At this point in history, hierarchy is a concept that has been thrown into the bin of ‘bad things’ because of how much abuse it can and has open the door for. But as you know, if we throw something in the ‘bad thing’ category, we resist it and refuse to look at it, swing to the opposite extreme and thus cannot gain awareness. For this reason, I am asking that you consider what I will share here and use the triggers that will arise in order to notice and face the wounds around hierarchy and authority. Should any of these wounds become triggered during this conversation, I highly suggest that you use The Completion Process on any painful emotions and sensations that arise.
I am going to use some “dirty words” in this episode. Words like superiority and authority. These are words that have been thrown into the ‘bad’ category by many spiritual traditions and philosophies. But just because we may see them as bad does not mean they are bad and what’s more than that, just because we may see them as bad does not mean they aren’t the reality.
Hierarchy is a system or organization in which people or groups are ranked one above the other according to superiority or authority. Hierarchy is a way of viewing and categorizing the world in terms of things being above, below or at the same level. Given this definition, power and also authority are an obvious element of hierarchy.
I personally get a front row seat to how deep this wound within people actually is because I cannot go to a workshop and greet people without people offering to give me healings or telling me they want to be my friend because they think they’d be great at pointing out my shadows, both of which they do so they can feel equal or superior to me. Not a day goes by without someone telling me that they are not a fan, but that they love my work in order to let me know they do not want me to consider myself above them. Not a day goes by that I don’t get an e-mail or message that says, “you’re not my god, I see you are a person just like the rest of us” so as to pull me off my pedestal. Not a day goes by that someone doesn’t show up late or leave early in order to send the message that they have higher priorities than me, so I get the message that they do not regard me as a bigger deal than they are. And these comments and actions are all from people that like me, not even from people who dislike me. If you are in the position that I am in, you get to see this wound in people every day because not a day goes by that someone isn’t carrying out an unconscious power struggle with you.
We all already know the dangers of ‘out of alignment’ hierarchy and authority, things like Hitler’s Reich, abusive parents, a law enforcement officer threatening to arrest a woman if she wont have sex with him or a catholic priest holding so much authority that he performs repetitive exorcisms on a child that is actually poisoned as opposed to giving the child an antidote. But there are also times where hierarchy needs to be acknowledged or it’s dangerous for everyone. Imagine an operating room where the nurses refuse to acknowledge the superiority of the surgeon. Or imagine a tour guide is taking a group of people on a path through dangerous terrain and they don’t listen to the authority of the guide’s warnings. Or imagine a child who defies the parents by feeding the family dog chocolate. Or imagine a person who does not respect the authority of shamans, learning a lot about spirituality from the Internet and then buying and administering shamanic medicines. There are dangers in hierarchy. But there are also dangers currently in no hierarchy. People are often conscious of the first and unconscious of the second.
Because power is an obvious element of hierarchy, superiority and authority, almost nothing gets people more upset that hierarchy. Why do people hate the idea of hierarchy and refuse to respect authority? Because they have been so hurt by it. The abuse of hierarchy and authority has destroyed lives. Take a serious look at your own childhood. What happened to you when someone was in a superior position? What happened when someone had more power than you? What happened when they had more authority? Chances are that two things happened. The first is, you were not taken into consideration. Because your thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, perspectives and best interests were not taken into consideration; you felt the extreme pain of insignificance and powerlessness. And the second is that because of this, you felt you lost your free will.
Because of the pain you endured relative to hierarchy and superiority and authority, freedom and free will has become an obsession. So has demanding equality. You have decided that you will not be “beneath” anyone ever again. But what you don’t see is that even if you are doing this on a subconscious level, this creates a serious problem for you and for the people around you.
First, it means that you are subconsciously in a constant power struggle with people who you perceive to be above yourself in any way. Many people with this pattern cannot keep a job where they have a boss and can only maintain friendships with people who need their help for example. So the first thing to realize here is that the people who are the most resistant to hierarchy and authority are the ones that are subconsciously the most obsessed with it. They are the ones subconsciously playing the most competitive power games and they are doing it for power’s sake, specifically in order to try to stay safe.
The second, problem is that you refuse to accept hierarchy and authority to the degree that you often don’t even see superiority it when it is right in front of your face. In many situations, this makes you look like an idiot to everyone but yourself. It can also put you in serious danger. On earth, it is very dangerous to refuse to recognize superiority and authority. This is something that male animals vying for mates have to learn the hard way every day. Imagine that a fish swimming in a pond with a shark refuses to accept that it is inferior to anything. Therefore, this fish refuses to see that it is a fish and the shark is a shark. This fish is going to get itself killed. In the human world, there are many painful consequences that will come as a result of refusing to see and acknowledge hierarchy. These consequences must be consciously chosen, not unconsciously chosen simply because of one’s resistance to anyone or anything being ‘above them’.
On top of this, if you have decided that you will not be “beneath” anyone ever again and so you refuse to see and acknowledge superiority and authority, you will challenge people who you perceive to be above you and whom you don’t believe should be above you in very manipulative, covert and unfair ways. If you are being conscious about challenging someone’s position of superiority and authority in this world, there are very clear ways to do it. This could be considered direct and fair play.
The third problem is that it is impossible to be successful, conscious or find your own purpose if you do not recognize hierarchy, including superiority and authority. People have the tendency to swing the pendulum whenever they are hurt. For example, when we are so hurt by people not being there for us, we adopt the belief that everything we need, must come from within. Or when we are punished for our vulnerability, we develop rough and armored personalities. The dictatorships of the past that have done so much damage to people have made a great many people swing the pendulum and desire and believe in anarchy and unconditional equality. The human being is not conscious enough for this type of social structure. Consciousness itself must be increased greatly before the idea of doing away with a power system can come into play. Swinging the pendulum is a reaction that gives rise to rebellion. Rebellion is not empowerment and it is not free will. When people have been hurt badly by hierarchy, their dream of a world of equality is a pendulum swing.
In the spiritual field especially, we want to transcend all that is animal, instinctual and temporal about ourselves. Part of what is animal, instinctual and temporal about ourselves is power structures… Things like hierarchy. But the goal of awakening is not transcendence. It is integration. And don’t be fooled by spiritual teachers or practitioners who say otherwise. I have never met someone who has actually escaped from power structures like hierarchy and superiority. Instead, they have found their superiority in ‘not being concerned with superiority’. They have been consumed with the ego of being egoless. They have become a dictator by demanding equality.
When it comes to your refusal to recognize or accept hierarchy, superiority and authority, ask yourself why? Are you refusing to recognize or accept it because doing so makes you feel inferior and powerless and unsafe? Are you in reality that you are equal or superior to someone in the way that you are thinking you are? Are you demanding to be seen as equal or to be seen as superior for power’s sake? Keep in mind that to say “no one has any authority or power over me!” is by definition, a power struggle. When it comes to your desire to challenge hierarchy and authority, ask yourself why? Are you challenging it in order to simply not be on the bottom? Are you challenging it to avoid the pain of feeling powerless, inferior and unsafe? Or are you challenging it because you are in reality that you belong in that superior position? Are you challenging it because you have a good reason to be in that superior position… A better reason than simply not wanting anyone else to be above you?
Once you see and acknowledge hierarchy, including authority and superiority, it puts you squarely in reality and therefore it changes the rules of the game. Seeing hierarchy, including superiority and authority doesn’t mean you will never challenge it. It means that if for some (hopefully conscious and very good) reason you do decide to challenge it, you will pick the correct strategy for doing so. It means you are only going to challenge someone’s hierarchy or authority or superiority in conscious ways. To challenge it consciously, means you will challenge it in very specific situations and in very specific ways. Your communication and actions will change. And perhaps most importantly, you will no longer fight to be on equal ground with everyone simply to avoid the terror of being beneath anyone.
What you do not see is that if you do not want anyone else to be on a pedestal, you are the one who is the most concerned with power and hierarchy. In resisting it, you are playing the game of who is above, below or equal. What you do not see is that everyone on earth has a pedestal waiting for them. Everyone’s pedestal looks different. For example, I may be on the highest pedestal in the consciousness field, but if I walked into the world of motor sports, I have no pedestal; someone else is on a pedestal there. The pedestals themselves are not the problem. Nor do you actually want to do away with them. All people actually want one! You just don’t want anyone else to be on one because you blamed people being higher or above you for why you got hurt or lost freedom and were treated as insignificant in the first place. The pedestal is not the problem. People’s degree of consciousness or lack there of on those pedestals and therefore what they do with their position on those pedestals is the problem.
With superiority and authority comes power. You can change your life today if you will just accept that there is nothing wrong with power. Power simply needs to be in service of something. The problem within human consciousness is the need for power for power’s sake. The problem isn’t hierarchy, it is that people in positions of authority or superiority did and do not take you as a part of themselves and thus did and do not consider you and thus did and do not capitalize on your best interests.
You need to recognize and accept authority and superiority in order to decide what to do with it. Seeing and acknowledging and accepting hierarchy does something very interesting. Not only does it make you aware, it shows you your place in the world and your purpose along with it. People, who refuse to see superiority in others, cannot actually consciously see their own superiority. Your purpose will be something where you are superior to others. With a more clear vision about what your areas of superiority are, you will no longer vie for power for the sake of power in and of itself. Because your purpose will naturally be something where you are superior, if you refuse to accept superiority in the world, you run the very real risk of never finding your life purpose.
People, who cannot clearly see their own areas of superiority and who fight hierarchy and authority simply so as to never have anyone be higher than them, never make the right life choices for themselves. For example, if a person accepted that they think they are superior at running things and making executive decisions, they would never get themselves into a position where they ever had a boss in the first place. Thus, they would never get into the constant conflicts at the office that lead them to getting fired.
On that note, people with more authority and who are in a superior position, will only trust you when they clearly see that you see and recognize superiority and authority both upward and downward from yourself. The first reason for this is that it means you are in reality. The second is, a person who does not recognize superiority and authority does not see you if you are in that position. They are in a relationship only with what they want to see. The third is that it is very, very dangerous for a person who has authority and who is in a superior position to have someone not recognize and accept their superiority and authority. It means that they will end up hurt. Again, in the animal world, animals have to endure this every day. If a rival male does not recognize the superiority or authority of a superior male, he will challenge it and this leads to both of them getting injured, regardless of who wins that fight.
I’ll give you a hint when it comes to your desire to be the best or to be in the top position of a power structure. If your reason for wanting to be in the top position is to stay safe from the potential pain of anyone else being above you in that position, that is simply a power struggle for power struggle’s sake and indicates that you actually do not belong in that position.
One of the hardest things about being a spiritual teacher is that teaching about the universe entails teaching contradictory truths. This is because we live in a multidimensional universe. At the highest dimensional level of existence, a table and a person and a plant and a dog are all made up of the same energy and the same consciousness. All is one and all is imbued with both consciousness and free will. This is a kind of ultimate equality. But as this consciousness becomes a part of the physical dimension, this consciousness chooses to become separated and defined and polarized. Because of this, as much as our ego does not like it, the reality of physical life is that we are not all equal. To learn more about this, I encourage you to watch my equally triggering video titled: People Are Not All Equal.
Many people believe the universal perspective to be opposed to hierarchy. This is not the case. The way the universal consciousness sees hierarchy is that it can be a tool for progression. It is a system that is not bad in and of itself any more than organization or prioritization is. The way the universal consciousness sees it is that this organization should happen according to love. To love something is to take it as a part of yourself. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Is Love. If you take something as a part of yourself, you would put it somewhere in a system where it was best suited based on its areas of excellence or superiority.
The best way to see how the universal consciousness sees hierarchy is to imagine a car engine. All beings are a part of the engine. People who do not accept hierarchy or who set up an ‘out of alignment hierarchy’ are those who either refuse to be a part of the engine even though they are, or those who wish to be the best at being all parts of the engine. The problem with mankind is that because of human values and societal beliefs, a fuel pump wants to beat the piston at being a superior piston. And the reality is that no matter how hard a fuel pump tries, it will always be inferior at being a piston to the actual piston. Authority is constantly in flux. It changes according to needs. If an engine needs fuel, the fuel pump may be in the top position on the totem pole in that moment. If the car needs to turn, the steering wheel is instead. Therefore, what is most in alignment is to own your authentic place within each system and within the greater system.
Notice the word authentic? This is where everything goes awry. We live in a society where the socialization that takes place makes it very hard to preserve our authenticity. Using the previous analogy, if you are a fuel pump and society seems to value pistons more, you will turn against your own nature and authentic truth. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic. Do not confuse the universe telling you to find your authentic place within the greater system for a parent trying to fit you into a box you don’t want to be in. Ultimately, if you get beyond your inauthenticity and ingrained patterns of self-rejection, your ‘place’ will be doing something that comes naturally to you and that you love.
There is such a thing as out of alignment hierarchy and there is such a thing as in alignment hierarchy. To be in a superior position in a power structure, implies great pressure as well as the requirement for great levels of both consciousness and awareness. It means that your shadows are the most dangerous shadows in the room. Equality is not a reality in the realm of physicality. We do not need to be fighting against hierarchy and authority in general. Instead, we need to be focused on developing three things:
Love. To love is to take something as part of yourself. For example, if whites took blacks to be a part of themselves, they could not have enslaved them without feeling the negative impact of doing so themselves. Slavery would not have happened. When we love something, we root FOR that thing to get what it wants instead of prevent it from getting what it wants. Knowing this, hierarchy does not inherently mean that you will not be considered.
Awareness. Question everything and consider every perspective so as to become aware of everything and arrive at a higher truth. If we could do this, we would transcend our unconsciousness, prejudices and ignorance.
For each individual to start to recognize his/her unique intrinsic value that for the sake of this conversation we could call superiorities.
If you resist hierarchy in general, it means that you are laboring under the illusion that everyone is equal or you see yourself as above it all and this mentality implies hierarchy in and of itself.
When I say ‘scapegoat’ many of you know exactly what I’m talking about already. For those of you that don’t, a scapegoat is a person who is blamed for the wrongdoings, mistakes, or faults of others (despite other people being either entirely or also at fault) especially for reasons of expediency. The word originates from Judaism. During mass reconciliation, a rabbi would bring a goat to the alter. The idiotic idea was that sins of the people would be absorbed into the goat, and it would then be killed. When its blood would spill over the alter, those sins were said to be cleansed.
In a human social group, like a family, there are complex interactions that take place and roles that people end up in. The emotional interdependence in even the most abusive and disconnected homes still makes it so that a change in one person creates reciprocal changes in every other member of the group. In a dysfunctional social group or a dysfunctional family (and usually on a subconscious level) the strongest member of the family, the one that does not play into the dysfunction, is targeted as “the problem”. All of the emotional and mental discomfort that is experienced by the group as a whole is deflected and projected into this person, who is expected to bear it so that the other members of the group don’t have to face that discomfort in themselves. The subconscious goal is in fact disguised catharsis. The scapegoat is someone who is strong enough to suffer so that the other members don’t have to.
In a family, the person who ends up in the role of the scapegoat is not actually to blame any more than the goat is. It is that their character, thoughts, feelings, words and actions and also accomplishments causes the unresolved issues of the other family members to surface. At which point, instead of resolving them, they deflect the unresolved issues onto that person and label them ‘the cause of their distress’.
Here is an example: A mother doesn’t actually want a child. But she has been led by society to believe that this is the only acceptable role for her in life. So she has a child. This child has her own desires and needs. When the mother has to cater to the needs and desires of the child, it brings up her fury and pain and resentment that she has to dedicate herself to someone else’s needs. It brings up the reality that she doesn’t want a child. This makes her feel shame. To avoid that wound and that shame, this mother will make the child the problem. “You’re so selfish” she will say when the child asks for something. She will be constantly exasperated and tell the story that her life ended when her daughter’s began. She has made the problem the child and projected her own sins so to speak onto the child in order to avoid the discomfort of accepting that she does not want a child and that she is selfish in that she wants to do what she wants to do, not dedicate her life to another person’s care. This child is now the scapegoat.
Of course it is difficult for a scapegoat in a social group to believe that he or she isn’t somehow guilty or to blame because it doesn’t make sense that if he or she wasn’t to blame that he or she would be treated that way. The scapegoat spends years in complete confusion, searching for what is wrong with them in order to try to fix it, but can’t ever genuinely find anything that makes sense given the severity of the treatment. And no matter what they do, the behavior of the other members of the social group never seem to change towards them. What the scapegoat doesn’t understand is that there was never any motive in the other members of the group for them to not be a problem. That is part of the gas light. It is actually serving the other members of the group to keep them the problem so as to avoid facing and resolving their own wounds.
The scapegoat can pay a lifelong price for sins that he or she did not ever commit. And because of the way that this universe functions, this pattern of being scapegoated comes back in the life of the scapegoat over and over again. Even if they do exit the original family group, they are likely to be turned into a scapegoat again in their lives. Aside from not recognizing this entire dynamic in the first place (and thus realizing that they didn’t actually do anything wrong, they were simply the family scapegoat) there are some factors that act like emotional super glue that actually keep people who were scapegoated in this cycle of continuously being scapegoated. And it is this emotional super glue that I am going to help you to undo today.
The top four things that act like emotional super glue to being a scapegoat are the following:
Accepting this role was literally the only way to stay safe in the social group. And so this is now your pattern of fitting in.
Accepting responsibility made you not like the people who hurt you.
You love people who take responsibility, you find them safe and so you do not want to entertain the idea of letting any of that responsibility go. Plus, you are only in control if you take 100% of it.
No one else in the social group was taking any responsibility and so you were forced to be the one to do it for all of them. This is now a habit.
To address the first super glue, in a social group that turns you into the scapegoat, you have two options: Conform immediately so they turn someone else into the scapegoat or suffer the wrath of being the outcast and blamed and suffer the consequences. In some cases, for one reason or another, you cannot conform. Even when you can, you know that conforming doesn’t get you love; it simply gives you a different kind of safety in exchange for a different form of danger. It guarantees you closeness and rapport in exchange for the loss of self. You have to completely buy into the group dysfunction and let go of your true feelings, needs, desires and anything else that could threaten to trigger their unresolved issues. The role of the scapegoat and the role of the golden child in a social group are both not actually safe. They are simply polar opposite forms of un-safety. But, in many case, accepting the role of the scapegoat may have been the only way for someone to not end up completely alone, which is the single biggest threat to survival for a member of a socially dependent species, which is what humans are.
The way this works is that once you accept the role of scapegoat, you begin to buy into the idea that you are the problem. The minute you do this, you are no longer resisting them saying that you’re the problem. You’re agreeing. Due to your non-resistance to the blame you are being given and the horrible identity you are being accused of, the people making you the scapegoat are now free to switch up their game and avoid their own issues further. They do this by seeing themselves as the healer and fixer of you. It is at this point that the scapegoat becomes the identified patient in the social group. They use the idea of themselves as a good person for focusing on helping and fixing you to further avoid their own pain. The thing is, they are creating the very pain in you that they say is your personality defect and flipping it so as to heal it. This is disgusting when you really get it. It is one of the most insidious forms of gas lighting. Imagine I was to walk up and hit you as hard as I can and then, when you fall to the floor, get down on the floor with you and say “I just don’t know why you’re in pain all the time. It’s making all of our lives really, really hard because by being down on the floor all the time, you’re taking all the attention away from everyone. But I love you, so I’m going to take you to a doctor to figure out why you’re in pain like this.” That is life for a scapegoat in a family unit. The vast majority of children who are brought to psychologists and psychiatrists are in fact family scapegoats in this exact situation. But the sad thing is that playing into this pattern by accepting themselves as the problem, saves the scapegoat from abandonment, annihilation and further wounding by the people in their lives.
The problem is that because of this extreme gas-lighting, you learn to ignore the punch and only feel the connection inherent in the person trying to fix you. Your only reference for feeling loved is when people who see you as the problem, are putting energy into helping you to get better or change or be fixed. This exchange is the safest feeling because it was the closest you could get to the people who mattered to you. Because this is your reference for love and safety, blaming yourself, seeing yourself as the problem and having people help fix you is a pattern you repeat and repeat in order to get your emotional and even physical needs met, feel close to people and feel safe socially. You pick people who do this to you and do not end relationships with people who do this to you.
To address the second super glue, if only at a subconscious level, you actually did see what was going on. Too many times, especially if your strength is your mind, you have seen the truth in these interactions. For example, you know mom doesn’t really want a kid and so you see that it is her being mean to you and yet blaming you for being a ‘bad kid’ for the reaction you have to it. And so, even when you begin to doubt your own character and actions, you know that there is extreme deflection and projection going on. To understand more about deflection and projection, watch my videos titled: Deflection (the coping mechanism from hell) and Projection (understanding the psychology of projection).
You see that them not taking responsibility for their wrong doings and badness and actual truth is destroying your life. You clearly see that doing this makes them bad. Because of a life of being treated as if you are evil, you are on a life long quest to become good. So, clearly seeing this ‘badness’ in them, you make a subconscious vow to never, never do to someone what they are doing to you. You make a vow to at the very least make sure that you are never, ever going to be like them in this way. Your wires become a bit crossed. Now, your only way of being good is to seek out how you are at fault and to take the blame and blame yourself. The problem is that this is a universe based on the law of mirroring. If you do this, it makes you a match to being blamed, even when something isn’t your fault. Thus the cycle of being scapegoated repeats.
To address the third superglue, having been so hurt by being blamed wrongly and suffered the consequences of being labeled the wrong/bad one; you have now developed a complete love affair with the characteristic of doing the opposite of what they did to you. You LOVE people who take responsibility. This is profoundly healing for you. But this complete adoration you have for people taking responsibility and this glorification of the trait itself has caused you to adopt the trait of hyper responsibility. It has caused you to swing the pendulum completely to the far end of the scale, where you take responsibility and blame for anything and everything. By taking 100% of the responsibility and blame, you feel superior in that goodness and also you feel in control and thus safe. If something is someone else’s responsibility or fault, you are inherently not in control. And you don’t trust them to do it. You can’t do anything to change the situation or rectify it. But if it is all in your hands, you can.
To address the fourth superglue, because you were conditioned that no one will take responsibility, especially for their own issues, you were also conditioned to be the one to automatically do it. It is pure habit. You do this naturally. You do not believe that anyone will take responsibility and so you believe you have no other choice but to do it yourself. You take responsibility for what is and isn’t yours to take responsibility for, thinking that there is no other option. Take a look at your life for what might be someone else’s responsibility. Ask yourself, if I didn’t take responsibility for X what would happen? For example, it is another person’s responsibility to come resolve an issue with you when they have one. Ask yourself, if I didn’t take responsibility for noticing when another person has an issue with me and bringing up the issue to resolve it, what would happen? This level of hyper responsibility for others will incapacitate you one day and guarantee that no one around you will take responsibility. You will be a magnet for people who don’t want to take responsibility.
I find it helpful to imagine that people in the world are a part of you. Would you want yourself to continue not facing your unresolved issues, owning your personal truth and not taking responsibility? If the answer is no, then don’t enable them to do that.
The bottom line is that because of the way you adapted to being the scapegoat, you are a perfect vibrational match to repeated scapegoating. You need to look at what truly is and what truly isn’t yours in any situation. What is keeping you from doing this is that anytime you look at how something isn’t your fault, you feel like you’re headed straight towards becoming like those people who you hate because they hurt you so badly. You think you are the good guy for taking all the blame. You can only be good for taking responsibility for what is yours. Otherwise, you have turned into an enabler. You enable people to be like those people who hurt you. You enable their dysfunction as well as pattern of deflecting and projecting and allow them to avoid the unresolved issues and pain, which means they will continue to hurt and hurt other people.
You’ve got to see that now, the consequences that you were so afraid of, like abandonment or annihilation would actually be better than being seen and treated as the bad guy forever. There are so many consequences of being in that role. So it actually isn’t safe. It also isn’t love. First of all, they are causing the very issues they are saying are inherent to you and that they now want to help you to fix about yourself. It isn’t because of love that people try to fix you. It is because they want to feel good about themselves so they can avoid looking at their own unresolved issues and painful authentic truths. They feed their self-concept with pieces they sacrifice from you, completely to your detriment. They do not love you, even if they use those words.
In a universe based on the law of mirroring, people who blame themselves are blamed. You need to see how much trouble you could get in being blamed for things you have no fault in if you are determined to blame yourself to maintain a sense of goodness. You do not need to worry about becoming like these people who hurt you. You are more than willing to see what you did wrong and to see things that are negative about yourself. You’ve been practicing this bravery all your life. You do need to swing the pendulum back towards what’s healthy. It is inauthentic and not in reality to adhere to one extreme like that. The way to swing the pendulum back towards healthy is to own up to your authentic truth and own up to reality and be responsible for it.
People scapegoat when they aren’t being authentic about their personal truths, feelings, thoughts, desires and needs etc. So, staying authentic to exactly what the brutal and honest truth of your feelings, thoughts and desires and needs are, is the best way to not become like them. OWN your truth to not be like them, don’t blame yourself to not be like them. The time has come to learnt to discern what is yours and what is someone else’s. Chose to be in a relationship with people who take responsibility for what is theirs. When two people each look at what is theirs, this is a healthy relationship. Being around people who take responsibility will help you to see what is and isn’t yours. It will help you to feel safe in the relationship while still changing things that don’t benefit you and expanding. If you continue to blame yourself to stay good, you will be a magnet for people who love to get away with blaming others and never looking at themselves.
If you suffer from this pattern of being scapegoated, I have too many videos that target the mental and emotional aftermath you are experiencing to list. But I highly suggest you watch my following videos: The Defective Doll (Dysfunctional Relationships). Responsibility, Why, When and How to Take It. How To Call Bull S#!t On Denial. How To Let Go of a Coping Mechanism. The Hidden Truth About Dysfunctional Relationships. The Victim Control Dynamic. Why You Can’t Feel Loved For Who You Are. Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening and Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism.
As a recovering scapegoat, you’ve got to un-gaslight yourself. Because the other members of the social group have all bought into the dysfunction, no one else in the social group is going to have the same estimation of reality that you do. Make reality your secret obsession. Most scapegoats end up truth seeker and truth tellers because of this. Gas-lighting makes you feel and even go insane. So, restoring your sense of reality and getting grounded in it is critical. Part of this is seeing the impact of being scapegoated on the various aspects of your life.
Get realistic expectations. If you are genuinely being scapegoated, really see your dysfunctional family or social group accurately. The reality is that by expecting them to accept your reality and accept the fact that things aren’t your fault and you aren’t bad/wrong, you are actually expecting them to face their unresolved issues and painful personal truths and own up to them. Are they really going to do it? Everyone has the potential to do it, but having the potential to do it does not mean that they will choose to. For the most part, you can expect them to not change at all. And to be clear, this does not mean that you should enable it by playing into the dysfunction any more than it means you should expect that they will change.
Because of the complex trauma and anxiety that have come out of this social pattern, I highly suggest that you pick up a copy of my book titled: The Completion Process and begin to use the process to resolve the unresolved wounds that have occurred because of having been scapegoated.
If you watch my video tiled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease, you will learn about fragmentation. Know that if you are a scapegoat, you have a part or fragment within you that is scapegoating you. It is an internalized pattern. Come to recognize and know this part of yourself deeply so that you can shift some of the patterns inherent within it.
Shame is the bedrock of the self-concept of someone who is scapegoated. But shame is one of the most poorly understood things on the planet. The way that most experts advise people to overcome shame actually makes it worse. Shame is a biological affective reaction that arises as a result of pushing a part of yourself away. In order to overcome shame, we need to reverse this process. For a thorough understanding of how to do this, pick up a copy of my book titled The Anatomy Of Loneliness. Even though every page of the book will help you if you’ve been scapegoated, you can flip to the entire section of the book that is specifically about shame.
Healing from the pattern of being scapegoated is going to be a grief process, especially if you are clinging to fantasies about having better relationships with abusive people if you could only make them “get it”. But hopefully seeing some of the main things that keep you reinforcing the pattern will help you to get yourself out of it.
We are in the Information Age, also known as the Digital Age, where a rapid shift has taken place from traditional industry to an economy based on information technology. The driving force behind this information revolution was the internet. In the early 1990s, the World Wide Web was created. We all know the story from there. There is no doubt whatsoever that the information age has changed nearly every part of society and this includes spirituality. Evolution, progress and expansion carry the seeds of contrast. This means that both upsides and downsides come with the territory. Today, I’m going to tell you what the major upsides and downsides are to spirituality in the Information Age.
First, let’s start with the upsides:
It is the spread of information since the beginning of time that has secured mankind’s rapid evolution and world dominance. We can debate about whether or not that is objectively a good thing at another time. Nevertheless, it is undeniable that the consciousness of mankind is expanding and expanding due to the fact that anything that anyone wants to know is just one click away. So many people have access to spiritual information that they would never have had access to before. And as a spiritual teacher, you can get your information to people who would never have been able to access your information before. If someone is desperate and in pain, information about how to get out of it can be one click away. It can be an incredible tool for good.
People used to be locked into just their own culture and just the spiritual beliefs of those people around them. This inhibited awareness. It led to extreme ignorance and also made it so people could not make up their own mind because they had no choices in terms of perspective to choose from. In the information age, people are more likely to be exposed to different ways of thinking, different beliefs and more choices. It might just be possible to take the best of what all spiritual paths have to offer.
We are able to connect with people whom we would never have connected to or met without the internet. This brings us closer and closer to unification. You could in fact see the information age as a bridge to a ‘group mind’.
Which is where a collective species develops unified telepathy. One function of this is where each individual knows what every other member of the species knows.
It used to be that gurus, shamans and religious leaders were the venue through which people gained access to the universe at large and/or God. The information age has removed gurus from their social pedestals. This has removed the intermediary between people’s physical and non-physical lives.
Anyone from the highest class to the lowest class of society as well as all races, and abilities and sexes has access to the same information, information that can transform their lives.
Business is much better and easier for people who deal in creating religious and spiritual products. They can be found from the comfort and convenience of home and shipped straight to your door. In other words, in the information age, there much more abundance in the spiritual way of life.
Spiritual teachers have to up their game. With the constant inundation of new teachers and different ideologies and conflicting opinions, spiritual teachers are constantly having to question themselves and evolve their teachings and hone them and get better and better at what they do.
People are exposed to good information coming from lots of different people and places, which is forcing them to expand their minds enough to see that good info can come from anywhere, even where you least expect it. People used to only accept information when it came in a certain package and from a person who looked a certain way. Because of this shift, the polarization and then integration process within humanity is happening at an exponential rate.
There are so many positive implications for globally organized and synchronized events from meditations to prayers to movements to alerts.
Now for the downsides:
There is an idea that the more teachers the better because we are all spreading great ideas and creating awakening more and more. This isn’t actually the case. The information age has flooded the market with teachers and everyone imagines themselves to have something relevant to teach. And everyone imagines themselves to be an influencer. This has created some serious problems.
First and foremost, anyone and everyone thinks it is their place to be a spiritual teacher. So many people suffer from the illusion that they are an expert simply because of all the information that they have ingested. And there is zero recognition of or respect for the authority of genuine spiritual teachers and leaders.
Second, competition in the spiritual field has become 100 times more intense than in the world of professional sports. Unless you want to work a day job and keep spirituality as a hobby, spirituality is also a business for healers and teachers etc. In a market that is flooded, competition is fierce. It is not the “positively changing the world together” type of atmosphere. It is “there is one expo and three book contracts from publishers this year and the only one getting booked or whose book is getting picked up is the one who can prove they have the biggest following”. This also opens the door for people who have terrible information but who are simply the best at marketing becoming the most influential spiritual figures. Did you know that Oprah is now more spiritually influential than almost every religious leader around the world except the catholic pope?
Third, it has created diffusion of teachings and movements instead of empowering existing ones. Today, many followers of spiritual teachers learn everything they can from a teacher and then at a certain point, imagine themselves to be good enough to teach. Back in the day, in order to amass a following, you had to be truly great at what you did and also a very strong leader. Today, people believe that all you need is a computer. So, often once followers of a spiritual teacher have learned everything they want to from a teacher, they then strike out on their own. They begin to compete with the original teacher by positing themselves as ‘the new teacher’, but using all of the same content. This would be like each of the twelve disciples of Christ learning all they could from Christ and deciding that they too are ‘Christs’ and claiming his teachings as their own and Matthew trying to make as big a name for himself as Jesus. This not only takes from Jesus instead of lends energy to his movement, it diffuses his teachings and allows disciples to skew them. As a result, the atmosphere between teachers and disciples has grown tense and distrustful.
Fourth, it has lent itself massively to the human ego. In a market that is saturated by not only many more genuine teachers, but also people who are not aware and not genuine teachers at all, seekers are now free to “teacher hop”. The spirituality of today, is a fast track to avoidance. The spiritual path is not an easy path. The path of awakening burns away the layers of the human ego… It separates you from it so that you can then integrate it. Many seekers have decided that they want awakening because they think it will lead them to comfort. This means, the second they get to a place of discomfort with a particular teacher or path, instead of face the parts of themselves that are in need of integration, they will simply avoid the discomfort and abandon the teacher or path for whatever teacher and path enables their comfort. They will go for one that feels the best. For example, lets say someone needs to become aware of what they are doing and why in order to make actual changes to their life. Their current teacher says that they have to do shadow work to discover this but this person afraid of seeing and feeling those things. In the past, this person would have heeded that advice and faced it. Today, they listen to another person on the internet say “you just need to focus only on what feels good and then your reality will become exactly that”. This is a much more appealing concept to the ego, which would like to stay comfortable. So, they abandon their teacher and path and join up with whatever challenges their ego the least. Now, more than ever the message spiritual teachers and leaders get is: Make me feel good or else I’m not a follower or supporter anymore and in fact, I might turn on you.
The spiritual field is wrought with confusion. Seekers now find themselves in an ocean of ‘professional opinions,’ many of which are completely and totally contradictory. And while this forces people to have to gain their free will and find their own personal truth, it has also created a kind of non-commitment, futility and disillusionment in the seekers.
No one is going to go to the top of a hill or a cave in a distant country anymore to find a teacher when they are already swimming in an ocean of teachers. People have become quite lazy in terms of spiritual practice. They have a “you come to me’ attitude as well as zero loyalty to a certain spiritual path and certain teacher.
In the information age, the spiritual field has a distinct split. The practice of spirituality and the business of spirituality. All teachers are forced in the modern era to have one foot in both. And what the business of spirituality requires is often a contradiction to spiritual practice itself.
The biggest spiritual teachers are now social media stars as well. The only way they get big anymore and create a following is a massive online presence. If you have no online presence, you don’t exist in the modern world. As a social media star, a spiritual teacher fades out of relevance if they are not constantly feeding into their online presence like every other social media star. This means, no more disappearing into a cave to meditate. And no matter what you do, you look like a narcissist because social media implies keeping your image and your information in front of people all day long.
Every spiritual teacher and leader throughout history has had people against them. Many have ended up dead. It comes with the territory. But in the information age, people opposing spiritual figures have as big a stage as the spiritual figures have. If you want to gain significance and get famous, you can do so. All you have to do is publicly go up against someone that other people care about. The press thrives on sensation and controversy. This means that slander campaigns against spiritual figures are enormous and can ruin lives. Positive information is not the only thing being spread on the internet. Also, there is no need for hate groups to put effort into meeting up in one location and they can connect from all over the world. They can be organized at a distance and constantly fueled. This has made the spiritual field even more dangerous. Security detail is now required for spiritual figures as if they were political figures or pop stars.
The downside of religious information spreading and religious groups gathering is evident. Extremist racist, sexist and dogmatic religious groups can now grow larger, spread more information and pose more of a threat.
In the information age, attention spans have decreased and decreased. People want spirituality and the incredibly complex practice and nature of awareness compressed into a two-minute sound bite. This is not possible. It is not real learning or personal transformation. This is not commitment to awareness. This is entertainment. This is the momentary drug like hit of inspiration.
Spirituality has become a trend, not a genuine committed path. In the information age, everyone wants to be ‘in the know’ and wants to be part of what the collective says in ‘in’. Spirituality is considered to be ‘in’. But this is surface spirituality. It is a façade. This is completely incompatible to the actuality of the path of awakening.
The information age can polarize, isolate and lead people further into ignorance. It can also unite, empower and lead people into awakening. I am sure that I (and even you) could find many more upsides and downsides to the impact of the information age on spirituality. But if you made it past the standard two-minute attention span, hopefully seeing these most beneficial and most detrimental aspects helped you to gain at least some awareness.
Because we live in a vibrational universe, you can find your vibrational equivalent in just about anything in existence. In the article I wrote on spirit animals, I explained that as it applies to spiritual growth, we don’t only have spirit animals; we also have spirit minerals and spirit plants. These tend to be the special ‘relationships’ that the path of earth-based shamanism is most concerned with because it applies to three distinct elemental kingdoms on earth. All this being said, today, we’re going to discuss spirit plants.
You probably clicked on this article expecting it to be about plant medicines, most especially those plants that are psychoactive in nature and have been used by indigenous cultures to access the spiritual dimensions for thousands of years. Things like like tobacco, cannabis, peyote and Ayahuasca. But that isn’t what this episode is specifically about.
If something is said to be your spirit plant, it is your plant equivalent. It is the plant whose vibration is the most identical to your own unique and authentic essence. This plant possesses traits and qualities that mirror your innate and inborn traits, qualities, needs, desires, purpose, strengths and weaknesses etc. Very rarely, especially if there is a distinct split between someone’s physical self and non physical self for some reason, a person can have two spirit equivalents. I have to say this because when it comes to spirit plants, I actually have two. The first is Datura Stramonium. The second is the red climbing rose.
This being said, having two spirit plants doesn’t necessarily make you more special. Nor does having a spirit plant which humans value above others. For example, the fact that one person has the oak tree for a spirit plant and another has celery for a spirit plant doesn’t inherently mean anything less special about the person whose spirit plant is celery. But inherent in this example, you can already see where the shadow relative to finding your spirit plant will be. It is very hard for people to accept what their spirit plant is, as opposed to what they want it to be.
Over the course of human existence, people have had a very special relationship to plants. The vast majority of our actual medicines are derived from plants still to this day. Humans ascribe more value to some plants than others. For example, we value things like cannabis or roses, but not as much dyer’s woad weed or rye grass. This, on top of a seriously limited knowledge of the sheer amount of different plants there are on the planet, makes it hard for people to accurately identify their spirit plant.
People also have plant totems. A totem plant is a friend, a balancer, protector, helper, partner and/or guide for a person. Most people confuse one of their totem plants for their spirit plant. Of all totems, people seem to have the most plant totems. Usually, a person’s favorite plant is in fact one of that person’s totem plants. For example, my principal totem plant is corkscrew willow. Some others of mine are pennyroyal, pomegranate, chamomile, sumac, huckleberry, golden daylily, milkweed and fox tail grass. No one has just one plant totem. In fact plant totems are the things that people tend to have the most of and tend to be the most benefitted by in terms of physical health.
There is also another plant that is significant to all people. This is a person’s shadow totem plant. A shadow plant is a plant that vibrates at the frequency of what is the most denied, disowned and rejected within a person’s own self and consciousness. For example, I’m very tempted to tell you that my shadow plant is cilantro. But my shadow plant is in fact bindweed.
In the indigenous cultures, everything in existence, including you, is said to possess ‘medicine’. That is to say that its being contributes and assists in this world in critical ways. All plants have “medicine”. This medicine they hold, may also extend to the physical plane of existence. For example, willow holds medicine of peace, tranquility, non-resistance and pain relief. Even on a physical level, willow is used to create aspirin which is an actual pain reliever.
On the other hand, even though one does not grind up and eat beech trees, the frequency of beech teaches tolerance and non-reactivity to criticism. This is said to be its ‘medicine’. For this reason beech and its medicine is revered as sacred. If you suffer from limitation to the physical dimensional perspective and narrow thinking, you could benefit by salvia medicine. If you are clairvoyant, you may possess salvia medicine within you. Again, all plants have ‘medicine’. All plants have a spirit and that spirit is their strongest medicine. Many plant spirits, like animal spirits and mineral spirits are teachers and healers and leaders. This medicine they possess can include physical elements that even scientifically minded people already recognize as medicinal.
When people ingest psychoactive plants, doing so often enables a person to move far enough beyond the limits of their physically oriented perspective to see other planes of existence. They often meet the spirit/consciousness of the plant itself that they ingested. It is not that only these plants have medicine and only these plants have a consciousness. It is that these plants have teacher spirits in general which are oriented towards teaching human consciousness and are interested in teaching very specific things. In this non-physical plane of awareness, you could just as easily meet the spirit of raspberry as you could meet the spirit of yagé.
The plant element of consciousness carries the frequency of growth, need, desire, yearning, transformation, improvement, expansion, change, learning, attraction, healing, germination, nourishment, progression, evolution, new manifestation and harmonization. Many aspects of life test our growth, our capacity to harmonize, our desires and needs and our transformation. Your spirit plant can be used in order to master this level of existence and personal progression.
Even though we are in the practice of complete integration (which is to recognize that all that exists, also exists within us) and therefore to master all medicine, by integrating your spirit plant and shadow plant you can re-own your unique inborn medicine. It is self-actualization and expression as opposed to lack of self-awareness and self-suppression. And integrating the medicine of your totem plant means you can master and make use of the medicine that you are in need of in your life in general, or at a specific time in your life.
Your spirit plant is the expression of your own essence. It is your plant of authenticity. It holds the specific medicine you came here to share with the world. Inherent in its blueprint is the blueprint for your own life path as well as how you are meant to help others to grow, expand, heal, transform, improve, be nourished and harmonize. Studying your spirit plant will help you to know yourself and your life path. You can use it to amplify yourself as well.
Because a person’s personality may not be an accurate reflection of their essence, a person may have a difficult time identifying their spirit plant. Also, if a person has patterns of self-hate within them, they may in fact feel resistant to their own spirit plant. Because of the sheer amount of plants in this world both on land and in the water, the spirit plant tends to be the very hardest for people to identify. Assuming they comprehend a great deal of plants, someone who sees and/or hears vibration can tell you what your spirit plant is because they can visually see or actually hear the vibrational “match” between your frequency and the plant’s in the same way that a conductor can tell if the exact pitch, key and tone between two instruments is the same. That being said, I don’t want you to run out and find someone, like myself, to tell you. People tend to not really own the truth if it is handed to them by someone else, as opposed to discovering it for themselves. Because of this (assuming you aren’t going to let your ego choose according to what you want it to be for the sake of your own self concept) it is often much more powerful to find your spirit plant in journeywork ceremonies, rituals, meditations and/or dream states.
It would be beneficial to operate with the perspective that you cannot choose your spirit plant. It chooses you. It is simply a perfect vibrational match to your unique essence. Because your spirit plant is a vibrational match to you, it will often show up in your life, whether you take notice of it or not. Therefore, be in the state of observation. But you do not have to take a passive approach. You can open yourself to becoming aware and ask to become aware of what this plant is (as long as you are also taking care to not let the ego tell you it is a plant that suits your ego… or confusing a totem plant for your spirit plant).
Once you have found your spirit plant, learn all you can about it. What traits do you associate with this plant? Discover the perspectives of other people and cultures about the “medicine” that this plant possesses. Spend time around that plant. See into this plant, feel into it and listen to it. Come to understand it. Meditate with this plant in mind. Take note of this plant’s weaknesses. See them in yourself. Take note of its strengths and find and express them in yourself. Surround yourself with things that remind you of this plant and proudly represent this plant. Do this same thing with your totem and shadow plants. Call the energy of this plant to awaken within you. Feel it inside you and with you always. Own the medicine you came in with and share it with the world… The medicine that is reflected in your spirit plant.
There is a game that people play and the game goes like this: If I was a (fill in the blank) then I’d be a (fill in the blank). For example, if I were a model of car, I’d be a red Ferrari. Or if I were a candy, I’d be pop rocks. This game can be played where a person guesses for themselves and it can be played where other people guess for a specific person. If you’ve played this game, you know how wrong people can be about themselves. They tend to pick what they have an affinity for or would like to be rather than making an accurate assessment of themselves. For example, a person might say that if they were a breakfast food, they would be French toast. When the truth is, they would be coffee, coffee and more coffee. When it comes to finding your own spirit equivalents, it works very much the same way that this game does. Because we live in a vibrational universe, you can find your vibrational equivalent in just about anything in existence. Yes, this means you can have a spirit car for example. In the video I did on spirit animals, I explained that we don’t only have spirit animals; we also have spirit minerals and spirit plants. These tend to be the special relationships that the path of earth-based shamanism is most concerned with.
If something is said to be your spirit animal, it is your animal equivalent. It is the animal whose vibration is the most identical to your unique and authentic essence. This animal possesses traits and qualities that mirror your innate and inborn traits, qualities, needs, desires, purpose, strengths and weaknesses etc. It works the exact same way with your spirit mineral. Your spirit mineral is the mineral whose vibration is the most identical to your unique and authentic essence. This mineral possesses traits and qualities that mirror your innate and inborn traits, qualities, needs, desires, purpose, strengths and weaknesses etc. For example, my spirit mineral is Veszelyite.
Over the course of human existence, people have had a very special relationship to rocks and gems, some obviously more than others. For example, we value and put monetary value on things like emerald and amethyst, but not as much on granite or pumice. This, on top of a seriously limited knowledge of minerals, makes it hard for people to accurately identify their spirit mineral. Just like totem animals, people also have mineral totems. A totem mineral is a friend, balancer, protector, helper, partner and/or guide for a person. Most people confuse one of their totem minerals for their spirit mineral. Usually, a person’s favorite mineral is in fact a person’s totem mineral. For example, mine is blue flash moonstone.
There is also another mineral that is significant to all people. This is a person’s shadow totem mineral. A shadow totem mineral is a mineral that vibrates at the frequency of what is the most denied disowned and rejected within a person’s own self and consciousness. For example, mine is pink rhodochrosite.
Human science has a very limited definition and understanding of both consciousness and life. This is why some people of earth will hear what I am about to say and think I am insane. The definition of life is so narrow that most people on earth do not know that minerals are in fact living beings with their own consciousness. Each rock is different. Some individual rocks have singular consciousness. Others are simply a consciousness fragment of the large vein or mountain or cluster they were separated from. Some are happy to be separated from their place of origin and others are not and experience a great deal of distress being taken from their place of belonging. Some enjoy the process of faceting and some hate it. Most hate being dyed. They want to be near certain stones and not near others.
Minerals are VERY particular, especially about where they are placed and what they are placed near. They are very particular about how they want to be wrapped or if they want to be wrapped and worn at all. They are extremely communicative and if you can hear and see and feel beyond the normal human range of perception, they are VERY loud about being put somewhere they don’t like to be. Their penchant for communication is why most of my mineral friends are located in one room in my house. And yes, it is vibrationally by far the loudest room in the house. Because they have no capacity for locomotion, they have to master frequency so as to use the vibrational laws that govern this universe to get from place to place. Some, especially Lemurian crystals for example, are excellent at manifesting themselves to be exactly where they want to be and with who they want to be with. Do not be surprised if you can’t hold on to a specific crystal and keep losing it if one is in this process of trying to go elsewhere.
Because minerals are living beings, there are serious ethics to be considered when it comes to harvesting rocks and doing just about anything with rocks, such as grinding them to a powder or placing them somewhere where they are isolated. And the more aware you become, the more you need to be attuned to this. Many spiritual people who are in fact disconnected from mineral consciousness do not perceive the suffering in stones that are taken from the places they belong. For example, some stones are meant to be left in the earth and in the caves where they formed. Many are playing a critical role for earth itself and we deny them and the earth this role by taking them. Another example is Hawaii. I have never seen a single mineral that wants to leave the island of Hawaii and if one did, it would have to be for a very specific purpose.
Another example is that many spiritual people love stones like Angel Aura, Aqua Aura, Tangerine Aura and so forth. They are undeniably beautiful. The way these stones are created however is perceived by the stones to be an abusive process. The stones are put in a vacuum chamber. They are heated to 871 °C (1600 °F) in this vacuum, and then metal vapor is added to the chamber. The metal atoms fuse to the crystal's surface, which gives the crystal an iridescent metallic sheen. Contrary to the popular opinion that this enhances a stone, this process can actually kill a crystal and most have to be rehabilitated afterwards. I have never purchased one for this reason, all of the ones I have are ones that I have adopted in order to rehabilitate.
The gap between what people call spiritual and modern science is closing slowly. This is lucky because it will allow for the gifts and medicine of the mineral world to be accepted and accommodated in human society. It is pure science that each mineral contains a very specific crystalline structure and composition. Every mineral has a characteristic vibrational frequency, many of which are already measureable today on spectrophotometers. What you call the ‘metaphysical properties’ of a given mineral are in fact a translation of the vibrational frequency of the specific mineral. Because of this, different minerals have different properties and different medicine to offer to those who are near it. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Crystals.
The mineral element carries the frequency of personal truth, gravity, foundation, solidity, durability, the unchanging, the manifested, personal power, steadiness, strength, personal energy, structure, and personal value to the larger system. It is this level of existence that is the mineral aspect of our personal evolution and development. Many aspects of life test our perseverance, solidity, personal truth, strength, value and foundation. Your spirit mineral can be used in order to master this level of existence and personal growth.
Your spirit mineral is the expression of your own essence. It is your stone of authenticity as it were. It is the specific medicine you came here to share with the world. Your spirit mineral will strengthen your particular core. Studying it will help you to know yourself. You can use it to amplify yourself as well. It holds the most similar frequency to your personal truth, your foundation, your core, your personal power, your structure, your durability and your strength. It holds the most similar frequency to that which is unchanging about you, your singular physical manifested existence and purpose for being along with that. It is the stone that holds the most similar frequency to your value to others, including the greater universe.
In the indigenous cultures, everything in existence, including you, is said to possess ‘medicine’. That is to say that its being contributes and assists in this world in critical ways. For this reason, its medicine (and this mineral because of its medicine) is to be revered as sacred. For example, if you suffer from pessimism, you could benefit by citrine medicine. If you possess optimism, you may possess citrine medicine within you.
Even though we are in the practice of complete integration (which is to recognize that all that exists, also exists within us) and therefore to master all medicine, by integrating your spirit mineral and shadow totem mineral you can re-own your unique inborn medicine. It is self-actualization and expression as opposed to lack of self-awareness and self-suppression. And integrating the medicine of your totem minerals means you can master and make use of the medicine that you are in need of in your life in general, or at a specific time in your life.
Because a person’s personality may not be an accurate reflection of their essence, a person may have a difficult time identifying their spirit mineral. Also, if a person has patterns of self-hate within them, they may in fact feel resistant to their own spirit mineral. Someone who sees and/or hears vibration can tell you what your spirit mineral is because they can visually see or actually hear the vibrational “match” between your frequency and the mineral in the same way that a conductor can tell if the exact pitch, key and tone between two instruments is the same. That being said, I don’t want you to run out and find someone, like myself, to tell you. People tend to not really own the truth if it is handed to them by someone else, as opposed to discovering it for themselves. Because of this (assuming you aren’t going to let your ego choose according to what you want it to be for the sake of your own self concept) it is often much more powerful to find your spirit mineral in journeywork ceremonies, rituals, meditations and/or dream states.
It would be beneficial to operate with the perspective that you cannot choose your spirit mineral. It chooses you. It is simply a perfect vibrational match to your unique essence. Because your spirit mineral is a vibrational match to you, it will often show up in your life, whether you take notice of it or not. Therefore, be in the state of observation. But you do not have to take a passive approach. You can open yourself to becoming aware and ask to become aware of what this mineral is (as long as you are also taking care to not let the ego tell you it is a mineral that suits your ego or confusing a totem mineral for your spirit mineral).
Once you have found your spirit mineral, learn all you can about it. What traits do you associate with this mineral? Discover the perspectives of other people and cultures about the “medicine” that this mineral possesses. Spend time around that mineral. See into this mineral, feel into it and listen to it. Come to understand it. Meditate with this mineral in mind. Take note of this mineral’s weaknesses. See them in yourself. Take note of its strengths and find and express them in yourself. Surround yourself with things that remind you of this mineral and proudly represent this mineral. Do this same thing with your totem and shadow totem minerals. Call on this mineral for support. Feel it inside you and with you always. Own the medicine you came in with and share it with the world… The medicine that is reflected in your spirit mineral.
If you are on the path of awakening, you have committed to the path of awareness. It is inevitable that at some point on this path you will have times where you say, “how the hell did I not see this?” And you will have even more times where you say, “how the hell do they not see this?” Today, I’m going to explain the single biggest barrier to awareness and therefore the most likely answer to those two questions.
People don’t see things when the seeing of them means feeling pain. Most especially, they don’t see things when the seeing of them means that they would have to make changes to their life that they think would be painful. This is the real reason why people resist being in reality or perceiving reality. Instead of a conscious creation, illusion serves as an avoidance strategy.
Here are some examples of what I mean:
A woman with an alcoholic husband refuses to see that he is addicted and is abusive to their kids and continues to make excuses for it because seeing that would mean they are not the perfect family and she has been enabling her husband to abuse the kids and she would have to face the terror of conflict and potentially losing her connection to him all together if she stands up against it.
A man does not see that the reason he hasn’t been paid in a business start up is because he is being used by his partner and will never be paid. He continues to make excuses for the other man because seeing the reality means he was duped, wasted years and tons of money that he will never get back and now is at ground zero or worse. He will have to get a different job, potentially a way less desirable one just to make ends meet. And this time, having lost trust for people completely.
A man in a partnership does not see that his partner loves him because seeing that would invalidate all the things his parents said about him and all the ways his parents treated him. In order to stay close to his parents, he has to believe he is unlovable and deserved the treatment rather than to see that his parents never did truly love him or treat him right. So to avoid breaking his family up and potentially lose his place in it, he will continue to stay in the role of the scapegoat and refuse to see what real love is and the love that he does have from his partner.
A woman is triangulating everyone in her social group against another woman in her social group because she is super threatened by and jealous of the other woman. She does not see that this is what she is doing because to see her own jealousy and feelings of inferiority and to see that she is triangulating would make her feel shame and see herself as the bad one and thus amplify the very painful feeling she has relative to the other woman. As well as make her feel like crap about herself.
Reality, as it applies to this practical level, is in fact your only axis of power and it is critical in terms of awakening. Many of the spiritual practices people engage in today are a mechanism of reality avoidance instead of practices that create an expansion of subjective reality. For example, if one cannot face the fact that they are in a bad marriage, it feels much better to avoid that reality by attaching to the idea that twin flame relationships should feel that way because they are ‘intense growth relationships’. It is only by seeing the reality that the gas gauge on your car is empty that you can take the step to fill the tank up again. It is only by seeing the reality of how someone else feels that we can say and do the right thing to create repair in the relationship. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Reality.
When we become aware of something, it implies change. We could call awareness the first mechanism for change. The thing is, as your awareness increases, perception of reality becomes more solid but what the perception of that reality means becomes mutable. This is what I mean… There are two blanks the reality of a situation and what that reality means. In the beginning of the awakening process, people are VERY solid about both. For example, that person is an addict and addiction is a lifetime disorder and so you should not be in a relationship with them. When your awareness begins to increase, you start to see the solid nature of both perception and meaning weaken. And the first to weaken is the perception of reality. So using the previous analogy, it becomes that person is an addict but maybe addiction is something we all have and do and maybe it isn’t a lifelong disorder but rather a way of coping with what you feel you can’t change but you shouldn’t be in a relationship with an addict. And this eventually develops again so you can see the reality clearly, but there is great mutability in the meaning. So using the previous analogy, it becomes no one is an addict but everyone is addicted and this is the strategy that he or she is using to try to mitigate pain that they feel they can’t resolve any other way. But perhaps being in a relationship with them is what that person needed to resolve the very wound that they are covering over with that substance. Perhaps the addiction will make the relationship miserable. Perhaps the first person’s addiction is the necessary pattern that will get the second person to recognize their own addiction and resolve it. For people who are more conscious, they begin to perceive objective reality, which is the amalgamation of all subjective perspective much clearer. But what that awareness means and implies you should do, becomes mutable and flexible.
People add meaning to experiences. That is what they do. But I can promise you that questioning that meaning will greatly help you to be willing to see reality. For example, you may decide to not really see and admit that you hate your job because you automatically make it mean that you will need to quit and then find yourself in a world of financial pain and terror. Seeing reality will sometimes mean a very specific change needs to take place. But seeing reality doesn’t intrinsically and automatically mean that a certain and specific change needs to take place, life is more complex and dynamic that that. And if you remember this, your mind will be more willing to see and accept certain things. If you want to learn more about doing this, watch my video titled: Meaning, The Self Destruct Button.
Speaking of meaning, when it comes to assigning painful meaning to something and therefore not being able to see it, look no further than self-concept. When the meaning that we assign to something is negative, we refuse to see that thing within ourselves because it destroys our self-concept. People can’t see things about themselves if seeing those things about themselves would mean they would see themselves as bad and wrong and have to make painful changes to their personality and behavior. To understand this lack of self-awareness and personal awakening fully, watch my video titled: Self Concept The Enemy of Awakening.
Because we are raised relationally dependent in a society in which our survival depends upon each other and has for thousands of years, the only way for our self to survive is if we are in the good favor of the rest of the social group. The rest of the social group, beginning with our parents when we were young, have to approve of us. They only approve of us if we are “good”. That is if we are being in a way and doing things in a way that is deemed good by the specific individuals around us. There is no real clear distinction amongst humans between doing bad and being bad. Therefore, the single most important thing to the human ego or sense of self is to believe itself to be good. Shame is the #1 enemy to the human ego. And so when shame is a consequence, people will be likely to not see something about themselves.
Not seeing something is denial. Not seeing is a coping mechanism and a coping mechanism is an adaptation we make that enables us to deal with a difficult environmental stress that we feel we cannot change or eliminate. Sometimes, when we can’t deal with, change or eliminate something painful, in order to avoid despair, we simply deny whatever is painful. We refuse to perceive it. We don’t feel it, don’t hear it and don’t see it. But denial as a state of lack of awareness also comes in other forms. Denial is not just about denying that something is. Some people see that something exists, but their denial comes in the form of minimizing the impact it has on their life or someone else’s life, excusing it, forgetting it or rationalizing it. For more information about denial, you can watch my video titled: How To Call Bulls#!t on Denial.
At the end of the day, the bottom line in all of this is that awakening is all about expanded awareness. It is the ability to hold space within your consciousness for all truth, not only the controlled focus on what you want to have be true. Any methodology that is being used to fuel denial is by definition an enemy to awakening, enlightenment, awareness and expansion.
Become aware of what pain or painful changes you are trying to avoid by not seeing, feeling, hearing and accepting certain things. Become aware of the painful meaning you are adding to those certain realities that you don’t want to see. The more willing you are to consciously face that pain you are wanting to avoid, the more open and less avoidant you will be of awareness and ultimately the closer and closer you will be to fully awakening. So ask yourself these questions: If this thing were true and were the reality, what would be so bad about that? If this thing were the actual truth or the actual reality, what pain would I be avoiding by refusing to see and accept that? And remember, People don’t see things when the seeing of them means feeling pain. Most especially, they don’t see things when the seeing of them means that they would have to make changes to their life that they think would be painful.
Reality is a hot topic that is debated extensively in spiritual, religious, psychological and philosophical circles. Keep in mind that just like the concept of truth, people have dedicated their entire lives to the study of just the concept of reality. Therefore, a video like this one could never do justice to the entire truth about reality. That being said, that has never deterred me from the challenge of un-packing a complex concept, so lets dive into reality and into why it is so important to have a grasp on reality.
Reality is defined as the universe or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them. Something that is real is something that actually exists as a thing or occurring in fact, not imagined or supposed. Here we run into several roadblocks already. The people who agreed upon the definition of ‘real’ were heavily locked into the perception of the world as separate to them and also the difference between thought and what is real. They were also under the impression that the only thing that truly exists is the physical dimension of existence. If reality exists both at the physical and non-physical level of existence, then thoughts are real and therefore one cannot define reality as being a thing separate from thoughts or notions.
We would love to think that our senses of perception such as sight, sense of smell, hearing and felt perception can perceive objective reality. But actually, this couldn’t be further fro the truth. Radio waves, X-rays and gamma rays are passing through your bodies all the time, but you are not aware of this reality. And take touch for example. Particles are attracted to particles with an opposite charge. They repel other similarly charged particles. This prevents electrons from ever coming in direct contact with each other. You are made of particles. When you pick up a pen, the electrons within your body are repelling the electrons that make up the pen. Because of your nerve cells, when you feel this repulsion in the electro magnetic field, you perceive yourself to be touching it, but actually, you aren’t. Unless an organism is doing a lot of philosophical exploration, it does not stop to imagine that there is more to reality than it can perceive. I will never forget an interaction I had with a little crayfish in a stream in the desert. I watched him explore my leg for a half an hour. With no notion of a world outside the stream, I was an extraterrestrial to him. It may have been the closest a crustacean has ever come to an existential crisis. People love to believe that they are the ones with their finger on the pulse of reality. But so did that crayfish before I got into the water with it. We must stop to consider that relative to objective reality, we are that crayfish!
Objective reality is the amalgamation of every subjective reality, which added together forms the objective reality relative to any given subject. It is not possible to be able therefore to grasp objective reality unless you are #1 dis-identified and #2 can expand your perception to accommodate for all perspectives involved in the truth of a subject. This is what “source mind” ultimately is, assuming the definition of Source is all energy and therefore consciousness in existence. Even though every subjective perspective is a part of it, this objective reality exists independently from subjective perspective of it. When one is identified, perceiving objective reality is impossible because if you are identified, you will still be observing something through your individual and subjective perspective.
Subjective reality is something being perceived as real that is the direct result of one’s own perspective, including individual experiences, feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, preferences and opinions. If you are identified, the only reality you can perceive is subjective reality. You have to transcend “I” and accommodate for other perspectives (by recognizing the other as part of you, not separate to you) in order to perceive beyond subjective reality. As identified human beings, we have the ability to perceive just enough to get by in our limited physical environments, but not the capacity to perceive the full picture. A consensus reality is actually a subjective reality, not an objective one. It just means that a group of beings agrees upon a subjective reality. Religion is a good example of a subjective consensus reality. When someone says you have to accept reality, what they are saying is that you are operating from your own subjective reality and are therefore not perceiving objective reality because you are not accommodating their subjective reality.
The first thing that we must address when it comes to reality is whether or not it exists. There are many people that teach that there is no such thing as reality or that reality is in the eyes of the perceiver. People who support the idea of non-reality, including many quantum scientists, argue that there is no such thing as objective reality because every possible observation or interpretation is tainted by subjectivity and therefore does not constitute truth. Many of them teach that nothing is real, because nothing exists until it is observed or measured. This concept is supported by things like the double slit experiment. To simplify this concept insanely, until we observe reality, it exists as a wave of potentials and probabilities. The funny thing is that even these non-reality concepts prove the existence of an objective reality. Even the concept that nothing exists because it exists as potentials would constitute in and of itself as an objective reality.
An objective reality exists, regardless of whether an individual that is a part of that reality perceives that reality or not. There are many constraints when it comes to perceiving objective reality, constraints like biology, awareness, belief patterns, coping mechanisms etc. We must consider whether or not it is even possible to conceive of objective reality as a singularity. To understand more about these concepts, I urge you to watch my video titled: Objective Truth (Do We Create Our Own Reality?). It is critical to decide if we are talking about subjective reality or objective reality when we are discussing reality with someone because both are valid and extremely important. For example, a person’s personal truth, which is critical for them to get in touch with, relates to subjective reality. A truth that can set someone free from his or her own limited perceptions, which is also critical, could relate to objective reality.
To say “I create my own reality” is true in terms of subjective reality. However, relative to objective reality, it is ignorance. It is to use the spiritual truth of creation and perception to deny objective reality for the sake of individual preferences.
Reality also accommodates contradictory truths because it includes multiple dimensions. Because all things in existence are part of Source and therefore are imbued with the innate capacity to create, you can create reality. So can everyone else. Because Source is currently fragmented, objective reality is therefore a co-creation. This means you are not the only one creating objective reality.
The main goal of awakening is to become more and more aware… In other words, to become more and more able to expand so as to perceive objective reality. In fact, free will is only possible with true awareness. This means your perception must become more and more accommodating and you must always consider that you don’t know what you don’t know. But perceiving both subjective and objective reality, just like perceiving objective truth, is one of the most important practices you can dedicate your life to.
On a much more practical level, a shadow that many people in the world and even spiritual community have and that many people in the world unfortunately enable, is the denial of reality. If we have grown up in particularly powerless situations as a child, we may have the tendency of not wanting to face reality if it is painful because we don’t think we can do anything about it. We begin to engage in the creation of overlays. To understand overlays in depth, watch my video titled: Overlay, What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship.
Reality, as it applies to this practical level, is in fact your only axis of power. Many of the spiritual practices people engage in today are a mechanism of reality avoidance instead of practices that create an expansion of subjective reality. For example, if one cannot face the fact that they are in a bad marriage, it feels much better to avoid that reality by attaching to the idea that twin flame relationships should feel that way because they are ‘intense growth relationships’. It is only by seeing the reality that the gas gauge on your car is empty that you can take the step to fill the tank up again. It is only by seeing the reality of how someone else feels that we can say and do the right thing to create repair in the relationship.
Imagine that you are in love with a person who has died. But you will not accept that the reality is that they have died. Instead, you decide that you create your own reality and so, despite rigamortis, you prop them up at the dinner table and keep talking to them and set a dinner plate in front of them. It is easy to see that this is not going to work well for you. Perhaps you stay in denial of reality because you want to avoid the pain of accepting that they are dead and being powerless to bring them to life again. The thing is, ALL of your power to do anything that can be done is within reality. It is only by accepting the reality that they are dead that you can do something about it. If it were possible in reality to bring people back from the dead, you would have to accept the reality that they are dead first. If it were not, the only way to make the next most empowered choice for yourself would be to actually accept they are dead and plan your next best move according to that truth.
For another analogy, imagine that you are in a boat in a river headed towards a waterfall. It is obvious that your only access to power is to accept the reality that you are headed towards a waterfall and to act accordingly by getting your boat out of the water. If you refuse to see this reality, you’re going over! This is part of why it is so important to get closer to objective reality by accommodating other people’s subjective realities. If the reality of how a person thinks and feels is a certain way, refusing to accept that it is their reality means you are in fact not in objective reality and therefore cannot respond accordingly. You can only make a genuine change from inside reality. Therefore, as opposed to rejecting the idea of reality in general, we should commit ourselves to the perceiving of it… Both our subjective reality and objective reality.
As far as subjective reality is concerned, different perceptions lead to completely different experiences of the reality that we individually interpret and accept as truth. Thankfully, subjective reality is mutable as hell. It is constantly amending and evolving and should be. A single change in a belief or experience can cause a complete shift to subjective reality. This is good because the current aim that the universe has relative to becoming conscious itself is to expand each subjective consciousness split within itself wide enough to accommodate all realities within itself, which allows the objective truth of the universe at large (itself) to be perceived. It is a bit like consciously putting puzzle pieces together to see the overall picture. Creating your subjective reality consciously is super healthy as long as it is not done to the exclusion of other subjective perspectives, which is the exact opposite of awareness.
To expand your grasp of reality, you must expand your perception as much as you can and even if it sucks to do sometimes, because you have absolutely no personal power from outside reality. It just so happens that in a universe with multiple dimensions and therefore layers of truth, reality is often multi layered. At one level of reality, since everything in existence is created, all reality is as much of an illusion as it is real. At one level of reality, since everything is just energy and beyond that atoms, it isn’t very dangerous for atoms to swim around with other atoms. At another level of reality, perceiving that you are swimming with fish, because it feels scary to admit to the reality that you are swimming with sharks, is a really bad idea if you are in fact swimming with sharks.
The mandela effect is essentially memories that do not match our current reality or the actual history of our reality. Some examples of this are a painting of King Henry the 8th with a turkey leg in his hand that many people recall seeing in history books, but literally does not exist in any record now. The Berenstain bears being spelled Berenstein previously. Memories of a man being run over by a tank in Tiananmen square. Agatha Christie never being found after her disappearance. Sinbad starring as a genie in a movie called Shazaam. C3PO is remembered as being all gold, when in fact he always had one silver leg. Carmen Sandiego the cartoon character having a yellow trench coat long before the red one. The Fred Rogers song going “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood” when in fact it’s “this neighborhood”. That Martin Luther King was shot with a handgun at close range in front of a crowd. In fact, he was shot by a sniper with a rifle while he was on a balcony of his hotel. People also collectively have different recollections of the location of countries relative to one another. They remember movies before they are even released. They remember different dates and numbers for things. You get the picture.
The reason why we call it the Mandela effect is that one of the earliest recorded occurrences of this is the apparently not accurate way that several people remembered Nelson Mandela’s death and funeral coverage. People all over the world remembered identical details, including that he had died in prison and in the 80s. This is surprising seeing as how he died in 2013 of a respiratory infection at home.
People usually hate when answers are not as straightforward as one single explanation. But when it comes to the mandela effect, there is not one explanation. The term is used to describe any discrepancy between a memory that many people share and the apparent truth of the reality they perceived. Many things can and do cause this. Some things attributed to the mandela effect are media manipulation, government cover-ups and even societal gas-lighting. Some things attributed to the mandela effect are collective false memories based on the way that the human mind works in terms of perception. Some things attributed to the mandela effect are the result of the human being’s capacity to perceive beyond the limitation of their current reality and timeline.
An example of the collective human mind creating false memory as a result of bias, association, misinformation and imagination is the popular children’s book and later TV series, the Berenstain bears. It was always spelled Berenstain. But so many people, most especially parents reading to their children, pronounced it Berenstein that the mind itself adjusted its perception of the spelling of the name of the bear family.
Because history is almost always written by the victor, millions of things people remember throughout history that were in fact true, have become part of the vast array of re-written history. In today’s world of government cover-ups and media pay offs and lobbying, this has only gotten worse instead of better.
Perhaps the most esoteric cause of the Mandela effect can be seen in the example of Martin Luther King. Many people seek to explain the Mandela effect as being the result of humanity slipping in and out of parallel or alternate realities. The universe is a multiverse. It is multi-dimensional and timelines within the universe are not linear. Our brain is designed only to perceive one of these dimensions and to focus and construct reality in a linear way. Even though this is the case, consciousness itself is far beyond the brain. The brain is more like a computer, which is translating consciousness rather than it is the generator of consciousness. Because of this, we do have the capacity to perceive collective consciousness as opposed to our individual consciousness and we do have the capacity to perceive other dimensions as well as other life path potentials.
When media manipulation and cover-ups are not the cause, the perception of life path potentials accounts for a lot of the memories surrounding the less that accurate recollection of historical events. The collective memory of Martin Luther King’s death was the perception of his most dominant life path potential. His pre-birth intention was to be assassinated. All of his life paths led to this same end. However, there was variability regarding the assassination. The most dominant life path potential was to die in the exact way that most people remember him dying. He would have been in a crowd. He would have been killed at close range by a handgun and by a black woman. On the day he would have died in this way, the woman did manage to stab him through the chest with a letter opener, but never removed the gun she was also carrying the day she stabbed him. However, the awareness he gained of the corruption of the government relative to civil rights caused him to abandon this life path potential as well as his second most likely life path potential. His second most dominant life path potential was to be killed by a grenade thrown through the window by white men while he was at his home. The reason his soul stream chose the death he did end up choosing was to attempt to highlight the corruption of the government specifically. Sadly, that focus did not get placed where he had intended and instead was placed on James Earl Ray. Perhaps the best way to perceive this mentally is to watch a movie called Sliding Doors.
Memory is both fallible and infallible because perception is. You will experience conflicts between your memory and the reality you live in. In a universe that is a multiverse with multiple dimensions and therefore parallel realities, where time and space is only a construction of some of those realities, it would take several books to explore the tip of the iceberg of the ways that this reality of the universe can effect the rather limited and linear, time space perception of a physical human. Let’s say the “bleed throughs”, “glitches” or “paranormal situations” that can occur. When you desire to ponder parallel realities, simply remember that the universe has no interest in redundancy, which is why it does not tend to make multiple copies of a thing. But a thing can very well be multi dimensional in its nature.
As scary as it is, perception is much more complicated than we would like, for the sake of our sense of stability, to perceive.
Chances are you’ve read a million things about the importance of responding instead of reacting. Chances are, especially if you listen to my material, you’ve also heard about the importance of validating people’s emotions and perspectives. We’re not here today to talk about those things. We’re here to talk about a shadow that has piggybacked on these teachings that you’d do best to have your eye on.
So you can understand this shadow, let’s imagine that a man is in a marriage but has fallen in love with another woman. He decided to tell his wife, who has been trying to encourage him to authentically share himself and his truth with her. When he tells her that he is in love with another woman, she gets really angry and also cries. This man says to her “see… this is why I can’t be truthful or honest with you. I can’t be myself because this is how you react to my truth”. Though we can always get better at making this world a safe place to accommodate each other’s truths, it must be understood that there are two glaring issues with what happened in this scenario. The first is, the man is making the owning and expression of his truth in the relationship dependent upon getting a positive reaction. The second is he is not making any space for her negative reaction. This means, he is still operating from a “your truth OR mine” perspective where there is not enough room in the relationship for both of them to feel how they feel and think what they think.
Can you imagine how painful and abusive it would feel to have your partner tell you that they have decided they don’t want to be married any more. But if you get angry or start crying about it, you are the one shamed for reacting negatively and you are told that your negative reaction is the reason they had to cheat instead of be open that they fell in love with someone else months ago? I actually watched this happen to a client of mine this week with my own eyes.
The shadow here is that a person’s basic message is: React positively or else. React positively or you’re the asshole. React positively or you’re the narcissist. React positively to the painful truth I’m telling you or I wont tell you the truth. React positively to a truth which hurts you, or you’re the reason I can’t be me. React positively to any truth I share, or you are the one who doesn’t see things from an enlightened enough perspective.
We have an impossible time understanding unconditional love. We misinterpret unconditional love as unconditional positivity. Therefore, if we tell someone a truth about ourselves that hurts him or her, and they react negatively, we decide they don’t unconditionally love us. We decide they don’t love us as we are. This is ridiculous when you really think about it. It is to make unconditional love about a person being able to be positive towards us no matter how hurt they are by us.
For example, I knew a man whose wife decided that her truth was that she didn’t want to be a mother and instead wanted to be an actress, despite having two kids already. When she told him this and that she had decided to move to LA alone for half the year, obviously he was extremely upset. But when he got upset about it, she told him that this is the reason she couldn’t be herself, because he would get upset about it. Suddenly, the entire thing was deflected away from the fact that she had lied to him about wanting kids and wanting to be a housewife and instead the whole thing was put on him because by reacting negatively to the idea, he was discouraging her from being her true self.
It is totally understandable why people learn to be inauthentic and lie and be fake and act like chameleons. The reason is that in our childhoods, we receive serious consequences for being ourselves and expressing our truths and trying to meet our needs directly. Our survival depended on the people dolling out those consequences. So, we abandoned ourselves for the sake of survival. It’s terrifying to consider doing the opposite. But we cannot make doing the opposite conditional upon every person reacting positively to us. We cannot require them to be inauthentic and be positive so we can be honest.
There are many times in our adult life that we will find ourselves in scenarios where some truth we need to share about ourselves or some best interest we need to stand by, will negatively impact others. This is especially true if we’ve committed to the path of authenticity. We may have built a life of lies and people may have based their lives around those lies we told ourselves and them. We cannot require them to react well or even respond well when we tell them these truths. We cannot make them wrong for having a negative reaction and we cannot make the telling of our truth conditional upon them reacting positively towards it. This is a really bad game of leverage. With this shadow, we put people in a muzzle. You’re unconsciously saying “don’t be authentic so that I can be authentic”. This is especially the case with anger. A lot of people have such a trigger around anger that they require no one to ever be angry for them to share their truth.
There is a common misunderstanding in the spiritual field and that is that when people are responding; it will always be positive. In other words, any time someone does or says something negative, it is a reaction. This is not the case. Even after a person has had time to digest a situation, be mindful and conscious about it, and is empowered in terms of choosing their response, the response may be a negative one from the perspective of the person on the other end.
Though it is perfectly understandable why a negative reaction or response from others makes it harder to be yourself, from universal perspective, it is no one’s fault if you can’t be authentic but your own because it is considered to be a choice you are making to not be authentic so as to avoid whatever consequence. People are going to react to things. Those reactions will not always be positive. To expect them to not react is to be in illusion and to make them responsible for you being able to be you.
It may not be easy to do and we may all find ourselves in situations where we don’t own or express a truth because we have consciously decided authenticity is not worth the consequence. But we must also be aware that owning our truth is a decision we can make regardless of negative reactions. Throughout history, people have figured this out and have even chosen to be put to death rather than to abandon their truth. It’s tempting to believe that it’s not worth it in this kind of scenario. But there may be certain personal truths that are worth dying for because living out of alignment with them is not a life at all.
A person is a programmable being. We are susceptible to negative and positive reinforcement patterns. But consciousness is capable of transcending these patterns. It is also capable of intrinsic motivation, which is much deeper than extrinsic punishment or reward. Expecting a person to dance on the table for us and clap their hands when we tell them something that opposes their best interests is cruelty.
If we show or tell someone a truth about ourselves, it will cause them to become more clear about their truth. We have to develop the capacity to make room for both truths. If you have difficulty feeling safe enough to share your truth, practice doing it with people who are not going to be negatively impacted by that truth first. This is one of the main reasons that a good therapist is worth their weight in gold. If your truth is that you are gay, that isn’t going to effect their life at all, they can respond well to it. If your parents on the other hand are convinced you’re going to hell because of it, they will not react well and expecting them to react well is a set up for yourself and them.
If you need to express a truth that is going to negatively impact people, expect them to react negatively. Don’t make them responsible for you being able or not able to speak your truth or be yourself. Accommodate their negative truth about whatever you have expressed in the same way that you are expecting them to accommodate the truth that you are sharing with them, which they perceive to be a negative one. In a relationship, there has to be enough space for both people’s truths, this includes negative emotion as well. Don’t muzzle them by expecting them to react positively to truths that negatively impact them in the same way that you should not muzzle yourself by only telling truths that will be met with positive reaction.
Chances are, you have been socialized to believe that to be included and valued and loved by other people you have to be a good person. Basically, you have to be a good person to get your needs met in human society. The worst thing in the world is to be selfish. Because of this, you have been taught to abandon your best interests for other people’s best interests. The thing is, this is a huge crossing of your wires and as a result, though you see yourself as a good guy for abandoning your best interests, abandoning your best interests makes you a covert bad guy.
You have heard me talk a lot about the zero sum game in relationships. A zero sum game being “I win and you lose”. It is not possible to create a relationship that will work if there is a zero sum game being played. The reason is that trust cannot exist within a zero sum game. To trust someone is to rely upon someone to capitalize on your best interests. So obviously in a zero sum game, the opposite is occurring. An example of a zero sum game is a couple where one person has decided that they want an open relationship and the other wants a monogamous relationship. If the person who wants an open relationship simply goes and sleeps with other people, he or she is playing a zero sum game. If the person who wants a monogamous relationship says “tough, you committed to me so we’re in a monogamous relationship” he or she is also playing a zero sum game. There is no win-win in the scenario. To understand trust, which is the most important part of a relationship, watch my video titled: What is Trust and How To Build Trust in Relationships.
Parents and caregivers are the ones who teach children to play zero sum games in relationships. This is because a child is treated as sub-human. An adult has more power and tends not to accommodate a child’s best interests, especially when that parent is convinced that they know what is best for the child. For example, if child is miserable in a certain situation, a parent will usually say, “You’re going anyway” and invalidate the child’s perspective in some way. But many parents take it one step further. When their child expressed his or her best interests, they shame their child for it. They call their child selfish for it. They teach their child that to be good and to have a chance at meeting any of their needs and to show their parents love, they should abandon their best interests. The child is literally systematically programmed to disown his or her best interests.
When we have disowned our best interests, we have swung to the opposite side of the pendulum from people who are so attached to their own best interests that they refuse to accommodate other people’s best interests. The funny thing is, this opposite pendulum swing also creates a zero sum game. We have created a set up. The set up is that when we disown our best interests, we force other people around us to enter into a zero sum game that they never knew they were playing and never intended to play and none the less, we punish them for it.
In a business situation, it is expected that whatever other business you are doing business with, will acknowledge your best interests and if there is now way to accommodate them, then there is no business deal. The best interests of the two companies would then be considered incompatible. Therefore the conversation is no longer about how to create a business deal. It is about what to do in light of the incompatibility so that both parties feel resolved about there being no business deal. Seems straightforward right? But we have a hard time realizing that for a relationship to be good, the relationship has to run the same way. We don’t commit to creating win-wins in our relationships. We don’t change or end relationships with people who play zero sum games. Instead, we bank on the fact that the other person’s best interest is to stay with us and so we give ourselves room to play zero sum games with them. We keep people as partners and friends even though they play zero sum games because we think not being alone is in our best interests. We don’t want to face incompatibility in relationships. For this reason, I highly suggest you watch my video titled: Incompatibility, a Harsh Reality in Relationships.
Something most people don’t get is that facing incompatibility is part of accommodating both your and other people’s best interests. A fish can’t be in the air and a bird can’t be underwater. If a third option can’t be found, it is in the best interests of both to face that incompatibility rather than to demand that a fish fly or a bird swims.
In a relationship, just like in good business, you need to really know what your best interests are and really own them. When you own them, you are taking responsibility for caretaking those best interests. A big part of this is clearly communicating what your best interests are to people in your life. Not doing this sets a person up to be a bad guy even when they aren’t.
I often say that all it takes to become a narcissist around a person who is really codependent is to have an opinion, take the lead, be honest or ask for something. The reason is that a person who adapts this codependent style of relationship interaction, disowns themselves in order to meet their needs covertly. This includes their best interests. The person who disowns their best interests, does not take any responsibility for caretaking their best interests or communicating them. Instead, they expect the people in their lives to be psychic. They expect them to not only be psychic so as to know what their best interests are, but also for people to own and therefore take the full responsibility of their best interests for them.
Underneath this behavior, is the programmed belief/expectation that if this other person loved them, he or she would sacrifice their own best interests for them. This is after all how they have been trained to show their love to mom and dad and everyone else in their life. It only makes sense that other people would reciprocate. But the thing is, they don’t. And then they get to see those people as total self centered, narcissistic ass holes. This moral judgment about what people should do (and especially should know to do) relative to the best interests that were never even communicated, demolishes relationships.
This is a big reason why some people feel like they are constantly self-sacrificing to all the selfish people in their lives. The thing is, the people in their lives have been expected to be psychic about their best interests and know when yes means no. And they have been expected to own best interests that were never even communicated, keep transactions they never knew they were getting into and sacrifice their own best interests to prove their love.
It’s tempting to see these self sacrificing people who are always conforming to the best interests of others as the good guys… As the ones who are saintly and used by everyone. Don’t jump to this conclusion so fast. Have you noticed that everyone around them are bad guys? Perhaps that isn’t because they actually are bad guys. Everyone around them seems to be playing a zero sum game with them. Perhaps it’s because are they setting everyone around them up to play a zero sum game that those people don’t even know they are playing.
I’ll give you an example of this dynamic. Someone I know started a business. She figured that it would be a good opportunity for a friend of hers (who hated his job) to offer for him to come work with her and start the company with her instead. She paid him a salary. When the articles of incorporation were written, 100 percent ownership of the company was written to the name of the woman who started the business. The man who had quit his job to work with her to start the business knew this and said nothing about it. Years later, this friend wanted to move into a different house with his girlfriend. Because it cost more money than he had, he approached her to ask for twenty thousand dollars. She was totally shocked during that conversation to find out that without ever communicating the expectation, he had not seen the opportunity she gave him as an opportunity to work as an employee, but instead saw himself as a business partner and instead expected that because he started the business with her, regardless of what the articles of incorporation said, that she would simply give him a portion of the company or buy him a house when he needed it or at the very least give him a lump sum of money that a partner in a company would be entitled to, incase he ever ask for it. It was a transaction that she never knew she was getting into. A debt she never knew she was accruing. It was one she would have said no to from the beginning. But nonetheless, her refusal to agree with his estimation of the situation and her refusal to conform to his vision of what being a good person in the situation would mean, she got to be branded as the narcissistic bad guy and their relationship still has not recovered from it. She wasn’t actually playing a zero sum game, but the man in this scenario thought she was. Really, it was him that did not own his best interests or communicate them from the get go, so they could never be accommodated in the first place.
If I had a quarter for every time I’ve been sitting with a woman who is complaining about how selfish her husband is and how he never takes the best interests of the kids or her into consideration because he never spends time with them, only to watch him call and say he’s gonna be home late; to which she says “Ok sweetheart, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow” and then hangs up the phone and rolls her eyes as if the call was a validation of what she’s been saying, I’d be a rich as hell.
By not owning your best interests, you make it impossible to consider you or accommodate those best interests. You make it impossible to find a win win. You also make it impossible to figure out that there is incompatibility that needs to be faced in the relationship until it’s so late that the incompatibility will create serious pain to you both. If you don’t own your best interests, you are very dangerous to be in a relationship with because you unconsciously frame people.
Whether you directly own your best interests or not, you can’t get rid of them like you think you can. They are essentially needs. If you try to disown your needs, all that happens is that you will manipulate to get them met. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Meet Your Needs. If the pattern of disowning your best interests runs deep enough, the way you will covertly meet your needs and unconsciously manipulate to meet your best interests is through the pity you get for being the victim. You will turn everyone around you into the bad guy so that you see yourself as good and so that other people see you as good and you get the kickbacks of being the underdog, even when you actually aren’t.
The nicest person in the world could be forced by you into a zero sum game they never knew they were playing and definitely never wanted to win, if you disown your best interests. So, even if it is terrifying and runs totally counter to everything you’ve been taught, the time had come to re-own them. The time has come to really become conscious of what your best interests are in any scenario and to clearly communicate them. Love is not about self-sacrifice. Love is about finding the win-win. Love is about mutual accommodation of each other’s best interests and consciously facing incompatibility if no win-win exists.
As you probably already know by now, people can have all kinds of things that they, themselves are totally unconscious of. In fact, our conscious mind may completely contradict our subconscious mind. For example, we may consciously think and say that we love helping people, but the deeper truth is that we hate it and we only do it so that we get appreciation and guaranteed alliance with people. We may have suppressed our anger long ago and as a result, even though we are very angry, we don’t notice that we feel angry and think of ourselves instead as a super peaceful person. One of these unconscious patterns plays out in our friendships and partnerships, and if not seen and resolved, can ruin relationships entirely.
The pattern that is unconscious and that makes you (who consciously sees yourself as a friend and ally) actually a foe on a subconscious level, is the need to be the person who ‘reflects their shadow to them’. In less spiritual circles, this is the need to be the one who can ‘call them on their shit’. This is a position where you can feel a lot of pride in your relationships. But the identification you have with being able to do this for someone does not come from a healthy place. It is not the loving position that you tell yourself it is.
People in the awareness community use the word “shadow” to mean two different things. 1. Something that a person is unaware of and is therefore unconscious of and 2. Something about them that is either bad, wrong or out of alignment. If I had my way, we would stop using the word shadow for both things. A shadow is something that a person is unconscious of. When they become conscious of it, it is no longer a shadow. Some of the things that we become aware of about ourselves, we and/or others judge to be bad and wrong. Any time we have this judgment, we need to question it. That being said, sometimes we can accurately feel the “offness” of certain patterns within ourselves or others. Meaning that something a person is thinking, saying or doing, is not in alignment with their desires, wellbeing and perhaps the wellbeing of others. This pattern of being out of alignment in some way is often what people call someone’s “shadow”. I would rather this be called someone’s misalignment.
What you have to consider is that there is a potential that you might be projecting that something is “off” about someone when it is you that is off. It is quite common for us to perceive someone as misaligned any time something they are thinking, saying or doing is out of alignment with our desires for them. And our desires for them are usually because of what we want for ourselves. A better way of putting this is that we run the risk of thinking someone is out of alignment with their desires, wellbeing and the wellbeing of others when what they are out of alignment with is our overlay. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Overlay, What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship.
When it comes to this particular pattern we are talking about today, it is you that is misaligned. It is obvious that if people are close to us, they may perceive things about us that we are not aware of. They may see when we are misaligned. When a person in our life really loves us, the energy behind them making us aware of these things is an assist. It feels pure because there is no subconscious strategy on their end. But if there is a subconscious strategy behind this “reflection”, no matter how much the person thinks they are telling us what they are telling us for our own good, it will feel like they are taking something away from us, instead of adding to our wellbeing by assisting us.
Taking pride in (or being identified with) being the one who reflects someone’s shadows to them (or who calls them on their shit) feels bad because it is a power play. It has the energy inherent within it of “I challenge you and I oppose you” not “I assist you”. If you have this shadow, you distrust people at the core. You have slipped into the illusion of self vs. other. You are not practicing love because you do not actually see other people as a part of yourself. Therefore, what you can’t see about yourself is that you call people on their shadows out of fear. It is all about your sense of wellbeing rather than it is about the wellbeing of the person you are trying to reflect something to.
The reality is that if you have this shadow, you already see the person you are needing to ‘call on their shadows’ as the bad guy whether you admit to it or not. You therefore distrust their capacity to see themselves and distrust their internal compass and distrust them with yourself and distrust them with others. And so, on a subconscious level, you try to use their vulnerability against them for the sake of your own safety. When you are able to show them something that they don’t see about themselves or call them on their shit, it feels like a win for you. In that moment, you get to feel the boost of a sense of safety and self-confidence that comes with superiority. You have one-upped them.
When this pattern becomes even unhealthier is when you try to endear yourself to someone with this pattern. You see yourself as indispensable to them and try to convince them you are indispensable and they must defer to your judgment specifically because no one else is as good at seeing their shadow and therefore no one can really see them as clearly as you can. This isolates them. Therefore their health and wellbeing depends on keeping you around to see the bad and wrong things about them that they cannot see about themselves. The underlying message being conveyed is “I am the only one who sees the truth of you, it just so happens that truth isn’t good”. The reality is that you don’t actually see them. You only think you do. You see only those things about them that might pose a threat to you in some way.
This subconscious pattern is much easier to see in people when they are around someone who is in a position of power. If people perceive themselves to be powerless and being powerless to someone in the past has hurt them, they will be immediately triggered by people who they perceive to be more powerful than they are. They tend to associate nothing good with power, only badness. This means all a person has to do to trigger this dynamic is to be a leader or an achiever or an authority or an expert or more wealthy or more beautiful or more famous or anything else which seems to give them the upper hand. For the sake of their own safety, they either want to be the one who is always in the position of power with the upper hand, or for society to be completely egalitarian where hierarchy does not exist and everyone is equal at all times. In other words, they are either concerned with being the one in absolute power or they are in a crusade against power in general so no one ever has power over anyone else.
I can personally attest to this one. People with this shadow LOVE to think of themselves as the ones who can see things about me that I can’t. After all, my life purpose has put me in the position of authority and therefore power relative to awareness and seeing shadows. So there is hardly a more superior position in the world than being the one who sees the shadows of the shadow seer and who is more aware than the awareness leader.
People with this shadow often use two excuses to maintain this misalignment within themselves. This first is “Not everyone can see their own shadows”. This is a truth that is being exploited to justify harmful behavior. The second is “look at history”. History is full of plenty of examples of people (especially people in power) who became perpetrators because of what they did not see about themselves. People with this shadow hate “yes people” and perceive these historical tyrants to have been surrounded by yes people. Yes people being people who never oppose the tyrant and therefore enable horrible things. This hatred of yes people is simply their own unresolved hurt about someone in their life who enabled the person in power to hurt them in the past. Again, this is a truth that is being exploited to justify harmful behavior.
Due to all this, people with this shadow tend to play the devil’s advocate all the time. Playing the devil’s advocate in this scenario is an attempt to get someone they already see as the bad guy in a position of power to consider the other, which they perceive to be the underdog. Because they are identified with the underdog, what they are defending through devil’s advocacy is really the disempowered part of themselves. Essentially, they try to keep you both good and safe by knocking you down so you never have power.
It may be interesting to note that when people play devil’s advocate, they usually have a subconscious perception that if a person is upset at someone else, that person they are upset at is going to get hurt. This perception that they are about to get hurt, triggers their need to defend. Basically, the minute someone could get hurt, they become the underdog to the one that could hurt them and thus the one this person identifies with and will argue on behalf of. Again, they will subconsciously be defending themselves in their position of perceived powerlessness vicariously.
There is a deeper layer here that needs to be mentioned. When children are made to feel powerless by people in power and hurt because of that imbalance of power, children tend to stay safe by letting go of their identity so as to please the person in a position of power. Instead of being themselves, they be whatever the person in power wants them to be. This hurts. They secretly hate the person in power for this. When they begin to heal out of this pattern, instead of simply figuring out who they are and what they want and becoming free and empowered themselves, they rebel. Rebellion is in fact a disempowered state. Essentially, they can only feel a sense of themselves by feeling opposition. Antagonism is the way they feel defined.
If you can recognize this shadow in yourself, don’t worry about whether or not someone can see their shadows in general or not. If you are concerned with this, realize you don’t trust the person and the focus needs to be placed on that distrust you have for them (or people in general) instead. The real thing you need is not for them to see their shadow; it is for you to have more power. And in this situation, you are powerless to your own shadow.
You need to see that power is not the problem. It never was. Power does not corrupt; it simply magnifies someone’s character. This means, it would suit you to see power as a tool, more like fire. Someone can have lots of fire. If that person with the fire wants to hurt people, they will do something different with it than someone who wants to make people feel good will.
Focus on developing a strong sense of self. For you specifically, I have three videos, which will help you immensely. The first is: Personal Boundaries Vs. Oneness (How To Develop Healthy Boundaries). The second is: How To Be Authentic. And the third is: People Are Not All Equal.
Try to understand something that someone is doing and face your own resistance to it BEFORE you make something wrong. It is only by really creating resolution for our own resistance to something that we can arrive at the truth about something. For example, someone might think dressing sexy is wrong. But it is only by facing their own resistance to people dressing sexy and seeing where that resistance came from and questioning it that they can separate resistance from truth relative to dressing sexy, whatever that truth may be.
Also, practice love. To love something is to consider it to be part of yourself. This is a serious concept when you really get it. It demolishes power dynamics. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Is Love? When you are able to practice love, the reflections you give someone will be for them, not against them. And remember, we can be in total denial about something being for someone when it is really against them. We can also be in total denial that we are doing something for someone else’s benefit, when we are really doing it for our own benefit alone.
When someone does present an opposing opinion or show someone their shadows from outside this shadow, the flavor of it changes from a challenge to an assist. It doesn’t register as a rebellion, as antagonism or as a power play. Resolve this shadow in you or else you will be a foe, not a friend. And remember… at this rather psychological level of conversation, the devil doesn’t need any more advocates.
Here you are. You are on the path of awareness. Being on this path, you have learned that so much of what makes up who you are today, including what you want in your life, is trauma. If you become aware of and resolve that trauma, you have experienced that you change. What you want also changes. And it is here that you can make a crucial mistake.
You are smart enough to see that if you heal trauma, your desires can change. And so you try to play the game in reverse. You see a desire and believe that the achieving of this desire is going to lead to pain. And therefore, you try to heal yourself specifically so that the desire will change. Essentially, you try to process or heal yourself out of a desire. What you do not understand is that this is not how the universe works. And this approach often does nothing but make the desire stronger.
I’ll give you an example of this dynamic so that it will make more sense. Imagine a woman who was raised by her family to be a wife and mother. Deep down, she always had a deep yearning to become a success for her own achievements, not to have her success be all about what she does as a caretaker for other people so that they can succeed. She gets married and has a baby. She loves them both very much. But this desire for her own personal success will not go away. Being a relatively conscious person she sees that a big factor (and potentially the whole reason) behind why she wants personal success is because it was a trauma for her to never be able to have personal success. After all, in her family and culture, that is not something girls do. No one ever saw her for her; they saw her as someone who was born to serve so others could succeed.
She thinks or feels that if she went for her desire, her husband would be upset and maybe it would lead to a divorce. Her child would feel abandoned and maybe hate her as a mother. She sees this as a selfish move on her part. She may be wrong or she may actually be right that this is the reaction they would have to her desire. That isn’t what matters in this conversation. What matters is that her fear of losing that ‘feel good connection’ with her husband and baby, makes her try to resolve the trauma in her childhood (and do all the shadow work and processing and positive focusing she can do) with the hope and even belief that by doing so, she will no longer desire her own personal success. Instead, she will eventually feel amazing being a wife and mother. The thing is, it doesn’t work. In fact, the more she tries to do all this healing work to try to get rid of this desire, the desire gets more suppressed and stronger and she becomes more unhappy and more unhappy in the situation that she is in.
The times we tend to do this most is when we are afraid that a desire of ours threatens our social connections. Essentially, any time one of our desires threatens that we will lose our closeness to someone that matters to us. And especially when we have been led to believe by our specific social group, culture, society etc. that the thing we desire is wrong.
People have this idea that certain desires are bad and wrong and that if you desire them, it means something bad about you. This is obvious to see when two people are facing the issue of incompatibility. When an incompatibility is present in a relationship we care about, we try to make the other person compatible with us by making them wrong or bad for what they want. This creates shame in them. And they most likely will do the same to us. They will make us feel bad and wrong for our desire. After a while, the emotional condition of the relationship itself is shame and resentment towards each other because of it. When we make the other person wrong for their desire (when it differs from our own) we come up with a reason why they are wrong for it and try to then heal them out of that difference or try to change it so that it doesn’t exist. This never works because if you try, the message conveyed by approaching them in this manner will be “you need to be fixed because something is wrong with you.” They will feel totally unloved by you and unaccepted and unwanted as they are. It also doesn’t work because you can’t un-want something that you want. To understand incompatibility in depth, watch my video titled: Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality In Relationships).
Something that people have got to accept is that this is a time space reality of contrast, where both personal expansion and the expansion of this universe is occurring as the result of desire. This means that you have to accept that desire ALWAYS comes from the unwanted experience. At this point in our evolution, desire comes from trauma. There isn’t such a thing as a good desire and a bad desire. Any time we judge a desire as bad or wrong, we really need to question this judgment and consciously look deeper into understanding the desire itself as well as our resistance to it.
Where people are accurately feeling a discrepancy relative to desire is where people think their desire is one thing, when it is in fact another thing. For example, one man could want to be a multi millionaire because he wants that feeling of being financially free and that specific feeling of abundance that comes with knowing that he is the one creating that stream of income. For this man, being wealthy in this way is his true desire. For another man, if he asks himself why he wants to be a multi millionaire, it is so that he can have women be interested in him because he wants a relationship so badly. Why does he want a relationship so badly? Because he is lonely and therefore wants connection and wants to be wanted. It is obvious then, that he is not taking a direct route to getting what he really wants. He is finding a back road to get it in a round about way. Trying to make money will not feel good to him because it is a means to an end. If he accepted his true desire, he would probably go about getting it in a different way. His thoughts, words and actions would change to be more in alignment with his actual desires. As a result of being more in alignment in this way, he will feel happier and achieve his desires faster.
Keep in mind that a person may want something for mixed reasons. Using the previous analogy, a man may want that feeling of being financially free and that specific feeling of abundance that comes with knowing that he is the one creating that stream of income and also really want a close, connected relationship. When this is the case, it will not feel bad to focus on making money. He will also take action to prioritize having a relationship. The problem arises when we are trying to convince ourselves that we want something, when we don’t… Because it is just a means to an end or a strategy for getting what we really want instead. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: If You Want To Be Happy, Don’t Do This.
Speaking of mixed reasons for wanting something, most strong desires are wanted for mixed reasons. Some of these reasons you may judge as “shadowy”. For example, a healer may want to be in the healing profession because one part of them really loves the feeling of watching other people feel better. Another part of them may have been so hurt by unconscious people growing up, that making people conscious, feels like the only way to stay safe themselves. Notice your tendency to make this wrong because of where it comes from. The desire isn’t wrong. It simply suggests that where the focus needs to be is on what can be done to feel safe in social situations. Potentially that is doing something totally un-related to making people conscious. But potentially, consciously making people aware of what they are doing so as to see that he or she can have more power relative to their own safety is actually that healing they need to experience.
At this point, it is probably important to correct some vernacular that is getting in the way of your understanding relative to this topic. People in the awareness community use the word “shadow” to mean two different things. 1. Something that a person is unaware of and is therefore unconscious of and 2. Something about them that is either bad, wrong or out of alignment. If I had my way, we would stop using the word shadow for both things. A shadow is something that a person is unconscious of. When they become conscious of it, it is no longer a shadow. Some of the things that we become aware of about ourselves, we and/or others judge to be bad and wrong. Any time we have this judgment, we need to question it. That being said, sometimes we can accurately feel the “offness” of certain patterns within ourselves or others. Meaning that something a person is thinking, saying or doing something that is not in alignment with their desires, wellbeing and perhaps the wellbeing of others. This pattern of being out of alignment in some way is often what people call someone’s “shadow”. I would rather this be called someone’s misalignment.
I do have to warn you that there is a potential that you might be projecting that something is “off” about someone when it is you that is off. It is quite common for us to perceive someone as misaligned any time something they are thinking, saying or doing is out of alignment with our desires for them. And our desires for them are usually because of what we want for ourselves. A better way of putting this is that we run the risk of thinking someone is out of alignment with their desires, wellbeing and the wellbeing of others when what they are out of alignment with is our overlay. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Overlay, What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship.
The better you get at honing your desires, the easier it is to know what direction to actually go and where the focusing of your energy will feel the best and yield the best results. To do this, spend most of your time and focus asking why. Whenever you become conscious of a desire, ask yourself why you want that thing. For example, let’s say you are conscious that you want a good job. Ask yourself why. The answer may be so you can make lots of money and be successful. Ask yourself why you want to make lots of money and be successful. The answer may be so other people start taking you seriously. So ask yourself why you want other people start taking you seriously. The answer may be so they see you as worthy of connecting with. This exercise may prove to you that what you really want is to feel like people want to connect with you and value you. Obviously if you know that, you may go about getting to that desire in a different way. You may even see that the way you would try to get that experience would give you the opposite feeling, because in trying to get a good job so that people will value you, it proves they don’t value you as a person. Maybe if you do enough healing on that feeling that you can’t be valued for who you are, separate of what you do, you will choose not to take a job which is held in high societal esteem. But there is also a big potential that you might take a job that is held in high societal esteem, but no longer because you are doing it to get people to value you and want to connect with you.
Authenticity is the crucial thing to live in alignment with, including relative to your desires. You can never know in the process of healing, what the outcome will be. One person, who sees the trauma that gave birth to their desires, may resolve the trauma and no longer desire that thing. Another person may resolve the trauma and their desire for that thing remains and even becomes stronger. They may simply come at that desire from a different energy or place inside them. For this reason, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
Also never forget that the experiencing of the thing you want may be the very thing it actually takes to heal that trauma. To understand healing in depth as well as this concept that perhaps the experiencing of what you want (no matter if the desire comes from trauma or not) is the only thing that will actually heal the trauma, watch my video titled: What is Healing?
Desires are always being amended. Any time you achieve what you desire, more desires will emerge within you. You will want different things. There is no end to desire. There is no ‘end of the game’. The sooner you accept this, the more comfortable you will be in life. You will not find this sweet spot in life where you have achieved everything you ever wanted and therefore, you feel awesome all the time and desire nothing else. The reason you want that “end state” is because you associate pain with wanting. What if the way to not be in pain relative to wanting is to accept that wanting never ends and that your discomfort is really about the resistance to the desire, not the desiring in and of itself?
It may be the case that when we discover a trauma and work to resolve that trauma, that our desires change. But we have no idea if they are going to change or what they are going to change into. All that will happen as a result of healing is that we will become more authentic to who we really are and what we really want. For this reason, and even though it is terrifying to accept, you cannot process and heal yourself out of a desire. You cannot heal yourself so that you don’t desire something. You cannot heal someone so that they don’t desire something. This is not actually healing at all. Instead, it is resisting a desire.
In the world today, we are obsessed with unconditional love. It is what we all want and for most of us, it is what we want to be able to give, regardless of whether or not we actually currently can. But there is a form of “love” that is quite popular between people in the world today that is not love at all; instead it is poison in the disguise of unconditional love. That form of “love” or shall I say relationship is “I love you even though”.
The word love is totally misused. We have one word to cover several different things. What we are talking about today is not love; it is ‘wanting’ something in some capacity. To understand what love is, watch my video titled: What is Love?
Most of us have been on the receiving end of this type of relationship. If we were the scapegoat of the family, this was the only relationship we were afforded… I love you even though you’re a burden. I love you even though you are the main source of the problems for the rest of us. I love you even though you are an addict. I love you even though you are difficult. I love you even though you’re fat. I love you even though you are mentally ill. And the list goes on and on. Before today, many of you would have received a letter with the words “I love you even though” and would have taken it as loving, while ignoring that little seed of pain those words brought up. You may have thought “Oh… If they love me even though, they must really love me”. But all this reaction says, is how poor your self concept really is. And how unlovable you really feel.
It is impossible for someone to say “I love you even though” without simultaneously seeing something about you as unlovable. This is why it is poison under the guise of unconditional love. It is to say, “this is unlovable and still I love you”. It is I love you despite, instead of I love you with that thing. It excludes that part of you. To give you a metaphor, it is like visiting a person who wants you inside, but as long as you remove several parts of yourself that they don’t like and leave them outside.
This type of pseudo love sets up a really dysfunctional dynamic. First, it puts the person doing the pseudo loving in a position of power. It is in and of itself a narcissistic power play. They get to be “the good guy” and therefore superior for loving something “unlovable”. This form of pseudo loving is all about the person doing the pseudo loving. And it puts the person receiving the pseudo loving in the position of being both inferior and in debt to the other. It pushes them into a state of forced alliance and forced gratitude because that person did what no one else would do… loved them despite their defects. This can lead to an emotionally abusive dynamic whereby a person convinces a person that they are so unlovable and therefore would never be loved by anyone else. This person experiences such a self esteem drop that they end up feeling that they have to stay with that person, or the reality is they will end up alone. They buy it. “I love you even though” is a brilliant power play because no one can fight it. If they fight it, on the surface, they are turning away someone who ‘loves them the most’ and they are being the bad guy.
If you love someone ‘even though’, the reality is that you fully reject an aspect or several about a person. You do not want that part of them. You have a negative judgment about it. The reality is that you are in a relationship with the idea of a potential. Unlike it sounds, “I love you even though” is not what people say who have accepted something about someone else. It is what someone says if they are staying with someone during their process of change. It is what someone says if they are holding onto the idea that one-day, this person will change to be what they know they can be and should be. To understand this dynamic completely, watch my video titled: Overlay (What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship). To be in a relationship with someone who loves you “even though”, you have to buy into that overlay of theirs and feel bad about yourself because of the fact that you are currently falling short of it.
If you love someone “even though”, you have got to accept the reality of a person. This might make you really sad, but you have to accept the reality of him or her. It is a rejection of who they are in favor of they could be. For this reason, I want you to ask yourself a question, if the truth was this person would never (and I mean never ever) change the thing you disliked and didn’t want about them, what then? Would you even want a relationship with them at all? If yes, why? Why do you want that person to be close to you?
There are some in alignment reasons and a lot of reasons for wanting someone close ‘even though’ that are really out of alignment reasons. To give you some examples of out of alignment reasons to want to be close to someone who you see in such a negative light, here are some: 1. Out of principal (such as because I’m your mother). 2. In the transaction someone is getting out of the relationship, the pros outweigh the cons. 3. We can’t see ourselves as good if we are the one that pushes them away, so they have to do it. 4. Unconscious polarization that causes a magnetic pull or attraction to them. When this happens, it is because you have suppressed a part that they are the reflection of. It is about you, not them.
If you accepted that the thing you reject about this person would never, ever change, how would the relationship you have to this person need to change?
Think of it like this, if you were an item on a shelf that is being sold, you would want to go to the person who appreciated you the very most. Assume you were both blue and yellow. Would you like to go home with a person who said, “I love the blue and I love the yellow”? Or would you like to go home with someone who said, “I love the blue color, even though it has some yellow”? Also, if you love someone like this, you must consider you are depriving someone of the opportunity to be loved by someone who loves both the blue and the yellow. To stick with this metaphor, if it is hard to believe that someone could love your yellow, the reason you feel that way is because you were led to believe that parts about you are unlovable by someone and therefore will be unloved by everyone. You see parts of you as flaws and do not think those flaws can be loved. If you struggle with this, you would benefit by watching my video titled: How To Find Your Excellence (The Recognition of Excellence is 100% Dependent Upon Desire).
It is better to say “I love this about you and I hate this about you” than it is to say, “I love you even though”. It’s more honest. “I love you even though” is a gaslight of love in order to not have to see yourself. It is a form of passive aggression. A lot of people feel so guilty and so much shame about not really wanting who someone is, that they escape that guilt and shame by saying “I love you even though.” Which is a sister to “I keep you close even though I don’t really want to.”
To resolve this issue, you need to face the resistance you have to the things about a person that you really don’t like. What do you do with the things that you really dislike about someone? Do you sweep them under the carpet and secretly resist them? Do you consciously try to fix them, so the person is different? Do you hold on to hope for the day a miracle happens and they simply change? If someone is hurting you, directly address them with the way it hurts you, instead of making it about something that is messed up about them. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to fix someone so that they can be who you “know they are capable of being” and who you therefore want them to be.
If you really face the resistance you have to the parts of a person you don’t like, either you will discover that the resistance to that part of them is something out of alignment about you, or you will discover a truth about yourself that will mean you have to re-evaluate your relationship with that other person. You will have to do something about it. And that something is not flipping the power so the other person feels lucky to be loved “even though.”
We are terrified that if we really face what we dislike about someone, either we will have to face that something is out of alignment about ourselves or we will have to face that we are not compatible to the other person in the position they are in, in our lives. To understand about compatibility in relationships, watch my video titled: Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality In Relationships).
In order to actually love and especially in order to genuinely unconditionally love, we must stop falling for the disguise of unconditional love. We have to stop gas lighting each other with a façade of love. We have to be in a relationship with who someone is, not the overlay of who they are. We have to see “I love you even though” for the poison that it is and stop feeding that poison to each other.
A lot of people have the idea that I am against parents. Even though this isn’t the case, people get this idea because I teach reality. The reality is that you did not end up like you are for no reason. You are the byproduct of cause and effect. As much as you may want to believe that you just popped out of the womb the way you are, it isn’t the reality. Even though there are frequencies you opt into as part of your incarnation process, what most psychologists have right is that the vast majority of what creates your personality is in fact adaptation to your social environment growing up. It is the influence of mom and dad, or whoever your adult caregivers were.
If something goes wrong with a website, you go back to the beginning of how the code was written. We have to do the same thing to discover how our own faulty programming was installed and what it is causing us to do in our adult lives. We have to change the pattern that was adopted by us in those formative years and then repeated over and over again. The reality is that even the most well-meaning parents create seriously faulty programming that can and does destroy the lives of their children. And the reality is, I have shaken hands with probably 5 parents in this lifetime so far who are aware that they have unintentionally done this to their child. Most parents (for refusal to look at that patterning within themselves and for refusal to feel guilt or shame) vehemently defend the programming that is destroying their child’s life.
My grand vision is for all people; no matter what role they play in each other’s lives, to be able to heal together. My goal isn’t to turn kids against their parents. It is to break anyone who sits before me, free of his or her patterns. I wish parents and children would do this together. But when this goes terribly wrong is when a family makes belonging and closeness within the family dependent upon those detrimental patterns being upheld.
If I had my way, when one person in a family changed a pattern for the better, all other members of the family would do this for themselves and thus create better relationships in the entire family system. This is the real reason why parents even have specific children in the first place. The greater universe is concerned with the growth and expansion and joy of all beings in existence. This universe always pairs parents with children who hold the key to their self-awareness. This is a child who is supposed to switch a parent’s patterns to be in alignment with that parent’s actual desires. Parents either realize this and shift or resist that shift and by doing so, turn against their own child.
The reason parents can’t see that their child will make them a match to their actual desires is… ‘Be careful what you wish for’. If a person wants happiness and is unhappy because of a pattern that is preventing it, they will be given a child who opposes that pattern. They will think when this is occurring that this child is not what they want. For example, if a mother gives up on her own deep career desires to have a child; she will slip into a pattern of self-sacrifice. Her child will seem completely self centered and ungrateful to her. Really this child has come to get the mother out of her pattern of self-sacrifice so she will choose to pursue the career purpose she had intended. If this mother shifts, this child will support that choice in the mother. If she doesn’t, this relationship will deteriorate. It will cause the mother to doubt even having a child because this child did not give the validation and guaranteed love that she thought she would get out of that pattern of self-sacrifice.
The reality is that the number one need for a physical human is closeness with the social group and so; we will keep patterns and defend both them and the programmers who installed those patterns (our parents) to our own demise. So, whether you want to admit it or not, it doesn’t matter whether or not they intended to do it, your parents and the social conditioning you went through, and the early life experiences you had, were the problem in your life. Accepting this and changing those patterns does not mean you are betraying your parents, unless you are also willing to accept that your parents are right, that by breaking free of damaging patterns and getting happy, you are betraying them. If so, that is the definition of a terrifying relationship.
Seeing and accepting the reality of your family and changing these patterns you adopted in your family, does not mean you have to end your relationship with them. Some people, when they gain awareness of a situation choose to separate from the other people involved in that situation; while other people choose to change their relationship with those people for the better. Unfortunately, it depends on many variables in each situation.
All that being said, I’m going to tell you something today that has the capacity to change the way that you see your life entirely. After you no longer live with your parents and are no longer under the influence of their direct programming so to speak, the problem is no longer your parents. It is your parents within you that is the problem. Let me explain.
When we feel hurt by someone in the past and we feel doomed because we can clearly see that a pattern that was installed in us is damaging us instead of assisting us, we tend to feel powerless… and as a result afraid… and as a result, angry at the cause of that pattern. This is why it is so common for a person to be really, really angry at their parents in one phase during the process of healing. But this eventually leads to more powerlessness and therefore inhibited healing because you cannot change them can you? If they change, it is entirely up to them. They have free will. Because of this, often it feels like you are healing in spite of them. This all changes when you realize something… Your parents are inside you. It is not your external parents that keep the detrimental pattern alive. It is your parents internalized.
Consciousness itself functions like water. If you are looking at a river from above, you can see that a large river often branches off into smaller rivers. Our consciousness fragments. When this happens, our sense of self becomes fragmented. So even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple selves. The best way to picture this is to imagine that inside your body, you have a collection of Siamese Twins. To understand this completely and in depth, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. In this video, I also propose a method that will help you to understand the solution to the information I will provide in the rest of this article.
What most people don’t know is that every child copes with their childhood environment by internalizing their parents. This means every person has at least one internal Siamese Twin that is their internalized mom and one that is their internalized dad. This part of themselves is a perfect mirror of their parent. The primary reason a child does this is to establish rapport and therefore closeness with the people upon whom their life depends. The secondary reason a child does this is to take the control away from the parent so that the relationship (and especially conflict) can take place internally and under the perceived control of the child instead of externally and out of control of the child.
For example, if a parent has a pattern of humiliating their child, the child will create a personality fragment that mirrors their parent perfectly, that humiliates himself or herself first, before their parent does. The idea behind this is that if he or she takes over this job, not only do they control the humiliation (and therefore it hurts less), he or she might also be able to do it before the parent has a chance to do it, thus decreasing the rate of humiliation. But this part, being the now internalized mirror image of the parent exists long after the person leaves home and is no longer in a humiliating environment. Therefore, this coping mechanism no longer benefits him or her. Instead, it ruins his or her life. He or she is walking around with an internal humiliator.
One of the best examples of this pattern of the internalized parent fragment going horribly wrong for someone, is with self hate. Self-hate is one of the most dangerous adaptations a person can develop. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism. This has drastic implication for people with parents who gave them away for adoption or whom didn’t want them but kept them. It means one of your internal fragments doesn’t want you and may even be in charge of giving you away.
Here is a fun little hint. Fragments within a person’s consciousness function like boxes within a larger box. Every personality fragment that is created as a mirror to your relationship with Dad, will belong to the bigger fragment that mirrors your Dad. For example, if your Dad lacks empathy, you may have a part of yourself that lacks empathy. If he is constantly criticizing you, you may have a part that constantly criticizes you from the inside. If he is a hyper achiever, you may have a part of yourself that is a hyper achiever. These parts, you could either be identified with or you could suppress. All three of these parts (small boxes) actually fit into the larger fragment (larger box within your consciousness) of ‘Dad within me’.
I can tell you it is WAY harder to change a pattern if you are living with people who reinforce that pattern. And more than that, it is often vibrationally impossible to be in the same physical location as someone else if you do change a pattern. For example, it is WAY harder to change a pattern of low self-esteem into self worth if you are living with people who berate you. And if you develop self esteem, the likelihood is that you will not choose to be near people who berate you. But here is the best news you will ever hear… In order to really change your life for the better, you do not need to resolve your relationship with your parents directly. You don’t need to make your relationship to them better. You don’t need your parents to change. You don’t even need them to be alive. Your healing has nothing to do with whether they change or don’t. All you need to do is improve the relationship between the internalized fragments that are a reflection of your parents and whatever parts are opposite of those parts of you (the parts they oppose).
The most ironic thing of all is that it is only doing this that truly changes your relationship with your parents. Working with the internalized fragment that is your parent is the key to the healing you have really been looking for. To understand healing completely, I suggest that you watch my video titled: What Is Healing? It is when we change a detrimental internal pattern into its opposite that we see how to change that pattern in the external world.
In a perfect world, we would be programmed only in a way that would benefit us over the course of our lives. In a perfect world, whenever we realized that something our parents did or didn’t do, programmed us in a way that was detrimental to us, they would immediately change the pattern within themselves that caused them to program us in that way, and immediately shift to provide us with the opposite experience instead. Alas, we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a world that is constantly expanding and all people are more or less resistant to that expansion. The reality is that most of you who are still telling the story that your childhood was great or at least good by comparison, are avoiding looking at your own faulty programming because of fear. And that fear is perfectly understandable… even if it is resistance to your own expansion and the progress of the world and human society within that world.
For those of you who see the faulty programming, the reality is, it wasn’t fair what happened to many of you. It sucks that you faced what you faced in your childhood. It sucks you can’t have your childhood back in a do-over. And even if you did ‘choose’ it on one super esoteric level, the reality is that no one would have created what you experienced if it was truly their conscious choice. But you are not doomed because of what you went through. No one is. Your past does not dictate your future because free will is an absolute of your existence. It is possible to break out of the path of determinism with conscious awareness. It is possible to change these patterns you have been programmed with. To do it, you need to change the pattern within your parents within yourself.
Before I get into this topic, I must warn you that there is no possible way to do justice to the topic of truth or reality in and of itself in the amount of time that I have in any of these episodes. Philosophers have dedicated their entire lives to this subject. That being said, let’s dive into the topic of objective truth.
Absolute truth is something that is true at all times and in all places. It is a fact that cannot be changed because it is fixed, invariable and unalterable. A good example is, there are no round squares. The first thing to understand about absolute truth is that you cannot argue against it. To argue against absolute truth, absolute truth must be the basis of your argument. To argue against something implies that a truth exists. Even the people, who argue against absolute truth, fail to do so because statements like “truth is relative” or “there are no absolute truths” or “no one knows what the truth is” are absolute statements. This means, don’t even bother arguing about absolute truth because if you even argue against it, you’re proving absolute truth exists.
Objective truth gets a bit more complicated because the human definition of objective truth differs from the universe’s definition. The human definition is something being true independently from subjective perspective and therefore being completely free from the influence of personal bias. When one is identified, this is impossible because one must be observing something through their individual perspective. It is objective truth that every religion believes they are arguing. The universe’s definition of objective truth is different. It is the amalgamation of every subjective perspective, which added together forms the objective truth of any given subject. It is not possible to be able therefore to grasp objective truth unless you are #1 dis-identified and #2 can expand your perception to accommodate for all perspectives involved in the observation of a subject. This is what “source mind” ultimately is assuming the definition of Source is all energy and therefore consciousness in existence.
Subjective truth is something being perceived as true that is the direct result of one’s own perspective, including individual experiences, feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, preferences and opinions. If you are identified, the only truth you can perceive is subjective truth. You have to transcend I and accommodate for other perspectives (by recognizing the other as part of you, not separate to you) in order to perceive beyond subjective truth.
There is a difference between believing you have the absolute truth and speaking in absolutes. Almost every person who puts their opinion out into the world, such as spiritual teachers and professors and politicians and experts in any field, teaches what they perceive to be objective truth. Almost every person in existence puts forth their individual perspective as if it is objective truth. And this means, they speak in absolutes. It is a very good thing to consider that your perspective may not be objective truth, but may in fact be subjective and therefore limited perspective. To the opposite, trying to get everyone to speak as if their perspective is simply subjective, is to try to avoid the discomfort of your own trauma. Also, a person who has a mutable idea of truth and therefore is not fixated on the idea that they have the objective truth may still choose to speak in absolutes.
If people talking in absolutes bothers you, you need to become aware of and also resolve your own trauma. People who are bothered by people talking in absolutes are those who were wounded by authority figures who did not have a grasp of objective truth, but who instead imposed their subjective truth on everyone in the household, not accommodating for anyone else’s perspective at all. Any time someone talks in absolutes, they fear a repeat of the same pain. If these traumas were resolved, a closed mind might threaten you. But a person speaking in absolutes would not. You wouldn’t fear not being taken into consideration and you wouldn’t fear your own subjective truth being swallowed up and nullified.
There is as much benefit to people speaking in absolutes as there is danger. When we are confronted with a solid perspective, it is less difficult to brush it off. It has much more impact. I want you to imagine martin Luther King’s speech if it is not spoken in absolutes. So you can understand this, let’s take a look at one tiny section of his speech.
“Five score years ago, a great American in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree is a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity. But 100 years later the Negro lives on a lonely land of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of human society and finds himself in exile in his own land.”
Here it is revised so he is not talking in absolutes:
“Five score years ago, someone I think was a great American and in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. In my personal opinion, this was a momentous decree and in my opinion it has been a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who I, and many other people believe had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. For those who felt it was an injustice, even if the slave owners felt the exact opposite way, it came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity. But 100 years later, we must consider one perspective and it is that the Negro lives on a lonely land of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. I believe that one hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of human society and finds himself in exile in his own land.”
The danger of not speaking in an absolute way is that the human ego takes whatever door it can to escape discomfort. It doesn’t have to try a truth on for size. It isn’t confronted. If you weaken the frequency of your statement by saying something like “one potential is that you could be not interested in anyone you are dating because you actually fear getting close to anyone”. The ego will capitalize on that door that was left open that the potential is just that, a potential… and therefore, could not be true. Speaking in an absolute way is a tool, just as much as speaking in a way that posits and idea as only a potential truth is a tool.
If we define objective truth in the way that the universe defines objective truth (as opposed to the human definition of objective truth), then objective truth exists. It is the truth that arises out of the amalgamation of every perspective in existence. This also means that objective reality exists. There are things that are true, regardless of whether an individual perceives them to be true or not. An objective reality exists, regardless of whether an individual that is a part of that reality perceives that reality or not.
It is as dangerous to say there is no objective truth as it is for an individual to say that their subjective truth is the objective truth. It is as dangerous to say that there is no objective reality (because we create our reality) as it is to say that we do not create reality at all. These pendulum swings within thought are not in alignment and they are not integrated philosophies. They are a counter-reaction to the limitations and pain experienced by the opposite and preceding polarity. Instead of spoon-feeding it to you, my challenge for you is to sit with the potential danger of those polarized perspectives relative to both truth and reality.
The problem (or perhaps the blessing) is that there is no way to know from your identified perspective, whether someone is speaking objective truth or not. It could be that someone is simply speaking subjective truth and you are taking it for objective truth. It could also be that someone is speaking objective truth and because it is coming through an individual person’s mouth, you write it off as subjective truth… Oops. You will not know, until you, yourself develop the capacity to accommodate all perspectives and expand wide enough for the truth to arise out of the amalgamation of those perspectives.
One of the best ways to practice expanding your perspective in this way is to practice dis-identification, integrate your own fragmented consciousness and to practice AND consciousness. To understand these concepts in depth, watch my videos titled: Dis-identification (The Practice of Non Attachment), Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease and And Consciousness, (The Modern Day Replacement for the Middle Way). You can also begin to practice going into the perspective of other beings by practicing something that I call The Octopus Technique. To learn this technique, watch my video that is quite literally titled: The Octopus Technique.
Reality is a co-creation. This means you are not the only one creating reality and it also means that in order to create your own reality, separate of everyone else’s, you have to fall into illusion and choose disconnection. It implies you have fallen into the limited 3-d truth that you are separate from everything else and the illusion that just because in your individual perceptual reality, you are happy, it does not matter that in other perceptual realities, other aspects of you (that you see as other people) are not. To say “I create my own reality” is ignorance. It is to use the spiritual truth of creation and perception to deny objective reality for the sake of individual preferences. These people want to justify doing whatever they want to do regardless of anyone or anything else.
Reality also accommodates contradictory truths because it includes multiple dimensions. Because all things in existence are part of Source and therefore are imbued with the innate capacity to create, you can create reality. So can everyone else. But will you create that reality in illusion or in alignment with objective truth is the question? This is one of the traps people can fall into when using the law of attraction to create what they want to create rather than as a tool to find objective truth (a tool of awareness).
Objective truth is always evolving because Source itself has a subconscious and is always expanding because it is always in the process of becoming more conscious of itself. Source itself is in pursuit of universal truth. The more conscious it becomes of itself, the more the “truth of itself” emerges and therefore changes. It perceives people who say, “There is no truth because all truth is subjective” to be those who stagnate and settle and prevent expansion in the universe. It perceives this reasoning to be a cop out.
It perceives people who say there is no objective reality, because you can create your own reality, to be locked in a narcissistic bubble and therefore defying the universal truth of oneness. It perceives this line of thinking to be an overreaction to the perceived powerlessness experienced before this philosophy was created. It is therefore no more in alignment than it is to consider yourself powerless to other people’s creations.
The point where universal perspective is at the moment, is that it would hope for the truth to be accepted that all is one, so that all can be accommodated in that co-creation. During the process of fragmentation, in a universe where each fragment is imbued with free will and is also a byproduct of unconscious determinism, so many fragments in the universe are creating in opposition to one another, instead of in alignment with one another. It is by knowing each fragment’s subjective truth that we arrive at objective truth and thus know what is truly in alignment to create. This is conscious creation. Not creation fueled by unconscious determinism.
But having said that, you have no way of knowing if that is in fact objective truth or if that is simply my own subjective truth can you?
The concept of Karma has been a staple of spiritual philosophy for thousands of years. The super simplified idea of karma is that your actions in this incarnation, as well as previous incarnations, decide your fate in this life as well as in future incarnations.
Is Karma a reality in the universe? The answer is Yes and No. It is often easier to simply say that karma does not exist than it is to weed out the misconceptions from the truth about karma. Karma is a concept that was created by eastern religions, which arose from a society that was organized according to a caste system. In a caste system, society is divided into strata of hierarchy. If you were born to a certain class, you belonged to that group and therefore your life was already decided for you and was inescapable. The explanation for why it was fair for one person to be born a king, with everything in life given to him and the other to be born a pauper who would suffer and watch his children suffer and die, was that in a previous incarnation, he or she had done bad. His or her actions in a previous incarnation determined the suffering and bad luck or wellbeing and luck of their current life.
This is a ridiculous warping of spiritual truth. It is also to project human social practices onto the universe, most especially a sense of order and fairness established through the universe dolling out punishment and rewards. The punishment and rewards system of governing is not how this universe operates. Therefore, if this is how you see karma, karma does not exist.
Do past lives determine your future incarnations? Yes. But again, we have to weed out misconceptions from truths. The first thing to understand is that a conversation about past lives only makes sense from certain lower dimensional levels of the universe. At the highest level of truth in this universe, individuality does not exist. All is one. We are all simply fragments of the same thing. Therefore, technically, every life that has ever been lived is your past life. We create the concept of individuality by focusing on it. Just like we can focus on the different way that water moves in the ocean and suddenly define a current within the ocean as separate to and differentiated from the rest of the ocean. You can define a current within the ocean of consciousness that you identify with specifically that is your soul family and a current within that current that is what you call “your non physical self” and then your physical incarnation is rather like a current within the current within the current within the ocean (much like a fractal). We also create the idea of past and future by virtue of focusing on it. This perspective helps us to perceive expansion or what you call progressive change.
If we call the totality of energy in this universe, which is imbued with consciousness as “Source”, Source does not govern you because it does not perceive itself to be separate from you. It does not punish or reward. It perceives itself to be the amalgamation of all of it’s own fragments of consciousness. It perceives itself to be the overall mosaic so to speak. Because Source is imbued with free will, all fragments of itself (including your non physical aspect and your physical aspect) are also imbued with the quality of free will. The reason that a person who murders in one life might be likely to exercise that free will to choose to come back in the next incarnation as someone who is murdered is two fold. First, the universe is in the process of expansion. Expansion happens by knowing all it can know about itself. You are likely therefore, being a part of Source to try to understand and know everything you can know about every perspective in the universe. If you gained a lot of expansion out of a particular perspective, you may come back in another life and repeat the same kind of experience many times until you have extracted as much expansion as you choose to out of that type of incarnation. Conversely, you may realize your perspective is limited and you cannot expand without understanding the other side of a polarized perspective. For example, the polarized perspective from a lion would be the gazelle.
Second, the law of mirroring, which is also called the law of attraction, is always working in this universe. It transcends dimensions and extends beyond this individual life. It was a creation that was born within source consciousness as a result of the desire for source itself to become conscious instead of unconscious. If all there is, is Source, then all there is to become conscious of, is itself. Thus, self awareness is the motive, thus the design of a mirror was created. This simply means that you will experience the reflection of what you are. The law of mirroring is actually also what creates cause and effect. For the sake of your understanding, you can think of the cause as being the thing that is being reflected and the effect as the reflection in the mirror.
Like frequencies are drawn to like frequencies due to this mirroring within the universe in the same way that if you step in front of a mirror, you immediately (as if magnetically) see a perfect reflection of yourself there, whether you are willing to recognize that reflection as you or not. Every life that your “current of consciousness” projects itself into, alters the overall perspective it holds and therefore, the vibration it holds and patterns within that vibration. On a quantum level, this is what dictates what future lives you are a match to. They can be considered evolutionary potentials in the same way that your fate can be considered a future life path potential.
Part of what contributes to the overall frequency of your “current of consciousness” is free will… Personal desire and intention. So what you call the soul and what I call your “current of consciousness”, is a match to future lives for both conscious and unconscious reasons. And the more conscious you become, the more that free will dictates the incarnation cycle as well as what is reflected in a universe based on the law of mirroring. This is why there is truth to the idea that you will unconsciously choose to incarnate until you are fully conscious of free will. And believe me, you have no idea what I mean by that yet. And then, reincarnation is something that is either consciously chosen or not.
This means that the most likely scenario is that part of what dictated whether a person was born poor, versus rich or was born into an abusive family versus a loving one is free will, the desire from that “current of consciousness” to become more aware in alignment with source’s overall desire to be self aware. And part of it was the fact that the specific life was a vibrational match to the overall frequency of the “current of consciousness”.
People have got to accept that karma does not imply a kind of justice system in the universe. The reason why it doesn’t seem like people who you judge as bad get what’s coming to them, is because you do not see the actual reflection they are getting, you are instead looking at them through the lens of punishment and reward that you have been socialized into. What is happening in your life has nothing to do with whether you deserved something or not. Mirrors are impartial. They do not judge. They simply reflect.
When it comes to karma, as it plays out in your life today (not past or future incarnations) when most people observe what they call karma, they are really simply observing two things. The first is the principal law governing your time space reality, which is the law of mirroring. And the second is the law of cause and effect, which is simply a byproduct of the law of mirroring. To witness karma is simply to witness that in this universe, there is cause and there is effect. And it is to recognize that we will be a match to a reflection of whatever we ‘are’. For example, if we hold a pattern of creating transaction in relationships, we will be a match to people who also hold this pattern and who are transactional with us. Or, if we push people away, we end up alone.
If you do not understand why something in your life is being mirrored, it is because you are unconscious of it. If we are unconscious of what is within us or what we are, we will be shocked when we step in front of a mirror. Your future is always in flux. It is like a quantum soup of potentials, some of which you are more a match to due to what you are consciously thinking, saying and doing in your life now. Some of which you are a match to, due to what is unconscious within you. But if you change a pattern, you are a match to a different outcome. It just so happens that the average person doesn’t change much. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The Future. And remember that each moment is a new incarnation.
Depression is one of the most poorly understood conditions on the planet. All the ‘experts’ weigh in on what causes it and what solves it. But these causes and solutions are all over the map and often contradictory. And this can in turn add to the depression that people suffering from depression feel. Before I get into this episode, I need to say that depression is not a weakness and it is not something that you should be ashamed of. It is not a character flaw.
You can in fact understand depression as well as how to solve it by understanding the nuance in one single sentence. I’m going to give you this sentence and then use the rest of the episode to explain it in complete detail. Here it is: There is a big difference between resisting futility and accepting futility.
Everything you feel has a cause, dysfunctional brain chemicals are not the cause; they are the symptom. We are creators at our core. For us to feel good, we have to be able to perceive ourselves to be empowered so as to be able to alter our life so that our needs and desires are met. When we cannot do this, we feel powerless. Depression is caused by a situation in our life or many being something where no matter how many times we try and try and try, we cannot cause it to turn into what we want and what would meet our needs. Therefore, we feel it is futile. Futility and depression are synonymous.
What you will find is that life is relationships. If we talk about our home life, what we are talking about is our relationship to our partner, mother, father, siblings, children etc. If we talk about our career life that is still about relationships, but this time to customers, bosses, colleagues etc. So what this futility is really about is that you perceive that in order for something to become what you want and need it to become, you need cooperation from other people involved in the situation because you can’t create it or change it by yourself. But they will not collaborate and cooperate. Therefore, this incapacity to change the situation because you “can’t do anything about it” makes your self esteem go out the window and you perceive yourself to be forced to surrender to the tortured ended-ness of the fact that your life is suffering. This is pure futility. It is terrifying to learn that you cannot make someone take your best interests as a part of their own, and collaborate towards you feeling good in a situation. This causes anxiety. But anxiety in this scenario is simply like the phase before someone hits a sense of futility.
However, instead of accepting that futility, you resist that futility. Part of you does not give up which means you’re still in resistance to it. This creates a sensation that a person is not lost in a kind of darkness, but instead that they are becoming the darkness. To comprehend the way this works, imagine a person who wants to be let inside a gate to a village so badly that for years, they try every way to get it open and eventually slip into futility. At this point, they sit down motionless for years, still emotionally resisting that the gate is closed, hanging on to the strange possibility that one day, it might, so it’s just something you have to hang on through. All of this is done instead of getting up and walking to a different village.
Part of you has not given up. Part of you is not willing to let go completely. You refuse to cut your losses. You are so tied to the image of how you need something to be that you wont give up on it. This resistance to the futility is what makes you so exhausted all the time and keeps you stuck in endless futility. And people who suffer from depression tell themselves they “can’t” cut their losses, when this is really about choosing not to. And you have very valid reasons for not being willing to cut your losses. But no matter how good your reasons are, you stay powerless in this way. It is critical to become aware of just what you are so attached to that you can’t let go of by accepting that it will never come to be. What are you afraid will happen if you accept it is and always will be futile?
It is worth mentioning that some people use depression as a way to avoid committing suicide. This is because some people feel if they accepted the futility of a certain situation, they wouldn’t have any will to live anymore and would instead want to die. They would see no future. This often happens in situations where someone cannot conceive of wanting something else other that the specific thing they want and in the way they want it. For example, if they can’t get someone to love them back, they refuse to be loved by someone else. It is only ok if that single person loves them. People who suffer from depression also tell themselves that their needs are NOT going to be met anywhere other than in the situation that is futile. This is also more resistance to cutting their losses. They have to see that they subconsciously choose to commit to a dead end by doing this.
It is a common assumption that depression is about suppression. This is both true and not true, which means there is a subtle nuance here to understand. A person with depression isn’t actively suppressing. After years of trying (through not suppressing) to create the thing they wanted to create and get people to change in the way that would get their needs and desires met, nothing worked. So expressing their truth also feels futile. Communication does absolutely nothing, so there is “no point” in expressing. While this means that a person has to suppress their truth, it is a different flavor of suppression. It is not active suppression so that a situation can be what the person wants it to be. It is suppression because there is no point screaming for help if no one is around to hear it. Again, back to the futility. If you have depression, you are not authentic, because you think being authentic is futile.
So many children are stuck in this respect because the situation they often have to change (but that is futile) is the dynamics and arrangements of their family relationships, something that they are totally out of control of. If they try to express this, it only infuriates their parents and caregivers and thus makes matters worse for them. Childhood is prison where one’s happiness depends on the benevolence of the wardens. With a parent who is unwilling to help a child shift their life so they can feel good, a child is in hell and captive, powerless to change the circumstances of their life.
Here is where the spiral gets worse. Because of the unwillingness to actually accept the futility and focus on any other way of creating your desires and needs, you stay in the situation that is futile. To do this, you have to betray one part of yourself. And this part of you gets VERY mad at the other part. So it feels like part of you is destroying another part of you. It emotionally feels like self-digestion.
People who struggle with depression are both totally unaware of free will because they feel it is their responsibility to control the uncontrollable and get people to be how they want them to be (something they hate themselves for failing at). At the same time, they are all too damaged by free will. The grief they feel is that no one will participate in creating their version of a feel good life. They feel other people are all taking action, intentionally or unintentionally (and often idiotically as if oblivious) against it. You hate them for it because you feel so hurt by it. You can’t accept that other people have free will and with that free will, will not choose what is best for you. You also can’t accept that it is possible for you to do what isn’t best for yourself. You don’t understand this because it is an unhealthy relationship between two of your internal fragments. But because of this refusal to understand and accept that this is the case, you are just waiting for this to stop one day. As you wait, you feel more and more futility and more and more resistance to that futility the more people disappoint you by proving it is a futile situation over and over again.
And then the third aspect of this spiral of depression sets in. You look around and notice that no one feels this same futility that you feel. So you make it mean something about yourself. “Something is wrong with me because I can’t feel good”. But because of the magnitude of the amount you care about this situation and the magnitude of the futility in the situation, doing little things to try to feel better (things that seem to work for other people) does not work. It feels like throwing a tic tac at a charging rhino or trying to feel amazing about an ice cream cone, when an asteroid is headed for earth. Or watching a comedy show to laugh when someone you love and need is dying in a hospital bed. They are acutely aware that these little things will not make the overall issue any better.
What I am about to say is going to make some people very angry, but I have to say it. Depression is the byproduct of relationship dysfunction. Most people don’t want to see that depression is not chemically caused mental illness (remember the imbalance of chemicals is the symptom), but is the result of relationship dysfunction because most people don’t want to admit to the futility itself in the relationships they have. They would rather make it about how they feel. It is a coping mechanism for them to focus on brain chemical issues because this feels more empowering and promising than focusing on the real situation in their life that causes futility. It also offers hope that if someone sees they don’t feel good and are in fact ill, people might just feel enough pity to participate in creating their feel good situation instead of resisting it. For this reason, anti-depression medication is like shutting up the very voice telling you that an aspect of your life has to be changed, instead of actually changing it.
So what should you do if you struggle with depression?
Face your futility. Overcoming depression is all about becoming consciously aware of and facing and resolving the futility that is occurring in your life. Yet again, this could be a specific situation or multiple situations. Now that I have made you aware that depression is about futility and resisting instead of accepting that futility, look at your own life and recognize how this is playing out in your own life now. People often never get out of their depression because they keep trying new ways to make a futile situation not futile and therefore try to solve things in all the futility resistant ways they can think of, instead of facing the fact that futility in and of itself is the issue and especially, the resistance to that futility. This is why you should never approach healing from depression by “fighting depression”.
Do The Completion Process with the feeling of futility specifically. If you are depressed, the futility is about a situation you are currently in. But this pattern of futility is a pattern that began in childhood and this current situation, is a repeat/reflection of a situation in your past of this same kind of futility. To learn how to do this process, you can get a copy of my book that is quite literally titled The Completion Process. And if you want to be helped through the process instead of doing it on your own, you can find a practitioner who is trained to lead you through it at www.thecompletion process.com.
Work directly with the part of you that refuses to accept the futility and refuses to cut your losses. This is the part that continues to keep you adapting to the futile situation in ways that are detrimental to you. And this sets up a pattern of self-hate and internal anger. Also, work with the part of you that is opposite of that one. You don’t need to know what that part is specifically. You can simply say, “I choose with my free will to become the opposite part to the one that refuses to accept the futility and cut my losses” and allow yourself to really be overtaken by the energy of that part of yourself. To understand how to work with a fragment of your own consciousness like this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. Also, to increase your understanding about the internally focused anger that is created by this part of you, watch my video titled: Bulldozing (The Way To Ruin Your Relationship With Yourself)
Having accepted the futility, look for the ways you can move forward and the options you do have. You have to do something new. Resisting a futile situation puts you in a rut in life. Depression is all about focusing on what you can’t change and refusing to accept you can’t change it so as to focus on something else or do something else. Ask yourself, “If I accepted that what I want is never (and I mean never) going to happen, what would I do then or instead? It’s the thing where if you stop focusing on the door that is closed, you might see a window that is open. It may be hard to believe that your needs or desires can be fulfilled in any other scenario or even that any other option exists. For this reason, you might benefit by watching my videos titled: The Zebra and the Watering Hole and How To Meet Your Unmet Needs. Do something new even if you are simply doing it just to get out of your rut. The more drastically new, the better. The darkness you feel is the symptom of being disconnected from parts of yourself, and from what you really want in life.
You must develop safe relationships. Depression is about relationship dysfunction that makes you powerless to create the life you want. Most specifically powerlessness and un-safety when no one will be an ally to the creating of the life you desire and need. This means, you need to go to places where people see, hear, feel and understand you. You need to heal the trauma of no one choosing to align with you so as to participate in what you want to create with them. But to do this, you can’t keep trying to get people who have no interest in doing this, to do this. For this reason, one of the most important videos you will ever watch is my video titled: How To Create A Safe Relationship. Also, depression is an intensely isolating and lonely experience. Being a situation that is in fact set up by the relationships in your life and one that is resolved by creating safe relationships, I encourage you to read my book titled: The Anatomy of Loneliness, which clearly outlines what causes this sense of loneliness as well as how to go from loneliness to a sense of connection.
The more little things you do to make yourself feel like you have more power and control over creating the life you want, the better. If you are suffering from depression, understandably, you are super disempowered. On top of creating safe relationships, where people do cooperate in creating a life that feels good to you, you need to do lots of things in life, which don’t depend on other people to make you feel more empowered. Most of the suggestions people make about solutions to depression fit well into this category. Some examples might be deliberately eating foods that make you specifically feel good (especially mood boosting foods), spending time with animals, getting a massage or other form of touch, exercising, getting enough sleep, setting attainable and achievable goals and scratching them off the list when they are accomplished, taking on responsibilities which enable you to see your positive contribution, visiting and making new friends (this prevents you from isolating), taking control of your focus through positive focus or gratitude exercises or working with your core beliefs, sitting out in the sun, meditation, creating a routine, setting things in your schedule each day that you can look forward to even if it is as simple as watching a comedy show, picking up a new hobby, changing up things such as home décor or what room you sleep in or where you habitually go to eat etc.
If someone in your life is struggling with depression, do not treat them like you are afraid of them. There is nothing to be afraid of. Depression is not contagious and people need your presence, not for you to solve a problem you don’t know how to solve. Also, there is nothing shameful about depression and this includes resisting futility. You know how desperate it feels to not be able to create something you want to create. It feels like accepting that the person you love more than anything else has died and never knowing if you will ever get love again. So it is a great deal more complicated than simply deciding with your free will to stop resisting and accept that futility and do different things that are empowering instead. It is a great deal more complicated than just deciding to jump out of a hole or be more positive.
No one chooses to feel depressed any more than they consciously choose to resist something that is futile. This is a person that feels despair and desperation about a situation that is futile. And in their situation, anyone would feel that way. Lovingly help them to really focus on and face the pain they feel, don’t try to get them out of that darkness. Its better to hold their hand and dive consciously into it. My personal request to you is to become less afraid of other people’s suffering. Become less afraid of the way that watching other people suffer, makes you feel. All too often people abandon other people because of running away from feeling the feelings that seeing other people suffer, stirs in themselves.
If you are struggling with depression, it is my promise to you that the feeling of wanting to be alive and feeling inspired and energized is on the other side of realizing that you do have the power to create what you want in life. You can create your desires and fulfill your needs. And there are people in the world that want to participate in that process as an ally instead of an antagonist. But all of that is on the other side of no longer focusing on the absence of what you want. It is on the other side of accepting and facing and resolving your futility, instead of being unconscious of it and therefore subconsciously resisting it.
We all want to be seen. A big thing that we want seen is our excellence. We want people to see the positive in us, such as what we are good at, our positive traits and what makes us stand out above the rest. But all too often, people do not see our excellence. And we end up totally twisted up into confusion and desperate to make other people see us. But all of this is done in vain and today, I’m going to tell you why.
I’m going to tell you something that has the potential to change your entire life. Here it is: The recognition of excellence is 100% dependent upon desire. This may seem like a small statement. But if you really get it, then you will understand why some people do see your excellence and why other people don’t. You will also see that you can’t get them to see your excellence no matter how hard you try because you can’t change what they want. This can be one of the most freeing realizations. Because if they don’t see your excellence, you have to stop trying to get them to and instead focus on the people who will see it specifically because they want whatever you are excellent at.
To illustrate this truth, I’m going to introduce you to a specific form of trauma that some people on earth suffer from. The most common thing that happens if a child is responded to as if they always have to improve something about themselves or whatever they are doing, is that this child grows into an adult that feels like they are not good enough. This person will most likely end up with no self-esteem and putting themselves down or boasting to cover up low self esteem. But this is still a more empowered position because if it is clear that you aren’t good enough, you can always get better. There is always something that can be done to improve and therefore hope of one day being acknowledged for their excellence. This is not the kind of trauma that the demographic of people I’m talking about suffer from.
There is another kind of child; this child is naturally talented at one or several things. In this situation, it is not a matter of boasting, it is clear that this child is excellent, if not the very best at something. But the reaction they get does not reflect and match that. It becomes a gaslight. For example, a little 8 year old girl is in a gymnastics class and is able to do a double backflip in front of the class. When she does this, the coach says ‘good job’ and invites the next girl onto the floor. This little girl, who is also 8 years old, does a cartwheel, and the class as well as coach erupts into clapping and praise. The girl who is clearly excellent and clearly the best cannot believe she is not good enough because it is clear that is not reality. It isn’t possible to gaslight herself in this scenario. The reality is that she is the best in the class and she is excellent and so that can mean only one thing… That they don’t actually see her, which makes her feel like she is living life behind a pane of glass and no one can see in. She begins to believe that if she could just make them see her, she would receive the acknowledgement and recognition that makes sense for reality. The trauma here is that life is a gaslight, where the people who are obviously, not boastingly much more excellent are getting no recognition of excellence. This is the most powerless position. It is more powerless than feeling never good enough, because there is no way to improve. If you are already obviously the best and not getting any acknowledgement that this is the case, there literally is nothing you can do to get it.
What this little girl cannot see is the actual desires that the classmates and coach of this particular class have. Most adults (this includes many coaches who work with young kids) want kids to be cute. It isn’t cute for a kid to perform so high above their age. It is unsettling in fact. And what do kids want? They want connection with kids they can play with. For this, they have to feel good about themselves. They do not feel good about themselves next to a kid who is so good at something that they are both hard to relate to and hard to maintain self esteem around. They feel a greater sense of connection cheering someone on who is at their same level or below it. Neither the coach nor the classmates in this scenario want one of the students to be a prodigy. This means that they will not acknowledge the excellence of this prodigy. Instead they will recognize the excellence of someone who aligns with what they want.
It is tempting to assume that people have specific desires, especially if they are in a specific setting. But this is not the case at all. Think about it. We assume what someone wants is to get better if they walk into a doctor’s office, but lots of people simply walk through the door of a doctor’s office for different reasons than wanting to get better.
Your assumption that people who are into self help and spiritual awakening are wanting to see reality, makes it impossible for you to understand why some people recognize my excellence immediately and some people do not. If you sum up what it is that I am the most excellent at, it is showing you reality. I function as an embodied mirror. For this reason, I am more like an embodied form of a shamanic medicine. And what do we know about reality? Often it really, really sucks to look at. This means, for most people, I am uncomfortable.
I need you to see reality for a moment. If I gathered up all the people on the planet earth today and took that collective consciousness and extracted the #1 human desire, it would be COMFORT. Most people want to feel comfort. And so, they do not want what I am excellent at. And so they do not recognize my excellence. If you consider yourself someone who does recognize my excellence and therefore does want reality, look at what had to happen for comfort to no longer work for you. We all like comfort but many times, seeking comfort pulls you in the opposite direction of facing reality and facing yourself. This is also why the very field, which I am supposed to belong to (the field of spirituality, self-help and personal healing) is the place where my excellence is recognized the very least.
Of the people in the world, the people most seeking comfort are those who gravitate to the world of spirituality, self help and personal healing. It is also why, if you haven’t noticed, I have no specific demographic. People who want to see reality and want the truth no matter what that truth feels like, could come from any walk of life. They could be that Caucasian multibillionaire business man looking for a new perspective on life, this single African American mother living in the projects, that doctor, this chronically ill person who has been failed by modern medicine, that emotionally neglected wealthy housewife, this homeless man, that random catholic nun, this random Buddhist monk, that 15 year old trying to figure out life, this gay man, that stripper in Las Vegas, this person sitting in prison etc. I am a teacher of the people, because my excellence is showing you reality. The people, who do not recognize this excellence, do not want that.
The recognition of excellence often doesn’t happen because our parents wanted something different in the child of their choice than what we were naturally excellent at. This is why our sibling that could adapt to become whatever they wanted, was the one who was loved the most. For example, a boy who is excellent at athletics in a home where the parents want their child to be intellectually excellent will not be acknowledged or loved for that excellence. A child who is a natural problem solver will be shamed for their excellence in a home where the family agreement is “validate one another”. The child who is excellent for being smart enough to see reality in a family where there is a family overlay, will be told he or she is too difficult and will be turned into the family scapegoat.
Everything works this way. We only recognize the value of things according to our needs and the excellence of something according to our desires. This applies to everything, not just the recognition of our personal excellence. For example, in a time of war, money suddenly has no value. Alcohol does, because that is what people need. If a person wants a car and you give them a horse, they will not recognize the horse as excellent, they do not want a horse. A friend will not recognize the successes of their friend if what they want primarily is to feel equal or better in the friendship in terms of social status. A mother will not recognize the personal excellence of her child if that excellence is different to her own if what she wants is a mini-me. A person cannot recognize the excellence of the best athletes in the world in any sport if they have never wanted to excel at that sport or wanted to learn about that sport enough to really care about the sport.
Excellence can be developed, but it is inborn. It is in you, like a pearl inside a clamshell. No person is born without this pearl. The universe does not benefit by redundancy. It is always interested in unique and non-redundant excellence. If you were created as a separate being (which you were) it is because you are an embodiment of a very specific form of excellence. But we often do not see this excellence. We do not see what we are truly excellent at. And if we did see it, we are likely to feel bad about what we are excellent at, instead of feel good about it. This happens for two primary reasons. 1. If we are naturally excellent at something, it takes us no real effort to do, so we don’t see it as anything special. And 2. If we have no awareness of what we are naturally good at, we most likely got no reflection for it or negative reflection for it because we were conditioned to believe it was unimportant, unwanted, bad or wrong by our parents and/or family and/or school and/or society who wanted something different.
When we do not see our own excellence, we look to compete with others to be better than they are at what they are good at. Instead of experiencing the joy of effortlessly offering what is second nature to us and feeling the self esteem inherent in this, we gravitate toward jobs and people and places where we have to try hard and gain self esteem out of our hard work. We do not feel the fulfillment of walking in alignment with our unique purpose, which entails gifting the world with the gift we were imbued with upon our birth. We also do not gravitate towards the people, places and jobs where people really want what we genuinely have to offer. So we feel consistently undervalued.
Excellence and purpose are intertwined. They are also inborn. It does not change over the course of your life, it only enfolds, grows or changes its expression. People tend to think of purpose in terms of a career, but that is super limiting and also one-dimensional. It also prohibits you from creating new positions to fill within the universe instead of fitting into a box. For example, a person’s excellence might be commitment or organization or problem solving or efficiency or athletics or achievement. This could filter itself into many different expressions. And it should be filtered according to what expression feels the very best to the person. For example, a person whose purpose is organization might turn into a world expert home organizer or a secretary or a construction superintendent. And what feels best to a person will feel like fun. The reason that fun is so different from person to person is that a person has different intrinsic motivation. They have different intrinsic motivation because they are a different part of the makeup of the engine of the universe and therefore have different excellence and different purpose.
The thing about excellence and purpose is that you always know what it is down deep. It is not that you can’t find your purpose or excellence. It is that it is always there, staring you in the face, and you are in total denial of it. You are rejecting and disowning it even. When you disown your purpose, you feel it is lost to you and at the same time, because it doesn’t “go away” you also feel like it is going to force you against your free will to do what it wants, despite the consequences of doing so. You are already programmed to hate your own actual excellence or at the very least to see it as nothing to be celebrated and not of much value. For this reason, the first thing to ask yourself, is: What bad thing might happen or negative consequence might occur if I knew my excellence and purpose and could no longer escape or avoid it? Really take time to answer this question. Most people are living inauthentic lives so it’s valid to fear that finding your purpose might blow up the structure of the life you already built.
To get closer to your excellence, think back to your childhood. Spend time meditating on two questions. 1. What did you naturally and intrinsically do just for the doing of it? If you are worried your answer might not reflect something you liked doing for the sake of dong it, rather than for the sake of the way you were praised for doing it, imagine that you had no audience at all. Imagine that you received NO positive feedback for it at all. Would you still love doing it? And 2. What were you naturally doing all the time that you either got no recognition for, or that you couldn’t seem to stop doing no matter how much you were given negative feedback for it?
We are willing to preserve our social connections and defend the idea that they are actual connections (when they are not) at the risk of anything, including denying our actual excellence and purpose. And no one can force you. Your purpose cannot force you to align with it against your free will. And this is a funny idea anyway because if you just kept going in the direction of what felt good and facing and resolving any resistance when it came up, you would chose your purpose with your free will because that is the only thing that would feel good to you.
You love to tell yourself that your parents pulled you sideways of your actual purpose and excellence because they knew what was good for you. But they didn’t. They knew what was good for them. They knew what they desired. And when you were born as something different than that, they tried to turn you into what they wanted without realizing that this universe always pairs parents with children who are a match to their actual desires. The reason they can’t see this is… ‘Be careful what you wish for’. If a person wants happiness and is unhappy because of a coping mechanism they have, they will be given a child who demolishes their capacity to cope in that way. They will think when this is occurring that this child is not what they want.
Another good way to get close to your excellence is to think about what you think other people are really bad at, but that you can’t understand why they are bad at. This always points to inborn excellence. A person, who is incredible at something innately, does not relate to others being bad at the thing they are excellent at because it is their nature. You can also ask other people what they think you are excellent at. Pay special attention to the things they say that make you cringe. Question why you don’t want it to be true that you are excellent at those things. What did you make it mean if you were good at that thing? Can you challenge that meaning?
The reality is that you will choose your social group, most especially your family, over your purpose and inborn excellence and essence and nature. But this means you don’t really have a social group and you do not belong. It means you are not wanted by them. It means they do not see how you are in alignment with their desires. And the biggest gaslight of all is when people say ‘I love you and I want you” while trying to change who you are into what they want you to be. We fall for that gas light all the time to the detriment of our own universal calling and physical lives. The parts of us that continue to stay in false connection need to see that reality.
You will only get belonging in places and with people that actually recognize your excellence because they actually want what you are excellent at. Your abundance will also only come as a result of doing this. On earth, value is exchanged for value. If someone sees something of value and excellence that you are offering, because they want what you are offering, they will give you something of value for it in return. Your best bet if people do not see your excellence is to show people how what you offer in terms of excellence and purpose is in alignment with their desires. But if they will not see it, you cannot make them and you cannot make someone un-want what they want.
Gravitate to the people places and situations where your excellence is recognized. And as a society, we need to learn to develop the capacity to recognize excellence beyond the super self centered confines of our own desires, so we can recognize the need for and excellence of every role. If we can do this, we can then direct those things of excellence to the people, places and things that want them most. I cannot tell you how much the complexity of human society and the human ego has reduced the expansion and efficiency of human society by not recognizing excellence and putting that excellence where it belongs and is wanted most, instead of trying to get things that do not fit into their personal desire, to change what they are.
I am ending this article by asking you to ask yourself these two questions. 1. In any scenario where you feel your excellence is not being seen, ask yourself, what do they really desire that is making it impossible for them to recognize my excellence? 2. If I knew that the recognition of excellence was 100% dependent upon desire, how does that make my life look different retrospectively and how would that alter the way I live my life now?
If you fill a room with men and women and you ask the group “Have you ever feared for your life?” What happens is that a few men raise their hands. Each man that raises his hand has a story about a single incident such as an accident as a child or a fight they were in or a dangerous situation when they were traveling in college. What also happens is that every single woman raises their hand. If you ask “how many of you feared for your life in the last year?” Every male hand goes down. But every one of the women will keep their hands raised. If you ask how many of you feared for your life in the last month, again, the women keep their hands up. If you ask how many of you feared for your life in the last week, again the women keep their hands up. And this usually shocks the men to see. The fact that men are shocked to see this lays the stage for what men fundamentally do not get about women and what would change if they did.
Fear is something that everyone experiences. But fear plays a different role in the lives of men and women. For a woman, fear is woven into her biology. It is the baseline experience of her life whether she is consciously aware of it or not. It is something she lives with, like a prey animal, day in and day out. And when women have people that they care about (like a partner and like children) this fear simply grows. The experience of simply crossing a parking lot is an entirely different physiological experience for women. If you ever feel like it, studying the scientific differences in fear response between men and woman is very, very telling. For example, high stress situations cause men to feel less afraid. They do not perceive themselves to be powerless and thus tend to default to anger or proactive action. High stress situations tend to cause women to feel more afraid. They tend to perceive themselves to be powerless and thus feel intense fear and to not be able to do anything about it.
Besides basic biology and thousands of years of experience going into that biology, this world is not safe for women. All you have to do to get this is to look at is the statistics. Most men simply cannot relate to this perception of unsafety. Because they cannot relate to this and do not even know this is the perceptual experience for women, they do not understand how to behave around women and by not seeing this, make lots of mistakes. They do not understand that this baseline experience of fear that women live with every day is the single biggest determining factor for what women really want in relationships.
The most important thing to a woman in a relationship is trustworthiness. Trustworthiness is their ultimate definition of safety. It is their insurance policy against fear. Women want to be protected by a man. Safety is the single biggest motivator for women to be in a relationship with a man. But to be safe in a relationship and protected by a man, means first and foremost that he, himself is safe. To trust someone is to feel as if you can rely on them to capitalize on your best interests. When someone is trust worthy, it means they are a person who will capitalize on your best interests. But to do that, a person needs to know what is actually in your best interests. For this reason, the single most important thing for a man to develop is attunement.
Attunement is being or bringing into harmony. A feeling of being “at one” with something. The best way to imagine attunement is to imagine sitting in your car and reaching out for the radio dial. If you want to hear the music being played at a specific frequency, like 98.2 FM, you need to tune your radio dial to 98.2 FM. And then you will hear the music. Your own radio dial needs to be brought into harmony with or become one with the radio channel you want to receive in order to perceive that radio channel.
It’s no different with other beings, including people. To be able to perceive other people and to feel and see and hear them and understand them and communicate with them, you need to attune to them. You need to tune into them as if you are them, so as to be able to feel or imagine the other person’s emotional experience and to understand what they are feeling. This is what allows you to know what to say to someone and do in any given situation with someone.
Unless you are attuned to a woman, you will have no idea what her best interests actually are. You may think you do, but you don’t. You have to see, hear, feel and understand her. This is what makes you safe to a woman. For this reason, if you really want to have a relationship with a woman, the single most important thing you will ever learn how to do is the art of attunement and to commit yourself completely to being trustworthy. For this reason, I suggest that you watch two of my videos. The first is: Trust (What Is Trust And How To Build Trust In Relationships). The Second is: Attunement (The Key To a Good Relationship).
If a man was attuned enough to know that a woman lives in a state of fear both emotionally and physically, a man would behave differently around her. His priority would shift to helping her feel safe, including helping her to feel safe with him.
Men, not having this same experience of fear that women have, often minimize women’s emotions, dismiss them, distract her from them, invalidate them and worse, make women feel that they are crazy or that something is wrong with them. In other words men behave as if women shouldn’t feel that way, because they don’t feel that way. By behaving this way, you signal to a woman that you are unsafe. You increase her fear by signaling to her that you do not see, hear, feel and understand her. That you will not be there for her, that you do not value her wellbeing, that you will not take care of her or protect her, and that you can be relied upon to make her feel worse about herself.
This dynamic of men not making the woman’s feeling of safety the most important focus has profound implication because one of the most common complaints that men have in relationship counseling is not enough sex. This isn’t because men are assholes that only care about sex. This is primarily because men tend to experience the need for sex in order to feel emotionally connected to a woman. Nothing prevents a woman from being able to be sexually aroused like fear. For a woman to be aroused she must feel safe enough with you to be vulnerable and she needs to feel emotionally connected to you to do that. In this way, woman and men are reversed. Attuning to her so as to act in a way that tells her that you are trustworthy is what accomplishes that emotional connection.
Women can bulldoze themselves. They can act sexually aroused and have sex with you and fake orgasms, but they cannot be truly sexually aroused unless they feel safe. Even the couples that are into BDSM relationships must create a feeling of safety for the woman in order for her to be genuinely aroused. In fact that feeling of positive ownership inherent in an in alignment BDSM relationship must provide so much safety that the woman can feel safe with the man, even when he is tying her up or blind folding her for example. For this reason, I suggest you watch my video titled: Own People! (How To Take Ownership of Your Relationships).
It is important to note that if you are not emotionally available for a woman, not only does this make you not trustworthy; it means she will feel alone in the relationship. Remember that alone = unsafe and in pain. It is inevitable when this is the case that the relationship will end.
It is not in fashion in a world that sees fear as weakness and that shames you for feeling fear, for a woman to admit that she lives in a state of fear for her physical safety and wellbeing as well as emotional safety and wellbeing nearly constantly. We are praised if we play the tough girl. We are praised if we say we don’t feel fear. We are praised if we say we don’t need a man. A strong woman is seen to be a woman who does not exhibit fear. But as a result, men have no idea what is going on with us. They don’t get what women needs because it isn’t societally acceptable since the women fought to get rights and to be considered equal to men for women to tell men what is going on with them, which is fear. Women need to see that they are brave, they are brave because bravery implies fear and that is something women live with as a baseline of their life experience.
As a man, you must really accept this reality of fear in a woman’s life experience. Even if a woman does not act demonstratively afraid, she will respond to you behaving in a way that ensures her that you will dedicate yourself to her feeling safe, especially with you. Ask yourself this question: If I knew that this woman was truly afraid in this situation, what would I say and do differently? There is nothing sexier and more desired in the world to a woman than a man who is always looking for little ways to ensure her of her safety and wellbeing and to enhance it.
In our world today, need is a dirty word. People love to deny, suppress and disown their needs as if that somehow makes them a better person. We are addicted to independence. But here’s the problem: No matter how much you may want it to be different, you have needs. Every being on earth has needs. A need is something that is required in order to live, succeed or be happy. And you cannot un-require something that is required. You cannot argue your way into seeing that it isn’t necessary. You have one option when it comes to your needs and that is to meet them. There are many needs we love to deny. But today I’m going to talk to you about one of them. It is the need for touch.
People are preoccupied and obsessed with the idea of overriding their biology. If you look around the world today, our modern society is an example of this. Religion looks to suppress all instinctive energies within us like sexuality, hunger, and desire. Our modern society has made it so that we are mentally and emotionally ready to have babies at age 30 to 40, when our bodies are in fact on the downswing of fertility at that age. We have become, as a society, obsessed with finding a way to be immortal. We want to transcend all that makes us human. But when it comes to connection, we find ourselves in real trouble when we try to override our biology.
We might like to think that we can physically exist without each other, but we can’t. Healthy autonomy cannot arise in a person who has no sense of safety or adequacy, which for a physical human is provided through the person’s learned sense of security of connection. For a physical human, the chemical cocktail that our body releases in response to touch and contact comfort connection is the exact opposite of the chemical cocktail that is released in response to fear and shame. And so we need to accept that connection is our antidote. The sooner we can accept this reality about ourselves, the better. We are a social species. And more than that, we are a social species that needs contact comfort. Yes, I am talking about human touch.
I’ve never forgotten about a series of experiments that were done by a man named Harry Harlow in the 1950s. He was seeking to understand the human need for love, and the critical role that it plays in both primate and human development, so he separated a group of baby rhesus monkeys from their mothers when they were born.
The baby monkeys were each caged alone in the lab and allowed no physical contact with the personnel in the lab or with each other even though they could see the other monkeys and personnel. They immediately began exhibiting signs of distress. They clutched themselves, began rocking, staring into space as if dissociating, biting themselves, and biting their cages. They did not play or groom themselves and they seemed vacillate between anxiety and depression.
The babies were then assigned to one of two fake surrogate mothers. One was a model made of chicken wire that was covered in soft terrycloth. It was made to look roughly like a monkey. This surrogate did not provide any food. The other surrogate mother was also made of chicken wire, but no terrycloth. It had a crocodile looking head and provided milk from an attached baby bottle.
To say that the babies favored the mother covered in terrycloth is an understatement. The comfort these babies received through touch contact was incomparably more important to them than even their physical hunger. They needed connection more than they needed nourishment. This is also the case for people, not just monkeys. If our need for nourishment was stronger than our need for connection with one another, we would not meet people who can’t eat or sleep when they experience a painful break-up with someone they loved.
There is another unforgettable research study that I learned about in my university courses. It was a study done in the United States in the 1940s and was conducted on 40 newborn infants. I clearly remember that the objective was to determine whether individuals could thrive on basic physiological needs alone, without physical affection.
Twenty of the newborn infants were housed in a special facility where caregivers would enter the facility to feed them, bathe them, and change their diapers, but they would do nothing else. The caregivers had been instructed not to look at or touch the babies more than what was necessary and never communicate with them. All their physical needs were attended to scrupulously and the environment was kept sterile so as to prevent any of the babies from becoming ill.
The experiment was stopped after four months because by that time, at least half of the babies had died. More babies subsequently died even after being rescued and brought into natural familial environment. There was no physiological cause found for the deaths of these babies. They were all physically very healthy.
I specifically remember that one of the most disturbing facts was that before each baby died, there was a period of time where they would stop verbalizing and stop trying to engage with their caregivers. They would stop moving, stop crying, and stop changing their expression and death would follow shortly after. It was as if the babies had given up living before they died. This was the case even for the babies who died after being removed from the experimental conditions.
In today’s world, we are obsessed with technology. It’s hard to go anywhere and find people who are genuinely engaged with one another. Most people are fully engaged instead with a technological device. Their noses are buried in their computers or cell phones. And while social media has provided incredible opportunities to be connected with each other around the world, no matter where we are, social media only provides connection up to a degree. Physical connection cannot be replaced and its importance can’t be underestimated. We can’t get physical contact through a screen or from a distance. We need touch. We need vicinity. We need the comfort of being in physical contact with one another. And we must consider this when we are developing connections in our life.
The reality is that as humans, we need touch. Even the people, who are the most afraid of and hurt by human connection, need it. This is why the loneliest and most deeply hurt people experience so much torment. If we didn’t absolutely need touch and we were hurt by people, we would simply go on our merry way and never touch other people again. But we can’t. Instead, if we’ve been hurt by others, we spend our life in a torturous tug of war between the side of us that needs other people and the side that wants to be able to have nothing to do with them.
It is obvious that there are many ways we can be physically injured when it comes to touch and that this sets up a poor relationship to touch in general. But by far the majority of the pain we experience as people around touch is because of the emotional meaning we add to touch. People cannot stop adding meaning to touch and so touch is not touch for the sake of touch in our world. Instead touch is a tool. This meaning we add to touch destroys the purity of touch and makes it rather unsafe to touch each other.
For example, if your parent made you serve them and/or honor them through physical touch and there were consequences for not doing so, physical touch now means subservience and slavery and is no longer an organic expression of love. Touch is often used as a tool for manipulation and so when you touch someone, it may mean to him or her that you want something from them. If touch only ever meant that someone wanted sex, then touch will be interpreted solely as an emotional communicator that the person wants to have sex with you.
Meaning is added to touch and also the different types of touch in every race, culture, religion, society and family. For example, in American culture, if a guy slaps another guys butt in sports, it means encouragement. If a guy slaps another guys butt outside sports, it means he is gay. In Scandinavian cultures, you can’t touch a person of the opposite sex without it meaning that you want to be with them sexually or romantically. In Brazil, you can expect to be hugged and kissed by everyone even if you are a stranger. There is no physical bubble. It doesn’t mean anything other than friendliness and welcome.
Even in one culture, the way a touch is given changes the entire meaning. A softer handshake for example can mean a warm greeting whereas a firm handshake can mean ‘take me seriously’. There are differences in the societal acceptance around boys touching and girls touching. The powerless thing is that we can’t control the meaning that other people add to us touching them. And we add meaning that makes it not easy to just receive touch ourselves. Because of the complexity of the language of touch, touch seems so complicated; most of us end up in pain about it. We all end up touch deprived.
Humans need SO much more touch than they are getting across the world. In fact, purely biologically speaking, there is no single person who could provide enough touch for another person. Imagine a baby. When the baby is born, everyone who comes into contact with that baby, caresses the baby. The child in this healthy environment can run up and get a hug from mom one minute and the next sit on dads lap and the next, sit down and have their arm lightly stroked by grandma and the next, run hand in hand with their friend. In a healthy world, this would be how adults could live with each other in community as well. Obviously there are healthier cultures, communities and individuals than others in this respect.
If touch has been something that has led to pain for us, we need to work touch back into our lives slowly and with someone that we trust. Somatic therapy is one example of something we may need to do first before we can let people in our social circle provide touch for us in our day-to-day lives. It is to be expected that we would need to be rehabilitated if unloving touch was part of our wounding, as is so typical with abuse. But we do need this rehabilitation if we want to live lives where we genuinely feel connected to other people, at peace with the world and emotionally satiated.
When we are trying to satiate the need for touch, we need to stop suppressing this need within ourselves. We need to begin to look at touch as something that we do for touch sake. For example, we love petting a dog or cat for the sake of the pleasure of that touch in and of itself. It is a pure form of touch because it nourishes both the one touching and the one being touched. This is why it feels so safe for many of us to caress and be physically affectionate to an animal, but not a person. The communication is clear.
See, sense or feel that your body needs touch. Your skin and muscles and organs are starving for it. You are also starving for that form of communication emotionally. Some examples of nourishing types of touch are: Sitting with someone so we can feel their body against ours, holding, patting, gripping, rubbing, hugging, holding hands, gentle and comforting stroking, tickling, cuddling, massage, squeezing, pulling, forehead against forehead and kisses to name a few.
When we want touch from someone or initiate touch with someone, we can keep ourselves safe by getting very clear on the meaning of the touch before we do it and communicating with the other person about it. Essentially we must aim to take the room for interpretation out of it. Touch is one of the most powerful forms of primal emotional communication. We need that communication; the emotional message being conveyed through touch. But we also need touch in and of itself separate from a communication tool.
For the sake of your awareness, really ask yourself what meaning you specifically add to the different forms of touch. Where did you learn that meaning from? How does the meaning you add to touch differ from the meaning other people add to touch? Take a day and on that day, just watch people and how they touch. Take note of every time they touch and the meaning or communication being conveyed by that touch. Make a study of this form of communication.
Whenever you are experiencing touch or giving touch, ask yourself: What does this touch emotionally mean and what do I want it to mean? In this way, we make sure we are on the same page. It may seem less organic this way, but it is a necessary part of the rehabilitation. This makes touch safe to give and receive. And when you find yourself in a partnership, you will have to communicate about the meaning of touch as well in order to be on the same page so that touching other people outside the partnership is done in ways that makes both people feel satiated but also safe. Touch is something that creates jealousy in relationships faster than almost anything else.
As long as we are physical, there will not be a day when we don’t need touch from each other. Our sense of well-being is dependent upon us meeting this need for one another. We need to find opportunities for contact comfort and then we need to allow these experiences into our life. And we need to accept that it’s futile to fight against this aspect of our biology. If we can separate out the meaning of touch from the touch itself so as to clearly agree upon it and begin to touch each other for the sake of touch itself, we will create a healthier and more emotionally secure world to live in.