Hardly any subject arouses more confusion, shame and controversy than sex. This creates a bit of a predicament when people want to engage in healthy sexuality because no one seems to agree on what that is. Healthy sexuality is a subjective topic and people’s opinions on the subject are completely influenced by familial, religious and societal programming that have for the most part gone un-questioned. So what is healthy sexuality and how does one go about practicing it?
Before we go any further, it must be established that there is a big difference between healthy and healing. Healthy implies that a person is completely healed. As it applies to sex this means that they are having sex in a way that is a direct reflection of their highest potential and completely integrated self. If we want to practice healthy sexuality, we have to actually let go of the idea of healthy. The reason we have to let go of it is because we are skipping the steps necessary to even get to healthy sexuality by doing this. Also, we will not find out what true healthy sexuality is for us specifically if we approach it from the outside in instead of the inside out.
The outside in approach is to decide what healthy sexuality objectively looks like and then hold ourselves up to that standard bar. The inside out approach is to keep finding alignment relative to what type of sex is healing and to allow that to change as you heal so as to arrive at the sex that is a reflection of your highest potential and integrated self. This approach is like taking a journey to arrive at a destination that is unknown rather than to aim at a particular destination. We need to commit to healing sexuality. Not healthy sexuality.
On an energetic and spiritual level, during healing sex, the flow of energy is sped up within the body. The body opens up to a state of receptivity, whereby the meridians and chakras of the body are receiving an unrestricted flow of energy. Alignment is occurring between the vibration of your physical perspective and your non-physical perspective. And thus you experience a blending between the physical aspects of you and the non-physical aspects of you.
Life on earth, creation itself, is the byproduct of sexual energy. Sexual energy and conception/creation go hand in hand. And so you can see that sex and orgasm has an element of extreme creative force to it. The question is what are you conceiving or creating? What does this mean for those of you who are practicing the art of manifestation? It means that sexual focus is one of the most powerful tools for manifestation that you can possibly imagine. To understand more about this, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Use An Orgasm To Manifest. What you focus on, especially on a feeling based level, is what you are trying to conceive and manifest into your reality.
In the minute of orgasm the accumulated energy that is building up is released. That powerful burst of energy is released towards what you desire to create with the subconscious intention of manifesting it into reality. Even the most unconscious people walking the planet today instinctually feel that link between sex and creation/manifestation. Even the most unconscious people walking the planet today also feel the undeniable link between DESIRE and sex.
But the reality is that most people walking the planet are unconscious of their genuine desires. Most people feel the desire for a person or a thing, but do not understand why they feel the strong desire for that thing. This is why we struggle and fail to understand what is really going on at a fundamental level with sexual fetishes. The secret behind all sexual fetishes is that behind each one of them is something that we want to experience (usually an emotional state) that we feel utterly deprived of and desperate to experience. But that we believe we cannot have or create directly. People’s fetishes suggest what they need in order to heal. They suggest what is healing for someone.
Healing happens in a progression. It is easy to say that a person who is angry is not in a state of perfect health. They are not all the way to a state of joy for example. But if someone is feeling totally powerless, to get angry is a super important part of their healing. They will not become healthy without that.
Let’s look at the dynamic present with domination sex. With domination sex, what one person actually needs in order to heal because they have felt powerless is to be able to be in the controlling, power position during the sexual interaction. What the other person who is consensually being dominated needs in order to heal, because they have felt like they had to take the constant pressure of responsibility, is to be able to let go of control and responsibility of choice during the sexual interaction. If they engage in this sexual dynamic, it is healing for both parties. They get to experience something they need to experience in order to heal.
Obviously, the ego is the thing that is concerned with power over another person. Therefore, from objective spiritual perspective, it is not a state of perfect health to make sex about power over another person rather than about pure connection. But it is critical for that person to experience that in order to heal. So lets look at what healing sexuality is all about:
Healing sexuality is just that, it is healing. To heal is to experience the opposite. To understand this completely, watch my video titled: What Is Healing. Healing sexuality brings us closer to integration rather than further from integration and that is going to be different for all people/couples. For one person it may be healing to engage in domination sex. For another, it may be the opposite of healing. So we need to really become aware of whether something is healing for us or detrimental for us specifically. To discover what is healing, we need to let go of our idea of what type of sex we “should” be having. These standards are about an idea of right and wrong. And our idea right and wrong so rarely comes from an authentic assessment of our own genuine alignment or lack thereof. Our idea of right and wrong comes from ideas other people imposed on us and those ideas were also usually imposed on them. Our sexuality needs to come from our unique authentic being.
Healing sexuality should be healing for both or all parties involved in the sexual interaction… Including our own internal parts. This means it should also be consensual. Many of the fetishes that don’t involve consensual sex are not about sex at all. For example, necrophilia is about being received where there is no possibility for rejection. For this person, health is not about having sex with a dead body, it is about finding people who can fully receive and not reject them. Pedophilia is about reconnecting with one’s innocence and essence… one’s own child self. For this person, health is not about having sex with a child. It is about finding ways to reconnect to their own innocence and essence. It is about re-owning their child self. Healing sex should not heal one part of ourselves while hurting another part of ourselves either. For example, sex without a condom could be healing to a part of us that wants even more intimacy. But the risk of pregnancy could be really damaging to another part. Safe and healthy sex regarding things like protection from STDs and Pregnancy is really about this item on the list.
We must accept that we are sexual beings. Sex is a part of life and sexuality involves FAR more than just sexual behavior or the act of sex itself. Healing sexuality means embracing and enjoying our sexuality throughout the course of our lives as an important part of our emotional, mental and physical health. So to heal our sexuality, we must face the aspects within us that resist and oppose sexuality as well as the traumas that created that resistance. We must become aware of whatever within us opposes sexuality and sex… The parts that do not have or associate pleasure with sex or intimacy with sex. Then, we must begin to dissolve that resistance. I present a technique for doing this in my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. We must also be open to the idea that one step on the path to sexual health might be for someone to choose with their free will not to engage in sex at all. This is often true for one phase of healing from childhood sex abuse.
We must accept that sexuality is not a contradiction to spirituality or morality or good-ness. The time has come to stop trying to use spirituality to escape from or transcend the physical. Sexuality is a part of physical life. We are looking to integrate physical with non-physical, not try to escape humanity through divinity. So developing our sexuality ought to be taken as part of our path of spiritual progression.
Experimentation. Sexual healing for most people doesn’t only involve integrating the parts of them that oppose sexuality; it also involves stretching one’s limited concepts about the possibilities regarding sex and sexuality. We need to experiment in a way that feels safe to us (in alignment with our best interests). We need to research and try new things as well as put energy into discovering what sexual pleasure is for us specifically. You don’t have to necessarily try every food available on the planet. But you can never really say what your favorite kind of food on the planet is if you only ever eat one type of food.
We need to be having sex with other people from a space of love. But hold on for a minute on this idea because most people have no idea what love actually is. To most people, love automatically means that sex has to look a certain way, like it does in the Hallmark movies. To love something is to take it as a part of yourself. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Is Love? If we are taking someone as part of ourselves, we take their best interests as part of our own best interests. Using the previous analogy, this means that if the best interest of one person is to be dominated because that is what is healing for them at this time, we can dominate them during sex. But if the best interest of one person is not to be dominated, because that is detrimental for them at this time, we cannot dominate them during sex. We must be attuned enough to feel and see and hear and understand the other person’s best interests instead of project our ideas of what their best interests should be onto them.
We have to allow our sexuality (and sex along with it) to evolve and mutate over the course of our relationships and lives. Sex will be different with one person than it is with another. Sex will be different when you first meet someone than it is on your ten-year wedding anniversary. Sexuality will be different when we are 2 or 3 in our first phase of gender association than it will be when we are 17. Sexuality will be different when we are 17 than it will be when we are 60. And if we commit to healing sexuality, our sexuality will mutate to become more and more in alignment with our highest potential as well as a more genuine expression of our truest selves. Our sexuality will become more and more integrated. Healing sexuality is a flowing and flexible process and practice, not a rigid one. Sexual energy is creative energy therefore sexuality and sex is a creative process.
We have to join the movement to make sex and sexuality no longer taboo. A big part of this is to talk and communicate about it. So much of unhealthy sexuality is because sex is considered taboo. So is nudity. Our consciousness is so split about sex. But this is hurting us all emotionally, mentally and physically. Sex sells, sex is everywhere and people are sex obsessed. Sex is also a natural part of our being. At the same time, we are being told that sex is shameful and dangerous and sinful. Talk about a mixed message. It’s a total double bind. Sex and sexuality should not be taboo. Neither should our naked bodies. This taboo nature of sex leads to suppression and suppression leads unconsciousness. Unconscious sex is the real thing causing sexual damage on the planet today. You cannot suppress energy. It will build up until the energy has to go somewhere. But if that energy comes up in an unconscious way, it will lead to pain.
The fact that we don’t talk about sex and sexuality openly, and in a conscious way is the very reason why we are all so confused about it and why our sexuality often expresses itself in such damaging ways. Part of this means that as parents and educators, we need to be talking about it with our children so they can grow up embracing instead of resisting sexuality as well as making the right sexual choices for themselves specifically.
Sexuality is a part of who you are. It is a partial life and an unhealthy one if you are spending your life resisting it. When it comes to sexual health, stop looking to live up to some external idea of what perfect sexual health looks like and instead, commit to sex that is healing.
Triangulation is one of the most common forms of social manipulation tactics. It happens in work environments all the time. It is the favorite tactic that haters use for their own devices. And the reality is that we have all engaged in this tactic at some time or other in our lives, some of us chronically. Triangulation occurs when instead of communicating directly to someone that we have a conflict with so as to create resolution, we go to another third person with the subconscious or even conscious desire to get them on our side, against the person we have the conflict with. We may use them as an in-between to relay information to the person we have the conflict with. But this is not the same as using an intermediary, because the subconscious intention in triangulation is to divide. We are using one person against the other. Subconsciously, we think our only way of maintaining our self-concept of being a good person, is to get other people to validate that we are the good one in the conflict. The way to do this is to get that person to have an issue with the person we have an issue with too.
We have decided that the best way to get someone to side with us against someone is to make ourselves look like the good guy and to make the other look like the bad guy. Even if we are the one who is in fact creating the problem in the first place, we will play the victim. Even more commonly simply not see that we are the one who is being the bad guy in a scenario, but is pointing at the other to save our self-concept. The one who looks like the victim is always seen as the good guy in human society and so people have come up with several strategies for looking like the victim, even when they are not. I went into this dynamic in depth in my videos titled: Triangle From Hell (The Victim, Villain, Hero dynamic) and The Victim Control Dynamic (Escaping Control Drama in Relationships). I highly suggest you watch those videos to gain full awareness of these patterns.
Most people have no idea that they are being triangulated and there is one glaring reason why. People who are skilled at triangulation as a means of manipulation will never make it obvious that they are trying to turn someone against someone else so as to get their own needs met. Instead, they will gaslight and lie and do and say anything that makes it look otherwise so as to never have their tactic, which is often highly subconscious, be seen. And the most common camouflage that they use is: Other people’s insecurities.
We are incredibly skilled when it comes to creating transactions so as to get our own needs met. To create transactions, we have to be able to sense exactly what people’s needs are. We feel if we can meet those needs, our own needs will be met in exchange. But here is where the ground is fertile for manipulation. When we have unmet needs, it means we have insecurities. For example, if someone needs desperately to be understood, that same person has insecurity about being misunderstood. Therefore, if we are going to triangulate well, we are going to play that person’s insecurities against the person we have a conflict with at the same time as giving them the impression that we are going to meet their unmet need. This is especially easy to do when people are lonely. When this is the case, all we have to do is to give the person we are subconsciously trying to triangulate the impression that they can have closeness with us through opposing the other person. It is to find unity through a common enemy. It is to use division with someone as a way to gain closeness with someone else.
The reason that a person being triangulated will hardly ever see that they are being triangulated is because the person who is triangulating is rarely ever going to create a new problem with the person they are triangulating people against. Instead, they will camouflage their intentions by using a wound or insecurity or unmet need that they can feel already exists between that person and the person they are triangulating against. They are in essence capitalizing on a crack that already exists to make it a grand canyon. This gets the person doing the triangulating the validation in their feeling of being a victim and the validation that their claims against the one being triangulated against are credible. But the person being triangulated isn’t aware of any of that, they simply feel that this crack existed before the conflict occurred between the triangulator and the one being triangulated against. So they don’t attribute the Grand Canyon to the triangulator at all. Instead they will own the triangulator’s conflict as their own conflict with the other person. They then become a defender. The small issue that they, themselves did not directly resolve with the person, now when fueled by the triangulator, becomes a forest fire. The one doing the triangulating has successfully managed to camouflage their own agenda, like a chameleon, in such a way that the person being turned against the person the triangulator has the conflict with, mistakes the agenda for their own.
Here is an example: We have person A, B and C. Person A has a conflict with person B. So, person A goes to person C about that conflict. Person A knows that person C feels insignificant to person B. Therefore, person A begins to complain about how insignificant person B makes him or her feel and suggests that person B really should value and prioritize person C more. Person A then proceeds to give person C the impression that they value them and will prioritize them. This fuels the pain between person B and person C. Person B will then act as a carrier of that conflict between person A and person C. Person B will be convinced the true victim is person A. Person B has been manipulated into identifying with person A. Person B will then defend person A and try to resolve the conflict for person A, when what they are really doing is standing up for themselves against person C but indirectly. Person A has successfully played person B against person C. And they can continue to do this over and over until they have accrued an army and divided everyone against the person they have the conflict with.
If someone grows up in a dysfunctional family, this kind of chess game will be so much a part of the social dynamics they learned in the household that this entire behavior will be totally subconscious and will feel normal to them. Chances are, they were triangulated against a parent or siblings and chances are that other people in the family were triangulated against them. They never learned that any other way of social interaction was possible when conflict arose.
If you want a good example of triangulation, watch Season 4, episode 1 of the TV show Law and Order Criminal Intent. This episode is titled: Semi Detached. But what should you do to avoid triangulation and to make sure you are not triangulated?
Figure out what you need then meet those needs and meet them directly. The first thing to understand about triangulation is that it is a manipulation and manipulation is all about needs. There is nothing malicious about manipulation even though it can destroy lives. Manipulation only occurs when a person feels they cannot get their needs met directly and so they must get them met indirectly. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Meet your Needs!
Deal with conflict when it is tiny and directly with the person we have that conflict with. Most of us hate conflict and so when it first occurs, we feel that little bit of resistance, but we don’t address it with the person when we are at a level 2 of discomfort. Instead, we suppress and give the other person the impression that we are fine. So the situation escalates until we are at a level 10. It is much easier to deal with a conflict when it is very small and it is much less scary too. The rupture is very easily repaired at that point. The more we repair those tiny ruptures in our sense of closeness, the more secure the relationship will feel. It will not be possible for someone to use our suppressed issues with someone as a way to triangulate us against them when we have already repaired them or are in a habit of repairing them because we will feel trust towards that person. We will also feel less inclined to get people to side with us so we feel capable of facing that conflict specifically because we have backup.
If we are being 2 faced, showing one face to the person we have a conflict with and another face behind their back, it is a red flag. We will most likely begin to triangulate people around them. Many of us are passive aggressive because we are afraid of conflict and feel intimidated by whomever we have the conflict with. But if we aren’t brave enough to deal with things head on and initiate dealing with them head on, we will begin to manipulate and by doing so, become a person we don’t want to be.
Try to figure out what someone actually needs and actually wants, both in general and what they want from you when they are coming to you regarding a conflict with someone else. What is their actual intent of telling you what they are telling you? Ask the person who is triangulating directly what they want out of telling you what they are telling you. Ask if if they are just venting or if they expect you to do something. Oftentimes you will be able to feel the truth of why, even if their words sound as if their intentions are good. If they are just venting, you should still encourage them to talk directly to the source. This questioning will help the person to think about what they are actually doing. If they want to be defended and sided with against someone, they should have to say that directly. There is a very different feel to a situation when a person is really coming to us to gain insight about how to resolve a situation and when a person is coming to us to relive anxiety and feel connected through division.
It is natural that in a conflict, we want support. It isn’t wrong to get it. The harm is done in what kind of support we want and whether we manipulate to get it. When you have a problem and run to someone else for support, you, like most people, want that person to agree that you were wronged. You also want that person to show you in some way that what the other person did was wrong so you can feel settled in terms of not being the one ‘in the wrong’ and therefore avoiding shame. This feels soothing and safe because when you do this, you are creating an alliance or a partnership with the person. An alliance that also makes you feel good about yourself. Regardless of whether you intended it or not, this creates a two people against one dynamic. This is very difficult to undo and you may be responsible for ruining several relationships all so you can feel that sense of alliance.
We often fall into the trap of thinking that everyone wants resolution. The reality is that resolution of conflict is not always the actual desire or need a person has. This is especially true if what someone needs in a scenario is related to self-esteem. When a person needs an increase in self-esteem, they will usually not want resolution as much as they want to be the good guy or want to prove they are better than the other person in some way. For this, they actually must keep the other person in the bad guy role to get that need met. Resolution in this case is contrary to their actual need.
Pay special attention to when one person says things about another person that either creates or fuels a problem between you and the other person they have the conflict with. Realize that 2 parties in a conflict often have completely different stories and perceptions about the same event. So getting information through only one party is a biased perception. And getting information through a third party is totally unreliable.
We can use any situation where we are being triangulated to get closer to the person being triangulated against. When someone is triangulating us, we will begin to feel insecurities about the person they have a conflict with. In essence, we will feel our own conflict with them magnified. At this moment, we should go directly to that person and address our conflict with them, but leaving the person who is triangulating and their issue out of it completely. For example, using the previous scenario, person B should come to person C and talk about their feelings of insignificance and feeling not prioritized. And that talk should have nothing to do with person A at all. By resolving this issue directly, we can remain a neutral party in the conflict between two people who are having a conflict.
Use an objective facilitator. Often times, if a conflict is too big, the use of an outside person who can’t be used as a tool against someone is the best way to go in order to create resolution. If triangulation has been used to split a group of people, a group meeting must be held with all of the people involved and hopefully with an objective facilitator. This disallows the person doing the triangulation from continuing to be the in-between in the relationships around them. Everything can then be put on the table at one time and because everyone is there to see what everyone else says directly, the door is closed to any misinterpretation or misrepresentation. No one is hearing things through any one else. The conversation should end with agreement on specific actions and behaviors they will take to avoid triangulating in the future.
There are very rare situations in which the best option for people is to separate. But no matter how hard it is, in almost every situation, our goal should be to resolve the rift between someone and ourselves so we feel close to them. Our goal should also be to resolve the rift between someone and whomever they have a conflict with, not enhance the rift. We need to be in the habit of direct conflict resolution to accomplish this goal.
It is very easy to fall into the trap of enhancing the triangle once you appear in it. The sad reality is that once one person decides they need support against someone they are in conflict with, you are part of the triangle, whether you intentionally chose to be or not and whether you like it or not. Whenever you are dealing with a triangle and you are in any role within that triangle, the question to keep in your mind as a north star is; right here in this statement or action, am I enhancing the triangle or am I helping to unravel the triangle?
Develop empathy and compassion. The antidote to triangulation is empathy. In an initial conflict, usually both parties are victims in some way. For example, we may be the victim of someone not prioritizing us. But they might be the victim of extreme pressure which is why they aren’t prioritizing us. Empathy is not designed to negate our hurt. It is designed to make it so we can stay united and not locked into our own perception. Empathy will ensure that we do not cast ourselves or other people in any of the roles of the bad guy, the victim and the rescuer and simply deal with the conflict at hand as well as the needs that conflict is flushing to the surface. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Compassion and How to Cultivate Compassion.
Triangulation is something that we see in families, in neighborhoods, in cultures, in politics, in religions. It is part of human behavior. But it is part of human behavior that keeps you stuck and that divides us all.
Anorexia is an eating disorder that like most eating disorders is much less about food itself than it is about trying to cope with emotional pain. For this reason, it could be considered a behavioral addiction instead.
People who struggle with anorexia cope with the specific emotional pain that they suffer from by controlling their bodies, especially with regards to weight. They tend to suffer from an inaccurate perception of their own weight (body dysmorphia), as well as an intense fear of gaining weight. This then leads to behaviors such as severe restriction of food intake even to the point of starvation, misuse of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, diet aids and excessive exercise. Some people who struggle with anorexia binge and purge, similar to those who struggle with bulimia, but there are some key differences between those who struggle with anorexia and those who struggle with bulimia. For a person struggling with anorexia, all these behaviors can lead to abnormally low body weight. This behavioral addiction is not only harmful to a person’s overall health, it can be life threatening.
To understand the motive for this behavioral addiction, we need to understand the life experiences of those who suffer from anorexia. People who suffer from anorexia have deep and often suppressed trauma involving feeling out of control. When we are children, we are essentially out of control in our lives. We are at the mercy of the adults in our life. Our degree of safety is about how much we can trust them to be in control in a way that takes our best interests to heart. All too often however, we come into environments where it isn’t about our best interests at all, it is about their best interests, even to our detriment. We begin to feel as if we are simply a tool for their self-gratification.
This can occur in less severe ways such as being consistently criticized by a parent so we have to shape ourselves to the image they want us to be. And it can happen in more severe ways such as an adult sexually abusing us. All of this spells “I’m totally out of control and because I’m out of control, I can expect to be in pain.” Obviously, this is a terrifying kind of prison to be in. It gives rise to constant anxiety.
If someone is only concerned with their best interests, they don’t see or hear or feel or understand you. This means you are alone even when you are with them in a room. For this reason, anorexia is no exception when it comes to addiction. All addiction is about isolation at its root. Those who suffer from anorexia were and are emotionally isolated and that creates intense pain.
A perception that all people with anorexia tend to share is the perception that no matter how much they tried to do something, it never worked. No matter how much they tried to shape themselves to please the adult and avoid criticism, it never worked to make the criticism stop. No matter how hard they tried to manipulate the adult so as to get their needs met or stay safe, it never worked. No matter how hard they tried to be loved and approved of and belong, it never led to actually being loved or approved of or being treated as if they belong. No matter how much they tried to get the things they wanted in their life, they couldn’t make it happen. Their desires were totally at the mercy of the adult. For this reason, people with anorexia carry a core self-concept of failure and never being good enough. After all, if it seems like everyone around you is capable of making things happen in their lives such as making themselves be lovable or making themselves be approved of or getting their needs met or belonging etc. then what does it say about you? This experience of failing turns onto self hate.
In early experiences like this, there is no actual love. To love is to take something as part of yourself and as such, the other person’s best interests become part of your own. So the person with anorexia learns love as something that it isn’t. And therefore develops a subconscious negative association with love. Love is very often experienced as some form of abuse. Because this false love is taking place in such a dysfunctional way, the giving and taking of energy from one another becomes quite dangerous. To accept something for example may mean you are indebted to whomever you accepted it from. Or to give something may mean you will be rejected. The safest alternative is to not take anything and to be very careful about giving.
If you are dependent on someone who does not have your best interests at heart, the best idea is to train yourself to not need them as much as possible. If you need a specific energy, whoever dolls out that energy is in control. The only way to gain back control is to willingly starve. What is important to see is that the anorexic does not only deprive themselves of food as a form of control, but deprives themselves of many other forms of energy intake; thing like praise, enjoyment, affectionate touch, other people’s presence etc.
If anorexia progresses too far, this self hate and desire for control can and does turn towards life itself. Life is essentially relationships. Because dysfunctional relationships are the experience of those who suffer from anorexia, life itself becomes painful and pretty soon a person starts to feel towards life the same way they felt towards the people who set the stage for their life. Like life is in control of them and not in a good way, rather in a way where they can expect pain. So at a certain point, they may decide to not take in life. At this point, a person does not only shut down in terms of food or other forms of energy intake. They shut down to life itself. It becomes a subconscious death wish.
For a person with anorexia, much like a person with OCD, they feel so out of control, they gravitate towards controlling whatever they can control. And often, they find this is related to their body. This is quite ironic because so many people who are anorexic felt out of control physically as children. But this is one reason why being able to control the body somehow is so attractive. They control whether they eat, what they eat and why, how much they eat, whether their body is allowed to keep the food or whether they throw it up, whether they force a bowel movement, whether they exercise so hard that the body is forced to lose weight and anything else related to the way they want their body to look. But the emphasis tends to remain on weight. In the life of the anorexic, they often learned at some point that thinness is equated with self worth. This makes their weight a good target in terms of being able to control their self-concept and whether others value them.
For the anorexic, being in control in this way is a way of mitigating the pain of these life experiences, the feelings of being a failure, the low self worth, anxiety and feelings of being totally out of control. It is a method of coping. So what should a person do if they are struggling with anorexia?
Anorexia is a behavioral addiction. For this reason, it must be treated like an addiction. You must accept that like any addiction, it is an attempt to escape from the pain the addiction is serving to mitigate. If you want to overcome the addiction, you must be brave enough to go in the opposite direction that the addiction is taking you. Instead of going away from the pain (the wound that exists within you), you must go straight into it. And preferably with help to do so. In my opinion, the best process for doing this is: The Completion Process. You can go to thecompletionprocess.com to learn all about it as well as to find a practitioner to work with if you want one.
Find any way you can to be in control but in a conscious way. For some people, the path of progression for them specifically is to let go of control. This is not the case for someone suffering from anorexia. A person suffering from anorexia must see that they are capable of taking control of things in ways that lead to positive feeling states. The behavioral addiction of anorexia is actually an attempt at this. Here is a small list of just some ideas of what I mean.
Consciously visualize things for 5 minutes a day and seeing how they show up in your reality. Design a day your way. To do this, decide to do only what would make you feel really good to do and plan it and then execute it so that you have taken control of what happens in your day. When something happens that doesn’t feel good, like something spills, clean it up and while you are doing that, consciously remind yourself that you are taking control of the spill and now that there is no spill anymore, feel how good it feels that you could control that and turn it into a situation that felt better. Create something, like art, where you are in control of the finished product.
There are SO many ways you could consciously learn to be in control and see that you can be. Make sure to start with little, achievable goals and things. The more achievable and controllable a goal is, the better this will work. Completing the goal you can set and meet and controlling the things you can control are obviously going to help your body somatically learn to move away from the story that you are out of control and a failure because of it.
Get people in your life who can and do take your best interests as part of their best interests. Separate from those who can’t and don’t do this. This will get easier and easier with the more conscious awareness you place on these deep wounds that created the addiction in the first place. Addiction is about aloneness. We feel alone when we are not seen, heard, felt and understood. If someone is only concerned with their best interests, they don’t see or hear or feel or understand you. This means you are alone even when you are with them. You really need closeness with people. You need to experience the opposite of the relationships that created this perception that you are out of control in a negative way. Your ultimate goal needs to be to collect people with whom to have long term, intimate relationships where you are safe because you can think the thought with them, “I’m out of control with this person… and so I feel safe.” In these relationships, you can viscerally learn that it is safe to receive from other people and that is safe to give.
Bring Love to Your Self-Hate. Self-hate is a coping mechanism that comes along with anorexia. At first glance it may be hard to see how self-hate could possibly be a coping mechanism. After all, self-hate can’t possibly decrease a person’s distress can it? The answer is yes it can. To understand this coping mechanism in depth and to find out how to heal it, watch my video titled: Self Hate (The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism).
Discover your narrative and demolish it. Every person who is struggling with anorexia is struggling with a narrative… A story of yourself or alternate reality that is completely false and is doing damage to your life. You have a false ‘story of me’. This story of me contains two sides. Not only false negative things but also false positive things. For example, a story of oneself as hideous, bad, disgusting, dark, worthless at the same time as a story about oneself having ethereal powers, being endlessly self sacrificing, coming from royal blood, or any number of other things that serve to negate the negative self story. It is a polarized view of self. This comes from parts within that adopted a negative self-image from one’s childhood and parts that were designed to compensate for or cope with those parts.
Often the disorder itself is woven into these false positive stories and as a result, we have to shoot holes in our positive self-story in order to overcome it. For example, my thinness and not eating is attributed to the fact that I am a super spiritual being with such a high consciousness that food weighs me down to the physical. To overcome anorexia, you must philosophically dissolve away your false story of self. Part of these narratives are also stories about the world. These need to be demolished as well. For example, we tend to tell ourselves that no one likes fat people. But what if that weren’t true? What if men for example were more attracted to the 1950’s body where women have curves and cellulite? What if entire dating sites exist of only people who are looking for chubby and fat people to date, people who think skinny is gross?
Dedicate yourself to Authenticity. You learned there were consequences for being yourself. And there were when you came into environments with people who were incompatible to you or who were only concerned with their own needs and desires. But the more authentic you can be, the happier you will feel in life. The less you will feel like you are uncomfortable in your own skin, living your life in the attempt to gain approval and avoid conflict. You will stop being controlled by perfectionism, which is really an attempt to manipulate in order to get your needs met. People will be attracted to the real you and as a result, you will feel what it is to be truly valued for what is intrinsic about you. You will stop this pattern of rejecting your own needs and consistently attracting people into your life who reject your needs. Also, you will stop feeling disconnected from your role in life… Where you truly fit in. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
Heal your relationship with Your Body. You behave towards your own body, like the adults in your childhood behave towards you. You are in control of it without having its best interests at heart… only your own. This means you are disconnected from and abusive towards it. To undo this, do integration work with your body specifically. You can treat your body (or even specific parts of your body) as if it is one separate part. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Close your eyes and feel what emotion or feeling you get when your body feels the way you want it to feel? If I am brutally honest, what does self-starvation give me that nothing else does? What does it feel like when it is clean on the inside or skinny or when you are in complete disciplined control of what goes into it when others are putting things in their body that cause them to get fat? What emotion or feeling is it that this gives you that you cannot seem to feel in your life without it? Perhaps it is the feeling of gratification of revenge or punishment of someone else? Perhaps it is the feeling of being light and slippery and able to get away from anyone fast. Perhaps it is the feeling of relief of being in control. Identify the sensation. Brainstorm other, healthier ways that you could get that feeling in your life. Involve other people in this brainstorming as well.
Focus on safety. Some people need to get out of their comfort zones. You need to develop comfort zones first. This means, become familiar with the feeling of safety. Consciously do things that make you feel safe. If you struggle with anorexia, you feel like you have to fend for yourself and as such you feel unsafe and unprotected. This means in every situation where you begin to feel unsafe or anxious, instead of tuning it out, use that feeling of un-safety as an alarm bell. When it goes off, ask yourself, what could I do to make this situation feel safer? And then take action on the answer you receive. It isn’t always dramatic things like leaving the situation that are necessary to do. For example, in a social situation perhaps putting on a puffy coat would make you feel safer. Write up a safety list. Put everything that makes you feel safe on that list. Things like warm water, listening to soothing sounds, being held, the smell of bread etc. Make this list as long as possible. When you feel unsafe, go to that list and pick something off of it and go do that thing.
Give loving presence to and understand your worry. People with anorexia are struggling with anxiety and worry. This is because they feel out of control in a world where people and even the universe cannot be trusted to be in control in ways that will benefit them. To understand your worry in depth as well as what to do about it, watch my videos titled: How To Stop Worrying (Ask Teal Episode On Worry) and How To Stop Expecting The Worst (Catastophizing).
Develop a positive relationship with food. Since negative food relationship is a part of anorexia, it is critical to change your relationship to food. It is ok to be controlling with food, so long as you ACTUALLY are in touch with your body’s signals, needs, desires and best interests. Just be ware that just like the adults in your early life thought things were in your best interests that actually weren’t in your best interests at all, you run the very real risk of thinking things are in the best interests of your body that actually are not in your body’s best interests at all. For more information about how to do this, watch my video titled: How To Improve Your Relationship With Food.
If exercise is part of your anorexia, the same should be done with exercise. Exercise with the best interests of your body in mind and heart, even if that means much less exercise or totally different forms of exercise. What would it be like to exercise with the idea of helping your body to feel healthier and stronger instead of for it to lose weight? So often we can do things against our body instead of for our body, but we lie to ourselves by telling ourselves we are doing it for our body. This is self gas lighting. Any time we do something against our body, it will backfire eventually.
As with most things, I could write an entire book on the process of healing from anorexia. But here I have listed the most important aspects of healing. If you commit yourself to these steps and this process, you will experience this healing. Believe it or not, it is possible for you to have relationships where people take your best interests as part of their best interests and therefore to feel safe in your relationships. It is possible for it to be safe for you to take in energy from life and for there to be no consequences for doing so. It is possible that the person that you really are is not only a success, but is also more than good enough. It is possible for you to control the conscious creation of a life that feels good. In fact, you came here to do exactly that.
To support is to give assistance that enables someone else in some way. Support is actually a specialty in the human race. It is a big reason why we survived and have evolved to the point that we have. But the human race is not immune to dysfunction when it comes to support. When we are young, many of us have adults around us who cannot see us as individuals. Instead, they see us as extensions of themselves. We are treated as if we exist to satiate the needs of these adults. We are trained that there is only one right way to support and that is whatever support these adults needed most. Often times the forms of support that we are intrinsically built for are either not recognized and valued or discouraged.
For example, a child who is born with an intrinsic capacity for aesthetics. This child could naturally assist the family by re-arranging the house and creating a beautiful living environment. But the family doesn’t value this. Perhaps mom needs assistance in watching the younger siblings. Caretaking is something that this child hates to do. This support is given begrudgingly so as to avoid consequences. This child will begin to feel used and as if they had to give up part of themselves. If this experience is associated with the idea of support, they will hate the idea of being in a supportive role.
Dysfunctional relationships are relationships in which needs are met within the relationship in ways that are detrimental to either party or both parties. You could sum up this dysfunction in the following sentence: I can’t have you and have me too. In dysfunctional relationships, two people cannot figure out how to both have their own needs, desires, preferences, feelings and thoughts and stay in connection with one another. What classically happens in these relationships is that one person does not meet the needs of the other; they act as if only their needs exist. The other ends up giving up their authenticity in order to get some of their most important needs met. It becomes a relationship of “I’ll meet your needs in these ways that are detrimental to me and that I don’t want to… so that I can get X”. It is negatively transactional in nature, not a healthy exchange. Just to name a few examples, X may be praise. X might be the guarantee of never being left. X might be an opportunity they want. This person actually only supports the other in order to get their own needs met, which is manipulative. So both people are actually not in a real relationship. They are simply focused on their own needs.
This style of relationship is so common to the human race that it the norm. It has given rise to the idea that to support means to self-sacrifice. It means to give yourself, your feelings, thoughts, needs, desires and preferences up for someone else’s sake. And so now, we have a love hate relationship with support. On the one hand, we authentically don’t want to be in that role because no one wants to give themselves up for someone else. On the other hand, doing this is seen as moral and virtuous. We want to feel like we are good and be seen as good so badly that we are tempted to pay that price. When we pay that price however, we never feel good about it. We become resentful. We feel bad towards whatever we are giving ourselves up in order to give our assistance to. Those of you who had moms that self sacrificed in any way in order to be moms and who gave themselves up for the sake of their children know exactly how well that worked out. For one mother, dedicating her life to her children’s needs where they are her primary focus may not feel like giving herself up at all. To another mother, it may feel like a total loss of self to do that. This relationship that we have to support in general has got to change and it has got to change today.
The thing that most people don’t know is that we are all born with an intrinsic capacity to support and also a strong drive to support others. It is an intrinsic drive in all of us to assist each other. The variable is in the HOW. We are trained to think of support in an incredibly limited way. We are trained primarily to see support only as how the adults in our childhood demanded our assistance. More than that most of us are trained by society at large to see support in terms of acts of service only.
Stop this video right now and write support at the top of a piece of paper. Under that word write all of the associations you have with that word. Some examples of things that could end up on that paper might be: The image of someone cheering from the stands at a football game, drudgery, the feeling of doing things you don’t want to do, the memory of rubbing someone’s feet, taking care of someone who is sick, exhaustion, the awesome feeling of being needed etc. Allow yourself to create a list that is totally unique to you and be brutally honest. Some of us might have an awesome relationship to support. The majority of us won't. The majority of us want to be supported, but don’t want to be supportive because of this association between support and giving up oneself for another. When you have written the list, turn this video back on.
Think about this, to support is to give assistance that enables someone else in some way. Do you know how many ways there are to do that? What you have to find is the ways that you like doing that. You need to find the ways that doing that feels not like you are giving yourself up, but like you are so happy doing it that the doing of it seems to fill you up somehow or meet your needs.
The happiest relationships are relationships where people are compatible in terms of the type of support they need and the type of support the other person intrinsically loves to give. This is a win-win relationship. The worst relationships are relationships where there is no compatibility in terms of the type of support one needs and type of support one intrinsically loves to give. This is a win-lose scenario, which is a lose-lose in reality because it sucks to be given something that someone doesn’t want to give. This is a critical from of compatibility to look for in any relationship. You can’t force someone to value your form of support if they want a different form of support any more than you can force yourself to feel good giving a type of support that you hate giving.
For example, my favorite form of support is to give my creative achievements to others. The most obvious way this manifests is that I create content that people can use to transform their life (like this very video). I can do this forever and because I love it, not because I’m trying to get something by doing it. Many people obviously love this support. Many people however desire support in the form of what they never got from their mothers. Looking to me for that is like looking to a surgeon to be a nurse. They want to be nurtured. When they come to me for this type of support and inevitably don’t get it, they are super disappointed and even mad about it.
Some other forms of support that are intrinsic to me and that I like are: Cooking for people, giving gifts, making people laugh, giving intense levels of intimacy, spending quality time with people where I’m totally present, giving people new experiences and even financially paying for them to have those experiences, creating art that enriches people’s lives, creating beauty and energetic balance in people’s living environments, helping people to become totally aware, assisting people’s physical health esp. by making things that add to their health like teas and tinctures, leading and initiating.
Some forms of support that are not intrinsic to me and that I dislike are: Physical nurturing/caretaking, affirming others, organizing and planning, dedicating myself on an ongoing basis to another person’s success in the way a manager or agent or housewife or coach or stay at home mom would. Acts of service like doing someone’s laundry or helping them move.
If you look at the support that I need, it is the support that I, myself don’t like to give. To create genuine compatible relationships, I have to find people who intrinsically love to support in these ways that I need support and who need support in the ways that I can give them. Remember that just because you hate to give support in a certain way doesn’t mean that someone won't love to give it in that way. Just because your mom said “I’m not your slave” doesn’t mean someone won’t love to make you dinner.
Discover the ways that you intrinsically are built to give support. Discover the ways that you need support. Then seek out the people who would love, need and value that type of support that you intrinsically give. And seek out the people who intrinsically love to support you in the ways that you value, need and love.
As people, we are obsessed with equality. You can clearly see this obsession on an individual and a social level. After all, the vast majority of social rights movements are about this. Equality is a value we hold as dear as freedom. But what if it is only our ego that is concerned with equality? More than that, what if equality is a complete illusion?
Your ego is essentially your sense of self. It is your self-concept separate from others. It is I, me, mine. Anything you identify with becomes part of your ego. The process of socialization teaches you that some things are good to be and some things are bad to be. And there are consequences for badness. Therefore, you strive to only have parts of your ego that are good. This is where your bind spots come in. You will tend to hide parts of yourself that you have been taught to see as bad from your own awareness. Because Ego is a differentiation between self and other, it can only exist in a state of comparison. We have learned that to be less than others in any way is bad. We have learned it leads to things that threaten not only our self-esteem, but also our wellbeing and ability to get what we desire. It makes our self-concept negative and makes us feel prevented from what we want.
For example, if we want to get a job as a model and we perceive ourselves to be less attractive to another model or receive the message that the company hiring perceives us to be less attractive, we will not feel equal to the other model. Our self concept relative to our attractiveness will decrease negatively and we will perceive ourselves to be prevented from what we want. The amount of pain this kind of experience creates makes it obvious why we then begin to fight for equality and even more than that, superiority.
The human ego cannot handle perceiving itself to be less than. It is a threat. It begins a very subconscious mission to try to gain equality and more than that, to become better than the person it currently feels inferior to. You will find any way you can to knock them off of that pedestal or try to get on a bigger pedestal yourself. The entire multi billion dollar tabloid industry thrives primarily because of this dynamic within the human ego. It makes us feel equal to or better than the stars that because of their significance, fame, money or looks, we feel unequal to.
One thing we have to see is that we only care about equality when we are feeling less than. We don’t really care about equality when we feel equal and we don’t care about equality when we are superior. In most cases, we are fine with inequality when we are the one on top. In fact, we have to identify in some way with a demographic that is being treated as inferior in order to care if someone or something else is being treated that way. You only care about equality because you don’t want anyone to be higher than you or anything you identify with.
So often you will see people fight for equality for those who are seen as inferior but this is because doing so makes them feel morally superior. For example, so many people fight for equality for people who are poor. But in actuality, they don’t see poor people as equal. After all, they are not the sort of people who would ever clean those toilets or clean those floors.
One of the hardest things about being a spiritual teacher is that teaching about the universe entails teaching contradictory truths. This is because we live in a multidimensional universe. At the highest dimensional level of existence, a table and a person and a plant and a dog are all made up of the same energy and the same consciousness. All is one. This is a kind of ultimate equality. But as this consciousness becomes a part of the physical dimension, this consciousness chooses to become separated and defined and polarized. Because of this, as much as our ego does not like it, the reality of physical life is that we are not all equal.
The thing we are most concerned with when it comes to equality is value. We want to be valued equally. In this physical dimension however, this is impossible. It is impossible because value is determined by needs, perspective and preferences. For example, in a time of war, a diamond or ruby has no value whatsoever. A bottle of alcohol on the other hand has tons of value. If a woman wants to be financially taken care of, and a rich man and the most emotionally available man in the world walks through the door, the woman will value the rich man. An employee’s needs will not be treated as equal to the needs of a CEO because a company can afford to lose and replace a worker. They cannot afford to lose and replace a CEO. You want your perspective to matter as much as anyone else’s in any given circumstance. But it doesn’t. If someone meditated on a mountain for 20 years, your opinion about meditation would not matter as much as theirs. It would be inferior. In my line of work, the best engineer would be useless. In an engineering project, I would be useless.
For thousands of years, women could not hold property. Therefore, if both society and therefore a man and wife were concerned with successors and heirs, a boy would have more value than a girl because a girl did not meet that need. This spelled out superiority for boys and inferiority for girls.
The perception of inequality can and does lead to many, many horrible things. Whites saw blacks as unequal and therefore, blacks were kept as slaves and hung from trees. The figure skater Tonya Harding saw Nancy Kerrigan as superior and therefore initiated an incident where Nancy was hit in the leg with a pipe before Us Nationals. But it is not equality we need to be fighting for. Equality is not a reality in the realm of physicality, where needs and personal preference exist. What we need to be fighting for is three things:
Love. To love is to take something as part of yourself. For example, if whites took blacks to be a part of themselves, they could not have enslaved them without feeling the negative impact of doing so themselves. Slavery would not have happened. When we love something, we root FOR that thing to get what it wants instead of prevent it from getting what it wants.
Awareness. Question everything and consider every perspective so as to become aware of everything and arrive at a higher truth. If we could do this, we would transcend our prejudices and ignorance. For example, women are still paid less than men by a shocking percentage around the world. Instead of focusing on this being a matter of fighting for women to be equal to men, we need to collectively question WHY this is the case. We need to become aware of all the perspectives and angles so as to arrive at what inevitable changes need to take place within our minds and within society.
For each individual to stop focusing on where he/she or others is inferior and start to recognize his /her or their unique intrinsic value that for the sake of this conversation we could call superiorities.
If we could do these three things, the negative manifestations that arise out of the reality of inequality would not occur. It may sound strange for someone like myself, who teaches that the perception of inferiority and superiority is a function of the ego, to encourage people to discover their superiorities instead of to dis-identify. But this is why I am encouraging it. You cannot ‘get rid of’ the ego. You will always have a self-concept as long as you possess and individual perspective. That concept could be its own episode. And the more intrinsic value you see in yourself for your own unique superiorities, the less you will care about your deficiencies. The less you care about your deficiencies, the more secure you are in terms of self-concept. The more secure you are in terms of self concept, the less you will create the incredible manifestations of suffering that arise from insecurity relative to inequality. When you are willing to live your life according to your unique intrinsic value (gifts), your purpose falls in your lap. When you can see the intrinsic value in others, you can lead them to their purpose instead of forcing them to try to improve their deficiencies so as to suit your needs.
We believe inequality is wrong. We believe everyone and everything should be equal. It doesn’t matter if we believe inequality shouldn’t exist. It does. Equality is a judgment based on perceptual reality. And therefore, equality does not exist. In a world of differentiation, sameness does not exist. Men do not give birth to children. If a man were expected to nurse, he would find himself to be inferior. Men have profound physical advantages. If a woman were expected to compete against men in the sports where these physical advantages make a difference, she would find herself to be inferior. One person may suck at math. But be amazing at writing. One person may have had every advantage in terms of education and finances in life but be terrible at forming relationships.
We need to be brave enough to accept that inequality is the reality of life. We need to accept that our inequalities point to our unique life purpose. We need to accept that because feeling inferior embarrasses us, we don’t admit to ourselves consciously who we feel inferior to or what things about people we feel inferior to. We need to accept that because being superior and inequality is considered morally wrong in society now, it is not politically correct to admit that we feel superior to certain people and things. Ask yourself and honestly admit to where you feel superior and where you feel inferior. Feel how much this topic and episode triggers you. Ask yourself why does it trigger you so much? If I am inferior to this person or thing, why would that be so bad?
We need to stop fighting for equality and fight for love, awareness and intrinsic value instead.
To idolize someone is to admire or revere someone excessively. Obviously “excessive” is a matter of perception. It is subjective. One person would feel that putting pictures of someone on your wall (like nearly every teenager does with their favorite celebrity) is excessive admiration. One might feel like that is a perfectly healthy form of appreciation. To admire something and to deeply respect something and to appreciate something is healthy. But there are some key ways that idolization can and does turn negative.
The first is that if you idolize someone, you are actually more attached to what they represent for you. You are attached to an image you have of them in your mind because it fulfills some need of yours. I like to call this “Santa Clause Complex”. For example, when you idolize a spiritual teacher, you imagine them to always be loving or never be angry or to live in a certain house or eat certain foods. If they deviate in any way from that image you have in your mind, you decide they are not what you thought they were. And perhaps you needed to know they were that certain way so you could have hope in humanity. In that moment, you didn’t just feel as if you were mistaken in terms of who they really are vs. who you thought they were, you also lost your hope in humanity. You will then blame them for that disappointment. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Overlay (what prevents you from having a real relationship).
The second place where idolization turns negative is where the human ego begins to compare. Our tendency to compare ourselves to others makes idolization downright dangerous.
When we idolize something, we very quickly compare ourselves to whatever we idolize and feel inferior to it. The human ego cannot handle this and so it begins a very subconscious strategy to try to gain equality and more, to become better than the person it currently feels inferior to.
Let’s take a deep dive into the psychology of idolization. Attraction to anything implies that there is a polarity present, just like the negative and positive charge between magnets. We are attracted to whatever we are not. If you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to stop this video and watch my video titled “Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease”. This video will make the concept of internal polarization make sense.
If we are deeply attracted to something, like we are to an extreme when we idolize someone, that person is the external mirror of a part of us that we have cut ourselves off from and suppressed. If we idolize the other person, we have woefully cut that part of ourselves off from our conscious awareness.
For example, many parents shame their children for being self centered when they perform for their parents or other people specifically for attention. This can easily cause a child to cut off from and suppress the part of them that wants to be a performer and be the center of attention. They did not want to get rid of this part of themselves. They woefully cut off from it. But their being wants desperately to be whole and so there is that subconscious drive to re-own that part of themselves. They may then be hopelessly attracted to and idolize a pop star. The worship of that pop star actually is an externalized way of loving that part of them that is a performer and that loves to be the center of attention, which they learned was not ok about themselves. It is essentially a love affair with the part of us we learned was forbidden to love within ourselves and therefore forbidden to be.
By getting close to them, you are actually getting closer to the part you have disowned within yourself. This naturally makes the extreme attraction/adoration towards them decrease because the internal polarity (separation between the part of you that you are identified with and the part you woefully disowned which they are an external representation of) is not as extreme. This also makes you feel less like they are on a pedestal. This feels like relief. The closer you can get to them, the more this perception of inequality and idolization goes away. You feel elevated in terms of personal significance. But if this process happens subconsciously, meaning that you feel these feelings but aren’t conceptualizing of why, this is a recipe for disaster.
At some level, you feel that internal limit that is preventing you from being like that person you idolize. You feel ENVY. You feel they have something (or many things) that you can’t have. Idolization is just envy in disguise if it involves intense admiration for what someone wants for themselves. You feel inferior in a multitude of different ways. You feel like they are higher and up on a pedestal to you and that is too uncomfortable to stand. So you will find any way you can to knock them off of that pedestal or try to get on a bigger pedestal yourself. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Jealousy and Envy, How to Deal With It.
The minute that they say or do something to make you feel like you have lost that significance or feel inferior again to them in any way, even if it is totally indirect, like someone else making you feel like they are superior, you will feel hurt by them and you will now begin to compete for equality and more than that, either try to knock them off of your conceptual pedestal or compete for a higher conceptual pedestal than you put them on. This dynamic happened over and over in history when a king would be overthrown by someone who he considered to be a close friend and esteemed member of his court. A great example of this dynamic if you want to see it, happens between Tristan and Melot in the movie Tristan and Isolde.
One of the biggest ways that the human ego competes is through moral superiority. If you can’t find a way to be better than someone in terms of success or excellence, you will try to find a way that you are better than they are in terms of character. You will want to find fault with them. The entire multi billion-dollar tabloid business exists because of this. Your ego gets a boost and you feel superior to the stars if you see their scandals and faults.
If people feel they can’t gain significance and a sense of equality or superiority in any other way, they will gain significance and a sense of superiority through opposition. They will turn from a fan into a hater. Think about it. No one cared about or even knew who John Wilkes booth was until the day he killed the president. People who feel they can gain personal significance and achievement will not waste any of their personal energy trying to gain significance or a sense of equality or self worth through pulling people down. Hate acts as a mask for the personal insecurity. It elevates the hater past the hated. It gives purpose to people and identity. Then, the human ego seeks to be validated in that positioning. This is why one hater turns into two and three and four. The more validation they get for their hate, the more they can avoid the insecurities and ego wounding, including the feeling of inferiority. They can feel superior and feel empowered instead of powerless next to the person they have turned against. The hate will only stop when the hater faces what is underneath the hate, including his or her own insecurities.
What most people don’t realize when they are idolizing someone or being idolized is that the admiration and reverence is completely conditional. For example, it is conditional upon the object of the admiration and reverence living up to an image that the other has in their head. Or it is conditional upon meeting a need the other has. Or it is conditional upon making sure nothing ever triggers the feeling of inferiority or insecurities the other has. It is conditional upon conditions that no person could ever meet. For this reason, in Hollywood it is often said that the people to be the most afraid of are your biggest fans.
For someone to turn from a fan into a hater, they have to perceive that they have been caused some kind of pain. Hatred is after all a cover emotion for hurt. But that’s just the thing. That hurt could be direct or indirect. It could be intentional or completely unintentional. If someone feels insecure about their looks and you look how they wish they looked, that will cause them to feel pain. If someone needs to feel significant and special to you and you don’t answer the e-mail they sent you, that will cause them to feel pain. If you say no to something they wanted you to say yes to, that will cause them pain. If you don’t believe in vaccines and a person believes that makes you a threat to their wellbeing, that will cause them to feel pain. When you get successful, it makes people feel less successful, that causes them pain. When you are beautiful, it makes people feel less desirable, that causes them pain. When you get rich, it makes people feel poor, that causes them pain. When you get famous, it causes people to feel insignificant. That causes them pain. This is why no one has haters like the successful, beautiful, rich and famous.
It is not possible to ensure that you wont cause someone pain. All you can do is your best to try not to cause other people pain without hurting yourself to do so. And you’re powerless about whether people can face that pain and resolve it or whether they will choose to avoid it by turning against you to try to escape those feelings.
To steer clear of the dark side of idolization, you must re-own and integrate the aspects within yourself that are being reflected to you in this mirror hologram called life, as that external person that you idolize. To steer clear of hate, you must face your pain, especially your insecurities, and find a direct way to resolve that wounding as opposed to turning against the person who you perceived caused that hurt.
Freedom is a sense of being able to think, speak or act according to what one wants without hindrance or restraint. Freedom is something that all people value. And it is something that all people need to a certain extent. It is also a guarantee that because we live on a planet with other people, we will experience the loss of freedom at certain points in our life. Some people however lack a sense of inherent freedom to such a degree that they become so obsessed with freedom that it actually destroys their relationships and ultimately their life.
To commit to something is to put all of your energy into something. Doing this on an energetic level is like rolling a bowling ball towards the pins at the end of a bowling alley. It is what is required to achieve an aim. With no commitment there is no result. There is no result in any sector of your life; whether it is your career life, your spiritual life or your personal life. It is impossible not to put your energy somewhere. If you don’t commit, it automatically means you have committed to non-commitment.
Responsibility is the opportunity to act independently because you are the one who has the duty to deal with something autonomously. This makes you the one who is accountable. Responsibility is also required to achieve an aim. Not taking responsibility is like standing at the end of a bowling alley, hoping someone else will throw the bowling ball for you so that you don’t have to be accountable for the result of doing so yourself. This means you will fail in every aspect of your life. You will be incapable of following through to achieve something in your spiritual life or your career life. You will also not be able to maintain relationships because you put the responsibility of keeping the connection and repairing ruptures in the relationship entirely on the other person. It is a one sided relationship. But a great many people, especially those who identify with new age spirituality and/or the hippie movement, neither commit nor take responsibility and confuse that with freedom.
Both commitment and responsibility come with a certain kind of pressure. We could consider that pressure the price of free will and autonomy. That pressure is only worth it to people if they can see that they get something positive out of taking on that pressure. Some of the things a person could get as a result of taking on that pressure is authority, self esteem, a sense of personal accomplishment, control and rather ironically, freedom for example. If we have an issue with commitment and responsibility, we have trauma related to both.
People who have the hardest time with responsibility and commitment tend to come from environments where they subconscious or consciously perceived one or both of their parents to be a dictator. A dictator is someone who maintains power over others by force. That force is carried out through the threat of consequences or use of consequences that the people they control cannot afford to assume. And so they choose to comply instead. Some of these consequences might be facing total disapproval, ostracization, being scapegoated by the family, loss of belonging, shaming, isolation, emotional punishment or even physical punishment for example. Because they don’t want to have to choose to comply (they are choosing to do so to avoid a consequence) they lose touch with the freedom inherent in making that choice and instead feel totally out of control. They feel as if they have no freedom in the household, especially no freedom to be themselves. The freedom they had was the choice to give up their freedom and personal desires and authenticity to avoid the consequences set forth by this parent.
A child growing up in this kind of environment also does not usually experience any rewards coming with their commitment or responsibility at times when they did commit or take responsibility. Instead, they experienced only drawbacks. For example, when they committed to a decision, they were made to feel it was the wrong decision or like the price for mistakes is too high to commit to a course of action. This is especially true if one of these consequences for making a mistake was blame and the loss of closeness/love of their parent. Responsibility came with consequences that were priced too high. To learn more about this, Watch my video titled: ‘How To Get Over The Fear Of Commitment’.
Freedom is all about personal desire. When we desire something bad enough, we are usually willing to take the pressure and pay the price for that thing. When we desire something, we are willing to take risks and commit and be responsible for our choice. But for people who confuse freedom with lack of responsibility and lack of commitment, the wires got crossed. Here is how: The belief that you were imprinted with in your early life is that you couldn’t want what you want. It is wrong and comes with consequences that are too high to assume. You had to want what someone else wanted for you. You can’t authentically make yourself do this. So you can’t authentically commit to someone else’s desire if it opposes your own. You also couldn’t authentically take responsibility for carrying out their desire. You simply lived your life to appease them so you could stay safe and avoid the consequences of not doing so. But deep down, this made you feel controlled and you resented it and you didn’t feel free. You lost awareness that this is a choice you, yourself made simply because it is never a choice you wanted to have to make. You felt forced into that choice. And because your association with commitment and responsibility is associated and linked with all these unpleasant experiences, including the giving up of your own personal desire, instead of seeing commitment and responsibility AS freedom (which it is), you see it as the loss of freedom.
If you are the person who had this experience, the duty inherent in responsibility feels like jail bars and so you avoid that duty. The pressure of accountability feels like a ball and chain. If you are a person who had this experience, the “all in” nature of committing feels like a trap. You want to be able to escape and avoid at a moments notice. Basically, you perceive duty, accountability and not being able to back out at any second as a potential hindrance to your personal desires and therefore as a contradiction to freedom. Because of this, you don’t choose to commit and you don’t take responsibility. And you call it freedom.
This isn’t freedom. This is a commitment to irresponsibility and lack of commitment. It is not freedom, it is a perpetual state of avoidance. With genuine freedom there is great responsibility and great commitment. This is also true in relationships. When one is truly free, they choose with their free will to include others as part of themselves. This means, they take other people’s best interests as part of their own best interests. The result is they do not give up their desires for someone else. They also do not expect someone to do that either. They commit to finding a win win scenario for both themself and the other person because they have taken responsibility for their part in the relationships in their life. They take great care to find people to be close to who are compatible to them so this harmony can actually be achieved. For more information about this, watch my videos titled: ‘How To Create A Safe Relationship’ and ‘Take Them As Part Of You (The Golden Key To a good Relationship)”.
If we do not un-cross the wires and begin to associate responsibility and commitment with freedom instead of the loss of freedom, we will end up alone, having achieved none of our actual desires in our lives. We will have simply succeeded at perpetual avoidance. It is the difference between succeeding at not feeling caught or tied down in any way (avoiding what we don’t want) and succeeding at creating the exact life we do want to live (achieving what we do want). And I must warn you that a great many spiritual and social philosophies were created to spiritually justify a state of perpetual avoidance, which is a state of resistance. Because these philosophies themselves were invented by leaders and teachers who were just as dedicated to avoidance as the disciples their philosophies attract.
It is your life. You came here to live it. You can think and say and do what you want and have deep and happy relationships at the same time. You can be free, but freedom comes with great commitment and great responsibility. If you want a life that is truly free, your first commitment should be to improving your relationship to commitment and responsibility. When you are living out your true desires with people whose desires are compatible to your desires, the pressure and risk inherent in commitment and responsibility will be worth it.
At this point in human evolution, eating is a part of all of our lives. The average person spends over an hour just eating and drinking in a day. This does not include the time that goes into shopping for your food or making it. This means that food is an unavoidable, big part of life. We have a relationship with our food whether we like it or not. Some people have a great relationship with food. They operate from a more live to eat approach than an eat to live approach. I am one of those people. Other people do not have a good relationship with food.
There are many experiences that can and do lead to an unhealthy relationship with food. Most of the trauma we experience that destroys our relationship with food involves trauma related to receiving within relationships, body image and abundance. But today, rather than go into all the root causes of individual issues regarding food, I’m simply going to explain how to improve your relationship with food.
Examine your relationship to food. How do you feel about food? How do you feel about eating? If an extraterrestrial landed on the planet to objectively study your eating habits, what would its observations be, assuming that you could see yourself through its eyes? How do you feel about those observations? Can you identify any areas of concern? For example, do you act like you don’t care what you eat and consider it a nuisance to have to? Are you hyper controlling about what you eat? Do you feel guilty when you eat? Do you worry about getting fat when you eat?
Directly face and integrate your un-resolved traumas that have specifically led to a poor relationship with food. If you have trauma around food, certain situations involving food and eating and even specific foods will cause you to have an emotional and even physical reaction. You can use that reaction to discover the root trauma causing it and to create resolve to the unresolved issues and negative beliefs therein. To learn how to do this, I suggest you try The Completion Process. The process itself is explained in detail in my book that is literally titled: The Completion Process.
Also, these traumas relative to food, like any other trauma, cause us to fragment. In order to drastically improve our relationship with food, we have to create integration and harmony between these polarized selves. We have internal fragments specifically around the topic of food. I suggest you watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease and apply the processes put forth in that video specifically to issues related to food. Facing and integrating the trauma you have at the root of your negative relationship with food reveals the most powerful steps we can take personally to improve our relationship with food.
Imagine that food is art. Art that is edible. Foods in and of themselves are an art form created by the earth itself and when food is prepared by someone to make a specific recipe or dish, it is an art piece created by whoever makes it. For one week, commit to the practice of looking at food in the grocery store and deciding what to get as if you were at a gallery looking for the art that appealed the most to your senses. When you make food, do so with the idea that you are creating art and when you eat a dish that someone created for you, imagine it is edible art created by the artist who in this case is whoever prepared it. Hopefully, by the end of the week where you dedicate yourself to this practice, it will be the new second nature way you view food.
Practice mindful eating. Eating food is a somatic experience. It gives rise to all kinds of sensory experiences and sensations. When we are not fully present when we eat and when we eat too fast, we tune out this sensory experience and as a result, we do not experience our food fully. We take it for granted. We don’t extract the full richness out of it. We can’t tell how our bodies respond to certain foods.
When you sit down to eat, give yourself time to do it. The cultures that are the healthiest regarding food dedicate long periods of time to only eating. They do not eat on the run or in a rush. Slow down and focus 100% on the experience of eating the food. With no distractions, focus on the look of it, the scents, textures, flavors, and sensations as if you were on a foreign planet trying something for the first time. And eat slowly. A good trick is t put the fork down between every bite. Make sure to chew the food completely and really savor it without being focused on anything else. Really enjoying your food will dramatically change the relationship you have to your food.
With any food, whether it is something singular like a peach, or something complex like a curry, try to imagine, sense, taste or feel every single thing that went into it. For example, to get a peach to your table it had to start as a seed. It had to have soil and sunlight and rain from the clouds and the energy from the farmers who grew it and the energy of the truck that drove it to the store. What people don’t realize is that a single peach is made of these elements. If you are super attuned, you can taste the season and the rain cloud and the sunlight in a peach. You can also taste the focus that a farmer had towards the specific peach. The amount of effort that went into the creation of this one single thing is mind blowing. You are ingesting all of that energy. Imagine tracing the food backwards from your table to its origin like a story line. When you are doing this with a whole dish, like a curry, do this with every ingredient in the dish.
Get more sensitive and begin the art of intuitive eating and food purchasing. A good relationship with food means a communication between your emotions, body, mind and the food you are eating. You need to start feeling to be sensitive enough to be intuitive about eating. I suggest that you watch my video titled How To Feel if you struggle with this. And apply the practices set forth in the video specifically to meal times. When you go to the grocery store, notice what your body is asking for. Notice how you feel about specific foods. One day, beans may be exactly what your body is saying it intuitively wants. The next day, it may not want beans at all. One day the broccoli might feel vital and full of life, the next day you may sense that it is unhealthy or was handled in an abusive way. Notice what foods are upsetting to your body and emotions and should probably be avoided.
Pay attention to the feeling of being full and the feeling of being hungry so you can listen to you body’s natural cues about when to eat and how much. The closer of a relationship you have with your emotions, the easier it will be to feel if you are choosing foods specifically to emotionally cope with not getting some other need met that is in fact the real need in a given moment. When we cover over an emotion with food, we lose the opportunity to hear what the emotion is telling us and respond to the actual need it is trying to convey. Most of us are actually pretty good at “attuning” to foods if we put our attention on it. Most of us simply don’t take the time to attune with and communicate with our food so we allow our subconscious to rule our food choices. The more alive a food is and unprocessed it is, the easier it is to communicate with and feel.
Learn as much as you can about food, especially the positive things about each food. Knowledge is empowerment. Foods are not only art; they are also the building blocks of your wellbeing. They are not only a source of enjoyment; they are also medicine. You will have a whole new relationship with lemons for example when you learn that they can be used to detoxify, reduce inflammation, stimulate digestion, lighten hair, increase immunity and soothe a sore throat.
You will have a whole new relationship with stir fry when you learn that what gives an amazing stir fry dish its signature flavor is the pan it is cooked in. And that a great wok is never washed so the flavors of every meal seep into the pores of the metal itself and because of this, the flavor cannot be re-produced in any other pan. These woks are considered family heirlooms passed from generation to generation.
Grow you own food and cook your own food. Some of you will not like growing your own food and others will. Some of you will not like cooking and others will. You can still have a wonderful relationship with food and not grow food or cook. But it is incredible how much depth is added to the relationship between you and what you eat by growing and cooking your own food. Just for the sake of improving your relationship with both, try both. If there is no way to do that, watch videos created by people who do love it and are passionate about the process of growing food. Try cooking. Start with something super simple and if you like it, try more complex recipes. You can also watch videos of people cooking and soak up the passion they have for it.
Stop punishing yourself for what you ate. There is nothing you can do about it. Guilt can only serve to inform you of what you think is right and wrong for you. Guilt is an indication that you did something that you think was wrong to do. Either let go and make a different choice now or change your perspective about it having been a wrong choice. The more stress you have around eating, the worse the relationship is between you and food. Exercising super hard or swinging the pendulum to eat hardly anything so as to make up for what you did after indulging is a recipe for disaster. It puts your body in a yo-yo energetically and physically, which is very bad for the body. Dieting and exercise can be used as a serious form of self-control and self-punishment. It is also self-punishment to keep any problem foods you may have in the house in the same way that it is a problem to keep alcohol around if you are alcoholic.
Make your relationship with your food personal. Everyone’s relationship to food will be unique and their own. Take time to develop this unique relationship. What is food about for you? You will have a different relationship to food than your partner, your best friend, your mother and your boss. You will have different dietary needs at different times. You will have different preferences. Let your relationship be totally yours instead of constantly comparing and trying to make their relationship the same as your own.
As your consciousness and sensitivity increases, you will be much more sensitive to certain foods. Certain foods will be appealing and certain foods will no longer be possible for you to eat. But the energy of restricting yourself creates a painful relationship with food. So, with the exception of foods that are a NO for you personally, practice moderation instead of self-prevention. If you love French fries for example, have some. If someone ordered dessert, let yourself have a spoonful. Do it at the right time when you are not starving and not desperate to use food to emotionally escape from the way you feel.
Never deprive yourself of food on purpose. It may make you feel in control to fast, but if fasting is done to try to control your body instead of out of love for your body, it signals the body to feel shame and also signals it that it is going to be deprived, so it needs to store food. This means eat regularly. Some people feel better eating small bits throughout the day. Others feel better eating three meals. Others feel good eating two, but at different times during the day than standard meal times. Let yourself eat.
Allow food time to be a social experience. Allow it to be a way to give and receive love. Food brings us together. It has the capacity to unite people. It is a demonstration of love. Both love from the earth to us and from person to person. No matter what culture we come from, continent we live on or opinion we disagree on, one thing we can all agree on is good food. Build up friendships with people who have a similar taste in food and relationship to food. And let eating be a time of mutually enjoying the art of food. Let it be a shared experience.
Eat specifically to feel good and eat what makes you feel good. Think about that for a minute because living with this philosophy will drastically change the relationship you have with food for the better. For example, eat what gives you energy and don’t eat what makes you feel sluggish. Do not eat according to change the measurement on a scale or to do what you mentally know you ‘should or shouldn’t do’. Pay very close attention to how foods make you feel.
Start a food diary so as to become as conscious as possible about your relationship to food. Keep track of your meals and even snacks between meals. With each one, write down what you ate, what the environment that you ate in was like, how the food tasted, looked, sounded and smelled and how it made you feel. Describe how much you liked the experience of eating that meal from one to ten and explain why you chose that specific rating.
Mealtime is a sacred part of life. It is a sacred practice. In order to develop a good relationship with food, the rituals that you develop around it should be special and should be designed for pleasure. Anything you personally want to do to enhance the sacredness of this practice in your life, do so. For example, you could put special effort into making or having specific foods at specific holidays. You can ensure that meal times are a time when every member of the family stops what they are doing to have a joint experience. You could choose to eat in bowls and cutlery that are beautiful to you. You could drink out of cups that are fun to drink out of. You could take your take out food out of the box it came in and eat it on some china. You could deepen your love of and knowledge of specific ingredients. You could go out of your way to get special ingredients. You could eat with the seasons. Ask yourself this question each time you eat: How could I make this eating experience even more special and even more enjoyable?
How you feel about the entire process of growing or purchasing foods to preparing foods to eating foods will determine to what degree we are nourished by foods and nourished by the experience of eating. Eating is much more about nourishing your soul, emotions, mind and body, as it is a tool to stay alive. The more pleasure you allow it to bring you, the better your relationship with food will be.
We want to create the life we want. But why is it so hard? We become so confused as to why we are not manifesting the things we want in life. That is because we do not have self-awareness about our own resistance. We are not conscious of the actual relationship we have with things in our life.
Resistance is any oppositional force. We can meet with opposition from the outside and we can meet with opposition from the inside. Obviously resistance from the outside is external people, events and circumstances opposing you. But internal and external resistance go hand in hand. The resistance we encounter on the outside is a reflection of internal resistance that exists, usually internal resistance that we are unaware of. To understand resistance in depth, watch my video titled: Urgent, Deal With Your Resistance Before You Do Anything Else.
The resistance we have makes for a strained relationship with whatever we are in resistance to. We cannot make money and have a bad attitude about money any more than we can have a good marriage and have a bad attitude towards our partner. Resistant energies pull against what we want.
Life consists entirely of relationships. We are in a relationship with everything in existence. Therefore everything can be looked at like a relationship. We have a much better relationship with certain things than other things. We have to become aware of the resistance we have and consciously dissolve that resistance if we want to manifest something in our lives. For this reason, one of the best exercises you can do is to become more aware of the relationship you have with each aspect of your life.
To do this exercise, you are going to examine the relationship you have to any aspect of your life in the following way: _____________ I think you are ____________. For example, Money, I think you are (and then list all the things you think about money). Be as brutally honest as you can. Make the list as long as you can. Feel free to put positive things and negative things in the list. Just don’t try to make it balanced. The truth is that if you were more balanced in your actual thoughts about things, you would be in a different place than you are in terms of your manifestations. This is about becoming aware of the truth of where you are. It’s really interesting to see how relative to some things your lists will be nearly entirely positive and relative to other things, they will be nearly entirely negative. This is not the time to be politically correct. Allow yourself to be brutally honest, raw, unfiltered and un-evolved.
Once you have compiled this list, look at the overall vibration of what you have written. It is a reflection of the manifestation of that aspect of your life. Now, imagine being on the other side of the list you wrote, as if you were the thing being written about. How would you feel towards you? Especially take note of whether you would feel like coming closer or going further away from you? Assuming the universe wanted to bring you what you want, how does the universe feel about bringing that thing into your life?
An example of how this might look is: Women Friends, I think you are conniving, impossible to make it work with, temporary, incapable of creating resolve for conflicts, bitchy, jealous, devious, false, fake, unpredictable, physically beautiful, likely to betray me and everyone else for that matter, manipulative, just looking for the opportunity to stab me in the back and use any vulnerability I’ve shared with them against me, can understand the problems I’m having with men, can relate to most of the struggles I face, competitive for no reason, gossipy, horrible with money, have terrible priorities, flirty, conspire against me and gang up against me, petty, stupid about things there is no reason to be stupid about, like driving cars.
If this list were being written about me, I would feel like never being around Teal. I would actually feel like turning against her in fact. If I were the universe, the message I’d be getting from Teal is: ‘I hate women friends, do not get them anywhere near me. Keep them far away so I can look at them’. It would be obvious that Teal is a match to manifesting women in her life that are not actually looking for friendship with her. It would be obvious that Teal has a lot of healing to do relative to women and traumas that occurred in early life with women. If Teal wants to manifest women friends, these oppositional thoughts, beliefs, traumas, and actions she takes as a result of them, must be worked with directly so the resistance present within her no longer holds her out of the vibrational range to actually manifest women friends.
Do this exercise relative to anything you want to manifest in your life and even relative to things you have manifested in your life. You can do it with literally anything. Some examples of some good subjects to do this with are: Money, romantic relationships, mom, dad, society, the universe or God, spirit guides, marriage, cars, food, exercise, meditation, the government, the city you live in, your career, your body, your health, life in general, family, emotions, your mind, how you look, your hobbies, your home, your community, your kids, your partner.
In order to manifest something you want, you must have a positive relationship with that thing. You don’t need to immediately know how to do that. Most of my content is actually about how to do that. First, simply become aware of the relationship you have with every aspect of your life and then the conscious work to improve each one of those relationships begins. The life you are wanting is waiting for you on the other side.
Everyone wants a life that feels good. If you haven’t noticed however, creating a life that feels good seems to be easier in theory than it is in practice. There are some elements that add up to a happy life for all people but besides those things, the ingredients that make up a happy life are completely unique to each person. That being said, there are some definite things that add up to an unhappy life for all people and living according to strategy is one of them.
I want you to imagine a person in a company wanting to climb the corporate ladder. Chances are they will try to come up with a strategy to achieve that goal of getting what they want. That strategy is carried out with a ‘means to an end’ attitude. When we are approaching getting what we want in a way where the ends justify the means, what we do is bulldoze the parts of ourselves that don’t want to and don’t enjoy doing something. We play a zero sum game with those parts within ourselves. We do things we don’t like to do and don’t want to do in order to get what we want. Most of us will find ourselves in scenarios like this on planet earth at some point. For example, if we really want a driver’s license, we will stand in line at the DMV, something that no one wants to do. This does not make us happy at all. But it is tolerable because most of us only do that one time in several years. But imagine if every day of your life was lived this way, where the majority of the time you were doing something you didn’t like and didn’t want to do for something you wanted.
Most people on the planet today live a life where they spend the vast majority of their time doing something that they don’t like and don’t want to do as a means to getting to some end that they do want. This is the story of most people’s careers. We do something we don’t like in order to get what we do want which is money. There is no way to have a happy life if you are living this way. People simply choose to settle in this way because they have been taught to believe that this is what all people do and that there is no other option. It is a reality that some people are in more difficult positions than others in terms of getting out of this strategy for getting what we want. This is especially true if we learned that doing what we don’t want to do was the correct strategy to use in order to get what we wanted when we were little. But difficult position aside, it must be understood that in order to have a happy life, all people must strive to have a life where the strategy taken to getting what you want is different than doing something you don’t like and don’t want to do to get it.
I’m going to give you an analogy. Imagine you want to get to the Ocean. But you are convinced that the only way to get to the ocean is by going through an industrial waste dump. You really hate industrial waste dumps. You will have to spend hours walking through the waste dump to end up at the ocean. The first time, you take this road; it will feel worth it to be at the ocean. The second, it will feel less worth it. The third, even less worth it. And eventually it will feel not worth it at all. You will realize that you spend most of your time unhappy and you will begin to resent that you have to walk through the waste dump to get to the ocean. It is a human principal that once you get what you want, the means will feel less and less like they are justified by the ends.
What we have to do if we want to have a happy life is we have to adopt a different strategy. We have to do whatever we possibly can to find a means that we enjoy to get to the ends we want. Using the analogy. We hate the industrial waste dump. We may love a desert trail. We have to find a desert trail that leads us to the ocean so that we are enjoying what we are doing to get what we want. When this is the case, we want both. The happiest people on this earth and I would dare say the most successful in terms of living life itself are those that take this even further. They try to find a way of getting what they want that they like even better than getting what they want. For example, they want money, like all people. But they find a way of making money or even invent a way to make money doing something that they love much more than getting the money. This is why the best questions you can ask yourself are: What would I do if I never got paid a single dime to do it? And if someone gave me 5 million dollars today, what would I do with my time, now that I no longer have to do anything so that I have money? It will usually be the same answer for both questions. Get creative about how to use that answer as a means to making money. It is simply your mind telling you that it is impossible to make money doing those things.
I can promise you that a long time ago, someone would tell a person, who answered this question with “I would travel and eat”, that they had to get practical because they would never ever be able to make money that way. But that was before the career of food journalism was invented. People in general are so limited by the idea of what is and isn’t possible. People are even more limited by the idea that they couldn’t possibly be the one to create a new possibility that does not yet exist.
If we meet our needs and achieve our wants in round about ways, such as doing what we don’t want to do to in order to get them, we will end up unhappy. We will also greatly damage our relationships. This failing strategy is in fact the heart of manipulation. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Meet your needs.
We use this losing strategy so often relative to all kinds of things as people. Here are just a few examples: We volunteer to do something we hate to do just to get the praise we crave from someone. We work a job we hate in order to get money. We don’t follow our dreams, instead we stick close to home with one of our parents and live our lives the way they want us to live it so we can get a sense of approval from them. We spend years in college studying something we don’t even have a passion for so we can have credibility and accolades. We quit our job and become a stay at home mom so that we can see ourselves as a good mom. Or the opposite, we want to be a stay at home mom but we get a job instead so we can get societal esteem. We stay in a relationship that is abusive, in order to get security. The questions to ask yourself are: What do I really want? What am I currently doing in order to get what I want? What are the ways that I am doing what I don’t want to do in order to get what I want?
We have to adopt a different strategy than this because it is unsustainable. There is no way to maintain it long term without huge consequences. If you want a happy life, you’ve got to love not only getting what you want, but also what you do in order to get what you want.
Anyone who observes social groups can tell you that within a social group, patterns and dynamics begin to appear and people begin to fall into roles within the social group. These roles, dynamics and patterns are very resistant to change. Some of these roles, dynamics and patterns are much more damaging and dysfunctional than others. One of the most dysfunctional of them is a triangle dynamic that arises in situations where there is any conflict, where every person involved in the conflict is essentially forced to take one of three roles or classic characters relative to one another; the victim, the hero or the villain. And this is how we subconsciously see the world. We subconsciously see all people at any given moment as divided into one of these three positions.
The human ego’s #1 enemy is shame. Ego is essentially nothing more than self-concept. And we must see ourselves as good. To understand more about this, watch my videos titled: Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening and The #1 Relationship Obstacle and How to Dissolve It. But some people are raised in dysfunctional households that were founded on shame. When this is the case, the root of every person’s self concept in the household, no matter what role they play in the household is shame. In other words, the narcissist has a self-concept of shame. The codependent has a self-concept of shame. The golden child has a self-concept of shame. The scapegoat has a self-concept of shame. The lost child has a self-concept of shame. And the dysfunction of their lives is maintained by the fact that they then try, in every dysfunctional way they can, to get away from that shame. But what happens is that the closest they can get to feeling as if they are good is to be a victim or to be a rescuer, also known as a hero.
We see the victim as the underdog; they are always the powerless, innocent good guy. When we are so dysfunctional that our self-concept is so low that we can only access the feeling of being good when we are a victim, we actually begin a vortex of dysfunctional creation in our lives where we create scenarios where we are not actually the victim, but we feel and act like we are. This is the classic victim control dynamic. And we also begin to attract constant scenarios where we are the victim, such as accidents. Our lives will be full of villains.
We also see the hero as the good guy. So many people enter the healing field because by being the healer they get to play out this role of being the hero. Our self-concept is so low that the only access we have to feeling like a good person is being the rescuer and the hero. It involves courage, action, nobility, morality and selflessness. But we actually begin a vortex of dysfunctional creation in our lives where we are roped into victim control dynamics where we defend a false victim against a false villain. We become self-righteous and justify the cruelty we exact upon the villain because we tell ourselves they deserved it. By doing this we actually become the villain but don’t see ourselves as such. We may make people sick or cause them to collapse just so we can heal them and save them. We enable people’s dysfunction because when they are in a weak and dysfunctional pattern, we get to feel good about ourselves. And in order to do that, we have to have someone that we are defending the victim against. Our lives will be full of nothing but victims and villains.
What makes this triangle so obnoxious is that one role automatically creates the other because none of them exist in a void. They need each other to exist. There is no such thing as a victim without it being implied that there is a villain. So the second someone slips into any of these roles, the others are automatically created, whether someone likes it or not. The victim needs a savior and it needs a bad guy. The savior needs someone to defend, a victim and someone to defend the victim against, the villain. And guess what? If someone decides not to play the game and not to fit into any of these roles, that decision automatically makes them a bystander to injustice and so they are cast in the role of another villain on the spot.
In a dysfunctional household, these roles are constantly being played out. For just one classic example, a dysfunctional adult will pull a victim control dynamic and perceive themselves to be the victim to the scapegoat child (who is therefore the villain), making the golden child become their defender against the scapegoat child, making the golden child the hero. We become identified with these roles and tend to play out the role/character we were most commonly cast in within our dysfunctional home all throughout our life, including our adulthood.
This triad dynamic between the victim, hero and villain is responsible for the psychology of triangulation, the dynamic where one person splits two other people, pitting them against one another.
This triangle from hell dynamic arises out of conflict or perceived conflict. When we feel trapped in a conflict, it is usually because we are caught in this triangle dynamic. The triangle is the position of non-movement because the dynamic itself is not conducive to resolution. Each person’s argument or story in each of the roles makes the others stuck in their respective position.
There both is and isn’t such a thing as true victimization. Because even in cases where there is a genuine victim, the perpetrator was a victim… It is what led them to their crime. We are all just the victim of victims. But this being said, victimization is actually the rarity. What is common is conflict. In a situation where conflict occurs, the needs of both people or parties are being threatened. This naturally makes both sides of the conflict feel innocent and feel powerless. It triggers our fight or flight or freeze mechanism and due to that powerlessness, it often makes us naturally want to find someone to rescue us or side with us against the other person who we perceive (due to our own feeling of powerlessness) to be more powerful than us at that moment. We feel we need to be defended. This opens the door for the hero role to be filled. We naturally then blame the person on the other side of that conflict and by doing so; open up the door for the person on the opposite side of the conflict to fill the role of the villain.
The villain role is all about power and control. Every negative trait we assign to the villain is associated with power and control. And like it or not, we all have this within us. If we feel like a victim, we begin to behave in ways to try to gain back the power and control we believe we lost and by doing so, become villains. We become self-centered and fight for our needs and our needs alone without regard to impact on any other parties. We believe them to be separate from us. If we feel like a hero, we are doing all of these things but justifying it as the right thing to do. If you watch any super hero action film, if you take away the ‘in the name of what is right’ aspect of the character, you will have a villain. You will have someone who kills, steals and by society’s standards should be in prison for their actions.
The villain always comes with a background story. A reason why they believe what they are doing is right. For example, we call terrorists villains when people of their same ideological persuasion see them as saviors. Every villain’s story will reveal that they are the victim or perceive themselves to be, which justifies their actions. Therefore, a villain is as much a hero in disguise as a hero is a villain in disguise. All that makes them different is how we judge them and judgment is highly, highly subjective.
Social groups are being divided beyond repair by this dynamic. These roles force all members of a group to pick a side for and a side against. They create a zero sum game in which the goal becomes I win - you lose. But because no one will be ok with losing in a scenario like this, it breeds revenge. Revenge makes it a guarantee that a win-lose game will eventually prove to be a lose-lose game. Every war ever started was started from this dynamic.
In order to solve this dynamic and break free from the stuck ness of the triangle, we need to seek resolve instead of victory for our own needs. We need to step back and consciously see the role that we are playing in it. We need to start recognizing conflict as simply an opposition of needs between two parties, both of whom will feel like the victim in a needs conflict. Being aware of that, we need to not get sucked into the fragmentation of hero, victim and villain as a result of the conflict arising. We need to see that the objective truth is that we are all victims, villains and heroes. We have seeds of all within us. We cannot identify with any one role. We need to see that if both the person we perceive to be the victim in the situation and the person we perceive to be the villain in the story feel like they are the victim, there is a much more complex situation at hand than meets the eye. We need to stop seeing the bad guy as the bad guy and instead see them as someone who we must work directly with to identify a solution with.
We need to begin to own our needs and feelings as our own. This means we need to become aware of and value and communicate our needs directly. Not complain to other people about our victimized position. We have to risk the discomfort of confronting someone or a problem directly. We also need to see that our needs might conflict with someone else’s needs. If this is the case, we do not get to make them the villain simply because our needs are not their needs. Being accountable for our own feelings and needs means really owning them instead of making them someone else’s responsibility. For example, “you are so self-centered” is a victim statement. It creates no opening for resolve. “I feel as if my needs are not getting considered and I need them to be” is a statement in which no victim or villain is created, except feelings and needs were clearly stated. It puts the problem that needs to be resolved on the table in plain view.
We need to shift our attitude when approaching a conflict. We need to drop our idea of what is right or wrong entirely. Instead we need to adopt an attitude of How do we ensure that the needs of both parties are met? If they can’t be met, how do we make it so both parties at least feel good or resolved and can move forward with the situation? In a conflict, anyone involved can so easily slip into any of the three roles in this triangle from hell. All of us involved in a conflict need to see ourselves as partners in a conflict. Partners who all have the common goal of resolution and harmony and everyone having their needs met. We need to take the other person as well as their story as if they were a part of us. We need to put ourselves in their shoes. Through mutual understanding, the resolution can actually arise. If we are used to these roles in a conflict, especially if this was the way we were taught to approach conflict in our dysfunctional childhood homes, this will take a lot of practice and conscious awareness. But the happiness and longevity of our relationships absolutely depends on it.
We need to see that the minute we see ourselves as the victim or the hero, we automatically make a villain. And that pigeon holes them. Because you are the one making them the bad guy, you are attacking their sense of self. Therefore, they will feel like your victim and they will see you as the villain. Behaviors they perceive as self-defense will be seen by us as attack and further fuel our idea that they are the villain. It becomes a cycle that only spirals and solidifies the roles until all parties involved are split and fragmented beyond repair. Resolution becomes impossible.
The second that any conflict arises let it be an alarm bell alerting you to the extreme risk of falling into this pattern, the triangle from hell of the victim, hero and villain. Ask yourself honestly are you somewhere on this triangle already in this conflict? Accept that we are all victims and at the same time villains in every conflict. We are all innocent and we are all at the same time guilty. Our needs are being threatened and so are theirs. There is no one to defend and no one to fight against. All there is, is a problem to be solved. Commit to stepping back from those roles so as to find resolution to the problem instead.
Being valued socially is critical for us as people. This is true at our most fundamental level because even at a biological and evolutionary level, we are a relationally dependent species. Our survival and even more than that, our wellbeing, was dependent upon our social group. It was dependent upon us being valued enough by the social group that they would participate in the meeting of our needs. Only if we are valued do we get the things we genuinely need on a physical, emotional and mental level… Things like significance, belonging, physical touch, love and caretaking when we are young or sick to start. These are things that a person cannot live without. We need them. But this puts us in a double bind. It means we end up having to win their favor and try to become whatever the society we are raised in values.
Whether we like it or not and whether we want to admit it or not, what human society values the most about a woman is her looks. It matters whether she is considered beautiful, attractive and or sexy. Even the extreme effort we put into combating this with ‘it’s what’s on the inside that counts’ campaigns and the body positive movement and promoting the idea that we should care about something deeper that skin level and even the fact that we have tried to promote the idea that if you care about that, you are not a good person, proves the degree to which this is imbedded not only in our society but even biology.
From the minute that a little girl enters the world, the focus goes to whether she is pretty or not. And she is raised into a society that teaches her either directly or indirectly that a very specific thing is considered beautiful and desirable and worthy of notice and also care. She has one option then. To try to fit into that box and be what society considers to be beautiful and desirable, or suffer the consequences.
These consequences are reinforced and also threatened constantly by other people in society all the time. They are reinforced by parents, teachers, peers, companies and media. This means that women who cannot make themselves fit into the tiny box of looks that would make them be valued in that way, are essentially fighting a losing battle with significance. It means that most women are spending their whole lives feeling insecure about their bodies and their value, striving to fit into that box and competing with one another. It means that the women who do fit into that tiny box spend their lives feeling as if no one actually cares about them at all and that they are doomed to lose their value one day and be a commodity until that point.
We have to stop telling the story that looks don’t matter. Because at this point, regardless of whether it should or shouldn’t matter, the reality is that it does matter to people at this point in time. It is a gaslight to tell someone that it doesn’t matter. Reality out in the world will show her otherwise.
It is our attachment to our own ego’s desire to see ourselves as good to pretend like we are the one exception for whom looks doesn’t matter. It is also our own ego’s desire to pretend that we don’t put incredible effort into specifically making ourselves attractive and desirable.
The reality is that it does matter. It matters whether we want it to matter or not. And this puts women, regardless of whether they are considered to be the most beautiful or the least beautiful in an incredible double bind. We want the very thing that we resent so intensely.
Either we turn against our bodies and resort to plastic surgery or extreme diet regimens or spending tons of money on products that hold the promise of looking good. Or we spend our life campaigning against the fact that society cares so much about our looks. Or we cope by trying to ‘make it ok’. When we do this, we accept that the reality is that we are commodities and suppress the aspect of us that resents it. We allow ourselves to be treated like sexual objects or trophies in a kind of transaction to get what we want in exchange.
As a woman, it feels like a prison where we simultaneously don’t want the very thing we want. It creates an incredible internal tension. We want it to change. But the risk we take is losing value by taking the necessary steps to change it. We want to be significant, wanted, noticed, valued and considered attractive. So we take actions to look as good as we possibly can. We may try to deny that we want it, because we have been shamed into believing that wanting it also makes us bad.
Pretending that we don’t want the attention and to be desired in that way is a real shadow in the female race. A woman doesn’t deserve to be the victim of sexual violence because she has dressed in a way to attract attention. But women really need to own that if they dress in specific ways and act in specific ways it is because they are trying to get the attention and significance and value they need. The flip side of this however is that we become commodities.
Women fuel this emphasis on looks equating to value with each other. We actually peer pressure each other into it while simultaneously competing with each other for it. But men engrain it into women to a degree where it feels beyond our capacity to transcend. In general men make it such an obvious priority and such an obvious value that they put us into a position to have to compete for their attention and praise. Speaking as one of the women who has fit squarely into that tiny little box of looks that society values, I can personally attest to the fact that men will flock to a beautiful woman with absolutely no regard for her desires, thoughts, or whether he is actually compatible to her or not. And this is done because a beautiful women serves in society to boost his self esteem and also status relative to other men.
As women, we want our looks to be valued. At the same time, we resent that we are valued, especially first and foremost for our looks. I will never forget the day that myself and a group of other women all had a conversation about this fact. We all mutually felt disgusted about it. None of us wanted to participate in this game anymore. But what was even more terrifying is that each and every one of us still had such a strong need to be valued that none of us decided to go out to dinner that night in sweatpants. True to form, we all put on makeup and the clothes that we felt made us the most attractive and sat there at the restaurant table in shame about just how deep our attachment to looks and need to be valued for them really was.
Today, I am not creating a video to provide you with a solution. Instead, I am creating a video to enhance awareness. I am proposing that we all collectively admit to this reality that value relative to women is primarily equated to looks. I am proposing that we, both men and women, see when we are prioritizing this value. I am proposing that we, as women, see just how deep this need to be valued in this way goes. I am proposing that if we decide to present ourselves in a way to gain attention, be wanted, sexually desired, praised and be valued for our looks, that we need to do it purposefully and consciously. And I propose that both women and men see that women are in a double bind; a very, very painful double bind. We want to be valued for our looks and at the same time, we resent that we are so valued for our looks.
We are conceived in connection. We are suckled in the security and warmth of connection from the very moment that our mothers hold us against their breast. We cannot perceive the difference between them and ourselves, so it is then, in that state of oneness, that we are the closest to who and what we really are. So close that we don’t even bother to ask the question, “Who am I?” There’s no need to do so because we are not differentiated. But this is where it ends. We begin the process of seeing ourselves as separate to every other thing around us in the physical dimension. When this begins, we all experienced a fall from grace. The grace we fell from was that deep, visceral sense of connection. We taste loneliness for the very first time.
Loneliness is something that all people experience; the question is to what degree. There is a kind of loneliness that can be remedied by simply being around other people and there is a kind of loneliness that can’t. It is this second form of loneliness, the kind that exists even when we are in a crowded room, that causes us to truly suffer. This loneliness is a genuine sense of isolation. It is this form of loneliness that needs to find resolve. For this reason, I have written a book. I have called it the Anatomy of Loneliness. In this book, I reveal quite literally the anatomy of loneliness, what specifically creates loneliness and how to resolve those things so as to create lasting connection with other people. This book is available through my website www.tealswan.com and every other online book retailer such as Barnes and Noble, Booktopia and Amazon if you want to learn about loneliness in depth and in great detail as well as how to find your way back to connection, I highly suggest that you pick up a copy of the book.
The anatomy of genuine loneliness is composed of three distinct parts or pillars. The first is Separation. The second is shame. The third is Fear. Separation is the heart of all loneliness. Everything else serves to enhance it. Though the story of separation began far before your physical incarnation, separation is the recognition of self vs. other, which just so happens to be the birth of the ego. It is a state of fragmentation. This fragmentation does not just take place externally relative to yourself and other things in the world. It also takes place internally. The fragmentation that takes place within each person, a fragmentation that creates internal disunity, causes us to separate off from certain parts of ourselves and those parts feel ostracized, rejected, disowned and isolated. As a result, because we cannot actually eradicate them from us, we feel the intense loneliness and isolation and rejection that those parts within us feel. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
The second part of loneliness is shame. Most people think that shame is solely a mental and emotional response to self-diminishing experiences, beliefs, and thoughts. The truth is shame is much more primal than that and it’s more debilitating because shame is the mechanism of fragmentation. To understand shame, imagine a sea anemone. If you poke a sea anemone with your finger, it immediately has a reaction and that is to pinch itself closed. This reaction happens at an instinctual level. It happens without the sea anemone having to think about making it happen. It’s an organic biological affective reaction. Shame is actually a primitive reaction encoded in your organism, just like your fight or flight mechanism. And interestingly, so is love. When we experience shame, we push ourselves away. But we can’t do that in actuality. All we can do is to cause our own consciousness to spit. When we feel the secondary layer of shame, the emotion of shame, we withdraw from other people. We make ourselves impossible to access for them. We either do this through avoidance or by being completely inauthentic so people only ever interact with a façade. Either way, we experience extreme loneliness as a result.
The third part of loneliness is Fear. Fear is inherently about separation. By its very nature, it is to push something or someone away from you. And fear is the number one most isolating experience on the planet. The more fearful we are, the more alone we are. Fears about relationships or about other people simply serve to separate us from people and make us lonely when it comes to human contact. People have four primary fears when it comes to relationships. They are:
Rejection or disapproval.
Being Trapped In Pain
Loss of self, also called enmeshment.
It is impossible to fear the unknown. This means that the fear that is keeping us lonely is a hold over from a previous traumatic situation we have already experienced. It is not about the unknown. It is about something we project into the unknown. This means that resolving fear is much more about resolving past experiences and fearful beliefs you have inherited from other people than it is about anything else. And it is critical to know that it is impossible to push through fear so as to connect in spite of it. This only enhances fear and therefore loneliness because it causes you to oppose and therefore separate further from your fear, which is inherently a part of you.
Connection can be thought of as a link with something else where you perceive a link or association between yourself and that other thing. In a state of oneness, you cannot be connected any more than you can be disconnected because you are everything else and everything else is you. In other words, in a state of oneness, there is no need for connection. But seeing as how we experience life through our individual perspective, we must create connection before restoring ourselves to a state where we perceive ourselves to be one with everything.
When it comes to making a genuine connection with someone else, that link is consciously chosen and wanted by both people who are deciding to be linked together. Our connection can exist at any level of our being. We can be mentally linked, emotionally linked, energetically linked, or physically linked. When we disconnect, we break that link we have to another person on whatever level we disconnect, if not all levels. Because genuine connection is a link to someone that is consciously chosen, not forced upon us, we have to focus on choosing to create it as well as on keeping it. Our happiness in our individual lives depends upon our capacity to be connected. Our survival as a human race depends on our capacity to be connected. Right now, loneliness is an epidemic. It is an epidemic with devastating implications.
The pain of the human condition is that we walk this earth with multiple billions of other people and yet each of us feels alone. Because of the trauma of our own disconnection, we perceive ourselves to be disconnected from anything we see as “other”. It’s enough that this disconnection causes us pain. But the truth is, it doesn’t stop there. This pain of disconnection bleeds out across the planet. If you are truly connected to something, you cannot cause it pain without causing yourself pain too. When we perceive ourselves to be disconnected, we no longer feel the ripple of oneness that is our fundamental truth. We no longer feel the impact that everything has on us and that we have on everything else and as a result, we can cause something or someone else pain without perceiving that pain in ourselves.
The concept that there is something dangerous and painful about being disconnected might seem theoretical and abstract until you realize that this is the reason that, for years, many countries were completely segregated. People with dark skin were taken from their families and kept as slaves, burnt, beaten, and hung. This is why in the 1940s, Auschwitz and other death camps were created to contain and exterminate Jews and other demographics that opposed the Nazi Regime.
Disconnection is what caused the US to drop a nuclear bomb on Hiroshima in 1945. It’s why as of 1979, PolPot’s regime had eliminated 21% of Cambodia’s entire population. And today, disconnection is the reason that a man can train for years for the single task of strapping a bomb to his own body and exploding it, himself along with it, in an attack aimed to create terror and destruction to whomever he has decided is his enemy.
Every crime that was ever committed came about because the person committing it perceived himself or herself to be separate from and disconnected from the person they committed that crime against. And so it can be said that the perception of separateness is not only the greatest pain we experience in this life, it’s also the single most dangerous thing on the planet. The time has come to end loneliness within our human race. And it begins with healing it within ourselves.
Codependency is a topic that is constantly discussed in relationship psychology and addiction groups. It is treated as a dysfunction or a psychological disorder, much like narcissism. Codependency and narcissism go hand in hand. Codependency is not something that can be briefly explained because it is an entire style or way of having relationships. It is a style of relationship to oneself, the world and the other people in the world. It is a style that is engrained early on in childhood and maintained into adulthood. It is the byproduct of adapting to dysfunctional human relationships. But I have bad news for you. Dysfunctional relationships are in fact the most common style of relationship today. They are the rule, not the exception.
A dysfunctional relationship is a relationship in which needs are met in ways that are destructive to the wellbeing of either person involved in the relationship. For example, a person may learn to meet their own needs for closeness by denying their personal truth. Or a person may meet their need to never be abandoned by keeping someone sick so they can’t ever leave because they are dependent on the caretaking they receive. Or a person may meet the other person’s need to feel good about themselves by keeping themselves small. The list could be five miles long of all the ways that a relationship could be dysfunctional in nature. A codependent relationship, and the style of relationship that a person we call codependent exhibits, is dysfunctional in nature. It is destructive to their wellbeing and the wellbeing of the person they are in a relationship with. We can only say that dependency has anything to do with codependency if the way we are depending on someone is destructive to our self or to them.
But there is a common misconception that people have relative to codependency that I want to dispel today. That concept is that codependency is about being too dependent on other people. The fact is I really wish the name for this style of relationships would be changed because it implies that dependency is the problem. In fact many people define codependency as an excessive reliance on a partner. This is actually not the case. Where they are getting this from is that people with a codependent style of being have a very poor sense of self. Their relationship strategy is to give themselves up in order to be in relationship, which never works. It just makes for a horribly painful and destructive relationship.
Those of us who inhabit the Western world have an addiction to independence. We are raised that having needs met by others makes us pathetic, powerless and weak. Many people in the Eastern world however are not raised with this belief. To understand this dynamic of dependence and independence, I suggest you watch some of my videos in order to be well versed on the subject. These videos are: Dependence Vs. Independence, Self Trust Vs. Independence, How Has It Come To This (The Societal Collapse Into Independence)? and Using People (Ask Teal Episode About Interdependence).
Whether you like it or not, you are completely dependent and you are also at the same time incapable of being dependent. In this universe, all is one. This means you are completely dependent on the food you eat to stay alive. You couldn’t be independent unless you ate yourself for breakfast. But that is also at a higher level of reality, exactly what you are doing. If all is one, then by eating the food on your plate this morning, you did eat yourself. So it is impossible to be dependent on anything other than you.
It is extremely open to interpretation to what degree depending on others is healthy and to what degree it is unhealthy. And it varies as well from case to case. For one person, depending on someone for something would be destructive to them or the other person in some way. For another, depending on someone for that very same thing would not be destructive to them or the other person in any way. This is the difference between symbiosis and unhealthy dependency.
For example, we might say that it is really unhealthy to depend on someone to the degree that they have to do everything for us, like brush our teeth for us and get us dressed and feed us. This may be destructive to our own sense of capability and empowerment. But what if you are a child? What if you are paraplegic? Suddenly being dependent in these ways is not destructive, it is both necessary and also beneficial. We can therefore be in a fully symbiotic and not dysfunctional relationship if we find someone to be dependent on for those things, whose life is enhanced by doing those things instead of diminished by doing those things.
Another example is that we could say it is not healthy in a marriage for our partner to dedicate their life to our life. It could be dysfunctional if their focus is constantly on our career success and our needs and our wellbeing. But what if we are a politician or a person in a similar excessively demanding position? When this is the case, that kind of thing is exactly what we need in a partner. A relationship becomes dysfunctional the minute that we find ourselves with a partner who is made unhappy by being dedicated to us in that way. But if dedicating oneself to someone in this way enhances a person’s sense of happiness and purpose, it is perfectly functional. Lots of dysfunction in relationships owes itself to incompatibility. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Incompatibility (a Harsh Reality In Relationships).
Because we all come from different life circumstances and need different things in order to heal and we all find ourselves in different positions in life, our needs will be different. What may be dysfunctional for someone else may be perfectly healthy for us and vice versa. I have met couples who do not spend one minute apart and haven’t for years upon years who are perfectly functional and where being with each other all the time is not destructive to either person in any way. I have also met people who are with each other all the time and for them, it is dysfunctional and is destructive to one or both people.
It is always easy to project our own judgments about what we think is healthy or destructive onto them. We do this all the time without really seeing them and hearing them and feeling them and understanding them. I can guarantee you that if you really are able to perceive another person’s reality, your idea of what is healthy or destructive for them will change.
The elements of a dysfunctional relationship can only be called dysfunctional if they are destructive to either or both people involved in a relationship. This should be the primary concern within a relationship.
It is important to accept that codependency is not about how much time you spend with someone or the degree to which you depend on them. It is about the desperate and very real need for needs to be met, such as self-esteem, companionship and closeness, and the superbly unhealthy ways we go about trying to often manipulatively achieve those needs.
The ego is one of the biggest topics in spirituality. Nearly every spiritual teacher throughout history has taught about it. The ego in summary is the singular identity that you call by your name. It is an amalgamation of all the things you identify with… The things you call I, me or mine. Ego is Self Concept.
Because we are raised relationally dependent in a society in which our survival depends upon each other and has for thousands of years, the only way for our self to survive is if we are in the good favor of the rest of the social group. The rest of the social group, beginning with our parents when we were young, have to approve of us. They only approve of us if we are “good”. That is if we are being in a way and doing things in a way that is deemed good by the specific individuals around us. There is no real clear distinction amongst humans between doing bad and being bad. Therefore, the single most important thing to the human ego or sense of self is to believe itself to be good. Shame is the #1 enemy to the human ego. For more information about this, watch my videos titled: ‘The Number One Relationship Obstacle and How To Dissolve It’. And ‘How To Overcome Shame’.
Because the single biggest attachment that the ego has is to believing itself to be good, this is the single biggest blind spot we possess as people as well as the single biggest barrier to self-awareness and enlightenment. We tend to be completely unable to see when we are being in a way or doing in a way that we have been taught is bad (ie. hurting other people).
For the sake of this episode, I need you to suspend judgment about an objective idea of good or bad. I also need you to suspend the temptation to debate on the concept of good or bad in general and instead simply consider human psychology regarding good and bad and how that relates to a person’s ego.
Your sense of what badness and goodness is, is primarily determined by the social group and specific family that you grew up in. Obviously this is different from culture to culture and family to family. One culture may consider sexuality a virtue and the other may consider it a sin. One family may consider self-centeredness to be a necessary part of success and servitude to be a weakness. Another family may consider self-centeredness to be an offense worthy of condemnation and servitude to be the ultimate positive character trait. You will spend your life consciously trying to become anything that you associate with goodness and trying to see that in yourself. You will spend your life trying to avoid the things you associate with badness and your mind will actively avoid seeing these traits in yourself. They will become subconscious. In order to avoid shame, we cope by deflection, denial and reframing so we can believe ourselves to be good. This is when things can get scary.
We can spin anything in order to maintain the idea that we are good and by doing so, make self-awareness impossible. For example, a parent can whip their child with a belt and tell themselves that they are good because they are doing that in order to raise a disciplined child. A serial killer can chop up people into little pieces and keep them in barrels and convince themselves that they are good because they are keeping the people they killed safe. A man can sleep with a prostitute when he has a wife and convince himself that he is good because it allows him to take off tension that he feels towards the wife, so he can come home and treat her better than he would if he wasn’t cheating on her. A person can shoot a politician and convince himself that he is good because he is saving other people from his policies. A fan can turn into a hater and convince himself that he is good because they decide that the celebrity is bad for x y or z reason. A person can eat meat and convince themselves they are good because animals are made of meat or the animals at the supermarket are already dead. A terrorist can kill a group of people and convince himself that he is good because the other people he is attacking are bad. Every war ever waged was waged based on the idea that a person can stay good by killing because the people they target to kill are bad.
The ultimate form of competition that takes place in an insecure ego is this: I have to make you bad so I can be good. As a result, we do not recognize or take responsibility for the things we are saying and doing and the way we are acting and the impact it is having on other people. As a result, we do not change. We make repair in our relationships impossible. We do not become aware enough to awaken and live accordingly. We add to the suffering on earth without awareness that we are doing it. When we add to the suffering on the planet but we are unaware of it, we condemn the world to more suffering.
One of most painful things to experience in this lifetime is parallel realities. The blind spot created by this attachment to seeing ourselves as good, is so big that it can accommodate entire realities. This is the primary cause in fact of the split reality often experienced between parents and children. A parent can live in a reality where they are such a good parent because they gave their child every financial advantage in life. Their child can live in a reality where they were emotionally neglected and shipped from boarding school to boarding school. One person’s attachment to seeing themselves as good and their complete denial of their own badness, makes it so they live in a totally different reality from another person. For more information about this, watch my video titled: The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality. This dynamic makes an actual relationship an impossibility. If one person is convinced that they are good, they therefore have decided that they have nothing to change about themselves, their thoughts, words, behaviors or actions. There is nothing for them to remedy and the fault is entirely on the other side. If they think there is nothing for them to remedy, no resolve can actually ever take place. It also means we will be perpetually gas lighting people and/or we will perpetually be gas lighted by them.
If we wish to awaken, we have no other choice than to be willing to feel the ineffable discomfort of seeing the parts of ourselves that fit into the category of ‘badness’. We have to be willing to see the impact we are having on other people. We have to commit to seeing ourselves through their eyes and from their perspective. We must take them as a part of ourselves. We have to discern what is ours and what is theirs. And we must remedy what is ours.
The safest person in the world, and also the most awakened, is the one who intimately knows their own ‘badness’ and who sees their own shadow. This is the only kind of person who is capable of creating a world that is conscious, authentic and harmonious. The most dangerous person in the world, and also the least awakened, is the person who is convinced he is good to the degree that he can say or do anything and spin it into the idea that saying it or doing it makes him good.
Self-concept, specifically the unwillingness to see oneself as bad and to integrate our shame instead of try to escape from it, is the enemy of awakening. If you wish to awaken, be willing to see and accept your own badness as a part of you and take care of it lovingly so it ceases to be a detriment to your life and the lives of others.
If you have begun to venture onto the path of spirituality and self-growth, chances are you have started to experience a serious increase in synchronicities. At this point you may still be telling yourself that these are strange coincidences that are happening at such a rate now that you are starting to wonder whether there might just be something bigger happening in the universe than meets the eye. One of these coincidences is that you are starting to notice that numbers are repeating themselves. You are seeing them everywhere. You have noticed that something strange keeps happening relative to the numbers associated with time. At ‘random’ times, you see the number 11:11. You look at the clock and so often the time is 11:11. What the hell does this synchronicity mean?
The truth you will become more and more aware of is that yes, there is something bigger to the universe than meets the eye. Something that you would do well to understand is that everything in this universe is interconnected and is therefore responding to one another… You are constantly being communicated with by the universe at large. So what does it mean that you keep seeing 11:11?
11:11 is known as the ‘lightbearer’. 11 is the first of the master numbers and holds the same vibration as the angelic realms. 11 is the most intuitive number of all. And when it is repeated, this is intensified. You can see 11:11 as the ultimate confirmation number. It is akin to a universal YES. It means you are on the path of awakening and the path you intended before this life at this very moment and the thing you are thinking, saying or doing is confirmed by the universe at large. 11:11 is the link between polarities. Polarities such as physicality and non-physicality, mortal and immortal, earthly and divine, darkness and light, knowledge and ignorance.
11:11 is an indication that your guides and angelic beings are there and that you are in alignment with them and therefore your own path. It is a wakeup call to see yourself as a divine aspect of the universe who has the potential therefore to be a master of this time space reality. You have the potential and opportunity to be a conscious manifestation of the divine, who creates his or her own reality in harmony with the intentions of the greater universe. Oneness is the reality of this universe. And that includes you. the question is can you feel it?
When you see the number 11:11 you must pay very close attention to what you were thinking at the moment or just before the moment that you saw the number. It is a confirmation of what you thought as well as a reminder that you create with thought. Thought manipulates energy for manifestation and the thought you just thought is right on the brink of manifestation so make sure that it is in alignment with what you want to create. What do you want to manifest?
11:11 is a reminder that you are a divine part of the universe and as such, it is also a wake up call out of the hypnosis of the physical dimension to remind you that both you and the big picture of life on earth is more than just the physical day-to-day life. Remember who you really are. Remember the big picture.
11:11 is an indication also that a doorway has opened between the higher dimensional planes and physical time space reality. This makes it a doorway for manifestation of thought and intention into physical. Therefore it holds a similar vibration to a shooting star. You can set an intention or make a wish at the moment you see this number and consider it granted. Positive divine intervention/assistance is given.
11:11 is also the ultimate channeling number. Because it is like a doorway between the physical and non-physical reality, when you see it, it means that you are in the perfect position to channel or receive intuition or guidance. It is a sign of increased awareness or the opportunity for awareness. This is why it is called the light bearer number. It is a number indicating that at this moment, angelic or light beings are either saying yes or are ready to deliver you something you are needing to know or help you to do something you need to do or get something you wish to attain. It is an incredibly auspicious sign.
If you pay attention to the synchronicities around you, including numbers like 11:11, you can use them as sign posts guiding you through the universe. You can receive them and recognize them as messages from the universe at large and any beings that may be assisting you within the universe. The universe is taking to you at all moments of the day, the question is, are you watching and are you listening?
As I’ve explained in previous videos, at the most basic level, your body is made up of energy. That energy organizes itself into the physical body. But before that energy organizes itself into physical body parts, it organizes itself into meridians and chakras. These chakras are centers of energy that lie along energy channels and each one holds a very specific vibration and has a specific purpose. Each chakra is a specific expression of Prana (otherwise known as life force or source energy). The chakras look a bit like funnels of energy or vortices. They both absorb and emit energy.
When a chakra is out of alignment, meaning it is not letting life force in or is out of alignment for any number of reasons, it starts to affect your equilibrium. It becomes a serious imbalance within the system. When chakras are out of alignment, they appear small and do not absorb or emit much energy. They also change in their color, patterning, texture and sound.
The traditional name for the sacral chakra is: Svadhisthana. It is located in the center of your lower belly, about three inches below your belly button through your lumbar vertebrae.
The sacral chakra is the center of personal passion and personal power. It governs sensation and virility. Even though all the chakras are energy centers, this chakra can be regarded as a master generator of your own essence of sorts. It is the home of personal desire. It is the center of creativity and creation for this reason. This is the chakra responsible for sexual and sensual energy. This chakra is concerned with relationships to other people and how well we can relate to them and create with them in those relationships. Do we try to have control over others or do we live in a state of interdependence with them? Do we keep ourselves bottled up and reserved or do we indulge in intimacy and in life itself without the brakes on? This chakra governs our capacity to move out of survival, towards pleasure, especially interpersonal pleasure and personal purpose. Because this chakra governs sensations, when this chakra is out of alignment, it is difficult for us to feel as if we are truly alive.
The sacral chakra governs your sexual organs, womb, kidneys, spleen, lower vertebrae, pelvis, hips, bladder, appendix, large intestine and adrenal glands. Any ailments involving these parts of the body suggest that the sacral chakra is out of alignment.
The sacral chakra is the second chakra in the human system. It is traditionally associated with the color orange. It is also traditionally associated with the element of water.
What causes the sacral chakra to go out of alignment? First and foremost, external control. Second, external control being internalized so we keep ourselves under control. Societal conditioning and the people in our lives often oppose our natural essence. They do not live in an interdependent way with us. Instead they control us and teach us to inhibit ourselves and our natural creation for their sake. In order to avoid abandonment and social conflict, we ‘put a lid on ourselves’. We restrict ourselves, we go against our natural desires. We deaden ourselves and our ability to feel so we can live in this state or shall I say, not really live. We experience shame for our sensual pleasures, sexuality, sensuality and virility. We have our personal power over to others to avoid consequences and we lose touch with our passion and purpose as a result. As a result, we lose our vitality and feel like we have no energy.
Knowing that, here is what you can do to open your sacral chakra and bring it into alignment:
First, become aware of what is preventing the chakra from being in alignment. If there were not something preventing it from being healthy, it naturally would be. So close your eyes and get clear about how you are out of alignment with your personal power, personal desire, personal pleasure, sexuality, creativity and/or personal power in the relationships in your life. You can do this by asking questions and seeing what answers arise. Ask yourself, what is restricting me? How am I restricting myself or keeping myself under control? What is keeping me from being able to express myself creatively? Why am I not allowed to feel pleasure? What is wrong about sensuality and/or sex? What am I not allowing myself to feel the sensation of? What would be scary about unleashing myself and really feeling my personal power or showing it to other people? What would happen if I expected people to relate to me? How do I feel about passion? When did I feel I lost a sense of passion and purpose?
Do an intuitive exercise to understand the state of your sacral chakra. To do this, close your eyes and try to sense or see or feel the sacral chakra. If you cannot, feel or see or sense your belly itself. What color do you perceive it to have? Does it have any texture? Do you see any images associated with it? Begin to question it to understand what you are seeing. What does it tell you? What can you do to improve its current state? For example, I may see a dark cave that is frozen. That may tell me that I feel emptiness there. I may then ask myself mentally, what is this cave empty of? Or what does this cave represent? I may then imagine offering it something that I feel it needs. Like I may imagine sitting myself down inside it and giving it my company. I may see it melting ever so slowly by shining light on its walls.
There is no real difference between sexual energy and personal creative energy. Make a practice of mastering your own sexuality. If you have resistance to sexuality (that is thoughts, beliefs and actions that oppose healthy sexuality) the sacral chakra will suffer and so will any part of you in association with it. You are a sexual being. Embrace and express it in healthy ways and if you cannot, deliberately seek out people who can help you to do that.
Let yourself want and let yourself go for what you want. Obviously getting clear on what you want is really important when it comes to this chakra. You must then realize that you cannot live a healthy or happy life if you are restricting the flow of your personal energy by opposing your wants. You should never differentiate between your wants and needs. When it comes to personal expansion, a need should simply be considered to be a just a very strong want. For this reason, I suggest you watch my video titled: ‘How To Discover What You Want’ and ‘Meet Your Needs’.
Create, create, create. Creation can come in any form. It can come in the form of someone making food, doing art, building something, performing etc. Put your energy into something that you, yourself generate.
Heal the unhealthy dynamics present in your relationships, most especially those related to power and control between you and other people. Nothing makes the sacral chakra become more out of alignment than the unhealthy dynamics present in our relationships. We must learn that we can have ourselves and have other people at the same time without losing ourselves and without having to be isolated. We must learn how to have our full power at the same time as letting other people have their full power too. The majority of my focus is about this. I have tons of videos available about how to create healthy relationships. I suggest you make a study of them.
Allow yourself to indulge. Indulge in anything that brings pleasure, especially sensual pleasure. Enable pleasure to your sense of smell, pleasure to your sense of taste, pleasure to your sense of hearing, pleasure in the form of touch, pleasure to your eyes, pleasure to your emotions, pleasure to your mind, pleasure to your soul.
Live according to your passion. Do the things in your life that make you feel a sense of passion. If you have chosen a life where you are doing things just because they have to be done and if you have chosen a vocation that is not in alignment with your passion, your sacral chakra will suffer. You did not come to this life to get through life. You came to this life to follow your passion throughout the world. You came to chase your joy. You came to do the thing that you love doing so much that no one could pay you enough to not do it. Take any step necessary to live your passion.
Learn how to feel. Let yourself feel. Feel somatically and feel emotionally. Life is not meant to be numbed out and dull. It is meant to be rich and full of variety. You must be willing to feel for the sacral chakra to be in alignment. For this reason, watch my video titled: How To Feel (Learn How To Start Feeling).
When we are super controlling, our sacral chakra is out of alignment. We do not know how to let go. In that state, we restrict ourselves and we restrict others. We restrict the natural flow of energy through our embodiment. By doing this, we choke the flow of creation. Set aside some time to really let go. Let go completely. Indulge completely. Surrender completely. Surrender to creative impulse. Surrender to sensual pleasure. Let go of self-control. Be impulsive and spontaneous. Any activity that helps us let go and be uninhibited is like a tonic for the sacral chakra.
Any color that makes you feel alive and passionate will enhance the sacral chakra. That being said, the sacral chakra is associated with the color orange and is activated by this color. Surround yourself in this color, wear this color. Eat things that are this color. Do art with this color. Close your eyes and imagine yourself being immersed in this color.
Chakras are activated by sound. There are singing bowls and chants and binaural beats and tones created for this chakra specifically. The sounds that are associated with this chakra are: Vam and Oo. Close your eyes and play around with the pitch of that sound and take it up and down until you find the note or multiple notes that cause you to feel the most relief in that center.
Do yoga poses that open the sacral chakra. Kundalini yoga is especially good at awakening the sacral chakra. In my opinion, some of the best are warrior pose, goddess pose, bound angle pose and low lunge. Also, do this making sure to breathe deep into the belly instead of shallow into the lungs. Breathing into the area of the sacral chakra and even further, into the lower back, activates this chakra immensely.
Use stones that correspond to and that activate the sacral chakra. In my opinion, the very best are: Carnelian, basalt, red jasper, spessartine garnet, tangerine quartz, sunstone, pyrite, amber, tigers eye, orange or coral calcite, orange aventurine and citrine.
Use plant beings to assist in the opening of your sacral chakra. This can be in the form of teas, sachets, incense, essential oils or any other form you want to use them in. In my opinion, the plants that are the very best for opening the sacral chakra are: Hibiscus, ashwaganda root, saffron, dark chocolate, damiana, catuaba bark, coriander, paprika, ginseng, sandalwood, cinnamon, ginger, orange, calendula, fennel, kava, maca root.
Eat foods that stimulate the sacral chakra. In my opinion, the best are: cinnamon, chili peppers and all peppers in general, turmeric, paprika, ginger, fig, sweet potato, papaya, nut butters, apples, garlic, quinoa, dark chocolate, olives, melons, maca, mango, asparagus, fennel, hibiscus, pumpkin, ginseng, saffron and carrots.
The healthy sacral chakra comes with the truth that you came here to truly live, not to just go through the motions of life. You came to get dirty in emotions and sensations. You came to engage creatively and sexually with other people and with the world itself. You came to co-create and you came to do it with virility and passion.
Resistance is the big bad wolf in a land called trying to get what you want. Because of this, resistance is a concept that you hear in healing, spiritual, self help circles constantly, but no one really understands what resistance is. Not knowing what resistance is, is not the only problem. Also people find it very hard to recognize when they are in a state of resistance.
To understand resistance perfectly, I want you to imagine a stream with a fast moving current. In this current, there is a boat. This boat has 6 oarsmen in it, each of whom have a paddle. Some of the oarsmen are paddling downstream with the current. Some of them are paddling upstream, against the current. These oarsmen who are trying to paddle the boat upstream are in resistance. They are in resistance to the current itself. They are in resistance to the oarsmen who are also trying to paddle the boat downstream. Resistance is nothing more than opposition. It is any oppositional force.
We can meet with opposition from the outside and we can meet with opposition from the inside. Obviously resistance from the outside is external people, events and circumstances opposing you. But internal and external resistance go hand in hand. The resistance we encounter on the outside is a reflection of internal resistance that exists, usually internal resistance that we are unaware of.
When it comes to internal resistance within a person, an oppositional force (and therefore resistance) can come in the form of thoughts, words or actions. For example, take the thought “I am abundant and money comes easily to me”. A resistant thought may be “All I ever get is bills and I never have enough money for what I want.” Resistant words may be telling someone that you love them when in fact you don’t or any other form of inauthentic speech. A resistant action may be getting drunk when you’ve vowed to stay sober.
The main source of internal opposition, the source of our resistant thoughts, words and actions is the splits within our consciousness. Even though we have one body, within that body, we in fact have multiple selves. We are fragmented. The best way to picture this is to imagine that inside your body, you have a collection of Siamese twins. They are technically all conjoined because they all share one body. But each one has its own identity, its own desires, needs, perspective, strengths, weaknesses and appearance. This is the primary unconscious coping mechanism within people. And these selves or internal fragments often oppose one another. When they oppose one another, you end up with internal resistance. To understand this concept in depth and learn how to reverse the process, watch my video titled: Fragmentation (The Worldwide Disease).
Obviously when we are trying to get what we want or when we are trying to heal, any force that opposes our healing or opposes us getting what we want is going to cause us incredible amounts of pain. What we do when we feel this opposition either internally or externally is that we try to push through it. We ignore it. We do not deal with the resistance directly. Because of this, we actually enhance the resistance because we are in fact resisting our resistance. We are also wasting lots of energy this way and getting nowhere. Just like a bad game of tug of war or when two people paddle in two different directions, we end up stuck or spinning in circles or having to put forth so much effort to try to get where we want to go or get what we want that we eventually give up.
Most people try to combat resistance by adding energy to the forces that are in alignment with our desires or in alignment with our healing. For example, we may feel the resistance to abundance in our life or be aware it must exist because we never have enough money. But we deal with it by telling ourselves positive affirmations or by attending workshops about how to think and get rich. To use our earlier metaphor, this is like trying to solve the problem of 3 oarsmen paddling upstream and 3 paddling downstream by giving better paddles to the oarsmen paddling downstream. It has done nothing to end the battle between the oarsmen. You’ve done nothing to end the resistance. You’ve just added more force to one side of a tug of war game so to speak.
This is not a wise way of going about it. This is like trying to set sail on the open seas while we have an anchor dropped in the water. The wise way of going about it is to understand that what is natural is to flow in the direction of what we want. We don’t have to work hard at it actually. All forces in the greater universe are in favor of us getting what we want because expansion can only occur from a place of actualizing our desires and giving rise to new ones. What we do have to do is to become aware of the resistance we have and directly address the resistance and try to create some alignment there so that we can have all of our personal energy going in the same direction. This will reflect externally in the world as external circumstances working with us instead of against us. This is to say we need to dive down to pull up the anchor so we can set sail, not try to improve our sails so they can afford the drag of the anchor. Another metaphor is that we need to get the oarsmen who are paddling against the current to paddle with the current instead.
The rule of thumb is this: If you have any resistance taking place within your being, you must directly deal with the resistance first before doing anything else. No action should be taken from a place of resistance. When we feel ourself putting the breaks on or when we feel ourselves not being able to feel fully on board with something or when we can’t seem to create what we want in our life, we need to seek and find and understand and resolve our resistance. We have to be honest enough with ourselves to admit to it, regardless of whether we feel shame or not.
So often we end up totally stuck in the healing field when we are trying to help people or with our own healing because we have resistance to the process taking place or the healing itself. The same goes for truth. We have such a hard time making lasting change because we are so resisting seeing reality and seeing the truth. When we get into these situations, we usually try to bulldoze through the resistance and not only does it not work, it only makes matters worse. For example, some people feel resistance in the form of fear when they are learning a process from a teacher. That resistance will block the person from really opening up and allowing themselves to be transformed by that teacher. This resistance to the teacher himself or herself must be resolved before the student can really open up to learn from them.
Another example is we can say that we want a baby desperately and pour our effort into trying to conceive and into fertility specialists without even realizing that we do have parts of us that are subconscious (that may have even more weight inside of us than the others) who are completely opposed to the idea of being a mother. We need to consider that if we have not manifested something already, it is because parts within us actually oppose the manifesting of that thing.
Another example is that someone can be trying to reflect something to us about us that might change the way we live for the better. But we feel that acknowledging that as part of ourselves would make us a bad person. Our self-concept is in resistance to the truth of us. So we lie about ourselves and go into denial about ourselves instead.
The process we will go through to resolve the resistance in any given situation is going to be determined by the specific circumstances. But one thing I want you to remember is that your resistance deserves to be treated as valid and important regardless of whether it is about something true or real or not. If you do not treat it this way (if you approach resistance with resistance by already deciding that it is stupid or shouldn’t be there or needs to change its stance) you will not be able to listen to that resistance and understand it with compassion enough to create resolve with it. You will also not be able to arrive at your personal higher truth in any given situation. Sometimes when we become aware of the aspects of us that are in resistance, we find that instead of opposing our true desires, they point to even deeper desires and that going in the direction we were intent on going was in fact the opposite of what was best for us.
So remember, if we aren’t getting anywhere with something, it is because there is resistance involved. If we are in resistance, we need to stop dead in our tracks, zoom out to see the resistance and resolve it in whatever way that we can before we move forward with that thing we are in resistance to. Everyone experiences resistance in their lives and in themselves. The people who are massively successful at creating the life they ant to live are the people who can resolve the resistance so that all of their energy is not split and is instead facing in the same direction and moving towards the same thing.
To love something is to take it as part of yourself. It is an experience more than it could ever be a concept. Love is inclusive. It is the energetic movement towards oneness. When you love something, you energetically pull it towards you and include it as you. The ultimate reality in this universe goes beyond oneness. But for the sake of this discussion, lets say that the ultimate reality in this universe is that of oneness. We may perceive there to be separate things in the world. But this perception is an illusion. We are all comprised of the same energy that is merely expressing itself as different things. And this energy is not only infinite; it has consciousness. This is what we have been calling God or Source for thousands of years. We are indivisible from it. So the ultimate reality is that we are part of all things in existence and all things in existence are part of us. To understand more about this watch my video titled: What Is Love.
Trust cannot be accomplished without love because to trust is to be able to rely on someone taking your best interests as part of their own best interests. So here we have trust and love, the two pillars of a good relationship. Both are about taking the other person, their feelings, needs, wants, perspectives and best interests as part of our own. The highest practice of all is this practice. Even when another person’s feelings, needs, wants, perspectives and best interests seem to conflict with our own. When this is the case, we need to expand wider than our individual perspective and self hood. We need to see the human us and this other person as two warring parts within us that we need to create integration with.
There is an assumption that if we do this, we will let other people hurt us. There is an assumption that we will self sacrifice or give ourselves up in some way. But this is not the case because to do that is to not take yourself as part of yourself. Sometimes, incompatibility exists. When this is the case, loving someone and creating further closeness and integration with them might be to let them separate in the physical dimension. It is a bit like trying to force two magnets faced the wrong way together. The forcing of them to be compatible, in the form we want them to be compatible in, is like forcing a bird to swim or a fish to fly. It is to enhance the suffering and polarization and even opposition between them. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships).
When we are living in this physical time space reality, which we are experiencing through an individual perspective, it is so easy to see yourself as separate from every other thing in existence. It is in fact the basic assumption that we are separate. Only awakening shows us otherwise. Only the awakening to love shows us that we are indivisible from all things in existence. But when we are caught up in the illusion of our own separation, we do not take others as part of ourselves when we think about them, speak to them or take actions relative to them. We interact with them as if we can be against them without being against our self.
The golden key in relationships is to think of the other person as if they are a part of us… A part within us. Their best interests cannot ultimately be separate from our own. We may have to make serious adjustments to life if the best interests of our temporal self conflict with theirs. When we do this, the way we think about them, the way we communicate with them and the actions we take relative to them and towards them will change completely. Any time you have to spend really getting into their perspective and really seeing, hearing, feeling and understanding them so as to understand their best interests (without your self centered lens of what you think their best interests actually are), is well worth it.
It is important to not be fooled by the idea that finding balance between opposing things is a good method of conflict resolution. For more information about this, watch my video titled: F#!k Balance. We cannot impose our idea of what resolution should look like and our limited ideas about how to create resolution. We must fully adopt the perspective of the other person being part of us in order to see the true path to any resolution or the true action taken from a place of love.
Before you respond in any situation, make a practice of really seeing the other person, as well as your temporal self as a part of you… Part of you that you cannot ever and will never get rid of. Ask yourself the following questions:
Am I thinking of this person from love? If he/she/it were part of me, how would I think about him, her or it?
Am I communicating with this person from love? If he/she/it were part of me, how would I communicate with him, her or it?
Am I acting towards this person from love? If he/she/it were part of me, how would I act towards him, her or it?
You will not be able to do this perfectly, which is why we call it a practice and it is the most difficult practice of all, especially when someone is hurting you. But the golden key of relationships is to make a practice of only interacting with someone from this perspective.
Relationships are life. If you look at life, all life really is, is a collection of relationships. You have a relationship with your self, you have a relationship with things in the world and you have a relationship with other people. Obviously for us to feel safe in the world, we have to feel free from harm in our relationships. But most people are confused about exactly how to create a safe relationship.
The definition of an unsafe relationship is a relationship with someone who cannot take you as part of themselves and therefore cannot take your best interests as part of their interests. This is a state of disconnection. It is a state of disconnection and perceived separateness where they cannot see you, feel you, hear you and understand you to even know what your best interests really are. It is essentially a lack of attunement and a lack of love. Most people think that love is to feel intensely positive towards something or someone. This is not the case. That is the byproduct of love. To love something is to take it as a part of yourself. This usually leads to positive, expansive feelings towards that thing or that person. If you take something as a part of you, you do not perceive yourself to be separate from that thing and so you can perceive it fully.
Attunement is being or bringing into harmony. It is a feeling of being “at one” with something. The best way to imagine attunement is to imagine sitting in your car and reaching out for the radio dial. If you want to hear the music being played at a specific frequency, like 98.2 FM, you need to tune your radio dial to 98.2 FM. And then you will hear the music. Your own radio dial needs to be brought into harmony with or become one with the radio channel you want to receive in order to perceive that radio channel. You need to tune into them as if you are them so as to be able to feel or imagine the other person’s emotional experience and to understand what they are feeling. This is what allows you to know what to do in any given situation to end conflict or improve a situation or to assist someone.
Attunement is what gives rise naturally to compassion and empathy. To understand these concepts in depth, I suggest that you watch my videos titled: What Is Love, Attunement (The Key To a Good Relationship) and (Compassion And How to Cultivate Compassion). This state of taking something as part of yourself (so as to perceive the felt experience of that other thing or person) is the foundation of a safe relationship. One of the problems that we have today is that we try to love people from our own separate perspective about what the person needs and wants. We try to love them in a way they do not actually receive love. So we have to try to understand them instead. If you want a super short cut for creating a safe relationship, watch my video titled: Stop Trying To Love Them and Start Trying to Understand Them.
What makes a relationship safe is our capacity to own a person as a part of ourselves to the degree that we cannot put up with or make them put up with being in pain. If we perceive ourselves to be separate enough that our best interests can be separate from someone else’s best interests, a relationship becomes very, very dangerous because we can put someone in pain as a means of controlling them and of getting what we want. We can play zero sum games in our relationships. We can keep someone in pain and expect them to stay with us anyway. It is a recipe for abuse.
Most people have a negative association with the idea of owning someone. To possess something is to have that thing in that it belongs to you. This is actually the positive side of possession. It is an inclusion-based concept. To love something is to take it as part of yourself. This means it automatically belongs with and to you and so you have it. To truly own something is to see it as part of yourself. If you see something as part of yourself, it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself. So much damage has been done by us throwing out the concept of ownership in our relationships with one another. When we do not own other people as part of ourselves, we feel no responsibility to them. Ownership is a critical part of creating safety in a relationship. To understand this fully, watch my video titled: Own People (How to Take Ownership of Your Relationships With People.
Nothing makes us feel more unsafe than abandonment. Being left or losing our relationships is just as big a fear (if not a bigger fear) than being trapped in a painful relationship. This is also where taking someone as part of yourself is critical. To trust is to be able to rely on someone to capitalize on your best interests, essentially to take your best interests as part of your best interests. 100% of relationships end if trust is lost in the relationship. This is actual statistical fact. So, if we cannot take someone’s best interests as part of our own best interests, it is a guarantee we will become unsafe in terms of losing the relationship itself. To understand more about trust, watch my video titled: Trust (What is Trust and How to Build Trust in Relationships).
Relationships are inherently out of control. We cannot control another person. We cannot control what they think, say, do or choose. This is why relationships are so scary and so risky. Obviously because so many of us come from past pain and trauma in relationships, relationships in general don’t feel safe. But there is a difference between trying to overcome past trauma that makes you feel unsafe in relationships so as to feel safe in a current relationship that actually IS safe; and trying to feel safe in a relationship that is not safe in and of itself. Obviously we need to use our discernment and even invite others to help us to discern whether we are feeling unsafe because of the past when the relationship or person is actually safe and when we are feeling unsafe because the relationship or person isn’t actually safe.
Most of us will experience pain in even the best relationships. What makes a relationship safe isn’t the guarantee that we will never experience pain. The only pain we should ever align with in a relationship is pain that ultimately enhances our wellbeing or theirs (or both) instead of diminishes it. It must be known however that it takes a serious level of awareness to be able to discern for someone else what pain is actually good for someone because it can be such a good smokescreen for abuse in relationships or even for our own failings in relationships to cover over the pain we are causing someone by telling ourselves that it is good for them in some way. It is the response we have to pain that occurs in a relationship… The quickness with which we create repair… The genuine commitment to prevent harm and to not perpetuate harm to the person who we love and therefore take as part of ourselves, that makes a relationship safe. To understand this fully, watch my video titled: Take Them As Part Of You (The Golden Key To A Good Relationship).
The way to know if you are in a good relationship, one where the other person is taking you as part of themselves, is to be able to say “I am out of control with this person, and so I feel… SAFE”. When we are in a bad relationship, we cannot say this. Our truth will be “I’m out of control with this person, and so I feel… UNSAFE. And there is nothing worse than this feeling, especially if we feel that with a partner.