There is no possible way that I could be writing this article FOR you because I love you and therefore want you to feel good. No… I am writing this article because I want you to see how messed up you are and how much you need to change. Or I am writing this article because I want to gain more followers. See the story you are telling yourself? Everyone wants and needs love, but whether or not we are going to recognize or accept the love we are given is another story.
People often think because I focus on primary relationships in childhood as the cause of adult dysfunction that I am on a mission against parents and on a mission to blame someone. This is not the case. What I am on a mission to do is to gift awareness to the human race. Awareness and truth and authenticity suck sometimes. Reality is not always sunshine, gumdrops and roses. And the reality that we all must accept, whether we like it or not, is that even the very best parents in the world today are not in a perfect state of health, alignment, integration or awareness. And so they will negatively affect the health, alignment, integration and awareness of their children.
Most parents alive today do not understand what love really is and therefore do not express real love to their children. Most parents can’t be truly honest even with themselves about why they had kids. Most parents don’t even see that the “loving things” they do for their children are actually self-serving and often against the best interests of their child. Most parents have no idea how to develop healthy intimacy with their child. Most parents have no idea how to feed their child so they are actually healthy. And most parents have no idea how to parent a child’s emotions. Our awareness as a species in in its infancy.
When we defend things being the way they are or were or make excuses for them being that way, it is because of what we are afraid of happening if we don’t. Ask yourself, “If I really admitted to and accepted the ways that my own parents messed up, what bad thing do I think would happen?”
The reality is, it is a very rare parent who intentionally tries to harm their child. Most injure their children thinking that what they are doing is loving their child and helping them. Most of it is entirely subconscious and this is a given. But the more we try to defend the way our parents were and make excuses for it, the less likely we are to switch a pattern. And the pattern we are discussing today is one that needs switching.
Because people do not understand what love is and therefore do not know how to give it, the reality is that many of us did not feel loved as children. To understand what love is and isn’t, watch my videos titled: What Is Love and your Definition of Love is Wrong. If we grew up a scapegoat in a dysfunctional family, we could feel that we were the family garbage can. If we grew up the golden child, we could feel we were not loved as we are, we were loved for how well we abandoned ourselves to meet our parent’s needs. If our parent was hell bent on our success, we could feel it was so they could look good to other people. If they gave us something so that they could get something from us, we felt that indebtedness. No matter what story we told ourselves and no matter what we said to others, down deep we felt unloved. But the subconscious way we coped with feeling unloved by the people in our early lives will blow your mind.
In order to cope with not feeling loved, we adopt a belief that makes everything less powerless and painful. The belief we adopt is “love doesn’t really exist.” It is to tell the story that all people are self-centered to avoid the feeling that you have no value. Think about it… If the most painful thing was to feel that YOU were not loved, in which case you would be worthless and emotionally starved and not close to the very people upon whom your life depended, then the way to escape from that feeling state and the thoughts that go along with it would be to tell yourself it’s not that YOU aren’t loved, it’s that love doesn’t exist. This allows you to maintain your self concept instead of feel like garbage, stay close to the people upon whom your life depends and feel shitty about the universe in general for everyone instead of just you. And it makes it so that you can stay safe and adapt in order to get your needs met. The way you adapt to get your needs met is through accepting that the way people survive here on earth is transaction.
You accept the reality that if someone does anything, they are doing it for themselves and if you do something, it is a strategy to get something for yourself. This understanding has a real benefit because on top of helping you to avoid the pain of YOU not feeling or being loved, it makes relationships both predictable and controllable. It is easy to know what gets you discarded and what doesn’t. You pay the bill at the restaurant because you don’t want to feel indebted to someone in any way if they pay the bill. You meet someone’s needs knowing that it is a guarantee that if you meet those needs, they will not abandon you. You get into the relationship where the business exchange being made is very clear such as, I give him status because of my good looks and he gives me financial security. Your life becomes a subconscious transactional one. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Cut The Invisible Strings, (How To Detach From Manipulation In Relationships). But the flip side of this coin is what I want you to become aware of today… The way you react to other people giving you love.
The way you react to people giving you love is to hold tight to your belief that love does not exist and to warp it into something that isn’t love. You warp it into a love doesn’t exist story to avoid the story that no one loves you, but by doing so you totally miss people actually loving you.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about this pattern is that when this is your pattern, low self-esteem is as much a strategy as using transaction to get your needs met. This might be hard to follow and might require some re-plays, but it is fascinating once you really get it. Low self-esteem is a strategy for protecting the authentic self. If you can’t survive in an environment as an authentic expression (because that leads to consequences) the ego is born. The ego is a strategy that can only exist in an environment where there are others. It is a strategy to become a self that gets approved of. That self-concept has to be something that endears you to the people in your life. The ego in and of itself is a protector. It protects you by agreeing with the people upon whom your life depends. So your self-concept that endears you to mom and dad is a poor self-concept. It is “I agree, I have no value”. To disagree with mom and dad by maintaining a positive self-concept in the face of not feeling loved by them, is to be at war with the people upon whom your life depends. But in order to survive emotionally, the ego that protects the authentic self splits in two. The vulnerable aspect of ego, which feels it has no value and the protector aspect which discovers a strategy to have value for others… To get love where it isn’t being freely given. The vulnerable self-concept gets suppressed through the strategy you are using to be valued, a transactional one. It is helpful to see that a low self-concept is a strategy and therefore, it too is not who and what you really are. It is an inauthentic expression.
If you watch yourself, any time someone does anything that resembles love; you either do not take it in or you take it in to meet a need by turning it into something that is digestible for you, something other than love. Here are some examples of ways that you might do this, someone tries to help you with a pattern of yours and you tell yourself that they are doing it because they are so sick of dealing with that aspect of you, so it is really for themselves. Someone cooks for you, and you tell yourself that it is so they can get recognition for their own talent. Someone gives you a gift and your first thought is: What are they trying to get from me? Someone tries to help you to lose weight or get healthy and you tell yourself it is because they are embarrassed to be seen with you the way you are. Someone does chores around the house to make it more pleasant for you and you tell yourself it is just so they can absolve themselves of guilt or it is just because it has to be done in general. Someone invites you on a trip and you tell yourself that they just don’t want to go alone. I could go on and on all day with these examples. If you want to see an example of someone who has adopted this strategy clearly, watch the character Connie Baker, played by Ginnifer Goodwin from the movie Mona Lisa’s Smile.
When you operate in the world with this adaptive strategy, you will always feel as if you are starving because you cannot just receive love. You have to work hard to transactionally get what you need. You also build walls to prevent feeling good and thus to keep pain in instead of to keep pain out. Because of this, I want you to watch two of my videos. The first is titled: How To Receive. The second is titled: Building Walls To Keep Pain In.
Because we live in a world where people do not understand love and therefore do not practice it with awareness, we do need to be aware when people act in loving ways that are simply transactional ways of getting their own needs met. But believe me, you are a person who is already aware of this aspect of relationships. What you need practice with is to realize that sometimes, people really do love you and really are trying to show you love every day but that love is lost on you. It is like putting quarters into a pay phone and they only ever slip right out the bottom change slot. This makes people in your life feel un-received. This makes people feel unloved by you. This makes you someone who is exhausted and starving, living in a world of scarcity. This makes it so you can’t discern between people who do love you and people who don’t. This makes it so that you cannot face the actual pain in your life that you are trying to avoid…. The terrible self concept and pain of not being truly valued and loved by the people who you tell yourself should have loved you the most and whom you are the most desperate to feel close to and valued by. If you need help facing this wound, try The Completion Process. You can read about how to do the process in my book that is quite literally titled: The Completion Process and if you want assistance with it, you can find a practitioner of the process at www.thecompletionprocess.com.
This strategy is a strategy of avoidance and therefore resistance and it is a guarantee that whatever you resist, will persist. We will literally ruin our relationships if we can’t feel genuinely nourished by them and can’t receive other people. We will only ever be as committed to relationships as the transaction is clear and present.
If you have someone like this in your life, make them conscious that you are doing something for them out of love. And expose the transaction that does exist when you do something for them if there is one.
If we continue to live from this story, we will continue to perpetuate a world that is not based on love, but is instead based on undercover transaction. It perpetuates the very conditions that led to us adapting in this way in the first place. So recognize this pattern in yourself today. Recognize the things you do for people in order to get a need met by them. Recognize the story you tell yourself every time someone does something for you. Recognize the deep wound you are trying to avoid by telling yourself this story and by telling yourself that love doesn’t exist.
I’m going to begin this episode by calling out the shadow of people who work in the mental health field. No one just wakes up one day with no provocation and decides that they want to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, life coach or self help expert. We arrive at this place because of struggling mentally and emotionally ourselves. The way we coped with that mental and emotional pain was to try to figure it all out. Most of us thought and felt things as a result of our own life experience that caused us to feel confusion and to doubt our own sanity and so we needed to secure our own sanity, find out the truth and get firmly grounded in reality. Knowing the “what” and the “why” helps us to feel grounded in that reality and in that sanity that we reached for like a buoy in the middle of a sea that was trying to drown us. And we try to rescue ourselves through others by helping everyone we come into contact with to find that buoy. We help people to come into that stable construct that we see as sanity and reality and truth.
This is a noble enough cause. But this very strategy that can help us and other people, is also the strategy that can destroy us and other people. It is this very strategy that makes it impossible for us to truly catalyze healing in people’s lives.
When people come to us for help, we can clearly see where their reality (the things they are thinking, saying and doing) is totally out of alignment with our reality. After putting years of study into it, we have decided that our reality is the one that is right, true and real. Our entire career is based off of having that truth, and having that reality and knowing the answers. Therefore, we can easily see where the things they are thinking, saying and doing are out of alignment with what we have decided is right, true and real. This is where things go wrong. The way we try to help them is to get them, often in an oppositional way, to join our reality.
I want you to imagine that each person lives inside a bubble. That bubble is their own personal subjective reality. What professionals in the mental health field do is to try to get people into their bubble. It is believed that the makeup of a person’s own personal bubble reality is the very thing that is making them hurt. But the reason that mental health professionals fail with this strategy and often make matters much, much worse for people seeking help is the following:
We are unwilling to accept that our reality may not be the actual objective reality. Objective reality is the amalgamation of all realities. You could see objective reality as the truth that emerges when every subjective reality is accommodated for and thus combined. We all know the danger of mistaking our subjective reality as a fixed objective reality. We have all seen those movies, movies like Powder or K-Pax or The Butterfly Effect or The Secret Garden or every movie featuring medieval medical practices where the person who is assisting someone’s process towards health is so limited by what they have decided is real or true that they end up doing more damage. We can clearly see their limitations and that they are the ones who do not have a handle on reality. But they cannot see this about themselves. It simply never occurs to us that we might be that person. We must always keep our realities flexible enough to accommodate for the truth that we may not actually have the full truth or be seeing reality. None of us can ever escape from the fact that we all don’t know what we don’t know.
We do not understand the reality of parallel perceptual realities. Most people only really become conscious of the isolation of parallel perceptual realities when they go through something like the death of a loved one. In intense experiences of grief, your world stops. You are in a reality of pain and terror about what could happen in the future and time moves differently. Meanwhile, everyone else is going about their lives. They are smiling, laughing, talking about their jobs or vacations. They are telling us to come with them to cheer up at the bar. They are in a totally different reality, even though technically our bodies are in the same place. The worst part is, they don’t even notice. They will not notice what conflicts with their own realty.
When we talk to someone or interact with someone from inside our own reality, we may think we are saying and doing things that will help them, but all we are doing is making a person feel like we do not see, feel, hear and understand them. We are reinforcing that they have a different reality and that they are alone in it. What we do and say comes across as invalidation and ignorance. And we make the mistake of thinking it is good to invalidate someone’s reality if it is causing them pain. But all this does is to solidify their reality in fact. We fail to establish rapport enough to say or do something that will actually change their reality or should I say, make it pliable enough to accommodate other realities than the one that is causing them pain.
This is why we do so much damage to people who are mentally ill. We make them more and more and more alone and feel more and more and more crazy by doing this until their condition escalates and sometimes results in death. For example, if you tell a paranoid schizophrenic that what they are perceiving, seeing or hearing is not real, it doesn’t make them better. It either makes them feel alone, crazy and terrified of themselves or it makes them more convinced that you are not seeing reality and therefore cannot be of any help and potentially cannot be trusted at all. You cannot get anywhere by fighting against someone’s reality. You have to work with someone’s reality. People’s realities work like Oobleck. The harder you resist it, the harder it gets. To understand more about parallel perceptual realities, watch my video titled: The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality.
We are too terrified of losing touch with our own reality that we refuse to join someone else’s reality and feel what they feel and see what they see and hear what they hear and understand what they understand. We are terrified to assume someone’s perspective. And we come up with all kinds of justifications to disguise this fear. Professional justifications like ‘if you validate the perspective of someone who is mentally ill, it will only make them more mentally ill’. Or ‘if you mentally and emotionally explore death with a person who is suicidal, it will cause them to commit suicide’. Or ‘if you let yourself get swept up in the person’s mind and emotions, you will lose your capacity to hold space professionally for that person’.
Psychologists and psychiatrists are literally taught to keep professional distance, which prevents them from exiting their own perceptual reality and entering the reality of their client or patent. Instead of seeing their reality as if from first person perspective, they are taught to remain like an outside third party observer, fixing from the outside.
I want you to imagine that a person who is emotionally and mentally suffering is underwater. The world underwater is much, much different than the world above water. Most mental health professionals sit on the dock and drop a rope in and yell down suggestions to the person who is underwater. If you do not dive into the water that person is swimming in, you are only guessing at what would work. And this is the mental health field today… Guessing. I will never forget a movie I watched once, it was called The Doctor starring William Hurt. All you have to do to understand this limitation within the healing field is to watch this move. He plays a self-centered doctor with a terrible bedside manner. He is always teasing and looking down on his colleague who is the opposite. That is until he, himself gets sick. Being quite literally forced into the first person perspective of his patients changes his entire strategy with regards to how he helps people from that day forward.
When we refuse to dis-identify with our own perceptual reality so as to perceive through someone else’s being we cannot see the full truth of the situation at hand. This includes the truth that there is no such thing as self-sabotage. We tend to look at what a person is thinking or doing as if it is self-sabotaging, when the truth (which you can see once you get into their perspective) is quite the opposite. Not having a grip on the positive intention behind these thoughts and behaviors that we are judging as all negative gives us no way to create actual resolution. To understand more about this, watch my videos Titled: Fragmentation, The World Wide Disease, There Is No Such Thing As Self Sabotage and The Octopus Technique.
If you get into first person perspective of the person you are trying to help, it will drastically change your own reality. It will drastically change your awareness about what that person actually needs and what is actually right to say and do. But if we are honest, we are terrified due to our own original trauma, of our reality and sense of truth becoming pliable. We are terrified of losing touch with that buoy that we found to make ourselves feel cognitively safe.
The shift that must take place within the mental health field is that we need to be brave enough to dis-identify from our bubble of subjective reality (that we so often confuse for objective reality) in order to join other people’s subjective realities. It is only by doing this that we can accommodate both realities. Only by accommodating both realities can we build a bridge between a perceptual reality that would provide the healing they are wanting and the perceptual reality they are currently stuck in. We need to be brave enough and be willing to feel and see and hear and understand enough to get our hands messy in other people’s first person perspectives and experiences so as to see what would actually work.
We need to own our own shadow of fearing that we are not capable of doing this without losing our own minds and becoming emotionally unstable and enmeshed. This is self distrust disguised as professionalism. We need to see that it is only our willingness to stretch in this way that will cause us to arrive at the actual objective reality, because objective reality is the truth that arises as a result of accommodating all subjective perspectives in a given scenario. And we need to do this fast. Because we are not doing this, people are dying every day. People are being hurt every day by an overwhelmingly prevalent pharmaceutical approach to mental health. And every day and we will continue to feel the extreme frustration of having no idea what to do for someone to actually help them to heal. Or we will convince ourselves that it is simply their fault for being too mentally ill to adopt our estimation of reality.
Most of us have heard of hoarders if we aren’t one ourselves or don’t know one personally in our life. It is such a fascinating behavior that there have been reality TV shows done about extreme hoarders. But most people don’t know or understand the emotional and mental component behind this behavior. And most people don’t know that nearly all people walking the globe today are hoarders in their own way, they simply do it in a socially acceptable way.
To hoard something is to accumulate something in a way where it is hidden or guarded for preservation such as for future use. When people hoard, they are concerned with acquiring and gathering whatever it is that they wish to hoard. They are also concerned with not parting with; letting go of or discarding whatever it is they gain. This means that people who hoard are concerned with the coming and the going of things they feel a need to accumulate and save. All of us do this with something. This means that the behavior of hoarding can be seen as a spectrum and everyone falls somewhere on that spectrum. Take a look at your life. What are you preoccupied with acquiring and gathering in a way where you guard it for preservation sake, that you are also very anxious about letting go of?
Unless you understand that compulsively saving money is not making your money work for you, instead it is making your money work for the bank, most of us call a person who hoards money in the bank, financially smart; not a hoarder. But what they are doing is hoarding. Hoarding implies a trauma that we have experienced that has given rise to a fear that is being relieved through the behavior of hoarding. The trauma of the great depression for example, gave rise to an entire generation of people who hoarded valuables including money. At the most extreme side of this spectrum are people who we call compulsive hoarders. These are people who psychologists or doctors would diagnose as having compulsive hoarding disorder. It is my hope that by unveiling the reality behind the most extreme hoarding behavior that you will not only understand it, and everyone who falls short of it on the spectrum, but that you will relate to it in such a way that the way you relate to and/or interact with hoarders will change.
To understand hoarding, you need to start at human nature and then fast forward to the beginning of a person’s life. It is the nature of a biological organism to have needs. There are all kinds of needs. A need is something that is required in order to live, succeed or be happy. This means that we could need physical things like food or water. We could also need emotional things like a sense of safety. And we could need mental things like information. We could perceive ourselves to need anything that we think ensures our wellbeing, success or happiness. It is human nature to need a way to be able to meet those needs. And it is a need to be able to meet those needs in a way that does not lead to more pain or the loss of other needs. And this is where the trauma occurred with someone who is a compulsive hoarder.
It is a potential that a loss or series of losses that are significant enough could cause a person to hoard as a compensation behavior. Possessions, especially those that cannot be lost or go away, become a safety signal and if any single one of them is taken away or is let go of, the person hoarding feels more vulnerable. However, this is not the predominant cause of the behavior of people with extreme compulsive hoarding behavior. Often the experience of a loss simply triggers the onset of the behavior itself, rather than being the original cause of the behavior. It is a trigger of the original wounding that is much, much deeper.
Hoarders did not have their needs reliably met, most especially their emotional needs. Regardless of whether they experienced circumstances like constant relocation or the loss of a loved one in childhood that led to their needs not being reliably met, or were the byproduct of a dysfunctional home, which is why their needs were not reliably met, the bottom line is, they experienced their needs not being reliably met. They are the byproduct of extreme emotional neglect if not physical neglect. To understand more about emotional neglect, watch my video titled: Today’s Great Epidemic and How to Solve It.
The lack of love/resource they felt from the people they needed, made it so they believe that people are only capable of caring about themselves and of using them and taking from them. Because of this, they see people as inconsistent, unreliable, impermanent and dangerous to attach to. They can’t be kept. They feel there is no way to hold onto a person and to make it so a person doesn’t take from them. Therefore there is no way to control the person or predict the person in a way to be able to stay feeling good. They experienced themselves as being only a tool or object in someone else’s reality. Therefore, they suppress the part of themself that wants a relationship with people in favor of relationships with objects.
Hoarders often had relationships in their early life with people who did not respect boundaries around their possessions/ownership as well. They may have operated with an attitude of “what’s yours is mine”. Or getting rid of what was not theirs to get rid of. This led to times where the things they valued were taken without being replaced. This may also have led to times where they needed something for their sense of wellbeing and did not have it. This trauma around needing something in order to feel good and not having it was so bad, it is what they are trying to avoid at all costs. It has given rise to a permanent and very strong ownership boundary. A hoarder can look at literally anything and think of a potential time when they may need something in the future and the idea of not having it when they need that thing feels terrifying. They did not experience people as giving. When we grow up in environments where people are not giving, we do not feel the flow of abundance. We feel we are not able to simply get things when we need them.
May people who hoard experienced deprivation in their childhood. Gifts and therefore things were a very special and big deal albeit often a corrupted thing. They experienced most of the giving in their lives to be a covert way that people got from them. So things were special but gifts were a take instead of a give. Needing anything from anyone therefore became dangerous. It became a recipe for indebtedness. To understand this dynamic fully, watch my video titled: Cut The Invisible Strings (How To Detach From Manipulation in Relationships).
The lack of love they felt and danger they felt with regards to needs being met by people, made it so the closest that they could get to love was found through objects. In the mind of a hoarder, if they are able to use something, and by using that something add to their perceived wellbeing, they perceive that as the object loving them. To understand this, imagine that when you fix your car, you feel as if the car being fixed provides a sense of satisfaction or safety. If you used a screwdriver to do that job of fixing the car, imagine you perceive the screwdriver to be the thing that lent its energy to you in a way that added to your wellbeing and it did so without expecting anything in return. You see that as the screwdriver loving you. You feel love from that object. Because you can keep the object, you can keep that love. Any time an object improves the perceived wellbeing of a hoarder, they perceive themselves to be loved by that object as well as experiencing increased wellbeing.
The thing is, everything could potentially improve your wellbeing in a given scenario. If you went through your house right now and with each item in your house, thought of a potential use or need for something that could enhance your life in a potential scenario, you would be able to come up with something. Therefore, if what you are after is the feeling of security that you will never face a day where your wellbeing could be dependent on something you do not have, everything is valuable and everything could be needed. This means that a hoarder experiences extreme distress at the thought of throwing something away.
The acquisition of an object or something that the person could hoard is part of the pattern of hoarding. This is why compulsive hoarding often goes hand in hand with compulsive shopping or compulsive acquisition in some other form. Every object seems to serve as further insurance of one’s wellbeing, security, happiness and insurance against the potential of ever experiencing the feeling of not having what they need when and if they need it. Seeing the potential use in every object is actually a way of preventing future pain and guaranteeing future pleasure, which is why it gives the hoarder such an emotional kick.
When the closest that we can get to love is through objects, we begin to identify with objects and have a relationship with them. This gives objects a much more ‘alive’ quality. We ascribe people like qualities to these objects. You might remember doing this with your favorite stuffed toy as a child. And this is where life for a hoarder becomes even more painful. If you grow up in a situation where you feel your needs are not met and everyone is just out for themselves and you are a thing for them to use, you do not feel valuable in and of yourself. You feel like something to be used and discarded. This means that you recognize yourself in and therefore identify with trash. This means, if you throw anything away, not only are you setting yourself up for a future time where you have a need for something that you don’t have and can’t get, you are also reinforcing your own wound that you are worth nothing.
Because their core self-concept is extreme shame, hoarders projected themselves onto trash. In seeing anything as valuable and even valuing things that they did use, they are externally trying to solve the wound of being treated and seen as if they have no value and of being used and discarded. This adds a secondary layer of extreme distress to the idea of throwing something away. For a hoarder to let go of the behavior of keeping trash, they need to alter their self-concept so they do not identify with trash. They also need to resolve the trauma of feeling like no one saw their potential or value, the tragedy of which they are projecting onto things when they are concerned with not wasting something.
Most hoarders have also experienced a trauma relative to feeling exposed. Space equates to exposure, where attack could come from anywhere at any moment. Having clutter around actually is experienced as enclosure or padding from potential threat. This is especially true if the hoarder experienced people constantly taking from them in childhood. When this is the case, though the hoarder does not want any of their things to be taken, having piles and piles of things provides security in that if someone takes from them, they have more. If they have nothing, the only thing for someone to take is their own body or being. You can imagine this feeling if you think of being in a shark tank but surrounded with ten foot deep walls of meat. When the sharks take a bite out of the meat, you don’t like it, but if the meat is gone, the only thing left to take a bite out of is you.
Most hoarders love piles. There are multiple reasons for this. A pile feels like a tangible savings account full of things that could ensure their wellbeing, should they ever need that thing and therefore an insurance policy for their physical and emotional wellbeing. When they make a pile, they often forget about things that are in that pile. To rediscover that thing when sorting through a pile makes them feel a renewed sense of wellbeing. The same way that forgetting about something and then rediscovering it in your fridge, makes you feel amazing. But perhaps the most fascinating thing that makes piles feel good to a hoarder is that creating piles are the closest feeling they have to being able to control closeness. This is why the idea that a hoarder doesn’t organize because they don’t have the skill to do so is a misconception. Hoarders identify with objects. The physical distance between objects, which is created when people organize things into compartments, feels cold and isolated to them. They don’t want that separation. The separation between objects that is created through organization makes them feel an emotion similar to how you would feel if today, every member of your family were moved into separate apartments in the same building and started living separate lives. It re-opens their wound of experiencing the emptiness and isolation of a parallel perceptual reality. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality.
To a hoarder, a pile feels warm and cozy, like community. The space that is created through organization brings back the underlying feeling of emptiness that was created through emotional neglect. And there is another layer to this. Remember they identify with trash? If they can put trash in a pile next to something valuable then it is a way of externally creating a link between the person or people they perceived as having value in their childhood next to and in permanent connection and communion with themselves. It is a way of externally re-uniting the family and establishing the closeness they could not experience with them and others in their life.
Most hoarders do not like movement. They dislike hoarding things that could choose to or may eventually benefit by going away from them. This is because when something can come and go, it reinforces their wound in relationships. Therefore, if they do hoard anything, like animals, the fact that the animal is captive, and according to them has no desire to leave, is a sense of control in the same way that one can control a stationary object. They have managed to replace people with things. Object hoarders feel a re-traumatization at the thought of keeping something that does not want to be with them. This is a sensation that is bulldozed by serial killers who hoard dead bodies. The serial killer who hoards in this way is often doing so specifically to prevent the coming and going of a person and to be able to be in control over the keeping of them. This behavioral strategy usually includes severe and repetitive perceived abandonment trauma.
So you can see, what creates a hoarder is a specific storm of circumstances, all of which are the result of pain in human relationships, that lead to this highly subconscious coping method of hoarding. Because of all of this wounding around needs, they cannot perceive themselves as not needing something now or in the future. It is a scarcity issue yes, but not in the way most people think. It is not that having piles of things around makes them feel abundant. It is that having piles of things around makes them feel the safety of the insurance that there will not ever be a time where they experience the pain of needing and not having or being left alone in emptiness or being forced to need something from a person, who will take something from them in return or reinforcing the wound that they, themselves are worthy of discarding.
What most people don’t recognize is that hoarding is an addiction. An addiction is a behavior or a substance that covers over a wound or that satiates the pain of that wound. It is a coping strategy. It is an avoidance strategy. Therefore, hoarding is also an addiction. It is as useless to clean up a hoarder’s environment without first resolving the underlying wound creating the behavior as it is to try to quit smoking when you haven’t resolved the pain that is giving a person a motive to smoke. The addiction will either return or will be replaced with yet another addiction.
It is an extreme re-traumatization to take things away from a hoarder or to try to clean their house when they have not initiated help to do so. When we do this, we are doing nothing but re-opening their wounding. Think about it. When we clean their house, we are putting them in a position to need something and not have it and not be able to get it in a way where they can stay safe. We are putting them in a position to feel that emptiness of the emotional neglect they suffered. We are getting rid of the relationships they do have and we are re-enforcing the belief that they are worthy of being discarded. Obviously no one wants to be living in trash, especially when the sanitation level is a health hazard. But the problem with interacting with hoarders in the way we usually do is that it is a cycle of trauma that re-enforces itself. When we say, “I can’t deal with your trash anymore” and that is why we go away from them or reject them, because they identify with trash, we are essentially saying “yep… you are why I am going away from you”. This not only reinforces their self concept, it makes you something that goes away and thus reinforces their belief that objects are better to form relationships with than people. The objects are one thing they can control. All beings need a sense of control. All beings need to feel as if they can avoid pain and gain pleasure. Otherwise, they feel totally powerless to harm.
What we need to be doing with hoarders and everyone really is not to stand outside of their reality and invalidate it. We need to work from inside their reality and psychology. We need to realize that the way we treat objects in their environment is a direct message about how we see them and will treat them. We need to resolve the deep wounding that is beneath this addictive strategy so that there is no longer a need for that strategy to be employed. We need to remember that hoarding is a symptom. We need to treat the cause, not the symptom. If a hoarder is able to develop safe and nourishing relationships, they day will come where they feel the improvement is to clean their space and organize their living space according to joy instead of fear and prevention of potential pain. They will ask for help on this day.
What is painful for a hoarder to realize is that an object can’t love them back. This awareness usually does force them into the original wound they are avoiding through hoarding. But a breakthrough in overcoming the addiction is on the other side of realizing this.
You cannot clean a hoarder’s space with an attitude of disapproval and rejection. This is re-traumatizing. If you feel disgusted, you should not be cleaning their space. The cleaning of a hoarder’s space must be done with an attitude of appreciation for things, not disapproval or disgust. The letting go of anything makes them feel extremely vulnerable because it feels like with every thing they discard, they are getting closer and closer to the potential of future pain. The meaning of what you are doing must be carefully considered. When a hoarder is ready to organize things, they will need the help of people to do it. But it must be done with the idea that organizing clutter is honoring the objects themselves and isn’t done so as to make the objects lonely. When a hoarder is ready to let go of things, it also has to be done with positive meaning, such as the object itself has a purpose elsewhere. Not that you are ‘getting rid of something’ or ‘it is being wasted’.
The process of a hoarder learning to behave differently during the process of acquisition, is a process. The process of organizing and cleaning a hoarder’s space is a process. Both are processes that can be traumatizing and that will inevitably bring up unresolved wounds that need resolution before continuing with the process and the altering of the behavior.
Hoarders have understandably turned away from people. This means if a hoarder is aware of these early wounds that created their behavior (which some are not) he or she is unlikely to share that pain with you, leaving you baffled as to why they are doing what they are doing. We have the tendency to look at hoarders with an attitude of disgust. We tend to look at them as if we could never be like them and we don’t know how they could let it get so bad or live like that. We project that they are lazy. This behavior has nothing to do with laziness. We project that they are the disorder, when they are much more than that; they have simply developed a coping mechanism.
But hopefully after reading this, you can relate to people who hoard to the degree that you can feel the compassion that is a necessary component of the re-establishment of secure relationships with people in their life. The gift that the hoarder may just be bringing to your life is the awareness that there is value in anything and everything; most of us simply don’t look close enough to see it.
Over the course of human existence, people have had a very special relationship to other animals, some animals more than others. We began to live symbiotically with certain animals, for example we began to live with dogs and cats or use animals like horses to ride on or use goats to pack things. We developed an even deeper relationship to those animals. To the opposite, we formed antagonistic relationships with other animals that we perceived were a threat to us, such as snakes and mosquitoes. We favored animals that were examples of traits that we, ourselves value. Our valuing of loyalty made us love dogs. Our valuing of power made us envy and respect (even though we feared) large predatory animals like tigers. Animals held deep symbolism for us and deep meaning. Many even helped us to survive and line up with our own expansion. Others made us live in fear.
Many cultures, especially indigenous cultures, recognized this relationship to certain animals at a spiritual level. They recognized that within the spirit of each person is a special relationship to an animal (potentially more than one) and that the developing of this relationship would lead to both personal development and enhanced life experience. Members of certain indigenous cultures even practiced the art of shape shifting into the specific animal that they resonated with the most.
Most people do not differentiate between a totem animal and a spirit animal. But differentiating between them is important. A spirit animal is someone’s animal equivalent. It is the animal whose vibration is the most identical to a person’s unique and authentic essence. This animal possesses traits and qualities that mirror a person’s innate and inborn traits, qualities, needs, desires, purpose, strengths and weaknesses etc.
Because energetic frequency dictates physicality like a blue print dictates what is physically built, a person tends to physically resemble their spirit animal in ways. The spirit animal is the animal that a person would shape shift into if they were practicing shape shifting in an indigenous culture. Even though being a human makes it so you belong in the family of human, the spirit animal indicates your place of belonging within the animal world. For example, if your spirit animal is a wolf, you also belong to the wolf tribe. My spirit animal is the red fox.
A totem animal is a protector, helper and guide for a person. Most people confuse one of their totem animals for their spirit animal. Usually, a person’s favorite animal is in fact a person’s totem animal. This animal usually possesses traits and qualities that a person needs at a given time. For example, a little girl may feel very unsafe and powerless and insignificant and a horse may come to her as a gentle, powerful and regal protector. They tend to show up in people’s lives at specific times when they are needed. This is why it is critical to acknowledge the affinity you have towards a specific animal and also to acknowledge the meaning of a specific animal appearing in your life at a specific time, especially if it happens in repetition. But that being said, all people tend to need the guidance, protection and help of a specific energy over the course of their lives, which means people tend to also have a totem animal for which they have a very special life long relationship. This animal is more like a “partner” or “best friend” through the journey of life. A person can have one or a few totem animals. You are offered kinship and welcome with the tribe of your totem animals. And it is said they will only harm you if they must do so in order to assist you on your life path. They will only harm you if doing so imbues you with their specific medicine. My life long totem animals are the horse, the cougar, the piebald python, the mourning dove and the jellyfish. People who have chosen a life path to influence or lead lots of other people tend to have more totem animals than other people, in the same way that people who influence or lead other people tend to have more spirit guides.
To generalize, before a living being encounters trauma, he or she is in a state of relative cohesion. We could say that he or she is in a state of oneness or experiences wholeness in and of himself or herself. If a person were to stay in this state, they would easily know what their spirit animal is. The law of attraction would draw this animal to them. They would recognize this animal as themselves. But by coming into a physical life experience and even more so, when we encounter trauma, we begin the process of fragmentation. We split our own consciousness. In the moment of trauma, we subconsciously create a split between the vulnerable self and the self that coped with that vulnerability so as to self preserve. This means that even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple selves. Some of which we are identified and some of which we deny, reject and disown. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
It is critical to see that we identify with the parts of ourselves that coped to self-preserve. These aspects protected us. They allowed us to stay as far away from our vulnerability as possible. Our personalities therefore are in essence, fake. Our personalities are merely the parts that we identified with so as to stay safe and away from vulnerability in the very specific situations that we were raised in. We suppress, reject, deny and disown the aspects that make us vulnerable or get us disapproved of in the world. By doing this, they become subconscious. They are buried outside of our awareness and we don’t know they even exist, even if they are visible to other people around us.
This has vast implication for spirit and totem animals. If we identify with a part of us that keeps us safe in any given experience, that (and not our genuine essence) is going to be what our frequency resonates at. Because we have mistaken who we are for a protector part within our own consciousness, the law of attraction will draw us therefore to mistaking our totem animal, an animal that keeps us safe, with our spirit animal, an animal that might vibrate more closely to what we have suppressed, rejected, denied or disowned within ourselves. For example, say I felt abandoned as a child in some way; I could not stay connected to the part of me that needs others. That is not self-preserving. I would identify with a part of myself that can be very independent. Therefore, if my essence vibrated more closely to a herd or group animal, like a deer, I would suppress and deny and maybe not even take notice of that animal. I would not recognize it in myself. I might identify with and show preference for an animal that is highly individual, like a snow leopard.
There is also another animal that is significant to all people. This is a person’s shadow totem animal. A shadow totem is an animal that vibrates at the frequency of what is the most denied disowned and rejected within a person’s own self and consciousness. The qualities and traits of this animal are often the traits that were the most shamed out of this person’s being. Or the traits that seemed to lead to the most un-safety in that person’s life. For example, lets say that you grew up in a culture that made you believe that you do not control your destiny and you began to feel totally out of control of things happening to you that you could not change and that you were at the hands of fate. You would begin to lose touch with the part of you that weaves your own fate. You would no longer trust in life enough to be patient and let things come to you, you would not want to be in a receptive state. You would approach the world through tying to control instead of to create. What you may deny within yourself the very most therefore could vibrate at the frequency of the spider. The spider would be your shadow totem.
A person’s shadow totem on rare occasions may be their actual spirit animal. Some shamans, including myself, see the shadow totem as a second spirit animal. The two of these animals represent the unification of a person’s conscious and unconscious mind. The spirit animal representing their conscious and the shadow totem representing the subconscious, like a yin yang. Most people do have awareness of their shadow animal, it is often the animal they tend to fear and avoid the very most. My shadow totem animal is a blue whale.
From an esoteric perspective, getting in touch with your spirit animal, totem animals and shadow totem animal can greatly help you on your path of awareness, integration, and self actualization. In the indigenous cultures, everything in existence, including you, is said to possess ‘medicine’. That is to say that its being contributes and assists in this world in critical ways. For this reason, its medicine (and this animal because of its medicine) is to be revered as sacred. For example, if you suffer from confusion, you could benefit by eagle medicine. If you possess objective perspective, you may possess eagle medicine within you.
Even though we are in the practice of complete integration (which is to recognize that all that exists, also exists within us) and therefore to master all medicine, integrating your spirit animal and shadow totem means you can re-own your unique inborn medicine. It is self-actualization and expression as opposed to lack of self-awareness and self-suppression. And integrating the medicine of your totem animal means you can master and make use of the medicine that you are in need of in your life in general, or at a specific time in your life.
Because it may interest you, any of a person’s spirit, totem or shadow totem animals may and often do also shadow a person in non-incarnated, spirit form; just like a spirit guide. And what most people don’t usually think about is that a group consciousness can be treated like a singular consciousness. For example, your family line has a consciousness that vibrates at a specific frequency, like an energetic signature. The energetic signature of your family’s consciousness also has an animal equivalent. This means, your family has its own spirit animal, totem animal and shadow totem animal. So does every race. So does every religious group. So does humanity in general. Humanity’s spirit animal is the wolf. Humanity’s totem animal is the eagle. And humanity’s shadow totem is a snake.
Technically, a human is an animal. However, humans have a very developed self-concept. We call this self-concept an ego. The human ego enjoys seeing itself as not only separate from everything else on planet earth, but also superior to everything else on earth. Therefore most humans see themselves as different to and superior to animals. But it would be interesting for you to know that other animals can have spirit animals, not just people. Indeed, another animal, like a whale could have a human for a spirit animal.
Also what may be of interest to you is that animals are not the only thing that works this way in our lives. For any category of things, we can have a thing that is most identical to the frequency of our personal essence, a thing that is most identical to what we have disowned, rejected and denied within our self and a thing whose energy we need because it serves as a protector, guide or helper. For example, we all have a spirit plant, totem plant(s) and shadow totem plant. We also all have a spirit mineral, totem minerals and shadow totem mineral.
When it applies to the category of animals, an animal can be an insect a reptile, a mammal, a bird, a fish, an amphibian, a mollusk, a worm, literally any biological organism that belongs to the biological kingdom of animalia. People’s preferences towards certain animals and aversions relative to other animals make it hard for them to recognize their spirit animal and master the medicine of specific animals. Because we tend to ascribe certain approved of and desirable traits to some animals and consider certain animals to be superior to others, we all want our spirit animal to be something like a bear or a panther or a hawk. Most of us have an aversion to discovering that our spirit animal is a grasshopper or a mouse or a newt or a garden robin. That makes us feel bad about ourselves. But the reality is that many people have spirit animals that they would not (with their conscious mind) wish them to be. What you need to recognize is that every animal, no matter what our ego driven minds may think, has a very special medicine and the denial of that medicine that belongs to your spirit animal, is also a denial of that medicine within yourself.
Your preference towards a specific animal is always important. It is usually always the indication that this is one of your totem animals. Regarding your spirit animal however, it is inevitable if you commit to the discipline of integration, you will no longer be suppressing, denying and rejecting parts of yourself in favor of others and so it will eventually be obvious what your spirit animal actually is.
For most people walking the earth, in order to discover your spirit animal before you have integrated, and have it assist you towards that integration and self actualization, you must bypass the structure of your ego entirely and enter an altered state of consciousness, which some shamanic medicines do and even some ceremonies or rituals and meditations and dream states can do for those people who are able to dis-identify from their self concept with such exercises. Journeywork ceremonies, rituals, meditations and dream states are the very best for discovering your spirit animal. I offer one such meditation to find your spirit animal myself on my website TealSwan.com (CLICK HERE).
It would be beneficial to operate with the perspective that you cannot choose your spirit animal. It chooses you. It is simply a perfect vibrational match to your unique essence. Because your spirit animal is a vibrational match to you, it will often show up in your life, whether you take notice of it or not. Therefore, be in the state of observation. But you do not have to take a passive approach. You can open yourself to becoming aware and ask to become aware of what this animal is, as long as you are also taking care to not let the ego tell you it is an animal that suits your ego or confusing a totem animal for your spirit animal.
Certain people with mastery of their extrasensory perception can tell you what your spirit animal is, but even I do not often do this beyond confirming or denying what someone already suspects because in my experience, it is a much better and deeper and more meaningful approach to guide someone to find it themselves. People tend to not really own the truth if it is handed to them by someone else, instead of if they discover it for themselves. This is one reason why vision quests, journeying, and worldly encounters tend to be the preferred choice of shamans over the course of history regarding people discovering and owing their spirit animal.
Once you have found your spirit animal, learn all you can about it. What traits do you associate with this animal? Discover the perspectives of other people and cultures about the “medicine” that this animal possesses. Spend time around that animal. See into this animal, feel into it and listen to it. Come to understand it. Meditate with this animal in mind. Take note of this animal’s weaknesses. See them in yourself. Take note of its strengths and find and express them in yourself. Surround yourself with things that remind you of this animal and proudly represent this animal. Do this same thing with your totem and shadow totem animals. Call on this animal for support. Feel it inside you and with you always.
Because we have evolved to think ourselves to be above nature, many consider the reverence of nature and communion with the animal kingdom to be primitive and irrational. This is a travesty. We are losing touch with our place in the big picture of the world and we are failing to recognize the world in us. Because of this, we are destroying the natural world, animals along with it, and not even seeing that doing that is ultimately leading to our own demise as well. Recognize yourself in nature and recognize nature within yourself. Practice the medicine inherent in each animal, no matter how small or large and no matter how revered or rejected by humanity at large. Own the medicine you came in with and share it with the world… The medicine that is reflected in your spirit animal.
Embarrassment is a feeling of self conscious and often awkward discomfort that arises as a result of a socially unacceptable thing associated with us (such as a frowned upon act or behavior or character trait or condition) being witnessed or revealed to others. We feel embarrassment when some aspect of us is (or threatens to be) witnessed by others. It happens when we feel that this something, if revealed will undermine the image that we seek to project to other members of the social group that we believe will deem that aspect unacceptable. The sensation is very close to the feeling of anxious doom.
What we have to see about embarrassment is that it is very externally focused. It is not really about your sense of you. It is about how others see you. It is about wanting to be valued by others. It is all about trying to avoid social consequences. We can be embarrassed of something that we do not think is bad, wrong or morally reprehensible. For example, we may believe it is right to be liberal, but if we wander into a conservative rally, we may feel embarrassment if someone exposes us as a liberal. Embarrassment exists in order to avoid social consequences. This is why it is about how others think of us rather than how we think of ourselves. This is why we may be embarrassed to reveal that we had an addiction to alcohol to our in laws but we may not be embarrassed to reveal that same thing about us when we are at an AA meeting. Embarrassment is highly situational in nature. We can be embarrassed about things that are not necessarily morally wrong or reprehensible, but are simply out of alignment with the way we want others to perceive us.
This is where the line between embarrassment and shame exists. If I feel shame, I do disapprove of that thing within myself. I do think it is bad and wrong. In response to those perceived consequences, I push that thing away from myself. The only way to push part of yourself away from yourself is through fragmentation. For this reason, we could say that shame is the mechanism for fragmentation as well as suppression. And shame creates internal separation. I cannot feel shame and be intact internally at the same time. I can however do that with embarrassment. I can keep something separate from other people without necessarily separating it from myself. I can avoid certain behaviors and actions and keep the truth of myself hidden while staying intact in that I am not pushing that aspect away from myself.
This is the best way to figure out if you are embarrassed or ashamed. If I am embarrassed, I simply do not want others to see something that will undermine the way I want them to perceive me because I do not want the projected social consequences inherent in that. If I am ashamed, I also do not want to see it in myself. I perceive something I did or something about me to imply that I am morally wrong and reprehensible. I do not want those things to be associated with me and I feel that the eradication of them can lead to a sense of goodness, rightness, social closeness and reward. I have to reject, deny and disown something within myself for it to qualify as shame. I do not have to reject and deny and disown anything for it to qualify as embarrassment. I simply have to feel self-conscious about someone else rejecting, denying and pushing that part of me away if they should see it. That being said, we often feel shame about something we are trying to keep others from seeing.
We can be both ashamed and embarrassed. This is the case when we are terrified of or humiliated by other people seeing something about us that we also feel is wrong, bad and reprehensible about us. We can be embarrassed and not be ashamed. This is the case when we don’t want someone to see something about us that we do not have an issue seeing in ourselves. We can be ashamed but not embarrassed. This is often the case when we know there will be absolutely no social consequence for someone seeing something about us but we still feel that thing is bad and wrong about us. We can also be embarrassed for someone else. This is the case if we see something about someone else that we perceive as having social consequences for him or her.
A person can’t be embarrassed until they have a sense of self. A baby can’t be embarrassed that it poops in its diaper. It isn’t until the child becomes aware of itself and that he or she did something others did not do, and that because others saw him or her doing that thing, the child experienced a social consequence.
Embarrassment carries within it the extreme desire/need for social appeasement and social approval. When you were young, you came into a society. In a human society, there are collective social and cultural ideas of what is good and what is bad. As a child, we are completely relationally dependent. As we grow older, that relational dependence does not go away, it merely becomes less extreme. We never loose the need for one another, even if we can feed and bathe ourselves. If we want our needs to be met, survive in society and have a chance at feeling things like love and belonging and contribution and safety, we have one option… To make it so other people perceive us in a way that makes them approve of us and to avoid them perceiving us in a way that makes them disapprove of us.
Let’s say that when you were younger you ran out into the family room naked. And let’s say you were raised in a society that approved of modesty and disapproved of public nudity. The adults in your environment would immediately react by discouraging the behavior. They might get angry or send you back to your room or doll out a consequence. The disapproval would be emotionally and potentially even physically painful enough that you would feel embarrassment. It would register in your mind as a mistake you had made that had consequences. This would be a painful enough experience that you would want to avoid it in the future at all costs and never make that mistake again. Acting embarrassed would also send the message to others that we recognize our error, thereby endearing our self to them. It would act as a subconscious plea to be pulled back in, instead of pushed away.
We want to avoid the threat of conflict and the pain of being pushed away or being seen poorly (along with the plethora of consequences that could come from any of those things). Therefore, we seek to present the image to any person or social group that will enable us to have social rapport with that specific person or social group. Embarrassment is like an emotional alarm bell that goes off when we cross into potential or actual disapproval territory.
The degree that you suffer from embarrassment is the degree you suffered or do suffer from social consequences. If you grow up in an environment were there are very rigid social ideals of badness and wrongness and very big consequences for that perceived badness and wrongness, you will struggle with embarrassment and you will most likely have a core self concept of shame. For people who want to avoid embarrassment at all costs, your nervous system had to perceive social consequences as jarring, serious threats to your sense of survival and wellbeing. And embarrassment stays with you long after it has passed in everyone else’s mind because you perceive it to be such a threat. Embarrassment exists to try to keep you safe from social consequences. And because you want to stay safe from emotional consequences, which you have learned can be devastating, you avoid the feeling of embarrassment like the plague.
If you struggle with embarrassment, notice that you tend to project disapproval where there may be none as well as not believe that empathy and understanding is possible for other people to feel towards you. It is highly likely that you learned this by growing up in environments where when others saw something about you that they disapproved of, the consequences were dire. You have learned that you can’t expect understanding, empathy, compassion and guiding instead of punishing from people. Because of this, you are socially anxious.
Obviously, embarrassment is an oppositional force to expressed authenticity. To express what is authentic is to exhibit what is real about you. And if we are dedicated to avoiding embarrassment, we will only exhibit what is sure to help us to attain social rewards and avoid social consequences.
All this being said, what should you do to cut through the embarrassment?
Immediately imagine the incident from the perspective of an outsider and then imagine another person doing the same thing. You will find that almost everything we feel embarrassed about isn’t as bad when you imagine it this way. For example, if you accidentally tripped over the sidewalk, close your eyes and imagine watching yourself doing it from the outside as if you are an observer. Then, imagine watching someone else trip in the exact same way. What do you think about them? How do you feel towards them? If you imagine that person tripping, chances are you will see it is no big deal and that other people are probably not thinking what you think they are thinking about you.
Embarrassment is all about not wanting and therefore avoiding and not choosing the social consequences. This brings you to a choice point, you either 1. Hide things from others in society to avoid the social consequences. 2. Agree with society and change that thing about yourself that society disapproves of and right your wrongs, or 3. Consciously oppose society’s perspective and change other people’s minds.
The antidote to embarrassment is to consciously choose the potential or actual social consequence or conflict in the name of something greater. For example, there can come a point when choosing to live authentically can provide greater payoff than the payoff of avoiding social disapproval. If you can find a way to actually be proud of whatever may cause you to meet with societal disapproval, you will not feel embarrassment. You have to decide that the thing being seen about you will lead to a greater payoff than societal approval. Or at the very least, that the thing being seen about you will lead to greater social approval in one social sphere, even if it leads you to less social approval in another. If you don’t see that people seeing that thing about you is going to get you something greater than the social approval, the pay off wont be worth it.
An example of how embarrassment can be diminished by consciously choosing social conflict is that if we see that exposing something about our self will help absolve someone else of their shame and sense of isolation, we will most likely feel much less embarrassed for people to see that thing about us. We are inclined to choose a sense of goodness and rightness over our aversion to embarrassment. Which is why often for the sake of what we perceive to be morally right, we will choose to expose something about ourselves that may line us up with social consequences.
Practice self-empathy. If we struggle with embarrassment, we tend to work extremely hard to maintain an acceptable image. We are like prison masters beating ourselves into the perfect way of being and acting. We govern ourselves with very little empathy. If you feel embarrassment for something, can you try to understand yourself and relate to yourself to the degree that you can let yourself off the hook? We develop self-compassion when we are present with the part of us that we perceive made the mistake or exhibited the behavior or character trait; or the part of us that is afflicted with a condition. As if this part of you is a separate person, see if you can look for ways that you relate to his or her pain. How is your pain the same as their pain? Can you identify their pain? See the past belonging to that part of you. Remember when you experienced that pain. Remember what that felt like. Remember what you thought. What did you really need back then when you were in that pain? How can you provide that for yourself and for other people now?
Take immediate responsibility for whatever has been exposed. Then convert the embarrassment into humor and connection. This will not only cause you to feel better about yourself, it will change how other people view you. You will most likely be back in social favor. People love when other people take responsibility and fully own their faux pas. They love it even more when people make fun of themselves. You will have converted something that would normally make you meet with social consequences into something that will make you meet with social approval because of the way they estimate your character if you are able to own things and laugh at yourself. Just make sure this isn’t perceived as a betrayal by one of your parts. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Also, convert the embarrassment into connection through common embarrassment. It can help immensely if we compare whatever we feel embarrassed about to other people who have experienced similar embarrassments. It will make us feel as if we are not so singled out in the embarrassment. The main pain embarrassment causes is the perception of being pushed away from others because of their diminished perspective of us. If we connect through stories of similar embarrassments, we can restore that sense of being pulled in and included instead of pushed away.
Stop expecting yourself to not care what other people think of you and instead learn how to be afraid. The desire to be close to other people is normal and natural. You are part of a group species. The sensation of embarrassment is telling you that you are at risk. This means you are afraid. You are afraid of social consequences, real or imagined. Don’t make an enemy of your desire to be close to others and valued and loved by them. Just learn how to tolerate and caretake your fear. We have an absolute intolerance for fear. But this makes it so our embarrassment is debilitating and controls our life. For more information about this and about how to overcome the jail that constantly avoiding other people’s opinions of you can be, watch my video titled: How To Stop Caring What Other People Think Of You. Also, pick up a copy of my book, The Anatomy of Loneliness, in which I have an entire section dedicated to Fear.
If you have to change your own mind about something being bad or wrong or reprehensible, then you are in shame. You believe that something you are embarrassed about is wrong or bad and implies something bad or wrong about you as a person. This is why you want no one to see it and are humiliated if someone does. The obvious way to change this is to really examine whether that something you are embarrassed about is actually wrong, bad or worthy of disapproval. The best approach may be to change your perspective about that thing so you no longer see it as wrong and bad or at the very least, no longer see it as something that is wrong or bad for other people to see. Unlike shame, embarrassment is usually the direct result of a specific situation and tends to be situation dependent. Shame tends to be much deeper. It is a judgment of ourselves as being bad instead of doing bad. It implies moral wrongness and reprehensibility. It is the act of pushing a part of ourselves away so as to gain social acceptance. It doesn’t tend to be situation dependent. If we struggle intensely with embarrassment, we may actually suffer from a baseline self concept of shame. If this is the case, I ask you to watch my video titled: How To Overcome Shame and pick up a copy of my book The Anatomy of Loneliness, in which I have an entire section of the book dedicated purely to understanding and overcoming shame.
Visualize yourself handing embarrassing situations. This works especially well if you are already preparing for some socially unacceptable thing associated with you (such as a frowned upon act or behavior or character trait or condition) to be witnessed or revealed to others. Imagine working through that situation before doing it in the external world. And imagine it going well. This may not only reveal the best way to handle the situation, it will also increase your confidence in terms of facing the potential social consequences. You may even discover how to avoid them all together.
If an embarrassment has happened, do not bother at all with “what if” or “if only” scenarios. It has already happened. Focusing any energy on how something could have gone different is fighting with what is. You have to accept what is. You can make things different in the future, but you cannot change what happened. Embrace whatever has been exposed or any mistake you have made. To accept is to recognize something as valid or correct. Doing this makes your being consent to receiving it and digesting it as truth instead of fighting to not acknowledge it and not take it in. Acceptance has nothing to do with condoning something or condemning something. It has nothing to do with whether you want to change something or not. It is simply about being able to acknowledge something as valid enough to let that acknowledgement in instead of fight to keep it out. When we don’t accept something that led to embarrassment, we will react in ways that lead to more embarrassment and social consequences that we want to avoid.
As people, we are moving into a space of consciousness where we do not behave and act and do things purely to receive social reward and avoid social consequences, but because after becoming aware, we will choose with our free will to live and express our self in a way that is in alignment with our authenticity. We will be living intrinsically instead of molding our self for extrinsic reward. As part of this, society will move away from punishment and reward and let go of the idea that the only way to establish social order is to educate people away from their own nature and into alignment with the collective social values and social ideals. Until then, you always have the choice to consciously choose the potential or actual social consequence in the name of something greater.
The C word… Cancer is one of the most feared and misunderstood ailments that people face today. And with the cancer rates increasing, the fear of cancer is going up. And what do I think about this? It’s completely unnecessary.
Cancer is basically a catchall term for diseases involving abnormal cell division and growth. This is why there are so many different kinds of cancer. This is also why it is highly likely that many of the diseases we classify as cancer today will no longer be classified as such in the future.
Some kinds of cancer form a mass of tissue called a tumor and some don’t. When a tumor does not invade the tissue surrounding it or spread to different parts of the body, it is called benign. When a tumor does, it is called malignant. Profound communication takes place in the body. All parts of the body are imbued with consciousness and all parts of the body receive signals for what to do and how to behave. All the cells in our body are listening to signals they are receiving. They are following orders and so they are performing specific functions. They divide in a methodical way and when they die, new cells take their place. Cancer cells are essentially cells that have ‘gone rogue’, but in an organized way. Cancer cells keep making new cells and growing to the point where they crowd out normal cells. They no longer respond to many of the signals that control cellular growth and death. This eventually causes problems in the part of the body where the cancer began as well as in the parts of the body where the cancer spreads, which it sometimes does. At this point it is called metastasis.
When it comes to cancer, there could not be more of a rift between the perspectives held by the world of allopathic medicine and the world of alternative medicine. Most of the allopathic world views cancer as a very serious and poorly understood disease, often a death sentence. The allopathic world views it as something to fight with everything you’ve got and the standard approach taken is surgery and chemotherapy. Most of the alternative medicine world views cancer as nothing more than a red flag. A red flag that if not heeded, can lead to death. The alternative medicine world views it as something to respond to, not something to fight therefore, the alternative medicine world tends to be against chemotherapy and often against surgery and tends to favor holistic approaches to healing.
These two ‘camps of thought’ tend to oppose one another with vicious fervor in regards to the approach each takes to cancer. The allopathic world blames deaths of cancer patients on alternative medicine practitioners thinking that if a person came to them instead for surgery and chemotherapy, they would have survived. The alternative medicine world blames the death of cancer patients on allopathic medicine practitioners thinking that the allopathic doctors did nothing more than lead the patient down a road away from true healing and into a war against their body, a war in which poisoning and cutting their body up is the approach taken to establish health. Both camps essentially view each other as totally and completely ignorant. But separate of that war, I am going to give you the more objective universal perspective about cancer.
The first thing to understand is that all things in this universe are made of energy; the same energy. And that energy that makes up all that is, is imbued with consciousness. This means that all things in this universe have consciousness. This united consciousness simply divided in order to create separate dimensions and separate things within those dimensions. In fact this happens much like the dividing of the zygote in utero. The physical structure of a thing is nothing more than a mirror of that consciousness in the same way that a house is a mirror of the blueprint or idea of that structure before it was physically built.
Imagine that as each division occurs, each new cell is not only connected to the overall united consciousness, but also has its own individual consciousness. You are essentially one of these cell divisions within source consciousness. You have your own unique consciousness and you are also one with united consciousness, regardless of whether you are aware of it or not. But it doesn’t stop there. You are also divided. Your organs all have their own unique consciousness. This is why one organ becomes a heart and the other a liver. And each tiny cell also has its own unique consciousness. It is also connected to the overall consciousness of the body. But the same way that you more closely follow the programming of your family and society, cells in the body more closely follow the programming of the specific part of the body that they are a part of. For this reason, to understand cancer, you have got to begin to see yourself not as an individual but as an ecosystem that goes by one name. All parts of that ecosystem have unique relationships with one another.
Now we have to stretch our minds even further. If the physical is merely a reflection or extension of consciousness then everything that happens in the realm of consciousness, including thoughts and emotions, effects and alters the way the physical body forms itself. The signals sent to the cells therefore changes. This is why people are correct in identifying that there is a mental and emotional root for each and every illness or ailment that a person experiences. It is also why the alternative medicine practitioners are correct in understanding that when it comes to something like cancer, using surgery and radiation is to eradicate flies from a garbage site, thinking that the flies are the cause of the garbage. And assuming that you did cut out or radiate away specific cells without changing the faulty blueprint for why those cells are doing what they are doing, they will only come back.
Even though there are so many different forms of cancer, all cancers have one dominant precursor in common: The Perception of Being Out Of Control. When this is the perception, it creates signals that create exactly that manifestation within the physical body. This is a big deal because we came to this life as conscious creators. It is critical for our wellbeing to feel as if we can desire something and actually manifest that thing we desire with our free will. It is a huge detriment to our wellbeing to perceive that we cannot do this. It is to feel prevented from our own expansion.
Taking one step further, each part of the body, having its own unique consciousness, correlates to specific things. Many of these things are straightforward, many are not. For example, bones correlate to stability and support, especially with regards to the stability and support provided by the enduring and unshakable honest truth of a person’s life in any given moment. Breasts correlate to the way we give our energy to others. Lungs correlate to relationship. They correlate to the way we take in energy and give energy specifically with regards to other people and beyond that, with the world itself. If you want to understand each cancer, look for what powerlessness a person feels in their perception of being out of control relative to the specific aspect of consciousness that correlates to the area of the body that the cancer has begun in and then spread to. What is the perceived threat that this person feels out of control relative to?
For example, the root cause of lung cancer would be the feeling of total powerlessness within relationships. This is a person who perceives themselves to be totally out of control of the process or free will involved in giving and receiving from others. This is a person who tends to feel isolated, distrusting, end up in love-hate relationships, has difficulty committing to relationships and therefore, because life is relationships, has difficulty committing to life on earth itself. Because of this, this person is in a fight with whether to take in life at all. And to make a long story very short, this is a very difficult pattern to change within a person’s consciousness because the healing involves experiencing of the opposite within relationships. It also involves them having to commit to something they don’t want to commit to because it feels like committing to something that has done nothing but hurt them.
From an objective universal perspective, cancer is Civil War occurring within the consciousness and therefore, body. You could see cancer as being a civil war waged by an “entity”. And this entity that is behind cancer has its own individual consciousness. This is why it could be said that Cancer itself has its own consciousness. The "entity" that we call ‘Cancer’ is often a fragment within the
person's own consciousness. It is ‘drafting’ cells of the body and by doing so, is creating a state within the body that is akin to a civil war. To understand more about this, watch my videos titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease &
There Is No Such Thing as Self Sabotage. What doctors call ‘Cancer’ is simply the physical cells that have been 'drafted' by this ‘entity’. The closer that the medical field gets to this understanding in the years to come, the more that doctors will come to view Cancer in a similar way to how they view autoimmune disorders today.
From an objective universal perspective, when a person feels out of control of their life going in a direction they feel powerless to prevent, the cells themselves are left without certain control signals. This entity, which is not physical, then steps into power/control in response so as to get these cells to form a new ‘group’ within the larger system of the body. It can be compared to when a country is in civil war and a leader converts a group of people to form a new government. This new government uses the body’s life force energy to survive and acts as a diversion and therefore strain upon the body’s resources. And it only stands to reason that if someone feels totally out of control of themself, they are a match to falling under new government.
Cancer is a consciousness that manifests itself to create massive shifts within a person through antagonism specifically. Consider it a perfect match (vibrationally speaking) to a person perceiving himself or herself to be totally out of control of and powerless to a situation. It is as if the entity of cancer manifests so as to say “you’re right, if you are totally out of control then I will totally take control and if you want to take control back, you’re going to have to become aware of your own powerlessness and take back your free will and make some serious changes and fast”. For this reason, it could be said that while one part of you perceives the cancer as being totally out of control growth, the cancer cells themselves are actually following the directions of a consciousness that is absolutely in control relative to how much cancer cells to produce and where.
But here is the single most important thing to understand about cancer. If you forget everything else, remember this: If you will remember the story of Mara and Buddha, you will recall that Buddha’s awakening was caused by Mara. He is therefore not an enemy. He is an antagonistic awakener. And it was not through the fighting of Mara that Buddha became enlightened. It was through the accepting of Mara as part of himself and through the awareness that was gained as a result of really facing him, that he became enlightened.
Cancer is an antagonistic ally. It always, always comes with one massive antagonistic message: You cannot keep living your life like you have been living it. In fact, if you continue to, the only way to keep in alignment with your desires and expansion is death.
One thing to understand about cancer is that it does not happen within a person in a healthy state. It happens when there is a failure of a natural process. Even when we look at etiological factors that people will discover relative to cancer, they do not invalidate this root cause of cancer. Instead, they act as adjunct factors that increase a person’s likelihood to develop the disease.
When people get cancer, they have a decision to make and that is whether to treat the cancer allopathically or alternatively or both, knowing that if they treat it both ways, they are going to face situations where they are caught in-between very strong conflicting opinions.
All this being said, everyone has an opinion about what a person should do if they have cancer and it all becomes very different if they, themselves have cancer. For this reason, I think it would be more impactful if I simply told you, based on everything I know about cancer, what I would do if I developed cancer.
I would immediately understand that cancer is not a disease, it is a survival mechanism. It is a reactive healing mechanism. I have become a match to a teacher manifesting internally. I would understand that I had kept going forward with a way of thinking and behaving in a direction that was out of alignment for me in spite of the resistance I felt. And so this teacher that manifested is an antagonistic one. But I would also understand, having interacted with this entity that is cancer for so many years, that it is actually violently on my side. It is on my side in terms of my personal authentic truth and authentic desires and authentic needs and authentic purpose and authentic expansion to the degree that it is more than willing to fight the parts of me that are currently in opposition to those things. I would therefore from that day forward, not focus on getting rid of the cancer at all, but instead give it permission to and even ask it to stay as long as it needs to ensure I have made those changes. I would therefore focus on developing a harmonious relationship with it and dedicating myself to listen to its message and making whatever difficult change needs to be made with my free will so that I am governing my being again with my free will and in alignment with my personal truth.
I would seek to understand what area of my life I feel out of control about, this would greatly depend on what part of the body the cancer has effected. I would dedicate myself to total and complete awareness of all of the layers involved in that perspective of powerlessness. I would dedicate myself to go directly into that pain instead of away from it. I would uncover the beliefs fueling that powerlessness, the traumatic and painful memories of the experiences that caused those beliefs. I would seek to resolve those experiences and change those patterns. By doing that, I would become conscious of the needs I have and aware of what is in alignment for myself.
I would make those very difficult changes to my life that the awareness has brought me to realizing I need to make. For example, if the message the cancer had for me was to quit my career, I would do that. If the message cancer had for me was, I have to move to a different part of the world, I would do that. But I wouldn’t do it to get away from cancer, I’d do it because I am listening deeply to the wisdom of the cancer itself, so as to get closer to my personal truth, which I had obviously fallen out of touch with.
Cancer is difficult because to overcome it, you cannot keep living the same way you have been living. You have to do what anyone who is given no time to live does… prioritize how you feel more than anything else. Give up the things that you dislike doing, but that provide a sense of security for you. This means you are facing potentially having to let go of relationships, where you live, jobs etc. You are facing having to give up potentially everything for a whole different life. I would under no circumstances try to find a way to continue the life I am living as if bargaining with the cancer itself. I would already know that cancer does not bargain. It comes with the message change no matter how scary it is no matter what, or else. I would understand that cancer cannot occur unless there is a civil war within. It cannot happen unless there is a fight within my own consciousness. My goal would be to end that war.
I would only opt for surgery if the tumor itself were making it impossible to do the above steps and I would make sure that I created alignment between opposed parts of myself with the decision to do so before going under the knife. These methods are the same as trimming the plant and thinking it will not grow back when the root is still there because that root is usually not something most professionals are aware of.
I would give my body and emotions and mind the absolute best support I can in order to heal. My focus would not be on what to do against the cancer; it would be on what to do for the body and mind and emotions. I would focus especially on support for my immune system. This means removing as many etiological factors as I can. This means being in a healthy environment free of toxins, doing what I need to feel emotionally nourished. Doing activities I enjoy, eating a super healthy diet, sleeping, being touched in soothing ways, exercising in life nourishing ways, surrounding myself with people with whom I have emotionally intimate relationships. I would focus on doing lots of cleansing so as to reduce the toxicity in the various systems of my body. I would move to a place where I can legally juice raw cannabis and drink it every day. I would also do other forms of juicing so as to super dose my body with life supporting nutrients. I would enhance the healthy communication and therefore unification factor in my body by interacting with fungi, especially taking certain mushrooms such as Cordyceps, Reishi, Maitake, Turkey Tail and Agaricus Blazei Muril. I would also take high doses of curcumin and flax seed oil. I would also take probiotics.
I would sleep with and wear fluorite crystals first and foremost as well as annabergite, selenite and petalite crystals. I would do oxygen therapy. I would do enemas, dry brushing and drink ionized water daily. I would use frankincense, clary sage, turmeric, lavender, thyme, chamomile and holy basil essential oil and make sure to get sunlight every day. I would also stay open to trying any other life and health supporting methods that I feel resonate with me at the time. I would support the body to create resolution physically, while doing the much more important psychological and emotional resolution so as to complete the healing cycle.
Cancer is a complex healing mechanism that develops only when there is a need for it. It develops as a healing crisis when there is a need to change aspects of your life immediately because the lack of change has led to a state of internal toxicity on a mental, emotional and then physical level. Cancer can vanish in about 24 to 36 hours. People can and have gone from a death sentence to cured overnight. This is part of why doctors are sometimes totally dumbfounded by recoveries.
In my opinion, death fright is one of the saddest things that allopathic medicine (as well meaning as it is) has created around cancer. When a person is in a state of death fright, the body cannot heal and stress chemicals are preventing healing. The body goes into a freeze state that paralyzes most of the functions within the body. People waste away as a result of it because they cannot take in energy or let go of energy in a freeze state. They cannot sleep either. It also impairs the immune system. The worst thing you could do for someone who needs to heal is to put them in a state of fear and I am begging doctors to understand this.
Cancer is not something that you have to fight. In fact, if you address it as something you need to fight, you are much less likely to survive. Although in today’s world, with the medical world’s limited understanding of cancer, it is totally understandable why you are afraid of cancer and why it shocks you. But there is no need to be frightened of cancer. It is here for you, not against you. It is an antagonistic ally calling you to make changes and fast; changes in alignment with your currently bulldozed personal truth. Make those changes and there is no longer a reason for the cancer to be there. There will be no reason for the cancer to be there because there will no longer be reason for civil war. You will be governing your life with your free will and so there is no room for any other governing entity to disapprove of the way you are running things and to claim control.
As many of you know, I was severely abused in childhood. And standing here today, I have completely forgiven the man who abused me as a child. So when it comes to forgiveness, I am overqualified not just as a teacher of universal truth, but also as a personal survivor, to share with you the truths and myths about forgiveness.
Many people have been confused about why I haven’t taught directly about forgiveness up to this point. The reason is that forgiveness is such a spiritual trap and the typical human approach to it causes so much damage that I would rather the average person not focus on it at all.
One thing people cannot seem to agree upon is what it means to forgive someone. To forgive someone is to give up feeling resentment, anger or the need for requital that you hold relative to someone or something that you feel has hurt you. It is experienced as a deep relief. A deep relief of tension occurs in forgiveness because you are no longer stuck on a hook of not being able to move forward in life because of what happened. You are no longer on the hook to need something like retaliation or compensation from them in order to move forward. You are no longer plagued by painful feelings of resentment or anger or resistance towards them.
I am going to begin this talk by making a statement that I never want you to forget about forgiveness. It is going to set the stage for your understanding of forgiveness, and here it is: You Cannot Force Forgiveness. You cannot TRY to forgive. You cannot force forgiveness no matter how much you want to.
The greatest misconception relative to forgiveness is that you can simply choose to forgive. People approach forgiveness as if it is a red button that you can just push and that if you haven’t pushed it yet, you must be either intellectually challenged or enjoy stubbornly refusing to get over something.
People want you to forgive for two reasons. The first is that it is natural to want people to feel good instead of bad. The second is that it makes them feel uncomfortable feelings for us to have negative feelings, especially if those feelings are about a specific person. And most especially if those feelings are about they, themselves. In other words, they want us to change the way we feel because they are not ok with feeling their own negative emotion. To tell someone that they have to forgive is emotional abuse. It is to tell someone they shouldn’t feel how they feel and therefore to stop feeling how they feel. It is to shame them if they can’t just decide to feel differently. And if you are telling someone to forgive someone specifically, you just became a pardoner of the other person’s offense. You told the person who feels deeply hurt by someone to just take it. This makes you worse than a bystander. It makes you an enabler.
You want to forgive for two reasons. The first is that it is natural to want to feel good and if you feel like you can’t get over something, like you are resentful and angry and need requital, you aren’t feeling good. The second is that forgiveness is considered to be so virtuous and non-forgiveness so bad that you cannot be in a state of non-forgiveness and feel like you are a good person. You feel like you have to forgive in order to maintain a positive self-concept. Except there is one scenario where this is flipped and that is with regards to forgiving ourselves. Subconsciously we feel that forgiving ourselves makes us bad. That we must never forgive ourselves for the way we have hurt ourselves or others because if we do let ourselves off of the hook, we run the risk of causing harm again. This is our engrained sense of penance.
The main reason you can’t force forgiveness is that a lack of forgiveness is about painful emotions. You cannot just choose not to feel a certain way, as if hitting a red button with your free will. Emotions do not work like this. Your feelings never ever lie. They never lie because they are always a perfectly accurate reflection of a perception that you hold. In order to feel differently therefore, you have to change your perspective entirely. And unfortunately, changing your perception is also not something that you can just choose to do as if pushing a red button. For example, if a drunk driver hit someone and they ended up paralyzed, it takes a hell of a lot more than just deciding to see it as a good thing in order to consider it a blessing to have been paralyzed instead of feel like it is a curse every time you have to hoist yourself onto your wheelchair.
I cannot tell you how many people I have shaken hands with who tell me that they have forgiven someone and it is total and complete malarkey. What it is, is bypassing and suppression through fragmentation. Spiritual bypassing is the cancer of the spiritual world. It is a disease that has run rampant in both religious and non-religious circles. Spiritual bypassing (or whitewashing) is the act of using spiritual beliefs to avoid facing or healing one’s painful feelings, unresolved wounds and unmet needs. It is a state of avoidance. Because it is a state of avoidance, it is a state of resistance. I personally, consider Spiritual bypassing to be the shadow side of spirituality. Spiritual beliefs of any spiritual tradition and even simply societal beliefs can provide ample justification for living in a state of inauthenticity. They can all provide justification for avoiding the unwanted aspects of one’s own feelings and state of being in favor of what is considered to be “a more enlightened or virtuous state of being”. In today’s world, we have little tolerance for working through our pain. We much prefer instantaneous solutions that involve numbing out pain.
When we use spirituality to whitewash over our issues and try to avoid them, we use the goal of spiritual transcendence to try to rise above the raw and messy and real side of human life before we have fully faced and made peace with it. This can be seen as premature and false transcendence. And it is dangerous because it sets up a major division internally. It creates a definable split between where one really is and where one thinks they should be. It enables us to lie to ourselves and delude ourselves and live our lives through the projection of a false self.
When we have been hurt, we so often suppress, deny and disown the part of us that feels those raw unresolved feelings and identify with a coping part of ourselves that is ‘beyond it all’. We cannot heal unless we are willing to admit to where we are and who we are. Bypassing is like breaking your leg, but being unwilling to admit to it, putting a band-aid over the compound fracture and trying to continue forward anyway. If you are struggling to wrap your minds around forgiveness and in order to fully understand this, I ask you to watch three of my videos titled: Spiritual Bypassing, The Sad Truth About Most Gurus (Selective Identification) And Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
It takes a very, very keen perception to discern whether someone has really forgiven or whether they have erected a false persona whilst suppressing the rest of themselves that happens to be beyond it all. I’ll give you a tip. If someone has truly reached a place of forgiveness, they will not ever tell you to forgive. Also, if someone has bypassed instead of truly forgiven, their world is full of people who mirror the parts of themselves that they suppress. People who have not forgiven and whom are mad at them for their transcendent stance on issues.
When we turn away from our pain or away from “wherever we are”, we abandon ourselves. We resist the very thing we are trying to avoid. But most terrifying of all (and this should come with a huge warning) we guarantee that it will come up in our realities again; only it will come back bigger next time. It is at this point that we eventually have to face whatever it is that we actually have to face and really integrate those painful emotional states and come up with a perception that changes the perspective of our most hurt aspects, not a perspective that enables us to suppress, deny and disown them. True forgiveness happens when all parts of us are able to move forward and feel good doing so, not just some parts of us.
That being said, how does one get to a place of forgiveness?
When you or someone else is in a state of pain relative to feeling hurt by someone else, get the idea of forgiveness out of your head. Don’t even bring it up. Get the idea of healing in your mind instead. Forgiveness implies profound healing must take place. And when you walk the path of healing, forgiveness is something that happens to you and often quite spontaneously. It is as if forgiveness falls in your lap as a result of taking previous and seemingly unrelated steps on the healing path. But what is healing?
At the most fundamental level, everything is energy. Energy is simply potential energy until different patterns arise within that energy. These patterns are what dictates whether energy ultimately becomes a toothbrush or an emotion or a tree. Patterns are like the blueprint of your physical existence. Because everything is a pattern, all forms of illness are also specific patterns. To heal something is to change that pattern. Therefore, the first layer to understand about healing is that to heal is to change a pattern. It is the opposite of repetition and redundancy. Now we must look at how to change a pattern.
When something is unhealed, it is exhibiting a pattern that we don’t like. It is in a state that is unwanted. Therefore, we can greatly simplify healing in that it is a change of a pattern that is unwanted into a pattern that is wanted. This usually entails changing it into the opposite pattern. Therefore, the second layer to understand about healing is that healing is to experience the opposite.
If our leg is broken, to change that pattern of broken into its opposite is to put together/ mend it.
If we feel demeaned, to heal is to feel valued.
If we are abused to heal is to be treated lovingly.
If we feel powerless, to heal is to feel empowered.
If we are stuck, to heal is to be able to move.
Now that you understand that to heal is to change a pattern into the opposite, look at whatever situation you feel a lack of forgiveness about. Look at the pain you experienced. What would the opposite pattern be? Make that your aim, not forgiveness. Sometimes, the changing of a pattern like this (the move from powerless to empowered for example) happens with the changing of one single belief and takes no time at all. Other times, it is a process that involves the changing of several beliefs and the experiencing of several things and many layers until a person is truly experiencing the opposite and therefore has healed.
If you look at people who have truly forgiven, you will find that you are looking at someone who is already living out the healed state of being. For example, if your adult relationships are still painful as hell as a result of your childhood relationships with Mom and Dad, chances are you have not forgiven Mom and Dad. Every time a relationship proves to be a repeat of that original relationship programming, you hate them because you feel hurt by them and you feel you can’t move forward because if it had only been different, you wouldn’t be in these painful patterns today. When you find yourself in a truly good adult relationship, it is as if you have transformed the pattern that was caused by that original wounding and so, you do not need anything from them anymore in terms of requital. You already have what you need and what that situation caused you to want. More than that, you can see how that wounding may have been a pivotal part in even getting that. Thus, you have forgiven Mom and Dad.
I have created a process, which can be instrumental in the healing of these injuries. It is called The Completion Process. To learn this process and start applying it today, I suggest you get a copy of my book which details the process that is quite literally titled, The Completion Process.
You have got to stop resisting where you are, stop expecting yourself to feel better and expecting yourself to forgive. Instead, you have to admit to where you are. Accept that where you are, is the reality. It isn’t about approving of where you are. It is about accepting the reality that where you are is where you are and how you feel is how you feel. And instead of running from those very painful feelings and the part of yourself that feels them, be completely, unconditionally present with them. Listen for the very important personal truths being conveyed by each emotion. With each emotion that arises, you need to:
#1. To become aware of the emotion
#2. To care about the emotion by seeing it as valid and important
#3. To listen empathetically to the emotion in an attempt to understand the way you feel. This allows you to feel safe to be vulnerable without fear of judgment. Seek to understand, it isn’t about whether all of you agrees or not.
#4 To acknowledge and validate your feelings. This may include finding words to label your emotion. To acknowledge and validate feelings, we do not need to validate that the thoughts we have about our emotions are correct, instead we need to know that it is a valid thing to feel the way that we feel. For example, if the thought behind your emotion is, “I feel useless”, we do not validate ourselves by saying “I’m right I am useless”. We could validate by saying “I can totally see how that would make me feel useless and anyone would feel the same way if they were me”.
#5. To allow ourselves to feel how we feel and to experience our emotion fully before moving towards any kind of improvement in the way we feel. We need to give ourselves permission to dictate when we are ready to move up the vibrational scale and into a different emotion. This is the step where we practice unconditional presence and unconditional love. We are there with our emotions without trying to “fix” them.
#6. After and only after our feelings have been validated and acknowledged and fully felt, we can strategize ways to shift into a better feeling state. This is the step where you can find new ways of looking at a situation that may improve the way you are feeling.
Often times, when we are accepting a reality relative to something that has hurt us, we end up in grief. Grief is a process that we must allow ourselves to fully experience, not try to escape out of. There is often a perception of a loss in association with being hurt. For example, I perceived that I had lost my whole childhood and would never get it back due to my childhood abuser. In my case, in order to heal, I had to grieve for that lost childhood.
When I was healing from the abuse in my childhood, I spent months where the most healing thing to do was to imagine burning this man who had ruined my life alive and burning my childhood to the ground before that no longer felt like improvement. It was then that I was ready for the next step. The reason that we feel revengeful and anger is because it is an improvement upon the powerlessness that we feel when someone hurts us. To understand more about this, watch my videos titled: Accept It, The Key To Letting Go, When The Only Way to Be Ok is to Not Be Ok and How to Deal With Anger. If we spend our lives resisting what happened, which is what we are doing when we cannot accept the reality of what has happened, we are living our life pushing against what was instead of putting our energy towards what we want to create instead.
Forgiveness occurs when we find a perspective that truly changes the way our most hurt aspect views the situation. You can look literally anywhere for this. Perspectives are absolutely everywhere. I am a big fan of doing this in a way that does not suggest that we shouldn’t be holding the perspective we are holding. For example, lets say you were hurt by your mother. If someone says, “Her childhood was even worse than yours she did the best that she could”, this perspective will do nothing in terms of creating forgiveness, in fact it only makes the way you feel worse because it implies that because of that perspective, we shouldn’t be holding our own. What we have to be doing is to be looking for a perspective that without invalidating our own, makes us change the way that we see the situation so that we feel genuine relief relative to anger and resentment and no desire for requital. The perspective that works is going to be unique for each person and unique to each situation.
For me, this happened quite spontaneously. After years of being on the healing path relative to my childhood, I was thinking about a memory that changed my perspective so drastically; it threw forgiveness in my lap entirely. I remembered that every time he would sodomize me, which happened any time I was with him when the wind was strong, he would stand up as if horrified and run away. I rarely saw any emotion from him. One day, he did this in a field where I saw where he went. I watched him on his hands and knees in the field crying and rocking. I realized that he was doing the same thing to me that was done to him all along. I realized that he had succeeded in pulling me into the hell he couldn’t escape from and now, I was the person who understood his pain and trauma more than anyone else in the world. In that instant, I could no longer see him as a monster, but a desperate person who was so alone in his torment, he had pulled me into hell with him. Ironically, this was something I had said I felt like doing any time I saw people laughing and talking about their normal lives during the time I was trying to overcome all the scars my childhood left on me. I started crying like crazy that day and my anger evaporated. I did not want punishment for him any longer. I wanted healing. To bring that healing to people like him had become part of my mission on this planet. I needed nothing from him anymore. I could see in that second how everything that happened fit into my purpose here on the planet and how without those experiences, I’d be less than half as good at what I do today. I’d have lots of spiritual information but absolutely no clue how to bridge the gap between that information and the depths of hell that make that information sound like total BS. And here’s the thing, if you had suggested any of those perspectives before I was ready, it wouldn’t have worked. It would have been like trying to force a paraplegic to get up and run a week after the accident.
Compassion and empathy. This step should never be done prematurely. If you try to get someone who was hurt to find compassion for the person who they feel hurt by, it is abusive. It is to ask a person to open their heart to someone who is kicking it. This has to be something a person genuinely wants to look for, not so that they can feel like a good person or do what is “right”, but because they are ready to stop the terrible feeling of tension that the resentment and need for requital creates. Compassion is a form of connectedness because it arises when we feel a sympathetic commonality with someone. In other words, we experience a shared felt experience of pain. There is a harmony inherent in shared feelings, as well as shared understanding. When we feel compassion, we feel sorrow and understanding and concern for the suffering of someone or something else. And having that shared commonality of pain and therefore sorrow and concern for them, then compels us to alter our perspective and feelings and actions towards that thing. Think back to a time when you were watching a movie or a show where a character experienced something that caused them to suffer and instantly you got a physiological sensation of connection with that character. You instantly related to that person and understood them as well as what they need. This is compassion. Compassion immediately arises when someone experiences pain that we relate to. Compassion naturally arises as a result of relating to someone’s suffering. Therefore, all we must to in order to feel compassion and know what action to take towards that thing is to DELIBERATELY LOOK FOR HOW YOU RELATE TO THEIR PAIN. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: Compassion (And How To Cultivate Compassion).
Gratitude or appreciation. Just like I said with the step of compassion, this step should never be done prematurely. If you try to get someone who was hurt to find gratitude or appreciation for the way they were hurt, it is abusive. It is to ask someone to kiss the hand that slaps them. Often this happens naturally and on its own as a result of living into the state of healing. This is the step where a person is ready to open to the perspective that contains the gift of the experience. This is where you can see how the painful experience or painful person added positively to your life in some way.
Face the step of forgiveness called the refusal to forgive. Resentment is a huge part of forgiveness. We can’t be fully conscious about resentment without being conscious about the subconscious positive intention below it. It is a refusal to forgive. Letting go or forgiving gives most people the feeling that they simultaneously have to let go of the unmet need to be treated fairly and justly in a way that creates trust. It feels like self-betrayal. And so, in order to honor their pain as well as honor their need to have just and fair treatment, they will not forgive. Resentment essentially can be like a wall that a person uses to protect themselves and try to get their needs met.
A person may keep resentment as both a boundary and a personal reminder as if to say “No one will ever do this to me again”. Also, the sense of self, also called the ego can feel a sense of itself being right and good when it is in the victim role (good and right) with someone else being in the perpetrator role (bad and wrong). Often, especially in close relationships, being the one who was wronged puts the other person in a role where they have to “make it up to you”. This is a less powerless role with more of a guarantee of fair treatment going forward. So it can be a way of using past wrong treatment as leverage to get what you want from someone and/or to stay safe.
If you distrust someone because they treated you unfairly, it is quite tempting to control them through guilt in this way. For this reason, it is beneficial to ask yourself honestly, what bad thing am I afraid would happen if I were to forgive the person I feel resentment towards today or if I forgave myself for my role in the situation? For example, perhaps my answer might be, if I forgive him or her, I make what they did to me ok and it isn’t ok. Or if I forgive him or her, they will not get how much they hurt me, so they will do it to me again. Or if I forgive him or her, I’m being like a human punching bag or doormat, which is pathetic. Or if I forgive him or her, I’ll never receive the justice and fair treatment I need. Then question this perspective. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Resentment (How To Let Go of Resentment). The anger and resentment and expectation for compensation that you feel is so, so natural. You are right to feel that way. But that doesn’t change the fact that it is a poison that eats you from within. Thinking that it will do something to the person who has hurt you is like drinking poison, thinking it will harm the other person.
You must know that all people are being intrinsically led in the direction of improvement and healing. You do not have to force them to heal any more than you have to go over to them and hold the two sides of their cut together in order for it to heal. It does not feel good for people to be in a place of anger and resentment and needing requital. And so, all people are being intrinsically led to forgiveness.
But you can ask yourself “What do I need in order to let go of this situation or what do I need in order to forgive in this situation?” What can I do with what I have, from where I am? When you forgive someone, it’s as if you are setting a prisoner free only to discover that you were the prisoner all along. Happiness and internal freedom is found in the alteration of the point of view you are holding about a subject. If you remove yourself far enough from the limited point of view of pain, you will see that we are all nothing but the victims of victims. But you cannot force forgiveness because you cannot force the process of healing.
Forgiving is not forgetting. You cannot lie to yourself forever that you are where you aren’t. You can’t will yourself into forgiving just because you know it would be such a better place to be. Forgiveness is healing the state of pain in your own life. You have not fully forgiven something until you are able to find genuine approval for it having happened to the degree that there is nothing left to forgive. And this perspective is one that all people have the capacity to reach if we will only have the love in us enough to let the process of getting to this perspective unfold within them.
Eating disorders affect millions of people worldwide. They affect both men and women and they can have disastrous impact on a person’s life. Because eating disorders involve food, it is tempting to believe that an eating disorder is about food, when it isn’t. It’s about establishing a sense of safety through self-control and food is merely a tool with which to accomplish that. Bulimia is an eating disorder that like most eating disorders is much less about food itself than it is about trying to cope with emotional pain. For this reason it could be considered a behavioral addiction instead. Today I’m going to take you beneath the surface of bulimia so you can see what conditions actually create it and thus how to truly resolve it.
People with bulimia binge eat. This means that within a minimal amount of time, they consume a significantly larger amount of food than most people would eat in a similar amount of time and under similar circumstances. And during that time, they feel out of control over their eating, such as what they are eating and how much of it. And therefore, it is experienced as an ‘episode’. Then the person compensates for that episode in recurrent and excessive ways; the most common compensatory behavior being self induced vomiting. This is why people who describe bulimia, usually describe the behavior in terms of bingeing and purging. But compensatory behaviors can also include the use of laxatives, diuretics, other medications, excessive exercise or fasting. Like those who suffer from anorexia, people who suffer from bulimia tend to obsessively evaluate themselves based on their body shape and body weight and tend to suffer from an inaccurate perception of their own weight (body dysmorphia).
The compensatory reaction to the episodes of eating are a real key to look at because seeing as how the binging is experienced as a loss of control, the compensation behaviors are all designed to gain back a sense of control. Forcing themselves to vomit is a way to control themselves, so is developing food rituals such as eating only specific foods or foods from a specific food group or excessive chewing. So is skipping meals, so it hoarding food, so is specifically not eating when other people are eating.
When people experience an ailment, most people want a physiological explanation or an esoteric explanation that takes past lives or karma or spirits into account. People want to use these purely physiological or esoteric explanations to avoid facing the real root cause of the situation, which often forces them to take a look at their childhood and their relationships with people who they have in their life. For many people, the relationship they have with their family of origin is a relationship they protect as if it is sacred. They will not entertain the idea that there was dysfunction in those relationships. In order to preserve the relationships the way they are and not rock the boat, it’s easier to just take responsibility for being messed up. But if they do this, they will never have awareness of what is actually going on. Eating disorders are one of these conditions where in order to gain full awareness of what is going on, you must be willing to revisit the emotional conditions of your childhood and confront the reality of your current relationships.
To understand the motive for this behavioral addiction, we need to understand the life experiences of those who suffer from bulimia. The early life experienced by those who struggle with bulimia was a perpetual gaslight. This is why people with this disorder often feel as if they are totally losing their mind. A gaslight is when someone leads you to believe that the reality you perceive is not reality. What you see, you didn’t see, what you hear, you didn’t hear, what you feel, you have no reason to feel and isn’t right to feel.
Imagine that you walked out of your bedroom and I walked into your bedroom and I replaced your bed cover. When you came back into the room and noticed and asked me why I did that, imagine that I say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, that was the cover you had on there all along.” That feeling you would have right there in that minute is the dominant feeling that people with bulimia had in their family of origin. Except it happened so often, the only way they could cope with that feeling was to suppress, reject, deny and disown it. They started to gaslight themselves for the sake of harmony with the household. They bought into whatever the family “story of reality” was and totally tried to bury the part of them that was screaming “this isn’t right”.
For example, the reason that bulimia is so common to see in conjunction with childhood sex abuse (aside from the lack of control aspect, which I will get into later) is that when incest is occurring, the child knows that something is very wrong and knows that it doesn’t feel good and is terrified. But the reality that is sold to her is often something along the lines of “this is daddy’s special time with you and this makes you very special to daddy.” These two realities do not match up. It is a gaslight. But the little girl will tend to suppress that core reality of hers and align with her father’s reality of the situation. In this way, by defending his estimation of their relationship and saying “my dad and I have a special relationship and we have special time together”, she begins to gaslight herself from the inside.
But as you can guess, a person cannot gaslight themselves and stay healthy. Whatever is suppressed will boil up through the floorboards. The negative emotions that have been buried, function like a poison within; a poison that begins to make a person feel totally toxic inside and behaviors as well as symptoms begin to develop. One of the very best examples I’ve seen of this dynamic and how it plays into bulimia that you can see for yourself is a character named Daisy, played by the actress Brittany Murphy in the film Girl Interrupted.
There does not necessarily have to be sexual abuse going on in order to become bulimic, but there does always have to be gas lighting going on in order to become bulimic. Most families do not gaslight their children intentionally. It is often done unintentionally. But this doesn’t mean it isn’t happening and doing real damage. For example, if a child has a dad that is alcoholic and passed out, but mom says “dad’s just tired, he had a long day at work”, that is gas lighting. If the conflict in a household happens behind closed doors and the child is required to join the rest of the family in giving the impression to the outside world that the family is perfect and that there is no conflict going on at all, this is gas lighting. If the affection or love that is being shown in a family is not sincere and is done for show, this is a gaslight. If gifts or other forms of love are given as a form of leverage so the child will owe the parent something or feel indebted to them in some way, but the parent says they do it out of love and shames the child for thinking otherwise, this is a gaslight. In this type of a setting, love feels disgusting and toxic. To make matters worse, seeing as how you can only control your life from reality instead of illusion, but your reality is being treated as if it doesn’t exist, you feel totally powerless to control the circumstances of your life. And this lack of control goes even deeper.
A boundary is a sense of who we are as a person. Our reality is a big part of this. Personal boundaries are really nothing more than definition. What defines me from others? What are my thoughts, my feelings, my likes and dislikes, my desires? What is right for me personally and wrong for me personally? Defining these things allows us to navigate through life and make the right choices for ourselves. Boundaries have nothing to do with other people until we run into a conflict between them and us; for example, a conflict between our reality and theirs or a conflict between our desires and theirs.
There are specific phases in our life where boundaries become very important to establish, these phases are the phases of individuation. If emotional trauma is encountered during these phases, we do not develop healthy boundaries. Without healthy boundaries, we do not have a strong sense of self. We feel totally out of control of ourselves. The people in our lives and the circumstances in our lives are the ones that have control over us.
Some parents, especially those who are narcissistic, cannot differentiate between themselves and their child. They cannot see their child as an individual that is different from them. They cannot see their child as having his or her own thoughts, feelings, wants and needs and likes and dislikes and so they do not honor their child’s boundaries. They do not honor their child’s reality at all. As a result, the child experiences relentless boundary invasion. This can take the form of extreme situations like being spanked for saying no or more subtle situations like a child saying “I want the red one” and the parent saying “no, you want the purple one”. But the thing to understand is with people who suffer from bulimia; these kinds of interactions, where their sense of self is being disregarded, go on all the time.
People with bulimia who are in touch with their childhood memories, will report that they felt more like objects or pets at the mercy of what their parent decides for them. When they protest these invasions, they learn very quickly that this leads to punishments or withdrawal of love and worse, gas lighting. They can’t say enough is enough to the parent. If they express their dissatisfaction, which is toxicity, the parent turns it back on the child. This is akin to forcing energetic vomit back into someone’s mouth. So they cannot acknowledge the invasion or stop it. Imagine the despair of that situation. They begin to feel totally out of control of themselves in the same way that a doll would feel out of control if it were alive because someone else is treating it like a belonging with no personal choice.
The only way this child can cope in this environment is to abandon their own boundaries, their estimation of reality along with it. And begin to gaslight themselves and violate their own boundaries for the sake of closeness with the social group.
Because of all of this, people with bulimia feel unfulfilled and full of emotional toxin from what they cannot express. They feel unable to get rid of or get away from people, places and things that are causing the pain and this leads to a feeling of not being able to take it anymore. They feel worthless and helpless but don’t have people or places to turn to where they feel they belong and that feel safe and supportive so they have to find a way to cope and have self-control relative to the energy that is allowed into them and is expressed out of them but they must do it in secret.
For someone with bulimia, the relationship to food is very much a mirror of the relationship they have to love. It feels like something that they desperately need in order to feel good and feel comforted and soothed, and so they don’t have control over doing so because of that desperation. But that once they take it in, there is a consequence. Sort of like a poisoned apple when someone is starving. This is how love was in their early childhood home. This is how food is now.
Food seems like the only safe and reliable thing as well as the only source of pleasure. It seems like the only way to take in energy and the safest way to take in energy to solve the feeling of being totally depleted. It seems to be the only way to soothe the feelings of emotional starvation. Feelings, which they have been taught through gas lighting that they are not allowed to have so they can’t have any tolerance for them. It soothes the pain that they can’t directly acknowledge of not being seen, felt, heard and understood so that they can feel safe that someone is going to consider their best interests and capitalize on them. But they have learned that they can’t trust that. So the minute they swallow the food, it is as if they have been betrayed. They feel as if they are being betrayed by the food (just like they were betrayed by someone in the family home from whom accepting love was dangerous) and as if they have betrayed themselves by being too dumb to fall into the trap again. They feel disgusted with themselves and ashamed of themselves as result.
All that being said, what needs to happen to Heal from Bulimia?
The single most important thing to do if you struggle with bulimia is to stop gas lighting yourself and stop letting yourself be gaslit by others. In fact, you can’t overcome bulimia unless you break out of the gaslight you are stuck in. You have to see that in your childhood, you were gas lit over and over and over again. To the degree that you had to suppress your reality. You had to believe that your estimation of reality, your thoughts, feelings and perceptions were wrong. You are probably still defending the reality that your family gave you to accept instead. The reason that bulimia is so difficult to shift out of is because you have to be willing to go through a reality collapse in order to restore yourself to your actual core reality (the one you suppressed, rejected, denied and disowned long ago). You have to stop defending the reality you were given. To use a previous example as an analogy, you are the incest survivor who is still defending that you and daddy just had a ‘special relationship’. You need to see your feelings, your thoughts, your perceptions as important and worthy of consideration. Your default mode is to gaslight yourself and convince yourself that you are wrong all the time. Catch yourself in this pattern.
You binge because you have very real emotional needs that are not being met. You do not feel heard, seen, felt or understood. You do not feel as if you belong. You are lonely. You are starving emotionally. Relationships were not safe for you and so you are living a separate existence from people, but creating a gaslight by giving them the impression that you are feeling close to them. And the approval you are starving for cannot be something you manipulate people to get. That is what your obsession over your body shape and looks is. It is a manipulative strategy to try to control people giving you that approval. It will never work. Someone isn’t really giving you their approval if you have to manipulate them to get it. Step out of this space of separation, shame and fear into actual connection. You have to change your relationship to love in order to change your relationship to food. This is a process that is too long to detail in a short video. To learn how to do this, pick up a copy of my book, The Anatomy of Loneliness, How To Find Your Way Back to Connection.
You binge in response to negative emotions. You were not allowed to have negative emotions or to see them as valid. They weren’t tolerated or treated as if they exist. This means that every time you feel a negative emotion, you’re going to respond to it the way you’ve been conditioned to respond to it. You are going to deny, reject and disown it. You are going to try to “deny it away” and shut it up with food because remember, you believe it shouldn’t exist. You need to get into the practice of doing the exact opposite. Turn towards your emotions instead of away from them. Every emotion is valid. Sit with each emotion and listen to the personal truth it is trying to convey to you. What makes an emotion unbearable is resisting the emotion. If you do that, you intensify the emotion beyond what you can tolerate. For more information about this, watch my video titled: The Emotional Wakeup Call. You need to acknowledge and learn to express the truth underneath these emotions or else you will continue to feel toxic. The pattern of bingeing and compensating for it in controlling ways is set in place because you do not listen to these emotions when they are small and so you ignore your body’s cues and don’t make small adjustments, like getting enough sleep or saying no to things, or eating little snacks throughout the day, so you end up in a situation where you need to cope and cope once a small flame is a forest fire.
Develop healthy boundaries. It is ok to define yourself. You have your own feelings, thoughts, needs, desires and perceptions whether you like it or not. It is part of being in a singular incarnation in this life. It is as important to develop a strong sense of self as it is to be able to transcend self hood. It is important that you know that you have the ability to choose what and how much to take in and when to say enough. You were not allowed to develop this “self”. But in order to make the right decisions for yourself instead of to be powerless about making those decisions for fear of consequences, you need to develop this sense of self. For information about how to do this, watch my video called “How to Develop Healthy Boundaries”.
Dive deeply into the painful feelings (such as being out of control or feeling crazy or feeling like you don’t fit in) with The Completion Process. I designed a process called The Completion Process, which resolves this emotional wounding. I’ve written a book about the process, it is titled: The Completion Process. I have also trained people to facilitate the process. You can find them on The Completion Process.com. You can also watch my video titled How to Heal the Emotional Body, to learn an abridged version of this process. This can also be a powerful tool to use in order to restore yourself to your actual reality and un-gaslight yourself relative to the home you grew up in.
Because so much of you was denied and your needs were not met, you had to suppress like hell. The way we suppress is to create splits in our consciousness. You have many of these splits. They put you in a constant state of inner conflict. In order to resolve these splits and get back in touch with the feelings, thoughts, perceptions, desires and reality you suppressed, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease and start to acknowledge and work directly with your polarized internal fragments. I detail how to do this in the video. Doing this will restore your capacity to relate to yourself in a way here you will have both empathy and understanding and it is this empathy and understanding for these parts of yourself that will make it so you are no longer guessing at what you need in order to get to a better place. Instead, you will know.
Take in energy from all the senses. You feel depleted. When we struggle with bulimia, we tend to only take in energy through our mouth. It may be a different way of thinking, but you can nourish yourself in all kinds of other ways. When you see something beautiful, you can take in energy as if you are sucking in that beauty through your eyes and filling up your whole body. We can take in energy through breathing. Every time you breathe, imagine you are breathing in energy and see it filing up every tiny little cell in your body, your bones, your organs etc. See yourself filling up with energy like a balloon would. You can take in energy through your ears, let every sound you enjoy nourish you and fill you up. We can imagine taking energy in from the world around us through our skin. As if every pore were a tiny mouth sucking in energy. This will make you feel less starved and less depleted and you will not have to stress about calories while doing it.
Make how you feel the most important thing in your life. If you struggle with bulimia, you have very little pleasure in your life. You also have all kinds of excuses as to why you either can’t have pleasure or why pleasure can’t be the most important part of your life. You’ve got to take this risk to really prioritize doing things only because they bring you pleasure to do. Do not live your life and make decisions according to what you ‘have to do’. This makes your life a chore and not a choice. And it depletes you on top of maintaining the reality that food will be your only pleasure, albeit a poisoned apple pleasure.
You can’t approach the recovery from bulimia like you approach most things: “I have to heal everything about myself at once”. It isn’t going to work. Healing in general doesn’t work like this and neither does life. Every time you finish an episode of bingeing and purging, you tell yourself “never again”. This means you just added pressure to yourself emotionally and as we know by now, this is fueling the emotional component behind why you binge in the first place. You tell yourself you are going to lose all the weight, overcome your shame, start making the right decisions for yourself and have healthy boundaries from now on. You have taken healing processes, one of which can take a year or more and you have said you will do them as if they are done and as if all that is standing between you and them being done is some failure of personal will on your part. That is just a complete illusion. That is like saying, I’m done with this laziness and tomorrow I am going to carry the empire state building back to France. You are setting yourself up to fail because EVERYONE ON EARTH would fail at that. As impossible as it may seem because of how desperate you are to stop the cycle, you are going to have to accept the reality that healing from the situation that caused this behavioral addiction in the first place is going to take time and you are going to have to start with one thing at a time and become a master at it, before moving on to the next thing. And you can expect to have relapses. And none of that means you are failing in any way, shape or form. The standards you are keeping for yourself are impossible. And you need to stop gas lighting yourself by telling yourself that someone can and so you must be a failure or less in some way because you can’t. What happens when you try to stop all the things that you have labeled as bad at once is that all of them happen again and at once. This only makes you feel more out of control. But it isn’t because you are out of control. It’s because you set yourself up.
Assuming that you are facing and healing the emotional component behind your bulimia, start eating to feel good. If you want to understand what healing is exactly, watch my video titled: What Is Healing? Eating to feel good is totally different than dieting or obsessively measuring calories or emotionally eating. If you eat food with the idea that you are eating food that makes you feel good, you will make the right choices for yourself regarding the food you eat and the portions you eat. Here is an example; I’m not going to eat a big piece of chocolate cake because I know that I will start to get a headache and feel sluggish if I do it. I know that if I eat this soup, I will feel warm and like I have more energy. Eating this way, not only puts you back in touch with your personal truth, it also makes it much less likely you will get that feeling of having made a mistake in taking in food that leads to your purging behavior. For more information about how to do this, watch my video tiled: How To Improve Your Relationship with Food.
As with most things, I could write an entire book on the process of healing from bulimia. But here I have listed the most important aspects of healing. If you commit yourself to these steps and this process, you will experience this healing.
Seeing as how it is quite possible for people to suffer from bulimia and anorexia, if you are a person who exhibits both patterns of behavior in your life, I highly suggest that you watch my video titled: How To Overcome The Eating Disorder: Anorexia as well. It will give you a full picture of the awareness you need for your healing.
The time has come to re-establish your sense of self. To realize that it is ok to define yourself and to share those thoughts and feelings and perceptions and desires that define you with other people. It is time to restore your sense of reality and to stop being gas lit by others and most of all to stop gas lighting yourself. I can promise that by doing this, you will not only end the internal conflict within you, you will also find yourself making choices that lead you directly into a life that is truly fulfilling; a life where you will finally experience pleasure.
All of us have a perspective. Perspectives are limited in that unless we are using a totally objective perspective, our perspective is subjective. An object will look different depending on what perspective you have of that object. Each perspective is a different angle on something. Our perspective shapes our experiences and our experiences shape our perspective. We could look at objective perspective as the amalgamation of all subjective perspectives relative to something. I can tell you that the perspective that a cow has about a slaughterhouse will be different from the perspective that a knocker will have of a slaughterhouse. A child will have a totally different perspective of the family home than the parent will. A doctor will have a totally different perspective about a medical crisis than the patient will have and both will have a different perspective than the insurance company that covers the hospital will have.
You can imagine subjective perspective to be like looking through a single telescope. As if our subjective perspective were not limited enough, what makes this even more limited and the view through it less accurate, is that we also see the world from our limited perspective through filters. So as if looking through a single telescope at the world isn’t bad enough, the lens we are using has a filter on it. This distorts the reality of whatever we are looking at. We can recognize the limits of someone’s perspective and see their filters. However, we have a very hard time recognizing the limits of our own perspective and we have a very hard time recognizing our own filters.
A filter is literally anything that shapes or distorts our perception of something. They can be thoughts passed down to us, information we are fed, beliefs we are conditioned to adopt, experiences we have and meaning that we assign to experiences just to name a few. We begin adopting filters for our telescopes even before we are born. And not only do they distort our capacity to see things clearly and for what is real, they can also ruin our life.
I will give you some straightforward examples. I’m not going to be politically correct for this first example. A child is not born a bigot. So let’s imagine that a child is born into a family that believes black people are dangerous and also a lower life form. This family may also have stories to justify this belief. This belief may make them behave in ways towards black people that make black people go into a state of defense and thus seem dangerous. This child has received a filter through which to experience black people. That filter is “less than and dangerous”. This child cannot see black people for the reality of black people; he or she will only see them through this filter. Until this person questions this filter and is able to remove it, all of the words a black person says and actions a black person takes will be distorted through this filter.
Let’s imagine that at three years old, someone gets attacked by a dog. This will create a filter that dogs will attack them. The rest of us who love dogs will tell you that this experience is not only rare, it is entirely avoidable if someone is actually doing the right thing with their dog. We have all kinds of other experiences that shape our perspective that dogs are wonderful and much less dangerous than people. But this filter through which this person sees dogs will shape their entire life relative to dogs. They will see dogs in a totally inaccurate way.
Lets imagine that a little girl is walking through the world and constantly sees images of women who look a certain way. Women who are a size 2 and who have perfectly photo shopped features and who are 5’11” tall. She may eventually create her own filter by adding the meaning to the experience that unless she looks like that, she does not have any value and is in fact ugly. Because of this, she may develop an eating disorder or spend all her money on cosmetics and plastic surgery in order to look as much like those women as possible. For more information about this, watch my video titled; Meaning, The Self Destruct Button.
A child might have a super loving experience with her mother. As a result, she sees the universe through the lens of everything is here to support me. She may not even notice people who are not around her with her best interests in mind because of this filter through which she sees the world.
Some of these filters are beneficial, some of them are detrimental but regardless of whether they are beneficial or detrimental, the thing to be aware of is that they are not necessarily accurate. They might just be totally distorting your capacity to see what is real.
Filters are being offered to you from everywhere. Companies create these filters for you in order to sell their products. Welcome to Marketing. Politicians create these in order to influence your vote and opinion. Most political filters are aimed at altering your perspective of the future. They sell you a filter of potential through which to see them and their would be vision. They also give you a negative filter through which to see the future if their opponents win. The justice system is made of them. One could say filters are the basis of the judicial process instead of evidence, which is one reason why the justice system is so unjust. A lawyer’s job is to get the jury and the judge to adopt a filter that changes their perspective in favor of whatever perspective benefits the lawyer for the judge and jury to have. Evidence is a tool that is used to enhance the chance that they will adopt this filter. And a truly incredible lawyer is often able to get the judge and jury to adopt a filter regardless of the evidence that undermines that filter. When we say “everyone deserves a fair trial, what we are really saying is “everyone deserves for someone to fight for the judge and beyond that if need be, the jury to adopt a filter that benefits them.
The stories that show up in the media are full of filters. In truth many stories are simply filters in and of themselves. This is what makes the fact that companies and media are so in bed with one another so dangerous to the people. All a company has to do to sell their products is pay for a news article to be run highlighting the need for their product, usually by instilling fear in the people. For example, all we have to do to get you to go out and get your flu shot is run a story about how dangerous the flu is this year and how if you care about your loved ones, you need to go out there and get one.
Tabloids shape how we see famous people. Each piece gives us a filter through which to see them. If a tabloid writes an article about Angelina cheating on Brad, it doesn’t matter whether it is true or not, doesn’t matter whether you know her or not, it is going to effect how you perceive her as a person. You will see her from that day forward through a filter unless some other piece of information comes along to cause you to remove that filter or change that filter to another one.
Every filter we adopt will change the way we see the world and the way we see ourselves. Every filter will shape our life experience, the things we think and say and do. There is nothing in this world more dangerous than a subjective perspective that is mistaken for objective perspective. There is nothing more dangerous than a filter that distorts our capacity to see what is real.
Nothing exposes the human ego more than being faced with other people having the things that we want. Because of the basic values that exist in human society, we can pin point a few of these things we want as being major sore spots for our ego to be confronted with, such as beauty, money or success and fame. These three can be considered a trifecta. But above all, we want to see ourselves and to be seen by others as good.
It would be good to understand our reactions to anything that we encounter, especially to these major sore spots. But today, we are going to explore our reactions to fame.
Because we incarnate into this physical time space reality as an individual consciousness, we see ourselves through the lens of I and other things in the world through the lens of them. We perceive ourselves to be separate. Because we experience ourselves as a singularity, we have an idea of self. This is all the ego is. It is a concept of being a separate self. All beings have an ego. How aware that ego is and how integrated it is, is really what our life experience is all about. Our ego is an amalgamation of all things we identify with. Anything we say I, me or mine to is something we identify with.
For example, if I say my favorite animal is a horse, I am now identified with horses. It is a part of my ego and therefore, anything someone says or does that involves horses, I now perceive as involving me.
Another example is that if I say, “I am white (as opposed to black), I am now identified with being white. If anyone says something bad about white people, I will now perceive it as being a personal attack. Some of the things we identify with and are therefore part of our ego, we want to have be a part of it and other aspects we don’t. If people are constantly telling us that we are too angry, we will woefully identify with that. It will be a part of our ego, but we will resist that aspect of ourselves.
Because we all have a self-concept, we all want that self-concept to be good. Having a good self concept makes us feel good. And we have learned that if our self is bad, we get pushed away by others, which is the single most threatening thing to the physical human. If our self is perceived as bad by others, we end up not getting what we want and experiencing pain. This means the ego’s #1 goal is to keep us seeing ourselves and keep others seeing us as good. This is where the human shadow reigns supreme. The unaware ego will keep us seeing ourselves as good and others seeing us as good, regardless of the cost and regardless of whether the story it is telling in order to preserve that perspective is actually true or not. For more in depth information about this, watch my video titled: Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening (Accept The Badness in Yourself).
Part of this vision of the self as good is significance. In order to see ourselves as good, people have to see themselves as significant. To be significant is to be sufficiently great, important or worthy of notice. This is the core reason we desire fame. The people who grew up in scenarios where they felt as if the message they got from others was that they were not important enough to be seen, heard, felt and understood for who they are and thus valued, are the people who are the most attracted to fame. Most of the people walking the planet today, experienced varying degrees of this wounding. Many of these people were also shamed for wanting or needing attention from people. Their needs were dismissed as not important in the grand scheme of things. The person who desires to be famous believes that if they can just prove their significance, they can be safe in that they would be seen, heard, felt, valued and thus finally get their needs met. And for this person, it felt VERY UNFAIR that other people got that significance and they didn’t.
There is a hole that is created when a person is treated as insignificant or undervalued, which is only satiated by becoming or seeing oneself as important enough to be valued enough that people give you attention and meet your needs. That attention essentially says “you matter, I see you, I feel you, I hear you and I value you enough to pay attention to you and care about your needs.”
One step away from this is that people can see themselves as significant when someone else who is famous (and thus who as already established themselves as important enough to be worth attention) deems them worthy of their attention. This is fame by proxy. And it is the main reason people gravitate to wanting to be near and be recognized by famous people.
At all moments of the day, we get to tell a story about ourselves; a story about our ego. We get to tell a story that makes us see our self as good or a story that makes us see ourselves as bad, which is too painful for us to bear. And this is where we begin to slip deep into the shadow relative to fame.
People have to create meaning for themselves. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Meaning, The Self Destruct Button. We have to tell ourselves a story about why someone has something we want and why we don’t. And unless we are willing to feel like crap, telling ourselves a negative story of ourselves, this is a story that has to make us feel good about ourselves.
For example, if someone has wealth, which is something we want but don’t have, we may say it’s because their parents were wealthy and it was all handed to them. This makes us see ourselves as good because at least we have to work for it and they really didn’t do anything to earn it. Or we may tell the story that this actress got a role in a film and we didn’t because she had sex with a producer, now we can feel good about ourselves because we were moral and didn’t prostitute ourselves to get the role. Or we may know someone who is really successful, but we tell ourselves a story that it doesn’t matter how successful they are at work because they are so bad at relationships. The bottom line is, when we are confronted with someone else having something we want (including fame) for the sake of our self concept, we unconsciously come up with a story that makes us feel better about ourselves in the not having of it. And the most common way of doing this is to make their having of it invalid in some way or not matter because they are so bad in some other way.
Slander works because it feeds our self-concept. Slander works because it allows us to escape from the pain of feeling less important, less valued, less worthy of notice, less wealthy and less beautiful. The multi billion-dollar business of tabloids is maintained because of this. If we perceive someone to be on a pedestal because the world is reflecting to us that they are more important than we are and more worthy of notice, it feels good to see them fall. It feels good to us to make them fall. It feels good to tell a story that makes them seem to have less of what we want or to at least be less deserving of having what we want.
This is another reason why we buy what people say and what the press says about famous people so quickly. I want you to imagine the break up you had that ended the worst. The break up where the other person left thinking you were the bad one in the relationship. Imagine this person being the one to inform the press on the “tell all truth” about you. Would they tell an accurate story about you? No. But they would still say that they know the truth about you because they were with you personally. They would therefore be treated as a credible source of information. And slander works.
I remember being told years ago a story about someone serving an actress that I loved. He said this actress was one of the worst people he had ever served at a restaurant. I have no way of proving whether his story was credible or not. I also have no way of knowing the situation from her side. But immediately, it changed the way I saw her. I couldn’t look at her and feel about her the same way ever again. That is how effective slander is. And like it or not, regardless of the fact that it allows our ego to feel better, it can and does ruin lives.
Remember how I said that people gravitate towards fame by proxy? Unfortunately it works in reverse as well. If someone can’t have their ego satiated by being treated as significant by someone who is significant, they have another strategy. Become significant by being against someone who is significant. This is the strategy that school shooters are taking. If I can’t be significant by being loved by them, I’ll be significant by being the one that kills them. We are so desperate for significance, we are even willing to get it through someone else’s demise. This is why people run to the press about famous people, excited to throw them under the bus. They can have their fifteen minutes of fame by tearing someone else off of the pedestal and telling themselves a story about why they are good or virtuous for doing that. They become worthy of notice not only from the person who they felt less important than, but also by everyone else who thought the person they are tearing down was worth notice.
And here’s part of what makes famous people into isolated and distrusting individuals, if a famous person ever slips up around someone near them who is getting fame by proxy (significance through being treated as significant by someone who has significance). If they ever give them any indication (intentionally or unintentionally) that they are not significant to them, this person’s only unconscious recourse for the pain of that experience to their self concept, is to turn against the famous person who they were experiencing fame by proxy with. This is so often why it is the people who were the closest to famous people that turn on them. They were never around that famous person for good reasons. They were there to get fame by proxy and the second they felt they lost any of it, their only way of getting significance back, was to become an enemy to the famous person.
The ego also tells a story about who someone is when they are famous. And it is a story that is created for your own personal benefit in some way. It feeds your sense of self. If you a person is famous everyone recognizes them and so everyone subconsciously feels as if they know them. They don’t. What they have done is to create an image of this person as a character in their own head. It is a projection. More than that, it is an overlay. To understand more about this in depth, watch my video titled: Overlay, What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship. And this is where the desire for fame gets people into serious amounts of trouble.
If we carry this wound of feeling not important enough to be seen, heard, felt and understood for who we are and thus not valued, we will chase fame. We will chase it out of resistance to our own insignificance. It is in fact our avoidance strategy. Chasing fame allows us to avoid the pain of that void. But whatever we resist, persists. Instead of fame being the antidote to this wound, it becomes a magnification of it. You will find yourself famous, surrounded by people who do not see, feel, hear or understand you at all because they are not in a relationship with you, they are in an overlay, interacting with the character they have in their head of you. You will also find yourself surrounded by people who do not care about you at all and in fact only care about being near you in order to get significance for themselves and fame by proxy. And thus, fame eventually makes you feel less significant and more alone than you ever were before.
This situation gets even worse if the only way to maintain your position of fame is to play a specific role for the people putting you in that position of fame like a commodity they want to sell. For example, Marilyn Monroe having to play dumb all the time to please her publicists and casting directors and the men who loved her for that character, which is not anything like she was behind the velvet curtain. Many famous people take their lives because of this tendency for fame to be a magnification of their original wounding. For this tendency of fame to be an even more isolating experience where they are seen and heard and felt even less by others than before as well as used by others as a means to achieve their own significance.
For us to become aware relative to fame, we need to own that we all want significance. It is not wrong to want that. Because it is not wrong to want significance, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be famous. But we have to be aware of the wounding of insignificance that we have that is driving us towards fame and towards fame by proxy. Instead of avoiding that wound, we need to go deeply into the wounding. For more information about how to do that, you can watch my video titled: How To Heal the Emotional Body and pick up a copy of my book, The Completion Process, which details a process to use in order to heal this wounding. You can also watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The World Wide Disease in which I present a process that you can use with the part of yourself that wants to be famous. This way, your quest for significance, can be a conscious one, instead of an unconscious one fueled by avoidance. This way you can care take the very real pain of the condition of feeling insignificant and watching other people get that significance you need so desperately.
We need to be aware of the stories that we are telling our self in order to preserve our self-concept, the stories about why someone is famous and we are not, the stories that satiate the incredible pain of that unfairness. We need to do this so that we can be aware, see the actual truth in any given situation and also not speak or take actions which can and will do damage to ourself or to other people in the quest to preserve our own self concept.
Take a look at the people who are famous, especially the ones you are envious of. What story are you telling yourself about why they are famous and you are not? What story are you telling about them or yourself in order to escape the pain of feeling less important, less worthy of attention and less sufficient than them in some way? Does this story serve you in terms of helping you to get what you want? If I took my attention off of that story and put it on any thoughts, words or actions that could assist me in actually getting what I want, what would those thoughts, words and actions be?
Feeling and emotion is the heart of your life here on earth. Emotion functions like a compass pointing you through life. If your compass were not messed with, you would not fall out of touch with your own North Star. You would not see your emotions as wrong and therefore, you would see every emotion as valid and happening for an important reason. You would listen carefully to the personal truth being conveyed in every emotion and you would therefore follow what feels good with awareness the same way you would follow a compass due North. You would know that if you felt bad, it means that you are headed the wrong direction for you personally with your thoughts and words and actions.
But our compasses are messed with. They are messed with during the process of socialization when we come into contact with other people who cannot accommodate for our truth (including wants and needs and personal purpose) and thus require us to let go of our truth for them. They raise us to believe that this is the only way to avoid conflict and to feel good. They ask us to replace our internal compass with theirs and they fiddle with our compass so it no longer reflects our personal truth.
When a parent disapproves of their child’s emotion or dismisses it or turns against it, the child begins to accept the parent’s estimation of the event and of themselves and their own internal guidance system and in turn, learns to doubt his or her own judgment. As a result, the child loses confidence in themself. The child learns that they have no right to feel how they feel and that their own feelings and therefore internal guidance system is faulty. They learn that it is wrong to feel how they feel and especially wrong therefore to follow how they feel and use the way they feel like a compass. And here we have a problem.
Seeing as how your emotions are like a compass, always conveying personal truth to you and always pointing you in the direction that is right for you to go, there is nothing more critical to do in life than to get back in touch with your emotions and to start following that internal guidance system again. This is why teachings like “follow your joy” and “be unconditionally present to your emotions” and “make how you feel the most important thing in your life” are so important. But there is one major problem inherent in approaching life with this blind conviction and that is, our feelings and therefore our compass has been messed with and we might very well be walking through life with our wires completely crossed.
I want you to imagine a little girl. This little girl really loves science. If it were up to her, she would be absorbed in her microscope all day long. But her mom is not ok with this. Her mom needs help around the house. When this little girl becomes absorbed in her microscope, which feels good to her, her mother shames her for being selfish and only rewards her for helping. Because of this early education (that following her intrinsic motivation leads to punishment and therefore feels bad and being a helper leads to reward and avoidance of pain and therefore feels good) her wires have been crossed. Until she becomes aware of why helping feels good to her specifically, if we ask her to follow her emotional guidance system, she will gravitate towards endlessly helping others and she will say its because it feels good. She is following her emotional compass. But her emotional compass has been rigged through conditioning. It doesn’t reflect her intrinsic truth. It reflects the truth her mother wanted her to have. For this reason, helping people will feel temporarily good and like the right decision. But she will have no idea why she is so drained and why it seems like the wrong decision a little while after she has made it.
Another example is that a person’s internal guidance system would never reflect that hurting themselves feels good and is good to do. But if a boy has a parent that is antagonistic towards him consistently and he discovers that hurting himself is a way to avoid that antagonism by disarming his parent, his wires will be crossed. He will start to experience emotional relief in conjunction with self injury because he has learned that being good to himself = pain and hurting himself = being safe.
Another example is that a woman has been so emotionally starved that when a man comes into her life and promises to meet those needs she is starving for, she can no longer notice any of the more subtle emotional cues telling her that this man is dangerous and manipulative. She will ignore all the red flags in favor of the extraordinary relief of having those needs met. He may be promising her to meet those needs manipulatively. Out of desperation, she will “follow her guidance system” straight into the arms of a very dangerous man.
Another example is that if you have been trying and trying to become a success at something, you may get to a point where what feels like relief and therefore good, is to quit. In the grand scheme of things, quitting might not actually be what is best for you. What might be best is to re-evaluate the way you are trying to go about succeeding. The negative emotion you feel may be simply reflecting thoughts you are thinking like, “I’m a failure, I’ll never amount to anything.” And so, you may quit something you would have been very successful at because you interpreted the emotion of relief relative to quitting as an indication that you should quit.
Another example is that we all have splits in our consciousness. To understand more about this, watch my video titled “Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease”. Imagine that early in life, a split was formed within your consciousness between the vulnerable self that needs other people, which was suppressed and the protector self that became totally independent, which you identified with. Because you identified with that part of you (and independence) as a road to staying safe and therefore feeling good, your emotional guidance system will make sure you only feel good when you rely only on yourself. You will feel terror when you think of asking anyone for help. You might get VERY sick because of shouldering all the pressure. Or find yourself in a scenario where you really did need someone to succeed at something, but it just felt wrong to ask them. Following the feelings associated with your protector self is only following part of your personal truth, and a very extreme polarity at that.
If people, whose compasses have been messed with, follow their joy, they will follow an internal compass that is meddled with and whose wires were crossed long ago. They will follow conditioning, not personal truth and they will end up VERY confused and eventually feel as if they are on the wrong course as a result.
We must understand that there is nothing inherently wrong with this. The reason that channels and spirit guides often do not care about this nuance and teach a person to follow their feelings anyway to the ends of the earth is because they know that if the person follows their compass that was meddled with, it will lead them to a destination that they don’t want to be at, at which point they will then discover that they don’t want it and change direction entirely, back into alignment with the pre-meddled with course. From the higher dimensional perspective where these beings exist, life happens in a blink of an eye. It is very tiny in the grand scheme of the universe. It is not a problem from their perspective if a person follows their joy which belongs to a meddled with compass and as a result, ends up getting cancer in order to change their direction in life and to see that North was not really North. But the perspective from a physical incarnation is much, much different isn’t it? Many things feel worth it in the grand scheme of things to our non-physical aspects that do not feel worth it to our temporal aspects.
It is inevitable that if everyone followed their joy, they would find their personal truth eventually. What no one tells you is that the conditioning that so often crosses our wires makes that journey one of many lessons learned the hard way. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you are dedicated to awareness, you need to be aware that this is the case. And my dedication to reducing suffering makes giving this awareness you, imperative.
I am not inviting you to distrust yourself and distrust the way you feel. This is way worse than following your emotional guidance system towards what feels good with no awareness about why and meeting with terrible ends. This is what caused everything to go haywire in the first place.
When you follow your emotional guidance system with this awareness, you will be able to question yourself. Not in the sense that you doubt yourself. Rather in the spirit of curiosity and the desire to be totally aware. You will ask yourself WHY something feels good to do. What is the purpose for it and why? If I might have been trained that what felt bad was good and what felt good was bad relative to this circumstance, how might that influence me in this scenario? If I were doing this purely because of how I want to look to others or to myself, how might that be true? What might I do differently if I knew no one would judge me or impose consequences upon me? Am I trying to avoid something in this scenario and therefore being guided by what I don’t want rather than what I do want? If I were not being honest with myself or other people in this scenario, what would I not be being honest about and why? What are my real reason(s) for doing this? What makes me believe that this feels right to me? Are these feelings really mine, or are the feelings the result of thoughts and belief systems I adopted from someone else?
Any shadow work you do will make you more conscious. Think of every emotion within you like the ice on a lake. Like ice, each one is covering a message of a deep personal truth, like water, underneath it. If you are unconditionally present with each emotion, you will melt through the emotion into that truth. Based off of hearing the thoughts associated with that truth, you will know the WHY behind why you feel the way you feel and why your compass is pointing you in a particular direction. You then get to use your free will to make a conscious choice and take a conscious action based off of that truth.
Keep in mind that this awareness is not about arriving at whether your emotional guidance system is right or wrong. It is about gaining awareness about where your internal compass has been meddled with and re-wiring yourself so that North is Truly North for you.
Follow what feels good. Follow your joy. Follow your emotional guidance system to the ends of the earth, but with awareness… With the awareness that your compass has been meddled with and with the awareness that your wires may have been crossed.
The brain, like a computer, is complex. But it is also simple. It loves efficiency. It loves to create links and associations so as to streamline the process of converting thinking to acting. Our associations dictate our behavior. For example, in Pavlov’s Dog’s study, he discovered that any object or event which the dogs learned to associate with food (such as his or his lab assistant’s footsteps) would trigger the dogs to salivate. If we associate snakes with danger, we will wear tall boots in grass and jump out of our boots if we see a stick that looks like a snake. If we associate love with losing ourselves, in relationships we will become avoidant and push our partners away. Most of these associations are subconscious. We are not fully consciously aware of them.
Each and every one of us is full of associations. Some of them may serve us. Many of them do not. Obviously, if what we want is a good relationship but we have formed an association between love and losing ourselves, the association is running contrary to our desire. There is a way for us to change our associations and that is to replace them.
Before I teach you how to do this, I need say that this tool, like every other tool can be used for good or used for harm. We could create a negative association in our minds so as to overcome an addiction, which benefits us or we could create a negative association in our minds so as to prevent us from something good, which harms us. We could create a positive association in our minds so as to help us achieve success, which benefits us. Or we could create a positive association in our minds so as to force us to gravitate towards something that is detrimental to us, which harms us. This tool should not be used as a tool of denial, escapism, self-avoidance, self-resistance or controlling and manipulating someone else. A person can do a lot of damage with intentionally creating associations so as to influence behavior. Cult trainers do it all the time. It is the hallmark of conditioning.
A while ago I was working with a woman who had a super violent father. He was an alcoholic and used to smash glass bottles when he was angry. She formed an association between the sound of breaking glass and getting beaten. The reaction her body had in response to this association was so extreme that if she heard the sound of breaking glass, she would immediately become frozen and flooded with so much anxiety, she would hyperventilate and often pass out. Obviously, this kind of association is a real problem if she was out at a restaurant for dinner and a server dropped a glass or if she was at home with her kids and one of them dropped a glass.
What I did is help her come up with a different, positive and believable association with that same sound. She loved Disney movies and she related to the character of snow white in the glass coffin. She said that she could imagine that sound as maybe being the sound of the glass coffin breaking with her inside it, like Snow white was, and that when it breaks, she could feel a full body sense of feeling set free and rescued as if by a prince; and ready to start a new life that is free from harm. So we practiced to form a different association between the sound of breaking glass and that experience/feeling of set free and rescued as if by a prince and ready to start a new life that is free from harm.
You can do this with any kind of situation. To do it, pick some association that you have that is negatively impacting your life. Recognize what the trigger is for this association to be set off and produce the unwanted result. And think of some other positive association you could form with that thing and/or that trigger. Pick something positive and compelling to you personally. I find that the most successful are the ones that are most believable and accessible to the individual themselves.
Close your eyes and recognize the reaction that this negative association creates within you such as thoughts, feelings, sensations and images. Imagine yourself in that very scenario. See it first from third person perspective, as if you are watching yourself like a fly on the wall and then in first person perspective.
Now recognize the reaction you would have to the new positive thing you chose. What does it cause in you, such as feelings, thoughts, sensations and images? Imagine yourself in that very scenario. See it first from third person perspective, as if you are watching yourself like a fly on the wall and then in first person perspective.
Now imagine a color, perhaps a favorite color or whatever color helps you to feel a sense of re-setting your mind and getting your focus entirely off either scenario. Alternatively, you could imagine taking an eraser and wiping the thoughts and images and scene you are observing clean from the canvass of your mind with a dry eraser.
Now imagine that first negative association state. For the woman in my example above, this would be experiencing a situation where a glass breaks. Imagine it happening in first person perspective. When holding the image and imagining the experience begins to intensify the feelings and sensations in your body, immediately imagine the image of the positive replacement association coming in to quickly and aggressively replace that negative scene. For the woman in my above example, this would be the image of the glass coffin breaking from third person perspective. Once it has completely taken over the negative scene, experience that scene in first person perspective. For the woman in my above example, this would be to fully imagine being inside that coffin and the sound of glass shattering being the sound of the coffin breaking open so she is set free and rescued as if by a prince and ready to start a new life that is free from harm. Spend a few minutes really feeling that experience in your whole body. Feel it settling into your cells.
Now again, imagine a color or imagine taking an eraser and wiping the thoughts, and images and scene you are observing clean from the canvass of your mind with a dry eraser. Do this until you feel you are re-set.
Repeat this process of imagining that first negative association state in first person perspective and immediately imagining the image of the positive replacement association coming in to quickly and aggressively replace that negative scene. And once it has completely taken over the negative scene, experiencing that scene in first person perspective as deeply as possible so as to feel that relief and positive state in your body 11 times. Making sure to re-set your mind with the color or eraser technique in-between each time.
The new association has been made in your subconscious mind. The old pattern of behavior that was a byproduct of the old association is no longer as automatic as it once was. And from there, every time you encounter the stimulus that used to cause the negative association to become triggered, you simply imagine the replacement image/association, and link what has just occurred to that positive association replacement. For the woman in my above example, any time a glass bloke, she would use it as a trigger to intentionally and immediately close her eyes and imagine being inside that coffin and the sound of glass shattering being the sound of the coffin breaking open so she is set free and rescued as if by a prince and ready to start a new life that is free from harm.
In this woman’s case, at first she was able to get to a point where she did not have a panic attack when glass broke near her, she simply felt tense. After 2 months of practice, she was able to get to a point where she could feel good when glass broke, as if each glass breaking was an opportunity to be set more and more free.
Automatic thoughts, feelings and behaviors do not have to stay automatic and oppose your sense of free will forever. If a negative association is negatively impacting your life, you can replace it so that it becomes a positive one.
Hardly anything in the world is surrounded by more conflicting ideologies and feelings and beliefs than money. In a modern society, we all have a relationship to money whether we like it or not. But many of us have a resistance to money because we see it as something that creates pain both in ourselves and in others. This belief is so strong that many people in society believe that money is the root of evil. You don’t have to be spiritual at all to have this conscious or subconscious belief in money. But spiritual circles tend to be the absolute most influenced by this belief.
Whether we want to admit it or not, the Western World was founded on the principals of the Christian faith. It does not matter whether you were raised Christian or not, if you live in the Western World, you have Christianity in your ancestral memories which you inherit when you are born. Also these religious beliefs have influenced the basic socialization process and social tenants upon which society is built and passed down from one generation to the next. You could be raised an atheist and still be influenced by this religiously influenced social belief that originated thousands of years before your birth. The Bible says, "The love of money is a root of all kinds of evil, for which some have strayed from the faith in their greediness, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows" (I Timothy 6:10).
Now lets look at some of the more Eastern World philosophies. In the Buddhist faith, wealth is temporary and no path to happiness because it is seen as a form of attachment. In the Muslim faith, there is a belief in most orders that while moderate wealth is acceptable, too much wealth can lead to believers forgetting their dependence on God and becoming too attached to this world. In Hinduism, wealth earned and spent for one's own pleasure is evil and wealth earned and spent for the sake of dharma is divine. I could spend all day proving to you that each culture and the religious faiths that influence that culture, each present the idea that there is danger inherent in money.
Even spiritual beliefs aside, it is totally understandable why people could come to this conclusion. According to statistics, money stresses us out more than anything else including terrorism. We live in a world where for the sake of making more money, companies who have created a monopoly in the market ensure their products will break or go out of date so that people are forced to spend money on new products. New inventions that would progress mankind as a whole are violently prevented from development so that existing companies can continue to make money in the way that they do. Wars are waged to maintain financial control over resources. We live in a world where some people own multiple yachts and collector cars they will never drive, while other people are starving in the streets. We live in a world where governments maintain control by making their citizens a slave to taxes and required costs of living. It isn’t even an argument that money and corruption are all too often integrally linked. But is that because of money? Or is it because of something else?
Every development within the consciousness of mankind happens as a result of desire. A person had to feel the pain of being restricted to the ground for them to want to take flight and thus eventually invent the airplane. In the beginning, after we moved beyond the idea of simply fighting for and taking what we want from others, we became a species that based the meeting of our needs on trade. This was genius. If I have an egg and you have honey, but I want your honey and you want my egg, we can trade and both be in a win-win situation where conflict can be avoided. This is good because conflict is a threat to our wellbeing and even survival. But then we felt the pain of what if I have an egg and I want honey but the person trading honey doesn’t want an egg? I’m basically stuck in that scenario. Either I take his honey and get into a conflict doing so, or I submit to the idea that it doesn’t matter if I want honey, I’ll never be able to get it. We can’t live with this. To not be able to align with our desires is torture because it is the opposite of personal expansion, which is a big part of the purpose of life itself. And this was the rather genius birth of the idea of currency. If we have something that is universally desired because it can be universally traded for whatever we need from someone else, then we no longer face that limit. If I have money, and everyone wants it because they can trade it for whatever they want, now I can have honey and he doesn’t have to want an egg in order for me to have the honey.
Money was also a way of using credit as a means of getting what people needed if they were not in the immediate position to exchange something for whatever it is that they needed. Money got people out of the position of having to rely on altruism, direct barter and gifting for getting what we need, all of which made us feel totally powerless. Money also allowed for us to have a much wider market and therefore a much wider field of possibilities to get what we wanted.
Eventually this concept expanded to the idea of symbolic forms of money. This is a symbol or something of next to no value being used as a representative of something of actual value being stored somewhere else, like gold being kept in a vault for example and represented by paper money. This included the idea of the gold standard.
Eventually this concept expanded to the idea of digital money that is there would be nothing physical or tangible being exchanged at all. One example of this is that governments didn’t want their amount of money in circulation to be limited by how much actual gold they could grow and accumulate because that was keeping economies in depression, so countries like the US broke free of the gold standard. Now there did not have to be anything of actual value stored in another location which that digital amount was representative of and numbers could simply be exchanged from screen to screen.
Any progress, invention or improvement comes with inherent downsides just like it comes with inherent upsides. Obviously if you think about any step in the line of the invention and exchange of money, you can see these potential downsides. For example, if we can create money to be universally barter able, anyone could theoretically make as much money as they want so then governments would take control of that and make it illegal to make money so that only they could. Or if we no longer need actual gold to represent money that is intrinsically worthless, the monetary system can become totally dishonest. This potential for all these downsides is not the topic up for debate. The topic up for debate is whether money is bad and is intrinsically evil. The answer is no.
When we focus on money in and of itself as being evil, we are actually scapegoating. Money is a tool, nothing more and nothing less. It is a tool for getting what we need and want. It is a tool, just like a hammer is a tool. We cannot say that a hammer is inherently evil just because killers used them to bludgeon someone to death. It could be used to do just as much good, if not more than it can to do bad.
Let’s look at a few cases where money hurts people to prove that money itself isn’t the problem.
A person spends all their time working to accumulate money and so their whole family feels abandoned. The problem in not money in and of itself. The problem might be that the person has an inaccurate view of the actual needs of their family and thinks that providing is the only means of showing love to their family and not quality time. Or the person might believe that the only way to be valuable socially is to be successful. So he or she prioritizes trying to gain status and social value by making money over everything else in his life.
A company establishes a monopoly that now capitalizes off of people in a way that is not in the best interests of those people for the sake of personal capital gain. The problem is not the money in and of itself. The problem is that the people making the decisions with the company are operating from a narcissistic viewpoint where they believe that a zero sum game is possible. They do not see that they are intrinsically connected to those people so it is only a short-term success, which will ultimately lead to a complete collapse because they are actually opposed to the best interests of the actual people that their business depends on. The problem is that they do not feel connected to people.
A government taxes the crap out of its citizens to the point where the cost of living is too high for anyone to afford and far beyond what is needed for the maintenance of roads, schools, libraries, parks or the paying of police officers and fire fighters for example. The problem in this scenario is not money in and of itself. The problem is that the people making decisions about how much money to collect from the public and how that money is spent are motivated by all kinds of personal agendas. Agendas like power. The reason that people want power is to maintain safety. If we are not the one in power in a world such as this, other people have the power and this means that we are at the mercy of what they do and don’t do. So this might motivate a government to charge insane taxes so as to develop an incredible military power so as to be able to wage and or win a war.
I’m not arguing that we can’t create monetary systems or even non-monetary systems that are better than the one we have today. We absolutely can. But if you take any situation where money could be seen as the problem and ask yourself, if money itself were just a tool and therefore not the problem in this scenario, what would the actual problem be? You will see that the real problem is not money. The real problem is human. The real problem that needs to be addressed is our beliefs, our fears, our priorities, our needs and our feelings. It is the reasons behind why we are using the tool of money in the way that we are using the tool of money.
What you have to see is that if money were not available, people would use any tool at their disposal to do the exact same thing that they are doing with money. And when we address those things that are the actual problem, our social systems (including the ways we go about getting things we need within society such as monetary systems) will automatically change. Money doesn’t make your character worse; it simply acts as a magnifier for what is already there. And even if someone began to act differently once they had money, I can tell you that it isn’t because of the money in and of itself. It is because of how people act around money because of their own personal beliefs. For example, once you get money so many people around you begin to treat you completely differently. People start to gravitate to you entirely to use you for personal gain and get as much as they can from you. This naturally makes a person with money go into defense mode and begin to isolate themselves and hold on to what they have for fear of it being taken from them. How people act around money makes most people with money tighten up in terms of generosity and grow distrustful.
Money is not the root of all evil. It isn’t really money that stresses us out. We are stressed out about the very thing that all biological organisms on earth have been stressed out about since the beginning of earth and that is making sure that we get our needs met. This is what stresses us out more than anything else. We are simply convinced that money is the only way to do that now a days. And on a side note, many of us do not feel worthy or deserving of our needs being met, so we find it very hard to create money.
We have to take our attention off of the scapegoat, which is money, and put it onto the real problem, which is our unaware human ego, so as to directly address those thoughts, beliefs, feelings, needs and wants and intentions that are a part of our individuality. And until we do that, we will not create anything to replace the current monetary system of today with that will look any better than this does.
As idealistic as you may be, it is total illusion to believe that you can force a group of people into creating an altruistic society where all people’s needs are perfectly met. Wherever a human ego in a state of unawareness and unconsciousness exists, corruption will exist, with or without money. And money, being a tool can do just as much good, if not more, that it ever did bad depending on how you use it.
Everyone gets upset sometimes. But often, what makes the upset worse is that the upset can feel like a mess of painful emotions without much conscious understanding about why that upset is being experienced and even more so, why the upset is so bad, given the situation at hand.
I have a new way of looking at upset. If you switch the words up and set from up set to set up, you can see a new truth about upset. That is that every time you get upset, you are being set up by the universe to become totally aware of something that you are not yet totally aware of and to see something new about your personal truth. Personal truth is comprised of personal feelings, thoughts, need, and desires. With the knowing of that personal truth, we can both communicate what is real and take effective action in the direction of our actual desires and make the changes that our inner being is begging us to make.
At the most basic level, an upset is really about four things:
An intention that is being prevented or opposed
An undelivered communication
A past wound that is unhealed and was re-activated by whatever happened
An unfulfilled expectation
An upset can be about one or all of these things.
As living beings, our feeling of wellbeing is dependent on our ability to set an intention and to manifest it. This is how we get a sense of freedom, empowerment and happiness. When we want something, we must be able to use our free will to bring it into reality. When someone or something resists that intention of ours or desire of ours, it feels really, really bad. It challenges our sense of personal freedom, empowerment and happiness. We feel upset.
When we have something to communicate, it is important to us that we can accurately convey what it is that we want to convey and that the person on the other side of that communication receives that communication. We need to be able to express ourselves in a way that accurately reflects our personal truth and we need the other person to see, feel, hear and understand that truth. We need them to take it in. If that doesn’t happen, we become upset.
No matter how good our childhood or past was, we all experience situations where we felt distress and where there was no resolve for it. These become unhealed wounds imbedded in our being. We are all walking around in our life with these past wounds and in this universe, which functions like a 360 degree mirror, we continue to line up with circumstances, people, places and events that reflect those wounds. This is the universe’s way of trying to get us to resolve what was never resolved. But any time this occurs, we feel upset.
As living beings, we are creators and manifestors. This means, just like a sculptor has a way he wants his art piece to end up, we have expectations for nearly every situation we get into. We are attached to how it should be. We think things like “We should be friends, we should be resolving things, he shouldn’t have said that, he should accept X. I shouldn’t feel this way etc.” When these expectations are unfulfilled, we become upset.
Any time you get upset, take a look at this list and see how any of all of these items were part of the situation at hand. Start with something today. Think of a situation that upset you.
In this situation, did I have a desire or intention that was being prevented or opposed? If so, how? What did that make me feel? Why specifically did that make me feel so upset? What did it make me feel like I might never be able to have or get?
Did I communicate my feelings, thoughts, desires, needs and anything else I needed to communicate in a way that felt authentic and true to what is real about me in this situation? If I did that or even if I didn’t, did I feel like the other person or people involved in the situation actually felt me and saw me and heard me so as to really understand me? Did I feel as if what I needed to communicate and my personal truth was received? If not, what was my perception about how the communication was or wasn’t expressed and was or wasn’t received?
What painful experience in my past could this be a reflection of? What experience might have been unresolved that this situation is bringing up into my consciousness again? In that past, unresolved situation, what did I need in order to feel resolved? How can I meet those needs to create that feeling of resolution relative to this situation, which is a repeat of the last one, so it can be different this time? In many situations, we are not even aware of what situation or past wound is being reflected in our present life because when situations are non resolvable, we stuff them into our subconscious. For this reason, I have created a process for discovering and resolving these past wounds that are causing recurrent painful patterns and upsets in our adult life. It is called the Completion Process. You can learn this process in my book that is quite literally titled: The Completion Process.
In this situation, take a look at the expectations you had and how they were unfulfilled.
a. What did I expect to happen?
b. What did I expect them to think?
c. What did I expect them to feel?
d. What did I expect them to say?
e. What did I expect them to do?
f. What do I expect them to do now to resolve the upset?
g. What did I expect myself to think?
h. What did I expect myself to feel?
i. What did I expect myself to say?
j. What did I expect myself to do?
k.What do I expect myself to do now to resolve the upset?
You are never wrong to feel the way you feel. The way you feel is always a perfect and accurate reflection of your perceptions, regardless of whether your perceptions are accurate or not. But with this awareness, you can directly address your perceptions. Ask yourself in this situation, what would they have to do to make it better? What am I willing to do to make it better? And then ask yourself, is it realistic or fair? Look over your expectations. Ask yourself: If none of them were present, no idea of how it should be, what would be different and what might be possible? Sometimes if what upset us, is a conflict with someone else, we need to be honest about whether we want resolve/repair/connection or to win/be right/get the other to surrender. If what you want is resolve/repair/connection, ask yourself, what might I have to give up or accept in order to get closer to that in this situation?
Once you have the answers to these questions, you will have understanding about WHY you are upset. Based on that awareness, you also will have a better idea of what you might need and what needs to be communicated and what actions need to be taken in order to feel a sense of resolve on your end. Upset is never pleasant, but it will be better if from now on, you are willing to allow the universe to set you up so as to become completely aware. Our only position of power is from reality. Becoming clear about the reality of your upsets makes it possible to resolve them.
Try to conceptualize of what we often call God or Source as a unified consciousness. Try to imagine that it is all there is. It might not be as easy as it sounds to imagine because your brain is designed for the physical world, which is a world of singularity. It’s not designed to be able to comprehend oneness. When the brain thinks of one, it thinks of a thing. But the minute you think of a thing, it implies that that thing is separate from something else, even if that something else is just empty space or air. That thing has definition and it has a beginning and end. But can you stretch your mind enough to imagine a consciousness that has no beginning or end? A consciousness so all-inclusive that there is nothing in existence that is not part of it?
Now imagine that Source has the thought: What am I? You can think of this thought as the birth of the awareness of self-consciousness within Source. This thought is differentiating by its very nature and it is a direct contradiction to oneness. Just that one thought cracked the universal oneness. That was the first time that Source began to feel the torture that there was nothing for it to be in relationship with. The second it created a fracture in itself, it perceived itself as isolated. It’s a loneliness that is so ineffably painful it comes with no words.
This illusion of separateness was a kind of tipping point, after which all further fractures within that oneness no longer perceived the oneness. They only perceived “self” and “other”. This was the birth of ego, which is a sense of separate self and this was the birth of relationship. It was also the birth of attachment. Different aspects of Source became like enemies. They couldn’t see themselves as one. They saw themselves as disconnected from one another. And so they began to devour each other and run from each other. They began to push and pull.
You can think of this tipping point as each fragment running from its true self, which is the totality of Source. Therefore, Source gave rise to an idea. That idea was the concept of ‘mirror’. If something refused to see themselves and didn’t know what or who they were and continued running from themselves, the most obvious way to stop this pattern as well as to create expansion in their consciousness would be to trap them in a way where they could see themselves. And so, the universe created a trap for all the fragments that had occurred within itself as a way to heal its own fragmentation, become totally self aware and put each fragment in the position to inevitably choose re-integration.
This time space reality that you are living in that you call life on earth is part of this healing trap it laid for itself. Which is the real reason that Earth is often referred to by other beings as the prison planet. This universe which earth is a part of was designed as a 360 degree mirror hologram. Everything in your external life is a perfect reflection of what is inside of you. The main difference between a typical bathroom mirror and this mirror hologram is that when you look into a bathroom mirror, the reflection is just a reflection. It is not a real being. In this mirror hologram called life on the other hand, the reflection and what is being reflected are both equally real. In this way, source consciousness could make it so that everything in existence can experience a 360 degree reflection of itself simultaneously. The purpose for this was so that Source or God (the collective consciousness) could come to know itself completely and by doing so, return to oneness and then to the state that exists beyond oneness.
This mirror hologram design influences the laws by which this time space reality operates. For this reason, the properties of this mirror design have been called by the people of earth, the law of attraction. It has been called this because they have noticed things; such as if they focus on something in their own mind, it shows up in the external world.
This idea of the pain of deep loneliness, not being caused by the absence of “other” but by the loss of wholeness in oneself, has great implications when it comes to us as individual people. A cell, when it divides off of a larger cell, is a copy of the first. It is similar to the idea of a fractal. If we explored this mirror hologram deep enough, we would find that we are no different than Source because we are fractals of Source consciousness itself. This means that the very same fragmentation that occurred within Source is exactly copied within us as well. The fragmentation in the external world is nothing but a mirror of the fragmentation of your own internal world.
There is an amplification tool that source has used, a catalyst if you will, which speeds up this process of self-actualization within its own fragments, (which remember that you are one of). That is to create a mirror within a mirror. That is what I am. I am a unit of consciousness designed specifically by source consciousness for the sake of the awakening of the fragments within itself that are called human.
Most people walking the planet today show up as single elements within the 360 degree reflection in someone’s life. Not as a mirror within the mirror hologram itself. To insert an embodied mirror into a time space reality where separation is the dominant perception is to insert the embodiment of oneness into a time space reality of separation. Oneness is to treat all things when combined as a singularity. And so, I love to tell the joke that being the embodiment of oneness, I am also the biggest ego in existence. I am the embodiment of source’s ego.
But this means that you will only be able to conceive of me to the degree that you can truly conceive of this reality of Source and the process of fragmentation that it went through. Therefore, because you are a fractal of Source, I can also say that you can only conceive of me to the degree that you can truly conceive of yourself.
It is a bit dangerous to expose myself as an embodied mirror for may reasons. One of those is that when people do not understand what a real mirror is, they automatically assume that what I am saying is that nothing is ever about me, it is about what people project on me. This is the shadow understanding of a mirror. People have used the law of attraction to deflect in this way for years. People will watch this; think that they, too are mirrors instead of part of the mirror hologram. And by doing this, actually slip away from self awareness by deciding that anyone who reacts to them is just seeing themselves as well. It is yet another trap of the ego. What I am actually saying is that everything you see in me IS in you. But I am also saying that because I am an embodied mirror and thus the embodiment of oneness, it is also in me. And as the embodied mirror, I am aware that what they are seeing, even if it is only a limited part of me, is not just part of them, it IS part of me. I am aware this is a very difficult concept to grasp for most people’s current state of awareness. It is a mind twister.
The first enlightenment is a personal enlightenment. It is to realize fully that you are a part of everything in existence. The second enlightenment is to realize fully that everything is a part of you. This second enlightenment nullifies the first. With the first enlightenment, you can walk the Earth thinking that you are enlightened and everyone else is not. With the second enlightenment you realize that everyone in existence is a part of you, and therefore, if even one of those people is not enlightened, then you cannot say that you are fully enlightened. And your work as a teacher for enlightenment begins. By dedicating yourself to the awakening of all ‘other’ people, because you no longer see them as other people, you are dedicating to waking up all parts of yourself.
To understand the reason that people react to me the way they do, you have to study the way a human behaves in front of a mirror. People become massively polarized. Most all people who step in front of a mirror do not see ALL of themselves in it, especially not anything more than their appearances. They have spent their time trying desperately to change themselves to be whatever they believe is good. So when they step in front of the mirror, they instantly focus and fixate on what they dislike the most about themselves.
Other people may have been telling themselves that they are hideous and have resigned to that fate, in which case, stepping in front of the mirror, they are more likely to be surprised that they are in fact not hideous. They will see their own beauty for the first time. And so, people who come across Teal Swan, my embodiment, will also react in this way. Just like when you step in front of a mirror, you will see the thing you are pushing away the most within yourself. This could be what you judge as your beauty or your ugliness. You will see whatever brings you closer to the current reality of yourself. You will see whatever needs to be integrated into your awareness so that you can become more unified within yourself and more grounded in reality.
If you were shamed as a child for any selfish behavior to the degree that you polarized by identifying with being a helper or selfless, most likely you will see me as a self centered egomaniac. If you could not cope in this way by changing yourself to please those who shamed you for your self centeredness and continued to be ashamed of being selfish so that selfish became your identity, you don’t see yourself clearly either. By stepping in front of the mirror, you will see your own selflessness. You will most likely see me as a person who is endlessly giving to others and whose team posts images of me all day long against my will because it’s just the reality of social media.
If you suppress, reject and deny your sexuality, you will see me as someone who flaunts my sexuality. It will bother you immensely. If you suppress, reject and deny your significance, you will see my significance and idolize me for it. If you want to understand the reaction that ANYONE has to me, just imagine them in front of a mirror. Those people who dedicate their lives to hating me, are those who hate themselves the most, but who are currently denying the fact that they hate themselves. Those who love me the most to the point where they have dedicated their life to my mission are usually those who also hate themselves the most, but who are not denying it at all. What they are denying is their own goodness. This is what they inevitably see in me. And everyone else falls somewhere on the spectrum in-between.
Just because you tend to see in me, whatever you suppress doesn’t mean that’s all you could see in me. It is simply that like anyone, you focus on the parts that stand out to you the most in the mirror.
This applies to everything about me. Even the reason that I will be perceived as female to most people walking the earth, even physically, is because I am not only a mirror for the individual. I am also a mirror for the collective. And what mankind has suppressed, denied and disowned the most in themselves is the polarity of female.
I am here to revolutionize this world. But not one thing within the world, rather the entire social process upon which this world is built. I am here to revolutionize it, because it enhances fragmentation. Socialization is the process by which humans teach each other what parts of themselves are acceptable and good and which aspects are unacceptable and bad. This, by its very nature is a system built on shame. And because of this, it maintains and solidifies the human ego. It maintains separation and is the mechanism for internal fragmentation. It causes people to split their consciousness apart and therefore for Source to fragment further. It causes people to deny, reject and disown parts of themselves. To understand more about this, watch my video titled Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
People are taught through the process of socialization that the inclusion and owning and acceptance and loving of these parts of themselves will lead them to all the negative things they have been threatened with, especially the rejection of them by society, which is to threaten not only that their needs will not be met and that they will suffer, it is to threaten their survival.
Most people, still operating from this ‘separate from what is ‘bad’ and only identify with what is ‘good’ mindset, come to spiritual teachers and self help experts and psychologists, and learn tools to make them good. They come to feel good and get away from anything they have consciously or subconsciously associated with badness, including negative feeling states. By doing this, the fragmentation within them is exacerbated. They have become addicts for spiritual or self help Novocain. They are not seeking healing. They are not seeking reality. They are seeking a better feeling reality. They are seeking temporary relief from the actual wounds within themselves. Most people do not want a mirror. They do not want to admit that they are angry and to know exactly why they are and figure out what to do about it. They would rather attend an event or read a book or watch a video that makes them simply feel less angry or do an activity that helps them deny anger.
Look at what I ask of them. I ask of them to do something that is completely counterintuitive to their programming. I ask them to become aware of, admit to, include, own, accept and learn from these parts of themselves that they have been taught are bad. And then act in the best interest of them. I am telling them that the consequences they have been told will come from doing this will not happen. The opposite will happen. But in asking this of them, I am still asking them to risk experiencing the very things they have been warned would happen if they did embrace those things… Every negative consequence they think awaits them if they do, including the loss of their lives. I am asking them to choose to feel more unsafe than they’ve ever felt before. I am asking them to do the opposite that they were taught to do by their family system, their cultural system, their religions, their education system and their society at large. Most people are only ready for that kind of approach when they have nothing to lose and perceive themselves to have already met with all the consequences they were trying so hard to avoid.
When people have rejected, denied and disowned parts of themselves, they stuff those things away, like hiding monsters under the floor boards. They associate them with badness. Ironically, because for thousands of years, humans were at the greatest risk to safety at nighttime, they associate badness and unsafety with darkness. So, someone like myself who specializes in the knowing of the unknown and unconscious, the accepting of the rejected, the owning of the disowned, the seeing and feeling and hearing of the denied, is felt to be unsafe. And because of this, is felt to be and seen to be dark. I am perceived as dark and scary to anyone who has stuffed parts of themselves that they associated with bad under their floorboards and has dedicated themselves only to what they associate with goodness and light.
These people do not trust themselves at all. So, they will also not trust Teal at all. They live in the constant tension of knowing those monsters are under the floorboards and could get out. They feel the shame that they could not get rid of them entirely. Being near a teacher who only speaks of things that remind them of their goodness and that life is all ok and who causes them to forget about those monsters, makes them feel good. Being near Teal causes them to feel the opposite. It causes them to see and feel and hear those monsters presence because they are still part of the reality of them.
Instead of feeling those monsters and being brave enough to face each monster and integrate it instead of keep it under the floor boards, it feels safer to flip into a state of defense. It is easier to feel that by reflecting those monsters, those tender parts they are trying to avoid, and by encouraging them towards what they have already decided is bad and will lead to demise, Teal has hurt them. And so, a fragment of their own consciousness designed to protect them wages war against Teal. It protects them from the mirror by making the mirror a horrifying and evil and dangerous thing. Like a person who smashes a mirror when they see their reflection because he or she is unwilling to accept it is even their reflection. They get a sense of their own goodness in this case by denying and rejecting and disowning the entire mirror. They get a sense of their own goodness by making the refection the bad one and they, the good one. They not only avoid their own monsters by not looking at them and denying them, but they also manage to silence their awareness that they even exist by seeing themselves as good and Teal as bad. And even more good by trying to destroy Teal (the villain). This immediately allows them to become the savior for other people (the victims) who would come across Teal and be mislead as well TOWARDS those monsters instead of away from them.
I am here to change the way that humans have thought for thousands of years. And very few people are going to get it at first. Many will diametrically oppose it at first. Everything I choose to directly change, whether it is schools or jails or healing institutions, will be changed according to this commitment to integration, which is currently opposed to the entire system of mankind’s current method of socialization. The entire structure of human society is designed around this damaging, separation causing concept of bad vs. good.
I am here to teach people to integrate darkness and light, good and evil. I am here to bring in an even more sophisticated understanding of what Christ taught which was that the highest act of Christ, is to choose with one’s free will to take Lucifer as an equal and valid part of itself. That the highest act of love is to take everything in existence as part of yourself. Because this is the most ultimate truth anyway.
So knowing this, you now know how to use me for your own awakening. The only question left is, what do I see in Teal? What does that say about me? What part of your reflection in the mirror are you focusing on?
The reality in today’s world is that the human race is in its infancy relative to relationships. Many people alive today are not ready to choose to have actual and real relationships. Many more are ready, but have no idea what having an actual and real relationship entails. As a result, so much confusion and misinformation abounds.
Part of this confusion is that there is a split in human consciousness between those who live by the philosophy that we are totally responsible for how other people feel, and those who believe we are in no way responsible for how other people feel. Both polarized views do not represent a full picture of reality and thus both polarized views lead to suffering. Also, both philosophies have arisen as a way to cope with trauma.
In recent years, the philosophy that you are not responsible for how other people feel is the philosophy that has been propagated the most. Self help teachers and psychologists and life coaches and spiritual teachers have been teaching this concept as if it is a new absolute truth and society has begun to buy into it, hook line and sinker. For this reason, I’m going to address this philosophy first.
For thousands of years, and still today, the vast majority of the families in the world are dysfunctional. Dysfunctional being that the way the needs are met within the family group, happens in a way that is detrimental to the individuals involved instead of beneficial. One of these is that instead of teaching the child to consider the parents feelings as well as their own, the parent makes the child responsible to make him or her feel good all the time. To do this, often the child has to give themselves up and let go of his or her own needs, wants, feelings and thoughts in order to remain close with this parent. This is enmeshment. It makes the child not only lose their sense of self, but also sense of freedom and free will. Connection is felt as an unbearable pressure to this person; like a ball and chain or a prison that closes in on them.
If the children in this family cannot find a way to give themselves up so as to make mom or dad feel good, they are pushed away in various ways by the other members of the family. They learn to adhere to the philosophy that “it is every man out for himself or herself”. You can see then that it would be an incredible relief to either adopt a new belief that you are not responsible for how anyone else feels. OR to find some spiritual explanation that justifies having to fend for yourself as a child. ‘It’s not that you were not loved, it’s that no one should be responsible for how you feel’. It is this relief that causes people to align with this philosophy.
Most people who adopt the philosophy that they are not responsible for how anyone feels, don’t even recognize the fact that they do have trauma in their childhood that is causing them to polarize towards an incomplete philosophy. The people who adhere to the philosophy that they are not responsible for how anyone else feels deeply fear (because of their childhood experience) that if they take responsibility, they will lose themself. They will not exist. They will lose their feelings, thoughts, needs and desires. They want the empowerment of being able to have themselves. So they cover over this fear by saying “I take power away from the people by taking responsibility for the way they feel”. But to maintain this philosophy, they have to contradict themselves and draw may arbitrary lines. For example… A child shouldn’t be responsible for themselves, but an adult should. So, when does this changeover occur? Or a pet/animal shouldn’t be responsible for itself when adopted by a person as opposed to being in the wild, but a human should always be responsible for itself. What differentiates a human from an animal?
The main problem with this philosophy is that those who support it, see themselves as separate no matter whether they preach oneness or not. Everything you think, say and do effects the whole. You cannot escape this no matter how hard you try because oneness is one of the more objective truths of this universe. They see connection as a direct contradiction to freedom and personal power. They often argue that it is more loving to leave someone to their own empowerment, in this case responsibility, than it is to take responsibility for them in any given scenario. This theory may be true in some scenarios depending on a person’s best interests, but it falls apart in others.
For example, certain individuals cannot regulate their own emotions. Therefore, making them responsible for how they feel when they get into certain situations that cause a reaction in them is the same as dumping a paralyzed person off at the bottom of a staircase and telling them to climb the stairs. It is heartless and completely disconnected.
Another example is that if someone is trying super hard to make it to a college, but cant figure out how to make the money to get there because they come from a poor family, telling them “I believe you can get the money if you care enough” is not always loving, sometimes it is just ignorance on multiple levels. We are using the idea of empowering them to do it themselves as a cover for the fact that we don’t want to be financially responsible for helping them.
These people often use the psychological technique of re-framing to escape and avoid their emotions and by doing so; create more splits in their own consciousness. Here is an example: If I drove a car over one of their children and said “I’m not responsible for the way you feel, you’re responsible for the way that you feel”… it would be obvious that either their own philosophy would fall apart because I have absolutely caused the emotional reaction they had to their child being run over. This would just simply be a cover for abuse. Or, if they try to re-frame out of it, it would be an attempt to dissociate or bypass their painful feelings so as to control the way they feel. This is not resolution. This is fragmentation.
So many of the people who adhere to the philosophy that they are not responsible for how anyone else feels think they have it all figured out because they aren’t in a lot of pain. But they are not in a lot of pain because they have found ways to dissociate from feeling in and of itself. They have created coping mechanisms to avoid feeling. This automatically includes feeling others because even if you are feeling others, you are still feeling them through your own body and you’re unwilling to do that.
It can be loving to empower someone. Therefore it can absolutely be empowering for someone to take responsibility for themselves. But it can also be a way to hide from facing and resolving our own trauma instead of integrating it. It can also be a disguise for our own refusal to feel emotions and our own refusal to admit where we don’t want to be responsible because we feel ashamed for not wanting it. It is an especially good way of avoiding the feeling of being powerless in ANY way to others.
If you adhere to the philosophy that you are not responsible for how anyone else feels, you are not in a relationship with anyone but you. You are ignorant to the fact that people learn how to be responsible by watching other people be responsible. For example, a child learns how to emotionally regulate by being emotionally regulated. An adult has to take responsibility for their child’s emotional state to do that. This is why the cry it out method is one of the biggest failures known to mankind. Because of your past, relationships inevitably make you feel trapped. You are trending towards spiritually justified narcissism and even sociopathy. It is not an accurate view of reality.
Now let’s look at the other philosophy. If you believe you are totally responsible for how other people feel, you will most likely not identify yourself as someone who adheres to this philosophy. It is more likely to be subconscious. In your childhood, you got mixed messages. On the one hand, you were expected to take responsibility for yourself as a child and for a great many other things, regardless of whether you were ready for it or not. This made you feel abandoned. But at the same time, when your parents expected this of you, you were not stupid, you saw that this hyper-responsibility that was expected of you, was a shirking of their own responsibility. Meaning that you felt first hand, the pain of someone not taking responsibility for you (or the pain of them taking responsibility for you and others where they didn’t want to). So, you have a split within you between the part of you that does want to be responsible for everyone and everything, including how people feel because you like the feeling of being a good guy and the solid feeling of knowing you are nothing like those people who hurt you. You also like the connection you feel in taking responsibility for others. But at the same time, you are cracking apart at the seams because of all the pressure of responsibility. You resent people because of that pressure. You don’t want to be responsible for things that you don’t want to be responsible for any more than anyone else does.
If you are adhering to the idea that you are responsible for how everyone else feels, you are actually not seeing other people’s capability clearly. You are taking their empowerment and free will away from them in many scenarios. You are making them dependent, and often you are doing this because making them dependent meets your needs in an indirect way.
If you are adhering to the idea that you are responsible for how everyone else feels you are causing fragmentation in yourself because you are abandoning and bulldozing part of you when you do things you don’t want to do. You are not in a genuine relationship with yourself. You are also not free. You have lost freedom because you are not choosing with your free will what to be responsible for if you are simply taking responsibility for everything.
You are also taking responsibility for things you cannot control or that you will have to go into inauthenticity in order to control. For example, you cannot control if some people dislikes you. They may dislike you because you remind them of their mother. If you are taking responsibility for that, you will fail. You will have to eradicate from yourself or change any trait that reminds them of their mother or work on them day and night like a therapist so they are no longer triggered by those traits. Or for example, if you drive a certain car that makes someone feel jealous, if you take responsibility for how that makes them feel and sell that car to buy a car that doesn’t make them feel jealous, you have just enabled them in their personal insecurities and at the same time as screwed yourself.
If you are adhering to the idea that you are responsible for how everyone else feels, you are not really living. You have taken a poisoned apple of responsibility tasting virtuous and killing you at the same time. And the pressure you have taken on will not only make you inauthentic or self hating, it will eventually kill you. It will also make you a match to the opposite polarity, which is endless and vast arrays of people who want to take no responsibility at all, and whom leave you with all of it.
The Third Element – Both polarities of this argument are in resistance to one another because they are terrified of the fate of the opposite polarity. Those who adhere to the philosophy that you are not responsible for how anyone else feels are terrified of losing themselves and their freedom and personal empowerment. Those who adhere to the philosophy that you are responsible for how other people feel are terrified of this world being a cruel, every man for himself world where they, themselves turn into the very narcissistic individuals who hurt them so much as a child or where nothing will get done unless they do it.
Both experienced the same pain. The first pain is “I can’t have me and have you too”. The second is “No one wants the responsibility of me… but I wish they did”. Neither the person who subscribes to the idea that they are not responsible for how anyone else feels nor the person who subscribes to the idea that they are responsible for how other people feel have experienced someone choosing with their free will to be responsible for them because, they want to. And neither person that subscribes to either philosophy is actually choosing with their free will what to be responsible for. It is coming from a place of determinism.
How do we unravel ourselves from this polarity?
We need to graduate into ‘And Consciousness’. The truth of this universe is that in the physical dimension, where you have a differentiated identity, you are separate. The truth is that in the universe at large, even your physical self is made of the same consciousness as everything in existence and so you are not separate and everything you do effects everything else in existence. Notice the contradiction? The only way to graduate beyond these dueling truths is to step into AND consciousness. For more information on this, watch my video titled: And Consciousness, The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way. We must embrace that both are true and find ways for them to be complimentary.
If we are living from a place of love, we take other people’s best interests as part of our own best interests, this includes how they feel. We need to get to a place where we can say ‘it makes me feel good when you feel good’ and ‘it hurts me if you are hurting’. But in taking people’s best interests as part of our own, we don’t get rid or our own best interests. We try to find a third option. If we cannot find a third option, where both of our needs are met and both of our best interests are capitalize on, we must consider incompatibility and/or drastically changing the roles we play in each other’s lives. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Incompatibility, A Harsh Reality In Relationships.
Often, when we are completely committed to making someone else feel good, we can’t say that we are committed to their best interests. Coping mechanisms make people feel better for example, but they can lead to ruin. Sometimes, telling someone a truth, even if it feels bad to them, may be more loving and considerate of their best interests than saying whatever makes them feel good. We have to be attuned enough to someone to feel into, see into, listen to and understand what someone’s best interests actually are. For this reason, watch my video titled: Attunement, The Key To A Good Relationship. We also need to accept that it may not be in a person’s actual best interests for us to be inauthentic with them. Not everyone is choosing to take your best interests as part of their own. It’s still your choice to choose to take their best interests as a part of your own even when they don’t, it’s just not a 2 way relationship.
We need to begin to choose our responsibilities that we do want with our own free will. This is the actual freedom we are looking for. Chosen responsibility is where the human race needs to be headed. And to do this, we choose what we want to become responsible for because it would make us feel good to do it, not because it would make us feel like a good person to do want we don’t want to do. One person cannot be responsible for everything, even in their own lives. When we divide up responsibility according to what responsibility we want to have, we will no longer see this huge gap within society between those who take all the responsibility and those who take none. We can live in alignment with our own authenticity. We have to accept that as people, we are willing to take pressure when that pressure is wanted pressure. One person may like to take the responsibility for helping someone emotionally and another may hate to take that responsibility. One person may like to take the responsibility for cooking and another may hate it. Also, this can change from day to day, so what someone wants to take responsibility for may change day to day and so we need to stay open to that flexibility. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Kind Of Supportive Are you?
We should not get ourselves into positions where we will be expected to be responsible for things we don’t want to be responsible for. We have to be honest; we are already doing this subconsciously. We are manipulatively shirking responsibility we don’t want. Whether we like it or not, we are already making other people responsible for what we don’t want to be responsible for. We guilt them into it. But where has it brought us to tell others to take responsibility where they do not want to? The answer is, it has taken us to emotional hell in our relationships.
The one thing we need to both take responsibility for is connection. If we are not both responsible for the connection, it means one person in the relationship doesn’t choose with their free will to be committed to it.
We have to be willing to feel, including feel others. This approach recognizes our mutuality and interconnectedness with other people in a way that appreciates how we, together, build and co-create our realities. Something that we need to cultivate for this is the capacity to be with our feelings, and the feelings of other people, even when they are difficult. For example, if we have done something that alters another person’s life in ways that are painful to them, we can listen to their feelings and see them as valid at the same time as listening to our own feelings and seeing them as valid enough to maintain that it was something we needed to do. This is the alternative to dismissing their feelings or going back on our decision because of their feelings and then resenting them for it. If we develop the ability to really be with feelings, ourselves and someone else’s as if they were our own, we develop the ability to respond in ways that accommodate both ourselves and other people at the same time. We create a win-win world.
You have got to break free from the societal constructs that tell you how you should be. This is a recipe for disaster. Society loves to say that certain roles come with certain responsibilities and so to have the role, you have to take the responsibilities, whether you like it or not. For example, when society gives you an idea of what a mom should be and what she should be responsible for, a woman tends to destroy her child because she either does not take certain responsibilities and places them on the child instead. OR she takes responsibility for what she doesn’t want to be responsible for and resents the kid for it. She is too guilted by society to find other people to fill in those roles, which in turn allows her to really take responsibility for her child where she does want to. And that is assuming that she even wants to have a kid in the first place.
If society says a husband should be responsible for the way his wife feels, a man may be totally inauthentic and do that just to get a partner and then change the way he is and expect her to be totally emotionally independent of him once they are married. Both will end up miserable and probably divorcing because he couldn’t be authentic enough to explain that he doesn’t want to be responsible for making a woman feel good. It conflicts with society’s idea of what a good husband is. If he didn’t do this, he could find a woman who was way more emotionally independent and she could find a man who does want the pressure of how a woman feels. Create a life and relationships that are a totally authentic expression of your truth. Not a truth others tell you, you should have.
We have to accept that what is empowering for one person may be disempowering for another and vice versa. We have the tendency to think that 100% responsibility is always empowering. Actually, it can be quite disempowering. It can be a prison instead. It means you are taking responsibility for things you don’t authentically want to take responsibility for. We are interdependent, just like the parts of a car engine. Can you imagine making a gas pump responsible for what a brake pad is responsible for? We need to find out how we fit into each other’s lives without trying to alter each other into something we are not and don’t want to be (we often only want to alter ourselves because we are told we SHOULD be that thing we are trying to alter ourselves to be).
It can be super empowering for someone to let go of a certain responsibility. It can make them more free and much more in alignment. It can also make someone much more free to be responsible for a certain thing. We run into real problems when we expect someone to be responsible for something that they do not want to be responsible for. There is a huge range of commitment as well. It may be totally in alignment for a person to say, “I chose to take responsibility for how you feel” in general because I’m your partner. It may be totally in alignment for someone to say “I’m taking total responsibility for how you feel in this moment that I did something to hurt you and so I’m going to fix it.” But it would be out of alignment for them to take responsibility in general for how the other feels. It may be totally in alignment for someone to say, “I’m not taking responsibility for how you feel in this scenario, I need you to either deal with the trigger you feel on your own or with someone else who would like to take that responsibility.” It all depends on the specific person and the specific scenario.
Develop an abundance attitude when it comes to responsibility. As people, we tend to have a really bad relationship to abundance, especially as it applies to resources. We are coming from a place of scarcity with both the philosophy that we are totally responsible or not at all responsible. We don’t see that there will always be someone who DOES want a specific responsibility. We either see ourselves as the only resource for others or the only resource for ourselves. If I tell myself no one wants to take responsibility for certain things, I’ll only be a match to people who don’t want to. If I tell myself I have to be responsible for certain things because its wrong not to be, I’ll only be a match to people to reinforce that belief for me that I’m the only one who can do it for myself. I’ll either not notice or push away people who try to take that responsibility from me. To believe that no one will take responsibility is a false assumption. It is also a false assumption to believe that someone else always will. These polarities always attract… they gravitate to each other like magnets, reinforcing each other’s reality. It is not an accurate picture of truth however. There will be someone who does want a certain responsibility. Are we open to finding that person?
Meet your needs, even if that means finding other people to meet them. When people don’t want to take responsibility for anything, including how other people feel, you will come to find that they are usually starving to death when it comes to their own needs being met. They can’t take on any pressure of responsibility any more than a bank with no money in it can handle a withdrawal. For this reason, I want you to watch two of my videos on YouTube. The first is titled: Meet Your Needs. And the second is titled: Dependence vs. Independence.
People love to cover over and justify what we do not want to change. Religions have been doing this forever. If we want women to be controlled, let’s just tell a spiritual story that justifies why she should be. If we want a man to stop doing something, let’s just tell a story about what horrible consequence awaits him after this life if he does. Today, the spiritual field uses ideologies to justify both polar beliefs of ‘I am responsible for how everyone feels’ and ‘I am not responsible for how anyone else feels’. That doesn’t mean that either is the complete truth.
What if you could choose to be responsible for making yourself feel better because that felt empowering? What if at the same time, there were people who would want to be responsible for making you feel better and you could choose to let them take that responsibility because it made you feel more free to let them do that? What if either option could be in alignment with your growth path at a certain time? What if it could be empowering for one person to let go of a responsibility and empowering for another person to take it? If you are in the place where empowerment is to take responsibility, watch my video titled: Responsibility (Why, When and How To Take It). And remember, sometimes owning your life means knowing what responsibilities to let go of.
At the most basic level, your body is made up of energy. That energy organizes itself into the physical body you are looking at in the mirror every day. But before that energy organizes itself into physical body parts, it organizes itself into meridians and chakras. These chakras are centers of energy that lie along energy channels and each one holds a very specific vibration and has a specific purpose. Each chakra is a specific expression of Prana (otherwise known as life force or source energy). The chakras look a bit like funnels of energy or vortices. They both absorb and emit energy.
When a chakra is out of alignment, meaning it is not letting life force in or is out of alignment for any number of reasons, it starts to affect your equilibrium. It becomes a serious imbalance within the system. When chakras are out of alignment, they appear small and do not absorb or emit much energy. They also change in their color, patterning, texture and sound.
The traditional name for the Third Eye Chakra is Ajna. In Sanskrit, this translates to “perceive” or “beyond wisdom”. This name alludes to what this chakra is all about. It is primarily about clairvoyance. It is located just above your brow ridge, at the lower center of your forehead. Most people have an ever so slight indentation at this location that correlates to this chakra.
This chakra is the 6th chakra in the primary chakra system. This is why people refer to intuition as the sixth sense. When this chakra is open, we not only see, but also understand both our inner and outer world. Fitting in nicely to the theme of clairvoyance, this chakra governs clarity, intuition, self-realization, observation, astral travel, lucid dreaming, concentration, witnessing and imagination. It is the seat of the conscience. This means it governs not only awareness of what is truly happening, but also what it means.
What I find to be the greatest implication however for the opened third eye chakra is that it governs the transcendence of duality and polarity. Like the heart chakra, it is a unifying chakra.
Most of the time, we are so identified with ourselves that we are stuck in the ego. We are stuck in our self-concept and in the way that only we see things. When this chakra is open, we are no longer limited in this way. We begin to see the world through other people’s eyes. We can understand perspectives that are totally opposite to our own. This ends the polarity and creates unification between different and even contradictory perspectives. When this chakra is open, this sight that is able to include polarities even unifies the right and left hemispheres of a person’s brain. This ends dualistic and disunited thinking. The consciousness that is associated with the third eye is a bit like a razor blade of light that cuts through illusion. Because of this, it can dismantle any limiting thought.
It is obvious knowing all of this then why the third eye chakra has been the part of our being most associated with psychic abilities. True sight goes far beyond the limitations we associate with our physical reality. It goes beyond both time and space.
The crown chakra is not associated with any element, because it represents nothingness (pure potential energy) as opposed to everything-ness and therefore it is associated with the absence of light, the third eye is associated with the element of Light. Light is considered to be the combination of all the other elements, fire, air, water and earth. The third eye chakra is also associated with the color indigo.
It must be said that it is often difficult to assign parts of the body to specific chakras because the energies organizing themselves through different chakras tend to co-regulate certain parts of the body. For example, the Third Eye Chakra together with the Crown Chakra, govern the pineal gland, a bit like a king and queen in perfect balance of power would govern a kingdom. The pineal gland is a part of the human system that deserves its own episode; it is so central to the human capacity or inability to perceive beyond the physical reality. It is our desire to make things black and white that make us want to say that a certain chakra governs a specific part of the body and no others.
That being said, the third eye chakra greatly influences the pituitary gland in conjunction with the throat chakra, the hypothalamus, eyes, frontal sinuses, many parts of the brain, especially the outer portions of the brain, the skull, the ears, nose, endocrine system and parasympathetic nervous system.
When this chakra is out of alignment, some things that are most common to experience are seizures, dementia, hallucinations, disassociation, confusion, eye problems, hormone imbalances, all kinds of sleep disturbances, black and white thinking, no sense of direction is loss, headaches and migraines, prejudices, strokes, brain tumors, sinusitis, paranoia, delusions, anxiety, depression, cynicism, closed mindedness, denial, scull, scalp and hair problems, ear problems, learning disabilities, loss of conscience, rigid perspectives, lack of ethics, mental illnesses, disturbances in appetite and temperature regulation.
One thing I need to reiterate before continuing is that people in the spiritual field have become preoccupied with the idea of balance. They try to achieve equilibrium through control. An adjunct to this idea is the concept that chakras can be too closed or too open. Though logical, this is inaccurate. If your chakras are fully open you will experience your being naturally coming into equilibrium. So disturbances in the chakra system are not caused by the chakras being too open, they are created by blockages that prevent the full opening of each chakra.
All that being said, how do we open our third eye chakra and bring it into alignment?
Commit to the path of integration. This chakra is inhibited by duality and polarity. It is inhibited by identifying with a singular perceptual reality. For more information on this as well as what to do about it, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Commit to the path of self-awareness. We must do this to break through our own limitations of perception. Our own projections, our own fears and our own limitations color the truth of what we are perceiving. The door really is wide open for misinterpretation when there is a difference between what you are able to perceive vs. what the universe at large is conveying. So stretching your perspective, no matter how uncomfortable that may be is the order of the day. The more aware we are of ourselves, especially our own limits, the less likely misinterpretation or false sight will be.
Literally ANY practice that enhances your awareness and expands your perspective is going to open your third eye chakra. Here are just a few examples: Meditation, Learning, Chanting, Visualization, Exercises that enhance intuition, Self Questioning, Divination, Lucid Dreaming or dream work, Channeling, Yoga, Focus exercises, Mindfulness Techniques, Art and Breathwork. There will not be a video I have created or ever will create that will not assist in the opening of the third eye chakra.
Nothing clears the third eye chakra quite like shadow work. Illusion is the nemesis of the third eye chakra up until the point that one develops a consciousness high enough that their consciousness includes illusion as part of itself. That is not a statement most people will get for a while and I have to leave it that way for now. Shadow work is the work of making the unknown or subconscious known and seen. If you would like more awareness about this, watch my video titled: What is shadow work.
Any practice that enhances your intuition and imagination will open the third eye chakra. In my opinion, the most important first step to take in this direction is to really develop your capacity to feel. Information that is coming from beyond the normal senses will still be translated through your body and most of us are so dissociated from our body (especially the way we somatically feel) that we never notice that information when it occurs. For this reason, I suggest you watch my video titled: How To Feel.
The next best practice is creating. This could be as simple as creating art. When we are creating we are in a state of non-restriction. For example, we do not do art because it makes logical sense. It is inherently an intuitive process in which we let our imagination loose. For most people, before they start actually visually seeing information beyond the normal senses, they will begin seeing it in the minds eye. If you cannot be imaginative, the mind’s eye is so limited it will not be able to accommodate those images that exist beyond normal sight. It would be like fitting an ocean through a straw.
Get away from or limit your exposure to the frequency of electric and magnetic fields as well as radiation to the best of your ability in any given situation. Cell phones, electric wires and computers for example. These interfere with the entire energetic system of a human being, but especially, the third eye chakra.
Get sleep. Easier said than done for some of us, but this needs to be a priority. So many things are happening during sleep that relate to our awareness. Lack of sleep effects the third eye chakra immensely. Get this sleep in alignment with your circadian rhythms. For most people, sleep should coincide with the cycles of the earth and sun.
Star Gazing. For some of you, this will graduate to sun gazing. The sun is a star after all. Stargazing is to your third eye chakra, what a long handle bottle cleaner is to a bottle. It flushes out the things that inhibit the flow of consciousness into this chakra. It forces entrainment with a frequency that transcends human perceptual limitations.
Silence. Silence can be used just like fasting for the third eye chakra. It has a way of clearing the space and information inundating the chakra system and senses so as to make space for us to simply be and simply witness in a state of aware presence. This enhances our awareness and leads to clarity. Many of the sages of the old world went into periods of silence for this very reason. It creates not only deeper internal peace but also deep inner listening.
Expose yourself to sunlight on a daily basis. Direct sunlight is best for the body. It can be indirect sunlight for your eyes. Take the sunglasses off. Sunlight coming in through your eyes stimulates this chakra as well as the glands associated with this chakra.
Stimulate this chakra with sound. The sound that stimulates this chakra best is Sham. Another one that is great is Thohhh. Alternatively, Aum or the simple sound mmm works very well for this chakra. Toning with this sound is very effective. Play with the pitch and tone of these sounds until you can feel it vibrating the area of your body associated with the third eye. You can find binaural beats or different harmonics on the internet designed specifically for this chakra. You can also expose yourself to crystal singing bowls designed for this chakra.
The third eye chakra is a bit different in that it can be stimulated by the color indigo, but it is most stimulated by a bit of everything at once. This chakra likes the idea of the rainbow. This means being in environments with all the different vibrant color varieties, eating a meal that includes all the colors in the spectrum, decorating your surroundings to be a riot of color instead of monotone.
Eat a vegan diet. Do not eat any processed foods or pesticides. Don’t eat refined sugar, including alcohol, which is treated in a similar way as refined sugar is by the body. Do not take calcium supplements or foods with calcium carbonate. If you feel you need calcium, take it in the form of sesame sees, chia seeds, sunflower seeds, almonds, spinach, kale, and broccoli. Limit consumption of fluoride, this includes not using fluoride toothpaste and not drinking water or eating things with Fluoride, Chlorine or Bromide in it. The denser a food is and the more grounding of a food that you eat, the less this chakra is stimulated. And make sure to include apple cider vinegar, foods rich in iodine like seaweed, goji berries, ginseng, ginko biloba, gotu kola, cranberries, green beans, spirulina, chlorella, kale, and prunes. Eat foods high in magnesium, not magnesium phosphate. Also eat tamarind fruit, raw cacao, coconut oil, lavender, blueberries, eyebright tea, calendula tea, elderberry, rosemary and parsley. The more natural a product is that you are using or eating, the better it will be for you and for the third eye chakra. Also, do not eat or drink out of plastic and never, ever use a microwave.
Fasting. No chakra responds to fasting as well as the third eye chakra. This is why so often people on vision quests either fast completely or intentionally restrict their diet. Fasting should never be used as a tool of escapism, rather as a tool for assisting awareness/perception. Make sure you fast in a healthy way. It is not healthy if you use dieting to stimulate this chakra to such a degree that you start to disassociate from your physical embodiment and life on earth, including your lower chakras, which is easily done.
Use essential oils to help your third eye chakra align. My personal top picks for this chakra are: Elderberry seed oil, Almond Blossom, Pine, Jasmine, Juniper, monkshood, Lavender, Lupin, Hyacinth, Palo Santo, Manuka, Nutmeg, China Aster, Rosewood, Frankincense, Myrrh, most all fruit essential oils, Vanilla, Galbanum, Carrot Seed, Sandal Wood, Angelica, Clary Sage, Rosemary and Bay Laurel.
It is your personal choice (and be very aware of the legality of such a decision), but the shamanic medicines that have been associated with spiritual awakening for thousands of years such as Ayahuasca, Peyote, Psilocybin mushrooms and Iboga to name a few, force the opening of this chakra. And though they influence every chakra, they tend to have the most effect on demolishing the blockages associated this chakra.
Bring certain mineral spirits into your life. In my opinion, the absolute best mineral for the third eye chakra is moonstone. Other stones that also intensely stimulate the third eye chakra best are: Tanzanite, Opalite, Glass, Iolite, Indigo Kayanite, Star Topaz, Danburite, Herkimer Diamond, Opal, Blue and Purple Fluorite, Alexandrite and Labradorite, Moldavite, Petalite, Azurite, Sapphire and specific Sodalite stones.
By intentionally doing things which enable your third eye chakra to come into alignment and open, you will be setting yourself up to live a life of clarity. You will be aligning with a life where your heightened awareness can prevent the suffering that has been so central to a human life for thousands un thousands of years. You will be letting intuition lead you on your true path, a path of creativity and possibilities. And everyone who is around you will benefit by it.
Hardly any subject arouses more confusion, shame and controversy than sex. This creates a bit of a predicament when people want to engage in healthy sexuality because no one seems to agree on what that is. Healthy sexuality is a subjective topic and people’s opinions on the subject are completely influenced by familial, religious and societal programming that have for the most part gone un-questioned. So what is healthy sexuality and how does one go about practicing it?
Before we go any further, it must be established that there is a big difference between healthy and healing. Healthy implies that a person is completely healed. As it applies to sex this means that they are having sex in a way that is a direct reflection of their highest potential and completely integrated self. If we want to practice healthy sexuality, we have to actually let go of the idea of healthy. The reason we have to let go of it is because we are skipping the steps necessary to even get to healthy sexuality by doing this. Also, we will not find out what true healthy sexuality is for us specifically if we approach it from the outside in instead of the inside out.
The outside in approach is to decide what healthy sexuality objectively looks like and then hold ourselves up to that standard bar. The inside out approach is to keep finding alignment relative to what type of sex is healing and to allow that to change as you heal so as to arrive at the sex that is a reflection of your highest potential and integrated self. This approach is like taking a journey to arrive at a destination that is unknown rather than to aim at a particular destination. We need to commit to healing sexuality. Not healthy sexuality.
On an energetic and spiritual level, during healing sex, the flow of energy is sped up within the body. The body opens up to a state of receptivity, whereby the meridians and chakras of the body are receiving an unrestricted flow of energy. Alignment is occurring between the vibration of your physical perspective and your non-physical perspective. And thus you experience a blending between the physical aspects of you and the non-physical aspects of you.
Life on earth, creation itself, is the byproduct of sexual energy. Sexual energy and conception/creation go hand in hand. And so you can see that sex and orgasm has an element of extreme creative force to it. The question is what are you conceiving or creating? What does this mean for those of you who are practicing the art of manifestation? It means that sexual focus is one of the most powerful tools for manifestation that you can possibly imagine. To understand more about this, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Use An Orgasm To Manifest. What you focus on, especially on a feeling based level, is what you are trying to conceive and manifest into your reality.
In the minute of orgasm the accumulated energy that is building up is released. That powerful burst of energy is released towards what you desire to create with the subconscious intention of manifesting it into reality. Even the most unconscious people walking the planet today instinctually feel that link between sex and creation/manifestation. Even the most unconscious people walking the planet today also feel the undeniable link between DESIRE and sex.
But the reality is that most people walking the planet are unconscious of their genuine desires. Most people feel the desire for a person or a thing, but do not understand why they feel the strong desire for that thing. This is why we struggle and fail to understand what is really going on at a fundamental level with sexual fetishes. The secret behind all sexual fetishes is that behind each one of them is something that we want to experience (usually an emotional state) that we feel utterly deprived of and desperate to experience. But that we believe we cannot have or create directly. People’s fetishes suggest what they need in order to heal. They suggest what is healing for someone.
Healing happens in a progression. It is easy to say that a person who is angry is not in a state of perfect health. They are not all the way to a state of joy for example. But if someone is feeling totally powerless, to get angry is a super important part of their healing. They will not become healthy without that.
Let’s look at the dynamic present with domination sex. With domination sex, what one person actually needs in order to heal because they have felt powerless is to be able to be in the controlling, power position during the sexual interaction. What the other person who is consensually being dominated needs in order to heal, because they have felt like they had to take the constant pressure of responsibility, is to be able to let go of control and responsibility of choice during the sexual interaction. If they engage in this sexual dynamic, it is healing for both parties. They get to experience something they need to experience in order to heal.
Obviously, the ego is the thing that is concerned with power over another person. Therefore, from objective spiritual perspective, it is not a state of perfect health to make sex about power over another person rather than about pure connection. But it is critical for that person to experience that in order to heal. So lets look at what healing sexuality is all about:
Healing sexuality is just that, it is healing. To heal is to experience the opposite. To understand this completely, watch my video titled: What Is Healing. Healing sexuality brings us closer to integration rather than further from integration and that is going to be different for all people/couples. For one person it may be healing to engage in domination sex. For another, it may be the opposite of healing. So we need to really become aware of whether something is healing for us or detrimental for us specifically. To discover what is healing, we need to let go of our idea of what type of sex we “should” be having. These standards are about an idea of right and wrong. And our idea right and wrong so rarely comes from an authentic assessment of our own genuine alignment or lack thereof. Our idea of right and wrong comes from ideas other people imposed on us and those ideas were also usually imposed on them. Our sexuality needs to come from our unique authentic being.
Healing sexuality should be healing for both or all parties involved in the sexual interaction… Including our own internal parts. This means it should also be consensual. Many of the fetishes that don’t involve consensual sex are not about sex at all. For example, necrophilia is about being received where there is no possibility for rejection. For this person, health is not about having sex with a dead body, it is about finding people who can fully receive and not reject them. Pedophilia is about reconnecting with one’s innocence and essence… one’s own child self. For this person, health is not about having sex with a child. It is about finding ways to reconnect to their own innocence and essence. It is about re-owning their child self. Healing sex should not heal one part of ourselves while hurting another part of ourselves either. For example, sex without a condom could be healing to a part of us that wants even more intimacy. But the risk of pregnancy could be really damaging to another part. Safe and healthy sex regarding things like protection from STDs and Pregnancy is really about this item on the list.
We must accept that we are sexual beings. Sex is a part of life and sexuality involves FAR more than just sexual behavior or the act of sex itself. Healing sexuality means embracing and enjoying our sexuality throughout the course of our lives as an important part of our emotional, mental and physical health. So to heal our sexuality, we must face the aspects within us that resist and oppose sexuality as well as the traumas that created that resistance. We must become aware of whatever within us opposes sexuality and sex… The parts that do not have or associate pleasure with sex or intimacy with sex. Then, we must begin to dissolve that resistance. I present a technique for doing this in my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. We must also be open to the idea that one step on the path to sexual health might be for someone to choose with their free will not to engage in sex at all. This is often true for one phase of healing from childhood sex abuse.
We must accept that sexuality is not a contradiction to spirituality or morality or good-ness. The time has come to stop trying to use spirituality to escape from or transcend the physical. Sexuality is a part of physical life. We are looking to integrate physical with non-physical, not try to escape humanity through divinity. So developing our sexuality ought to be taken as part of our path of spiritual progression.
Experimentation. Sexual healing for most people doesn’t only involve integrating the parts of them that oppose sexuality; it also involves stretching one’s limited concepts about the possibilities regarding sex and sexuality. We need to experiment in a way that feels safe to us (in alignment with our best interests). We need to research and try new things as well as put energy into discovering what sexual pleasure is for us specifically. You don’t have to necessarily try every food available on the planet. But you can never really say what your favorite kind of food on the planet is if you only ever eat one type of food.
We need to be having sex with other people from a space of love. But hold on for a minute on this idea because most people have no idea what love actually is. To most people, love automatically means that sex has to look a certain way, like it does in the Hallmark movies. To love something is to take it as a part of yourself. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Is Love? If we are taking someone as part of ourselves, we take their best interests as part of our own best interests. Using the previous analogy, this means that if the best interest of one person is to be dominated because that is what is healing for them at this time, we can dominate them during sex. But if the best interest of one person is not to be dominated, because that is detrimental for them at this time, we cannot dominate them during sex. We must be attuned enough to feel and see and hear and understand the other person’s best interests instead of project our ideas of what their best interests should be onto them.
We have to allow our sexuality (and sex along with it) to evolve and mutate over the course of our relationships and lives. Sex will be different with one person than it is with another. Sex will be different when you first meet someone than it is on your ten-year wedding anniversary. Sexuality will be different when we are 2 or 3 in our first phase of gender association than it will be when we are 17. Sexuality will be different when we are 17 than it will be when we are 60. And if we commit to healing sexuality, our sexuality will mutate to become more and more in alignment with our highest potential as well as a more genuine expression of our truest selves. Our sexuality will become more and more integrated. Healing sexuality is a flowing and flexible process and practice, not a rigid one. Sexual energy is creative energy therefore sexuality and sex is a creative process.
We have to join the movement to make sex and sexuality no longer taboo. A big part of this is to talk and communicate about it. So much of unhealthy sexuality is because sex is considered taboo. So is nudity. Our consciousness is so split about sex. But this is hurting us all emotionally, mentally and physically. Sex sells, sex is everywhere and people are sex obsessed. Sex is also a natural part of our being. At the same time, we are being told that sex is shameful and dangerous and sinful. Talk about a mixed message. It’s a total double bind. Sex and sexuality should not be taboo. Neither should our naked bodies. This taboo nature of sex leads to suppression and suppression leads unconsciousness. Unconscious sex is the real thing causing sexual damage on the planet today. You cannot suppress energy. It will build up until the energy has to go somewhere. But if that energy comes up in an unconscious way, it will lead to pain.
The fact that we don’t talk about sex and sexuality openly, and in a conscious way is the very reason why we are all so confused about it and why our sexuality often expresses itself in such damaging ways. Part of this means that as parents and educators, we need to be talking about it with our children so they can grow up embracing instead of resisting sexuality as well as making the right sexual choices for themselves specifically.
Sexuality is a part of who you are. It is a partial life and an unhealthy one if you are spending your life resisting it. When it comes to sexual health, stop looking to live up to some external idea of what perfect sexual health looks like and instead, commit to sex that is healing.
Triangulation is one of the most common forms of social manipulation tactics. It happens in work environments all the time. It is the favorite tactic that haters use for their own devices. And the reality is that we have all engaged in this tactic at some time or other in our lives, some of us chronically. Triangulation occurs when instead of communicating directly to someone that we have a conflict with so as to create resolution, we go to another third person with the subconscious or even conscious desire to get them on our side, against the person we have the conflict with. We may use them as an in-between to relay information to the person we have the conflict with. But this is not the same as using an intermediary, because the subconscious intention in triangulation is to divide. We are using one person against the other. Subconsciously, we think our only way of maintaining our self-concept of being a good person, is to get other people to validate that we are the good one in the conflict. The way to do this is to get that person to have an issue with the person we have an issue with too.
We have decided that the best way to get someone to side with us against someone is to make ourselves look like the good guy and to make the other look like the bad guy. Even if we are the one who is in fact creating the problem in the first place, we will play the victim. Even more commonly simply not see that we are the one who is being the bad guy in a scenario, but is pointing at the other to save our self-concept. The one who looks like the victim is always seen as the good guy in human society and so people have come up with several strategies for looking like the victim, even when they are not. I went into this dynamic in depth in my videos titled: Triangle From Hell (The Victim, Villain, Hero dynamic) and The Victim Control Dynamic (Escaping Control Drama in Relationships). I highly suggest you watch those videos to gain full awareness of these patterns.
Most people have no idea that they are being triangulated and there is one glaring reason why. People who are skilled at triangulation as a means of manipulation will never make it obvious that they are trying to turn someone against someone else so as to get their own needs met. Instead, they will gaslight and lie and do and say anything that makes it look otherwise so as to never have their tactic, which is often highly subconscious, be seen. And the most common camouflage that they use is: Other people’s insecurities.
We are incredibly skilled when it comes to creating transactions so as to get our own needs met. To create transactions, we have to be able to sense exactly what people’s needs are. We feel if we can meet those needs, our own needs will be met in exchange. But here is where the ground is fertile for manipulation. When we have unmet needs, it means we have insecurities. For example, if someone needs desperately to be understood, that same person has insecurity about being misunderstood. Therefore, if we are going to triangulate well, we are going to play that person’s insecurities against the person we have a conflict with at the same time as giving them the impression that we are going to meet their unmet need. This is especially easy to do when people are lonely. When this is the case, all we have to do is to give the person we are subconsciously trying to triangulate the impression that they can have closeness with us through opposing the other person. It is to find unity through a common enemy. It is to use division with someone as a way to gain closeness with someone else.
The reason that a person being triangulated will hardly ever see that they are being triangulated is because the person who is triangulating is rarely ever going to create a new problem with the person they are triangulating people against. Instead, they will camouflage their intentions by using a wound or insecurity or unmet need that they can feel already exists between that person and the person they are triangulating against. They are in essence capitalizing on a crack that already exists to make it a grand canyon. This gets the person doing the triangulating the validation in their feeling of being a victim and the validation that their claims against the one being triangulated against are credible. But the person being triangulated isn’t aware of any of that, they simply feel that this crack existed before the conflict occurred between the triangulator and the one being triangulated against. So they don’t attribute the Grand Canyon to the triangulator at all. Instead they will own the triangulator’s conflict as their own conflict with the other person. They then become a defender. The small issue that they, themselves did not directly resolve with the person, now when fueled by the triangulator, becomes a forest fire. The one doing the triangulating has successfully managed to camouflage their own agenda, like a chameleon, in such a way that the person being turned against the person the triangulator has the conflict with, mistakes the agenda for their own.
Here is an example: We have person A, B and C. Person A has a conflict with person B. So, person A goes to person C about that conflict. Person A knows that person C feels insignificant to person B. Therefore, person A begins to complain about how insignificant person B makes him or her feel and suggests that person B really should value and prioritize person C more. Person A then proceeds to give person C the impression that they value them and will prioritize them. This fuels the pain between person B and person C. Person B will then act as a carrier of that conflict between person A and person C. Person B will be convinced the true victim is person A. Person B has been manipulated into identifying with person A. Person B will then defend person A and try to resolve the conflict for person A, when what they are really doing is standing up for themselves against person C but indirectly. Person A has successfully played person B against person C. And they can continue to do this over and over until they have accrued an army and divided everyone against the person they have the conflict with.
If someone grows up in a dysfunctional family, this kind of chess game will be so much a part of the social dynamics they learned in the household that this entire behavior will be totally subconscious and will feel normal to them. Chances are, they were triangulated against a parent or siblings and chances are that other people in the family were triangulated against them. They never learned that any other way of social interaction was possible when conflict arose.
If you want a good example of triangulation, watch Season 4, episode 1 of the TV show Law and Order Criminal Intent. This episode is titled: Semi Detached. But what should you do to avoid triangulation and to make sure you are not triangulated?
Figure out what you need then meet those needs and meet them directly. The first thing to understand about triangulation is that it is a manipulation and manipulation is all about needs. There is nothing malicious about manipulation even though it can destroy lives. Manipulation only occurs when a person feels they cannot get their needs met directly and so they must get them met indirectly. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Meet your Needs!
Deal with conflict when it is tiny and directly with the person we have that conflict with. Most of us hate conflict and so when it first occurs, we feel that little bit of resistance, but we don’t address it with the person when we are at a level 2 of discomfort. Instead, we suppress and give the other person the impression that we are fine. So the situation escalates until we are at a level 10. It is much easier to deal with a conflict when it is very small and it is much less scary too. The rupture is very easily repaired at that point. The more we repair those tiny ruptures in our sense of closeness, the more secure the relationship will feel. It will not be possible for someone to use our suppressed issues with someone as a way to triangulate us against them when we have already repaired them or are in a habit of repairing them because we will feel trust towards that person. We will also feel less inclined to get people to side with us so we feel capable of facing that conflict specifically because we have backup.
If we are being 2 faced, showing one face to the person we have a conflict with and another face behind their back, it is a red flag. We will most likely begin to triangulate people around them. Many of us are passive aggressive because we are afraid of conflict and feel intimidated by whomever we have the conflict with. But if we aren’t brave enough to deal with things head on and initiate dealing with them head on, we will begin to manipulate and by doing so, become a person we don’t want to be.
Try to figure out what someone actually needs and actually wants, both in general and what they want from you when they are coming to you regarding a conflict with someone else. What is their actual intent of telling you what they are telling you? Ask the person who is triangulating directly what they want out of telling you what they are telling you. Ask if if they are just venting or if they expect you to do something. Oftentimes you will be able to feel the truth of why, even if their words sound as if their intentions are good. If they are just venting, you should still encourage them to talk directly to the source. This questioning will help the person to think about what they are actually doing. If they want to be defended and sided with against someone, they should have to say that directly. There is a very different feel to a situation when a person is really coming to us to gain insight about how to resolve a situation and when a person is coming to us to relive anxiety and feel connected through division.
It is natural that in a conflict, we want support. It isn’t wrong to get it. The harm is done in what kind of support we want and whether we manipulate to get it. When you have a problem and run to someone else for support, you, like most people, want that person to agree that you were wronged. You also want that person to show you in some way that what the other person did was wrong so you can feel settled in terms of not being the one ‘in the wrong’ and therefore avoiding shame. This feels soothing and safe because when you do this, you are creating an alliance or a partnership with the person. An alliance that also makes you feel good about yourself. Regardless of whether you intended it or not, this creates a two people against one dynamic. This is very difficult to undo and you may be responsible for ruining several relationships all so you can feel that sense of alliance.
We often fall into the trap of thinking that everyone wants resolution. The reality is that resolution of conflict is not always the actual desire or need a person has. This is especially true if what someone needs in a scenario is related to self-esteem. When a person needs an increase in self-esteem, they will usually not want resolution as much as they want to be the good guy or want to prove they are better than the other person in some way. For this, they actually must keep the other person in the bad guy role to get that need met. Resolution in this case is contrary to their actual need.
Pay special attention to when one person says things about another person that either creates or fuels a problem between you and the other person they have the conflict with. Realize that 2 parties in a conflict often have completely different stories and perceptions about the same event. So getting information through only one party is a biased perception. And getting information through a third party is totally unreliable.
We can use any situation where we are being triangulated to get closer to the person being triangulated against. When someone is triangulating us, we will begin to feel insecurities about the person they have a conflict with. In essence, we will feel our own conflict with them magnified. At this moment, we should go directly to that person and address our conflict with them, but leaving the person who is triangulating and their issue out of it completely. For example, using the previous scenario, person B should come to person C and talk about their feelings of insignificance and feeling not prioritized. And that talk should have nothing to do with person A at all. By resolving this issue directly, we can remain a neutral party in the conflict between two people who are having a conflict.
Use an objective facilitator. Often times, if a conflict is too big, the use of an outside person who can’t be used as a tool against someone is the best way to go in order to create resolution. If triangulation has been used to split a group of people, a group meeting must be held with all of the people involved and hopefully with an objective facilitator. This disallows the person doing the triangulation from continuing to be the in-between in the relationships around them. Everything can then be put on the table at one time and because everyone is there to see what everyone else says directly, the door is closed to any misinterpretation or misrepresentation. No one is hearing things through any one else. The conversation should end with agreement on specific actions and behaviors they will take to avoid triangulating in the future.
There are very rare situations in which the best option for people is to separate. But no matter how hard it is, in almost every situation, our goal should be to resolve the rift between someone and ourselves so we feel close to them. Our goal should also be to resolve the rift between someone and whomever they have a conflict with, not enhance the rift. We need to be in the habit of direct conflict resolution to accomplish this goal.
It is very easy to fall into the trap of enhancing the triangle once you appear in it. The sad reality is that once one person decides they need support against someone they are in conflict with, you are part of the triangle, whether you intentionally chose to be or not and whether you like it or not. Whenever you are dealing with a triangle and you are in any role within that triangle, the question to keep in your mind as a north star is; right here in this statement or action, am I enhancing the triangle or am I helping to unravel the triangle?
Develop empathy and compassion. The antidote to triangulation is empathy. In an initial conflict, usually both parties are victims in some way. For example, we may be the victim of someone not prioritizing us. But they might be the victim of extreme pressure which is why they aren’t prioritizing us. Empathy is not designed to negate our hurt. It is designed to make it so we can stay united and not locked into our own perception. Empathy will ensure that we do not cast ourselves or other people in any of the roles of the bad guy, the victim and the rescuer and simply deal with the conflict at hand as well as the needs that conflict is flushing to the surface. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Compassion and How to Cultivate Compassion.
Triangulation is something that we see in families, in neighborhoods, in cultures, in politics, in religions. It is part of human behavior. But it is part of human behavior that keeps you stuck and that divides us all.
Anorexia is an eating disorder that like most eating disorders is much less about food itself than it is about trying to cope with emotional pain. For this reason, it could be considered a behavioral addiction instead.
People who struggle with anorexia cope with the specific emotional pain that they suffer from by controlling their bodies, especially with regards to weight. They tend to suffer from an inaccurate perception of their own weight (body dysmorphia), as well as an intense fear of gaining weight. This then leads to behaviors such as severe restriction of food intake even to the point of starvation, misuse of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, diet aids and excessive exercise. Some people who struggle with anorexia binge and purge, similar to those who struggle with bulimia, but there are some key differences between those who struggle with anorexia and those who struggle with bulimia. For a person struggling with anorexia, all these behaviors can lead to abnormally low body weight. This behavioral addiction is not only harmful to a person’s overall health, it can be life threatening.
To understand the motive for this behavioral addiction, we need to understand the life experiences of those who suffer from anorexia. People who suffer from anorexia have deep and often suppressed trauma involving feeling out of control. When we are children, we are essentially out of control in our lives. We are at the mercy of the adults in our life. Our degree of safety is about how much we can trust them to be in control in a way that takes our best interests to heart. All too often however, we come into environments where it isn’t about our best interests at all, it is about their best interests, even to our detriment. We begin to feel as if we are simply a tool for their self-gratification.
This can occur in less severe ways such as being consistently criticized by a parent so we have to shape ourselves to the image they want us to be. And it can happen in more severe ways such as an adult sexually abusing us. All of this spells “I’m totally out of control and because I’m out of control, I can expect to be in pain.” Obviously, this is a terrifying kind of prison to be in. It gives rise to constant anxiety.
If someone is only concerned with their best interests, they don’t see or hear or feel or understand you. This means you are alone even when you are with them in a room. For this reason, anorexia is no exception when it comes to addiction. All addiction is about isolation at its root. Those who suffer from anorexia were and are emotionally isolated and that creates intense pain.
A perception that all people with anorexia tend to share is the perception that no matter how much they tried to do something, it never worked. No matter how much they tried to shape themselves to please the adult and avoid criticism, it never worked to make the criticism stop. No matter how hard they tried to manipulate the adult so as to get their needs met or stay safe, it never worked. No matter how hard they tried to be loved and approved of and belong, it never led to actually being loved or approved of or being treated as if they belong. No matter how much they tried to get the things they wanted in their life, they couldn’t make it happen. Their desires were totally at the mercy of the adult. For this reason, people with anorexia carry a core self-concept of failure and never being good enough. After all, if it seems like everyone around you is capable of making things happen in their lives such as making themselves be lovable or making themselves be approved of or getting their needs met or belonging etc. then what does it say about you? This experience of failing turns onto self hate.
In early experiences like this, there is no actual love. To love is to take something as part of yourself and as such, the other person’s best interests become part of your own. So the person with anorexia learns love as something that it isn’t. And therefore develops a subconscious negative association with love. Love is very often experienced as some form of abuse. Because this false love is taking place in such a dysfunctional way, the giving and taking of energy from one another becomes quite dangerous. To accept something for example may mean you are indebted to whomever you accepted it from. Or to give something may mean you will be rejected. The safest alternative is to not take anything and to be very careful about giving.
If you are dependent on someone who does not have your best interests at heart, the best idea is to train yourself to not need them as much as possible. If you need a specific energy, whoever dolls out that energy is in control. The only way to gain back control is to willingly starve. What is important to see is that the anorexic does not only deprive themselves of food as a form of control, but deprives themselves of many other forms of energy intake; thing like praise, enjoyment, affectionate touch, other people’s presence etc.
If anorexia progresses too far, this self hate and desire for control can and does turn towards life itself. Life is essentially relationships. Because dysfunctional relationships are the experience of those who suffer from anorexia, life itself becomes painful and pretty soon a person starts to feel towards life the same way they felt towards the people who set the stage for their life. Like life is in control of them and not in a good way, rather in a way where they can expect pain. So at a certain point, they may decide to not take in life. At this point, a person does not only shut down in terms of food or other forms of energy intake. They shut down to life itself. It becomes a subconscious death wish.
For a person with anorexia, much like a person with OCD, they feel so out of control, they gravitate towards controlling whatever they can control. And often, they find this is related to their body. This is quite ironic because so many people who are anorexic felt out of control physically as children. But this is one reason why being able to control the body somehow is so attractive. They control whether they eat, what they eat and why, how much they eat, whether their body is allowed to keep the food or whether they throw it up, whether they force a bowel movement, whether they exercise so hard that the body is forced to lose weight and anything else related to the way they want their body to look. But the emphasis tends to remain on weight. In the life of the anorexic, they often learned at some point that thinness is equated with self worth. This makes their weight a good target in terms of being able to control their self-concept and whether others value them.
For the anorexic, being in control in this way is a way of mitigating the pain of these life experiences, the feelings of being a failure, the low self worth, anxiety and feelings of being totally out of control. It is a method of coping. So what should a person do if they are struggling with anorexia?
Anorexia is a behavioral addiction. For this reason, it must be treated like an addiction. You must accept that like any addiction, it is an attempt to escape from the pain the addiction is serving to mitigate. If you want to overcome the addiction, you must be brave enough to go in the opposite direction that the addiction is taking you. Instead of going away from the pain (the wound that exists within you), you must go straight into it. And preferably with help to do so. In my opinion, the best process for doing this is: The Completion Process. You can go to thecompletionprocess.com to learn all about it as well as to find a practitioner to work with if you want one.
Find any way you can to be in control but in a conscious way. For some people, the path of progression for them specifically is to let go of control. This is not the case for someone suffering from anorexia. A person suffering from anorexia must see that they are capable of taking control of things in ways that lead to positive feeling states. The behavioral addiction of anorexia is actually an attempt at this. Here is a small list of just some ideas of what I mean.
Consciously visualize things for 5 minutes a day and seeing how they show up in your reality. Design a day your way. To do this, decide to do only what would make you feel really good to do and plan it and then execute it so that you have taken control of what happens in your day. When something happens that doesn’t feel good, like something spills, clean it up and while you are doing that, consciously remind yourself that you are taking control of the spill and now that there is no spill anymore, feel how good it feels that you could control that and turn it into a situation that felt better. Create something, like art, where you are in control of the finished product.
There are SO many ways you could consciously learn to be in control and see that you can be. Make sure to start with little, achievable goals and things. The more achievable and controllable a goal is, the better this will work. Completing the goal you can set and meet and controlling the things you can control are obviously going to help your body somatically learn to move away from the story that you are out of control and a failure because of it.
Get people in your life who can and do take your best interests as part of their best interests. Separate from those who can’t and don’t do this. This will get easier and easier with the more conscious awareness you place on these deep wounds that created the addiction in the first place. Addiction is about aloneness. We feel alone when we are not seen, heard, felt and understood. If someone is only concerned with their best interests, they don’t see or hear or feel or understand you. This means you are alone even when you are with them. You really need closeness with people. You need to experience the opposite of the relationships that created this perception that you are out of control in a negative way. Your ultimate goal needs to be to collect people with whom to have long term, intimate relationships where you are safe because you can think the thought with them, “I’m out of control with this person… and so I feel safe.” In these relationships, you can viscerally learn that it is safe to receive from other people and that is safe to give.
Bring Love to Your Self-Hate. Self-hate is a coping mechanism that comes along with anorexia. At first glance it may be hard to see how self-hate could possibly be a coping mechanism. After all, self-hate can’t possibly decrease a person’s distress can it? The answer is yes it can. To understand this coping mechanism in depth and to find out how to heal it, watch my video titled: Self Hate (The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism).
Discover your narrative and demolish it. Every person who is struggling with anorexia is struggling with a narrative… A story of yourself or alternate reality that is completely false and is doing damage to your life. You have a false ‘story of me’. This story of me contains two sides. Not only false negative things but also false positive things. For example, a story of oneself as hideous, bad, disgusting, dark, worthless at the same time as a story about oneself having ethereal powers, being endlessly self sacrificing, coming from royal blood, or any number of other things that serve to negate the negative self story. It is a polarized view of self. This comes from parts within that adopted a negative self-image from one’s childhood and parts that were designed to compensate for or cope with those parts.
Often the disorder itself is woven into these false positive stories and as a result, we have to shoot holes in our positive self-story in order to overcome it. For example, my thinness and not eating is attributed to the fact that I am a super spiritual being with such a high consciousness that food weighs me down to the physical. To overcome anorexia, you must philosophically dissolve away your false story of self. Part of these narratives are also stories about the world. These need to be demolished as well. For example, we tend to tell ourselves that no one likes fat people. But what if that weren’t true? What if men for example were more attracted to the 1950’s body where women have curves and cellulite? What if entire dating sites exist of only people who are looking for chubby and fat people to date, people who think skinny is gross?
Dedicate yourself to Authenticity. You learned there were consequences for being yourself. And there were when you came into environments with people who were incompatible to you or who were only concerned with their own needs and desires. But the more authentic you can be, the happier you will feel in life. The less you will feel like you are uncomfortable in your own skin, living your life in the attempt to gain approval and avoid conflict. You will stop being controlled by perfectionism, which is really an attempt to manipulate in order to get your needs met. People will be attracted to the real you and as a result, you will feel what it is to be truly valued for what is intrinsic about you. You will stop this pattern of rejecting your own needs and consistently attracting people into your life who reject your needs. Also, you will stop feeling disconnected from your role in life… Where you truly fit in. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
Heal your relationship with Your Body. You behave towards your own body, like the adults in your childhood behave towards you. You are in control of it without having its best interests at heart… only your own. This means you are disconnected from and abusive towards it. To undo this, do integration work with your body specifically. You can treat your body (or even specific parts of your body) as if it is one separate part. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Close your eyes and feel what emotion or feeling you get when your body feels the way you want it to feel? If I am brutally honest, what does self-starvation give me that nothing else does? What does it feel like when it is clean on the inside or skinny or when you are in complete disciplined control of what goes into it when others are putting things in their body that cause them to get fat? What emotion or feeling is it that this gives you that you cannot seem to feel in your life without it? Perhaps it is the feeling of gratification of revenge or punishment of someone else? Perhaps it is the feeling of being light and slippery and able to get away from anyone fast. Perhaps it is the feeling of relief of being in control. Identify the sensation. Brainstorm other, healthier ways that you could get that feeling in your life. Involve other people in this brainstorming as well.
Focus on safety. Some people need to get out of their comfort zones. You need to develop comfort zones first. This means, become familiar with the feeling of safety. Consciously do things that make you feel safe. If you struggle with anorexia, you feel like you have to fend for yourself and as such you feel unsafe and unprotected. This means in every situation where you begin to feel unsafe or anxious, instead of tuning it out, use that feeling of un-safety as an alarm bell. When it goes off, ask yourself, what could I do to make this situation feel safer? And then take action on the answer you receive. It isn’t always dramatic things like leaving the situation that are necessary to do. For example, in a social situation perhaps putting on a puffy coat would make you feel safer. Write up a safety list. Put everything that makes you feel safe on that list. Things like warm water, listening to soothing sounds, being held, the smell of bread etc. Make this list as long as possible. When you feel unsafe, go to that list and pick something off of it and go do that thing.
Give loving presence to and understand your worry. People with anorexia are struggling with anxiety and worry. This is because they feel out of control in a world where people and even the universe cannot be trusted to be in control in ways that will benefit them. To understand your worry in depth as well as what to do about it, watch my videos titled: How To Stop Worrying (Ask Teal Episode On Worry) and How To Stop Expecting The Worst (Catastophizing).
Develop a positive relationship with food. Since negative food relationship is a part of anorexia, it is critical to change your relationship to food. It is ok to be controlling with food, so long as you ACTUALLY are in touch with your body’s signals, needs, desires and best interests. Just be ware that just like the adults in your early life thought things were in your best interests that actually weren’t in your best interests at all, you run the very real risk of thinking things are in the best interests of your body that actually are not in your body’s best interests at all. For more information about how to do this, watch my video titled: How To Improve Your Relationship With Food.
If exercise is part of your anorexia, the same should be done with exercise. Exercise with the best interests of your body in mind and heart, even if that means much less exercise or totally different forms of exercise. What would it be like to exercise with the idea of helping your body to feel healthier and stronger instead of for it to lose weight? So often we can do things against our body instead of for our body, but we lie to ourselves by telling ourselves we are doing it for our body. This is self gas lighting. Any time we do something against our body, it will backfire eventually.
As with most things, I could write an entire book on the process of healing from anorexia. But here I have listed the most important aspects of healing. If you commit yourself to these steps and this process, you will experience this healing. Believe it or not, it is possible for you to have relationships where people take your best interests as part of their best interests and therefore to feel safe in your relationships. It is possible for it to be safe for you to take in energy from life and for there to be no consequences for doing so. It is possible that the person that you really are is not only a success, but is also more than good enough. It is possible for you to control the conscious creation of a life that feels good. In fact, you came here to do exactly that.