Relationships are life. If you look at life, all life really is, is a collection of relationships. You have a relationship with your self, you have a relationship with things in the world and you have a relationship with other people. Obviously for us to feel safe in the world, we have to feel free from harm in our relationships. But most people are confused about exactly how to create a safe relationship.
The definition of an unsafe relationship is a relationship with someone who cannot take you as part of themselves and therefore cannot take your best interests as part of their interests. This is a state of disconnection. It is a state of disconnection and perceived separateness where they cannot see you, feel you, hear you and understand you to even know what your best interests really are. It is essentially a lack of attunement and a lack of love. Most people think that love is to feel intensely positive towards something or someone. This is not the case. That is the byproduct of love. To love something is to take it as a part of yourself. This usually leads to positive, expansive feelings towards that thing or that person. If you take something as a part of you, you do not perceive yourself to be separate from that thing and so you can perceive it fully.
Attunement is being or bringing into harmony. It is a feeling of being “at one” with something. The best way to imagine attunement is to imagine sitting in your car and reaching out for the radio dial. If you want to hear the music being played at a specific frequency, like 98.2 FM, you need to tune your radio dial to 98.2 FM. And then you will hear the music. Your own radio dial needs to be brought into harmony with or become one with the radio channel you want to receive in order to perceive that radio channel. You need to tune into them as if you are them so as to be able to feel or imagine the other person’s emotional experience and to understand what they are feeling. This is what allows you to know what to do in any given situation to end conflict or improve a situation or to assist someone.
Attunement is what gives rise naturally to compassion and empathy. To understand these concepts in depth, I suggest that you watch my videos titled: What Is Love, Attunement (The Key To a Good Relationship) and (Compassion And How to Cultivate Compassion). This state of taking something as part of yourself (so as to perceive the felt experience of that other thing or person) is the foundation of a safe relationship. One of the problems that we have today is that we try to love people from our own separate perspective about what the person needs and wants. We try to love them in a way they do not actually receive love. So we have to try to understand them instead. If you want a super short cut for creating a safe relationship, watch my video titled: Stop Trying To Love Them and Start Trying to Understand Them.
What makes a relationship safe is our capacity to own a person as a part of ourselves to the degree that we cannot put up with or make them put up with being in pain. If we perceive ourselves to be separate enough that our best interests can be separate from someone else’s best interests, a relationship becomes very, very dangerous because we can put someone in pain as a means of controlling them and of getting what we want. We can play zero sum games in our relationships. We can keep someone in pain and expect them to stay with us anyway. It is a recipe for abuse.
Most people have a negative association with the idea of owning someone. To possess something is to have that thing in that it belongs to you. This is actually the positive side of possession. It is an inclusion-based concept. To love something is to take it as part of yourself. This means it automatically belongs with and to you and so you have it. To truly own something is to see it as part of yourself. If you see something as part of yourself, it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself. So much damage has been done by us throwing out the concept of ownership in our relationships with one another. When we do not own other people as part of ourselves, we feel no responsibility to them. Ownership is a critical part of creating safety in a relationship. To understand this fully, watch my video titled: Own People (How to Take Ownership of Your Relationships With People.
Nothing makes us feel more unsafe than abandonment. Being left or losing our relationships is just as big a fear (if not a bigger fear) than being trapped in a painful relationship. This is also where taking someone as part of yourself is critical. To trust is to be able to rely on someone to capitalize on your best interests, essentially to take your best interests as part of your best interests. 100% of relationships end if trust is lost in the relationship. This is actual statistical fact. So, if we cannot take someone’s best interests as part of our own best interests, it is a guarantee we will become unsafe in terms of losing the relationship itself. To understand more about trust, watch my video titled: Trust (What is Trust and How to Build Trust in Relationships).
Relationships are inherently out of control. We cannot control another person. We cannot control what they think, say, do or choose. This is why relationships are so scary and so risky. Obviously because so many of us come from past pain and trauma in relationships, relationships in general don’t feel safe. But there is a difference between trying to overcome past trauma that makes you feel unsafe in relationships so as to feel safe in a current relationship that actually IS safe; and trying to feel safe in a relationship that is not safe in and of itself. Obviously we need to use our discernment and even invite others to help us to discern whether we are feeling unsafe because of the past when the relationship or person is actually safe and when we are feeling unsafe because the relationship or person isn’t actually safe.
Most of us will experience pain in even the best relationships. What makes a relationship safe isn’t the guarantee that we will never experience pain. The only pain we should ever align with in a relationship is pain that ultimately enhances our wellbeing or theirs (or both) instead of diminishes it. It must be known however that it takes a serious level of awareness to be able to discern for someone else what pain is actually good for someone because it can be such a good smokescreen for abuse in relationships or even for our own failings in relationships to cover over the pain we are causing someone by telling ourselves that it is good for them in some way. It is the response we have to pain that occurs in a relationship… The quickness with which we create repair… The genuine commitment to prevent harm and to not perpetuate harm to the person who we love and therefore take as part of ourselves, that makes a relationship safe. To understand this fully, watch my video titled: Take Them As Part Of You (The Golden Key To A Good Relationship).
The way to know if you are in a good relationship, one where the other person is taking you as part of themselves, is to be able to say “I am out of control with this person, and so I feel… SAFE”. When we are in a bad relationship, we cannot say this. Our truth will be “I’m out of control with this person, and so I feel… UNSAFE. And there is nothing worse than this feeling, especially if we feel that with a partner.
Balance is accepted as a sacred principal nearly universally amongst humans. It is regarded as even more sacred in spiritual traditions. It is natural that when we are focusing on our physical reality, which is inherently full of polarities, it is natural to assume that balance is a key to wellbeing. This physical reality was designed to be a contrasting environment for the sake of expansion. Essentially, we would know what we wanted by virtue of knowing what we do not want. We would know black by knowing white and vice versa. But I am going to tell you today that it is time to take balance off of the pedestal of sacred principals to live your life by. Balance is the very thing that is preventing the expansion of the universe and your own consciousness along with it.
Balance is defined as a condition in which different elements are equal or in the correct proportions. It is also defined as to offset or compare the value of one thing with another. We are in a time and place where the consciousness of source itself has turned the corner away from separation and back towards oneness. Polarity is an example of separation. Balance is in fact something that upholds separation. It seeks to create equilibrium between two different things instead of seeking to combine them. Where consciousness is headed is integration. In integration, polarities come together to form a third thing entirely, the sum of both.
And consciousness is the progression of the collective consciousness. And consciousness is our capacity to expand wide enough to contain the maximum of opposites. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: And Consciousness (The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way).
Human kind does not understand that a third entity exists as a result of integration and that this third entity is really the wellbeing we have been searching for. So it thinks balance is the way to achieve wellbeing. Within mankind’s consciousness, balance is something that is achieved by a process of addition and subtraction. This was the origin of the middle way. If you pull a string on an instrument too tight, it will snap. If you leave it too loose, it won’t play. The idea is to achieve balance through making it less tight or tighter to achieve equilibrium. This is also the idea behind the completely limited concept of balancing work and play by either working more or working less depending on what is needed to achieve equal parts of work and play. There is no such thing as a work-life balance. What about integrating your work and play, then there is no need to try to control two seemingly opposing things.
If you live your life according to the principal of balance, you will end up exhausted. You will also never be able to fully actualize yourself because you will be trying to limit aspects of yourself while trying to accentuate others instead of becoming the full expression of both and finding a way for the full expression of both to harmonize.
Balance also has to do with measuring the value of one thing next to the value of another. The value of one thing can never be measured next to the value of another. This is again a human concept and it is not based on reality, it is based on judgment. Just because someone decided that x amount of oil is of equal value to x amount of money does not mean it is objectively true.
I will give you an example of why balance needs to be thrown out the window for the concept of integration. Let’s imagine that you have two parts within you. You have a part that wants to do only what it wants to do. And you have a part that to the opposite wants to do what it thinks has to be done. These two parts within you will be like two rival siblings, constantly trying to pull you over to their side and to their argument. You will feel ripped in half. If you follow the principal of balance, you will try to use your controlling efforts to probably do what has to be done so that you can then do what you want to do. Seems balanced, but it is a recipe for unhappiness and exhaustion where you will be fighting against one of them or the other of them. You’re essentially just giving each of them a little time to be in control.
Imagine instead that you really spent time getting to know these different parts. You discovered that the one that wants to do whatever it wants to do is so tired of not being able to live according to inspiration or the way it truly feels and what it really wants that it is ready to destroy your life to get out from under being prevented every day. To the other side, you discover that the part that wants to do what has to be done is terrified of the consequences of following its true desires and thinks it has to follow the beaten path of what should be done in order to avoid those consequences.
It may become obvious then that actually both parts want to do what they want to do and even want to do the same thing, but one thinks it is the road to ruin and the other thinks it is the road to heaven. The key then is not to do some of what has to be done and some of what they want to do. They key is to figure out how to do what they want to do in a way where they either minimize the risks of consequences associated with doing that. Or they become genuinely ok with taking the risks, which entails changing the perspective belonging to the part within you that feels it must do what has to be done to avoid consequences.
If you create integration (full alignment between these opposites) in this way, you are looking at an entirely different life. You are looking at a life that you really are excited to get up for; not a life where you can get through what has to be done so you can finally do what you really want to do. The people who are the happiest in their life created integration between their true desires and what has to be done instead of trying to balance out one with the other.
Since integration is the call of the day from source consciousness, the idea of balance is being thrown out the window and the idea of trying to eradicate one to become all of the other is being thrown out the window. Nowhere is this more obvious than with the split between good and evil as well as shadow and light. For thousands of years, spiritual practice has been about good triumphing over evil and about light triumphing over shadow. The alternative has been trying to embrace the concept of shadow and light or good and evil as an unchangeable principal of the universe. Both are failing principals. Since love is the basic truth of the universe itself, and love is to take something as part of oneself, to step into truth (which is love) means that good must take evil as part of itself and vice versa. Light and shadow must mix to become a third element entirely. What we see when we take something we judge as evil or wrong as part of ourselves, is not that we become more of that thing; we become the exaltation of that thing.
For example, we can call it evil to feed on someone else’s energy. But if we embrace the ability to feed on someone’s energy with love, it will take on the form of feeding on energies that do not benefit the person to have within them. This is the case because in a state of love, where you take someone as part of yourself and vice versa, you cannot harm them without harming yourself. So it becomes a win win, instead of a win lose. It is the rejection of certain aspects that causes them to take on such a detrimental expression. It is the rejection of certain aspects that makes us slip into the illusion that they are not part of us and disconnect from them to the degree that we think it is possible to harm them without harming our self. To understand more about this concept in depth, watch my video titled: The Secret To Overcoming Your Problems.
Both polarities hold something we desperately need. It is only in the integration of those polarities that we can actualize that thing which we need and that which we ultimately truly are. Beings from both polarizations (such as angels and demons) are beginning to come on board with integration and ending the war inherent in their polarity. Both are sick of separation, including the quest to win and/or the quest to maintain balance.
Long story short, the time has come to re-think balance. The time has come to see that it is something that is currently preventing our awakening instead of enhancing it.
It is not a secret that relationships with other people are the most difficult aspect of life. But there is something that makes relationships not just difficult but impossible… It is when we are not in reality in our relationships, which happens more often than you think.
I want you to imagine that a person is in a prison cell. There is no way of getting out of that prison cell. They cannot cope with the reality of the prison cell and so they begin to escape from it with their mind. They start to play a game of pretend where the prison is a palace instead. The person who brings food to the cell every day is a servant. The walls are not the stone of a prison; they are the stone of a medieval castle. The bars are pillars. The mind has the capacity to play pretend to such a degree that every element of reality can be seen as a different element in our game of pretend. But this game is not really a game because your mental and emotional survival depends on it. This pretend reality sits over actual reality like an overlay.
Most of us have experienced this overlay when we were children. We played pretend. For example, it was easy for us to see our family golden retriever as the dragon if we were pretending that we were a knight in shining white armor. But for some of us, this overlay went far beyond pretend. We could not cope with the reality of our childhood. So the coping mechanism of pretend became a way to literally get away from and escape our reality. When this is the case, we lose touch with reality and we start to feel the overlay is more real than the reality we don’t want to admit to underneath it. Even when it seemed like we were not pretending and were in reality to other people, we were still experiencing life through the lens of our overlay.
It is common for children to use this coping technique because childhood is such a uniquely powerless experience for so many children. They cannot escape. They cannot make choices to change their reality and so they often end up developing coping mechanisms (like overlays) so as to not be stuck in a tormenting reality where they have no control. But this coping mechanism continues past childhood. It extends past when we actually do have the capacity to change our reality. When this is the case, this coping mechanism gets us into serious trouble.
An overlay is a very dangerous thing because it makes it so we do not even see reality in the first place. We could be headed towards a cliff but because we are not looking at reality, we are looking at our overlay; we are convinced it is a beautiful horizon line. Overlays make it so we commit to something that isn’t real, especially in relationships. And eventually, when that overlay begins to corrode, we end up in a reality that is the opposite of what we would choose.
Many of us are lonely. The reality of our relationship life is very painful. We are desperate to have the vision we see in our heads of what we want. Maybe it’s that picture of the perfect family, which would make us feel belonging and closeness and connection. Our commitment is to that picture of what we want. There is nothing wrong with creating that as long as we are creating it in reality. The danger is that this picture of what we want can become an overlay. It can be what prevents us from seeing reality. When this is the case, when we meet someone, we ignore all the red flags that are telling us that in reality this person does not match the vision of what we want. Instead, we become like casting directors where what we want is actually a game of pretend we are playing on the stage of life. We are simply trying to pick the person who acts the most like they could play the character in our vision of our life that we want. Any sign that we get that suggests that they could play that character well makes us convinced that they are actually that character in reality. But the truth is, they are not. We are not in love with the actual person. We are in love with the character we want them to play in our life. When they act in character, we approve of them. When they break from character, we disapprove of them and try to criticize them back into character. One of the best examples of this I have seen of this overlay vs. reality relationship in action is the relationship between the student Betty Warren and her new husband in the movie Mona Lisa Smile.
We are so desperate to have relationships that we also mislead others into believing that we actually are the character belonging to someone else’s vision of what they want. We are like chameleons and actors trying to become those characters so we can be loved and wanted. But this is a disaster in the end because it is impossible to play a game of pretend or to keep acting forever. We will break character. And this makes it so the person who is cast in the role belonging to our vision feels totally unloved for who they are and the person doing the casting feels either disappointed or duped. The overlay usually begins to corrode when the limerance phase of relationship wears off. Suddenly, something one person or the other does to break from character causes us to catch a glimpse of reality. It scares the crap out of us. And slowly, like filmstrip being burnt, we see that what we thought the relationship was is not what the relationship was. Suddenly all the red flags you ignored in the beginning make perfect sense and you wish you would have actually put stock in them. Slowly, you cannot deny that the reality of the person you have committed to looks absolutely nothing like the vision you had for what you wanted. It is not a match at all to the overlay. And eventually, you fall through the holes in the overlay into a very harsh reality, sometimes a worse reality than you even started with; a reality of loneliness and unhappiness.
When we do not see people clearly in reality for what they actually are, and when we do not enter into relationships in a completely authentic way, we are not creating a relationship in reality. We are actually creating an overlay. Many people’s relationships primarily take place as an overlay. To scare you, this is the adult equivalent of two four year olds playing house, but being totally convinced that reality is putting the baby to bed and shopping for groceries and living in the play house.
If you are the kind of person who has an intense vision for what you want and are so desperate to get it that you ‘cast characters’ as actors in that vision whose actual real personalities and authentic truths do not match the characters themselves, the unfortunate reality is that you will be a match to people who do the same thing and will therefore ‘cast you’ as a character in their vision who is nothing like the real you. You will also be a match to people who pretend the reality of them is the same as the character you want them to play in your vision, when the truth of them is quite the opposite. You will end up in relationships where genuine incompatibility exists. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality In Relationships). You will also end up in relationships based mostly on potential. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Priceless Relationship Advice.
People are really confused about love and sex addiction. To be honest, most people, even experts, have no idea what actually creates it and what it is really about. This is because love addiction and sex addiction are really an addiction to overlay. Like any addiction, it is a coping strategy to get out of the insane pain of starvation relative to emotional needs. It is a desperate way to get out of isolation. When the reality of someone’s life was this desperate absence of what they emotionally needed, and there was no way to get it, the only option was to create a fantasy (an overlay) and project it over reality. Love and sex addicts attach to people immediately because they see people only through the lens of their overlay; Only as the characters in their own vision, which they are so desperate for and already know so well. So love addiction and sex addiction is just at the extreme end of the scale of what so many of us do in life and in relationships. We convince ourselves that an overlay we have created is reality, when it is not.
If we want to create the life we want to be living, we have got to hold two often contradictory perspectives simultaneously. The first is reality; what is. The second is the vision we have for what we want. Chances are, you already know what you want. Chances are if you tend to fall into this pattern, you are so desperate to get it that you are the kind of person who (like a person dying of thirst) will ignore the warning signs and drink poisoned water. So staying out of this pattern is so much about learning to see reality, even when it breaks your heart to do it and even when it feels like you have to say no to water when you are dying of thirst.
To get into reality, we have to try to see all of a situation and all of who someone is, both good and bad. We have a tendency when we are engaged in an overlay to sweep anything that contradicts our vision under the rug. We allow ourselves to be spun by someone’s words as well instead of the way they feel energetically and the way they act. So here are some ways to get into reality about a situation or someone:
Put the situation or the person on mute. You can do this as a visualization where you go back in your mind and watch the situation or the person. Or you can close off your hearing somehow while you are actually watching them. What is the truth being conveyed by their actions and body language and energy? Their words may say one thing, while the rest of them say the opposite. Actions and energy never lie. A person may say they are there with you and for you for example, but they are entirely focused on their computer or projects. If the situation is on mute, and you were watching it as am impartial observer, not knowing anything about this situation or person, what would you say the truth is?
When you perceive a red flag, something that is a warning that the situation or person may not fit in with that vision of what you want for yourself and your life, notice the feeling of fear you have and potential disappointment and desperation. Instead of going into denial about it, or talking yourself out of that feeling, seriously consider it may be a bad sign you need to listen to. For example, one of my clients was at a dinner with a man who she had fallen in love with. At the dinner, he told her about the affairs he had engaged in that year before he decided to get a divorce. He went on to explain why those affairs were so important and to explain how alone he was in his marriage with his wife. Because he told the story in a way that made him the victim and thus justified the affairs, she ignored the red flag feeling she got. Later of course, and after they were married, he cheated on her and she found out that he told the same story to those women and even lied that he was not married when he engaged in those affairs. Commit to asking yourself, “What if this really were a red flag? What is the worst that this red flag could be warning me about or what reality would it be pointing to if it were actually a red flag?”
Try to observe someone when they are not aware that someone is watching. When people know someone is watching, they tend to become who they know other people want them to be. By observing them when they are totally unaware they are being watched is to see them off guard and in their natural state.
Notice patterns. If we have asked someone in our life to change something, especially something that hurts us, and they consistently don’t change it or say they will, but never take the initiative themselves to dedicate themselves to changing it, the reality is that they either can’t or don’t want to change that thing. They are not a match to our vision at all. What we are seeing is what we are going to get. This is the reality of them. We need to accept and take action accordingly rather than to get caught in a cycle of constantly trying to fix them into being a match to our overlay.
Let go immediately of the idea that someone can ‘heal’ into being what we want them to be. So many of us see reality through the lens of what someone can be if we rescue them or rehabilitate them. This vision of what their healed self looks like is still OUR overlay. It’s what we want. It may not be a match to what they want. You can be sure that if what they want is the same as our vision, you will see consistent efforts without any influence on your end to reach that state because it is their vision, not your vision for them. It is a good idea to ask yourself, If I was committing to this situation or this person EXACTLY as it is today, knowing it would not ever change, could I do that?
Trust your feelings. Intuition and feelings are powerful representatives of your personal truth. This is the epitome of trust your gut. Imagine that someone inserted a rod down through the top of your head, all the way through the center of your body, just along the front side of your spine. You could see this rod as your core. Your personal truth will show up as sensations, feelings, intuitions and messages that arise closest to that rod. When you are not sure about reality or truth, sit down, close your eyes and be unconditionally present with whatever is occurring close to that rod. After a time, you can ask it questions relative to the situation or person in question and see how it responds. Even when we commit to maintaining an open mind, we have to do so with a firm grasp on our personal truth and we must trust the feelings and intuition that come as messengers of that personal truth.
Don’t simply look at how someone treats you. Look at how they treat others, especially their enemies and opponents and also children and animals. When we are in a place of favor in someone’s life, when we are in love especially, we tend to not see the person clearly whose favor we are in. We believe we are the exception. We need to get that favor can be easily lost and their behavior will change once they are less enamored with us. We can bet on the fact that we will be dealt with the same way we have seen them deal with ‘other people’. For example, I counseled a woman whose husband was a top executive. She watched him for years belittle other people and set them up in lose lose situations to his advantage and play brutal zero sum games all in the name of business strategy. She told herself she was safe with him because it was surely different because she was his wife. But when their relationship fell apart, she had to accept the very harsh reality that every move he had made financially in their marriage was to put himself at an advantage and to put her at a disadvantage in the event of a divorce. He had been playing a chess game to keep his own best interests secure in case they split up. And soon, she found herself losing everything she had thought they had built together. As if there never was a marriage, the second the relationship fell apart, it was as if there was never a marriage. He switched into treating her with the same cold, calculating zero sum game approach as a business rival. How people treat ‘other people’ as well as children and other living things, like animals, is everything.
We all have blind spots and biases. We have to become aware of our own. Due to our own experiences, we all have aspects we can’t see about others and we all have biases that cause us to project onto other people. This also prevents us from seeing them clearly. To understand more about projection, watch my video titled: Projection (understanding the Psychology of Projection). For example, if we grew up with a narcissistic father, we may not even recognize a narcissistic man for what he is. We are used to this kind of relationship. We will have a blind spot to the danger involved with this personality type. Or we may be attracted to the lone wolf because we resonate with their aloneness, but miss that there is a really good reason that person is alone. Or we may have grown up with a suicidal mother who was super emotional. If we end up in a relationship with an emotional woman, we may project our mother onto her and project that she will hurt us in the same way mom did, when this isn’t actually true. We can’t see who she really is past the lens of our mother. When we have these blind spots, it is a good idea to involve other people’s perspectives as well as to develop awareness is the areas where our blind spots and projections exist.
Take time to get to know someone. Treat the process of developing a relationship or getting into a situation like a touch and go scenario. Test the water. When you do this you get information. Based on that information, you decide to go a little deeper or not. Based on having gone a little deeper, you get a little more information and that tells you whether to go a little deeper or not. This is really hard to do when we are desperate for something. It’s like asking a starving person to sample a rice grain and then another rice grain and then another, instead of eating the whole bowl. And it is almost torture to think of putting energy into something or someone only to have to pull out and start all over again. But believe me, it is still better to do that than it is to eat a whole bowl of poisoned rice and to suffer the consequences of getting out of a situation after you have gotten into it. Make sure that before you commit to a partnership or commit to fully trusting someone, you have seen them in their good times and in their bad times. Make sure you have seen that they will consistently take your best interests as part of their own best interests. Make sure that you really see, hear, feel and understand the reality of who they are right here and now, if nothing were to positively change about them.
Sometimes we have to take risks in life. Sometimes, we have to move forward with our fear. Other times, moving forward despite our fear means that we are ignoring reality. It is in our best interests to spend time discerning the difference. If all we see is our overlay, we never see reality and if we never see reality, we can never actually change it into the vision we want for ourselves and for our life. All we can hope for is a game of pretend projected over the reality of our life. All we can hope for is game of pretend where we never really see, feel, hear and touch other people and they never really see, feel, hear and touch us because we are only ever playing characters in each other’s overlay.
You hear the word ‘presence’ flying around the spiritual, self-help and psychology communities all the time. But what does it mean exactly? To answer that question, I want you to imagine that what we call Source or God is actually nothing more than sentient energy or aware essence. It is pure collective consciousness. And this sentient essence has the capacity to both create with the energy that comprises itself as well as to perceive itself. You are essentially its creation. But you have been created from its energy because there is nothing that is NOT it. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Oneness is Not The Ultimate Truth of This Universe.
This sentient essence not only created the physical dimension that you live in. It also created you within the world. You are part of it. You are simply part of it projected into the physical dimension. But your consciousness is an aspect of God or Source’s consciousness. Any time we focus on something, we are focusing that sentient essence on that and into that thing. That sentient essence is in and of itself healing. When we are present with something it means that we focus that sentient essence with all of our attention and focus onto that thing without any intention to change it… just to be with it completely. The healing power of presence cannot be underestimated. It creates an alchemical process in the thing that you are being present with. This is why masters of this time space reality often do not need to say a word in order to teach or change lives. Just by being near them, you become transformed and more of who you really are.
In previous videos and seminars, I introduced you to the idea of being present with emotions. To learn more about this, watch my video titled: How To Heal The Emotional Body. I have also introduced you to the idea of somatic experiencing. As a sentient being, all kinds of things are happening with you emotionally and physically and mentally at any given time. You experience the world through sensations. For example, if you hit your leg on a table, you feel different sensations in your leg. If someone breaks up with you, you experience that grief as different sensations in your whole body. These different sensations are somatic experiences. They happen relative the body and or being. Emotions are felt as sensations. Thoughts can come as sensations. Auditory aspects can come as sensations. Visual components can come as sensations. And one of the most powerful things you can possibly do in your life is to stop whatever you are doing and to be completely, unconditionally present with those sensations and with that somatic experience without trying to change anything about it.
Usually when we focus all of our awareness on a somatic experience or a sensation in our bodies or in our energy field, it feels as if we are taking the energy in our head area (which we call our mind) and we are directing it down and out to whatever we are focused on. What we usually miss is that we can focus our sentient essence (and with it our awareness) on our mind itself and on the brain that acts as a kind of computer translating between our physical embodiment and our non-physical essence. What we usually also miss is that our mind itself can also be perceived by us in terms of a sensory experience. By perceiving it in this way, we have the capacity to heal our own mind.
To do this process,
#1. Close your eyes and take your attention to your head area. Imagine that your capacity to think as well as the thoughts you think resided in that area. Just be very still observing and being totally with and immersed in this part of yourself.
#2. Care about what is taking place in this part of yourself by seeing it and knowing it is valid and important. No matter how this part of you presents itself, there is a very valid reason why.
#3. Allow yourself to drop into an internal journey. Perceive what is occurring in this place of your mind empathetically and with open curiosity. Do not seek to change anything about it. Study it. Seek to allow it completely. Become aware of any experience that comes with doing this. What do you notice? What image comes to you? Do you notice any textures or colors or movements? What sensations occur? Do you notice any thoughts arising? Do you notice any sounds or smells or tastes? Can you see which ones want to stay around a while and which ones come and float away? Does any awareness or insight come to you as a result of being completely present with this part of yourself?
#4. This step is the hardest. Allow yourself to just be there with it as if you are shining your focused essence upon it with no motive whatsoever and no attempt to change it. You can do this process for anywhere between 11 minutes and days, like people do in vipassana meditation. Witness what changes naturally take place in the experience of your mind just by being totally, unconditionally present with it. Does anything shift? Does it intensify? Does it diminish or go away? Or does it completely change? Remember to keep breathing. Experience your mind as fully as you can. Then, if you like, you can stop the practice here.
I like to have people practice the art of being totally present for somatic experiencing without changing anything for a good deal of time until they can master the art of non resistance to whatever arises and whatever is. Our capacity to be present, especially with intense sensory experiences, is like a muscle that must be trained. We have a weak capacity for presence to begin with so we try to change something instead of being with it when it overwhelms us.
Once you are sure you can be unconditionally present and focus your sentient essence completely without resisting or needing it to change, you can go one step further. You can deliberately offer healing to your mind.
To heal something is quite simple. It is to experience the opposite. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What is Healing. Once you have fully experienced your own mind, you are guaranteed to know more about it and to know what it needs. Just watching the shifts that take place within it when exposed to your focused presence will tell you a lot about what improvement or healing actually is for it. With that information, you can offer new thoughts, new feeling signatures or feeling flavors, new sounds, new smells, new tastes, new visuals and new sensations to it. To understand more about feeling signatures watch my video titled: How To Feel Better (Feeling Signatures). This is not about ‘fixing’ anything. This is about offering it something from a space of love because taking it as part of ourselves, we want it to have what it needs and wants.
Here is an example of one such experience someone I put through this process had with his mind:
He closed his eyes and as if going on an internal shamanic journey. He took his attention to his mind. The first thing he perceived is a tingling and tightening sensation there. He sat with that feeling for two minutes just letting the tingling and tightening be there. Then he realized that the sensation that was occurring in his mind was numbness and that there was no movement. He saw an image of a deer hit by a car on the side of the road. Intuitively he knew that this image was his being communicating to him about the state his mind was in: Shock. He suddenly watched a thought come into his mind that he must be in shock because someone in his business had turned against him earlier that week who he never thought could be capable of such a thing and he must be frozen in that shock because he still can’t understand why. That thought was very sticky. It stayed around, dominating the experience for a while and then it began to fade.
The numbness seemed to be controlling the inside of his mind near his brain and also radiating about a foot out around his head. It also went down the right side of his neck and face. He saw an image of his brain and could sense that there was not much activity in the channels in his brain. His brain seemed to be in freeze as well. He was totally present with the sensation of the control of that numbness. The numbness felt empty and cold. It looked light blue and felt like stale air with no movement to it. He sat with this numbness of his mind for ten minutes before holes began to form in the numbness. He said it felt like filmstrip being burnt. He felt like his focused essence dropped through the holes in the numbness as it was dissolving entirely and he felt like he was in blackness. The blackness was also not moving. To him, it felt like futility. To him futility felt like the knowing that there is no movement and there never will be. It’s endedness. It was very hard for him to be present with that sensation and experience because it felt futile to be with futility. He heard a voice inside his mind saying, “there is no point”. The voice kept repeating. He did not argue with the voice. He just listened to it with compassion. He heard another thought arise unintentionally “It’s ok if it’s futile, I’ll be here with you forever then”. He saw an image of a cat curling up inside this dark futility, which now seemed more like a cave. The minute that the cat did that, the sensation and experience changed… The darkness became warm.
He sat in that warm, accompanied darkness feeling the warmth permeate all areas of his brain and all the space in his mind and he felt it permeate his thoughts. Each time it permeated a thought, the thought felt like it burst. This took about 20 minutes time before he said he felt a sensation of completeness and wholeness in that warm darkness and felt like it was a good time to come back.
He could have stopped right there. That was a profoundly healing experience for his mind. But we went a step further before coming back. I asked him what he feels his mind needed. He said, “To know that it was not alone. What my mind has been feeling, that I didn’t realize it felt, is totally alone to deal with the betrayal of his friend.” So I asked him when was the time that he was the most loved and the most unconditional companionship. His answer was with his grandmother. So I had him mentally go back to the sensory experience of being held by his grandmother. He sat in this feeling for four minutes. At the end of the four minutes, I had him take that feeling signature of being with his grandmother and bringing it up into his mind, like an offering to that warm darkness. I also told him to offer the thought “I’m right here for you always” to his mind as well. A big smile spread across his face. The experience of his mind changed completely. The darkness started transforming to an orange sunset colored light with a creamy texture. He could perceive movement slowly occurring in his brain. He watched the thought cross his mind “this is amazing”. Emotionally, he felt a thousand times better. There was no tension in his mind. He sat unconditionally with that sensory experience for five minutes and then when he felt fulfilled and when it felt right, he took a few breaths and opened his eyes.
Being completely unconditionally present with any aspect of our being, as well as in this case our own mind, has the capacity to bring radical improvement to our quality of life. It has massive implication for people suffering from mental illness or any other ailment related to the mind. Being unconditionally present with our mind can change the way we think and the way our brains function.
At the most basic level, your body is made up of energy. That energy organizes itself into the physical body you are looking at in the mirror every day. But before that energy organizes itself into physical body parts, it organizes itself into meridians and chakras. These chakras are centers of energy that lie along energy channels and each one holds a very specific vibration and has a specific purpose. Each chakra is a specific expression of Prana (otherwise known as life force or source energy). The chakras look a bit like funnels of energy or vortices. They both absorb and emit energy.
When a chakra is out of alignment, meaning it is not letting life force in or is out of alignment for any number of reasons, it starts to affect your equilibrium. It becomes a serious imbalance within the system. When chakras are out of alignment, they appear small and do not absorb or emit much energy. They also change in their color, patterning, texture and sound.
The solar plexus chakra, also known as Manipura, is the third chakra relative to the body in the energy system. It is located more or less at the pit of your stomach; the upper part of your belly, where your diaphragm resides. It is associated with the element of fire and the sun and with the color yellow.
The solar plexus governs the stomach, liver, gall bladder, kidneys, large intestine, much of the muscular system, adrenal glands, pancreas, diaphragm and the skin. Ailments involving any of these bodily systems suggest an out of alignment solar plexus chakra.
The solar plexus chakra is the center of personal power and personal identity. Because of this, it is directly related to personal willpower, ego/personality, personal freedom, confidence, proactivity, responsibility, reliability, self esteem, authenticity, personal honor and integrity, ethics, confirmation, a sense of personal control and personal choice. This chakra transforms inertia into movement. It is also associated with the opposite of all of these things such as anxiety, low self esteem, jealousy, controlling, competiveness, lack of confidence, insecurity, feeling trapped and not free, lack of integrity, no sense of self, inauthenticity and inertia.
What causes the solar plexus chakra to go out of alignment? Usually relationships with other people. This is often felt in relationships as that classic ‘knot in the stomach’ feeling. Relationships where we do not feel seen, heard, felt and understood. These relationships negatively impact our self-esteem. These relationships are relationships in which we are being controlled and lose a sense of freedom of being. Any time we are inauthentic and have a weak sense of self this chakra will go out of alignment. If we do not act with personal honor or integrity, we will cause the solar plexus to go out of alignment. These relationships, especially if they occur in our childhood years set us up to have a relationship with ourselves and with the world in which we betray ourselves, have a negative perception of ourselves and don’t exercise personal choice. Contrary to popular opinion, people who seem narcissistic do not have a solar plexus chakra that is too open or strong. Chakras do not work that way. Do away with the idea of balance being the key to a healthy chakra system. People who exhibit the narcissistic pattern of relationship style have some of the most out of alignment solar plexus chakras, as do their co-dependent style counterparts.
How do we open and bring the solar plexus chakra into alignment?
Live your life by the tenant of authenticity. The more authentic you are with yourself and with other people, the more in alignment your solar plexus will be. Be completely honest with yourself and with who you are and what you want. Live your life, making all your life choices in congruence with that. To learn more about this, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
Live in alignment with your personal sense of integrity. A lack of integrity should be defined as the quality of not adhering to principals communicated to you by your own conscience. Also not living in a state of wholeness in and of yourself. For example, if your conscience tells you that honesty is right for you and you lie, you are demonstrating a lack of integrity. Two parts of you are split in that moment and you will feel bad as a result of it. Your internal guidance system will be guiding you in the opposite direction of where you are currently headed. To learn more about how to live with integrity, watch my video titled: Integrity (What is Integrity and How to Build Integrity).
Know that you have the power to choose. The solar plexus is so much about personal choice and the empowerment involved in choosing and deciding for yourself. The best way to create alignment in any chakra is to figure out what thought or action or circumstance is opposing any of the energies associated with the solar plexus chakra, like personal empowerment or a sense of self or self worth and find a way to resolve them. Especially face any of the parts within you and shadows related to not feeling empowered to choose. If you struggle with this, you may have trouble with making decisions. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Indecision (Decisions and Indecisiveness).
Commit to a path of mastering the art of relationships. Any time we are in a personal power struggle within our relationships and do not feel seen, heard, felt or understood, our solar plexus will go out of alignment. We will perceive the other person to be a threat to our sense of self, including our self-concept and sense of personal choice. What we ultimately must learn and implement is that relationships should be about deep levels of intimacy and in that intimacy, taking each other as an indivisible part of ourselves so that their best interests are part of our best interests. If we saw this as the definition of a healthy relationship, we could clearly see any time we or the other person in the relationship was acting different to this. Don’t sweep your relationship issues under the rug. Clean them up and if you can’t despite all efforts to do so, you may need to consider separating from some of the relationships in your life. I have countless videos available about relationships and how to have healthy ones. Anything you do to create a better relationship with yourself and other people will cause your solar plexus to come into alignment.
Many of the dimensional realities outside the physical dimension do not have a time/space aspect to them. This means to think something is to cause the thing to happen or to be instantly. It’s a “think open, it opens” kind of thing. Where as in the physical dimension there is a time and space buffer between thought and thing. The chakra system influences the physical but is a multidimensional aspect of you (which is why they are invisible to most people). This means if you think of your solar plexus chakra opening or visualize it opening, it opens. The visualization I see working the best is when you place your hands over this chakra and imagine it as a vibrant yellow colored vortex like opening in the pit of your stomach. Then visualize expanding it with the help of an opening movement of your hands to about a foot wide. Then visualize it spinning clockwise. Sense this chakra pulling in energy from the world with each inhale and emitting your personal power and personal energy to the world with each exhale. If you are interested, I also have a chakra meditation available on my website which can guide you through this process.
The solar plexus chakra is an interesting chakra because unlike other chakras, it is not primarily influenced by the color that it is associated with… yellow. It is the most positively effected when you select colors that you authentically love and that represent who you are as a person. If you dislike the color yellow, yellow can actually cause your solar plexus to contract. Pay close attention to the colors that you prefer personally and that make you feel like you are representing your authenticity to the world. Surround yourself in those colors. Wear these colors and decorate with these colors.
Stimulate it with sounds. You can find binaural beats on the Internet designed specifically for the solar plexus chakra. You can expose yourself to crystal singing bowls designed for the solar plexus chakra. You can also stick with thousands of years worth of toning tradition. To do this, sit in meditation and stimulate your solar plexus chakra by chanting Ram or Ah depending on which one resonates in your stomach area the most. Play around with the tonality of these sounds to find the one that causes your solar plexus area to vibrate the most.
Use herbs and essential oils to help your solar plexus chakra align. My top picks for effect on this chakra are ginger, dandelion, saffron, turmeric, cinnamon, chamomile, bergamot, lemon balm, lemongrass, fennel, marshmallow root, lemon, milk thistle and calendula.
Eat Foods that assist the solar plexus. My personal favorites are: Bananas, pears, pumpkin, yellow peppers, squash, sunflower seeds, lentils, curries, corn, pineapple, lemons, cumin, brown rice, spelt, cardamom, Saur kraut, oats and ginger. Any food that supports the bodily systems associated with this chakra also assists this chakra.
Bring certain mineral spirits into your life. In my opinion, the best for the solar plexus chakra is Citrine. My other top picks are honeycomb calcite, sun stone, amber, golden beryl, yellow tourmaline, yellow topaz, carnelian, hematite, tiger’s eye and spirit quartz.
Move your body. The solar plexus is assisted by any kind of movement. This chakra that is very forward moving in its nature. So, exercise in whatever way calls to you the most. You can also move in ways that cause the belly area specifically to be stretched. Abdominal massage assists this chakra immensely. The tradition of yoga also has many poses that are designed to facilitate solar plexus opening.
Deliberately think thoughts and say things and take actions and seek out experiences that cause you to feel good about yourself and to feel personally empowered. Exercise your free will by making choices that reflect your true self, especially choices regarding what relationships to nourish and keep close to you.
Get out there and take some risks. The solar plexus chakra is enhanced by forward movement in life as long as that forward movement is in accordance with one’s desires, needs and personal truth. There is a big difference between ‘I want to do this thing but I’m terrified of doing this thing’ and ‘I don’t want to do this thing and I’m terrified of doing this thing’. Take the risks that are in alignment with what you genuinely and authentically want to do. Taking steps from this place feels risky, especially socially risky. But we need to take those risks in order to feel a sense of personal freedom and choice.
Get out in the sun. I’m not saying to bake yourself in it. I’m simply saying that when the skin is exposed to sunlight, it causes this chakra to come further into alignment. Sun energy assists this chakra and every bodily system associated with it.
By intentionally doing things which enable your solar plexus chakra to come into alignment and to open, you will be setting yourself up to live the life you intended to live. You will be developing a healthy ego. You will feel your authentic self radiating its personal power out into the world and you will find relationships that are in perfect alignment with that. You will feel you have the power to be yourself and to choose the life you want and consciously choose to live.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that our relationships on earth today are completely dysfunctional. It also doesn’t take a genius to see that if we don’t do something about it, we (the human race) are going to self-destruct. Today, I’m going to expose one of the patterns that is causing the most damage between one another.
We do not love each other. We fell in love with the idea of one another. When we fall in love with the idea of one another, we relate to each other as objects. Objects that are supposed to meet our needs and have no needs of their own. This begins, like all things in childhood.
Most parents alive today have children because of some need they have that they think the child will meet. Perhaps it’s to guarantee closeness with a partner. Perhaps it’s to feel a sense of self worth, value and validation. Perhaps it’s for societal esteem. Perhaps it’s because giving a child what they never had would heal their own traumas. Parents don’t really admit to the reasons that they have children. They couldn’t because so often it would be too self-centered. Our ego prevents us from really seeing ourselves in this way. The thing is, the child that is born to a parent is their own person with their own preferences and destiny and wants and needs and feelings. So children rarely ever conform to the real reason that the parent had the child in the first place. The child does not meet the parent’s needs. And this is a recipe for disaster.
One of the most common dynamics that we see in the world today is that a parent (usually a mother) wants a child that will satiate her needs in the same way that a doll satiates the needs of a four-year-old girl. The four year old feels a sense of self-esteem in having the doll and dressing to match the doll and pretending to be needed by the doll and pretending they have a connection with the doll. This parent does not actually want a child that is a unique and individual person. This parent wants a doll that is animated and a doll that is a mini-me. They want this doll to act how they want it to act. They want it to be hungry when it is convenient for them. They want to be able to put it down when they want to do something else and have it shut its eyes and open them again only when they want to interact with it. They don’t want the doll to need them when they don’t want to be needed.
For the father usually this doll of a child that they want is not about feeling a sense of self-esteem and personal validation in caretaking anything. It is more about having a status symbol, like an animated trophy. It is about having something that through its successes validates him as a person.
For this parent, the person the child actually is and the needs and feelings a child actually has and the ways they are different from the parent will not be well received. Instead of validating the parent’s sense of self, this child’s existence will invalidate their sense of self. This child will have needs that the parent does not want to meet and will not operate according to the parent’s schedule. And so, this child will be rejected. This rejection leads down two different paths. Both of which are equally painful.
When a child is young, they cannot perceive themselves to have a life separate from their parent. A baby cannot actually preoccupy itself. A baby also cannot soothe itself. So a baby that is rejected will experience a void when this occurs… A void like a pet or a sentient toy that is put on the shelf.
I highly suggest that to grasp the horror of this relationship with one’s parents that you watch the Pixar movie: A Toy Story. But pretend that the children in the movie (Andy and Sid) are parents to the toys they have. The experience that so many of us live with our parents is the horror of being a toy, an animated object, in our parent’s reality. We are either the toy that is never valued and so is born and lives and dies on the shelf. Or we are the toy that is so loved when it is on the shelf. But once we are unwrapped, the person unwrapping us is instantly disappointed and so discards us immediately. Or we are the toy that is loved like nothing else for a short period of time and then experiences a fall from grace when a better toy (sibling) comes along. Or we are the toy that is loved forever on the condition that we become exactly what our owner wants us to be. What we long for is for someone to see that we are real and to love us forever for what is real about us.
If we were the doll that was perceived to be defective because we couldn’t control our animation to match perfectly what was wanted by our parent, we were rejected and put on the shelf or punished for it. Like a toy or a neglected pet, we may be fed and clothed, but we do not have a life. Our life only has movement and meaning and emotional breath if we are interacted with. So when we are not, we experience crippling separation anxiety. We dissolve in the hell of knowing we have no value to the person upon whom our life depends. We feel we are not real without them. We feel the potentially eternal hell of our living and self concept being completely at the mercy of another person who we can’t make value us enough to play with us. And we do not know if or when another person will come to claim us. And even if they did, it wouldn’t erase the fact that we were rejected by the person who mattered so much to us. And when we try to cry out to get the love back and our life back with it, there is no response. Our parent goes on with their own life as if we are screaming inside but not making a noise. Or they shame us for reaching out for them with our voice or actions. On a visceral level, it feels like someone has run through our chest, solar plexus, lungs and rib cage with an old fashioned lawn mower. We often resort to addictions to try to numb the pain of this ineffable wound.
We grow up to become a person who feels we have no life if we don’t have a partner. Until we heal this wounding, we will line up with partners who follow this same pattern of rejecting us and putting us on the shelf to only play with us when they want to.
If we were the doll who could control its animation to be exactly what our parent wanted and thus maintain love in this way, we will feel like a GI Joe at a tea party. We too are not loved for what we are. But instead of being discarded for exposing what we are, we pretend to be something else. The pressure of this inauthenticity makes us not feel as if we have an individual life. Our identity is consumed. Therefore, we must push people away and be alone to feel a sense of self. On a visceral level, it feels like we are a fly caught in a spider’s web being slowly spun to the point of suffocation and simultaneously being eaten alive.
We grow up to become a person who feels we have no life if we don’t push our partner away so we can be alone. Until we heal this wounding, we will try to conform to our partner’s idea of what they want but will eventually not be able to keep up the act and will take off the mask and make a break for our freedom by telling them that our interaction with them is only going to happen on our terms. But because they valued us for the mask we first presented, we will be rejected for who we really are again.
In both scenarios, we receive the message that we are not valued by the person who gives us life. We either had to be what they wanted instead of ourselves to be loved or couldn’t be who they wanted us to be in order to be loved. So we are innately rejected. Our self-concept is complete and total shame.
Self-hate occurs in us because we either are not lovable as we are or if we were discarded emotionally, we could not become what would make us lovable. We are so desperate to be loved, we feel the need to cut these aspects of our self that are met with rejection away. We internalize the message about ourselves. To understand how this dynamic works, watch my video titled: Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism.
If we are born to parents who wanted something other than who we are, we will hate ourselves erroneously. Imagine a person buying a horse when what they actually wanted was a horse figurine. They would reject us for manure. They would hate how big we were. They would be mad that they had to spend money on our hay. They would feel frustrated that they had to groom us. Eventually, they’d neglect us in our stalls and even sell us. But that rejection would not be because something was wrong with us. It would be them at fault for buying a horse when what they really wanted was a horse figurine. This is the reality when what our parents really wanted was not a child, but an animated doll.
Because our parents saw us as their thing, like a doll, they could not attune to us. Imagine a child dragging a doll around by the neck. But that doll is actually alive. This is the terror of our life experience. In not attuning, we cannot feel loved because we can’t take something as part of ourselves if we cannot even perceive the reality of that thing. It is merely a player in our own pretend game.
Being raised in this dynamic makes it so that we feel like objects in each other’s realities and we treat each other like objects in each other’s realities. We treat each other like we are only as good as our use. The entire world we live in becomes a world of playthings and penny candy… A world where we cannot see, hear, feel, understand each other and value each other for who we really are. A world where we cannot find people who are compatible to us and can therefore be in harmony with us and make us feel loved. We cannot attune to each other. We must learn to attune to one another to stop this dynamic. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Attunement (The Key To a Good Relationship).
We need to get very clear about the deep, dark and real reasons we are thinking about having children before we have them. We need to accept that any child that is born will be born as their own person. They may be totally different to what we want in a child. They may be totally different to us. They will not operate according to our schedule. They will have wants and needs when it is incredibly inconvenient to be needed. They will have their own needs, wants and preferences and destiny. And they need to learn that they can have that and be loved specifically for that and to have us too.
We need to break out of our single family households so our children can have access to multiple resources. This way, if they can’t have us at a given moment, they can have someone else. They will not feel as if they must be a doll in our reality and they will never feel put on the shelf. Imagine being loved for what you actually are and forever.
We need to see that we have a life regardless of whether people are or are not interacting with us. But it is a personal choice to have interaction in our life. We need to learn how to have ourselves and have other people too at the exact same time. Having people must never be contingent upon becoming exactly what they want us to be. The time has come to live an authentic life. And to choose to see people for who they really are instead of to hold them to a role in our game of pretend. If we do this from the get go with people, we will find people who are compatible to us and who really will love us for all that we are. To know how to do this, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
People are worth infinitely more than their use. If we were raised in a world where like a doll, we were only wanted for our use, we will see the world like this. We will only want people for their use and when they don’t conform to our ideal for them, we will discard them. By doing this, we perpetuate the cycle of objectification and rejection. We perpetuate disconnection on this planet. We guarantee that we will all be dislocated from each other’s hearts and from the web that unites us. We will fail to love. The time has come to demolish the self-concept of the defective doll and the doll that perfectly followed its operating instructions. The time has come to choose to love what is real.
Human beings are so profoundly alone. The way we live today is like roommates on the planet earth. Some roommates we get along with and some we want to avoid or kill. But we do not live one life together. Instead, we live out our separate lives in the same vicinity as other people. We lack emotional connection even when we are surrounded by other people. This feeling of being profoundly alone is the root cause of unhappiness in the human race. It is the root cause of addictions. It is the root cause of suicide. It is the root cause of acts of terror. And it is the root of the dysfunction in the way society is structured. But we weren’t always this way. So how did it get like this?
Humans used to live in a state of emotional connection. Ironically, one of our greatest strengths is what ultimately removed us from that state of connection. And that is our intellect. All that an ego is, is a self concept. Our intellect gives us the capacity to form a concept of self. This makes us embody the concept of the thought of “I”. We saw ourselves as different from and divisible from others. “I” is a thought that acts like a cancer, separating everything. If you would like to understand more about this, watch my video titled: Oneness is not the ultimate truth of the universe. But it is important to understand that this is the first intellectual advancement that would be as detrimental as it ever was beneficial to us.
It used to be that our survival was completely dependent on each other. Our basic physical survival was based on interdependence. We could not afford for any member of our group to not be seen, felt, heard and understood. We could not afford to be out of alignment with one another. That was a huge liability. If your life depends on something, you remain very perceptive to the actuality as well as the wellbeing of that thing. The scary thing about being dependent on anything is that you’re at the mercy of it being provided. For example, if your main source of food were corn, you’d be dependent on corn. But if there was a drought and no corn grew, you would suffer. Or if you were dependent on someone hunting for your food, but they never came back from the hunt, you’d starve to death. So, naturally, we used our intellect to seek to improve our lives by finding ways to be less powerless as individuals. We found ways to get away from being dependent. We removed ourselves from interdependence with just about everything and took control of everything instead.
For example, we used our intellect to create clothes and houses to not depend on the seasons and elements. We started planting crops to not depend on what the earth naturally provided in a given year. We created money to not depend on another person liking our trade. Even though this had many benefits, it also came with a monumental downside.
The idea of “I” automatically gave rise to the idea of “mine”. This further separated us in that we began to treat people upon whom our survival no longer depended as things belonging to us or things opposing us. As we became less and less dependent on other things, including each other, our basic survival no longer depended on the wellbeing of others. Instead, other people were seen as either resources for us to use for our own benefit (slavery is an example of this) or as threats to our wellbeing. We started to control them and eradicate them and only add to their wellbeing conditionally if they complied to our wishes. We lost our motive to stay connected. We became more and more independent. We lost survival as our motive to perceive one another and to treat their wellbeing as indivisible from our own. For the first time, we could look at someone whose wellbeing asked something of us and we could say “no… it doesn’t affect me if you’re feeling that way, it doesn’t threaten my survival. It has no impact on me.” This is the origin of war.
Wars simply made matters much worse. They rendered so many people hurt that they placed everyone in the kind of survival situation where survival was not dependent on the capacity to become interdependent, but instead on one’s ability to be completely self centered in nature. Due to their pain and the survival situations they were put in, they became completely self-focused. Pain has a tendency of doing that to a person. They were unable to really feed the wellbeing of the people around them, including their children.
Children growing up in the kind of emotional environment where parents are just trying to survive and where they were treated as objects belonging to their parents, learn that their parent’s wellbeing has nothing to do with their wellbeing. This is a household of emotional neglect and even abuse. To understand emotional neglect, watch my video titled: Today’s Great Epidemic and How to Cure It. Children raised in this environment grow up with the idea that their wellbeing is dependent upon not being dependent on anyone else for their wellbeing. They become narcissistic in that life is about everyone being out for themselves. And they develop several adaptive strategies to ensure they will be able to meet their individual needs in a way that does not depend on anyone taking them into consideration in a loving way. This is the foundation of the dysfunctional family system. These children will in turn grow up to treat their children like this. It is like a cancer that passes from generation to generation. A cancer of non-consideration. “ I cannot perceive your feelings, thoughts, desires, needs etc. because that does nothing for me. You only exist in so far as what you can do for me.”
Gradually, we lost our motive and thereafter ability to really perceive one another at an emotional level. We learned to live individual lives on planet earth side by side. And the less we depend on each other, the less connected we become. The structure of our society is one that continues to separate people further and further. We have become completely attachment and relationship disordered in nature. And we continue to propagate the idea that independence, being alone and meeting our needs completely for ourselves is something to develop and take pride in.
By thinking our way out of interdependence in terms of physical survival, life for people on earth became a zero sum game. You vs. me. A game in which people perceived it to be possible for you to lose and me to win or vice versa. Ultimately it is not actually possible. The very thing we thought up for our survival is the very thing that will damn it. It is the very thing that is making our world unsafe and painful today.
We are in a phase of human evolution today where we are going to reverse this process completely. And ironically, it is not going to be done by getting rid of the ego initially. It is going to be done by the ego understanding that its survival depends on others. We must gain back our motive to be connected and interdependent and therefore attuned to another person. We must gain back the complete embodied understanding that the wellbeing of other things, whether they be human or non-human, is indivisible from our own wellbeing. When we fully realize this, we will choose to be connected in a way where we can fully perceive them. There will no longer be emotional neglect. There will no longer be a void within people. There will no longer be abuse. There will no longer be war. There will no longer be any form of disconnection between us.
We must choose to be dependent. There is nothing powerless about the choice to be dependent and it is safe assuming that both people realize that their wellbeing is inseparable from the other person. This is the foundation of interdependence.
From here, we will realize that there is no “other”. That is an illusion. This is when the thought “I” and all concepts connected to it like “mine” will dissipate. So will our sense of isolation along with it. It will no longer be a thought kept alive by the minds of men. Our survival as a species is completely dependent upon the conscious choice to be interdependent.
Anger is by far the emotional state that we disapprove of and try to suppress in ourselves as well as each other the very most. This isn’t surprising because anger is notorious for creating social conflict. But there is an amazing application for anger that most people would never suspect.
Somatically, anger feels like an emotional version of fire. Like fire, it is aggressive in that it usually projects outward and feels very hard to contain. It wants to consume anything in its path and as such, it is often destructive in nature. We like to think that creation is good and destruction is bad. But a universal principal is that destruction is necessary for creation. Therefore destruction and creation do not have to be contradictory. They can be highly complimentary.
What we learn from forest fires is that they are purifying. They destroy so that the ecosystem in an area is restored. It rids an area of what is dead, dying and/or no longer benefitting the area. The decomposed organic matter that it creates enriches the soil, making it easier for new growth.
Anger has been critical to our survival. Anger pulls us out of powerlessness and the pain of being hurt and being afraid. This is why anger can be used as fuel. It is a huge burst of energy. It means we are taking our power back. Anger means we think we have a personal choice to make. Even though anger is a valuable self-preservation instinct that calls for the restoration of our empowerment and for the life we consciously choose, when we feel anger, we don’t treat it as such. We’ve been taught it is so wrong that our immediate reaction to it is to fear it, suppress it, reject it or do anything we can do to release it and get rid of it in some way. I did a video titled: ‘How To Deal With Anger’ a while back in which I explained the danger of approaching anger in this way as well as tips for what to do with anger when it arises. I suggest watching that video if you want some additional ideas for what to do about anger.
Here is the thing; anger is designed to distance us from things that threaten our wellbeing. Some times this distancing separates us from things we need to be close to and thus prevents love. But sometimes it separates us from things we need to be separated from for the sake of our wellbeing. When anger distances us from things that we need to be separated from, it is like a forest fire that is designed to distance the forest from what holds it back from growth.
And so, an amazing technique we can use with our anger is to do the opposite of what we would normally do with anger. We do not try to make it go away. We do not suppress it. We do not try to get back to love. We do nothing to diminish it. And we don’t direct it towards anything. Instead, we go somewhere where we can be totally undisturbed and we close our eyes and we invite it to become an internal forest fire that burns everything internally. We invite it to get rid of everything internally that we don’t want there anymore so that we are completely internally purified to start over totally fresh and from the ashes internally.
For example, if we have had a breakup anger is a natural thing to feel during the grief process. We can sit down when we hit this phase and close our eyes as if we are experiencing a shamanic journey/meditation of sorts. We can see what color the fire is and what qualities it has. We can contain it internally and deliberately so that it will consume the unwanted things that exist within us. We can even play music that helps the fire burn more aggressively and more destructively. But we can invite the destruction consciously with our free will. We can see it burning up our attachments to the person we broke up with. We can see it burning up memories we have with them, both good and bad. We can see it burning up the fantasy or visions of what we wanted with that person, but could not actualize. We can see it cauterizing the emotional wounds we sustained. You can see it burning up patterns, thoughts and beliefs that are detrimental to us relative to the breakup.
You can use this internal fire of anger to consciously destroy anything you want. Let your intuition be the guide of what this fire needs to consume. Be with it for as long as it wants to burn until it burns completely out, leaving a blank slate of charred internal ground behind. Let it burn until all that is left is only a place to build new; only the potential for new growth. You can direct this fire but do not control when it is or isn’t finished. Let it burn. Invite it to burn. Invite and consciously choose the destruction in the name of letting go of whatever needs to be let go of.
If you want, you can use music to enhance this fire. This is a good time to use super angry music in your meditation. And switch to music that makes you feel like letting go once the fire turns to embers or ash. You may want to use breathing techniques to enhance it as well. This amazing application for anger is like a personal re-birth process where you are cleansing your entire being a bit like a phoenix.
I want you to imagine that you are so sick of your life and so hurt by it that you set it on fire and just watch it burn and thank the flames that dissolve it. This is the same level of release you want to achieve with this exercise. Except it is your own being that you are going to mentally imagine the anger is burning up; specifically anything that does not serve it and that is not conducive to a new life or moving forward. Invoke the flames instead of resisting them, thanks the flames as they consume everything within you that should no longer be there.
It is natural that after you do this process, you will feel much more free. But you will also most likely feel raw and like so much that you are used to feeling internally is now gone. You may also feel underlying emotions that are exposed during the process, like sorrow. Sorrow often follows anger. Sorrow is a bit like rain after a forest fire. It cools the scorched earth and settles everything, saturating it so that it can restore. Allow the emotions that the fire of anger makes way for as well without trying to change them. From there, let go and allow yourself to internally progress. You do not need to try to create anything. Creation and new growth comes naturally as a result of any space being cleared by fire. Simply expose yourself to any experiences, things and people that are nourishing and replenishing.
Destruction has an incredibly valuable space in this universe as well as within our own being if it is consciously instead of unconsciously carried out. If the intention behind doing it is purification and letting go, it is not detrimental or criminal, it is beneficial. And anger is naturally adept at being used in this way… for conscious internal arson.
For relationships to work, they have to feel good to both people in the relationship. This is true no matter what kind of relationship it is (friendship, partnership, family relationship, work relationship etc). Obviously this is much easier said than done. But one of the top reasons that relationships do not feel good and are unsustainable is: Incompatibility.
We are conditioned to believe that love triumphs over all. We have been conditioned to believe that if we are genuinely a good person, we should be able to have a feel good relationship with anyone and everyone, regardless of what role they are playing in our lives. But I’m going to tell you today that if you are holding yourself to this expectation, your relationships will end in pain. There is a big difference between loving something and being compatible with something. A bird may love a fish for example, but if their desires for a partnership requires them to live in the same place, there is no way to make that happen without killing either of them.
Incompatibility is the condition of two things being so different in nature and so uncomplimentary in that difference that they are incapable of coexisting harmoniously. It is tempting to assume that incompatibility is simply about having differences. But what incompatibility is really about it is putting people with these non harmonious differences in roles or positions with each other that require there to be either no difference or that require a difference that is non harmonious in nature to be harmonious.
This is the case with all relationships, but nowhere is this more easy to see than in partnerships. One of the most common incompatibilities in partnerships today occurs with opposing attachment needs. One person in the partnership will desire a partnership that is very close and committed, where both people are living life as a joint venture and take responsibility for one another. In this relationship, it is assumed that they are doing everything together unless it is mutually agreed that they will do otherwise.
The other partner prefers his or her space. This person does not want one life with anyone but prefers for they and their partner to have two separate lives and to come together to enjoy closeness and share each other’s separate adventures with one another. This partnership is not a relationship where they take responsibility for one another and it is assumed that they are doing everything separately except for at nighttime when they go to sleep, unless it is mutually agreed that they will do otherwise. This is an example of an incompatibility that has no remedy because if either partner conforms to the desires of the other, the relationship will be miserable for them and eventually (because only unhappiness is the result) both will end up unhappy and incapable of maintaining harmony with one another. This relationship is a guarantee that either one partner will feel limited, not free and suffocated or the other will feel constantly pushed away and abandoned. There is often trauma that creates these extremely different needs in adult relationships, specifically abandonment on one side and enmeshment on the other. But it does not matter because neither partner can try to heal the other one into being compatible.
When incompatibility is present in a relationship, it is usually very difficult for people to admit to it, to change the nature of their relationship, to change their roles in each other’s lives or to end the relationship. We want everything to work out so badly because we can’t face the reality of the incompatibility because of what it would mean to us. But because of this, we destroy the relationship. What we do is that we try to make the other person compatible with us by making them wrong or bad for their difference. This creates shame in them. And they most likely will do the same to us. After a while, the emotional condition of the relationship itself is shame and resentment towards each other because of it. Often, when we make the other person wrong for their difference, we come up with a reason why they are wrong for it and try to then heal them out of that difference or try to change it so that it doesn’t exist. This never works because if you try, the message conveyed by approaching them in this manner will be “you need to be fixed because something is wrong with you.” They will feel totally unloved by you and unaccepted and unwanted as they are.
One of the main signs of incompatibility in a relationship is that either one or both people in the relationship will feel totally unloved. The most glaring sign of incompatibility in a relationship is that you will be unable to genuinely say that you want the other person to be exactly who they are. The truth will be that you want them to change and that who they are in this moment, if nothing else changed, causes you pain. In an incompatible relationship, you will spend your time vacillating between wishing the other person was different and wishing that you were a different person. Chances are if you really want the relationship to work, you will try endlessly to change them and endlessly to change yourself so there can be harmony. But it will be futile. The relationship will become the biggest source of pain in your life.
This mutual shame created by incompatibility is greatly enhanced if either person is unable to be authentic. Many people grow up in households that have no respect for boundaries and so safety in the house is about throwing your unique identity away to create social harmony rather than developing a solid core and really knowing yourself. When this is the case, a person grows into an adult that does not know himself or herself at all. Because of this, this person wants a relationship but has no capacity to assess compatibility before entering into a relationship. Instead, they will try to become and promise to be exactly what the other person wants and needs. This will be impossible of course to maintain because it is impossible to deny who we really are and what we really want and need. The truth will come out eventually but often far after two people have already committed to a kind of relationship where these differences make for an impossibility to maintain harmony.
One of the reasons we tend to be inauthentic is that we feel so much shame for our personal truth and what we really want and need that we cannot admit to it. Or we feel the consequence of being authentic is not something we can face. The truth comes out, as it always does, in subconscious ways. We send mixed messages constantly and other people start to guess at our truth even when we deny it. But what we have to see is that we are setting ourselves up by doing this. We are also setting other people up. We are setting ourselves up to be loved for a mask, not for who we really are. And because they agreed to the mask, when we remove it, they will feel duped and may reject who we really are. We are also setting them up because they are agreeing to a relationship and assessing compatibility based on something false. They can’t discern incompatibility if we are leading them to believe we are compatible to them when we are not.
One of the best examples of this is a gay man who was raised to believe being gay is an abomination and that by engaging in an intimate relationship with another man, he would risk eternal damnation. Because of this, he cannot be authentic. He may enter into a heterosexual marriage, trying to convince both he and the woman he is committing to that they are compatible. They are not compatible in the role they are entering into together. But the truth will not come out until later when there is a whole lot more of a consequence for all parties involved to discover that there is an irreconcilable incompatibility.
To learn how to be authentic, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic. You must know yourself in order to establish any form of relationship that is genuinely compatible.
Sometimes, when we experience an incompatibility, we can find a third option. In fact, if we cannot find a third option when incompatibility is involved, our relationship is doomed in the form it is in. This is an arrangement where by agreeing to subtle changes, both people can be happy. Other times, finding a third option is literally impossible. But when we cannot find a third option arrangement that feels good to both people, it is usually because that person is in the wrong role. In fact the only way to resolve the incompatibility so there is any harmony in the relationship is to change the role they are in. This is very much the case in companies in the corporate sphere. For example, someone who is in a role of manager may be terrible as a manager (and therefore incompatible to the company itself) but may be perfect in customer support. This is also very much the case in partnerships. For example, a person may be truly incompatible as a partner but may be a truly great friend. And what is true is that our loving of someone is really about our capacity to change someone’s role in our life (even though it may be a painful process of letting go and of change) rather than to reject or to hate them or punish them for not being compatible to us in the role we want them in. And/or to throw them out of our life completely.
The single hardest thing by far when it comes to assessing compatibility is that attraction has absolutely no respect for compatibility. I will be discussing why we have attraction for the people that we do in a later video. But when we find ourselves attracted to someone and wanting so badly to have a relationship with him or her, and it just feels right because of that gravity between you and them, it is very difficult to see reality vs. the fantasy you have for what it could be. It is also very difficult to see that incompatibilities that are not a big deal when two people first fall in love may be incompatibilities that make a relationship impossible down the road.
A good example of this is religion. For some people, being a different religion from their partner is a difference that does not qualify as incompatibility. For others, it is a huge incompatibility. Some religions are not something that is only done on Sunday. It is an entire way of life that governs what someone does and does not do on a daily basis. For example, if someone is Mormon, the way life is lived is so different that the behaviors of a non Mormon spouse would be considered to be incompatible. Also, the intention that a Mormon has in choosing a spouse is to share in the celestial afterlife together. A non-Mormon cannot make it to the celestial afterlife. So if a Mormon married a non-Mormon, it would mean that they would have a temporary life with them until death, which feels hopelessly empty and would create extreme distress. Therefore, a Mormon marrying a non-Mormon would be incompatible where as a Presbyterian marrying an Episcopalian might not be an incompatibility depending on how both people feel about it.
Another super hard thing is that many of us were incompatible with the very family that we were born into. It is an assumption that by being born into a family, we will be compatible with that family. This is just not the case even though it is taboo in society to say that. If our differences cannot be accommodated by or accepted by our family, the reality is that many of us would have ended off much better in a different family. But adoption is a very hard thing emotionally for all parties and it is not societally accepted for adoption to occur on these grounds. As a result, when this was the case, we developed a core self-concept of shame. When this was our experience and therefore our core wounding, we carry this unhealed wound into adulthood and so we will find ourselves in relationships with incompatible partners over and over again until we can find resolution to this wound and be aware enough to consciously choose a compatible partner.
I’ll give you a little consciousness treat and tell you something. People who were wounded by being incompatible with their family and therefore being pushed away, shamed and rejected for who they are, are desperate to belong. They want closeness, tend to cling in relationships and they are so desperate for connection that they commit to people who are incompatible to them even after they become aware of the incompatibility. It is a bit like being so desperate for water that you’ll drink it even if you know it is poisoned. But because of their unhealed wound, they will often end up in relationships with people whose childhood wound is that they had to throw their identity, preferences, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires away if they were incompatible with one of the adults in the home so as to create social harmony. This person has no idea who they are and therefore cannot be authentic. This person also experiences relationships as suffocating and will push partners away. Therefore, the relationship becomes a mirror of both people’s childhood wounds. It will be a relationship with incompatibilities. The main incompatibility being that one person will feel constantly imprisoned by the relationship and as if they are losing themselves. The other will feel constantly pushed away and abandoned. Both will feel shamed for who they are. The universe is hoping that through the conscious awareness of this wound, both can heal it. One will heal it by consciously finding true compatibility in a kind of adult adoption process. The other will heal it by consciously choosing to live in alignment with their authenticity and have someone love them as they are, even if that love takes the shape of changing the role they are playing in someone else’s life.
The argument that people have for putting a lot of effort and even time into getting to know someone completely, before fully committing to someone being in a specific role in your life, holds serious weight when it comes to compatibility. The reality is that life changes, people change and unfortunately, you can’t make people be authentic, especially if they don’t even know themselves enough to be authentic. All of these things make it hard to guarantee that you are genuinely compatible with someone; or will stay compatible with someone for the rest of your life. But genuinely knowing yourself and being brutally honest with yourself about your internal truth, including your personal preferences, feelings, thoughts, wants, needs and dislikes will make it much easier to see what differences between you and people will make for genuine incompatibility. It will allow you to put people in your life in the roles and positions that they truly belong in so both you and they can be happy.
Today’s world is much different than it used to be. It used to be that acts of terrorism and randomized violence were so rare that no one ever really thought about it. Now it seems like you can’t look at the news without hearing about a terrorist attack or a school shooting. And the emotional atmosphere in the world today as a result, is one of unsafety. It is beginning to feel like anyone could be the target of totally unpredictable attack. But today, I’m going to make things a little more predictable for you and increase your awareness by demystifying school shooters.
As we progress through this episode, I want you to keep in mind that my intention is not to condone the actions of school shooters. The wake of suffering that they create is enormous. No one who has lost a loved one to a school shooter should be asked to feel forgiveness or practice empathy for someone who has hurt them to such a degree. It is up to their own healing process when or even if that ever happens. But so much of the solution with regards to school shooters, lies in our capacity to understand them.
Many people would love to hear me say that school shooters are simply mentally ill and so “don’t worry, they are nothing like you”. But this is not the case. To understand school shooters we are going to have to make our ego very uncomfortable by ceasing to see them as “those people” who are nothing like you. I always get upset when I hear about school shooting drills happening in schools. Because the reality is that if a school shooting happens, there is a very high likelihood that the very kid who is going to be doing the shooting is also participating in those drills. We act as if anyone who could carry out this kind of action couldn’t possibly be one of us.
Our incapacity to understand school shooters begins with our incapacity to understand emotional neglect and loneliness. When we are looking for the conditions that create a person who is suffering enough to carry out an act of terror, we should be looking for something that is often invisible. Instead, we are looking for abuse we can see or for loneliness we can see. And this is why it seems like there are no symptoms, characteristics or conditions that seem to be unanimous amongst all school shooters. But when we can see these things in the life of a school shooter, it is lucky.
It takes a whole collection of different factors to create a school shooter. But the culprit that unites them all is in fact invisible. What is unanimous amongst them is emotional neglect, which is something that can’t be seen because it is a suffering because of what isn’t happening instead of about what is happening. And what is unanimous amongst them, often as a result of emotional neglect, is a sense of isolation that exists even when they are surrounded by other people. This is why not every school shooter is physically socially isolated. But I absolutely 100% assure you they are isolated emotionally.
To understand this dynamic of emotional neglect completely, I want you to watch my video titled: Todays Great Epidemic (And How To Cure It).
We are living in the Emotional Dark Age. It used to be that we were living in the Dark Age when it came to pathogens. This is why the Plague was blamed on prostitutes and taken to be a sign of displeasure by God. We used to be completely confused about why people got sick and how sickness spread. Our confusion about school shooters is exactly the same. We do not understand emotions. We do not understand how to create the right emotional conditions for a person to feel connected to another person. We don’t get what we don’t overtly see and have not experienced for ourselves. This is why emotional neglect is not something parents get they are even doing with their children. It is not something we get that we are doing to each other.
Every act carried out in this universe is carried out for one reason and that is because the person doing it thinks it will help them to feel better. It is a desperate attempt to seek relief. Though every case of school shooter involves a unique cocktail of experiences and influences that makes them carry out the act where other people don’t, the truth is what they all have in common is the inability to truly connect emotionally to other people. So let’s look at how this works in the mind of the most difficult to understand school shooter. This school shooter is not isolated physically to the outside viewer and we cannot see overt signs of abuse in the family.
Imagine that you are a kid who grows up in a house where you are fed and clothed but there is no deep sense of connection on an emotional level with the other people in the household. You do not feel seen, felt, heard or understood. Because of this, often the people in your household are un-attuned to you. Things happen in the household and also in life and these things cause emotional pain. But because the people around you are un-attuned, they don’t realize the impact these painful experiences are actually having. Instead of being emotionally attuned enough to help you work through these painful emotional experiences with a sense of connection, they do things and say things that have real impact and that really hurt. Even when they are trying to love you. But your hurt is invalidated when it occurs because no one sees it and even shames you for feeling hurt. So you have learned to hide it. There is no way then to resolve these emotions of deep hurt.
Hatred is a cover emotion for hurt. It takes over in order to make a person feel less powerless. You feel isolated even when everyone is at the dinner table together. You feel you have no significance and doubt whether you really exist. Because of the deep pain you feel in this situation, you start to hate people. You are secretive about that hate. You simply notice that feeling hate feels much better than feeling hurt that you are powerless to do anything about.
Because you have learned connection (or lack there of) from your family, you carry these patterns into your relationships outside the household. Even though it may look like you have friends on the outside, none of them are genuinely close to you emotionally. They don’t really know you. That causes you pain as well. You notice that the closest you can get to feeling emotionally close to someone, is when they are suffering emotionally like you are. You notice that when tragedies occur, people feel like you feel and for the first time, you feel like you exist. When they go back to being happy, it feels like they leave you behind. They are in a different reality that is inconsiderate of the pain you are in. This makes you feel hurt by them and totally alone.
You begin to fantasize about forcing them to see you and forcing them to be in your reality. You dream of forcing them to feel empathy through going through a situation that forces them to feel what you feel. This makes you feel less alone. None of this is particularly conscious of course. You begin to pre-meditate about it.
So then, you lose the hope of ever really being connected because of a series of events that push you over the edge. Perhaps someone breaks up with you and you get disapproval in the form of a bad grade in your class and you get a parking ticket. On that day, you decide you have nothing to lose anymore, because the parts of you that put the brakes on this impulse are the ones that thought connection might just be possible and now they see it is futile. And so they are overpowered by your pain. You go out into the world (for a student, school is their world) and you carry out the attack. If you have particular people who you feel have hurt you in this way, like school personnel or girls who broke up with you, you will target them. If you feel this way about everyone, because you feel like the world is entirely me and them, you will shoot anyone you see. In that second, you are significant. In that moment, even though they don’t consciously realize it, you have succeeded in making them join your reality.
This is where I need you to really stretch your mind. This is the real reason that anyone carries out this type of attack… Underneath it all, it is the literal only way that a person feels is available to them after all other hope is lost to get the emotional connection they can’t get in any other way. In that moment that you injure or kill them, they feel your loss. They feel your powerlessness, they feel the pain that is bad enough at this point that it feels like life cannot go on. They feel the horror of your emotional life. They feel and see the world that is going on inside you underneath the surface façade.
You may have been trying to get them to see this. You may have been dropping hints or crying out for help before. But no one succeeded in seeing you. So, you had to force them to. Now they get it. But now, they turn you into a monster. When you perceive that it is not you that did it to them. It is them that did it to you and now they are getting a taste of the very same emotional medicine.
This is what happens in the case of the school shooter that no one can explain because on the outside, nothing seems to set them or the pain they experienced in life drastically apart from anyone else. Every other case offers more easy to understand elements that contributed to such an action.
It is critical to understand that each person’s perspective is very different. Nowhere is this truer than the perspective of a child and the perspective of an adult. For example, for an adult, the jealousy that a toddler may feel when a new baby enters the house should not be a big deal. To an adult, it should be exciting to welcome a new family member and it is something the kid should just get over. To the toddler I can promise you it is quite a different experience. If the parents don’t play that situation right from the get go, it is a massive betrayal. To put it in a way you can emotionally understand it, imagine that tomorrow, your spouse walks in the room and says, “I have decided to be in a relationship with this other person too. Oh and since it’s a new relationship, they are going to need more attention in the beginning. Don’t be jealous because only bad people are jealous. Eventually, you’ll get used to it.” And you are just expected to be ok with that. Chances are, you’d see that as petty abusive.
That is the emotional experience a child has when a new baby comes into a house where they had such an intimate relationship with mom and dad before when the introduction isn’t done well. But no one would ever call it abuse from the outside, even though it very much felt that way to the child. And believe me, many people never actually get over that experience even in their adulthood.
So if we are looking specifically for pain drastic enough by our external standards to constitute as abuse or to cause the kind of actions a school shooter carries out, but we are looking for that pain to be caused by something that we, being outside their perspective would consider to be “bad enough”, we are going to fail to see them, fail to see reality and fail to understand how to change this dynamic in society so these acts don’t occur.
School shooters contain an emotional void where true connection and human intimacy should be, but isn’t. And this connection is not something that can occur when you are simply around other people physically. And what the future will prove is that trauma (all be it trauma that most people don’t’ see) is the cause of both narcissistic personality traits and psychosis, which are two traits that are most common amongst school shooters for whom we cannot overtly see a traumatic experience to pin their behavior on. I will be talking at length in the future about this because it is not something that mainstream psychologists have caught up with yet.
There are some reasons why school shootings are getting so prevalent today.
One is that in this era of very fast awakening and shift in collective human consciousness, human shadow cannot hide in a closet anymore. Instead, it is coming out in plain view to be integrated.
Another reason is that we are being desensitized to violence on a mass scale. The media is making killing seem commonplace. And many of the video games that people are playing for hours upon hours cause the player to identify with the person carrying out the violence and in many cases shooting. And unfortunately, many of the people who suffer from emotional isolation and powerlessness tend to gravitate towards video games where they can exit their reality as well as identity and also carry out violent acts because it makes them feel less powerless. These violent movies and video games allow the person to see that it is possible to transform from a nobody with no personal power or significance into an earthly god who is above laws and empowered through aggression and violence.
But it is much harder for the brain to differentiate between the images it is seeing on a screen (as well as the feelings and associations caused by it) and reality than we currently know. When we desensitize our brain to violence, we no longer feel there being a drastic gap between what is occurring physically and what is occurring in the mind. There is often a sense of dis-reality already present in the perception belonging to the people who carry out these acts. And we have to continue to increase the level of stimulation in order to feel the same chemical release on our brains. So there is often an escalation path they take, just like we see with addiction but relative to violence.
Another reason this is so prevalent today is that the people of today (even more so the children of today) have much, much more stressors thrown at them but with much, much less resources for dealing with it. We have become increasingly more and more isolated. When we used to live in tribe and then community, and then even with extended family, we had multiple people to go to for help regarding how to deal with stressors. If we couldn’t get connection from one person, we could find someone else to connect with. That is not the case today. The world is too hard for most of us to deal with. Which leaves us much less available to our children. But now, we have become so isolated in our own little households that we are all they have. And so, they have only the resources that we demonstrate to them to work with.
So for example, if we show them that the way to deal with emotion is to stuff it down and pretend it doesn’t exist, they will copy that. It will work horribly for them. But they don’t have anyone who deals with emotion in any other way to sit there with them and actually help them with how they are feeling. And our schools today are not a place where most kids can get these needs met and find these resources. They are places where many kids feel more isolated and more traumatized and more powerless and more disciplined instead of guided. School is a place that adds to emotional pain for most children alive today. It is even more so the case for the two most isolated kids in school 1. The social outcasts who are isolated in every way. 2. The social actors who are surrounded by other kids, but no one sees them because they are in a relationship not with them, but with the role they play.
Prevention of this kind of violence is necessary. And that goes much further than actually noticing the signs when they occur. There is often a degree of hinting with regards to attacks. They often try to recruit others to participate or tell people not to go to school on certain days or talk about what they want to do or engage in progressive forms of violence. We have to really take ownership of each other in society in that when we see these signs, we take responsibility to do something about them and in a loving way, not a way that isolates them further.
We need to make more resources available to all children so they have more tools available for how to deal with the stressors in their life. We need to be emotionally close and connected consistently with our children so they feel significant and develop empathy and feel as though they belong. Many people would imagine that most school shooters come from underprivileged circumstances. But this is not the case. Though there are school shootings that occur in impoverished and underprivileged demographics, it is not the norm because ironically in underprivileged areas, there is often more outreach of people providing resources outside the resources they get in the home as well as more of a banding together of community. This is not often the case in middle to upper class households where it is assumed the child is getting all the resources they need, when often the emotional resources they need are totally absent.
But the best form of prevention we have is to understand emotions and how to deal with them. We have to understand connection and genuine intimacy and to create it. And even though it would be good for this to happen at any point, this has ideally got to start before these people develop the emotional void so consistent with emotional neglect. Pain that is not properly addressed, either becomes directed externally or internally or both. In the worst cases of all, this means suicide, murder or both. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The emotional wakeup call.
The real reason these attacks are carried out is because a human being feels an insatiable need to emotionally connect and feel significant and empowered but for a vast variety of different reasons and conditions in their life, they have failed in every other way to get it to happen. I know this is not what meets the eye, because it seems like anyone who is killing people is trying to push people away from themselves. But in fact the opposite is true. And we need to have the awareness to see that in order to do what it will take to prevent it.
School shooting is not a problem with an individual. It is a problem created by society itself. We fail to connect to one another and really see, feel, hear and understand each other. And because of this emotional distance between each other, we feel the world is unsafe and renders us powerless. And because of our unconscious psychology, when we are put in this position, there are only two roles to identify with. A winner or a loser, the strong or the weak, a victim or a perpetrator. Because of this collective psychology, we are sending a mixed message. We may say at a societal level that killing is not ok. But look at what a superhero does in a movie. He kills all kinds of people and we look at him and call him good. The rift between the bad guy and the good guy is a rift that further separates us from one another. It is a rift that makes us alone and powerless to one another. And it is a rift that has to end.
Coping mechanisms are strategies and behaviors that are carried out to mitigate, manage or adapt to anything that causes distress. If we cope with something, we do so because we feel we cannot change the stressor itself. We have to adapt to it so that the hurt we feel as a result of it is decreased or eliminated. We would all hope for a world that did not have to be coped with. Alas, that is not the world we currently live in and so it must be said that even though all coping mechanisms hold the potential to be limiting and damaging to a person in the long run, certain coping mechanisms can be more detrimental than others. And the most dangerous coping mechanism is self-hate.
At first glance it may be hard to see how self-hate could possibly be a coping mechanism. After all, self-hate can’t possibly decrease a person’s distress can it? The answer is yes it can. And to see how, we much journey back to the genesis of this coping mechanism.
When we look at a dysfunctional home, what we find is that the root of each person’s self concept in the family system is shame. This feeling of shame has been passed down from generation to generation. It is the primary stressor in the household. Everyone has to find a way to cope with that shame. The ways they cope with that shame set up the dysfunctional family system and determine what role each person will play in it.
To understand how self hate develops, we must see that if one or more of the parents is dealing with a baseline self concept of shame, a child being different to that parent in any way or even asserting a boundary will trigger that feeling of shame. It will invalidate their identity, which they already subconsciously think is bad. This is why the golden child in a family will learn to cope by throwing their identity out the window as a strategy to avoid being shamed and ostracized within the family. They will become a ‘mini me’ as an adaptive strategy to the parent they feel they must please in order to stay safe with.
The child that cannot adapt by throwing their identity out the window and whom can’t find a way to please the adult consistently for a multitude of reasons will be so upsetting to the self concept of the parent that the parent will subconsciously turn against the child. They may say, “I love you” to this child and try to do loving things for them, but the truth of how they really feel is not what they are presenting on the surface and the truth comes out in all kinds of ways. Their only way of avoiding the shame they feel and the shame this child triggers in them is to emotionally disown the child and deflect that shame onto the child and that child then becomes the family scapegoat. It is to say, “I’m not bad, you’re bad and you are my problem and now I’m the victim to you, and so is everyone else in the household.” The family can then hide all of their dysfunction behind this “family problem” person and can see themselves as the good ones because all of their focus can be placed on trying to fix what is “wrong” with this person. What is wrong with them is that everyone in the family has turned against them for being different and for not being able to change that. But the other people in the house can’t see this. This person has become the identified patient in the family.
The experience of being turned against by the very people who you need love and belonging from the very most is so painful it is beyond describing. And it makes it so the child has no way to feel safe. They feel hated by their family, especially the parent who initiates this shame deflection. They are growing up with an antagonist, an antagonist upon whom their life depends. And the way a person copes with this is genius in the short term but completely destructive in the long term.
A child put in this position, pushes themselves away. But they can’t physically do that so what happens is the pushing away of themselves, splits their consciousness in half. To understand more about this concept, watch my video called Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. When they split their consciousness in half, one half contains the parts within them that they perceive that their parent hates. The other half becomes a mirror image of their parent… An internal antagonist. This internal antagonist takes over the job of hating them for the parent. It becomes the one that is constantly shaming and criticizing the parts within this person that are seen as wrong and bad by the parent and now as a result, by the person themselves. This makes the hurt not only controllable, but predictable. And the child believes that by doing this, they might just be able to change the things that are so detestable about them. The person has become their own abuser and hater so that the antagonistic parent is never given the occasion or opportunity to do it. Imagine you were going to go up to someone to hit them and they just started hitting themselves. What would you do? Chances are, the desire to hurt them would go away. You’d feel on an energetic level that your goal was already being carried out. You would feel like either something is really wrong with them so they must need your help or that they agree that they deserve it to such a degree that they are going to do it for you. This would make you feel validated. This is usually the point at which the parent gets an extra boost of self-esteem through turning themselves into the “false healer” and the child is turned into an identified patient.
As you can see, this self-hating aspect is actually trying to save their life and rescue them from the wrath of the parent. This part holds the truths of what matters most to them. For example, perhaps what the parent hated about the child was that she was so sensitive. The self-hating part will constantly criticize and shame her for being sensitive. Because the thought is that with enough disapproval of it, she will either stop being that way or be motivated to fix it. And this will get her the sense of belonging and safety she wants. We can then tell that the truth this self-hating aspect holds is just how important belonging and safety are and how much she needs those things. Ideally, we need to figure out these valued and needed things that the self hater is holding the truth of and try to get those things directly in the places that we can get them from.
Self hate is a coping mechanism that is so dangerous because it is a coping mechanism that may keep you safer from the external hater/antagonist, but it leads to constant anxiety because you are living with a part that behaves like an enemy in your own skin. And it leads to all kinds of dangerous behaviors in the long term. Things like risk taking, abusive relationships, self-destructive behaviors, self-injury and even suicide.
When you find this part within you, see the benevolent reason for its existence. See that its strategy, though genius while you were living in an abusive environment, is now destroying your ability to live a life that is worth living. See that the parts of you that this part has turned against, need to be accepted and loved instead. Go directly for the things you were trying to indirectly get by trying to hate these parts of you away. Give them to yourself and get them from others. The life you want to live is just on the other side of wanting to be you instead of agreeing with your antagonistic parent that you should be someone else.
A while back I did a video called Meaning, The Self-Destruct Button. In that video, I demonstrated how the meaning you assign to an experience can destroy your life. Today, I’m going to show you how meaning can save your life. I’m going to show you how finding meaning and a way to make the things you do really matter, will totally transform your quality of life.
Fulfillment is a feeling we are all looking for in life. We want to feel fulfilled by the things that we are doing. We want the things we do to really matter. We want a life that is rich with meaning. But all too often we feel like we are just going through the motions of life, getting busy with the emptiness of the things that we feel must or should be done.
We need to take two approaches to making our life rich with meaning through living our life for what matters. The first is to make sure that everything we are doing actually matters. The second is to realize that if we change the meaning of what we are doing, we can make most of what doesn’t seem to matter, deeply matter.
When we take the first approach, we take a serious look at whether what we are doing really matters or not. And we then live our life according to what really matters. We stop putting our energy into the things that we realize really don’t matter. One of the greatest gifts of lying on your death bed or experiencing a near death experience or even of having someone you love die, is that it puts all things into perspective. It shows you what really matters. One of the best tools to use in your life on an ongoing basis is to practice closing your eyes and imaging that you are on your deathbed but you are looking back at whatever you are currently and in this moment trying to make a decision about, whatever you are putting your energy into, whatever you are worrying about, whatever you are doing or thinking about doing. And ask yourself, does this matter? If the answer is no, stop putting energy into it and find something else that matters to put your energy into. If the answer is yes, ask yourself why for the sake of your own awareness. And put energy into it. For example, does doing this video really matter? Yes. Because I feel that by doing this, I will be showing people how to really live while they are here. And the value of this kind of information will outlive even my own temporary life. Only you can know what really matters to you. Start to live every thought and word and action in your life according to what matters.
When we take the second approach, we can look at anything we are doing, any activity, and we can change the way we look at it so that doing it can really matter and really have meaning. For example, I could decide that doing the dishes in the sink really does not matter. It is just something that has to be done. But what if I realized that doing the dishes takes pressure off of other people in the house and that frees them up to experience more things that they enjoy? Then doing the dishes does matter. Doing the dishes does have deep meaning.
Or for example, I may have a terrible customer support job at a cell phone company that I hate. I may tell myself that my job does not matter and that there is no meaning in what I am doing. But what if I realized that making someone’s phone work might just be the thing that makes it so they can have the talk that saves their relationship or what if making someone’s phone work is the reason that someone sees an amber alert and actually reports the whereabouts of a child that is stolen. Then, suddenly your job really matters.
Sometimes, we cannot change the fact that something we are putting our energy into does not really matter and does not hold deep meaning. But often we can change the meaning we assign to the things we are putting our energy into and as a result, we can make the things that seem to not matter, really matter. This is one of the deep meanings behind the old Buddhist sayings “before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water and after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” This saying conveys that enlightenment does not change what you are doing in your life. It does not make you any less human. What does change however is that the way you see those simple activities, and the meaning you assign to doing them, changes the quality of doing them completely. Before, chopping wood and carrying water was a chore that had to be done… Something you had to mindlessly get out of the way before doing something that actually mattered to you. After, chopping wood and carrying water has great meaning.
A little tip is that you will notice that most of the things that really matter and most of the meaning that enriches your life are things that create and enhance your connection with other people. We need to be living our lives from both perspectives simultaneously. If we live with both the strategy of making sure that anything we are doing really matters and also of finding a way to look at the things we are doing in terms of why they really do matter, our life will be so rich with meaning and our life will matter so much, we will feel we have really and truly lived.
In today’s world, the word own has become a dirty word. It has such a negative connotation that chances are, when you saw the title of this article, you felt a minor shock wave of fear and even offense.
Ownership is associated with possession. The problem with this is that possession is a concept that in and of itself has both a light side and a dark side. This dark side reflects the shadow of mankind’s limited consciousness. To possess something is to have that thing in that it belongs to you. This is actually the positive side of possession. It is an inclusion-based concept. To love something is to take it as part of yourself. This means it automatically belongs with and to you and so you have it.
Where possession goes dark is that the second meaning of possession is to have complete power over that thing that you have. This is the negative side of possession. But what if I told you that this second part of possession has nothing to do with possession or ownership in and of itself? Un-awakened men simply decided, at the mercy of their own fears and therefore impulse towards power, that to have something meant to control it completely. But this is in fact the opposite of true ownership.
If you have a negative association with ownership, it is because you suffered from being controlled, which is shadow ownership. Someone decided that you belonged to them like an object, but that you were not a part of them and so you were powerless and your best interests were never seen or cared for. You have never experienced true ownership.
To truly own something is to see it as part of yourself. If you see something as part of yourself, it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself. You cannot usurp its free will without harming yourself. Therefore, in true ownership, which is for something to be a part of you and therefore to belong to you, the best interests of that other thing is of the utmost concern.
So much damage has been done by us throwing out the concept of ownership in our relationships with one another. When we do not own other people as part of ourselves, we feel no responsibility to them. We take ourselves to be totally separate from each other, we think of them as ‘other’. We are in fact much more at risk of playing a zero sum game, where we are looking to win and for them to lose. We become self centered and are only in relationships as a transaction, a means to an end. We are not in relationships for connection itself, where to have that connection, we must see, feel, hear and understand the other person.
To explain this dynamic further, let’s look at an area within society that has been greatly impacted by the move away from ownership… Men and women. For thousands of years, women were considered to be the property of men. But most men did not take women as part of themselves in this ownership. They did not consider the best interests of their wives or daughters or even sons for that matter. They just took possession to mean they got to control them however they wanted. They were totally in the form of shadow possession. But when the feminist movement came through and demolished the idea that a woman is the property of a man, men were forced to relinquish possession of women. They let go of all ownership towards the women in their lives. This did not only mean the bad form of possession, it meant the good form too. Relationships between men and women have suffered immensely.
Women enjoyed the sense of containment, belonging and safety they got from being owned by men. Now, one of the top complaints you will see in couple therapy on the part of the woman is that a man takes no direct responsibility for anything. He doesn’t take direct responsibility for her wellbeing or the wellbeing of the kids. The man is “hands off”. Now to many women it feels like either being in a relationship alone or like the man is another child or like she is being exploited by him. It feels like instead of really owning her and the family as his own and therefore providing containment and taking care of them through his own volition, he lets her do it all and simply participates to the degree that he is either nagged to participate or whenever he can get something from her, like sex.
When women complain about where the cowboys went to or watch Jane Austin films and get turned on by them, this is the quality they are looking for and are missing in modern men. If you are interested in trying to understand the energy of true ownership, I suggest you watch a movie titled: Rob Roy, in which the main character, Rob Roy portrays positive masculine ownership and the villain, Archibald Cunningham portrays the exact opposite; non-ownership. Watch this movie with the idea of ownership of others specifically in mind. Simply keep in mind that at this time period, people did not understand the idea of ownership of all things, including one’s enemies, as part of themselves. This is a graduated, conscious understanding.
No one can tell you the negative side of no ownership quite like orphans, foster care kids, illegitimate children, family black sheep or the children that suffer emotional neglect in childhood. When children are in any one of these positions, no one owns them so as to become genuinely invested in their wellbeing. No one takes them as part of themselves and so they feel they do not belong. They feel pushed away. They are starved of so many emotional needs. Things like love, understanding, belonging, containment, emotional intimacy and protection. Regardless of what the physical dimension may look like, the truth is that they are exposed and alone, and must fend for themselves. Even if they are around people and even if they have caretakers, those caretakers do not provide genuine security. They simply make sure the kid does not physically die. To be genuinely owned is the desire of anyone who grew up with this trauma. They often are so hurt by the absence of ownership that they dream of even having the shadow form of possession, where someone is invested enough that they control their every action.
To be truly owned is also the desire of people who experienced the opposite trauma… Shadow possession. In shadow possession, it seems on the outside like the adult completely and entirely owns the child. This takes the form of total control. The child in this environment doesn’t get to have any boundaries. This person grows up with a HUGE aversion to ownership. They fight to have a sense of self and autonomy. What they don’t know is that they were never really owned either. What they desperately crave is to be able to have their own personal thoughts, needs, wants, preferences and feelings but also be able to belong with someone and be close to someone and have them. They desperately crave for their self hood to be acknowledged and their unique best interests to be considered. This is only possible with true ownership where you cannot take someone as part of yourself and therefore belonging to you, without genuinely considering them and capitalizing on their best interests. In true ownership, it can only ever be a win-win.
When we were not owned, or when we were shadow owned, we don’t own the people in our lives. We perpetuate the trauma of non-ownership. We either control them and don’t take their best interests into account or leave them in a constant state of insecurity and pressure because we treat them as totally separate to us. If you look at the most extreme forms of pain on our planet, you can trace it to a lack of genuine ownership. We do not own anything that we want to have be separate from us. Therefore, we refuse to own homeless people. So they die every day on the street. We refuse to own prisoners so we punish them and lock them away. We shadow own children, so we treat them as if they are dolls instead of people. We shadow own little girls and sell them in the sex trade. We refuse to own people of other colors, social classes, genders, cultures and religions as part of our collective humanity and so we feel no responsibility towards their wellbeing and in fact go to war against them. And we refuse to own the part of us that we don’t want to have be part of us, so we remain internally fragmented, which makes internal peace impossible.
A sense of ownership is what causes us to take care of the thing we feel that sense of ownership towards. We are committed to it. It makes that thing or that person’s best interests indivisible from our own best interests. It makes it so our commitment is to find a win-win scenario, which is the basis of trust. A sense of ownership is a divine responsibility. And so, it is with this in mind that I tell you. The time has some for us to separate the shadow form of possession from the light form of possession and start to really own each other. The utopia we have been dreaming of will not come to be unless we begin to own all things we see as “other” (human or otherwise) as part of ourselves. To truly integrate something is to truly own in. To truly love something is to truly own it.
Chances are if you are watching this, you have been on the path of spirituality and/or self help for long enough to have encountered several teachers, experts and leaders. But chances are, you do not clearly see the most common dysfunction among them because they do not see this dysfunction in themselves. This most common dysfunction is a direct contradiction to the very healing they profess to stand for. And it is a dynamic that can turn dangerous.
I did a video a while back called Fragmentation, The World Wide Disease. If you have not watched that video already, I highly suggest that you watch it now and then come back to this video because it will greatly enhance your understanding of this dynamic.
The process of life in which we encounter trauma, takes us out of a state of wholeness. It fragments us into parts. If we do not have a way to resolve and thus integrate that trauma we experience when we are young, we must dissociate from it. Our consciousness splits in order to cope with it.
Consciousness itself functions like water. At the moment of trauma, when we dissociate, part of our consciousness branches off from our main consciousness. Our consciousness splits, just like the river does. It is an act of self-preservation. It is easier to comprehend of this process of splitting that is fragmentation in terms of how it effects our being by imagining that when our consciousness splits as the result of trauma, our ego splits in two. Our sense of self becomes fragmented. So even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple polarized selves.
There is a split between the vulnerable self and the self that coped with that vulnerability so as to self preserve. This is super important because we identify with, embody and accept inside ourselves only one polarity and reject, deny, suppress and disown the opposite polarity. We identify with the parts of ourselves that coped to self-preserve. These aspects protected us. They allowed us to stay as far away from our vulnerability as possible. But in this state, we are unhealed and we in fact cause fragmentation in others when we are coming from this place. Healing from this fragmentation is all about becoming whole again. But as you will see, this is the opposite of what most experts in spirituality and self-help are doing.
To explain this dynamic that is occurring within so many teachers in this field, I will reveal the most common split that occurs within them as well as its origins. Most people in the spiritual and self-help field come from a childhood with extremely painful emotional dynamics. Many of these dynamics, such as emotional neglect, they themselves do not recognize. Most of them ended up in a position where at a VERY young age, an age where their emotional and even physical needs were not being met reliably and they could not meet those needs for themselves, they experienced trauma. Imagine a baby lying in a crib needing contact comfort or being hungry and not getting that need met, being made to cry themselves to sleep. The level of powerlessness can be so intense that what occurs is a fragmentation, a split within the being’s consciousness between the temporal self (the body) and the conscious perspective (often referred to as the mind). The dissociation that occurs at this level mimics a near death experience where the conscious perspective returns to a perspective that transcends the physical dimension. It is for lack of a better way of describing it ‘higher dimensional perspective’. This was what allowed them to self preserve… To get away from the terrible powerlessness of the infant perspective and the starvation because its needs were not being met. The person then identifies with this part of themselves and rejects, denies and disowns their temporal self. By doing so, he or she becomes inauthentic, not the whole truth of themselves.
He or she mistakes the transcendental perspective self for all of who he or she is. He or she calls it their “real self”. They have no idea that all that is happening is they are coping through identification with this part and rejecting their temporal self. Imagine how dangerous it could be to confuse one fragment within yourself as all of who you are, as your real self, as your soul or as your higher self. To understand more about this dynamic, watch my video titled: The sad truth about most gurus.
There is an old saying, “No disguise could be better for the Devil than Christ” Any part within us is in fact part of the ego. So there could be no disguise better for the ego than an identity that doesn’t see itself as ego. There could be no better disguise for the ego than a transcendental self.
This particular identification with only the transcendental part of oneself is the most dangerous identification to have for many reasons.
In a multi dimensional universe, different dimensions have different and often contradictory laws. For example, from the physical dimension, death is a reality. From a higher dimensional reality, death is an illusion. In the physical reality, pain can destroy someone’s life. From a higher dimension, pain is also an illusion. From a higher dimensional reality, where no resistance exists, if you focus on pain, you fuel pain, which only creates more of it. From another dimension, where resistance exists, if you ignore, suppress and deny pain, it only gets bigger. From a higher dimension, you chose into this life to experience exactly what you experienced. From a lower dimensional reality, you created your reality because of your focus and from an even lower dimensional reality, you did not chose to be abused at 3 and then lose your husband and then die of cancer.
What we tend to do if we are fragmented and selectively identified our self is that we tend to do the same thing to the universe that we do within ourselves. Within ourselves, certain parts of us reject, invalidate and deny the reality of other parts. So what we do externally is we use higher dimensional truths to invalidate and deny lower dimensional truths. We cannot hold space for the idea that BOTH are in fact true and must be equally seen as real. You have all heard these types of statements… The physical dimension is not real, it is just a hologram. Pain is just illusion. You came down to this dimension to concern yourself with only your own personal expansion and therefore joy so you are supposed to be focused on yourself and let everyone else sort themselves out. They committed suicide because that was the best path to their own freedom and so it is all perfect.
Many times the spiritual aspect of oneself, the one that a guru or spiritual teacher is identified with, is able to resonate at a frequency so high that they have access to 11th dimensional awareness. It is a perspective that is objectively true, so as long as a teacher takes that part of themselves to be ALL of who they are because they see it as the ultimate truth, it will be impossible to argue with them in any way about their perspective. Because from a higher perspective, they are 100% right. But they are right only from that perspective. They refuse to accept any parts of themselves that resonate at a lower frequency, like their body, as true. They believe their temporal aspect is the illusion and is false. By believing this, they propagate and embody fragmentation. They in fact campaign for fragmentation and selective identification. This ultimately leads to death because a person cannot stay alive if the gap between the physical aspect and non physical aspect of themselves becomes too wide.
This kind of teacher, which is the vast majority of them, campaigns for fragmentation indirectly. They teach it to those that follow them. They will teach their following to fragment and selectively identify in the exact same way that they have done to cope. They make the polarization within a person much, much worse to extremely detrimental ends. If a person is in pain, they may tell them, “it is illusion”. They may teach you to deprive your physical body and deny instincts and needs in order to reach the truth of who you are. They may teach you to tap emotions away when they arise to be integrated. They may tell you that any pain that arises is just the ego and by dis-identifying with it (and not engaging with it further), you become awakened because the ego is trying to prevent awakening. If one of your loved ones dies, they will tell you that death doesn’t really exist and grief is just the refusal to see this. They may have sex with disciples and say, “it’s to heal them sexually”. They may go so far as to create something like Jonestown because they refuse to see that there is any value in this physical earth. Bottom line, this teacher hurts people and this teacher teaches their following to propagate further fragmentation in themselves, the EXACT opposite of integration and therefore healing. What they are teaching is ego, simply an ego dressed in a spiritual disguise.
This kind of teacher does not see what they are doing as harmful. To the opposite, they see integration as harmful. They see accepting your temporal aspect as real as falling prey to illusion. They see embracing your vulnerability as weakness that prevents you from creating the life you want to create. They see acknowledging death and loss as ignorance. They see validating pain as fueling illusion. They see acknowledging the part of one’s self that feels like a victim as propagating victim mentality. They see the purpose of physical life to be transcending it. And the list goes on and on. This kind of teacher is completely inauthentic but is convinced they are the most authentic. This teacher is in more denial than most of the people who are totally lost in the matrix. Therefore they, themselves are in fact preventing themselves from actualizing, awakening, enlightenment, wholeness and oneness. And they are in turn preventing it in their following that holds themselves to the same standards, beliefs and practice.
If you are following this kind of teacher, you will feel increasingly like parts of you are shameful and are therefore to be moved away from or transcended. This teacher will seem to transcend human reality and not admit to any human aspects like emotions, attachments, desires, needs or reactions within themselves. You will constantly feel like you are failing to meet the standards they put forth and seem to represent. This teacher cannot be in a space of AND consciousness. For example, instead of being able to see “yes, no death exists at the level of consciousness itself but also this person has died in the physical and so there is a great loss”. They will only be able to see “no, there is no death, it is only an illusion and feeling loss means you’re in that illusion”. For more information about this, watch my video titled: And Consciousness, The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way.
In the future, as more people become aware of this terrifying dynamic within themselves, two distinct camps will begin to form within the spiritual and self help field. 1. Those who believe in integration as the path to awakening and whom walk that path (integration of vulnerability and strength, powerlessness and empowerment, dark and light). 2. And those who still and often unknowingly side with selective identification as the path to awakening (denying vulnerability so as to be strong, denying powerlessness to feel empowered, embracing only light).
To be a teacher of integration is to expose the parts of yourself that are human and to not make those traits “less than or unacceptable”. To be a teacher of integration puts people into a state of cognitive dissonance where they are forced to either discredit you based on your humanity or to be able to accept the totality of a teacher being both human and beyond human simultaneously. If they accept this reality, they are then able to accept it within themselves. No part of them is made the enemy. All parts are treated as equal partners playing different roles in their awakening.
As fractals of Source consciousness, we fragment ourselves in the same way that Source itself did. But now, Source is turning the corner and is coming back into oneness. Within us, as fractals of source, this takes the shape of a resolution of all polarities within us. It looks like standing between all opposites and bringing them together instead of siding with one or another. This is extremely brave work that will involve developing a capacity to feel shame and fear instead of run from feeling it. We have shame and fear about anything we have suppressed or denied or rejected within ourselves. Re-owning those parts means facing that shame and fear. But true inner peace and as a result, external peace is waiting for us on the other side of this process of integration.
And so I ask you to consider, what if your spiritual aspect, the one that is transcendental and that has so much awareness, was not in fact the real you, but was just one part within you… A part that at the moment you are completely identified with to the degree that you dismiss and undervalue and minimize the others?
When people start off on the path of healing something, they often do so with a feeling of excitement and empowerment. We feel like we have the power to actually create the feel good life that we want. Any time we find a new tool to heal with or approach to healing or new process and we experience some healing with it, we feel like we have finally found THE answer and that in no time, we will be completely healed. We will be living a healthy life of total bliss and harmony. And then something terrible happens. We hit something else that needs to be healed.
I don’t need to explain this dynamic much deeper because chances are, if you are even watching this video, you know exactly what it feels like to hit the terrible disappointment and overwhelm and hopelessness that comes with the experience of healing something only to find something else is unhealed and to heal that only to find out that something else needs to be healed. And to heal that only to find out that something else needs to be healed.
To level with you, it starts to feel like you are just one never ending fucked up onion. This not only kills your self-concept, it kills your hope that you will ever achieve the perfect life you have been envisioning for yourself… Maybe it doesn’t matter if other people seem to be getting better, you are just so damaged that there is no way to fully heal. And let’s be honest, you don’t want your life to be condemned to the process of painstakingly trying to put something that shattered back together again. After all, you will most likely die trying. Maybe the law of attraction people have it right and the more you focus on healing, the more there is that needs to be healed. So maybe you should just stop trying to heal and distract yourself with positive focus. Maybe the truth is, there is no end to healing.
If you are feeling this way in your awakening journey or in your healing process, the first thing that needs to happen is you need to hear the following: Welcome to the club. You are so not alone in this feeling. And hitting this point in your healing process is absolutely universal. But then, you need to know the following:
Anything that has a beginning has to automatically have an end. This is the universal law of polarity. So, if there was a beginning to your wounding, (which there was) there is also an end to it and we call this the state of being healed. Even universally speaking, universal fragmentation (which is universal wounding) began with the thought “I”. This means that even universal fragmentation will come to an end. The opposite of fragmentation is that which is beyond ‘oneness’. If you want to understand this concept, watch my video titled: Oneness Is Not The Ultimate Truth Of The Universe. This means for any of you who recognize that as a fractal of the universe, you are not just healing your own fragmentation, but the world’s and the universe’s fragmentation, yes there is even an end to that.
The resistance that you have to healing will be greatly reduced by understanding what healing is exactly. Healing is the process of positively changing a pattern. It is to experience the opposite. For example, to heal loneliness is to experience togetherness. To heal a broken bone is to mend it. It is to go from fragmented to whole. It is to go from unwanted to wanted. Healing is therefore about desire. Therefore personal expansion is about healing. This means the entire process of universal expansion is about healing and you came here to life for personal and universal expansion so healing is essentially what you came here to life for.
No one is born on earth without opting into unhealed ancestral patterns. No one experiences life on earth without experiencing what is unwanted. Trauma is currently a fact of life. Every person is here to heal many things. Most people simply do not realize this. Most people are busy pretending they have nothing to heal because of the cultural stigma and sense of failure associated with something being wrong with you. We make the fact that we have healing to do, mean that something is wrong with us. This is odd because it means we have judged that where we are is wrong. The healing of things creates universal expansion. This means if you are in the process of healing, nothing is wrong with you. It means you are alive. If you want to know more about healing, I suggest you watch my video titled: What Is Healing?
We tend to look at healing like we look at a dirty kitchen. We feel like it is something we have to get done and that we can’t really start living or feeling good until it is entirely done. This is daunting if we have opted into a life where we are particularly wounded and therefore particularly fragmented. When we look at healing like this, we get the same feeling that we experience when a colossal knot gets tied in fishing line. We feel like there is no point, it’s too hard, we should just cut the line. But I want you to realize that literally any time you heal anything, you will feel just that much better and your life will get just that much better. The process of healing is more like cleaning a window covered in dust and cobwebs. You don’t have to clean the whole thing so that light can finally get in. Each inch you clean lets that much more light into the room. This means the better it gets, the better it gets. You can and will feel good.
Even though there is absolutely an end to the process of healing, the process of healing will get better if you stop focusing on needing there to be an end. The closer you can get to not caring if there is ever an end, the less the process of healing will cause you to suffer. You don’t want to spend your whole life feeling shitty cause you aren’t where you want to be and judging where you are as wrong. Ask yourself a question: How could I fall in love with the process of healing? How could I fall in love with the process of finding out how to change something unwanted into its wanted opposite? In my next point, I am going to tell you the reason to approach healing in this way especially if you have committed to the path of awakening.
When people have a personal enlightenment experience, like Buddha did, we could say that they have fully individually healed. They have fully integrated on an individual level. But the individual awakening puts you back at square one in a way because part of personal enlightenment is to realize that you and the universe are one and the same. You are essentially a fractal of the universe at large. The universe is therefore within you, not just external to you. And this means that even if you have awoken, if there is even one person on earth that has not, you cannot be fully awake. This is the point at which most awakened beings become teachers and healers in an in alignment way. This is the point at which healing is no longer simply an individual process, it is a process that involves the entire world and more than that. The universe at large. There can be no division between individual and collective healing. If there is a war happening in the world, there is a war within you. We can address this world both externally and internally because they are one and the same.
But when we realize where we are as a universe and where the world is and where human beings are, it is easy to see how many things there are to heal. We will most likely spend a lifetime or hundreds of lifetimes and the human race alone will not be fully healed. We don’t even know consciously what a fully ‘healed’ human looks like. Instead of giving up because it is too much of a daunting task to face, we can see that we simply need to focus on whatever is in front of us at the moment. Healing will happen one step at a time and the better it gets, the better it gets.
While we are focusing on healing, essentially closing the gap between where we are and where we want to be, what we have and what we want, we can greatly improve the process by not trying to avoid the process and to the opposite, not trying to rush the process to get it all done. We can focus on what is already healed within us. Any gratitude practice or positive focus practice will help us in this respect. We can also do things just for the simple enjoyment of it. You are here to really live the experience of healing. This means if you manage to go from loneliness to togetherness, revel in it. Do things that are fun. Do things that make you smile and laugh and feel inspired. Soak it up. Don’t just look for the next thing to heal. You can live while you are healing.
Never approach healing as if you are trying to fix yourself. When people experience the feeling that doing shadow work only leads to more shadows or that trying to heal yourself only leads to more things to heal most often occurs in people who focus on healing as if something needs to be fixed. When we focus at ourselves or at other people as if something needs to be fixed, we are focusing at ourselves or them with an attitude of ‘something is wrong with you’. This makes it so law of attraction lines us up only with more and more things being wrong with us. When this is the case, often what we need to do to heal is to focus at ourselves so as to see what is right about us. It means that the healing is in learning to be unconditionally with ourselves with approval as we are instead of trying to change ourselves.
There is no way out but through it. We are hard wired to avoid pain. We are always looking for the relief. If we put our hand on the hot stove, we take it off. We all want to get out of pain. So often the ways that we use to get out of pain only compounds the problem. Even though we feel temporarily better, like with Novocain, it does nothing to create actual healing and as is the case with so many of our coping mechanisms, in fact only wounds us further. In some cases, as is the case when part of the healing process involves grief, the only way out is to go completely through it. This means we have to make negative emotion and pain something we are willing to feel in order to feel better. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The Emotional Wakeup Call. The healing of the collective human consciousness is dependent upon us creating a society where we can make room for pain. You currently live in a world that has made only positive things, like positive emotions and success and being healed, acceptable. This is a world that sees anything less than this as a failure. This prevents people from healing. It prevents people from admitting to where they are and taking the sometimes counterintuitive steps they need to take in order to heal. It is ok to not be ok. It isn’t what you want for yourself or for anyone else. But pain is not the enemy. Neither is negative emotion. All it is, is information that you aren’t where you want to be or that something needs your loving attention so that it can be healed and integrated. We need to learn to go toward the pain with our consciousness to truly heal and truly awaken. The only way out… is in.
Nothing is permanent. There will be times, especially if what you are healing is states of powerlessness, where it will feel like the unwanted state will never, ever end and that you can do nothing to end it. But it is in fact impossible in a world that operates according to the universal laws that are in place here for anything that has a beginning to not have an end. It is also impossible in a universe with these universal laws to desire something that cannot happen. It is only possible to not know exactly how to make them happen at the current moment. But finding out how to create what we desire is the juice of life. It is so much of what you came here to experience.
I know that sometimes it feels like the healing process will never end. But it can and it will. But you can get to the place where because the better it gets, the better it gets, you will not really care if it ends. In fact the process of healing is what you will feel like you get the greatest joy out of.
Before you continue reading this article, I want you to stop to answer this question without looking up any definitions or involving any one else’s opinion: What is healing? What does it mean to heal?
Healing is one of those things that is a part of every person’s life but we all conceptualize of it differently. We know that healing implies some form of positive change. But we often feel confused about what it entails and how exactly to achieve healing.
When it comes to our physical bodies, when we say healing, we usually conceptualize of it meaning to return to or to achieve a state of wholeness and health where we are free from illness or injury. When it comes to our emotions and mind, we usually conceptualize of it meaning to get over something so we feel good emotionally and are thinking positive thoughts. But this way of conceptualizing of healing leads to genuine confusion. It makes healing into not only an abstract concept, but also it turns the process of healing into a kind of ‘quest for the holy grail’.
Today, I’m going to explain what healing actually is on the most fundamental level of our existence. And by knowing this, you will not only understand what healing actually is, you will have understand the strategy for how to achieve it.
TO HEAL IS TO EXPERIENCE THE OPPOSITE
At the most fundamental level, everything is energy. Energy is simply potential energy until different patterns arise within that energy. These patterns are what dictates whether energy ultimately becomes a toothbrush or an emotion or a tree. Patterns are like the blueprint of your physical existence. Because everything is a pattern, all forms of illness are also specific patterns. And to heal something is to change that pattern. Therefore, the first layer to understand about healing is that to heal is to change a pattern. It is the opposite of repetition and redundancy. Now we must look at how to change a pattern.
When something is unhealed, it is exhibiting a pattern that we don’t like. It is in a state that is unwanted. Therefore, we can greatly simplify healing in that it is a change of a pattern that is unwanted into a pattern that is wanted. This usually entails changing it into the opposite pattern. Therefore, the second layer to understand about healing is that healing is to experience the opposite.
Now that you understand that to heal is to change a pattern into the opposite, let’s see how it works practically in several different scenarios.
If our leg is broken, to change that pattern of broken into its opposite is to put together/ mend.
If we feel demeaned, to heal is to feel valued.
If we are traumatized by snakes, to heal is to form a different association with snakes so that instead of feeling negative towards them, we feel positive towards them.
If we are lonely, to heal is to achieve togetherness.
If we are chronically thinking that money is hard to get, to heal is to be able to think the thought that money comes easily.
If we are abused to heal is to be treated lovingly.
If we feel powerless, to heal is to feel empowered.
If we are stuck, to heal is to be able to move.
THE ROOT TO PHYSICAL AILMENTS
The answer then for how to heal is simply to figure out how to go from point a to point b. For example, how to go from being alone to being with people. Where this gets complex for most people is in the realm of physical ailment. The reason is that the patterns involved in physical ailment are not purely physical. For example, we could look at cancer and say that if cancer is abnormal cell growth and division, to heal cancer is to be free of those abnormal cells and for the body to achieve normal cell growth and division. However, what most people do not know is that underlying every physical ailment is an underlying problem in consciousness. Another way of saying this is that there is a mental and emotional root to all physical ailments.
Cancer occurs when the consciousness loses control over its own cells that make up the body. These cells cease to follow the signals that tell them what to do in the body. They go rogue. This occurs because the pattern that has been adopted by the consciousness of the individual is perceiving oneself to be out of control and therefore powerless. This is the main reason why cancer is so prevalent now a days. We feel more and more powerless and out of control in our own lives. But depending on the type of cancer, the feeling of being out of control and therefore powerless is relative to different things. Each organ in the body corresponds to different types of consciousness.
To give you a few examples, the stomach relates to our capacity to accept things. The breasts relate to responsibility relative to others and to the giving of love. The bones relate to our experience of foundation and support. Therefore, for the sake of your understanding of healing as it applies to cancer, I will greatly simplify the idea of healing cancer in this way: The real underlying cause of bone cancer would be feeling totally out of control and therefore powerless to creating a stable foundation in your life which includes the experience of having support. Therefore healing bone cancer would in fact be about feeling empowered to and capable of creating a stable foundation in your life, which includes the experience of having support.
CANCER IS ABOUT CHILDHOOD GRIEF
The reason that so many people say that cancer is always about childhood grief is because these patterns in our consciousness that lead to cancer in specific areas always have their roots in our childhood experiences. This is usually when we adopt these patterns in our consciousness. For example, a child growing up with parents who are either absent or living in their own realities may feel like they have no stability or support and if this person does not find something else in their life outside mom and dad to create that experience for them, they would be at risk for bone disorders, including (if they feel totally powerless to create it) bone cancer.
Yes, it is at this point that all parents, including myself are about to collapse on the floor from the torment, fear and pressure of feeling like we could potentially doom our children’s future with the slightest mistake. I realize that because so much of our suffering has its roots in childhood experience as well as ancestral patterns that we opt into in this life, that parenting seems more terrifying to most of you by the second. I will do an episode on this in the future so that parents don’t die of nervous stress. But for this episode, I only introduce this point about the kind of patterns in consciousness that underlie physical ailments so as to help you to better understand healing.
To heal anything, we must ‘experience the opposite’. We must experience what is wanted, instead of what is unwanted. And this is why healing is the premise of universal expansion. Once we achieve whatever state is wanted, we are then free to give rise to new desire. It is desire that is always calling universal consciousness into the new; beyond where universal consciousness has been before. So knowing this, anytime you feel you need to heal something, but healing that thing feels abstract to you, look at the current state of whatever it is that is unhealed. Become conscious of its current pattern and from there, figure out what the opposite pattern would be. The process of healing then is before you. It is the process of going from point a to point b, from the unwanted experience to the wanted experience. And there are so many ways to do that, which is why so many different people succeed at healing with so many different approaches.
I have been traveling the world and will continue to do so with the message that it is ok to not be ok. We live in a society that is obsessed with happiness. The message is that if you aren’t feeling happy, something must be terribly wrong with you. But today, we are going to look at another dynamic. We are going to look a barrier to happiness, which is when the only way to be ok is to not be ok.
In human society, envy is a reality of human existence. It does not feel good to feel less than. It does not feel good to feel like you can’t have something you want that someone else has. Envy makes people perceive a huge grand canyon between themselves and the other person. When we are not conscious enough of what is going on, we end up simply reacting to the pain. When we react to the pain of envy, we seek to remedy the gap between us and them by pulling them backwards, trying to take away what they have that we don’t have, trying to prove that we are better then them and treating them like the enemy who is hurting us. This sets up a dynamic where even though we all want success and happiness, there is a certain amount of social risk involved in getting those things or letting other people know that we have them. Even though it is socially unsafe to fail completely and to be super unhappy, there is a certain amount of social safety in talking about what is wrong with you and bad about you and in not being super happy or super successful. It guarantees that you will not be a target and can thus avoid pain.
But sometimes, this social patterning goes much deeper and being not ok is a means of survival. When most people have children, they are not in a place where they have resolved their own unresolved wounding. In fact one of the main reasons that children even happen in the universe is for the sake of expansion. They come to reflect their parents. By reflecting their parents, they needle their parents into their expansion. The shadows of the family line come to be resolved through progeny. When parents are particularly unhealed, like they are in a dysfunctional family, what is happening in a parent’s conscious mind is far different than what is happening under the surface of what they can and will consciously admit to.
This parent may say that they want their child to be happy. But the child’s happiness is actually a threat to his or her own sense of self. I will paint you a picture of what I mean. I want you to imagine a little girl who is super happy lying on the living room floor with her fruit snacks and toys. When the mother sees her daughter happy, it reminds her of how happy she isn’t. It reminds her of the way she sacrificed her own ambition for the sake of staying home to raise this little girl. It reminds her of how she feels used and abused because while this little girl plays, she has to clean the dishes and do the laundry. She feels like she has no personal success and instead is expected to be a slave with no personal worth of her own. She actually feels like her daughter is leaving her behind and abandoning her emotionally when her daughter is happy and she is not. This pain wells up in her. She is not conscious enough to do anything constructive with it or change anything about her life choices because of it. So, she feels like this little girl is causing her pain. Her subconscious rises up with vengeance. The mom blindsides this little girl by shaming her for being selfish or withdrawing or complaining to someone about motherhood in front of her or tells the little girl something that would make her sad or afraid. All of this is done to re-establish a sense of closeness with her daughter. But the message is clear: “You cannot be close to me if you are happy”. Closeness with our parents is what our survival depends on. And so the child will give up joy for fusion with this person.
When we grow up around adults like this, we learn that joy is socially dangerous. We learn it is the road to isolation and punishment. And so not being ok is our way of establishing social closeness with people. Not being ok is also our white flag that we raise to cry mercy. We know that if we demonstrate that we are not ok, people will not have any motive to tear us down or add pain to us and might in fact be manipulated into being loving towards us instead.
If we grew up with this kind of dynamic, we also learn that we can’t take things too far in the opposite direction. This parent lives their life from a foundation of shame. If we are miserable, they will take that personally too but not being able to face that shame, they will deflect it and turn you into the family problem. They will use your unhappiness as a way to escape from their own problems and to meet their needs through other people’s pity. To understand more about this dynamic, I encourage you to watch my video titled: Deflection, The Coping Mechanism From Hell.
Many parents with this pattern build their relationship with their children on obligation. When their child is not ok, out of obligation they come close to their child. When the child is ok, they vanish to do their own thing. I watch many children growing up in this kind of environment that take the crumb of obligation as a substitute for real love. They constantly create conflict or crisis or accidents to get those crumbs because the alternative they are looking at is emotional starvation.
The thing that makes this pattern the most difficult to see is that it is not that people caught in this pattern act as if they aren’t ok when they are ok. They genuinely are in hell emotionally and they genuinely have things going wrong. They are genuinely wounded. It’s just that even though they consciously want to heal and be ok or feel happy, a huge unconscious part of them resists that because the prospect of being ok is terrifying. It has been ingrained that being ok and happy means guaranteed pain. So they learn that there is a very safe but painful sweet spot called ‘I’m not ok’.
Many people, who grew up in this pattern as children, learn to adapt by creating fusion with their parent by spending their lives devoted to the wellbeing of their parent. This is the heart of the parentified child syndrome. This child gives up their happiness for their parent’s. They learn that their only worth and value is to rescue their parent when he or she is unhappy. When the parent is happy, the parent often withdraws to do his or her own thing. The message this child receives is that he or she is only going to receive connection when someone is not ok and that conversely, they are going to be abandoned if someone is ok. This person grows into a person who will withdraw any time someone is happy or will create a collapse in someone else so that they aren’t ok so they can come in and get connection through the rescue of the very negative emotional state that they, themselves created. This child grows up to be a person who feels they have no worth in and of themselves. No one could possibly want to be with them for them. The only reason anyone would want to be with them is to use them as an emotional buoy.
As adults, the people who learned it wasn’t ok to be ok and that the only way to have emotional closeness is to either not be ok or for the other person to not be ok, find each other. They find each other and perpetuate these same painful patterns of staying unhappy and creating unhappiness so as to maintain closeness. And we need to be aware of this dynamic if we want to change it. It isn’t possible to be happy and not have closeness with other people. But even if it were, happiness is not worth being alone. And so, if we don’t become aware of this pattern so as to make different choices in our relationships, we will never be ok and we will never be happy. We will side with being close to each other and unhappy instead.
We tend to project the idea that we had of our primary authority figures over the universe at large and or God. What we expect from the universe is no different from what we expected from them. If this pattern was the pattern in our childhoods, we expect that any time we are ok or worse… happy, it is a guarantee that the universe will immediately knock us out of that place with a stressor, pain or tragedy. We need to see that this has nothing to do with the universe at large. It is other people who created and may be currently creating this pattern because we perpetuate this pattern in our adult relationships. The universe is not against your happiness, but it is a real potential that someone in your life may be.
In truth, connection and closeness should have absolutely nothing to do with being ok or not being ok. Whether a person is happy or not should have nothing to do with connection. They are two independent things. We need connection if we are OK and we need connection if we are not OK. But in today’s world with today’s social shadows, we need to begin to let ourselves be connected and be happy at the same time. We need to stay connected whether we are happy or sad. Happiness has got to cease to be something that isolates us or causes us to isolate other people. By making this change in our relationships, we will create a world where it will not only be ok to not be ok; it will be ok to be ok.
When most of us enter into a relationship, we do so because we can’t wait to be near someone. We get butterflies in our stomach. Wild horses couldn’t hold us back from them. We finish all of our other tasks so that we can get to what we really want, which is to just be with them; enjoying their presence and connection. But for some of us, at a certain point in the relationship, something changes.
The pattern I am about to expose is a pattern I have seen in some women but it is by far and away most common amongst men. And it is a pattern that is the road to ruin in relationships. It is in fact the single biggest contributor to women deciding to cheat.
There is a phase of a relationship called the limerence phase. This is the phase where wild horses couldn’t keep us away from someone and all else that we could be doing pales in comparison to being with that person. Our bodies are alit with a chemical cocktail that causes us to feel totally and completely in love. For most couples, this phase begins to wear off somewhere within the two year mark. People start getting used to each other and taking each other for granted. It is at this point that either the relationship slowly dissolves or we now take the opportunity to practice conscious love by choice. It is at this point however that many people, especially men, begin to see the relationship as a task… As something that needs to get done.
Many people, especially men, approach life as if it is a never ending to do list. Life isn’t about being. It is about doing. It’s about the bills that need to be paid, the chores that have to be done. Life is about the steps that can be crossed off of the list so you can move on to the next thing. Even vacations become a thing to check of the list of things that need to be done. If we are not careful and are not loving consciously, our relationship falls into this category of things that need to be done. Our relationship becomes a task.
We do this with our partners, our friends, our children, our parents and the list goes on and on. We destroy our relationships by making the other person feel like they are a chore that needs to be done.
I cannot tell you how many men have destroyed their relationships this way. Their wives of girlfriends become one of their many tasks. Now, instead of being with their girlfriends or wives because they really want to be with them, they think of the woman’s need for them. Being with her then becomes something that he is doing in order to keep her happy and maintain the relationship in the same way that repainting the exterior of a house is the way to keep it from deteriorating.
Why does this destroy a relationship? Because it means that they have become a task that has to be done. No one’s self esteem can survive that message. The message is ‘you’re not good enough for me to want to be around you for my own sake and do these things for the joy of seeing you feel good.’ Imagine a man taking a woman on a first date. Imagine he showed up late and said, “Ok, I finally have some time now since I finished all the stuff I had to do today and I still have a lot to do but I know it’s important for you to have someone one on one time with me.” Or imagine that when he handed her flowers he did it with an air of doing it just because it is something a man should do to keep her happy. This man wouldn’t make it past the first date. To be honest, he wouldn’t make it to the first drink.
If we are treating a relationship like a task, we are not really deciding to prioritize being with the other person or doing things for them from a space of loving them and enjoying their presence and wanting to be around them because we value their presence in our life so much. Instead, we have decided that having the relationship in our life is important and there are steps we have to take now for them or for the relationship, whether we want to from our hearts or not, to ensure that the relationship is maintained. For women, sex often becomes one of these ‘tasks’. For men, quality time often becomes one of these ‘tasks’. It is impossible for the other person to feel loved when we treat doing them like it is a task.
Our being with another person should be led by enjoyment. It should not be a task. If the relationship is a task and we cannot use our conscious minds to chose to love them in a way where we can re-access the genuine desire to be with them and do for them, then the relationship is not a healthy one. It has become a means to an end for us. The relationship has become a transaction. And after becoming fully conscious about what exactly changed for us, we need to seriously consider whether we should stay in it.
If I really appreciate being with someone, I do not approach being with them like a thing that must be done. They do not have to ask me for my presence either. I approach it like I can’t wait to do it for my own sake. If I really love someone, I do not need to commit to the task of demonstrating love for them. I feel naturally inspired to touch them, tell them loving things, do things for them, give them gifts etc.
Any time you set aside time to spend with another person, ask yourself why you are doing it. If nothing else, it is important to be conscious of your actual motives, no matter how unsavory they may be. Whenever you do anything for someone, ask yourself why you are doing it. Are you doing it as a task? Are you doing it because you really, really want to for the joy of it or are you doing it as a necessary step to ensuring something else that you want? If you are making the relationship a task, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would it feel if they treated being with you or doing things for you like a chore or like a to do item to check off of the list. How would you feel if the message they were sending was that they were in the relationship for your sake and not their own? Only you can answer these questions and know whether what you are doing is right for you or whether you need to make a serious change.
Life is not a task. Relationships are not a task. Life and love is not something you can check off a list. They are not a means to an end. They are the end you are seeking. Be in life and be in love as if the being in and of itself is what you came here for and you will have happy relationships. And never forget, a happy life is about happy relationships because relationships really are what life is composed of.
We all want to be with people who act like adults in relationships. Unfortunately, our capacity to be adults in our relationships is greatly hindered by our capacity to take ownership and responsibility for ourselves and our loved ones.
Boundaries are a sense of self such as personal preferences and aversions, personal desires, personal needs and personal emotions. They are essentially your personal truth at any moment. When we were young many of us grow up in a household where we are not allowed to have boundaries. We were not allowed to define ourselves because our parents perceived it as a personal threat to their personal preferences, desires, needs, feelings and therefore personal truths. Therefore, asserting our personal boundaries was met with disapproval, withdrawal and punishment. We needed closeness with our parents desperately. The only way to achieve this and reduce the conflict between us and them was to abandon our boundaries. We did things not because doing those things was a decision coming from our free will, but because we wanted to not get in trouble. This pattern of doing things just because we don’t want to get in trouble is a pattern that we carry into our adult relationships and because of it, we re-enact a child and punitive parent style relationship in our friendships and partnerships and work relationships and end up feeling miserably resentful and controlled in our relationships.
The first thing you need to accept is that free will is an absolute of your existence. You had free will even as a baby and child. It is just that the consequences of exercising your free will as a child are often too great and so you make the decision to comply. You are actually using your free will to decide against yourself in this scenario. Because of this, it doesn’t feel like that decision is actually your decision. It feels like you are forced into it. It feels like someone is putting you in the position where there is only one decision to make. And they have put you in that position. But you still could hypothetically choose not to comply. You could choose to bear the brunt of the consequences instead. None of us would expect a child to do this. It is out of the choice to self-preserve that they choose to abandon themselves for the sake of fusion with their parent. But we have to see that it is actually a choice they are making with their own free will to do so. We need to see it is a choice they are making in order to see the meaning of ‘owning a decision’. If in this scenario, a child really owned that they are consciously choosing for the sake of themselves to comply, they would feel their own free will and therefore not feel controlled. They would be hurt and angry that their parent did not accept them for who they are at all, but resentment would not be the emotion they felt towards their parent.
We see this dynamic all the time in adult relationships where one person complies with another person so as to not get in trouble and to maintain closeness or harmony with them, but does not really own their free will involved in that decision and so they feel controlled and resentful. And this leads to all kinds subconscious behaviors that destroy the relationship. For example, a wife asserts that she needs to see more of her husband. She has been expressing insecurity about whether the marriage will actually last because he is so unavailable. When his work day ends, he wants to go out to drink with his colleagues at the bar. But he rushes home instead, after expressing to his friends that he can’t because “the ball and chain” referring to his wife. He is doing this purely to avoid the consequences. He is not doing this because he really owns her happiness as part of his best interests and therefore really owns the decision as the decision that is best for him to make. He hasn’t owned it as a self serving decision. He also hasn’t really considered whether he genuinely wants to make a stand against having to be available. Therefore, when he comes home, he is irritable, acts as if he doesn’t want to be there and does little things like spend a long time undressing and checking his phone as an act of rebellion against the oppressor, his wife. In reality, she isn’t the oppressor at all. He has projected his own mother onto his wife.
Another example is friend one tells friend two to invest money with the new product they are selling. Friend two is afraid to insult friend one and create a conflict by saying no. So, he says yes. He did not say yes because it is a decision he really owned, he didn’t make it his. Therefore, he didn’t assume the risks involved as his own chosen risks. The investment turns out to be bad and so he loses the money. Now friend two is really upset at friend one. Friend two feels resentful and as if he was duped. Now, he distrusts friend one and expects friend one to make amends. This confuses friend one because even though friend one feels guilty that he was the one to suggest the investment, he assumed friend two chose to take the risk out of his own free will.
The amount of examples I could give for this dynamic are endless. But it all really boils down to one concept: We must learn to feel the reality of our free will in our relationships and in every choice we make. If we make a decision, we must make it because we really consciously take that choice to be in alignment with our own boundaries. We must make the decision our decision, not a decision we are being forced into against our will. No one can actually force you to do something against your free will. What they can do is to put you in a position where making the choice they want you to make is the only decision that will ensure your self-preservation and so most people make that choice.
If you struggle with this dynamic in your life, it is a near guarantee that you also struggle with transactional style of relationships. When we do things to avoid being in trouble, we comply with other people and all too often expect them to do the same for us when things really matter to us. When they don’t, we feel this is wildly unfair. We essentially comply to ensure that they will comply as well. For this reason, after you watch this video [read this article], I strongly encourage you to watch my video titled: Cut The Invisible Strings.
Any time you do anything, you need to ask yourself “Why am I doing this? Am I doing this simply to stay out of trouble or avoid consequences?” If so, you are at a crossroads. Either you own that decision completely, so you find a way to change your perspective so that you can make that decision something you are doing because it is the best decision for you to make with your own free will and because of that you want to because it is self serving as well. Or, you decide there is a genuine need conflict and so, taking care to take the other person as part of yourself instead of wage war against them, you are going to enter into a conscious conflict so you can both arrive at a decision that is in alignment with both of your individual best interests, a decision that both of you can individually own and feel good about.
On the rare occasion, genuine incompatibilities make it so when this occurs, there is no way for two people’s best interests to be in alignment and this leads to either a change in the type of relationship itself or to an end in the relationships. But it is the rare occasion and even if this is painful, it is better than feeling like you have given your needs, desires, feelings, and personal truth up to stay in a relationship and are therefore miserable in the relationship.
Becoming an adult in our relationships has first and foremost to do with owning our free will and exercising it. We must use our free will to own the decision to include someone as part of ourselves and therefore to take the other person’s best interests as a genuine part of our best interests. It is at this point that we become responsible, not only for ourselves, but also for those that we love. Not because we feel forced against our will to do it, but because we genuinely want to do it.
So many of us struggle with behaviors that create more problems in our lives and that interfere with our goals. Self-sabotage is a part of so many people’s lives is it not? The answer is no. The first thing we need to do is to look at some examples of self-sabotage. We have something to do, but we procrastinate it. We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking. Consciously, we really want a relationship to work, but we keep pushing the other person away or doing and saying things to create conflict in the relationship. We consciously want a job, but we suddenly say things in the interview that makes the boss check us off his list of candidates.
Self Sabotage is essentially thoughts, words and actions (behaviors) that are self defeating. They work AGAINST you when it comes to attaining something that you want. Clearly you can see that self-sabotage is a reality. But I’m here to tell you today that it is not a reality. How can that be?
Consciousness can and does split itself. This means that even though we call our self by one name and therefore identify ourselves as being one unified thing, the reality is that we are more of an amalgamation of fragmented parts or selves. We are more like a mosaic or a stained glass window. Our degree of internal suffering is about the degree of harmony (or lack there of) between these internal selves. If you are experiencing self sabotage, it is because not all of your internal selves or parts agree with your conscious desires. One or more of them are resisting or opposing the parts that contain your conscious desires.
I am making a bold claim. I am telling you that there is no such thing as an internal saboteur and there is no such thing as an internal abuser. If any of your internal parts or selves are resisting or opposing your desires, or if any of them are hurting other parts of you in any way, it is because they think it is in your best interest for them to do so. In other words, they believe they are saving your life by not going along with the plan. For this reason, we cannot say that they are against you. They just don’t agree with the rest of you about how to be FOR you.
Here are some examples:
We have something to do, but we procrastinate it. In this scenario, one fragment or part within us (the one we are consciously identified with) has made the decision to do something. The other part thinks that doing that thing will lead to discomfort or some kind of pain. Therefore, it is trying to prevent you from experiencing that pain by keeping you from doing it.
We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking. In this scenario, one part (the one we are consciously identified with) has decided it is committed to stop the addiction. The other part believes that the life you want is not actually possible to achieve and so it thinks that letting go of the addiction will simply make it so you are in hell alone and now have to just sit in the agony of that misery permanently. It would rather you have the Novocain so to speak.
Consciously, we really want a relationship to work, but we keep pushing the other person away or doing and saying things to create conflict in the relationship. In this scenario, one fragment or part within us (the one we are consciously identified with) has made the decision to be in a relationship an make it work. Another part knows that relationships have been so painful in the past and that it has been abandoned and therefore thinks abandonment is inevitable. So it is trying to save you from the pain of getting attached to something you are inevitably going to lose.
You consciously want a job, but you suddenly say things in the interview that makes the boss check you off his list of candidates. In this scenario, one part of you has decided the best idea is to work at that job. The other part thinks that job is not what you should be doing. That it is in the opposite direction of your authentic essence. And that therefore life will be drudgery and effort if you take that job.
Self hate. That’s where you think you have me beat right? Obviously self-hate is the exception to the rule. Think again. When you discover the parts involved in self hate what you find is that a person internalizes their external abuser. Essentially, one part feels that by hating and punishing and therefore trying to get another part to change, it is preventing them from getting that hate and disapproval and shaming and punishment from the outside, from another person. By doing so, it is trying to get the person the love they so desperately need from the outside.
Metaphorically speaking what any form of self sabotage always has in common is that one part thinks the answer to a good life and happiness is going left and another part thinks that going left is literally the road to ruin. But what you must see is that both parts actually have your best interests at heart. We have to understand that no part within us is actually against us. We need to approach the issue with this understanding to create alignment within us between these opposed parts.
There are limitless possibilities for why a part is opposed to our conscious desires. But in order to move beyond the behaviors we call self-sabotaging, we must see the self-preserving nature of them. We must empathize completely with the parts within us that think our salvation is in the opposite direction of our conscious desires.
One of the best methods for exploring this part is that we can close our eyes and ask to see this part that is doing the self-sabotaging behavior in our minds eye. The one that is procrastinating or causing conflict in the relationship or is showing up to things late or is screwing up interviews. We let the image of that part appear however it appears. If it helps us, we can see if this part within us has a name. We can begin to observe it and study its behaviors and perspectives and wants and needs and motivations. We can ask it questions. We can explore its relationship to other parts within us.
Alternatively, we can let go of being identified with the perspective of that thing we want being what is good for us and instead, choose to fully become only that part within us. If you do it this way, you are deciding to allow the consciousness of only that part to take over your body. As if it were another person within you and you were getting fully into its perspective only. State internally to yourself or choose with your intention, “I accept to become the part of me that fill in the blank.” Such as “I accept to become that part of me that shows up late”. Or “I accept to become the part of me that wants to keep drinking”. Then surrender and allow the energy of that part of you that shows up late to fill in the spaces within your whole body. Then, you can write as that part. You will write in terms of “I” but, “I” will be this part speaking, not you. Don’t think about the answers you give, just give them as if you are doing a steam of consciousness exercise. Know that anything that is said or felt during this exercise is valid and has appeared for an important reason.
The goal is to seek to find a way for both of these opposed parts of you to agree upon a course of action. It is as if our objective mind acts as a benevolent mediator who can empathize with both sides and whose goal is to find a way for both sides to win or feel good with a course of action or decision. Be open to the idea that by exploring that part’s perspective that you may change your mind about what you actually ant or what is actually right for you to do.
We will see an end to the ‘self sabotage’ when we choose to resolve the pain contained in this part that is keeping it fragmented from the rest of us. We can meet its needs with our imagination and subsequently implement the changes this part of us needs in our day-to-day life. We can also improve the relationship that this part has with the part within us that it is opposed to. By doing this, we create internal peace and integration. We can restore ourselves back to a state of internal peace.
If we experience self sabotage, we fear ourselves and we distrust ourselves. But there is no reason to feel this way towards yourself. Even the parts within you that seem to be hurting you, are actually doing so because they think it is in your best interests. This means that even if they disagree on the general strategy for how to make you feel good and live the best life possible; this is what they all ultimately want. They want you to feel better. They want you to live the best life possible. And so, because of the purity of their intentions for you, it can be said that there is really no such thing as self sabotage.