Coping mechanisms are strategies and behaviors that are carried out to mitigate, manage or adapt to anything that causes distress. If we cope with something, we do so because we feel we cannot change the stressor itself. We have to adapt to it so that the hurt we feel as a result of it is decreased or eliminated. We would all hope for a world that did not have to be coped with. Alas, that is not the world we currently live in and so it must be said that even though all coping mechanisms hold the potential to be limiting and damaging to a person in the long run, certain coping mechanisms can be more detrimental than others. And the most dangerous coping mechanism is self-hate.
At first glance it may be hard to see how self-hate could possibly be a coping mechanism. After all, self-hate can’t possibly decrease a person’s distress can it? The answer is yes it can. And to see how, we much journey back to the genesis of this coping mechanism.
When we look at a dysfunctional home, what we find is that the root of each person’s self concept in the family system is shame. This feeling of shame has been passed down from generation to generation. It is the primary stressor in the household. Everyone has to find a way to cope with that shame. The ways they cope with that shame set up the dysfunctional family system and determine what role each person will play in it.
To understand how self hate develops, we must see that if one or more of the parents is dealing with a baseline self concept of shame, a child being different to that parent in any way or even asserting a boundary will trigger that feeling of shame. It will invalidate their identity, which they already subconsciously think is bad. This is why the golden child in a family will learn to cope by throwing their identity out the window as a strategy to avoid being shamed and ostracized within the family. They will become a ‘mini me’ as an adaptive strategy to the parent they feel they must please in order to stay safe with.
The child that cannot adapt by throwing their identity out the window and whom can’t find a way to please the adult consistently for a multitude of reasons will be so upsetting to the self concept of the parent that the parent will subconsciously turn against the child. They may say, “I love you” to this child and try to do loving things for them, but the truth of how they really feel is not what they are presenting on the surface and the truth comes out in all kinds of ways. Their only way of avoiding the shame they feel and the shame this child triggers in them is to emotionally disown the child and deflect that shame onto the child and that child then becomes the family scapegoat. It is to say, “I’m not bad, you’re bad and you are my problem and now I’m the victim to you, and so is everyone else in the household.” The family can then hide all of their dysfunction behind this “family problem” person and can see themselves as the good ones because all of their focus can be placed on trying to fix what is “wrong” with this person. What is wrong with them is that everyone in the family has turned against them for being different and for not being able to change that. But the other people in the house can’t see this. This person has become the identified patient in the family.
The experience of being turned against by the very people who you need love and belonging from the very most is so painful it is beyond describing. And it makes it so the child has no way to feel safe. They feel hated by their family, especially the parent who initiates this shame deflection. They are growing up with an antagonist, an antagonist upon whom their life depends. And the way a person copes with this is genius in the short term but completely destructive in the long term.
A child put in this position, pushes themselves away. But they can’t physically do that so what happens is the pushing away of themselves, splits their consciousness in half. To understand more about this concept, watch my video called Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. When they split their consciousness in half, one half contains the parts within them that they perceive that their parent hates. The other half becomes a mirror image of their parent… An internal antagonist. This internal antagonist takes over the job of hating them for the parent. It becomes the one that is constantly shaming and criticizing the parts within this person that are seen as wrong and bad by the parent and now as a result, by the person themselves. This makes the hurt not only controllable, but predictable. And the child believes that by doing this, they might just be able to change the things that are so detestable about them. The person has become their own abuser and hater so that the antagonistic parent is never given the occasion or opportunity to do it. Imagine you were going to go up to someone to hit them and they just started hitting themselves. What would you do? Chances are, the desire to hurt them would go away. You’d feel on an energetic level that your goal was already being carried out. You would feel like either something is really wrong with them so they must need your help or that they agree that they deserve it to such a degree that they are going to do it for you. This would make you feel validated. This is usually the point at which the parent gets an extra boost of self-esteem through turning themselves into the “false healer” and the child is turned into an identified patient.
As you can see, this self-hating aspect is actually trying to save their life and rescue them from the wrath of the parent. This part holds the truths of what matters most to them. For example, perhaps what the parent hated about the child was that she was so sensitive. The self-hating part will constantly criticize and shame her for being sensitive. Because the thought is that with enough disapproval of it, she will either stop being that way or be motivated to fix it. And this will get her the sense of belonging and safety she wants. We can then tell that the truth this self-hating aspect holds is just how important belonging and safety are and how much she needs those things. Ideally, we need to figure out these valued and needed things that the self hater is holding the truth of and try to get those things directly in the places that we can get them from.
Self hate is a coping mechanism that is so dangerous because it is a coping mechanism that may keep you safer from the external hater/antagonist, but it leads to constant anxiety because you are living with a part that behaves like an enemy in your own skin. And it leads to all kinds of dangerous behaviors in the long term. Things like risk taking, abusive relationships, self-destructive behaviors, self-injury and even suicide.
When you find this part within you, see the benevolent reason for its existence. See that its strategy, though genius while you were living in an abusive environment, is now destroying your ability to live a life that is worth living. See that the parts of you that this part has turned against, need to be accepted and loved instead. Go directly for the things you were trying to indirectly get by trying to hate these parts of you away. Give them to yourself and get them from others. The life you want to live is just on the other side of wanting to be you instead of agreeing with your antagonistic parent that you should be someone else.
A while back I did a video called Meaning, The Self-Destruct Button. In that video, I demonstrated how the meaning you assign to an experience can destroy your life. Today, I’m going to show you how meaning can save your life. I’m going to show you how finding meaning and a way to make the things you do really matter, will totally transform your quality of life.
Fulfillment is a feeling we are all looking for in life. We want to feel fulfilled by the things that we are doing. We want the things we do to really matter. We want a life that is rich with meaning. But all too often we feel like we are just going through the motions of life, getting busy with the emptiness of the things that we feel must or should be done.
We need to take two approaches to making our life rich with meaning through living our life for what matters. The first is to make sure that everything we are doing actually matters. The second is to realize that if we change the meaning of what we are doing, we can make most of what doesn’t seem to matter, deeply matter.
When we take the first approach, we take a serious look at whether what we are doing really matters or not. And we then live our life according to what really matters. We stop putting our energy into the things that we realize really don’t matter. One of the greatest gifts of lying on your death bed or experiencing a near death experience or even of having someone you love die, is that it puts all things into perspective. It shows you what really matters. One of the best tools to use in your life on an ongoing basis is to practice closing your eyes and imaging that you are on your deathbed but you are looking back at whatever you are currently and in this moment trying to make a decision about, whatever you are putting your energy into, whatever you are worrying about, whatever you are doing or thinking about doing. And ask yourself, does this matter? If the answer is no, stop putting energy into it and find something else that matters to put your energy into. If the answer is yes, ask yourself why for the sake of your own awareness. And put energy into it. For example, does doing this video really matter? Yes. Because I feel that by doing this, I will be showing people how to really live while they are here. And the value of this kind of information will outlive even my own temporary life. Only you can know what really matters to you. Start to live every thought and word and action in your life according to what matters.
When we take the second approach, we can look at anything we are doing, any activity, and we can change the way we look at it so that doing it can really matter and really have meaning. For example, I could decide that doing the dishes in the sink really does not matter. It is just something that has to be done. But what if I realized that doing the dishes takes pressure off of other people in the house and that frees them up to experience more things that they enjoy? Then doing the dishes does matter. Doing the dishes does have deep meaning.
Or for example, I may have a terrible customer support job at a cell phone company that I hate. I may tell myself that my job does not matter and that there is no meaning in what I am doing. But what if I realized that making someone’s phone work might just be the thing that makes it so they can have the talk that saves their relationship or what if making someone’s phone work is the reason that someone sees an amber alert and actually reports the whereabouts of a child that is stolen. Then, suddenly your job really matters.
Sometimes, we cannot change the fact that something we are putting our energy into does not really matter and does not hold deep meaning. But often we can change the meaning we assign to the things we are putting our energy into and as a result, we can make the things that seem to not matter, really matter. This is one of the deep meanings behind the old Buddhist sayings “before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water and after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.” This saying conveys that enlightenment does not change what you are doing in your life. It does not make you any less human. What does change however is that the way you see those simple activities, and the meaning you assign to doing them, changes the quality of doing them completely. Before, chopping wood and carrying water was a chore that had to be done… Something you had to mindlessly get out of the way before doing something that actually mattered to you. After, chopping wood and carrying water has great meaning.
A little tip is that you will notice that most of the things that really matter and most of the meaning that enriches your life are things that create and enhance your connection with other people. We need to be living our lives from both perspectives simultaneously. If we live with both the strategy of making sure that anything we are doing really matters and also of finding a way to look at the things we are doing in terms of why they really do matter, our life will be so rich with meaning and our life will matter so much, we will feel we have really and truly lived.
In today’s world, the word own has become a dirty word. It has such a negative connotation that chances are, when you saw the title of this article, you felt a minor shock wave of fear and even offense.
Ownership is associated with possession. The problem with this is that possession is a concept that in and of itself has both a light side and a dark side. This dark side reflects the shadow of mankind’s limited consciousness. To possess something is to have that thing in that it belongs to you. This is actually the positive side of possession. It is an inclusion-based concept. To love something is to take it as part of yourself. This means it automatically belongs with and to you and so you have it.
Where possession goes dark is that the second meaning of possession is to have complete power over that thing that you have. This is the negative side of possession. But what if I told you that this second part of possession has nothing to do with possession or ownership in and of itself? Un-awakened men simply decided, at the mercy of their own fears and therefore impulse towards power, that to have something meant to control it completely. But this is in fact the opposite of true ownership.
If you have a negative association with ownership, it is because you suffered from being controlled, which is shadow ownership. Someone decided that you belonged to them like an object, but that you were not a part of them and so you were powerless and your best interests were never seen or cared for. You have never experienced true ownership.
To truly own something is to see it as part of yourself. If you see something as part of yourself, it becomes impossible to hurt that thing without hurting yourself. You cannot usurp its free will without harming yourself. Therefore, in true ownership, which is for something to be a part of you and therefore to belong to you, the best interests of that other thing is of the utmost concern.
So much damage has been done by us throwing out the concept of ownership in our relationships with one another. When we do not own other people as part of ourselves, we feel no responsibility to them. We take ourselves to be totally separate from each other, we think of them as ‘other’. We are in fact much more at risk of playing a zero sum game, where we are looking to win and for them to lose. We become self centered and are only in relationships as a transaction, a means to an end. We are not in relationships for connection itself, where to have that connection, we must see, feel, hear and understand the other person.
To explain this dynamic further, let’s look at an area within society that has been greatly impacted by the move away from ownership… Men and women. For thousands of years, women were considered to be the property of men. But most men did not take women as part of themselves in this ownership. They did not consider the best interests of their wives or daughters or even sons for that matter. They just took possession to mean they got to control them however they wanted. They were totally in the form of shadow possession. But when the feminist movement came through and demolished the idea that a woman is the property of a man, men were forced to relinquish possession of women. They let go of all ownership towards the women in their lives. This did not only mean the bad form of possession, it meant the good form too. Relationships between men and women have suffered immensely.
Women enjoyed the sense of containment, belonging and safety they got from being owned by men. Now, one of the top complaints you will see in couple therapy on the part of the woman is that a man takes no direct responsibility for anything. He doesn’t take direct responsibility for her wellbeing or the wellbeing of the kids. The man is “hands off”. Now to many women it feels like either being in a relationship alone or like the man is another child or like she is being exploited by him. It feels like instead of really owning her and the family as his own and therefore providing containment and taking care of them through his own volition, he lets her do it all and simply participates to the degree that he is either nagged to participate or whenever he can get something from her, like sex.
When women complain about where the cowboys went to or watch Jane Austin films and get turned on by them, this is the quality they are looking for and are missing in modern men. If you are interested in trying to understand the energy of true ownership, I suggest you watch a movie titled: Rob Roy, in which the main character, Rob Roy portrays positive masculine ownership and the villain, Archibald Cunningham portrays the exact opposite; non-ownership. Watch this movie with the idea of ownership of others specifically in mind. Simply keep in mind that at this time period, people did not understand the idea of ownership of all things, including one’s enemies, as part of themselves. This is a graduated, conscious understanding.
No one can tell you the negative side of no ownership quite like orphans, foster care kids, illegitimate children, family black sheep or the children that suffer emotional neglect in childhood. When children are in any one of these positions, no one owns them so as to become genuinely invested in their wellbeing. No one takes them as part of themselves and so they feel they do not belong. They feel pushed away. They are starved of so many emotional needs. Things like love, understanding, belonging, containment, emotional intimacy and protection. Regardless of what the physical dimension may look like, the truth is that they are exposed and alone, and must fend for themselves. Even if they are around people and even if they have caretakers, those caretakers do not provide genuine security. They simply make sure the kid does not physically die. To be genuinely owned is the desire of anyone who grew up with this trauma. They often are so hurt by the absence of ownership that they dream of even having the shadow form of possession, where someone is invested enough that they control their every action.
To be truly owned is also the desire of people who experienced the opposite trauma… Shadow possession. In shadow possession, it seems on the outside like the adult completely and entirely owns the child. This takes the form of total control. The child in this environment doesn’t get to have any boundaries. This person grows up with a HUGE aversion to ownership. They fight to have a sense of self and autonomy. What they don’t know is that they were never really owned either. What they desperately crave is to be able to have their own personal thoughts, needs, wants, preferences and feelings but also be able to belong with someone and be close to someone and have them. They desperately crave for their self hood to be acknowledged and their unique best interests to be considered. This is only possible with true ownership where you cannot take someone as part of yourself and therefore belonging to you, without genuinely considering them and capitalizing on their best interests. In true ownership, it can only ever be a win-win.
When we were not owned, or when we were shadow owned, we don’t own the people in our lives. We perpetuate the trauma of non-ownership. We either control them and don’t take their best interests into account or leave them in a constant state of insecurity and pressure because we treat them as totally separate to us. If you look at the most extreme forms of pain on our planet, you can trace it to a lack of genuine ownership. We do not own anything that we want to have be separate from us. Therefore, we refuse to own homeless people. So they die every day on the street. We refuse to own prisoners so we punish them and lock them away. We shadow own children, so we treat them as if they are dolls instead of people. We shadow own little girls and sell them in the sex trade. We refuse to own people of other colors, social classes, genders, cultures and religions as part of our collective humanity and so we feel no responsibility towards their wellbeing and in fact go to war against them. And we refuse to own the part of us that we don’t want to have be part of us, so we remain internally fragmented, which makes internal peace impossible.
A sense of ownership is what causes us to take care of the thing we feel that sense of ownership towards. We are committed to it. It makes that thing or that person’s best interests indivisible from our own best interests. It makes it so our commitment is to find a win-win scenario, which is the basis of trust. A sense of ownership is a divine responsibility. And so, it is with this in mind that I tell you. The time has some for us to separate the shadow form of possession from the light form of possession and start to really own each other. The utopia we have been dreaming of will not come to be unless we begin to own all things we see as “other” (human or otherwise) as part of ourselves. To truly integrate something is to truly own in. To truly love something is to truly own it.
Chances are if you are watching this, you have been on the path of spirituality and/or self help for long enough to have encountered several teachers, experts and leaders. But chances are, you do not clearly see the most common dysfunction among them because they do not see this dysfunction in themselves. This most common dysfunction is a direct contradiction to the very healing they profess to stand for. And it is a dynamic that can turn dangerous.
I did a video a while back called Fragmentation, The World Wide Disease. If you have not watched that video already, I highly suggest that you watch it now and then come back to this video because it will greatly enhance your understanding of this dynamic.
The process of life in which we encounter trauma, takes us out of a state of wholeness. It fragments us into parts. If we do not have a way to resolve and thus integrate that trauma we experience when we are young, we must dissociate from it. Our consciousness splits in order to cope with it.
Consciousness itself functions like water. At the moment of trauma, when we dissociate, part of our consciousness branches off from our main consciousness. Our consciousness splits, just like the river does. It is an act of self-preservation. It is easier to comprehend of this process of splitting that is fragmentation in terms of how it effects our being by imagining that when our consciousness splits as the result of trauma, our ego splits in two. Our sense of self becomes fragmented. So even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple polarized selves.
There is a split between the vulnerable self and the self that coped with that vulnerability so as to self preserve. This is super important because we identify with, embody and accept inside ourselves only one polarity and reject, deny, suppress and disown the opposite polarity. We identify with the parts of ourselves that coped to self-preserve. These aspects protected us. They allowed us to stay as far away from our vulnerability as possible. But in this state, we are unhealed and we in fact cause fragmentation in others when we are coming from this place. Healing from this fragmentation is all about becoming whole again. But as you will see, this is the opposite of what most experts in spirituality and self-help are doing.
To explain this dynamic that is occurring within so many teachers in this field, I will reveal the most common split that occurs within them as well as its origins. Most people in the spiritual and self-help field come from a childhood with extremely painful emotional dynamics. Many of these dynamics, such as emotional neglect, they themselves do not recognize. Most of them ended up in a position where at a VERY young age, an age where their emotional and even physical needs were not being met reliably and they could not meet those needs for themselves, they experienced trauma. Imagine a baby lying in a crib needing contact comfort or being hungry and not getting that need met, being made to cry themselves to sleep. The level of powerlessness can be so intense that what occurs is a fragmentation, a split within the being’s consciousness between the temporal self (the body) and the conscious perspective (often referred to as the mind). The dissociation that occurs at this level mimics a near death experience where the conscious perspective returns to a perspective that transcends the physical dimension. It is for lack of a better way of describing it ‘higher dimensional perspective’. This was what allowed them to self preserve… To get away from the terrible powerlessness of the infant perspective and the starvation because its needs were not being met. The person then identifies with this part of themselves and rejects, denies and disowns their temporal self. By doing so, he or she becomes inauthentic, not the whole truth of themselves.
He or she mistakes the transcendental perspective self for all of who he or she is. He or she calls it their “real self”. They have no idea that all that is happening is they are coping through identification with this part and rejecting their temporal self. Imagine how dangerous it could be to confuse one fragment within yourself as all of who you are, as your real self, as your soul or as your higher self. To understand more about this dynamic, watch my video titled: The sad truth about most gurus.
There is an old saying, “No disguise could be better for the Devil than Christ” Any part within us is in fact part of the ego. So there could be no disguise better for the ego than an identity that doesn’t see itself as ego. There could be no better disguise for the ego than a transcendental self.
This particular identification with only the transcendental part of oneself is the most dangerous identification to have for many reasons.
In a multi dimensional universe, different dimensions have different and often contradictory laws. For example, from the physical dimension, death is a reality. From a higher dimensional reality, death is an illusion. In the physical reality, pain can destroy someone’s life. From a higher dimension, pain is also an illusion. From a higher dimensional reality, where no resistance exists, if you focus on pain, you fuel pain, which only creates more of it. From another dimension, where resistance exists, if you ignore, suppress and deny pain, it only gets bigger. From a higher dimension, you chose into this life to experience exactly what you experienced. From a lower dimensional reality, you created your reality because of your focus and from an even lower dimensional reality, you did not chose to be abused at 3 and then lose your husband and then die of cancer.
What we tend to do if we are fragmented and selectively identified our self is that we tend to do the same thing to the universe that we do within ourselves. Within ourselves, certain parts of us reject, invalidate and deny the reality of other parts. So what we do externally is we use higher dimensional truths to invalidate and deny lower dimensional truths. We cannot hold space for the idea that BOTH are in fact true and must be equally seen as real. You have all heard these types of statements… The physical dimension is not real, it is just a hologram. Pain is just illusion. You came down to this dimension to concern yourself with only your own personal expansion and therefore joy so you are supposed to be focused on yourself and let everyone else sort themselves out. They committed suicide because that was the best path to their own freedom and so it is all perfect.
Many times the spiritual aspect of oneself, the one that a guru or spiritual teacher is identified with, is able to resonate at a frequency so high that they have access to 11th dimensional awareness. It is a perspective that is objectively true, so as long as a teacher takes that part of themselves to be ALL of who they are because they see it as the ultimate truth, it will be impossible to argue with them in any way about their perspective. Because from a higher perspective, they are 100% right. But they are right only from that perspective. They refuse to accept any parts of themselves that resonate at a lower frequency, like their body, as true. They believe their temporal aspect is the illusion and is false. By believing this, they propagate and embody fragmentation. They in fact campaign for fragmentation and selective identification. This ultimately leads to death because a person cannot stay alive if the gap between the physical aspect and non physical aspect of themselves becomes too wide.
This kind of teacher, which is the vast majority of them, campaigns for fragmentation indirectly. They teach it to those that follow them. They will teach their following to fragment and selectively identify in the exact same way that they have done to cope. They make the polarization within a person much, much worse to extremely detrimental ends. If a person is in pain, they may tell them, “it is illusion”. They may teach you to deprive your physical body and deny instincts and needs in order to reach the truth of who you are. They may teach you to tap emotions away when they arise to be integrated. They may tell you that any pain that arises is just the ego and by dis-identifying with it (and not engaging with it further), you become awakened because the ego is trying to prevent awakening. If one of your loved ones dies, they will tell you that death doesn’t really exist and grief is just the refusal to see this. They may have sex with disciples and say, “it’s to heal them sexually”. They may go so far as to create something like Jonestown because they refuse to see that there is any value in this physical earth. Bottom line, this teacher hurts people and this teacher teaches their following to propagate further fragmentation in themselves, the EXACT opposite of integration and therefore healing. What they are teaching is ego, simply an ego dressed in a spiritual disguise.
This kind of teacher does not see what they are doing as harmful. To the opposite, they see integration as harmful. They see accepting your temporal aspect as real as falling prey to illusion. They see embracing your vulnerability as weakness that prevents you from creating the life you want to create. They see acknowledging death and loss as ignorance. They see validating pain as fueling illusion. They see acknowledging the part of one’s self that feels like a victim as propagating victim mentality. They see the purpose of physical life to be transcending it. And the list goes on and on. This kind of teacher is completely inauthentic but is convinced they are the most authentic. This teacher is in more denial than most of the people who are totally lost in the matrix. Therefore they, themselves are in fact preventing themselves from actualizing, awakening, enlightenment, wholeness and oneness. And they are in turn preventing it in their following that holds themselves to the same standards, beliefs and practice.
If you are following this kind of teacher, you will feel increasingly like parts of you are shameful and are therefore to be moved away from or transcended. This teacher will seem to transcend human reality and not admit to any human aspects like emotions, attachments, desires, needs or reactions within themselves. You will constantly feel like you are failing to meet the standards they put forth and seem to represent. This teacher cannot be in a space of AND consciousness. For example, instead of being able to see “yes, no death exists at the level of consciousness itself but also this person has died in the physical and so there is a great loss”. They will only be able to see “no, there is no death, it is only an illusion and feeling loss means you’re in that illusion”. For more information about this, watch my video titled: And Consciousness, The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way.
In the future, as more people become aware of this terrifying dynamic within themselves, two distinct camps will begin to form within the spiritual and self help field. 1. Those who believe in integration as the path to awakening and whom walk that path (integration of vulnerability and strength, powerlessness and empowerment, dark and light). 2. And those who still and often unknowingly side with selective identification as the path to awakening (denying vulnerability so as to be strong, denying powerlessness to feel empowered, embracing only light).
To be a teacher of integration is to expose the parts of yourself that are human and to not make those traits “less than or unacceptable”. To be a teacher of integration puts people into a state of cognitive dissonance where they are forced to either discredit you based on your humanity or to be able to accept the totality of a teacher being both human and beyond human simultaneously. If they accept this reality, they are then able to accept it within themselves. No part of them is made the enemy. All parts are treated as equal partners playing different roles in their awakening.
As fractals of Source consciousness, we fragment ourselves in the same way that Source itself did. But now, Source is turning the corner and is coming back into oneness. Within us, as fractals of source, this takes the shape of a resolution of all polarities within us. It looks like standing between all opposites and bringing them together instead of siding with one or another. This is extremely brave work that will involve developing a capacity to feel shame and fear instead of run from feeling it. We have shame and fear about anything we have suppressed or denied or rejected within ourselves. Re-owning those parts means facing that shame and fear. But true inner peace and as a result, external peace is waiting for us on the other side of this process of integration.
And so I ask you to consider, what if your spiritual aspect, the one that is transcendental and that has so much awareness, was not in fact the real you, but was just one part within you… A part that at the moment you are completely identified with to the degree that you dismiss and undervalue and minimize the others?
When people start off on the path of healing something, they often do so with a feeling of excitement and empowerment. We feel like we have the power to actually create the feel good life that we want. Any time we find a new tool to heal with or approach to healing or new process and we experience some healing with it, we feel like we have finally found THE answer and that in no time, we will be completely healed. We will be living a healthy life of total bliss and harmony. And then something terrible happens. We hit something else that needs to be healed.
I don’t need to explain this dynamic much deeper because chances are, if you are even watching this video, you know exactly what it feels like to hit the terrible disappointment and overwhelm and hopelessness that comes with the experience of healing something only to find something else is unhealed and to heal that only to find out that something else needs to be healed. And to heal that only to find out that something else needs to be healed.
To level with you, it starts to feel like you are just one never ending fucked up onion. This not only kills your self-concept, it kills your hope that you will ever achieve the perfect life you have been envisioning for yourself… Maybe it doesn’t matter if other people seem to be getting better, you are just so damaged that there is no way to fully heal. And let’s be honest, you don’t want your life to be condemned to the process of painstakingly trying to put something that shattered back together again. After all, you will most likely die trying. Maybe the law of attraction people have it right and the more you focus on healing, the more there is that needs to be healed. So maybe you should just stop trying to heal and distract yourself with positive focus. Maybe the truth is, there is no end to healing.
If you are feeling this way in your awakening journey or in your healing process, the first thing that needs to happen is you need to hear the following: Welcome to the club. You are so not alone in this feeling. And hitting this point in your healing process is absolutely universal. But then, you need to know the following:
Anything that has a beginning has to automatically have an end. This is the universal law of polarity. So, if there was a beginning to your wounding, (which there was) there is also an end to it and we call this the state of being healed. Even universally speaking, universal fragmentation (which is universal wounding) began with the thought “I”. This means that even universal fragmentation will come to an end. The opposite of fragmentation is that which is beyond ‘oneness’. If you want to understand this concept, watch my video titled: Oneness Is Not The Ultimate Truth Of The Universe. This means for any of you who recognize that as a fractal of the universe, you are not just healing your own fragmentation, but the world’s and the universe’s fragmentation, yes there is even an end to that.
The resistance that you have to healing will be greatly reduced by understanding what healing is exactly. Healing is the process of positively changing a pattern. It is to experience the opposite. For example, to heal loneliness is to experience togetherness. To heal a broken bone is to mend it. It is to go from fragmented to whole. It is to go from unwanted to wanted. Healing is therefore about desire. Therefore personal expansion is about healing. This means the entire process of universal expansion is about healing and you came here to life for personal and universal expansion so healing is essentially what you came here to life for.
No one is born on earth without opting into unhealed ancestral patterns. No one experiences life on earth without experiencing what is unwanted. Trauma is currently a fact of life. Every person is here to heal many things. Most people simply do not realize this. Most people are busy pretending they have nothing to heal because of the cultural stigma and sense of failure associated with something being wrong with you. We make the fact that we have healing to do, mean that something is wrong with us. This is odd because it means we have judged that where we are is wrong. The healing of things creates universal expansion. This means if you are in the process of healing, nothing is wrong with you. It means you are alive. If you want to know more about healing, I suggest you watch my video titled: What Is Healing?
We tend to look at healing like we look at a dirty kitchen. We feel like it is something we have to get done and that we can’t really start living or feeling good until it is entirely done. This is daunting if we have opted into a life where we are particularly wounded and therefore particularly fragmented. When we look at healing like this, we get the same feeling that we experience when a colossal knot gets tied in fishing line. We feel like there is no point, it’s too hard, we should just cut the line. But I want you to realize that literally any time you heal anything, you will feel just that much better and your life will get just that much better. The process of healing is more like cleaning a window covered in dust and cobwebs. You don’t have to clean the whole thing so that light can finally get in. Each inch you clean lets that much more light into the room. This means the better it gets, the better it gets. You can and will feel good.
Even though there is absolutely an end to the process of healing, the process of healing will get better if you stop focusing on needing there to be an end. The closer you can get to not caring if there is ever an end, the less the process of healing will cause you to suffer. You don’t want to spend your whole life feeling shitty cause you aren’t where you want to be and judging where you are as wrong. Ask yourself a question: How could I fall in love with the process of healing? How could I fall in love with the process of finding out how to change something unwanted into its wanted opposite? In my next point, I am going to tell you the reason to approach healing in this way especially if you have committed to the path of awakening.
When people have a personal enlightenment experience, like Buddha did, we could say that they have fully individually healed. They have fully integrated on an individual level. But the individual awakening puts you back at square one in a way because part of personal enlightenment is to realize that you and the universe are one and the same. You are essentially a fractal of the universe at large. The universe is therefore within you, not just external to you. And this means that even if you have awoken, if there is even one person on earth that has not, you cannot be fully awake. This is the point at which most awakened beings become teachers and healers in an in alignment way. This is the point at which healing is no longer simply an individual process, it is a process that involves the entire world and more than that. The universe at large. There can be no division between individual and collective healing. If there is a war happening in the world, there is a war within you. We can address this world both externally and internally because they are one and the same.
But when we realize where we are as a universe and where the world is and where human beings are, it is easy to see how many things there are to heal. We will most likely spend a lifetime or hundreds of lifetimes and the human race alone will not be fully healed. We don’t even know consciously what a fully ‘healed’ human looks like. Instead of giving up because it is too much of a daunting task to face, we can see that we simply need to focus on whatever is in front of us at the moment. Healing will happen one step at a time and the better it gets, the better it gets.
While we are focusing on healing, essentially closing the gap between where we are and where we want to be, what we have and what we want, we can greatly improve the process by not trying to avoid the process and to the opposite, not trying to rush the process to get it all done. We can focus on what is already healed within us. Any gratitude practice or positive focus practice will help us in this respect. We can also do things just for the simple enjoyment of it. You are here to really live the experience of healing. This means if you manage to go from loneliness to togetherness, revel in it. Do things that are fun. Do things that make you smile and laugh and feel inspired. Soak it up. Don’t just look for the next thing to heal. You can live while you are healing.
Never approach healing as if you are trying to fix yourself. When people experience the feeling that doing shadow work only leads to more shadows or that trying to heal yourself only leads to more things to heal most often occurs in people who focus on healing as if something needs to be fixed. When we focus at ourselves or at other people as if something needs to be fixed, we are focusing at ourselves or them with an attitude of ‘something is wrong with you’. This makes it so law of attraction lines us up only with more and more things being wrong with us. When this is the case, often what we need to do to heal is to focus at ourselves so as to see what is right about us. It means that the healing is in learning to be unconditionally with ourselves with approval as we are instead of trying to change ourselves.
There is no way out but through it. We are hard wired to avoid pain. We are always looking for the relief. If we put our hand on the hot stove, we take it off. We all want to get out of pain. So often the ways that we use to get out of pain only compounds the problem. Even though we feel temporarily better, like with Novocain, it does nothing to create actual healing and as is the case with so many of our coping mechanisms, in fact only wounds us further. In some cases, as is the case when part of the healing process involves grief, the only way out is to go completely through it. This means we have to make negative emotion and pain something we are willing to feel in order to feel better. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The Emotional Wakeup Call. The healing of the collective human consciousness is dependent upon us creating a society where we can make room for pain. You currently live in a world that has made only positive things, like positive emotions and success and being healed, acceptable. This is a world that sees anything less than this as a failure. This prevents people from healing. It prevents people from admitting to where they are and taking the sometimes counterintuitive steps they need to take in order to heal. It is ok to not be ok. It isn’t what you want for yourself or for anyone else. But pain is not the enemy. Neither is negative emotion. All it is, is information that you aren’t where you want to be or that something needs your loving attention so that it can be healed and integrated. We need to learn to go toward the pain with our consciousness to truly heal and truly awaken. The only way out… is in.
Nothing is permanent. There will be times, especially if what you are healing is states of powerlessness, where it will feel like the unwanted state will never, ever end and that you can do nothing to end it. But it is in fact impossible in a world that operates according to the universal laws that are in place here for anything that has a beginning to not have an end. It is also impossible in a universe with these universal laws to desire something that cannot happen. It is only possible to not know exactly how to make them happen at the current moment. But finding out how to create what we desire is the juice of life. It is so much of what you came here to experience.
I know that sometimes it feels like the healing process will never end. But it can and it will. But you can get to the place where because the better it gets, the better it gets, you will not really care if it ends. In fact the process of healing is what you will feel like you get the greatest joy out of.
Before you continue watching this video [reading this article], I want you to stop this video now and to answer this question without looking up any definitions or involving any one else’s opinion: What is healing? What does it mean to heal?
Healing is one of those things that is a part of every person’s life but we all conceptualize of it differently. We know that healing implies some form of positive change. But we often feel confused about what it entails and how exactly to achieve healing.
When it comes to our physical bodies, when we say healing, we usually conceptualize of it meaning to return to or to achieve a state of wholeness and health where we are free from illness or injury. When it comes to our emotions and mind, we usually conceptualize of it meaning to get over something so we feel good emotionally and are thinking positive thoughts. But this way of conceptualizing of healing leads to genuine confusion. It makes healing into not only an abstract concept, but also it turns the process of healing into a kind of ‘quest for the holy grail’.
Today, I’m going to explain what healing actually is on the most fundamental level of our existence. And by knowing this, you will not only understand what healing actually is, you will have understand the strategy for how to achieve it.
At the most fundamental level, everything is energy. Energy is simply potential energy until different patterns arise within that energy. These patterns are what dictates whether energy ultimately becomes a toothbrush or an emotion or a tree. Patterns are like the blueprint of your physical existence. Because everything is a pattern, all forms of illness are also specific patterns. And to heal something is to change that pattern. Therefore, the first layer to understand about healing is that to heal is to change a pattern. It is the opposite of repetition and redundancy. Now we must look at how to change a pattern.
When something is unhealed, it is exhibiting a pattern that we don’t like. It is in a state that is unwanted. Therefore, we can greatly simplify healing in that it is a change of a pattern that is unwanted into a pattern that is wanted. This usually entails changing it into the opposite pattern. Therefore, the second layer to understand about healing is that healing is to experience the opposite.
Now that you understand that to heal is to change a pattern into the opposite, let’s see how it works practically in several different scenarios.
If our leg is broken, to change that pattern of broken into its opposite is to put together/ mend.
If we feel demeaned, to heal is to feel valued.
If we are traumatized by snakes, to heal is to form a different association with snakes so that instead of feeling negative towards them, we feel positive towards them.
If we are lonely, to heal is to achiever togetherness.
If we are chronically thinking that money is hard to get, to heal is to be able to think the thought that money comes easily.
If we are abused to heal is to be treated lovingly.
If we feel powerless, to heal is to feel empowered.
If we are stuck, to heal is to be able to move.
The answer then for how to heal is simply to figure out how to go from point a to point b. For example, how to go from being alone to being with people. Where this gets complex for most people is in the realm of physical ailment. The reason is that the patterns involved in physical ailment are not purely physical. For example, we could look at cancer and say that if cancer is abnormal cell growth and division, to heal cancer is to be free of those abnormal cells and for the body to achieve normal cell growth and division. However, what most people do not know is that underlying every physical ailment is an underlying problem in consciousness. Another way of saying this is that there is a mental and emotional root to all physical ailments.
Cancer occurs when the consciousness loses control over its own cells that make up the body. These cells cease to follow the signals that tell them what to do in the body. They go rogue. This occurs because the pattern that has been adopted by the consciousness of the individual is perceiving oneself to be out of control and therefore powerless. This is the main reason why cancer is so prevalent now a days. We feel more and more powerless and out of control in our own lives. But depending on the type of cancer, the feeling of being out of control and therefore powerless is relative to different things. Each organ in the body corresponds to different types of consciousness.
To give you a few examples, the stomach relates to our capacity to accept things. The breasts relate to responsibility relative to others and to the giving of love. The bones relate to our experience of foundation and support. Therefore, for the sake of your understanding of healing as it applies to cancer, I will greatly simplify the idea of healing cancer in this way: The real underlying cause of bone cancer would be feeling totally out of control and therefore powerless to creating a stable foundation in your life which includes the experience of having support. Therefore healing bone cancer would in fact be about feeling empowered to and capable of creating a stable foundation in your life, which includes the experience of having support.
The reason that so many people say that cancer is always about childhood grief is because these patterns in our consciousness that lead to cancer in specific areas always have their roots in our childhood experiences. This is usually when we adopt these patterns in our consciousness. For example, a child growing up with parents who are either absent or living in their own realities may feel like they have no stability or support and if this person does not find something else in their life outside mom and dad to create that experience for them, they would be at risk for bone disorders, including (if they feel totally powerless to create it) bone cancer.
Yes, it is at this point that all parents, including myself are about to collapse on the floor from the torment, fear and pressure of feeling like we could potentially doom our children’s future with the slightest mistake. I realize that because so much of our suffering has its roots in childhood experience as well as ancestral patterns that we opt into in this life, that parenting seems more terrifying to most of you by the second. I will do an episode on this in the future so that parents don’t die of nervous stress. But for this episode, I only introduce this point about the kind of patterns in consciousness that underlie physical ailments so as to help you to better understand healing.
To heal anything, we must ‘experience the opposite’. We must experience what is wanted, instead of what is unwanted. And this is why healing is the premise of universal expansion. Once we achieve whatever state is wanted, we are then free to give rise to new desire. It is desire that is always calling universal consciousness into the new; beyond where universal consciousness has been before. So knowing this, anytime you feel you need to heal something, but healing that thing feels abstract to you, look at the current state of whatever it is that is unhealed. Become conscious of its current pattern and from there, figure out what the opposite pattern would be. The process of healing then is before you. It is the process of going from point a to point b, from the unwanted experience to the wanted experience. And there are so many ways to do that, which is why so many different people succeed at healing with so many different approaches.
I have been traveling the world and will continue to do so with the message that it is ok to not be ok. We live in a society that is obsessed with happiness. The message is that if you aren’t feeling happy, something must be terribly wrong with you. But today, we are going to look at another dynamic. We are going to look a barrier to happiness, which is when the only way to be ok is to not be ok.
In human society, envy is a reality of human existence. It does not feel good to feel less than. It does not feel good to feel like you can’t have something you want that someone else has. Envy makes people perceive a huge grand canyon between themselves and the other person. When we are not conscious enough of what is going on, we end up simply reacting to the pain. When we react to the pain of envy, we seek to remedy the gap between us and them by pulling them backwards, trying to take away what they have that we don’t have, trying to prove that we are better then them and treating them like the enemy who is hurting us. This sets up a dynamic where even though we all want success and happiness, there is a certain amount of social risk involved in getting those things or letting other people know that we have them. Even though it is socially unsafe to fail completely and to be super unhappy, there is a certain amount of social safety in talking about what is wrong with you and bad about you and in not being super happy or super successful. It guarantees that you will not be a target and can thus avoid pain.
But sometimes, this social patterning goes much deeper and being not ok is a means of survival. When most people have children, they are not in a place where they have resolved their own unresolved wounding. In fact one of the main reasons that children even happen in the universe is for the sake of expansion. They come to reflect their parents. By reflecting their parents, they needle their parents into their expansion. The shadows of the family line come to be resolved through progeny. When parents are particularly unhealed, like they are in a dysfunctional family, what is happening in a parent’s conscious mind is far different than what is happening under the surface of what they can and will consciously admit to.
This parent may say that they want their child to be happy. But the child’s happiness is actually a threat to his or her own sense of self. I will paint you a picture of what I mean. I want you to imagine a little girl who is super happy lying on the living room floor with her fruit snacks and toys. When the mother sees her daughter happy, it reminds her of how happy she isn’t. It reminds her of the way she sacrificed her own ambition for the sake of staying home to raise this little girl. It reminds her of how she feels used and abused because while this little girl plays, she has to clean the dishes and do the laundry. She feels like she has no personal success and instead is expected to be a slave with no personal worth of her own. She actually feels like her daughter is leaving her behind and abandoning her emotionally when her daughter is happy and she is not. This pain wells up in her. She is not conscious enough to do anything constructive with it or change anything about her life choices because of it. So, she feels like this little girl is causing her pain. Her subconscious rises up with vengeance. The mom blindsides this little girl by shaming her for being selfish or withdrawing or complaining to someone about motherhood in front of her or tells the little girl something that would make her sad or afraid. All of this is done to re-establish a sense of closeness with her daughter. But the message is clear: “You cannot be close to me if you are happy”. Closeness with our parents is what our survival depends on. And so the child will give up joy for fusion with this person.
When we grow up around adults like this, we learn that joy is socially dangerous. We learn it is the road to isolation and punishment. And so not being ok is our way of establishing social closeness with people. Not being ok is also our white flag that we raise to cry mercy. We know that if we demonstrate that we are not ok, people will not have any motive to tear us down or add pain to us and might in fact be manipulated into being loving towards us instead.
If we grew up with this kind of dynamic, we also learn that we can’t take things too far in the opposite direction. This parent lives their life from a foundation of shame. If we are miserable, they will take that personally too but not being able to face that shame, they will deflect it and turn you into the family problem. They will use your unhappiness as a way to escape from their own problems and to meet their needs through other people’s pity. To understand more about this dynamic, I encourage you to watch my video titled: Deflection, The Coping Mechanism From Hell.
Many parents with this pattern build their relationship with their children on obligation. When their child is not ok, out of obligation they come close to their child. When the child is ok, they vanish to do their own thing. I watch many children growing up in this kind of environment that take the crumb of obligation as a substitute for real love. They constantly create conflict or crisis or accidents to get those crumbs because the alternative they are looking at is emotional starvation.
The thing that makes this pattern the most difficult to see is that it is not that people caught in this pattern act as if they aren’t ok when they are ok. They genuinely are in hell emotionally and they genuinely have things going wrong. They are genuinely wounded. It’s just that even though they consciously want to heal and be ok or feel happy, a huge unconscious part of them resists that because the prospect of being ok is terrifying. It has been ingrained that being ok and happy means guaranteed pain. So they learn that there is a very safe but painful sweet spot called ‘I’m not ok’.
Many people, who grew up in this pattern as children, learn to adapt by creating fusion with their parent by spending their lives devoted to the wellbeing of their parent. This is the heart of the parentified child syndrome. This child gives up their happiness for their parent’s. They learn that their only worth and value is to rescue their parent when he or she is unhappy. When the parent is happy, the parent often withdraws to do his or her own thing. The message this child receives is that he or she is only going to receive connection when someone is not ok and that conversely, they are going to be abandoned if someone is ok. This person grows into a person who will withdraw any time someone is happy or will create a collapse in someone else so that they aren’t ok so they can come in and get connection through the rescue of the very negative emotional state that they, themselves created. This child grows up to be a person who feels they have no worth in and of themselves. No one could possibly want to be with them for them. The only reason anyone would want to be with them is to use them as an emotional buoy.
As adults, the people who learned it wasn’t ok to be ok and that the only way to have emotional closeness is to either not be ok or for the other person to not be ok, find each other. They find each other and perpetuate these same painful patterns of staying unhappy and creating unhappiness so as to maintain closeness. And we need to be aware of this dynamic if we want to change it. It isn’t possible to be happy and not have closeness with other people. But even if it were, happiness is not worth being alone. And so, if we don’t become aware of this pattern so as to make different choices in our relationships, we will never be ok and we will never be happy. We will side with being close to each other and unhappy instead.
We tend to project the idea that we had of our primary authority figures over the universe at large and or God. What we expect from the universe is no different from what we expected from them. If this pattern was the pattern in our childhoods, we expect that any time we are ok or worse… happy, it is a guarantee that the universe will immediately knock us out of that place with a stressor, pain or tragedy. We need to see that this has nothing to do with the universe at large. It is other people who created and may be currently creating this pattern because we perpetuate this pattern in our adult relationships. The universe is not against your happiness, but it is a real potential that someone in your life may be.
In truth, connection and closeness should have absolutely nothing to do with being ok or not being ok. Whether a person is happy or not should have nothing to do with connection. They are two independent things. We need connection if we are OK and we need connection if we are not OK. But in today’s world with today’s social shadows, we need to begin to let ourselves be connected and be happy at the same time. We need to stay connected whether we are happy or sad. Happiness has got to cease to be something that isolates us or causes us to isolate other people. By making this change in our relationships, we will create a world where it will not only be ok to not be ok; it will be ok to be ok.
When most of us enter into a relationship, we do so because we can’t wait to be near someone. We get butterflies in our stomach. Wild horses couldn’t hold us back from them. We finish all of our other tasks so that we can get to what we really want, which is to just be with them; enjoying their presence and connection. But for some of us, at a certain point in the relationship, something changes.
The pattern I am about to expose is a pattern I have seen in some women but it is by far and away most common amongst men. And it is a pattern that is the road to ruin in relationships. It is in fact the single biggest contributor to women deciding to cheat.
There is a phase of a relationship called the limerence phase. This is the phase where wild horses couldn’t keep us away from someone and all else that we could be doing pales in comparison to being with that person. Our bodies are alit with a chemical cocktail that causes us to feel totally and completely in love. For most couples, this phase begins to wear off somewhere within the two year mark. People start getting used to each other and taking each other for granted. It is at this point that either the relationship slowly dissolves or we now take the opportunity to practice conscious love by choice. It is at this point however that many people, especially men, begin to see the relationship as a task… As something that needs to get done.
Many people, especially men, approach life as if it is a never ending to do list. Life isn’t about being. It is about doing. It’s about the bills that need to be paid, the chores that have to be done. Life is about the steps that can be crossed off of the list so you can move on to the next thing. Even vacations become a thing to check of the list of things that need to be done. If we are not careful and are not loving consciously, our relationship falls into this category of things that need to be done. Our relationship becomes a task.
We do this with our partners, our friends, our children, our parents and the list goes on and on. We destroy our relationships by making the other person feel like they are a chore that needs to be done.
I cannot tell you how many men have destroyed their relationships this way. Their wives of girlfriends become one of their many tasks. Now, instead of being with their girlfriends or wives because they really want to be with them, they think of the woman’s need for them. Being with her then becomes something that he is doing in order to keep her happy and maintain the relationship in the same way that repainting the exterior of a house is the way to keep it from deteriorating.
Why does this destroy a relationship? Because it means that they have become a task that has to be done. No one’s self esteem can survive that message. The message is ‘you’re not good enough for me to want to be around you for my own sake and do these things for the joy of seeing you feel good.’ Imagine a man taking a woman on a first date. Imagine he showed up late and said, “Ok, I finally have some time now since I finished all the stuff I had to do today and I still have a lot to do but I know it’s important for you to have someone one on one time with me.” Or imagine that when he handed her flowers he did it with an air of doing it just because it is something a man should do to keep her happy. This man wouldn’t make it past the first date. To be honest, he wouldn’t make it to the first drink.
If we are treating a relationship like a task, we are not really deciding to prioritize being with the other person or doing things for them from a space of loving them and enjoying their presence and wanting to be around them because we value their presence in our life so much. Instead, we have decided that having the relationship in our life is important and there are steps we have to take now for them or for the relationship, whether we want to from our hearts or not, to ensure that the relationship is maintained. For women, sex often becomes one of these ‘tasks’. For men, quality time often becomes one of these ‘tasks’. It is impossible for the other person to feel loved when we treat doing them like it is a task.
Our being with another person should be led by enjoyment. It should not be a task. If the relationship is a task and we cannot use our conscious minds to chose to love them in a way where we can re-access the genuine desire to be with them and do for them, then the relationship is not a healthy one. It has become a means to an end for us. The relationship has become a transaction. And after becoming fully conscious about what exactly changed for us, we need to seriously consider whether we should stay in it.
If I really appreciate being with someone, I do not approach being with them like a thing that must be done. They do not have to ask me for my presence either. I approach it like I can’t wait to do it for my own sake. If I really love someone, I do not need to commit to the task of demonstrating love for them. I feel naturally inspired to touch them, tell them loving things, do things for them, give them gifts etc.
Any time you set aside time to spend with another person, ask yourself why you are doing it. If nothing else, it is important to be conscious of your actual motives, no matter how unsavory they may be. Whenever you do anything for someone, ask yourself why you are doing it. Are you doing it as a task? Are you doing it because you really, really want to for the joy of it or are you doing it as a necessary step to ensuring something else that you want? If you are making the relationship a task, put yourself in the other person’s shoes. How would it feel if they treated being with you or doing things for you like a chore or like a to do item to check off of the list. How would you feel if the message they were sending was that they were in the relationship for your sake and not their own? Only you can answer these questions and know whether what you are doing is right for you or whether you need to make a serious change.
Life is not a task. Relationships are not a task. Life and love is not something you can check off a list. They are not a means to an end. They are the end you are seeking. Be in life and be in love as if the being in and of itself is what you came here for and you will have happy relationships. And never forget, a happy life is about happy relationships because relationships really are what life is composed of.
We all want to be with people who act like adults in relationships. Unfortunately, our capacity to be adults in our relationships is greatly hindered by our capacity to take ownership and responsibility for ourselves and our loved ones.
Boundaries are a sense of self such as personal preferences and aversions, personal desires, personal needs and personal emotions. They are essentially your personal truth at any moment. When we were young many of us grow up in a household where we are not allowed to have boundaries. We were not allowed to define ourselves because our parents perceived it as a personal threat to their personal preferences, desires, needs, feelings and therefore personal truths. Therefore, asserting our personal boundaries was met with disapproval, withdrawal and punishment. We needed closeness with our parents desperately. The only way to achieve this and reduce the conflict between us and them was to abandon our boundaries. We did things not because doing those things was a decision coming from our free will, but because we wanted to not get in trouble. This pattern of doing things just because we don’t want to get in trouble is a pattern that we carry into our adult relationships and because of it, we re-enact a child and punitive parent style relationship in our friendships and partnerships and work relationships and end up feeling miserably resentful and controlled in our relationships.
The first thing you need to accept is that free will is an absolute of your existence. You had free will even as a baby and child. It is just that the consequences of exercising your free will as a child are often too great and so you make the decision to comply. You are actually using your free will to decide against yourself in this scenario. Because of this, it doesn’t feel like that decision is actually your decision. It feels like you are forced into it. It feels like someone is putting you in the position where there is only one decision to make. And they have put you in that position. But you still could hypothetically choose not to comply. You could choose to bear the brunt of the consequences instead. None of us would expect a child to do this. It is out of the choice to self-preserve that they choose to abandon themselves for the sake of fusion with their parent. But we have to see that it is actually a choice they are making with their own free will to do so. We need to see it is a choice they are making in order to see the meaning of ‘owning a decision’. If in this scenario, a child really owned that they are consciously choosing for the sake of themselves to comply, they would feel their own free will and therefore not feel controlled. They would be hurt and angry that their parent did not accept them for who they are at all, but resentment would not be the emotion they felt towards their parent.
We see this dynamic all the time in adult relationships where one person complies with another person so as to not get in trouble and to maintain closeness or harmony with them, but does not really own their free will involved in that decision and so they feel controlled and resentful. And this leads to all kinds subconscious behaviors that destroy the relationship. For example, a wife asserts that she needs to see more of her husband. She has been expressing insecurity about whether the marriage will actually last because he is so unavailable. When his work day ends, he wants to go out to drink with his colleagues at the bar. But he rushes home instead, after expressing to his friends that he can’t because “the ball and chain” referring to his wife. He is doing this purely to avoid the consequences. He is not doing this because he really owns her happiness as part of his best interests and therefore really owns the decision as the decision that is best for him to make. He hasn’t owned it as a self serving decision. He also hasn’t really considered whether he genuinely wants to make a stand against having to be available. Therefore, when he comes home, he is irritable, acts as if he doesn’t want to be there and does little things like spend a long time undressing and checking his phone as an act of rebellion against the oppressor, his wife. In reality, she isn’t the oppressor at all. He has projected his own mother onto his wife.
Another example is friend one tells friend two to invest money with the new product they are selling. Friend two is afraid to insult friend one and create a conflict by saying no. So, he says yes. He did not say yes because it is a decision he really owned, he didn’t make it his. Therefore, he didn’t assume the risks involved as his own chosen risks. The investment turns out to be bad and so he loses the money. Now friend two is really upset at friend one. Friend two feels resentful and as if he was duped. Now, he distrusts friend one and expects friend one to make amends. This confuses friend one because even though friend one feels guilty that he was the one to suggest the investment, he assumed friend two chose to take the risk out of his own free will.
The amount of examples I could give for this dynamic are endless. But it all really boils down to one concept: We must learn to feel the reality of our free will in our relationships and in every choice we make. If we make a decision, we must make it because we really consciously take that choice to be in alignment with our own boundaries. We must make the decision our decision, not a decision we are being forced into against our will. No one can actually force you to do something against your free will. What they can do is to put you in a position where making the choice they want you to make is the only decision that will ensure your self-preservation and so most people make that choice.
If you struggle with this dynamic in your life, it is a near guarantee that you also struggle with transactional style of relationships. When we do things to avoid being in trouble, we comply with other people and all too often expect them to do the same for us when things really matter to us. When they don’t, we feel this is wildly unfair. We essentially comply to ensure that they will comply as well. For this reason, after you watch this video [read this article], I strongly encourage you to watch my video titled: Cut The Invisible Strings.
Any time you do anything, you need to ask yourself “Why am I doing this? Am I doing this simply to stay out of trouble or avoid consequences?” If so, you are at a crossroads. Either you own that decision completely, so you find a way to change your perspective so that you can make that decision something you are doing because it is the best decision for you to make with your own free will and because of that you want to because it is self serving as well. Or, you decide there is a genuine need conflict and so, taking care to take the other person as part of yourself instead of wage war against them, you are going to enter into a conscious conflict so you can both arrive at a decision that is in alignment with both of your individual best interests, a decision that both of you can individually own and feel good about.
On the rare occasion, genuine incompatibilities make it so when this occurs, there is no way for two people’s best interests to be in alignment and this leads to either a change in the type of relationship itself or to an end in the relationships. But it is the rare occasion and even if this is painful, it is better than feeling like you have given your needs, desires, feelings, and personal truth up to stay in a relationship and are therefore miserable in the relationship.
Becoming an adult in our relationships has first and foremost to do with owning our free will and exercising it. We must use our free will to own the decision to include someone as part of ourselves and therefore to take the other person’s best interests as a genuine part of our best interests. It is at this point that we become responsible, not only for ourselves, but also for those that we love. Not because we feel forced against our will to do it, but because we genuinely want to do it.
So many of us struggle with behaviors that create more problems in our lives and that interfere with our goals. Self-sabotage is a part of so many people’s lives is it not? The answer is no. The first thing we need to do is to look at some examples of self-sabotage. We have something to do, but we procrastinate it. We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking. Consciously, we really want a relationship to work, but we keep pushing the other person away or doing and saying things to create conflict in the relationship. We consciously want a job, but we suddenly say things in the interview that makes the boss check us off his list of candidates.
Self Sabotage is essentially thoughts, words and actions (behaviors) that are self defeating. They work AGAINST you when it comes to attaining something that you want. Clearly you can see that self-sabotage is a reality. But I’m here to tell you today that it is not a reality. How can that be?
Consciousness can and does split itself. This means that even though we call our self by one name and therefore identify ourselves as being one unified thing, the reality is that we are more of an amalgamation of fragmented parts or selves. We are more like a mosaic or a stained glass window. Our degree of internal suffering is about the degree of harmony (or lack there of) between these internal selves. If you are experiencing self sabotage, it is because not all of your internal selves or parts agree with your conscious desires. One or more of them are resisting or opposing the parts that contain your conscious desires.
I am making a bold claim. I am telling you that there is no such thing as an internal saboteur and there is no such thing as an internal abuser. If any of your internal parts or selves are resisting or opposing your desires, or if any of them are hurting other parts of you in any way, it is because they think it is in your best interest for them to do so. In other words, they believe they are saving your life by not going along with the plan. For this reason, we cannot say that they are against you. They just don’t agree with the rest of you about how to be FOR you.
Here are some examples:
We have something to do, but we procrastinate it. In this scenario, one fragment or part within us (the one we are consciously identified with) has made the decision to do something. The other part thinks that doing that thing will lead to discomfort or some kind of pain. Therefore, it is trying to prevent you from experiencing that pain by keeping you from doing it.
We hold onto addictions like binge eating or drinking. In this scenario, one part (the one we are consciously identified with) has decided it is committed to stop the addiction. The other part believes that the life you want is not actually possible to achieve and so it thinks that letting go of the addiction will simply make it so you are in hell alone and now have to just sit in the agony of that misery permanently. It would rather you have the Novocain so to speak.
Consciously, we really want a relationship to work, but we keep pushing the other person away or doing and saying things to create conflict in the relationship. In this scenario, one fragment or part within us (the one we are consciously identified with) has made the decision to be in a relationship an make it work. Another part knows that relationships have been so painful in the past and that it has been abandoned and therefore thinks abandonment is inevitable. So it is trying to save you from the pain of getting attached to something you are inevitably going to lose.
You consciously want a job, but you suddenly say things in the interview that makes the boss check you off his list of candidates. In this scenario, one part of you has decided the best idea is to work at that job. The other part thinks that job is not what you should be doing. That it is in the opposite direction of your authentic essence. And that therefore life will be drudgery and effort if you take that job.
Self hate. That’s where you think you have me beat right? Obviously self-hate is the exception to the rule. Think again. When you discover the parts involved in self hate what you find is that a person internalizes their external abuser. Essentially, one part feels that by hating and punishing and therefore trying to get another part to change, it is preventing them from getting that hate and disapproval and shaming and punishment from the outside, from another person. By doing so, it is trying to get the person the love they so desperately need from the outside.
Metaphorically speaking what any form of self sabotage always has in common is that one part thinks the answer to a good life and happiness is going left and another part thinks that going left is literally the road to ruin. But what you must see is that both parts actually have your best interests at heart. We have to understand that no part within us is actually against us. We need to approach the issue with this understanding to create alignment within us between these opposed parts.
There are limitless possibilities for why a part is opposed to our conscious desires. But in order to move beyond the behaviors we call self-sabotaging, we must see the self-preserving nature of them. We must empathize completely with the parts within us that think our salvation is in the opposite direction of our conscious desires.
One of the best methods for exploring this part is that we can close our eyes and ask to see this part that is doing the self-sabotaging behavior in our minds eye. The one that is procrastinating or causing conflict in the relationship or is showing up to things late or is screwing up interviews. We let the image of that part appear however it appears. If it helps us, we can see if this part within us has a name. We can begin to observe it and study its behaviors and perspectives and wants and needs and motivations. We can ask it questions. We can explore its relationship to other parts within us.
Alternatively, we can let go of being identified with the perspective of that thing we want being what is good for us and instead, choose to fully become only that part within us. If you do it this way, you are deciding to allow the consciousness of only that part to take over your body. As if it were another person within you and you were getting fully into its perspective only. State internally to yourself or choose with your intention, “I accept to become the part of me that fill in the blank.” Such as “I accept to become that part of me that shows up late”. Or “I accept to become the part of me that wants to keep drinking”. Then surrender and allow the energy of that part of you that shows up late to fill in the spaces within your whole body. Then, you can write as that part. You will write in terms of “I” but, “I” will be this part speaking, not you. Don’t think about the answers you give, just give them as if you are doing a steam of consciousness exercise. Know that anything that is said or felt during this exercise is valid and has appeared for an important reason.
The goal is to seek to find a way for both of these opposed parts of you to agree upon a course of action. It is as if our objective mind acts as a benevolent mediator who can empathize with both sides and whose goal is to find a way for both sides to win or feel good with a course of action or decision. Be open to the idea that by exploring that part’s perspective that you may change your mind about what you actually ant or what is actually right for you to do.
We will see an end to the ‘self sabotage’ when we choose to resolve the pain contained in this part that is keeping it fragmented from the rest of us. We can meet its needs with our imagination and subsequently implement the changes this part of us needs in our day-to-day life. We can also improve the relationship that this part has with the part within us that it is opposed to. By doing this, we create internal peace and integration. We can restore ourselves back to a state of internal peace.
If we experience self sabotage, we fear ourselves and we distrust ourselves. But there is no reason to feel this way towards yourself. Even the parts within you that seem to be hurting you, are actually doing so because they think it is in your best interests. This means that even if they disagree on the general strategy for how to make you feel good and live the best life possible; this is what they all ultimately want. They want you to feel better. They want you to live the best life possible. And so, because of the purity of their intentions for you, it can be said that there is really no such thing as self sabotage.
There is a little boy. His mom was a stay at home mom and his dad was a lawyer. His parents have decided to get a divorce. They move into different houses. The boy has to go back and forth. Because they got a divorce, the mother had to start working and so the boy is put in daycare. He only sees his dad on weekends.
In this little boy’s reality, he has lost his parents and his sense of home. His dad is now inaccessible to him. And so is his mother. He has no stability. He is now forced to spend the day with strangers. He has lost the life that he loved. He is in pain and he is afraid. But there is no resolution for this. There is no resolution because in his parent’s reality, they are both still there for him. They are both accessible to him. They have gotten a divorce, which hurts, but it was for the better since they were both unhappy in the marriage. In their reality, everything between them and their son is fine. He is being taken care of. Because this is their reality, when this little boy starts getting nose bleeds (the non physical cause of nosebleeds is needing one’s pain that is not being acknowledged to be seen) and when he starts acting differently, they assume that something must be wrong with the boy. They can’t see what is actually causing these reactions in the boy because what is actually happening to him doesn’t fit into their perception of his reality. They are not actually seeing his reality. They are only seeing their own. And in their reality, the boy’s actual reality cannot be accommodated.
There is an emotional grand canyon between this child and his parents. In fact, there is no relationship between this boy and his parents because they occupy different realities. In a world where we can have different experiences of the same situation, we have different perceptual realities. If we cannot acknowledge, see, feel, hear, understand and accommodate each other’s realities by seeing them as real, There is no relationship. There is only the illusion of a relationship. There is only the promise and potential of a relationship.
For this Grand Canyon to go away between this boy and his parents, his parents would have to see that from his perspective, the fact that he has lost his home and lost access to his parents and lost stability and is now in lots of pain because of what he lost is REAL. Just because they are right that they still love him and they haven’t abandoned him and the divorce was for the best doesn’t make his reality any less real. If they can’t do this, they cannot make any of the changes necessary to help this boy to feel better. They cannot resolve the rupture in their closeness. Anything they say or do will merely be an invalidation of him. Anything they say or do will simply condemn him to being stuck in that pain and that fear with no resolution. The entire relationship is a gaslight. The parents inability to see, hear, feel and understand their son’s reality makes it so they constantly make him believe what he sees, he doesn’t see accurately, what he hears, he doesn’t hear accurately, what he feels, he shouldn’t feel and that his reality is not real.
I want you to imagine that your right leg is shattered. Your left leg is fine. Your left leg’s reality is that it feels fine. Your right leg’s reality is that it is in agony. If the left leg is unwilling to acknowledge that the right leg’s reality is agony, it may try to run a race. It does this because it wants to run. To acknowledge that the right leg is shattered and is in agony would mean that it would have to change something. It couldn’t go forward with running without making some kind of change first. And if it did, it would have to live with the reality that it is an abuser of the right leg. To avoid seeing itself in that light and to avoid having to change, it simply decided not to see the reality that the right leg is in agony and is shattered.
I did a video a while ago called “The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality”. In this video, I explain the mechanism of parallel perceptual realities and why they are so dangerous. I want you to watch that video when you are done with this article.
The unwillingness to occupy the same reality or accommodate each other’s reality is an epidemic in our relationships. Because our own realities were not seen, felt, heard, understood or accommodated, we either live our lives in torment (and some of us do) or we disconnect from other people’s realities too and become the problem. We cope by solidifying our own reality to the degree that we do not perceive the realities of others. We decide they aren’t real. Our relationships become a battle of reality vs. reality. And if we have grown up in this kind of split reality where no relationship actually exists, we become a match to relationships in our adulthood where there is also a split reality between ourselves and our partner. There is no actual relationship at all.
Using the previous analogy, if the parents try to get the boy to accept their reality as his reality in the divorce scenario, not only is it an invalidation of his reality, the reality is that he will not be able to because doing so does not address any of the pain he is in. It brings no resolution.
From the outside, we can see that the parents are right from their perspective and the boy is right from his perspective and neither perspective invalidates the other. They are playing different roles and these different roles come with different experiences. But we can also see that if these parents don’t accept his reality, the relationship between them is doomed.
I did a video called get on the same page. I strongly encourage you to watch that video if you haven’t already or even to watch it as a refresher. The unwillingness to accommodate each other’s realities and respond directly to those realities is the greatest from of different page you can be on in a relationship.
Now this is where I’m about to give you the holy grail of this concept… A relationship is actually only ever as good and strong as the perceptual reality of the person who is in the most pain in the relationship. This is the reality that matters. The negative perceptual reality is where the separation in the relationship actually exists. It is not the positive perceptual reality that is the problem. It is not the positive perceptual reality that needs something to be done and needs resolve. By not accepting that person’s ‘relationship reality’ so to speak you are condemning them and thus yourself to that separation. You are choosing to keep the Grand Canyon.
We must take the reality of the person who is in the most pain and address it directly as if it is real because it is real and therefore needs our care and attention and needs changes to be made. We need to decide on those changes and make them so there is resolution to that pain. If we are unwilling to do that, we are condemning them to their pain and to their pain alone. We are choosing to be in a relationship on different pages. We are choosing a physical relationship with no emotional relationship. You are choosing to exist in different parallel realities under the same roof. This is a relationship that is actually doomed to fail.
Doing this means you must be willing to face your own shame. Doing this means you must be willing to make changes. Doing this means you have to come out of denial. Doing this means you cannot live in your own comfortable bubble reality to the exclusion of everyone else.
Here is an adult example. A husband decides that he wants to start a business. He decides he is not happy being a support person for his wife, it makes him feel unfulfilled. He has to go out and create something. When he does this, when he puts his focus elsewhere, his wife feels abandoned. She feels like her husband is not available. She feels deeply hurt. She is forced to find her emotional support from one of her friends. He is convinced this is a perfect scenario. He gets his needs met and she gets her needs met this way. This is his positive reality. This is not her reality. Her reality is that her husband has vacated a spot and feels happy that someone else is meeting her needs instead of him. Her reality is that this marriage is painful. By seeing that he feels happy and seeing the reason why happiness is his reality, she is accommodating his reality. It doesn’t make her pain go away. But this means she is in the third reality, which accounts for both people’s realities without one person’s reality invalidating the other. He is not in this third reality. He has not accommodated her reality. He is alone in his reality and he has left her alone in her reality, but does not see it, so he does nothing about it. She sees his reality as real and he does not see hers as real. She cannot force him to see her reality as valid. And so she is stuck. If he does not see this reality of hers as real, which will require him facing the shame of seeing that he has created this scenario and it will require making some kind of change; if he doesn’t find some way to remedy these feelings with her, the relationship will eventually end.
We must be brave enough to attune to other people in our relationships. To learn about how to do this, watch my video titled: Attunement (The Key To A Good Relationship). And we must address a person’s feelings and perceptions as if they are real. Only then, can we actually make the necessary changes to create repair in our relationships. For this reason, I ask you to watch my video titled: The Emotional Wakeup Call.
We must be brave enough to see, feel, hear and understand someone to the degree that we can perceive their reality, no matter how painful it is. Closeness must be more important than maintaining our own personal comfort. If it isn’t, then we will be doomed to be comfortable up until the relationship inevitably ends. And then repeat that cycle over and over. We must be willing to see the Grand Canyons between us. We must be willing to see each other’s reality as real so we can address it in a way that resolves it. Otherwise, we are the left leg, telling the shattered right leg that it is just a drama queen or is just too sensitive or is actually fine and just doesn’t know it. Otherwise, we are condemned or we are condemning our partners to being in pain, alone in our relationships with them. We are condemning them to being unsafe with us because if we don’t see them and feel them and understand them and see their reality, we will consistently say and do things that cause them pain.
I started off this episode with an example of a little boy because we have gotten to this place in our adult relationships because this was the nature of our relationships growing up. It is the extreme rarity to have parents who could conceive of the idea that their child could be having a different experience of reality than they did. It is the extreme rarity to have parents who were even willing to see their child’s reality at all, much less to see their child’s reality as valid. Therefore we were in so many painful situations that we just had to live with. There was no way to resolve anything. We were forced to became accustomed to distance between us. We were forced to become accustomed to relationships that were not actually relationships at all. And this is the real reason that our relationships are the greatest source of pain in our human lives. This is the real reason that most relationships today don’t work.
In spirituality you hear constantly about a person being made up of body, mind and soul. This is not actually accurate. The soul, which is the non-physical stream of consciousness in fact splits itself into three when it projects forth into a physical incarnation… Body, mind and heart… Feelings, thoughts and matter. This is the real holy trinity.
The split between these three aspects when they are opposed is in fact the root of suffering for a physical human. It is the integration of them that creates true peace in oneself and consequently as a result, true peace on earth. We cannot achieve a state of peace or joy or achieve anything we truly want if we are in a state of fragmentation. And if at our core, there is a split between these fundamental aspects of ourselves, body, mind and heart, we will always suffer. But herein lies the problem within spirituality and within the world. Number one, people do not even see that these three aspects within themselves are split, divided and in an abusive relationship with one another. And number two; integration of these three aspects is not what people are teaching in the world or practicing. In fact, what is being taught and practiced is the exact opposite.
Depending on where you look in the world, people hold one of these aspects to be more important than the others or more powerful and supreme. This enhances fragmentation and therefore suffering. In the academic world, the mind is considered to be supreme. Logic must rule over emotions and the body is a side-note. In the sports world, the body is considered to be supreme. The emotions are of next to no importance and the mind is only as good as it serves the body. In the spiritual world, the heart is considered to be supreme. The mind is expected to be a servant to the heart and the body is often seen as a complete illusion.
Look at every spiritual quote you ever came across about the heart and mind or heart and body. Things like “problems are in your mind, solutions are in your heart” or “the heart must be the master and the mind the servant for the mind makes for a terrible master.” Or “The heart is the new mind” or “follow your heart, not your mind.” Or “Sometimes the heart needs more time to accept what the mind already knows”. Or “Remember that all is eternal, all pain is an illusion.” Or “The body is an illusion, this body may die, but my soul carries on”. Long story short, most of them fuel the imbalance of power between them. And most of us read those quotes and react positively instead of being horrified.
I want you to be horrified. I want you to do something and I mean now. Go look up quotes about the heart, mind and body on the internet. But I want you to replace one of the words in the quote, heart, mind or body, with your own name. For example, if a quote said, “follow our heart not your mind” it would change to either follow your heart, not Teal or Follow Teal, not your mind. You could also change all of the words, heart mind and body to your name so it would be “follow Teal, not Teal”. This exercise will show you the truth about what we are doing to ourselves. This is the relationship we are culturing inside of ourselves. All three parts are equal parts of ourselves. And we are creating separation and opposition and power imbalances between them. We are creating abuse between them. This is a split that all of us who are currently embodied possess today and must see inside ourselves.
The shape that defines their relationship is meant to be an equilateral triangle. The absolute and whole truth is the space or fusion between all three… A space of perfect connection between all three. No leader and no follower. The ultimate manifestation of the soul into the physical dimension where divinity can express itself in the physical fully is achieved by creating this perfect integration of body, mind and heart. Each part manifests the whole; it is the true holy trinity.
We need to regard each of these three aspects as an integral part of who we are. See each for its inherent limitation and inherent gifts. We must see each as equally important as the other two. There can be no leader among them. They must decide together upon a course of direction and action. There must be harmony and agreement between them. Each must take care of the other. They feed into one another and cannot be separated from one another. Each is critical to the health and wellbeing of the other two. It is a three-way marriage. All of them are real and valid. You are not here to transcend any one of them. They are the perfect manifestation of your soul. None of them can be your enemy. Each of them is your partner here in life. The harmony of the relationship between them is the core of our life experience here on earth. Today, I ask you to commit to that integration… To commit to that harmony.
When it comes to success and happiness, nothing is more important than being ‘in the flow’. We hear ‘being in the flow’ as a buzz word phrase around the world today and it sounds like it would be a good feeling thing, but most of us have no idea what the hell being in the flow actually means. I’m going to clear that up for you today so you know exactly what it means and how to do it.
To get your mind on board, I want you to imagine that your soul is like a current of energy water that is flowing from a higher dimension into this physical dimension. Just like the current of a river, it has momentum as it flows down here into the physical dimension. Your physical self that you call by your name was in essence a thought created by your soul. It is a second point of perspective and it has free will. Because of that free will, the you that you call by your name in this life can consciously (and more often than that, unconsciously) choose to think and say and do things that cause you to go with your souls’ current or to think and say and do things that cause you to go against that soul current. When we are going with that current, it can be said that we are in alignment and when we go against that current, it can be said that we are out of alignment.
When we are going with the current, we know it because of the way we feel. We feel relief. We feel the same sensation that we would if we were to just let go and let ourselves float in a river with a current that was headed towards everything that we want. This emotionally translates in our bodies as things like inspiration, excitement, joy, passion and appreciation. We can then say we are ‘in the flow’. When we are going against that current, we also know it because of the way we feel. We feel tension and resistance. This emotionally translates in our bodies as things like feeling stuck, frustrated, powerless, depressed, anxious and other painful emotional states. It can literally be compared to facing upstream against a very powerful river. If any of you have done that, you know that it ends up exhausting you, stressing you out and in some cases drowning you.
I’ll give you an example: Lets imagine that the intention that your soul created your physical embodiment in this world with was for it to be a teacher. But in your life experience, you adopted thought like ‘it’s critical to be respected and the only careers where you can get respect are those where you make a lot of money’ so you take the action to become a lawyer. You are thinking and doing things that are against the current of your own soul. You will know you are going against that current because you will feel resistance. You will feel unfulfilled. You will feel uninspired. Your actions will take effort. It will be so much harder for you to pass law school than it will for people for whom being a lawyer is actually in alignment with their soul current. You will not be ‘in the flow’.
Being in the flow also applies to things in the external world. These currents exist all over the place and being in the flow in the world is about aligning your own current to the external currents around you. For example, the weather may decide to create a hurricane. It’s not then possible for you to ‘be in the flow’ if you continue to push against that and demand for an outdoor wedding to take place despite that fact. You would then be fighting against the external current that exists. This always ends very badly. It requires a re-adjustment so that you can stay in alignment yourself according to what you desire, but without going upstream against that external current that is occurring in the world. Relationships are essentially all about this. Relationships are about two people staying in alignment with themselves, while staying in alignment with each other.
Being in the flow, which is also referred to as ‘the zone’ when it comes to activities, causes us to enter a psychological and physical state where when we are doing something, we are completely present with it instead of divided in any way. There are no contradictory energies interfering with the flow of our focus either internally or externally. Nothing is preventing us. We feel focused, completely energized, and in full enjoyment of the process of that activity. It takes almost no effort to do that thing and our productivity goes through the roof. The energy that extend towards something feels good and fulfilling instead of depleting. It is as if the doing in and of itself actually renews you. When we are in this state, it is almost like our soul is saying, “Yes, this is what I came here for”. The most successful people on the planet in every field have managed to think and say and do things that cause them to be ‘in the flow’ and as such, they have the current of the universe at large and their souls backing the actions they are taking in the physical dimension.
How To Get In The Flow:
The single most important piece of being in the flow is prioritizing how you feel over anything else in your life. Do not act from a place where you are out of alignment. Get to a place where you feel relief before you take any action whatsoever. Your emotions will tell you whether you are in the flow or out of it. They will indicate whether there is something in you that is working against the current or not. Any action taken from a place where you don’t feel good or are feeling prevented in some way is going to line you up with undesired results and even potentially no results at all. The most successful people in the world will make this piece more important than anything else. For example, one reason these videos are so successful is that I have decided I will never write one if I feel bad or like I am forcing anything to writing one. I will not sit down with my computer until I can feel that I am in the emotional space where I feel inspired to write one. The same goes for any of my events. Everyone on my team knows this. I will not move forward if there is resistance. I will stop and become aware of the resistance that exists and care take it so that all the momentum of every member of the team is going towards doing the event. As a result, there is no contradictory energy going into an event.
Get a handle on what you desire. Desire is what creates the momentum of the stream of energy we are speaking of when we talk about flow. What we have to accept is that the universe at large knows our desires intimately. It is always taking us in the direction of what we truly desire. The more conscious we are of what we desire, the less we interfere with that current. The more we trust the current. We begin to trust that if something changes, or falls through, it is actually in our best interests ultimately. So many of us are not living in the flow because we are too scared to truly prioritize the way we feel and follow our joy and desires. We may have wanted to be a musician, but we decide to take a job we hate. This is a very simple example of being out of the flow. We cannot think and say and do things that contradict our desires and be in the flow at the same time.
We need to become aware of and seek to integrate our own fragmentation. One of the reasons it is almost impossible for people to live in the flow is because their own consciousness has broken into many parts. When this is the case, the flow of our souls’ energy is going in one direction but then we have many parts of our physical embodiment that are going in different directions from not only that soul steam of energy, but also in different directions from each other. For example, one part of us wants to be on stage, another wants to hide. One part of us wants a relationship, the other hates people. Noticing contradictory energies whether they come from inside you or outside you is the best way to identify that you are not currently in the flow. This creates a state that is not conducive to achieving anything. It is like being in a boat on a stream where one person in the boat is paddling upstream and another is paddling downstream. We have to get these contradictory and polarized energies within us to a place where they can align and agree upon a singular direction. To understand this concept in depth, I want you to watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Be like a fish in ocean currents. In reality this entire universe is a single organism and everything is connected. Responsiveness to other things within this universe needs to be a normal part of daily life. Most people think they are above this need to be responsive. When conditions change, we don’t want to change with it. We want to be independent agents. We are like fish that encounter a shark and keep on swimming towards it because we’ve decided on that course of action before the shark was there.
The topic of commitment is a totally different thing. Being flaky is something else entirely. But our commitment needs to be to staying in alignment with ourselves and staying in alignment with the people we are in relationships with more so than to anything else. And this requires flexibility, like a fish in the ocean whose direction changes if the tides change. To be truly successful, you must be able to change plans at a moments notice so that you are always working WITH your own internal current, the currents of the universe at large and the currents of other people instead of against any one of these currents. To be in tune with ourselves and in tune with others and in tune with the universe at large, you have to be willing to stop dead in your tracks and re-evaluate and change course if it becomes obvious that something is out of alignment. This is exalted spontaneity. Some people who like control think that this is unsafe because it ads an element of unpredictability and uncertainty to life, but this actually is the safest state to commit to because it guarantees that you are not the fish that is swimming towards a shark for the sake of your own pre determined plans. You are connected to everything in the universe, everything is interdependent and so responding to the shifts in those currents is responding to your own current. There is not actually a contradiction between yourself and the universe at large. We are part of something bigger than ourselves.
Act fast on inspiration. One major mistake that people make is that when they feel inspiration (which is like a wave) they do not get up immediately and ride that wave to shore (the shore in this case is manifestation). When you get inspired, you have literally 5 seconds to take your first action, even if it is writing something down to carry out the action you feel inspired to take. To do this is to work with the currents and to ride them like a surfer and it will take so much less energy on your part to make thoughts become things and manifest what you want from this state. People who are successful don’t wait on inspiration ever. They capitalize on it immediately. They ride it like a wave all the way to the completion of an action.
Practice being completely present. We have to make a practice of focusing our consciousness and attention into our bodies and into whatever activity we are doing fully. This is best seen through the analogy of an athlete. Imagine an athlete whose focus and attention is completely on the game. He is allowing all of the energy of his own consciousness into this moment doing this sport that he loves in the physical dimension. Now imagine that same athlete worrying about whether or not he is going to win or lose. Or imagine that athlete stressing about whether his relationship will last or not. You can see that those thoughts rob energy and therefore presence from his game. They may cause him to take an action that sabotages his game. Because of the contradictory nature of the directions his energy is going, he cannot be fully in the flow. The same principal applies to relationships. If we are in the room with someone, we need to be fully there with them and immersed in them. If we cannot be, we need to address any resistance that is preventing us from doing so, so that we can be fully present. In this state, all doing naturally arises as a result of being and the doing is therefore much more powerful and effective.
Become familiar with the feeling of ‘rightness’. This is not a concept. We may think with our mind that something is right but when if we feel into it, it feels all wrong. You see this in the movies all the time when a person ends a relationship when you can tell that they know it feels all wrong and to the rest of us in the audience it feels totally wrong. The feeling of rightness is like an internal YES with no internal NO. It will feel expansive. It will feel like relief. It says says to us, I don’t necessarily know why this thing feels right, but it just does. Keep following that feeling of rightness. It is an indication you are in the flow.
The road marker or quern for flow is synchronicity. The more in flow we are, the more synchronicity occurs. These are meaningful coincidences that cannot be explained in the physical dimension by cause and effect. We cannot do anything to directly cause synchronicity to happen and yet it does and it does so to meet our needs. In these moments you can see the interconnectedness in the world. You can see that your own internal flow is part of a larger flow. These often show up as fortuitous events. For example, someone you love has cancer and you end up sitting on the airplane next to someone who is a cancer specialist with a radical new treatment. Notice and follow synchronicities. They mean you are in the flow. When you get adept at living in flow, your entire life will become a series of synchronicities. Flow allows you to be in the right place at the right time. You will feel good to act at exactly the right time to act in alignment with universal timing.
Meditate daily and/or do some kind of introspective activity daily with no distractions. When we are caught up in the routine of life and when we are identified with our thoughts and lost in the word of action, we tune out the ‘subtle’ internal currents that are occurring within us. We are completely out of alignment and unaware of ourselves and also others. You cannot live in alignment like this. You can’t be in the flow this way. Introspective awareness exercises are one of the best maintenance tools of flow in your arsenal. It is my promise that these internal currents will not feel subtle when you become adept at flow. Instead, they feel like internal tsunamis.
Accept that the flow is a moment to moment thing and will be for the rest of your life. Like a current, it is constantly in motion, constantly changing and mutating. It is not something that is static ever. Every moment of the day is an opportunity to be in the flow or out of the flow with yourself and with other things. The waves of life never stop coming. Desires never stop arising. Conditions never stop changing. Self-discovery and increasing awareness never ceases. So being ‘in the flow’ is not something that you do and then you can stop focusing on it because it is done. It is more like surfing. A surfer never stops becoming aware of the flow of the water and adjusting his or her thoughts and actions accordingly. The surfer simply gets better and better at it. There will never be a day where you will stop having to find alignment with yourself and with other people and the world around you. You will simply get better and better at it. It will become like second nature.
Follow your joy. How you feel matters more than anything else and more than that, thinking thoughts and speaking words and taking actions in the direction of your personal joy is the north star of achieving a state of living in the flow. Your purpose on this earth in this life cannot be separate from your joy. It is a vibrational impossibility because of the way this time space reality and life itself was designed. Therefore, the way to find your purpose and continue to stay in alignment with it is to follow your joy. It is worth every risk there is to take in this world.
I cannot tell you how successful in every sense of the word and how beautiful and full of meaning and feel good your life can become if you commit to being ‘in the flow’ in a state of alignment within yourself and with others and with the world. Every video I have ever created or will ever create is created to help you get closer to this state of being. You really can have the life of your dreams. In fact, you were meant to.
Even though people live with their thoughts every single day, they have no idea what thoughts actually are. This is the main reason why people can’t figure out what to do with them and either don’t value them or give them too much power. What people don’t realize is that thought is a sense. It is a sense just like the sense of smell, sight, hearing, touch and taste. One could in fact call thought the actual sixth sense and intuition simply the capacity of any of the senses to perceive stimulus that exists beyond the vibrational range of the physical dimension.
A sense is essentially a faculty by which a being perceives external stimulus. It is reactive in nature. What makes thought so confusing is that we don’t perceive ourselves to be ‘perceiving ‘thoughts. We perceive our thoughts to be solely our own creation. This would be similar to perceiving that we are always the creator of every sound that we hear in the world; or that we were the creator of the sensation of burning when we touch a hot stove. Thinking that every thought is our own is one reason that we believe every thought we have is true and become so attached to them and overpowered by them.
Something that we need to understand is that thought is an observational response to external stimulus. It is a response that we have, like every other sense. We can observe a thought in the same way that we can become conscious of a nearby smell. We can be conscious of ourselves only because we can sense ourselves. We know ourselves and are authentic only to the degree that we can sense ourselves, which is something that most people are not really trying to do.
Thoughts differentiate. They bring definition into the quantum field so to speak. The universe is energy and energy vibrating in different ways. The universe can be seen as a seamless sea of vibrations. And every stimulus that can possibly be sensed in the universe is a vibration, including and most especially a thought. Since the first thought, every successive thought has been in essence a reaction to those that came before it. This is why it is best to consider that thoughts simply arise. You do not even know where they arise from. It is possible for the energy of your consciousness to formulate thoughts in the same way that your body formulates the sensation of hot when we touch something hot. And we can formulate thoughts in response to other thoughts, not just things in the world. It is also possible for you to perceive formulated thoughts that were created by ‘someone else’. For example, when I drive across a really high bridge, I see people perceiving the millions of thoughts that people have had about driving off the bridge. They are perceiving those residual thoughts in the same way that a person would hear music.
This universe is governed by the Law of Attraction. Things of like frequency coalesce. Thoughts attract other thoughts, not just physical manifestations. When a thought is fueled with enough energy (which trust me is almost nothing) it attracts another thought of similar frequency and that thought attracts another and another. And this is the chain of thought we perceive ourselves to be thinking. Because this process or chain reaction is occurring within our mind, we perceive the thoughts to be created by ourselves internally instead of by external stimulus.
Most of our senses are tailored to the physical dimension so that we can navigate this learning hologram called life on earth. But it is possible to expand any of our senses to perceive beyond this physical dimension. As many will attest to, on the path of awakening, every sense begins to widen. Eventually, you can taste color and see sound and visually see things like auras that technically belong to other dimensions of this universe, which are overlaid with this one. Seers and fortunetellers perceive thoughts consciously that resonate at a frequency well beyond the physical dimension, where time does not exist. Mediums hear things well beyond the physical dimension, which is why they can talk to dead relatives. But even people who are not particularly open in terms of their perceptual capacities often perceive thoughts that are not theirs and are not a response to something tangibly physical. A good example is that when people sell houses after an unhappy marriage that ends in divorce, you can walk a perspective byer into that house and without telling them anything, they will begin to have thoughts about loneliness, feeling trapped, overall unhappiness and they will turn down the purchase even if it makes the most perfect rational sense for them to buy that house.
Because thoughts are a reaction, just like any other sense, you can see them as a kind of chain reaction. And feelings are most responsive to thought and thus your emotional faculty reacts immediately to the thought that it comes into contact with. To become conscious of this chain reaction, next time you catch yourself in a chain of thought, stop and backtrack and see if you can figure out what started the train of thoughts. What you will notice is that something you interacted with, whether it is the sight of something or something you hear or a thought you coalesce with, is a stimulus that causes a chain reaction of thoughts. Your attention follows each thought that arises until some other stimulus occurs and that either continues to add momentum to the chain of thoughts or causes an entirely different chain of thoughts in a totally different direction.
To complicate things, at the second to the highest dimensional level of this universe, all is one. This means that every thought that has ever been thought or will ever be thought is your thought. But here in the physical dimension, you perceive yourself to be separate from other things in the world. It is at this dimension that we can talk about the fact that you are perceiving thoughts that are not even your own. We can also go further. In this dimensional field, you are not your thoughts any more than you are your hearing or you are your sight. These are simply capacities that you have. The very fact that you can witness your thoughts means that you are not the same as your thoughts. They are other than you. You are the perceiver of them, the same that you are the perceiver of the music being played. But even if you are the creator of the music and perceiver of the music, you would not look at the music and confuse it AS yourself. If you are more than your thoughts, you have the capacity to use them and influence them.
You can use your free will to focus and thus have influence over what you are perceiving. That is to say, you can focus on something, which acts as a different stimulus, which will cause a chain reaction of different thoughts. You can chose to focus on certain thoughts that arise in the consciousness and thus fuel them with the energy of your own consciousness, or let them pass. You can choose which thoughts to directly interact with and which ones not to. And if you feel like your consciousness pulls you to interact with a certain thought, there is some form of awareness you have to gain through the interaction with that thought. It is time to realize that just like any other sense, the conscious witnessing of your thoughts can be used to awaken you to truth. We have an idea that thought is the enemy to awakening. This is not the case at all. Any sense can limit you and any sense can be what sets you free. For this reason, I highly encourage you to watch my video titled: Is Your Mind Your Friend or Foe?
It is important that along with using the awareness of this sense to gain awareness in general and awakening, that we focus energy towards bringing pleasure to this sense of ours in the same way that we do to our other senses. For example, we buy perfumes to please our sense of smell; we eat delicious foods to please our sense of taste. We decorate our homes to please our sense of sight. We need to deliberately focus on thoughts and things that cause a chain of thought to occur that feels pleasant to us. When we do this to nourish ourselves and maintain our wellbeing, as opposed to doing this to escape from thoughts that are unpleasant, it is perfectly in alignment. It is part of a healthy life. Most people never do this. Most people never consciously deliberately look for stimulus to please their sense of thought.
Using positive thinking to escape from negative thoughts and feelings is like sleeping on dog poop, but spraying the dog poop with perfume first and convincing yourself that you are sleeping somewhere sanitary. The negative smell of dog poop was an indication that you had to clean up. Avoidance of negative thought can really get you in trouble in life, especially when it comes to awakening.
Our senses tell us so much about ourselves and about the world around us. They provide so much value. It is possible to use thoughts to escape from awareness. It is also possible to use thought to enhance awareness. If we touch something hot, we know to take our hand off the stove. If we taste something bitter, we spit it out. If we think a thought that causes us to feel pain, we have the capacity to figure out what stimulated it and make changes either to our angle of perception or to the circumstance itself that is serving as the stimulus for those thoughts. This is what meditation does in fact. It purifies the sense called thought. It slows the momentum of chains of thought, it can introduce new stimulus to create a new chain of thought, it allows us to become aware of the origin of certain thought as well as what to do with the awareness we gain due to the thoughts we are perceiving. It allows us to discern thoughts that resonate at the frequency of truth and which resonate at the frequency of illusion.
Because thought is a sense, we need to treat our sense called thought with as much care and discernment as all of our other senses. Our senses can tell us great truth. Our senses can also be fooled. Our senses can be limited. Our senses can lead us to awakening. Given that thought is a sense, whole books can be written on the topic. The many implications of people having this realization are vast. But rather than explain every implication, I’ll leave you to discover it instead. I’ll leave you with the question, If I accepted that thought was a sense, just like any of my other five senses, what would be different for me; what would change about my life?
As people, we have the tendency of avoiding discomfort and structuring our lives in a where we can consistently avoid discomfort. But there are a great many things that cause discomfort that are actually good for us. Awareness is not comfortable, because it entails accepting things we would rather deny. But it is good for us to be aware. Exercise is uncomfortable, but it is good for us. Growth is uncomfortable, but it is good for us. And perhaps most of all, change is uncomfortable, but it is good for us.
In this effort to avoid discomfort, we tend to trap ourselves in situations that are comfortably unsatisfying. For example, we often get stuck in routines, we stay in unhealthy relationships, we stay in a job we hate, we use coping mechanisms that make us feel better in the short term but ruin our lives in the long run. We do not make changes that are necessary to make in order to really live the lives we dream of. The best analogy we can use is that in order to avoid the discomfort of really high heat that would cause us to make changes to get off of the flames, we build our lives on top of embers that burn us eventually, but slowly enough that we don’t realize it until we’re fully burnt.
There is a technique that we can use to turn up the heat in advance, so we can have the motivation and awareness necessary to choose the discomfort that is actually good for us instead of staying in the coals so to speak.
I want you to do an exercise. Set aside some time and go through the following process: Close your eyes. I want you to look at your life right now from where you are right now. Look at how life feels right now, what you’re thinking right now, look at what you do everyday. Look at the people that are in your life. Look at what causes you the most distress today and joy today. Imagine that nothing changes at all; you’re still doing the same things and are still in the exact same place in one month. What does your life look and feel like if you are in the exact same circumstances in one year. Has anything gotten worse? Now imagine that you are in the same place doing the same things in one year. Spend a few minutes experiencing this. And when you have done that, spend a few minutes imagining that you are in the same place doing the same things in 5 years. Then do the same thing for ten years. Then imagine 20 years. Then imagine 40 years. Them imagine you on your deathbed. Having played out your life, having made no changes to yourself and what you are choosing and doing every day, what did you realize? This is the fate you are headed towards if you make no changes and live your life accepting mild dissatisfaction to avoid discomfort.
The benefit of you doing this process is that I do not have to tell you anything else in this article. Having done this exercise, you already know what needs to change. Now, all that is left is to do is to ‘get out of the coals’.
You have heard me say over and over again that oneness is the ultimate truth of this universe. You will continue to hear me say this because it is the thing that people who are coming from a perspective of separation need to come to understand. But what if I told you now that oneness was really not the ultimate truth of his universe?
If you struggle with the content that is to follow in this video, I encourage you to watch my video titled: Why Are Spiritual Teachers So Contradictory? In that video, I explain that spiritual teachings are contradictory because spiritual teachings must take into account a multi dimensional universe. The rules change on each dimension. What is true for one dimension is not necessarily true for the next.
At a higher level than oneness in this universe, oneness is in fact the greatest illusion there is. The truth is that what we have been calling God or Source cannot actually be named. The minute that you name it, you make it and it. You give it definition and therefore suggest that there is something that isn’t it for it to be in relationship to. When most people awaken to the experience of oneness, they experience every separate thing, whether it is a person or a lamppost or a flower or a dog or a section of pavement as simply being them… only them expressing in a different form. Therefore all these different things in the world are actually just a part of ONE much larger thing. We call this larger thing Source or God or even The Universe. But that is the problem. What we are perceiving as the ultimate truth of God Or Source or The Universe, is actually simply the Ego or the “I” of “that which cannot be named”. Oneness is the ego, the one-self of that which cannot be named. There is no “one” self at the most objective level of this universe. And that which cannot be named created “I” being the oneness that all things that are a part of the perception of separateness are apart of so as to know that about itself. There is a truth beyond oneness because there is separation of the largest component inherent that concept. But it is corrupted by language and defining of any kind.
It is critical for people who perceive separateness to expand their perspective far enough to see that actually we are all one. All things in existence are one. And then, it is critical for people who perceive oneness to expand their perspective far enough to see that actually there is no “one”. Oneness is the illusion/perception of an identity belonging to that which is beyond oneness.
As a race, human beings are experiencing a huge transition right now in their consciousness. They are going through a ‘hundredth monkey’ experience. The hundredth monkey is essentially a condition where one monkey discovers something new (like a new tool to use) and that monkey teaches it to another and that one teaches it to another until by the hundredth monkey, there is a shift in the entire species and they all are using the new tool. The transition that is taking place within the human consciousness is in the sector of relationships.
Up until today, relationships have been dysfunctional. So many relationship experts talk about insecure human attachment styles and relationship dynamics like the classic codependent and narcissistic relationship. But they talk about these things as if they are the rarity. They aren’t the rarity. Insecure attachments and narcissistic, codependent dynamics are in fact the past and current human condition. They are the way we do relationships. And all of that is about to change.
This old way of having relationships (and consequently our subconscious definition of love) has been passed down for thousands of years. To understand it, we need to look at how we adopt this style of relationships and definition of love. Because our parents did not receive true love, long before we were born, they entered a kind of self-centered bubble where they had to fight for their needs in all kinds of covert and overt ways. As a result of this, most parents have children in the first place for these self-centered reasons. We are born with the thought and expectation that we will serve a need they have. They do not really take us as a part of themselves and they cannot really embrace us as our unique selves as opposed to what they want us to be. Most of the things they give us are transactional in nature. Because of this dynamic, it is not a true partnership that we have with our parents. They can treat us any way they like without really being attuned to the impact they are having on us. They can treat us in any way they like, whether it is incoming abuse (like shaming) or outgoing abuse (like emotional neglect) and still we are expected to be the one that maintain our connection to them, stays committed to them and puts their needs and desires first. If we do not, we are made out to be the problem child. We are made out to be the self centered one that hurts them. What we learn is that true love is staying committed and connected and putting the other person first no matter what they do or don’t do to us. This is mankind’s current definition of love. It is our definition of unconditional love, so it is the love we are all looking for. Sit with this definition for a minute and see just how erroneous and dangerous this definition is. See just how wide it opens the door for abuse. See how it leads to the emotional experience that love is abuse.
This definition sets up a dynamic whereby we chase unavailable people and abusive people and if they commit to loving us and being connected to us, in order to feel loved, we have to turn the tables. We have to start abusing them and neglecting them and even abandoning them to see if they are going to stay with us and love us and put us first still. If they do, we know that we are loved. There is no safety in our relationships as a result. We are caught in an endless pattern of erratically hurting each other, withdrawing from each other, pushing each other away and desperately clinging to each other.
This definition of love is wrong. To love something is to take it as part of yourself. Love is inclusive. It is the energetic movement towards oneness. When you love something, you energetically pull it towards you and include it as you. If you have grown up with a self centered parent (and I’ll warn you, the parents who say they are selfless and consistently remind you about everything they are doing for you are the most self centered), because they aren’t really concerned with your needs, you inevitably have to fight for your own self-hood as well. You cannot conceptualize of a way to merge; you can only conceptualize of being swallowed by something else. In love, you take the other person’s best interests as part of your best interests and they take your best interests as part of their best interests and closeness is the primary priority in both of your life. This creates the only true safety in relationship. You cannot hurt something that you take as part of yourself without hurting yourself. But not being able to conceptualize of this true form of love, we avoid merging. We build relationships around power struggle. We can only see the potential of us taking the other person’s best interests as our own and prioritizing their needs and desires and them being happy about it, while our needs and desires are unimportant to them. We can only see one-way relationship. We can only see one-way relationship because that is all there was between us and our parents. Because of this, we actually prevent love. We fight to keep ourselves separate but in relationship. We cannot risk the trust of giving ourselves to the other person and them giving themselves to us, so we can never experience the feeling of symbiotic love. We are trapped in Ego and society supports it. It is not love to stay committed to and connected to someone regardless of what they do or don’t do to you. It isn’t love to expect someone to stay connected to you regardless of what you do or don’t do to them.
The actual definition of love is to take something as part of yourself. To do this out of your own free will is not to lose yourself. To do this is to take their best interests as part of your own best interests. It is to commit to the other person. It is to end the war between selves. When we do this, we can see the third option in a needs conflict. We can see the exact decision we need to make for our mutual best interests. This gives rise to trust and security in the relationship. This brings an end to both loneliness and abuse. We are in the process of learning how to love. And the first step is to let go of our faulty definition of love.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that as far as human society is concerned, this is a man’s world. For thousands of years now so many men have exercised their dominion over human society in abusive ways. In some places around the world, this imbalance of power between men and women has started to shift. But it is embarrassing that even in America, it is only so far back as my own mother’s generation that women were struggling with the women’s rights movement. For thousands of years, women have been facing powerlessness. And so many women in the world still do face powerlessness every day. Powerlessness is the reason that women have become so manipulative. If you would like more information on this, watch my video titled: The #1 reason you can’t reach enlightenment for men and for women.
Women had control and power over almost nothing. Their roles were restricted to the home and specifically to raising children. It is with this in mind that in the interest of awakening, I’m going to expose one of the most dangerous shadow manifestations that has emerged (especially in the modern day) in women in society as a result of the tyranny of men and that is: The Castration Dynamic. So often, women exact their unhealthy power and manipulation in the area of the home with a special emphasis on the children and though there are many unhealthy ways that this manifests, one of them is affecting human society profoundly.
Feeling like they had no control over the men in their lives who were exercising their power in unhealthy ways (maybe it was their society at large, maybe it was their father growing up or their brothers or uncles or husbands) women became afraid of men and resentful of them. They could do very little about it. They could not be seen as equal. Many were deeply hurt by men. And so, having no control over the actual source of the problem, they turned their sights on their sons. The one thing they could control. They sought to eradicate the man in their sons. They made their sons totally dependent on them so they couldn’t grow up. They taught their sons to be afraid of their own manhood. They taught them that there was something shameful and harmful about being a man. They sought to raise them in a way that it would be impossible for their sons to grow up to dominate them or any other woman for that matter. They set up a dynamic where in order to get the love they wanted from their mother, boys had to disown their own masculinity and personal power. This is a form of castration. What this has done is that it has castrated men on an energetic level.
It was not conscious on women’s parts that they have done this. They did not intentionally decide that the way they would exact revenge upon the men that have tormented them is by castrating their sons. What they were after was safety. But that safety came at the expense of everyone involved. It has had devastating effects to our society at large, including to women.
Because of this castration dynamic, the divine masculine cannot shine through. Instead, the pendulum has swung within men from shadow tyranny to shadow passivity. You cannot make an enemy of manhood without causing a man to deny all the positive manifestations of masculine energy. Things like initiative, action, purpose, direction, movement, responsibility, strength, focus, fatherhood, generosity, encouragement, material abundance, transformation and growth. We have created men who are miserable because they have been turned against a huge part of themselves and as such, cannot fully embody their essence and therefore purpose. Many of them are developing emotional, mental and physical disorders that are a direct result of disowning their masculinity. We have created men that we, as women, are not attracted to; men whom leave us to play both the roles of the man and the roles of the woman. And then we hate them for that too. Many women are developing emotional, mental and physical illnesses as a consequence of this outcome as well.
For human society to be genuinely healthy, there must be a balance between masculine energy and feminine energy. This is not done by women gaining more control than men and it is not done by men losing some of the control they have. It is done by men embracing the full power of their own divine masculinity and women embracing the full power of their own divine femininity. When this occurs, a natural balance occurs. When this is done, we do not see the shadow expressions of either gender. For more about this, I encourage you to watch my video titled: The Divine Masculine, How To Awaken The Divine Masculine Within You. And Divine Feminine, How To Awaken The Divine Feminine Within You.
The time has come for women to see that this is what we may have done or may be doing currently or may do in the future to our sons if we are not awake enough to face our own pain relative to men instead of preventing our sons from becoming men. The time has come for men to see this dynamic clearly so they can break free of it and own their masculine energy for the first time.
It is right to feel angry and betrayed and used as an accessory and denied to become who you really are. This pain you are now feeling is the pain that women have in fact felt for thousands of years as a result of men. Women have felt betrayed, angry, used as an accessory and denied to become who they really are. It is human nature when we are not conscious of ourselves to set other people up to feel exactly how we feel. But if you have the power to own your masculinity, it will not only save much of your life, it will also mean you can be one of those rare men on the planet who can teach women that it is not being a man in and of itself that makes a man hurt a women or dominate the earth.
We must help our girls become women and we must help our boys become men. We must question our societal concepts about femininity and masculinity in order to do this well because so much of these concepts like men don’t show their feelings or women shouldn’t do sports etc. are total BS. But if we do any less than helping our children embody their essence, which more often than not includes the gender they came into this life with, we are failing to help our children unfold into their true potential. Failing to help our children become the embodied expression of their essence, which includes gender, is something that will drastically affect their adult lives.
Words are a beautiful thing. There is no denying that verbal language can be one of the best parts about having a relationship with someone and when verbal language is missing, it’s hard to have a relationship. Words can be a way to express who you really are, how you really feel, what you really think, want and need. But today we are going to talk about the dark side of words. Words can easily blind you. Words are one of the biggest barriers to authenticity. They can hide almost everything about you.
There are so many people on this earth who are not in a place of integrity. Their words and true thoughts, words and true intentions, words and emotions, words and personal energy, words and actions etc. are completely out of sync. If we make decisions in our relationship with them based off of what they say, we can get ourselves into a whole lot of trouble. Here are some examples: A man pursues a woman and tells her that he will do anything it takes to be with her and make her happy because he loves her so much. But he is consistently emotionally unavailable and focuses his energy on his work. A friend pledges her never-ending support, but deep down she is jealous and that emotional energy is just waiting for a time to take usurp you. A father promises to stop drinking and apologizes profusely and it hasn’t been the first time, but deep down he has no intention of doing that, he’s just telling you that so you’ll forgive him today. A mother says “I’ve always loved you and it’s so hard for me when you don’t see that”, when she spends her time scolding her child and shaming him and looking at her child like he is the reason for everything that went bad in her life. A person is critical of someone, but is constantly trying to find ways to help them and make the other person like them. A politician gives speech about his support of minorities but deep down, he hates minorities and is actively signing bills that take away their rights and targets them. You get the point.
I’m going to give you a little trick for figuring people out and really seeing them without the illusion of what they say like a veil between you and them. I want you to close your eyes and watch your memories of them. Go back and watch your interactions with them and their interactions with other people as if you were watching people in a movie from 3rd person perspective, like being a fly on the wall. Only this movie is silent. Even if you see them speaking in your memories, imagine them on mute so you have no idea what they are saying. Notice their body language. See if you can tell what their true feelings are. What actions are they actually taking? If you were watching them as if you had never met them before and you were just observing them, what is the truth about this person? A person is much more likely to feel and act in accordance with their actual truth. Do you see any discrepancies? Play this out for at least 10 minutes and see what you notice that you may not have seen or admitted to before.
Often, we want to believe something so badly about someone that we let ourselves be blinded and consistently blindsided and disappointed. We are not in a relationship with what is real; we are in a relationship with illusion. You can do this exercise with any person who ever was or currently is in your life. Try it out for yourself, you will be blown away at what it will reveal.
Commitment is a state of dedication. To commit to something is to give your energy to something. It is to put yourself into something. The more committed you are to something, the more of your energy and therefore yourself you put into that thing. Whether we know it or not, we are always committed to something. When it doesn’t seem like we are committed, it simply means we are committed to something else. For example, a person may not seem committed to working on something because they may actually be committed to relaxing or committed to escape. We are always committing to something, whether we are aware of what we are committed to or not is another thing.
People have several commitments in life, but all people have a core commitment in their life. This commitment is very much like a primary value and because it is their core and primary commitment, it is the one that will have priority over everything and anything else. Understanding this core commitment in ourselves and in others is critical.
Often our commitments (even our core commitment) are subconscious. This is a problem because we have not consciously looked at it to see whether we want to consciously commit to that thing or whether we don’t. Subconscious core commitments are to blame for so many problems in our life. For example, if we have a subconscious core commitment to freedom and we take a job that makes us feel like we aren’t free, we will start to clash with our boss, we will act passive aggressive and we will sabotage our job. If we became aware of that commitment we had and decided to consciously commit to it, we would make different choices in our life such as not taking a job that contains elements that would make us feel not free. When we are not aware of our core commitment, we are so often out of alignment with our own integrity. We say we are committed to something, but our actions do not reflect that and everyone suffers because of it, including us.
The biggest issues that I see relative to subconscious commitments however are in the sector of relationships. If someone does not have a core commitment that directly corresponds with commitment to the relationship and creating harmony with another person, relationships are almost impossible to maintain. For example, if one person’s commitment is to connection, relationship and creating harmony in that relationship is necessary and therefore, relationship will be the person’s top commitment. On the other hand, if someone’s core commitment is to personal happiness, the minute a relationship becomes uncomfortable (which it will because of what relationships essentially are and the purpose they serve) the commitment to the relationship is gone. So many people have core commitments that are a direct contradiction to harmony in a relationship. This is a disaster if the person without a core commitment that dovetails with togetherness in a relationship is in a relationship with someone whose core value does dovetail with togetherness in a relationship. They essentially put people in a zero sum game with them, which means I win, you lose. The person whose commitment is togetherness has to give in constantly and let the other one have their way in order to keep togetherness because that is not the commitment of their partner.
Knowing a person’s core commitment actually makes that person very predictable, which provides a kind of safety in a relationship. For example, if you knew that a person’s core commitment was to safety in a relationship, you would know that if they are ever cornered, they will chose whatever option feels the safest to them. If you understand this deep motivation in others, you know exactly what you need to provide in order to be in alignment with them and add to their happiness. You have much more awareness about what the potential danger is with someone and thus how to avoid it or if it is even impossible to avoid it. You know what the incompatibility actually is.
To discover your core commitment in life, you have two options. The first option is to totally let go of any idea about what you want it to be or think it may be. Go into this with a totally blank slate. Close your eyes and ask from your soul (like setting an intention to intuitively see something) to become your core commitment. Then surrender as if you were letting your identity be taken over completely by that commitment. What does it feel like in your body? What images do you see or words do you hear or feelings do you feel? See if you can you define what you are feeling.
The second option is that you can have someone else who is willing to totally let go of their idea about you accept to embody the energy of your core commitment as if they were being possessed by it and to tell you what images they see, what words they hear and what feelings they feel so they can tell you what your core commitment is.
Once you discover your core commitment, look at your life. See how so much of your life and your relationships make sense now. See if you can figure out why this commitment is so strong. The core commitments usually reflect something traumatic we have experienced. They are reflective of our deepest desires, which come from experiencing what is unwanted or from not having experienced something that we need and want.
From here, get rid of your ideas of right or wrong. It doesn’t do any good to not commit to something that you actually do want to commit to, just because you think it’s not ok to do so. It doesn’t do any good to commit to something just because you think it’s the right thing to do. Decide whether you want to commit to that subconscious commitment you discovered, but consciously this time and what choices you are going to make differently as a result. See the benefits and consequences of that commitment on each sector of your life. If you do not want to commit to that, become completely aware of why. What is your new commitment going to be? What changes are you going to make to your life in alignment with that new commitment?
The thing that manifests will be whatever has the most energy flowing towards it. Our core commitment simply has too much energy flowing into it to deny. Life is just too painful when we are consciously committed to one thing and subconsciously committed to another thing. By being aware of this commitment, we can get all of our energy going in the same direction and we cam make the right decisions according to that committment.
Intimacy is the primary ingredient of connection. Intimacy is about knowing yourself and being known by others for who you really are in all aspects of your life. It’s the bringing forth of the truth about who you are and being received while, at the same time, the other person brings forth the truth of who they are and is received for that. Intimacy is a meeting at the heart center, where empathy and understanding occur.
Intimacy can be broken down into the three-word phrase “into me see.” First and foremost intimacy is to see into one another so as to deeply connect. Intimacy goes beyond just seeing someone though. Intimacy is seeing into, feeling into, listening into, perceiving and understanding someone. To have genuine intimacy with someone, we have to be willing to commit to becoming an expert on them.
It is tempting to think that a person can do without intimacy. The truth is, they can’t. Without intimacy in childhood, we do not develop a sense of ourselves or a sense of our existence. We begin to feel as if we exist in a parallel reality. It is this parallel reality that is so deeply isolating and that causes us to feel like we are alone, no matter how many people might be around us.
Most people only really become conscious of the isolation of parallel perceptual realities when they go through something like the death of a loved one. In intense experiences of grief, your world stops. You are in a reality of pain and terror about what could happen in the future and time moves differently. Meanwhile, everyone else is going about their lives. They are smiling, laughing, talking about their jobs or vacations. They are telling us to come with them to cheer up at the bar. They are in a totally different reality, even though technically our bodies are in the same place. The worst part is, they don’t even notice. They will not notice what conflicts with their own realty.
I will never forget a time when I was at a public park. There was a girl on a park bench whose arms were bandaged from self-inflicted cuts. She was crying. People passed by her laughing and jogging and listening to their music in their headphones. Not one person noticed her or the state she was in. She might as well have been a ghost sitting on that bench. And all I could think to myself was, if these different realities can be upheld even if someone is cut up and crying, people who are less demonstrative have absolutely no hope.
There is no parallel reality that imprisons a person quite like the one that is set up by abuse. Something that all survivors of sexual abuse and incest can attest to is that what will happen is the abuser will rape you or say something super emotionally abusive and then an hour later, they will ask you whether you want mayonnaise on your sandwich. They will act like it never occurred. It creates a double life; a parallel reality. In one, reality is torture and pain and danger and dad is the enemy. In the other, it is mundane, you go to school and you have thanksgiving dinner and dad is dad. The mundane life starts to feel like a total lie. It feels fake. It feels like a cover for “reality”. When you are at school or at thanksgiving dinner, it feels like you are in the matrix. Other people don’t know about the other reality, the one where dad is the enemy and where everything is dangerous and painful. And because this is your “reality”, it absorbs you and you belong to it and so they can’t see you or feel you. It feels as if people talk at you. It feels like you are just a ‘thing’ in their world and it feels like your inner world is trapped behind a one way mirror inside yourself. All they can perceive is your body. This is the real kind of parallel reality that we need to be concerned with in our lives here on earth. It is this kind of parallel reality that makes it so that people perceive themselves to be so alone with no hope of that changing that they commit suicide.
The foundation of parallel realities between people is emotional invalidation. I highly suggest watching my video titled: The Emotional Wakeup Call if you haven’t seen it already to understand the role of emotions and relationships. This can happen in a home that is not considered abusive.
To understand how emotional invalidation creates parallel realities, we have to go back to the beginning. I want you to imagine a little girl who is unhappy. She is in pain because her family had to move to a different town. She has no friends here. She is lonely. She is afraid of the harshness of this new place. She misses so many things about the old place. If she looks unhappy or acts unhappy, if her parents can’t create intimacy, the will respond in one of two ways. They will disapprove of her emotions, 2. They will dismiss or ignore her emotions
The parent who disapproves of their child’s emotions is critical of their children’s displays of negative emotion and reprimand or punish for emotional expression. The parent, who dismisses or ignores their child’s emotions, disregards them as important, ignores their child’s emotions or worse, trivializes their child’s emotions. They may even interact with the child as if she is fine.
This creates a parallel reality between the parents and the child. The child is now in a reality that hurts. In her reality, tragedy and loss has occurred. In her reality, her parents are not even there even if they are in the room physically. In the parent’s reality, they are meeting their child’s needs and everything is good. The move was a great one because it provided a new opportunity for better things. Because they can’t actually see her or feel her or understand her, they can’t actually make any changes that would improve the way she feels. This little girl is isolated completely in her own parallel reality and her parents don’t even notice. In a subconscious attempt to be seen, this girl may develop nosebleeds. The parents may then decide she is having nose bleeds is because the air is dry, having no clue that this is her being’s way of trying to have her reality of pain be seen. Later she may resort to cutting and/or accidents because that is the only time there is a cross over between their realities. There is a cross over because in those moments the parents will decide that her feelings of pain are valid and therefore exist.
As life goes on, society will begin to mirror this split reality. She will perceive herself to be in one parallel reality and everyone else is in another. The torture of not only being in pain, but being in pain alone and worse, watching people who are together and happy, is so painful that she will most likely develop addictions. She will do anything to escape that pain and to be honest, the pain of that condition is worse than any drug or addiction she could ever chose. Because she is unconscious that she is experiencing a different perceptual reality, she just feels torment that she has no clue how to resolve. She has no clue how to resolve it because resolving it would entail breaking down the separation between these parallel realities. She feels powerless to do that, because she was powerless to do that with her parents. In that powerlessness, her option is to either escape from the pain through an addiction or to commit suicide.
These parallel perceptual realities can be created through much less extreme situations than overt abuse. We are at risk of developing them any time we do not experience people seeing us or feeling us or hearing us. You can think of the extremeness of these parallel realities as existing on a kind of sliding scale. The more drastic the difference was between the realities that other people were perceiving as opposed to the one we were perceiving, the more severe the isolation and pain we experience in conjunction with having these differing realities. Some people only experience mild separation and only sometimes feel like they are in a separate reality. On the other end of the scale, some people feel so isolated by the intensity of their parallel perceptual reality that the reaction (or lack there of) that they get makes them doubt if they even exist and leads to so much pain that committing suicide is the only way out.
Most mental illness is actually caused by these parallel perceptual realities that we have not managed to integrate because the rest of us judge their reality as false and invalid. If we judge them this way, we can never join them wherever they are so as to make any improvement. We can never find a way to integrate their reality with our own. We are just doing the same thing that parents do when they ignore, dismiss or disapprove of their child’s emotions.
In the same way that doing that makes it impossible to actually work with the emotions so as to improve them, approaching the perceptual realities of people who we judge as “mentally ill” as if their realities are wrong, bad, or false makes it so we can never actually work with them. I’ll give you some examples of what I mean about mental illness really being about parallel perceptual realities. A paranoid schizophrenic lives in a different perceptual reality… A reality where people are after him or her. Someone suffering from PTSD is also living in a different perceptual reality, one of anger and trauma at every turn. Someone suffering from depression is in a perceptual reality of hopelessness where life is pointless. Someone who has panic attacks is in a different perceptual reality, one of immanent doom. They are looking out at everyone else who, in the moment they are having a panic attack, are in a reality where everything is normal and fine. This is the most gas-lighting experience on earth. To gaslight someone is to lead them to believe that their reality isn’t real. For example, what they see they didn’t see. What they feel, they shouldn’t feel or don’t feel. What they hear, they didn’t hear.
I cannot explain to you the despair and terror that being stuck in these parallel realities creates. They don’t just create torture for those who are stuck in parallel realities of pain. They eventually create torture for people who are not because the relationship between them deteriorates and they often lose the person they love because of it. The pain of different perceptual realities that involve one person suffering alone is in fact the worst form of suffering that a person can actually experience on earth. It is the real hell on earth. The degree of pain experienced by people who are in pain because of wars and natural disasters and famine does not compare to this pain for one primary reason, they are suffering together with people who are experiencing the same painful reality.
It is a tragedy when people say, “we never saw it coming” when someone commits suicide. When people say this, my internal response is always, “and that is why they did it right there.” We are not attuned to each other enough and we do not commit to developing intimacy or dealing with emotions like we should enough to guarantee that we are not living in parallel realities in the same physical world with one another.
It is ignorant and cruel when people say, “misery likes company” in a derogatory way. We need to cut this phrase out of our vocabulary completely. Misery likes company because misery needs company. Connection is what people need in order to feel good and to feel like their world is worth living in. The real hell on earth is not being in pain. The real hell on earth is being in pain alone. And this is the hell we commit one another to when we are unaware of the parallel realities that we are stuck in. When we are stuck in a parallel reality of pain, often the only time we actually have anyone in our reality at all is if they are in pain too. This is because all too often, people who are in pleasure, cannot accommodate the reality of someone else feeling pain.
It is in the developing of genuine connection that we can tear down the separation between these realities so that these realities can merge. One reality must begin to account for the other and vice versa. Denial is like a veil that serves as a divider between the two realities. It is within our capacity to accommodate polarities that our consciousness will find true progression. Pain must accommodate the reality of pleasure. Pleasure must accommodate the reality of pain. To understand this concept fully, I want you to watch my video titled: And Consciousness, The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way.
There is no possibility for two people to stay connected and close if they are in different parallel perceptual realities, no matter if their bodies are in the same place. And it is intimacy and attunement that will bridge the gap between these different parallel realities that make us so utterly alone.
To love is to take something as part of yourself. It is impossible for there not to be a state of connectedness when we do this with something. Love naturally inspires us to meet someone else’s needs because we feel that our need is to meet their needs. But for many of us, we ended up in households with people who did not experience genuine love, so they did not give us genuine love and as a result they could not remain connected with us through love. Instead, they had to forge connection with us in the same way that a spider forges its web to catch flies.
People who were not loved feel unlovable for who they are. They live in a permanent internal atmosphere of shame. As a result love, as a gift seems impossible. Someone simply wanting to be connected to us seems impossible. Instead, we have to get these things by giving something. The things we want from others must be entirely transactional. Love becomes transactional. Connection becomes transactional. The meeting of all our needs becomes transactional. However, because we have such poor self-esteem, we often don’t feel like we have something that is of value enough that if we offered it, someone would want to accept the transaction. When this is the case, we have to trap people into giving us the things they need. And our relationships are always painful and are always full of the feeling of betrayal and resentment as a result.
In many houses around the globe, children are not parented with love. Many cultures in fact simply do not parent with love. The Indian and Asian cultures are perhaps the most perfect example of this. So you can understand what I mean, I will use the example of these cultures. To generalize, in Indian and Asian culture, a person is not seen as a unique individual with free will and their own purpose who exists to be loved and enabled to follow their own path. A person is seen as a thing that belongs to their family and to society and that by virtue of being born in the first place, he or she is already in debt to family and society and will repay that debt through serving whatever role and identity that has been decided for them.
In these kinds of homes, a parent often believes they are sacrificing everything for their child when in fact they are not sacrificing anything. They are simply wearing the façade of sacrifice so they can trap their children with shame and guilt and the sense that they owe their parents in some way. The things these parents give always come with invisible strings attached. They are always giving in order to get back. They are engaging in a transaction that the child did not even agree to in the first place. They are simply putting the child in a state of debt to them. They are giving things to the child simply so they can get things back from the child. And any time the child does something that displeases them, the child’s debts (the things the parents have done for them) are hung over the child’s head so as to get the child to surrender their free will and conform again to what the parent wants. These parents give their time to a child and potentially even give up their own dreams to get the sensation of being good and righteous and receive gratitude and praise from others. In this way, they are martyrs. These parents put a roof over their children’s head to get loyalty and alliance. These parents feed their children to guarantee that they can be taken care of by the children when the children are grown. These parents give their children opportunities so that they can gain status. These parents say “I love you because look at everything I do for you”. But the reality is that it doesn’t feel like love, because it isn’t. It is a spider web that the children have been trapped in.
Each time the child accepts something that is given or allows one of their needs to be met by their parent (which they can’t not do, because their survival depends on their parent), an invisible string is attached to them and then another and then another. Until they are literally completely controlled by that parent and must simply let themselves be controlled or else there are serious consequences.
You don’t have to be born into the Indian or Asian cultures to be raised like this. Transactional love and the twisted web it weaves to trap people is a human epidemic. It is present in any dysfunctional codependent and narcissistic home for example. These types of relationships are based on manipulation. So much so that we could say that the plaque that should belong on the wall of the family home is not “there is great love in this house” it is “there is great manipulation in this house”. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: Meet Your Needs.
The problem with being raised in a transactional way is that you believe no other way to be in a relationship exists. You see everything subconsciously as if it is a business deal. All business deals have strings attached. The reason this isn’t a problem is because in business these strings are visible instead of invisible. If I do this, then they will do this. All of life is tit for tat. Expressions of love are synonymous with the pressure of owing someone. And you always have to stay the one who is owed and not the one in debt. After all, the one who is in debt is the one who is trapped in the spider’s web under the control of the spider. You will actually feel worse the more loving someone is towards you. Each thing they do for you, makes you feel more and more enmeshed (trapped in a spider’s web), less and less free, more and more in debt and eventually like you are going to have to give away your free will and your desires and your needs in order to repay that debt. This is when your enmeshment trauma kicks in and you have to withdraw to maintain your sense of free will and identity. At this point, you wither push the other person away or have to create a situation where the debt is paid off entirely and you can put them back in debt to you. You are doing this because what you learned in your childhood is that Love = Being Trapped.
Those of you who want to believe that the spider’s web analogy is extreme, think again. On an energetic level this is the actual relationship that is occurring. The spider either simply catches the fly because it flew into the web (the same as a child just being innocently born into the family) or because it finds a way to lure the fly in (the same way that a person offers something to someone else). But in either scenario, there are strings attached. Either way, the fly gets stuck by the webbing. The person is trapped in the same way the fly is trapped. Then the spider feeds off of the fly. This is the phase where the person gets his or her needs met through the forced transaction. They are taking what they believe they deserve but that the person didn’t agree to giving as an exchange in the first place. For example, a mother has a child and decides that she needs that child to be a professional athlete so she can have status and significance through that child. The transaction is that she will give her hours to drive the child to classes and spend money so that the child can become that thing. The child never agreed to this transaction. But any time the child expresses his or her own free will, the mother will remind the child he or she is trapped in debt “I gave up all this money and time for you so you could be a professional athlete, you’re so selfish.” The guilt makes the child continue and become a professional athlete. The mother feeds on the status and significance through the child. She is literally eating her child that was trapped in her web by virtue of being born to her and having any needs at all.
Here is another example, if we are a rescuer, we have worked out that rescuing someone is a perfect way to put them in debt in a way that they are unable to leave and must repay the debt through commitment, positivity towards us, loyalty and the meeting of our needs. If we ever feel like the person we rescued has paid off their debt or is putting us in a position where we may be in debt to the things that they are giving to us, we must create a situation where they are crashed and in need of rescue again. Someone can’t show love to us without us feeling in debt and controlled. And so, we do something to cause them to collapse so we can come in as the rescuer again and often we chose mates who already have a dysfunction so we can play out this cycle. This is often why codependents choose alcoholics or people with mental illness or personality disorders. If a person tried to cause a collapse in someone who didn’t have a dysfunction already, it wouldn’t work. That person would immediately feel the pattern at play and would leave the relationship as a result. But the person with a dysfunction can’t because they have a very real and genuine problem and need. This kind of desperate dependency is the closest that a person raised in a transactional way can feel to the guarantee that they will never be abandoned. They believe that being left by a person without a dysfunction is inevitable because they don’t have enough to offer someone who does not desperately need them for the transaction of meeting their needs because they have already learned that they cannot be loved for who they are.
If this is the way that you were raised, the name of the game in your relationships is to do what your parent or parents did. Get other people in a position of being in debt to you. The problem is that you did not disclose any of these subconscious contracts that you had with them. These were agreements that were never agreed to by them. You didn’t express these contracts you forged outright any more than your parents expressed that by being born to them and by having them meet your needs, you were not expected to give up your personal identity, be loyal to them and owe them and take care of them for the rest of your life.
You did not express these contract because you are not consciously aware of the terms and you know somewhere deep inside you that they would never be agreed to. Here are some examples of the subconscious contracts you forge without other people knowing that they are agreeing to it: You figure out quickly how to meet their needs so that you can guarantee that you will bee indispensible to them (this is called hooking someone). You give up something in your life with the expectation that they give up the same thing for you. You show them physical affection with the expectation that they are going to give it back to you. You give them freedom and space so you can get that from them. You pay for dinner so that you can avoid being in debt to them and instead you can put them in the position to owe you. You help them out in a time of need by doing something for them so that you can guarantee their alliance and loyalty. You do things for them so you can get appreciation. You give them a gift with the expectation that they will never say something bad about you. And you are always counting score.
Using the previous scenario, they did not know that by accepting your gift, they could never say anything negative about you. So when they do that and you remind them that it isn’t fair for them to do that because of the gift you gave them, you feel betrayed and they are frozen under the weight of realizing that you didn’t actually give them a gift out of love, you gave it to them to use against them later as leverage. It is a repeat of what was done to you as a child. Only this time, you’re playing the role of your parent and they are playing the role that you used to play.
The worst part of all is that because of the shame underlying personal unconscious transactional relationships, you can only stay feeling like you are a good person who does the right thing and stay on top of the debt game by staying in a place where what the other person did is unfair. You are dependent on a state of resentment (being unfairly wronged) to escape your deep-seated core of shame. And you are full of anger that you most likely cannot express because of this dynamic.
I want you to see what parenting is supposed to look like. Parenting with love. In this kind of a scenario, the parent sees that the child did not ask to be born. They are not doing the child a favor by having them and so the child does not owe them anything. This child is the gift that has been given to them. This child is a unique expression of source consciousness. This child has been encoded with his or her own desires, needs, essence and purpose. The universe has trusted the parent with this incredible gift knowing that the partnership between them will lead to the expansion and spiritual progression of both parent and child. This child is meant to be seen by the parent as part of him or her. This love will naturally inspire the parent to demonstrate his or her love to the child through affection and gifts and quality time and acts of service and appreciation. When these demonstrations of love are done, they are not done to get anything back. They are done because it feels good to demonstrate love to something tat you love. You do not need incentive. Doing something lovely for them feels like doing something lovely for yourself when you have taken something as part of yourself. All beings, including children, naturally demonstrate love back when they feel reciprocal love, which a child always will. Both parent and child are free and so they are free to love each other and demonstrate that love to each other. The child didn’t have to do anything for the parent or be anything for the parent to feel this love and demonstrate it to them. This is the kind of love you wanted with your parent. This is the kind of loving relationship you still want. The kind with no invisible strings attached.
Having a relationship with no invisible strings attached begins with you. Start becoming aware of the hidden, subconscious expectations you hold. To learn more about this, watch my video titled: Priceless Love Advice, (Expectations and Assumptions).
Become aware of the contracts you are forging without even telling someone that they are signing it. When do you really want to be giving something with no idea of what you will get in return? Notice the betrayal and unfairness you feel in all of your relationships, especially when it arises. Betrayal is the breaking of a presumptive contract. The question is, which one? Transaction works in business because it is mutually expected and assumed. The transaction is disclosed and genuinely agreed to. The reason it takes so long to settle a business deal is because it takes a long time for both parties to agree to a fair transaction. A company that does not bother to be fair about their transactions ends up getting sued. A transaction is ok, provided that it is agreed to. But the rules that apply to business are not the same that apply to personal relationships. In personal relationships that are based off of genuine connection, what people really want is giving and receiving inspired by taking someone as part of you, not a transaction.
Become aware of the discomfort of feeling subservient and in debt when someone does something nice for you. Feel the pressure of having to even the score to feel free. Make a vow to not do something for someone unless you genuinely want to without expecting anything back, even appreciation. Find that place in you that loves something to the degree that doing something nice for it feels like it is the same as doing something nice for yourself. Keeping in mind that at first, this may be an animal or a plant and not a person.
Develop Healthy Boundaries. Give in alignment with these boundaries. Non transactional (unconditional) love always makes space for you to be in alignment with yourself first and foremost. Most people have no idea what boundaries are or how to develop them. For this reason, I ask you to watch my video titled: Personal Boundaries vs. Oneness (How To Develop Healthy Boundaries).
Give other people what you always wanted from your parents. Do not make your demonstrations of love conditional upon anything. It is better to simply acknowledge, “I don’t want to give anything to them at all” and to not give someone anything than it is to give someone something with an invisible string attached. It is better to accept that you do not want to give anything than it is to tell yourself that you have to give without expectations even when you don’t want to, otherwise you are being transactional about it.
There is a big difference between getting something that someone gives us because they love to see us happy and paying for something we want to get from someone. The sad thing about this transactional way of being about love is that if we have to pay for everything we get, if we have to give to get anything, we can’t stop from seeing ourselves as not good enough for someone to love enough that they can simply want us or care about us enough to want to meet our needs and see us happy.
Notice the ways you are conditionally giving with yourself. Do you only give yourself a day of rest so you can be get more productivity or performance out of yourself tomorrow? Do you nurture your body or give it what it needs with the expectation for it will never get sick or break down? Do you let yourself have fun with the expectation that you will work to deserve it? Do you only feel appreciation for yourself when you give yourself an achievement? Begin to notice these subconscious contracts you have with yourself. Notice how they mirror the transactions you had with your parents growing up. Practice demonstrations of love towards yourself without any expectation of a return from yourself.
Unconditional demonstration of love is caring for the happiness of another person without any thought for what we might get for ourselves. Loving in this way is the act of extending yourself, vulnerabilities included, into uncharted emotional territory with the intent that regardless of the outcome, we want to benefit another person. When someone else’s happiness is experienced as your happiness, you know you have found unconditional love.
It is one of the most expansive feelings on the planet. It is pure ecstasy. And all beings on the earth deserve to be on both sides of that ecstasy.
There are many ways that spirituality can turn abusive. Spiritual beliefs can be used to justify abuse, cover up abuse and be abusive in nature in and of themselves. I am going to be talking about these abusive friendly aspects of spirituality in depth over the course of my career. But today, I’m going to start with the abuse surrounding standard beliefs about reactivity.
The first thing to understand is that most people in the world today don’t differentiate between a reaction and the actions inspired by a reaction. It is all lumped into the same category. For example, if you see a nasty comment from someone posted on your social media post, you may immediately react with feelings of being hurt, feeling shame, flushing red, feeling anger, the impulse to fight back. This is a reaction. If you act on that impulse by posting a mean comment back, that is an action that was inspired by the reaction. We need to make the distinction between reactions and actions inspired by reactions.
It doesn’t take a genius to see that unconscious reactivity causes a lot of problems in the world. For example, if a woman cheats and her husband becomes jealous and is unconscious of his powerlessness and rage to the degree that his reaction escalates into the action of the murder of his wife, it is easy to see that reactivity can lead to dangerous things. If we have been hurt by someone’s reactivity inspired actions in the past, we are likely to make an enemy of reactivity entirely. We see reactivity as the bad guy.
Traditional spiritual gurus have projected a persona into the world of being individuals who either have no reactivity or who have entirely mastered their reactivity. They set the standard of not only what is expected of any master or teacher, but also the standard for what being a perfect human is. Therefore, our idea of what we all are striving to be and must be in order to be perfectly loved is non reactive. We imagine that in a state of non-reactivity, we are constantly open, unconditionally loving and perfectly in control of ourselves. The bottom line is, if we subscribe to these ideas and faiths, non-reactivity is what we expect from ourselves as well as each other.
So, what if I told you that you cannot control your primary internal reactions to something? Feelings do not exist in a vacuum. They always arise as a result of something else. They are always about something or towards something. When you came into this life, you were essentially operating through felt perception. You come to this world already encoded with reflexes, which are reactions. An example of one such reflex is that if you hold an infant on its back with its arms loose; it will react as if it is bracing a fall. This is called the moro reflex. The child doesn’t have to be thinking about being abandoned in a cognitive way to feel the terror in their body of being separated from their mother and to cry and reach out for her in response to that separation. What we are dealing with here is cause and effect. Can you imagine expecting a dog to not react to being kicked? Can you imagine poking a sea anemone with a stick and expecting it not to close up? Can you imagine expecting a baby calf not to cry out when it looses its mother in a field? Unless you are dissociated or disconnected, you will have a reaction to things in the world. It is called being alive.
Our reactions to things also happen in proportion to our previous life experience. It is really tempting for us to say that someone overreacted to something because they didn’t react like we would have reacted. But even then, someone who was at war with explosions going off around them is going to react differently to fireworks than someone who has been safe all their life and has no association with explosions and death imbedded in their nervous system. There is no such thing as an overreaction. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: Drama (How to Avoid Drama and Drama Queens).
The most abusive hallmark of an abusive home environment is when one of the parents (classically we call this the narcissist) hurts someone in the home but when the person has a reaction to that injury, the reaction is instantly made the problem and not what was done to cause it. So you can understand this, I will tell you a part of my past. When I was younger, the man who abused me for years had tied me to a hitching post to rape me. The force of the rape caused me to have a bloody nose. When he finished and saw me both crying and also bleeding, he shamed me for both crying and bleeding. Just so you can get how twisted this was, in his mind, the problem wasn’t the rape that caused the bloody nose and the crying… the problem was that I had those reactions.
The reality is that in our universe, there is cause and effect. It is inevitable that if someone punches you in the nose hard enough that your nose will start bleeding. It is inevitable that when someone sets up to punch you, you will flinch and feel your body release adrenaline. I want you to imagine for a moment someone punching you in the nose and then, when it starts to bleed, acting like something is seriously wrong with you because your nose started bleeding. Perhaps they tell you, “you have such weak capillaries in your nose, we really need to take you to get you checked out”. This may seem like an extreme example, but it isn’t. In spiritual communities, we are doing this to ourselves all the time and we are doing it to each other all the time.
We can’t own the shame of having done something that caused a negative reaction and so we immediately make the person wrong for having a negative reaction and even more wrong for any action inspired from that negative reaction. This is called shame deflection. To learn more about this dynamic of shame deflection, I ask you to watch my videos titled: Deflection, The Coping Mechanism From Hell and The Number One Relationship Obstacle And How To Dissolve It. If people refuse to feel or own their shame, they can’t take any responsibility. This is true if someone is perpetually in the victim role to escape responsibility or if someone is doing something to hurt others and will not accept that fact and thus makes the victim the one to blame for his or her reactions.
We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when someone betrays us (it’s just a part of us betraying us and so, if we focus on that, we wont get mad back). We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when horrible memories are triggered (it’s the past it’s not now, if we can just be in the now, we wont feel those feelings). We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when someone says something painful to us (try to see them with compassion instead, they wouldn’t be doing it if they weren’t in even worse pain). We expect ourselves and each other to have no reaction when we lose our loved ones (there’s no death and if you feel loss, you’re stuck in illusion). Do you see how this goes yet? I could make a list 5,000 miles long about how spiritual beliefs are used to suppress reaction and to make reaction wrong. They are used to shame you if you have a reaction. In other words, if you have a reaction, you are falling short of the standard of human perfection and something is wrong with you.
How many times in social circles have you heard this “How people treat you is their karma and how you react is your karma?” Or “It’s not what happens, it’s how you respond to it” or “How you react emotionally is your responsibility?” Like I said, it takes an idiot not to see that if we simply react unconsciously and as a result take actions inspired by those reactions, it’s going to cause a lot of problems for us and other people. But for the sake of awareness, look at the potential danger in these teachings. We can use these teachings to avoid looking at and owning the impact we have on others completely. That can lead to a wickedly painful world… One where as if it isn’t bad enough that we did something that had negative impact on someone that hurt them, we also made them feel like something is wrong with them for feeling bad or getting hurt or having a negative reaction when we did that thing. We can use these beliefs to completely avoid seriously looking at what we are doing to other people and what we need to do differently. And we can use these beliefs to shame ourselves on top of our pain, which creates even more reactivity.
Aside from the obvious external cruelty that this belief and expectation can open the door for, it can lead to self-abusive shame. If we operate in the world with the belief that we should not have a negative emotional reaction to anything or that, any time we have a negative reaction to something, we will believe that we are bad and wrong for having it. Or that something needs to be fixed in us if we had that reaction. Therefore, instead of being able to address the very valid reaction that we had, we will immediately unconsciously invalidate it. That belief that something is wrong with us that needs to be fixed or bad about us will slide over the top of the initial reaction like a thousand pounds of more pain. The shame will in essence suppress our reaction, but the pressure of it will cause so much pain that we will either explode or collapse. And so often when we overreact with an emotional crisis or have an emotional breakdown, this is the tormenting process that is occurring within us. These beliefs can lead to bigger reactions, instead of smaller reactions.
I must mention at this point that if this is a chronic pattern in your life, it is a guarantee that in your childhood, the adults in your life could not own that they caused any negative reaction in you and so, if you ever had a negative reaction to anything, they took no responsibility for causing it and instead decided that you were the one with a problem for having a negative reaction where a negative reaction was not warranted. And if any of you are bulimic or are cutters or have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, you can thank this pattern for it.
I know that many of you who are watching this are going to feel like if we make reaction ok or normal, then it is the same thing as condoning reactive abuse. If we make reactions ok, then revenge is ok and things like screaming and violence and murder ok and so it will happen more. What I will say to that is that we have to separate out the concept of reaction from the action the reaction inspires and stop judging reaction as not ok. Instead we have to accept that we are always going to have an initial reaction and that the initial reaction is often going to happen at a level far more primitive/instinctual than our cognitive processing level. And that there is no such thing as overreacting at that level. And so, we have to begin to care-take our reactions as if there is a real reason for the reaction… A real reaction that was either caused or triggered by someone else. This is the real responsibility we have. Face it as if it is valid because it is. If we sink into victimhood, we avoid taking responsibility for caretaking our pain, which might not only involve finding ways to heal and feel better, but also asking a person to change a behavior toward us. If we sink into the opposite, which is shame for having a reaction to being hurt, we also take no responsibility for caretaking our very real reaction.
We need to adopt the mentality that any reaction we have is warranted because it is always coming from a real place. We just have to figure out where that real place is. You are going to have to accept that as long as you are alive, you are going to have reactions. So is everyone else. If we can see those initial reactions as valid and real, so as to not add shame on top of them, we can figure out what that reaction is telling us about our truth in the moment and our past unresolved pain and about that we need in the moment. We can use them to become more aware. We can address them like we would address real wounds. And by doing that, the actions we take towards others as a result of our reactions will change.
If a trigger is to blame in a situation where you are having a reaction, it is probably not the other person’s fault that you have sensitivity in that area. But that trigger still exists for a very valid reason. Blaming them for the trigger isn’t fair. But neither is expecting yourself not to have it or telling yourself that something is sick or wrong with you because you have it or telling yourself that because this is a trigger, you shouldn’t have the reaction towards this new situation. If a dog who had been battered, hid in its cage despite being placed in a loving home, we wouldn’t get upset at the dog as if it has no good reason to be doing that. So why do we do that to ourselves and each other?
We have the tendency of believing that if we just changed our perspective or the way we were thinking or the way we interpret the things that happen or were enlightened enough, we wouldn’t have the reactions we have in the first place. Can you see that this puts us at war with reactions in the first place? We can’t take care of something we don’t think should be there in the first place. We’re already pushing it away, so how can we pull it close enough to explore it, examine it and care-take it?
When we have a reaction, we need to treat the reaction as if it is a thing to be deeply understood because it is valid. It exists for real reasons. If your leg was hit by a lead pipe, it would break and the pain you would feel would exist for a very real reason. It works the same way with emotions. We have to look at the cause. We have to look at what it caused us to feel in our bodies and feel emotionally and what it caused us to think. We have to ask what it is letting us know about what we need. We need to meet those needs and this includes communicating needs that we have to the people around us. Action actually comes after reaction. We have made an enemy or reactions because we confuse actions that are taken as a result of a reaction AS a reaction. We can intercept this chain from reaction to action. But we need to stop expecting ourselves to intercept this chain from external event to reaction. It is futile. Let things like altering your perspective and attitude and interpretation be part of the caretaking process of your reaction. Not a way to try to convince yourself you shouldn’t have had the reaction in the first place. Your reaction is always legitimate.
If we want to learn to intercept the chain between reaction and the action it inspires, the game we have to stop playing with other people is the game of treating them as if their reaction is not legitimate. And even if we don’t use words to convey this, if we are thinking it, they will feel it. They will be 1,000 times more likely to carry out an action in response to their reaction that will be escalated because we have given them no opportunity to address the reaction they are having if we judge it as something that shouldn’t be happening in the first place.
We should be using any reaction we have in order to become aware. But be aware the risk of believing it is possible not to have a reaction. Beware of the risk of feeling shame or being shamed for having a reaction.
Intimacy is the most important part of any good feeling relationship. When most people hear the word intimacy, they immediately think of sexual interaction. Sex may be a byproduct of intimacy in some cases. But this is not what intimacy is.
Intimacy can be broken down into the three-word phrase “into me see.” First and foremost intimacy is to see into one another so as to deeply connect. Intimacy goes beyond just seeing someone though. Intimacy is seeing into, feeling into, listening into, perceiving and understanding someone. To have genuine intimacy with someone, we have to be willing to commit to becoming an expert on them.
Some people are absolutely terrified of intimacy. They are terrified that intimacy is not going to lead to something that feels good. It is going to lead to something that feels bad. For example, we might be terrified that if we let someone really see the truth of us, they will not tolerate it or accept it. If they know the truth of us, they may use it against us later. If they know our weaknesses or vulnerabilities, they can capitalize on them to our detriment and conversely for their own best interest. If they know what we really want, they can use that as leverage to control us. If they give us closeness, we may feel like we are obligated to make them happy in return, which is a kind of indebtedness and have lost our freedom as a result. If they find out things about us that they might judge as bad or wrong, they might increase our shame, abandon or reject us. If we let them in, they might find a way to engulf us completely so that we do not even have ourselves at all. We need to spend some time imagining being completely close to someone and having no distance between ourselves and another person so that they can see, feel, hear, understand us and be permanently linked to us and see what deep imprint of fear arises in us as a result.
When a child is born, it is born with a natural compulsion and instinct to be close to its parents. Intimacy comes naturally to us all. Being close to one’s parents is how one guarantees having one’s needs met and protection and comfort in times of distress. But how a parent responds to being wanted and needed by the child as well as how the parent uses this need for closeness for their own aims, dictates how safe closeness and intimacy is or isn’t. If we have a fear of intimacy, our parents either dismissed our neediness of them and shamed us for it and/or used our neediness against us.
In households like this, parents usually respond to feelings, thoughts or desires with intolerance and non acceptance as if the truth of how the child feels and how they think and what they want is a challenge to the parent. For example, if a mother is going to take the child to school but the child expresses any anger or fear about having to go to school as well as the personal truth that they don’t want to, this parent will react harshly, scold the child for being disrespectful or ungrateful and minimize or invalidate their feelings. The message that the child gets is that the way he or she feels, thinks as well as what she or she wants or doesn’t want is invalid, shameful and is in direct conflict with the parent’s feelings, thoughts and desires. The message here is “you can’t have you and have me too, because our truths conflict and I’m the adult, so you are wrong and bad”. Instead of seeing how ridiculous this is, we decide that the parent must be right and for the sake of ending the terror we feel to be in conflict with the parent that we are dependent on (who is the god of our reality) we try to disown our feelings, thoughts and desires and idolize the parent because viewing them negatively, overwhelms us with anxiety. Our own personal truth is swallowed by them in the same way that a prey animal is swallowed by a predator. And we allow this to happen. It is a strategy to try to keep ourselves safe from conflict and to keep ourselves from being abandoned. But we feel swallowed. We feel engulfed. We lose ourselves.
Another form of intolerance for our personal truth happens when a child expressing his or her actual truth including feelings, thoughts or desires causes a parent to be so reactive that the child perceives their own truth to be the cause of the collapse of the wellbeing of the parent. In this scenario, the child learns to withhold themselves so as to preserve the wellbeing of the parent. This is common in situations where one parent is sick, dysfunctional or to distressed to parent. For example, if a parent is suicidal, a child learns to never share their negative feelings because if they do, it may push their parent over the edge and cause them to kill themselves.
What we have to understand is that if in our childhood, our need for our parents, as well as our personal truth (meaning feelings, thoughts and desires) was not tolerated by our parents, we learn to fear intimacy. We learn to avoid going to our parents and then to other people for what we need. We avoid showing ourselves to them. We close up and keep them our instead. And because we have learned that our parents and other people cannot accept our emotions, thoughts and desires and we cannot tolerate them in that situation, we learn to disconnect from our personal truth as well. This includes disconnecting from our feelings so we don’t feel them. This includes disconnecting from our thoughts so we aren’t thinking them. It means disconnecting from our bodies so we don’t feel our bodies and it involves disconnecting from our personal desires.
One thing we have to accept if we had this experience in childhood is that our heart is broken. It was broken long ago and it has never healed. It never healed because we never found a way to resolve that pain and have a different experience relative to being seen, felt, heard and understood so as to feel close to someone who can meet our needs in a consistently loving and warm way. Instead, we simply forged forward with a broken heart and as a result of not even knowing what we needed in order to mend that heart, simply entered into scenarios where we experienced more heartbreak.
Closeness inevitably involves feelings of vulnerability. Because the person who fears intimacy has learned to cope with their own feelings with avoidance, this naturally leads to suppressing needs, feelings, and desires as well as avoiding anything that would induce these feelings. Closeness is to be avoided at all costs, even though closeness is their most suppressed need. And they cannot dismiss their own needs, feelings and desires without doing the same to other people around them. They don’t want to see or feel or deeply understand someone because this brings up the deep feelings of unfairness that they must accept and tolerate and take care of who someone else is but they will not receive the same treatment in return… just like in childhood. For this reason, the people involved with those who fear intimacy feel as if they are not seen, not heard, not felt and not understood. They will feel like the person who fears intimacy doesn’t see the obvious ways that they hurt them or do anything to remedy the situation. The person who fears intimacy seems to be totally void of empathy because the truth is he or she is not connected to the other person enough to perceive their feelings or thoughts or needs or desires.
If you are struggling with the fear of intimacy, here is how to approach that fear:
Get in touch with your feelings. Your emotions are like a compass leading you constantly to see the truth of yourself in any given moment. In the same way that a compass tells you where you are located in space and what direction to go, your emotions tell you what vibration you are currently holding and what direction to go to improve that personal frequency so that the circumstances of your life are in alignment with your desires. Your emotions are also the doorway to discovering the subconscious limitations you have which are preventing your happiness in life. Not being in touch with your emotions in life is similar to being stranded in a foreign wilderness without a compass. For this reason, I want you to watch my video titled: How to Feel (Learn How To Start Feeling). Learning to feel after having deliberately cut yourself off from emotions begins with the conscious choice and decision that you want to feel. That is not a decision that you have made yet. Once you have done this, label how you feel and communicate how you feel to other people. Consider this a process of re-owning you personal truth.
Discover the part of you that does not want to be intimate with someone (the part of you that was wounded by your parents refusing to accept and tolerate your feelings, thoughts and desires as a child, as if it were a personal challenge to them as a person. Once you find this part, talk to it, understand it, feel it, see it and give it the intimacy that has never been given to you. From this space, that part of you will tell you what you need to do and what it needs other people to do in order for it to allow for intimacy in its life. To understand how to do this process, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Make a practice of noticing social cues. When you decided to shut people out because you decided that you could never be acknowledged by them or be supported by them, you tuned other people out. This means you either ignore or dismiss subtle (and not so subtle) cues from other people all the time. This is a vicious cycle because it makes the world and intimacy more dangerous. When you don’t pick up on social cues and adjust your behavior accordingly or dismiss them, other people feel like you do not have their best interests at heart. They perceive you to be heartless and cruel and to be someone who can’t be trusted. As a result, they decide to be in defense mode against you and not care about your best interest either. It becomes an antagonistic relationship and thus not safe to either party. This only reinforces your belief that other people cannot be trusted with your vulnerability and that you cannot be close to them. The more you notice social cues so as to respond to them in a way that makes people feel safe near you, the more they will want to care take your needs and personal truth and best interests. Throughout your day, in every social interaction, practice reading their emotions and checking in with them about whether what you are perceiving is accurate or not.
Notice your disconnection from other people when it occurs within you. Notice how it feels like your heart is gone and like you are only a brain. Notice that you don’t really feel what is happening in terms of emotional sensations in your body. Notice how other people are responding to you with anxiety and neediness and rage. Rage is a cover emotion for powerlessness. This is happening because you are disconnecting from your own feelings of anxiety, neediness and fear in this moment. You feel that by disconnecting from the other person who you perceive to be causing those feelings, you can escape from the feelings themselves. They then become the carrier of your suppressed and disowned emotions in that moment and will become even more anxious because you are making them responsible for both their own anxiety and yours. Try to choose to drop into and feel the feelings of anxiety, powerlessness and neediness that you are trying to avoid. You are terrified of strong negative emotions. Forcing yourself not to distract yourself or leave the physical vicinity of the other person and choosing to drop inside yourself to let yourself feel the real feelings underneath that disconnection is the only real way to not create a vicious spiral of lost connection with the person who you genuinely want to be connected with.
With a willing partner, who can understand the trauma you have experienced relative to showing yourself as a child, practice dropping into these emotions that you are terrified of and allow them to do what your parents did not do for you. Have a new experience of them acknowledging those feelings, tolerating them and supporting you through them.
Commit to authenticity. If you fear intimacy, you have not been living authentically. Trying to be authentic around your parents, which is an intimate thing because you are trusting someone with the truth of you, had consequences. But notice the pain involved in living an authentic life. Anais Nin once wrote that the day came that the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful that the risk it took to bloom. Have you reached that point yet? Has that day come? If so, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
Your fear of intimacy has made it so you subconsciously prioritize areas of your life where you don’t experience vulnerability and strong emotions or needs, things like work and hobbies. A life of achievement is useless if you have no one to share that life with. What you really want and need is connection, closeness and to be truly seen, felt, heard and understood by someone. To get this, you are going to have to prioritize your relationships instead. You need to see that you can be loved for who you are, not for what you can do or for what you achieve.
Notice that positive feelings trigger your fear of intimacy even more than negative ones. When you feel another person loving you and demonstrating love for you and wanting connection with you, it conflicts with what you think is possible and with your own view of yourself. As a result, you will feel suspicion and distrust for them and it will unwittingly trigger that deep-seated feeling that you developed in childhood that who you were was not to be tolerated. And as a result, it arouses all of that pain. To get away from the pain of that trigger, you will disconnect from those feelings and create problems or tension in the relationship or push the person who is loving you away.
Face your shame, own it and deal with it directly. Shame is a sense of oneself being bad or wrong, deficient or defective in some way. And what else are you to conclude about yourself if the truth of how you feel, think and what you desire is not tolerated by the people who are supposed to love you the most in your life – your parents. For this reason, I want you to watch my videos titled: How To Overcome Shame and The #1 Relationship Obstacle and How To Dissolve It.
Be aware of when you are pushing people away. Play a game with people in your life. Ask them to tell you when something you say or do feels like a push away to them. You need to see this reflection of yourself in order to become more self-aware. If you have cut yourself off from your feelings and thoughts and desires and body, you are not very self aware. And self awareness is the key to recognizing your behaviors before they are acted out and damage your relationships.
Commit to becoming an expert on the people in your life, especially your significant other. If the only person you practice closeness with is one person, that is good enough to start. To be close to someone and to develop intimacy with someone, you have to be willing to make a constant study of them so you can become a expert on them.
Practice the connection process. In this process, you will be journeying into someone’s internal world and you will be letting them journey into yours. To learn how to do this process, watch my video titled: How To Connect With Someone.
Discover your needs and even though it is scary, express them to other people and allow them to choose when and how to meet them. If you can’t express them directly, express them indirectly. Write the various needs you have on a piece of paper and put the paper somewhere in the house where they are easy to see. Instead of expecting them to meet those needs or manipulating them to meet those needs, surrender into the vulnerability of letting others meet those needs because they want to and because your happiness is their happiness. When you were young, your needs were not met with warmth and consistency. Your needs were either not met at all, or they were met with inconsistency, anger and resentment and often with strings attached. You learned not to depend on others to meet your needs, but to swing between manipulating them to meet your needs and meeting them all by yourself. You need to let yourself have the experience of having your needs met by others because it brings them pleasure to do so.
Accept that you will be learning how to be intimate and close and connected with someone for the first time from scratch. It is best to start with the idea that you have no idea how to have a good relationship and so you have to prioritize learning it now. You did not have role models for a good relationship and thinking that the poor example you had was how it ought to be, your past relationships have most likely not shown you how to have a feel good and close relationship wither. So how could you know how to do it? You don’t. Become ok with starting from scratch and throwing your old paradigms away. This is the moment that the scientist realizes his current theory is rubbish and so he has to crumple it up and throw it in the trashcan and be open to entirely new ways of having a relationship.
Become comfortable with vulnerability. The more tolerant of vulnerability and the discomfort it causes, the closer we will be able to be with people and the less we will push them away. Vulnerability is not weakness. Instead, it involves great courage to be willing to be vulnerable. If we can choose to acknowledge and share our vulnerability in a situation instead of cope by pushing people away, creating conflict or disconnecting, we can remain connected to the person we want to be connected with. We can bring resolve to what is real. We can meet the needs that are real. We can make the relationship feel good again.
Realize your tendency to repeat what was done to you as a child in your relationships. Recognize the way you meet other people’s wants, needs, feelings, thoughts and desires with intolerance. If you can remember how painful that was, you can recognize what you needed instead, and provide that experience to other people. Imagine that every time you are giving that to them, you are giving that to the child in you that had to suffer in that way and you are helping to create a world where that kind of pain no longer exists.
Intimacy is an act of courage. Courage cannot happen without fear. Courage implies fear. If we want connection and intimacy, we are going to have to step forward and commit to connection and intimacy with our fear, not in spite of it. We are going to have to bring the vulnerability of that fear with us into the relationship. The good news is that if we have found a partner who wants to be connected and intimate with us as well, by dong so we will have a different experience than we had in the first place in our life. We will experience someone who is able to not only accept but to love the truth of you and meet your needs because it brings them pleasure to do so.
You would have no idea of what you looked like physically without your bathroom mirror. The bottom line is, you come to know yourself through reflection. People in the external world are like a giant mirror. When someone says, “Why are you so angry all the time?” You come to consider yourself to be an angry person. If people look at you like something is wrong with you, you come to consider yourself as defective. If people tell you that you are beautiful, you come to see yourself as beautiful. We see the way people react to us as a reflection of who we really are and when we are children, we do not question the reflection we are being shown through other people at all. We do not question the accuracy of the mirror. Instead, we swallow the mirror. Our internal concept merely becomes the same as what is being reflected from the outside.
Let’s imagine that a child has a mother who actually does not want a child because she wants to live a life around what she wants to do and have no obligations. The mirror (which is the mother) will not be accurate. It will be tainted with “I don’t want you”. This mother will not be able to reflect to a child that he or she is important and valuable. The reflection the child will see in the mirror is that he or she is a burden and is not important and is an unwanted burden. Instead of questioning the mirror, he or she will swallow the mirror and will see himself or herself as someone who is a burden and unwanted and unimportant and not valuable. In order to ensure his or her survival, he or she will then adapt his or her behavior according to that self-image. For example, if he or she sees himself or herself as intrinsically worthless, he or she may decide they cannot get connection for being who they are because no one would inherently want them in that way given that they have no value. Therefore he or she might instead choose to get the connection they need from others through codependent strategies.
Because of our early childhood environments, many of us adopt a self-image of shame. We swallow the mirror, which is reflecting that we are bad, wrong, hold little or no value and are unwanted. We swallow the mirror that something is wrong with us. This usually happens the strongest if we grew up in households where our caregivers made us the problem. They deflected their own shame by blaming us for everything. The mirror we swallowed held the reflection that we carried all the responsibility for anything negative. As a result, we develop into adults who take everything personally. Meaning that any time someone reacts to us in a negative way or any time something negative happens, it was our personal fault. We are the ones who carry the responsibility for that fault or wrong. We do this because we have instinctively learned from our primary childhood relationships with people who refused to carry any responsibility for anything negative themselves, that it was personal.
We end up being people who take everything personally because we were raised by people who could not face and resolve their own shame, so they passed it on to us and that shame became our self-concept. For this reason, I need you to watch my videos titled: The #1 Relationship Obstacle (And How To Dissolve It), in which I explain the mechanics of shame deflection, as well as Projection (Understanding the Psychology of Projecting).
Responsibility is the opposite of the state of victimhood. In victimhood, one feels that they do not govern themselves or their own life. One feels no ability to choose and one has lost touch with their sense of free will. They are in a state of powerlessness relative to themselves and their life. Responsibility is when someone healthily claims their power over themselves and their own life. This causes them to feel a sense of their own free will and to consciously choose. If you have responsibility, you are leading your own life. But what about toxic responsibility? Responsibility is actually at the opposite end of the vibrational scale from self-blame, which is toxic responsibility. But it takes a high degree of emotional awareness to see responsibility and self-blame as opposing states because both states recognize the self in a position of causation. For this reason, self-blame can disguise itself as responsibility like a wolf wearing sheep’s clothing. But one is self-hating, the other self-loving. One condemns the self and the other saves the self. If you are taking responsibility, you are feeling empowered. If you are self blaming, you are feeling bad about yourself and disempowered. But self-blame is in fact how we escape a feeling of genuine powerlessness to someone else.
Sometimes, we are so powerless to something that taking blame for something is the only way we can avoid feeling powerless and victimized. For example, often children who are abused feel less powerless and terrified and victimized if they believe that they are somehow at fault for the abuse or did something to deserve it. When this is the case, we have a toxic attachment to responsibility. To be responsible so as to see and own your part in the causation of events in your life is a great thing. Up until the point where you are seeing and owning not just your part in the causation of events in your life but also everyone else’s part in it… Or potentially not seeing their part and what is theirs at all.
When we believe down deep that we are bad, we automatically assume that any negative thing that happens is because of us. We take any negative reaction that someone says personally and our deep, visceral sense of shame is instantly triggered. And many people take advantage of this by either allowing you or forcing you to own that blame, whether or not something is actually your responsibility. They get to avoid their own shame by doing this. But taking everything personally leads to a super painful life and it reinforces shame, which leads to things like broken relationships, addiction, and even suicide. So what should you do in order to not take things so personally?
Question The Mirror. If we are imprinted with a deep, visceral sense of shame, we swallow the mirror. We accept the reflection of ourselves that we are perceiving in other people’s reactions without any question. We need to learn to question the accuracy of the mirror itself and consider that there may be something distorting and warping the mirror itself, which might make the reflection different than the thing it is actually reflecting (you). Ask yourself in a situation where you are taking something personally, is there something in them that could be distorting the reflection? For example, if they are acting rude, could they be stressed with something else in their life, like a failed relationship? If they are furious at me, could I have triggered some unhealed wound from their past? If they are treating me like I’m a slut, could it be because they have disowned their sexuality? If they are treating me like I’m worthless cause I have no money, could it be because their father traumatized them into feel like they held no value unless they were financially successful?
If we struggle with shame, and as such seem to inherently take all the blame in any given situation regardless of whether we want to or not, we have an impossible time separating what we are responsible for from what other people are responsible for in any given scenario. For this reason, I want you to get in the habit of doing an exercise where you discern what’s theirs and what’s yours in any given conflict or negative situation. Alternatively, you could do what’s mine and what’s not mine, if your situation isn’t directly about an interpersonal conflict. To do this exercise, take a piece of paper and make two columns. Put ‘Mine” at the top of the first column and either “Theirs” or “Not Mine” at the top of the second. Now, close your eyes and witness the negative situation from third person perspective. Witness it as if you were a genuinely objective bystander who is able to see and know all. And pick apart the situation for what part of the situation belongs to either column. Here is an example that a client did relative to herself and her husband post divorce:
His His parents have a classic codependent and narcissistic relationship and have raised him to relate in that same style in relationships.
He was a child at the time and was not ready for marriage.
He doesn’t want to be there for a woman, he told me so himself.
He is un-attuned and has said he doesn’t care whether he hurts people emotionally. His ‘honesty’ is cruel.
He decided to marry me even when he knew I had clinical depression… Assuming he wouldn’t or shouldn’t have to deal with that in the marriage.
He “just gave up” with the pressure of taking care of me and didn’t even communicate about it or even put effort into getting us help with it.
He makes himself feel good by putting people down. LOVES shaming.
He didn’t try to remedy the marriage at all, no therapy or anything, just filed for divorce.
He made it about me being too hard to handle instead of admitting that he really doesn’t want a serious relationship, he wants a trophy wife.
He spins everything that he does to hurt relationships into good things… for example, “It’s good that I run in relationships, it’s them who need to be run from. He can’t and won’t see anything bad about himself.
He is not committed at all. The minute the going gets tough he gets going.
He can’t be in a relationship with someone who has needs and who needs anything from him. As he puts it “He will not sign on to be leaned on”. He wants an independent woman who does not depend on him at all. He sees dependence as ‘sickness’.
He was so self centered that when I was in Labor, he was focused on how much discomfort he was in because of feeling “sleep deprived” because I needed his support.
Mine I was so desperate for belonging that it didn’t matter what man I was with. Because of this, I have NO discernment with men. I get like a starving person willing to eat poisoned food. I wasn’t in love with him. I wanted to belong and I really wanted to belong with his family.
I struggle with clinical depression. This is too much for some men.
I married him one month after meeting him.
I was obsessed with pregnancy and whether I was pregnant or not and even lied to a few boyfriends that I was at that age because that = getting the belonging I was so desperate for to me. I wasn’t concerned with whether the man I was with wanted it.
I feel ashamed that I can’t cope like ‘normal people’.
I didn’t have the money for therapy at that time, so I didn’t go to therapy which put a lot of pressure on my partner.
I told him I could be a stay at home mom when I had no support system. This wasn’t true. I didn’t realize I couldn’t do that – I couldn’t see that as a limitation of mine.
Deep down if I’m honest, I do feel I need a man to take care of me.
Do a meditation where you give back what isn’t yours to hold and keep only what is yours to keep and be responsible for. You can either invent your own way of visualizing this or you can listen to the guided meditation that I have designed for doing this. You can do this only once to relieve yourself of burdens you’re carrying from situations that have happened in the past or situations that are currently happening. Alternatively, you can do this any time you are in a situation where you are feeling like you are to blame for everything. To access the guided meditation that I offer for this process, visit my website www.tealswan.com and click shop on the menu.
If you are taking everything personally, you are trusting other people (or their reactions to you) tell you everything about who you are, instead of relying on what you know to be true about yourself; what really defines you as a person without any outside influence. For this reason, commit to the practice of authenticity. To learn how to be authentic, watch my video quite literally titled: How To Be Authentic.
Put yourself in the other person’s perspective. Often, when we are limited to our own individual perspective, as well as the inherent shame we feel, we are blind to seeing the reality that the other person is observing so we can’t actually see what their reaction is actually about. Doing this exercise makes it much more clear and also helps us to discern what is ours and what isn’t ours. Pretend to be them but interacting with you. If you want an awesome technique for how to do this, watch my video titled: The Octopus Technique.
Face your own shame. You now know that the root of taking everything personally is shame. Therefore, make focusing on and resolving your shame, your top priority. To learn more about how to do this, watch my video titled: How to Overcome Shame. We all take things the most personally when people hit our sensitive spots. For example, if I feel confident that I’m doing something right, I won’t feel insecure or take it personally when someone says I’m doing it wrong. If I’m insecure that I’m overweight, I will take it personally if someone makes a joke about weight. Recognize that when we are taking things personally, often a deep wound (sore spot) that is unhealed is being triggered. To learn how to heal these old wounds, try out my process called The Completion Process, which is outlined in detail in my book titled “The Completion Process”.
Question the meaning that you are adding to the experience. We encounter various experiences in our day-to-day life. Some we could consider positive and some we could consider negative. But the quality of our experience relative to those experiences is flavored by one thing and that is the meaning that we assign to the experience. When we are taking things personally, it is an indication that we are adding painful meaning to an experience. We need to ask ourselves, what am I making this mean? And then question that meaning that we have assigned to the experience. For example, imagine that someone ignores you when you try to get their attention. You could make this mean that they are currently absorbed in their own thoughts or you could make it mean that you don’t matter to them. We need to make sure that the meaning we have assigned to an experience is actually the meaning of the experience. Allow people to clarify if you are confused about their actual meaning. To learn more about how this works, watch my video titled: Meaning, The Self Destruct Button.
Recognize the egocentric worldview. People in general are prone to seeing themselves as the epicenter of the world. Everyone sees the world this way because everyone is experiencing the world through his or her singular perspective. Therefore, if you walk into a room, chances are everyone is really thinking about themselves. We’re thinking about our own insecurities, flaws, weaknesses, feelings, thoughts, experiences and realities. We often think everyone is thinking about us or judging us (because we see ourselves as the center of the world) when in fact, often they are not because they see themselves as the center of the world as well and are concerned that everyone is thinking about and judging them.
A miniscule part of what people do and how they act towards you is personal. So throw up the mirror you swallowed long ago. Throw up the mirror whose reflection shows that you are to blame for and are thus responsible for everything negative. And as a result, you will see not only yourself, but also the world more clearly.