Unless you have been living under a rock, you have probably heard the term “cancel culture’ being mentioned a lot lately. But what does this really mean? The time has come to dive deep into the concept of cancel culture so as to completely understand it.
When something is canceled, it is ended, nullified and eradicated. You can think of it in terms of a tv show. When a TV show is no longer wanted by the public and has no more support, it is cancelled. To cancel a person, similar to a TV show, is to decide that they are not wanted and as a result, to withdraw support from them and turn against them so as to end, nullify or eradicate them in the public. In the era of social media, this often takes the form of publicly calling out whatever you disapprove of about them, boycotting their work, organizing group efforts to take away their power and remove their public platform. And this is usually done in a performative way so as to gain attention and significance by going against them.
I’m going to ask you a question: When someone says or does something that you don’t like, what do you do? Do you simply stop focusing on them and go focus on something else? Do you actively engage in a constructive debate about whatever it is that they said or did so as to try to find a meeting of minds? Do you turn against them as a person so as to try to get rid of them?
Cancel culture is a shared social attitude and custom of trying to get rid of the source of something you dislike (the person saying or doing something) rather than trying to resolve or enter into conflict with the words or actions themselves. A good example of this is: Let’s imagine that a famous actress said she does not believe in vaccines. Instead of entering into a constructive debate about vaccines, people simply decide because of her opinion that they dislike, to organize to make it so that she, herself is eradicated from the public eye. They attack her character. They go to the media outlets to call her our publicly. They report her social media platforms so they are deleted. They create such a bad reputation and stir up so much controversy that no one can hire her without bringing the same antagonism upon themselves. So soon, she is blacklisted and unable to work and has been successfully eradicated from the public eye.
One of the main things fueling cancel culture is our attachment to a sense of goodness. People can commit all manner of sins when they are convinced that they are doing it for the “greater good”. The reason that the pattern of cancel culture does not stop is because we fall into the trap of seeing the person doing the cancelling as a ‘good guy’. In fact, this is how a person who is engaged in cancelling sees themselves. They fall into virtue signaling and performative wokeness. How this begins is that the minute that someone says or does something that they dislike, they immediately fall into the social triangle. The social triangle is essentially a triangle of the roles: hero, victim and villain. They see the person who is saying or doing something they dislike as the villain and this means, they are free to choose from the two “good guy” roles of the victim or the hero. They often see themselves as the victim first. But soon, gain power by transitioning into the role of the hero by ‘going against evil or wrongness or badness’. They can do whatever it takes to destroy that person because they are doing it in the name of the greater good and imagine themselves to be ‘saving others’ by doing so. It isn’t much different than a Christian soldier. He has grown up with the understanding ‘thou shalt not kill’. But the minute he decides that something is a threat to his country, suddenly killing is not only ok, it makes him a hero. The triangle is one of the most dangerous social dynamics in existence.
As long as people who engage in cancelling see themselves as the hero and as long as we continue to play into that idea as a society, we will remain an unconscious species. Cancel culture opens the door wide for people to publicly express opinions or sentiments that are intended to do one thing: To demonstrate one's good character or the moral correctness of one's position on a particular issue. And when a person does this, as well as demonstrates political correctness, they can see themselves and be seen as awake and aware and therefore smarter than others. It is a performance of goodness, rightness and virtue. This means, it is in fact a narcissistic strategy as well as a disguised way of fueling the ego… Not activism. The people engaged in cancel culture see themselves as the moral ones, but are in fact the very ones making a meeting of minds or actual healing impossible. Instead they are waging war and destroying lives. For this reason, they cannot call themselves conscious or moral. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening.
The issue of cancel culture has been there for quite a while. But the reason it is cropping up with such intensity right now is multi fold.
First, this is the era of the millennial. Millennials are dictating societal trends more than ever. And the millennial mindset gives rise to cancel culture. To generalize, the millennial generation is a wounded generation. It is a generation of really, really angry people. And they have reason. They have been duped and set up for failure by those who had more power than they did. They feel that everything and everyone is against their best interests, which makes them prone to seeing others as enemies. And they feel really, really powerless. This naturally primes them to go after the source of whatever they dislike as well as to go after power in backdoor and unconscious ways. It also primes them to naturally hate hierarchy and want to take power away from others. The minute they feel displeased or hurt, they feel powerless to whatever displeased or hurt them and so, they want to restore their sense of power and social media has given them the power to do just that. Of course millennials tend to simply remain unaware of all of this and instead justify cancel culture by saying that it is “to hold people accountable for what they say and do”. To understand more about this, watch my videos titled: What’s Wrong with Millennials? And How to Heal the Millennial Wound.
Second, we are living in the era of social media. Social media has changed the world we live in. It has given people a control over canceling what they like and dislike that they never had before. It takes nothing to ‘cancel’ someone. Today, if someone doesn’t like something that someone said or did, they simply rally a group of people against that person from the comfort of their own homes and get them to do things like spread slander or collectively report the person so as to eradicate their support and to have their platforms removed. It is to consciously poison people against someone, so they turn on that person. You can think of it as mass triangulation. To understand more about triangulation, watch my video titled: Are You Being Triangulated?
Social media has now become the new battlefield and you don’t need bravery or expertise or an army or anything else to wage war. You just need a computer. In fact, you will probably only gain by waging war because you can get rid of whoever said or did something you didn’t like as well as see yourself and get others to see you as the public hero. You can also gain significance by being the one to go against something that is significant.
Third, humanity is in an incredibly unsafe time. A great many people feel powerless. We are polarizing intensely and prone to seeing those with alternative viewpoints as enemies. With the issue of a pandemic and also the issue of racial injustice on the table, personal sensitivities and triggers are at an all-time high and the collective is demanding political correctness. Because of this, many people who are in the public eye have recently been “cancelled” in what feels like a public witch hunt. The problem is, the deeper and deeper our culture commits to political correctness, the worse this pattern will become. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Political Correctness.
Cancel culture isn’t something that just effects celebrities, influencers and other people in the public eye. It effects everyone. You don’t have to be famous to be boycotted. And one could say that a goal of cancel culture isn’t limited to punishing someone, it is also a strategy to shame and scare just enough people about potentially suffering the same consequences to make them conform. Let’s say that you share an unpopular opinion or if someone is able to find something from your past that people would consider bad or wrong. They can un-friend you, spread it all over the place on social media, use it as a way to discredit, reject and triangulate against you entirely. That picture of you partying in your college years can even cost you your job.
Because the justification that is used for cancel culture is forcing accountability (especially by those who hate the term itself), we can’t talk about cancel culture without talking about accountability. Canceling someone for a thing they say or do is often seen as social justice. Straight out of the gate, it is critical to see that cancel culture is not really about justice. It is about control. Control is really the forced prevention of what is unwanted and the forced bringing about of what is wanted. People use cancellation to force conformity to ideals. This can be clearly seen currently in the atmosphere of the #metoo movement. If enough people are cancelled for saying or doing things that are perceived anti-feminist, then soon everyone will be forced through fear of consequence to conform and not say or do anything that goes against feminist ideals. Herein lies the first major issue with cancel culture. If people simply conform for fear of consequences, nothing has happened to make an actual change. For example, if people are cancelled on account of perceived sexism, nothing happened to resolve their sexism or the sexism of those around them. Sexism was simply driven beneath the floor boards by public shaming and threat of punishment. It was hidden to fester. It actually makes sexism worse instead of better, just less visible and more covert.
From a universal perspective, cancel culture is an attempt to usurp universal laws. One of the laws in a mirror-based construct (which we live in) is cause and effect. This is what many people call karma. You get a reflection of yourself. This is an organic process. It is a natural, built in form of justice if you will. And it was a construct designed specifically to create learning and therefore awareness. But people want to control this process. They want to take control over the reflection. They do it with punishment and reward. Humanity uses the basic human needs and the deprivation of them as a way to control another person. You have to get this: Punishment and reward is training a person. Punishment and reward is a control technique. And one of the biggest problems with it, other than it doesn’t work, is that it prevents learning. People learn from a natural consequence. For example, if I lean too far over on my bike, a natural consequence is falling. The punishment that human beings impose, is an unnatural consequence. For example, if a child stays out past curfew, we may take his television privileges away. But being unable to watch TV has nothing to do with staying out late at night. So the child learned nothing about the dangers of being out at night or the many consequences that could be a natural result of doing so… things like being too exhausted to pay attention in school the next day or running into situations or people that are dangerous. All this child has learned is that his parents are dictators and that he either has to conform or hide his absence from the house better. If a consequence is not causally related to an action, people learn nothing.
People who participate in cancel culture practices perceive themselves to be powerless and find this control tactic to be a way to take their power back. For example, a woman who feels totally powerless to men and who has weak boundaries or fear of asserting them may feel like her boundaries are not being honored by a man. So, in order to get her power back, she will call him out publicly, triangulate lots of other people against him, call for him to be boycotted and fired from his position. The amount of public pressure that she is able to amount may just result in him being fired. She will tell herself that she is saving other women by doing this and that he is getting what he deserves and is being held accountable for his actions.
As you can see from this example, another big problem relative to the accountability argument is the subjective perception of fairness. For example, the natural consequence of touching a woman in a way that is unwanted would be something like he, himself being touched in a way that is unwanted or he, himself being physically afraid of someone else or being rejected by her and thus, not being able to be physically near that woman. People have a skewed sense of fairness because of the magnitude of their personal triggers. They take their skewed ideas of fairness and justice and create an unnatural, causally unrelated consequence for others. In our example, a man losing his entire reputation, career and potentially life is not actually a causal, natural or one could argue even a fair consequence. Society also doesn’t progress because there is no learning. The man just learns that women are bitches. The woman does not learn how to assert boundaries. The company that fires him learns to bend to public pressure. Society simply creates another rule and consequences for breaking it. And society becomes less and less free and thus less and less conducive to human wellbeing.
I must put some questions before you. What is fair? What is Justice? And how can you know you are right? Who decides what the right consequence is? Are you aware that still to this day in some areas of the globe, people think that the right punishment is public stoning? Years ago, the right punishment was beheading or hanging. What might we think of our concept of punishment today when we are looking back from the future? Are you aware that punishment and reward has nothing to do with cause and effect, it has to do with the limited human perception of right and wrong and strategies to control other people into conforming to ‘rightness’?
We are being called to decide collectively: what does humanity actually want? And why? And how do we best achieve that? No one engaging in cancel culture behavior is actually thinking about this. And in fact cancel culture would not exist if we made our minds up about what we actually want for society and why and how to consciously achieve it. For example, we don’t want a racist society. Let’s say that someone makes a racist remark. Cancel culture is wanting to make it illegal and such a punishable offense that no one ever does it again. But this does nothing to heal racism. It simply drives it beneath the floor boards, where it festers.
I’m not going to tell you today what the definition of justice should be. I’m going to let you really question that yourself. But I am going to tell you that if what we want is a society that is conducive to human health and wellbeing, we are going to have to care infinitely more about healing than we care about control. We are going to have to let go of this juvenile eye for an eye mentality. Besides, at the deepest level what we are really trying to do when we want someone to suffer for making us suffer, is to force empathy and therefore force someone who is out of alignment with us to align with us instead.
To heal is to experience the opposite. This means that people who hold a painful perspective would need actual healing experiences that actually alter the perspective that they currently hold. For example, someone who steals because they feel they have no access to resources would have to experience resources and abundance, not sit in a jail cell. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Is Healing?
From objective perspective, humanity is an out of alignment species because they cause the very thing they punish. For example, the judicial system creates the very rules that ultimately force people into illegal activity. Then that same judicial system punishes them for that illegal activity. Police officers are part of the karma of drug abuse. Parents and schools are part of the karma of their children becoming delinquent.
Humanity is getting more and more out of alignment with its own best interests right now with cancel culture. It is forcing polarization, war, dishonesty, lack of authenticity, suppression, denial, fragmentation, punishment, control, conformity, lack of freedom, ignorance, and unconsciousness, all under the guise of ‘doing what’s right’.
Are you ready for the silver lining? Cancel culture has the potential to raise awareness of the entire topic of justice into human awareness for re-evaluation. This starts with a question that I want you to ask yourself: What is your definition of justice? No one agrees on this. And instead of thinking about it, most people simply swallow an idea of justice fed to them by the society they live in. What does humanity want out of justice? What do you want out of justice? What do you want done with the person who has hurt you or someone else and WHY?
When you walk up to someone and introduce yourself, you introduce yourself by one name. What this means is that you see yourself as a single unit of consciousness. You see yourself as an “I” or a “me”. The problem is, this perception of yourself does not accommodate for the full truth of you. In fact, it can obscure the truth of you. If you see yourself in this way, you can only see the forest and not the trees. In fact, the single biggest step you can take towards self-awareness and awakening is: To begin to see yourself as an ecosystem that is being called by one name.
You call yourself by one name, but you are in essence an accumulation of a very complex system of ‘smaller’ units of consciousness… Just like an ecosystem is. To understand what I mean, look at the ecosystem of the Amazon Rainforest. We call the Amazon Rainforest by one name, but it is an accumulation of its emergent layer, canopy layer, understory layer, forest floor layer; which themselves are composed of an accumulation of evergreen trees, flowering plants, birds, insects, reptiles, fungi, amphibians, rainfall and soil etc.
From objective perspective, each physical human is his or her own universe. We could zoom in on a physical human and see that each thing that is included as a part of this human is in fact its own unit of consciousness. And as a physical human, you have so many things that added together, equal you. For example, you are an accumulation of your spiritual, mental, emotional and physical layers. Just looking at your physical body, each cell of your body has its own consciousness. Each organ also has its own unique consciousness and identity. Your body contains more bacterial cells than human cells (about ten times more in fact) many of which you could not survive without. They are integral to the system that makes up… you. They are considered to be an integral part of you. Your psyche is also not singular. It is made up of many different ‘parts’. We have the tendency of calling these parts ‘sides’ or ‘facets’ of a person’s personality. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Any ecosystem is a community of interacting organisms. Any system is a community of interacting units of consciousness. It is a complex, interconnected network. The “system” that you are comprised of, like any system is unique. There may be common trends that it shares with other systems to be found in the greater universe, but it has its own configuration and each different element of it has a specific relationship to all other parts of the system. For example, your kidneys have a unique relationship to your bladder. Your mental layer of consciousness has a unique relationship to your gut biome. And these relationships, like any relationship can be or become one that is symbiotic and loving, dysfunctional and oppositional or anything in between.
We have to be able to zoom in and zoom out, in order to be fully conscious. When we treat the assemblage that comprises us as if it is a single unit of consciousness, what we are doing is zooming out. When you zoom out, you can see that the collective consciousness of any group of beings could be perceived as a single consciousness. For example, there are millions of people on this planet and we could zoom out to see that if you add all of their consciousnesses together, we could call this single unit ‘the consciousness of humanity’.
In all honestly, you could zoom in and out indefinitely in this universe. For example, even if you zoom in to become aware of the consciousness of a single cell, that single cell is also in fact its own ecosystem of even smaller units of consciousness. And if you were to go into one part of a single cell, that part too would be its own ecosystem of sorts. One reason we must be able to zoom out, is to be able to identify trends, commonalities and patterns for example. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The Surprising Truth, Generalization, Stereotyping and Uniqueness.
All this being said, to be conscious we must be able to do the opposite as well, to zoom in. And this is what people have the hardest time doing, because they feel like in doing so, they lose a solid sense of a singular self. The question soon becomes, if I am all of these things, then what am I? The answer of course is that you are all of them and therefore, not any single one of them. The zooming in process of conscious awareness, requires you to dis-identify. If you would like to understand disidentification, you can watch my video titled: Disidentification (The Process of Non-Attachment).
When all you can see is the forest, and not any single tree within that forest, you fail to be truly conscious of what is happening in that forest. Sticking with this analogy, it is ignorant to refuse to recognize that the tree has its own unique ‘self’; its own personal truths including likes and dislikes, desires and perspective as well as relationships to other trees and insects, soil and weather in the forest. If you cannot recognize the unique consciousness that belongs to the tree, you will not be able to see, feel, hear or understand any of the problems that are happening in the system of the forest.
So often, when a person can’t figure out what is happening with them, it is because they are not zooming in. They are looking at the forest and not at any single tree and the relationship that tree has to other trees and insects and soil etc. You have to be able to get deep into the perspective of any one unit of consciousness that comprises you, in order to fully understand it and its relationship to other things within the system it belongs to. And when you begin to do this, the symptoms you are seeing in that greater forest that is you, suddenly begin to make sense. The second that the medical establishment understands this, the entire human approach to both illness and medicine will change. If this concept interests you further, and you would like to dive a tiny bit deeper into a technique that can help you zoom in relative to yourself, feel free to watch my video titled: Parts Work, what is Parts Work and How to Do It.
I want you to ask yourself this question today and give yourself some time to answer it: If It were true that my name is just the title given to an accumulation of an entire system of things that I am comprised of ( in other words: If I were to see myself as an ecosystem instead of as a single being), what would change for me? How might I begin to live differently? And how would I approach problems that arose in my life differently?
Seeing the reality of the amalgamation of different units of consciousness that culminates in you will change everything with regards to your approach to life. It will make life feel so much more rich, deep and alive. You will finally recognize the complexity of existence, and yet, the divine simplicity within that complexity. You will find so many of the answers that you seek.
We all know a person, maybe you are this person, who chronically opposes, denies and doubts, who has lost faith in human goodness and who is skeptical and pessimistic to the degree that it almost seems they possess either no belief in (or a contempt for) pleasure, hope, faith and positivity. Society calls this person a cynic. But what society has failed to recognize is that cynicism is not a character trait. Cynicism is a coping mechanism.
To cope is to make a specific alteration mentally, emotionally or physically so that you can manage or adapt to something that is causing you stress. A coping mechanism is a specific procedure, process or technique, which manages or creates adaptation to stress. And therefore, by definition, it is the opposite of changing something so that there is no longer a stressor. To understand this more in depth watch my video titled: How to Let Go of a Coping Mechanism. Cynicism is a coping mechanism that may have saved your life at one time, but can absolutely ruin your life. It is also so painful for other people that it creates a vicious spiral of self-fulfilling prophecy.
To understand this coping mechanism, we must go back to the onset. People do not incarnate as cynics or skeptics. Have you ever met a cynical baby? If you are cynical, at some point in your life, you experienced one or several serious let downs. Catastrophic sudden shocks or disappointments relative to the positive elements of your life. For example, a situation or many that caused a catastrophic blow to your belief in others, hopes, dreams, goals, trust, faith, desires, or expectations. This was so psychologically and emotionally and maybe even physically traumatizing, that you decided a state of positivity is inherently vulnerable and so you had to buffer yourself against positivity at all costs. As a result, you began to use negativity as this buffer. But this buffer is experienced as painful and antagonistic by others, causing them to behave in harsh and defensive ways to you, only further reinforcing your negative beliefs in people, which cause you to behave even more cynical, which cause them to be even more hostile to you, which cause you to behave even more cynical, which cause them to behave even more hostile. And thus, the vicious spiral continues.
It is ultimately your right to remain cynical in your approach to the world. The reality is that you have every reason for it to be justified for you to feel and act the way you do. It is simply that living in a constant state of pessimism and let down is not really living and it is also a coping mechanism, much like positive bypassing, smoking, cutting, gambling or suppression for example. For this reason, if you are interested in letting go of the coping mechanism of cynicism, here are some suggestions:
Be brave enough to see what you are getting out of being cynical. How is it serving you? Cynicism is a defense mechanism. You use it to try to stay safe. When you feel hurt and afraid and disappointed, but you can’t face those emotions directly, you turn against the world and begin to push things away. We use cynicism to make sure we never ever get our hopes up only to be let down again. Essentially, we disappoint ourselves before the world can ever do it for us. But cynicism paints the lens you see the world through dark and it also separates you from genuine awareness. Whenever you have an antagonistic perspective about something that someone else feels positive about or whenever you want to deny or doubt or feel pessimism creeping in, stop caring about whether you are right or wrong. You might be either! But that shouldn’t stop you from asking yourself, how might it keep me safe to think and feel and act this way in this exact situation? For example, imagine someone says “I feel like next year is going to be a good year” and you feel yourself immediately thinking the other person is just an optimistic idiot, but you know you want to work on your tendency of being skeptical, look at how believing the person is an idiot and that next year is gonna suck keeps you safe. What does it prevent you from experiencing or being?
You are going to have to see yourself as a “scapegoater” to get over the behavior. Instead of making the real problem the problem, such as the other person, you made positivity or hope or optimism the problem, thus scapegoated it. And so many skeptics are scapegoats for their families and other people that if you are a skeptic, you should know how “off” that is. Many skeptics do this scapegoating of the positive so as to preserve relationships with the people who let them down. In other words, it isn’t Dad that’s the problem, it’s that I got my hopes up that is the problem. That way, I can control not getting hurt again, not having the solution be in dad’s hands and still hang out and be close to dad without there being a problem between us and still feel a sense of belonging. Getting over cynicism is about getting into reality about what the real problem was and is, relative to things not coming to fruition, hopes or expectations not being fulfilled, disappointments and negative trends. Rather than scapegoating the optimism, expectations, hopes or goals themselves.
You set out to prove everything wrong because if you prove everything else wrong, you are not wrong. Many skeptics feel like in life, other people either made or tend to make everything their fault so if they prove that the fault lies with other things and people in the external, they don’t have to feel that deep down fear that everything is their fault. This is the insecurity you can’t face. But anything besides facing that insecurity is avoidance. This is one of the reasons why arguing with a cynic or skeptic does no good, it reinforces the painful narrative inside them of “I am wrong”.
If you are a skeptic, you are going to have to accept a very vulnerable truth about yourself. All of your ways of thinking and behaving are ways to completely disguise your true missing need: Kindness. What you really want is kindness. But you would never dare reveal this vulnerability or set yourself up to have your hopes dashed again and so you would never admit to it or ask for kindness directly. If you are a skeptic, you tend to isolate and not have many friends. You give off the impression that you don’t want any. But deep down, you don’t want to end up alone. You want relationships that feel good and feel like ease, with people who are kind and considerate and who really value you and do not let you down. The only reason you tend to isolate is because you associate people with pain. The thing is, your cynicism hurts people. So they associate you with pain. You are perpetuating the very cycle that hurt you and made you this way in the first place. If you want society to change, you already know you can’t expect THEM to change first so that you can change.
If you want to have people in your life who are kind and considerate and who value you and don’t let you down, those are the qualities you need to offer others. If all they feel is stupid and wrong and un-valued by you, which is how they currently feel, they can’t really share themselves with you and wont desire to be close to you. As it stands, people have to be willing to be pricked and bitten by you to be close to you. Sit with that and see how you might be willing to make yourself safer to others and sit with how much it sucks to have to be the one to make that first move into kindness. You give off the absolute opposite impression from what you really want and need, which is the opposite of a recipe for actually getting what you want and need.
Many skeptics come from families where there is already a problem with happiness, no matter what the members of the family might have said. For example, it is common for a mother to say “all I want is for you to be happy” but in reality, any time her child was happy, she got exasperated or shamed her child for getting his or her hopes up. If you are a skeptic, the vulnerability of positivity is what you are trying to avoid. For this reason, it is critical to understand your negative association with positivity and happiness and see that positive emotion could in and of itself be a trigger for you. Negating anything positive is how many cynics control their rather wounded and therefore fragile emotional system by maintaining a predictable feeling of ‘negative or monotone’ so as to create predictability. It’s a “no real dramatic up and downs if I keep myself at a predictably low emotional altitude” thing. But this is not the life you came here to live. It is not a recipe for fulfillment. To understand this dynamic fully, watch my video titled: When Happiness is a BAD Thing.
Be brave enough to look at the wound hiding underneath the coping mechanism. To do this, you’re going to have to be especially attuned to the subtle emotional trigger you have when you hear good news or positive expectation or hope being expressed by someone else or being felt by you. You can use that discomfort and the thoughts that come with it like “that’s never going to happen” or “the only reason that person is doing that is for their own self-gratification” or “the world is going to shit anyway” as a doorway into the original experience. This way, you can create resolve relative to the actual wounding experience. To do this, you can use The Completion Process. Doing this process will help you answer the question: When did I experience a trauma in which my faith in people or my positive goals or hopes or expectations or faith was dashed? When did I feel totally blindsided? When did I become disillusioned? What painful disappointment was too much for me to resolve? To learn how to do this process, you can pick up a copy of my book titled: The Completion Process or visit www.completionprocess.com and select a practitioner to lead you through it. You can also watch my video titled: How to Heal the Emotional Body. And because disappointment is so often the deep wound beneath cynicism, it would benefit you to watch my video titled: Disappointment (How to Get Over Disappointment).
Like many good coping mechanisms, they become all wound up in your self concept. In other words, you found a way to wind a coping mechanism that causes you pain into your self-esteem. Thus, your ego now imagines that it is dependent on it. Cynicism must be unhooked from your self-esteem in order for you to let go of it. If you are a Cynic, you maintain the coping mechanism because you tell yourself that being cynical or skeptical makes you more intelligent, wore experienced and worldly… better. Your sense of superiority is derived from seeing what you call the “harsh reality” of others and of the world. You tend to derive self-esteem through how dumb and innocent and naïve and inexperienced you think others are when they are positive. The reality is that when you suffered the original wound of being so disappointed and so let down, you turned against yourself. You didn’t only scapegoat positivity, you also scapegoated yourself for being so stupid and naïve as to not see it coming. You project this same sentiment onto anyone who subconsciously reminds you of yourself at the time that wound occurred… anyone who has their hopes up, is positive, has faith or expresses optimism.
Start the practice of AND consciousness. This is a safer thing to include as part of your self concept than cynicism. Reality is comprised of polarities. ‘And Consciousness’ is a state of mind where you develop the ability to hold space for extremes. This is an important part of the development of both mental and emotional maturity. In the moment that we acknowledge a contradictory truth or state of being and expand wide enough to be able to hold both, as if holding both is ok, we have dis-identified with both extremes. We have ceased to become either or and instead have become the thing that is holding both. Reality includes both positive and negative. Both faith and doubt. The most conscious person is the person who doesn’t try to negate one with the other, or who only recognizes one and not the other, it is the person who is aware of both in every situation. It is not any more aware of a person to only be aware of the negative than it is to only be aware of the positive.
If you are a cynic, to be in reality is to see that you are relationally traumatized. Relational trauma is trauma experienced in relationship with other people. This has led to you becoming a deeply distrustful person and for good reason. Anyone who tells you that you should just start trusting people is seriously out of reality. As you cannot just force yourself to trust someone, it’s actually impossible. But trust in relationships is a key component to happiness. For this reason, you’re going to have to really, deeply understand trust and how to develop it. To understand how to do this, watch two of my videos: The first is: Trust (What is Trust and How to Build Trust in Relationships). The second is: How To Create a Safe Relationship.
As a cynic, you are trying harder to buffer yourself from suffering and pain than you are trying to see truth or to see things as they are. But the best thing about you is that you WANT to be in reality. You may be currently leaving positivity out of the picture of reality, but you are more brave than most when it comes to seeing many of the painful parts of reality that other people want to deny. You have broken out of many patterns of ignorance and falsehood and discovered more of what is real and you have seen the genuine problems in the world. This knowledge can give you power in fact. After all, your only axis of power is to be in reality. What have you become disillusioned with and why? What is that disillusionment showing you that you do want? How could you put your energy into it and take action to create that change you do want? For example, if the issue with the world is that people aren’t kind, and if you had to be the one to show people by example what it looked like to be kind, what would you think, say and do. Now Do That!
As a skeptic, your negative assessments are a defense against suffering. You are deeply afraid of expecting anything that turns out to be less than what you want or expect. You spend your life disappointing yourself and letting yourself down and countering hope and faith before the world can do it for you. It was a brilliant strategy. But all brilliant strategies can wind up being the very thing that harms you, in your case the very thing committing you to a painful life. I am not here today to make a case for positivity. Or to convince you that life is good. Or that people are good. You have plenty of valid proof of the opposite. I am merely here to say that you are living in a coping mechanism that just might be preventing you from the fulfillment of the life that you actually came here to live.
Most people on the planet feel conditionally loved. They feel people will value, appreciate and love them only if they are perceived as good and right and successful and are doing what others want and expect etc. This means that most people have this deep missing need of feeling unconditionally loved no matter what they do or don’t do, are or are not. At face value, this seems reasonable. After all, we all know the pain that conditionality can bring. We know the pain of feeling like we have to act a certain way in order to belong and to avoid conflict and to not be abandoned. The practice of unconditional love is one of the cornerstones of many spiritual philosophies. Just go ahead and look up how many quotes on unconditional love there are. But let’s look at the shadow of this philosophy.
When we say we want unconditional love, what we really mean is that we want an unconditional relationship. We want a relationship with no consequences. We want a relationship where no matter what we do or don’t do, the other person will continue to value us and appreciate us to the degree that they will feel good towards us and never ever get into conflict suffering with us or want to leave us. Sit with this for a minute. To expect unconditional love is to expect there to be no cause and effect. To want unconditional love is to want a relationship where there is no pressure on you, including no expectations. It really isn’t love we are asking for. We are simply using that word to represent the feeling of being valued and appreciated so as to be wanted and pulled in and held on to by someone.
To love is to take something as a part of yourself. To understand this more in depth, watch my video titled: What is Love?. When you do this, you expand so that yourself and the other person are like two parts within you. You don’t abandon the part that is yourself for the sake of the part of you that is the other person. It is simply that now, the best interests of both parts within you (yourself and them) are your concern. You have an intrinsic motive to want to meet both of their needs and resolve both of their pain. But this means that incompatibility now matters to you immensely. You cannot feel good meeting one’s needs at the expense of the other. And therefore, to truly love, you must recognize conditions that exist for both parts within the relationship instead of deny them.
For example, let’s imagine that you are a person who wants a simple, no pressure life that is centered around hobbies and hanging out with the people you love. Now let’s imagine that you develop romantic feelings for a person who is ambitious, someone who wants a big life that is centered around the accumulation of wealth, achievements and travel. If you get into a relationship with this person, this incompatibility will very soon cause you both pain. You will feel conditionally loved when the other person begins to complain about your lack of ambition and about how they carry the financial weight in the household and about the “losers” who you hang out with. You begin to feel that they don’t like who you are and that they will only love you if you become someone else.
They will feel conditionally loved when you are frustrated at how they can’t just be satisfied with what they have. They will feel conditionally loved when no matter how much you see that they are unhappy in the small, predictable life, you do nothing to change it and instead keep playing your same hobbies and spending time with those same people instead of trying to make a better, bigger life for both of you. What you want is for this person to value you and appreciate you to the degree that they will feel good towards you and never ever get into conflict suffering with you or leave you no matter if you never make any more money, never travel and make them carry the burden of any life style improvements alone for example. What they want is for you to value them and appreciate them to the degree that you will feel good towards them and never get into conflict suffering with them or want to leave them no matter if they think your friends and family are all losers, leave you behind for trips they go on around the world, and work so much that it feels like you’re living two separate lives. This is not possible.
You can include someone as a part of you, so as to see what is truly best for them and what they truly want. But if the truth of someone takes you further away from what you want, further away from your truth and causes you to suffer, you will not be able to value and appreciate it to the degree that it feels good and compels you to be on good terms and stay with them in the same relationship configuration. This means that loving someone does not always mean to always approve and always stay with them. To understand more about this, watch my videos titled: Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality in Relationships). And Why Approval is Not Love.
The person who you are the least likely to get the most unconditionality from is a primary partner. The reason is that they have the most “skin in the game”. They are the person whose life is the most directly affected by conditions involving you. In fact, to be unconditional, they would have to be totally disconnected so nothing you are or do affects them. This is why so many people who are in need of relationship rehabilitation do so well with therapists. A therapist relationship is more unconditional than almost any other relationship. No matter what you say in that room, it doesn’t cause them to get upset or de-value you or stop appreciating you or want to stop seeing you every week. But this is because they have no skin in the game. If you go home and shoot up heroine and burn your house down, it doesn’t directly impact their life. A friend is probably going to be more conditional because they are more directly affected by you than a therapist. A primary partner is going to be a relationship you really have to step up to the plate for. It will be a relationship of expectations and pressure. The more compatible you are, the easier this will be and the less it will seem like this.
Love is not the same as a relationship with no pressure and no expectations. I know that a relationship like this seems the most secure and safe to you. It feels like the relationship you can relax in and feel good about yourself in. But it is a myth. It is a myth you are chasing because of your deep wound of “you are wrong and bad and therefore must change”.
I want you to ask yourself, “When I say, I want to be loved just for me, what does “just me” mean? What is just you? What are you? Are you what you do? What you want? How you behave? How you feel? What you think? What you say? Your actions? What your desires are? What your needs are? Just an intangible essence or energy? Are you only one of these things, or all of them? Once you decide, can you see that to not get into any conflict suffering regarding those things or to want to stay tied to you forever, someone would have to be compatible to those things?
I am going to challenge you that what you want is not an unconditional relationship. You aren’t even incapable of giving that to someone. Will you continue to value and appreciate someone to the degree that you will feel good towards them and never ever want to physically leave them if they cheat on you? What if they abuse you? What about if they make a decision that means by staying with them physically, you will never align with your desires? Chances are, if you are a person who says you can unconditionally love, unlike everyone else, what you are really saying is that you are a person who thinks it is ok and even good to give your best interests up for and to suffer for a relationship… to stay with someone no matter how miserable you and/or they are together.
What you want is a relationship with someone whose conditions are compatible to you… Compatible to your wants, needs, values, character makeup etc. For example, if you desire for someone to stay with you even though you have a temper or to stay with you if you end up in an accident that leaves you disabled or if you are poor forever, what you want is someone who can say yes, I’m compatible to that, because those aren’t conditions for conflict suffering or for ending a relationship for them specifically. One person could genuinely not have the condition of physical ability with regards to fulfillment in their relationship, another person could. One person could genuinely not have the condition of ambition, another could. One person could not have the condition of being together physically, another could. One person could not have the condition of wealth, another could.
The reality is that everyone has different conditions. What you want is the person whose conditions, you feel ok with and who is ok with your conditions. That is far closer to actual love than the mythical ‘unconditional love’ that people have unconsciously gone after for so long. Love in and of itself is ultimately unconditional because to take someone as a part of yourself is not a contradiction to incompatibility. Love is ultimately unconditional because at the deepest level, all is one. We are all part of each other, whether we recognize it yet or not. There is no actual way to truly separate from one another, even though in the physical dimension, we can move our bodies to create the perception of distance. There is no way for you to separate from this universe. But all people must become damn conscious of and damn straight with themselves and other people about their relationship conditions. Keep in mind that we will have different and unique conditions for every different relationship configuration that we have; from therapist relationships to coaches to business partnerships to friends to siblings to parents to children to husbands to wives.
Because the quality of unconditionality has become a virtue in this society, people are shamed for their conditionality. They are led to believe some conditions are ok and some are not. For example, you are fine to love conditionally and can thus stay a good person if the condition upon which you leave someone is being beaten up or sexually abused by them. You are not fine and are in fact a terrible person if the condition upon which you leave someone is them being poor. The thing is, just because you shame someone for something, doesn’t mean it changes. People simply deny it even though it is there. They say, “I love you no matter what and till death do us part” and then leave you when their subconscious conditions are not met. The unfortunate thing is, to admit to your own conditions relative to relationships, you are going to have to risk feeling like you are and like people will see you as a bad person… ironically thus re-triggering your original wound of: “you are wrong and bad and therefore must change” as well as your pendulum swing desire of wanting unconditional love.
Each and every person comes into this life as a unique expression of source consciousness. This means each person comes in with a unique essence, like an energetic signature. Their unique purpose and unique thoughts and unique feelings and unique desires and unique needs and unique role within the greater universe is embedded in that essence.
The socialization process (which parenting is at the core of) could be a process of enabling a child to unfold according to that unique blueprint. But this is not the world that we currently live in. We live in a world where the process of socialization is usually an impediment to this process of unfolding.
The people around you as a child look at you as if you are a raw substance that they can and should mold into what they think is best for you and best for them. They tell you that certain things are acceptable and if you are those things, you will be loved and safe. They tell you that certain things are unacceptable and if you are those things, you will be rejected and unsafe. Anything that remotely resembles something that will make you unsafe or make you meet with disapproval is then something that you feel vulnerable about. And you begin a process of splitting yourself. You put forward and develop only the things about you that make you loved and safe in the world. The rest, you keep hidden. By doing this, you become distorted. It is a process of conditioned self-distortion.
Your personality is in essence, fake. Your personality is an amalgamation of the parts of you that you identified with and developed so as to stay safe and away from vulnerability in the very specific situations that you were raised in. You suppressed, rejected, denied and disowned the aspects that made you vulnerable or got you disapproved of in the world. By doing this, they became subconscious. They are buried outside of your awareness and you most likely don’t know they even exist. This is how your truth was hidden from you. To understand more about this process, I encourage you to watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
One pattern that is a part of this socialization process, hid your truth in a way that conditions to fight to keep your truth hidden. It is a pattern of development and praise. Let me explain this pattern: Adults have a pre-conceived idea of what is ‘good’ vs. ‘bad’. This idea is going to vary from culture to culture. Once they form the idea of what ‘good thing’ they want a child to be, they will begin to pin point, develop and then praise the child for that thing. The child’s entire system is dependent upon this approval because it guarantees them closeness and safety with those he or she is dependent on. So, the child will identify with and develop self-esteem relative to that thing which the adults sought to develop in him or her. With his or her self-esteem now wrapped up into that thing, the re-owning of the suppressed, rejected and denied opposite part, now not only poses a threat to his or her safety, but also poses a threat to his or her self-esteem. With unsafety and shame as a barrier to cross in order to become authentic and discover the full truth of himself or herself, this person will fight for the skewed truth of themselves. This process is so subconscious, it is rather like your childhood experience conditioning a Pavlov’s response within you relative to your own internal character traits, which keeps the actual truth of you hidden. It causes you to defend the distortions within you as well as defend the idea that the distortions are not distortions, but are instead genuine, authentic expressions of who you are and what is true about you. But because this is not actually the case, there is no way for you to lead an authentic life and thus, no way for you to be deeply fulfilled in your life.
Here are two examples:
A girl who is raised in the cowboy culture is naturally feminine, bubbly and sensitive. These are traits which are seen as weak and pathetic in a culture that values being “cowboy tough”. This little girl is put into all kinds of situations in her childhood environment (both intentionally and unintentionally) that require the opposite trait of “true grit”. When she shows grit, she is safer and praised and admired and accepted. She is being conditioned by her environment and the people around her to be ashamed of, disown and bury her bubbly, sensitive femininity. She is also being conditioned by her environment and the people around her that she is full of grit and that she should be proud that she is full of true grit. By the time she grows up, the truth of her is skewed and hidden because part of the truth of her is literally invisible to her own vision of self while another part is exaggerated to take up her full vision of self. She is not only split, she is distorted. And it will cause her A LOT of pain. All her life decisions will be based off of true grit. The man who becomes attracted to her and who she marries will love this about her and most likely be the kind of man who is not looking to take care of a woman because he wants a woman who can fend for herself. The career she chooses will be one that reinforces the need for true grit. She has been conditioned to see women who are feminine as weak and pathetic, but she will nonetheless become more and more jealous of them and the way they are taken care of and protected. She may struggle with infertility, because she denies her femininity and the tissues of her body have been formed and continually fed with the message to be hard and closed so as to become like armor, which is the opposite of the soft, open, receptive state necessary for conception. She will be more and more unfulfilled because the needs and expression of the feminine, sensitive, bubbly part of herself have no place in her life and because of it, many of her deepest needs will not be met.
A boy grows up with parents that had children specifically to serve their own needs. They believe servitude is what they are owed for giving the children life in the first place. The parents either ignore or discourage any interest or behavior that does not benefit them directly. Instead, they encourage and develop his “helping” skills. He is daddy and mommy’s little helper. Whenever he helps mom with cleaning or helps dad with a project or helps them take care of a younger sibling, or helps out on the farm, he is praised. When they talk about him to their friends, they say he is such a good help. His self-concept and self-esteem is now tied to being a helper. He has been conditioned to ignore any other interests he has, to the degree he doesn’t even remember they exist or rejects them as selfish. He has become distorted. His life will be unhappy because he will make all his life choices based off of this identity he has now been conditioned into of ‘the helper’. He will choose a career where he is helping someone else to succeed. If he marries a woman, he will find a woman who needs support. He will most likely be so codependent that he loses track of his own likes and dislikes and interests and does not know why he feels so empty and like he has no core. It will feel like he has just somehow ended up in someone else’s life.
One thing to understand about authenticity is that when the process of socialization conditions a person to identify with and develop and wrap their self-esteem around one trait, it doesn’t mean that trait is false and the one that is disidentified from and buried is the actual truth of them. Both traits are in fact a true part of them. For example, grit is a genuine part of the consciousness of the girl in our example and helping is a genuine skill in the consciousness of the boy in our example. But so is feminine, sensitivity in the consciousness of the girl in our example. And so is interests and talents that did not directly serve the parents in the consciousness of the boy in our example. It is simply that when one is fed and the other is denied, the person becomes inauthentic because their expression becomes polarized and skewed. They polarize and distort and become unaware of the full truth of themselves and make life choices that do not account for or accommodate the actual, full truth of themselves.
The process of integration will reveal these distortions to you so you can bring yourself back into alignment. Chances are, if you are reading this article, your healing experience is in the process of revealing one or several of them to you. But to start you off, I want you to make a few lists comprised of the things that each adult caregiver in your childhood sought to develop and praise in you. When you have done this, make a list of the things that your childhood environment conditioned in you. For example, one person might write a list under dad like: Bravery, studying law, football, unemotionality, logic, honor, self-lessness, hard work etc. And under mom like: Kindness, academics, hard work, honor, gratitude, self-lessness, putting family above myself etc. And under environment this person might write things like: hard work, selfless-ness, academic success, duty to elders etc. Looking at these lists, see if you can feel how that conditioning may have distorted you. What might it have caused you to reject, deny and disown in you? What might it have caused you to develop and exaggerate? How might that have negatively affected your life? How might it be negatively affecting your life now?
For example, the person in our example has found out that a trait that his mom, dad and environment sought to develop and praise is hard work. Any part of himself that is seen to oppose this, like fun and spontaneity and relaxation most likely got suppressed, denied and disowned. He doesn’t think of himself as a fun guy and also immediately despises the idea of relaxation because he is afraid of becoming lazy. He derives his self-esteem from being able to call himself such a hard worker, especially because it makes him better than all those shameful, lazy people in his life. But is he happy? No. He might realize that this distortion that he was conditioned into has made it so he doesn’t do things that come easy to him. He only chooses to do things that don’t come easy to him. He might realize that his body is breaking down and he has back issues because he runs himself into the ground working all hours of the day. He may realize that he attracts people who are lazy because they know he will do all the work for them. He may see he doesn’t spend enough time with his loved ones because it feels un-productive.
When a person is conditioned to wrap their safety and self-esteem up in an element of their consciousness, while being conditioned to reject another element of their consciousness because of believing it to be unsafe and shameful, the truth of themselves will stay hidden (even from themselves) until the pain of this internal distortion and the pain that is the result of the life choices they will make because of this distortion, is so acute that they can’t maintain it anymore.
But it is possible to recognize and develop parts of yourself that you have rejected and denied and have become unconscious of as a result of this process of conditioned distortion. It is possible to come back into a state of alignment, a state where your embodiment reflects your true essence. In fact, one of the very best ways to do it, is through what many experts now call parts work. To understand how to do parts work, watch my video titled: Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How To Do It). You do not need to be afraid that un-distorting yourself will lead you to become shameful and unsafe, like they led you to believe. That is simply the conditioning that caused the distortion speaking.
I’m going to warn you. This is the biggest “call out” I have done up to this point. Because of the fact that I will be pressing on your biggest pain point, which is your deepest unmet need; and also, the lie of altruism, be prepared for this episode to trigger you. It is especially likely to trigger shame. Just know that I wouldn’t be doing this if you weren’t ready.
The first truth I must present so that you understand the rest of what is to come is:
There is no such thing as altruism in the universe. Before you panic about this and decide the universe is evil, consider that in a universe where at the most fundamental level all is one, there cannot be altruism. Altruism is a concept that can only exist in a reality of self vs. other and thus in an atmosphere of separation. This means that acting selflessly is not actually possible. And self-sacrifice is in fact a self-centered act. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Self Sacrifice, the Most Self-Centered Thing in the World. Altruism is usually a mutually beneficial thing. But I say mutually beneficial, because it does not happen unless there is a personal benefit on behalf of the person who is taking ‘altruistic’ action. Because altruism is not possible, only mutual benefit is, conscious transaction is in fact the next step for the human race. When you see something as a part of yourself, suddenly their happiness is a part of your happiness and so there is immediate, built in and intrinsic benefit to lending your energy to their wellbeing. But before people can truly grasp oneness and therefore see ‘other’ as a part of themselves, conscious transaction is the closest that people can get to love at this point in human evolution. When someone is being “altruistic”, they are trying to create a mutually beneficial arrangement or transaction without your knowledge. The problem is that right now, people are doing this with one another un-consciously and subconsciously rather than consciously.
The blind spot that you have is the WHY you do nice things for other people. To understand what is in this blind spot, we have to go back to childhood. Right now, no matter how good parenting is, the elements that either are or aren’t there in a child’s upbringing amounts to an upbringing that is not perfect. This means there are needs you did not get met from your parents or other people or situations in your childhood. But we can narrow this down and say that most people are starving for something very specific. Because they did not ever get that specific thing, they don’t think it will be given to them. They have to figure out how to get it and they believe they must either ‘take it’ or ‘pay for it’. Whenever we feel a need cannot be met directly because it won’t be given and it won’t come as a result of asking for it, we feel we must manipulate to get it. Manipulation is simply a strategy we use to try to get something that we can’t get directly, in an indirect way. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: Meet Your Needs. You create a subconscious transaction where you do something nice for them (what many would call altruistic) with the expectation of getting that thing you have been starving for in return. Because it is subconscious, you don’t communicate this transaction to the other person. You never express what you’re expecting to get, because you’re not conscious of it.
The problem is that most of the time because you are going about the process indirectly and so the person never knows or agrees to their side of the deal, the transaction will go sour. You won’t get that need met by doing it. Also it is likely that you will try to create a transaction in a situation or with a person that mirrors the original person or situation in which you didn’t get the need met in the first place. Thus it is even less likely to produce the result you are going for.
So you can understand this pattern, I’ve got some examples:
A child is a scapegoat in the family and doesn’t get alliance no matter what they do. They are always the bad guy. As an adult, this child does things for others expecting that if they do, they will get guaranteed allegiance. If the people in their life do things that seem un-allied, they will feel betrayed and taken for granted by them.
A man’s father left when he was a child and his mother treated him like a burden, who was on his own to do everything by himself. He could never get the need met of someone being totally committed to him. He gives everything to the woman he is with now.
Puts her through college, buys her gifts, pays for her rent, helps her with everything, all with the hidden expectation that it will guarantee her life-long commitment. If she acts not committed in any way, he feels crushed, taken advantage of and like he is in a one-way relationship.
A girl’s parents were always busy and off doing other things. They did not help her succeed in any way. She needed but could never get togetherness. She rescues men and is with them no matter what with the idea that doing so will guarantee that they will do the same in return… to always commit to togetherness. If the man she is with starts to do things that make her feel like they are not “together” in life, like walk ahead of her or decide to spend time with his friends instead of her or do something for himself instead of for ‘them’, she will feel completely alone and undervalued and abandoned and used and resentful.
A boy is always disapproved of. His unmet need is unconditional approval. When he grows up, he gives unconditional approval to people who exhibit behaviors that are disapproved of by others, expecting to get the same in return. He even makes mistakes to “test them” in their capacity to continue meeting this need. If they begin to disapprove of him in any way, he feels angry, worthless, wrongly and unfairly treated.
A child was never seen as special. They try to befriend a celebrity because they can see that deep down the celebrity is lonely. They do this because if they are friends with a celebrity, they can feel significant by proxy and this makes them feel special. But this is a transaction. If they are treated in any way by that celebrity or anyone around the celebrity in a way that doesn’t make them feel special, they feel insignificant and therefore re-traumatized and vengeful. Celebrities have died as a result of this turn of events leading to friends trying to gain back significance in the celebrity’s life by killing them.
It is common that in our relationships we will “test” the other person relative to this need of ours that we are trying to subconsciously meet through hidden transaction. We will act in ways so as to say: Are you really committed? Will I really get unconditional approval? Will you really see me as excellent? What if I do this?? Or that?? We will do this in order to see how reliable and secure this need meeting is because we feel so deeply insecure about it.
You use these hidden transactions as a way to meeting your un-met needs. It will seem on the surface like altruism. But if the unmet need is not met… If the thing you’re making a subconscious transaction to get is not given, you will feel the way that anyone feels when someone doesn’t hold up their end of a deal. Things like betrayed, taken for granted, resentful and even hatred. Something interesting to recognize is that the relationship that you will consider the most painful, is the one in which the needs you have in the subconscious transaction are met the very least. For example, if what a woman is looking to get out of her subconscious transaction with a friend is: recognize the positive in me, her worst friendship will be the one in which her excellence is recognized the least in exchange for what she is doing for that other person.
The solution to this pattern is not to stop being selfish and to stop being transactional. It is to make subconscious transaction a conscious and expressed and agreed to transaction instead. To do this, you have to first recognize the needs you are trying to fulfill through subconscious transactions. Look at a nice thing you are doing for someone in your life or thinking about doing. Ask yourself: If I were to accept that there is no such thing as altruism in this universe, therefore the reality is that I am trying to get some need (or needs) met for myself out of doing this “altruistic” thing, what is that need? What do I expect in return? What is the feeling state I’m after? What would make me mad to not get as a result of doing this thing?
I’ll give you a hint: The core thing we are trying to get through hidden transaction is the thing you will complain about others not doing, not offering and not giving to you or to others the very most. It will also be interesting for you to know that if you can’t go directly for that need, your child will likely carry on the legacy of trying to get that need met… or actually be the one to get it met.
You also have to recognize the needs other people are trying to fulfill through subconscious transactions for doing nice things for you. If you were to accept that there is no such thing as altruism in this universe, therefore the reality is that they trying to get some need (or needs) met for themselves out of doing this “altruistic” thing, what is that need? What do they expect in return? What is the feeling state they are after? What would make them mad to not get as a result of doing this thing?
Granted, having a conversation with other people about this usually triggers intense levels of shame and as a result, denial. But the ideal situation is that a conversation can take place so as to mutually arrive consciously at a mutually beneficial transaction for you both. This conversation can sometimes reveal that you will always be barking up the wrong tree trying to get the specific need you have met from that person or in that situation. But this brings you one step closer to a person or situation where you can actually get it.
The other thing you can do is to integrate the part of you that doesn’t give you or allow you to have the thing you’re trying to get from others through subconscious transaction. For example, a woman who is trying to get commitment by doing nice things for the men in her life, must integrate the part of herself that is not committed to her. A man who is trying to get the recognition of excellence by doing things for other people, must integrate the part of him that does not recognize him as excellent. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How to Do It).
When you figure out what need you are trying to meet in this round-about way, don’t shame yourself for it. Instead, go directly for it with the people and in the ways that you can ACTUALLY get it.
Back pain is an all-consuming experience. You will not realize how much you depend on your back on a daily basis until it is “injured”. And when it is, you will feel crippled. It is also an emotionally intimidating experience, especially for people who use movement to turn down or turn off their negative emotions. The current medicine of our day does not yet recognize the relationship between the mind, emotions and body. All physical ailments have a mental and emotional root… even ailments that at face value are caused by physical accidents. To leave out the mental and emotional dimension of physical ailment is to practice poor medicine. The resolution of physical ailments is often dependent upon the resolving of those mental and emotional elements. But back pain is special in that if you are going to resolve your back pain, you are going to have to get ahead of the current times and really get that if you have back pain, it is about an emotional issue.
Injury can obviously occur to cause back pain, people can break their back in an accident for example. But this is by far and away the exception. And, there is also an emotional reason for someone getting into an accident. Unless someone has no idea why they have back pain because it simply came on seemingly out of nowhere, people who suffer with back pain, believe they were hurt or that the pain was brought on by some physical activity. This is not actually the case. This ‘moment’ of onset is simply when the pain started. You can think of it as the trigger. There is always a reason why THAT moment was when it started, and it is related to the emotional/mental root of the issue. The reality is that because of this mental/emotional root, there was stress that caused the tension in that area before that moment. This tension makes the blood flow constrict and muscles and nerves and bones and tendons and ligaments in that area susceptible to setting off pain signals as well as more susceptible to injury. You could consider this moment of onset the crisis point of escalation of the underlying mental and emotional issue.
For example, let’s say that a woman feels totally unsupported and burdened with the full responsibility of the household and children. She needs support and she needs her husband to take his fair share of responsibility relative to the kids. Her daughter has to be driven to soccer practice. She knows her husband will stay in the chair watching TV. So, she feels obligated and resentful and bulldozes herself to be the one to get her daughter ready and in the car and drive her to practice herself. This causes tension to occur in the muscles in her back. When she pulls into the parking lot, and lifts the soccer equipment out of the car, she “tweaks” her back and tells the story “the pain is about me lifting the equipment out wrong”. The pain is actually about feeling totally unsupported and unfairly burdened with responsibility in her home life. This moment is simply the moment that this repressed emotional problem in her life has reached a threshold at which point the symptom of that underlying problem begins.
Some experts will tell you that back pain is your body’s way of converting psychological pain to physical pain as a way of covering up, distracting or repressing the emotional pain. It is true that this may be the protection strategy belonging to one or more of your parts, because it is terrified of facing the reality of the psychological and emotional stress it is in. You must consider that potentially the physical pain is serving as an avoidance or deflection strategy from emotional distress. But physical pain occurs when the emotional and mental pain is repressed (which is to subconsciously feed it with energy) for so long, that it escalates into a physical manifestation. And it does this so that you can no longer repress it and are forced to face and resolve it instead. The faster and more willingly you do this, the faster the physical manifestation, which is a symptom (in this case the back pain) goes away.
Pain exists to draw our attention to what needs attention in order for resolution to occur. In fact, you could say that pain stands for; Pay Attention Integrate Now. Pain increases to make suppressing, denying, escaping or avoiding a problem impossible to do. Pain can be thought of as a child that is screaming and crying for you to resolve something that is causing it pain. If you are in pain, something in your life on a mental, emotional or physical level needs to be changed so that you can be in alignment and feel good. If you are not putting energy into recognizing and resolving the actual root issue causing that pain, simply taking pain medications is like silencing that small child by drugging it to sleep. All pain has a cause. You have to find and resolve that cause for the pain to go away. The pain is not the problem. It’s the alarm bell alerting you to the problem.
You’re going to have to talk to your back to find the mental/emotional root of your back pain. A while back, I did a video titled: Parts Work, What Is Parts Work and How To Do It. In this episode, I explained that when you have a physical ailment, you have to talk to the part of your body that is having a problem. When it comes to back pain, you can talk to your back and you can talk to your back pain specifically (they may be two different parts). To learn specifically how to do this, watch that video. I must mention here that consciousness exists separate of the brain. Pain originates in consciousness. But on a physiological level, pain originates in the brain. For this reason, another ‘part’ of yourself that is good to become familiar with and talk to in order to find resolution when you are suffering any kind of pain, is your brain.
When it comes to back pain, you must take a look at whatever situation in your life seems “unworkable”. When something is unworkable, it implies that you are powerless to it staying the way it is. If you perceive something to be causing you pain or threatening to cause you pain on an emotional, mental or physical level, you need to change the situation so you can feel good again. If you believed that could happen and knew how to do it, you would feel empowered and so, you wouldn’t become stressed and tense. But if you perceive whatever is causing you that pain or posing that threat to be unworkable, you feel immediately powerless. The perception of unworkability leads to a feeling of powerlessness and this creates the emotional experience of pressure, anxiety and anger. With back pain, this entire emotional experience is what becomes repressed. What in your current life do you feel is totally unworkable? Name it directly. From there, all your energy should go towards consciously figuring out what to do about that perception of unworkability specifically. First of all, is it really unworkable? Maybe you can tell whoever is involved in the situation what you feel is totally unworkable so that you draw their attention to it so that they can problem solve that unworkability with you. Ask yourself, what could I try to do so that the situation that feels unworkable is workable instead? Only if it is truly unworkable… you can ask yourself: if I accepted that unworkability, instead of simply accepting that my life will be pain, what would I do instead? Because so many unworkable situations are lose-lose situations, it may benefit you to watch my video titled: How to Win at Lose-Lose (No Win) Scenarios.
Consider that your back pain is your physical body screaming “I can’t” when you refuse to do it... That perhaps it is expressing a boundary that you refuse to acknowledge or assert. Back pain often suggests you have a limit you are not acknowledging. What can’t you do or can’t you say yes to? What is really a No for you? What is that personal truth you feel you can’t admit to or own or express because of fear of consequence for doing so? Or can’t admit to or express because you feel it doesn’t matter if you have a limit, you don’t get to have that limit? The reality is, a limit is not weakness. It is as unhealthy to ignore your limits as it is to never stretch them or invent ones that don’t exist. You can’t live a healthy life and bulldoze your actual limits.
People experiencing back pain are TENSE in their current life. People with chronic back pain are tense people personality wise. So it would benefit you to recognize the tense-ness of yourself, especially the why behind that tension. As well as to figure out and resolve the factors contributing to that tension. For example, if you find yourself in a crisis where suddenly there is a threat to something important in your life, you will become tense as a way of guarding yourself or buffering yourself against others. For another example, you might be a person who has a deep attachment to success. You put constant pressure on yourself to achieve and excel and work hard to accomplish everything by yourself so as to avoid feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. When you become aware of the tension in your life specifically, ask yourself: How could I let go of that tension? How could that tension be changed into ‘release”?
If you struggle with back pain, you have to take a look at control. Tension, which is the physiological root of back pain, occurs when we are trying to control something. And we tend to try to control situations to avoid a perceived consequence. What might happen if you had no ability to control the current situation in your life that is causing you stress? Are you telling yourself that you are lending help or support to other people, when in reality it is just disguised attempt to control them or the situation so as to avoid a consequence? Is there any way you could bring about what you want without resorting to control behaviors?
Back pain always happens when you are bulldozing yourself. You are doing something despite the fact that you don’t want to. And so often with back pain, this bulldozing is related to doing something for others (like serving or helping) that you don’t want to do… In other words, a burden. This back pain tends to increase when you perceive that serving or helping or the responsibility you are taking should not be “on you”, but it is. This leaves you carrying the weight of the world. To visualize this, imagine you are on a walk with 5 other people. Each has a back pack with critical supplies for the trip. But with an excuse, each person eventually decides to drop their backpacks. They ask you to carry the backpack for them. You don’t want to. But leaving their backpacks behind means consequences for you and for everyone else too. So, you put their backpacks on one by one… Until you buckle under the weight of the backpacks and the self-betrayal and the unfairness. The two most common frequencies I see in conjunction with back pain are obligation and resented responsibility. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Bulldozing (The Way to Ruin Your Relationship with Yourself). To resolve back pain, you’ve got to understand clearly why you are saying YES to burdens that are a NO for you and find another way to resolve the situation that is putting that burden on you, other than just taking on the burden.
If you were to sum up the energy of the back on a metaphysical level, it would be: Support. Anytime you experience back pain, you need to consider how unsupported you feel. Do you have support? Are you being enabled? Or are people in your life doing the opposite? Are you bending over backwards for other people? Are you afraid of or resistant to getting or accepting support? What support do you need?
A while back, I did a video titled: The Hidden Positive Intention, The Key To Letting go. I that video, I explained that often inherent in negative symptoms or behaviors, there is a positive intention for them to exist. Some people call this a secondary or back-door gain. If you are a person who feels burdened and unfairly responsible with no support, back pain can manifest as an ‘excuse’ to do things like have a boundary you don’t feel like you can have, get people “off your back” or to rest or make time for yourself (without feeling the usual guilt you feel for doing so) or to get out of obligations or to solicit support from people or to force people to take back the responsibilities they should have already been carrying in the first place. Take the time to see if you’re so afraid of directly confronting this “problem” in your life that is causing the back pain, that the back pain itself may in fact be a back-door solution. Resolve your fear about confronting and resolving the problem directly and with others instead.
Breathe into your back, especially the specific area where you feel pain. You can do this as a visualization. Breath is life force energy. It also carries oxygen. Both of which are desperately needed to release “stuck-ness” and restore movement to an area where tension or injury has occurred. Many experts on back pain believe that on a physiological level, back pain is caused by oxygen deprivation to the specific tissues effected due to a lack of blood flow to them. Many have even succeeded in linking that it is the mind and subsequent emotions that signal the biological reaction that creates this reduction in blood flow and oxygen. You may even want to consider oxygen treatment if it is available in your area.
Don’t stay in bed and don’t use a brace. This is the thing you may be tempted to do. But this can actually have the opposite effect. It can increase pain and stiffness and weakness as well as prolong recovery. Your back needs blood flow to heal and blood flow occurs with movement and muscle contraction and release, not staying still. You can begin with things like stretching and walking, gradually resuming normal activity in conjunction with the decrease in your pain. The fear of physical activity is common when it comes to back pain and you need to work with that fear instead of bulldoze it.
But as counterintuitive as it may sound, it may be beneficial for you to look into the theory that several experts have, which is that the solution to overcoming back pain is to do all of your normal activities and act as if nothing is abnormal at all so as to stop playing into the the psychological pain conversion pattern that is so often at the root of back pain. At the very least, I want you to imagine that today, you simply acted as if nothing was going on and resumed your normal activities and as a result, your pain went away entirely. What would you be afraid would or wouldn’t happen? For example, I asked one of my clients this question and to his surprise, he felt afraid and let down. His answer was, I’m afraid that if my back pain just goes away just like that right now, I will go right back to saying yes to financially supporting my ex- girlfriend and helping her whenever she asks and keep putting up with, instead of changing this dysfunctional dynamic we have going.
In order to introduce the experience of ‘support’ to your system, you can try physical treatments you feel called to. Things like relaxation techniques, magnet therapy, acupuncture, physical therapy, stretching, nerve stimulation, heat or cold therapy, physical manipulation or massage. Simply be aware that physical treatments do not resolve the underlying root of the problem and that many experts even go so far as to say that when no structural problem is present, physical treatments of any kind are either placebo or perpetuate the problem due to it feeding the psychological to physical pain conversion pattern.
Back pain may just be the physical ailment to lead people into the awareness of the mind-body connection. Part of developing that relationship is to trust your back. When we are faced with back pain, we begin to doubt in our own backs. We believe they are fragile, vulnerable and injury prone. Society for some reason has perpetuated this idea. This is not the case. Your back is being used constantly. It is in fact a very tough part of the body that is constantly in use in your day to day life and is perfectly capable of handling all of the activities that you are warned that it cannot handle. It is perfectly capable of imposing limits and setting boundaries and asserting your personal truth, when you cannot. By consciously integrating this rather rugged aspect of your being, you can live a life of integrity that is in-alignment with your personal truth, without back pain.
People ask me every day why other people in their life won’t change and why no matter what they do, they can’t change certain things. The answer is actually very simple. The answer is because there is resistance to the change. In other words, not all energies involved are a ‘yes’ to the change, some are a ‘no’ to the change. This is very hard to recognize when you are not conscious of the resistance. For example, let’s imagine that what you really, really want is to have a loving partner. You may not be conscious of parts of yourself that think having a loving partner would mean losing your sense of autonomy. And so you may consciously be doing everything to get a partner while in the background, the other parts of you are sabotaging every effort you make relative to finding a partner and are keeping you single on purpose.
Our failure to recognize and work with resistance that is present, is what really keeps us stuck in a pattern the way it is. To understand resistance, I want you to imagine a stream with a fast-moving current. In this current, there is a boat. This boat has 6 oarsmen in it, each of whom have a paddle. Some of the oarsmen are paddling downstream with the current. Some of them are paddling upstream, against the current. These oarsmen who are trying to paddle the boat upstream are in resistance. They are in resistance to the current itself. They are in resistance to the oarsmen who are also trying to paddle the boat downstream. Resistance is nothing more than opposition. It is any oppositional force.
We can meet with opposition from the outside and we can meet with opposition from the inside. Obviously resistance from the outside is external people, events and circumstances opposing you. But internal and external resistance go hand in hand. The resistance we encounter on the outside is a reflection of internal resistance that exists, usually internal resistance that we are unaware of. The main source of internal opposition, the source of our resistant thoughts, words and actions is the splits within our consciousness. The rule of thumb is this: If you have any resistance taking place within your being, you must directly deal with the resistance first before doing anything else. For more information about resistance and what to do about it, watch my video titled: Urgent! Deal With Your Resistance Before You Do Anything Else!
Change is something that people tend to resist. In fact, when most people are faced with change, they go through a cycle of denial, anger, confusion and sadness before accepting the change and most especially finding a new confidence within the change. There are multiple reasons why people resist change. I’m going to list some of these reasons for you.
Our sense of safety is all wound up in the way things are and the way that we are. Any change, destabilizes this sense of safety and security. It completely messes with our sense of control. For example, imagine that a strategy that we have found for staying safe in relation to other people is to be independent. If suddenly we find ourselves having to be dependent or having to let go of our independency in any way, we immediately feel unsafe. Or let’s say that whatever change we make, will make us different than other people. Suddenly, we feel we don’t belong and may be treated as an outcast, which would hurt us emotionally and threaten our closeness with others. Immediately we feel unsafe. The need for a routine, which is pretty much the opposite of change, falls into this category. Our routine is familiar and makes us feel secure. When we have to do something differently and our routine gets disturbed, we lose that sense of security. Perceiving ourselves to be unsafe or vulnerable, activates our primal centers for survival, which tell us: This change is to be avoided at all costs.
Change makes us lose our confidence. This goes hand in hand with our sense of safety, security and control. Because a change requires us to step into the new, we suddenly feel vulnerable and incompetent and out of control. Many changes make us feel like what we know and all the skills we have built up are suddenly obsolete. We also feel more at the mercy of others who are more competent in the new scenario than we are. In this way, change tends to make us feel bad about ourselves and most people want to avoid this feeling at all costs.
We don’t understand or misunderstand the need for the change. This is especially true if we were not consulted about the change, included in the decision to make the change or don’t see or feel that the change is in our best interests. If we do not get why a change is happening or why it is needed, we will fight hard for what we already do. Sometimes, a change seems like a bad change and therefore not something that we consciously chose, but something that was forced on us instead. When this is the case, we resist change the very most. It may be of interest to understand that most drastic change in fact arises from crisis for this reason. Because people have so much resistance to change, people usually won’t choose change, instead the forces that be in this universe often end up forcing it upon them. When this happens, the first thing we do is to refuse to accept that a change has been forced upon us. In fact, it is change that we are trying to prevent. All the ways we try to gain control over the situation are an attempt to get things to go back to normal. We become desperate to get things to go back to normal. It takes a while for the reality to sink in and to accept that the change is happening whether all of ourself consents to it or not.
Fear of what we project into the unknown. And insecurity relative to the new. Uncertainty puts the worrying mind into high gear. People don’t actually fear the unknown. They fear what they imagine the unknown could contain. Also, our confidence is rooted in what we do know. This is why the sayings “better known pain than unknown pleasure” or “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know” exists. What it means is that we tend to choose to stay in a situation and not make a change even if we know that not changing is painful. Most of us would rather do this than take the risk that by making a change, things could be better. We feel confident in our ability to handle the pain of what we already know. Many times, when faced with making a change, we don’t know if that change will be better or worse. We feel no confidence that it will be better and we have no confidence in our ability to handle it if it is worse. You can even see this fear in the fact that when we are threatened, we tend to want to be in a familiar environment, even if it is more dangerous because we feel less vulnerable in an environment that we know the most about.
We have emotional connection to what we think the change is threatening to make us lose. If we perceive any loss in conjunction with a change, we do not accept the change. This could be the loss of a person or a place or a thing. It could also be the loss of an idea or feeling or experience. For example, if a person gets so old that they are no longer allowed to drive, they may resist this change because it causes them to feel a loss of a sense of autonomy that they cherish.
Low levels of trust. This is especially the case when a change is invoked by someone or something else. We live in a world where people do not take each other as a part of themselves. As a result, many people really are out for themselves and their own best interests. This means they cannot be trusted because to trust is to rely upon someone to capitalize your best interests. To the degree that a person has grown up to expect this behavior and to the degree that they have been hurt by this, they will resist change that is imposed on them or asked of them by anyone else because of this lack of trust.
Also, growing up in an environment where people cannot be trusted causes a person’s own consciousness to fragment. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. Many of their own internal parts will be engaged in a zero-sum game and will mirror their external environment in terms of their strategies that destroy trust. So a person will also not trust themselves. Not trusting yourself also makes you resistant to change because you’re not sure if you can trust the part of you that is on board with that change.
We don’t clearly see the reward and benefit of the change. If we did see the rewards, we would have most likely made the change already. If we don’t see the reward or benefit of a change, we don’t feel like we chose the change, we feel it is forced upon us. This makes us feel totally out of control. This also makes recognizing the benefit or reward of the change almost impossible to see. Instead, it feels like the change is against us. It is not what we want and we feel it is the opposite of our best interests. No one is going to get on board with a change that they feel will leave them worse off. In the same vein, if the rewards for making change do not justify the difficulty of making a change, we will resist the change.
Even the least conscious people can feel the reality of ripple effects. We avoid a change because we don’t want that change to effect other areas of our life. We live an existence that is highly, highly interdependent. One change can lead to many, many other changes. It can bring about a whole new set of problems along with possibilities. Most of us intuitively sense that our lives are a game of dominoes. We have some of those dominoes that we are ok with watching fall and others that we are not ok with watching fall. Imagine making a change, pushing one domino over, and watching a whole chain of them go down, including ones you didn’t want to have fall. For example, a woman might avoid leaving her husband because she knows that doing so would force her to have to get a job and doing that would mean that she would have to put her kids in daycare and doing that may make them feel negatively towards her. We are especially afraid of making a change if we can feel the potential of a change to affect many areas of life, but don’t have clear vision of exactly how or in what ways. For more information about this, watch my video titled: The Catch-Up Effect, Why We Really Fear Change.
A critical thing to understand about the resistance to change is that it doesn’t come from a bad place. Other people and parts of yourself resist change when they think that the change is going to lead them to pain instead of pleasure. Their perception may be wrong, but they genuinely believe that they are acting in alignment with best interests in saying NO to the change. For example, a person who is anti-abortion, genuinely believes they are preventing murder and preserving life. To them, anyone who wants to change an abortion law so that it is legal, is literally voting to legalize murder. A part of you that does not want to lose weight may believe that if it loses weight, it will no longer be able to buffer you from the world and stay safe by staying hidden and invisible. To this part, any part of you that wants to lose weight, is literally trying to blindly walk you into an interpersonal battlefield without any armor. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: There Is No Such Thing as Self Sabotage.
If we feel a change will bring about something that is positive, needed and wanted and will not cause us to lose anything that we can’t afford to lose, we feel it is safe. We will then willingly accept any discomfort that comes with change. There will either be no resistance to the change or the resistance will be so minimal that the change will not be a hard no. There is a big difference vibrationally between “I’m scared and it’s a NO for me” and “it’s a YES for me but I’m scared!” This means, if a change isn’t happening, you have to work with instead of against the resistance to the change. You must do this with an open mind that is not already fixed on the idea that the change must happen no matter what. You have to work to resolve the resistance. And you must do that with both understanding and compassion. Hopefully, now that you know the main reasons that people resist change, that will be easier to do.
I have to say that for me to decide to write an article on kindness, things have to be really, really bad in the world. Plenty of spiritual leaders have talked about kindness. It is already a social value. It is that trite, Pollyanna, sunshine, gumdrops and roses concept they teach us in kindergarten. It’s a roll your eyes concept that we all think we get by now. But the thing is, we don’t get it.
Though this article is valid in the current human society no matter what is happening, I am writing this as a pandemic crisis, anti-racism/police brutality protests and rioting as well as a recession are what currently defines human society. The shadow of human society today can be summed up in one word: Hostile. And we are suffering from it greatly. And it just so happens that the antidote is: Kindness.
By the time that most people in the world reach adulthood, they have become acclimatized and desensitized to the hostility and harshness of the world and human society. Everyone falls somewhere on the scale of personal experience with the harshness and hostility in the world. They have adapted to it. You may not remember that adaptation process, but it was an incredibly painful process for you. And that adaptation process was full to the brim with things like shame, aloneness, disappointment, disillusionment, the acceptance of the reality of many painful truths and the reality of unsafety, the development of distrust and fragmenting internally as a coping mechanism.
But the saddest part in all of this process is that you split as a result of it. You buried your vulnerability. You underwent a process of hardening. Many of you became harsh and hostile in certain ways so as to exist in a harsh and hostile world. But by doing so, you became part of the problem and made the world even more harsh. If you haven’t done so already, I want you to watch my video titled Fragmentation, the Worldwide Disease. In that video, I explain this process of splitting so as to hide vulnerable parts of your consciousness, while pushing protector parts of your consciousness to the surface. You hide the vulnerable parts of you that need and so desperately crave kindness. You present whatever parts of yourself to the world that kept you the safest. When the priority is personal safety, it becomes a very inauthentic, narcissistic world. It becomes a world in which everyone is doing things for their own best interests. It becomes a society of strategy and zero-sum games.
Any time someone feels threatened, the sensations that occur within their body trigger their protector aspects to come to the forefront. So what you are seeing in the spike of hostility in the world today is that everyone’s protector aspects are interacting with one another. Think of the typical archetypes of people that have a specific strategy for staying safe. I’ll give you a few examples: A war general who goes to war with others, a manager that starts to boss everyone around and control everyone, a person who plays a victim so that others protect them, a cynic who prevents themselves from disappointment by filling the world with negativity, a loner who withdraws from everyone to be nowhere near the threat. Now imagine that when people are threatened, they change into any one of these archetypes. What we have in a time of unsafety is a world full of war generals and managers and cynics and avoidants. This is a problem because each one perceives themselves to be being made unsafe by others, not the one making others unsafe. They are in defense mode. But defense mode is perceived as offense to others. So it becomes a vicious cycle.
Kindness is what people need in order to break free from that vicious cycle and to be able to allow their vulnerability to surface again. Therefore, we must make a practice of kindness and be the first to act kind, and not ask the world to be kind to us first. If we don’t do this, it will be a game of “you lay your shield down first… No you lay yours down first!” To help with this, I’m going to give you a list of things you can do to enhance your new practice of kindness.
Work with the parts of yourself that do not want to be kind or are only kind as a narcissistic strategy for the sake of personal best interests. In other words, work with your own protector parts that have developed ways of staying safe that enhance the harshness, coldness, separation, rigid thinking, violence, narcissism, stinginess, indifference and unfriendliness in the world. But work with them, with kindness. Kindness does not make you weak, vulnerable, permissive, stupid or naïve. But many of your parts do not know this. To understand this and also how to do this, I want you to watch two of my videos, Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How To Do It) and There is No Such Thing as Self Sabotage.
Start with yourself. It makes no sense in a mirror construct (which is what this time space reality is) to be unkind to you and kind to them. How could you be more gentle, soft, understanding, warm, compassionate, affectionate, friendly, generous and considerate with yourself? One way to figure out the answer is to think about ways to be kind to others and then do those things for yourself. Some examples are: Understand yourself instead of deprecate yourself. Help yourself or get help instead of shame yourself for needing help. Engage in activities that nourish you and make you feel soothed. Do things that bring you joy. Make sure parts of you are in alignment before taking an action rather than bulldozing yourself, take care of yourself and your needs. Remind yourself of your excellent qualities, treat every day like a fresh beginning etc.
It is easy to love and let your guard down around vulnerable things. It is harder around things that feel dangerous, threatening or hostile. This is why to take your enemy as a part of yourself is one of the hardest things to do. But, one trick you can use before mastering the art of doing that is to look past the protector part of people to see the vulnerable part that it is hiding. For example, if someone is avoiding contact with you and is not looking you in the eye and does not respond to you when you say hi, try to see the part of them that is terrified of people (including you) and is hiding in a corner not knowing what else to do other than isolate. If someone is screaming and angry at someone else, see the powerless, desperate part of them that is smashing against a door that will not open. When you are out in the world, make a practice of looking for that hidden part and living according to the question “what is the most effective and loving way to respond to that part of them instead”?
Commit to doing whatever it takes to understand people. We spend an inordinate amount of time in relationships trying to figure out how to make the other person happy. We want to love them in a way that they can really feel that love, but we don’t know how. To really love someone in a way where they will feel loved, you must understand that thing. I am going to go even further and say that you should stop trying to love them and start trying to understand them instead. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Stop Trying to Love Them and Start Trying to Understand them. When you do this, the answers to what they really need and want and what they would be disarmed by will surface and it is easy then to know how to interact with someone. Also, as a general rule, whatever you understand, you are less afraid of and therefore able to be more kind to. There is a reason that shark experts have no problem being kind to sharks.
Give to give, not to receive. Pure kindness is not dependent on an audience or on a return. It is true that if you take someone as a part of yourself, their happiness will be felt as your own. But we can be transactional about kindness and this makes it not kindness, but instead a way of manipulating to get our own needs met. For this reason, it may benefit you to watch my video titled: Cut the Invisible Strings. Find a way to compassionately and directly meet the needs of any part of you that may be trying to get its needs met indirectly this way.
In your day to day life, create and/or look for opportunities for kindness and take them. When you’re at the check-out counter, compliment or strike up conversation with the store clerk. Let someone pass in-front of you. Smile at people. Look to find a meeting of minds in a conflict, help someone out, offer a hug or embrace, lift them up with something you say or do, do a deed without taking a picture of yourself doing it or bragging about it, listen to people and ask questions with the energy of wanting to understand them, make a child feel seen by you, pick up litter you didn’t throw, make a donation etc. There are lists upon lists of random acts of kindness you can look at. Look for those opportunities and ways to be perceived as safe and friendly to others. When an opportunity presents itself, be gentle, soft, affectionate, understanding, warm, compassionate, friendly, generous and considerate with them. A good question to ask yourself is: How can I make myself safe for them?
There is a time and place for all energies within this universe, even the ones we might label unkind. For example, some people think brutal honesty is unkind. But there is incredible value in brutal honesty in the right situation. People think competition is unkind, but there is incredible value in competition in the right situation. The reality is our own protector parts cause us to misread the appropriateness of situations in which those energies that human society would label as unkind are in fact in-alignment or are in fact out of alignment. They cause is to act only in our own best interests instead of to find a win-win. But when kindness is our practice, we don’t banish or get rid of those energies within ourselves that we or others might deem to be unkind. We simply practice strengthening and developing the opposite energies. We practice really taking the best interests of others as a part of our own best interests and then act kind accordingly.
Mentally, kindness flood people. To do this, close your eyes or simply bring to mind someone or something that you feel the most overwhelmingly compassionate and loving and kind towards. Maybe it’s your cat or your son or daughter or starving children or your best friend or trees being deforested. Feel this sensation of overwhelming compassion and love and kindness inside your own being and mentally increase it so it floods you. You can imagine it having a color and texture and sound. Now when it is amplified to the degree that you are bursting at the seams from that energy, mentally see or sense yourself sending that energy towards the other person. Maybe that is towards other people you are passing in a store or on the street. Maybe it is towards your spouse or friend or child. And eventually, do this mentally towards a person or situation that you are struggling with. Continue holding and sending this kindness energy into the person or situation so as to flood them with it for as long as feels good to you personally. You can even do this with the whole world. Once you have finished, notice how you feel differently towards the other person or the situation. Stay open to any insight the exercise may give you about the situation.
Appreciation scan. Our minds scan the world for things that we don’t like, things that pose a threat and are unsafe. We are more likely to walk around noticing the differences between us and others as well as the things we dislike about them. When we practice kindness, in order to get into the energy of kindness, we can do the opposite. Play a game with yourself where you scan the world, the place you are in and every person you encounter for what you appreciate about them. What is excellent about them? What do you like about them? What is good about them? What is the same about you and them? Notice how this exercise makes you feel and act and how it makes others respond to you.
I am going to close this article with a thought I want you to consider. When we are not being kind, it is because we are wanting to survive. So many people are thinking things and saying things and acting in ways that they think will ‘keep them safe’ but in doing so, are creating a world that is not worth living in. You could live in a padded room. But is that really thriving? Is it really living? There comes a point where we must realize that to really live, means risk. If our protector aspects of consciousness are the ones making all the decisions and dictating our actions towards others, we will make a society that is even more unconducive to human health and wellbeing than the one we currently live in. So think and speak and act the way you want the world to be. There is no greater sense of reason than this.
A being cannot thrive in a hostile environment. A person cannot thrive in a hostile situation. The more aggressively we try to protect ourselves, the more hostile this world becomes. For us to create a world that we and that future generations can thrive in, we must care more about kindness than about personal safety. Ironically that is also the only way we can all become safe.
Kindness is something that is innate to every person. Being kind releases a cocktail of feel-good chemicals in our body. But that kindness potential must be developed as an interpersonal skill. It is a skill that requires serious strength and courage. This is the real meaning in the saying “forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it”. It does not mean have no boundaries and let yourself be stepped on. It does not mean don’t feel wronged if someone hurts you. It doesn’t mean kiss the foot that kicks you. It means be brave enough to meet hostile energy with the opposite energy. It means use your free will to choose what you offer to the world independent of what the world offers to you. If you can do this, if enough people can do this, it will be a changed world. It is going to be a hard thing to do… to be the kindness you wish to see in the world when you are being met with the opposite energy. But you are capable of it. It is time for each and every one of us to practice radical kindness and to lead this practice by example. Kindness is after all, the invisible cornerstone of human happiness. And remember that no act of kindness is too big, or too small.
One of the principal elements of awareness is thought, especially new thought… concepts. But relative to concepts, people have a tendency that is really dangerous… They ‘get them’ without ‘owning them’.
It is one thing to grasp a concept and another to say that a concept is your truth. For example, I may do a video in which I present the truth that ‘there is no such thing as self-sabotage’. People will listen to the concept and grasp the idea in and of itself. But not stop to find out if it is true for them yet. They don’t consciously figure out how it applies to themselves. They don’t stop to try it on for size and become aware of where and why it does or doesn’t fit for them specifically. Instead, they either reject the concept entirely, forfeiting the opportunity to really question and potentially shift their current truth. Or they accept the concept as the truth, even though parts of themselves don’t agree and so they bulldoze forward even when those parts aren’t on board and don’t actually agree. The first is a recipe for ignorance. The second is a recipe for the loss of selfhood in the realm of personal truth.
To really see this in practice, look no further than super religious households. When most children are born into a religious community, the adults in that community do not usually care if the concepts that are part of their religion align with the child’s personal truth or can be owned by the child. They are not open to any concept that contradicts their current concepts. They only care that the child swallows these concepts and accepts them as true whether they feel it or not. The child learns there are rewards for doing so and consequences for not doing so. When they reach an age where parts of them resist those concepts, that resistance is not directly worked with. It is shamed. So the child learns to let go of personal truth and instead parrots the adult. No aware adult should enjoy it when a child does this. It is critical that a child is able to find his or her truth and if you want what is best for your child, that should be far more important than feeling in confluence with and validated by your child.
Let’s look at both approaches a bit more in depth…
People who simply deny a concept and say it is not the truth straight out of the gate simply because parts of themselves are resisting it, tend to do this most when they perceive that a concept is going to threaten them in some way. For example, a co-dependent is someone who has high levels of shame and therefore is addicted to the feeling of being perceived as a ‘good guy’. When a co-dependent is presented with the idea that co-dependency is covert narcissism, they may immediately, defensively deny it. But in denying it, they will never become truly conscious of the manipulative strategies they have developed in order to get their needs met and will stay trapped in dysfunctional relationship behaviors. Or for example, a person says they were abused by someone else in the family. This contradicts the experience that other family members had with this accused person and threatens to disrupt their sense of a safe reality and concept that the family is ‘the best’ so, they immediately reject the validity of the claim. I don’t need to teach you a lot about this response to concepts or how damaging it can be to yourself and others, because most people really do ‘get’ this one and it is their truth that it isn’t a good response to have to concepts.
People who simply accept a concept as the truth, despite parts of themselves resisting its validity, tend to do this the most when they perceive the person giving them that concept to be superior. Such as more intelligent or excellent in whatever field that truth is coming from. For example, if they see a spiritual teacher as more aware than they are, they will take a spiritual concept and simply accept it as true, without trying it on for size so that concept becomes their truth.
People who do this, tend to keep telling themselves “One day I believe I will understand and embody this,” in essence, creating an ideal that they must grow into that truth because they believe it’s the right thing that a super aligned and integrated human must eventually embody. So, until they do, they see themselves as being in a state of imperfection and aim towards it someday being true for them too. People who do this believe a truth that is given to them by someone they see as superior has to be right for them, regardless of any other part of them protesting. They also tend to feel there is going to be a consequence or reward waiting for them as a result of either succumbing to or not succumbing to the concept they are presented with. In fact, right now, you see a lot of people doing this relative to the Covid-19 safety measures debate. Many people are simply going along with masks and social distancing because someone else said so. Or they feel so much fear and shame to “go against” the concept that masks and social distancing are necessary because people will think they’re an idiot or bad if they don’t just accept that concept as true.
But people who do this end up feeling controlled. They are playing a zero-sum game with themselves internally by suppressing resistant parts and so, they begin to feel unsafe and tend to deflect that unsafety onto the person who presented the concept to begin with.
Also, when things go wrong because of whatever concept they swallowed, instead of taking responsibility, they blame whoever gave them that concept in the first place for ruining their life. This pattern is rampant in spiritual and self-growth circles, especially when someone follows a specific guru. For example, if a psychologist or a spiritual teacher tells you that you’re in an abusive relationship, and you swallow it as true, even though you don’t really see, feel, hear and understand it to the degree that is is your truth that you are in an abusive relationship, you may end the relationship because you “should”. Later, when you miss having a partner and regret it, you will them blame the psychologist or spiritual teacher for causing the break up. To own a truth as your truth, is to take that truth from someone and to make it your own; so that any decisions you make based off of that truth, are your own responsibility. There is a personal solidness and a personal strength to it.
The pattern of accepting a concept as the truth, despite parts of yourself resisting its validity, tends to be a behavior in those who rely on a social strategy of confluence for safety. To comprehend confluence, imagine two streams flowing together, so they are merged as one and in harmony. Confluence feels good to people, however a person who relies on confluence for social safety, does not have a grasp of personal boundaries. For more information about boundaries, watch my video titled: Personal Boundaries Vs. Oneness (How to Create Healthy Boundaries). They are so afraid of any threat to their sense of togetherness and sameness, that they deny any truth that might put them in that position and won’t work with (so as to resolve) any resistance that might indicate opposition, difference or conflict. They tend to be children who coped through conformity with their parents and abandoned their self-hood to do so.
Neither denying a concept straight out of the gate nor accepting it straight out of the gate is healthy. Denying a concept and calling it wrong and false simply because parts of you say ‘it doesn’t resonate’ or isn’t true for you’, makes you stuck and makes you unaware. For more information about this, watch my video titled: The problem with “what resonates” with you. And guess what? Some people do see things you don’t see and are more excellent in a field than you are and are smarter and do know more. To not respect their knowledge enough to really ask “how might this be true” and try it on for size, is superbly unaware. That being said, you should not simply accept what’s supposed to be right and true as right and true. You need to check in with yourself and work with the resistance you have to a concept in order to own it as a truth or not for you personally first. This is the process of trying on a concept for size in order to decide whether or not to own that concept as part of your personal truth. This is what having an open mind is all about. It isn’t having no mind. It is having a mind that is open to change and to the adoption of new truths.
A while ago, I did a video on resistance. If you want to take a look at it, the title is: Urgent! Deal With Your Resistance Before You Do Anything Else. In that video, I explained that resistance is nothing more than opposition. It is any oppositional force. What we do when we feel this opposition either internally or externally is that we either completely go along with our resistance or try to push through it. When we try to push thought it, we ignore it. We do not deal with the resistance directly. Because of this, we actually enhance the resistance because we are in fact resisting our resistance. The rule of thumb is this: If you have any resistance taking place within your being, you must directly deal with the resistance first before doing anything else. No action should be taken from a place of resistance. When you feel yourself putting the breaks on or when you feel yourself not being able to feel fully on board with something, you need to seek and find and understand and resolve your resistance. You have to be honest enough with yourself to admit to it, regardless of whether you feel shame or not.
So here is a concept to try on: Whenever someone presents a concept, you need to take the actual time to sit down with yourself and see if you can own it as true for you or not, before moving forward. It doesn’t work to hope that it is possible to one day succumb to truths that you are presented with by people who are more excellent than you are. For example, if you were to start to learn tennis, just because your tennis instructor is excellent and knows way more than you doesn’t mean that when he teaches you something that you get conceptually, that you need to just do as he says and accept what he says, even if you don’t really ‘get it’. In fact, you should stop and take the time to really get it, so you can own what he is trying to teach you and have you do… So you can make it yours. This way, you can proceed in a state of alignment instead of in a state of resistance. You can’t actually accept or succumb to a truth that you can’t own as your truth. When you try to, you don’t feel good. You feel out of alignment with yourself and whoever is presenting that truth.
It is not fun to try to convey a concept to someone who is simply fully giving into their resistance. But I can tell you that if your intention is to accept assistance in working directly with your own resistance to a concept that is presented, most people will have incredible patience for that process. People who expect you to simply accept what they are telling you, no matter how it lands with you can be very dangerous people.
Another reason that you need to really try concepts on for size rather than to simply accept them, is because you are disowning your own personal truth. When people say “he or she is brainwashed” it is usually because they feel that someone has not owned something as their personal truth and is instead simply repeating someone else’s concepts and ‘saying’ that it is their own, despite internal resistance that everyone else can clearly feel.
Own your free will. You have a self, and thus you have the intrinsic capacity and right to decide what’s really true for you. You are not meant to succumb to concepts or truths. You are meant to try them on so as to decide whether to own them. A truly wise person wants to try on new concepts and really, really work with their own resistance to them so as to arrive at a stronger sense of truth, which they can then own. A truly wise person will not accept a new concept unless they can really own that concept as part of their own truth. And this acts as a safety net.
It is a safety net to commit to not moving forward until you can own a truth as your own. It is to own your power instead of to give it away. It makes it so you are no longer vulnerable to ignorance, nor individuals who would love to have you accept a truth, no matter how it lands with you, so they can manipulate you in their favor, such as cults. If you say, “Teal Swan says” or “Eckhart Tolle says’ or “Jesus says” “Justin Bieber says” or “Donald Trump says”, you are presenting their truth instead of your truth. What people really care about and what you should really care about is: what is your truth and why.
Ask yourself, is it my truth or is it their truth? You should not care whether you ‘get’ a concept. You should care instead whether you ‘get’ that it is true. In other words, what is important isn’t that you ‘get it’ it’s that you ‘own it’. And you should not move forward emotionally, mentally or physically until you arrive at a concept that you can really own and take responsibility for; because in really seeing, feeling, hearing, recognizing and understanding it, you can say that it is your truth. When you try on a concept and work with it (as well as your resistance to it) you arrive at stronger and higher truth. This is what all great philosophers understand. If two people are genuinely interested in arriving at truth and one presents the other with a conflicting idea, either one lets go of their concept and owns the other, or a higher truth evolves out of objectively looking at both concepts. I expect you to open your mind to really try the concepts that I present on and to look deeply into resolving any resistance you have to them. I do not want you to accept what I am saying to you, if it isn’t your truth and if you cannot own it. After all, you can’t actually apply something to you, if you don’t recognize something as your truth!
People have a great many misconceptions about love. Because of this, we often think that we are being loving, when we are in fact not being loving. For example, parents may think that by controlling their child’s life in the direction that they think would be best for the child, that they are being loving. Actually, they are not taking the child’s own personal truth as a part of themselves and as such, they are practicing the opposite of love. But today, we’re going to talk about perhaps the biggest misconception about love and that is that love is approval. This concept sounds simple, but is a whole book in and of itself. But today, I’m going to give you an overview.
To love something is to take it as a part of yourself. Love is inclusive. It is the energetic movement towards oneness. When you love something, you energetically pull it towards you and include it as you. For a more in-depth understanding about this, you can watch my video titled: What is Love. When you truly take something as a part of yourself, you take their best interests in as a part of your own best interests. Now, their pain is a part of your pain and their joy is a part of your joy.
When we experience chronic disapproval and criticism in our childhood, to the degree where we feel rejected by one or both of our parents (and/or our siblings and/or our peers), we begin to develop trauma around the feeling of disapproval and critique. This experience feels like the opposite of being wanted and accepted and received. It feels like being pushed away instead of being pulled in. It feels like we are being disrespected. We sink into shame. And so, we begin to develop the idea that if someone loves us, they will approve of everything about us, including what we do. Also, since we can’t get actual love, we go for the next best thing: Approval.
To approve of something is to have a positive opinion about that thing. This naturally leads to an allowance of, acceptance of or agreement to that thing. Essentially, it means no objections. At face value, this sounds like a loving thing to do. It sounds like nonresistance. And it can be nonresistance in certain scenarios. But not in all scenarios. Remember how I said that when we are actually practicing love, we take their best interests in as a part of our own best interests… That now, their pain is a part of your pain and their joy is a part of your joy? Can you now approve of things that cause them pain and that are not in their best interests? The reality is, you can approve or disapprove of something without loving something and you can approve or disapprove of something because you love something. Approval and love are two different things. They can exist together or separate.
Let me put some situations before you where approval is not loving:
Someone decides to shoot up with heroin. In the name of acceptance and approval, you prep their needle for them. This one is pretty self-explanatory.
A woman you know has a belief that is making it impossible for her to change her relationship patterns, such as “the men who are attracted to me, are insane”. You can clearly see that the reason she can’t find relationships that work is because she is attracted to unstable men, that remind her of her father. You can see she is still trying to get love from him vicariously. But in the name of approving of her and therefore validating her thoughts, you validate that belief for her and agree with it. As a result, she continues to make it more and more about the men in her life, and ends up a spinster, despite really wanting a relationship.
A man has the goal of publishing his novel. An editor does not want the author to feel bad and so, he or she never gives the feedback that he used the wrong word somewhere and that he wrote a run-on sentence and that a section should be deleted because it slows the story down etc. By not doing so, the editor sets the author up to fail as a writer.
A sous chef works in an upscale restaurant. He aspires to be an executive chef one day. He prepares the bechamel sauce in a way that it becomes lumpy. When the executive chef samples it, not wanting to make the sous chef feel criticized, he says, “good job, I like the color of it.”
There is a fork in the road, left and right. You know that the road heading left leads to a sheer drop off because there was a landslide. The road leading right will lead a person to town. A person wanting to get to town comes by and wants to go left. You tell them not to. You don’t approve of their decision. They distrust your motives. So they yell at you that you are so controlling and critical because you don’t approve of their own choices and because it’s totally wrong for you to think that you know what is best for them. So you say, you’re right… I should stop thinking that I know what is best for people… and trust that you know what is best for you and agree to them going left.
A friend of yours is getting married, she wants a loving, exclusive, committed marriage more than anything in the world. You walk in on her fiance’ having sex with another woman. But you do not object to her marrying that man.
Someone is beating their kid. You can see that they need to be unconditionally loved and you think part of that is approval, so you don’t do anything to object to the beatings. As a result, the kid keeps getting beaten and the person ends up in jail.
Your spouse wants to have an open relationship. You agree, despite the fact that it is the opposite of what you want, because they say they can’t handle being judged negatively for their desires and needs anymore. They need your approval of their true needs… even if it is to your detriment.
We could consider these examples, the shadow form of approval… Holding a positive opinion that leads to an allowance of, acceptance of or agreement with what does not benefit someone. This is resistance in fact. It is resistance to including something as part of yourself to the degree that you align with the wellbeing of that thing. Or resistance to aligning with your desires/wellbeing.
If you are someone who equates approval with love, you can very easily find your way into validation-based relationships, where ‘everything is approved of and agreed to’ whether it is actually in the best interests of either person or not. For you, respect from others and self-esteem means approval. Instead of healthy, this becomes a dysfunctional relationship based on negative enabling. It becomes a relationship where either one or both people are out of alignment with their actual desires and actual best interests. Essentially, the motto in the relationships you feel good in is “Let me be free to do whatever I want and approve of everything I think, say and do and I’ll do the same for you!”. Whenever you experience disapproval, you feel as if it is an expectation and obligation to stop being and doing whatever is being disapproved of and this feels like losing yourself and being conditionally loved. When someone is approving of you unconditionally, it is the only time you are not trying to shape yourself to conform to what someone else wants you to be. You feel free! When someone expresses disapproval, you take it as an expressed expectation that you change yourself into something else for their best interest. So you start to feel controlled and resentful.
When love becomes approval for you mentally, you run around trying to do everything right and good by everyone else’s estimations and when you can’t get that to happen in a way that feels good, you look for people who will make you feel right and good no matter what you think, say and do.
As a child, you felt so controlled that love feels like the opposite of control. And since disapproval feels like a tool of control, you are looking for the opposite of that. You are looking for a relationship with no consequences and no pressure. That is also a form of resistance.
Subconsciously what is going on is that if you simply approve of others, you don’t have to take responsibility for other people’s poor decisions and actions. In fact, you will not criticize unless you perceive that what something a person is thinking, saying or doing, will affect your life directly. It’s a “feel free to ruin your own life’ attitude. And if you simply get approval no matter what you do or don’t do, you don’t have to carry the responsibility of molding yourself into something that would make someone else happy and therefore carrying the responsibility for someone else’s wellbeing.
It is ironic, but people who have a desperate need for approval, secretly want zero responsibility for the wellbeing of others… You don’t want the pressure of having to mold yourself for their wellbeing and you don’t want the responsibility (also pressure) of making sure they make the right choices for their wellbeing. Your whole life has been carrying other people’s wellbeing and carrying it for people who took no responsibility for the way they felt and so, you are done and utterly exhausted with it. You don’t want to take responsibility for someone else feeling good at all. You want connection when it feels good to you, without having to have the pressure that comes with a ‘relationship’. But this feels selfish and you’ve been so socialized to see this truth as bad, that your shame keeps you from admitting it to yourself and others. You’d rather be alone or around people who unconditionally approve of you whenever it feels good to you to be around them. Which is why this form of approval you are looking for is in fact a ‘push away’. It is distancing by its very nature. Because you couldn’t get love, you could only get the next best thing (approval) you are longing for a relationship where unlike your childhood, approval is unconditional. You have suffered the wound of the loss of self/conformity. As a side note, many of the people who relate to this relationship with approval, were the golden child in a family system.
There is a difference between people who want approval and need approval. To people who want approval, approval feels like a closeness/intimacy and you want that closeness and intimacy. Maybe you’ve been pushed away in your childhood. So getting approval finally feels like not having opposition and finally being seen, felt, heard and understood. Approval feels like the opposite of a push away. It feels like people aren’t resisting you anymore. It seems like something that was reserved for ‘other people’ and not yourself. Approval feels good, it is natural to want, but do not confuse it with love. As a side note, many people who really want approval for this reason were scapegoats in the family system.
The immediate and biggest issue that you are going to have with the whole concept of disapproval being something that can be loving is this: When someone else disapproves in a loving way, it implies that someone else thinks they have an accurate assessment of what is actually good and right and in the best interests of themselves or someone else (maybe you). So I’m going to ask you the question. Do you believe that someone else can know what is good and right and therefore best for you? If your answer is no, why? If your answer is yes, why? And if your answer is “in certain circumstances”, how do you accurately determine when and when not?
‘Best interests’ is a philosophical debate in and of itself, for example you may see that a person getting into a car to drive drunk is not in the best interests of their safety or anyone else’s safety. But is safety in their best interests? Maybe getting in that car crash is what causes them to get sober and clear about what they want in life and change course and find the existence here on earth that makes their life worth living. But imagine that a person’s ‘objection’ in the form of disapproval is the universe’s first reflection to them of something that must change. Something is ‘out of alignment’ within them. Imagine that if they did change in order to find alignment in response to that first reflection, the universe would not have to escalate things and they would still line up with getting sober and clear about what they want in life and change course and find the existence here on earth that makes their life worth living without needing a car crash to get them to do that.
Taking your hand off of the steering wheel of creation by saying “I don’t ultimately know what’s best for me or for anyone”, is simply a cop out. In that same vein, some people love to take the ‘can be empowering’ saying “no one can know what is best for you, but you”. And believe that this is absolute truth. It isn’t. It is true in a given scenario that maybe other people do know what’s best for you more than you do. It is also true in a given scenario that maybe other people don’t know what’s best for you better than you do. Their capacity to accurately see this depends on their capacity for awareness (ability to see objective truth) and their capacity to take you as a part of themselves.
People who can’t do either of these things, tend to project and tend to have agendas. Instead of fully, objectively understanding a situation, they will project their subjective perspective, as well as their own best interests, over a situation and over your best interests. Their disapproval is resistant in nature. And chances are extremely high that this was the case with your parents, which is why you have trauma around the idea of someone knowing better than you do, what is and isn’t in your best interests. Which is why you are distrustful of feedback. So, here is the next question to ask yourself: How do you know whether someone is actually taking your best interests as a part of their own? How do you know whether they are or aren’t projecting? How do you know what their actual agenda is? How do you know when you can trust someone?
If you are on the receiving end of disapproval, ask yourself WHY a person is telling you what they are telling you. Why are they giving you a negative reflection? Why do they disapprove of something? Why is their objection in the form of a disapproval unloving, and why might it loving? Ask them directly too. Because you are not immune to lack of awareness and projection either. You might just be wrong about the WHY. And they should be able to tell you why they think something benefits you.
If you are on the giving end of disapproval, make the effort to first understand the other person’s perspective fully and to become as aware as possible of the situation as objectively as possible and communicate this understanding. Listen to what a person really wants and really needs as well as why they think something is in their best interests. Projection is not love. Include them in your process of coming to the conclusion that something is not benefitting them and your process of coming to the conclusion of what would benefit them and why.
What if when someone is disapproving of something, they are not objecting to you but instead are objecting to something that they think could be detrimental to you? If you’re honest, you want others to approve of something that benefits you and to disapprove of something that hurts you. And in fact, if they are doing that, their disapproval is a way of pulling you closer. In doing so, they are aligning with your best interests and desires. If someone really loves you, they should object to things that cause you pain and are not in your best interests. Are they always right when they think that something is going to cause you pain and is not in your best interests? No. Are there people who literally only think of their best interests? Yes. But is what you really want for people to approve of things that cause you pain and are also not in your best interests?
If you are looking out for someone’s best interests, you can’t be in a space of approval 24-7. This means you can’t be loving and be approving of everything. What you can do is to be in a space of understanding all the time. What you can do is to practice awareness and practice taking others as a part of yourself.
You can disapprove of something and by doing so, be with and for them instead of against them. And therefore, in alignment. You just have to be very, very sure that you are actually right about what is actually in their best interests, what will actually hurt or benefit them and what is actually wrong for them. Awareness must go hand in hand with love in order for it to truly be love and in order for your behaviors to be truly loving. And part of that awareness is to see that approval and love are two very different things.
Anger is an emotional response. It is probably the most vilified emotional response on the planet. Because it has been so vilified, people are desperate to know what to do about their anger and they are especially desperate to know how to not be angry anymore. The good news is that there is a hack you can use with anger and once you use it, you will no longer feel powerless to your anger itself.
Before I give you this hack, I will say that if you want to understand anger in depth, you can watch my video titled: How To Deal With Anger. I want you to remember the following statement. I want you to engrain it into your mind. Anger is about unworkability. If you feel anger, it means that you perceive something to be unworkable. When something is unworkable, it implies that you are powerless to it staying the way it is. And if there is anger present, you really need that particular something to change or else it is a “lifetime sentence of pain”. So think of it like this, if you perceive something to be causing you pain or threatening to cause you pain on an emotional, mental or physical level, you need to change the situation so you can feel good again. If you believed that could happen and knew how to do it, you would feel empowered and so, you wouldn’t get angry. But if you perceive whatever is causing you that pain or posing that threat to be unworkable, you feel immediately powerless.
I’ll give you some examples of how the perception of unworkability is what anger is about. A woman gets angry because her husband’s socks are on the floor, which is a chronic pattern of his, despite the fact that she has asked him not to do it. What really hurts her about it is that it makes her feel like he does not care about her. Maybe what she feels is unworkable is ‘getting her husband to consider her’. A working mother gets angry because she feels judged both ways, other mothers judge her for working when she has a child to prioritize and colleagues judge her for having a child when her priority should be work. What really hurts her about the situation is that it makes her feel like she’s never good enough. She’s afraid that her child will see her this way when he or she grows up. Maybe what she feels is unworkable is other peoples’ extreme and impossible standards… Her inability to change anyone’s mind about what she should do. A man gets angry at a friend of his when his friend gets into a specific college and he does not. What hurts him about the situation is that he feels inferior to his friend. It feels unfair that his friend had more support for getting in than he did and so, the odds were stacked for his friend and against him. Maybe what he feels is unworkable is getting support.
Your anger then comes in to try to rescue you from that powerlessness. In this way, your anger is a protector. It exists as a last-ditch effort to try to restore some semblance of empowerment within you. If you think of un-workability like a wall that is up in front of someone’s face and is solid, anger is similar to a grenade that looks to try to destroy the solid, unchanging nature of that wall.
If you listened closely, you would see that everything I just said suddenly makes the behavior of toddlers make more sense. Their anger is about not being able to bring about the things they want and need in order to feel good. Their anger is about a lack of empowerment. They are at an age of autonomy where they need to be able to develop their own desires and also experience the process of being able to bring their desires to fruition. Kids turn into angry kids because they feel zero empowerment to turn their lives into what they need their lives to be in order to feel good and so they are trapped in pain. Adults are the same. So many adults have simply grown up having been conditioned to believe that they have no capacity to make whatever situation they feel angry about change so that it feels good. They are disempowered relative to whatever area of their life they feel angry about.
When children experience pain or threat, their empowerment needs to be enabled by the adults in their life. But this does not usually happen. Usually, the adults in their life re-enforce their dis-empowerment. For example, a child really wants a bike, but their parents don’t have enough money. Instead of helping a child to brainstorm and take actions that may empower the child to be able to get that bike, they usually say something like “You can’t have the bike, we don’t have enough money”. If a child is in pain about something the adult is doing when they are together, instead of sitting down to help him or her to voice what is upsetting and come up with an alternative way of interacting, the parent will say “suck it up”. Parents reinforce the idea that the environment belongs to them, not the child. Therefore, the environment that the child is in, is unworkable. As a result, they grow up to believe that they are genuinely powerless. A person who struggles with chronic anger, is a person who learned that things were unworkable, even if things are workable.
Your anger always reveals what in life you feel dis-empowered about. But because anger is such an unconscious process, people almost never directly name and work with whatever feels unworkable so as to empower themselves more relative to whatever feels unworkable.
Whenever you are angry, use the anger as an alarm bell, alerting you to the fact that in whatever situation you are angry about, you feel there is something that is unworkable. Ask yourself this question: What in this situation do I feel is totally unworkable? Name it directly.
From there, all your energy should go towards consciously figuring out what to do about that perception of unworkability specifically. First of all, is it really unworkable? Maybe you can tell whoever is involved in the situation what you feel is totally unworkable so that you draw their attention to it so that they can problem solve that unworkability with you. What could I try to do so that the situation that feels unworkable is workable instead? Only if it is truly unworkable… you can ask yourself: if I accepted that unworkability, instead of simply accepting that my life will be pain, what would I do instead?
We have the tendency to make our anger about empowerment in the surface changes, when it is really about something deeper. For example, If the woman who is angry about her husband’s socks sees that the unworkability is about feeling like her husband cares about her and considers her, she is not going to pour her energy into how to get him to pick his socks up off of the floor. She is going to address the area of disempowerment in her life, which is feeling cared about and considered. Therefore, restoring workability to that area of her life may include things like communicating this to her husband, attending relationship counseling which may make the relationship better or make her aware that she is not in the right relationship, doing shadow work with her root wounds around not feeling loved in childhood, committing to the mastery of relationships and seeking out people to teach her about that, spending time around people who consider her in what they do etc.
When you are able to identify the true perception of unworkability underneath your anger, your anger will dissipate. It will dissipate because it is no longer trying to rescue you from that threat because you have consciously chosen to be empowered by going directly towards it instead. You will instead drop down into the way that unworkability makes you feel such as pain, sadness or fear. You are staring at the resistance directly. And doing so puts you squarely in the empowered seat of strategy. If you are looking directly at the unworkability, suddenly you can begin to see what strategies will and wont work for creating workability in it. It will cause you to do totally different things to resolve the situation than you would have done originally. You may even see how the things that anger may cause you to do to create workability, like raising your voice or getting violent or walking out the door is the wrong strategy and might instead make what is already unworkable, even more unworkable.
You did not come here to put up with things the way they are. You are meant to be empowered. Anger directly reveals those areas where empowerment needs to come back into your life, as long as you are willing to see the unworkability that your anger is trying to call your attention to directly, so as to strategize how to make it workable instead. In other words, your empowerment is about facing your disempowerment. Finding workability is about calling out what doesn’t seem workable and doing so, renders anger… obsolete.
In the context of what we are talking about today, generalizing is a conceptual process whereby common properties of the individuals comprising a group are identified and then formulated in order to make a general claim about the group. A stereotype is a generalization about the members of a group. It is often a widely held impression or belief relative to a type of thing. In today’s world, generalizing and stereotyping is generally considered to be a bad, ignorant and even shameful thing to do. It is not politically correct. For more information about this, you should watch my video titled: Political Correctness. But today, I’m going to explain why the baby of generalizing shouldn’t be thrown out with the bathwater of generalizing.
The mind identifies patterns and it groups things together. It works rather like a computer in this way. In many ways, this helps you to make quick decisions and survive. So here is painful truth #1: You may think and say that you are capable of not generalizing and that you never stereotype, but actually your brain can’t not do it. It is designed to do it. The truth is really just that you don’t support prejudice or discrimination or ignorance. Maybe you’ve been on the receiving end of the hurt caused by generalizing and prejudice. So you say things like “I don’t see color, only people” or “to generalize is to be an idiot” or “I don’t believe in stereotypes”. The problem is, your mind does. So you spend your time denying commonalities and identifying exceptions so you are nothing like those shameful, hurtful, ignorant people who you don’t want to have anything to do with.
Seeing patterns and commonalities that exist within the members of a group create expectations. For example, if you see someone die because of being bitten by a red, yellow and black snake, you’re going to quickly generalize that red, yellow and black snakes are lethal. This (just like any expectation) is both a good thing and also not such a good thing. Good because you are more likely to survive if that yellow, black and red snake is a coral snake (which is poisonous) and because of your generalization, you don’t touch it. Not so good because if that yellow, black and red snake is a king snake (which is not poisonous) and you flip out and kill it, it will be for no good reason. Here is a list of generalizations so you can get the idea:
Superheroes wear capes
It snows in the winter months
Men are stronger than women
Asians are awesome at math
Potatoes have brown skin
Jews are greedy
Babies can’t walk
Humpback whales give birth in Hawaii
Blacks are poor
You have ulcers if you have stomach pain, weight loss, nausea, heartburn and dark, tarry stools
Homework is hard
Criminals come from troubled backgrounds
Americans are loud and arrogant
Dogs are nicer than cats
Family is always there for you
Teens are rebellious
If you want to be successful you have to go to college
Pretty girls are bitches
Everyone can heal
Oh… and my favorite… Generalizations are false.
If you want to enhance your own awareness, I ask you to stop this video and truthfully make a list of the generalizations and stereotypes that you hold, especially the ones you have formed because of personal experience, before continuing with the rest of this episode.
What you should have noticed about the examples of generalizing is that most people only care about generalizing or stereotyping when they perceive it to hurt themselves or someone else. You will have felt a cringy emotional charge relative to some of these examples and not others. We can all come up with stereotypes that we feel are mostly true despite there being some exceptions and we can all come up with stereotypes we feel are unfair or untrue.
Generalization is a conceptual tool. It is a tool that can be quite beneficial and can be quite detrimental, therefore it is a tool that should be used with caution instead of thrown out. Generalizing is one of the principal measures by which knowledge proceeds. It allows us to identify and recognize commonalities and therefore patterns within a group. Generalizations can be thought of as a polarity to individuality and difference. A spiritual teacher or philosopher could argue that generalizations and the recognition of same-nesses are less egotistical than individuality and difference because the ego is after all the ‘sense of separate self’. I bet none of you who consider yourself to be against generalizing and stereotyping see yourselves as having much stronger egos. The reality is that you are different in some ways and in other ways, exactly like others.
Without generalization, we could never talk about commonalities, trends, tendencies or patterns and all three are critical when it comes to awareness. It is as important when it comes to awareness to identify commonalities, trends, tendencies and patterns as it is to be aware that there are exceptions. For example, it is important to see the reality of “I am avoidant of intimacy” based off of the common behavioral trend that you exhibit from day to day. Not to say, “actually last Tuesday I shared how I felt with my wife, so It isn’t true that I’m intimacy avoidant… that’s a generalization”. It is important to see generalizations such as “Christians value modesty” so you don’t go to the deep south and strip down to a bikini cause it’s hot and wonder why everyone is looking at you with disgust. It’s important that we can see patterns such as “blacks are poor” even if there are some black people who are extremely wealthy. Why? Unless we recognize the commonality in the first place, we will not look into the why behind it or even see it as a societal issue in the first place. I also chose this last highly triggering example specifically to make you aware of how a stereotype or generalization may be something that we fight against in one minute and demand that others accept, the next. For example, if it’s a normal day and a white person walks into a fancy restaurant and thinks “why the hell is a black person in here, cause they are poor”, people will fight against that stereotype because it’s ignorant. But if it is a day that the government puts an economic law into place that effects low income citizens, and therefore the black demographic, harder people will fight for the public to accept the stereotype that blacks are poor, so as to highlight the injustice and doing so is suddenly considered educated.
People also tend to fight stereotypes with stereotypes. For example, one person could say “Women are terrible drivers”. And someone might say “Men don’t let women drive when a car is a shared asset and they criticize women when they drive, both of which leads to a loss of confidence behind the wheel and less practice.” Both arguments are in fact examples of stereotyping.
All generalizations and stereotypes exist for a reason. The question is what reason? I didn’t say they all exist for a good reason or because they are all right. For example, the stereotype that Latino people are super family oriented exists because culturally, they believe that the family is both the source of identity and also of protection against hardship and so they act like it. The stereotype that witches worship the devil exists because the early Catholic/Christian churches wanted to enforce cultural control by turning citizens against (and justifying their punishment of) women who did not conform to their ideals of womanhood. Some stereotypes are false. Some have been intentionally created despite inaccuracy to cause harm. But many stereotypes are in fact accurate assessments of the commonalities, trends, tendencies and patterns. It is not particularly aware to say that stereotypes are bad and wrong. The bottom line is, to be truly aware, you need to be able to see patterns in yourself and patterns in groups of people too, not just individual patterns. You need to see BOTH.
Generalizing and Stereotyping have a bad reputation for good reason. If you look at the etymology of the word stereotype, it is: “Firm or solid impression”. This is where you can get into trouble with generalizing and stereotyping. Where there is firmness and solidness, there is a risk for a disowning of flexibility and openness. Not being aware that there are exceptions and differences can make you unaware and closeminded. It is not that generalizations are un true. It is that they can open you up to the danger of making one story the only story. And that can hurt you and everything else around you.
Generalizations and stereotypes can open the door for pain, ignorance, discrimination, prejudice, the justification of injustice, enabling, the destruction of relationships, and the stifling of individual freedom and success. In fact, there is a thing called a “stereotype threat”. If you have tattoos and you show up at a conservative party and you know that the people around you hold a negative stereotype of people with tattoos such as “immoral, promiscuous, unprofessional and dangerous”, you will be afraid of inadvertently confirming that stereotype. It will aversely effect your confidence and make you defensive and unfriendly (thus perpetuating the stereotype).
The main thing that is causing you to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to generalizing and stereotyping is that you don't want people to fail to see, hear, feel and understand you and your individual reality or truth because they have simply assumed you fit with a pattern. You don’t want to be judged by those who you have decided don’t know you well. You feel hurt when your complexity is denied and you are robbed of your rich, nuanced, uniqueness. You want to be known. You want others who you identify with to be known. You also don’t want to see other people (or beings or things) suffer from not being known. A person who loves sharks and is therefore identified with them, has a real problem when people make sweeping generalizations about sharks. All this boils down to the fact that if you detest the idea of generalizing or stereotyping, you perceive that if a person does not recognize differences that do or can exist, that there will be painful consequences for you or them, or something involved. And there very well might be.
Contrary to popular opinion, generalizing and stereotyping is an essential and natural feature of your mind. It is not a cultural, unnatural glitch in your mind. If you did not have this natural feature, you could not think things like “Japanese people speak Japanese” and so you would go to Japan and start speaking to someone on the street in your own language. You would not think things like “babies aren’t strong enough to hold the weight of adults” so you might roll over on one and wonder why it died. You would not recognize things like “I am an addict” and so, you would never face that addiction you have head on. We need to be able to discern the accuracy or inaccuracy of a general statement rather than to say that all general statements are untrue because they are general.
We need to develop the capacity to accept the truth of a generalization or stereotype, even if and knowing that it is not the whole truth or nothing but the truth and exceptions exist. Otherwise, we are throwing awareness away for the sake of a sense of our own personal goodness and rightness. An aware person generalizes but with the awareness that there are exceptions and differences. They can make a statement such as “Jelly Fish Sting” without that implying that all jellyfish of every type and everywhere always sting humans that they come into contact with. The stereotype is still true without it being the whole truth with no exceptions. Generalizations can be inaccurate and harmful. Conversely, they can also be accurate and useful… A critical tool for learning, comprehension and communication. Therefore, question your generalizations and the why they exist. And make your generalizations flexible instead of being determined to not make them at all. And never forget, the wise words of Mark Twain, “All generalizations are false, including this one”.
The millennial generation is a game changer generation. However, to get to the place where the game is changed, the existing rules of the game had to have proved to be detrimental. And the trauma of experiencing those detrimental aspects of the game have led the millennial generation to a cross roads. Either the millennial generation heals and invests its energy in creating the new rules. Or they pull their energy out of the system and give up on the game entirely. Many members of the millennial generation are on the fast track to destruction, both because of what has happened to them and what is happening in the world today. But a course correction can always be made. A different road can always be taken. I could write an entire book on how to heal the primary wounds that belong to the millennial generation. But in this episode, my intention is to put forth several key elements for healing the millennial wounds. I am going to write the rest of this episode directly to millennials, hoping that anyone who is not a millennial can ascertain what to do and not do (relative to the millennials in their life) from what I am saying. If you haven’t done so already, it is a good idea to watch my video titled: What Is Wrong with Millennials? Before you continue watching this video.
The first thing I must say is that as a millennial, the first thing you will feel in response to this entire topic is angry. Why? Because of how unfair it is to be put in the position of being painted as a problem that needs to somehow be fixed. While some of you may worry deep down that there is something wrong with you, you also know somewhere inside you that this is a huge gaslight. Looking back at your life, you may find that members of the previous generations first messed you up and set you up to fail and then made you the problem for being messed up or failing. For this reason, I want you to understand that when I say that the millennial generation must heal, what I mean is that the millennial generation must experience the opposite of the trauma that it has experienced. And for this to happen, you may need to alter your perspective about certain things and subsequently change some of the things you are doing. I have no interest in participating in making you a scapegoat for previous generations. So, I simply offer the following list as a tool box with which you can pull forth tools to put yourself into a better position than the one you currently find yourself in.
To heal is to experience the opposite. To understand this concept fully, I want you to watch my video titled: What Is Healing? You have experienced things like working hard for a pot at the end of a rainbow that was never there, feeling like you have to (and are expected to) put up with things that hurt you, disillusionment, disappointment, powerlessness, the feeling of being enslaved etc. To heal from these painful experiences is simply to experience the opposite of them… Things like reaching your goals, feeling free, developing empowerment, successfully creating something that is better rather than putting up with what doesn’t work. I want you to keep this in mind in your life because it will give you a better picture and therefore point you in the right direction of what it is that you are wanting and needing to choose and do. Part of doing this is to face these experiences and the deep wounds they left you with that reside within you. I created a process for doing this. It is called The Completion Process. To learn how to do this process, you can pick up a copy of my book titled The Completion Process or go to www.completionprocess.com and find a practitioner to lead you through it. Doing so will reveal what you specifically need to do in the here and now to experience the opposite.
You need to own and caretake your hatred, rage and anger. In fact, you need to let yourself grieve the life-let down and disillusionment that you have experienced. This is not going to happen if you continue to listen to the world which is telling you that you have no reason or right to feel that way. You need to make room for your own pain about the things you are facing as a result of being a part of your generation, especially as a result of what the generation before you has done or not done. Instead of seeing this pain, people are constantly invalidating and minimizing and gaslighting you and calling you lazy and entitled. Don’t do this to yourself too. Much of your behavior is misunderstood by others and also by you. I want you to do an expression process relative to being a millennial. To learn how to do this process, watch my video titled: How To Express Your Emotion.
Most millennials (you might be one of them) are in a place of “what is the point?” What you have learned in life is powerlessness and futility. You have learned that you have no impact. You have learned that it doesn’t matter how hard you work or how many things you try to do right, you’re not in control of any of it. They (others) can just make a decision that makes you totally powerless to never being able to achieve something or powerless to it being taken away just like that. Actually, you have every reason and right to think like that. You were born and brought into a fundamentally flawed system. And it is within your rights to give up. In fact, I want you to imagine giving up. I mean fully. Do a meditation where you imagine totally giving up. Maybe you just spend the rest of your life in bed. Maybe you do nothing but play video games. Maybe you throw your apartment keys away and go live on a beach under a coconut tree. Allow yourself to play out the reality of giving up as far as you can. Let yourself experience the relief and eventual dead end of it. Do this now before you continue with the rest of this episode.
Now that you have done the exercise, what did you learn? What was your take away from this exercise? There is relief in no longer trying to beat down a door that will never open. There is relief in getting off of the hamster wheel. But if you give up on finding any open door; and stop moving forever, it is a 100% guarantee that your life will not be what you want. Realize that you are trying to self-preserve by not investing yourself or committing to things. It is so painful to put all of yourself into things and have them not pan out, that you are self-preserving by simply not putting yourself into them in the first place. You’re remaining detached. But living your life trying to avoid disappointment is not life. Throw away what your parents tried to teach you. It isn’t actually about hard work. It is simply a universal truth that only focused energy creates anything. To commit is to put your energy into something. This means that you cannot create a life that feels good if you are not committed to life. For there to be something on the canvas, you must put your paintbrush into the paint and onto the canvas. So work with the part of you that is committed to creating a life that you want and the part that wants to give up on trying. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How To Do It). I must warn you that if you don’t begin to consciously figure out what you want to commit to creating in your life and in society, (as if you were in charge of both) you will be forced to figure it out and commit to it out of necessity instead.
What do you stand for? This is an answer you need to have for yourself. It is not about what your parents stand for or what anyone else stands for. What is your thing to stand for? What are you going to live your life for? What do you value and find to be the most important? What matters so much to you that you would die for it? What do you really want? You are the generation that is meant to bring in the truth of purpose. With genuine purpose, it is not about working hard at what you don’t want to do so that you can achieve some future goal that you do want. Instead a goal exists as an intention. I say intention because you will continue to go in the direction of that goal, but if it were certain that you would never achieve that goal, it wouldn’t change the fact that you would continue doing it because it is in the doing of it that you find purpose, meaning, fulfillment and joy. You know you have found this when there is nothing else for you to choose in terms of a path. This is the opposite of living your life for something you want to achieve in the future and if you don’t get that thing, wanting to give up. For example, for a person who lives for surfing, there is no other life than surfing. Even if he or she never makes it into the hall of fame, life is paddling out. Life is communion with the ocean. He or she stands for that place where human and element dance.
It’s time to stop coping. You have become very good at coping. To cope is to make a specific alteration mentally, emotionally or physically so that you can manage or adapt to something that is causing you stress. To cope is the opposite of to change. It implies futility in terms of changing the stressor itself. You are the game changer generation. You didn’t come here to adapt to the game that exists. You came to change the game itself. If you manage to cope with the game, you’re trying to become comfortable in the very thing that is hurting you. What do you honestly have to lose? You have either been prevented from what you want or achieved it, only to have it taken away. So what do you honestly have to lose? Stop coping. To know how to do this, watch my video titled: How To Let Go Of A Coping Mechanism.
You need to feel you are getting somewhere and have gotten somewhere. One exercise you can adopt is to start a daily list of accomplishments. These lists can include things you have accomplished in the past. They can also include things you accomplish on a daily basis. They can be big or small. From getting a PHD to baking a loaf of banana bread that tasted good. You need to restore an awareness of accomplishment. And you need to remember that even if someone manages to destroy what you have built, it doesn’t take away the accomplishment of having built it in the first place. You still have that accomplishment.
Stop playing zero-sum games. Get out of your narcissistic bubble. Master the art of relationship instead. You learned very early that no one actually had your best interests in mind. They had their own in mind. This is why you were set up to fail. It is a bit like being born into a shark pit and realizing that everyone else was not going to caretake you, in fact they expected you to fend for yourself and to stay safe by doing what pleased them. So you coped by becoming one of them. You turned into a shark too. Notice the ways in which you are out for yourself only. Notice how instead of thinking of we, you think of I. Notice how you are concerned only with your individual life and not with ‘them’. Notice yourself agreeing to disagree and not taking other people’s best interests as a part of your own best interests. Notice how you separate yourself from others. Notice how you go for a win and don’t care if your win means others in a situation will lose. What you really want is a society that feels safe. It will be impossible to achieve if you stay a shark. Because you being a shark will give people no other choice but to be a shark too. You cannot create a society you want to live in, if all you are concerned with is your own pleasure in your own individual life because society implies that others exist. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: How To Create a Safe Relationship.
Re-establish your sense of connection and contribution. All people have an intrinsic need to contribute. But many millennials have disowned this need. One of the most tragic things to watch within the millennial generation is how each member of the generation feels it is them alone against the world. The millennial generation is a generation of islands. Many millennials hate millennials. It is a generation where its members are fragmented from one another. Essentially, millennials lack team spirit and tend to have a sense that there is nothing to be gained from gathering and collaboration. Many millennials feel that finding a meeting of minds is impossible. Because of this and other factors, many report that being together makes them feel more alone. For this reason, you must ask yourself, why am I getting nothing out of coming together? Look around and see how many there are of you that feel the exact same way. What values do you share? Begin to advocate for each other. It isn’t just you against the world. What could happen if you all came together and co-created this new world you envision? What could you do that would have some impact on others and the world? Now is the time for millennials to learn the vibration of ‘rally’. Millennials struggle with a sense of loneliness and isolation more so than any other generation. If you want to find a way out of this loneliness and isolation back to a sense of connection, pick up a copy of my book titled: The Anatomy of Loneliness (How to Find Your Way Back to Connection).
You have suffered so much from disempowerment that you need to feel empowerment again. In fact, you need to take back your power. You are an adult now even if it doesn’t feel like it. Never forget that Alexander the great conquered countries at 18 years old. Mozart wrote his first symphony at age 8. William Pitt became prime minister of England at 24. Joan of Arc turned a war at 17 and was executed at 19. At 28, Mark Zuckerberg floated Facebook on the stock market and became an instant billionaire. You have not been given a chance to take over society from the generation before you. And guess what? That chance will never be given to you any more than it was given to any game changer that came before you. You need to take the reins instead. How can you do take the reigns? Freedom is a deep desire for you. But what is true freedom? It is not fighting against oppression. That is nothing more than pushing against prison bars. It is not waiting for someone to grant you freedom. That is just more powerlessness. What does freedom really look like to you? How can you be in that state of freedom without demanding that someone else creates that freedom for you? Speaking of feeling like other people must create things for you, you have most likely heard people calling you entitled. But what if I told you that entitlement is caused by a person feeling powerless and incapable and therefore believing that the actualization of their desires are in someone else’s hands? For this reason, I suggest you watch two of my videos. The first is: Entitlement and the second is: Take Your Power Back.
You have got to create something new. This was your calling when you came in. The way the human world was set up when you came in was so flawed that you didn’t even need to crash it. It fell of its own weight. You knew this collapse would happen before you came into this life. The boomers are used to putting their energy into something and it happens. For example, I work hard and pay off my house. You have had trauma around this experience. For example, I work my ass off and will never be able to even afford a house, much less pay it off. You are in the opposite energy that it doesn’t matter how hard you work, it doesn’t happen. You experienced this because the way things had always been done no longer worked. Instead of accept this, you have sunk into a depression. Depression only happens when you are resisting futility. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Depression (the Truth About Depression that No One Sees or Understands). What have you learned is futile? If you accepted that futility, what would you do instead? How could you put yourself into a position of cause instead of staying in the position of being at the effect of others? How could you create what you want instead of being at the mercy of other people creating what you want for you? Reinvention and redefinition is all that there is to do. Be at the causation instead of at the effect of human existence. How this looks will be different depending on your specific calling as an individual.
Embrace the disillusionment and let go of the cynicism. As a millennial, you have been seriously disillusioned. This has created serious distrust in you. And you may find yourself coping by becoming cynical. You can’t just force yourself to trust again. In fact, to try to do this when your life experience has proven situations and things to be untrustworthy, is abusive. Instead, learn about trust and learn how to create it. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Trust (What is Trust and How to Build Trust in Relationships). Disillusionment is better than ignorance. You have broken out of ignorance and falsehood and discovered more of what is real and you have seen the genuine problems in the world. This knowledge can give you power in fact. After all, your only axis of power is to be in reality. What have you become disillusioned with and why? What is that disillusionment showing you that you do want? How could you put your energy into it and take action?
In order to let go of cynicism, you first need to see what it is doing for you and what it is getting you. Cynicism is a defense mechanism. You use it to try to stay safe. When we feel hurt and afraid and disappointed, but we can’t face those emotions directly, we turn against the world and begin to push things away. When did you experience a trauma in which your positive hopes or expectations were dashed? We use cynicism to make sure we never ever get our hopes up only to be let down again. Essentially we disappoint ourselves before the world can ever do it for us. But cynicism paints the lens you see the world through dark and it also separates you from genuine awareness.
As a cynic, you are trying harder to buffer yourself from suffering and pain than you are trying to see truth or to see things as they are. To be aware you must see that the two polarities of positive and negative inherently exist in any circumstance. To be aware, you must see both polarities. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: And Consciousness, The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way. What you really want is kindness. But you would never dare reveal your vulnerability or set yourself up to have your hopes dashed again and so you would never admit to it or ask for kindness directly. And your cynicism invites the opposite from people. What all millennials secretly want is kindness. So, what would a kind world look like? If you had to be the one to show people by example what it looked like to be kind, what would you think, say and do. Now Do That!
So many millennials are asking the question, what’s the point? The thing is, that question is the best question you will ever ask yourself. Not as a statement that there is no point. But instead to decide what the point of life actually is for you personally. And beyond that, what the point of the existence of humanity is. The meaning in your life is something you must put there. It is not something that can be handed to you… After all, the last time you took someone’s word for it, it didn’t work out so well.
If you were to enter a room full of the most excellent people in the world, regardless of what their field of excellence is, they would all have key things in common. One of those key things that they would all have in common is that their sense of self-esteem is fed by the competence, substance, care, excellence and quality of what they create or do. To half ass something is to do it with little effort or care. People who are excellent, never half ass anything they do, no matter what it is and no matter if it something they feel minimal motivation to do. Either they give it their best or they don’t do it at all. And the sense of pride they feel as a result, is a form of self-esteem that no one can give to them and no one can take away from them.
People who derive a sense of self-esteem from the pride they feel in never half-assing anything tend to be very successful. Successful people invest their energy into whatever they decide to do or create to the degree that the outcome becomes a reflection of them. They can’t feel good about themselves if they do something just good enough to get by. And therefore, the competence, substance, care, excellence and quality of what they create or do matters more to them than anything. And they do not have to be motivated to put forth that effort to produce excellence.
For example, a truly excellent pastry chef’s sense of self-esteem is derived by just how perfect their sugar work or chocolate tempering is. It would not matter whether you paid him thousands to do a pastry or nothing at all, he would own his craft and the excellence of his craft and the energy he dedicates to his craft to the degree that the result (pastry) would be the same.
For another example, if you took a professional athlete with this character trait and asked him or her to clean a bathroom, if he or she decided to clean it, he or she would not half-ass the cleaning job. Instead, he or she would give it their absolute best, their 100% and clean it impeccably. What did they get out of doing this? The unshakable boost to his or her self-esteem that competence, care and producing an outcome of substance, excellence and quality gives. Essentially, they are fed energy by anything that they do because of this.
Of course many of you are hearing this and feeling resistance within yourself. There are plenty of shadows that make a person resistant to this idea. For example, some people think that self-esteem should have nothing to do with what you do. Some people want to be loved for who they are, not what they do and so this idea just seems like one step closer to having to perform for love. Some people are not doing what they really want to be doing so they have no motive to do what they don’t want to do well. Some people feel that if they put their 100% into something and the result still fell short of other people’s expectations or their own expectations, it would be a confirmation of their worthlessness; and therefore that it is safer to just never give 100% so they can always say “I could have”. Some people feel like nothing will work out no matter how much effort they put into something and so it’s just asking for worse disappointment. Ask yourself, why does the idea of putting 100% into what I do if I say yes to doing it (no matter what it is) bother me? Why does the idea of deriving my self-esteem from competence, substance, care, excellence and quality bother me? Consider that your answer to these questions is revealing something that is in the way of your personal success and self-esteem.
Look at your life. Do you take pride in what you do? Are you putting effort and care into the things that you do so as to make the outcome excellent or of quality? If not, why? What things are you half-assing? Why are you half-assing them? Why are they not worth the effort?
If you want unshakable self-esteem, you must take pride in what you do. And if you want to be truly successful, you must take pride in anything that you decide to do. So many people do not give the things they do in the physical their 100%. So many more are picky and choosy relative to the things they will give 100% to and the things where they will do just enough to get by. Not only is this a waste of personal energy, it is also a slippery slope into the habit of half-assing. Vibrationally speaking, if you are not committed to doing everything you choose to do well, it will be hard to do anything well. To the opposite, if you are committed to doing everything well, you become a person who can do anything well. When you half-ass, you will slip into the space of “less than 100% effort is ok for me”. You slip into the existence and vibrational space of ‘good enough’. And this will for sure make your life ‘just good enough’. You will find yourself in just good enough relationships, just good enough jobs, a just good enough house and surrounded by people who also do just enough, including just enough relative to you. Your quality of life will slip because you have indicated through your thoughts, words and actions that quality does not matter to you. You’re also going to lose relationships and jobs because to half-ass is to say “I’m fine doing the bare minimum and calling it done and leaving other people who care more to pick up the pieces”. When you half-ass things, you are saying to the universe: I am worthy of half-assing and others are worthy of me half-assing. That is not loving to yourself or to them. To commit is to put all of your energy into a thing. You cannot create a good life if you don’t commit to the elements of your life. Half-assing is the opposite of committing. Unfortunately this means that if you become ok with half-assing, you will one day wake up and wonder why your life sucks.
When it comes to half-assing, you have to keep your ear out for the word try. In that room full of highly excellent and successful people, you aren’t going to hear that word being said. When you say “I’m going to try” you’re already giving yourself an out. You’ve entered failure into a situation where it doesn’t inherently exist. It also means there is a big part of you that is either un-committed to making it happen no matter what or is already convinced that it isn’t going to happen. You can’t think that way and be committed at the same time. What is your excuse for why something is not happening? What are the ways that you are not actually doing what you say you are trying to do? Try is an illusion in the universe at large. Notice how often you say try. Eliminate try from your vocabulary and mentality. There is only do and do not. Your excuses are justifications for having not done.
If you want unshakable self-esteem, take pride in every single thing you decide to do from making your bed to brushing your teeth to what you buy to what you eat to every work-related task to caring for your appearance to having that conversation to writing that e-mail to cleaning those dishes to staying close to that person etc. If you want to learn a great hack for doing this, watch my video titled: Priceless Motivation Tip. And if you can’t, you have to face why you can’t. It may just indicate that a change must be made to what you’re doing with your personal energy and therefore life.
It does better things for your self-esteem and success to consciously decide not to do a task than to half ass it. It’s better to say no than to say yes but not act like it is a hell yes. To grasp this concept, watch the movie Office Space. It’s hilarious. It is also a perfect example of half-assing. However the fact that so many people relate to the characters in that movie is a rather sad commentary regarding how many people are choosing to do things that they don’t have any intrinsic motivation to do.
It is not possible to put your 100% into something and see no improvement. If you stop half-assing anything and take pride in anything you do, you will see improvement in your relationships, personal growth, finances, health, success etc. You can only have a truly great life if you really invest in life and everything you do. You can only feel truly great about your life if you take pride in everything you do.
In your physical existence, you are experiencing and sorting through the contrast of wanted and unwanted all day long. If space and time and therefore movement is added to the equation, you will naturally go towards those things that you want and away from those things that you don’t want. Experiencing the unwanted is meant to crystalize what you do want to think and say and have and do and create in your life. In this way, it is meant to serve as a necessary part of your personal expansion. But some people don’t use the contrast of unwanted and unwanted in this way. Instead they simply begin to let what is unwanted control their life. They live their lives with the primary intention of avoiding the unwanted.
Pushing against what is unwanted and trying to avoid the unwanted is a very different thing than going in the direction of what you do want. To comprehend this, I want you to think of the face of a compass. Imagine that South represents the unwanted. And due North represents what you really want. When you have a clear idea of what South is, you can use that awareness to then define what direction true North is and start taking actions in that direction instead. But many people don’t do this. They see South and don’t want to go South and so they go East or West simply to avoid going South. Or they keep going South, hoping that it will magically turn into North. Or they keep pointing South, screaming that the South should change into the North because it is so wrong for being the South. Essentially, they live their life fighting South or avoiding it. Some people spend their lives fighting the unwanted or avoiding it. Neither is actually going in the direction of what they DO want.
I want you to look at your life and relationships and ask yourself this question: Am I doing the things I am doing to avoid a consequence or am I doing them because I want to?
For example, am I doing the dishes because I want a clean house? Or am I doing the dishes to avoid getting in trouble for not doing them? Am I saving money in my account because I want to feel financially free or because I want to avoid being cashless in a calamity? Am I saying yes because I want to help that person or because I want to avoid them turning against me if I say no? Am I doing this job because I want to be doing this job or am I doing this job to avoid the feeling of financial risk or insecurity? Am I staying in this relationship because I want to be with this person or am I staying in this relationship because of how scary life might be without them? Am I not telling someone the truth about how I feel because doing so really does not serve me/my desires or am I not telling someone the truth about how I feel because I want to avoid the feeling of being rejected, invalidated or ignored? Am I exercising to have the body and physical feeling I want or am I exercising to not be fat? Do I spend time with my kids because I want to be around them or because I want to avoid the feeling of guilt and the potential that one day they will grow up to hate me?
Keep in mind that one person may do something because they want to avoid a consequence and another person might do that exact same thing because they want to. We may do something at one time because we really want to and at another time do that same thing because we want to avoid a consequence. For example, I may rub my wife’s feet one day because I really want to and another day because I feel like if I don’t, she will start a fight about how un-attentive I am to her.
You may argue that these things are two sides of the same coin. But really, they are two different directions on a compass. You will think different thoughts and make different decisions and take different actions if you are doing things to avoid unwanted as opposed to if you are doing things to get you closer to what you do want. For example, let’s say that a person doesn’t want to feel poor. They might get a job they hate simply because it provides financial security or start hiding money under the mattresses or start buying clothes that makes them feel rich even though they can’t afford it etc. On the other hand, if this person realized that they wanted to feel financially free, they may start to educate themselves on economics and finance and investing. They might decide to do shadow work relative to the experiences and beliefs that are keeping them poor. They might find an outfit at an affordable price which allows them to feel opulent but without the purchase being a bad financial decision and therefore taking them further away from their desire.
For another example, if a person doesn’t want to be alone and lose the security of their relationship despite it not being what they want, they might decide to become more and more codependent in their relationship. They might start to have extramarital affairs. They might cope by going into denial or continually look for proof for why they should stay in their current relationship. On the other hand, if they realized they want a different kind of relationship, they may choose to be honest with their partner. They may insist upon marriage counseling with their current partner and leave if their partner refuses. They may begin to develop security outside the relationship. They may put energy into strengthening other relationships so they won’t feel alone. They may start to act in a way that is authentic so as to increase the odds that a new relationship will be based off of what is real.
Sometimes if we really want something, we will be sure to act in a way that prevents unwanted consequences. But its’ not going to feel the same way as it does when you are doing something purely to avoid consequence. It will feel like taking a preventative measure brings you closer to what you really want and is therefore chosen with your free will. It will feel like an accessory action to what you want. When we do things simply to avoid the unwanted, we will feel controlled or forced into taking actions to prevent or avoid. Subconsciously, self-preservation will become our top need and priority and all of our other desires will be thrown on the backburner and deprioritized. We will then begin to feel really, really resentful of whatever or whoever is making us feel like we must self-preserve to the detriment of all of our other desires. We will see those people and situations like the bad guy and feel controlled by them. Really, we are being controlled by our own unexamined priorities and fears.
Become clear about what you don’t want. What is that consequence you are trying to avoid or fight? Knowing that, what does that indicate that you powerfully want instead? If you pivoted towards those things, what could you think and say and decide and do that would bring you in the direction of what you are wanting instead?
For example, imagine that you hate the fact that the environment is being destroyed. You don’t want that. This means you want a healthy earth where people live in harmony with the planet. In what ways could you put your energy into bringing about that vision? How might you stop pushing against environmental collapse and pour your energy into a healthy planet instead? You might plant a garden. You might vote for policy makers that have a similar vision. You might make solar panels to power your home. You might start riding a bike everywhere or take public transportation. You might show cool new environmentally friendly products to people you know… or even buy those products for them. You might start posting things that educate people about environmental awareness on your social media accounts.
When you are facing in the direction of what you want, when you are thinking and saying and deciding and doing things that bring you in the direction of what you are wanting, you will not feel the sensation of resistance or stuck-ness in your body. You will not feel like you are running away from anything or pushing against anything. Instead, you will feel that expansive, empowering feeling of bringing about what you want and putting your energy into what is right for you. A life that is lived simply to avoid what you don’t want, is not a life. It is not what you came here for. There is no way to feel happy or fulfilled or on the right path if you live your life to avoid what you don’t want. Live your life for what you DO want. Let your awareness of South define what North is for you personally and then GO NORTH by thinking thoughts and saying things and making decisions and taking actions that actually take you directly North.
Power is energy. It is the inherent capacity to create, direct, influence or do something so as to bring about what we want. Power in and of itself is wonderful. And it is something that all beings have. How that power is used is what matters most, because like anything, it can be used for harm and it can be used for good. We will all find ourselves in certain situations where we feel incapable of creating, directing, influencing or doing anything so as to bring about what we want. We feel out of control, disempowered at the mercy of others. At times like this, it is super infuriating to hear people say, “you’ve given away too much of your power”. It is an invalidation of the reality of the powerlessness inherent in situations where many of the elements involved are beyond your control. It also doesn’t make immediate sense. You weren’t aware of giving (and therefore didn’t consciously choose to give) anything away. Which is why “taking your power back” is much more about becoming aware that you have power to begin with than it is about taking back something you gave away. So here is how to realize you have power and how to own it.
You have to get that free will is an absolute of your existence. No one can take that away. They cannot take away choice itself, only choices. All other people can do is to put intense amounts of pressure on you in the hopes that you will use your free will to choose to comply to what they are wanting. They can’t take your free will away, only put pressure on it. You can’t actually give your free will away even if you wanted to. Even if you comply, that is because you’ve decided to use your free will to choose in favor of what appears to be the lesser of consequences for you. This means, in every situation, you must challenge your assumptions about where you think the power lies.
Some of you know and some of you don’t know that I was tortured in my younger years. I mean deliberate torture, not metaphorical torture. And so what I’m about to tell you is coming from the mouth of someone who absolutely knows what it is for someone else to put you in a position where they are able to cause so much pain that you will use your free will to choose to comply. This is coming from someone who knows how they may use your point of greatest weakness and therefore greatest need as leverage. We have the tendency of telling the story: They made me do it. But they didn’t. I’m going to get super extreme with you so you can see what I mean. Throughout history, when people have been unwilling to bend to the will of someone else, they tell them the penalty for non-compliance is death. This is still just narrowing the choices. Many people have chosen throughout history to choose death rather than to comply. Many people have been put in dungeons or concentration camps to find out that their captors had no control over their mind, so they still have the choice of what to do with their thoughts. The point is, they still had choice. Because of this, they cannot actually control you. Compared to these extreme situations, you should be able to see your free will inherent in any less extreme a situation that involves someone putting pressure on you to choose what they want you to choose.
Something most people don’t know is that even death itself is a choice. No matter how destroyed your physical body might be, your temporal self must align with your non temporal self in order to die. If the body is destroyed enough, your two points of perspective will often agree upon death. But comas are so often really about this lack of alignment of will between the physical and nonphysical.
There may very well be situations where the pressure they use their power to put you under will cause you to use your free will to choose to comply with what they want you to choose. There are situations where no one can even fault you for making that choice because anyone would. You have every right to feel however you feel about how unfair and immoral it is for them to put that pressure on your free will. The point is you must never, ever confuse the pressure and force they use with taking away your free will.
Get into reality and accept what needs to be accepted as quickly as possible. When we are using our free will to resist what is, we have no power. It is wasted energy. We are always at the effect of others and are fighting the situation we are in, instead of making immediate adjustments in response to it. For example, if someone refuses to accept the reality that the economy is collapsing, the decisions and actions they will take will absolutely not serve them. It is as pointless as playing a chess game and spending your energy denying that someone has just made a move instead of seeing it, accepting it and based off of that, making a counter move . Reality is your only axis for power. But often we will not see, feel, hear or accept reality. You have got to surrender to the truth of the situation at hand. That is very different than surrendering to the situation itself. If you surrender to truth, you are able to start making decisions and start taking actions relative to the actuality of what is occurring. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: How to Call BullS#!t on Denial. And my video titled: Reality.
When we feel powerless, all we are focused on is what we can’t do. It is as if the situation itself is closing doors and windows in our face. We tend to bang against those doors and windows, hoping that if we do that, someone will somehow take mercy on us and decide to open them. That’s not going to happen unless somehow the people who currently have power over those doors and windows decide that it is in their best interests to do so. You might be able to own your power by trying to convince them it is in their best interests to do so. This is the power of influence and persuasion at work. But it may just benefit you much more to put your energy towards looking for other doors and windows that might be open. Long story short, to own your power in any situation, you have to shift focus towards what you CAN do. In whatever situation you find yourself in, ask yourself: How and in what ways can I create, direct, influence or do something so as to bring about what I want?
Be true no matter what. To do this, you have to be honest with yourself. No one can control where you put your energy. Again, they can only put pressure on you to try to get you to decide with your free will to put your energy towards what they want you to put in towards. You have the control over what to put your energy and focus towards and into. You have control over your commitment because all commitment is, is to put your energy into something. Put your energy into what is true for you. Put it into what matters to you, what is meaningful and important to you. Commit your energy to your specific and individual values. Another way of saying this is that your power is really about staying as true as you possibly can to your values and what is important and meaningful to you specifically. This requires powerful authenticity. To understand more about authenticity, watch my video titled: How to be Authentic.
Realize that this is a fractal-based universe. And every single thing is imbued with consciousness. If you really, really get this, you have the ultimate answer to personal power. Everything that is outside you in this universe, is also inside you. Every conflict that exists externally is also a conflict that exists inside you. And everything has a consciousness that you can access. If you turn your attention towards feeling, seeing, hearing and knowing these parts inside you, and towards resolving those internal conflicts, you will no longer feel powerless. If you feel powerless relative to serial killers, find and integrate the serial killer in you and to the opposite, the part of you that is a match to being killed by one. If you feel powerless to viruses, find and integrate the part of you that is a virus and to the opposite, the part of you that is a match to being destroyed by a virus. If you feel powerless to narcissists, find and integrate the narcissist within you and find and integrate the part of you that is in resistance to the narcissist within you. This time space reality is a mirror dimension. Watch how this integration shifts the reflection, which is the external world. Watch how it changes your external approach to things you felt powerless to before. If you want more information on this, watch my videos titled: Fragmentation, the Worldwide Disease and Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How to Do It). If you perceive yourself to have no power relative to that which is on the outside, find that same thing within you and integrate it.
Put yourself in your own hands. To understand this concept, I want you to imagine yourself in the middle of a deep pool with a bunch of larger people. Because you don’t want to be responsible for swimming yourself and you see them as having more power in the situation than you do, you swim from person to person and with each one, you climb on top of them so that they can keep you afloat. The reason this diminishes your power is because you are now in their hands. It is up to them whether you sink or swim. You have made yourself their responsibility. If you sink, you can now make it their fault. This absolves you of pressure, but at the cost of your own power. See where you are doing this in your life. See where you are expecting them to be responsible for you and therefore putting yourself in their hands and simply hoping they do the right thing with you. For example, you might be doing this if you expect your abundance to come through a pay check from your boss instead of seeing your own skills as your venue for achieving abundance. You might be doing this if you expect your doctor to heal you instead of taking responsibility for your own health. You might be doing this if you expect other people to make decisions that affect your life. You might be doing this if you make your partner responsible for changing to be whatever way makes you feel good and powerlessly sinking into unhappiness in the relationship you are in, instead of actively taking steps to change the dynamic or choosing another partner. How can things related to your wellbeing be in your hands instead? Where do you think the power lies in this situation? How can you switch the situation so that it lies with you? People who intensely embrace responsibility have the most individual power.
Words have incredible power. Start using ones that honor you power instead of take it away. For example, change “I can’t” to “I choose not to” or “I wont”. So often when we say “I can’t”, we are recognizing a limit that doesn’t actually exist or not owning and taking responsibility for an actual limit we have. Change “he made me” to “he put pressure on me” or “I chose to”. Your words shape the way you think about yourself and the world around you on a deeply subconscious level. This includes language where you are blaming or making excuses. When we are not owning our power, we always have an excuse for why something we want did not come about or is not coming about. Pay attention to the language you are using to convey your reasons for doing or not doing something, your choices and decisions. You might be surprised how many excuses you make. Whenever your language absolves you of responsibility or ability, it absolves you of power as well.
Recognize, feel and build your confidence. If you don’t feel your personal power, it is because you are focused on what you have no confidence in, relative to the situation you are in. What do you have no confidence in relative to the situation that is causing you to feel you have no power? How could you increase your confidence in that situation? In what ways could you learn and grow in that area so as to build your confidence in the areas causing that lack of confidence? What do you have confidence in? Make a list. If you recognize where you have confidence in your life, the areas where you don’t won’t feel like they diminish you. For example, you may feel totally confident with cooking or being able to work with someone’s emotions or fix a car or paint or understand complex concepts or clean and organize. Really resource the confidence that you currently take for granted relative to those things. And remember, at one point in time, none of us felt confident walking. Now we are so confident about it that we take it so much for granted that we would not even think of putting it on the list of things we are confident about.
Get out of the position of the victim. The reality is that people are raped and murdered and taken advantage of and lied to and all of those things that fit into the category of being a victim. Those who hurt others were hurt themselves, so we are all victims of victims. You were the one who was hurt in the situation, but the rub of it is that doesn’t change anything. It still happened and it can’t un-happen. The only question you are left with is what are you going to do about it now? There is great value in expressing the emotions around being victimized and caretaking the part of you who has been victimized and continues to see itself as unable to get out of the position of being the one who is powerless and wronged. But once that has happened, complaining won’t actually change anything at all. In fact, it keeps you powerless because it is a cry for mercy from others. It is an attempt to put yourself in their hands. It is an attempt to cause them to see you as innocent and good so that you can gain their sympathy. You want to gain their sympathy to the degree that they will put their energy towards creating, directing, influencing or doing something so as to bring about what you need and want. Face the very hard question of what positive thing do I get or am I trying to get out of complaining to people or telling them how badly I was hurt by someone else? There has been so much badness attached to considering yourself a victim or victim mentality now that it is very hard for people to resolve the very real parts of themselves that have been victimized and it is very hard for people to look at and admit to their emotional attachment to staying in this role. I completely disagree with this shaming. There is no shame in whatever answer you get when you ask this question. There is only a decision to make about whether you want to maintain that position or whether a different approach serves you better. How might you have power in the matter instead?
We assume that fault implies responsibility. Perhaps one of the most important things to accept about life is that it doesn’t. Fault and responsibility don’t necessarily go together in a world where every being has power. And taking responsibility is not an admission of guilt. It is not letting someone who hurt you off the hook. It is a recognition of your personal power. It is an act of emotional self-preservation and empowerment. It isn’t a man’s fault that he had an abusive, alcoholic father. But even if it is his father’s fault, this doesn’t mean his father will ever take responsibility for picking up the pieces and righting his wrongs and fixing the son he abused. This means that if he wants a life that feels good, the ball is only in his court to pick up the pieces of himself and find new, fulfilling relationships and heal. It doesn’t matter if something in your life is someone else’s fault, you can’t guarantee that they will take responsibility for fixing it. This means the power and therefore the responsibility is in your hands even if it isn’t your fault to change the situation into what you want it to be instead. If you look at the word responsibility as if it is response-ability. You can ask yourself the question, how is it within my ability to respond? How do I have the ability and opportunity and capacity to respond to this situation so as to bring about what I want?
Wherever possible, commit to being in the position of cause instead of effect. This requires a mindset shift. We live in a universe based on the law of cause and effect. This means we will do things that affect others and others will do things that affect us. One of the best ways to own your power is to choose out of the position of being at the effect of others. This is something that entrepreneurs have figured out. If you are in the position to be fired, you are at the effect of your company and boss. Therefore, entrepreneurs have chosen to remove themselves from that position and be at the effect of themselves. A person who simply blames their partner in a relationship for the negative relationship pattern that is occurring, is at the effect of their partner. If however they recognize their own role in that pattern and change it, they have switched into the cause position in the universe, instead of staying in the effect position. Any time you are in a situation that feels like you are at the effect of someone or something else, ask how could I adapt to the reality of this situation so as to switch back into the position of cause instead of effect?
Follow the north star of your desires. Commit your energy to your desires, values, what is meaningful and what is important to you. Follow those things like a compass pointing you due north. As I’ve said earlier, to fully commit to something is to put all of your energy into something. This means mental, emotional and physical focus and actions. Your personal power is about being able to bring about what you want. This means commitment to following the north star of what you want, what is meaningful, important and what you value, is central to personal power. Doing this makes you a driver of your life instead of a passenger. This means being willing to be different, go in a different direction and stand out from the crowd. This means staying pointed towards your north star when people put pressure on you to stray from your course or try to make you wrong for what you want.
There are plenty of situations in life where it is in alignment to take a back seat with your power and to give others people’s power the drivers seat in a situation. Obsessing over having all the power implies relationship dysfunction in and of itself. There are plenty of situations where power isn’t about having the front seat or the back seat. But for the sake of your understanding about personal power, the final thing I ask you to see is that you can choose where and where not to give other people the power in any given situation. And this, in and of itself is power, because it is a choice!
When we perceive someone or something to have more power than we do; especially if that power gives them control or the right to make decisions, give orders or enforce obedience, we call it authority. Encountering authority, immediately makes us aware of our vulnerability. And the way we react to authority relates directly to the experiences we have had when we have been in that vulnerable position before. This is why so many people have “issues with authority and hierarchy.” For information on hierarchy, I suggest you watch my video titled: Hierarchy, Should We Accept It?
Before I continue with this lesson, I want you to take out a piece of paper and write down “what I could expect from my parents” on the top of the page. Underneath that, you’re going to make a list of what you could expect from them. Some examples may be: Caretaking, to have to fend for myself, to be guilted, to be praised, to be protected, to not be protected, to be valued and wanted, to be seen and treated like a burden and unwanted, to be invisible, honesty, for there to be dark truths underneath the surface of what was said and even done, disappointment, for them to take responsibility for me, for them to mess up, for them to make the right decisions, lots of mixed messages, for them to act in my best interests, for them to screw me for their best interests, to be supported, to be exploited etc. Write this list before you continue this video.
Now that you have written your list, make a short list of authority figures you have in your life, for example: The president, the monarchy, the government, someone with higher social status, someone with more knowledge, my boss, coaches, Teal Swan, any other spiritual leader, my professor, my doctor, police men, corporate executives etc. And see how closely your expectations or fears relative to them match this list that you just wrote. Do this comparison before you continue this video.
When we are born, our first authority figures are our parents. Beyond that, older siblings or older extended family members and beyond that, teachers and the parents of our peers. Essentially, our first imprinting relative to authority occurs within our interactions with the adults that were around us in our childhood. We learn to recognize and remember patterns by virtue of association. In our minds, however our first interactions went with our primary authority figures, is what we associate with authority in general. And this is where we become unconscious.
If you want to understand people’s very different reactions to what the powers that be in the world today are doing, simply know that people project their experiences with their primary authority figures onto any authority figures that they encounter in their adulthood. They expect the same experiences. To understand projection, watch my video titled: Projection (Understanding the Psychology of Projecting). For example, in response to this most recent Covid-19 crisis, a person who perceives themselves to have a loving, trusting relationship with their primary authority figures that they can rely on, will tend to say things like “the president is doing the very best job he can, we have to trust him to know what’s best for us.” Where as a person who perceives themselves to have an oppositional, distrusting relationship with their primary authority figures that they could not rely on will tend to say things like “this asshole is just in it for his own pocketbook no matter the cost to the average citizen, may god have mercy on us all.”
If what you are wanting is truth and clarity, it lies beyond projection. That is to say, all projection obscures the truth. For example, it opens the door for the possibility that we are projecting mal intent where there is actually mal intent, or we could be projecting mal intent where there is actually benevolence. We could also just as easily be projecting benevolence where there is actual benevolence as we could be projecting benevolence where there is actually mal intent.
Those of us who were much more fortunate in our experiences with authority figures in childhood, tend to project positive where it may or may not actually exist. Whereas those of us who were not so fortunate, tend to project negative where it may or may not actually exist. And we argue violently to preserve the validity of our own associations.
Perhaps the ultimate authority we have is the universe at large, what many call source or god. You will notice that your expectations of the universe mirror your expectations of your childhood authority figures. This has serious implications if you felt that one or more of the authority figures were adversaries. It means you feel the universe is against you. It also has serious implications if you had an un-predictable parent. It means you expect the universe to sometimes support you and sometimes destroy you. For more information about this, watch my video titled: I Can’t Trust the Universe, I Feel Like God is Against Me).
Our unconsciously held attitudes, and more than that feelings, towards authority figures can make a real mess of our ability to perceive and see things clearly as well as a real mess of our lives in general because of how it makes us respond to authority. It causes us to polarize towards hostility or over-compliance. It causes us to unconsciously play out the same experience in adulthood that we had with our primary authority figures as a child. It often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For this reason, it is important to recognize this pattern of projecting your primary authority figures in childhood onto authority figures in your adult life and to remember that the more in control of your own life you feel, the less of an issue you will have with authority.
Before you read the totality of this episode, I want you to go get your phone. Open up your contacts list and scroll through the names and relative to every name on that list, I want you to ask yourself “Do I feel like I have to placate this person?” Before you do this, let me explain what placation is. To placate someone is to make a person less hostile or to prevent potential hostility by doing something that appeases them. To understand placation, all you need to think of is a hostile situation. For example, a restaurant gives a refund to a customer who threatens to write a bad review. A civilian in war time pretends to be a member of the opposite side so as to not get killed. It is essentially any action taken with the specific intention of calming or preventing hostility. This means placation can be done in a situation where hostility is already present or where it is preemptively done because hostility is anticipated.
I’m going to give you some examples of how it might apply to your life. You buy someone something in order to prevent them turning against you. You compliment someone to calm them down when they react aggressively to something you did that they perceived as an insult. You get your work assignment done on time without ever asking any questions when you get stuck on it, so you never have to face the wrath or scrutiny of your bosses. You change your plans to attend something you don’t want to attend so as to avoid losing the friend who invited you. You put yourself down to prevent them from seeing you as a threat and all those consequences that would come as a result of them seeing you that way. You stay silent and deliberately don’t take the attention away from someone to prevent them from getting jealous of you and becoming an antagonist. You make sure to check in with a person and ask how they are doing to make sure you’re still ok with them and to make them feel like you care, so you never wander into the territory of being seen as an adversary. You tell them lies instead of the truth in order to avoid being ostracized.
Placation is felt as a tension and fear in the body. It is an incredible form of social pressure. The way you can tell if you are placating someone vs. connecting with them and doing things for them out of love is that you will be doing them with this background fear that if you don’t, they will turn hostile towards you and there will be a painful consequence because of that hostility.
Ok… keep this in mind while you feel for that emotional note of fear (fear that if you don’t do whatever appeasing thing, they will turn hostile) pause this video and do this exercise of scanning each person in your contacts list to see if you feel you have to placate them before you resume this video.
What did you find out? Are you really connecting with people? Are you doing things that please them out of love or out of fear about what will happen if you don’t? Do you feel really safe and secure in your relationships? Or are you spending the majority of your social energy placating the people in your life and feeling like it is impossible to be honest or authentic without them turning into enemies?
Some of you are probably feeling relieved to understand why you are under so much stress relative to the people in your life. Some of you are probably feeling pretty sick to your stomach about this realization right about now.
Why did you not notice this pattern so as to be able to name it before? Because you have become as acclimatized to living in dangerous, hostile environments and holding a hostile world view as a fish has become acclimatized to water. You’re used to it.
Don’t listen to what many psychologists and social experts say when they say that dysfunctional relationships and families are the rarity. They are in fact the vast majority relative to human social behavior. The fact that dysfunction is the norm is why we don’t call it dysfunctional any more than we called heads being put on a spike dysfunctional in the 1500s. At this point in time, families and relationships simply fall somewhere on the scale of dysfunction. Unfortunately/fortunately the more aware and conscious you become, the more you will recognize this.
In a dysfunctional family or in a dysfunctional relationship, there is a subconscious principal that governs the group or pair: Every man for himself. You can literally boil all the behaviors belonging to all the people that are part of a dysfunctional social system (such as manipulating, intimidating, triangulating, punishing, codependent strategies, narcissistic strategies and yes, this includes placating) to this: Everyone must find their own creative strategies to meet their own needs and to avoid harm in an environment where it is a guarantee that no one is going to take anyone else’s best interests as a part of their own best interests. It is the opposite of a safe and authentic relationship.
A dysfunctional relationship takes place in an atmosphere of hostility. But there are all kinds of words and behaviors employed to cover this truth up. Words like “I love you” and “we’re family and no matter what, we’re here for each other”. This is one of society’s main gaslights. To understand more about gaslighting, watch my video titled: Gaslighting.
Humans are a socially dependent species. And don’t think this is simply because of species evolution. It’s not only because being without a tribe that felt they wanted or needed us, meant death for millions of years. It’s because we are still relationally dependent. If you leave a human baby (and even child) out on its own, it is dead. End of story. And even when we grow up, whether you like to admit to it or not, there are needs that every person needs in order to thrive that in fact depend on being connected to and belonging with other people. This means we are put in a serious double bind when the very thing we need to survive and thrive is the very thing that we perceive as being hostile or potentially hostile to us. It means we have to develop strategies to stay aligned with and wanted by people who we feel could turn against us on a dime if we do anything to displease them.
I’m not going to gaslight you. You do not live in a world that is socially safe. People are not to a place yet where they have comprehended oneness at all levels. They are not at a place yet where they get that they need each other (and this includes everyone, not just ‘some people and not others’. Most people are operating from a narcissistic perspective without realizing it. Meaning “everything I’m doing, I do for my own best interests and I see you as ‘other’, so your best interests are not included in mine”. You know what that means? It means that some people are absolutely going to put you in a position to have to placate them. Even our government is set up to have to be placated by the civilian. But until we make this placation dynamic conscious and name it for what it is, we will have no hope of creating relationships that are different or a society that is different.
Until we make placation conscious, we will be staying in relationship arrangements that we shouldn’t, living inauthentic and dishonest lives that are out of alignment with our own integrity, placating in situations that placation is not actually required, because hostility is something that is being projected. And we will be doing it in subconscious, deterministic ways rather than conscious ways that are effective.
If placation is your norm, you become accustomed to unsafe relationships and not only perpetuate them, but stay in ones that are detrimental. Maybe you even stay in them because it’s safer than leaving. You do all this as opposed to creating safe relationships and finding people who are dedicated to creating safe relationships as well. To learn more about this, watch my video titled: How to Create a Safe Relationship.
If placation is your norm, your highest priority will not be honesty. In fact either lack of integrity, dishonesty and inauthenticity will be your way of placating people and you will self-sacrifice constantly or you will be walking a tight rope in a minefield trying to somehow placate people into to becoming ok with your truth so you don’t have to sacrifice your best interests completely. For this reason, you would benefit by watching my videos titled: How To Be Authentic, Integrity, What is Integrity and How to Build Integrity and Self Sacrifice, The Most Self Centered Thing In The World.
If placation is your norm, you most likely grew up in an environment where you adopted the perspective that the world is hostile and people are hostile. You had to placate one or more of the people in your early life and now because of this, you run the very real risk of projecting hostility or projecting the risk of hostility where it doesn’t actually exist. This tends to be especially noticeable with people who you perceive as having more power than you, such as authorities. This puts other people in a lose - lose situation. They are not all the things you are telling yourself they are, but it doesn’t matter. They are cast in the role of the dangerous guy in your head anyway.
If placation is your norm, you will not even be conscious that you are doing it. You will simply feel tension, anxiety, stress or even the panic of threat. You will then unconsciously experience a subconscious take over. You will begin to go into ‘placation autopilot’ and begin to do things to appease them or calm down potential or existing tension subconsciously. You will placate using the very same strategies you learned in your early childhood. There is no room to stop and realize what you are actually doing. If you stop and see what you are actually doing, you are in a place of free will and choice. Then you can decide if the situation actually requires placation or not. If not, you can relax. If so, you can decide how to best go about it in a conscious way. This may include finding effective placation strategies or finding ways to release resistance to and become more ok with the social consequence that the other person is giving you or potentially will give you. You can also decide what to do about the fact that you have a situation or person in your life where placation is required.
One thing that will totally change your relationship to placation is to realize that it is a narcissistic strategy. It is done for one person and one person only and that’s you (you includes things you’re identified with). You are placating to stay safe in a situation where you perceive the other person to be unsafe. For example, if you give that person a gift from a position of trying to placate them, you didn’t give them that gift so that they would feel good. You gave it to them so that you could be safe. It was a gift given for you, a lie told for your own sake, a concession made for your benefit, not theirs. You’re operating from the old paradigm: It’s every man out for himself.
You will most likely get confused when it comes to placation because placation involves so many loving gestures. When is it in-alignment to show love and not? You will ask. All you need to remember is that if you’re placating, you are doing things that some other parts of you might do to show love or to connect but there is fear present. Your motive for doing it is to calm down hostility or avoid hostility. You are doing it out of fear that there will be a consequence if you don’t do it. Or you are not doing it out of fear that there will be a consequence if you do do it. This is one reason why being aware of your actual motivation in any given situation (no matter how much of a bad person it makes you feel like you are) is so important. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening.
Another element that I must add here is that there is a shadow lurking in those who placate. That shadow is a lack of self-worth. People who have a chronic pattern of placating, have the understanding that people only turn hostile when they have decided they do not want or need the closeness or alliance of the person they are turning hostile towards. For example, if you really want or need closeness with a person because you love their company or because they have something you need, you are going to do everything to avoid a conflict with them. You will do this because you recognize value in them. If you have a pattern of placation, you feel that you must be the one who does the placating in every relationship because no one recognizes your value and so they don’t perceive themselves to need or want you and so they lack the motive to stay in alignment and close and on good terms with you. You personalize the hostility of your environment as being a comment on your own value and worth. For this reason, it will benefit you to watch my video titled: The Value Realization (A Realization That Can Completely Change Your Self Worth). And seeing as how you most likely got to this idea as a result of trauma from your childhood, such as living with a parent who was an adversary, it would benefit you to do a process that I created called The Completion Process. To learn this process, you can buy a copy of my book titled: The Completion Process or visit www.completionprocess.com and select a practitioner who can lead you through it.
If your social life is about placating, it is a serious issue. If you break it down, all life really is, is a collection of relationships with different things. If your life therefore is about placation, you will be living a stressed, tense, fearful, exhausting, in-authentic, dishonest, thousands of pounds of pressure life and wondering why you’re not doing ok. Your life will be non-stop assessment and obsession over whether you need to smooth anything over or prevent potential hostility.
There will always be some people who don’t mind putting you in a situation where you have to placate. But most people don’t want this. Most people would hate to know that the people around them were doing things that please them because of placation. This means that more people will be on board with helping you to end this dynamic than not. The ability to placate is an important social skill. But placation should never be your relationship style. You need to re-arrange your social life according to what your personal truth is relative to being around people who you need to placate. In my opinion, it should definitely not be your partner and it should not be the people whom you consider family or friends. If you feel you have to placate certain people, you need to have some serious heart to heart conversations with those people in your life about that feeling and collaborate with them about how to change that dynamic between you. The good and bad news is that you will be able to tell who you actually have to placate based on that conversation. Just be careful that in that conversation, you aren’t demonstrating that you are the one need to be placated.
Pay attention to your posture and notice those feelings of resentment, stress, obligation, anger, sadness or frustration when you think about doing something to establish rapport with someone else. Use those painful feelings as an alarm bell alerting you to the fact that you are in placation mode.
Be committed to directly naming it and talking about it when you feel that you are about to take an action to placate or have to do something to placate someone in order to stay safe and avoid hostility. For example, “I’m afraid that I have to placate you by coming to that party, because if I don’t come to that party, I am afraid that you’ll decide that I’m a crappy friend and abandon me.” And remember if you are committed to ending this pattern of placation, you should be asking yourself: How can I make people feel safe with me? How can I make people feel like they don’t have to placate me?
The human ego is so sensitive that an honest conversation that is safe is definitely a practice to master. But we should at least be trying to master it. Otherwise, we will be having relationships that are painful and not real. And that is exactly what a relationship based on placation is: Painful and not real.
Placation is currently a relationship style for people on earth. People so often feel the way to create a good relationship is to placate each other. But my question for you is: Is this what we want for our relationships? Is this what we want for our society and world?
Rejection is one of the most painful experiences that a person can go through. And it is also something that all people have experienced and will experience. Rejection can apply to all kinds of things. But when it comes to dealing with rejection on a personal level, what we’re really talking about is situations in which YOU or something about you is the thing being dismissed as inadequate, inappropriate or unwanted. It is essentially a NO relative to YOU in a situation where you want or need them to say yes to you; because them saying yes would feel like you are accepted and taken in by them as appropriate, wanted, and valued.
The biggest question you’re going to have if you struggle with rejection is: Why Me? Why am I the one not being accepted, wanted or valued? You will begin to subconsciously think things like: Why should I value me, if no one else does? The first thing to know about rejection is that it is perfectly normal to personalize things and to feel like crap when you’re in situations where you perceive yourself to have been rejected.
All pain boils down to some form of separation. When someone says NO to you or something about you, it is felt as a push away. The deepest need of the physical human is closeness and connection. We are biologically wired to maintain closeness with tribe, our survival depends on it, and so we are wired to feel actual physical pain when we are at risk of ostracization. So it would stand to reason that the deepest pain is to be pushed away by someone. It usually causes us to go into fight or flight mode, doubt our own value, to fear that we may never get our needs met and to feel and really, really lonely. This is compounded by the fact that when our self-esteem dips, in order to avoid the pain of more rejection and feelings of inadequacy, we tend to isolate ourselves.
You are not going to be able to get rid of the need for social acceptance. That is as ridiculous as a fish trying to get rid of the need to be part of a school of fish. What you can do is to recognize this need within yourself and respond to that need consciously and with your free will. For this reason, if you are struggling with rejection or the fear of rejection, you would benefit immensely by reading my book, the Anatomy of Loneliness (How To Find Your Way Back To Connection).
Instead of spending a long time helping you to understand rejection, I’m going to give you a list of points that will help you to change your perspective about rejection and overcome the pain of it.
Rejection is not a validation. Being rejected does not prove the validity or accuracy of something. For example, someone might reject something about you because they think it is bad or wrong. That does not mean that it is in fact bad or wrong. For example, if you were a blonde who was raised in a society that believed all blonde people were cursed by the devil and so you shouldn’t be near them, you would be rejected for being blonde. Would that rejection be a confirmation that being blonde is in fact bad and wrong? Stop taking rejection as validation that there is absolutely something bad or wrong about you.
Face your emotions about the rejection. There is nothing more worthless when it comes to the topic of rejection than ideas like “stop caring what other people think”. You are not going to get anywhere by telling yourself it is no big deal. All forms of rejection are immediately painful to a physical human. What makes the difference in recovery, is how a person deals with that pain or doesn’t deal with that pain. If you suppress, deny, ignore or bulldoze emotions, you will only amplify the problem. So admit to how you feel. Having feelings does not make you weak. Quite the opposite. If you need help with this, you can watch my videos titled: How To Feel and How to Express Your Emotion. And when you find these emotions, treat yourself with compassion.
When we believe that there is something wrong or bad about us and that is why we have been rejected, we slip into shame and make that shame worse by starting to beat ourselves up. We think that doing so will cause us to change something about ourselves so we will be valued one day. Our aggression turns towards ourselves. We begin to find fault with ourselves, kick ourselves when were already down and bemoan our perceived short comings. This only backfires in the end. We become furious because we feel powerless to beat ourselves into becoming whatever we believe would make us lovable.
The fear we feel because of this powerlessness converts itself into aggression and rage. We in essence begin to reject ourselves in response to rejection. We need to practice the opposite behavior… Self-valuing, self-acceptance, self-love and compassion towards ourselves. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Compassion and How To Cultivate Compassion. You may benefit by doing ‘parts work’ with the part of you that is rejecting you and the part within you that it is doing the rejecting. To learn how to do this, watch my video titled: Parts Work, What is Parts Work and How To Do It.
So many people are suffering from terribly low self-esteem. The core of this poor self-esteem is the feeling of not being valued. This is especially the case if they perceive themselves to have not been valued by their family members and/or peers in childhood. When we value something, we regard it as having worth to us because it is useful, important and beneficial. The realization however that can change your self-esteem completely is that. Value is entirely based on needs. “Worth” is a completely abstract concept. You cannot objectively determine the value of something. Worth has no basis in reality because it’s entirely subjective. It is a guarantee that you or the things about you will be seen as valuable to someone. If value were entirely based on needs. The most important questions to ask yourself are: Who needs me? And what do I need about me? To understand this concept in depth, watch my video titled: The Value Realization.
When we struggle with rejection in our adult life, it is a guarantee that we have experienced rejection in our childhood and that the “rejection wound” has not healed. For this reason, resolution work relative to the original wounding is important. It is akin to facing and healing the cracked foundation of the house of your self concept. For this reason, you would benefit by doing a process that I created called The Completion Process. I have a book that I have written that details the process that is quite literally titled: The Completion Process. You can also visit www.completionprocess.com and select a practitioner to take you through the process.
People who really suffer from rejection and the fear of rejection tend to have fixed mindsets and not believe that things are changeable. This is to say that they suffer from a sense of powerlessness and futility even relative to things they absolutely do have power over and absolutely can change. This is why rejection tends to make them feel hopeless about the future. It is really important that you change to a ‘growth’ mindset. A mindset that does not see things as set in stone, most especially the self. Our personalities and behaviors are in essence, adaptations to our environment. This means, authenticity and integration and healing will change your personality and behaviors. Life is flexible and you are flexible. Face and seek to understand and change your perspectives regarding your own perceptions of powerlessness and your perceptions that things are fixed and unchangeable and therefore inevitable.
So much about the fear of rejection and the pain of rejection is because we do not have close and intimate enough relationships with people. We aren’t asking them enough questions. We are not really taking the initiative to see into, feel into, listen to and understand them. Instead, we are stuck with ourselves and our own needs. We tell ourselves a story about why people are rejecting us. We add meaning that actually does not exist. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Meaning, The Self Destruct Button. Essentially, most of us aren’t brave enough to discover the real reason why.
We need to be brave enough and initiate putting energy forth towards learning from the rejection. Spending the time and energy in order to totally understand the real reason behind WHY we are being rejected by them can do one of two things. 1. It can make us self-aware. This puts us in a place of choice. We often do not understand how we are being perceived by others. We all have that friend who has a behavior that hurts people. We know this is why we don’t invite them to get togethers etc. But we are too afraid to tell him. If you were him, would you want to know so that you could decide to change it or not? 2. It can help us to understand that so often them saying NO to us has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them… their own traumas and needs and wants. It can even have to do with things we would never have thought of, things that are in no way related to us or our value. Remember, really nice and valuable things are rejected every day by people who can’t afford them.
It can also bring to the surface the fact that what is really happening is incompatibility. Incompatibility can happen in a business setting, a family setting, a romantic setting and anything in between. To understand this concept in depth, watch my video titled: Incompatibility, A Harsh Reality in Relationships. Be brave enough to stop telling yourself stories about the rejection and directly talk to them instead. Tell them you really, really want the brutal, honest truth. And develop enough intimacy and ask enough questions to discover the real why.
Something that most people don’t know is that out of rejection comes your biggest sense of direction. I often talk about emotions serving as a kind of compass. Rejection can be a compass as well. This is even more the case when you are brave enough to discover the real reasons why. For example, I know a man who discovered that the real reason he was being rejected by women shortly after they became his girlfriend was because they all felt he was unavailable. He looked deeply into himself for his personal truth. He could have put tons of effort into learning how to be available in relationships. But he was a journalist. He decided that his real priority was his work, not a romantic relationship. So instead, he decided to do a course correction and specifically look for and date women who were extremely busy themselves and who wanted casual romance in their lives instead of a committed relationship where he would be needed.
To use myself as another example, in the beginning of my career, I was rejected more than a few times by people in the business of hiring spiritual teachers to speak. When I had direct conversations with them, they told me that they were interested in hiring empowering speakers, who left the audience feeling amazing and empowered after attending the speech. As opposed to me, who got up on stage and told them the truth, even if it was painful. They said people don’t return the next year, unless the speakers make them feel amazing. This feedback made my direction very clear. When I really looked deep inside myself, I realized that my calling is to be a truth teller, no matter if the truth feels good or bad. This realization directed me towards rebranding, as well as towards doing my own events catered towards people who wanted the truth and real healing based off of that truth, as opposed to people who wanted inspiration or simply to feel relief. Another person, given the same feedback might have realized that their compass was pointing them in the direction of creating more feel-good speeches. The point is, rejection can give you a strong sense of direction, if you let it. You can turn rejection into something that dramatically benefits your life.
Reach out to people or groups where you do feel valued and accepted and to people whom you feel an affinity with. Really initiate learning how to develop deep, meaningful friendships with people. When we feel afraid of rejection or experience the pain of rejection, we compound our own ostracization by isolating ourselves and by adopting behaviors that guarantee further ostracization. When we really need to do the opposite. When we experience the pain of rejection, we become “inflamed” emotionally and physically. Being near people who accept and value you will help this inflammation to die down and this pain to be soothed. Part of this is because it secures our currently highly unstable need to belong. If we have been rejected, our need for belonging is threatened. You need to meet this need. For this reason, you would benefit by watching my videos titled: Belonging and How To Belong as well as Instant Belonging.
Pain tries to convince you that you’re the only one in it, that you’re the only one who is being rejected when everyone else is being valued and loved and accepted. But it isn’t the truth. Everyone gets rejected for something. The most valuable people in history, people like Jesus and Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King were rejected to the degree that some of them were jailed and even killed. So rejection says nothing about your actual value. And everyone feels pain when they get rejected. Whether that pain turns into suffering or not depends upon how that pain is dealt with. It depends on whether we use it to find deeper awareness, personal truth and direction. And consider that when you feel you are being rejected and therefore prevented from having something good, that might just be the universe re-directing you towards something better.