Even though they don’t see it about themselves, the majority of parents want to control their child. They want the power to make their child’s behavior be what they want it to be and make the course of events in that child’s life be what they want it to be, and for the sake of their own best interests. Essentially, they want to make their child conform to what they, as the parent wants and needs. And parents use all kinds of manipulative parenting tactics to achieve this aim. Today, I am going to make you aware of one of these manipulation tactics. It is a manipulation tactic that adults use on adults to control them as well. But it is particularly prevalent in the parent-child dynamic. The recognition of this pattern can go a long way towards not only breaking free from control, but also towards increasing your self-esteem.
To generalize, it tends to be hard for most parents to differentiate between their own best interests and their child’s best interests. They tend to imagine that what they want and need and what is good for the child, is one and the same, even when it isn’t. And because each and every one of our human egos are desperate to see itself and be seen as good and right, we can easily hide our own self-centered motives under the belief that what we are doing, is for the best interests of our child, when it is really for our own best interests. This is why, as parents, we need to be so very conscious about whether something is actually best for our child, or whether it is best for us. Because if we can’t differentiate this, we run the risk of controlling our child for the sake of our own best interests.
One of the unfortunate ways that parents control their child, is through the Cut Down for Control technique. The pattern works like this: A parent cuts their child down to size (which means to humble them by deflating their sense of self-worth, potential, power, value or importance) so as to keep their self-esteem low enough that the child will continue seeking to earn the experience of being valued, approved of, validated and their greatness being seen, by the parent. The parent lays out what it will take to gain those things, which is doing what they want the child to do for the sake of their own wants and needs. They will tell the child and tell themselves that the child doing those things, is for their own good. When really, it is their way of keeping the child on the hook and getting the child to do what suits them.
There are so many techniques that a parent may use to cut a child down to size. Just to give you a taste, they may shame the child, belittle the child, demonstrate that the child is not important and is not the priority, deliberately tell the child that other things are more important than they are, say things that cut a child down to size like “the world doesn’t revolve around you” or “that’s good at least for your age.” Negatively compare the child to other children, ignore the child, act unimpressed by or underrate the child’s performance or creations, insult the child, remind the child of his or her inadequacies or weaknesses when he or she experiences an achievement, look at the child with contempt or disgust, be sarcastic towards the child, mock the child, set unrealistic and unattainable standards for the child, leave no room for mistakes and get completely emotionally dysregulated when mistakes are made, never be satisfied with the child, make fun of the child, refuse to spend money on the child or leave bargain stickers on the things bought for them and the list goes on and on. Any and all of these things deflate a child’s self-worth and humiliate the child. They reduce the child to a lower position in their own eyes and in the eyes of others.
The problem is, a child’s existence revolves around their parents. The parent is essentially the god of their world. The need for your parents to value you, to hold you in high esteem, see your potential, approve of you and validate you is deeply embedded in your being, whether you like it or not. And it stays with people often throughout their entire adulthood. Some people are still trying to get these things from their parents when they are old enough to be retired and their parent is on their death bed. Because of this, when a parent cuts their child down to size, it creates a dynamic where the child essentially gets on an emotional rat wheel of desperately and forever trying to earn or gain these things that they are desperate for from their parents. And to do this, the child has to be and do what pleases the parent. Just like a rat wheel, the child never gets anywhere, not even in their adulthood, because the parent subconsciously knows that they can only guarantee that the child will do what they want the child to do (they can only control them) if the child never really gets it… Only a crumb once in a while to keep the child wanting more. And a parent does not have to be smart to create this dynamic, nor do they even need to be conscious of what they are doing.
So that you can understand this deeper, here is an example. Madison was born to a mother with very low self-esteem and who has a big anxiety problem. Whenever Madison behaved in a confident way or acted like she was proud of herself, it triggered her mother because it caused her mother to feel like Madison was gearing up to be bigger and more powerful than her. Thus, out of her control. So, her mother decided that it was very important for Madison to be a humble person and took it upon herself to humble her. When Madison would ask her mother for things, her mother would walk around the room like a princess mocking her and telling her “what would you like instead, Queen Sheeba?” And say “I’m not your servant!” Her mother went out of her way to demonstrate that her younger brother deserved the attention or that reading her book was more important than attending to whatever she needed. When Madison brought home grades demonstrating an A minus, her mother would fixate on the minus and on what she had to do to change it to a plus. When Madison won a trophy for gymnastics her mother said “the fact that this culture reveres athletes and sports like it does, is just more proof of this country’s poor priorities. But I’m glad for you if this is what matters to you.” Despite being more than able to afford it, her mother refused to take her shopping and would have her friends give her hand me down clothes for Madison, despite knowing that Madison hated it. She told Madison that she was just going to outgrow everything, so it didn’t matter that she had new things. When Madison did things that displeased her, she would throw open the windows and yell “you can come pick her up now.” As if she was yelling for extraterrestrials. You get the picture. Madison’s self-esteem was systematically destroyed.
And so, she got on the hamster wheel of trying to please her mother. Desperately trying to reach mom-approved achievements, meeting her own needs and preoccupying herself for hours in her own room so she was not a burden to her mother, dressing like her mother wanted her to dress, writing her mother words of affirmation cards and the list goes on and on. Her mother likes it this way. This way, Madison doesn’t put pressure on her to meet Madison’s needs. This way Madison keeps cleaning her room and dressing how she wants her to dress. This way Madison competes with her younger brother for who has the best behavior, which is a built in mechanism for both children to be the most pleasing to her. This way Madison keeps affirming her. This way Madison does the things that her mother can brag about to her friends to make herself look good. Madison is under control. She is being controlled according to what is in her mother’s best interests. Only, it is clear that what is in Madison’s best interests is not a part of her mother’s best interests. Of course, Madison’s mother would never tell you this. She would tell you that all of it is for Madison’s best interests. After all, she is raising Madison to be a humble person who is very independent, cleans her room, gets perfect grades, dresses correctly, is achievement oriented and who honors her elders. All things that she could argue are in Madison’s best interests. I hope you felt the gaslight there.
When Madison became a teenager and realized that she would never be good enough to please her mother, she stopped conforming to her mother’s needs and desires and as a result, became the family scapegoat. But the need for her mother to value her, to hold her in high esteem, approve of her and validate her didn’t go anywhere. She just entered into a horrible, lifelong internal struggle between wanting to do what was best for herself and yet, trying to do what would make her mother hold her in high esteem.
If you are a parent watching this video, your takeaway from this video should be that it is crucial that you deeply explore what actually is and what actually is not in your child’s best interests. A big, big part of doing this, is to differentiate between your child’s best interests and your own. This way, we can be on top of the potential parenting shadow of hiding our own personal needs and desires under the veil of “it’s what’s best for my child”. In addition to this, it is critical to recognize the impact of our words and actions as parents. We cannot raise a healthy child who will become a healthy adult who can have healthy relationships if we are cutting our child down to size. We are setting them up for tons of pain, if not failure in life. This means, notice if or when you are cutting your child down to size and resolve whatever personal issue of yours that sits at the root of your need to do so. In addition to this, become conscious of the fact that this is a tactic you are using to keep your child under control and admit to exactly how cutting them down to size accomplishes this aim. What behaviors and actions are you looking to get out of your child as a result of what you are doing. You need to recognize this as a form of manipulation. As a parent, we should be the number one person who makes our child feel important, who sees their potential, who values our child, who helps them to step into and feel their own power and who holds him or her in high esteem. And if our child does not feel like we feel this way about them, it is us, as parents that need to adjust what we are doing.
If you are someone who recognizes that you had a parent that used, or still does use the “Cut Down for Control Technique” on you, the time has come to break out of this manipulative control tactic. To do this, first, you need to attune to and notice the self-esteem hits that are designed to cause a deflation in you. Chances are, you have become so accustomed to being hurt by your parent in this way, that you are desensitized to it. You are normalized to it. You need to re-sensitize to it and stop normalizing it. A good way to re-sensitize yourself to it, is to imagine YOU saying what they said or doing what they did to you, but to your own child, or to any other child that you know and really look at what the impact on that child would be. Don’t get stuck on childhood. You can imagine yourself having a grown up child too and doing the same thing to them.
When you notice your parent speaking or acting in a way that cuts you down, you need to immediately remember that it is a control tactic. With each hit, ask yourself: “What outcome is my parent trying to get by saying this to me?” “What purpose does it serve?” You need to seriously question whether the cut down it is FOR your best interests, like you’ve been led to believe, or whether it in fact serves their own best interests at your expense.
This is a control tactic, something your parent is using to keep power over you, so that you are underneath them and stay on the rat wheel of doing what pleases them. What this means is that your parent does not and will not accurately reflect the truth about you. You will not get an accurate reflection of the truth of your power, potential, value, worth, excellence, importance or anything else from them. Because deep down your parent thinks that it is not in their own best interests to give you that reflection. Doing so threatens them in some way. And not doing so benefits them in some way. The question for you to answer is: How does doing so benefit your parent specifically and how does not doing so benefit your parent specifically?
Given that your parent cuts you down to control you, control is the reason you keep getting the picture that they hold you in such low esteem. And this means, your worth and your value and your power and your potential and your excellence and your importance is actually much, much higher than you have been led by them to believe.
