One of the main reasons that human beings are so deeply disturbed as a species is because they go against and deny their own nature. Humans have had a big problem with being human and with human nature for thousands of years. So many of the elements of human society, governments and religions exist to control suppress, deny and fight against what it is to be human. And the very sad reality is that a big part of a being’s nature is their needs. As a part of this war humanity has waged against their own nature, they have decided to go against their own needs. And the need that they have perhaps gone against the very most aggressively, is their need for each other. Adult humans desperately seek for their dependency needs to be met, while at the very same time, denying that they exist. For this reason, we need to talk about dependency needs.
Human beings are a superbly relationally dependent species. If you look to infancy, you will discover that a human infant is entirely dependent on its adult caregivers. It is dependent for all of its needs on its adult caregivers for a very, very long time compared to other species, which we are perfectly able to recognize as relationally dependent. For example, a bison is able to stand and walk within 10-30 minutes after it is born. They nurse for six months before transitioning to grass. By three years, they are fully grown. Compare this with a human child. We can recognize that in order to thrive, a herd animal, such as a bison or a group animal like a guinea pig must be with others of its kind. And we recognize that this need does not go away once they reach a certain age. This means, we are able to recognize dependency needs in other species. But we have a real issue with this when it comes to ourselves. And this is a real tragedy because human beings are one of the most naturally social and naturally relationally dependent species in existence.
I’m going to start this conversation by exposing a truth and then, we are going to unpack it. The truth is this: As a person, you have dependency needs. And this is true for the totality of your life. This means, you have dependency needs as an adult. These are needs that you either cannot give yourself. Or needs that even if you can give them to yourself too, that does not remove the need get them from others. In order to thrive and be healthy on a physical, emotional, mental and spiritual level, you need these dependency needs to be met. I’m going to give you a basic list of what these dependency needs are: Connection, belonging, trust, prioritization, empathy, presence, affection, words of affirmation, communication, sex, emotional support, physical support, expression (sharing one’s thoughts and feelings with others), co-regulation, contact comfort, attention, a sense of community, love, warmth, intimacy, quality time, gifts, companionship, commitment, to feel wanted and needed, relational security (that we are safe in our relationships), protection, to feel valued and to be appreciated. I can guarantee that if I sat here long enough, I could come up with way more too.
These dependency needs are non-negotiable needs for human wellbeing. Without them, we starve on the level(s) that the need is meant to satiate. And when we starve, we cope with that pain in very unhealthy ways. We fall into addictions. We become mentally ill, emotionally ill and physically ill. And many even die or resort to suicide. These needs are not a sign of weakness. And they are not a sign of immaturity.
So, why have you been led to believe that you can be independent. And worse than that, why have you been led to believe that the most mature and awakened person is a person who does not need others, because they can meet the needs they have from others, in, of and for themselves? The answer is: The reality of dependency scares the crap out of people. Dependency has become a dirty word. And especially in Western cultures, where self-soothing and self-sufficiency have become the goal, independence is pushed on children as early as possible. Why does dependency scare us so badly? Because it makes us feel powerless to things external to us. In this case, other people. If we did not receive our dependency needs adequately from our significant relationships in our early life; and even worse, if we were harmed by those who we depended on to meet our dependency needs, we become desperate to not be dependent on others. We create and adopt and latch on to social and spiritual ideologies that promote the idea that we do not need things from other people. That everything we need, we can get from within. We find ways to be the least dependent on others as we can be. It makes a great many people with trauma around their dependency needs (especially those whose dependency made them feel harmed by others) feel empowered to think that they can meet all of their needs themselves. And at the same time, it retraumatizes a great many people with trauma around their dependency needs (especially those whose trauma was forced independence) to be told that they don’t need others and instead, need to meet the need for themselves.
The problem is, when we do this, we slip into a delusion that we are convinced is the ultimate reality… The most spiritually awakened reality. In the modern world, independence has become an illness that the vast majority of people are infected with. People have become so ill with the illusion of independence that they don’t even see their dependence. They feel independent if they can get in their own car and drive to the store to get food with their own money. They don’t realize that in order to do that, they are dependent on all the people who manufactured the car, on every person involved in the process of making sure there is fuel available for the car, they are dependent on the store and the entire process the store goes through to put food on the shelves. They are dependent on the financial system, which implies a dependence on the government. They are dependent on the food they bought to sustain them. It’s just an illusion of independence that they have. People simply seem to have an easier time depending on a carrot to sustain their physical bodies than they have depending on a friend or partner to feel secure in the world. Emotional dependency is the thing that people struggle with the very most, because it is the thing that seems the very hardest to control. We feel we can control being able to get fuel for our car. We don’t feel we can control whether we can get someone to love us. And when people feel they can’t control things and are therefore are at someone else’s mercy, they do anything they can to wriggle out of that position. They try to find any possible way back to a sense of personal empowerment again. Even if they have to do so at the expense of themselves.
People also like to tell themselves that to depend on others is to be co-dependent. This is not the truth. In fact, I’m really upset that we decided to use that name for the relational strategy people are describing when they use this term. Co-dependency is not about dependency. It is about choosing not to maintain a sense of self within the context of relationships. If you want to learn more about this, I suggest you watch three of my videos. The first titled: Codependency Has Nothing to do with Dependency. The second titled: Dependence vs Independence. And the third titled: How Has It Come to This? The Societal Collapse into Independence.
Spiritually speaking, to deny your dependency needs using any spiritual ideology is not a transcendental state of being. It is a state of disconnection, separation and ego masquerading as awakened-ness. It is also a profound dis-ownership of your temporal, human aspect. It is illness masquerading as health.
The surest way to corrupt and destroy yourself, is to deny your dependency needs. The surest way to destroy another being is to deny them of their dependency needs. The surest way to destroy the fabric of human society is to deny that people have dependency needs. The reality is that nothing is an island unto itself. No person is an island. The reality is that this universe, this world and this human society is deeply, deeply interdependent. This interdependence is a system of connectivity and health. Interdependence, which involves the conscious meeting of each other’s dependency needs, is what will create a safe human society in which people can thrive and navigate life on earth.
