Chances are, you have been socialized to believe that to be included and valued and loved by other people you have to be a good person. Basically, you have to be a good person to get your needs met in human society. The worst thing in the world is to be selfish. Because of this, you have been taught to abandon your best interests for other people’s best interests. The thing is, this is a huge crossing of your wires and as a result, though you see yourself as a good guy for abandoning your best interests, abandoning your best interests makes you a covert bad guy.
You have heard me talk a lot about the zero sum game in relationships. A zero sum game being “I win and you lose”. It is not possible to create a relationship that will work if there is a zero sum game being played. The reason is that trust cannot exist within a zero sum game. To trust someone is to rely upon someone to capitalize on your best interests. So obviously in a zero sum game, the opposite is occurring. An example of a zero sum game is a couple where one person has decided that they want an open relationship and the other wants a monogamous relationship. If the person who wants an open relationship simply goes and sleeps with other people, he or she is playing a zero sum game. If the person who wants a monogamous relationship says “tough, you committed to me so we’re in a monogamous relationship” he or she is also playing a zero sum game. There is no win-win in the scenario. To understand trust, which is the most important part of a relationship, watch my video titled: What is Trust and How To Build Trust in Relationships.
Parents and caregivers are the ones who teach children to play zero sum games in relationships. This is because a child is treated as sub-human. An adult has more power and tends not to accommodate a child’s best interests, especially when that parent is convinced that they know what is best for the child. For example, if child is miserable in a certain situation, a parent will usually say, “You’re going anyway” and invalidate the child’s perspective in some way. But many parents take it one step further. When their child expressed his or her best interests, they shame their child for it. They call their child selfish for it. They teach their child that to be good and to have a chance at meeting any of their needs and to show their parents love, they should abandon their best interests. The child is literally systematically programmed to disown his or her best interests.
When we have disowned our best interests, we have swung to the opposite side of the pendulum from people who are so attached to their own best interests that they refuse to accommodate other people’s best interests. The funny thing is, this opposite pendulum swing also creates a zero sum game. We have created a set up. The set up is that when we disown our best interests, we force other people around us to enter into a zero sum game that they never knew they were playing and never intended to play and none the less, we punish them for it.
In a business situation, it is expected that whatever other business you are doing business with, will acknowledge your best interests and if there is now way to accommodate them, then there is no business deal. The best interests of the two companies would then be considered incompatible. Therefore the conversation is no longer about how to create a business deal. It is about what to do in light of the incompatibility so that both parties feel resolved about there being no business deal. Seems straightforward right? But we have a hard time realizing that for a relationship to be good, the relationship has to run the same way. We don’t commit to creating win-wins in our relationships. We don’t change or end relationships with people who play zero sum games. Instead, we bank on the fact that the other person’s best interest is to stay with us and so we give ourselves room to play zero sum games with them. We keep people as partners and friends even though they play zero sum games because we think not being alone is in our best interests. We don’t want to face incompatibility in relationships. For this reason, I highly suggest you watch my video titled: Incompatibility, a Harsh Reality in Relationships.
Something most people don’t get is that facing incompatibility is part of accommodating both your and other people’s best interests. A fish can’t be in the air and a bird can’t be underwater. If a third option can’t be found, it is in the best interests of both to face that incompatibility rather than to demand that a fish fly or a bird swims.
In a relationship, just like in good business, you need to really know what your best interests are and really own them. When you own them, you are taking responsibility for caretaking those best interests. A big part of this is clearly communicating what your best interests are to people in your life. Not doing this sets a person up to be a bad guy even when they aren’t.
I often say that all it takes to become a narcissist around a person who is really codependent is to have an opinion, take the lead, be honest or ask for something. The reason is that a person who adapts this codependent style of relationship interaction, disowns themselves in order to meet their needs covertly. This includes their best interests. The person who disowns their best interests, does not take any responsibility for caretaking their best interests or communicating them. Instead, they expect the people in their lives to be psychic. They expect them to not only be psychic so as to know what their best interests are, but also for people to own and therefore take the full responsibility of their best interests for them.
Underneath this behavior, is the programmed belief/expectation that if this other person loved them, he or she would sacrifice their own best interests for them. This is after all how they have been trained to show their love to mom and dad and everyone else in their life. It only makes sense that other people would reciprocate. But the thing is, they don’t. And then they get to see those people as total self centered, narcissistic ass holes. This moral judgment about what people should do (and especially should know to do) relative to the best interests that were never even communicated, demolishes relationships.
This is a big reason why some people feel like they are constantly self-sacrificing to all the selfish people in their lives. The thing is, the people in their lives have been expected to be psychic about their best interests and know when yes means no. And they have been expected to own best interests that were never even communicated, keep transactions they never knew they were getting into and sacrifice their own best interests to prove their love.
It’s tempting to see these self sacrificing people who are always conforming to the best interests of others as the good guys… As the ones who are saintly and used by everyone. Don’t jump to this conclusion so fast. Have you noticed that everyone around them are bad guys? Perhaps that isn’t because they actually are bad guys. Everyone around them seems to be playing a zero sum game with them. Perhaps it’s because are they setting everyone around them up to play a zero sum game that those people don’t even know they are playing.
I’ll give you an example of this dynamic. Someone I know started a business. She figured that it would be a good opportunity for a friend of hers (who hated his job) to offer for him to come work with her and start the company with her instead. She paid him a salary. When the articles of incorporation were written, 100 percent ownership of the company was written to the name of the woman who started the business. The man who had quit his job to work with her to start the business knew this and said nothing about it. Years later, this friend wanted to move into a different house with his girlfriend. Because it cost more money than he had, he approached her to ask for twenty thousand dollars. She was totally shocked during that conversation to find out that without ever communicating the expectation, he had not seen the opportunity she gave him as an opportunity to work as an employee, but instead saw himself as a business partner and instead expected that because he started the business with her, regardless of what the articles of incorporation said, that she would simply give him a portion of the company or buy him a house when he needed it or at the very least give him a lump sum of money that a partner in a company would be entitled to, incase he ever ask for it. It was a transaction that she never knew she was getting into. A debt she never knew she was accruing. It was one she would have said no to from the beginning. But nonetheless, her refusal to agree with his estimation of the situation and her refusal to conform to his vision of what being a good person in the situation would mean, she got to be branded as the narcissistic bad guy and their relationship still has not recovered from it. She wasn’t actually playing a zero sum game, but the man in this scenario thought she was. Really, it was him that did not own his best interests or communicate them from the get go, so they could never be accommodated in the first place.
If I had a quarter for every time I’ve been sitting with a woman who is complaining about how selfish her husband is and how he never takes the best interests of the kids or her into consideration because he never spends time with them, only to watch him call and say he’s gonna be home late; to which she says “Ok sweetheart, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow” and then hangs up the phone and rolls her eyes as if the call was a validation of what she’s been saying, I’d be a rich as hell.
By not owning your best interests, you make it impossible to consider you or accommodate those best interests. You make it impossible to find a win win. You also make it impossible to figure out that there is incompatibility that needs to be faced in the relationship until it’s so late that the incompatibility will create serious pain to you both. If you don’t own your best interests, you are very dangerous to be in a relationship with because you unconsciously frame people.
Whether you directly own your best interests or not, you can’t get rid of them like you think you can. They are essentially needs. If you try to disown your needs, all that happens is that you will manipulate to get them met. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Meet Your Needs. If the pattern of disowning your best interests runs deep enough, the way you will covertly meet your needs and unconsciously manipulate to meet your best interests is through the pity you get for being the victim. You will turn everyone around you into the bad guy so that you see yourself as good and so that other people see you as good and you get the kickbacks of being the underdog, even when you actually aren’t.
The nicest person in the world could be forced by you into a zero sum game they never knew they were playing and definitely never wanted to win, if you disown your best interests. So, even if it is terrifying and runs totally counter to everything you’ve been taught, the time had come to re-own them. The time has come to really become conscious of what your best interests are in any scenario and to clearly communicate them. Love is not about self-sacrifice. Love is about finding the win-win. Love is about mutual accommodation of each other’s best interests and consciously facing incompatibility if no win-win exists.
As you probably already know by now, people can have all kinds of things that they, themselves are totally unconscious of. In fact, our conscious mind may completely contradict our subconscious mind. For example, we may consciously think and say that we love helping people, but the deeper truth is that we hate it and we only do it so that we get appreciation and guaranteed alliance with people. We may have suppressed our anger long ago and as a result, even though we are very angry, we don’t notice that we feel angry and think of ourselves instead as a super peaceful person. One of these unconscious patterns plays out in our friendships and partnerships, and if not seen and resolved, can ruin relationships entirely.
The pattern that is unconscious and that makes you (who consciously sees yourself as a friend and ally) actually a foe on a subconscious level, is the need to be the person who ‘reflects their shadow to them’. In less spiritual circles, this is the need to be the one who can ‘call them on their shit’. This is a position where you can feel a lot of pride in your relationships. But the identification you have with being able to do this for someone does not come from a healthy place. It is not the loving position that you tell yourself it is.
People in the awareness community use the word “shadow” to mean two different things. 1. Something that a person is unaware of and is therefore unconscious of and 2. Something about them that is either bad, wrong or out of alignment. If I had my way, we would stop using the word shadow for both things. A shadow is something that a person is unconscious of. When they become conscious of it, it is no longer a shadow. Some of the things that we become aware of about ourselves, we and/or others judge to be bad and wrong. Any time we have this judgment, we need to question it. That being said, sometimes we can accurately feel the “offness” of certain patterns within ourselves or others. Meaning that something a person is thinking, saying or doing, is not in alignment with their desires, wellbeing and perhaps the wellbeing of others. This pattern of being out of alignment in some way is often what people call someone’s “shadow”. I would rather this be called someone’s misalignment.
What you have to consider is that there is a potential that you might be projecting that something is “off” about someone when it is you that is off. It is quite common for us to perceive someone as misaligned any time something they are thinking, saying or doing is out of alignment with our desires for them. And our desires for them are usually because of what we want for ourselves. A better way of putting this is that we run the risk of thinking someone is out of alignment with their desires, wellbeing and the wellbeing of others when what they are out of alignment with is our overlay. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Overlay, What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship.
When it comes to this particular pattern we are talking about today, it is you that is misaligned. It is obvious that if people are close to us, they may perceive things about us that we are not aware of. They may see when we are misaligned. When a person in our life really loves us, the energy behind them making us aware of these things is an assist. It feels pure because there is no subconscious strategy on their end. But if there is a subconscious strategy behind this “reflection”, no matter how much the person thinks they are telling us what they are telling us for our own good, it will feel like they are taking something away from us, instead of adding to our wellbeing by assisting us.
Taking pride in (or being identified with) being the one who reflects someone’s shadows to them (or who calls them on their shit) feels bad because it is a power play. It has the energy inherent within it of “I challenge you and I oppose you” not “I assist you”. If you have this shadow, you distrust people at the core. You have slipped into the illusion of self vs. other. You are not practicing love because you do not actually see other people as a part of yourself. Therefore, what you can’t see about yourself is that you call people on their shadows out of fear. It is all about your sense of wellbeing rather than it is about the wellbeing of the person you are trying to reflect something to.
The reality is that if you have this shadow, you already see the person you are needing to ‘call on their shadows’ as the bad guy whether you admit to it or not. You therefore distrust their capacity to see themselves and distrust their internal compass and distrust them with yourself and distrust them with others. And so, on a subconscious level, you try to use their vulnerability against them for the sake of your own safety. When you are able to show them something that they don’t see about themselves or call them on their shit, it feels like a win for you. In that moment, you get to feel the boost of a sense of safety and self-confidence that comes with superiority. You have one-upped them.
When this pattern becomes even unhealthier is when you try to endear yourself to someone with this pattern. You see yourself as indispensable to them and try to convince them you are indispensable and they must defer to your judgment specifically because no one else is as good at seeing their shadow and therefore no one can really see them as clearly as you can. This isolates them. Therefore their health and wellbeing depends on keeping you around to see the bad and wrong things about them that they cannot see about themselves. The underlying message being conveyed is “I am the only one who sees the truth of you, it just so happens that truth isn’t good”. The reality is that you don’t actually see them. You only think you do. You see only those things about them that might pose a threat to you in some way.
This subconscious pattern is much easier to see in people when they are around someone who is in a position of power. If people perceive themselves to be powerless and being powerless to someone in the past has hurt them, they will be immediately triggered by people who they perceive to be more powerful than they are. They tend to associate nothing good with power, only badness. This means all a person has to do to trigger this dynamic is to be a leader or an achiever or an authority or an expert or more wealthy or more beautiful or more famous or anything else which seems to give them the upper hand. For the sake of their own safety, they either want to be the one who is always in the position of power with the upper hand, or for society to be completely egalitarian where hierarchy does not exist and everyone is equal at all times. In other words, they are either concerned with being the one in absolute power or they are in a crusade against power in general so no one ever has power over anyone else.
I can personally attest to this one. People with this shadow LOVE to think of themselves as the ones who can see things about me that I can’t. After all, my life purpose has put me in the position of authority and therefore power relative to awareness and seeing shadows. So there is hardly a more superior position in the world than being the one who sees the shadows of the shadow seer and who is more aware than the awareness leader.
People with this shadow often use two excuses to maintain this misalignment within themselves. This first is “Not everyone can see their own shadows”. This is a truth that is being exploited to justify harmful behavior. The second is “look at history”. History is full of plenty of examples of people (especially people in power) who became perpetrators because of what they did not see about themselves. People with this shadow hate “yes people” and perceive these historical tyrants to have been surrounded by yes people. Yes people being people who never oppose the tyrant and therefore enable horrible things. This hatred of yes people is simply their own unresolved hurt about someone in their life who enabled the person in power to hurt them in the past. Again, this is a truth that is being exploited to justify harmful behavior.
Due to all this, people with this shadow tend to play the devil’s advocate all the time. Playing the devil’s advocate in this scenario is an attempt to get someone they already see as the bad guy in a position of power to consider the other, which they perceive to be the underdog. Because they are identified with the underdog, what they are defending through devil’s advocacy is really the disempowered part of themselves. Essentially, they try to keep you both good and safe by knocking you down so you never have power.
It may be interesting to note that when people play devil’s advocate, they usually have a subconscious perception that if a person is upset at someone else, that person they are upset at is going to get hurt. This perception that they are about to get hurt, triggers their need to defend. Basically, the minute someone could get hurt, they become the underdog to the one that could hurt them and thus the one this person identifies with and will argue on behalf of. Again, they will subconsciously be defending themselves in their position of perceived powerlessness vicariously.
There is a deeper layer here that needs to be mentioned. When children are made to feel powerless by people in power and hurt because of that imbalance of power, children tend to stay safe by letting go of their identity so as to please the person in a position of power. Instead of being themselves, they be whatever the person in power wants them to be. This hurts. They secretly hate the person in power for this. When they begin to heal out of this pattern, instead of simply figuring out who they are and what they want and becoming free and empowered themselves, they rebel. Rebellion is in fact a disempowered state. Essentially, they can only feel a sense of themselves by feeling opposition. Antagonism is the way they feel defined.
If you can recognize this shadow in yourself, don’t worry about whether or not someone can see their shadows in general or not. If you are concerned with this, realize you don’t trust the person and the focus needs to be placed on that distrust you have for them (or people in general) instead. The real thing you need is not for them to see their shadow; it is for you to have more power. And in this situation, you are powerless to your own shadow.
You need to see that power is not the problem. It never was. Power does not corrupt; it simply magnifies someone’s character. This means, it would suit you to see power as a tool, more like fire. Someone can have lots of fire. If that person with the fire wants to hurt people, they will do something different with it than someone who wants to make people feel good will.
Focus on developing a strong sense of self. For you specifically, I have three videos, which will help you immensely. The first is: Personal Boundaries Vs. Oneness (How To Develop Healthy Boundaries). The second is: How To Be Authentic. And the third is: People Are Not All Equal.
Try to understand something that someone is doing and face your own resistance to it BEFORE you make something wrong. It is only by really creating resolution for our own resistance to something that we can arrive at the truth about something. For example, someone might think dressing sexy is wrong. But it is only by facing their own resistance to people dressing sexy and seeing where that resistance came from and questioning it that they can separate resistance from truth relative to dressing sexy, whatever that truth may be.
Also, practice love. To love something is to consider it to be part of yourself. This is a serious concept when you really get it. It demolishes power dynamics. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: What Is Love? When you are able to practice love, the reflections you give someone will be for them, not against them. And remember, we can be in total denial about something being for someone when it is really against them. We can also be in total denial that we are doing something for someone else’s benefit, when we are really doing it for our own benefit alone.
When someone does present an opposing opinion or show someone their shadows from outside this shadow, the flavor of it changes from a challenge to an assist. It doesn’t register as a rebellion, as antagonism or as a power play. Resolve this shadow in you or else you will be a foe, not a friend. And remember… at this rather psychological level of conversation, the devil doesn’t need any more advocates.
Here you are. You are on the path of awareness. Being on this path, you have learned that so much of what makes up who you are today, including what you want in your life, is trauma. If you become aware of and resolve that trauma, you have experienced that you change. What you want also changes. And it is here that you can make a crucial mistake.
You are smart enough to see that if you heal trauma, your desires can change. And so you try to play the game in reverse. You see a desire and believe that the achieving of this desire is going to lead to pain. And therefore, you try to heal yourself specifically so that the desire will change. Essentially, you try to process or heal yourself out of a desire. What you do not understand is that this is not how the universe works. And this approach often does nothing but make the desire stronger.
I’ll give you an example of this dynamic so that it will make more sense. Imagine a woman who was raised by her family to be a wife and mother. Deep down, she always had a deep yearning to become a success for her own achievements, not to have her success be all about what she does as a caretaker for other people so that they can succeed. She gets married and has a baby. She loves them both very much. But this desire for her own personal success will not go away. Being a relatively conscious person she sees that a big factor (and potentially the whole reason) behind why she wants personal success is because it was a trauma for her to never be able to have personal success. After all, in her family and culture, that is not something girls do. No one ever saw her for her; they saw her as someone who was born to serve so others could succeed.
She thinks or feels that if she went for her desire, her husband would be upset and maybe it would lead to a divorce. Her child would feel abandoned and maybe hate her as a mother. She sees this as a selfish move on her part. She may be wrong or she may actually be right that this is the reaction they would have to her desire. That isn’t what matters in this conversation. What matters is that her fear of losing that ‘feel good connection’ with her husband and baby, makes her try to resolve the trauma in her childhood (and do all the shadow work and processing and positive focusing she can do) with the hope and even belief that by doing so, she will no longer desire her own personal success. Instead, she will eventually feel amazing being a wife and mother. The thing is, it doesn’t work. In fact, the more she tries to do all this healing work to try to get rid of this desire, the desire gets more suppressed and stronger and she becomes more unhappy and more unhappy in the situation that she is in.
The times we tend to do this most is when we are afraid that a desire of ours threatens our social connections. Essentially, any time one of our desires threatens that we will lose our closeness to someone that matters to us. And especially when we have been led to believe by our specific social group, culture, society etc. that the thing we desire is wrong.
People have this idea that certain desires are bad and wrong and that if you desire them, it means something bad about you. This is obvious to see when two people are facing the issue of incompatibility. When an incompatibility is present in a relationship we care about, we try to make the other person compatible with us by making them wrong or bad for what they want. This creates shame in them. And they most likely will do the same to us. They will make us feel bad and wrong for our desire. After a while, the emotional condition of the relationship itself is shame and resentment towards each other because of it. When we make the other person wrong for their desire (when it differs from our own) we come up with a reason why they are wrong for it and try to then heal them out of that difference or try to change it so that it doesn’t exist. This never works because if you try, the message conveyed by approaching them in this manner will be “you need to be fixed because something is wrong with you.” They will feel totally unloved by you and unaccepted and unwanted as they are. It also doesn’t work because you can’t un-want something that you want. To understand incompatibility in depth, watch my video titled: Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality In Relationships).
Something that people have got to accept is that this is a time space reality of contrast, where both personal expansion and the expansion of this universe is occurring as the result of desire. This means that you have to accept that desire ALWAYS comes from the unwanted experience. At this point in our evolution, desire comes from trauma. There isn’t such a thing as a good desire and a bad desire. Any time we judge a desire as bad or wrong, we really need to question this judgment and consciously look deeper into understanding the desire itself as well as our resistance to it.
Where people are accurately feeling a discrepancy relative to desire is where people think their desire is one thing, when it is in fact another thing. For example, one man could want to be a multi millionaire because he wants that feeling of being financially free and that specific feeling of abundance that comes with knowing that he is the one creating that stream of income. For this man, being wealthy in this way is his true desire. For another man, if he asks himself why he wants to be a multi millionaire, it is so that he can have women be interested in him because he wants a relationship so badly. Why does he want a relationship so badly? Because he is lonely and therefore wants connection and wants to be wanted. It is obvious then, that he is not taking a direct route to getting what he really wants. He is finding a back road to get it in a round about way. Trying to make money will not feel good to him because it is a means to an end. If he accepted his true desire, he would probably go about getting it in a different way. His thoughts, words and actions would change to be more in alignment with his actual desires. As a result of being more in alignment in this way, he will feel happier and achieve his desires faster.
Keep in mind that a person may want something for mixed reasons. Using the previous analogy, a man may want that feeling of being financially free and that specific feeling of abundance that comes with knowing that he is the one creating that stream of income and also really want a close, connected relationship. When this is the case, it will not feel bad to focus on making money. He will also take action to prioritize having a relationship. The problem arises when we are trying to convince ourselves that we want something, when we don’t… Because it is just a means to an end or a strategy for getting what we really want instead. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: If You Want To Be Happy, Don’t Do This.
Speaking of mixed reasons for wanting something, most strong desires are wanted for mixed reasons. Some of these reasons you may judge as “shadowy”. For example, a healer may want to be in the healing profession because one part of them really loves the feeling of watching other people feel better. Another part of them may have been so hurt by unconscious people growing up, that making people conscious, feels like the only way to stay safe themselves. Notice your tendency to make this wrong because of where it comes from. The desire isn’t wrong. It simply suggests that where the focus needs to be is on what can be done to feel safe in social situations. Potentially that is doing something totally un-related to making people conscious. But potentially, consciously making people aware of what they are doing so as to see that he or she can have more power relative to their own safety is actually that healing they need to experience.
At this point, it is probably important to correct some vernacular that is getting in the way of your understanding relative to this topic. People in the awareness community use the word “shadow” to mean two different things. 1. Something that a person is unaware of and is therefore unconscious of and 2. Something about them that is either bad, wrong or out of alignment. If I had my way, we would stop using the word shadow for both things. A shadow is something that a person is unconscious of. When they become conscious of it, it is no longer a shadow. Some of the things that we become aware of about ourselves, we and/or others judge to be bad and wrong. Any time we have this judgment, we need to question it. That being said, sometimes we can accurately feel the “offness” of certain patterns within ourselves or others. Meaning that something a person is thinking, saying or doing something that is not in alignment with their desires, wellbeing and perhaps the wellbeing of others. This pattern of being out of alignment in some way is often what people call someone’s “shadow”. I would rather this be called someone’s misalignment.
I do have to warn you that there is a potential that you might be projecting that something is “off” about someone when it is you that is off. It is quite common for us to perceive someone as misaligned any time something they are thinking, saying or doing is out of alignment with our desires for them. And our desires for them are usually because of what we want for ourselves. A better way of putting this is that we run the risk of thinking someone is out of alignment with their desires, wellbeing and the wellbeing of others when what they are out of alignment with is our overlay. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Overlay, What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship.
The better you get at honing your desires, the easier it is to know what direction to actually go and where the focusing of your energy will feel the best and yield the best results. To do this, spend most of your time and focus asking why. Whenever you become conscious of a desire, ask yourself why you want that thing. For example, let’s say you are conscious that you want a good job. Ask yourself why. The answer may be so you can make lots of money and be successful. Ask yourself why you want to make lots of money and be successful. The answer may be so other people start taking you seriously. So ask yourself why you want other people start taking you seriously. The answer may be so they see you as worthy of connecting with. This exercise may prove to you that what you really want is to feel like people want to connect with you and value you. Obviously if you know that, you may go about getting to that desire in a different way. You may even see that the way you would try to get that experience would give you the opposite feeling, because in trying to get a good job so that people will value you, it proves they don’t value you as a person. Maybe if you do enough healing on that feeling that you can’t be valued for who you are, separate of what you do, you will choose not to take a job which is held in high societal esteem. But there is also a big potential that you might take a job that is held in high societal esteem, but no longer because you are doing it to get people to value you and want to connect with you.
Authenticity is the crucial thing to live in alignment with, including relative to your desires. You can never know in the process of healing, what the outcome will be. One person, who sees the trauma that gave birth to their desires, may resolve the trauma and no longer desire that thing. Another person may resolve the trauma and their desire for that thing remains and even becomes stronger. They may simply come at that desire from a different energy or place inside them. For this reason, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
Also never forget that the experiencing of the thing you want may be the very thing it actually takes to heal that trauma. To understand healing in depth as well as this concept that perhaps the experiencing of what you want (no matter if the desire comes from trauma or not) is the only thing that will actually heal the trauma, watch my video titled: What is Healing?
Desires are always being amended. Any time you achieve what you desire, more desires will emerge within you. You will want different things. There is no end to desire. There is no ‘end of the game’. The sooner you accept this, the more comfortable you will be in life. You will not find this sweet spot in life where you have achieved everything you ever wanted and therefore, you feel awesome all the time and desire nothing else. The reason you want that “end state” is because you associate pain with wanting. What if the way to not be in pain relative to wanting is to accept that wanting never ends and that your discomfort is really about the resistance to the desire, not the desiring in and of itself?
It may be the case that when we discover a trauma and work to resolve that trauma, that our desires change. But we have no idea if they are going to change or what they are going to change into. All that will happen as a result of healing is that we will become more authentic to who we really are and what we really want. For this reason, and even though it is terrifying to accept, you cannot process and heal yourself out of a desire. You cannot heal yourself so that you don’t desire something. You cannot heal someone so that they don’t desire something. This is not actually healing at all. Instead, it is resisting a desire.
In the world today, we are obsessed with unconditional love. It is what we all want and for most of us, it is what we want to be able to give, regardless of whether or not we actually currently can. But there is a form of “love” that is quite popular between people in the world today that is not love at all; instead it is poison in the disguise of unconditional love. That form of “love” or shall I say relationship is “I love you even though”.
The word love is totally misused. We have one word to cover several different things. What we are talking about today is not love; it is ‘wanting’ something in some capacity. To understand what love is, watch my video titled: What is Love?
Most of us have been on the receiving end of this type of relationship. If we were the scapegoat of the family, this was the only relationship we were afforded… I love you even though you’re a burden. I love you even though you are the main source of the problems for the rest of us. I love you even though you are an addict. I love you even though you are difficult. I love you even though you’re fat. I love you even though you are mentally ill. And the list goes on and on. Before today, many of you would have received a letter with the words “I love you even though” and would have taken it as loving, while ignoring that little seed of pain those words brought up. You may have thought “Oh… If they love me even though, they must really love me”. But all this reaction says, is how poor your self concept really is. And how unlovable you really feel.
It is impossible for someone to say “I love you even though” without simultaneously seeing something about you as unlovable. This is why it is poison under the guise of unconditional love. It is to say, “this is unlovable and still I love you”. It is I love you despite, instead of I love you with that thing. It excludes that part of you. To give you a metaphor, it is like visiting a person who wants you inside, but as long as you remove several parts of yourself that they don’t like and leave them outside.
This type of pseudo love sets up a really dysfunctional dynamic. First, it puts the person doing the pseudo loving in a position of power. It is in and of itself a narcissistic power play. They get to be “the good guy” and therefore superior for loving something “unlovable”. This form of pseudo loving is all about the person doing the pseudo loving. And it puts the person receiving the pseudo loving in the position of being both inferior and in debt to the other. It pushes them into a state of forced alliance and forced gratitude because that person did what no one else would do… loved them despite their defects. This can lead to an emotionally abusive dynamic whereby a person convinces a person that they are so unlovable and therefore would never be loved by anyone else. This person experiences such a self esteem drop that they end up feeling that they have to stay with that person, or the reality is they will end up alone. They buy it. “I love you even though” is a brilliant power play because no one can fight it. If they fight it, on the surface, they are turning away someone who ‘loves them the most’ and they are being the bad guy.
If you love someone ‘even though’, the reality is that you fully reject an aspect or several about a person. You do not want that part of them. You have a negative judgment about it. The reality is that you are in a relationship with the idea of a potential. Unlike it sounds, “I love you even though” is not what people say who have accepted something about someone else. It is what someone says if they are staying with someone during their process of change. It is what someone says if they are holding onto the idea that one-day, this person will change to be what they know they can be and should be. To understand this dynamic completely, watch my video titled: Overlay (What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship). To be in a relationship with someone who loves you “even though”, you have to buy into that overlay of theirs and feel bad about yourself because of the fact that you are currently falling short of it.
If you love someone “even though”, you have got to accept the reality of a person. This might make you really sad, but you have to accept the reality of him or her. It is a rejection of who they are in favor of they could be. For this reason, I want you to ask yourself a question, if the truth was this person would never (and I mean never ever) change the thing you disliked and didn’t want about them, what then? Would you even want a relationship with them at all? If yes, why? Why do you want that person to be close to you?
There are some in alignment reasons and a lot of reasons for wanting someone close ‘even though’ that are really out of alignment reasons. To give you some examples of out of alignment reasons to want to be close to someone who you see in such a negative light, here are some: 1. Out of principal (such as because I’m your mother). 2. In the transaction someone is getting out of the relationship, the pros outweigh the cons. 3. We can’t see ourselves as good if we are the one that pushes them away, so they have to do it. 4. Unconscious polarization that causes a magnetic pull or attraction to them. When this happens, it is because you have suppressed a part that they are the reflection of. It is about you, not them.
If you accepted that the thing you reject about this person would never, ever change, how would the relationship you have to this person need to change?
Think of it like this, if you were an item on a shelf that is being sold, you would want to go to the person who appreciated you the very most. Assume you were both blue and yellow. Would you like to go home with a person who said, “I love the blue and I love the yellow”? Or would you like to go home with someone who said, “I love the blue color, even though it has some yellow”? Also, if you love someone like this, you must consider you are depriving someone of the opportunity to be loved by someone who loves both the blue and the yellow. To stick with this metaphor, if it is hard to believe that someone could love your yellow, the reason you feel that way is because you were led to believe that parts about you are unlovable by someone and therefore will be unloved by everyone. You see parts of you as flaws and do not think those flaws can be loved. If you struggle with this, you would benefit by watching my video titled: How To Find Your Excellence (The Recognition of Excellence is 100% Dependent Upon Desire).
It is better to say “I love this about you and I hate this about you” than it is to say, “I love you even though”. It’s more honest. “I love you even though” is a gaslight of love in order to not have to see yourself. It is a form of passive aggression. A lot of people feel so guilty and so much shame about not really wanting who someone is, that they escape that guilt and shame by saying “I love you even though.” Which is a sister to “I keep you close even though I don’t really want to.”
To resolve this issue, you need to face the resistance you have to the things about a person that you really don’t like. What do you do with the things that you really dislike about someone? Do you sweep them under the carpet and secretly resist them? Do you consciously try to fix them, so the person is different? Do you hold on to hope for the day a miracle happens and they simply change? If someone is hurting you, directly address them with the way it hurts you, instead of making it about something that is messed up about them. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to fix someone so that they can be who you “know they are capable of being” and who you therefore want them to be.
If you really face the resistance you have to the parts of a person you don’t like, either you will discover that the resistance to that part of them is something out of alignment about you, or you will discover a truth about yourself that will mean you have to re-evaluate your relationship with that other person. You will have to do something about it. And that something is not flipping the power so the other person feels lucky to be loved “even though.”
We are terrified that if we really face what we dislike about someone, either we will have to face that something is out of alignment about ourselves or we will have to face that we are not compatible to the other person in the position they are in, in our lives. To understand about compatibility in relationships, watch my video titled: Incompatibility (A Harsh Reality In Relationships).
In order to actually love and especially in order to genuinely unconditionally love, we must stop falling for the disguise of unconditional love. We have to stop gas lighting each other with a façade of love. We have to be in a relationship with who someone is, not the overlay of who they are. We have to see “I love you even though” for the poison that it is and stop feeding that poison to each other.
A lot of people have the idea that I am against parents. Even though this isn’t the case, people get this idea because I teach reality. The reality is that you did not end up like you are for no reason. You are the byproduct of cause and effect. As much as you may want to believe that you just popped out of the womb the way you are, it isn’t the reality. Even though there are frequencies you opt into as part of your incarnation process, what most psychologists have right is that the vast majority of what creates your personality is in fact adaptation to your social environment growing up. It is the influence of mom and dad, or whoever your adult caregivers were.
If something goes wrong with a website, you go back to the beginning of how the code was written. We have to do the same thing to discover how our own faulty programming was installed and what it is causing us to do in our adult lives. We have to change the pattern that was adopted by us in those formative years and then repeated over and over again. The reality is that even the most well-meaning parents create seriously faulty programming that can and does destroy the lives of their children. And the reality is, I have shaken hands with probably 5 parents in this lifetime so far who are aware that they have unintentionally done this to their child. Most parents (for refusal to look at that patterning within themselves and for refusal to feel guilt or shame) vehemently defend the programming that is destroying their child’s life.
My grand vision is for all people; no matter what role they play in each other’s lives, to be able to heal together. My goal isn’t to turn kids against their parents. It is to break anyone who sits before me, free of his or her patterns. I wish parents and children would do this together. But when this goes terribly wrong is when a family makes belonging and closeness within the family dependent upon those detrimental patterns being upheld.
If I had my way, when one person in a family changed a pattern for the better, all other members of the family would do this for themselves and thus create better relationships in the entire family system. This is the real reason why parents even have specific children in the first place. The greater universe is concerned with the growth and expansion and joy of all beings in existence. This universe always pairs parents with children who hold the key to their self-awareness. This is a child who is supposed to switch a parent’s patterns to be in alignment with that parent’s actual desires. Parents either realize this and shift or resist that shift and by doing so, turn against their own child.
The reason parents can’t see that their child will make them a match to their actual desires is… ‘Be careful what you wish for’. If a person wants happiness and is unhappy because of a pattern that is preventing it, they will be given a child who opposes that pattern. They will think when this is occurring that this child is not what they want. For example, if a mother gives up on her own deep career desires to have a child; she will slip into a pattern of self-sacrifice. Her child will seem completely self centered and ungrateful to her. Really this child has come to get the mother out of her pattern of self-sacrifice so she will choose to pursue the career purpose she had intended. If this mother shifts, this child will support that choice in the mother. If she doesn’t, this relationship will deteriorate. It will cause the mother to doubt even having a child because this child did not give the validation and guaranteed love that she thought she would get out of that pattern of self-sacrifice.
The reality is that the number one need for a physical human is closeness with the social group and so; we will keep patterns and defend both them and the programmers who installed those patterns (our parents) to our own demise. So, whether you want to admit it or not, it doesn’t matter whether or not they intended to do it, your parents and the social conditioning you went through, and the early life experiences you had, were the problem in your life. Accepting this and changing those patterns does not mean you are betraying your parents, unless you are also willing to accept that your parents are right, that by breaking free of damaging patterns and getting happy, you are betraying them. If so, that is the definition of a terrifying relationship.
Seeing and accepting the reality of your family and changing these patterns you adopted in your family, does not mean you have to end your relationship with them. Some people, when they gain awareness of a situation choose to separate from the other people involved in that situation; while other people choose to change their relationship with those people for the better. Unfortunately, it depends on many variables in each situation.
All that being said, I’m going to tell you something today that has the capacity to change the way that you see your life entirely. After you no longer live with your parents and are no longer under the influence of their direct programming so to speak, the problem is no longer your parents. It is your parents within you that is the problem. Let me explain.
When we feel hurt by someone in the past and we feel doomed because we can clearly see that a pattern that was installed in us is damaging us instead of assisting us, we tend to feel powerless… and as a result afraid… and as a result, angry at the cause of that pattern. This is why it is so common for a person to be really, really angry at their parents in one phase during the process of healing. But this eventually leads to more powerlessness and therefore inhibited healing because you cannot change them can you? If they change, it is entirely up to them. They have free will. Because of this, often it feels like you are healing in spite of them. This all changes when you realize something… Your parents are inside you. It is not your external parents that keep the detrimental pattern alive. It is your parents internalized.
Consciousness itself functions like water. If you are looking at a river from above, you can see that a large river often branches off into smaller rivers. Our consciousness fragments. When this happens, our sense of self becomes fragmented. So even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple selves. The best way to picture this is to imagine that inside your body, you have a collection of Siamese Twins. To understand this completely and in depth, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. In this video, I also propose a method that will help you to understand the solution to the information I will provide in the rest of this article.
What most people don’t know is that every child copes with their childhood environment by internalizing their parents. This means every person has at least one internal Siamese Twin that is their internalized mom and one that is their internalized dad. This part of themselves is a perfect mirror of their parent. The primary reason a child does this is to establish rapport and therefore closeness with the people upon whom their life depends. The secondary reason a child does this is to take the control away from the parent so that the relationship (and especially conflict) can take place internally and under the perceived control of the child instead of externally and out of control of the child.
For example, if a parent has a pattern of humiliating their child, the child will create a personality fragment that mirrors their parent perfectly, that humiliates himself or herself first, before their parent does. The idea behind this is that if he or she takes over this job, not only do they control the humiliation (and therefore it hurts less), he or she might also be able to do it before the parent has a chance to do it, thus decreasing the rate of humiliation. But this part, being the now internalized mirror image of the parent exists long after the person leaves home and is no longer in a humiliating environment. Therefore, this coping mechanism no longer benefits him or her. Instead, it ruins his or her life. He or she is walking around with an internal humiliator.
One of the best examples of this pattern of the internalized parent fragment going horribly wrong for someone, is with self hate. Self-hate is one of the most dangerous adaptations a person can develop. To understand this in depth, watch my video titled: Self Hate, The Most Dangerous Coping Mechanism. This has drastic implication for people with parents who gave them away for adoption or whom didn’t want them but kept them. It means one of your internal fragments doesn’t want you and may even be in charge of giving you away.
Here is a fun little hint. Fragments within a person’s consciousness function like boxes within a larger box. Every personality fragment that is created as a mirror to your relationship with Dad, will belong to the bigger fragment that mirrors your Dad. For example, if your Dad lacks empathy, you may have a part of yourself that lacks empathy. If he is constantly criticizing you, you may have a part that constantly criticizes you from the inside. If he is a hyper achiever, you may have a part of yourself that is a hyper achiever. These parts, you could either be identified with or you could suppress. All three of these parts (small boxes) actually fit into the larger fragment (larger box within your consciousness) of ‘Dad within me’.
I can tell you it is WAY harder to change a pattern if you are living with people who reinforce that pattern. And more than that, it is often vibrationally impossible to be in the same physical location as someone else if you do change a pattern. For example, it is WAY harder to change a pattern of low self-esteem into self worth if you are living with people who berate you. And if you develop self esteem, the likelihood is that you will not choose to be near people who berate you. But here is the best news you will ever hear… In order to really change your life for the better, you do not need to resolve your relationship with your parents directly. You don’t need to make your relationship to them better. You don’t need your parents to change. You don’t even need them to be alive. Your healing has nothing to do with whether they change or don’t. All you need to do is improve the relationship between the internalized fragments that are a reflection of your parents and whatever parts are opposite of those parts of you (the parts they oppose).
The most ironic thing of all is that it is only doing this that truly changes your relationship with your parents. Working with the internalized fragment that is your parent is the key to the healing you have really been looking for. To understand healing completely, I suggest that you watch my video titled: What Is Healing? It is when we change a detrimental internal pattern into its opposite that we see how to change that pattern in the external world.
In a perfect world, we would be programmed only in a way that would benefit us over the course of our lives. In a perfect world, whenever we realized that something our parents did or didn’t do, programmed us in a way that was detrimental to us, they would immediately change the pattern within themselves that caused them to program us in that way, and immediately shift to provide us with the opposite experience instead. Alas, we do not live in a perfect world. We live in a world that is constantly expanding and all people are more or less resistant to that expansion. The reality is that most of you who are still telling the story that your childhood was great or at least good by comparison, are avoiding looking at your own faulty programming because of fear. And that fear is perfectly understandable… even if it is resistance to your own expansion and the progress of the world and human society within that world.
For those of you who see the faulty programming, the reality is, it wasn’t fair what happened to many of you. It sucks that you faced what you faced in your childhood. It sucks you can’t have your childhood back in a do-over. And even if you did ‘choose’ it on one super esoteric level, the reality is that no one would have created what you experienced if it was truly their conscious choice. But you are not doomed because of what you went through. No one is. Your past does not dictate your future because free will is an absolute of your existence. It is possible to break out of the path of determinism with conscious awareness. It is possible to change these patterns you have been programmed with. To do it, you need to change the pattern within your parents within yourself.
Before I get into this topic, I must warn you that there is no possible way to do justice to the topic of truth or reality in and of itself in the amount of time that I have in any of these episodes. Philosophers have dedicated their entire lives to this subject. That being said, let’s dive into the topic of objective truth.
Absolute truth is something that is true at all times and in all places. It is a fact that cannot be changed because it is fixed, invariable and unalterable. A good example is, there are no round squares. The first thing to understand about absolute truth is that you cannot argue against it. To argue against absolute truth, absolute truth must be the basis of your argument. To argue against something implies that a truth exists. Even the people, who argue against absolute truth, fail to do so because statements like “truth is relative” or “there are no absolute truths” or “no one knows what the truth is” are absolute statements. This means, don’t even bother arguing about absolute truth because if you even argue against it, you’re proving absolute truth exists.
Objective truth gets a bit more complicated because the human definition of objective truth differs from the universe’s definition. The human definition is something being true independently from subjective perspective and therefore being completely free from the influence of personal bias. When one is identified, this is impossible because one must be observing something through their individual perspective. It is objective truth that every religion believes they are arguing. The universe’s definition of objective truth is different. It is the amalgamation of every subjective perspective, which added together forms the objective truth of any given subject. It is not possible to be able therefore to grasp objective truth unless you are #1 dis-identified and #2 can expand your perception to accommodate for all perspectives involved in the observation of a subject. This is what “source mind” ultimately is assuming the definition of Source is all energy and therefore consciousness in existence.
Subjective truth is something being perceived as true that is the direct result of one’s own perspective, including individual experiences, feelings, thoughts, needs, desires, preferences and opinions. If you are identified, the only truth you can perceive is subjective truth. You have to transcend I and accommodate for other perspectives (by recognizing the other as part of you, not separate to you) in order to perceive beyond subjective truth.
There is a difference between believing you have the absolute truth and speaking in absolutes. Almost every person who puts their opinion out into the world, such as spiritual teachers and professors and politicians and experts in any field, teaches what they perceive to be objective truth. Almost every person in existence puts forth their individual perspective as if it is objective truth. And this means, they speak in absolutes. It is a very good thing to consider that your perspective may not be objective truth, but may in fact be subjective and therefore limited perspective. To the opposite, trying to get everyone to speak as if their perspective is simply subjective, is to try to avoid the discomfort of your own trauma. Also, a person who has a mutable idea of truth and therefore is not fixated on the idea that they have the objective truth may still choose to speak in absolutes.
If people talking in absolutes bothers you, you need to become aware of and also resolve your own trauma. People who are bothered by people talking in absolutes are those who were wounded by authority figures who did not have a grasp of objective truth, but who instead imposed their subjective truth on everyone in the household, not accommodating for anyone else’s perspective at all. Any time someone talks in absolutes, they fear a repeat of the same pain. If these traumas were resolved, a closed mind might threaten you. But a person speaking in absolutes would not. You wouldn’t fear not being taken into consideration and you wouldn’t fear your own subjective truth being swallowed up and nullified.
There is as much benefit to people speaking in absolutes as there is danger. When we are confronted with a solid perspective, it is less difficult to brush it off. It has much more impact. I want you to imagine martin Luther King’s speech if it is not spoken in absolutes. So you can understand this, let’s take a look at one tiny section of his speech.
“Five score years ago, a great American in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree is a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity. But 100 years later the Negro lives on a lonely land of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of human society and finds himself in exile in his own land.”
Here it is revised so he is not talking in absolutes:
“Five score years ago, someone I think was a great American and in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. In my personal opinion, this was a momentous decree and in my opinion it has been a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who I, and many other people believe had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. For those who felt it was an injustice, even if the slave owners felt the exact opposite way, it came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity. But 100 years later, we must consider one perspective and it is that the Negro lives on a lonely land of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. I believe that one hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of human society and finds himself in exile in his own land.”
The danger of not speaking in an absolute way is that the human ego takes whatever door it can to escape discomfort. It doesn’t have to try a truth on for size. It isn’t confronted. If you weaken the frequency of your statement by saying something like “one potential is that you could be not interested in anyone you are dating because you actually fear getting close to anyone”. The ego will capitalize on that door that was left open that the potential is just that, a potential… and therefore, could not be true. Speaking in an absolute way is a tool, just as much as speaking in a way that posits and idea as only a potential truth is a tool.
If we define objective truth in the way that the universe defines objective truth (as opposed to the human definition of objective truth), then objective truth exists. It is the truth that arises out of the amalgamation of every perspective in existence. This also means that objective reality exists. There are things that are true, regardless of whether an individual perceives them to be true or not. An objective reality exists, regardless of whether an individual that is a part of that reality perceives that reality or not.
It is as dangerous to say there is no objective truth as it is for an individual to say that their subjective truth is the objective truth. It is as dangerous to say that there is no objective reality (because we create our reality) as it is to say that we do not create reality at all. These pendulum swings within thought are not in alignment and they are not integrated philosophies. They are a counter-reaction to the limitations and pain experienced by the opposite and preceding polarity. Instead of spoon-feeding it to you, my challenge for you is to sit with the potential danger of those polarized perspectives relative to both truth and reality.
The problem (or perhaps the blessing) is that there is no way to know from your identified perspective, whether someone is speaking objective truth or not. It could be that someone is simply speaking subjective truth and you are taking it for objective truth. It could also be that someone is speaking objective truth and because it is coming through an individual person’s mouth, you write it off as subjective truth… Oops. You will not know, until you, yourself develop the capacity to accommodate all perspectives and expand wide enough for the truth to arise out of the amalgamation of those perspectives.
One of the best ways to practice expanding your perspective in this way is to practice dis-identification, integrate your own fragmented consciousness and to practice AND consciousness. To understand these concepts in depth, watch my videos titled: Dis-identification (The Practice of Non Attachment), Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease and And Consciousness, (The Modern Day Replacement for the Middle Way). You can also begin to practice going into the perspective of other beings by practicing something that I call The Octopus Technique. To learn this technique, watch my video that is quite literally titled: The Octopus Technique.
Reality is a co-creation. This means you are not the only one creating reality and it also means that in order to create your own reality, separate of everyone else’s, you have to fall into illusion and choose disconnection. It implies you have fallen into the limited 3-d truth that you are separate from everything else and the illusion that just because in your individual perceptual reality, you are happy, it does not matter that in other perceptual realities, other aspects of you (that you see as other people) are not. To say “I create my own reality” is ignorance. It is to use the spiritual truth of creation and perception to deny objective reality for the sake of individual preferences. These people want to justify doing whatever they want to do regardless of anyone or anything else.
Reality also accommodates contradictory truths because it includes multiple dimensions. Because all things in existence are part of Source and therefore are imbued with the innate capacity to create, you can create reality. So can everyone else. But will you create that reality in illusion or in alignment with objective truth is the question? This is one of the traps people can fall into when using the law of attraction to create what they want to create rather than as a tool to find objective truth (a tool of awareness).
Objective truth is always evolving because Source itself has a subconscious and is always expanding because it is always in the process of becoming more conscious of itself. Source itself is in pursuit of universal truth. The more conscious it becomes of itself, the more the “truth of itself” emerges and therefore changes. It perceives people who say, “There is no truth because all truth is subjective” to be those who stagnate and settle and prevent expansion in the universe. It perceives this reasoning to be a cop out.
It perceives people who say there is no objective reality, because you can create your own reality, to be locked in a narcissistic bubble and therefore defying the universal truth of oneness. It perceives this line of thinking to be an overreaction to the perceived powerlessness experienced before this philosophy was created. It is therefore no more in alignment than it is to consider yourself powerless to other people’s creations.
The point where universal perspective is at the moment, is that it would hope for the truth to be accepted that all is one, so that all can be accommodated in that co-creation. During the process of fragmentation, in a universe where each fragment is imbued with free will and is also a byproduct of unconscious determinism, so many fragments in the universe are creating in opposition to one another, instead of in alignment with one another. It is by knowing each fragment’s subjective truth that we arrive at objective truth and thus know what is truly in alignment to create. This is conscious creation. Not creation fueled by unconscious determinism.
But having said that, you have no way of knowing if that is in fact objective truth or if that is simply my own subjective truth can you?
The concept of Karma has been a staple of spiritual philosophy for thousands of years. The super simplified idea of karma is that your actions in this incarnation, as well as previous incarnations, decide your fate in this life as well as in future incarnations.
Is Karma a reality in the universe? The answer is Yes and No. It is often easier to simply say that karma does not exist than it is to weed out the misconceptions from the truth about karma. Karma is a concept that was created by eastern religions, which arose from a society that was organized according to a caste system. In a caste system, society is divided into strata of hierarchy. If you were born to a certain class, you belonged to that group and therefore your life was already decided for you and was inescapable. The explanation for why it was fair for one person to be born a king, with everything in life given to him and the other to be born a pauper who would suffer and watch his children suffer and die, was that in a previous incarnation, he or she had done bad. His or her actions in a previous incarnation determined the suffering and bad luck or wellbeing and luck of their current life.
This is a ridiculous warping of spiritual truth. It is also to project human social practices onto the universe, most especially a sense of order and fairness established through the universe dolling out punishment and rewards. The punishment and rewards system of governing is not how this universe operates. Therefore, if this is how you see karma, karma does not exist.
Do past lives determine your future incarnations? Yes. But again, we have to weed out misconceptions from truths. The first thing to understand is that a conversation about past lives only makes sense from certain lower dimensional levels of the universe. At the highest level of truth in this universe, individuality does not exist. All is one. We are all simply fragments of the same thing. Therefore, technically, every life that has ever been lived is your past life. We create the concept of individuality by focusing on it. Just like we can focus on the different way that water moves in the ocean and suddenly define a current within the ocean as separate to and differentiated from the rest of the ocean. You can define a current within the ocean of consciousness that you identify with specifically that is your soul family and a current within that current that is what you call “your non physical self” and then your physical incarnation is rather like a current within the current within the current within the ocean (much like a fractal). We also create the idea of past and future by virtue of focusing on it. This perspective helps us to perceive expansion or what you call progressive change.
If we call the totality of energy in this universe, which is imbued with consciousness as “Source”, Source does not govern you because it does not perceive itself to be separate from you. It does not punish or reward. It perceives itself to be the amalgamation of all of it’s own fragments of consciousness. It perceives itself to be the overall mosaic so to speak. Because Source is imbued with free will, all fragments of itself (including your non physical aspect and your physical aspect) are also imbued with the quality of free will. The reason that a person who murders in one life might be likely to exercise that free will to choose to come back in the next incarnation as someone who is murdered is two fold. First, the universe is in the process of expansion. Expansion happens by knowing all it can know about itself. You are likely therefore, being a part of Source to try to understand and know everything you can know about every perspective in the universe. If you gained a lot of expansion out of a particular perspective, you may come back in another life and repeat the same kind of experience many times until you have extracted as much expansion as you choose to out of that type of incarnation. Conversely, you may realize your perspective is limited and you cannot expand without understanding the other side of a polarized perspective. For example, the polarized perspective from a lion would be the gazelle.
Second, the law of mirroring, which is also called the law of attraction, is always working in this universe. It transcends dimensions and extends beyond this individual life. It was a creation that was born within source consciousness as a result of the desire for source itself to become conscious instead of unconscious. If all there is, is Source, then all there is to become conscious of, is itself. Thus, self awareness is the motive, thus the design of a mirror was created. This simply means that you will experience the reflection of what you are. The law of mirroring is actually also what creates cause and effect. For the sake of your understanding, you can think of the cause as being the thing that is being reflected and the effect as the reflection in the mirror.
Like frequencies are drawn to like frequencies due to this mirroring within the universe in the same way that if you step in front of a mirror, you immediately (as if magnetically) see a perfect reflection of yourself there, whether you are willing to recognize that reflection as you or not. Every life that your “current of consciousness” projects itself into, alters the overall perspective it holds and therefore, the vibration it holds and patterns within that vibration. On a quantum level, this is what dictates what future lives you are a match to. They can be considered evolutionary potentials in the same way that your fate can be considered a future life path potential.
Part of what contributes to the overall frequency of your “current of consciousness” is free will… Personal desire and intention. So what you call the soul and what I call your “current of consciousness”, is a match to future lives for both conscious and unconscious reasons. And the more conscious you become, the more that free will dictates the incarnation cycle as well as what is reflected in a universe based on the law of mirroring. This is why there is truth to the idea that you will unconsciously choose to incarnate until you are fully conscious of free will. And believe me, you have no idea what I mean by that yet. And then, reincarnation is something that is either consciously chosen or not.
This means that the most likely scenario is that part of what dictated whether a person was born poor, versus rich or was born into an abusive family versus a loving one is free will, the desire from that “current of consciousness” to become more aware in alignment with source’s overall desire to be self aware. And part of it was the fact that the specific life was a vibrational match to the overall frequency of the “current of consciousness”.
People have got to accept that karma does not imply a kind of justice system in the universe. The reason why it doesn’t seem like people who you judge as bad get what’s coming to them, is because you do not see the actual reflection they are getting, you are instead looking at them through the lens of punishment and reward that you have been socialized into. What is happening in your life has nothing to do with whether you deserved something or not. Mirrors are impartial. They do not judge. They simply reflect.
When it comes to karma, as it plays out in your life today (not past or future incarnations) when most people observe what they call karma, they are really simply observing two things. The first is the principal law governing your time space reality, which is the law of mirroring. And the second is the law of cause and effect, which is simply a byproduct of the law of mirroring. To witness karma is simply to witness that in this universe, there is cause and there is effect. And it is to recognize that we will be a match to a reflection of whatever we ‘are’. For example, if we hold a pattern of creating transaction in relationships, we will be a match to people who also hold this pattern and who are transactional with us. Or, if we push people away, we end up alone.
If you do not understand why something in your life is being mirrored, it is because you are unconscious of it. If we are unconscious of what is within us or what we are, we will be shocked when we step in front of a mirror. Your future is always in flux. It is like a quantum soup of potentials, some of which you are more a match to due to what you are consciously thinking, saying and doing in your life now. Some of which you are a match to, due to what is unconscious within you. But if you change a pattern, you are a match to a different outcome. It just so happens that the average person doesn’t change much. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The Future. And remember that each moment is a new incarnation.
Depression is one of the most poorly understood conditions on the planet. All the ‘experts’ weigh in on what causes it and what solves it. But these causes and solutions are all over the map and often contradictory. And this can in turn add to the depression that people suffering from depression feel. Before I get into this episode, I need to say that depression is not a weakness and it is not something that you should be ashamed of. It is not a character flaw.
You can in fact understand depression as well as how to solve it by understanding the nuance in one single sentence. I’m going to give you this sentence and then use the rest of the episode to explain it in complete detail. Here it is: There is a big difference between resisting futility and accepting futility.
Everything you feel has a cause, dysfunctional brain chemicals are not the cause; they are the symptom. We are creators at our core. For us to feel good, we have to be able to perceive ourselves to be empowered so as to be able to alter our life so that our needs and desires are met. When we cannot do this, we feel powerless. Depression is caused by a situation in our life or many being something where no matter how many times we try and try and try, we cannot cause it to turn into what we want and what would meet our needs. Therefore, we feel it is futile. Futility and depression are synonymous.
What you will find is that life is relationships. If we talk about our home life, what we are talking about is our relationship to our partner, mother, father, siblings, children etc. If we talk about our career life that is still about relationships, but this time to customers, bosses, colleagues etc. So what this futility is really about is that you perceive that in order for something to become what you want and need it to become, you need cooperation from other people involved in the situation because you can’t create it or change it by yourself. But they will not collaborate and cooperate. Therefore, this incapacity to change the situation because you “can’t do anything about it” makes your self esteem go out the window and you perceive yourself to be forced to surrender to the tortured ended-ness of the fact that your life is suffering. This is pure futility. It is terrifying to learn that you cannot make someone take your best interests as a part of their own, and collaborate towards you feeling good in a situation. This causes anxiety. But anxiety in this scenario is simply like the phase before someone hits a sense of futility.
However, instead of accepting that futility, you resist that futility. Part of you does not give up which means you’re still in resistance to it. This creates a sensation that a person is not lost in a kind of darkness, but instead that they are becoming the darkness. To comprehend the way this works, imagine a person who wants to be let inside a gate to a village so badly that for years, they try every way to get it open and eventually slip into futility. At this point, they sit down motionless for years, still emotionally resisting that the gate is closed, hanging on to the strange possibility that one day, it might, so it’s just something you have to hang on through. All of this is done instead of getting up and walking to a different village.
Part of you has not given up. Part of you is not willing to let go completely. You refuse to cut your losses. You are so tied to the image of how you need something to be that you wont give up on it. This resistance to the futility is what makes you so exhausted all the time and keeps you stuck in endless futility. And people who suffer from depression tell themselves they “can’t” cut their losses, when this is really about choosing not to. And you have very valid reasons for not being willing to cut your losses. But no matter how good your reasons are, you stay powerless in this way. It is critical to become aware of just what you are so attached to that you can’t let go of by accepting that it will never come to be. What are you afraid will happen if you accept it is and always will be futile?
It is worth mentioning that some people use depression as a way to avoid committing suicide. This is because some people feel if they accepted the futility of a certain situation, they wouldn’t have any will to live anymore and would instead want to die. They would see no future. This often happens in situations where someone cannot conceive of wanting something else other that the specific thing they want and in the way they want it. For example, if they can’t get someone to love them back, they refuse to be loved by someone else. It is only ok if that single person loves them. People who suffer from depression also tell themselves that their needs are NOT going to be met anywhere other than in the situation that is futile. This is also more resistance to cutting their losses. They have to see that they subconsciously choose to commit to a dead end by doing this.
It is a common assumption that depression is about suppression. This is both true and not true, which means there is a subtle nuance here to understand. A person with depression isn’t actively suppressing. After years of trying (through not suppressing) to create the thing they wanted to create and get people to change in the way that would get their needs and desires met, nothing worked. So expressing their truth also feels futile. Communication does absolutely nothing, so there is “no point” in expressing. While this means that a person has to suppress their truth, it is a different flavor of suppression. It is not active suppression so that a situation can be what the person wants it to be. It is suppression because there is no point screaming for help if no one is around to hear it. Again, back to the futility. If you have depression, you are not authentic, because you think being authentic is futile.
So many children are stuck in this respect because the situation they often have to change (but that is futile) is the dynamics and arrangements of their family relationships, something that they are totally out of control of. If they try to express this, it only infuriates their parents and caregivers and thus makes matters worse for them. Childhood is prison where one’s happiness depends on the benevolence of the wardens. With a parent who is unwilling to help a child shift their life so they can feel good, a child is in hell and captive, powerless to change the circumstances of their life.
Here is where the spiral gets worse. Because of the unwillingness to actually accept the futility and focus on any other way of creating your desires and needs, you stay in the situation that is futile. To do this, you have to betray one part of yourself. And this part of you gets VERY mad at the other part. So it feels like part of you is destroying another part of you. It emotionally feels like self-digestion.
People who struggle with depression are both totally unaware of free will because they feel it is their responsibility to control the uncontrollable and get people to be how they want them to be (something they hate themselves for failing at). At the same time, they are all too damaged by free will. The grief they feel is that no one will participate in creating their version of a feel good life. They feel other people are all taking action, intentionally or unintentionally (and often idiotically as if oblivious) against it. You hate them for it because you feel so hurt by it. You can’t accept that other people have free will and with that free will, will not choose what is best for you. You also can’t accept that it is possible for you to do what isn’t best for yourself. You don’t understand this because it is an unhealthy relationship between two of your internal fragments. But because of this refusal to understand and accept that this is the case, you are just waiting for this to stop one day. As you wait, you feel more and more futility and more and more resistance to that futility the more people disappoint you by proving it is a futile situation over and over again.
And then the third aspect of this spiral of depression sets in. You look around and notice that no one feels this same futility that you feel. So you make it mean something about yourself. “Something is wrong with me because I can’t feel good”. But because of the magnitude of the amount you care about this situation and the magnitude of the futility in the situation, doing little things to try to feel better (things that seem to work for other people) does not work. It feels like throwing a tic tac at a charging rhino or trying to feel amazing about an ice cream cone, when an asteroid is headed for earth. Or watching a comedy show to laugh when someone you love and need is dying in a hospital bed. They are acutely aware that these little things will not make the overall issue any better.
What I am about to say is going to make some people very angry, but I have to say it. Depression is the byproduct of relationship dysfunction. Most people don’t want to see that depression is not chemically caused mental illness (remember the imbalance of chemicals is the symptom), but is the result of relationship dysfunction because most people don’t want to admit to the futility itself in the relationships they have. They would rather make it about how they feel. It is a coping mechanism for them to focus on brain chemical issues because this feels more empowering and promising than focusing on the real situation in their life that causes futility. It also offers hope that if someone sees they don’t feel good and are in fact ill, people might just feel enough pity to participate in creating their feel good situation instead of resisting it. For this reason, anti-depression medication is like shutting up the very voice telling you that an aspect of your life has to be changed, instead of actually changing it.
So what should you do if you struggle with depression?
Face your futility. Overcoming depression is all about becoming consciously aware of and facing and resolving the futility that is occurring in your life. Yet again, this could be a specific situation or multiple situations. Now that I have made you aware that depression is about futility and resisting instead of accepting that futility, look at your own life and recognize how this is playing out in your own life now. People often never get out of their depression because they keep trying new ways to make a futile situation not futile and therefore try to solve things in all the futility resistant ways they can think of, instead of facing the fact that futility in and of itself is the issue and especially, the resistance to that futility. This is why you should never approach healing from depression by “fighting depression”.
Do The Completion Process with the feeling of futility specifically. If you are depressed, the futility is about a situation you are currently in. But this pattern of futility is a pattern that began in childhood and this current situation, is a repeat/reflection of a situation in your past of this same kind of futility. To learn how to do this process, you can get a copy of my book that is quite literally titled The Completion Process. And if you want to be helped through the process instead of doing it on your own, you can find a practitioner who is trained to lead you through it at www.thecompletion process.com.
Work directly with the part of you that refuses to accept the futility and refuses to cut your losses. This is the part that continues to keep you adapting to the futile situation in ways that are detrimental to you. And this sets up a pattern of self-hate and internal anger. Also, work with the part of you that is opposite of that one. You don’t need to know what that part is specifically. You can simply say, “I choose with my free will to become the opposite part to the one that refuses to accept the futility and cut my losses” and allow yourself to really be overtaken by the energy of that part of yourself. To understand how to work with a fragment of your own consciousness like this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. Also, to increase your understanding about the internally focused anger that is created by this part of you, watch my video titled: Bulldozing (The Way To Ruin Your Relationship With Yourself)
Having accepted the futility, look for the ways you can move forward and the options you do have. You have to do something new. Resisting a futile situation puts you in a rut in life. Depression is all about focusing on what you can’t change and refusing to accept you can’t change it so as to focus on something else or do something else. Ask yourself, “If I accepted that what I want is never (and I mean never) going to happen, what would I do then or instead? It’s the thing where if you stop focusing on the door that is closed, you might see a window that is open. It may be hard to believe that your needs or desires can be fulfilled in any other scenario or even that any other option exists. For this reason, you might benefit by watching my videos titled: The Zebra and the Watering Hole and How To Meet Your Unmet Needs. Do something new even if you are simply doing it just to get out of your rut. The more drastically new, the better. The darkness you feel is the symptom of being disconnected from parts of yourself, and from what you really want in life.
You must develop safe relationships. Depression is about relationship dysfunction that makes you powerless to create the life you want. Most specifically powerlessness and un-safety when no one will be an ally to the creating of the life you desire and need. This means, you need to go to places where people see, hear, feel and understand you. You need to heal the trauma of no one choosing to align with you so as to participate in what you want to create with them. But to do this, you can’t keep trying to get people who have no interest in doing this, to do this. For this reason, one of the most important videos you will ever watch is my video titled: How To Create A Safe Relationship. Also, depression is an intensely isolating and lonely experience. Being a situation that is in fact set up by the relationships in your life and one that is resolved by creating safe relationships, I encourage you to read my book titled: The Anatomy of Loneliness, which clearly outlines what causes this sense of loneliness as well as how to go from loneliness to a sense of connection.
The more little things you do to make yourself feel like you have more power and control over creating the life you want, the better. If you are suffering from depression, understandably, you are super disempowered. On top of creating safe relationships, where people do cooperate in creating a life that feels good to you, you need to do lots of things in life, which don’t depend on other people to make you feel more empowered. Most of the suggestions people make about solutions to depression fit well into this category. Some examples might be deliberately eating foods that make you specifically feel good (especially mood boosting foods), spending time with animals, getting a massage or other form of touch, exercising, getting enough sleep, setting attainable and achievable goals and scratching them off the list when they are accomplished, taking on responsibilities which enable you to see your positive contribution, visiting and making new friends (this prevents you from isolating), taking control of your focus through positive focus or gratitude exercises or working with your core beliefs, sitting out in the sun, meditation, creating a routine, setting things in your schedule each day that you can look forward to even if it is as simple as watching a comedy show, picking up a new hobby, changing up things such as home décor or what room you sleep in or where you habitually go to eat etc.
If someone in your life is struggling with depression, do not treat them like you are afraid of them. There is nothing to be afraid of. Depression is not contagious and people need your presence, not for you to solve a problem you don’t know how to solve. Also, there is nothing shameful about depression and this includes resisting futility. You know how desperate it feels to not be able to create something you want to create. It feels like accepting that the person you love more than anything else has died and never knowing if you will ever get love again. So it is a great deal more complicated than simply deciding with your free will to stop resisting and accept that futility and do different things that are empowering instead. It is a great deal more complicated than just deciding to jump out of a hole or be more positive.
No one chooses to feel depressed any more than they consciously choose to resist something that is futile. This is a person that feels despair and desperation about a situation that is futile. And in their situation, anyone would feel that way. Lovingly help them to really focus on and face the pain they feel, don’t try to get them out of that darkness. Its better to hold their hand and dive consciously into it. My personal request to you is to become less afraid of other people’s suffering. Become less afraid of the way that watching other people suffer, makes you feel. All too often people abandon other people because of running away from feeling the feelings that seeing other people suffer, stirs in themselves.
If you are struggling with depression, it is my promise to you that the feeling of wanting to be alive and feeling inspired and energized is on the other side of realizing that you do have the power to create what you want in life. You can create your desires and fulfill your needs. And there are people in the world that want to participate in that process as an ally instead of an antagonist. But all of that is on the other side of no longer focusing on the absence of what you want. It is on the other side of accepting and facing and resolving your futility, instead of being unconscious of it and therefore subconsciously resisting it.
We all want to be seen. A big thing that we want seen is our excellence. We want people to see the positive in us, such as what we are good at, our positive traits and what makes us stand out above the rest. But all too often, people do not see our excellence. And we end up totally twisted up into confusion and desperate to make other people see us. But all of this is done in vain and today, I’m going to tell you why.
I’m going to tell you something that has the potential to change your entire life. Here it is: The recognition of excellence is 100% dependent upon desire. This may seem like a small statement. But if you really get it, then you will understand why some people do see your excellence and why other people don’t. You will also see that you can’t get them to see your excellence no matter how hard you try because you can’t change what they want. This can be one of the most freeing realizations. Because if they don’t see your excellence, you have to stop trying to get them to and instead focus on the people who will see it specifically because they want whatever you are excellent at.
To illustrate this truth, I’m going to introduce you to a specific form of trauma that some people on earth suffer from. The most common thing that happens if a child is responded to as if they always have to improve something about themselves or whatever they are doing, is that this child grows into an adult that feels like they are not good enough. This person will most likely end up with no self-esteem and putting themselves down or boasting to cover up low self esteem. But this is still a more empowered position because if it is clear that you aren’t good enough, you can always get better. There is always something that can be done to improve and therefore hope of one day being acknowledged for their excellence. This is not the kind of trauma that the demographic of people I’m talking about suffer from.
There is another kind of child; this child is naturally talented at one or several things. In this situation, it is not a matter of boasting, it is clear that this child is excellent, if not the very best at something. But the reaction they get does not reflect and match that. It becomes a gaslight. For example, a little 8 year old girl is in a gymnastics class and is able to do a double backflip in front of the class. When she does this, the coach says ‘good job’ and invites the next girl onto the floor. This little girl, who is also 8 years old, does a cartwheel, and the class as well as coach erupts into clapping and praise. The girl who is clearly excellent and clearly the best cannot believe she is not good enough because it is clear that is not reality. It isn’t possible to gaslight herself in this scenario. The reality is that she is the best in the class and she is excellent and so that can mean only one thing… That they don’t actually see her, which makes her feel like she is living life behind a pane of glass and no one can see in. She begins to believe that if she could just make them see her, she would receive the acknowledgement and recognition that makes sense for reality. The trauma here is that life is a gaslight, where the people who are obviously, not boastingly much more excellent are getting no recognition of excellence. This is the most powerless position. It is more powerless than feeling never good enough, because there is no way to improve. If you are already obviously the best and not getting any acknowledgement that this is the case, there literally is nothing you can do to get it.
What this little girl cannot see is the actual desires that the classmates and coach of this particular class have. Most adults (this includes many coaches who work with young kids) want kids to be cute. It isn’t cute for a kid to perform so high above their age. It is unsettling in fact. And what do kids want? They want connection with kids they can play with. For this, they have to feel good about themselves. They do not feel good about themselves next to a kid who is so good at something that they are both hard to relate to and hard to maintain self esteem around. They feel a greater sense of connection cheering someone on who is at their same level or below it. Neither the coach nor the classmates in this scenario want one of the students to be a prodigy. This means that they will not acknowledge the excellence of this prodigy. Instead they will recognize the excellence of someone who aligns with what they want.
It is tempting to assume that people have specific desires, especially if they are in a specific setting. But this is not the case at all. Think about it. We assume what someone wants is to get better if they walk into a doctor’s office, but lots of people simply walk through the door of a doctor’s office for different reasons than wanting to get better.
Your assumption that people who are into self help and spiritual awakening are wanting to see reality, makes it impossible for you to understand why some people recognize my excellence immediately and some people do not. If you sum up what it is that I am the most excellent at, it is showing you reality. I function as an embodied mirror. For this reason, I am more like an embodied form of a shamanic medicine. And what do we know about reality? Often it really, really sucks to look at. This means, for most people, I am uncomfortable.
I need you to see reality for a moment. If I gathered up all the people on the planet earth today and took that collective consciousness and extracted the #1 human desire, it would be COMFORT. Most people want to feel comfort. And so, they do not want what I am excellent at. And so they do not recognize my excellence. If you consider yourself someone who does recognize my excellence and therefore does want reality, look at what had to happen for comfort to no longer work for you. We all like comfort but many times, seeking comfort pulls you in the opposite direction of facing reality and facing yourself. This is also why the very field, which I am supposed to belong to (the field of spirituality, self-help and personal healing) is the place where my excellence is recognized the very least.
Of the people in the world, the people most seeking comfort are those who gravitate to the world of spirituality, self help and personal healing. It is also why, if you haven’t noticed, I have no specific demographic. People who want to see reality and want the truth no matter what that truth feels like, could come from any walk of life. They could be that Caucasian multibillionaire business man looking for a new perspective on life, this single African American mother living in the projects, that doctor, this chronically ill person who has been failed by modern medicine, that emotionally neglected wealthy housewife, this homeless man, that random catholic nun, this random Buddhist monk, that 15 year old trying to figure out life, this gay man, that stripper in Las Vegas, this person sitting in prison etc. I am a teacher of the people, because my excellence is showing you reality. The people, who do not recognize this excellence, do not want that.
The recognition of excellence often doesn’t happen because our parents wanted something different in the child of their choice than what we were naturally excellent at. This is why our sibling that could adapt to become whatever they wanted, was the one who was loved the most. For example, a boy who is excellent at athletics in a home where the parents want their child to be intellectually excellent will not be acknowledged or loved for that excellence. A child who is a natural problem solver will be shamed for their excellence in a home where the family agreement is “validate one another”. The child who is excellent for being smart enough to see reality in a family where there is a family overlay, will be told he or she is too difficult and will be turned into the family scapegoat.
Everything works this way. We only recognize the value of things according to our needs and the excellence of something according to our desires. This applies to everything, not just the recognition of our personal excellence. For example, in a time of war, money suddenly has no value. Alcohol does, because that is what people need. If a person wants a car and you give them a horse, they will not recognize the horse as excellent, they do not want a horse. A friend will not recognize the successes of their friend if what they want primarily is to feel equal or better in the friendship in terms of social status. A mother will not recognize the personal excellence of her child if that excellence is different to her own if what she wants is a mini-me. A person cannot recognize the excellence of the best athletes in the world in any sport if they have never wanted to excel at that sport or wanted to learn about that sport enough to really care about the sport.
Excellence can be developed, but it is inborn. It is in you, like a pearl inside a clamshell. No person is born without this pearl. The universe does not benefit by redundancy. It is always interested in unique and non-redundant excellence. If you were created as a separate being (which you were) it is because you are an embodiment of a very specific form of excellence. But we often do not see this excellence. We do not see what we are truly excellent at. And if we did see it, we are likely to feel bad about what we are excellent at, instead of feel good about it. This happens for two primary reasons. 1. If we are naturally excellent at something, it takes us no real effort to do, so we don’t see it as anything special. And 2. If we have no awareness of what we are naturally good at, we most likely got no reflection for it or negative reflection for it because we were conditioned to believe it was unimportant, unwanted, bad or wrong by our parents and/or family and/or school and/or society who wanted something different.
When we do not see our own excellence, we look to compete with others to be better than they are at what they are good at. Instead of experiencing the joy of effortlessly offering what is second nature to us and feeling the self esteem inherent in this, we gravitate toward jobs and people and places where we have to try hard and gain self esteem out of our hard work. We do not feel the fulfillment of walking in alignment with our unique purpose, which entails gifting the world with the gift we were imbued with upon our birth. We also do not gravitate towards the people, places and jobs where people really want what we genuinely have to offer. So we feel consistently undervalued.
Excellence and purpose are intertwined. They are also inborn. It does not change over the course of your life, it only enfolds, grows or changes its expression. People tend to think of purpose in terms of a career, but that is super limiting and also one-dimensional. It also prohibits you from creating new positions to fill within the universe instead of fitting into a box. For example, a person’s excellence might be commitment or organization or problem solving or efficiency or athletics or achievement. This could filter itself into many different expressions. And it should be filtered according to what expression feels the very best to the person. For example, a person whose purpose is organization might turn into a world expert home organizer or a secretary or a construction superintendent. And what feels best to a person will feel like fun. The reason that fun is so different from person to person is that a person has different intrinsic motivation. They have different intrinsic motivation because they are a different part of the makeup of the engine of the universe and therefore have different excellence and different purpose.
The thing about excellence and purpose is that you always know what it is down deep. It is not that you can’t find your purpose or excellence. It is that it is always there, staring you in the face, and you are in total denial of it. You are rejecting and disowning it even. When you disown your purpose, you feel it is lost to you and at the same time, because it doesn’t “go away” you also feel like it is going to force you against your free will to do what it wants, despite the consequences of doing so. You are already programmed to hate your own actual excellence or at the very least to see it as nothing to be celebrated and not of much value. For this reason, the first thing to ask yourself, is: What bad thing might happen or negative consequence might occur if I knew my excellence and purpose and could no longer escape or avoid it? Really take time to answer this question. Most people are living inauthentic lives so it’s valid to fear that finding your purpose might blow up the structure of the life you already built.
To get closer to your excellence, think back to your childhood. Spend time meditating on two questions. 1. What did you naturally and intrinsically do just for the doing of it? If you are worried your answer might not reflect something you liked doing for the sake of dong it, rather than for the sake of the way you were praised for doing it, imagine that you had no audience at all. Imagine that you received NO positive feedback for it at all. Would you still love doing it? And 2. What were you naturally doing all the time that you either got no recognition for, or that you couldn’t seem to stop doing no matter how much you were given negative feedback for it?
We are willing to preserve our social connections and defend the idea that they are actual connections (when they are not) at the risk of anything, including denying our actual excellence and purpose. And no one can force you. Your purpose cannot force you to align with it against your free will. And this is a funny idea anyway because if you just kept going in the direction of what felt good and facing and resolving any resistance when it came up, you would chose your purpose with your free will because that is the only thing that would feel good to you.
You love to tell yourself that your parents pulled you sideways of your actual purpose and excellence because they knew what was good for you. But they didn’t. They knew what was good for them. They knew what they desired. And when you were born as something different than that, they tried to turn you into what they wanted without realizing that this universe always pairs parents with children who are a match to their actual desires. The reason they can’t see this is… ‘Be careful what you wish for’. If a person wants happiness and is unhappy because of a coping mechanism they have, they will be given a child who demolishes their capacity to cope in that way. They will think when this is occurring that this child is not what they want.
Another good way to get close to your excellence is to think about what you think other people are really bad at, but that you can’t understand why they are bad at. This always points to inborn excellence. A person, who is incredible at something innately, does not relate to others being bad at the thing they are excellent at because it is their nature. You can also ask other people what they think you are excellent at. Pay special attention to the things they say that make you cringe. Question why you don’t want it to be true that you are excellent at those things. What did you make it mean if you were good at that thing? Can you challenge that meaning?
The reality is that you will choose your social group, most especially your family, over your purpose and inborn excellence and essence and nature. But this means you don’t really have a social group and you do not belong. It means you are not wanted by them. It means they do not see how you are in alignment with their desires. And the biggest gaslight of all is when people say ‘I love you and I want you” while trying to change who you are into what they want you to be. We fall for that gas light all the time to the detriment of our own universal calling and physical lives. The parts of us that continue to stay in false connection need to see that reality.
You will only get belonging in places and with people that actually recognize your excellence because they actually want what you are excellent at. Your abundance will also only come as a result of doing this. On earth, value is exchanged for value. If someone sees something of value and excellence that you are offering, because they want what you are offering, they will give you something of value for it in return. Your best bet if people do not see your excellence is to show people how what you offer in terms of excellence and purpose is in alignment with their desires. But if they will not see it, you cannot make them and you cannot make someone un-want what they want.
Gravitate to the people places and situations where your excellence is recognized. And as a society, we need to learn to develop the capacity to recognize excellence beyond the super self centered confines of our own desires, so we can recognize the need for and excellence of every role. If we can do this, we can then direct those things of excellence to the people, places and things that want them most. I cannot tell you how much the complexity of human society and the human ego has reduced the expansion and efficiency of human society by not recognizing excellence and putting that excellence where it belongs and is wanted most, instead of trying to get things that do not fit into their personal desire, to change what they are.
I am ending this article by asking you to ask yourself these two questions. 1. In any scenario where you feel your excellence is not being seen, ask yourself, what do they really desire that is making it impossible for them to recognize my excellence? 2. If I knew that the recognition of excellence was 100% dependent upon desire, how does that make my life look different retrospectively and how would that alter the way I live my life now?
If you fill a room with men and women and you ask the group “Have you ever feared for your life?” What happens is that a few men raise their hands. Each man that raises his hand has a story about a single incident such as an accident as a child or a fight they were in or a dangerous situation when they were traveling in college. What also happens is that every single woman raises their hand. If you ask “how many of you feared for your life in the last year?” Every male hand goes down. But every one of the women will keep their hands raised. If you ask how many of you feared for your life in the last month, again, the women keep their hands up. If you ask how many of you feared for your life in the last week, again the women keep their hands up. And this usually shocks the men to see. The fact that men are shocked to see this lays the stage for what men fundamentally do not get about women and what would change if they did.
Fear is something that everyone experiences. But fear plays a different role in the lives of men and women. For a woman, fear is woven into her biology. It is the baseline experience of her life whether she is consciously aware of it or not. It is something she lives with, like a prey animal, day in and day out. And when women have people that they care about (like a partner and like children) this fear simply grows. The experience of simply crossing a parking lot is an entirely different physiological experience for women. If you ever feel like it, studying the scientific differences in fear response between men and woman is very, very telling. For example, high stress situations cause men to feel less afraid. They do not perceive themselves to be powerless and thus tend to default to anger or proactive action. High stress situations tend to cause women to feel more afraid. They tend to perceive themselves to be powerless and thus feel intense fear and to not be able to do anything about it.
Besides basic biology and thousands of years of experience going into that biology, this world is not safe for women. All you have to do to get this is to look at is the statistics. Most men simply cannot relate to this perception of unsafety. Because they cannot relate to this and do not even know this is the perceptual experience for women, they do not understand how to behave around women and by not seeing this, make lots of mistakes. They do not understand that this baseline experience of fear that women live with every day is the single biggest determining factor for what women really want in relationships.
The most important thing to a woman in a relationship is trustworthiness. Trustworthiness is their ultimate definition of safety. It is their insurance policy against fear. Women want to be protected by a man. Safety is the single biggest motivator for women to be in a relationship with a man. But to be safe in a relationship and protected by a man, means first and foremost that he, himself is safe. To trust someone is to feel as if you can rely on them to capitalize on your best interests. When someone is trust worthy, it means they are a person who will capitalize on your best interests. But to do that, a person needs to know what is actually in your best interests. For this reason, the single most important thing for a man to develop is attunement.
Attunement is being or bringing into harmony. A feeling of being “at one” with something. The best way to imagine attunement is to imagine sitting in your car and reaching out for the radio dial. If you want to hear the music being played at a specific frequency, like 98.2 FM, you need to tune your radio dial to 98.2 FM. And then you will hear the music. Your own radio dial needs to be brought into harmony with or become one with the radio channel you want to receive in order to perceive that radio channel.
It’s no different with other beings, including people. To be able to perceive other people and to feel and see and hear them and understand them and communicate with them, you need to attune to them. You need to tune into them as if you are them, so as to be able to feel or imagine the other person’s emotional experience and to understand what they are feeling. This is what allows you to know what to say to someone and do in any given situation with someone.
Unless you are attuned to a woman, you will have no idea what her best interests actually are. You may think you do, but you don’t. You have to see, hear, feel and understand her. This is what makes you safe to a woman. For this reason, if you really want to have a relationship with a woman, the single most important thing you will ever learn how to do is the art of attunement and to commit yourself completely to being trustworthy. For this reason, I suggest that you watch two of my videos. The first is: Trust (What Is Trust And How To Build Trust In Relationships). The Second is: Attunement (The Key To a Good Relationship).
If a man was attuned enough to know that a woman lives in a state of fear both emotionally and physically, a man would behave differently around her. His priority would shift to helping her feel safe, including helping her to feel safe with him.
Men, not having this same experience of fear that women have, often minimize women’s emotions, dismiss them, distract her from them, invalidate them and worse, make women feel that they are crazy or that something is wrong with them. In other words men behave as if women shouldn’t feel that way, because they don’t feel that way. By behaving this way, you signal to a woman that you are unsafe. You increase her fear by signaling to her that you do not see, hear, feel and understand her. That you will not be there for her, that you do not value her wellbeing, that you will not take care of her or protect her, and that you can be relied upon to make her feel worse about herself.
This dynamic of men not making the woman’s feeling of safety the most important focus has profound implication because one of the most common complaints that men have in relationship counseling is not enough sex. This isn’t because men are assholes that only care about sex. This is primarily because men tend to experience the need for sex in order to feel emotionally connected to a woman. Nothing prevents a woman from being able to be sexually aroused like fear. For a woman to be aroused she must feel safe enough with you to be vulnerable and she needs to feel emotionally connected to you to do that. In this way, woman and men are reversed. Attuning to her so as to act in a way that tells her that you are trustworthy is what accomplishes that emotional connection.
Women can bulldoze themselves. They can act sexually aroused and have sex with you and fake orgasms, but they cannot be truly sexually aroused unless they feel safe. Even the couples that are into BDSM relationships must create a feeling of safety for the woman in order for her to be genuinely aroused. In fact that feeling of positive ownership inherent in an in alignment BDSM relationship must provide so much safety that the woman can feel safe with the man, even when he is tying her up or blind folding her for example. For this reason, I suggest you watch my video titled: Own People! (How To Take Ownership of Your Relationships).
It is important to note that if you are not emotionally available for a woman, not only does this make you not trustworthy; it means she will feel alone in the relationship. Remember that alone = unsafe and in pain. It is inevitable when this is the case that the relationship will end.
It is not in fashion in a world that sees fear as weakness and that shames you for feeling fear, for a woman to admit that she lives in a state of fear for her physical safety and wellbeing as well as emotional safety and wellbeing nearly constantly. We are praised if we play the tough girl. We are praised if we say we don’t feel fear. We are praised if we say we don’t need a man. A strong woman is seen to be a woman who does not exhibit fear. But as a result, men have no idea what is going on with us. They don’t get what women needs because it isn’t societally acceptable since the women fought to get rights and to be considered equal to men for women to tell men what is going on with them, which is fear. Women need to see that they are brave, they are brave because bravery implies fear and that is something women live with as a baseline of their life experience.
As a man, you must really accept this reality of fear in a woman’s life experience. Even if a woman does not act demonstratively afraid, she will respond to you behaving in a way that ensures her that you will dedicate yourself to her feeling safe, especially with you. Ask yourself this question: If I knew that this woman was truly afraid in this situation, what would I say and do differently? There is nothing sexier and more desired in the world to a woman than a man who is always looking for little ways to ensure her of her safety and wellbeing and to enhance it.
In our world today, need is a dirty word. People love to deny, suppress and disown their needs as if that somehow makes them a better person. We are addicted to independence. But here’s the problem: No matter how much you may want it to be different, you have needs. Every being on earth has needs. A need is something that is required in order to live, succeed or be happy. And you cannot un-require something that is required. You cannot argue your way into seeing that it isn’t necessary. You have one option when it comes to your needs and that is to meet them. There are many needs we love to deny. But today I’m going to talk to you about one of them. It is the need for touch.
People are preoccupied and obsessed with the idea of overriding their biology. If you look around the world today, our modern society is an example of this. Religion looks to suppress all instinctive energies within us like sexuality, hunger, and desire. Our modern society has made it so that we are mentally and emotionally ready to have babies at age 30 to 40, when our bodies are in fact on the downswing of fertility at that age. We have become, as a society, obsessed with finding a way to be immortal. We want to transcend all that makes us human. But when it comes to connection, we find ourselves in real trouble when we try to override our biology.
We might like to think that we can physically exist without each other, but we can’t. Healthy autonomy cannot arise in a person who has no sense of safety or adequacy, which for a physical human is provided through the person’s learned sense of security of connection. For a physical human, the chemical cocktail that our body releases in response to touch and contact comfort connection is the exact opposite of the chemical cocktail that is released in response to fear and shame. And so we need to accept that connection is our antidote. The sooner we can accept this reality about ourselves, the better. We are a social species. And more than that, we are a social species that needs contact comfort. Yes, I am talking about human touch.
I’ve never forgotten about a series of experiments that were done by a man named Harry Harlow in the 1950s. He was seeking to understand the human need for love, and the critical role that it plays in both primate and human development, so he separated a group of baby rhesus monkeys from their mothers when they were born.
The baby monkeys were each caged alone in the lab and allowed no physical contact with the personnel in the lab or with each other even though they could see the other monkeys and personnel. They immediately began exhibiting signs of distress. They clutched themselves, began rocking, staring into space as if dissociating, biting themselves, and biting their cages. They did not play or groom themselves and they seemed vacillate between anxiety and depression.
The babies were then assigned to one of two fake surrogate mothers. One was a model made of chicken wire that was covered in soft terrycloth. It was made to look roughly like a monkey. This surrogate did not provide any food. The other surrogate mother was also made of chicken wire, but no terrycloth. It had a crocodile looking head and provided milk from an attached baby bottle.
To say that the babies favored the mother covered in terrycloth is an understatement. The comfort these babies received through touch contact was incomparably more important to them than even their physical hunger. They needed connection more than they needed nourishment. This is also the case for people, not just monkeys. If our need for nourishment was stronger than our need for connection with one another, we would not meet people who can’t eat or sleep when they experience a painful break-up with someone they loved.
There is another unforgettable research study that I learned about in my university courses. It was a study done in the United States in the 1940s and was conducted on 40 newborn infants. I clearly remember that the objective was to determine whether individuals could thrive on basic physiological needs alone, without physical affection.
Twenty of the newborn infants were housed in a special facility where caregivers would enter the facility to feed them, bathe them, and change their diapers, but they would do nothing else. The caregivers had been instructed not to look at or touch the babies more than what was necessary and never communicate with them. All their physical needs were attended to scrupulously and the environment was kept sterile so as to prevent any of the babies from becoming ill.
The experiment was stopped after four months because by that time, at least half of the babies had died. More babies subsequently died even after being rescued and brought into natural familial environment. There was no physiological cause found for the deaths of these babies. They were all physically very healthy.
I specifically remember that one of the most disturbing facts was that before each baby died, there was a period of time where they would stop verbalizing and stop trying to engage with their caregivers. They would stop moving, stop crying, and stop changing their expression and death would follow shortly after. It was as if the babies had given up living before they died. This was the case even for the babies who died after being removed from the experimental conditions.
In today’s world, we are obsessed with technology. It’s hard to go anywhere and find people who are genuinely engaged with one another. Most people are fully engaged instead with a technological device. Their noses are buried in their computers or cell phones. And while social media has provided incredible opportunities to be connected with each other around the world, no matter where we are, social media only provides connection up to a degree. Physical connection cannot be replaced and its importance can’t be underestimated. We can’t get physical contact through a screen or from a distance. We need touch. We need vicinity. We need the comfort of being in physical contact with one another. And we must consider this when we are developing connections in our life.
The reality is that as humans, we need touch. Even the people, who are the most afraid of and hurt by human connection, need it. This is why the loneliest and most deeply hurt people experience so much torment. If we didn’t absolutely need touch and we were hurt by people, we would simply go on our merry way and never touch other people again. But we can’t. Instead, if we’ve been hurt by others, we spend our life in a torturous tug of war between the side of us that needs other people and the side that wants to be able to have nothing to do with them.
It is obvious that there are many ways we can be physically injured when it comes to touch and that this sets up a poor relationship to touch in general. But by far the majority of the pain we experience as people around touch is because of the emotional meaning we add to touch. People cannot stop adding meaning to touch and so touch is not touch for the sake of touch in our world. Instead touch is a tool. This meaning we add to touch destroys the purity of touch and makes it rather unsafe to touch each other.
For example, if your parent made you serve them and/or honor them through physical touch and there were consequences for not doing so, physical touch now means subservience and slavery and is no longer an organic expression of love. Touch is often used as a tool for manipulation and so when you touch someone, it may mean to him or her that you want something from them. If touch only ever meant that someone wanted sex, then touch will be interpreted solely as an emotional communicator that the person wants to have sex with you.
Meaning is added to touch and also the different types of touch in every race, culture, religion, society and family. For example, in American culture, if a guy slaps another guys butt in sports, it means encouragement. If a guy slaps another guys butt outside sports, it means he is gay. In Scandinavian cultures, you can’t touch a person of the opposite sex without it meaning that you want to be with them sexually or romantically. In Brazil, you can expect to be hugged and kissed by everyone even if you are a stranger. There is no physical bubble. It doesn’t mean anything other than friendliness and welcome.
Even in one culture, the way a touch is given changes the entire meaning. A softer handshake for example can mean a warm greeting whereas a firm handshake can mean ‘take me seriously’. There are differences in the societal acceptance around boys touching and girls touching. The powerless thing is that we can’t control the meaning that other people add to us touching them. And we add meaning that makes it not easy to just receive touch ourselves. Because of the complexity of the language of touch, touch seems so complicated; most of us end up in pain about it. We all end up touch deprived.
Humans need SO much more touch than they are getting across the world. In fact, purely biologically speaking, there is no single person who could provide enough touch for another person. Imagine a baby. When the baby is born, everyone who comes into contact with that baby, caresses the baby. The child in this healthy environment can run up and get a hug from mom one minute and the next sit on dads lap and the next, sit down and have their arm lightly stroked by grandma and the next, run hand in hand with their friend. In a healthy world, this would be how adults could live with each other in community as well. Obviously there are healthier cultures, communities and individuals than others in this respect.
If touch has been something that has led to pain for us, we need to work touch back into our lives slowly and with someone that we trust. Somatic therapy is one example of something we may need to do first before we can let people in our social circle provide touch for us in our day-to-day lives. It is to be expected that we would need to be rehabilitated if unloving touch was part of our wounding, as is so typical with abuse. But we do need this rehabilitation if we want to live lives where we genuinely feel connected to other people, at peace with the world and emotionally satiated.
When we are trying to satiate the need for touch, we need to stop suppressing this need within ourselves. We need to begin to look at touch as something that we do for touch sake. For example, we love petting a dog or cat for the sake of the pleasure of that touch in and of itself. It is a pure form of touch because it nourishes both the one touching and the one being touched. This is why it feels so safe for many of us to caress and be physically affectionate to an animal, but not a person. The communication is clear.
See, sense or feel that your body needs touch. Your skin and muscles and organs are starving for it. You are also starving for that form of communication emotionally. Some examples of nourishing types of touch are: Sitting with someone so we can feel their body against ours, holding, patting, gripping, rubbing, hugging, holding hands, gentle and comforting stroking, tickling, cuddling, massage, squeezing, pulling, forehead against forehead and kisses to name a few.
When we want touch from someone or initiate touch with someone, we can keep ourselves safe by getting very clear on the meaning of the touch before we do it and communicating with the other person about it. Essentially we must aim to take the room for interpretation out of it. Touch is one of the most powerful forms of primal emotional communication. We need that communication; the emotional message being conveyed through touch. But we also need touch in and of itself separate from a communication tool.
For the sake of your awareness, really ask yourself what meaning you specifically add to the different forms of touch. Where did you learn that meaning from? How does the meaning you add to touch differ from the meaning other people add to touch? Take a day and on that day, just watch people and how they touch. Take note of every time they touch and the meaning or communication being conveyed by that touch. Make a study of this form of communication.
Whenever you are experiencing touch or giving touch, ask yourself: What does this touch emotionally mean and what do I want it to mean? In this way, we make sure we are on the same page. It may seem less organic this way, but it is a necessary part of the rehabilitation. This makes touch safe to give and receive. And when you find yourself in a partnership, you will have to communicate about the meaning of touch as well in order to be on the same page so that touching other people outside the partnership is done in ways that makes both people feel satiated but also safe. Touch is something that creates jealousy in relationships faster than almost anything else.
As long as we are physical, there will not be a day when we don’t need touch from each other. Our sense of well-being is dependent upon us meeting this need for one another. We need to find opportunities for contact comfort and then we need to allow these experiences into our life. And we need to accept that it’s futile to fight against this aspect of our biology. If we can separate out the meaning of touch from the touch itself so as to clearly agree upon it and begin to touch each other for the sake of touch itself, we will create a healthier and more emotionally secure world to live in.
Every religious discipline is rich with metaphor. The archetypal characters involved in the stories that make up the religions represent so much spiritual truth and to the flip side, are open to so much misinterpretation. This is particularity true of the Christian religions.
To simplify your understanding of Christ and Lucifer, I need you to see both Christ and Lucifer as a consciousness split or polarity within the universe rather than a being or person. Therefore, Jesus is not Christ, rather Jesus (the person) is the channel or vessel for Christ Consciousness to express itself in the physical. And the same is true if a person becomes the vessel for Luciferian Consciousness. Simply put, Christ Consciousness is two main things. It is free will and it is love. If you put this together Christ Consciousness is quite simply the choice to love. Luciferian Consciousness is determinism and it is separation. Because Christ Consciousness is love, it is unity. Because Luciferian Consciousness is separation, it is selfhood. And this means that Lucifer is the Consciousness of Ego. Christ Consciousness is that which is beyond Ego.
The actual story of Christ and Lucifer or Jesus and Satan is the same as the story of Buddha and Mara in Buddhism. The exact same characters in two different cultures. Mara represents the Ego and Buddha, the consciousness that is beyond the ego. To understand more about this consciousness that is beyond ego, watch my video titled: Oneness is not the ultimate truth of this universe.
The ego is one of the biggest topics in spirituality. Nearly every spiritual teacher throughout history has taught about it. The ego in summary is the singular identity that you call by your name. It is an amalgamation of all the things you identify with… The things you call I, me or mine. Ego is Self Concept. It is usually considered to be the barrier to enlightenment or the barrier to heaven, depending on which spiritual discipline you subscribe to. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Self Concept, The Enemy of Awakening.
For this reason, for thousands of years spiritual practice around the world has had one prerogative and aim and practice: To transcend the ego and overcome it. Metaphorically speaking, it has been to defeat Lucifer or defeat Mara. But all this is coming to an end because it must.
There is much talk in Christan circles about the many disguises of Satan. Just like there are many discussions in Buddhism about the many disguises of Mara. But what we are going to have to accept is that the ultimate disguise of Lucifer is as the singular Christ. If someone says, I am Christ, they are actually in Luciferian Consciousness. This is because Christ Consciousness is love. To love is to take something as part of oneself. To learn more about this, watch my video titled: What is Love. Christ Consciousness therefore, is to take all things as part of oneself and to do so with your free will. This is why Jesus embraced the Lepers as part of himself for example. If Christ recognizes itself in and of all things in existence, it can no longer recognize itself as a singularity. It would recognize itself (and Christ therefore) in a piece of bread, in an animal and in every other person on the street. To say I am Christ, is to separate. It is Luciferian consciousness in the disguise of Christ.
Christ Consciousness is to take all things as part of oneself; there are no exceptions to this rule. Therefore, the ultimate act of Christ Consciousness is to take Lucifer as itself. To genuinely choose love with your free will is to create unity by not recognizing this split within the universe. Ready for the catch? If a person does this with the attitude that they are such a good person for doing so, they are back in ego consciousness. If Christ Consciounsess feels as if it is good for loving Luciferian consciousness, it is automatically not Christ consciousness, but Luciferian consciousness again.
Most people are afraid of Luciferian Consciousness. I find this amusing because nearly every single person walking the planet today is in fact aligned with Luciferian Consciousness. Nearly everyone is operating from the Ego. They perceive themselves to be separate and consistently do things to maintain their singularity. Nearly everyone is living their life from their subconscious mind, their programming and thus is acting from determinism instead of free will. For example, if you experienced loss in your childhood and as a result, automatically put a wall up to becoming attached to someone, you are operating from a place of determinism and therefore Luciferian Consciousness. Doesn’t seem so evil anymore does it?
And guess what? People who call themselves Christian or Buddhist or Spiritual are usually operating from Luciferian Consciousness the very most. They are waging an active war against Luciferian Consciousness and by doing so, aligning perfectly with it. This is why there is a saying “no one can hate and exclude like a Christian.” This is why in the name of oneness, so many Buddhists have denied, suppressed and disowned so many parts of themselves. This is why spiritual people keep falling into the trap of having such intense egos about being egoless.
The spiritual field, which includes religion, is the place where the most dangerous egos exist and it is the place where the ego takes the most brilliant disguises. For more information about this, watch my video titled: The Sad Truth About Most Gurus.
What is the lesson we need to learn here? What is the true Lesson of Buddha and Christ, Lucifer and Mara? The lesson is to integrate your ego. It is not to defeat your ego. It is not to disown or transcend your ego. It is to integrate your ego. To integrate your ego, you must really own it as part of yourself. You must see it, hear it, feel it and come to understand it so that you can meet its needs and care for its best interests. The opposite of what we have been trying to do for thousands of years.
Integration is the true desire and mission of that which we call God or Source or Universe. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Integration, The True Mission of God. The rejection, suppression of and denial and disowning of the ego causes the ego to have no other choice than any other part of us has if it is rejected, suppressed, denied and disowned. Its only choice is to manipulate in order to get its needs met. To take on disguises in order to get its needs met. This includes its most terrifying disguise, the ego in the form of the transcendental self… A transcendental self that is concerned with the superiority and personal goodness inherent in that persona. All you need to do to recognize this form of the ego is to attend a spiritual/new age gathering sometime.
Manipulation is nothing more than something getting its needs met in an indirect way, because it feels it cannot get them met in a direct way. For more information about this, watch my video titled: Meet your needs! We need to own our ego and develop intimacy with it and choose with our free will to take it as a part of ourselves to end this war of polarity in the universe. If we are going to say that we align with Christ Consciousness, we need to practice choosing to love. We need to love that which is Luciferian in consciousness. This is the hardest practice of all. And it cannot be done so as to see ourselves as good. It must be done because we are sick of suffering… Because from a space of love, we would not wish this suffering of separation and determinism on our worst enemy. In fact, we cannot wish it on them because they are us. So wishing it on them, is to wish it on ourselves.
And so, I am asking you today to end your war with your ego. The ego is a necessary part of awakening. Awakening cannot happen without Ego. The enlightenment of Buddha cannot happen without Mara. Lucifer is not separate from Christ Consciousness, it is the part of Christ Consciousness that simply sees itself as separate and continues to be treated as such because of it. The ego comes with many gifts. Gifts you will never see if you stay in the rejection of it. Commit today to the practice that both Buddha and Christ were trying to teach you before their message was distorted by those who could not understand it themselves. Commit to integrating your ego, not transcending it.
Welcome to the spiritual field, the land of confusion. Everyone in this field has an opinion and so many of those opinions seem to contradict one another. It is really hard to try to figure out what is right in this ocean of perspectives. And this is especially the case when channels are offering some of those perspectives. For this reason, I am going to teach you today about channels and channeling to try to clear up some of that confusion.
Everything in this universe is made of consciousness. We like to think that we are limited to only our own consciousness. But what a method actor knows is that they can actually take on the consciousness of someone or something entirely different by letting go of their own consciousness and perspective first. They can get into character so deep that they don’t even relate to themselves anymore and often die tragically after their darkest roles for this reason. When this is happening, they aren’t ‘pretending’. In pretending, you are using your mind to imagine what it might be like to be something else. When we are pretending, we are experiencing something else through the filter of our own consciousness. What a method actor is doing is removing this filter entirely. He or she is consciously choosing to become possessed. It is a form of willing possession. They are allowing their body to be taken over by another consciousness, like a radio would be taken over by a certain channel that is then played through that radio.
A method actor usually has a very poor grasp of their own identity. This is why they find this process so easy. But we can all do this in fact to the degree that we are capable of stepping away from our own consciousness and identity and inviting another consciousness to take over our body. We can also split so part of us is possessed and part of us is watching that possession. Intentional channeling is simply a nicer word for intentionally allowing yourself to be possessed. So, possession and channeling are one and the same. Some people, people who we call channels are naturally adept at this process. They can dis-identify from their own identity and perspective and tune into another stream of consciousness in the same way that a person can tune into a certain radio channel on the radio.
Technically, because everything is made of consciousness, anything in the universe could be channeled, no matter if it is living or not. But in the spiritual field, when we refer to channels, channels like Abraham Hicks or Jane Roberts and Seth or JZ Knight and Ramtha or Lee Carol and Kryon for example, we are referring to a person who is channeling a specific entity or group consciousness for the sake of human awakening. The consciousness being channeled tends to have a consciousness that is not limited to the physical dimension and vibrates at a higher dimensional level. We could call it a more objective perspective than the one most physical humans hold, which is why that perspective can be so beneficial. It is also why it can feel so good to listen to them and attune to the frequency of their consciousness. And… there are some things you need to understand about these channels and the consciousness that they are channeling.
A consciousness that is being channeled is limited by the consciousness of the person channeling it. Any time a consciousness goes through a channel, it is being altered because it is being passed through a translation device. The best channelers are simply those that can alter it the least. We call these ‘clear channels’. Think about it. No language exists beyond the dimensions where time and space do not exist because it doesn’t need to. In a universe with 12 distinct dimensions, verbal language begins to fall apart in the 5th dimension and most channeled entities belong to the 6th dimensional consciousness and beyond. This means that even using language to convey a thought is a matching game. Finding the word that most closely vibrates at the frequency of the concept. And believe me, this is WAY, WAY limited.
Also, if a channeler has a fixed way of thinking that acts as resistance to the thoughts being conveyed by the consciousness being channeled, they will be unable to access thoughts that are beyond that. For example, if a person has already decided that God is a person like being in the sky and that angels are his messengers, the information he channels will be crammed into that basic and limited understanding. The true information will be distorted through translation. Also manipulation is a issue with channeling. If you really, really want the answer from a spirit guide or whatever to be a certain thing, you are likely to manipulate that channeling so as to get the answer you want and can live with, rather than be able to clearly channel the actual answer to your question. So we have to get that channels are living translation devices. Some are simply much better than others. To be a truly great channel, you have to be willing to have no stable and fixed perspective and allow the perceptual rug to get pulled out from under you over and over again. You have to be an expert of stretching your perspective and total dis-identification.
Even when an entity chooses a person as its channel because they have an empty enough mind and loose enough identity to provide the least interference with their message, it still takes A LOT of personal work on your own ego to be a clear channel as well as to have a personal consciousness high enough to be a match to the frequency of the consciousness you are channeling so it will be purely translated instead of crammed into the limitation of the channeler’s own consciousness.
People tend to think that spirit guides and extraterrestrial beings etc. are always right. This is also a misunderstanding. These beings that exist on higher dimensional planes still have an individual perspective or a group perspective that does not necessarily represent full, objective perspective. They also have decided upon an intention and have motives as well as personal desires. Therefore, those perspectives can also be limited. They are in the process of expanding their conscious awareness as well. Most of the time, they simply see from a higher, more objective vantage point than we do. But that does not mean that there are not consciousness’s that exist that are more objective than their own. For example, you could say that a kindergartener has a more objective perspective about the world than an ant does. But it is easy to see that there are people on the planet with a much more objective perspective about the earth than the kindergartener. Therefore, the reason to listen to them is because they often hold a much more objective perspective than a physical human does and see things humans are totally unaware of. However, never fall into the trap of thinking that there are not different consciousnesses in the universe that would view the perspectives belonging to your spirit guides in the same way that we would view the perspective of an ant… Adorably limited.
Seeing as how so many of these entities are coming from an 11th dimensional consciousness, you need to understand the problem with 11th dimensional consciousness. When an entity or group of entities is coming from an 11th dimensional consciousness, they are coming from a certain perspective. It is a perspective that invalidates the perspectives at lower dimensional levels. To an 11th dimensional consciousness, there is no death. There is no separation between non-physical and physical. There is no such thing as resistance. There is no time. There is no space. From 11th dimensional perspective, there is no point to integrate because the purpose of universal expansion through negative and positive is not only apparent, but has been specifically chosen by those who exist at that dimensional wavelength. Free will is also an absolute of existence.
From a physical dimensional perspective, there is death. There is time. There is space. There is a huge separation between physical and non-physical. Most people are functioning from a space of determinism and thus have no real access to free will. And resistance absolutely exists because we fully experience fragmentation. Therefore; integration is a critical part of releasing resistance and embodying that free will. But guess what? 11th dimensional consciousness is not integrated, it simply thinks it is. Just like a narcissist thinks that everyone is an extension of himself. Because it does not experience death, it will not acknowledge death as a reality. Because it does not experience fragmentation, it will not acknowledge fragmentation as a reality. Because it sees the 3-d reality as a learning hologram, it will not acknowledge the body as reality. It will not recognize the difference between itself and lower dimensional perspectives so as to actually find the uniting factor that creates the integration between dimensions. If you cannot expand wide enough to integrate the 11th dimensional consciousness with physical 3-D consciousness, you will be enhancing the fragmentation that already exists in this universe. You are unintentionally and unknowingly on the side of separation and therefore suffering. And you will therefore be selectively identified with your non-physical perspective to the detriment of your physical perspective. The teachers that teach from this perspective are therefore some of the most dangerous people walking the planet today.
The best way to imagine this is to think of yourself sitting on the couch and playing a virtual reality video game in which you have chosen an avatar for the game. If you come from 11th dimensional perspective, you do not forget that you created the avatar and you have not forgotten that you are technically sitting on a couch. You know you are not the avatar. You don’t have a huge issue with what happens to you in the game, because it is a game. You do not see it as ‘real’. But believe me, if you were stuck in grand theft auto… if that was your life, it would matter a great deal whether or not you got in that car wreck or not. This failure of consciousness belonging to the 11th dimensional perspective to fully own the 3-D reality as real and part of itself is why channels are so often limited as teachers and lead people into resistance to their own 3-D selves. Even when an ‘avatar’ wakes up to the fact that he or she also has an aspect that is sitting on the couch, that doesn’t mean that suddenly he or she does not die in the physical. Even though reality is different in these different dimensions, it doesn’t mean each reality is not equally real. This means, whether 11th dimensional perspective would like to admit it or not, death is a reality. So is no death. Suffering is a reality. So is the idea that suffering is an illusion. To understand more about all of this, watch my videos titled: The Sad Truth About Most Gurus. And realize that most spirit guides are in essence gurus that are identified with the eleventh dimensional perspective because that is where they exist and they do not have physical bodies. And also watch my video titled: Why are Spiritual Teachers So Contradictory.
Entities that are being channeled do not have the attachment to honesty that humans do. This is a human value. They will tell you whatever they believe is in your best interests to hear at a given time, this is especially true if they are teaching personal expansion. This is why they can be so contradictory at times. It is also why when these entities first begin interacting through channels, they will ‘test’ the waters’ of human consciousness and based on the reaction they get within human kind, decide upon a change of strategy and a change of message. For example, many entities in the 80s warned people about things before realizing that if a person is warned, they do not shift their focus and actions so as to create something else. Instead they focus squarely upon it and create that very thing. Therefore most of them, despite seeing the human race barreling towards a third world war, began switching their tune and saying that everything in the future of humanity is amazing. This was an attempt to help people to release their resistance and line up with the positive expansion of the human race. It is not truth. It is simply that the strategy of truth often leads a human into resistance instead of a state of allowing.
There is something beyond 11th dimensional reality. There is something beyond oneness. If you want to learn more about this, watch my video titled: Oneness Is Not The Ultimate Truth Of The Universe. Universal expansion is already a concept that this level of universal consciousness has evolved beyond. Therefore, the most objective consciousness of the universe so far has outgrown the idea of universal expansion through polarization; the contrast of positive, negative, wanted and unwanted. The universe has recognized its own “split’ between polarities within itself as being the cause of its own suffering. For this aspect, integration is therefore the desire belonging to it. To create or be pure positive is no longer the desire within you once you recognize all things as part of yourself. You no longer see things from a perspective of polarity. At that point, the desire to integrate is not coming from the idea that you have to accept what you don’t want to accept or like what you do not like. In fact, it can’t come from this idea. Integration is seen as the only way to end resistance. Polarity, including wanted and unwanted, positive and negative, is in and of itself a resistant state of being. It is resistance to who and what the universe really is.
I love channeling. I love channels. Coming from the perspective they hold, they have incredible awareness and can offer incredible insight. But if you do not understand these things about channels and channeling, you could lead yourself far down the path of misinformation and confusion. It is time to expand your perspective.
I want you to imagine a bulldozer. When a bulldozer encounters resistance or opposition, what does it do? It drives straight through and over it. It will not stop and consider and it will not work with whatever is resisting it, so that there is any alignment. It plays a zero sum game with whatever is opposing it. “I win and you lose. I get my way and you don’t.”
How many people in your life do you know that act like this in relationships? Whenever they encounter anything that opposes them, they disregard it and bulldoze right through the person opposing them in any way? It’s the parent who does not care if their child is miserable in school, and says “you’re going no matter what and don’t complain about it.” It’s the boyfriend who doesn’t listen to his girlfriend saying she’s scared and doesn’t want to, and grabs her hand to force her to cliff jump with him. It’s the spiritual master who says “Everything comes from your connection to god, you should not need anything or anyone and if you do, it is because you are caught in illusion”. What all these circumstances have in common is no accommodation. To accommodate is to provide space for something in your consideration so as to include its desires or needs. When we are bulldozing, we are refusing to accommodate. This is a recipe for disaster.
There is no possible way for someone to be bulldozed and be ok with it. If we are playing a zero sum game, where we win and they lose (which we are if we are bulldozing) they can no longer trust us because trust is about relying on someone to capitalize on our best interests. Trust depends on accommodation. And seeing as how to love is to take something as a part of you, if you bulldoze, you are not taking them as a part of you, you are simply running them over to get your way as if it was possible to do that and suffer no consequences yourself. It is a recipe for relationship ruin. It is a recipe for other people to see us as the enemy, not the ally.
But this article is not about other people. This article is about you. The reality is that no matter how good or bad you may be at not bulldozing other people, you do bulldoze yourself. As people, we bulldoze ourselves nearly every day and we don’t even realize it; or the damage it is actually doing.
The concept of bulldozing yourself does not make any sense if you continue to see yourself as a singularity. For this reason, you have to see that you are not a singularity. Consciousness itself functions like water. If you are looking at a river from above, you can see that a large river often branches off into smaller rivers. Due to trauma (which occurs in all people’s lives with no exception, the question is simply to what degree) our consciousness splits just like a river does. It splits so that instead of whole, we are fragmented.
It is easier to comprehend of this process of splitting (that is fragmentation) in terms of how it affects our being by imagining that when our consciousness splits as the result of trauma, our ego splits in two. And it can do this over and over again. This means, even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple selves. The best way to picture this is to imagine that inside your body, you have a collection of Siamese twins. They are technically all conjoined because they all share one body. But each one has its own identity, its own desires, needs, perspective, strengths, weaknesses and appearance. Some of these internal Siamese twins, we like and identify with. Others, we dis-identify with, suppress, deny and disown.
We always have good reasons for having approved of parts of ourselves and having rejected other parts of ourselves. But no matter how we spin it, it means that we are polarized. You have experienced this polarization any time that you come to a place where you have to make a decision and part of you says yes while another part of you says no. When we are faced with this situation, we usually begin to play a zero sum game internally. We make a decision so the part of us that says yes has won and the part that says no loses.
It is as if the part of us that is saying NO to something is standing in front of a bulldozer being driven by our other part and instead of creating resolution so that both parts feel in alignment with the choice being made, the one driving the bulldozer simply runs right over the one protesting. This creates an internal atmosphere of distrust. It is an antagonistic internal atmosphere. To understand more about how this whole splitting process really works, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
Here are just a minimal amount of more examples of the bulldozing that we may do to ourselves: Part of us doesn’t want to get married, but we go ahead with it anyway. You’re terrified but you say, “I’m fine” because you’ve been taught that fear shouldn’t exist. The circumstances have changed but you made those plans months ago so you don’t change your plans and forge ahead anyway. You are in a group and everyone wants to do one thing. You don’t want to do it, but you force yourself to participate anyway. Your body says you’ve reached your limit but you don’t accept you have limits and push forward anyway. You really want to get a job doing what you love, but you don’t want to let your family down so you do what they want you to do. You are tired and drained but you get up and force yourself to do what has to be done day after day anyway, no matter how you feel. You’re in pain because you lost someone but you deny it and say you don’t believe in grief or you just have to focus on the good times. We feel bad about ourselves, but we sit down and repeat “I love and accept myself” fifty times in a row. You are a spiritual person and you are angry, but spiritual people aren’t supposed to be angry, so you suppress it and do a bunch of yoga. We feel a certain way, but we resist and deny the way we feel because we’ve already decided we shouldn’t feel that way. You get the point. We can bulldoze ourselves in all kinds of ways, emotionally, mentally and psychically. And we can use all kinds of tools and beliefs and justifications and techniques to enable that bulldozing process.
Whenever we encounter internal opposition, otherwise known as resistance, we must deal with that resistance directly so as to create a unity between the opposing sides and get them on the same page, or we will suffer for it. To understand more about this watch my video titled: Urgent! Deal With Your Resistance Before You Do Anything Else.
We will suffer for it if we do not resolve the resistance inside ourselves because we will be trying to do things in spite of ourselves, instead of with all of ourselves. We will suffer because it destroys self-trust and with it, a feeling of internal safety and security. Trust is about relying on someone to capitalize on your best interests. This is NOT what is happening if one of your internal Siamese twins is not capitalizing on (or even considering) what is in the best interests of another one. This is especially true if one of your internal Siamese twins has convinced itself that it knows what is best for the other, no matter what the other thinks or says.
If one part of you is bulldozing another, both parts are still inside your skin, this means you will feel the emotion belonging to the part of you who was just given the message, “you don’t matter, you’re powerless to get your need met or stay safe because I’m doing what I’m doing no matter what you think, say or do”. We will suffer because our opposing sides both have a very valuable truth, which we must see deeply in order to arrive at what is truly right for us.
The time has come to commit to the practice of integration instead of bulldozing. I call it a practice because to expect yourself to never bulldoze yourself, especially when you have been specifically trained by your society to do just that, is cruelty and you will fail at it. But if you commit to the practice of it, you will get better and better at being in total alignment with yourself and others.
You know how painful it is to be bulldozed. You know how painful it is to not be considered at all, because someone has made up their mind. You know how painful it is to not be accommodated at all, and to suffer for it. Why would you be ok with any aspect of yourself feeling this way? Aim to get your internal Siamese twins on the same page. For more information about this, watch two of my videos tiled: Get On The Same Page (Relationship Advice) and Attunement (The Key To A Good Relationship). And when you are watching these videos, apply everything I say in these videos to your internal parts, not just to someone external that you are in a relationship with.
If we want to have good feeling relationships, relationships based on love, trust and awareness we must create relationships with people who do not bulldoze us, we must stop bulldozing other people and we must stop bulldozing ourselves.
FOMO, the fear of missing out is a fear that many people around the world relate to and it is a fear that many people around the world do not relate to. And the differences between those who do fear missing out and those who don’t, spells out the answer for how to resolve this fear.
When people fear missing out, they fear that other people will have rewarding and enriching experiences that they won't and they fear the consequences of not being a part of those experiences. It is primarily a fear about what someone won’t have rather than a desire to have something.
Social media has exacerbated this issue immensely because not only is there too much media to experience being in the know of all of it, it is made up of pictures and posts of so many people having experiences that you were not a part of, which makes you feel left out or like you don’t have something and lacking or lonely because of it. But it is a misconception to think that social media created the fear of missing out. It only put a magnifying glass on a shadow that already existed.
Because we all have human egos and the human ego compares, social media is bound to make us feel like we lack something someone else has, whether it is knowledge or a possession or an experience. Even though this does cause us to feel bad and feel lack, this is different to the genuine fear of missing out. It is tempting to think that the fear of missing out is simply about wanting to experience things in life and hating the feeling of missing out on something that could be rewarding. But the root of this issue is much deeper and more complex than that.
People, who really struggle with the fear of missing out, struggle with social anxiety. The primary experiences in childhood that give rise to this particular form of social anxiety later in life are the following:
This child was raised by caregivers who did not have the capacity to love a child for what that child uniquely and innately is, but rather who see a child as something to mold into what they have decided is right and good. In this environment, when a child prioritizes their own fun or what they want, they meet with disapproval and shaming and withdrawal for it. Doing what they wanted led to conflict with people they couldn’t afford to be in conflict with. As a result, the child develops a serious fear of disappointing others. They adapt by conforming to the environment. To do this, they have to transplant their own internal guidance system, which is oriented towards feeling good, with other people’s guidance, and do this is the name of avoiding consequences.
Because we are still in the dark ages with regards to love and how we create social order and cohesion, a parent does not have to be abusive at all to create this condition. Often the most “involved” parents are the ones who create this condition.
This child is not a child who is enabled or allowed to create their own life according to what feels good; they have to choose what they do by different criteria and fit their enjoyment into the category of what is approved of by others. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Why Follow Your Joy Doesn’t Always Work. Often they have to make their enjoyment fit into very strict guidelines and parameters… Those things that their caregivers will approve of. This also gives rise to powerlessness because they feel they are powerless to really do and be anything and create any experience they want to create. Therefore, they are at the mercy of “opportunity” created by other people to have enriching experiences.
The next painful layer added to this was that if they made a choice in favor of their own fun and enjoyment in a scenario that was not supported by the people they needed in childhood, they perceived it being so wrong and feeling a loss of approval and loss of closeness to such a degree that they learned they could not trust themselves. They project all the things that could go wrong and tend to choose the safest and most familiar option. Choices scare them. This is why so many people who struggle with FOMO also struggle with indecision. To learn more about this, watch my video titled: Indecision (Decisions and Indecisiveness). There is very little, if any leniency in these early households for mistakes and perceived huge consequences for them, which leads to a terror of regret. People with FOMO have almost no tolerance for the feeling of regret.
This same disapproval and withdrawal was also granted at times where they chose not to participate in things. Because the caregivers saw lack of participation as a personal rejection, they unconsciously reacted to that by rejecting the child in return. Yet again, not being a part of activities and even not being “in the know” was associated with disapproval, withdrawal (loss of connection) and not belonging. So there was pressure to join and be in the know or lose one’s place in the family.
And then the next layer came. Because this child was seen as something to mold, not something to accommodate, when they went on adventures and had experiences with people in their early environment, no one accommodated for their needs and made adjustments according to those needs so that the child felt fulfilled and secure. This led to anxiety with no way to get anyone to take their needs as part of their own so as to remedy their discomfort. This leads to the idea that if they do join other people’s experiences, they have to co-dependently go along with everything no matter what. This makes these adventures seem potentially always unsafe instead of feeling like anything they dislike can be remedied or changed. They feel totally powerless in this way. For this reason, people with FOMO
Don’t just fear not going, they also fear going.
Yet again, the social issue that gives rise to the fear of missing out was growing up in environments and ending up in environments later on in life where the message is “you can’t have you and have me too”.
People who struggle with FOMO are going to do what is expected of them. If they can fit enjoyment into those parameters, they will do that. But if doing what is rewarding conflicts with a responsibility or something “smarter” than fun, because it guarantees avoiding consequences, they will choose that. This way of approaching life is a family value.
People who struggle with FOMO are terrified of disappointing people and of not being included. They fear that if they disappoint people, and don’t join in on everything that is happening with everyone, and aren’t ‘in the know’ on everything, they will lose connection and inclusion with those people. Therefore, the worst nightmare for someone with FOMO is the idea of being in a lose-lose situation whereby their decision means disappointing one person, or another person. This means losing one or the other. Since life is full of so many people doing and having so many things, this also makes it so that people with FOMO tend to have VERY full plates. To not lose closeness with people and to avoid lacking things or the potential lack of things, you have to do and know and have everything, which is impossible for a human.
People who do not experience FOMO have an innate sense that they can do whatever they want. It occurs to their mind as insanity that doing something they want should have the consequences of someone not approving them, withdrawing from them or being disappointed in them for not conforming. They see this is not love; it is a person being in love with their own vision/creation. People who do not have FOMO feel that those who do not approve of what they want do not have lives that they would want to emulate anyway. They have an attitude of ‘I’m going to die anyways, why not take risks and do what I want’. As a result, they like what they do have and have created in life. They are fulfilled. They tend to go for experiences for the experience itself rather than something the experience gives them, like social status.
People who do not have FOMO are not limited by their fear because they feel empowered in two defining ways. The first is that they feel empowered to create the life they want according to what really feels good to them, no matter what other people think. This makes them a leader of adventure and the creator of opportunities. If people are doing something cool, the only reason not to go along is if they are going to do something even cooler. And when they do those things, they are fully present with it instead of thinking about what other thing they could be doing. And they do not feel powerless to those experiences when they get into them. If they get into a situation they don’t like, they will not codependently go along with it. They will change horses mid stream, change their mind or change the situation in some way so it feels better to them. People who do not have FOMO do not live according to obligation; they feel obligation is a trap. And last but not least, they do not make not enjoying something or not going along for an experience, mean something negative about them.
So what should you do if you struggle with FOMO?
Face the real root of the social anxiety you are experiencing, which is what you are trying to avoid. Not feeling wanted, included, loved as you are as a person and not feeling like you were seen, heard, felt, understood or accommodated in your childhood. Feeling like you could not create your own life by doing what you wanted to do. Feeling like the only way to get belonging and closeness and reward was to comply and conform. The wound you are facing is conditional love. Not being able to have yourself without losing them and having them by losing yourself. If you want to dig deep into this wound, pick a time when you are triggered by the fear of missing out and go deep into that trigger with the completion process. You can learn all about this process and how to do it in my book that is literally titled The Completion Process.
Learn to live from love and what you truly want instead of living to avoid consequences. To love something is to take it as a part of yourself. When we do this, we naturally include their best interests as a part of our own best interests and this makes it a choice made with our free will (which feels empowering and free) to meet their needs and accommodate other people. This is the opposite of abandoning our needs and wants for closeness with them so as to avoid consequences. If we are loved back, people will do this with us and will naturally want to enable our desires and needs. They will accommodate us. Therefore we can really live our life according to our joy and create rewarding experiences without losing people. We will also feel that if we do not participate in things, we will not lose that connection with other people.
Fomo is a form of scarcity mentality. If you struggle with FOMO, you feel a shortage of rewarding experiences and you fear opportunities will not come around again and first and foremost you do not feel empowered to create rewarding experience. The primary problem here that needs to be faced, admitted to and dealt with is that if you felt like the life you were living was bringing you joy and you were doing things according to joy, you would not feel like you were missing anything. You would not feel the lack of anything. If you so loved tinkering around in your workshop, you wouldn’t feel you were missing out on anything by not going to the beach. Instead, by going to the beach, you would feel you were going sideways of your own internal guidance system in terms of what you really want to do. It would feel less fulfilling. You also would know you can always go to the beach another time.
See to what degree you are living your life specifically to avoid consequences and out of obligation and out of a sense of what is right and good. See to what degree you have to fit your enjoyment into a box of predefined should and shouldn’ts. This causes a bankruptcy of fulfillment in life. What do you really want that you are avoiding because it creates insecurities in you? What are those insecurities? What has to change in order for you to be willing to change this?
You feel very out of control in experiences that you do have. The anxiety itself makes those experiences not fun. Part of this is that you were never accommodated. You need to see that if you join along for an experience, you can make changes to that experience in order to make it feel better to you. This will dispel a lot of the anxiety that is occurring when you do join in. For example, if you hate it, you can leave. If you want it to look a different way, take control and plan the trip so it will feel good to you. If you need to go to sleep at a certain time, express that to the people going. Find people who are compatible to you, so you will have similar needs and preferences for the experiences you have together. It needs to be an experience where you can go along and have your needs met. Right now, you are in a place where you either don’t go and don’t have your needs met but feel less anxiety in some ways or go and feel more anxiety in some ways but keep connection and also don’t get your needs met. Are you sick of the lose-lose scenarios yet?
Learn how to be afraid. You are afraid of social consequences, real or imagined. Don’t make an enemy of your desire to be close to others and valued and loved by them. Just learn how to tolerate and caretake your fear. We have an absolute intolerance for fear. But this makes it so our fear is debilitating and controls our life. We live our life from avoidance rather than from creating what we do want. For more information about this and about how to overcome the jail that fear can be, pick up a copy of my book or audio book, The Anatomy of Loneliness, in which I have an entire section dedicated to fear.
If you struggle with FOMO, whether you admit to it or not, you have the perception that your needs are not met. And many of those needs you perceive are not being met because of not being included. You need to be the initiator of your needs being met and the initiator of the creation of the experiences you want. Therefore, focusing on meeting your needs in a direct way is critical. To understand more about this, watch my videos titled: ‘Meet Your Needs’ and ‘How To Meet Your Unmet Needs’.
Chose to do things for the experience itself, not for what the experience gets you. Stop looking at everything in this world as a way to get ahead or stay safe socially. Learning to live your life for what brings you joy means breaking free from the need for people to perceive you in a certain way. This strategy was necessary for you to gain that conditional inclusion and approval and closeness in your childhood. But is that the world you want to perpetuate?
Don’t take that photo at that amazing destination and post it because you want other people to see the awesome thing you are doing. Take that photo after really enjoying the amazing destination because you want to remember it always. Don’t get that degree because of how it will make others treat you, get it cause you really want it for you. Don’t buy that pair of designer jeans because it is a symbol of wealth. Wear what you love to wear. Don’t marry that person because of how they make you look to others. Marry because that relationship really fills you up inside. Don’t take that job because it is practical or gives you status. Do the thing that fills you with purpose and passion. FOMO is first and foremost a desire to experience something because of the fear of what you will potentially lack, rather than a genuine desire for what you hope to gain. Go for deeper fulfillment that nourishes your soul.
No one, including you can know everything and be everywhere doing the best thing at all times. So many people with FOMO actually have this expectation or desire for themselves. Let go of it because you will fail at this. You are always going to be missing out on something, all of us are. The constant comparison you are doing between yourself and others is contributing to this. It is making you feel left out and as if you don’t belong. To learn the solution to this, watch my videos titled: ‘Belonging and How To Belong’ and ‘Instant Belonging’.
Slow down. Do not multitask. And when you are doing whatever you have decided to do, be unconditionally present with it. Really be there doing and fully experiencing it instead of focusing constantly on what you could be having or doing and instead or yearning for what else would be better to do or have. Think about how much you would like it if the person doing something with you was always focusing on what they were missing out on by being with you. The things you are doing and do have in your life deserve more of your focus and devotion. Appreciation and gratitude is an antidote to FOMO, so practice it.
It is human nature to want to be included, close and connected with people. This is our nature. Being left out feels like hell, feeling like we do lack or potentially will lack something we need, feels like hell. Feeling that because we lack something, we are less than others, feels like hell. Feeling like our belonging or closeness in people’s lives is dependent upon us doing everything and being everything and knowing everything, feels like hell. But living our life from avoidance is the biggest hell. If you can accept that you will always be missing out on something and simply live your life in each moment according to what really fulfills you, experiencing it fully when you do it, your Fear Of Missing Out will diminish.
Kundalini is a word you hear flying around the various spiritual communities all the time. And what I’ve been noticing lately is that the presence of this word is simply accepted and is simply used, without most of the users actually knowing what it even means. So, I figured today, we could clear that up.
To comprehend kundalini, we first must imagine source or god, which is all energy making up an infinite universe comprised of many universes, as a never ending ocean. The universe as a whole, fragmented in the same way that a zygote divides in utero. This gave rise to polarity within the universe. Polarities such as male and female, conscious and unconscious, life and death. The polarity of life and death is the birth of kundalini. Kundalini is the opposite of death in the way atheists view death… An empty, ended, nothingness. This death is not the same as the physical death that occurs when a physically incarnated being dies. We simply use the same word for both states. Kundalini is life. It is the animating force within the universe. It is the precursor for any living life form, regardless of what dimension that life form exists in, so it is present even in those beings we call thought forms, such as spirit guides and demons.
Just as there are characteristics of death, there are characteristics of life. Things like movement, or stillness (qualities of animation as opposed to non-animation, which is different than stillness. Stillness can be very alive because stillness is still a quality of animation). Qualities like growth, change, reaction, reproduction, creation etc. The problem that we have in this universe currently is that life as a polarity still resists death and death as a polarity still resists life. They have not integrated each other.
You can imagine yourself as a fragment within this infinite ocean that is Source Consciousness. A fragment of the polarity fragment within Source called alive. Another way to imagine this so as to understand it is to imagine that within this infinite ocean, there are currents. These currents are the same as fragments because they differentiate part of the ocean from the rest. These currents are streams of energy. This stream of energy is as indivisible from the eternal whole of energy as a current is indivisible from the ocean. You are like a current within the ocean energetically speaking. You are indivisible from what we call source or god or universe. Your being (thought form) and body is comprised of this same infinite energy, which we call god, source or universe, which manifests or expresses itself in the physical form. As people, we then call this same energy life force energy kundalini or prana, depending on what culture you grew up in.
When a person conceptualizes of himself, he sees himself as comprised of this life force energy. For centuries we have called this our soul. However, we have thought about a soul as if it is a clump of energy… a thing. Instead, we would do well to begin to conceptualize it more like a current or stream of energy that is always flowing and is only currently materializing itself as the physical human that you call by your name. Also, some qualities of the soul are present beyond the quality of life force. For example, perception is something that transcends both life and death, otherwise we could not perceive the qualities of death. So life is one main aspect of the soul, but is not all of it. But for this reason, it is critical to understand that you cannot have a life and you cannot lose a life because you are life, you are kundalini.
In the lower dimensional levels just beyond the physical, this life force energy or prana, which is a current of energy that is creating you, manifests itself as energy channels and energy centers. All ancient healing modalities across the world recognize these various channels and energy centers; they call them by different names. But for the sake of understanding Kundalini, let’s concern ourselves with the ancient Hindu philosophies. The Hindu system called these energy channels nadis and these energy centers chakras. Each of them were observed to correspond to different areas and functions of the human body. It was believed that they fed life force energy to the various parts of the body. The chakras were thought to receive, accumulate, assimilate and transmit this energy in various different ways.
Kundalini is a Hindu word originating from the yogic philosophy of spiritual practice. Directly it translates as “coiled one” or “coiled up”. The reason for this is that people believed that kundalini energy could be dormant or awake and they also observed the stream like movements of life force energy to be similar to the movements of a snake and they felt this energy accumulated in their root area, thereby giving rise to the association with dormant kundalini energy as being like a sleeping, coiled snake at the base of one’s spine or one’s root chakra.
There are several reasons that this understanding was primitive. The first is that kundalini, being life force energy is not isolated to one chakra or area of the body, as is often thought. It is simply easier to perceive in these areas because the lower chakras, such as the root chakra, relate much more to our physical life here on earth. The kundalini energy manifests itself differently as if taking on different expressions in each of the chakras and its expression in the sacral, root and even solar plexus chakras are much easier to physically feel.
The second is that when one is allowing their kundalini energy, the stream of life force energy that is animating their physical embodiment is moving like a stream would. To imagine this, just imagine what happens to the water when you release a dam. Kundalini energy is not latent or dormant. It is simply being resisted, like the water in a dam is being resisted. This movement, when it is no longer resisted, could be considered snake like, but it isn’t a snake, it’s a stream of life force energy. When it is allowed, on a lower energetic level, this energy rushes through the meridians, and is physically felt running up the spine to make the lower chakras and the upper chakras connect as if part of one current. If you have mastery of this more physical expression of kundalini energy, you can allow gushes of this life force energy and spread it through the energy system and body at will. It gives rise to a classic shivery sensation. It also seems to have the quality of liquid fire.
The second is that kundalini cannot be awake or asleep. If kundalini is asleep, you are dead. Kundalini is always awake. Kundalini can be still (a quality of movement) and kundalini can be resisted. Suppression is the form of resistance most exacted upon kundalini. Kundalini tends to be still the most when to the positive, it is using stillness to open the space for other qualities of consciousness whose expressions are made more difficult by movement, such as observation or discernment. A person’s kundalini will be still in certain forms of mediation. It will be still if someone is in a coma for example. It also tends to be more still when it is so resisted that it feels the free will is in rejection of it. If this is the quality of stillness it is taking, you will feel like crap. And it is this resistance of kundalini that we need to understand the deepest.
Kundalini is life within the universe and so, the question to ask yourself relative to the vitality of your kundalini is: How am I resisting life? Resistance is nothing more than opposition. It is any oppositional force. And most of this, we are totally unaware of. To understand resistance fully and how it applies to life and spiritual existence, which you really should do if you want to master kundalini, watch my video titled: Urgent! Deal With Your Resistance Before You Do Anything Else. There is a reason for your life to be expressing itself through this body and in this incarnation. Kundalini contains a man’s creative potential. Therefore, you need to concern yourself with how you are resisting your authenticity and with that your purpose for existing here.
The various forms of yoga or breathing exercises or mantras or meditative practices or diets or meditation or self surrender or altered states of consciousness or any other practices, techniques and tools that are used to awaken kundalini are not awakening kundalini. What they are doing is getting rid of the resistance preventing kundalini from expressing itself as it normally and naturally would. And there is a reason that these techniques work and if you feel called to do so, you should try them… If you breathe enough and in specific ways, you come out of resistance. If you meditate in certain ways, you come out of resistance. If you move your body in certain ways, you can release some resistance. But think of it like this, if you open a cage to let out a tiger, you don’t say that you are making the tiger run, you say you are removing what is preventing the tiger from running. This isn’t to say that doing these things is bad. To the contrary, it is good. But most people do these exercises to “awaken kundalini” so as to compensate for continuing with their life the way it is. They do not resolve the core resistance and make the changes they need to make so as to fully live. It is like being in a sinking boat and staying afloat because instead of patching the huge hole in the boat, you use a bucket to scoop water off of the deck. If a person was thinking and speaking and acting in alignment with their authenticity, which includes living in alignment with their unique life purpose, their desires and their needs on a physical, mental and emotional level, there would be no need whatsoever to do practices aimed at enabling their kundalini. Therefore you must understand that kundalini, which is always awake and animated can either be allowed or resisted.
Nothing is more important when it comes to allowing your kundalini energy than living in alignment with your authenticity. Every person comes into this life as a unique expression of source consciousness. This means each person comes in with a unique essence, like an energetic signature and our unique purpose and unique thoughts and unique feelings and unique desires and unique needs and unique role within the greater universe is embedded in that essence. Our life experience is a process of unfolding of oneself as an authentic expression.
We can only be authentic to the degree that we currently know ourselves. Better said, we can only be authentic to the degree that we are currently aware of ourselves. And because so much of us is denied, rejected, disowned and suppressed into the subconscious over the course of our lives, we are not aware of very much of ourselves. We are copies of other people. We are whatever keeps us safest in our social group. We are not genuine. We are not real and we do not reflect what is true at our core. All of this is a resistance to our own life. Therefore, becoming authentic and living our life in alignment with that authenticity is the single most important part of allowing our kundalini. To deny your self, including your physicality, your spirituality, your reason for being, your desires, your needs, your instincts, your truth, is to resist your kundalini. To resist your kundalini is to be without energy. It is to create a living death. Nothing allows kundalini energy more than action that is backed by authentic inspiration. This is what living out your life purpose is all about. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: How To Be Authentic.
Some people experience a kundalini awakening. What is happening during a kundalini awakening is that all the resistance within a being is removed, which fully allows one’s life force energy into their being. They are back in full alignment with their essence. This can happen in many different ways. If a person takes a shamanic medicine, or goes through a spontaneous awakening or attends a kundalini workshop that is particularly intense for example. The problem often comes later when they are trying to integrate the experience of totally allowing their kundalini and the awareness that came with it, with the life they were living before; a life that does not mirror their authentic truth. Trying to be back in that life and thinking and doing those things you used to do is being back in resistance and it is like a living hell. The disparity between the two states of being is so great that people suffer greatly during the process of trying to integrate the two states of being. You could not go back to living the same way. This is what many people are calling kundalini syndrome. Resistance that they were not consciously unaware of and acclimatized to, they suddenly become aware of and sensitive to. And the symptoms people experience are directly related to the areas of most resistance that a person had to their own kundalini. A person, who had a lot of resistance on a mental level, is likely to experience mind-related symptoms. A person who had more resistance on a physical level is likely to experience more physical related symptoms.
From a universal perspective, the sensitivity that is experienced as the result of a kundalini awakening is a good thing. It is not the result of too much energy in the body. It is nothing more than re-sensitization occurring without any awareness of how to adapt or change one’s life in accordance with that sensitivity. It is consciousness with no idea how to integrate that conscious awareness within a world that is operating from unconsciousness. The reality is that some things you could tolerate before, you could only tolerate because you were in resistance. The ways you coped before were resistance strategies. The things you were thinking before were resistant thoughts. The things in the world you considered normal were resistant in nature. Have you noticed that the foods you ate you suddenly see are horrible for the body? The things people did to each other that were normal, now seem barbaric? The light in your bedroom that once seemed fine is now feeling toxic? Many of the things you acclimatized to, you had to go into resistance to your own life force energy in order to acclimatize to. The kundalini awakening makes this no longer bearable. It is no measure of health to adapt to a profoundly dysfunctional situation. You are much more conscious. The issue is never the abundance or flow of kundalini energy, it is always the resistance or barriers that flow encounters and the symptoms that causes.
If a person has been on the path of awakening for a long time, their being is matured in terms of working with resistance and integration and making shifts as a result of awareness and the body is used to a greater flow of energy. In this case, a kundalini awakening will not totally destabilize them. If a person has not been on the path of consciousness for very long and is not accustomed to the process of continual transformation and is immature in terms of working with resistance and integration and making shifts as a result of awareness, the kundalini awakening will most likely greatly destabilize them. This is why it is wise to have someone in your life like a master of energy work or a spiritual teacher or a shaman who can guide you through the process and/or help you to integrate during this process. But from a universal perspective, the worst thing you can do is to try to resist the kundalini and get it to be ‘less’ within the being, so you can go back to life as usual. What you need to do is resolve your resistance to it and adapt your life to the change and fast.
A kundalini awakening is not different to any other form of spiritual awakening. The various negative manifestations of the ego are the oppositional force to kundalini. It is simply a way that one culture described spiritual awakening within an incarnated form. Kundalini practices are simply certain practices that these people discovered to enable that awakening. It is one path of many to the top of the mountain called awakening. If you are on the path of consciousness, you are on the path of kundalini awakening. Kundalini is not some supernatural force that lies dormant in people. It is life and therefore, it is who you are, whether you resist it, or not.
There is no possible way that I could be writing this article FOR you because I love you and therefore want you to feel good. No… I am writing this article because I want you to see how messed up you are and how much you need to change. Or I am writing this article because I want to gain more followers. See the story you are telling yourself? Everyone wants and needs love, but whether or not we are going to recognize or accept the love we are given is another story.
People often think because I focus on primary relationships in childhood as the cause of adult dysfunction that I am on a mission against parents and on a mission to blame someone. This is not the case. What I am on a mission to do is to gift awareness to the human race. Awareness and truth and authenticity suck sometimes. Reality is not always sunshine, gumdrops and roses. And the reality that we all must accept, whether we like it or not, is that even the very best parents in the world today are not in a perfect state of health, alignment, integration or awareness. And so they will negatively affect the health, alignment, integration and awareness of their children.
Most parents alive today do not understand what love really is and therefore do not express real love to their children. Most parents can’t be truly honest even with themselves about why they had kids. Most parents don’t even see that the “loving things” they do for their children are actually self-serving and often against the best interests of their child. Most parents have no idea how to develop healthy intimacy with their child. Most parents have no idea how to feed their child so they are actually healthy. And most parents have no idea how to parent a child’s emotions. Our awareness as a species in in its infancy.
When we defend things being the way they are or were or make excuses for them being that way, it is because of what we are afraid of happening if we don’t. Ask yourself, “If I really admitted to and accepted the ways that my own parents messed up, what bad thing do I think would happen?”
The reality is, it is a very rare parent who intentionally tries to harm their child. Most injure their children thinking that what they are doing is loving their child and helping them. Most of it is entirely subconscious and this is a given. But the more we try to defend the way our parents were and make excuses for it, the less likely we are to switch a pattern. And the pattern we are discussing today is one that needs switching.
Because people do not understand what love is and therefore do not know how to give it, the reality is that many of us did not feel loved as children. To understand what love is and isn’t, watch my videos titled: What Is Love and your Definition of Love is Wrong. If we grew up a scapegoat in a dysfunctional family, we could feel that we were the family garbage can. If we grew up the golden child, we could feel we were not loved as we are, we were loved for how well we abandoned ourselves to meet our parent’s needs. If our parent was hell bent on our success, we could feel it was so they could look good to other people. If they gave us something so that they could get something from us, we felt that indebtedness. No matter what story we told ourselves and no matter what we said to others, down deep we felt unloved. But the subconscious way we coped with feeling unloved by the people in our early lives will blow your mind.
In order to cope with not feeling loved, we adopt a belief that makes everything less powerless and painful. The belief we adopt is “love doesn’t really exist.” It is to tell the story that all people are self-centered to avoid the feeling that you have no value. Think about it… If the most painful thing was to feel that YOU were not loved, in which case you would be worthless and emotionally starved and not close to the very people upon whom your life depended, then the way to escape from that feeling state and the thoughts that go along with it would be to tell yourself it’s not that YOU aren’t loved, it’s that love doesn’t exist. This allows you to maintain your self concept instead of feel like garbage, stay close to the people upon whom your life depends and feel shitty about the universe in general for everyone instead of just you. And it makes it so that you can stay safe and adapt in order to get your needs met. The way you adapt to get your needs met is through accepting that the way people survive here on earth is transaction.
You accept the reality that if someone does anything, they are doing it for themselves and if you do something, it is a strategy to get something for yourself. This understanding has a real benefit because on top of helping you to avoid the pain of YOU not feeling or being loved, it makes relationships both predictable and controllable. It is easy to know what gets you discarded and what doesn’t. You pay the bill at the restaurant because you don’t want to feel indebted to someone in any way if they pay the bill. You meet someone’s needs knowing that it is a guarantee that if you meet those needs, they will not abandon you. You get into the relationship where the business exchange being made is very clear such as, I give him status because of my good looks and he gives me financial security. Your life becomes a subconscious transactional one. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Cut The Invisible Strings, (How To Detach From Manipulation In Relationships). But the flip side of this coin is what I want you to become aware of today… The way you react to other people giving you love.
The way you react to people giving you love is to hold tight to your belief that love does not exist and to warp it into something that isn’t love. You warp it into a love doesn’t exist story to avoid the story that no one loves you, but by doing so you totally miss people actually loving you.
Perhaps the most interesting thing about this pattern is that when this is your pattern, low self-esteem is as much a strategy as using transaction to get your needs met. This might be hard to follow and might require some re-plays, but it is fascinating once you really get it. Low self-esteem is a strategy for protecting the authentic self. If you can’t survive in an environment as an authentic expression (because that leads to consequences) the ego is born. The ego is a strategy that can only exist in an environment where there are others. It is a strategy to become a self that gets approved of. That self-concept has to be something that endears you to the people in your life. The ego in and of itself is a protector. It protects you by agreeing with the people upon whom your life depends. So your self-concept that endears you to mom and dad is a poor self-concept. It is “I agree, I have no value”. To disagree with mom and dad by maintaining a positive self-concept in the face of not feeling loved by them, is to be at war with the people upon whom your life depends. But in order to survive emotionally, the ego that protects the authentic self splits in two. The vulnerable aspect of ego, which feels it has no value and the protector aspect which discovers a strategy to have value for others… To get love where it isn’t being freely given. The vulnerable self-concept gets suppressed through the strategy you are using to be valued, a transactional one. It is helpful to see that a low self-concept is a strategy and therefore, it too is not who and what you really are. It is an inauthentic expression.
If you watch yourself, any time someone does anything that resembles love; you either do not take it in or you take it in to meet a need by turning it into something that is digestible for you, something other than love. Here are some examples of ways that you might do this, someone tries to help you with a pattern of yours and you tell yourself that they are doing it because they are so sick of dealing with that aspect of you, so it is really for themselves. Someone cooks for you, and you tell yourself that it is so they can get recognition for their own talent. Someone gives you a gift and your first thought is: What are they trying to get from me? Someone tries to help you to lose weight or get healthy and you tell yourself it is because they are embarrassed to be seen with you the way you are. Someone does chores around the house to make it more pleasant for you and you tell yourself it is just so they can absolve themselves of guilt or it is just because it has to be done in general. Someone invites you on a trip and you tell yourself that they just don’t want to go alone. I could go on and on all day with these examples. If you want to see an example of someone who has adopted this strategy clearly, watch the character Connie Baker, played by Ginnifer Goodwin from the movie Mona Lisa’s Smile.
When you operate in the world with this adaptive strategy, you will always feel as if you are starving because you cannot just receive love. You have to work hard to transactionally get what you need. You also build walls to prevent feeling good and thus to keep pain in instead of to keep pain out. Because of this, I want you to watch two of my videos. The first is titled: How To Receive. The second is titled: Building Walls To Keep Pain In.
Because we live in a world where people do not understand love and therefore do not practice it with awareness, we do need to be aware when people act in loving ways that are simply transactional ways of getting their own needs met. But believe me, you are a person who is already aware of this aspect of relationships. What you need practice with is to realize that sometimes, people really do love you and really are trying to show you love every day but that love is lost on you. It is like putting quarters into a pay phone and they only ever slip right out the bottom change slot. This makes people in your life feel un-received. This makes people feel unloved by you. This makes you someone who is exhausted and starving, living in a world of scarcity. This makes it so you can’t discern between people who do love you and people who don’t. This makes it so that you cannot face the actual pain in your life that you are trying to avoid…. The terrible self concept and pain of not being truly valued and loved by the people who you tell yourself should have loved you the most and whom you are the most desperate to feel close to and valued by. If you need help facing this wound, try The Completion Process. You can read about how to do the process in my book that is quite literally titled: The Completion Process and if you want assistance with it, you can find a practitioner of the process at www.thecompletionprocess.com.
This strategy is a strategy of avoidance and therefore resistance and it is a guarantee that whatever you resist, will persist. We will literally ruin our relationships if we can’t feel genuinely nourished by them and can’t receive other people. We will only ever be as committed to relationships as the transaction is clear and present.
If you have someone like this in your life, make them conscious that you are doing something for them out of love. And expose the transaction that does exist when you do something for them if there is one.
If we continue to live from this story, we will continue to perpetuate a world that is not based on love, but is instead based on undercover transaction. It perpetuates the very conditions that led to us adapting in this way in the first place. So recognize this pattern in yourself today. Recognize the things you do for people in order to get a need met by them. Recognize the story you tell yourself every time someone does something for you. Recognize the deep wound you are trying to avoid by telling yourself this story and by telling yourself that love doesn’t exist.
I’m going to begin this episode by calling out the shadow of people who work in the mental health field. No one just wakes up one day with no provocation and decides that they want to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, life coach or self help expert. We arrive at this place because of struggling mentally and emotionally ourselves. The way we coped with that mental and emotional pain was to try to figure it all out. Most of us thought and felt things as a result of our own life experience that caused us to feel confusion and to doubt our own sanity and so we needed to secure our own sanity, find out the truth and get firmly grounded in reality. Knowing the “what” and the “why” helps us to feel grounded in that reality and in that sanity that we reached for like a buoy in the middle of a sea that was trying to drown us. And we try to rescue ourselves through others by helping everyone we come into contact with to find that buoy. We help people to come into that stable construct that we see as sanity and reality and truth.
This is a noble enough cause. But this very strategy that can help us and other people, is also the strategy that can destroy us and other people. It is this very strategy that makes it impossible for us to truly catalyze healing in people’s lives.
When people come to us for help, we can clearly see where their reality (the things they are thinking, saying and doing) is totally out of alignment with our reality. After putting years of study into it, we have decided that our reality is the one that is right, true and real. Our entire career is based off of having that truth, and having that reality and knowing the answers. Therefore, we can easily see where the things they are thinking, saying and doing are out of alignment with what we have decided is right, true and real. This is where things go wrong. The way we try to help them is to get them, often in an oppositional way, to join our reality.
I want you to imagine that each person lives inside a bubble. That bubble is their own personal subjective reality. What professionals in the mental health field do is to try to get people into their bubble. It is believed that the makeup of a person’s own personal bubble reality is the very thing that is making them hurt. But the reason that mental health professionals fail with this strategy and often make matters much, much worse for people seeking help is the following:
We are unwilling to accept that our reality may not be the actual objective reality. Objective reality is the amalgamation of all realities. You could see objective reality as the truth that emerges when every subjective reality is accommodated for and thus combined. We all know the danger of mistaking our subjective reality as a fixed objective reality. We have all seen those movies, movies like Powder or K-Pax or The Butterfly Effect or The Secret Garden or every movie featuring medieval medical practices where the person who is assisting someone’s process towards health is so limited by what they have decided is real or true that they end up doing more damage. We can clearly see their limitations and that they are the ones who do not have a handle on reality. But they cannot see this about themselves. It simply never occurs to us that we might be that person. We must always keep our realities flexible enough to accommodate for the truth that we may not actually have the full truth or be seeing reality. None of us can ever escape from the fact that we all don’t know what we don’t know.
We do not understand the reality of parallel perceptual realities. Most people only really become conscious of the isolation of parallel perceptual realities when they go through something like the death of a loved one. In intense experiences of grief, your world stops. You are in a reality of pain and terror about what could happen in the future and time moves differently. Meanwhile, everyone else is going about their lives. They are smiling, laughing, talking about their jobs or vacations. They are telling us to come with them to cheer up at the bar. They are in a totally different reality, even though technically our bodies are in the same place. The worst part is, they don’t even notice. They will not notice what conflicts with their own realty.
When we talk to someone or interact with someone from inside our own reality, we may think we are saying and doing things that will help them, but all we are doing is making a person feel like we do not see, feel, hear and understand them. We are reinforcing that they have a different reality and that they are alone in it. What we do and say comes across as invalidation and ignorance. And we make the mistake of thinking it is good to invalidate someone’s reality if it is causing them pain. But all this does is to solidify their reality in fact. We fail to establish rapport enough to say or do something that will actually change their reality or should I say, make it pliable enough to accommodate other realities than the one that is causing them pain.
This is why we do so much damage to people who are mentally ill. We make them more and more and more alone and feel more and more and more crazy by doing this until their condition escalates and sometimes results in death. For example, if you tell a paranoid schizophrenic that what they are perceiving, seeing or hearing is not real, it doesn’t make them better. It either makes them feel alone, crazy and terrified of themselves or it makes them more convinced that you are not seeing reality and therefore cannot be of any help and potentially cannot be trusted at all. You cannot get anywhere by fighting against someone’s reality. You have to work with someone’s reality. People’s realities work like Oobleck. The harder you resist it, the harder it gets. To understand more about parallel perceptual realities, watch my video titled: The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality.
We are too terrified of losing touch with our own reality that we refuse to join someone else’s reality and feel what they feel and see what they see and hear what they hear and understand what they understand. We are terrified to assume someone’s perspective. And we come up with all kinds of justifications to disguise this fear. Professional justifications like ‘if you validate the perspective of someone who is mentally ill, it will only make them more mentally ill’. Or ‘if you mentally and emotionally explore death with a person who is suicidal, it will cause them to commit suicide’. Or ‘if you let yourself get swept up in the person’s mind and emotions, you will lose your capacity to hold space professionally for that person’.
Psychologists and psychiatrists are literally taught to keep professional distance, which prevents them from exiting their own perceptual reality and entering the reality of their client or patent. Instead of seeing their reality as if from first person perspective, they are taught to remain like an outside third party observer, fixing from the outside.
I want you to imagine that a person who is emotionally and mentally suffering is underwater. The world underwater is much, much different than the world above water. Most mental health professionals sit on the dock and drop a rope in and yell down suggestions to the person who is underwater. If you do not dive into the water that person is swimming in, you are only guessing at what would work. And this is the mental health field today… Guessing. I will never forget a movie I watched once, it was called The Doctor starring William Hurt. All you have to do to understand this limitation within the healing field is to watch this move. He plays a self-centered doctor with a terrible bedside manner. He is always teasing and looking down on his colleague who is the opposite. That is until he, himself gets sick. Being quite literally forced into the first person perspective of his patients changes his entire strategy with regards to how he helps people from that day forward.
When we refuse to dis-identify with our own perceptual reality so as to perceive through someone else’s being we cannot see the full truth of the situation at hand. This includes the truth that there is no such thing as self-sabotage. We tend to look at what a person is thinking or doing as if it is self-sabotaging, when the truth (which you can see once you get into their perspective) is quite the opposite. Not having a grip on the positive intention behind these thoughts and behaviors that we are judging as all negative gives us no way to create actual resolution. To understand more about this, watch my videos Titled: Fragmentation, The World Wide Disease, There Is No Such Thing As Self Sabotage and The Octopus Technique.
If you get into first person perspective of the person you are trying to help, it will drastically change your own reality. It will drastically change your awareness about what that person actually needs and what is actually right to say and do. But if we are honest, we are terrified due to our own original trauma, of our reality and sense of truth becoming pliable. We are terrified of losing touch with that buoy that we found to make ourselves feel cognitively safe.
The shift that must take place within the mental health field is that we need to be brave enough to dis-identify from our bubble of subjective reality (that we so often confuse for objective reality) in order to join other people’s subjective realities. It is only by doing this that we can accommodate both realities. Only by accommodating both realities can we build a bridge between a perceptual reality that would provide the healing they are wanting and the perceptual reality they are currently stuck in. We need to be brave enough and be willing to feel and see and hear and understand enough to get our hands messy in other people’s first person perspectives and experiences so as to see what would actually work.
We need to own our own shadow of fearing that we are not capable of doing this without losing our own minds and becoming emotionally unstable and enmeshed. This is self distrust disguised as professionalism. We need to see that it is only our willingness to stretch in this way that will cause us to arrive at the actual objective reality, because objective reality is the truth that arises as a result of accommodating all subjective perspectives in a given scenario. And we need to do this fast. Because we are not doing this, people are dying every day. People are being hurt every day by an overwhelmingly prevalent pharmaceutical approach to mental health. And every day and we will continue to feel the extreme frustration of having no idea what to do for someone to actually help them to heal. Or we will convince ourselves that it is simply their fault for being too mentally ill to adopt our estimation of reality.
Most of us have heard of hoarders if we aren’t one ourselves or don’t know one personally in our life. It is such a fascinating behavior that there have been reality TV shows done about extreme hoarders. But most people don’t know or understand the emotional and mental component behind this behavior. And most people don’t know that nearly all people walking the globe today are hoarders in their own way, they simply do it in a socially acceptable way.
To hoard something is to accumulate something in a way where it is hidden or guarded for preservation such as for future use. When people hoard, they are concerned with acquiring and gathering whatever it is that they wish to hoard. They are also concerned with not parting with; letting go of or discarding whatever it is they gain. This means that people who hoard are concerned with the coming and the going of things they feel a need to accumulate and save. All of us do this with something. This means that the behavior of hoarding can be seen as a spectrum and everyone falls somewhere on that spectrum. Take a look at your life. What are you preoccupied with acquiring and gathering in a way where you guard it for preservation sake, that you are also very anxious about letting go of?
Unless you understand that compulsively saving money is not making your money work for you, instead it is making your money work for the bank, most of us call a person who hoards money in the bank, financially smart; not a hoarder. But what they are doing is hoarding. Hoarding implies a trauma that we have experienced that has given rise to a fear that is being relieved through the behavior of hoarding. The trauma of the great depression for example, gave rise to an entire generation of people who hoarded valuables including money. At the most extreme side of this spectrum are people who we call compulsive hoarders. These are people who psychologists or doctors would diagnose as having compulsive hoarding disorder. It is my hope that by unveiling the reality behind the most extreme hoarding behavior that you will not only understand it, and everyone who falls short of it on the spectrum, but that you will relate to it in such a way that the way you relate to and/or interact with hoarders will change.
To understand hoarding, you need to start at human nature and then fast forward to the beginning of a person’s life. It is the nature of a biological organism to have needs. There are all kinds of needs. A need is something that is required in order to live, succeed or be happy. This means that we could need physical things like food or water. We could also need emotional things like a sense of safety. And we could need mental things like information. We could perceive ourselves to need anything that we think ensures our wellbeing, success or happiness. It is human nature to need a way to be able to meet those needs. And it is a need to be able to meet those needs in a way that does not lead to more pain or the loss of other needs. And this is where the trauma occurred with someone who is a compulsive hoarder.
It is a potential that a loss or series of losses that are significant enough could cause a person to hoard as a compensation behavior. Possessions, especially those that cannot be lost or go away, become a safety signal and if any single one of them is taken away or is let go of, the person hoarding feels more vulnerable. However, this is not the predominant cause of the behavior of people with extreme compulsive hoarding behavior. Often the experience of a loss simply triggers the onset of the behavior itself, rather than being the original cause of the behavior. It is a trigger of the original wounding that is much, much deeper.
Hoarders did not have their needs reliably met, most especially their emotional needs. Regardless of whether they experienced circumstances like constant relocation or the loss of a loved one in childhood that led to their needs not being reliably met, or were the byproduct of a dysfunctional home, which is why their needs were not reliably met, the bottom line is, they experienced their needs not being reliably met. They are the byproduct of extreme emotional neglect if not physical neglect. To understand more about emotional neglect, watch my video titled: Today’s Great Epidemic and How to Solve It.
The lack of love/resource they felt from the people they needed, made it so they believe that people are only capable of caring about themselves and of using them and taking from them. Because of this, they see people as inconsistent, unreliable, impermanent and dangerous to attach to. They can’t be kept. They feel there is no way to hold onto a person and to make it so a person doesn’t take from them. Therefore there is no way to control the person or predict the person in a way to be able to stay feeling good. They experienced themselves as being only a tool or object in someone else’s reality. Therefore, they suppress the part of themself that wants a relationship with people in favor of relationships with objects.
Hoarders often had relationships in their early life with people who did not respect boundaries around their possessions/ownership as well. They may have operated with an attitude of “what’s yours is mine”. Or getting rid of what was not theirs to get rid of. This led to times where the things they valued were taken without being replaced. This may also have led to times where they needed something for their sense of wellbeing and did not have it. This trauma around needing something in order to feel good and not having it was so bad, it is what they are trying to avoid at all costs. It has given rise to a permanent and very strong ownership boundary. A hoarder can look at literally anything and think of a potential time when they may need something in the future and the idea of not having it when they need that thing feels terrifying. They did not experience people as giving. When we grow up in environments where people are not giving, we do not feel the flow of abundance. We feel we are not able to simply get things when we need them.
May people who hoard experienced deprivation in their childhood. Gifts and therefore things were a very special and big deal albeit often a corrupted thing. They experienced most of the giving in their lives to be a covert way that people got from them. So things were special but gifts were a take instead of a give. Needing anything from anyone therefore became dangerous. It became a recipe for indebtedness. To understand this dynamic fully, watch my video titled: Cut The Invisible Strings (How To Detach From Manipulation in Relationships).
The lack of love they felt and danger they felt with regards to needs being met by people, made it so the closest that they could get to love was found through objects. In the mind of a hoarder, if they are able to use something, and by using that something add to their perceived wellbeing, they perceive that as the object loving them. To understand this, imagine that when you fix your car, you feel as if the car being fixed provides a sense of satisfaction or safety. If you used a screwdriver to do that job of fixing the car, imagine you perceive the screwdriver to be the thing that lent its energy to you in a way that added to your wellbeing and it did so without expecting anything in return. You see that as the screwdriver loving you. You feel love from that object. Because you can keep the object, you can keep that love. Any time an object improves the perceived wellbeing of a hoarder, they perceive themselves to be loved by that object as well as experiencing increased wellbeing.
The thing is, everything could potentially improve your wellbeing in a given scenario. If you went through your house right now and with each item in your house, thought of a potential use or need for something that could enhance your life in a potential scenario, you would be able to come up with something. Therefore, if what you are after is the feeling of security that you will never face a day where your wellbeing could be dependent on something you do not have, everything is valuable and everything could be needed. This means that a hoarder experiences extreme distress at the thought of throwing something away.
The acquisition of an object or something that the person could hoard is part of the pattern of hoarding. This is why compulsive hoarding often goes hand in hand with compulsive shopping or compulsive acquisition in some other form. Every object seems to serve as further insurance of one’s wellbeing, security, happiness and insurance against the potential of ever experiencing the feeling of not having what they need when and if they need it. Seeing the potential use in every object is actually a way of preventing future pain and guaranteeing future pleasure, which is why it gives the hoarder such an emotional kick.
When the closest that we can get to love is through objects, we begin to identify with objects and have a relationship with them. This gives objects a much more ‘alive’ quality. We ascribe people like qualities to these objects. You might remember doing this with your favorite stuffed toy as a child. And this is where life for a hoarder becomes even more painful. If you grow up in a situation where you feel your needs are not met and everyone is just out for themselves and you are a thing for them to use, you do not feel valuable in and of yourself. You feel like something to be used and discarded. This means that you recognize yourself in and therefore identify with trash. This means, if you throw anything away, not only are you setting yourself up for a future time where you have a need for something that you don’t have and can’t get, you are also reinforcing your own wound that you are worth nothing.
Because their core self-concept is extreme shame, hoarders projected themselves onto trash. In seeing anything as valuable and even valuing things that they did use, they are externally trying to solve the wound of being treated and seen as if they have no value and of being used and discarded. This adds a secondary layer of extreme distress to the idea of throwing something away. For a hoarder to let go of the behavior of keeping trash, they need to alter their self-concept so they do not identify with trash. They also need to resolve the trauma of feeling like no one saw their potential or value, the tragedy of which they are projecting onto things when they are concerned with not wasting something.
Most hoarders have also experienced a trauma relative to feeling exposed. Space equates to exposure, where attack could come from anywhere at any moment. Having clutter around actually is experienced as enclosure or padding from potential threat. This is especially true if the hoarder experienced people constantly taking from them in childhood. When this is the case, though the hoarder does not want any of their things to be taken, having piles and piles of things provides security in that if someone takes from them, they have more. If they have nothing, the only thing for someone to take is their own body or being. You can imagine this feeling if you think of being in a shark tank but surrounded with ten foot deep walls of meat. When the sharks take a bite out of the meat, you don’t like it, but if the meat is gone, the only thing left to take a bite out of is you.
Most hoarders love piles. There are multiple reasons for this. A pile feels like a tangible savings account full of things that could ensure their wellbeing, should they ever need that thing and therefore an insurance policy for their physical and emotional wellbeing. When they make a pile, they often forget about things that are in that pile. To rediscover that thing when sorting through a pile makes them feel a renewed sense of wellbeing. The same way that forgetting about something and then rediscovering it in your fridge, makes you feel amazing. But perhaps the most fascinating thing that makes piles feel good to a hoarder is that creating piles are the closest feeling they have to being able to control closeness. This is why the idea that a hoarder doesn’t organize because they don’t have the skill to do so is a misconception. Hoarders identify with objects. The physical distance between objects, which is created when people organize things into compartments, feels cold and isolated to them. They don’t want that separation. The separation between objects that is created through organization makes them feel an emotion similar to how you would feel if today, every member of your family were moved into separate apartments in the same building and started living separate lives. It re-opens their wound of experiencing the emptiness and isolation of a parallel perceptual reality. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: The Most Dangerous Parallel Reality.
To a hoarder, a pile feels warm and cozy, like community. The space that is created through organization brings back the underlying feeling of emptiness that was created through emotional neglect. And there is another layer to this. Remember they identify with trash? If they can put trash in a pile next to something valuable then it is a way of externally creating a link between the person or people they perceived as having value in their childhood next to and in permanent connection and communion with themselves. It is a way of externally re-uniting the family and establishing the closeness they could not experience with them and others in their life.
Most hoarders do not like movement. They dislike hoarding things that could choose to or may eventually benefit by going away from them. This is because when something can come and go, it reinforces their wound in relationships. Therefore, if they do hoard anything, like animals, the fact that the animal is captive, and according to them has no desire to leave, is a sense of control in the same way that one can control a stationary object. They have managed to replace people with things. Object hoarders feel a re-traumatization at the thought of keeping something that does not want to be with them. This is a sensation that is bulldozed by serial killers who hoard dead bodies. The serial killer who hoards in this way is often doing so specifically to prevent the coming and going of a person and to be able to be in control over the keeping of them. This behavioral strategy usually includes severe and repetitive perceived abandonment trauma.
So you can see, what creates a hoarder is a specific storm of circumstances, all of which are the result of pain in human relationships, that lead to this highly subconscious coping method of hoarding. Because of all of this wounding around needs, they cannot perceive themselves as not needing something now or in the future. It is a scarcity issue yes, but not in the way most people think. It is not that having piles of things around makes them feel abundant. It is that having piles of things around makes them feel the safety of the insurance that there will not ever be a time where they experience the pain of needing and not having or being left alone in emptiness or being forced to need something from a person, who will take something from them in return or reinforcing the wound that they, themselves are worthy of discarding.
What most people don’t recognize is that hoarding is an addiction. An addiction is a behavior or a substance that covers over a wound or that satiates the pain of that wound. It is a coping strategy. It is an avoidance strategy. Therefore, hoarding is also an addiction. It is as useless to clean up a hoarder’s environment without first resolving the underlying wound creating the behavior as it is to try to quit smoking when you haven’t resolved the pain that is giving a person a motive to smoke. The addiction will either return or will be replaced with yet another addiction.
It is an extreme re-traumatization to take things away from a hoarder or to try to clean their house when they have not initiated help to do so. When we do this, we are doing nothing but re-opening their wounding. Think about it. When we clean their house, we are putting them in a position to need something and not have it and not be able to get it in a way where they can stay safe. We are putting them in a position to feel that emptiness of the emotional neglect they suffered. We are getting rid of the relationships they do have and we are re-enforcing the belief that they are worthy of being discarded. Obviously no one wants to be living in trash, especially when the sanitation level is a health hazard. But the problem with interacting with hoarders in the way we usually do is that it is a cycle of trauma that re-enforces itself. When we say, “I can’t deal with your trash anymore” and that is why we go away from them or reject them, because they identify with trash, we are essentially saying “yep… you are why I am going away from you”. This not only reinforces their self concept, it makes you something that goes away and thus reinforces their belief that objects are better to form relationships with than people. The objects are one thing they can control. All beings need a sense of control. All beings need to feel as if they can avoid pain and gain pleasure. Otherwise, they feel totally powerless to harm.
What we need to be doing with hoarders and everyone really is not to stand outside of their reality and invalidate it. We need to work from inside their reality and psychology. We need to realize that the way we treat objects in their environment is a direct message about how we see them and will treat them. We need to resolve the deep wounding that is beneath this addictive strategy so that there is no longer a need for that strategy to be employed. We need to remember that hoarding is a symptom. We need to treat the cause, not the symptom. If a hoarder is able to develop safe and nourishing relationships, they day will come where they feel the improvement is to clean their space and organize their living space according to joy instead of fear and prevention of potential pain. They will ask for help on this day.
What is painful for a hoarder to realize is that an object can’t love them back. This awareness usually does force them into the original wound they are avoiding through hoarding. But a breakthrough in overcoming the addiction is on the other side of realizing this.
You cannot clean a hoarder’s space with an attitude of disapproval and rejection. This is re-traumatizing. If you feel disgusted, you should not be cleaning their space. The cleaning of a hoarder’s space must be done with an attitude of appreciation for things, not disapproval or disgust. The letting go of anything makes them feel extremely vulnerable because it feels like with every thing they discard, they are getting closer and closer to the potential of future pain. The meaning of what you are doing must be carefully considered. When a hoarder is ready to organize things, they will need the help of people to do it. But it must be done with the idea that organizing clutter is honoring the objects themselves and isn’t done so as to make the objects lonely. When a hoarder is ready to let go of things, it also has to be done with positive meaning, such as the object itself has a purpose elsewhere. Not that you are ‘getting rid of something’ or ‘it is being wasted’.
The process of a hoarder learning to behave differently during the process of acquisition, is a process. The process of organizing and cleaning a hoarder’s space is a process. Both are processes that can be traumatizing and that will inevitably bring up unresolved wounds that need resolution before continuing with the process and the altering of the behavior.
Hoarders have understandably turned away from people. This means if a hoarder is aware of these early wounds that created their behavior (which some are not) he or she is unlikely to share that pain with you, leaving you baffled as to why they are doing what they are doing. We have the tendency to look at hoarders with an attitude of disgust. We tend to look at them as if we could never be like them and we don’t know how they could let it get so bad or live like that. We project that they are lazy. This behavior has nothing to do with laziness. We project that they are the disorder, when they are much more than that; they have simply developed a coping mechanism.
But hopefully after reading this, you can relate to people who hoard to the degree that you can feel the compassion that is a necessary component of the re-establishment of secure relationships with people in their life. The gift that the hoarder may just be bringing to your life is the awareness that there is value in anything and everything; most of us simply don’t look close enough to see it.
Over the course of human existence, people have had a very special relationship to other animals, some animals more than others. We began to live symbiotically with certain animals, for example we began to live with dogs and cats or use animals like horses to ride on or use goats to pack things. We developed an even deeper relationship to those animals. To the opposite, we formed antagonistic relationships with other animals that we perceived were a threat to us, such as snakes and mosquitoes. We favored animals that were examples of traits that we, ourselves value. Our valuing of loyalty made us love dogs. Our valuing of power made us envy and respect (even though we feared) large predatory animals like tigers. Animals held deep symbolism for us and deep meaning. Many even helped us to survive and line up with our own expansion. Others made us live in fear.
Many cultures, especially indigenous cultures, recognized this relationship to certain animals at a spiritual level. They recognized that within the spirit of each person is a special relationship to an animal (potentially more than one) and that the developing of this relationship would lead to both personal development and enhanced life experience. Members of certain indigenous cultures even practiced the art of shape shifting into the specific animal that they resonated with the most.
Most people do not differentiate between a totem animal and a spirit animal. But differentiating between them is important. A spirit animal is someone’s animal equivalent. It is the animal whose vibration is the most identical to a person’s unique and authentic essence. This animal possesses traits and qualities that mirror a person’s innate and inborn traits, qualities, needs, desires, purpose, strengths and weaknesses etc.
Because energetic frequency dictates physicality like a blue print dictates what is physically built, a person tends to physically resemble their spirit animal in ways. The spirit animal is the animal that a person would shape shift into if they were practicing shape shifting in an indigenous culture. Even though being a human makes it so you belong in the family of human, the spirit animal indicates your place of belonging within the animal world. For example, if your spirit animal is a wolf, you also belong to the wolf tribe. My spirit animal is the red fox.
A totem animal is a protector, helper and guide for a person. Most people confuse one of their totem animals for their spirit animal. Usually, a person’s favorite animal is in fact a person’s totem animal. This animal usually possesses traits and qualities that a person needs at a given time. For example, a little girl may feel very unsafe and powerless and insignificant and a horse may come to her as a gentle, powerful and regal protector. They tend to show up in people’s lives at specific times when they are needed. This is why it is critical to acknowledge the affinity you have towards a specific animal and also to acknowledge the meaning of a specific animal appearing in your life at a specific time, especially if it happens in repetition. But that being said, all people tend to need the guidance, protection and help of a specific energy over the course of their lives, which means people tend to also have a totem animal for which they have a very special life long relationship. This animal is more like a “partner” or “best friend” through the journey of life. A person can have one or a few totem animals. You are offered kinship and welcome with the tribe of your totem animals. And it is said they will only harm you if they must do so in order to assist you on your life path. They will only harm you if doing so imbues you with their specific medicine. My life long totem animals are the horse, the cougar, the piebald python, the mourning dove and the jellyfish. People who have chosen a life path to influence or lead lots of other people tend to have more totem animals than other people, in the same way that people who influence or lead other people tend to have more spirit guides.
To generalize, before a living being encounters trauma, he or she is in a state of relative cohesion. We could say that he or she is in a state of oneness or experiences wholeness in and of himself or herself. If a person were to stay in this state, they would easily know what their spirit animal is. The law of attraction would draw this animal to them. They would recognize this animal as themselves. But by coming into a physical life experience and even more so, when we encounter trauma, we begin the process of fragmentation. We split our own consciousness. In the moment of trauma, we subconsciously create a split between the vulnerable self and the self that coped with that vulnerability so as to self preserve. This means that even though we have one body, within that body, we end up with multiple selves. Some of which we are identified and some of which we deny, reject and disown. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease.
It is critical to see that we identify with the parts of ourselves that coped to self-preserve. These aspects protected us. They allowed us to stay as far away from our vulnerability as possible. Our personalities therefore are in essence, fake. Our personalities are merely the parts that we identified with so as to stay safe and away from vulnerability in the very specific situations that we were raised in. We suppress, reject, deny and disown the aspects that make us vulnerable or get us disapproved of in the world. By doing this, they become subconscious. They are buried outside of our awareness and we don’t know they even exist, even if they are visible to other people around us.
This has vast implication for spirit and totem animals. If we identify with a part of us that keeps us safe in any given experience, that (and not our genuine essence) is going to be what our frequency resonates at. Because we have mistaken who we are for a protector part within our own consciousness, the law of attraction will draw us therefore to mistaking our totem animal, an animal that keeps us safe, with our spirit animal, an animal that might vibrate more closely to what we have suppressed, rejected, denied or disowned within ourselves. For example, say I felt abandoned as a child in some way; I could not stay connected to the part of me that needs others. That is not self-preserving. I would identify with a part of myself that can be very independent. Therefore, if my essence vibrated more closely to a herd or group animal, like a deer, I would suppress and deny and maybe not even take notice of that animal. I would not recognize it in myself. I might identify with and show preference for an animal that is highly individual, like a snow leopard.
There is also another animal that is significant to all people. This is a person’s shadow totem animal. A shadow totem is an animal that vibrates at the frequency of what is the most denied disowned and rejected within a person’s own self and consciousness. The qualities and traits of this animal are often the traits that were the most shamed out of this person’s being. Or the traits that seemed to lead to the most un-safety in that person’s life. For example, lets say that you grew up in a culture that made you believe that you do not control your destiny and you began to feel totally out of control of things happening to you that you could not change and that you were at the hands of fate. You would begin to lose touch with the part of you that weaves your own fate. You would no longer trust in life enough to be patient and let things come to you, you would not want to be in a receptive state. You would approach the world through tying to control instead of to create. What you may deny within yourself the very most therefore could vibrate at the frequency of the spider. The spider would be your shadow totem.
A person’s shadow totem on rare occasions may be their actual spirit animal. Some shamans, including myself, see the shadow totem as a second spirit animal. The two of these animals represent the unification of a person’s conscious and unconscious mind. The spirit animal representing their conscious and the shadow totem representing the subconscious, like a yin yang. Most people do have awareness of their shadow animal, it is often the animal they tend to fear and avoid the very most. My shadow totem animal is a blue whale.
From an esoteric perspective, getting in touch with your spirit animal, totem animals and shadow totem animal can greatly help you on your path of awareness, integration, and self actualization. In the indigenous cultures, everything in existence, including you, is said to possess ‘medicine’. That is to say that its being contributes and assists in this world in critical ways. For this reason, its medicine (and this animal because of its medicine) is to be revered as sacred. For example, if you suffer from confusion, you could benefit by eagle medicine. If you possess objective perspective, you may possess eagle medicine within you.
Even though we are in the practice of complete integration (which is to recognize that all that exists, also exists within us) and therefore to master all medicine, integrating your spirit animal and shadow totem means you can re-own your unique inborn medicine. It is self-actualization and expression as opposed to lack of self-awareness and self-suppression. And integrating the medicine of your totem animal means you can master and make use of the medicine that you are in need of in your life in general, or at a specific time in your life.
Because it may interest you, any of a person’s spirit, totem or shadow totem animals may and often do also shadow a person in non-incarnated, spirit form; just like a spirit guide. And what most people don’t usually think about is that a group consciousness can be treated like a singular consciousness. For example, your family line has a consciousness that vibrates at a specific frequency, like an energetic signature. The energetic signature of your family’s consciousness also has an animal equivalent. This means, your family has its own spirit animal, totem animal and shadow totem animal. So does every race. So does every religious group. So does humanity in general. Humanity’s spirit animal is the wolf. Humanity’s totem animal is the eagle. And humanity’s shadow totem is a snake.
Technically, a human is an animal. However, humans have a very developed self-concept. We call this self-concept an ego. The human ego enjoys seeing itself as not only separate from everything else on planet earth, but also superior to everything else on earth. Therefore most humans see themselves as different to and superior to animals. But it would be interesting for you to know that other animals can have spirit animals, not just people. Indeed, another animal, like a whale could have a human for a spirit animal.
Also what may be of interest to you is that animals are not the only thing that works this way in our lives. For any category of things, we can have a thing that is most identical to the frequency of our personal essence, a thing that is most identical to what we have disowned, rejected and denied within our self and a thing whose energy we need because it serves as a protector, guide or helper. For example, we all have a spirit plant, totem plant(s) and shadow totem plant. We also all have a spirit mineral, totem minerals and shadow totem mineral.
When it applies to the category of animals, an animal can be an insect a reptile, a mammal, a bird, a fish, an amphibian, a mollusk, a worm, literally any biological organism that belongs to the biological kingdom of animalia. People’s preferences towards certain animals and aversions relative to other animals make it hard for them to recognize their spirit animal and master the medicine of specific animals. Because we tend to ascribe certain approved of and desirable traits to some animals and consider certain animals to be superior to others, we all want our spirit animal to be something like a bear or a panther or a hawk. Most of us have an aversion to discovering that our spirit animal is a grasshopper or a mouse or a newt or a garden robin. That makes us feel bad about ourselves. But the reality is that many people have spirit animals that they would not (with their conscious mind) wish them to be. What you need to recognize is that every animal, no matter what our ego driven minds may think, has a very special medicine and the denial of that medicine that belongs to your spirit animal, is also a denial of that medicine within yourself.
Your preference towards a specific animal is always important. It is usually always the indication that this is one of your totem animals. Regarding your spirit animal however, it is inevitable if you commit to the discipline of integration, you will no longer be suppressing, denying and rejecting parts of yourself in favor of others and so it will eventually be obvious what your spirit animal actually is.
For most people walking the earth, in order to discover your spirit animal before you have integrated, and have it assist you towards that integration and self actualization, you must bypass the structure of your ego entirely and enter an altered state of consciousness, which some shamanic medicines do and even some ceremonies or rituals and meditations and dream states can do for those people who are able to dis-identify from their self concept with such exercises. Journeywork ceremonies, rituals, meditations and dream states are the very best for discovering your spirit animal. I offer one such meditation to find your spirit animal myself on my website TealSwan.com (CLICK HERE).
It would be beneficial to operate with the perspective that you cannot choose your spirit animal. It chooses you. It is simply a perfect vibrational match to your unique essence. Because your spirit animal is a vibrational match to you, it will often show up in your life, whether you take notice of it or not. Therefore, be in the state of observation. But you do not have to take a passive approach. You can open yourself to becoming aware and ask to become aware of what this animal is, as long as you are also taking care to not let the ego tell you it is an animal that suits your ego or confusing a totem animal for your spirit animal.
Certain people with mastery of their extrasensory perception can tell you what your spirit animal is, but even I do not often do this beyond confirming or denying what someone already suspects because in my experience, it is a much better and deeper and more meaningful approach to guide someone to find it themselves. People tend to not really own the truth if it is handed to them by someone else, instead of if they discover it for themselves. This is one reason why vision quests, journeying, and worldly encounters tend to be the preferred choice of shamans over the course of history regarding people discovering and owing their spirit animal.
Once you have found your spirit animal, learn all you can about it. What traits do you associate with this animal? Discover the perspectives of other people and cultures about the “medicine” that this animal possesses. Spend time around that animal. See into this animal, feel into it and listen to it. Come to understand it. Meditate with this animal in mind. Take note of this animal’s weaknesses. See them in yourself. Take note of its strengths and find and express them in yourself. Surround yourself with things that remind you of this animal and proudly represent this animal. Do this same thing with your totem and shadow totem animals. Call on this animal for support. Feel it inside you and with you always.
Because we have evolved to think ourselves to be above nature, many consider the reverence of nature and communion with the animal kingdom to be primitive and irrational. This is a travesty. We are losing touch with our place in the big picture of the world and we are failing to recognize the world in us. Because of this, we are destroying the natural world, animals along with it, and not even seeing that doing that is ultimately leading to our own demise as well. Recognize yourself in nature and recognize nature within yourself. Practice the medicine inherent in each animal, no matter how small or large and no matter how revered or rejected by humanity at large. Own the medicine you came in with and share it with the world… The medicine that is reflected in your spirit animal.