Ask Yourself...

Top cohouser, selected by synchronicity! Attracting florists! Going to Oud Heverlee! 

These questions 😆

Attracting people who want me to take care of them. 

Trying to get milk from an empty bottle

On 11/18/2020 at 3:52 PM, Riah said:

These questions 😆

Back again. Still these questions

Constantly looking at my phone looking for a message or notification that a person that I blocked has call me. Even though I know he won't.  

Hiding

Using the Internet to escape my problems 

Living a miserable life

Self hate

Trying to control my body

Trying to fix myself

Running away from making any actual change

Keeping pain in, keeping positive things out

Making excuses to not move forward

Drowning in my own skin

Confusing myself to not have anything solid in my life

Running away from commitments and responsibilities

MAN this fucking life.

I think I’m repeating codependency and enmeshment in relationships

Procrastination 

On 2/14/2021 at 12:21 AM, GreenDagny said:

Stagnation of not healing 

Yes. 

Seeking intoxication upon the feeling of lack

Resistance to getting fit.

Codependent patterns. Not defining/communicating/maintaining boundaries.

that if i run away i can get away from what i want to change/heal in myself. but no matter how many jobs i quit or how many apartments i move to i am always there at the next one with the same things i wanted to get away from.

Giving my power away to other people

Being afraid of being myself

Giving in into fear

Falling into belief that I'm not enough

Not trying at my job, just being lazy

Edited May 27, 20224 yr by nocturnette

the ritual i created for perpetuating a sense of self-sacrifice, self-pity, self-importance, comfort in darkness

I am replaying the past in my head looking for more memories. I want to remember the small thimgs that make me full.

On 11/4/2020 at 10:52 PM, Buschmannjulie@gmail.com said:

Top cohouser, selected by synchronicity! Attracting florists! Going to Oud Heverlee! 

Not deciding, although i am more and more consciously deciding to do something or not (cold water). Attaching myself to Toon even though we set each other free. 

Looking for reasons to justify me not taking action

My unresolved childhood trauma. The elephant in the room. 

Doing mistakes even small ones, made me extremely afraid of loosing connection.

Because my mother who treated me really badly told me it was because of my defectiveness. She told me everyday I was like my father, (who abused us) and like my schizophrenic aunt who abused her siblings, and I was told I was born evil, I was told some children are born closer to Satan, and should be beaten, me beeing one of them. And she punished me recklessly and mercilessly for the smallest mistake and in general treated me badly. 

So when I behaved in an unaropriate sexual manner, in lack of awareness ( I was abused, besides from some curiosity beeing normal, also due to trauma reaction beeing a bit hyper sexual) I got shamed and hated for on top of that, by her. And wasn't meant to speak about it. Like in general. 

And I couldn't talk to anyone about it, so I carried it all alone. Noone ever knew about it. About how I felt about myself. And it was so damaging.

I felt like I couldn't be trusted around other kids. And I was very smothering to be around me, because I was desperate for connection at the same time. 

When my youngest brother was born. 6 years younger, I was afraid to touch him and to hold him, because of my defectiveness. I was also afraid to touch an animal I dearly loved, after a really bad day with my parents (where I've been scapegoated again) beeing the reason they got into physical fights.

I was afraid, and hurt. 

And apart from beeing very gentle and loving with animals and younger ones. 

I once had a boyfriend who was 3 grades above me and I wanted him to do adult things and wanted to force him to. I got really angry ran outside, and screamed kicked a pole, cried and ran away. (and swore to myself never again)

I felt like an adult and I felt all alone, with my mistakes. It was to much to carry. 

And to this day, my mistakes make me feel a huge fear of loss, of loosing connection, they make me desperate, smothering, overbearing, they make me go and meet my needs in manipulative roundabout  ways.

When I was a child it was like, I've made a mistake, either totally unaware, or directly no, no please don't leave, stay with me, STAY, PLEASE. Be my all forever.

Now it's like whenever Im in a relationship and I make a mistake, I try in all kinds of ways to keep them, and feel like I'm holding them hostage. 

I am worthless, born this way and by this theory I've lived the last 28 years. And I feel like I don't know how to have a relationship. 

I'm repeating my pain of loss, I've lost another best friend and I'm struggling to overcome the associated feelings of existential separateness. What's new, I'm attempting to fan the flames of my own divinity, for the love of lack of want. Thru deep breathing work all thru the day, and deep dreaming work all thru the night, trying to connect to source so that my cup runneth over, but not based on external influences 

We often meet our fate on the path we choose to avoid it, I supposed I'm trying to take the path less traveled today, I'm done crafting my way along, seeking to avoid things. In my dreams, I plan to stop avoiding the sword, I hope to allow myself to be killed next time. No more trying to control fate, it doesn't do anything but magnetize you to what you seek to avoid

I keep creating buffers from reality and intimacy. I'm afraid of being seen, so I create distance. It damages my relationships - most importantly, my relationship with life. With fear in the driver's seat, a cycle of "almost" keeps on spinning.