That certain traits and purposes and qualities are better than others. That there are inferior souls and that they pretty much shouldn’t exist when there are superior ones. That its a joke to be less. 

This whole emotions thing, I was so deep in it that it almost had me doing things I’d regret forever, but I did feel more alive then I currently do,, a bit of a tug of war going on because I need both

Determinism. I have a very deep need to be seen with all of my emotions and there’s no way I could be seen, heard, felt, understood in this point of view. 

The point of view that you should live life according to your emotions. It's so scary to abandon logic in favour of intution

The point of view that currently threatens me is: "You're not wanted therefore you have no value or meaning. You are meaningless" because, that's my worst fear. I was an unwanted pregnancy. I was only ever tolerated, not welcomed or wanted. It's excruciatingly painful and one of the most difficult lies/myths to dispel, because I have a lifetime of evidence to prove this concept/belief and only a thread of hope / truth to cling to. It's a precarious state to be in, all the time. I welcome more certainty and significance into my life.  

Currently I suffer from ptsd the reoccurring thoughts about how I am my past is a threat to my life. It’s overwhelming it’s not only a setback it’s soul sucking from this point of view there is no future. Altogether it’s feeling unworthy of happiness, love, fulfilment.

That I need to move on to a major change or not ?!

The resistance to my resistance.. But is it my thoughts or my emotions or my body pain? What comes first or do the work together? 

The tought or the idea people have:

That things are allways the way they look like, (naiv people who think they see it all through, when they dont) 

Like when someone has stolen in the past. (we cant trust hes going to steal forever.)

Like this is our neighboor, I dont know him, but really nice guy.

That others quickly misjudge me or think of me as evil, or think somethings wrong with me, I cannot be trusted. 

And me thinking this is honestly distracting rn. 

But in reality apart from my "paranoia" 

Tooo many things, for example the idea of my mother almost killing me as a child was a legitimate thing to do. She completely feeling like Mother Theresia, while beeing irresponsible and other things, it still feels like a threat to me. My brother feeding into her bs. 

Many other things. 

Sound like the daily update question....

That I am going to be abandoned someday by my partner

Misunderstandings

Zing! What a great question I feel that the point of view that currently threatens me is not inside me but outside me...the assertion of value by others and how that energy hits me...as it tries to re-enter my mind-body temple to cause mayhem if allowed.  My challenge has been to know as well as hold my own value no matter what life and its people bring at me.  I already know that I am the diamond and also that I have been through many muddy experiences to cover my shine yet I am always a diamond, regardless of if yall can see it or not. I know what I am, I know my value. Also, in retrospect...The funny thing and interesting thing to me is to see how someone treats a diamond that they know not of...true character is seen. Tis why I enjoy a layer of dirt or two...keeps em guessing, shows me who they are.

thank you, writing this down helped immediately haha even if it only makes sense to me. Cheers 

A point that threatens me is; that we are all one, there are no real barriers between us, we are a part of each other - this seems to me that when i interact with other people or give them love, i have to identify myself as them, and i feel that it infringes on my identity, and that I have no choice as to who i am and how i see myself as. This bothers me especially if i have to identify myself with someone that has a low self esteem. I see so, like SO many people with low self esteem and I just want to flee away from it cause it's painful to feel and watch. That's ego i know. But that's how it is. 

Not being heard

Im afraid that if im working on my healing, and I allow myself to feel good. Someones (my mother) going to come, take me and ruin my life and everything in it again, and I will never be able to feel good. And maybe Im ignoring the power I let her have over my life, and my responsibility in that. And maybe Im doing that first of all because I have close to no actual relationships in in my life and secondly because she never acknowledged anything shes done to me (and shes done alot, to be naming a few things: neglecting me emotionally and physically as a toddler, beeing an alcoholic, beating me up so badly I had to be taken to the hospital, letting me be molested) wich isnt what this is actually about (she doesnt change, and she is unable to treat me decently in many ways, or acknowledge mistakes in the present, one of them beeing: Lying about the past) And it doesnt sit right with me at all. 

Maybe the question behind all this is do I still want and need this relationship.. But Ille guess Ile have to dig deeper. to actually ask myself this question. And this is making me feel super stuck. If i had a partner or something of similar value, it would be alot easier but to be honest it would just be strategy. And I feel like if Im with her in a relationship (wich I "have to be") I have to completely decide against myself and Im not at all myself. Because shes unwilling to ever acknowledge my reality. And I dont feel alive or like me or a human, I feel like a thing in other peoples worlds. I also feel completely invisble. (like so often in my life) I basically feel traumatized and yes invisible and stuck.

And I have been trying to fight myself out of this state the last 2 Years. as it didnt work.. Due to low selfesteem and selfhate, and lack of general trust in my life... After trying of 2 Years, it feels harder to remove this and to get out of this. (because I have actually tried the best in my conscious ability) And yes I did grow during this time. I did. Still though I feel stuck af:)XD 

I honestly like many things about her, I wish she would love me, (But she will never love me) And I want to be with her in a relationship. But I cant and I have to stay away from her cause it will destroy my entire life. And my internal world. And I cant be with her. I want to desperately almost, but Just as deperately I want to get away from her. And this is why Im stuck and hurt. And angry.

And I wish I could actually talk to someone who kows me and likes me about this, and to get a hug.

That ultimately nothing really matters. That all of it, me, my life, whatever I do, say, think or feel, is just some sort of silly joke from another dimension. Why? Maybe its an addictive sense of freedom of myown nothingness coated with sugar powder and it makes difficult (maybe impossible) to connect or commit to anything in life. There's nearly nothing you cant let go of. Death may come, and that's quite allright too... That came out a bit weird.

That I have no actual support as allways, more like a bunch of people who make it even harder for me. And that people on top of that will stand infront of me, and tell me what I did wrong and whats wrong about me, cause in that way they dont actually have empathy or engange with me. And that I be completely loosing it. And ghosting them on top of that, or what not. And people gonna look at me again, like somethings wrong with me and Im batshit crazy. And I will as allways be alone and keep it all to myself. And be depressed noone there, noone listening. Its really a cicle. And it sucks. And than after that the cicle really repeating itself. Again. And again and again. Till I maybe one day have enough of it and kill myself. Noone would care anyways, but theyd all be like: why did she do it?... maybe a different version of this could be... moving away and ghosting everyone, like for the next 10 or maybe 30 years.

When people perceive me to be separate from them. I feel threatened because now they project negative thought towards me (the worst part subconsciously) and are totally unaware of the negative impact they are creating. 

That feeling of unsafety threatens me the most when people seem to perceive how their negative focus towards me doesn't affect them and so they continue the spiral. 

The point of view of trying constantly to avoid what I don't want instead of going in the direction of what I want. I used to have many prejudices about discipline but tbh discipline is really helping with that issue now bc it helps me focus on what I want and gives it birth, so my perspective changes.

Hummmmmm i guess that i should not achieve what i am going for. I am hunting a place that i once was and something inside of me is saying dont let them see you.

That I'm not enough. It's threatening because if I deeply hold to it, I'll only line up with that which confirms it, and that will bring me suffering. 

Not beeing able to create intimacy between me and my child, not wanting to have him. Beeing stuck with him. Unability to be mother. 

My child somewhere else with different people, taken away from me. 

I don't know wich is worse. 

Internally I already have rejected this child. But I also love him. This is difficult. I want a new brain. 

Any opinions and ideas are very much welcomed. I need emotional support and therapy.