For thousands of years, duality within the universe has been like a war. Good versus evil; both sides unwilling to see itself in the other. If you are reading this article, chances are you identify more with being part of the side we call ‘good’. For thousands of years the approach that the ‘good’ took towards the ‘bad’ was that it needed to save itself from the bad. The approach it took was to separate itself from and protect itself from the bad. All the focus was placed on how to be good. If you read many of these old scripts, like the Bible, which were translated through the limited understanding of the human mind at that time, it paints the picture that there needs to be a power struggle between good and evil. It tells you how to be on one side, by separating yourself from the other. It tells you how to defeat the other.
It never worked to restore us to wholeness. In fact this very approach is what gave rise to more war. Only this time, the ‘good side’ now justified war as goodness. We could justify murder and justify rape and justify genocide and justify condemnation all in the name of ‘goodness’. All we had to do was to make the thing we were in opposition to “bad”.
When embodiments of the divine, such as The Buddha and Christ came down to humanity, they did not teach this. What they taught was love. But what is love? To love is to take something as thyself. To pull it closer to yourself. This naturally leads you into compassion and kindness towards the thing you love and towards meeting the needs of that thing. But they did not teach to do this selectively. Jesus, famous for lovingly caretaking the lepers in society, taught to love all things. He taught to love what you currently push away from yourself. He taught to love unconditionally. He did not say that there were any exceptions, because there are no exceptions.
The Buddha recognized his adversary, Mara as himself. He saw him as equally responsible for his own enlightenment. And he did not teach to cast him out or defeat him so as to separate from him. He taught his disciples to metaphorically invite their own Mara in for tea.
We have made love, which is to take something as ourself, conditional upon that thing being good. Which is the very torment perpetrated upon us by our own society when we came in as babies and learned that certain aspects of ourselves were acceptable and certain aspects were not. And so we cut ourselves off from, suppressed, denied and disowned those aspects. We fragmented ourselves. Like a puzzle that is unwilling to allow certain puzzle pieces of ours to be included in us. We have never succeeded as a race at doing the one thing that will dissolve that which we call ‘evil’… Which is loving it.
This morning, I listened to a sermon given by a Reborn Christian minister and cried. I cried of sorrow because knowing the being that we call Christ, having invited that essence into my heart, one couldn’t help but cry. “Cast out the demons and send them to hell” he said. But the highest truth of this universe is oneness. There is nothing that is not God. All beings in existence are part of that oneness. Just as illusion and truth are both part of what is real. Demons and angels are both part of God. They are a fragmentation, a division within source consciousness, a fragmentation within the mind of God. They are both God’s children so to speak.
The universe, (that which we call God) is wanting us to actualize that oneness once more. It is calling us home. It has been calling us home for centuries upon centuries upon centuries. It creates embodiments of itself, like Buddah and Christ to call us back home. And listeners distort that call. They warp it to fit in with their own culturally ingrained resistance.
Coming back to oneness, calls for a drastic change of approach. The approach can no longer be to separate oneself from evil or bad by becoming good. The approach cannot be to separate oneneself from one’s humanness by becoming divine. The approach cannot be to separate ourself from demons by using angels to cast them out or to side with Christ against the Devil. The approach cannot be to get rid of the aspect of ourselves that we do not want and do not like so that we can be what we want to be and what we find acceptable.
The universe is a mirror of us. We are a microcosm in the macrocosm. We are a fractal of god. For the universe to become one, we must become one. We will do that by integrating. We will integrate by loving the aspects of us that we do not currently love. By pulling close and seeing ourselves in the aspects of us that we want to push away. This is the true teaching of Christ. What I am telling you is that the time has come for unconditional love. Unconditional love must be practiced towards the things that we want to push away from ourselves the most. Integration is the true mission of God. It is the desire that exists within the mind and heart of God.
If you must fit this in with your attachment to being good, you can see it in this way: The ultimate form of good is good that can see goodness in that which we call evil, good that can love evil, good that can recognize itself in evil, good that excludes nothing, including evil.
We are being called to end this war between good and evil by integrating good and evil. For the truth of us is that we are beyond polarity. We are both and we are neither. Love is the highest truth of all. And the truth of love is no different than the truth of oneness. And the time has come to put it into practice.
I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again. No matter how much you may want it to be different, you have needs. Every being on earth has needs. A need is something that is required in order to live, succeed or be happy. And you cannot un-require something that is required. You cannot argue your way into seeing that it isn’t necessary. You have one option when it comes to your needs and that is to meet them.
But this is easier said than done. Why is it easier said than done? Because we so often have aspects of us that are standing in the way of having that need met. This is not natural and normal. You are born understanding that your needs will be met and that it will be easy. A baby is not born panicking that it will not get milk or worrying about having its diaper changed. To the baby, being cuddled is not an impossible dream. We learn through our trauma in our own life experience that our needs will not be met and worse than that, that our needs are not ok.
A common pattern we have is that we go to the places that cannot meet a need for a need we have. This is like going to an auto shop for food. We want to be connected, but we get into relationships with partners who are not available and who are avoidant of connection. We want to feel free, but we take a job where we feel imprisoned.
The primary need in all beings is the need for love. However, because of our life experience, we have beliefs standing in our way like “love is not possible”. We may have experienced pain in conjunction with love, so now we are afraid of love because we have experienced that love means pain and it cannot be given without ulterior motives that will hurt us. So we do not allow in the very thing that we need and want so desperately. From this state, we are the person who is starving for food in a grocery store convinced there is nothing to eat. The people in our life can see that they are giving us the very thing we need and want, but we cannot take it in.
We have to become aware of what we need. To recognize this, we have to feel for the sensation in our mind, emotions and bodies of upset, dissatisfaction, craving, wanting or desperation. For this reason, it is critical to learn how to feel. If you are not aware of how you are feeling, you will not recognize the feeling of upset, dissatisfaction, craving, wanting or desperation. For this reason, if you struggle with feeling, I suggest that you watch my YouTube video titled: How To Feel. When we feel that lack, we can ask ourselves what it is that the feeling is telling us we need and want at this moment.
Some needs are quite simple to meet, especially if we already know how to meet them and no resistance is standing in our way of meeting them. For example, for most of us in the western world, if we are hungry, we do not feel a serious lack when we get hungry because nothing is standing in the way of our getting what we need (which is food). We just go to the fridge or store and get something. But if you grew up starving, this need would not seem so simple and so you would feel both lack and desperation in conjunction with needing food. In the western world, most of us experience trauma (which is at its fundamental level the experience of lacking something that we need and want) around emotional needs. So, when we feel these needs within us, we feel extreme lack and desperation and they do not feel easy to meet. We have developed a lot of resistance to being able to seek them out where they are available and an even harder time taking them in. We are emotionally starving. When this is the case, we need to learn how to meet our unmet needs that we feel a resistance to being able to meet.
The question you need to ask yourself once you know what that unmet need is, is: What would I have to give up in order to have (fill in the blank with what you need)? For example, for me to be able to feel love when I’m sitting in the room with someone, I would have to give up my belief that love is dangerous. I would have to give up my constant thinking because the mind brings me out of the body so I can’t feel connection to people as ‘real’ people in the room. I would have to give up the story that I will always lose what I love. I would have to give up sending text messages to that person who never sends any back.
Keep in mind that anywhere we have an identification, anywhere our identity is wrapped up in a state or being or behavior or thought that causes one of our needs to not be met, it will be particularly hard to meet the unmet need. To meet that need, we will have to come up against and let go of our own sense of identity (which feels like a life and death choice in order to meet that need). For example, lets say that you were the scapegoat for your family. Your entire identity was formed around the idea of something being wrong and bad with you. So, your unmet need is feeling loved the way you are. But any time you are in a situation where you could feel that need being met, it will register as a contradiction to your own sense of identity and you will feel terror about having the very thing you need the most because your ego will register it as a death of its sense of self; regardless of the fact that that sense of self is painful.
The mental understanding of what you would have to give up in order to get your needs met, offers you the potential of being able to directly face those barriers and change the beliefs and take different actions. But far beyond that is experiencing the needs being met in whatever small way that you have access to in an embodied way. For example, lets say you want connection. Obviously the way to meet this need is to sit in the room with and focus your undivided attention on and open up with someone who is going to do the same thing with you. When you do this, just focus on connecting to them. Watch the resistance that comes up. Observe the thoughts that are coming up in response and the emotions that surface. Stay with that resistance long enough to feel it settle. And in that space, after you have become aware of where you can’t feel that connection, see where in your body you can feel that connection; even if it is only in your skin or your knees. See if you can imagine or sense of feel yourself spreading that feeling through your whole body.
If you need abundance, go to the places that feel abundant. Go to a fancy place and sit there. Try to feel like you are a king. Feel wealth in your body. Watch the resistance come up. Listen to the thoughts that come up and the painful memories and the painful stories about the future and about yourself. Stay with it long enough to settle. In that space, see where you can’t feel abundant. And see where you can feel abundant. See if you can spread that feeling of abundance through your whole body.
I did a video a while back called “How To Feel Better”. It was an episode about feeling signatures. I highly suggest that you watch this episode again if you’ve seen it and that you watch it if you haven’t seen it. I explained how to use feeling signatures deliberately. If you have a need for something that you have no real experience with because it feels too inaccessible to you, you can invoke the experience of something that is the closest to it. For example, I may not be able to feel the feeling of belonging. But the closest I’ve ever experienced to that feeling is the way I felt when I was toasting marshmallows on a camping trip. I can focus on that experience and when I feel my emotions respond to that, I can take that feeling of the marshmallows themselves and toasting them into my body and into my heart and into every tiny little cell.
The reality of this universe is that it is governed by the law of attraction. Things of like frequency match and coalesce. This is the real reason that people who were born wealthy have no problem creating wealth. They do not often have many thoughts or actions or life experiences that contradict the frequency of wealth. In the absence of that contradiction, nothing is preventing them from manifesting that need immediately. When you release resistance to the things that are preventing you from having what you need, when you give up what you have to give up in order to get a need met, you can allow yourself to feel the opposite vibration from that lack. When you feel the opposite thing, the thing you need and even more than that, when you recognize that you are feeling it (so it becomes real to your embodiment), the need is being met. In this vibration you are a match to those needs being met in ever increasing ways. The need will be met by virtue of the very fact that you are not in the vibration of lack any longer. And in this vibration, you will be inspired to take different actions, the actions that will simply further manifest that need being met. You will see ways to meet your own needs. You will be a match to people who can meet those needs. You will align with the circumstances necessary to bring about what you want. The “how” to accomplish those goals will be revealed to you.
A relapse is a period of deterioration after a period of improvement. Relapse can apply to any deterioration after improvement; but it is most often used in reference to addictions or recovery after an injury or illness. For example, if an alcoholic manages to go months without having a drink and then after a hardship, begins to drink again. Or for example, if someone’s condition improves in the ICU for a few days and then he or she takes an unexpected turn for the worse again.
Even though these are the most common uses of the word, we need to think with a wider scope. We all experience periods of relapse. For example, even if we don’t have an addiction, we can have relapses relative to anything we struggle with. For example, we may struggle with money and then make more money, only to lose it and struggle financially again. Or for example, we may struggle with relationships and find ourselves in a relationship that feels good only to experience something that makes us struggle with relationships again. So think about relapse in terms of areas of your life where you struggle and make improvements, only to re experience struggle again.
The most painful thing about a relapse is that it makes the improvement seem temporary and the state of deterioration seem permanent. And because no one consciously chooses deterioration, it feels like you have no control over it. The place you were in emotionally and mentally and even physically before the improvement is more familiar. After all, you keep ending up back there. You feel like you spend your time climbing out of the hole with a ladder, only to fall back into the hole. And when this happens, it begins to feel fated.
For example, the dark spaces you get into before shooting up with heroine and when you are in a relapse begin to feel like the places you actually belong. Whether they want to belong there or not. Or the loneliness you experience before you find a relationship and when your relationship is in a relapse begins to feel like what you are meant for in this life. Because of this, it is very easy to slip into a depression about the relapse itself. It feels like the ultimate discouragement. You feel powerless to it.
When you are experiencing a relapse, it feels like you have no control over yourself or over the conditions in your life and your life is not going well. Because of this, it feels like the universe is against you. For this reason, I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled: I Can’t Trust The Universe (I Feel Like God Is Against Me).
The other painful aspect of relapse is that it destroys your self-esteem. You started to feel better about yourself because of the improvement, but now that you have relapsed, you are making that mean something about yourself. You are making it mean that there is something wrong with you. And the more times you experience recovery and relapse, the worse you feel about yourself. Take a good look at yourself right now. Ask yourself, what am I making this relapse mean about me and about my life? Meaning can either be like the keys setting you free from prison or the signature on your own death certificate. For this reason, I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled: Meaning, The Self Destruct Button.
So what if you are experiencing a relapse?
It’s important to see that when you are experiencing a relapse, you will have two patterns at play that are keeping you stuck in a state of resistance and therefore caught in a kind of Chinese finger trap. The first is that you are so desperate to get out of the relapse and get back to improvement that you are fighting where you are. You are resisting what is. You are most likely desperate for relief. When we are desperate for relief, you will reach for anything that will give you relief, even if those things are detrimental in the long run. This is what is happening when we pick up an addictive behavior or substance or relationship again. We’re reaching for relief. Wanting relief is not wrong. We simply have to be conscious of what relief is beneficial to us in the long run. The rest of the advice I give in this article will help to get you unstuck from this pattern. The second pattern is that we feel so powerless to the relapse and so powerless to do anything about it that we turn our attention towards the past. We cannot accept that the relapse happened. We cannot accept anything that made the relapse happen. We begin to fight emotionally and mentally with the fact that it happened. We do not realize that we have no control over it having happened at all once it has happened. All we can do once something has happened is to accept it happened and to do what we can with what we have from where we are. So, see if you can see that most of your energy is being spent re-playing what happened and fighting with the fact that it happened; resisting the fact that it happened and how it could or should have been prevented. See the futility of this. See if for the pure reason that you can’t un-do what has already occurred, you can just accept that you are in a relapse.
When you’ve had a relapse, refocusing on healing relative to the same thing you thought you healed from already feels totally pointless. It feels like you’ve already been there and done that and it obviously didn’t work long term. You feel like you’re back to square one, so why take a step again. Really sit with the fact that we are at a crossroads. Either we get to give up and totally surrender to being out of control or we get to start over by putting one foot in front of the other in the direction of improvement again. Stop thinking about which decision is right and which is wrong. Seriously consider both options because you have free will. Do you go left or right? Play both options out a week and then a month and then a year and then two years and then five years. Really consider this crossroads. If you decide to start over, really pour all of yourself with complete commitment into starting over. Make it a conscious choice, not a choice you feel like you have to make.
Most experts will tell you that skills that involve control over the mind, like meditation, are a critical thing to learn and apply during relapses, because on a mental level, a relapse is a downward spiral. But what is it about meditation that works? The answer is that it stops thought. It slows the momentum of the thoughts that are leading you deeper into torment. If you are in a relapse, every day, take just fifteen minutes or more if you really want to and stop thinking. To learn how to do this, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Stop Thinking.
When you’ve had a relapse, it feels like no matter how hard you try, you will keep slipping back into the hole. Imagine the image of a yourself climbing out of a hole with a ladder and falling back into it. Now imagine this image turning upside down so the ground was now the sky and the sky was now the ground. You can see that from this angle, no matter how many times you go into the hole, you keep coming out of it. Sit with that for a minute. You just realized a truth. The truth is, it works the same in reverse. No matter how much you fall into the hole, you keep getting out of it. It’s like the fight about whether the glass if half empty or half full. The reality is both are true. Also, you already got out once. You can get out a second time.
There is a reality that most people do not see. Our minds organize things according to linearity. We see things in a straight line. This is why we feel like our future is hopeless when we experience relapse. But the universe doesn’t actually function in terms of linearity. For lack of a better word, linearity is an illusion that was only created in this universe so we could perceive progression and expansion. In reality, everything is cyclical. It functions much more like a spiral. And healing is no exception. Healing happens in cycles. It is not a straight line from unwell to well. Think of it more like an onion. Where the onion represents the thing you’re trying to transform. If you began at the center of the onion, moving in a straight line from the center to the exterior of the onion (let’s call that freedom and the state of being healed) you can see that you’d hit layers of onion and spaces between those layers. Each layer of the onion you go through brings you closer to freedom and total healing. But each time you hit a layer, you feel like you’re back in it again. This is what a relapse actually is. It means you have hit another layer of the thing you’re trying to transform. And this is why each relapse provides more awareness and more insight that makes you more conscious and thus more free and more healed. And guess what? Because this is the way healing works, relapse in some shape or form is inevitable for people. When you are having a relapse, you tell yourself other people are able to stay out of the hole and you keep falling back in. But this is not the reality. You are simply comparing yourself to people who are out of the hole, when you are in the hole and feeling terrible about yourself. They are going to end up in the again too. It may be about something different. They may be trying to transform different things. But if they are living and breathing, it is inevitable that they will have more layers of the onion to go through.
Use your mind to deliberately focus your way into a better state about where you are. Get out a sheet of paper or a computer and write down “I am in a relapse” and write down what that relapse is. Then, write down how being in this relapse makes you feel. Also, write down what this relapse makes you aware that you want desperately but don’t feel like you can have or keep. Relapse is after all an indication that you want some improvement that you feel like you can’t hold on to and keep. Then write down pages worth of any thought that makes you feel just a little bit better. Pay attention to the feeling of relief. Because you want to write anything that causes you to feel relief. Begin by writing thoughts that reflect where you are, so you can get them outside of you. Then write angry thoughts. Then write any thought that makes you feel better about the situation. Pretend you were a philosopher or a lawyer whose job was to make it ok to be where you are and to make you hopeful about the future. What would you do and say in order to make your case? Write it down.
Use your mind to create the sensation of relief in your body directly. I did a YouTube video a while back called “How To Feel Better”. I highly suggest that you watch that video at some point if you are struggling to feel better and want a deeper understanding. But in that video, I explained that we can create feeling signatures that change our state. We do this by picking the best feeling thing that we have access to visualizing and focusing on it and imagine bringing it through our body. For example, when I’m in a low state, I can’t imagine being loved by someone or being wealthy. The only thing I have access to that feels good might be the memory of toasted marshmallows or the image of a sunflower in the sunlight. So, I focus on that. I put all my attention on it and when I feel the feeling of that, I imagine and sense and feel that feeling of the toasted marshmallow or of the sunflower being taken through my whole body, around my organs, into my cells and bones. I hold it while feeling the sensation of relief.
Take responsibility back again immediately by creating a plan of action that nurtures you in the direction of improvement again. Make it into a list and keep that list in your wallet or purse or somewhere super accessible. Taking responsibility by taking action will actually pull you out of powerlessness. For example, if I struggle with becoming chronically suicidal, during a relapse I will write a list of things to do that will pull me out of that state such as: 1.Collect a play list of sounds and songs that soothe my nervous system and feel uplifting. And I will put that play list on. 2. Close my eyes and imagine the aspect of me that is feeling suicidal as if it is a little person inside of me and have an inner dialogue with it so I can figure out its needs and meet them, as if it were my job to take care of this hurt part of me. 3. Go running at the gym where there are lots of people. 4. Read a book about something that really interests me. 5. Get in a hot bath with lavender oil. Etc. Make this list long. And any time you feel yourself spiraling, take out the list and just do what it says. Just do it without thinking about doing it. Taking action towards improvement will probably involve other action items, like seeing a therapist or attending an event or going on a vacation. But these things are more long term and the reality is, in a relapse you need actions that are immediate in order to stop the downward spiral.
Do not isolate. Now is the time to reach out to have connection. Most relapses happen when people feel isolated, alone and disconnected from others. That being said, make sure to reach out to connect with people who will not tell you that there is something with you (which is a push away emotionally) or that there is something wrong or bad about you needing connection. Reach to people who also want connection.
Become aware of what led to the relapse. Relapses don’t come out of nowhere. They happen when too many stressors or a stressor of too much magnitude to cope with occurs. Instead of fighting with the fact that it happened, simply identify the conditions that created the relapse. Not only does this provide the awareness of what happened, it also puts you in the position to make changes to your life that can prevent it from happening in the future. Some stressors are unavoidable, but some definitely are. If you struggle with relapse, chances are high that you have not yet made the changes necessary to your life in order to meet your needs and create the conditions that prevent relapse instead of contribute to it. Use this relapse to learn about yourself.
When you are suffering a relapse it feels like you are back at square one. But you are not. It is impossible to be back at square one in this universe. That defies expansion. You are simply hitting another layer of the onion. And more you commit your full energy to facing this layer of the onion, now that it has arrived; instead of fighting the fact that it has arrived and trying to make it un-arrive, the easier it will be to move through it. And stop telling yourself that you’re the only one who can’t seem to stay out of the hole. If you were, there wouldn’t be so many views on this very article would there be?
When we are thinking, we are not present with all of ourselves. We are not present with our bodies. We are not present with the way we feel. We are not present in the world. We are not present with other people. We are only present with the unfolding of thoughts and wherever our attention to those thoughts take us, regardless of whether that place is positive or painful. And this happens so unconsciously that we don’t even really know what we are thinking about specifically unless we decide to specifically observe our thoughts.
In the modern world, we cope with our minds. If something is too painful to experience physically or emotionally because we feel powerless to change it, we cope by retreating into the mind. We give thought all of our attention. Pretty soon, we don’t rule the mind. The mind rules us instead.
A thought is only as strong as the attention you give it. It gets its power from your interest. What you have no interest in is not registered in your mind as existent. The mind is not present because thoughts that are being responded to by the law of attraction are always about what’s next. It is the mechanism for expansion. The you that is getting pulled and sucked in by thoughts is the real you, which exists beyond thoughts, emotion and body. This is what we have been calling spirit or being. If you were the thoughts you were thinking, if who you are is the mind, you could not watch your thoughts. Watching your thoughts requires you to be looking at them. You can’t look at them and be inside them at the same time. This must mean that at some level, you are separate from thoughts in the same way that an artist is separate from his own painting as well as other artist’s paintings that he is looking at.
However, thoughts are a bit more complex in that they are not just created by you. Your mind is not only creating thoughts, it is also perceiving them. It is perceiving thoughts that are not even yours to begin with. Thoughts are subject to the law of attraction. If a thought is fed with focus or attention for about 16 seconds, it begins to attract other thoughts of a like frequency. For example, if you are sitting on an airplane and you think about crashing and if the fear you feel causes you to focus on that thought, you will begin to attract other thoughts that vibrate at a similar frequency. Even thoughts that have been thought by other passengers or people who have ridden in that plane before. Often, this causes us to spiral downwards until we are in a panic. This is a problem because if we do this for just over a minute, we begin to attract physical experiences that are a match to the frequency of those thoughts. For example, if we are in panic because of thoughts of crashing in a plane, we tend to attract experiences that enhance the panic. Things like turbulence and electrical malfunctions and meeting people that have been in plane crashes for example.
Because thoughts attract thoughts, we can see this as a kind of unconscious momentum that begins the process of painful manifestation. It is easy to enter a downward spiral of painful emotional experience and then painful manifestation because without meaning to, our mind becomes like a run away train. For this reason, one of the most beneficial things to learn is how to stop thought.
Stopping thought is like stripping the momentum out of a runaway train so you can deliberately direct it. Doing this is putting your own mind in a position to be used like an instrument instead of being used by your mind.
The first thing to understand about stopping thought is that you cannot NOT think about something. In fact trying not to focus on anything is a sure fire way to lose control of your thoughts. It works the same way that trying not to think about a single thought does. If I tell you “don’t focus on lemons”. You just thought about lemons. And the more you try to not think about lemons, the more you think of lemons. This is because in a law of attraction based universe, there is no such thing as exclusion. There is no such thing as not something.
So how do you stop thought? You close your eyes and pick something specific to focus on in your mind. You dedicate all of your attention to that thought or that thing. You make sure that the thing you are focusing on is not a complex or a big thought. You make sure it is something that you don’t have a lot of feeling or other thoughts about.
Some of my favorites are:
The image of a blue sky
A blank white sheet of paper
A part of my body, like my knee
The sound of my own breathing
The sound of a faucet or air conditioner
A solid color that appeals to me on a given day
My heart beat
You will notice that thoughts come like little wormholes or like the opening to a vacuum cleaner tube and sort of suck you in. They tempt you. They suck your interest in with a subconscious gravity so that soon, you are paying attention to their separate linear story line. Pretty soon, you realize you are not focusing on the thing you were supposed to be focused on anymore. Instead of focusing on a blank blue sky, you have re lived an event that happened earlier in the day for example. It’s like a trance. When this happens, name the thought that interrupted your attention by naming it either mentally or out loud. Doing this means you are not engaged in the thought process anymore. You have “called it out” and by doing so, you have halted the momentum of the energy you were feeding into it so it can’t attract any more similar thoughts. And direct your attention back to the thing you were originally focused on.
When you do this exercise, you will notice your mind rebelling. Like a wild horse, it will fight for your attention. But soon the thoughts will subside. You will feel the peace of focusing on what feels like nothing.
If your thoughts are particularly pervasive visually, you can add a variation to the practice. You can see the thoughts as they pop up to try to take your attention as being distanced from you somehow. For example, if you are focused on a blue sky, as thoughts come up, see them as clouds and visualize them floating by like clouds come and go. Or if you are focused on a blank sheep to paper, see the thoughts as drawings that come up on the surface of that paper and crumple them and visualize them being thrown into a waste paper basket. If your thoughts are pervasively auditory, you can imagine hearing a vacuum sucking each one of them in as they show up so you cannot hear them anymore.
Make sure that when thoughts come to rob your attention, you do not resist them by trying to pull away from them or by blocking them or by ignoring them. This resistance to them actually also feeds them. Instead, put yourself in the mindset to expect them and acknowledge in a welcoming way that they have shown up. And when they show up and you recognize them, merely help them go where you want them to go as if you were sorting something that was coming to you on a conveyor belt. This is a practice of non-attachment.
Feel free to get as creative as you would like with ways to lovingly disable the thoughts as they come up to try to rob your attention. And just continue to re-direct your attention back to the original thing that you chose to focus on. Expect that to begin with and potentially forever, this will be what you have to do in order to stop thought. But the more practice you get, the easier it becomes. You will be able to stop thought in this way at random times throughout the day without having to close your eyes.
Practicing stopping thought means you will soon have a choice what trains of thought you will fuel with the momentum of your focus and which ones you will not. And I cannot tell you how much freedom you will feel when you experience this as an actual choice.
Family therapists and Child therapists have known for a long time that the key to understanding children, even those who are not capable of speaking yet, is that they set you up to feel how they feel. So, however they make you feel and however you feel about them is actually an exact mirror of how you are making them feel and of how they feel about you.
Today, I’m going to tell you that this dynamic does not actually end with childhood. This universe operates according to the law of attraction. This essentially means that the universe we live in is a giant three-dimensional mirror. Your reality mirrors you precisely so that by recognizing the mirror, your awareness of yourself can cause you to change and to expand. That being said, we do not often recognize the reflection when it shows up in the mirror.
Because of the law of attraction, however you make someone feel, regardless of whether it is intentional or unintentional, will eventually become how they make you feel. Therefore, it is not that children make you feel exactly how they feel. It is that all people and even more than that, all beings make you feel exactly how they feel. And it isn’t usually intentional or conscious on their part either. It is that their reaction to how you are making them feel, makes you feel the exact same way that they feel.
For example, a man works from sun up to sundown. Because of this he is not making his wife feel loved. She feels like she has no value to him. Eventually, she gets a lover and cheats on her husband. He finds out and feels unloved. He feels like he has no value to her. Or for example, a wife feels secure when she controls all the planning for the household. Eventually this starts to make her husband feel totally powerless and out of control. Soon, he refuses to commit to any plans that she is making. This starts to make her feel powerless and out of control.
I’m not going to sugar coat the truth for you, the truth is that mirroring sucks to experience. But we can use the fact that people in our lives put us in the position to feel exactly the same way that they feel like we made them feel to our advantage. We can use it to understand other people completely. We can use that understanding to resolve our conflicts fast. We can use that understanding to see ourselves and our impact on other people clearly.
Whenever someone makes you feel a certain way, especially in a conflict, consider that the way they are making you feel is the way you either have made them feel or are currently making them feel. So, first identify how you feel. If you’re in a painful relationship, write down the many different ways you feel. Then consider how you might have made or be making them feel that way. Despite what they may be saying or doing, see them and their actions through this new lens of seeing clearly how they feel because now that you are feeling it, you do get it.
From there switch your strategy of resolution. Now that you recognize how they feel, make the conflict resolution deliberately about the way they feel. Do and say things that make them feel the opposite. If you want to know exactly how to address someone’s negative emotion, watch my YouTube video titled: Emotional Wake Up Call. Follow the steps outlined in that video with this person relative to the way you now know that they feel.
For example, using the examples I gave previously, the man would go straight to the root by addressing the feeling of not being loved and valued. He would do things to make her feel loved and valued. The wife would go straight to the root by addressing the feeling of being totally powerless and out of control. She would say and do things that made him feel empowered and more in control of himself. If we focus our efforts on making them feel differently, (for example valued or in control instead) it is an inevitability of this universe that they will in turn make us feel differently. The reflection in the mirror will change.
Confusion in relationships is a super common event. So much of the time when we run into conflicts in a relationship, we have no idea what is happening or why it is happening. We slip into the perception that the other person is completely unjustified and is being unfair with us. We tell ourselves that they are wrong and that they are crazy. We try to make sense of what is going on without remembering that the universe is a mirror. We can use that mirror to understand ourselves and to understand them. So never forget if you are confused and in pain in a relationship, that other people unintentionally make us feel the exact same way that they feel like we are making them feel.
Most men on earth think they are free. The reason for this is that they have been sold an idea about what freedom is. They believe more in the beliefs they have been indoctrinated with than they believe in their own emotional guidance system. As long as they live in alignment with the beliefs they have been sold, they think they have freedom. But what if the idea of freedom that has been sold to you is actually a prison? What if I told you that the beliefs you live your life by are the bars of your own perfect jail cell?
When you are not living free, your life is a rat cage. And even the most awakened people walking the earth are not free. Their rat cages are simply bigger, more elaborate and they escape from time to time. Consider that all people on earth have a rat cage… A rat cage tailor made just for them. Consider that a rat cage is anything that keeps you apart from what you genuinely want. Consider that a rat cage is anything that keeps you apart from who you really are. Consider that anything could act as a prison bar in your own rat cage. Consider that something that once set you free from your rat cage can now be the very thing keeping you trapped inside it.
When you ask me why we stay inside this rat cage, even when we know we are not free. The answer is attachment. The heart of attachment is identification. To identify with something is to see it as yourself or as essential to yourself. Things that we believe preserve us and our wellbeing and survival on a mental, emotional and physical level are the things we are the most attached to. For example, you may know that your 9-5 job is part of your own personal rat cage. It is keeping you back from what you really want. But because you think the money you get through that job is essential to your wellbeing and survival and you think you cannot get that money any other way, you are attached to it and you stay in that 9-5 job regardless of the distress it causes you.
You are an extension of this universe. You are indivisible from the universe at large (that which we have been calling Source or God). And because of this, it takes you as itself. This is unconditional love. For more information about what love is, and why the universe loves you, watch my YouTube video titled: What Is Love. Because the universe is after one thing and that is self-discovery and self discovery is realized through universal expansion, which is actualized through individual expansion, the universe will enable your individual expansion at any cost. The number one enemy to expansion is imprisonment. Anything that holds you back from your own growth on a mental, emotional and physical level is going to be targeted by the universe for demolition so to speak.
Another way of saying this is that because the universe loves you and prioritizes your expansion at all costs, if you do not free yourself from your own rat cage, it is going to free you from your rat cage. Because of the strength of the rat cage, the bills to pay, mouths to feed, reputation to uphold, people to not let down, you stayed stuck while desiring freedom. And so the universe heard the call to be set free. When a person really desires a radical restructuring, they want a fresh new start. Not an alteration of what currently exists. Because of this, it will introduce circumstances, people and events that will break down the bars of your own rat cage. This doesn’t sound like such a bad thing. And it isn’t a bad thing at a higher level. But our rat cage is comprised mostly of things that we are attached to and identified with. And any time we are identified with and attached to something and it is taken from us, we experience that as pain. So, using the previous example, imagine that you are attached to your 9-5 job. Imagine the universe sees that the job is holding you back and brings to you the circumstances to get you fired. You have been set free from the rat cage bar of your job. But because of your attachments to it, you may now be in terror about having enough money and feeling bad about yourself because you were rejected for not being good enough.
The universe will never stop for love of you, stripping down the bars of your own rat cage. But we have been collectively subconsciously and consciously asking for such a large shift in the collective consciousness of mankind that the universe is gearing up and has been in the process lately of destroying the rat cage for all of mankind. This process is a bit like a forest fire in the collective. I say it is a forest fire because it is a dramatic cleansing of what holds us back so that the new can take its place. A forest fire is a destruction that makes the earth a match to even more fertile and even more prime for healthy new growth. As this applies to collective consciousness, it is a demolition of the things that humans in general are attached to but that simultaneously halt our expansion. These ‘forest fire’ periods are not easy time periods for mankind. Without mercy or patience, the universe answers our cries for freedom by demolishing the rat cage around us, regardless of what part of that rat cage we are still attached to. When this happens we often become overwhelmed by pain feeling like our life has collapsed around us.
For this reason, I am going to suggest that you begin the process of setting yourself free from the attachments you have to your own rat cage before the universe demolishes it for you. The very best thing you can do right now is to think about what you have been desiring that is outside your own personal rat cage. And do not put it off for one more second. Do it before the rat cage collapses around you. Do not let the universe have an excuse to crash it for you. Think of it this way, if there is no rat cage in your life, there will be nothing for the universe to crash and nothing for it to burn down.
We are headed for a cleansing of the collective human shadow. We are in a phase in our lives where we will all be made aware of not only the collective human shadow, but our own individual shadow so we will acknowledge and face them head on. It’s not that this stuff is new. It’s been going on in a hidden way forever. But now it has been given permission to come to the surface and into plain view so we can both love it and change it. So much of what is holding you back from your own expansion is what is contained within your own shadow. For this reason, I suggest that you watch my video on You Tube titled: ‘What Is Shadow Work’.
What if I told you that the part of you that can never be harmed, that can never be imprisoned, does not and cannot buy into this lie? What if I told you that no matter what you do or how much you try to cover it over with white noise, it will continue to tell you that you are not free? It will tell you through the way you feel. Like a North Star that can’t stop shining brightly enough to ignore. If you walk in the opposite direction, you will not be able to fully tell yourself that you are going in the right direction.
The good news is that the universe will continue to show you how you are not free. Because expansion is its number one priority, it will never stop confronting you with the things that are holding you back from what you want and from who you really are. This means, you don’t have to try hard to go find the ways you are imprisoned in your life. You just have to notice the feeling of being prevented.
Being prevented registers in your embodiment as pain. So, when you feel pain, it is a good indication that you feel prevented from something. Whenever you feel that feeling, something, whether it is a belief or a pattern or a thing is acting as a jail bar. You just have to look at two things: #1 What that feeling is letting you know that you want and #2 The elements of prevention involved. And involve other people in the process of becoming aware of what specifically is preventing you, if you think that an outside perspective could benefit you. For example, if I feel pain when I get into a fight with my partner, I can stop at that moment and ask myself, what am I wanting right here and now? Perhaps the answer is to feel close to my partner. Then I watch my thoughts. I see what thoughts are distancing me from my partner. Those thoughts are preventing me from what I want. I can then work on those thoughts directly or deliberately focus on thoughts that bring me closer to my partner. I can then look at my actions. What am I doing or not doing that is preventing me from being close to my partner? If I discover those, I can take different actions.
It sounds easier than it actually is because usually strong jail bars are being created by multiple things. And it sounds easier than it actually is in practice because it requires great bravery to make changes where our attachments are concerned. Wherever there is an attachment or an identification there is fear present.
Put all of your energy into what makes your heart sing and to the places that call to you. Pay very close attention to the guidance you receive directly from your own intuition. Follow it whenever it tells you to do something different or to go somewhere different.
If you want to help other people lovingly (not desperately), help them recognize their own personal rat cage and how to dis-identify with it. Ultimately you will not be able to make them awaken or make them leave the rat cage. Perhaps you may find that certain people in your life are the bars of your own rat cage. Set yourself free so that the universe at large has nothing left to set you free from. For this reason I invite you to ask, what do you want the very most and what is preventing you from that? That which prevents you from anything you want, is the rat cage of your life. The time has come to break free from them. What is your own personal rat cage?
What do you want? What is keeping you from it?
I am going to answer the question: What is love? In one sentence. I will then go on to explain what that sentence means. To love something is to take it as part of yourself. It is an experience more than it could ever be a concept. Love is inclusive. It is the energetic movement towards oneness. When you love something, you energetically pull it towards you and include it as you.
The exact opposite vibration of love is fear. To fear is to separate something from yourself. Fear is exclusive. It is the energetic movement towards individualization. When you fear something, you push it away and dis-include it from you.
The ultimate reality in this universe is that of oneness. We may perceive there to be separate things in the world. But this perception is an illusion. We are all comprised of the same energy that is merely expressing itself as different things. And this energy is not only infinite; it has consciousness. This is what we have been calling God or Source for thousands of years. A thought occurred within that consciousness and that thought was “I” or ‘define’. It wanted to define what it was. That one thought was like an unstoppable cancer. It was the birth of the Ego. It was also the birth of relationship and attachment. That thought immediately gave rise to the concept of “other”. There can be no “I” unless there is something that is “not I”. Like a cell dividing, the united consciousness began dividing and dividing and dividing. These fragments within oneness, fragmented to the degree that the consciousness of those fragments lost awareness of the whole. You are one such fragment within oneness that lost awareness of the whole. So is the chair you are sitting on. So is the taxi out on the street, so is the tree outside.
Occasionally, one of these fragments recognizes itself positively in another fragment and in that moment, takes it to be the same as itself. This is love. Separation is an illusion. An illusion is still part of united consciousness (what we call God or Source), because there is nothing that is not part of God or Source. For this reason, we could call fear an illusion within source consciousness whose reality is love.
Why is Love the reality of Source or God? Why is Source or God synonymous with Love? Because to love something is to take it as yourself. There is nothing that is not part of Source or God, so nothing in fact can be excluded from Source or God and therefore, by default it takes everything as itself.
Watching the energy when a person thinks “I hate” or “I don’t want” or “I don’t like”, or makes negative judgments, it pushes things away. It pushes them away from oneness and into a state of loneliness. This opposes love. This causes pain. In fact there is only one type of pain in this universe. That pain is separation. There is only one kind of happiness in this universe. That happiness is unity. Any time you feel pain of any kind it means that you feel separate from something. Any time you feel happiness of any kind, it means that you feel united with something.
When we get into pain in a relationship, it is always an indication that we have a fear present (why we feel the separation from them). So any time we feel this, we can expose the fear instead.
When I am in pain of any kind, I have to ask myself, what part of myself am I trying to push away (usually in response to it being awoken by something external to me)? Is it the side of me that doubts the rest of me? Is it the side that feels so powerless and cut off from others it is in rage? Is it the side of me that doesn’t feel like it is good enough? Can I take that part in as part of myself? Can I bring it closer? This is radical self-love.
The universe is a mirror of self. Doing this automatically makes the world more unified because in taking care of your resistance in this way it takes care of your external resistance to the external thing that triggered the resistance.
For example, a war triggers the aspect of you that feels powerless, you want to get away from that part of you, but by bringing it closer, taking it as yourself, your resistance to the war is decreased by proxy and that ‘ends’ war because war is resistance. Or lets imagine that someone in your life is super accomplished. They may wake up in you the part of you that feels like you’re not good enough. They may also be a reflection of the aspect of you that has such high standards that you are cruel to the aspects of yourself that are weaker. That person was a mirror for both aspects that you have not loved in yourself (not wanted to include as part of yourself). They mirror the split, the two fragments within you that are standing opposite each other. The “never good enough” victim and perpetrator. By seeing that both fragments actually need to be loved, to be brought in and closer, it becomes possible to imagine doing so. By doing this, you “love” them. And by loving them, you are in fact loving the other person external to you, who mirrored them.
Meet the need of the disintegrated self. The disintegrated self is anything internal to you or external to you that you push away /resist. This is really your work in the world. What can you offer this aspect that feels separate, so as to bring it closer to the whole? This is loving it.
One of the easiest love practices to take on is to look for similarities. When you are in a state of fear, you will unconsciously look for differences between you and everything “else”. This strengthens your sense of me vs. others. It results in pain. So, with every thing you see, especially every person you meet, look for what is the same about you and them. What part of you are they a manifestation or embodiment of?
You, as a singularity, cannot love something and hate it at the same time. One part of you can love something and another part of you can hate that thing. But as you can see, to do that, you must in and of yourself be fragmented.
If you want to be loved, you must know that the biggest barrier to being loved is inauthenticity. In inauthenticity, you are not giving a part of yourself to someone, so they cannot even have the opportunity to take it as themselves.
The universes heart is broken… broken into different things and people. You can’t not have a broken heart as an “I” that is separate from other things. It is our job to love that broken heart back to unity. When we love anything, including an aspect of ourselves (because we are part of God or Source), we are in fact part of Source or God, coming back from a state of disintegration to a state of integration… Oneness.
The new question towards the things you fear and hate needs to be “How can I love this thing?” Ultimately, the answer is… How can you not? It is part of you whether you like it or not because you are indivisible from Source or God and so is it. It is part of oneness and love is to take it as yourself. You can’t not… You can’t not! Even if you push it away, it is still part of this universe, which is one. So it’s still part of you.
We spend an inordinate amount of time in relationships trying to figure out how to make the other person happy. We want to love them in a way that they can really feel that love, but we don’t know how. I did a YouTube video titled, What Is Love? In that video, I explained that to love something is to take it as part of yourself. To take something as part of yourself, you have to see it, feel it, hear it, and by perceiving it to that degree, you will understand it.
For this reason, I am going to tell you that to really love someone in a way where they will feel loved, you must understand that thing. I am going to go even further with this and say that you should stop trying to love them and start trying to understand them instead.
When you understand something, you know that thing on a mental, emotional and physical level. And the best part about this is, it is no longer a guessing game. You don’t have to guess what it needs and wants and what’s best for it. You don’t have to guess because you know.
As people, we don’t take the time or put forth the energy to really understand and know each other. Usually, we enter into relationships simply because we feel that we like them. They add something to our lives. Because of this, we are in a relationship with the idea of them instead of the actuality of them. Establishing a relationship is a highly unconscious process. Where does this lead? Disaster.
To help you to understand why this is a nightmare, I want you to imagine that a young child loves a little jellyfish at an aquarium and so his parents buy him that jellyfish. The child does not know anything about jellyfish. All he knows is he loves him. So, he loves him in the way that he feels loved. He takes the jellyfish out of the water and holds it in a blanket. He sings it a bedtime song. He tries to feed it a candy bar. He puts it back in the water. Are you imagining what that whole scene looked like? By the time the jellyfish is put back in the water, the jellyfish is dead. The child is destroyed. He does not understand why the jellyfish is dead. He may even blame the jellyfish for dying when all he did was show it so much love. Sounds a lot like what we feel and act like when someone we are in love with breaks up with us doesn’t it?
When we do not understand another person, this is what being in a relationship with them can be like. We do all the wrong things for them, thinking that they are the right things for them.
Also, if we do not really understand someone, we cannot know if they are genuinely compatible to us. For example, unless we understand someone to the degree that we understand that the best thing for someone is to have a partner who is always available and close to home, we may choose to marry them even though what is the best for us is to be home only ½ of the time because of the business we have. As a result, the relationship is miserable and full of conflict and eventually dissolves.
As for understanding someone, this is not really rocket science. Do the same thing you would do if you were obsessed with something as a kid. Immerse yourself in it completely. Let curiosity and the desire to know drag you mercilessly forward. When you were young, if you loved horses you checked out every book on the subject. You spent hours staring at them. You took riding lessons. You did anything you could do to become an expert on them. And if a scientist becomes interested in something that is unknown, he takes it upon himself to study it so that it becomes known.
What I am telling you to do is to become an expert on the people in your lives, especially your partner. Feel into them, see into them, listen to them, understand them. Become focused on knowing them. And when you do, loving them will be easy. You will know them to the degree that you will know exactly what their best interests actually are. You will now exactly how to love them and how to love them in a way where they really feel it.
The Ego is nothing more than your sense of yourself as a separate self. A singularity. It is your sense of yourself as an “I” instead of as a “We”. A relationship is about “We”. So it is easy to see that the human ego is the single biggest threat to relationships. But what dimension of the ego is the most dangerous to relationships? The answer is the human ego’s need to see itself as Good.
You were born into a society. Socialization is an integral part of an un-awakened society. In an un-awakened society there are collective social and cultural values. When we value one thing, we often condemn the opposite. For example, self-sacrifice may be a social value and selfishness is condemned. We deem one good and the other bad. In order to keep the social order, we socialize children. This basically means we train them to behave in a way that is acceptable to the society we live in. We indoctrinate children with our social and cultural values and reward them when they adhere to those values. We punish children when they demonstrate behavior that contradicts our social and cultural values. So as a child if we want our needs to be met, survive in society and have a chance at feeling things like love and belonging and contribution and safety (instead of being ostracized and ending up alone, which is worse than death) we have one option. To adopt those values of the society we are born into and hold ourselves to them! Shame is that painful feeling state that results from comparing yourself to your standards (standards you adopted from your society) and falling short.
The people who struggle with shame the most were disciplined by adults who made a direct correlation between doing bad and being bad. For example, a child who steals a cookie off the counter top and is looked at as if she is horrible or is told “bad girl” or “I told you no, what the hell is wrong with you” is going to be unable to differentiate between their negative action and themselves being bad. Shame is about being bad instead of guilt, which is about doing bad.
What does all this mean? If the number one need of the human Ego is to see itself as good and have others see it as good and shame is all about seeing oneself as bad and having other people see it as good, the number one enemy to the human ego is shame.
The ego will cope with shame through all of the classic coping mechanisms. And what do we know about coping mechanisms? They can destroy our lives and they can destroy our relationships. The ego will deal with shame by going into denial of it, deflecting it, rationalizing it, projecting it, suppressing it, splitting into alter egos, converting it into physical symptoms, overcompensating for it, intellectualizing it, isolating themselves or self injuring for example.
All of this is an attempt to avoid accepting and admitting to the shame we feel and working with it directly. When the ego goes into a state of self-defense in the form of blaming, it is because it wants to avoid accepting, admitting to and working directly with shame. For this reason, I suggest that you watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Overcome Shame.
What we all want so badly is to have relationships that feel good. We want relationships that are harmonious and that add to our wellbeing and happiness. The question is do we want them more than we want to preserve our own self-concept? Until we are conscious and our ego is not controlling the ship of our lives, most of us prioritize our self-concept over our relationships and over the people we love.
It is now that we need to talk about deflected shame. Deflection is when something someone communicates causes someone to feel triggered and as a result, instead of taking it in, they either ignore, deny or turn away from it. Or worse, turn it back towards the other person. To understand deflection completely watch my video on YouTube titled: Deflection (The Coping Mechanism From Hell).
The thing that people deflect more so than anything else is shame. This is how it works. Something that happens or something that someone communicates causes someone to feel shame. Usually it triggers already present wounds of shame that are left over and unresolved from childhood. As a result of not being able to accept, admit to and deal directly with that shame, they ignore it, deny it, turn away from it or more commonly, turn it back towards the other person. This type of a deflection is also a projection. It is a projection of one’s shame onto the other person. More simply put, a deflection in the form of projecting one’s own feeling of being bad onto the other person so it is them that is bad.
For example, a mother can feel shame when her infant expresses negative emotion towards her. It makes her feel like a bad mother. But her ego can’t handle that and so she deflects that shame onto the infant. She decides the infant must have something seriously wrong with it.
Or a person asks for the honest truth from a friend in their life. The honest truth makes them feel ashamed of themselves. They can’t handle that shame so they decide that friend is a horrible person.
Or a wife cheats on her husband. She feels ashamed, but can’t deal with it, so she makes it his fault because he didn’t pay enough attention to her.
Or a celebrity doesn’t respond to an e-mail because they get thousands. The fan takes this personally. It makes them feel ashamed. They can’t handle it so their ego avoids that shame by deciding the celebrity is bad and joining their hate group.
One of the most common situations that leads to shame deflection is boundary setting. When someone sets a boundary, this often makes people feel rejected. This is even more likely if the person setting the boundary makes the boundary violation about something that is wrong with the other person. The person instantly feels shame, like they are wrong or bad. They can’t handle that feeling of shame and so they deflect it back towards the person setting the boundary. They make the person setting the boundary wrong and bad.
An example of this is a friend violates a boundary by borrowing something they didn’t ask you to borrow. You get upset and tell them that wasn’t ok. They feel ashamed and can’t deal with it, so they decide that you are a terrible person and friend because they are stingy and selfish. If in this scenario, you had a conversation with them telling them it wasn’t ok and also added that you can’t believe they would ever think that was ok (like something is wrong with them for thinking that was ok), this would be perceived as shaming. And the likelihood of the shame they feel being deflected would be 100 times higher. They would most likely then separate from you and reject you as a friend.
If you see yourself as bad, you separate from yourself. A split has to form in yourself called conscious and subconscious to deal with it. And the same thing happens when you see someone else as bad. You have to separate from them. So eventually, the relationship ends emotionally and then ends physically.
For the sake of your understanding, think of it this way: Boundaries are natural. One can assert a boundary a sense of self-including a yes and no without becoming aroused into a state of defense. If you are aroused into a state of defense, it means shame is there. If shame were not there, what other people say and do wouldn’t hurt so bad. Those of us who suffer the most in relationships, have the most shame. And those of us with the most shame both deflect shame the most and enter into relationships with people who have a pattern of deflecting shame onto others.
Badness in our human society is integrally linked to blame and fault. This is why you see shame being deflected in the form of blaming each other. So often in a relationship one situation can lead to both people’s shame being triggered and in response they deflect it onto each other by blaming each other for the situation or for the way it was handled.
But there is a way to end this pattern in yourself and end it in relationships and thus end it in the world. There is a way to make relationships harmonious and stay connected. The way to create and maintain relationships is to own your shame.
For example, a man might feel defensive in a relationship argument about being emotionally available. He may tell himself that the woman that he is with is too needy. He has deflected his shame onto her by making her that bad one in this situation. When he looks deep inside, he may find that he is ashamed because he doesn’t feel capable of being emotionally present.
Deflected shame is not just about what we tell other people. It is about what we tell ourselves. Our ego is telling us a story that preserves its self-concept all day long, regardless of whether we tell that story to someone else or keep it to ourselves. This is the heart of self-deception.
Literally whenever you feel defensive in any situation or start hearing the inner voice tell a story about how someone else is doing something bad, ask yourself: “What do I feel ashamed of right here in this minute? What about this situation makes me feel like a bad person or defective or not good enough or wrong?
If you are in a relationship, commit to making this a part of your conflict conversations. Decide that both of you are going to stop for a moment, introspect to discover what you feel ashamed about in the situation and admit it to each other.
I will give you one warning. It is critical that if someone is admitting to the shame they feel, that we do not allow our ego to use that as an opportunity to strike while the shields are down and to deflect our own shame deeper into them (rubbing salt into a wound). This is abusive. Our number one terror is that by admitting to our shame, other people will use it to condemn us.
If you are setting a boundary with someone, be sensitive to the fact that because we grow up in a society where we are raised to believe that crossing a boundary is wrong and where we are shamed for being bad if we do something wrong. This means the likelihood for someone to feel shame as a result of setting a boundary with them is very high. Sometimes, it is literally unavoidable. But to limit this risk, make the boundary about what is right and wrong for you and why instead of about what is wrong about them. When we had parents who deflected their shame onto us when we set a boundary with them, we grow up to be ashamed of our own boundaries. When we are ashamed of our own boundaries, we have to justify it. The way we justify it is by projecting that shame we feel about assessing our own boundaries by setting our boundaries in a way where we make the other person a bad person for violating them, regardless of whether or not they knew the boundary existed before they crossed it. We have to make them bad or wrong in our mind to even feel like we can have the boundary and stay a good person.
If we want loving relationships with ourselves, we need to resolve the shame we feel. If we want loving relationships with other people, we need to help each other resolve the shame instead of adding to it. By owning the shame we feel, we have an opportunity to do this instead of allow our egos to be locked in a war over preserving self-image.
By owning our shame, we have the ability to end our conflict with other people and to be connected to them in a state of safety and love instead.
A double standard is a rule, expectation or principle that applies differently and usually more strongly to one person or group of people or circumstances than to another.
Here are some examples:
A woman can approach a man in a mall, reach out to grope him and tell him he’s sexy and this is considered acceptable. A man does the same thing to a woman in a mall and this is considered sexual abuse.
A woman has a different set of physical requirements on a fitness test than a man has on the very same fitness test.
A person cuts you off and you think to yourself “what an idiot”. You cut someone off and you think to yourself “he was in my blind spot.” Yes, for those of you who just caught it, hypocrisy is often an indicator that a double standard exists.
A leader can make unilateral decisions for a group of people, another member of the group cannot.
An unmarried woman has rights to her child. An unwed father does not.
A man expects his wife to be there for him when he is sick and stop doing whatever she is doing to support him. When she is sick and needs him to support here, he will not stop whatever he is dong and be there for her.
A woman has a very close friend who is a guy. Occasionally they hug. She expects this to be ok with her boyfriend. But if her boyfriend had a very close friend who was a female and occasionally they hugged, she would not be ok with that.
White on black racism is not tolerated but black on white racism is tolerated.
In one country, men are allowed to be unclothed and women have to be fully clothed.
A boss can have a negative attitude towards one of his employees and not lose his job but an employee who has a negative attitude towards his boss will lose his job.
One person would never choose to be in a situation where their needs come second to someone else’s needs. But they expect other people’s needs to come second to their own.
The reality is that double standards exist everywhere. Every person has them, whether they realize it or not and they exist within every society. As people, we demonize double standards because we have created link between double standards and morality. We have decided that double standards are bad and that having double standards therefore makes you a bad person.
We want to see ourselves as good people and we have been taught to treat others the way we want to be treated. We have been taught that it is downright wrong to expect something of someone that we can’t do ourselves. For this reason, we are likely to suppress, deny, disown and be totally unaware of our double standards. It’s too painful to see those things about ourselves. But becoming aware of these double standards that we hold is critical for our path of progression. It is how we will know what double standards to let go of and which ones to keep. Notice I just said keep? What if I told you that double standards in and of themselves are not a bad thing provided that you are fully conscious of them?
First, we have to stop making all double standards wrong. Instead, we have to become conscious of our double standard and conscious about WHY we have the double standard. From there, we can decide if it is a double standard that is best to keep or best to throw out.
I’m going to tell you something that may surprise you. Double standards are only ever a problem when someone perceives that the double standard is unfair. I’ll give you an example. It is a double standard that when a baby cries, mom is expected to immediately respond by comforting the baby. But when mom cries, the baby is not expected to immediately respond by comforting the mother. But none of us think this double standard is unfair. We don’t think it is unfair because there are lots of good reasons why the double standard exists.
When we are dealing with a sense of unfairness, what we are really dealing with is a conflict of needs. One person perceives that their needs are not being met because of an inequality relative to a rule, expectation or principle that exists in a certain scenario.
A boundary is a sense of self. It is a sense of one’s own wants, needs, preferences, likes and dislikes, yes’s and no’s. When a double standard conflicts with our boundary (our sense of what we want and don’t want, need and say yes or no to) we perceive it, as well as the person holding the double standard, as being a threat to our self. We get into a boundary conflict. To learn all about boundaries, watch my YouTube video titled: How To Develop Healthy Boundaries.
Many times, especially in relationships, the issue isn’t the double standard itself. It is that the double standard currently doesn’t allow for one person to keep their boundaries because to allow for the double standard means their needs are not going to be met.
For example, imagine there is a celebrity athlete who needs a team of people around him, all of whom are totally dedicated to his success. Imagine that he needs his emotional and physical wellbeing to be the first priority for people on his team. Now, imagine that one person on his team got sick. Because quitting his game to take care of that person and therefore making their physical and emotional wellbeing his first priority is going to conflict with his need, he will not do it. This is a double standard. He expects the people in his team to do for him what he will not do for them. But the reality is, if he did, his career might end. This arrangement is only unfair if his team is comprised of people who need their emotional wellbeing and physical wellbeing to be the first priority for him. If this is the case, he will get his needs met and they will not. If he finds people who do not have that need or who feel like the perks they get from being around him are a fair exchange for making his emotional and physical wellbeing come first and theirs second, this double standard will not be a problem.
Fairness is an important part of relationships and so is recognizing where double standards exist. But the reality is that some double standards need to exist for people to get their needs met. And it is perfectly ok given that the double standard is something that both people are aware of, both people agree to and given that the double standard does not conflict with the boundaries of either person.
It is really hard for us to admit to the double standards that we have. This is because double standards have the stigma of being bad, wrong, unkind, unjust, and unfair… Something bad people do. For this reason, we feel shame about having a double standard. Anything society shames us about or that we feel shame about is likely to be hidden from our conscious awareness. This is a problem because if it is hidden from our awareness, there is no way to have a conscious conversation about it. We cannot talk about what the double standard is and why it exists and decide if keeping it is necessary or if discarding it is necessary. We can’t even discuss how to remedy the boundary conflict with one another. This means, any time a double standard causes a boundary conflict, we fly straight into defense and attack and make the person holding the double standard the bad guy.
Many double standards, especially within society at large are unfair and quite frankly need to be trashed. The reason is that there is no room when it comes to a societal or global double standard for individual choice. There is however lots of room within a personal double standard for personal choice. For example, if all of society decides that women should not get equal pay to men, the boundary of any woman who is not ok with that is now violated. They are powerless to it. However, if one company decides that woman should not get equal pay to men, a woman who is not ok with that is free to choose. She can choose to not work for that company.
This is very true for relationships between individuals. When a double standard leads to a boundary conflict, there is plenty of room to figure out whether the boundary conflict is big enough that a genuine incompatibility exists. If this is the case, people are free to go separate ways or change their relationship and therefore expectations of each other. This is much better than fighting someone to meet our needs when our needs conflict with their needs.
One of the best ways to flush out double standards in relationships is to think about needs, wants and expectations. Become aware of what you want and need and expect from other people in different situations. Then, flip the tables and imagine that they need and want and expect the same thing of you in those same situations. Can you recognize any discrepancies?
Some double standards don’t exist for good reason. Some double standards on the other hand exist for really, really good reasons. For this reason, we need to take our attention off of the rightness v.s wrongness of double standards in general and instead place them on the needs conflict that is being canvassed by the double standard so we can figure out if we can and if so how to meet the needs of both parties involved.
So… what are yours?
A coping mechanism is an adaptation we make that enables us to deal with a difficult environmental stress that we feel we cannot change or eliminate. The adaptation we make causes us to feel like we have control over the way we feel and behave. One could argue that provided a person cannot actually change something, some coping mechanisms are beneficial to you and people around you and some coping mechanisms harm you and the people around you.
We can grasp this concept because looking at that definition; we can see that drowning yourself in alcohol is a coping mechanism that many people use to deal with the distress of their jobs. It is easy to see that this coping mechanism harms not only the drinker, but also often the people around the drinker. We can also see that using a coping mechanism, like changing the meaning you have added to a painful experience that is out of your control can potentially greatly benefit the person who is in pain and also the people around them.
But what we have to look at is whether the coping mechanism that you thought was benefitting you and the people around you was actually harming you and the people around you.
Denial is a coping mechanism that is damaging and especially pervasive in the spiritual and self help community. Denial is refusing to accept or admit to the truth of the reality of something unpleasant. An example of this is a person who has been left by their spouse and who continues to think and say and act as if they are just on vacation.
I cannot tell you how prevalent denial is. When we can’t deal with, change or eliminate something painful, in order to avoid despair, we simply deny whatever is painful. But it is a powerfully unconscious state of being because to slip into denial, a person has to stop seeing, feeling and hearing any proof to contradict it. At some level, they have to go into a bubble so as to not be reached by the proof of world.
You might think that denial is a good tool. After all, if someone can ignore proof in a law of attraction-based universe and focus on what they want to have be true, they will manifest that into reality instead right? Wrong. Denial is a state of resistance and suppression. It is a pushing against what is unwanted. It is a refusal to accept something. It is a war with what is. And whatever we resist, persists.
Denial does not work because unless you know where you actually are, you cannot know where you want to be and you can’t take the appropriate step between here and there. For the sake of understanding the difference between denial/suppression and genuine improvement, imagine getting in an airplane and flying out across the ocean. Imagine that a low oil pressure warning light comes on in your cockpit. Now imagine that instead of actually addressing it, you take a piece of duct tape and put it over the light so you don’t see it anymore. Can you see how that coping mechanism would get you into a whole lot of trouble?
Denial is not just about denying that there is a problem, some people see there is a problem but their denial comes in the form of minimizing the impact it has on our lives, excusing it, forgetting it or rationalizing it.
It is easy to see how we can deny something physical like that. But what about denying thoughts and denying emotions? We can deny those things as well. But I must say that the single most prevalent form of denial in the human race is emotional denial. We do not want to accept the reality of our own emotions and we do not want to accept the reality of other people’s emotions. As a result, we are constantly at war with ourselves and with each other. To understand fully about how to deal with emotions, I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled: The Emotional Wake Up Call.
But lets talk today about the effect of denial on relationships. We can see this most often with regards to childhood. Lets imagine that a parent simply cannot deal with the pain they feel in response to their child’s negative emotions because it makes them feel like they are a bad parent. Not being able to cope with that, they will deny the child’s reality and refuse to accept it as true or valid. They may minimize, invalidate, refuse to acknowledge the emotion or disconnect and withdraw from the child. The child is not able to be seen, heard, felt or understood by the parent. The child becomes desperate for their pain to be seen and acknowledged. They may develop disorders that show that pain physically in a way the parent cannot deny. For example, I have never met a teenage cutter who does not have at least one primary caregiver who copes via the mechanism of denial.
Denial in a relationship makes a relationship impossible. People may be in the same room physically, but they are in different realities completely and usually, the one who is not coping with denial is in torment because they are not just alone, they are alone in their pain. The single most painful thing a person can experience isn’t something painful… it is going through something painful, entirely on their own. Pain requires presence. Denial is the opposite of presence. To really help someone with their pain, it has to be acknowledged, seen and valid and understood. Otherwise, all the “helpful actions” you take aren’t really helpful; they are simply attempts to trump the person’s painful reality with your reality. It is essentially a war between perspectives.
Many people with the coping mechanism of denial simply cannot understand why nothing they do for other people is good enough or why when they try to do good things, people always get upset at them for it. The reason is that unless you are willing to fully accept the reality of someone else’s reality, you cannot see what is in fact genuinely right for them and needed and wanted by them.
People who cope with denial run into big difficulties in relationships and cannot often keep them long term unless they are in a relationship with someone else who also copes with denial because by virtue of being in denial, they are inherently antagonistic. They fight with other people’s unpleasant realities. Their mentality is “you are wrong about your reality or about how you think or feel”. Their mentality is “I don’t see you or feel you or hear you or understand you because it’s too painful to me to do those things.” The underlying message is: I cannot accommodate your reality into my reality and feel good at the same time, so I’m going to choose to leave you alone in your pain so I can feel ok.
But the lurking shadow underneath the denial is that the person who is in denial themselves knows in some place inside themselves that they are lying to themselves.
Certain spiritual tools can serve to enhance denial instead of awakening. This is the reason I did an entire video on Spiritual Bypassing. Take a look at it on YouTube if you are curious after watching this one. For example, positive focus can be a way to fuel denial of what is negative. To understand more about this, watch my video on YouTube titled: The Next Step In The Game. “You create your own reality by virtue of what you put your attention on” can be used to fuel denial. “You can choose how to feel” can be used to fuel denial. “No one else can hurt you because the only pain you feel is pain you allow” can be used to fuel denial. Changing the meaning behind an experience can be used to fuel denial. And the list goes on and on.
At the end of the day, the bottom line in all of this is that awakening is all about expanded awareness. It is the ability to hold space within your consciousness for all truth, not the controlled focus on what you want to have be true. Any methodology that is being used to fuel denial is by definition an enemy to awakening, enlightenment, awareness and expansion.
There are a few warning signs that can indicate that you (or someone in the relationship are in denial. They are as follows…
You can’t get on the same page with a person in your life no matter how hard you try.
If people around you escalate because they think the other isn’t hearing or seeing what is being communicated.
If you’re really confused in your relationship about what is happening.
If you have a pattern of controlling things and obsessing over what you can’t control while ignoring, minimizing or not prioritizing things that really do need to change.
If you like to come to people with answers about how to fix and solve themselves into happy people instead of being present with them and asking questions and curiosity because you want to completely comprehend their world.
If you judge other people for their negativity, especially their inability or as you see it, unwillingness to get out of negative states.
If your reaction to conflict or problems is to immediately blame someone else.
If you have an excuse for everything.
If you’re overly confident, especially in a situation where all signs point to demise.
If you feel ganged up on and like everyone has made you the enemy or is against you when people who are supposed to be your friends and family are against your point of view.
If your philosophy is “if you want something done right, do it yourself.”
If the bad moments are erased by the good moments, no matter how few and far between they are.
If relationships seem to go bad fast and with no warning.
If people around you seem like they are consistently overreacting.
If you have an attitude towards negative emotions and negative thoughts that say ‘this isn’t useful’ ‘it serves no purpose’ or ‘it only brings harm’.
If you daydream about things being different than they are.
If you are entirely focused on the potential good outcome and not on the potential pitfalls or on what is occurring now.
If you don’t want to burden other people with your problems.
If you realize that you simply don’t have certain emotions or have found strategies to not feel them the second they come up.
If you are an obsessive problem solver and you rush into finding solutions.
If you feel like talking about problems for too long is a waste of time and counterproductive.
And most of all, If you live according to the philosophy that you are simply selective about the reality that you will accept.
What should you do to come out of denial?
Ask yourself, Am I willing to feel? The reason we use the coping mechanism of denial is because we do not feel willing to feel our own negative emotion and our own pain. And the reality is, until the day that you can honestly answer yes to this question, you will struggle with denial. We have got to take a look at why we are so resistant to feeling and take a look at when that started.
Take a look at your life with curiosity specifically in terms of how you could have been in denial in circumstances in your past. See if you can see the damage that denial did and what could have been avoided if you were not in denial at that time. What would you have done differently?
If you really struggle with denial and feel brave enough to invite other people to tell you what they think you are in denial about or what you have been in denial about in the past, ask them to write a list for you and give it to you. Go over that list in your own time, watching how resistant you are to it. Go over the list with the genuine desire to see how they might be right instead of spending your time defending how they are wrong.
If denial is one of your coping mechanisms, you can guarantee that you have denied yourself over and over and over again. This is a self-abusive relationship you have with yourself and one of the first things you deny in yourself besides how you actually feel is what you actually need and actually want. So, I encourage you to get really clear about what your need and desires are. If you need help in that department, watch my video on YouTube titled: Meet Your Needs.
Ask yourself “What am I really afraid I might be in denial about right now?” Make a list. Denial runs deep. But often it doesn’t run deep enough to totally silence the little voice inside that is warning you about the potential truth of an unpleasant reality. Then ask yourself with each item on the list, “If I the voice of denial were not so loud, what would the unpleasant voice underneath it be saying to me about this situation?” See if you can really accept those unpleasant truths.
Reach out for support for those painful truths from someone you trust to see you clearly and accept all of you. The desire to isolate and not let anyone in on things that you, yourself don’t want to admit to is strong, but it is counter productive. After they are fully present with the painful reality, solicit their help to focus on an actual solution to what you now see is the actual reality.
Recognize that shame is literally the heart of denial. You do not want to admit to unpleasant truths because if you did and especially if people around you saw or knew those truths, you and they would see you as not good enough or less than or unworthy and you would have to feel shame. Shame is the emotion that you want to escape from at all costs. Because this is the case, first you have to really let yourself feel shame because your unwillingness to do so, is what is keeping you trapped in denial. Then, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Overcome Shame.
Feel your body when you go into defense and you tense up. Chances are if denial is your coping mechanism, it will be what you start doing if you feel threatened. So, when you feel that happening, close your eyes and ask yourself, how does this make me feel ashamed? This is the backdoor to get through your own denial. If you wish, you can explain to your loved ones that you struggle with shame so much that you are likely to go straight into denial if they express something in a way that directly implies that something is wrong with you. See if they are willing to communicate it in another way so that getting on the same page is easier because you will not defend yourself with denial. Instead you will be receptive enough to accommodate their reality.
Recognize that even though you love control, when you are in denial, you are in fact giving up control. By not accepting the reality of something unpleasant, you can’t do anything about it. Eventually, it will get out of hand and take its own course with or without your consent.
Watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Let Go Of a Coping Mechanism and take the steps I outline in that video for denial specifically.
Be brave enough to face your life. Realizing that you have been in denial and then using the acceptance of the painful truth you were denying to actually take inspired action is the key to a deliberately created life. You will be amazed about how effective the things you do from that set point are to create genuine and lasting improvements. You will be amazed at how much better your relationship with yourself will become. And you will be blown away at how harmonious your relationships can actually be.
Life on earth, creation itself is the byproduct of sexual energy. Sexual energy and conception/creation go hand in hand. And so you can see that sex and orgasm has an element of extreme creative force to it. The question is what are you conceiving or creating? What does this mean for those of us who are practicing the art of manifestation? It means that sexual focus is one of the most powerful tools for manifestation that you can possibly imagine. To understand more about this, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Use An Orgasm To Manifest. Nothing matters more than what you are focusing on and feeling the experience of in the moment of orgasm. What you focus on, especially on a feeling based level, is what you are trying to conceive and manifest into your reality.
In the minute of orgasm the accumulated energy that is building up is released. That powerful burst of energy is released towards what you desire to create with the subconscious intention of manifesting it into reality. Even the most unconscious people walking the planet today instinctually feel that link between sex and creation/manifestation. Even the most unconscious people walking the planet today also feel the undeniable link between DESIRE and sex.
But the reality is that most people walking the planet are unconscious of their genuine desires. Most people feel the desire for a person or a thing, but do not understand why they feel the strong desire for that thing.
This is why we struggle and fail to understand what is really going on at a fundamental level with sexual fetishes.
Here’s the secret behind all sexual fetishes. Behind each one of them is something that we want to experience (usually an emotional state) that we feel utterly deprived of and desperate to experience. But that we believe we cannot have or create directly. We are fixated on that desire subconsciously and thus fixated on that fetish. And yes, this applies even to the really weird fetishes.
I’ll give you an example. There is a fetish called maiesiophelia, which is a sexual fetish for the birth cycle that includes conception, pregnancy and birth. People with this fetish usually have a fixation on one or two all of these parts of the process. I was working with a woman whose fetish centered around birth specifically. When we got down to exactly what she was fixated on during her sexual fantasizing, it was how the man in the situation completely recognized her pain and was completely unconditionally present with it, comforting her through it.
When we got deep into her childhood we found out that she was being abused badly as a child by someone outside the family and the most painful part of that abuse was that her mother and father did not see it. Not only could they not see the abuse itself, they refused to really accept and acknowledge her pain that was the result of it. When she was unhappy and hurting, they minimized it, invalidated it, shamed her for it and withdrew from her.
When she was young, she watched a program on the television on birth and when she saw the image of a husband supporting his wife through the process of labor, she felt what she had always wanted. She was desperate for that exact reaction from her attachment figures in response to her pain. All of this was unconscious and took place as the somatic sensation of what she’s always wanted as opposed to the mental understanding about this being what she’s always wanted and why. As a result the idea was that the way to get that need satisfied was to actually give birth, because she had such a strong belief that to get that desire met in any way outside that scenario was impossible. So, she thought about it every time she masturbated and eventually it became a full-blown fetish. Unconsciously, by fixating sexually and through orgasm on that experience, she was trying to manifest it into reality desperately.
And this is the reality behind all fetishes no matter how conventional or extreme they may be. Keep in mind that if I take two people with the same fetish, the one fetish may actually be a way of achieving different desires for each person. However, there are some common trends. I’ll list some of them.
Many men whose fetish is blowjobs usually are missing the experience of feeling like the center of undivided attention; adored and special enough to have someone simply give to them with no hope of getting anything from them. They usually grew up in families where their attachment figures were absorbed in themselves and their own drama or self centered interests and to whom they felt like an invisible accessory. A blowjob brings them the closest they can come, because of their belief that they cannot get that any other way, to creating that somatic state which they are so desperate for.
Many people (especially boys) who experience a foot fetish, experienced situations when they were babies at the age where they were lying or crawling on the floor where they desperately wanted the pleasure of closeness and one on one connection/undivided attention from their moms, especially busy moms who had lots of things going on at once, like a busy household where there wasn’t much time for one on one. And the closest they could get to that ecstasy of one on one absorption, was their feet. Either watching her walk around the room or chasing after her crawling as she walked or having her tickle them with her feet as she walked by. As a result, they believe they cannot get that in day-to-day life with a woman but the closest they can get, is feet. Feet become the symbol of that feeling experience they desperately want of the pleasure of one on one absorption, intimacy and connection.
Many people who love being abused during sex show a trend towards having pasts where they had to be in control, responsible in situations where they didn’t want to be or were not ready to be. And be strong even when they felt like collapsing under pressure. Many had parents who would not stand for anything that they perceived as weakness and who either punished weakness with withdrawal, invalidation or shaming. The result is a person who is created to withstand tons of pressure. Control and responsibility are an immense pressure. By being abused during sex, they get to lose control and with that sense of control. The weight of responsibility comes off their shoulders and is assumed by the dominant partner. They can let go completely. They can feel the relief of weakness in a way that will not leave them alone for being that way because it is what the dominant partner wants. A sexual fetish around being abused is their attempt to manifest being able to let go of pressure, responsibility and control and still be loved by someone in that state instead of abandoned, shamed or invalidated for it.
Many people who love abusing or subjugating others during sex show a trend towards pasts where to the exact opposite, they were chronically put in positions of complete and utter powerlessness. Situations where they felt no control and their weakness was exploited. This is why it is so common for especially men with this fetish to come from childhoods with a chronically physically abusive parent and an enabler parent who did not protect them. By abusing during sex they get to feel the relief and safety of a sense of control, personal power and sovereignty where other people’s experience gets to be in their hands instead of the other way around. They believe they cannot have this experience in daily life and so, they fixate on this sexual experience in a subconscious attempt to manifest this experience into their lives.
Let’s dare to go even darker. Suspending the concept of right or wrong and simply looking at this concept of fetishes hiding a desperate desire that a person does not feel like they can create in day to day life, take a look at necrophilia. A fetish involving sex with a corpse. Many times, these people experience extreme poor self-esteem. Many times, this sets in as a result of a severe loss. As a result, they often experienced extreme trauma around the experience of being rejected and or being pushed away and having someone they want not give themselves to them. By having sex with a dead body, it is impossible for them to be resisted or pushed away. In their minds, the person (who is in fact dead) cannot refuse, resist, reject, push them away or refuse to give themselves to them. And many times, this rejection trauma involves the perception or the actuality that someone has died. Thus some necrophiliacs actually fantasize reviving the dead body through sex. This type of necrophiliac does not believe it is possible to have what they really want, which is to fully have (the opposite of lose) someone who will not ever reject them, and who will instead completely draw them close with no resistance whatsoever.
For the sake of your own awareness, take a look at your own sexual trends and if they go so far as fetishes, look at those fetishes through the lens of what feeling experience you are desperate to manifest in your day-to-day life, but feel incapable of manifesting. What hidden cry is lurking underneath your fetish?
The reality that most of us do not want to accept is that it doesn’t matter whether we judge fetishes as criminal or right or wrong or functional or dysfunctional, the truth of the matter is that under each one is a desired feeling experience. But that due to a person’s life experience they feel utterly powerless yet utterly desperate to manifest. And we can only call ourselves conscious when we figure out what that desired experience is. We can only call ourselves compassionate when we understand, see, feel and hear that hidden cry for what is really wanted underneath each fetish.
Chances are if you are reading this article, you have already committed yourself to the path of awakening and awareness. And nothing is more important on the path of awareness than self-awareness. He who sees himself clearly, sees the world clearly because each is a mirror for the other. But as you know, there are some barriers to self-awareness. Today, I’m going to talk to you about one of them. I’m going to talk to you about the coping mechanism of deflection.
WHAT IS DEFLECTION?
To deflect something is to cause that thing to change direction by interposing something. This turns it off of its straight course in another direction, even back in the original direction it came from. The best way to imagine this is to think of animation that involves laser beams. If one character shoots a laser beam at another character and he picks up his shield, the laser beam is deflected off in another direction, or ricochets back towards the one who shot it. This may be a good defense tactic when it comes to laser beams. But what if the “something” that is being sent in your direction is a plea or a piece of information that you have to take very seriously. Or even an opportunity for you to see yourself clearly.
As it applies to our conversation today, deflection is when something someone communicates causes someone to feel triggered and as a result, instead of taking it in, they either ignore, deny or turn away from it. Or worse, turn it back towards the other person. This is done to avoid painful memories and painful emotions and painful thoughts, but it also prevents the person from being self-aware. Deflection is different from projection which when a person cannot accept a quality or aspect of their own personality because it is incompatible with their self-concept, so they project it out of their awareness on to another person. The angry person recognizing anger in others, but thinking they are peaceful for example. However, once people learned about projection, it became a super common deflection technique. And it goes like this: In order to deflect something that someone tells you about yourself which triggers you, simply tell them they are projecting.
Before I continue, I must say that people, whose default defense mechanism and coping mechanism is denial, use deflection as a mechanism of denial. For this reason, I want you to watch my video on YouTube titled: Denial (And How to Get Out Of Denial).
Deflection is a defense mechanism that is designed to preserve self-concept. It is a form of projection when it is used to deflect blame. Essentially, when the fault is in fact with us, we project the blame and fault onto someone else. We feel we cannot take responsibility or blame for something and feel positive about ourselves at the same time. We are unwilling to feel guilt or shame. Our kids exhibit this behavior sometimes. For example, they spill something and blame it on the cup. In adulthood deflection can become much more insidious. Such as the abusive husband who blames the wife for provoking him by not having dinner ready on time despite what she promised.
Here are some other examples: A person who says things to hurt someone and when they defend themselves, blames it on the person being too sensitive. A person whose behavior leads to a group intervention and then says everyone has turned him into the enemy. A person who is told they are being manipulative and says “it is just you projecting”. A man who gets criticized for something he did and who thinks “she’s just on her period.” It’s the person who is destroying a relationship and says, “It always takes two”. It’s the friend who does something hurtful and says “she’s just triggered because of her own childhood”. It’s the guru that fails to help someone and says it’s because they are too unconscious still or are too attached to their pain. It’s the partner who does abusive things and when their partner gets angry at them, says they are in an abusive relationship because of the other partner’s anger. A person who causes emotional distress in another person and who drives them to a psychologist to figure out what is wrong with them. And the list goes on and on.
What you can see in all of these scenarios is that feedback from the world that would challenge the person’s positive self-concept is not allowed to sink into the consciousness, instead it is deflected. If this is a common defense mechanism that someone uses, people around them will begin to feel like it is literally impossible to get through to them or to get them to own and stop doing something that they are doing which is painful.
DEFLECTION AS CHILDHOOD TRAUMA
There is a common childhood pattern that involves deflection, which has the potential to destroy families and even lives. In this pattern, a parent is not able to parent their child in a way that soothes the child’s distress. When the child becomes unhappy with the parent, the parent cannot deal with their feelings of inadequacy. Their inability to feel and own up to the shame they feel, makes it so that they deflect that shame back onto the child. The child in this family then becomes the family scapegoat. The deflection technique that is used in this scenario is that the parent decides that the reason the child is unhappy with them is because something is wrong with the child. The parent then goes on a mission to try to figure out what is wrong with this child and to fix this child. The parent now assumes the role of the benevolent rescuer of this child, trying so selflessly to find out what is wrong with the child and fixing it instead of realizing that their own behavior and style of relating to the child is what is wrong with the child.
The child is literally locked in a paralysis of emotional abuse because they are in fact being gas lighted. Gas lighting is convincing someone that what they perceive is not what they perceive. What they feel, they don’t feel. What they saw, they didn’t see. It is a complete invalidation of a person’s reality to hide what someone is actually doing. The parent first hurts the child with their behavior and when the child becomes upset, the parent deflects that blame on something being wrong with the child inherently and then flips into the loving rescuer trying to solve whatever is wrong with the child. They tell the child they are doing this because they love them. So the child is now mentally and emotionally destroyed in confusion. The very person who hurt them is now the person saying they love them and because of that will help them to solve whatever is wrong with them.
To create a physical analogy to represent this emotional injury, imagine that you break someone’s leg. But you can’t admit that you broke their leg because you can’t feel like a good person and accept that. So, as they are writhing around on the ground in pain and yelling, you say “Wow, your anger is really abusive and abusive relationships aren’t ok for me, but something must be really wrong with you because there is no reason for you to be writhing around on the floor right now and yelling after all, it’s such a beautiful day outside and I give so much to you. I love you so much that I’m going to be the better person and I’m going to stop what I was doing here and what I wanted to do today to go find a doctor for you to figure out what is wrong with you so that you can enjoy this beautiful day and work on your anger problem so we can be in a wonderful relationship and enjoy this wonderful day together.”
The child grows up with the deeply imbedded concept that something is wrong with them and usually struggle with self-abusive and suicidal tendencies. They find their way into abusive relationships over the course of their lives in which insidious mind games are played where someone does something harmful to them and says they are in fact doing something good to them. Their adult relationships follow this same pattern. They find partners who do the same thing to them as their parent did. And because they usually reach adulthood with several diagnoses, deflecting is easily done.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT DEFLECTION
So, it is obvious that deflection is a dangerous thing for our relationships as well as for our own awakening and path of self-awareness. Now, what do we do about it?
We have to recognize the shame and guilt that we feel in order to not deflect. We deflect to save our self-concept. In order to awaken, we have to be able to see both sides of the coin about ourselves. Both our darkness and our light. For the person who deflects, this means in order to stop deflecting, we have to be willing to feel and see ourselves as not a good person in the circumstance we are in. We could engage all day long in a debate over good person vs. bad person and that there is no such thing. But the reality is that because we have already judged certain things as bad, we must be willing to see ourselves in this light and feel the feelings of shame in order to stop deflecting.
Once we have allowed ourselves to feel the shame, we need to realize that down deep, shame is the core of our self-concept. We cannot admit to guilt because it causes this deep wound of shame to be triggered. All of our attempts to deflect are designed to shield the fact that underneath that shield, shame already exists in us. Then, I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Overcome Shame.
Deflection is a coping mechanism. For this reason, watch my YouTube video titled: How To Let Go Of A Coping Mechanism and use the advice given in this video on deflecting specifically.
The opposite of deflection is reflection. Hopefully, you can reflect and accept to see yourself as not the good guy in this situation. But if you can’t, for the sake of other people around you, you can go through the backdoor of this pattern by feeding your positive self-concept by accepting your negative aspects. Just decide that the person who is the best person is the one who really owns their badness. So, when you feel the tension of defense in any given situation, use the power of your own ego’s desire to see you as a good person (and a good person owns their flaws) to in fact look for what you did wrong or what you did to hurt the other person.
We need to start facing our unpleasant emotions. The unwillingness to feel negative emotion is at the heart of our coping mechanisms. But pain is captivating because it is meant to be. It calls your awareness squarely to the place that is in pain. If we feel pain, our attention needs to go to that place. The pain is an indicator that we need to become aware of something that is there. Instead of deflecting or going into denial or eating or distracting ourselves, we need to go inward, towards the pain. In order to develop a method for doing this, I encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Heal The Emotional Body.
Be willing to ask yourself WHY from a place where you are willing to see and wanting to specifically explore painful truths about yourself in each circumstance. Painful truths about how you actually feel about what you are actually doing about why people are actually acting towards you the way that they are acting and about what you actually want and don’t want and about why are you really doing the things that you are doing. Down deep underneath deflection is an unwillingness to really be authentic with yourself and with others.
Look at the most painful areas of your life, especially the relationship that is causing you the most pain. Look at the multiple excuses you have for why the other person is the reason that the situation is like it is. And ask yourself, what would be so bad if none of these explanations were true? What painful truth am I the most terrified to admit to if this situation is like it is because of me instead of them?
Once you accept the painful truth about yourself, you have come out of denial and so you now have something REAL to work with in order to create change with people and to do things differently. So, when you are ready, communicate your new understanding and create repair to the relationships around you in this way.
The reality is that if someone in a relationship is deflecting, there can be no repair to the relationship once rupture is created because it is impossible to create repair when someone is unable to see themselves enough to see what they are doing enough to change it and is instead making it about there being something inherently wrong with other person. This is often the real reason that relationships with parents never get resolved. We have a common societal saying relative to relationships and it goes like this: “It takes two” or the blame is always 50/50. This is the idea that it takes two people to make a relationship work and two to destroy it. This is actually not true, due to the nature of a connection. If takes two people to make a relationship work because if one person doesn’t want the connection or nurture it, there can be no relationship. But if one person doesn’t want the connection or doesn’t nurture it, they can create a rupture regardless of hat the other person does or does not do. That is one reason why being in relationships is so powerfully vulnerable and interdependent. And the bottom line is, there is nothing more painful in life than un-repaired relationship rupture. So dare to reflect instead of to deflect.
As you know I am a leader in the field of spirituality, health and wellness. For this very reason, what I am about to say may shock you. And I am asking you to let it shock you. Let it shock you awake. Let it shake your reality because the reality that you have created, may just be built on shaky foundations.
The reality that we need to look around and see and accept is that most spiritual practice (and this includes health and wellness practice) is nothing more than one giant coping mechanism.
What does it mean to cope? It means to deal with something difficult. What is a coping mechanism? A coping mechanism is an adaptation we make that enables us to deal with a difficult environmental stress that we feel we cannot change or eliminate. The adaptation we make causes us to feel like we have control over the way we feel and behave.
We react to stressors mentally in the form of a thought (like “I can’t handle this”). This then converts into an emotion (like panic). This causes us to have a physical response (like our heart racing and a sensation of unbearable constriction). This then converts into a behavior (like drinking alcohol or running out the door). Coping mechanisms are strategies that interfere with any part of this flow chart of reactivity.
Looking at that definition it is easy to see that you could go left or right with a coping mechanism. You could create one that benefits you and people around you and you could create one that harms you and the people around you. We all grasp this concept because looking at that definition; we can see that drowning yourself in alcohol is a coping mechanism that many people use to deal with the distress of their jobs. Just go to a city like London any time after dark to see how much this coping mechanism is put to use. It is easy to see that this coping mechanism harms not only the drinker, but often the people around the drinker. We can also see that using a coping mechanism, like changing the meaning you have added to a painful experience that is out of your control can potentially greatly benefit the person who is in pain and also the people around them.
But what if the coping mechanism that you thought were benefitting you and the people around you was not actually doing that? What if it was actually a detriment to you and a detriment to the people around you, including the world itself and you just didn’t see it? What I am about to propose is that the spiritual, health and wellness field is littered and full to the brim with these kinds of coping mechanisms and beliefs that feed these coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms that you think benefit you, but that are a detriment to you and to other people and to the world. The spiritual, health and wellness field is also littered with coping mechanisms that should be used in one situation or in response to one stressor but that should be avoided at all costs in another situation or in response to another stressor.
The coping mechanisms that are detrimental always backfire eventually. They may work to alleviate pain in the short term but they create either worse pain in the long run. Or simply create a different kind of pain. Many of them function like a pain medication. They stop us from feeling pain. But we have to ask ourselves, is this always the best course of action? Sometimes if you use a strategy to numb the pain of a current situation, you stay in a detrimental situation. You just don’t feel it anymore.
We can generalize that there are 8 main types of coping mechanisms.
Avoidance mechanisms, which help you to avoid the stress.
Attack mechanisms, which deflect the stress and pain we feel onto other people instead.
Behavioral Mechanisms, which change what we do in response to the stress.
Adaptive Mechanisms, which offer constructive help for the distress.
Cognitive Mechanisms, which change what we think in a situation where we are faced with distress.
Defense Mechanisms, which enable us to defend ourselves against the perceived stressor.
Self Harm Mechanisms, which hurt ourselves to try to sedate or resolve the distress.
Conversion Mechanisms, where our emotional and psychological distress manifests as physical symptoms that act as a communication strategy.
The point of this episode is not to go into detail about the endless list of coping mechanisms that can fit into each category of coping mechanism. The point is get you to see how nearly all of the spiritual tools you have learned, including the ones that I, myself have given you, are in fact nothing more than coping mechanisms. Let that scare you a little bit.
Be brave enough to take a look at your favorite spiritual practices; the tools that you, yourself use to cope with distress. Can you see if they fit into one of these categories of coping mechanisms or not?
I am not suggesting that all of these tools are bad and should be discarded because they are coping mechanisms. I am suggesting two things:
That by definition, a coping mechanism is an adaptation that we make to something distressing to us that we think we cannot change. Therefore, if something we are doing is a coping mechanism, we must consider that we may just be adapting to something that shouldn’t be adapted to, but that should in fact be changed.
That many of the coping mechanisms you think benefit you and the people around you, and the world at large, may just be doing the opposite and you just don’t see it from your current perspective.
I am asking you to develop genuine consciousness by taking each one of the spiritual beliefs and spiritual practices you have and asking yourself with an attitude of curious philosophical exploration: How could this potentially be a detriment to me and to those around me and to the world at large? What could be the shadow side of this belief or practice? If you need help with this, take each one and compare it to a full list of specific coping mechanisms (you should be able to find these kinds of lists online by doing a basic search in any online search engine) And it will be easier to see the potential detriment that exists.
For example, one of the common spiritual beliefs that people hold that is assumed to be good for everyone is: It is all perfect, everything is happening in accordance with a divine plan. Clearly, suspending the idea that this belief is either true or not true, you can see this is a cognitive coping mechanism. Now think about the harm this belief could do to someone. They could take no action in the face of atrocity when action is absolutely necessary. They could sit back and watch as a world goes to war and tragedy occurs, letting other people suffer alone as they sit in a space of approval of it. This could be a form of denial, which is in fact a well-studied coping mechanism. Now think abut the harm this could do to other people. Imagine a woman whose child has just been crushed to death in an automobile accident. Imagine how she will feel if you tell her that it is all-perfect, everything is happening in accordance with a divine plan. Now, she is completely isolated in her pain. On top of that, you are telling her that there is no good reason for her to be in pain; in fact her pain is only caused by her ignorance of the divine plan. Guess what, we have a word for this. It is called emotional abuse.
In order to become fully conscious and to make the right choice of spiritual tool to use or to give to other people at a given time, we have to see the shadow side of all of our spiritual tools. We have to see the shadow side of spirituality in and of itself. And yes, this time it is the Atheists that saw it clearly. Most people on this earth find their way to spirituality specifically because they are in distress. Spirituality becomes their way to deal with the distress. So what did the Atheists see that we need to see? They saw that the shadow side of spirituality is that it is one giant coping mechanism. A sedative and a painkiller for the masses. Think about how dangerous that could be. Think about how that could in fact be the exact opposite of conscious.
So often people think they are becoming conscious and awakening, when in fact they are just developing stronger and stronger coping mechanisms. Stronger and stronger coping mechanisms that will backfire one day or that currently harm themselves and the world around them. You can relate to this by imagining that someone thinks they are healing when in fact, they have just managed to hook themselves up to a morphine drip. What if the coping mechanism you think is positive is actually negative? What if the spiritual belief or practice you hold to feeds unconsciousness instead of consciousness?
The reality is that we want to be the one who copes with the world the best. These are the gurus and spiritual teachers and the people that we exalt the most. We want to get out of the stress and the pain. So we glorify and worship and idolize and hold ourselves up against the standard of these people who, unlike us, seem to not be in distress within the world at all. But be careful, he who copes with the world the best is often the one who will do the very least to change it. Instead, he will often do the very most to teach everyone else how to cope with it.
If your spiritual practice is something you use to cope with distress, that isn’t wrong. It also doesn’t make spirituality wrong. And provided that you genuinely cannot change a situation that is causing you distress (which believe me is often a matter of perspective), there are coping mechanisms that will in fact benefit you and the world around you. But stay open to the idea that what benefits you today, may be a detriment to you tomorrow. Be open to the idea that what sets you free today, may imprison you tomorrow. Be open to the idea that what you think benefits you and the people around you, may actually harm both you and the people around you. Be open to the idea that these beliefs and practices that we think benefit us, but that actually harm us, may be some of the most sacredly revered and widely held spiritual beliefs in existence.
In a previous episode I said that the dream that will not die in those who have an inclusive consciousness, those who have had a secondary awakening, is the dream of creating a world that people do not have to cope with. And after all, if we are the creators of our reality, there is no good reason to argue that it is better to cope with the world as it is, than it is to change the world itself into something that doesn’t have to be coped with.
A person sits under a tree. They decide to meet the truth of themselves and by doing so, meet the truth of the universe at large. They come face to face with their own ego. Their consciousness pierces through their unconsciousness. Eventually, we call them enlightened. The first enlightenment is an individual enlightenment. The Buddha may have been awakened, and yet the reality is that in the very next town, there was still a man who lived at the mercy of his ego. And next to him, another man, and next to him another man.
This proves to be a conundrum for the Buddha. It proves to be a conundrum because one of the universal truths that he has awoken to during his enlightenment is that ALL IS ONE. And so, he sees that as long as there is a single being in this universe that is not in a state of enlightened awakeness, he cannot be fully enlightened and fully awake. At this point, his own enlightenment is dependent upon awakening the world and his path becomes the path of the teacher. He uses the people who are not awake to reflect to him the aspects within himself that are not awake. He teaches people to become awake so that united consciousness can become enlightened in its totality. This is the secondary enlightenment. The awakening to the fact that individual enlightenment is not true enlightenment, only collective enlightenment is true enlightenment.
The problem with teaching from an enlightened perspective is that it is a perspective that is inaccessible to most people who are not in that transcendental perspective. Just think about parents losing a child and a guru coming in and saying “there is no death” or “everything is perfect”. Instead of that creating awakening, it is going to enhance the opposite. It is going to cause pain. It enhances the distance between the two perspectives instead of closes the gap between the two perspectives.
Essentially, after a person has experienced a first enlightenment but before the person has experienced a secondary enlightenment, the perspective of the enlightened being can become a kind of narcissistic bubble. It can be a reality that only they, themselves inhabit. A perspective only they, themselves can access. A perspective that makes other people feel alone, not good enough, like they are failing, lowly, and stuck alone in pain that they should be able to get out of, but can’t. For the teacher to teach, he or she cannot teach from a narcissistic bubble. He or she cannot teach from a frequency and perspective that is too far beyond the personal perspective and frequency that the person they are teaching holds.
This doesn’t just apply to enlightened teachers, this applies to everyone on earth. To grasp this, I am going to have to topple a pillar of spiritual principal for you today. I’m going to have to pop a spiritual bubble.
Most all spirituality is nothing more than a giant coping mechanism. This should scare you because the ego itself is literally in and of itself a coping mechanism. This means, most spiritual practice in fact ends up fueling the ego, instead of our essence.
At face value, all spiritual teachers call for change. They call for the change from unloving to loving. The change from imprisoned to free. But most spiritual teachers, teach you how to cope with the world. The self-help and the spiritual field is littered with this pollution called “coping”. I am no exception to this rule. Much of what I teach you is coping techniques. These tools are useful. They are helpful. They can be life changing. But there is something beyond them. There is something better than coping.
It is a universal truth that if you shift what is within, what is without will change in perfect alignment with it. And I am expected (in accordance with these higher dimensional truths) to look at you and say that there is nothing wrong with this world. But I have one observation and one question after observing this world. The observation is that everything we eat, every action we take, every decision we make, every relationship we get into, every retreat people attend is done so that we can feel better. Every minute of our lives is spent clambering to feel better. The question is where are we and what kind of world is this that we have created if every action we take is an action to try to feel better in it? What kind of world have we created if we have to teach our children how to cope with it?
The dream that will not die in the person who has had a secondary enlightenment, is the dream of changing the world into something that people don’t have to cope with.
One of the pillars of spiritual practice in the world today is the pillar of positive focus. It is a coping strategy that works. We know that this is a law of attraction based universe. In a law of attraction based universe, what you focus upon, you get more of. If you are negatively focused, you get more negative. So, to have a life that feels good, you simply take control over your focus and focus positively. This creates your reality. It creates your reality into what you want it to be regardless of others around you.
But what happens then? What happens then is that you create a narcissistic bubble for yourself. You are in a state of positivity. Your life may be going wonderfully. But you could be living in a world with people who are living in hell. Those people may be your friends or family even. Why do you care? If you’re feeling good, why do you care if other people are unhappy? After all, the only reason you care is if seeing them unhappy, makes you feel unhappy. So you want them to feel good so you can be happy. This way of going about your life is only possible if you have not yet awoken to the reality of oneness. It is only possible with an ego that is running your life.
Now what if you looked at this situation through the lens of oneness? If there is a person in the world who is feeling joy, that is you feeling joy. And also, if there is a person in this world who is suffering, that is you suffering. You cannot be in a little individual bubble of joy while they are suffering without creating a fracture or a split in yourself. You cannot be in a bubble of suffering while others are in joy, without creating a fracture of a split in yourself. So, you have just damaged yourself by doing this.
For the sake of this episode, I am going to address the people who have cut themselves off into a positive bubble. I’m going to address their strategy because this is what many spiritual methodologies advocate for. People who have cut themselves off into a positive bubble reality can tell they are damaging themselves by doing this because of the way it hurts other people when they bring their happy bubble into other people’s realities, which are realities of pain. If you’re this person, you have created a clash of realities, where each person is alone in their reality. But it doesn’t matter to you, because you are the one who feels good. I should say, you will feel good up until the point that your happy bubble makes people feel not heard and not seen and not felt enough and therefore alone enough that they will leave you because of how much better it is to be completely alone than alone in the physical company of someone else.
There is a terrible story about a group that was in the practice of this positive focus so as to create a narcissistic bubble reality. They were all collected together and during the break, one of them fell down and couldn’t get up. For nearly five minutes, no one went over to help the man get up because none of them wanted to include injury and falling in their reality and attract the same thing into their life. Their humanity was lost, as was their connection to each other, as was their awareness of oneness in that moment. And all of that was a result of their practice.
There is a belief that being in a purely positive, feel good perspective draws people to you. But this is not always true. If people are feeling negative, it splits you apart. It repels you. It makes you not a vibrational match to them. It creates the opposite of integration.
So my question (which goes beyond the first enlightenment) is: To create your own happy individual reality through your focus (which you can do), is that so good to do? Or are you missing that everyone is you? If everyone is you, does it do any good to leave everyone outside of your own bubble of pleasure so that your single embodiment can feel good?
If you accept that everyone is you, your own happiness and joy and also expansion from that point forward, must accommodate other people. The narcissistic happy bubble reality can no longer feel good to you. And it is at this point that you are being called to integrate polarities.
Awareness and true consciousness is about being able to hold space for polarities. Many primitive spiritual practices encourage you to make space for only one polarity in your embodiment. People who walk the path of positive focus to create your own reality do not often use this practice as a tool in specific circumstances. Instead, they use the tool for the totality of their life. They polarize themselves. They lose access to awareness and therefore awakening because their perspective can no longer accommodate negative. Enlightenment is not possible from this perspective.
Positive focus can be a brilliant tool and it can be a dangerous tool. It is especially dangerous if it disallows us to accommodate, see, hear, feel, and understand other people’s reality. In this respect, it can be just as dangerous as negative focus. It prevents us from accessing eachother. It prevents us from connection. It prevents us from actualizing oneness in this world and therefore collective enlightenment.
Polarizing one’s self is in fact a state of denial. It is a state of denial because to go into one polarity, you have to deny the opposite polarity. You have to deny negative to focus solely positively. You need to deny positive to focus solely negative. And to be clear, the point of spiritual evolution is conscious awareness. For conscious awareness to exist, we need to accommodate both polarities. We need to accommodate other people’s realities.
This excluding of polarities goes further than just negative and positive. It applies to all polarities, including spiritual truths. Many spiritual people believe that ONLY the higher dimensional realities are real. For example, the spiritual truth that there is no birth and no death. The only reality is that we are eternal. This is true beyond the physical dimension. But it is also true in the physical dimension that we DO die. Both polarities are true. Death exists and it also doesn’t exist. We can get into the habit of going into denial because we are unwilling to acknowledge lower dimensional truths. We have no space in our immature consciousness for opposing truths to both be true. We deny one to make space for the other instead of making space within our consciousness for both.
The other day, I went to see a beautiful garden of waterfalls. I was next to a group of 8 people who were staring at a colossal waterfall from a platform. They were in awe at the beauty and wonder of the waterfall. I was standing there in horror and pain because I was staring at the body of a dog that someone had thrown off of the waterfall. It was floating in an eddy below the waterfall. The other eight people were oblivious to the body of the dog. They could not include it into their awareness. They were as oblivious to the horror of the dog as I was oblivious to the beauty of the waterfall.
Our experiences and perceptions of the scene were completely different and non-accommodating of one another’s reality. We were polarized. Because they were feeling good, they were oblivious to the pain and isolation of being in a different reality. Pain calls for presence, but no one could be present with the pain because they could not see the pain. It was outside the scope of the reality they were willing to see. And the beauty of the waterfall was outside the scope of the reality that I was willing to see. Awareness and consciousness, a state of enlightenedness would have been for all of us to see, feel and accommodate both the beauty of the waterfall and the horror of the dog. All would be included. Awakened consciousness is an inclusive perspective instead of an exclusive perspective. United consciousness would be united instead of split in this way.
It is at this point that I will say that in order to increase a state of inclusive consciousness, I strongly encourage you to watch my video on YouTube titled: And Consciousness (The Modern Day Replacement For The Middle Way).
A sad fact is that if you are polarized, you will attract people of the opposite polarity to you, as a mirror of that which you are excluding from your awareness. This will make you feel more alone. If you are absorbed in negative, you will attract people who are absorbed in positive. If you are absorbed in positive, you will attract people who are absorbed in negative. And the flip side of this is that we also polarize each other out of our realities this way. If someone in our lives is in pain and all we will see is pleasure, we cannot see them. We polarize ourselves into a state where even if we are in the same room, we are in different realities.
Hearing this example of the dog and the waterfall, can you see which way you are polarized? Which truth you cannot accommodate? If you were hyper focused on the dog and could not accommodate the beauty of the waterfall into your perspective, positive focus will bring you further into conscious awareness. If you were hyper focused on the waterfall and could not accommodate the horror of the dog, recognizing and letting yourself feel negative will bring you further into conscious awareness. We must learn to be inclusive to the greater whole to achieve a state of integration in ourselves and in the world. And it is only when we come into that inclusive consciousness, where we have appreciation of the totality, that we can be inspired to right action.
An inclusive consciousness, a consciousness that accommodates all polarities and all people and all perspectives, leads us to the awareness that often coping with things isn’t a virtue. Often it is just denial or coping with things that shouldn’t be coped with. Sometimes it’s just not taking action that needs to be taken. Sometimes what is really called for is to accept that something is there and to change it.
Once your consciousness can accommodate polarities, let the new question be, Should it be coped with? If so, use a spiritual tool that helps you to cope with it. If not, change it.
If you condition yourself to create an individual bubble reality for yourself and not see or feel what doesn’t feel good or look good, you will not actualize conscious awakeness. You will also not create any world change, which is a big portion of why we all came here to begin with. Part of why we came here is to bring eachother, and therefore the world itself, into a state of expansion… Because in a universe that is all one, the world in fact IS us.
You can think of yourself as an essence that projects itself forth into an idea. That idea is the idea of a person. With enough focus on that idea of a person, a person manifests in the physical dimension. You then call that person me or I. You think that is who you really are. You forget the essence behind your persona because you become so heavily identified with the persona. But that persona, when it meets with trauma in the world, copes by dividing into fragments. So the essence is now feeding several different personas. This means you are not a singularity. You are a multiplicity. In a previous episode, for the sake of creating an analogy, I explained that you can think of the skin of your body as being like a container. I asked you to imagine that inside that main container are smaller containers. Each container holds a persona inside it. A persona with its own personality, beliefs, fears, traumas, preferences, wants and needs. We can call each little container person a part.
I explained that when these parts become triggered, they come out of their containers and tend to ‘take over’ our body. It is then we mistake their perceptions and beliefs and fears and traumas and wants and needs for ALL of who we are. We identify with it completely.
Ultimately, the path of awakening is to remember the essence beyond our persona. Then to use the essence as our new platform from which to integrate the fractured personas so that we are living in a state of unity with ourselves. To do that, we have to become acutely aware of these parts within ourselves. We need to work with them from the outside. It is at this point that seeing certain parts of you as just a part of you or as separate from who you really are, is critical.
Right now, using the container analogy, I want you to imagine that one of the larger containers in you is ‘pain self’. This container contains anything of ‘yours’ that is painful. It contains all of the personas within you that are in pain. It contains all of the painful memories, fears, all of the painful thoughts, all of the painful beliefs, all of the painful emotions, all of the pain in your embodiment.
Your discomfort with yourself is entirely about this part within you. All of your coping mechanisms are designed to prevent you from being close to this part of you. They are designed to keep the lid closed on this container so it can be kept as far away from you as possible. This part of you, the pain self, you see as an enemy.
We do not realize until all of our attempts to feel better fail, that we see our pain itself as our abuser. When we feel pain, we think the pain we feel is trying to hurt us and so we are desperate to escape it and to be rescued from it by others. If we have gone through a lot of pain and accumulated a lot of it, this container becomes so large that there comes a point where it feels much, much larger than the rest of us. We feel like a victim to the pain we feel.
We spend our entire life, every single minute, trying to get out of our pain and trying to get rid of it. Just take a look at your life objectively and see how much of it is lived to escape or avoid pain. The self-help industry and indeed most of spirituality itself is dedicated to nothing more than this. And even when spiritual teachers like myself come along and teach you to instead be unconditionally present with your pain, the truth is, you are only ‘unconditionally with it’ so it will go away… Which adds to the pain. It’s like saying to a crying child, “I know you want me to be with you, but I hate being with you so much that I’m being here with you right now so you’ll stop crying and I can go do something else”.
Most of us get into relationships in order to use the other person as an antidote to the pain self. At first, it works. And then there comes a day when the other person will inevitably cause us to feel pain. It is at this point that we start to crumble. We feel duped. The thing we thought would help us to escape the pain, is adding to it. We cannot forgive them for adding to the pain any more than we can forgive them for not rescuing us from it. If our pain self is large enough, we actually start to experience bystander trauma relative to our partners.
Bystander trauma is torment experienced as a result of what was not done to protect us. Experts in trauma will tell you that when someone is being abused, the most pain they feel isn’t towards the abuser himself or herself, but towards those who stood by and did nothing to protect them. It is an incredible betrayal. When we enter into relationships with the unconscious expectation that someone will rescue us from our pain and they do not, we experience betrayal and bystander trauma relative to them because we feel as if they have forsaken us by leaving us alone to fend for ourselves against our internal abuser… our own pain self.
We have made pain wrong and bad. Because of this, we want to disconnect from it, suppress it, deny it, disown it and get away from it. On that note, I strongly encourage you to watch my video on You Tube titled: The Meaning Of Pain.
Dis identification from these parts within us, including the larger container called the pain self, must not be done in order to cut them off from ourselves. It must be done in order to pull these parts closer with love and meet their needs and help them to create harmony and unity together. As it applies to the pain self, we need to help it, love it and stop adding pain to it.
So, how do we help the pain self?
1. Next time you are in pain in any way, close your eyes and remind yourself that the pain self has been touched by something that just occurred. Sort of like bumping a very sore bruise. That feeling of pain is your call to recognize the pain self. With your eyes closed try to see or sense or feel the totality of your pain as one large part or self (like a multiple personality) within you.
2. Your essence as well as every other part within you is in a relationship with this pain self. So, imagining that you are in a relationship with it, can you feel into what this pain self wants? Can you feel into what it needs? Can you talk to it mentally? Can it talk back to you? Use your intuition to assist this pain self as if it were a person you were in an intimate relationship with, who lives inside of your body instead of externally.
3. Meet its needs on a daily basis. If its needs directly oppose the needs of any other part within you, find a way to meet both parts’ needs in a harmonious way. If you feel pain, imagine this pain self is trying to cry for something, just like a baby does when it needs something. Tune in with loving care to discover what it wants and give that to the pain self, mentally, verbally or through actual action. This is where nuance comes into play. For example, the pain self may need positive thoughts. We can positively focus to escape the pain self. Conversely, we may also use positive focus to help the pain self to feel better.
4. Realize that thoughts come from everywhere. They are not necessarily even projected from you. It is as if your mind is a net that simply perceives all of them and your body translates them into emotion. When the pain self is activated (like a sore bruise being pushed on) it turns on like a light bulb and begins to attract thoughts of like frequency to itself. The pain self is tormented by these painful thoughts. So one of the best things you can do on behalf of your pain self is to interfere in the link between the thought process and the pain self. Practically, this means, imagine stepping back and watching the thoughts as they arise and the emotions they cause in your body as they arise. They may arise as an image, a word, a sound, a voice. Watch them without touching or becoming involved with them. Don’t go into them. Do this like you were simply watching them pop up out of the quantum field on the screen of your mind. Practice this every day for a time in meditation. Then, gradually practice this when you are not in meditation, when you are on a walk or being driven somewhere or talking with friends for example. It may help to name the thoughts as they arise, as if you were narrating them. You will notice which ones have gravity and try to suck you into them. You will notice which ones fizzle out. As you watch them and consciously feel the emotion they cause in the body, your consciousness is not directly feeding them, instead, it is transmuting the pain into consciousness.
All things done out of love for the pain self from this point forward, must be done for and on behalf of the pain self, not in opposition to the pain self. It is the opposition to the pain self that guarantees suffering. It is the opposition to the pain self that fuels illusion instead of enlightenment.
When we feel pain, it calls our attention and focus to whatever is in need of presence. This is the real reason why suffering has been the main doorway to enlightenment for so many thousands of years. The presence of your consciousness transforms suffering into awakening. Pain alerts us to where we are out of alignment. It is a crucial aspect of healing. It alerts us to the aspects of ourselves that need to be brought back into alignment and integrated so that we can become whole.
I want you to think of your skin as being like a container. Imagine that inside that container is smaller containers. Some people have more of these containers inside them than others. Each container holds a person inside it. Each person has its on personality, beliefs, fears, traumas, preferences, wants and needs. Each one has its own ego. So you are not a singularity. You, like all people are in fact a multitude. We can call each little container person a part. These parts are in various stages of growth and development. People are not born this way. These parts are created through trauma. A person fragments themselves to cope with with the world.
We allow certain ones out of their containers so they can act through our body and interact with people in our world. Every time these parts come out of their containers and ‘take over’ our body, we mistake the perceptions and beliefs and fears and traumas and wants and needs for ALL of who we are. We identify with it.
For thousands of years, the standard practice within humanity was to dis-identify from the parts that are unacceptable and identify with the parts that are acceptable. A guru is a person who has decided to identify with only one part of himself or herself. He or she allows only that ego to exist. Only that part gets to come out of its container. A guru is a person who has decided to identify with only one part of himself or herself. He or she feeds only that Ego. So, for example, imagine a guru decides that the most acceptable part of himself (his concept of enlightened) is a person who is never angry, who instantly forgives, who has no worldly needs, who is in a state of pure positive focus. Any time anger rises within him or a worldly need or a negative thought, he will deny, reject, suppress and disown the part that is feeling that anger or need or negative thought. He will jump into the persona of the guru that he has created and at first, he will deny those things and lie to himself and others that the way the guru self feels is entirely how he feels. He will not honor the truth or reality of any other part within him. He will do this until he literally looses awareness of any other part of him. He will mistake the guru part for all of who he is to the exclusion of all other parts within him.
This is their discipline. This is the discipline of self-abandonment because like it or not, these parts they deny, are also them. Their Ego is their “concept of who an enlightened being is”. They cannot admit to anything within them that is not that. All has to be explained under that identity. It is the strongest attachment you can imagine. This is not integration. This is selective identification. This is quite dangerous because this is how a guru can have sex with little kids and explain it away in their own minds as ‘spiritually healing the children’ for example. To put it mildly, it is the strongest attachment you can imagine.
This is not integration. This is selective identification.
The rest of the egos within them starve to death, they are not just suppressed, they are literally denied to the point that they are imprisoned in a dungeon and the guru throws away the key. The Guru has no conscious access to them after that point. The guru becomes one dimensional because of it. And the outside world begins to reflect that. From the outside, you will not understand why the outer reality can be so cruel to a person who is so kind. For example, many people, including gurus that cut themselves off from the unacceptable parts of themselves have made the child parts within them unacceptable. After all, children do not control their emotions and a Guru cannot be a guru if they are out of control of their emotions. And so, you will see their own actual children in life become lost to them. They may die, be separated from them by spouses, be born with deformities and handicaps, refuse to see them and the list goes on and on. All of which is an outer reflection of the way the person’s own inner children (parts) have been cut off and lost to them. In my previous 12 incarnations, I was the selectively identified guru. I cannot tell you the damage that I did not only to myself, but also to others because of it. What I did not get then is that the parts, which are the ‘egos’ within, ALL of them, must be brought closer in order to actually become one, unified self.
I have been teaching authenticity. But let’s go deeper into the concept of authenticity. Your authentic self is not any one of these parts. It is ALL of them and so it is also NONE of them at once. Authenticity is the enabling the ‘spectrum of selves’ to decide together on an essence… a unity. This IS integration. So why don’t people do this already? Because it is infinitely harder to integrate a persona that is in pain than it is to banish that person into a container and into a dungeon. It is much harder to integrate a persona that is in pain than it is to selectively dis-identify into a persona that feels no pain.
The old school guru is a selectively identified person. And so, the next step in the evolution of human consciousness was dis-identification. Teachers have come and they have taught this discipline. But in that discipline there is no self. In that discipline, one takes himself or herself out of the game of life. And so, the universe has called human consciousness even further. The universe want to see embodied, united selfhood, the conscious game of life. Disidentification serves immensely. But it serves so far as to realize that oneself is a multitude and to act as a facilitator to bring these parts together. Disidentification must not be used as a tool for selective identification.
It is really difficult to practice integration in a world that believes that goodness and rightness and healing and virtue is achieved by selective identification.
When you commit to this process and you judge yourself as bad, that something is wrong with you and that you are not right and when you want to give up, it is because you are thinking that other people especially gurus and teachers who are selectively identified are integrated. So you are expecting yourself to integrate fast enough to ‘be where other selectively identified people are’ in terms of happiness and forgiveness and all the qualities of the old guru archetype. This is also what those around you are expecting of you. This expectation is the one that is doing the most damage to you.
Imagine a car wreck where limbs are shattered. If you cut off the limb (what a selectively identified person does), a person can heal… they are handicapped to a degree, but the pain they are in ends much quicker. We are asking of you to heal these shattered limbs so you can be whole, not to cut the limbs off. But it means that the process of FEELING BETTER is slower.
The truth is that these selves within, when integrated will merge as one… and in doing so, so will we. It is what was meant when thousands of years ago humanity conceptualized of there being the father (adult) the son (inner child) and the holy ghost (higher self). All will become one. The secret is that seeds of each are contained in the other. So for example, by cutting oneself off from the inner child, one cannot fully access the higher self. One can only act in a way where according to an identity, they SEEM like they have reached the state of the higher self.
And so, today I am here to tell you that the age of selective identification is over. The age of integration, which is genuine authenticity has come. The age where these personalities are consciously helped to MERGE into one essence… the divine singularity. Which is what the universe’s ultimate plan for embodiment actually is.
Most of the fatal dynamics in relationships involve negative tailspins. These are dynamics where a pattern in the first partner causes a pattern in the second partner which exacerbates the pattern of the first partner, which exacerbates the pattern in the second partner and so on and so forth until the relationship in and of itself disintegrates.
There is a common tailspin that occurs in partnerships. You see it occur most often between women and men. However it is a pattern that can occur in same sex partnerships as well. For the sake of this video, I am going to use the most common example of this dynamic, which involves a woman and a man.
To begin with, a man is interested in a woman. He goes into ‘pursuit mode’. He essentially becomes the embodiment of his best self and highest potential. He is super attuned to the woman he wants to secure as a mate. He is goal oriented. The woman is his new end goal and so she becomes his number one priority. He is focused and attentive to her need and wants. He is connected and gives her undivided attention and presence and simply wants to BE with her.
The woman feels as if she has found her soul mate. She has the connection she has always wanted. She feels like she has a partner. And so she commits 100% to the man. She is now attached. When the man feels that commitment, he pulls what is called a bait and switch.
The man has achieved his goal. He has actualized his conquest. It is at this point that he relaxes. He stops his pursuit. He goes back to just being himself and focusing on the next goal and now expects the woman to love him for who he really is. But that is not who she fell for. So there is a withdrawal of his attentive focused energy, which at first was coming towards her and towards connection. And seemingly overnight, he turns back into who he really is when pursuing her is not a goal, which sometimes entails exhibiting the exact opposite personality traits that he demonstrated during the pursuit phase.
I must mention that another potential for a bait and switch on behalf of the man is that the feeling of her committing is actually threatening to him. He now becomes terrified of intimacy. Intimacy in this sense means deep mental and emotional connection, not physical sex. A person can still have sex physically without being intimate. For the man, this fear of intimacy can happen for several reasons. For example, he may fear the closeness of intimacy because he fears that he is going to lose her. Or he may fear the closeness of intimacy because he fears that she is going to become engulfed in the relationship and by the woman and lose himself or of being controlled.
Either way, the man diverts his attention to other things. The man stops the ‘game’ of securing his mate. Now his attention goes somewhere else… Towards his other needs in life. He wants to keep her but seeing as how she is no longer the end goal, he wants to keep her by doing things that do not require that focus of pursuit or deep, intimate connection. He focuses on providing other things for her. In a typical modern male female relationship, this is money. All his attention goes towards things that he believes she needs that do not threaten him or distract him from his new goals. He is no longer attentive to her actual needs and wants. He is no longer seeing her, feeling her, understanding her or connecting with her.
Slowly, she begins to feel duped. She feels like the man she committed to is not the man she is now with. She begins to starve emotionally. She is lonely. She cannot beg him for attention because by begging him for attention, she doesn’t get what she wants, which is to be with a man who wants to be with her. She does not want to feel like he is giving her attention for her sake. Just imagine a man coming onto a woman from the beginning that way. Hey baby, I can’t focus on what I really want to be focused on unless you get off my case, so I’ll focus on you totally for your sake, so you can get off my case and I can focus on what I really want to focus on. That man wouldn’t get a single date. Because of this, she becomes resentful of the man and that resentment makes her angry towards him ALL the time.
This anger and resentment that he feels coming from her towards him makes him start to withdraw. He does not recognize the fact that he pulled a bait and switch. He does not realize that he got her to commit to him by exhibiting totally different behaviors towards her than he is exhibiting now. Essentially, he sold himself as something other than what he actually is. He does not understand that he is giving her no presence, no real intimacy, no connection. He thinks that being on the computer in the same room is being with her or that working on making money is working for her. So he interprets the things he DOES while being disconnected from her as being connected to her. There is always a higher priority in his life than just being with her. And so he feels like he is doing everything he can to try to make her happy and it’s never enough. It isn’t enough because it isn’t what she is actually asking for. What she is asking for is a non-doing. It is a being present with her, like she had with him in the beginning when all he wanted was to be with her.
Because of this, he feels powerless to make her happy. This decreases his self-esteem. He retreats so he can feel good. And now, the couple enters a tailspin. This makes the already depleted and desperate woman even more desperate, needy and unhappy and angry, which makes him retreat and close off to her more, which makes him even less connected and therefore less attuned to her, so he continually demonstrates through his actions that he does not see her, feel her or understand her. This makes her lose trust in him because if he is not connected enough with her to see her and feel her and understand her, he stops acting in her best interests. This in turn makes her more desperate, needy and unhappy, which makes him retreat and close off to her more. Which makes her more desperate, needy and unhappy. Which makes him retreat and close off to her more. Which makes her more desperate, needy and unhappy, and this tailspin goes on until the relationship is beyond repair and it dissolves.
The only way to pull a couple out of this tailspin is by adding back the thing that was withdrawn during the bait and switch… INTIMACY. The man and the woman need time (I recommend four hours a day, every single day) where they STOP doing things that have to be done and just connect completely with each other. See into each other, feel into each other, understand each other, give each other undivided attention. Learn everything they can learn about each other on that specific day.
People are in a constant state of flux. Each person is like a universe that you could never fully explore in a lifetime. There is always more to see and feel and learn and know about a person. In relationships we tend to get lazy and think we know each other after months or years. This is a complete illusion, especially given that emotions and experiences and thoughts belonging to a person fluctuate every single day. This couple is only allowed to DO something together, like hiking or a project or sex IF they remain in a state of emotional and mental and physical connection while they are doing the task.
If the concept of doing something while remaining in connection confuses you, think back to when you were first dating each other. If you did an activity, like watching a movie or playing billiards or going to a party, you stayed connected to them the entire time. You didn’t spend your time with them outside on the phone with someone else. You didn’t spend your time engulfed in the movie; you followed the story line while watching her watch the movie and feeling her next to you. You didn’t spend dinner thinking about something that needed to be done at work. You were 100% with her. She was your #1 priority.
If the man struggles with presence to the degree that he is severely goal oriented, he needs to make a different end goal that involves the woman, a goal that he can’t ever fully achieve or a goal that is renewed every day. Another way of approaching this is that you need to make the hunt of securing a woman something you do even after she commits. And as a couple, you need to begin the art of connecting with each other. If you want to learn about how to connect with someone, watch my video on YouTube titled: How To Connect With Someone.
In a committed relationship that is close and intimate, the things that have to be done (including new goals) have to go in a “box or a container” mentally. Scheduling is sometimes the best way to create this container. Do this so that doing does not contaminate the ‘relationship time’. But the minute this becomes a chore or something that needs to be done begrudgingly is the minute you’ve lost connection in the relationship and you need to address why you do not want to connect with your partner.
If I had my way, the dating game would not occur. Women and men would not act any differently towards one another in the beginning than they would once the relationship was fully established. Or the dating behaviors would continue throughout the entire relationship. We really need to begin relationships as we intend to continue. But nothing is more important to continue than focused and undecided attention, attunement and presence… To simply BE with your partner.
As I’ve explained in previous videos, at the most basic level, your body is made up of energy. That energy organizes itself into the physical body. But before that energy organizes itself into physical body parts, it organizes itself into meridians and chakras. These chakras are centers of energy that lie along energy channels and each one holds a very specific vibration and has a specific purpose. Each chakra is a specific expression of Prana (otherwise known as life force or source energy). The chakras look a bit like funnels of energy or vortices. They both absorb and emit energy.
When a chakra is out of alignment, meaning it is not letting life force in or is out of alignment for any number of reasons, it starts to affect your equilibrium. It becomes a serious imbalance within the system. When chakras are out of alignment, they appear small and do not absorb or emit much energy. They also change in their color, patterning, texture and sound.
The traditional name for the throat chakra is Vishuddha. The center of this chakra corresponds directly to the hallow in the base of your throat, where your collarbones almost meet. These chakras do not correspond to your front, but also the back of your body. If you take your hand behind your neck, and bend your head backwards, the center of your throat chakra on the backside of your body is higher up on your neck, right where your neck indents when you bend your head backwards. The throat chakra is the chakra of purity. It is also the center of purification. This is why so many of the physical systems that it is associated with, deal with toxicity in the body. It is the chakra that governs the lymph system. It also governs the throat, pituitary, thyroid, parathyroid, ears, nose, jaw, neck (cervical spine), mouth, tongue and shoulders. When the throat chakra is out of alignment, you will see problems develop in these aspects of the body. On an emotional level, you may feel social anxiety, like you’ve lost faith, shyness, ashamed, toxic or poisoned, desperate, like you are drowning or choking. You may feel inhibited, like you cannot express yourself, like you are not inspired to create, paralyzed, terrified to speak, like you are bursting from the inside out, like a pressure cooker, like you are holding back.
The throat chakra is associated with the color blue. It is considered the fifth main chakra in the human system and it is associated with the element called Ether. For those of you who are science fiction nerds and The Fifth Element, you now know some meaning behind the concept of Leeloo. In the movie, she was the embodiment of Ether, the fifth element. Why? Because Ether, like the throat chakra which is associated with it, is about purity and truth. Purity and truth are like twins vibrationally. They both involve the removal of contaminates.
The throat chakra is about the discovery of your individual purity and your individual truth and then the expression of that truth and purity which you find. For the throat chakra to be in a state of health, you must not only accept but own your originality and speak your truth according to that originality. The throat chakra governs the seeking and sharing of truth. It relies on inspiration. It is also the chakra that governs listening, communication, personal integrity and personal honor.
What causes the throat chakra to go out of alignment? First and foremost, not thinking or speaking or taking action that reflects your authentic inner truth. Second, others not seeing or acknowledging your personal truth and treating it as valid. This especially includes not being listened to and not being heard. Complaining and gossiping causes the throat chakra to go out of alignment because in complaining, one recognizes that it is unhappy about something, but takes no direct action to create improvement. Contradiction and negative thinking, especially doubt is a strong antagonist for the throat chakra. Doing things because you have to instead of because you want to is as well. If you do something which is dishonest or in contradiction to your conscience, your throat chakra will reflect that immediately. Negativity, especially in the form of negative thinking especially pulls the throat chakra out of alignment. This is because negativity is like toxicity. If it is pervasive enough, the body cannot filter that toxicity in order to purify itself.
Knowing all that, here is what you can do to open your throat chakra and bring it into alignment:
1. First, you need to become aware of what is preventing the chakra from being in alignment. If there were not something preventing it from being healthy, it naturally would be. So close your eyes and get clear about how you are out of alignment with your personal authenticity, purity, truth or integrity. You can do this by asking questions and seeing what answers arise. Ask yourself, what is poisoning me? How am I poisoning myself? What is keeping me from being able to be myself? Why can’t I speak? Who isn’t hearing me? What am I not hearing? What would be scary about knowing or hearing or admitting to the truth? What would be scary about being original? What is preventing me from communicating? How am I not speaking and acting in accordance with my personal integrity and conscience? Why am I not feeling inspired to create?
2. Do an intuitive exercise to understand the state of your throat chakra. To do this, close your eyes and try to sense or see or feel the throat chakra. If you cannot, feel or see or sense your throat itself. Imagine that it was its own separate being living within you. What color do you perceive it to have? Does it have any texture? Do you see any images associated with it? Begin to question it to understand what you are seeing. What does it tell you? What can you do to improve its current state? For example, I may see a dark cave that is frozen. That may tell me that I feel emptiness there. I may then ask myself mentally, what is this cave empty of? Or what does this cave represent? I may then imagine offering it something that I feel it needs. Like I may imagine sitting myself down inside it and giving it my company. I may see it melting ever so slowly by shining light on its walls.
3. The throat charka is the chakra most related to sound. For this reason, sound healing is particularly capable of opening the throat chakra. Sing! Sing along to songs, sing in the shower, chant, listen to throat chakra singing bowls and frequency music, tone, hum. Ham and Hum are the sounds that activates the throat chakra. Typically Ham for higher chakra areas like jaw and mouth and Hum for lower chakra areas like the lower throat and larynx and shoulders. Close your eyes and play around with the pitch of that sound and take it up and down until you find the note or multiple notes that causes you to feel the most relief in that center. Sometimes, good old fashioned screaming, even if it is into a pillow, is what is needed to unblock this chakra.
4. Incorporate the color blue into your life. Wear things that are this color, paint walls in your house this color, do art with this color, close your eyes and imagine flooding your entire body with this color.
5. Do yoga poses which open the throat chakra. In my opinion, some of the best are as simple neck rolls, seated cat cow and fish pose. Also, try breathing techniques in association with these poses my favorite are the alternate nostril breathing technique, the ujjayi pranayama breath and lion’s breath.
6. Use stones that correspond to the throat chakra. Rather ironically, most of them are blue. In my opinion, the best stones for opening the throat chakra are, Turquoise, Blue Lace Agate, Danburite, Sodalite, Blue Topaz, Aqua Aura, Apatite, Amazonite, Celestite, Aqua Marine, Lapis, Azurite, Kyanite and Chrysocolla. This being said, deliberately letting yourself choose a stone according to what intuitively calls out to you when you set the intention of choosing a mineral to assist your throat chakra, is always more powerful than walking into a shop and buying one of these stones because I told you this type of stone in general was good.
7. Use plant beings to assist in the opening of your throat chakra. This can be in the form of teas, sachets, incense, essential oils or any other form you want to use them in. In my opinion, the plants that are the very best for opening the throat chakra are: Eucalyptus, Coriander, Fenugreek, Borage, Peppermint, Red clover, Lemon Balm, Betony (also known as bishopswort) Onion, Ipheion uniflorum, Lobelia, Elder (especially the berries of this plant), Echinacea and Frankincense. Herbs associated with the planet mercury are also good for the throat chakra.
8. As far as Numerology is concerned, 16 is the number associated with the throat chakra, so incorporate this number into your life as well. For example, if you are using essential oils, use 16 drops of that essential oil.
9. Speak. The action associated with the opening of the throat chakra is speaking. So, speak in an in-alignment way. Once you know what truth you want to speak, you may fall too far to one side of the spectrum. Either you do not express yourself, or your feeling of not being heard makes you forcefully express yourself in a way that makes people shut off to you. Say what you’ve been keeping in. Or change they way in which you are communicating so it is conscious communication. If need be, bring in a mediator who can help you express your truth. Before you say what you are going to say, practice conscious communication by asking yourself, is what I am about to say the truth? Then ask yourself, is it necessary to say this thing and if so, why? And then ask yourself, is what I’m about to say hurtful or harmful? If the answer is yes, ask yourself, what are you hoping to cause by saying this thing that is hurtful? That desired response represents a want or need within you. Then you can express that hurtful truth in a way that is more compassionate or instead, express the truthful need you are trying to have met by saying that hurtful thing. If you struggle with criticism, watch my video on YouTube titled: Criticism (How to Give and Take Feedback).
10. Yawn and laugh. Both of these actions unblock the throat chakra. Watch a funny movie; spend time with a funny friend. Practice forced or induced yawning.
11. Journaling, Journaling and more journaling. Expressing your inner truth, whether it is verbal or non-verbal is a sure way to unblock your throat chakra.
12. Positive expression or positive writing exercises. Negative thought and negative speech is the principal poison that affects the throat chakra. So, make a discipline of writing down lists of positives. Anything big or small. Practice speaking positives through compliments or expressing positive appraisal of things in your environment. If you feel a resistance to this exercise, it most likely means you do not feel like your pain is being seen. Your personal truth may be that you’re in A LOT of pain and you need people to know it, acknowledge it, see it and help you with it. So try to be upfront about that truth directly instead of being negative in the hope that someone will eventually “get it”.
13. Change your life by purifying your social group in order to surround yourself with people who are willing and able to hear you, see you, understand you and see your inner truth as important and valid, even if they have a different perspective. If people around you refuse to do this, they are not actually friends. They are in a relationship with an idea. You are like a character in their reality, not a unique being with your own reality.
14. Silence. This may sound counterintuitive but often, in order to purify the inner voice from the chatter that can exist within, one has to enter a period of total silence, where their attention goes inside either through meditation or commitment to a day of silence or better yet, a silent retreat.
15. Fasting and detoxing. The throat chakra, being about purity, is especially receptive to fasting and detoxes. So, let yourself be drawn to any fasting or detox program that specifically makes you feel like it would help you get in touch with your inner truth and commit to it.
16. I must mention that there are people whose throat chakras are out of alignment for a glaring reason, such as a woman who was raised in conservative religious society who never bothered to find herself, who just did what was expected by becoming an oppressed housewife. It is easy to see why this kind of person could be completely out of alignment with their personal truth and unable to express it. But for people who feel like they actually are living authentically but who still chronically find that their throat chakra is out of alignment. Consider that most people walking the planet are not whole, they are fragmented into inner selves. Some struggle with this fragmentation more than others according to the trauma that they experienced. At the near end of the spectrum are people who struggle with indecision and lack of internal peace. At the far end of the spectrum of fragmentation are people with multiple personalities or dissociative identity disorder. The reason the throat chakra is often the weakest chakra for some people is because many of these selves that have fragmented from the united self, carry contradictory truths and contradictory needs. So one cannot think or speak or act in accordance with one inner self without acting in direct opposition to another inner self. For this reason, I recommend finding a voice dialogue therapist in your area and beginning the work of integrating the selves within you. You wont even be able to settle on a personal truth to be in alignment with until you do this.
By intentionally opening your throat chakra, you are opening yourself up to a life that is the direct and pure reflection of your inner truth; an inner truth that you can communicate to the world.
Resentment is one of the strongest hooks that anchors a person to the past. The thing is, it is even stronger if it is ignored. It has to be directly faced and resolved. Resentment is a state of being in pain as a result of perceiving that you have been treated wrongly, unfairly and unjustly. It usually involves not feeling willing or able to accept someone or something that you reject. I call it a state of being because it is not an emotion in and of itself; instead it is like a soup of different emotions all associated with being treated unfairly. Emotions like dumfounded, fear, anger, disgust and sadness.
One of the main challenges as far as resentment is concerned is that it immediately converts itself to distrust. If you want to learn all about trust, watch my video on YouTube titled: What is Trust and How To Build Trust in Relationships. Trust is essentially the feeling that you can rely on someone to capitalize on and care for your best interests. So obviously when you feel like you have been treated unfairly and unjustly and wrongly by someone, you have learned that you cannot rely on that person to capitalize on and care for your best interests. And so, you do not trust them. This bitter distrust is usually what people are feeling in someone when they say that someone can’t let go of resentment.
You will find that it is easier to let go of something painful in the past that does not have a big negative impact on the present or the future. The thing about resentment is that it often involves being treated unfairly in a way that does have big negative impact on the present and future. For example, if your husband or wife spends all the money in your account on gambling, that may mean that you lose your house in the present and that you cannot afford to put your kid through college in the future. Even if these kind of big consequences don’t exist, distrust still exists when resentment is present. This means you will feel closed off and like an enemy to that person in your life now and you will expect them to betray you again in the future.
Fair vs. unfair and wrong vs. right is a subjective perspective. However for the sake of our understanding, there are circumstances where a person has felt like they are treated unfairly when in fact they were treated fairly. And there are circumstances where a person perceives themselves to have been treated unfairly when in fact they were treated unfairly. Either way, the state of being called resentment is present.
It is tempting to think that the struggle with resentment is all about whatever recent conflict has occurred. But the reality about resentment is that it is almost always fueled by years worth of earlier experiences with being treated unfairly, not being considered by others, being disregarded and having your boundaries violated.
We can’t be fully conscious about resentment without being conscious about the subconscious positive intention below it. It is a refusal to forgive. Letting go or forgiving gives most people the feeling that they simultaneously have to let go of the unmet need to be treated fairly and justly in a way that creates trust. And so, in order to honor their need to have just and fair treatment, they will not forgive. Resentment essentially can be like a wall that a person uses to protect themselves and try to get their needs met. A person may keep resentment as both a boundary and a personal reminder as if to say “No one will ever do this to me again”. Also, the sense of self, also called the ego can feel a sense of itself being right and good when it is in he victim role (good and right) with someone else being in the perpetrator role (bad and wrong). Often, especially in close relationships, being the one who was wronged puts the other person in a role where they have to “make it up to you”. This is a less powerless role with more of a guarantee of fair treatment going forward. So, it can be a way of using past wrong treatment as leverage to get what you want from someone and/or to stay safe. If you distrust someone because they treated you unfairly, it is quite tempting to control them through guilt in this way.
So, what should you do to help resentment to let go of you?
1. When you feel resentment, become super clear about what you feel resentful about. What happened to you that you felt was wrong, unjust and unfair? Then go deeper and ask yourself, what long history of unresolved unfairness and wrongness is behind this resentment? What did people do to me that they shouldn’t have done and what didn’t people do for me that they should have done? Am I confusing this person or situation with someone or something from my past?
2. Ask yourself honestly; am I really resentful towards myself because of my role in the situation where I ended up being treated unfairly? For example, perhaps I got raped after drinking too much and blacking out. Perhaps the resentment towards the other person is a way to avoid the resentment I have towards myself for drinking so much that I let my guard down enough that it happened and now, I cannot trust myself. You will find that resentment and the blame that goes along with it feels better than self blame and better than being blamed by them. Sometimes, we can only let go of resentment towards others if we let go of it towards ourself.
3. Get really clear about what aspects of your life your resentment is effecting. See the impact of the resentment itself. And close your eyes to imagine the long term effects down the road if that resentment was not altered, but stayed the same and got worse? For example, if I resent my spouse, I can see that I have no desire to make love with them and so we may drift apart and he or she or I may seek another partner.
4. Acceptance is a key part of letting go of resentment because if resentment is present, it means you cannot accept something. Don’t confuse acceptance of something with adopting something as your preference or endorsing it. Take a look at the situation that is causing you to feel resentful and ask yourself, what am I unwilling to accept about this situation? Why am I unwilling to accept that? If I accepted that, what would it mean or what bad thing would happen? The thing you have to see is that if you resent, you are pushing hard against something on a mental and emotional and even potentially physical level and you cannot push against something without putting that same pressure on yourself. Try to hit a door without your hand being hit too. The question to ask yourself is: Is it worth it?
5. Ask yourself honestly, what bad thing am I afraid would happen if I were to forgive the person I feel resentment towards today or if I forgave myself for my role in the situation? For example, perhaps my answer might be, if I forgive him or her, I make what they did to me ok and it isn’t ok. Or if I forgive him or her, they will not get how much they hurt me, so they will do it to me again. Or if I forgive him or her, I’m being like a human punching bag or doormat, which is pathetic. Or if I forgive him or her, I’ll never receive the justice and fair treatment I need.
6. Resolve the emotional resentment wound in the distant past that is fueling the present resentment. To do this, use the completion process on the feeling of resentment as it occurs in your body. For information about how to do that, read my book titled The Completion Process. You will find that this process also naturally causes insight about action steps you can take to how to resolve the more recent wounds leading to resentment.
7. Deal with your powerlessness and rumination differently. If you feel resentment, you are preoccupied with thinking about the causes and consequences of your distress instead of focusing on solutions to it. This is your being’s natural way of trying to draw focus to the wound that is not healed. But the decision to look for solutions to the distress and solutions for how to make the present or future different in a positive way, turns your focus in a different direction, a direction that will lead to results. It may help to look at the worst case scenario relative to the negative consequence you are imagining and figure out what you learned from what happened and how you can deal with the worst case scenario if it happens so you no longer fear being blindsided by it and powerless to it.
If you struggle with resentment, the reality is that whatever situation you have been experiencing that is unfair, caused you to feel powerless and so you are vacillating. When you look at the situation and at your life, you are looking at it from a perspective that you are powerless. Then, you pull yourself into anger, which is the vibrational improvement upon anger in order to try to gain back some power and get out of terror. But then you slip back into viewing the world in a powerless way. What could you do relative to this situation that would make you feel less powerless to others?
When we feel resentment, it is an indication that an aspect of us feels like a victim. That aspect needs to be acknowledged and cared for and validated. But you will find that looking for any way that you were responsible in the situation and taking that responsibility and taking it into your hands to learn that lesson and do differently in the future has an interesting side effect… You will no longer feel powerless to the other person. Just avoid slipping into self blame if you do this because self blame is worse than blaming someone else.
8. Take the scenario where you feel you were treated unfairly and make yourself think of all the positive things you can think of about the scenario and about the experience. Find approval for it. People who do not suffer from past traumas are the ones who manage to see them as a benefit to themselves instead of a detriment. As hard as it may sound, do not take this as an invalidation of the pain. Simply do this practice for the sake of your own desire to feel better personally. Earlier I explained that resentment means you are unwilling to accept something that you do not want and do not like. The best and most aggressive way to accept something is to find approval for that thing. This causes us to no longer reject that thing. Involve others in this process if you want. Have them brainstorm what is GOOD about the situation that is causing you to feel resentment. Let them help you to find approval for it. Focus towards it in a way where you can agree with it instead of disagree with it. Part of this process should involve looking at how the situation could have been worse than it was. This helps you to actually naturally develop acceptance for what occurred. And make this more about a commitment to your own wellbeing rather than anything else.
9. Meaning is the basis of suffering. When we are treated unfairly, we add negative meaning to the experience. That meaning is painful. It causes us to suffer. So, become aware of the negative meaning you have added to the experience if you feel resentment. For example, if the unfair experience I had was that someone cheated on me, I may have made that mean that he or she didn’t love me. That belief is causing me to suffer. To understand this dynamic in depth, watch my video titled: Meaning, The Self Destruct Button. When we add meaning, we always take things personally. So on top of discovering the meaning you’ve added to the experience, try to figure out how the unfairness and injustice shown to you is NOT personal. It may be about what is going on with the other person more so than it was ever about you.
10. Resentment is often synonymous with lack of expression of painful emotions and truths. When something happens that upsets you that you don’t feel is fair, but you don’t want the potential consequences of confronting that person on the spot with your real feelings, those feelings become internalized and unresolved and therefore convert themselves into resentment. Take a look at what you did not express in this situation that you feel resentful about. What’s the truth you did not share? Take an even deeper look at WHY you did not express those things. For example, you may have been terrified of rejection or fearful of losing the connection or you may have felt like it wasn’t going to make any difference if you did.
11. Take a serious look at your expectations and communicate them. If we feel resentment, without fail it means that someone or something didn’t meet our expectations. So get clear on what you expected as well as what you currently expect and express those things. To understand more about expectations and assumptions, watch my video on YouTube titled: Priceless Love Advice (Expectations and Assumptions).
12. If you feel resentment, it means things are not how you want them to be. You have already subconsciously decided that something SHOULD be that isn’t or SHOULDN’T be that is. You could question the attachment to should and shouldn’t in this situation. The work of Byron Katie is amazing for this kind of approach. You could also realize that because of this, this situation has made you aware of what you don’t want and what you do want specifically. So, as if you are choosing to put energy into what you do want instead of into ‘what is’ that you don’t want, so you can look towards that, communicate that, spend time visualizing that, take steps to get that.
Resentment kills relationships. But it is not a monster or an enemy. Instead, it is just the natural byproduct of lack of resolution. Focus directly on the resolution and the byproducts of non-resolution, including resentment, will cease to exist.