To be completely honest with you, most of us are still operating from an oversimplified, primitive mentality regarding the Universe that we live in. Part of this primitive mentality is that we expect the Universe at large (or that which many people call Source or God) to be all knowing and able to control everything that happens; as if all of us were just chess pieces being played in the name of some greater plan that has already been decided upon.
If you think about it, the relationship we have with the universe is rather like the relationship we have with our parents when we are three. And growing up to find out that the truth of our parents is different is scary for many reasons. The same can be said about finding out that the truth of the Universe is different than we thought.
When we imagine that the universe can control everything that happens or doesn’t happen, we imagine that if the Universe loved us and wanted the best for us, it would sense our desires and simply make them happen for us. And that similar to our parents, if it doesn’t, it means that we have displeased the Universe and are being punished in some way.
Essentially for the sake of today’s conversation, I need you to recognize in yourself the expectation that if you have experienced something unwanted and therefore, you have a desire for the opposite experience, the Universe can and will bring that opposite, wanted experience to you. This is especially true for things we, ourselves feel powerless to bringing about. For example, if you have experienced people betraying you, you may think that the Universe can and should simply bring people to you who will never betray you. Or if you experienced failure, the universe can and should bring you success. Or if you experienced being taken for granted, the Universe can and should bring you a life where instead, you are deeply valued and appreciated.
Because of this expectation, we become very upset when instead of finding ourselves in the opposite, wanted experience, we find ourselves in yet another repeat of the painful, unwanted experience. And guess what? Each and every one of us will find ourself in repeat situations. This is especially painful when those situations were unwanted in the first place and therefore, we desire to never experience them again. This happens because of the nature of the law of mirroring, which is one of the principal laws governing this time-space reality that we call life, and also due to the nature of expansion.
This is not happening because you are bad and wrong and are therefore being punished. It’s not happening because this Universe (What so many call God or Source) could make something different happen, but simply isn’t for some reason. It is happening because you are a fragment of the Universe and that means, you have free will. You are a creator, whether you are a conscious creator or an unconscious creator. And if you have any way of thinking or behaving that feeds into creating the unwanted experience in any way, that way of thinking or behaving has to be changed for the unwanted experience not to happen.
It is easy to see this concept with other people. Imagine that a person wants a relationship, but they withdraw from a partner every time they get close to them. This behavior will keep feeding into the creation of the failure of their relationships. The Universe cannot control them into being intimate and close and not withdrawing. It also cannot create a relationship for them without them changing because there is no real relationship if one party in the relationship refuses intimacy. And that is not what this person really wants. What the universe can do is to be in a relationship with them. To the degree that it lends its energy (which is massive) to them getting what they want. To their expansion. This means helping them to become self-aware so as to change patterns that are not serving them so that they can align with their desires. At the same time as helping to align them with the people, places, circumstances and things that are a match to what they are wanting. Therefore, using our previous example, this person who keeps withdrawing in relationships has to recognize their own behavior and choose to change it with their own free will in order to be a match to the relationship they want.
I have said before that to heal is to experience the opposite. Therefore, it is tempting to think that the most healing thing is to simply BE in the opposite experience. But sometimes the most healing thing is to be in a repeat of the original experience, and to see a different perspective, make a different choice and/or take a different action.
When we have a pattern… a way of thinking or behaving that lends its energy to creating what we don’t want, it is likely that we will find ourselves in a repeat. A variation of the same situation all over again. And that it is not meant to re-traumatize us. Instead, it is a huge healing opportunity. And the most healing thing is to become more aware and by doing so, to change a pattern, a way of thinking or behaving that is in fact lending to the creation and therefore repeat of that very unwanted experience. And that getting to the healed state (the opposite, wanted experience) is contingent upon US changing that way of thinking or behaving. So, we could say that the way we are thinking and behaving is lending its energy to the re-creation of that unwanted experience. AND at the same time, the most healing opportunity could very well be the repeat of that experience.
So that you can understand this better, I’ll give you an example. Jane grew up in a dysfunctional family dynamic with non-religious parents in a southern Baptist community. Jane was not only made the scapegoat of her family; she was also made the scapegoat of the community. She longs to be a part of a close-knit group of people who see her goodness and take responsibility for their own insecurities. We could say that for Jane, such a group would be the healing experience. But what if I told you that it would be vibrationally impossible to bring Jane into that experience because of the way that she thinks and behaves. And what if I told you that if it was possible to simply give Jane that experience, despite the way that she thinks and behaves in relationships, that it wouldn’t be the best thing for her. There would be zero free will, conscious creation and personal empowerment in it. Therefore, Jane finds herself in a nightmarish repeat of her childhood scenario.
Jane formed a very close-knit group of friends who all decided to live together in an artist’s colony. One of the other women in the colony, Beth is very intimidated by Jane. She feels Jane is a superior artist. She hates the way that her boyfriend acts around Jane. As a result, Beth started to see Jane as a threat. Because of this, she began to triangulate the other members of the colony against Jane. It worked. It worked because one member of the Colony knew that Beth has been there in the colony longer than anyone and so, not aligning with Beth created insecurity around their living situation. It worked with another because they had a huge insecurity around sexual infidelity. This person’s own parents were torn apart by infidelity and Beth chose to triangulate against Jane by suggesting that Jane was trying to seduce her boyfriend away from her. And so on and so forth. Each member of the community had an insecurity that they did not take any personal responsibility for. Instead, they simply decided to preserve the image of their commune being wonderful, except for Jane. And soon, Jane’s character was under attack. It was a repeat of the situation in her childhood.
Without going too far into the process she went through to get there, Jane realized that her pattern that fed into the creation of becoming the scapegoat is a totally dysfunctional relationship with pressure. She realized that whenever she finds herself in a situation where someone tries to put pressure on her for something that isn’t her responsibility, she has no boundaries around it and she just takes the pressure and takes the pressure, which means taking responsibility for things that are not hers. Of course, she is a magnet for people who don’t want any responsibility for themselves or others. And once a person learns she will do this, they eventually make her responsible for everything in their life. And if she refuses to take it, she is immediately made the bad guy and the consequences of the responsibility being dropped come down on her.
For just one example, it is the responsibility of her roommate Jess to come up with her own rent. Chronically, each month, Jess is short on rent. Jess cries about it and Jane takes the pressure to make up the extra rent. The reason being that if she doesn’t, no one else will and they, not just Jess, will get in trouble with the landlord and possibly be kicked out. Jess loves to use this consequence as leverage for getting Jane to pay for her.
Jane realized that she takes pressure for others chronically because this is what was expected when she was a child and this is what it is to be a scapegoat. When the Baptist community treated her poorly, her father didn’t defend her, he made it her responsibility to try to not take it personally. When her mother made her the problem in the family so that she could avoid facing the fact that she was unhappy in the life that she had chosen and changing something, Jane actually took the pressure and tried to act in a way that pleased her mother. When they expected Jane to caretake her younger brother, Jane took that pressure and resentfully watched him as if he was her son every day after school.
Jane realized that she was in a repeat situation so, she must do something different this time than she did the first time, and that if she succeeded, it would be a healing experience. Jane decided to not take the pressure and for the first time, to put the pressure back where it belonged. So, after really deeply looking at her actions to make sure that nothing she was doing was actually something she should not be doing. As well as sorting through what actually was her responsibility and what wasn’t, she set a firm boundary with Beth. She had a conversation with her about how she has to face her insecurities relative to her own art and her own looks and her own relationship with her boyfriend. She told her that if she fears that someone can threaten the relationship, who she really distrusts, is her boyfriend. And Jane set the boundary that beyond ensuring Beth that she will never cheat with him, she would no longer be made responsible for keeping their relationship secure, that was their job.
Despite the relatively amicable nature of the talk itself, Beth was still subconsciously benefitting too much from Jane being the bad guy and not facing her insecurities, so this only escalated her tactics. Beth decided that she would threaten to move out of the community and convinced another roommate to go with her. Normally, Jane would have taken the pressure and been so intent on avoiding all the consequences of that happening that she would have taken responsibility for doing whatever it takes to make Beth de-escalate and feel good to be in the house again and to come across as good to the other roommate. Instead, she said “Ok. That’s really sad, I wish you wouldn’t go, but I can see if your insecurities are just too big to be in the house with me, then leaving might just be the best option.” Beth was flabbergasted and furious. She and the other roommate packed their stuff into a car and left that night in the middle of the night.
That same week, she also told Jess she couldn’t pay for her rent and after only one month of someone else having to pay for her so as to not get kicked out of the place, the rest of the community asked her to leave to make room for another person who would make the rent. Long story short, they couldn’t find enough artists to move in to come up with rent. But everyone agreed that it was not Jane’s fault that they didn’t take responsibility to do so. And so, all the remaining roommates got evicted from their little artist commune. The thing is, Jane felt like the consequence, which was very painful, was still worth it. She could see how unhealthy the responsibility dynamics were. And she felt better because she was not under as much pressure and could see how to avoid being a magnet for irresponsible people and how she could avoid getting into a dynamic where she would run the risk of being scapegoated again. She wasn’t stuck in a social system where she was the scapegoat anymore. She also didn’t run away from that social system only to end up the scapegoat all over again in a new one. Her new healing practice was: Only taking pressure and responsibility that was actually hers to take and outside of that, only taking pressure and responsibility that she actually wanted.
When we find ourself in repeat situations, we immediately think “this shouldn’t be happening”. And why wouldn’t we think that? It isn’t what we want. It’s the opposite of what we want. But from a more objective perspective, we haven’t gone backwards. And it is what should be happening. We have re-manifested/been put in a healing experience where the healing thing (whether we recognize it or not) is to change the thoughts, behaviors, habits and actions that make us a match to and bring about that unwanted thing in the first place. We are meant to learn what it takes to lend our energy to the creation of the opposite, wanted thing. And to employ our free will to change those detrimental patterns so that the next step is to actualize whatever it is that we are truly wanting.