Oh hold on... I realized that my autoimmune disorder is aiding in a bunch of ways. I sincerely apologize for the book but maybe this will help someone else too?!!
I came into this world extremely sensitive, shy, and naive - I trusted everyone. Even if they gave me a million reasons not to, I would give them the benefit of the doubt because I literally COULD NOT SEE anything other than POSITIVE, LOVE, LIGHT, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE and UNITY. My first experience of NEGATIVE was at church where I refused to go to children's church and stuck like glue to my parents. My head was filled with God Loves You but If You Don't Do This, God Will Destroy You/You Will Be Left Behind. To get what I wanted and needed I had to bulldoze the part of me that said THAT IS NOT TRUE! *I literally lied to my parents and my pastor and the whole congregation at 6 years old and said I had asked Jesus into my heart and went through a baptism. I knew it was not TRUE but I was so afraid - WHAT IF I AM WRONG?!!! I created this SCHEME in the shower at 6 years old! I LEARNED I could LIE and get what I NEEDED.*
But as my level of integrity shrank I started feeling WORSE AND WORSE about myself. I was a liar. I lied. I did a bad thing. I was bad. I was not worthy. I was not deserving. If only they knew the monster. By the time I got to 12 years old, had completely identified with the belief that EVERYTHING ABOUT MY EXISTENCE IS WRONG. I unintentionally opened myself up to experience a world of pain. My parents never taught me about boundaries or how to set them BECAUSE they didn't know themselves. SA - I was easy prey. NOW, I'm "used" and just a toy for men. Down the spiral. I lapsed into such a depression. I was whipping myself with Mardi Gras Beads. I wanted to disappear. Parents put me in Christian-Based CBT where I learned to distinguish the lies from the truth, that my value was pre-determined by GOD and not anything I did or did not do. I was able to resolve the toxic shame but when I finally got to the point where I could stand on my own and speak my TRUTH, it shattered almost everything my previous healing was based on. AND QUEUE THE SPIRITUAL AWAKENING!!!
I was 26 years old before I could tell my mom I AM NOT A CHRISTIAN and not be terrified that it would break her into a million pieces. I still sometimes curl up into a ball of fear, sobbing like a child, WHAT IF I AM WRONG?! I still feel inadequate. I do not measure up to humans. They are so beautiful and I am a monster. I hide because I do not want them to SEE me. Yet I want to participate so much in the beauty that they are! I have hidden for so long now. I have lived in a completely dissociated state of observance. I have lived my life vicariously through others because it was not worth the risk of betrayal to attempt to connect. It was not worth the expenditure of energy to maintain a healthy friendship. As long as I had my ONE person (MALE) that is all I cared to invest in. And so my friendships fell by the wayside.
While I love my relationship, no one can be everything to another and we need more than one human connection. I see that but am in resistance to the desire of it. I am happy observing but I know I am here for more. I know I was meant to participate but the interest is not there. I know this is a sick lens to view life through. And now I know my autoimmune disease is my body making me disappear from this earth.
My autoimmune disease is a part of me that is acting out retribution for the things I think I deserve it for. My autoimmune disease gives me an easy and unquestionable out to get AWAY from people, and stay AWAY from people when I don't feel like spending the energy to connect/get involved. My autoimmune disease allows me to work from home and not have to FACE the world and a society that I am AFRAID TO BE SEEN BY. And if Teal were across from me right now she would ask me - do you want to change this? My unequivocal answer would be no. I am happy observing and not participating. Humans are beautiful. But part of me screams YES. So now I know what to work on resolving.
Parts work with the part of me that is content in disassociation with life and the part of me that wants to be present. (psychological)
Parts work with the part of me that believes I am bad/inadequate and the part of me that knows I am good/adequate.
Parts work with the part of me that believes I don't deserve a good life, and the part of me that knows I am worthy of a good life.
Parts work with the part of me that desperately needs connection and the part of me that doesn't think it is necessary.
Parts work with the part of me that doesn't want to physically move about this plane, and the part of me that wants to be an active participant in this plane. (physicality)
Parts work with the part of me that is protecting me from being physically hurt again, and the part of me that is the victim they are protecting.
Parts work with the part of me that sees people as a threat and believes they are only capable of betrayal, and the part of me that sees the best in everyone.
THANK YOU! And thank you for reading.