I was going to do parts work (literally at this moment), but then I decided to check the ‘Let The Universe Choose Your Question’ first
 

So the ’why’ part is that I want to distract myself from any feelings (is that even possible? ).

Conflict! Because I'm terrified of it and I don't feel like I can do it safely. 

Being able to be happy for my self, that I am able to channel music like never before. Even if stupid tech errors happen in recording sessions when I play at my best, I want to acknowledge how well I played, and celebrate that.

On 11/15/2020 at 5:11 PM, _Dalia said:

I was going to do parts work (literally at this moment), but then I decided to check the ‘Let The Universe Choose Your Question’ first
 

So the ’why’ part is that I want to distract myself from any feelings (is that even possible? ).

Same here Dalia 🥲

How the hell am I suppose to know ...ahhhhhhhh!

great now that that’s out the way.... I think I’m maintaining my comfort level because if I go into my spirituality I’ll be painfully alone....? I’m actually really sad thinking about it....hits a lot of self worth issues. 
 

Maybe I’m avoiding my (what I call) internal calmness. 

I need to make YouTube videos

Social interaction, because being judged triggers me so much and I am barely capable of handling those triggers alone.

I’m avoiding checking on my health like going to my primary doctor and even switching doctors. I’ve been in a dysfunctional relationship that I just left and now I can’t avoid taking care of myself because I’m not an island on my own and I’m allowing and accepting that I was traumatized and I am successful by transcending beliefs that no longer serve me. Self Validatiing myself so I take care of my health little everyday.

Sitting with shame and guilt...

Caretake the feeling of being insignificant, unloveable and unwanted.

Defining, upholding, communicating &  maintaining boundaries.

I’m avoiding taking responsibility for myself because I don’t want to move forward in my life.
I wanna stay stagnant and feel comfortable where I am for once, because my mind is putting me through hell on a daily basis and it never gives me a break.

Sometimes I wish I was never born.

So I guess I’m avoiding healing myself as well because of this. Because I feel as if nothing matters either way, cuz who cares if person XYZ in 8 billion people even lives or not right? Who cares? Who even knows me? Who even really loves me? Not even I do. 
All I do is cry and feel sorry for myself for not being good enough, for not making it ‘happen’ like other people do. I have done nothing, nothing, in my life, to measure up to what I wish I was considered as. Yet I feel like I must be what I wish I could do. But, again, who cares … why am I alive again?

Poverty

Communication

The last question generated as I didn't like it haha

Taking care of my basic needs, taking action towards what I desire.

Why. Because I dont want to be alive in this reality and I want to escape reality. so I basically act as if I dont care. (sounds like a cicle to me:)

Im also tired and lazy, as soon as I get myself to do something I believe I want. I dont want it anymore. And than I actually dont know what I want.. And I feel akward.. and do nothing...

And Im just basically tired I dont want to do anything. I feel like the only reason I do anything is because i have to do it. I dont actually find joy in anything anymore. 

And this creates some resistence within me.

Honestly I have alot on my back and I crave relief. 

And i feel better when I do something wich causes relief, than beeing successful in something. 

But I dont like that, because I wish I was in a place where I could build something or simply enjoy myself.

I have gone through enough. 

And I guess as you see this conversation between those 2 conflicting parts is what is holding me back.

The call from the source.

Beeing present

Because I hate myself.

On 4/18/2022 at 10:01 PM, LucyMad said:

Taking care of my basic needs, taking action towards what I desire.

Why. Because I dont want to be alive in this reality and I want to escape reality. so I basically act as if I dont care. (sounds like a cicle to me:)

Im also tired and lazy, as soon as I get myself to do something I believe I want. I dont want it anymore. And than I actually dont know what I want.. And I feel akward.. and do nothing...

And Im just basically tired I dont want to do anything. I feel like the only reason I do anything is because i have to do it. I dont actually find joy in anything anymore. 

And this creates some resistence within me.

 

Honestly I have alot on my back and I crave relief. 

 

And i feel better when I do something wich causes relief, than beeing successful in something. 

But I dont like that, because I wish I was in a place where I could build something or simply enjoy myself.

 

I have gone through enough. 

And I guess as you see this conversation between those 2 conflicting parts is what is holding me back.

You are not alone!

MY OWN PERSONAL TRUTH. FUCK.

Recognition that I am in the hazy area between victim-mode to adapting to able-to-comprehend-ability. I can see that maybe I can, but that's still a dot on the horizon. 

I’m avoiding pain in relationships, avoiding connection. I’m working on my confidence but I never want to go back to loving people like I did my abusers. 
Why? Imagine realizing your a stupid girl everybody wants to take advantage of you and you basically do what Teal said “you either rebel against everything or become a person who does what anyone wants and think that’s how to get connection. Imagine doing both both extremes with nobody checking in on you. What I needed was time and a caring care giver. Now these people want to use anything against me whether it’s my beauty or love I have to give because I finally learned how to give it to myself. I love myself more now I was just in a box of needing to have a relationship with me. Everyday is so strange.

Reality! 

Because I believe if I acnowledge it, then it will come with loads of overwhelming problems. 

I’m avoiding right now of asking for help because I’m in pain at the moment. I’m avoiding on eating because I crave sugar, and I can’t stop eating it. I’m avoiding looking at work because I don’t want to. I’m avoiding on looking at it because it’s just too hard to look at and to deal with the pain that I’ve caused 100% of my problems. I’m avoiding on looking at The Completion Process and Relationship Vault because I feel like I need money and I need to stop living in a trance all the time. I’m avoiding on doing parts work and healing the emotional body because I just want to distract myself from the moment to not look at my blind spots or even to figure a way to spend time with people that’s not 100% on my phone, like I’m dying and sweating and I’m refusing to acknowledge it because I feel like there is no one I can resource without paying for it or asking for it without feeling some sort of embarrassment. I’m avoiding on talking to my friends because I feel like growing up, they’ve not really been there for me. I’m avoiding on going to Facebook because I want to be anonymous. I’m avoiding on being anonymous because I feel like that’s not who I am or want to be anymore. I’m avoiding salad because I feel like it’s unhealthy for me. I’m avoiding the past because I don’t want to deal with my unhealthy emotions. I’m avoiding on taking a shower because self-hate has won over. I’m avoiding on talking to the other loneliest girl in the world because I want to be on the other side. I’m avoiding on living because I want to be known for what on my phone. I’m avoiding on being penetrated by the sun because I don’t want to figure it out. I’m petrified.