Hayëfiyn

I think Teal might have done an episode on abortion before, and while I haven't watched it, I think Teal's stance is a matter of free will. While she will encourage people towards the direction that she believes to be best, she won't take away someone's right to choose differently, just in general. But in terms of abortion, to force someone who doesn't want a pregnancy to to go through it anyway is to force them to suffer. A child born that was never wanted will have a childhood filled with suffering. By allowing abortion there will be less suffering in the world than without it. And personally I never understood why people care so much about a foetus. Why do you care more about something that cannot live on its own than you do about the person putting their life on the line for it? Because pregnancies can cause the mother to die. Why is carrying a baby to term more important than the quality of life of the would be mother? Why is carrying a baby to term more important than the life of the mother? Actually answer those questions. Because I genuinely cannot see where you're coming from. As for the abortion vs eating meat thing: The human body isn't made to digest meat. Even if it can manage somewhat, it is not an ideal source of food for our species. Secondly, most animals spend a lifetime of suffering before being slaughtered. Abortion ends things before suffering can even begin.

The meditation was interesting. The desert was made of yellowish rock (not sand), but didn't have any loose rocks larger than what fit in the palm of my hand. Bright blue sky. Tossed a rock and saw some bugs scurry away. The most distinct feature was a dead tree. The raven landed on a branch, cawed at me, then flew down and came up to me, cawing again, as if curious. Every day is the same I've already been bothered by it, but I've done what I could to prepare for my next step (maybe I overlooked something, but I have done everything I can at the current stage to my knowledge). I'm kind of in a waiting period for the changes to manifest. I'm not putting up with this for even half a year more, much less ten years. The raven brought me back to the desert, to the exact same spot we met. Landed on the same branch of the same dead tree. I didn't know what to do from there, so the raven came down from the tree, and hopped to a spot about 3m to my right. As I followed I saw a deep pit with a lake at the bottom, that had just escaped my view from where I stood previously. The sides of the pit were made from the same desert rock, no plants, and no way down. So I went "eh, what the hell, this won't hurt me" and jumped down. Lake turned out to be deep enough and I didn't get hurt (it was a deep pit before the water's surface). Found a ring in the more shallow water and gave that to the raven. Then Teal said to walk back out into the desert. But there's no going back from that jump. There was an opening in the rockside though, big enough to walk through, so I followed the river for a bit before ending the meditation. I think it means I'm on the right path and it just takes one more step before I can see the change I've been looking for. And then I gotta jump in, knowing I'll never be back. I guess there's just one tiny thing between me and my goal, and I just haven't found it bc I have just been waiting for it in the same spot. Ironically I came to this video to find the tiny thing. I think I'm okay. Definitely had a moment of "I've waited long enough, let's see if there's more shadow work to do" which I stopped doing a few weeks back bc I couldn't think of anything else to integrate. It's like the waves of an ocean tbh. Shadow work, rest, shadow work, rest, shadow work, rest. The waves roll up on a beach, then retreat, then the next wave. I'm ready for the next wave, I guess.

Little hard to put into words... Physically I am not in the location I want to be, but it doesn't bother me as much since I'm doing everything I can to move. I feel too good for my old time-filling distractions to be fitting anymore, but I don't yet have anything else to fill that place. I know I cannot rush things and trying to work harder will only leave me burnt out. It's just this weird space of knowing a transition is about to happen and being okay with the pace it happens at, but not having a thing to enjoy in my free time. Empty space ready to be filled with something new but the new thing isn't here quite yet. Emptiness isn't the emotion I'm feeling but there is a sense of "something should be here" I'm at a rather good place in life rn, all things considered, and it's about to get great. The in-between is... being noticed?

My greatest annoyance with recipes is that spoons and cups tell me nothing about the amount. Having to look up translators for amounts results in me not wanting to cook anymore 99% of the time. Please use grams in your cookbook 🙏🙏🙏 I'm begging you.

I did a value exercise with cards a while ago. I put connection as my top value. This made me realize there was no card labeled freedom in that deck because it sure as hell is much more important to me. If I can't be free I can't really be myself, which would make real connection impossible. Moreover, connection is a choice both people must make for it to exist, freedom is inherent in myself and no one can take it away unless I choose to give it away. As important as connection may be, it leaves the door open for someone to control you. But freedom only opens the doors of your choice. Besides, are we not united in our choice to be free? Even if it turns into the shadowy "united against" it still creates a feeling of connection.

The checkout thing was just an example to better explain how I felt. Something like that hasn't happened in years. No amount of shadowwork is going to change the fact that I am annoyed at how nobody fucking cares about how their actions affect others. So what if the best some people can think of to feel safer is to hoard 20 packs of toilet paper? Them feeling slightly safer is not going to help me wipe my ass. Buying a stock of soap just means the next person won't be able to wash their hands, and it won't be enough to make those hoarders feel an actual sense of safety. I'm so fucking sick of everyone telling me I need to care more about how others are feeling when the exact thing I'm pointing out is how nobody is caring about others. I'm just worrying that there won't be enough resources for everyone at the stores and that suicide rates might go up, all because everyone only thinks of themselves. But the second I start to express my feelings I get told I need to care more for others, as if I wasn't already doing that. And in telling me to care more for others specific for the virus and nothing else people are also discarding my feelings. I'm not capable of caring for everyone, that's too fucking stressful. I can get their perspective but I have no better solution. A change in perspective might make people less scared and self centered, but forcing a change in mindset is not a loving thing to do. People need people. Right now I need someone to be able to hold space for how I'm feeling. The ability to hold space for the emotions of others has always been lacking in this society, but because of the virus it gets highlighted. That's why I want this to blow over fast. Because as crappy as it was, we did better in terms of taking care of others emotionally before we panicked over covid. We are so focused on overcoming 1 problem that we are blind to everything else falling apart. Everyone agrees that they want to be well. What we disagree on is what it looks like and how to get there. And since this is a global thing, resolving the cause is not something within my capabilities (and I have no interest in becoming anything related to doctors or therapists). Even if I don't feel that strongly about this, the fact that it lasts so long is what's wearing me down.

If you want to practice taking people as part of yourself, and you depend on blood donations, maybe focusing on how others are literally keeping you alive by physically becoming part of you is a good place to start? And if you were born with that illness, I'd wager those light workers are talking shit. Just like Teal was born extrasensory, maybe you were born with this illness because you could not fulfill or discover your life purpose without? I don't know you so it's just a guess, but maybe really taking others as part of yourself like this plays a role in it? It'd make sense to me, at least based on this single comment of yours.

When I first heard about the virus I just wondered why it was big news. It was still located in Wuhan at the time, which I still have no clue how big that place is, but I never heard of it before. It seemed banal and not really something worth any attention. Since then it's just been an increasingly raised eyebrow to the reaction of other people to it. It's annoying to have to wonder if a service I need will still operate normally, when in my opinion there is no need for any change due to this. I try to find any potential good things this could have but honestly I just want this to blow over already. Even before reading this I had already wondered what affect this would have in terms of connection. No touching and avoiding going out seems really bad for several emotional and physical needs, especially with the governments backing it up. What I feel about this whole thing is equivalent to being next in line at checkout of the supermarket, and the person in front of me is technically done, but they're having a really long chat with the cashier and I just want them to pay so I can go on with my day. That's the same feeling. It's taken long enough, be done with it.

I'm getting better at relating to the people. I used to focus more on their story, and couldn't relate to it because every life experience is different. But now I focus on the emotional aspect of what they talk about and find it pretty easy to relate to. It does mean that the backstory gets longwinded and full of unnecessary details, which makes it too easy for my attention to wander off. "If that's not the right choice, don't make it." Teal just validated my decision to not have a job. And by that I mean I never had a job in my life. I do think I'd want at least a part-time job once I move countries just to make sure I have something to do/not sit bored on bed all day until I figure out what I'd rather do. It just takes feeling good first to feel the need to be out among people, doing more than sitting around.

I am excited for the new year! Been waiting for this forecast and it all sounds pretty good to me. It's been needing to happen. 2019 really taught me that the universe will take any plan you have, throw it out the window and hand you a better one. It sucks when you keep looking out the window "why the fuck did you throw that out I want it back" and can't see the new thing that's being offered because of it. But I've learned this, and am even expecting it to happen again. I have a sense of a plan, several things that I want to do this year, but even though I have chosen a way to do it, I try to be ready in case the universe decides to throw things off course. Not getting attached to the how to, or even the ultimate end result. Simply a choosing of direction, not a destination. That is how I hope to approach the future. Let's take this ride and enjoy it.

I imagined a desert with sand dunes, so I couldn't see how large the desert was, but the cube was a size that could easily be held. It was black and a few meters away from me, a bit further down the side of the dune. I think it was made from something non-natural. Like plastic but not plastic, idk I don't know much about materials ig. It felt sturdy. The ladder was wooden brown, lying one or two meters down from the cube. It looked like it had slid down fairly recently. I just wondered what a ladder was doing in the desert, away from everything it could be used for. The horse felt like it was in its natural habitat, like it belonged there. It stood between the cube and the ladder, but a little closer to me. Its rear was closest to the cube, but it turned its head to sniff in the direction of the cube. Then the horse jogged up to me. Brown fur and manes, playfully darting around the area, but never going far. No saddle, no reins, free to go wherever it wanted. The storm was a dark cloud, far away. It was a large storm, and even if it were to decide to come my direction it would dissipate before it got there. I don't think it was moving though. (when I got to this part of the exercise there actually was a sound outside that could be mistaken for thunder XD) The flowers sprouted at the lowest point between the dunes, along with some grass. Some lone flowers found their way up the dune the ladder and cube (and me) were on. The horse got all giddy, lifting its legs high while walking in place, then headed over to the patch of grass and flowers and rolled in it. The flowers made it feel like this was no longer a desert. They were white and a light yellow, too many to count.

I actually walked through a golf course for the first time in my life today. Synchronicity 👀

I never really liked the idea of cut flowers much, but just because they'll die and then there's nothing left. With the whole plant, even if they're done blooming, they'll bloom again. Wanting to enjoy what I got more than once is still selfish but I guess this view is better for the plant. Although I'd love to get a girl flowers. Bringing a potted plant gives with it the responsibility for caring for it, which makes it not fitting for a gift unless said person asked for it.

Ugh I really want to go to one of those curveball retreats but I have quite a few reasons for not wanting to fly anywhere for the immediate future so all I can do is hope she comes to belgium sometime soon. Costa Rica sounds fun though. Maybe after I get my local shit dealt with I'll take my chance, even if she's come here before that.