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Hayëfiyn

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  1. I think Teal might have done an episode on abortion before, and while I haven't watched it, I think Teal's stance is a matter of free will. While she will encourage people towards the direction that she believes to be best, she won't take away someone's right to choose differently, just in general. But in terms of abortion, to force someone who doesn't want a pregnancy to to go through it anyway is to force them to suffer. A child born that was never wanted will have a childhood filled with suffering. By allowing abortion there will be less suffering in the world than without it. And personally I never understood why people care so much about a foetus. Why do you care more about something that cannot live on its own than you do about the person putting their life on the line for it? Because pregnancies can cause the mother to die. Why is carrying a baby to term more important than the quality of life of the would be mother? Why is carrying a baby to term more important than the life of the mother? Actually answer those questions. Because I genuinely cannot see where you're coming from. As for the abortion vs eating meat thing: The human body isn't made to digest meat. Even if it can manage somewhat, it is not an ideal source of food for our species. Secondly, most animals spend a lifetime of suffering before being slaughtered. Abortion ends things before suffering can even begin.
  2. Now that makes me wonder what the things for other dates are. Like write a blog post about it, 366 days of what it means to be born. I'm curious for mine, and I'm sure others are curious about theirs too.
  3. Hayëfiyn

    Blank Slate

    It's funny because I've actually been working towards getting my life to a blank slate state, and tbh I feel like I've pretty much reached it. Just dumping out all the old baggage, healing trauma and letting go of everything I don't need or want in my future. Which is pretty much everything. I'd honestly keep going the way I am now. Having this blank slate week just means it's time to get started. The opportunities will show up and I'm ready to take them. To any critical role fans out there (spoilers if you're not caught up completely), Kingsley is such a great example for this. I thought it was very fitting to have that happen at this time, even before watching this daily update. ~synchronicity~
  4. Hayëfiyn

    Online Workshop - Jan 2021

    The meditation was interesting. The desert was made of yellowish rock (not sand), but didn't have any loose rocks larger than what fit in the palm of my hand. Bright blue sky. Tossed a rock and saw some bugs scurry away. The most distinct feature was a dead tree. The raven landed on a branch, cawed at me, then flew down and came up to me, cawing again, as if curious. Every day is the same I've already been bothered by it, but I've done what I could to prepare for my next step (maybe I overlooked something, but I have done everything I can at the current stage to my knowledge). I'm kind of in a waiting period for the changes to manifest. I'm not putting up with this for even half a year more, much less ten years. The raven brought me back to the desert, to the exact same spot we met. Landed on the same branch of the same dead tree. I didn't know what to do from there, so the raven came down from the tree, and hopped to a spot about 3m to my right. As I followed I saw a deep pit with a lake at the bottom, that had just escaped my view from where I stood previously. The sides of the pit were made from the same desert rock, no plants, and no way down. So I went "eh, what the hell, this won't hurt me" and jumped down. Lake turned out to be deep enough and I didn't get hurt (it was a deep pit before the water's surface). Found a ring in the more shallow water and gave that to the raven. Then Teal said to walk back out into the desert. But there's no going back from that jump. There was an opening in the rockside though, big enough to walk through, so I followed the river for a bit before ending the meditation. I think it means I'm on the right path and it just takes one more step before I can see the change I've been looking for. And then I gotta jump in, knowing I'll never be back. I guess there's just one tiny thing between me and my goal, and I just haven't found it bc I have just been waiting for it in the same spot. Ironically I came to this video to find the tiny thing. I think I'm okay. Definitely had a moment of "I've waited long enough, let's see if there's more shadow work to do" which I stopped doing a few weeks back bc I couldn't think of anything else to integrate. It's like the waves of an ocean tbh. Shadow work, rest, shadow work, rest, shadow work, rest. The waves roll up on a beach, then retreat, then the next wave. I'm ready for the next wave, I guess.
  5. Hayëfiyn

    26

    Little hard to put into words... Physically I am not in the location I want to be, but it doesn't bother me as much since I'm doing everything I can to move. I feel too good for my old time-filling distractions to be fitting anymore, but I don't yet have anything else to fill that place. I know I cannot rush things and trying to work harder will only leave me burnt out. It's just this weird space of knowing a transition is about to happen and being okay with the pace it happens at, but not having a thing to enjoy in my free time. Empty space ready to be filled with something new but the new thing isn't here quite yet. Emptiness isn't the emotion I'm feeling but there is a sense of "something should be here" I'm at a rather good place in life rn, all things considered, and it's about to get great. The in-between is... being noticed?
  6. Hayëfiyn

    Gaslighting and Doom

    Dooooooomm I think I had a bit of that when I woke up. Just feeling like I had to do something to ensure a good future but not having a clue what and simultaneously trying to find things to distract myself with. So I shut down anything that could distract me and forced myself to just sit with it and try to understand how I was feeling and what was going on. I just wanted to feel like the things I was doing would have a positive impact on the future I'm creating, even though I'm still at a stage where I don't know what to do to create the future I want. So I came to the conclusion that anything that involved getting to know myself better, parts work etc, would be good enough. Even if the part I work with has no real effect on the immediate things I'm facing, somewhere down the line the fact that I worked with it will have a positive impact on my life. Even if it's years down the line, it'll still make a difference. Perhaps not as practically focused as I would have liked, but simply working on myself could be enough to get the inspiration I need. So I guess I dealt with the doom before seeing this video. In fact I think I put off watching this to deal with it.
  7. Oh my god. That first line. "What usually does the healing for parents is that a child changes so much that the parent has an option to either shift and stay a match to their child or lose them completely." That's where I am. Last year I was a bit unsure on whether or not I wanted to go completely no contact with my family or let them have my new phone number when I change it. My intuition told me to move back with my mom, probably because it was the fastest way for me to learn certain things during covid, but it has also erased any doubt I had left. Once things clear up and I can leave the country, I'll remove any possibility for my relatives to contact me. I just don't believe it's possible for any of them to catch up to me growth-wise. Even if they start today with rushing through things, I'm growing too. The gap has become too big to see bridging it as a possibility, and I'm sure that soon enough the difference in frequencies is going to separate us completely. In fact it is kind of happening already. Even the people who live in this house barely have any contact points with me, and half of them are spending more time away and staying the night elsewhere than they do here. I wouldn't be surprised if my family line dies. I absolutely don't want kids, my sister has a gf, idk about my brother. The reason I don't see them shifting is because the situation here feels like stagnant water. Even if I try to stir it up, there's nowhere for it to go so it'll settle back in relatively the same place it started. I don't feel the need to do anything about it because it's just wasted energy. I have more important things to do.
  8. My greatest annoyance with recipes is that spoons and cups tell me nothing about the amount. Having to look up translators for amounts results in me not wanting to cook anymore 99% of the time. Please use grams in your cookbook I'm begging you.
  9. Hayëfiyn

    Coffee

    Never drank coffee, never liked it. Thinking about the fed up thing it kinda makes sense bc I've been fed up with so much for so long. Although when I was a kid it was more of a "fed up but powerless to make a change" But I do think I'm out of the fed up stage now, or at least fading out of it, perhaps faster on some subjects than others. "I know what doesn't work so what am I going to do instead?" that's the point I'm at. Looking for what does work.
  10. To me it's more of an impatience. As far as I'm aware, I do believe the universe is going to get me everything I want. It's just a matter of being clear on what I want, and keeping an eye out for inspiration, intuition and opportunities. It's just that I'm not really happy where I am now, and I want to experience the daily life of having the things I want. I tend to get impatient and wanting to skip steps before even knowing exactly what the steps are. Although it does feel like outside pressure is what makes me feel the need to rush, rather than wanting to. If I'm not getting things done fast enough someone's gonna hurt me over it. I know that's my mom's fault bc I don't tell her what I do specifically to avoid her getting on my case. It depends a bit on the situation, of course, but basically put, she expects to see results immediately after knowing the goal. Like if I were to wake up and say "I want to buy a house" she'd expect me to have arranged at least one date for checking out a potential house by dinner time. Might work for her but I like to take time to figure things out. Gotta know what I want in a house before I start looking. (not actually looking for a house rn) So maybe I'm not impatient. Just scared that someone will hurt me if I don't have the end result immediately after starting something. Which means there's no room for mistakes even though mistakes are key in learning what the right way to do things are. Why do parents cause so many problems I'm just trying to live my life in peace
  11. Hayëfiyn

    Childhood Story

    I liked the series of Zorro. Theme is fight for what you believe in even if the authority figures think you're the bad guy. Such a mood. Movie's still good tho
  12. Hayëfiyn

    Childhood Story

    Out of the night, when the full moon is bright; Comes the horseman known as Zorro! This bold renegade carves a Z with his blade, A Z that stands for Zorro! Zorro, the fox so cunning and free; Zorro, who makes the sign of the Z! Fucking loved him as a kid. I'm also pretty sure he's the reason I always wanted a black horse (still do) and secret rooms and corridors in my house. And I swear when I get to biuld my own house I'm gonna have a secret room just because I can. I also always wanted to learn fencing but there wasn't a class for that around, not so much into fighting anymore but I'd still like to take a class once to have the experience. I dragged my brother into fencing matches with knex swords. Kind of got really into swords too. And I love the cloth thing around the waist (not sure what to call it but occasionally I'll feel like wearing something similar) I watched the (1950's) series every day as a kid until they stopped airing it. Then I watched the movies every time they came on tv. I don't get how my parents never got sick of me watching the same 2 movies over and over. Preferred the series though. Then I started to watch tv less and less and missed it so I went to look for the videos and managed to find them on yt. I think I made a playlist with those vids. It's long ago but I'm pretty sure I watched it even before I could read so I didn't even understand a word at first. Growing up adults would occasionally ask kids who they wanted to be like, or who they admired. I don't remember ever answering that question so I guess I either forgot or I managed to slink into the background and avoid notice, but Zorro's the only one that ever came to mind when hearing that question. I always felt like that wasn't a valid answer though. Gotta go, time to rewatch this series ♥
  13. Hayëfiyn

    Physically Mirrored Trauma

    Did quite a bit of work with my womb since my periods get so bad. But the meditations and stuff specifically for that don't fit with me as I'm a guy. I've tried for some problems in my knees but didn't get far with that. And everything else I tried didn't really work.
  14. I did a value exercise with cards a while ago. I put connection as my top value. This made me realize there was no card labeled freedom in that deck because it sure as hell is much more important to me. If I can't be free I can't really be myself, which would make real connection impossible. Moreover, connection is a choice both people must make for it to exist, freedom is inherent in myself and no one can take it away unless I choose to give it away. As important as connection may be, it leaves the door open for someone to control you. But freedom only opens the doors of your choice. Besides, are we not united in our choice to be free? Even if it turns into the shadowy "united against" it still creates a feeling of connection.
  15. Funny how you posted this last night and then when I wake up, my mom says hi, to which I don't respond because, well, I've never greeted someone who lives in the same house as me in my entire life so it doesn't even cross my mind as an option. Also I hate speaking before breakfast, it just puts me in a bad mood for the entire day. And now she was like "When I say hi I want you to say it back. To other people too. I demand it." It felt like she was unreasonably angry over something being the same way it had always been. It does feel like a futile attempt to control me. She wasn't yelling or anything but it almost felt like a temper tantrum. What's putting me in confusion though, is Teal saying "now's not the time to rebel against them" Like, the was she acts around me is like I only have 2 options. Comply (and thus giving my power away) or being the bad guy (thus rebelling). Even if it's not the greeting thing, she'll find something else. She's always been like that. Popping up out of nowhere with a demand, acting like that demand is normal even though it's the first time it's ever brought up in my life. If I give in she'll find something else to demand from me, if I don't give in I'm the problem child. I just do what I feel like doing. If it lines up with what she wants, great. If it doesn't, not my problem. I'm tired of playing her games, if she has a problem, it's not my responsibility to help her avoid it. And as for the taking steps to move forward; I know what I need to do, but something's holding me back. I've tried talking to that part of me, and all I get is "not yet" I get that I needed to de-stress a bit, but I think I've relaxed as much as I can in my current situation so I'm not sure what I still need. I don't want to get started when I know I'll only be able to put in half my energy at best. I want to deal with whatever this is first, so I can have 100% of my energy to put into this when I start. I just wish I knew what I needed, maybe there's a more effective way of going about it.
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