Beautiful Teal,
Thank you for your honesty and openness. Yes it is so hard to feel inclusive toward someone who hurts you. Just today, I had three experiences at work where I was ignored/not included. In one, I actually looked straight at someone, said hello and , looking right at me, they (2) did not respond. ??
For all three, I felt hurt, angry and in one case, I actually did ask the person, "why did you just abandon our conversation when you saw someone else more compelling and then not return to it? She thought our conversation had ended. She apologized very warmly... so , I guess it was more a trigger of a childhood wound for me.....(exclusion)
Last weekend, I was at Byron Katie workshop in Omega Institute. The thought I had after these incidents at work was to do a worksheet. ..... I get confused though, because if I see , via enquiry, that it is my thoughts causing the suffering, how does that address the felt childhood wounds which these incidents trigger?? They still remain don't they?
I wish you and she would do an interview together because there are some points on which I don't see your work and hers agreeing and that bothers me. When I was on stage with her and we embraced, I told her that I had found her work through you!
I absolutely know that the "school shooter" is in me. Yes, there were so many times in school when I felt that I wanted them to know how their exclusionary behavior makes one feel. I even remember that my first thought when I read about the Columbine shooting was "good, now those cliquish classmates know how it feels and maybe they won't continue to exclude others. (but they probably will). I know that these school experiences are an echo of the rejection my father expressed toward me early on ....
I saw a homeless man in the subway last night after I returned from feeding the pigeons. Actually, he was sitting right next to me, stridently expressing vocally out- loud his anger at women "tricking" men into buying them all the stuff they want , then abandoning them... ; I could see that I could also be he; it would feel good to speak openly (literally) about the anger I have over ... .(whatever the thing at the moment would be). Some people were mumbling about him and making caustic, cautionary remarks . I felt compassion; his behavior was a release valve for what he was feeling so , yes, it was appropriate for him, even if it made others uncomfortable.
I would like very much to be able to remain in compassion even at the height of emotional injury from others. But I cannot do it yet. It's like a reflex; I just want to hit back. Is it possible to circumnavigate this reflex? It seems impossible because it is like you say, self-preservation. .... I guess someone who had totally let go the ego could do it. But is that even possible .... or desirable? Many teachers would say yes, but I don't think you would.....?
I guess what I would do is ask the being, if possible, why s/he is harming me and ask why it is necessary. But if I am too hurt and angry, I could not do this. I don't know.... seriously, maybe do a BK worksheet for some insight?!
On the drive home from Omega, I saw two large animals dead by roadside. .. I didn't break down the way I usually do. Instead, I was fascinated by the black vultures who were circling above and who descended to disembowel the remains , as is their sacred duty...; I stopped the car to watch; they are fascinating birds.
But I like to do this = to dissect the symbolism: what is the correspondence to this inside of me??
So, I guess I would try to find that. Sometimes it's obscure; sometimes it comes right away. In this case, I feel it means that , because my reaction was fascination rather than horror or grief (which it always was), I have changed and the message was that I can now witness my internal world unflinchingly and allow it to be cleared out to prepare for new expansion and self-knowledge.
I hope you are well and safe. I love you,
Kay
KAL changed their profile photo
