In order to get what you want; you have to give up what is no longer working for you. For example, say that what you want is to succeed as an entrepreneur. And say that you have a pattern of not commitment to things, based off of a fear of failing at them. The pattern of not committing to things, based off of the fear of failure is something that is preventing you from what you want. It is something that is not working for you. And so, you are going to have to give that up. To give up what clearly does not serve you in order to get what you want is hard. But what is even harder is to give up what IS working for you, in order to get what you want. And this is something that each and every person inevitably has to do. The question is: What are you and what aren’t you willing to give up in order to have what you want?
To give you some idea of what I mean by having to give up what is working for you in order to get what you want, here are three examples. Jeremy, who is from USA is madly in love with a woman named Isadora from Brazil. Jeremy has an incredible job and ambitions to climb to the top of the corporate ladder within the company he works for. He loves his job and it took him years to do what it took to be hired to work for such a prestigious company. Jeremy’s job is something that is working for him. Jeremy wants a lifelong partnership of deep intimacy and to live life together with someone even more. He wants to marry Isadora. But Isadora has a child. Because of this, she cannot leave Brazil. No matter how much effort Jeremy has put into trying to find a win-win scenario, the truth is, if he wants a lifelong partnership with Isadora, he is going to have to give up the job he loves.
Reyka survived a childhood of neglect and abuse by fending for herself. She figured out in every situation, how to take control so as to act in her own best interests. Most especially to do whatever it took to get away from painful situations. She has become financially successful because of this. And she has gotten herself out of many truly bad situations with this adaptive strategy. Reyka wants to be in a relationship with a man who she can rely on and depend on. A man who takes care of her and protects her, so that she can live out the rest of her life in her femininity. She wants this worse than anything in the world. In order to have this, Reyka must give up the behavior of fending for herself. This is the one thing she finds the most difficult to do. Why? Because even though fending for herself is an oppositional force to what she is wanting, it is also something that is working for her in several ways. It is giving her a sense of empowerment in life. It keeps her from being disappointed. And most of all, it is giving her a sense of safety. She knows that at the end of the day, she can get away from whatever situation she finds herself in and whatever person is causing her harm and rely on herself to act in her own best interests. So, she never actually has to feel or be at their mercy. This protects her from abuse. That is a big thing to give up.
Martina is fresh out of college and has a dream to see the world. She is considering taking a job working for a cruise ship company. The problem is, Martina is so, so close to her family. She cannot imagine not being with her family for Sunday dinners or on holidays or missing significant events. She loves the house she grew up in. She feels a deep sense of security living with her parents and knowing that they and the rest of the family always have each other’s backs. And so, there will never be a day that she isn’t bailed out of trouble. This situation she is living in with her family is something that is working for Martina. The problem is, in order to see the world, she will have to give up being in close proximity to her family.
It is easier to give up what isn’t working for you in order to go for what you want than it is to give up what IS working for you in order to get what you want. In fact, it is so hard to give up what IS working (what is positive and valuable and going right) that we can become completely stuck relative to getting what we want. We can prove to be totally unwilling to do what it takes to get what we want because of it. This is one reason why to generalize, wealthier people are often far more stuck relative to doing what it takes to get what they want. They usually have a life that boasts more things that are really working for them and that they are thus, very attached to and very unwilling to let go of. We can be stuck on a merry go round for years, trying to find any answer for getting what we want that does not involve giving up what is working for us, when giving that something of value up, is the very thing that stands in the way of what we want.
At the end of the day, a critical truth to accept is that in order to get what you want, you will be asked to give up something that is positive, valuable, going right and thus, is working for you. The question is: What is it? And are you willing to do it?
