Life satisfaction can only come about if you are in touch with what you want. And you can only create the life you want if you admit to what you want. This concept is pretty straight forward. Where it gets complicated is that you may not be admitting to the truth of what you want. You may not be admitting it to yourself. And you may not be admitting it to others.
Most of the time, when we don’t admit to our truth, including the truth of what we want, it is because we perceive there to be some negative consequence for having that be our truth. For example, we feel having that truth means something bad about us, like that we are a bad or wrong person or that we are messed up or dysfunctional in some way. Or we believe that having that truth will mean we will be denied something else that we need or can’t live without. Or that having that truth will cause us to lose someone we don’t want to lose. Or having that truth will cause others to reject or otherwise harm us in some way etc. Whatever the reason is, we perceive it to be a consequence bad enough that we are willing to deny our truth to try to avoid that consequence. It’s perfectly understandable. The problem is, we don’t see the consequences of denying our truth. We don’t see that denying the truth of what we want, leads to serious consequences too.
The way that this consequence shows up in a relationship is especially painful. When someone can’t swallow or admit to the truth of what they want, when a truth might negatively affect a relationship, they will do two things:
They will deny the truth of what they want and conform to whatever they think will maintain the relationship. This means letting go of their truth so as to establish confluence with the other person/people.
And at the same time:
- They will try to covertly manipulate others into accommodating their hidden truth.
So that you understand this, here is an example. Rosalva was parentified when she was young. She was totally under-nourished as a child. Her truth is that she wants to be taken care of by someone. But she is ashamed of this truth. She believes that people who want to be taken care of are lazy and no one will want to be with them, including her husband. Rosalva is so ashamed of her truth; she won’t admit to it. As a result, she denies this truth and conforms to her husband’s expectation that she cleans the house and cooks for him and pampers him. At the same time, because she can’t get rid of her truth, she tries to get people to accommodate it in covert ways. For example, when she had her first daughter, she parentified her own daughter. Through punishment and reward, while her husband was away at work, she created a dynamic where her daughter was rubbing her feet and doing many of the household chores and was her emotional support person regarding her problems in the marriage. Also, her back keeps going out, so other people “have” to do things for her. And she makes other people very, very wrong and bad for not conforming to taking care of her when her back goes out.
To give you another example, Tom’s sexual orientation is polyamorous. His truth is that he wants to have multiple partners on an emotional, physical, sexual and romantic level. But Tom is in a society that believes that monogamy is the only way to have a relationship and that it is the only moral way to have a relationship. He feels that to admit to his truth would make him dysfunctional, lead to him being publicly shunned and lead to him never being able to be in a secure relationship. So, he denies this truth and proposes to his girlfriend and moves into an apartment with her and tries to behave in a monogamous way. At the same time, because he can’t get rid of his truth, it comes out in covert ways. He flirts with absolutely everyone. And it drives his fiancé crazy. He tries to make his fiancé heal from her prude nature because she is not open to a threesome. He tries to get her into watching porn that features group sex. He has a friend who he sees at least four times a week and is emotionally close to in a way that goes far beyond what is tolerated in a normal monogamous relationship.
When we won’t admit to the truth of what we want, we simultaneously fight against our truth and for our truth. And as a result, we end up trying to get our needs met in the wrong situations and from the wrong people and we will drown ourselves and other people in absolute confusion about us.
On top of this extremely painful pattern, here are some other things that happen when you don’t admit to the truth of what you want:
- You cannot find compatible situations and compatible people. You doom yourself to the pain of trying to make what is incompatible, compatible. To understand more about this, watch my video titled: Incompatibility, a Harsh Reality in Relationships.
- You will not be able to get what you want. To get what you want, you have to know what it is that you want, admit to it and then take steps to get it directly. If you aren’t admitting to what you want, you will try to get it subconsciously and in round about ways. Ways which are not effective and painful to both you and the other person. It is a recipe for spending your whole life in pain.
- You run the risk of slipping into the “so that pattern”. With the so that pattern, you try to get what you want in a roundabout rather than direct way. You do something you don’t like and do things you don’t want to do SO THAT you can get something you do want. If you want to learn about this pattern, watch my video titled: If You Want to Be Happy, Don’t Do This!
- Because you will continue to try to conform to situations and people who are not compatible to what you want, while at the same time trying to subconsciously get them to accommodate what you want, you will not be happy. You will have to “cope” with the pain that arises as a result of being in those incompatible situations. You will become manipulative and you will most likely cause conflict that will cause you to become the ‘problem person’ to everyone else. Using our previous example, Rosalva will not be happy in her marriage. She has to cope with the pain by taking anti-depressants and obsessively cleaning the house. And there are so many fights between her and her daughter and her and her husband regarding whose responsibility is what; as well as conflicts about the pressure that her constant back problems put on the both of them. Rosalva has become the resented person in the house.
- The universe will keep lining you up with situations that will force you to clarify and become conscious of and admit to what your truth is. It is an invitation for the universal pressure cooker to escalate. This includes situations where the consequence you were trying to avoid by not admitting to what you want, happen anyways. When this occurs, the worst has already happened and there is nothing more to lose and you no longer risk anything by admitting to what you want. These situations can be extremely painful to everyone involved.
- You will have very little energy and you will become physically unhealthy as a result of not admitting to what you want. It takes a great deal of energy to deny, suppress, disown and resist what you want. And it takes a great deal of energy to live in a situation that is out of alignment with what you really want. You will be in a state of stress doing so. This lack of alignment and this stress and this energy expenditure, will not only create emotional and mental problems for you. It will translate to the manifestation of a whole host of physical problems.
- You will run the very real risk of slipping into full on denial and gaslighting yourself and everyone else in the process. You will feel unhappy in a certain area of your life and you will act like it and other people will notice it. But you will say things like “It’s ok” or “I’m happy with it the way it is” or even “I love it”. Then, you will have to develop coping mechanisms to cover it up and deal with the reality that you are denying. No one, including you, will be able to figure out what is actually true relative to you. To understand more about this, you might benefit by watching my video titled: How to Call Bull$#it on Denial.
- You will be working against your own expansion rather than with it. This is a bit like turning upstream against the Grand Canyon River. It’s not going to go well for you. It will feel like all forces are against you and like no matter how hard you try to succeed at what you consciously think you want or have decided to go for, it will never work out. The thing is, all forces ARE against you; but because they are actually aligned with what you really want rather than what you are currently going for.
When it comes to getting what you want, you must take the first and most important step, to admit that you want it. You have to accept that the reality before you IS the reality and then acknowledge it. From there, you must make decisions and take actions according to it. The good news is, the truth shall set you free!