Quality time is a way that people express and receive love the world over. It is the love language that is perhaps the most unanimously spoken. So let’s look at quality time in depth and learn how to express love through quality time. 

Quality time is when you spend time of quality with someone. What makes the time you spend with someone of quality or not? This is exactly the variable to consider when it comes to this way of expressing and receiving love, because the answer is super subjective. One person may experience watching a movie to be something that is bonding and engaging and mutually enjoyable. And so, for them watching a movie would qualify as quality time. Another person may experience watching a movie to be something that feels disconnecting, that lacks active interaction and that feels unsatisfying. And so, for them watching a movie would not qualify as quality time. One person may experience playing a sport together to be support and trust enhancing, connecting and stimulating. And therefore, playing a sport would qualify as quality time. Another person may experience playing a sport to feel oppositional and competitive rather than bonding and empty of the deep communication about each other’s thoughts and feelings, which is what they crave. And therefore, playing a sport would not qualify as quality time. There is nothing more important to identify when it comes to expressing love through quality time than what makes time spent together of quality to the other person. With this in mind, here are some things to know about quality time as it applies to love. 

1. What demonstrates love the most about quality time, is that you made the deliberate decision to choose to spend your time (which is limited) with them. Quality time is not about hanging out and killing time. It is giving them a piece of your life that you will never get back. This is a validation of a person’s worth, importance and the positive place they hold in your life. 
2. For quality time to be an expression of love, whatever you are doing during that time together must be something that enhances the relationship between you. Something that deepens connection, fosters your bond, brings you closer together and increases relationship satisfaction.
3. Proximity is something that exists on a sliding scale for people when it comes to quality time. For some people, physical proximity is absolutely critical. It is a necessary component for time to be experienced as quality time. For other people, proximity isn’t as important. For example, there are people breaking up with their partners because their jobs take them out of proximity. At the same time, there are people who are experiencing quality time playing video games together while living in different countries. Don’t try to get someone who needs your proximity in order to experience quality time to not need your proximity. 
4. The most crucial element of quality time is undivided attention. Quality time is time that is spent focusing completely on the other person and/or what you are doing together. Your attention cannot be out and away from them and what you are doing together for the time you are spending together to be “of quality”. To get a picture of what quality time is not, think of a wife who desperately wants to emotionally connect with her husband, but he is just focused on the golf tournament on the television. Or think about the parents who bring the family on vacation. They are all at the pool, but everyone is doing something separate. One kid is sliding down the slide, the other is doom scrolling, mom is reading a book on a lounge chair and dad is on business calls on his phone. So, when it comes to quality time, think shared activities, think undivided attention, think being there and in it with your full presence, think uninterrupted conversations, think active listening. Think being fully engaged. 
5. When you are thinking of quality time, think of two pillars. Pillar one is: Connecting Conversation. Conversation that is meaningful where you and the other person share your thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, preferences, aversions, and experiences. It is communication that increases intimacy. Pillar Two is: Connecting Experiences. Engaging in activities where the focus is doing it together and in a fully ‘engaged in the moment’ kind of way. Obviously it is best if both you and they like the activity. This being said, people who really love quality time have been known to do something they may not like enough to go do of their own accord, but they know the other person enjoys, just because doing it with them enhances their feeling of connection with that person. 
6. Time spent together is what creates core memories. Memories that both you and the other person shares. This valuable collection of treasured memories strengthens the bond and gives you connection through exclusivity of experience. If you climbed to the top of a mountain with someone, that is an experience only those of you that were on that hike have and share.   

Now, here are some tips for how to speak the love language of quality time. 

1. If you find that you have any resistance to expressing your love through quality time, instead of bulldozing that resistance, resolve that resistance first. If there is some part of you that is in opposition to spending quality time with someone and you go ahead and just do it, the other person will feel it and it will back fire. Why will it backfire? Because it will send the opposite message from the one you need to send with quality time. It will send the message: I’d rather be doing something else with my time. Whatever the reason is that you may have resistance to spending quality time with someone, you need to become aware of it and work to resolve it. If you do show love through quality time, you must actually be in alignment and in integrity doing so. It will only be effective if it is actually true that you want to be doing whatever it is that you are doing with someone. 
2. Set predictable, uninterrupted, connection time. This goes a long way when it comes to expressing love through quality time. For people who feel most loved through quality time, inconsistent time feels like a recipe for instability and emotional starvation. They start to feel hungry and desperate for connection, which can lead to anxiety, desperate clinginess, resentment and extreme pain. For example, distraction free meals together (meals where no one is looking at their phone or is mentally zoning off somewhere). Or intentional reconnection time. For example, twenty minutes when you both get home where you sit down and talk with each other about how you are feeling, what you are thinking, what is happening for you and recounting the experiences you had. Or end of the day together time. For example, you decide that at a specific time each night, everything else and everyone else stays outside the bedroom (including mentally) and you come together to do a joint activity together, like learn a language together. Or predictable calls you make to someone each week. Or reliable date nights.  
3. Do shared relaxation experiences. These are activities you can do together that are soothing and downregulating. Things like stargazing, doing a puzzle, a picnic, watching a series together, reading together, experiences that incorporate physical affection or therapeutic touch, chore dates, taking a walk, couples meditations, building a pillow fort or cuddle time. 
4. Do shared stimulating experiences. These are activities that are exciting and upregulating. Things like trying something totally new together, doing an activity that involves some risk, exploring somewhere new, volunteering together, going out dancing, setting out to achieve an ambitious goal together or learning something new together.
5. Create together. Just like it sounds, these are activities where you create something together. It could be literally anything. It could be cooking together, building a business together, creating a mosaic or painting, building something, planting and tending to a garden together, doing a DIY home improvement project together or creating a photo album together. 
6. Have Intentional Conversations. There are so many different kinds of conversations that could be considered quality time. For example, you could get a list of questions to both answer. You could have a subject specific conversation. You could interview the other person. You could have a conversation entirely centered around emotions. Don’t fall into the logistics trap. This is a big problem for people who live together. They think they are spending time together, but they are actually just discussing the budget, the kids, or the grocery list. Not conversations that are of quality. 
7. Exercises in Pure Presence. This is a hard one for most people to wrap their head around. They are literally bonding non-activities. What they share is intense levels of presence. Things like simply sitting with the other person and being totally present to them. Feeling their energy, watching them, smelling them, hearing them, noticing your impressions and the effects that their being is having on you. Eye gazing is another example of one such experience. Cuddling for some people can be one form of this.     
8. Do dates and intentional one-off experiences. As opposed to being routine and predictable, these are special. Things like a specific vacation, a surprise date night, a staycation, a concert, a sports game, a holiday activity, a progressive dinner, shutting off all the power to the house and doing an electricity free night, a tour, a photo shoot or re-creating a specific meaningful memory. 
9. Protect the quality time you are having. There are lots of things that can intrude on or interrupt quality time. You need to guard against these. Treat the time you spend together as a fixed commitment. Not picking up the phone call, not getting distracted, setting boundaries like after this hour, we don’t talk about work, having the kids watched by someone else, doing the chores in advance, so you can give your full undivided attention, scheduling things, picking the right environment. If an emergency happens, immediately re-scheduling and demonstrating that time with them does matter to you and like you are losing something you value and want in having to cancel. You get the picture. If you had a high stakes appointment you needed to make it to, you wouldn't cancel it to finish watching a series you like. Treating the other person’s time and presence with that same level of "un-cancelable" respect is what gives the emotional experience you are looking to give with quality time. Protecting your time with the other person is the ultimate sign of loyalty and the ultimate validation of their worth to you.        

Remember that distraction is the enemy of quality time. Be intentional about time together. It isn’t just about the what you are doing together, it is about the why you are doing what you are doing together. You want to get out ahead of things so you don’t end up in the land of: "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?"  To show love through quality time, you are looking to get away from passive availability and to go towards active prioritization. When you proactively plan your time with the other person, initiating time spent with them doing something specific, you remove the pain of the "ask." What do I mean by this? If a partner always has to initiate or pull you or beg for attention and time together, they will not feel loved by you. Rather than feeling like someone you value, they will feel like an afterthought because you have nothing better to do. Or even worse, they will feel like a chore to you. You want to actively demonstrate the following: I spend time with you because I want to."