For a whole host of reasons, you could make a general statement that it is far better for a parent to want a child than it is for a parent to feel saddled with a child that they do not want. But it is a mistake to think that if a parent desperately wants a child, they are going to be a good parent to the child they have. In fact, because of a little-known shadow, it can be a disaster when a parent really wants a child. 

There is a potential that when a parent really wants a child, they actually do come through and give their child a wonderful life experience. They actually are a good parent. Potentially even a great one. At the same time, there is another potential, a terrible one that manifests all too often and that leaves a child with both emptiness and scars. And to understand this potential, we must look at the shadow underneath. So, let’s take a deep dive.

There is always a reason WHY a person wants something. There is always a reason (or many) why a parent wants a child. And I mean a self-centered reason. Even if what a person wants is to give a child “the best possible life experience” (something you will hear often), there is something that the parent personally gets out of doing that. And believe it or not, most people are really (and I mean really) unconscious about their reasons. Being conscious about the reasons, including the ones you may be ashamed to admit to, is what allows you to see the potential pitfalls and issues that could come about as a result of those being your reasons. You can then make decisions accordingly so as to avoid those negative manifestations. For example, a person may become aware that one reason they really want a child is to gain security in their relationship with their partner. Looking directly at that, there is a potential danger that the child does not matter at all. That the child is just a means to an end. And what if having the child does not do anything to enhance the security of that relationship? This could be the recipe for neglect and even resentment. 

A parent’s reasons for wanting a child are often projected out into the future in the form of an experience that they imagine they will be having as a result of having that child. And this imagined experience may very well be an overlay. What is an overlay you may ask? It is a fantasy reality that obscures the actual reality beneath. When a parent has a fantasy overlay about who their child will be and what their relationship with the child will be like and what experience they will be having as a parent, and what needs of theirs will be met, it prevents them from being in a direct, real relationship with the unique being that their child is. It also lays the stage for disillusionment. And this disillusionment can and often does lead to things like neglect, emotional abandonment, antagonism and even abuse. 

So that you can understand this, I’ll give you two examples:        

Brooklyn often feels totally confused and also gaslit because she feels totally unwanted and totally unloved by her mother. And yet, her mother loves to remind her about how wanted she was. Her mother tells stories about how she always wanted to be a mother ever since she was a little girl. How she used to play with dolls all the time and babysit and that having children was the most important thing for her. But when we pry deeper into her mother’s motives for wanting a child so badly, we see that her mother wanted to have a child to get unconditional love and validation. When Brooklyn’s mother was a child, she grew up in a dysfunctional home with a dictatorial father who was very black or white in his thinking. Everything was his way or the highway. She was deeply rejected by him. And her mother was an enabler who expected all her children to be pleasing and blithe. In her own way, because her mother had no tolerance for anything that wasn’t sweet and good, much of her was also rejected by her mother. She had enmeshment trauma and she grew up with a deep core self-concept of shame. And she began dreaming of the closeness she would one day finally be able to get from a child of her own. The acceptance and closeness and unconditional love and security of connection and validation and positive affirmation. 

When Brooklyn was a baby, her mother started struggling a bit because she felt as if Brooklyn’s needs were often in competition with her needs and like she was just expected to sacrifice hers. Having a real baby was nothing like having a doll. You couldn’t put her down when you wanted her to sleep. Just because you wanted to feed her didn’t mean she was hungry. She would scream and cry regardless of how stressed out she was. Brooklyn’s mother’s enmeshment trauma was often triggered by Brooklyn’s needs, which led to a power struggle against her own daughter’s needs. She made sure to sleep train and schedule Brooklyn according to her schedule because of this. She was totally lost with regards to how to regulate her own emotions and parent Brooklyn and so, she became a very unpredictable parent. 

When Brooklyn reached her toddler years, this kicked off into a whole other gear. Brooklyn started to do what a child does at this age, develop a sense of self. And contrary to her mother’s dreams, Brooklyn was not a mini-me. In fact, they had major differences. Each difference made her mother feel more and more distanced, less and less bonded. As she grew, when Brooklyn wanted to do things herself, like tie her own shoes or walk without assistance or feed herself, her mother experienced this as a rejection. When Brooklyn would react negatively to anything she did, she took this too as a rejection. When Brooklyn would assert her needs, she experienced this as Brooklyn trying to take over the household… As a power struggle. Having Brooklyn was nothing like she imagined having a daughter would be. Instead of validated, she felt invalidated. Instead of accepted, she felt rejected. Instead of close, she felt like her daughter was an outer space alien or as if she was replaced at birth. She didn’t feel showered in unconditional love. Brooklyn only gave her positive feedback sometimes, like on holidays when she would write her cards. So, Brooklyn’s mother withdrew. She dropped ownership over her daughter in all kinds of ways. She took a job because she got more validation doing that than she did parenting. When she would get home from work, she would retreat into books. Brooklyn was more and more neglected. She had a roof over her head. Feed to eat and toys. Her parents would drive her to activities. But there was none of the things Brooklyn needed to thrive on an emotional level. 

This relationship devolved badly even more so in Brooklyn’s teen years. The way Brooklyn would push back against her mother’s control was perceived as mutiny and a personal attack. Brooklyn developing a separate identity and interests that her mother didn’t like was viewed as a betrayal. Her mother used guilt, emotional detachment, harsh criticism, verbal abuse and triangulated Brooklyn’s father against her by playing the victim as methods to gain back control. Now it actually was a power struggle. And they were enemies living under the same roof. They would get into screaming fights. Deep down, Brooklyn’s mother felt incredible resentment towards her because by being nothing like the fantasy she had in her head about what her daughter would be like and the relationship they would have, Brooklyn had broken the presumptive contract that existed between them. Of course, this was never a contract Brooklyn had agreed to, she never knew this was what she was getting into by being born. 

Now that Brooklyn is an adult, she has a mother wound the size of Texas. She hated her childhood. She struggles in every relationship she has because she has a disorganized attachment. She does not go home for holidays. She is desperate for a relationship which will never ever be there. About Brooklyn, her mother says “It’s possible to love someone that you don’t like.” And Brooklyn doesn’t even know whether she will cry when her mother dies.  

And now for our second example. Maddox does not get what is wrong with him. At face value, he was given everything. Every opportunity, all the support and privilege a person could possibly need. And yet, he feels lost and seems to sabotage everything right before he succeeds. He feels trapped by his father’s financial support, because he can’t seem to do what it takes to become independent. Everyone tells him “Your father loves you so much and does so much for you.” But this is not how it feels. He feels as if the weight of the world is being put on him by his father. And he is pissed about it. He goes back and forth between feeling like his dad is a villain and like he is just an ungrateful dick who squanders every opportunity he is given. 

Let’s go back in time. When Maddox’s father found out his child was a boy, he could not be happier. He was so excited he couldn’t contain himself. He took Maddox out to do all the things he loved doing the minute Maddox was old enough to walk. His father had him swinging a golf club by two years old. And by three, his father already dreamed that Maddox would grow up to be the world champion. Maddox grew up on the fast track to being a professional golf star. His father funded all of his private coaching and travel to tournaments. He personally managed the trajectory of his career and took him to every single practice and competition. At face value, he was so lucky to have his father who was absolutely dedicated to Maddox’s goals and success above everything else. Only, Maddox couldn’t remember if it really was his goals or if it was his father’s goals for him. Goals that he wanted so badly to meet only so he could feel approved of and valued and loved by his father. Everything was so confusing. 

What was really hiding underneath all this dedication to his son? Underneath his enthusiasm about having the son he wanted so badly? Maddox’s father wanted to live vicariously through his son. He wanted to fix the regrets he had about mistakes he had made in his own sports career. He wanted Maddox to fulfill those unfulfilled dreams because it was as close as he could get to him fulfilling those dreams. He wanted the do-over in life relative to his own success. Maddox’s father never made it to the level he was so desperate to make it to in his own sports career. Pushing Maddox to succeed and be the best was a way of healing his old disappointments. The praise he was so desperate for, is something society gave him when his son excelled. Maddox was ego boosting. When people commented on how attractive he is and how talented he is, his father could feel proud because it reflected his own good traits. 

Maddox has plateaued in his golf career because it isn’t him that is motivated to win. He is motivated to be loved by his father and to not be abandoned. A love he feels he can only get and a security he feels he can only have, if he becomes the success his father expects him to be. Maddox has no sense of identity. He never got to develop one because he was too busy living up to his father’s vision of what he should be. He has no idea what he really wants. And he keeps sabotaging his games because deep down, he desperately wants to be loved no matter if he wins or loses. There is a ton of friction in this relationship. Maddox is lost and unhappy. And he has become a sex addict because that is the way Maddox now self-medicates his emotional pain. Maddox’s irresponsible behavior and lack of personal discipline is driving his father so nuts, he is now toying with the idea of just letting go, cutting off the financial support and telling Maddox that he is “on his own”. The very abandonment that keeps Maddox in this painful cycle and away from really finding himself.   

What is the moral of the story? Just because a person wants a child does not mean the reasons that they have for wanting the child are good reasons. Just because a parent wants a child does not mean that they will recognize and meet the child’s needs. Just because a person wants a child does not mean they will be a good parent. In fact, a person’s desperation for a child may be an indication that they are deep in a fantasy overlay. And that if reality does not align with that fantasy overlay, the child may pay dearly for it.