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#93

Whose torch am I carrying and why?

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From "100 Of The Most Powerful Questions You Can Ask Yourself"

Nothing has the power to completely alter perspective and therefore your thoughts and actions and life quite like a question. Inquiry leads to understanding. The quality of the answers we arrive at, correspond directly to the quality of question we ask. The better the question, the better the answer. One of the most important things to realize about a question is that a person learns far, far more from the process and work involved in answering a question than from the answer itself. This is why spiritual teachers throughout history (including myself) have tended to pose so many questions to their students rather than to simply offer a direct answer. For this reason, I have selected a collection of 100 of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself.

Make sure to take time to carefully consider each question that is posed in order to meaningfully answer them. And don’t forget to come back to these questions again and again throughout your life, especially whenever you are feeling stuck, because the answers will most likely change over the course of your life and also cause you to change your course in life.

- Teal Swan


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On a subconscious level I carry a torch of society- their views and I do it because it makes me feels safe, in comfort, being provided for......deeply and courageously I carry the torch of my inner knowing feeling to help of teal Swan, oneness consciousness and dream within of living with like minded people, off the grid, intensively in the healing work and spreading the fruits of that to the world.

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My moms approval and expectations, to not let her down so I can have that “special relationship” and sense of belonging, to feel temporary self esteem and pride sense of self and purpose which is nonetheless completely false, if I wouldn’t do this I’d feel directionless like my compass keeps spinning round and round and round and I’m full of fear it feels like dying and I’m running away from it by doing this.

actually I could insert anyone in here that I ever had awareness of and I will self insert what I think would please that person fictional and non fictional. 

 

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I don't really get this question. But the previous comments help. Um I think a torch for truth? Or for everyone's emotions to be recognized and validated. Maybe because I can help others get in touch with their feelings? I'm already on this path so this is getting it more clear.  

But I guess the shadow torch would be...my family (like siblings and dead parents)...like I keep wanting them to love me for me. And they repeatedly are never available for that. 

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I carry my own torch because otherwise no one will carry it for me. And the last thing I want is to carry someone else's torch. I'm also a kind of person who could use this torch as a weapon on occasion. Angry at people and society

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none. it's not even extinguished, it was never lit to begin with. In fact, all of me is extinguished now. I'm over this. just cant do this shit anymore. I'm tired of living. Tired of trying. Tired of being worthless. Tired of everything. Just tired. Tired of coming back to this shit planet and shit existence, just to learn that I'm in shit shape and beyond repair. To hell with it. All this shit is pointless. I did ALL THIS just to come back to this shit and realise that. I'm done.

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I did not get this question either so for anyone who wants to know

carrying a torch- to secretly and/or unrequitedly love someone and not let it go (whatever the hell love means, even Teal has two different meanings for it, trust me I have studied her work for literal years look at her articles "What is Love" and " Unconditional Love, How to Love Unconditionally" both are good articles just confusing.... is love taking someone as part of the self or is it unconditional positive focus, it cannot be "and" conciousness and be both some things need a definition...that and a few other things make me think Teal makes shit up on the fly sometimes.....ok semi-tangential rant over)

I guess all the famous people who have what I want. Have all of the needs met I want met etc. Seem like superior people in society. 

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I feel the burden of carrying humanity's and the environment's torch. I feel pressure; feel like there's not enough time left to do what "needs to be done", like I have a difficult mission to fulfill, even though I'd much rather spend my time doing something fun.

I feel that I must succeed. There's a deep nervousness and fear of failure in me and those are the only things motivating me to strive towards my mission. If not for that, I'd just chillax.

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I carry the torch of my father and his father, my grandfather, who was in WW2, a soldier, fighting in Poland and Russia. I feel his energy in my father, hurting me and in me, hurting myself. His wounds, his rage, his brutality, his cholerical behavior, his aggression. And still, I carry this torch, long time without knowing about the reason. But now I understand, that he was betrayed about his life. I understand why he became an offender. My system knew all the time, I was long term fighting against my wish to stand up for him and fighting against my own system. Now I understand him being also a victim of war-system. 

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I carry my torch for me and the next generations I have an amazing understanding of how trauma affects a child and how it gets carried on through generations if I do the hard work break that link Each year the transgenerational trauma will get that bit better and hopefully one day humanity will be free of it,

it has to start somewhere and I’m willing to do it

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The Hyde name and the Dna of my ancestors.  The why? When i figure out why organic life lives to reproduce i will get back to you on that one.

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I'm carrying the family torch, I'm everyone's dark side, I am the villain.

cause I've been the supposed to be a minimi version of my parents child (who would make my family look good) and the scapegoated child at the same time, aswell. 

I think, I've become a highly destructive individual. 

I remained the scapegoat, and casted most of the positive traits within me out my parents own and tried to instill within me, and took on negative traits they own, it's a passive try to make them see and change and wake up. 

But I'm honestly done with them. For good. It's more like a coping mechanism. 

I've been homeless a couple of times over the last 2 years, and I needed them. (I didn't want them) and they used me the same way if not worse, so where "good"XD

Or more like never going to be:) 

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I'm carrying a torch for Teal at the moment--for whatever reason my subconscious is projecting my anima onto her. When this happens it's like the other person is living inside my head--a ghost, a phantasm, a hollogram. But a perfect, idealized version--no flaws.

When I was young all I wanted was for somebody to love me; now all I want is to find somebody to love.

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The torch that I’m carrying is also one of Teal’s and it’s really hardwired, because I don’t want to admit that I like someone. If I admit to it, I feel like I wouldn’t have the back up of this community, at least during the time that I’m with them. That’s what I’m most afraid of if I admit that I like them. 

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Everyone's who hurt or gaslighted me. 

Some social worker from cps, my narcissistic abusive ex, my mom's, my dad's, my brothers maybe too... 

Because I don't want to carry my own, because I'm to bad and wrong, so beeing with myself makes anyways no sense. This is how my mother treated me throughout childhood. In alot of ways I treat myself the way she did, breadcrumb myself intense starvation pattern, belittle bully and induce intense shame and fear into me, not beeing with my feelings. Beeing left alone. 

Why did I make it so that cps got involved when I gave birth. This is a question I really avoided asking and answering. But it desperately wants to be heard because there's so much hurt. 

Because it was me who did that. And I didnt understand just till now. 

I had like 2 chances to not have that happen. 

2 times my feelings told me to be careful and do what keeps cps away. 

2 times my subconscious mind pulled a switch on me and just went for it against my feelings. 

And even before that I did things to make this happen. 

I had 1 thought I remember cause it was all like real quick, in the wink of an eye. "no I don't want to be responsible all on my own for how all of this went" 

And this is due to my mother. 

And this hurts so much because she and I both of us never let me have what I truly actually want or desire, every movie I liked landed in the garbage "demonic, spiritistical" or you are to obsessed over this. My favorite Mulan hairclips I stroke them every night before bed, they gave me power and strength through everything, after she new that she swapped them with some other girls toy (she gifted to my brother) and not one, all of them, I told all in the occasion they could have any of my things except these hairclips. But no... And afterwards on our way home as I started and couldn't stop myself from crying, I got slapped in the face I should be quiet what's wrong with me. Than in the evening my brother he felt like real special cause both of em hurt me. And when I told her how than this toy should belong to me not to my brother, a little bit higtend, her voice was pitched higher reminding me of snake, like this was secretly giving her real pleasure, she said: I should learn how not everything is all about me. (oh how as a grown woman I'd hit that woman so hard in her face) 

I also had one actual friend in school I started to spend all my time with as much as possible I sincerely appreciated her. My mother started beeing like this friend is not good for you, knowingly what would happen, she forced me to ask my friends mother weither she is a prostitute cause she wasn't extremely modest. I did that also knowing how offensive that was, not wanting to do it, still got invited. My mom wasn't happy with that. Forced me to obey her. I wasn't allowed to be her friend anymore. 

Oh and when my grandma got sick she didn't tell me just shortly before her death, and she didn't let me spend time with her. 

My mom wanted one of us kids to stroke and massage her feet, and I desperately wanted to do it cause I craved closeness and belonging with her, beeing rejected all the time (my brothers didn't want to do it) she said: hmm okay. After 20 sec. She told me to stop with an air of disgust, my touch doesn't feel good, I'm incapable of doing it. I plead to please let me and sat there with silent tears filled up my throat and entire chest. Then she pressured my golden child brother into doing it.

When I was like around 2ish, couldn't yet talk we had visitors and I wanted to be with them and say hello, she put me onto the balcony and locked the door and closed the curtains after screaming and protesting didn't get me what I want I decided to play with bubbles, when I rubbed them into my eyes and screamed and cried cause it hurt, it took real long for mom to come. I was like real angry crying for her all the time. And she tapped my head Wich made me more angry. And than she just put me into a craddle. She didn't care to comfort me at all. And I just cried and cried myself to sleep feeling entirely alone and abandoned for good. 

My mom never let me be alive or have what I desire. Me neither, Wich is my life is a list of failures. This is why cps was there when I birthed my child. And I did that to myself

 And I am like really hurt. 

If a child can't meet their needs directly they will try to find manipulative ways. (and sometimes on a real subconscious level and not that realistic) 

So when you can't get what you need from your mother you try to get it from someone else, who's an authority figure. Another authority figure should give me what I want. So as to break that starvation pattern. 

And I subconsciously knew all of this was a disaster, while having contractions I hummed that song from pans labyrinth to my baby and kept whispering sorry, because I was so irresponsible and felt like birthing him into darkness. And I didn't want all of that.

How was I going to be able to handle this, cps coming everyday to my house for 6 weeks post partum. With all the bullying and beeing austracized and punished and what not by authority and peers. How should I have felt safe enough to properly bond and decide: I can do this. What do yall think how these people treated me, I asked twice if they would help me a little with chores, no this is not their job, they are just there to control me. Quote on quote. This is not natural. Not natural. It's against humenness and nature. 

Yall know why this is😂 because I'm not good enough, I don't deserve anything. And most especially I don't deserve a real relationship or intimacy. 

I hurt myself the way I was hurt my entire life. To the Atmost. 

I'm in rage and I'm in vain. And I'm in pain. 

Yall know, I didn't tell my mother everyday crying she should leave my father he's the impersonification of Satan. Nooo.. Never happened. She also didn't almost killed me beating me so hard I was literally black and couldn't talk or breath or stand or eat or be awake. I'm not real. I don't exist. I never existed. 

Cps treated me just like my mother. 

When my son was 3 month old I stood in the middle of the room crying we don't mean anything to anyone. 

You want to belong to people, you can't own your best interests, you can't belong to yourself, you can't be authentic. You will hurt everyone will tear you down and rip you apart. 

Cause I don't get to have boundarys. I might aswell just simply not exist. 

And this is the lighter part, there's more darker stuff to all of this. 

 

I want to fuck all this, run away, never come back, 

And I want people to hurt and to bleed severely. 

I will forever be this way cause it's a testimony of the love I had for my child. 

Forever. 

Yall go fuck yourselves. 😂

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Everyone's narcissistic and a broken child. 

Noone cares for life. 

Humankind might aswell go extinct, who cares?!:) 

 

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