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#86

What have I lost?

(Answer In The Comments Below )
From "100 Of The Most Powerful Questions You Can Ask Yourself"

Nothing has the power to completely alter perspective and therefore your thoughts and actions and life quite like a question. Inquiry leads to understanding. The quality of the answers we arrive at, correspond directly to the quality of question we ask. The better the question, the better the answer. One of the most important things to realize about a question is that a person learns far, far more from the process and work involved in answering a question than from the answer itself. This is why spiritual teachers throughout history (including myself) have tended to pose so many questions to their students rather than to simply offer a direct answer. For this reason, I have selected a collection of 100 of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself.

Make sure to take time to carefully consider each question that is posed in order to meaningfully answer them. And don’t forget to come back to these questions again and again throughout your life, especially whenever you are feeling stuck, because the answers will most likely change over the course of your life and also cause you to change your course in life.

- Teal Swan


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I've lost the way of love.. Been so good at suppressing, disowning, disconnecting and beating myself under the ground. Even feeling proud of how cold and disconnected I can get.. I've met love but always turned away from it. It was too damn hard. Now I see it as an loss. 

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My phone and my wallet. I used to loose them multiple times a day but come to think of it, I haven't lost either of them in many, many weeks now! I must be more present in reality now!

 

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The time to grow as a child, to be loved and to explore life with child like innocence, the ability to develop confidence so that I could find my passions and help make the world a gentler more loving place.. my daughter who I failed because of my lack of emotional intelligence.. my husband who I found later in life and who I adored.. and there is more to lose if I don’t figure this out now

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What have I lost? Sense of control. I always had this fixation of being passive aggressive or having the feeling and need to control everything in my life. When I learned the art of allowing things to flow natural in my life and those that I allow around me. I soon became aware of stoicism. Even when I'm hurting. It's not about me. It's about others. We were created in numbers for a reason. As this hivemind of collective consciousness, I have learned to rely on that motive to get me by. I can be independent while not being codependent. However, through my thoughts, words and actions I can totally understand now why things are happening the way they are. I am not this invincible being. Just because everything in my life (that is borrowed) doesn't make me a God. Nor does it make me more inferior then another here on earth...what i lost is that control. Allowing spirit to guide me to where I need to go. 

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My mind, my heart, my integrity, my self. My peace, my sense of security, my health, my self trust, the believe in my life, hope, happiness, the ability to have relationships, intimacy, joy, intelligence, life, love, meaning, my voice, truth, the ability to learn, 

If one would ask the question what have you done with your life, the answer would be: I have lost. 

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Fiancé and several friends and family that transitioned out of being alive; that childlike self confidence and authenticity no matter the reaction it provokes in others; little kids (before any life trauma)  naturally embody who they are and their unique talents, unapologetically!

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What if I would like to believe I've transcended the idea of loss traded it I to learn the art of gracefully letting go? I lost all my possessions once, fabulous french provincial furniture with a for poster canopy bed that I'd gotten from my late grandmother all of my memories souvenirs trinkets photographs yearbooks memories all my favorite clothes all the shoes I loved home decor everything from my kitchen lifetime worth of arts and crafts supplies all I got was my dog and his accessories. He's like my soulmate bff, he's definitely some type of spirit guide incarnate here on Earth just for me the way he came to me I just know he was brought here just for me and then a couple years later I ended up having to give him up my baby my heart my soul my sunshine he said of an animal shelter for 9 months and breaks my heart and gets away at my soul I miss him like crazy every day, I have reoccurring dreams that I'm looking for him and I can't find him or he's just out of reach or I'm a day late and a dollar short but I know focusing on the loss and the feeling of guilt that I have isnt going to get me anywhere obviously I feel guilty for letting him down I promised him forever no matter what the first promise I ever made that I really truly felt deep in my heart and soul. Thinking about breaking that promise gives me a wretched feeling like I'm being gutted alive and somehow I have to move on but all I can see is his face looking over his shoulder back at me

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I am no longer carrying the weight of beliefs, truths and ideas of others that wernt mine to begin with, return to sender, Ill decide my truth and go after my happiness unapologetically, though its important not to take something important from others or myself in the process, that would be selfish. 

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Belonging

Here is a song to open you up to your negative, sad feelings and your unmet needs and comfort you at the same time. 

https://youtu.be/B3Z4XGAxJB0?si=jnNxyUi1akdDv_Bd

I feel utterly alone. I do alot to gaslight my feelings away all the time.. But it only lasts so long. The pretense of how everything is fine and I'm good all alone, breaks away. 

I want Teal to be like the mother I never had... After watching her video about your inner parents a couple of years ago, I placed an inner Teal voice as my mother, to parent me.

This is how alone I feel. And possibly the main reason I'm posting all of this personal stuff on here. Desperate.

Same or even worse goes for a father figure and the lack thereof.XD

It feels like a hole Wich can't be filled. Like whatever I do, it crawls back up. I feel unable to replace what I never had and still need, and still don't have. 

And I feel lost. (this is probably what makes it so much worse) 

But I felt lost as a child aswell, if not to say forsaken. 

I feel forsaken, it's like I know it almost. 

And I want alot of people around me all the time. I want to share a bedroom with 5 people, let it be strangers. And I fucking hate the world I live in. It's cold. I'm in pain. How can everyone just be for themselves, how can anyone just look away. 

And I feel like, I don't deserve feelings, or needs, because I'm evil, Wich is why I'm forsaken. 

It's so easy, so easy. I'm evil, I don't deserve anything. I want to die. Cause I don't know. Cause I'm like starving of connection. And I don't know I'm sorry I did this to myself. And I don't even know why. 

Here is the song again

https://youtu.be/B3Z4XGAxJB0?si=jnNxyUi1akdDv_Bd

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