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#34

What am I pretending to not know?

(Answer In The Comments Below )
From "100 Of The Most Powerful Questions You Can Ask Yourself"

Nothing has the power to completely alter perspective and therefore your thoughts and actions and life quite like a question. Inquiry leads to understanding. The quality of the answers we arrive at, correspond directly to the quality of question we ask. The better the question, the better the answer. One of the most important things to realize about a question is that a person learns far, far more from the process and work involved in answering a question than from the answer itself. This is why spiritual teachers throughout history (including myself) have tended to pose so many questions to their students rather than to simply offer a direct answer. For this reason, I have selected a collection of 100 of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself.

Make sure to take time to carefully consider each question that is posed in order to meaningfully answer them. And don’t forget to come back to these questions again and again throughout your life, especially whenever you are feeling stuck, because the answers will most likely change over the course of your life and also cause you to change your course in life.

- Teal Swan


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I am pretending to not know that the person I love so deeply simply does not love me to the same intensity that I desire or deserve.

I pretend that I have no knowledge of the fact that; regardless, of his )or anyones) understanding to the value of my presence and the genuine love I give does not make myself or my love any less valuable.
I refuse to know i am worthy of love, appreciation, and acceptance regardless of any one’s external validations of it. 

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The truth. That my problems are a result of my thoughts. I use negative emotional thinking as a strategy to escape my life. Basically Im scapegoating myself. Its a very destructive coping mechanism. 

Because I am afraid.

I dont know what I am afraid of. 

Of the silence?

The truth.

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That things are fine, and are going to be ok.

When they are never going to be ok ever again.

Because I cant accept this and move on with life.

And I dont want it to be true. Because it hurts.

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I am pretending that I don't remember.

I am pretending that I don't know what I want, on a soul level.

I am pretending that I don't know how to heal.

I am pretending that I don't know how to relax and surrender.

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I think that at this moment in my life, ie. the time I've personally experienced and has continued into the moment I have right now.. I actually know a lot more about myself than I'm giving the awareness, credit, and understanding for, and the fact that I haven't taken the step to sit with myself in a therapeutic, self-study structured session (parts-work or other self-inquiry resources -specifically ones I've received from Teal's work- comes to mind as what I could do or would/ will need to do) I'm disadvantaging myself because the usefulness of being able to use myself as a resource and feel the security of trust within myself to navigate, interact with and express myself in my current experience is inhibiting me from seeing my progression or ability to continually expand in a natural way that's based on the human experience of living moment-to-moment and growing through the relationship with life as-it-happens sort of thing and I'm inhibiting my presence, self-love and level of connection with the beautiful people I have around me right now, not truly feeling the essence of the real-time experience I'm having with them. So, I think I've been ""lying"" to myself by not fully allowing, attuning to, or focusing presence into my brain to hear out the thoughts that have been tapping into my mind/ awareness about what the amount of healed states are that I'm already experiencing, how these healed parts of me are assisting me now and how I can utilize the method of therapy I've already done and apply that into deepening my understanding of this, to give the recognition to the parts of myself who are ready for and needing that and for furthering my presence in my reality. 

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How fucked and doomed I am. 

It's like I digged my own grave.. And I digged it so deep I don't know weither I will be able to climb out it really feels like a no. 

That I am a bad person unworthy of breath. 

I'm full of shit. 

So now there's alot of pretenceXD and denial. 

But I know. I know. 

 

The question isn't what do I pretend to not know. 

The question is: why am I still alive? Why am I still doing this.

 

Possibly I could get out of the grave I digged.. And it would most definitely be worth it (and also needed). But those stains on me from all the mud could never wash away. And really do I want to live with that. With that mark on me, with that shame. 

If I return to the living how can I not hate myself, not condemn myself, forgive myself. How.

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How im in a dark place and I need to discipline myself and priorities my actual values and work on my life. Instead of creating and attracting more chaos and distractions:) 

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