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#94

What am I running from and what am I rushing toward and why?

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From "100 Of The Most Powerful Questions You Can Ask Yourself"

Nothing has the power to completely alter perspective and therefore your thoughts and actions and life quite like a question. Inquiry leads to understanding. The quality of the answers we arrive at, correspond directly to the quality of question we ask. The better the question, the better the answer. One of the most important things to realize about a question is that a person learns far, far more from the process and work involved in answering a question than from the answer itself. This is why spiritual teachers throughout history (including myself) have tended to pose so many questions to their students rather than to simply offer a direct answer. For this reason, I have selected a collection of 100 of the most powerful questions that you can ask yourself.

Make sure to take time to carefully consider each question that is posed in order to meaningfully answer them. And don’t forget to come back to these questions again and again throughout your life, especially whenever you are feeling stuck, because the answers will most likely change over the course of your life and also cause you to change your course in life.

- Teal Swan


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What am i running from?

Currently...: myself. I guess. Why?..I guess i see many things i don't like. I don't want to feel the pain that i have caused myself. And right now the extreme overwhelming pain of the lose of dancing as it was. I guess running from life, ..because part of me feels there is no life without dancing anymore...

But i am now at least able to begin to face reality as i can't go on like this. It is making me sick, and there is no way i can last like this till i am 70. I can't continue being "alive" and just 'existing' not 'living' any longer. It is killing me..

I have come to realise that dance actually served me,.....greatly. However it provided nearly ALL aspects of life that were not met elsewhere. (Physical touch, connection with self and others, expression, a SAFE place to be vulnerable and emote. Feeling...Alive. Completely in the moment). And now i can see,...hmm,, what feels like a monumental task of now working on and finding all the things that Dance served a purpose for...probably most of my life. But i know i can do this,...and i have to do this.....I am going to die otherwise. I can't do this anymore, live like this. Since the lose, i have shut down the past 6 years part of myself, but even worse the last 3 years where i made the decision to come and live back in the area i am from.

I can NEVER thrive here. Well, no, maybe i can grow and learn things here, but not thrive. I feel like i need to rebuild my whole life and its alot of work. Also difficult when dance was your life purpose and now.....what do i do. Is that still my life purpose or was it just a drug to soothe everything. I know that is a special part of me, in ability to feel the rhythm music and flow through me. But i need to focus on getting those needs met elsewhere e.g. a relationship (Dance was my one and ONLY love forever, and i planned that till the day i would die. My image was to die dancing on a mountaintop..; i guess this could still happen in the future as an old person...lol. Real connection with others who align. Creative expression> although i guess this can still be done through dancing alongside other expressions eg art- as it would be for myself and still serve a great purpose of release.

...Physical Touch.....'oh god' is what im thinking in my head......So i think that demonstrates to myself that work really is extremely important to life. Which i am acutely aware off. The lack thereoff. For the majority of my life. I need to..address that trauma and take steps to connect with that again. I just worry because its fine with safe people but not unsafe people. Well then--- i guess i just need to find safe people places and groups etc where i can connect physically and be "safe".

 

Okay, reeling it back into the question.

What am i rushing toward......?

'Oh f*ck.' was my thought..........Well when i felt i had "life" i was rushing towards dance, but i guess that was an escape as much as the positive things. Since 6 years ago i have rushed towards nothing, and the last 3 have NOT MOVED. Fuuuuuck. It makes me want to scream. But thank god i reconnected with my reality, am beginning to reconnect to reality/the self/my life etc. and rediscovered Teal's work manymany years after seeing her videos as a student- when i was connected to my self a lot more. Seeing them on Youtube Shorts woke me up. And also came at a time when i guess i was ready to wake up and at the point of not being able to live like this anymore- this dead empty shell, not feeling like my life is my own. Going through the motions till the day i die. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. But now i have realised, oh fuk, i have wondered Waaay "off track" for my self and truth that there is alot of work and hard work, painful to 'get in alignment' with myself again.

So,....... i guess i don't feel like i am yet rushing towards anything, but i have now at least taken my self tied blindfold off and am slowly talking slightly scared steps to a path ' in alignment' with myself. There is a fear, but i think my steps will speed up and i will i hope be rushing towards Life> Living.

{p.p.s. haha feeling like i want to delete this as its personal and my inner thoughts and vulnerable, and have feels thinking it makes me look weak or a loser because i am admitting or showing others my weakness or fukups. But, i will keep it up as a challenge of actually exposing my shit. Because if i hide it, it will fester, and then also if noone else knows how disconnected for life, joy, my heart, my soul then i can stay in a vault of death whilst living. And i don't want, i cannot do that anymore. Haha, and im also thinking - you should keep this for your diary, noone wants to read this hahahah)

Edited by KA333
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On 6/15/2021 at 2:13 PM, April Park said:

I am running from intimacy, rushing towards success. Based on my experiences, love was never stable. The one thing that was stable in my life was music and my love towards music. I guess ultimately what I want is stability. I feel like a intimate relationship would somehow break my stability with music. And that is the last thing I want to lose. I am so f**king afraid.

I feel similar about this towards dance as you do with music.

I feel like it was all consuming for me(it fed my soul)> that it didn't leave any room for a life outside of dance.

..its a difficult one. Why can't we have both. And yes dance (in my case) provided me with nearly everything- it could never give me what another Human being, human body can..>...which is scary, but i feel like i have dismissed the need for another, when i feel the Human experience, to be mentally/emotionally/physically fully 'healthy', not just part healthy, does need connection with another that is not a 'thing' e.g. like dance, music etc.

Xx

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On 3/4/2022 at 7:28 PM, RAMSKULL said:

I’ll just say that either one of those dynamics would be advances in positive directions from the stagnation & molasses momentum that largely characterizes my behavior as of late. 

Yes, i feel the static death feeling. And it is getting so uncomfortable that i am now thinking of a way out. Action is on the way/ very very slowly beginning.

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On 7/13/2022 at 6:04 PM, KA333 said:

I feel similar about this towards dance as you do with music.

I feel like it was all consuming for me(it fed my soul)> that it didn't leave any room for a life outside of dance.

..its a difficult one. Why can't we have both. And yes dance (in my case) provided me with nearly everything- it could never give me what another Human being, human body can..>...which is scary, but i feel like i have dismissed the need for another, when i feel the Human experience, to be mentally/emotionally/physically fully 'healthy', not just part healthy, does need connection with another that is not a 'thing' e.g. like dance, music etc.

Xx

Hi how are you?

I’ve posted that about a year ago and at that time I was just at the beginning of a romantic relationship which I am still in. I was so afraid of losing that stability with music by making space for the other person and committing to the relationship. Now looking back, I feel like the stability I had with music was not stable at all. I see that I was holding onto music because there was nothing else to hold onto. I was so afraid of dependency that I made no room for other people. Now that I have an actual stable relationship, I am not so desperate to get better or succeed in music. Which I think is actually helpful for creativity, for it to come from a place of inspiration, not of desperation. I feel like for me, having a stable relationship is better than anything else in this world. Even though it’s scary like hell (I still have literal late night panic attacks sometimes because of my fears towards men and intimate relationships), it’s worth it.

I believe you can sure have both. We need the arts, AND we sure as hell need intimate connections with other human beings too. Maybe if a secure relationship with another human being makes you happy but breaks your connection with dance, it wasn’t a stable connection to begin with. (But you can always rebuild the connection with your craft with a stronger foundation!)

I don’t know if this helped at all. I hope it did in some way. After all though, I was just sharing my story. Thank you for replying and sharing yours. It really inspired me to reflect back on last year.

I hope you have a great life! May you have all the things you need and want. 💛

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