KA333

1.17😢😓😭,.... ❤️

Yes! Singing. Love singing and rapping,..but i feel unable to do so living in a building with paperthin walls atm.

Yes, that's true for myself actually. I love when i am able to bring people to laughter and fun 😄 Harmless pranks and roleplay haha

Oh yes! Indeed, i love finding people whom you can both talk about deep stuff together with and neither of you are phased (scared,put off,over dramatic) by speaking the truth of feelings

(hahaha...*warning....this i do write essay long replies*....i guess i use this as my Q&A journal since i have been doing it for a while in real time) What makes me feel great about myself? Hmm,...my initial thought was....i don't know. I have to think about it. ...i'm thinking... ..hmm,..does anything make me feel great about myself... fuk...if i don't have an answer for this that is sad. Surely there must be something Katy. Have a longer deeper think.... Well i think because i don't feel great about myself that is an initial hindrance to the question. ..Have i ever felt great about myself?.. well i guess, yes. When i used to dance. More specifically when i had a routine nailed down and it was one i enjoyed that i could express alot of emotion in. When i knew/felt like i was doing well and had an audience or people watching ho could appreciate my expression. In my adult life when have ever felt great about myself..apart from that? "Great about myself". That's a pretty specific phrase. There have been fleeting moments e.g. getting accepted after an audition into a course (which turned out to be hell). But other things of celebration have not been fully really for my sake. Yes i passed my driving test recently (late learner)...but it felt good, not great.. as it wasn't the motivation from myself but pressure from family. ffs. Ahh jessus, seriously,....that's sad man, how can i not think of any other time "I have felt great about myself". Jeez....i think i need to work on self-esteem more than i realised. But also like....how can you feel great without achieving something. I mean would that not, for myself i feel like, have to come from achievement. ..? Hmm... i guess no actually it doesn't have too. I guess feeling great about oneself doesn't need to be conditional to 'achieving' something. I mean the question "When do you feel great?" is different and maybe a bit easier to answer than "When do you feel great about oneself?"... I am trying to think when the last time i genuinely felt this way was. Oh wait i remember the last time- it was 2018!...................4 years ago............hmm....Katy...that makes me sad....i don't want you to go so long between spells of feeling great about yourself.....I am sorry you feel that way>not necessarily bad- but just never better than ok...Just a middle ground. Hm,, i guess that is much better than the majority of 13-28 when alot of that time- certainly not all- was self hating, self destructive. Yes so i was saying, 2018. I took part in a fun Charity race with the Ladies from work. I loved it, the endorphins got flowing and i enjoy physicality,..or maybe used too enjoy it more before i started feeling pain in my body- my knees. But yea, such a high from that, and also i kept a good pace. Myself and a colleague broke of from the rest of the group who were taking it easy (all abilities could take part), and we ran together supporting each other in going forward. And i enjoyed supporting her, especially towards the end i was like someone you can do it!, we can do it!, we are nearly there! And then i said come on, and took her hand as we crossed the finish line together! (which for me is funny as i am competitive person, but we felt more like a team than two single people running with each other). Was such a good day. Felt great after the accomplishment. Keeping pace, only slowing to a walk once for a short time on an incline, to supporting each other to keep going, the high from the endorphins, the fresh air, pushing through the struggle of the body being pushed to its limits. And haha being the first two back from our workplace haha,..by quite a wee bit. #stillloveabitofcompetitionespeciallywheniamonthewiningedge ahha . Okay well, i'll leave it there. Except,..maybe i can think of what's one step i can take to help me "feel great about myself" going forward. Hm....hahah i was going to say more regular showers hahaha.... But i think i know what i need to do. Find one thing, any physical activity that i ENJOY and does not at this point harm my body e.g. injurious/hard on the knees and do it once a week. Hmm, i am already feeling resistance to this,...and now fear....because of past health things.....Hmm,,,, okay lets aim to start once a month i think Katy can help you to work on feeling good in your body and take it from there if you want to build on it. Which very highly likely as soon as i return to any form of fitness after a very long hiatus i will feel very strongly...(as a secondary- to spend money wilfully on a physio to assess things so can go forward with much more ease also). But superseding all of the above in the last paragraph is i need to get out of here. I need to make sacrifices temporarily for the next few months to get out of this flat. Where you live can have a massive impact on your life. I find it difficult to make sacrifices especially when it comes to food choices etc. for financial reasons but, BUT Katy> it doesn't mean you need to eat cheap junk. There are ways around it, and you know that. We are close> next month there will hopefully by then be enough to drop a deposit, first month, moving company. If i commit to the sacrifices. Short term pain long term gain..

Yes, i feel the static death feeling. And it is getting so uncomfortable that i am now thinking of a way out. Action is on the way/ very very slowly beginning.

I feel similar about this towards dance as you do with music. I feel like it was all consuming for me(it fed my soul)> that it didn't leave any room for a life outside of dance. ..its a difficult one. Why can't we have both. And yes dance (in my case) provided me with nearly everything- it could never give me what another Human being, human body can..>...which is scary, but i feel like i have dismissed the need for another, when i feel the Human experience, to be mentally/emotionally/physically fully 'healthy', not just part healthy, does need connection with another that is not a 'thing' e.g. like dance, music etc. Xx

What am i running from? Currently...: myself. I guess. Why?..I guess i see many things i don't like. I don't want to feel the pain that i have caused myself. And right now the extreme overwhelming pain of the lose of dancing as it was. I guess running from life, ..because part of me feels there is no life without dancing anymore... But i am now at least able to begin to face reality as i can't go on like this. It is making me sick, and there is no way i can last like this till i am 70. I can't continue being "alive" and just 'existing' not 'living' any longer. It is killing me.. I have come to realise that dance actually served me,.....greatly. However it provided nearly ALL aspects of life that were not met elsewhere. (Physical touch, connection with self and others, expression, a SAFE place to be vulnerable and emote. Feeling...Alive. Completely in the moment). And now i can see,...hmm,, what feels like a monumental task of now working on and finding all the things that Dance served a purpose for...probably most of my life. But i know i can do this,...and i have to do this.....I am going to die otherwise. I can't do this anymore, live like this. Since the lose, i have shut down the past 6 years part of myself, but even worse the last 3 years where i made the decision to come and live back in the area i am from. I can NEVER thrive here. Well, no, maybe i can grow and learn things here, but not thrive. I feel like i need to rebuild my whole life and its alot of work. Also difficult when dance was your life purpose and now.....what do i do. Is that still my life purpose or was it just a drug to soothe everything. I know that is a special part of me, in ability to feel the rhythm music and flow through me. But i need to focus on getting those needs met elsewhere e.g. a relationship (Dance was my one and ONLY love forever, and i planned that till the day i would die. My image was to die dancing on a mountaintop..; i guess this could still happen in the future as an old person...lol. Real connection with others who align. Creative expression> although i guess this can still be done through dancing alongside other expressions eg art- as it would be for myself and still serve a great purpose of release. ...Physical Touch.....'oh god' is what im thinking in my head......So i think that demonstrates to myself that work really is extremely important to life. Which i am acutely aware off. The lack thereoff. For the majority of my life. I need to..address that trauma and take steps to connect with that again. I just worry because its fine with safe people but not unsafe people. Well then--- i guess i just need to find safe people places and groups etc where i can connect physically and be "safe". Okay, reeling it back into the question. What am i rushing toward......? 'Oh f*ck.' was my thought..........Well when i felt i had "life" i was rushing towards dance, but i guess that was an escape as much as the positive things. Since 6 years ago i have rushed towards nothing, and the last 3 have NOT MOVED. Fuuuuuck. It makes me want to scream. But thank god i reconnected with my reality, am beginning to reconnect to reality/the self/my life etc. and rediscovered Teal's work manymany years after seeing her videos as a student- when i was connected to my self a lot more. Seeing them on Youtube Shorts woke me up. And also came at a time when i guess i was ready to wake up and at the point of not being able to live like this anymore- this dead empty shell, not feeling like my life is my own. Going through the motions till the day i die. I CAN'T DO IT. I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE. But now i have realised, oh fuk, i have wondered Waaay "off track" for my self and truth that there is alot of work and hard work, painful to 'get in alignment' with myself again. So,....... i guess i don't feel like i am yet rushing towards anything, but i have now at least taken my self tied blindfold off and am slowly talking slightly scared steps to a path ' in alignment' with myself. There is a fear, but i think my steps will speed up and i will i hope be rushing towards Life> Living. {p.p.s. haha feeling like i want to delete this as its personal and my inner thoughts and vulnerable, and have feels thinking it makes me look weak or a loser because i am admitting or showing others my weakness or fukups. But, i will keep it up as a challenge of actually exposing my shit. Because if i hide it, it will fester, and then also if noone else knows how disconnected for life, joy, my heart, my soul then i can stay in a vault of death whilst living. And i don't want, i cannot do that anymore. Haha, and im also thinking - you should keep this for your diary, noone wants to read this hahahah)