Ask Yourself...

I tend to chronically assume that I am unlovable 

That its all unreal and most likely, fucked up life anyway. 

I think I assume that if I’m triggered in some way, whatever I feel in the moment about what’s happening present time is invalid. 

i think sometimes I scapegoat my trauma and blame my emotions on “triggers” so that I can get away with feeling angry at someone. (Because I still have it ingrained in me that anger is bad, that anger will get me isolated.) 

So instead of owning up to my anger to a present day situation, I explain it away by saying it’s “just a trigger” and that I need to be healed then I wouldn’t feel that way about someone again. 
 

I feel this way about my roommate and one of my ex-friends. It’s a way to make my anger out to be something wrong with me, instead of actually looking at what’s angering me in the situation. 
 

oof… this one is hard. 

Oh so many. 

Assumption I make very often is that I don't deserve good things. But its so deep in me that sometimes when someone is actually really nice to me I start to see ugliness in them. Probably a defense mechanism protecting me from receiving that I still percieve as a dangerous bond. 

Other assumption I make very often is that I put people above me. Deliberately making my value smaller then theirs. Assuming they know more than I do, have more skills and abilities than I do. So I abandon my own self, my own wisdom and intuition.

That there are predators in the spiritual realm. 

Always always always the worst case scenario even though I know how self-defeating it is. I used to be so optimistic and things came to me so easily. Everything worked out in my favor with minimal effort on my part. But after 6 years of one horrible thing after the other, I can't seem to get back to that. I'm so freaking frustrated! I feel hopelessly stuck. It's a terrible place to be

I cant heal. I can't be the person I want to be. I'm cursed. I can't go back to who I used to be. My soul is lost for good. I will never experience true happiness or joy again or find myself again or find a place I can consider a home. LOST.

I have another one, wich is kind of the same: I'm evil, I'm the worst person ever.

What if I am the worst person ever?

That others are out to get me. Cause there's something wrong with me. 

You are to defective.

It's a waste working on you, or your life. You have failed all ready many times, you gonna fail, there's enough proof by now. You are the failure. And you're not worth it. 

Don't try so hard, save your energy.

And don't believe in yourself. You'll be disappointed. 

Just give up,

just do what others want you to do. You are not important.

On 8/2/2022 at 1:05 PM, LucyMad said:

That others are out to get me. Cause there's something wrong with me. 

I've got bullied in every school by teachers and students, in church also.

I used to hide in carbage containers, so others wouldn't forcefully put me there. And I also stopped going to school as a teen, sat by pond, and wrote imaginary storys how I have friends, I also started talking to myself. (but I stopped cause I felt, I was loosing touch with reality.)

My first bully was my mom. She was worse than any bully. 

That if I try something that is not determined safe by others and want to follow my gut and go for my self-trust, I will only face failures to prove that I’m wrong.

I am currently working on self worth, the chronic assumption I make is that I must “earn” or compromise on important aspects of myself to gain love, approval and worth rather than realise I am inherently worthy of all I want and need😊. This amplifies and comes into sharp focus within my romantic relationships, which ofcourse at face value seem like disasters😂and they were! BUT! Theres always positive aspects to see, dont forget that guys, learn. 

When anyone is angry, it is my fault and I am in trouble.

When there is a misunderstanding, I am the one who made the mistake.

I am only one hair's distance from being deservedly punished.

Edited May 4, 20233 yr by Kim M
Spelling error

I believe that everyone else knows more than I do.

Whenever anything goes wrong, I must take the blame.

Something bad is just about to happen.

You 'pay' for good times with bad luck.

I always find myself in situations where there is a problem, and I'm instigating that problem, but then I can't fix the problem because I don't want that problem anymore, but don't want to escalate anything; in short, I either stay there like a coward and wait until the last possible second, or I wait a bit and then fix the problem. 

That the universe will not deliver

I've watched myself over the course of time. And deep down, on a very intrinsic level, I found a very strong core believe that I, the authentic me, who I REALY am is so faulty, it doesn't deserve to exist, or breath or anything. And I can only deserve the littlest of something, if I'm exactly how my mother (and others) want me to be, and think I should be. And I should never even try to be authentic. (cause it's like I'm the devils child or something) blue exorcist XD✌️only Rin Okumura actually is authentic.. Wich makes him less a failure. So I guess I'm more like his brother who's inauthentic but to social Standart a success. (only that I'm also a failure when it comes to social Standart) so I guess it's the best of both worldsXD✌️

Now my brother told me I would get pregnant, and I did. He also told me, I will forever fail and destroy, everything I do. Probably yes, right about that also. What he though fails to see is what a narcissistic asshole he turned into.