Paninchen

Just when I think Teal can't teach me more about boundaries and people pleasing and codependency and that kind of thing, she outdoes herself. F**king brilliant.

Oooh. I think this is playing out in my life right now, the need for containment. Especially around feeling happy. I can't regulate my own joy. Whenever I feel very happy I panic that something bad is going to happen. And when it does (usually me getting sick or something) I feel a lot of relief. Now I understand that it might be some kind of container. Like it's not open-ended. It's almost like a border of sorts. OMG mind = blown. What I can't seem to understand is why I didn't have this issue before. If this started in childhood, as Teal says, why I didnt struggle with feeling joy before? I've only been having this issue for the past 3 years. I'm mostly just writing this to give myself an opportunity to process this. Thinking "out loud" in order to digest it.

OMG this is me and I'm Latin American *sigh* I hadn't realized that these attempts I make (loved the mosque analogy, so clear lol) actually make me (feel) MORE lonely. I just need / want someone to validate my reality and to see things the way I see them that I invalidate others and try to change their minds. "Funny" how that works. I cried a lot when I tried to say out loud that I want someone to understand me. It doesn't even feel possible.

Can you be both starving to death and dying to give? I can't nail down which one of the two I am. I'm aware I'm starving but then when I've gotten in relationships with narcissists, I feel I'm a match to them because they're starving way worse than I am and because I so desperately want to be received. But when someone is a giver and takes care of me, I feel SO loved. It's the way I feel the most loved, actually. And when I've been with avoidant-type people, they feel smothered by how much I give to them. And I feel even more starved than when I started the relationship in the first place. Which one am I?