Ask Yourself...

I refuse to accept that this reality is all there is.. Got this spark within me telling me that there's so much more out there.

That I'm happy where I am

That it is temporary. 

I refuse to accept that the physical pain I currently am experiencing is not going to get better.  It will get better.   I refuse to accept this pain.

That it won't change. That I won't get what I want in the end. That the lies I've been told all my life are true. 

That all my problems have been created by me in order to keep me safe or look for a saviour, because I’ve never felt safe. And until I step fully into my unsafety, and allow myself to be completely who I am in raw, I will never be safe. But I’m too scared to do it alone. I want to save myself and others, but by saving myself, I think I’ll make myself and others unsafe. It’s futile. 

The truth. It teaches me something, but where do we go from here? 

Ignorance is bliss.

What I refuse to accept about my reality is that no is ever going to love me like how I love me. What I mean by that is if there is ever another being or soul in this "reality" that could ever catter to me the way I catter to the world. Life would be like paradise. While the matrix is telling me right now I'm a going to work in such a way that is going to work me in the ground, sort of speak. That my "reality" is nothing more then a experiment. Just like a mouse in a maze looking for its cheese. Am I a slave to my own objective being? If I allowed myself to believe strongly enough that "reality" is no more then the very perspective that I give power toward. 

My weaknesses, my mistakes, actual reality. I don't like the way I think of myself and the way I see myself. Sometimes I don't like the way I am. I also refuse to see how done I am and how I'm physically and mentally consistently on the edge of falling apart.

That no part of it actually exists for real (according to your truly abhorrent field).

I refuse to accept that I'm not alone.

I refuse to accept accountability and responsibility and also the consequences for the mistakes I've made, basically some part of reality I just stay away from awareness. I refuse to actually look at my mistakes, I rather play them down, or paint them larger than they actually are.... Like in a pendulum swing, it's about keeping everything like it is, instead of actually changing something. 

This doesn't work very well. 

Edited September 10, 20224 yr by LucyMad
Because.

That I can’t have everything. That the reality of me right now is that I want to be with my boyfriend more than with my friends in that little spare time I have. Not because I don’t like being with my friends, but because I feel more connected and safe with my boyfriend. Because he makes me feel calm. And I need calm and safety to feel safe. Especially when having dealt with anxiety a lot.

That being said I also need my friends. Very badly actually. I need my friends to feel happy, fulfilled and feel like I have an abundant life. I need them in order to smile and feel happy and to feel worry-free and young. But getting there is sometimes hard, because they are as afraid of intimicy as I am. But we are slowly getting there together. I feel that when I put in the effort of really creating more of that closeness. But at the same time, it is hard trying to create it and almost leading the way sometimes, not fully knowing what they are wanting to create, consciously or unconsciously. One of my friends wants that closeness too. Maybe I should just rely on that. Maybe I can talk with them, but talking doesn’t always work. Effort does, but how to find motivation to create something when you feel tired and just want to relax is sometimes a struggle. 

On 11/2/2020 at 3:35 PM, Aja said:

What I refuse to accept about my reality is that what happened in the past can't be changed and I may never get a chance to rectify those mistakes. I may never get a chance to tell that person how much they hurt me and what I really think about them. I will never be able to go back and say that thing I really needed to say but didn't. And there are some people I will most likely never get a chance to finally say I'm sorry to.

İ like what you said. Made me aware of this in myself too

That I can walk away from from expectations and striving to be successful,  whatever that means. 

I feel a constant internal tug of war between not giving a flying fuck and then sliding back into caring that people might see me as a trashy bogan and trying to be what I think seems good or right to other people. 

Then I just want to sell my house and buy a tiny shack on solar,  miles from anyone and grow my own stuff and create. Then the cycle begins again. 

So I guess, what I'm saying is that as much as I cyclically try I'm on the hamster wheel and my soul keeps telling me there's more but my eyes can only see what they see and they tell my brain that there's not. 

That I have the answers and I make this all so much harder than it needs to be

The actual state of the relationship I have with my child. 

And what I lost. 

Strong negative emotions. 

How far off, I am from my inner compass, beeing really really inauthentic ect. That something is really lost for good and hurt about me. (also I'm feeling like that all day everyday)

If I accept that reality, I can't move on. 

And if I can't move on, how can I move on? XD 

Where is all of this gonna go, nowhere. 

Dead End. 

This is serious.

But yes maybe I should accept that because maybe something actually needs to change. Maybe this is more important. Possibly. 

What if i'm going to be in pain for the rest of my life if I'm gonna let that happen, what if it makes everything dreadfully worse and not better.... What if I'm not going to survive that, and die. Like for real from a broken heart. 

My brain is sneaky deciding to be fake and lie (pretend), only to not face this. And just now before I wrote this, I caught myself in the act. 

I hate it SO much to be out of control so much. AFRAID. 

I know all of this is just because of my childhood. 

It's all dumb and anyoying and meaningless and Noone cares.