The day I held an iolite for the first time, and got the biggest soul retrieval of my life.

I had many of them..........

when I thought my mother wanted to kill me when I was 6 years old.

I saw that all life is in the water, and everything has a soul and there is no past nor future, only the present.

when I was 12 my father hit me so badly I was hospitalized.

I realized I have to go my own way and I got quiet and build a whole world for myself within myself where I only listened to myself

When I was 15 and moved away from home into foster care, I realized I dont mean anything to anyone and Im completely alone, I didnt own my feelings I expressed and lived them in destructive ways

When I was 17 and raped with K.O. Drops for 2 Days I became lesbian, and lived with a psychopath for 4 Years in order not to be alone and be safe.

this relationship had a traumatic breaking point, and I experienced an ego death, afterwards I felt like I couldnt lie anymore.

I didnt seperate myself from the wrong people, and didnt resolve my trauma and joined back into the cult I grew up in, where I was austracized ect. again.

I felt like my ego death had been reversed and my heart chakra closed itself and I sacrificed myself again to let those people have a lesson (wich they had) Instead of seperating from these people

Than I isolated myself for a few years, until the point where I lost my mind and went into psychiatry, where I went force loosing my mind.

I didnt really heal, I healed somewhat, but stayed wounded somewhat after this. And went into a spiral of beeing homeless and living with my mom (who is one of those people who really are no good for me)

Than I got pregnant, and the birth of my child has changed my life and also my prioritys, 

security and wellbeeing holds more importance to me now. I am 28

When I came to realize that people are very harmful only to protect their meaningless and worthless self soothing and comforting lies, ego.

My internal Jesus or Buddha got his wires switched went and nailed himself on the cross and didn't come back to life. (but to be honest I feel like this happened way earlier somewhere in my childhood) 

The only ones walking on earth who are different are our Babys. And the get mingled with the second they are out of the womb. 

Life feels pointless, and I am its Nightmare and it's storm. ( I wish I wasXD most of the time in a covert way XD) or a female gorilla who's gone crazy. 

taking LSD for firts time, everything started look and feel different.. 

On 9/25/2021 at 11:03 PM, FuckS ofpirituality said:

Being born against MY will

You shure as hell, wanted to be born. At that time you held most likely, like all new borns a totally different view on things, than you do now. 

Babys all want to live. I never met a Baby who ain't full of life. Have you? 

I guess alot just happened since you've been born. 

But this is not true. You cannot be born against your will.. 

Well maybe you've been born to early, still though. 

When the water broke and I knew it was just way to early, and I be birthing my child into a totally doomed life. (because the whole pregnancy was full of darkness, and as much as I wanted and loved this child, I also never really committed and also gave up upon him.)

In hospital, I knew foster care would be involved when I gave birth. I couldn't even allow myself to cry after giving birth and forced myself to smile, because I was afraid of making a bad impression. 

My mother treating me and my child poorly after giving birth. (and also during the whole pregnancy) especially me, as if my child didn't belong to me and we where separable. Traumatizing. 

I wish I could reverse my whole life.

And if I could change 1 thing, it would be: don't listen to your mother. (and get away from your "family") 

On 9/6/2022 at 7:19 AM, LucyMad said:

You shure as hell, wanted to be born. At that time you held most likely, like all new borns a totally different view on things, than you do now. 

Babys all want to live. I never met a Baby who ain't full of life. Have you? 

I guess alot just happened since you've been born. 

But this is not true. You cannot be born against your will.. 

Well maybe you've been born to early, still though. 

Prove it.

12 hours ago, Physical Human said:

Prove it.

Spend time with children and baby's, and new borns. Suicide is something born out of ego. New borns are very much egoless until everyone around mingles with them.

Deciding not to kill myself

When I was 13 I started to choose comfort in romantic relationships, and lost my authenticity. 

I didnt feel the same for this man anymore, and we wherent compatible.

I was simply lazy in moving on.. and lonely.. and powerless..

And it whent on like that.

Now I know that I think someone is hot, or likeable in that way, when Im immensly afraid of them, degrade them in my mind. And never talk to them, and run awayXD

I can meet guys, talk to them, not though the ones I find interestingXD 

If I engage with guys I dont like that much... the rejection or whatever is less painful... 

And I dont get truely emotionally invested, and I dont get overwhelmed.

My heart is not at the mercy of a man.

My father neglected us.. maybe Im afraid of beeing rejected, just not special enough to gain attention.

When I stood up to the NZ govt healthcare system connected with my truth and stood by it. Winning a court case against the Mental Health Act and now having an opportunity to find justice for the abuse in this systemic approach to drugs and confinement, and my family who are staying silent and are connected to the govt healthcare system.

The day I realized my emotional pain manifested and likely caused my chronic illness… and that there is a way for me to understand and work with it…thank you

When I hurt someone. I internaly died. I stopped be-LIE-ving my own story of me beeing a good person. I stopped lieng. I owned things within myself. And let go of things. I had the bravery to feel my feelings and emotions, and go through them. I literally had a demon, wich I separated myself from. 

 When I took a wrong curse (because of unresolved subconscious issues) and stood to a group of people who retraumatized and hurt me to the core. And I didn't own it. My heart closed itself. And I started to believe I'm the most evil thing on earth. 

When I didn't fix this and had a severe mental breakdown, taking myself to a mental hospital (Wich was mostly focused towards addictions) and I took 8 different medications on highest prescription within 4 weeks. I wasn't the same anymore. 

The experience of pregnancy and giving birth, and having the responsibility for another human beeing. 

That my mother destroyed and cut me off from anything Wich was close to my heart, consciously being abusive. Wich is why, my life went to shit, and I give up very very very easily, I sabotage myself when problems arise, this way I feel some sense of empowerment, atleast when I can't have or do what I want anyways, I'm the one ruining it, and I also feel less pain. I don't believe to Beginn with, that anything I want to have, I can have. I'm very very shure of the opposite. The universe is against me 100%. Wich is why beeing a mom and having a baby made me go through alot emotionally. 

I was convinced I couldn't have or keep my child.

This is a core wound of mine. 

And I still feel I can't have or keep my child.