Ask Yourself...

Paint without stopping 

Heal, and love.

Finish paintings 

That's a most ridiculous answer but that the only thing I figured out; I would take my genome and play Vivaldi's four seasons with it. 

Be a hunter of predictors that hurt the innocent.  

Raise my son to be a healthy adult one day. 

Start over. 

Heal myself. 

But I always fail in all things I do. I guess I like to live a rebellious and irresponsible life.

Edited July 23, 20224 yr by LucyMad
Because.

Start taking actions in the direction of my dreamz

Write a book. Playing the guitar and sing along on a sidewalk and make money that way. 

Assert my boundaries. Find new friends. 

Overcome the hurt and pain from beeing an outcast in my own family. (my family even including my son who is 3 month old and still exclude me, also separating me from my son, gaslighting and putting me down all the time) because of this I was unable to Form a relationship with my child, he's a stranger to me. this is very painful. I feel alone af. I don't feel like worthy of anything. 

I want to call the cops on them, or hit them. Or something. It's like I don't even exists. And it's been like this ever since. 

Edited August 8, 20224 yr by LucyMad
Because.

Be super open "extraverted" and sociable. Talk openly curious and friendly to many people, every time I leave the house. As if I wasn't alone, as if Noone was, as if all of this was a blessing. 

And be myself. Dont hide my truest emotions unless it's really really necessary, like my life depending upon it. And practice healthy boundaries.

Also: go on a date againXD try to find someone to go on a date withXD

Start my own business. 

Love my child fully genuinely, invest myself fully, commitment, responsibility 100%

I would keep my child and raise him on my own, not give him up for adoption. (because I'm to mentally ill, and I want him to be safe) 

And find a partner who is actually nice and responsible (If I would know how to appreciate myself) 

And I would live according to that. 

I am afraid. And mostly I guess afraid of my inner demons. Huge negative emotions, hurtful truths about my life. And even if Ide face all of that, I don't know if I will actually change to the degree of beeing capable to raise a child. 

I know teal allways says, you can have everything you desire, what you desire is meant for you. She also says things like: you might just need to change you approach, and that could be actually right. She also says maybe your the first one to do it. 

But still though at this point, it seems unworkable. I feel I'm unworkable and he'd be better of somewhere else, even if that's also hurtful.

But it's really hard to decide that consciously, though I let everything my whole life fall apart, (also hoping to have brain cancer) so that he'd be taken away from me. Because I cannot consciously choose to give him up. 

I just can't.. 

Guess I gonna watch that video about limbo, again... Or something else. I don't know. 

I cannot give him up for adoption hell be mentally ill like his parents too. Separation from his mother = Early childhood traumatization. 

And even if he grows up to be difficult like his parents (or traumatized through me). I want to have this responsibility.

I would make courses to enlighten people, make a mounthly spiritual box have classes/circles for kids, make videoes about awakening, samadhi, consciousness, teach people why they think how they think and why they do what they do. Well basically be a Norwegian Teal Swan😄 

Be a hostess. And have an only Fans account maybe. 

I think I'm to ugly for that and also too big. And I also have a child so I have to be more responsible. I don't see beeing a mother and beeing Super flirtatious beeing a thing. (but I like to he this way, and I cannot restrict myself forever) 

I had someone over one time, and all the neighbour's would talk. (he was to a degree dangerous and a narcissist but he cooked for me and it was nice) 

I am lonely. 

Also Ide like to have a bigger apartment and my own bed. I only have one room. And everything here is narrow except for the huge balcony. 

When I get upset or when the baby gets upset, we just allways go to the balcony XD fresh air. 

Or we go to the park, and hopefully find someone to talk to. Or just smile and smile back at people. 

My best friends are cashiers at grocerystores and bakerys. I'm like an old lady and I'm not even 30.

How has my life become like this. 

And if I really had no fear of consequences Ide probably just scream as loud as I can. 

Maybe I should go and do that, what are the consequences for screaming... As kids we would do this all the time. 

I don't like beeing an adult. I had no childhood and I will never have one. 

I feel like I duped my child the whole pregnancy made promises I didn't keep, while running away from my true feelings. Now he's held hostage by me. Poor thing has to have this as his mother. And yes even though he still wants to be with me (but only because he's a baby and he doesn't know any better) 

I hate my life and I hate myself. 

I wish i had the guts to kill myself, but I don't have them. Maybe one day Ile just jump of a building because you only have to do one step and than it's done. That's probably the easiest way. But no, I don't have the guts

I'm just super dramatic. 

I have many things to do, but I feel super unwell. And I'm now going to take a bath cause that's my save place to feel. 

May all the dirt be washed away. 

Amen. 

Stop being afraid. And go on with my life liberated

Protect you

Anything that requires balance: ski, rollerblade, ice skating, water skiing

I would finally come to terms with how horrible my life has been; from very early childhood until 60 yo, there's no break. If I could finally be okay with how bad this life is, and continues to be, then maybe I can find some comfort in just being okay? I would probably be even closer with my sisters, though we're already pretty close. They have had pretty sucky lives too; though some have transcended it fairly well I still struggle a lot.

Surrender to a specific person's pace and decisions