AN ABSOLUTELY LIMITED, FINITE, MORTAL, SEPARATE, TIME AND SPACE BOUND PHYSICAL HUMAN ANIMAL THAT IS THE FULL EMBODIMENT OF THE GENUINE ESSENCE OF HIS OWN SINCERE PERSONAL TRUTH, REGARDLESS OF WHAT ANY  SPIRITUAL TEACHER SAYS, MOST ESPECIALLY SPIRITUAL TEACHERS THAT DO NOTHING BUT DENY, REJECT, CAST ASIDE, TRIVIALIZE, JUDGE, DEPRICATE, DENIGRATE, INVALIDATE, NEGATE, DISPARAGE, CRITICIZE, DENOUNCE, DESECRATE, DISSOCIATE, BRAINWASH, AND ARGUABLY MOST OF ALL, ENDLESSLY ABUSIVELY GASLIGHT.

When I was born, I was born to be whole and healthy (with many things to potentially be) a diva, an artist, a friend, a fashionista, a writer, a singer, a lover, a wife, a biologist, a professional figure ice skater, a mother, a adventurous woman, an activist and advocate for rainforests and oceans... We can go on like this. 

Now Im not meant to be many, most of these things because I'm to hurt and to traumatized and to mentally ill, and to old to be those things, not much is left of who I came here to be. And Im just one of a billion people. (I'm not special) and Im meant different things now. 

And I'm OK with it for the most part. I had a very shitty childhood and what I learned is that you can be happy even though. And now it's the same, I can be appreciative anyway.

Parts of me are still the same. And I'm going to start there. And if was going to start somewhere:

I wasn't meant to live in the country I live in, I was meant to move far away into a different country. Where people speak Spanish or Portuguese. (because I don't belong here) 

I wasn't meant to be a single mom. This only occurred due to programming, and I never wanted this for myself, or any child, it's my worst nightmare. Raising a child without a father figure. (I was meant to have a real home and a family, and feel safer) 

I was meant to be educated and have the capability to work something I enjoy doing without having to worry alot how I'm going to get through the month. 

I was meant to leave the family I was birthed in behind.

I was meant to have self esteem. 

I was meant to march according to my own drum. 

I was meant to treat my own body with alot of respect and apreciation and to caretake my body and my physical needs. 

This is enough to work on and to figure out for now (and the years to come) , I'm not (ever) going to be a professional ice skater or a biologist, and it's OK. 

What's really not ok is, the "situationship" with my child. It took me 5 month to accept the name I gave him. I still don't accept how the pregnancy and time after birth went. I still don't know if I should be his mom and keep him, or give him up for adoption. I actually believe adoption would've been in some ways better for both of us, but he's my heart my blood and my instincts rule and say otherwise. Im angry at him (though he didn't do anything to deserve that) other people treated us poorly and I'm angry at him. Anyone who ever felt angry at a baby can possibly understand how you don't feel capable of beeing a mother. Also im undecided weither I even enjoy spending time with him. At the same time he gives my life meaning. I'm just not appreciative. 

This is what bothers me the most. My life is ruined because of this. 

I'm not sure at all who I am supposed to be. I do intuitively feel I am meant to help people. I just don't really know how yet. I also know want to give love and be love in this life. 

On 10/14/2022 at 6:44 AM, LucyMad said:

When I was born, I was born to be whole and healthy (with many things to potentially be) a diva, an artist, a friend, a fashionista, a writer, a singer, a lover, a wife, a biologist, a professional figure ice skater, a mother, a adventurous woman, an activist and advocate for rainforests and oceans... We can go on like this. 

Now Im not meant to be many, most of these things because I'm to hurt and to traumatized and to mentally ill, and to old to be those things, not much is left of who I came here to be. And Im just one of a billion people. (I'm not special) and Im meant different things now. 

And I'm OK with it for the most part. I had a very shitty childhood and what I learned is that you can be happy even though. And now it's the same, I can be appreciative anyway.

Parts of me are still the same. And I'm going to start there. And if was going to start somewhere:

I wasn't meant to live in the country I live in, I was meant to move far away into a different country. Where people speak Spanish or Portuguese. (because I don't belong here) 

I wasn't meant to be a single mom. This only occurred due to programming, and I never wanted this for myself, or any child, it's my worst nightmare. Raising a child without a father figure. (I was meant to have a real home and a family, and feel safer) 

I was meant to be educated and have the capability to work something I enjoy doing without having to worry alot how I'm going to get through the month. 

I was meant to leave the family I was birthed in behind.

I was meant to have self esteem. 

I was meant to march according to my own drum. 

I was meant to treat my own body with alot of respect and apreciation and to caretake my body and my physical needs. 

This is enough to work on and to figure out for now (and the years to come) , I'm not (ever) going to be a professional ice skater or a biologist, and it's OK. 

What's really not ok is, the "situationship" with my child. It took me 5 month to accept the name I gave him. I still don't accept how the pregnancy and time after birth went. I still don't know if I should be his mom and keep him, or give him up for adoption. I actually believe adoption would've been in some ways better for both of us, but he's my heart my blood and my instincts rule and say otherwise. Im angry at him (though he didn't do anything to deserve that) other people treated us poorly and I'm angry at him. Anyone who ever felt angry at a baby can possibly understand how you don't feel capable of beeing a mother. Also im undecided weither I even enjoy spending time with him. At the same time he gives my life meaning. I'm just not appreciative. 

This is what bothers me the most. My life is ruined because of this. 

You are hurt.

I was meant to be a leader (and also lead by example) and I was meant to be spiritually enlightened, rich and reveloutionary in this regards, I was meant to be authentic and inspiring, nurturing. But I truely tossed that, allready as a kid. I was meant to gather and emotionally catch up crowds of people, like an entertainer, like a singer or a dancer. 

And I tossed it and tossed it... till its just not there anymore. I was born into the wrong time space reality with the wrong people. 

And what really mattered to me was fun, joy, relationships, people, emotions, adventures, the unknown, 

No I hate all these. Where not a match anymore, me and my tossed potential.  

My heart I only feel it when it hurts. 

The first time I tossed enlightenment because I wanted to keep on fitting in with other people.

The second time I tossed it by letting negative emotional reactions lead my actions (and those where to a degree choices Ive made) I chose to be afraid of someone, because they needed me to be afraid of them, I lied because I didnt want to have a negative reaction and ventured into shame, and than I behaved really unloving towards myself, because of the rage I felt towards my mother... and thats how I started to loose track... I chose a path to hurt the both of us.

I was born with huge potential. But its been a downwoardspiral ever since, and its just fucking scary. 

a outlier.