Words have meaning. It would be lovely if every word meant the same thing to all people. But one of the scariest parts of communication is that two people can be using the same word, but that word has different meaning to each of them. There are so many words for which this can be the case. But today, we’re going to talk about family.
Family is one of these words that we assume means the same thing to all people, but that actually means different things to different people. So that you can grasp this concept, think of family as being a title and underneath it, is a box and inside that box are all the things that are implied in your concept of family. All of the embedded assumptions and expectations that go along with the concept of family for you. Think about what would be inside of that box.
For example: Timothy did this exercise and this is some of what was inside of his box: Unconditional Love (in that we always have deep affection for each other and vale and accept each other, no matter what drives us nuts about each other or the bad things we do). Always being able to stay with them (never being homeless), belonging in that I always belong with them and they always belong with me. The sharing of knowledge. They support me and vice versa during adversity and never leave me to deal with things myself. They are a soft place to land, providing safety and comfort when I am in distress. The young taking care of elders as they get older. We live in close proximity to each other and live life together. Security on the physical level in that family provides for each other and wealth and resources are shared with each other. Loyalty in that no one acts against any other person in favor of themselves. It means child support in that the children are the whole family’s obligation and if someone doesn’t have the capacity to care for a child that is blood related, someone else in the family must and will. We always do what is best for the whole family. We maintain each other’s and the family’s reputation with how we behave. There were a lot more, but you get the point.
Miranda did this exercise with Timothy and was shocked to find out that there were things in both of their boxes that were the same, there were also things inside of her box that were not in his box, there were things in his box that were not in hers. And most shocking, there were things in both of their boxes that served as a point of contention between them. For example, always being able to stay with each other (never being homeless) was also in her box. So was love. Only Miranda’s definition of love in this respect was: Utmost felt and demonstrated care for each other’s wellbeing. Miranda did not have taking care of elders in her box. And there were two super important things in her box that Timothy did not have in his. One being, we support what each member of the family has decided is best for them individually. The other being equal consideration in that each member is thoughtful of each other member’s best interests and needs and what the impact of any decision would be on them.
By doing this exercise, Miranda immediately saw points of contention between herself and Timothy as well as understood why Timothy’s family has so many issues with her and so often gives her speeches about family. Timothy’s family and Timothy with them, believe that family should come before personal interests. This is not the same value system Miranda holds. In her family, personal interests come first. Also, proximity has nothing to do with family for Miranda whereas it does for Timothy and his family. On top of this, self-sacrifice for the good of other family members is seen as being critical and as strengthening family for Timothy. Miranda’s definition of family is exactly the opposite. That people would never expect you to sacrifice for their good. Now that Timothy and Miranda have done this exercise, they can be far more conscious about family. They can question themselves about that drop down list of what family implies. They can have the direct and conscious conversations about the individual things in each of their drop-down lists of what family implies.
One of the biggest problems with family meaning different things to different people is that if someone does not act according to what is in that box of embedded assumptions, it will feel like they are not acting like family and so they will cease to feel like family to you. There are many consequences that can come to everyone involved as the result of this. Also, so many of us who are looking for a sense of family are looking for some specific things that are in our box of embedded assumptions about family. But we are actually looking for those things in the wrong places because even though a person may say they see us as family and offer us family, their family box may not even include the thing we are looking to get from family. We see family as our answer to what we lack, when we have to get so much more specific than that.
So, rather than assume that everyone means the same thing when they say family and rather than walking around with an unconscious bag of unquestioned embedded assumptions about family, take a look at what assumptions are built into your concept of family. Examine each one and deeply question it. Are they the same as what is in the box of family for other people in your life? If not, in what ways does that show up as a point of contention? If you are looking for a sense of family, get more specific. By looking at your list of embedded assumptions, what is it that you are actually wanting and needing? And is going for family the best way to get those things you want and need?
Looking directly at what family means (at your drop-down list of embedded assumptions and expectations) can go a long way towards directly resolving a lack of alignment between you and other people. It can also go a long way towards you identifying your actual needs and going directly for them, rather than making family your “so that”. The way that you think you are guaranteed to get something else that you want and need. So, what does family mean to you?
