Have you been feeling lately like your life is dragging you into situations that cause you shame? Are you grappling with difficult and painful experiences? If so, there is actually a reason for this. The universe has been trying to get you to re-own your dis-owned needs. 

This universe pushes people towards re-owning their un-met needs in general. It does so because this brings a person into a state of alignment, it is a key element of a person’s personal growth and it gets their personal expansion going again. But this pushing people towards re-owning their dis-owned needs thing has reached a whole other level lately. Currently, the universe has got people in a pressure cooker. People have been so profoundly unresponsive to the pain, pressure and signs that they are out of alignment. As well as so unresponsive to the universal promptings to get back into alignment. When you are out of alignment in some way, you are lining up with what is not true to who you are, not in line with your wellbeing, not what is truly right for you, and not what you truly value and truly desire. Your energy will be going there. To unwanted things. And so, more and more of that will manifest in your lived experience. A worsening and worsening will naturally occur. And currently, due to people’s non-responsiveness, the universe is enhancing this worsening with a pressure cooker dynamic, intensifying discomfort and negative effects of misalignment, so that you can’t ignore it or cope with it anymore. It is doing so in order to snap people back into alignment. The universe is snapping people into alignment and into their rightful place by making misalignment too painful to maintain. This process is not just happening at a personal level, it is also happening at a more macrocosmic level, with humanity and the world itself. This is why you are currently seeing such an amplification of what was and what is out of alignment within humanity and within the world. If you want to learn more about this, you can watch my video titled: Why The Pressure Cooker?

Why is it necessary to re-own your disowned needs? 

1. If you do not own your needs, you will not have a happy life. You will be living in an out of alignment state, in painful opposition to yourself and this out of alignment state will progress, as all things do, leading to serious negative consequences. A painful and even unsustainable life experience.    
2. Needs are not something you can actually just suppress, deny and ignore. If you do not own your needs, especially those you disown the most, you will actually try to get those needs met in subconscious, manipulative ways. Subconscious meaning you will not even see that you are trying to get them met. And this whole thing opens you up to demonic entities. In fact, desperate and suppressed needs are what lies at the heart of these ultimately detrimental nonphysical relationships. If you want to learn more about this, you can watch my video titled: Do Demons Exist?
3. Personal expansion, which serves universal expansion, depends on you going towards your needs and desires. This is what necessitates personal growth and positive personal change. When you are not doing this, you are effectively impeding your own personal expansion. Kind of like creating a bottleneck for your own progress. It turns you, as a part of this universe, into a stuck point within the greater universe. 
4. When you are not owning your needs, you cause pain to other people, places and things. It isn’t like you can go out of alignment and not negatively affect others. You will harm them with the things you think, say, decide and do. You will harm them with what you fail to say, and do. When it comes to disowned needs, this harm tends to be very serious too.         

When we are young, many of us learn that certain needs we have are acceptable and certain needs are unacceptable. They are bad and wrong. We learn that in order to stay safe and to stay aligned with the people upon whom our life depends, we must suppress, deny and disown those needs that are unacceptable. We must push them (and the parts of us that need them) away from ourselves. This is actually the origin of self-hate. It is also the origin of shame. When we feel that something about us is bad and wrong and therefore will cause us to be pushed away by others and meet with negative consequences, and we push that part away from ourselves, we are internally triangulating against ourselves in order to be close to others. Shame is the affective reaction that happens when we do this. The thing is, any time we come close to seeing that need within us or are pushed closer to it, we feel this shame because our initial impulse is to push it away, just like we did when we were younger. If you want to learn more about this, you can watch my video titled: The Difference Between Being Shamed and Feeling Shame. I also have an entire chapter on shame in my book: The Anatomy of Loneliness. 

So, what needs to happen? What needs to happen is you need to re-own your dis-owned needs. How do you do this? You recognize your dis-owned needs. Here are some suggestions for how to recognize your disowned needs…

1. Disowned needs show up in pain points in your life. Especially the ones that hurt the most. So, rather than trying to cope with the pain in your life or avoid it, you need to do a deep dive into your pain. You’ve got to be brave enough to admit to what you are in pain about. What you are looking to do, is to mine the pain for the needs that are there. For example, if you feel the sensation of deep, visceral envy, you can really do some introspection to figure out what situation is causing that feeling. Say it is watching a friend of yours always be the center of attention. This points to the fact that you want attention. But to any need you find, ask these questions: Why do I want that? If I had that thing, what would it give me? To find an even deeper need. Using our example, you may discover that you want attention because it would make you feel important. So, what you want is importance. But then to this, you can again ask the questions: Why do I want that? If I had that thing, what would it give me? Using our example, maybe the answer is: A sense of value. You can keep going like this, until you feel like you have reached the end of the line. The root need under it all. Pain is the primary way that we can recognize the un-met needs that are the most necessary to re-own at this red-hot moment. The ones that are part of the universal pressure cooker dynamic. So, it is really important to explore the pain you feel in the situation that is causing you the most pain in your life right now.  
2. You can also recognize disowned needs in the strong reactions you have to other people, especially negative judgements about them and their traits. Any time you have a strong positive reaction, ask yourself “What do I Love about this person? What about what I love about them do I wish I had?” For example, say that you just adore Taylor Swift and react powerfully positive every time you see her. You might realize that you love that she can express so freely. This reveals that a disowned need of yours is to be free to express yourself. And any time you have a negative rection to someone, list the things you hate about them and ask yourself “How would my life improve if I took a homeopathic dose of these things?” This reveals the need you have. For example, imagine you have a person in your life that you judge as selfish. If you took a homeopathic dose of selfishness, how would your life improve? Maybe the answer is: I would be able to set boundaries to keep myself safe. Safety would be the need. You can then explore exactly what kind of safety you need and from what.   
3. You can also recognize disowned needs in any resentments you may have. Resentment is essentially feelings of unfairness, injustice or mistreatment. One of the reasons that resentment lingers like it does is because underneath the surface feelings are needs you are desperate for. To get to the bottom of it, you need to mine the experience that caused you to feel resentful for the needs that are there. For example, say that a woman resents her partner because he comes home and doesn’t help with the kids. If she asks herself why this is unfair or cruel, the answer may be: Watching the kids is a hard job too, it’s not like I ever get a break. She may see that she wants a break. What would the break she needs look like? Maybe it would look like someone else watching the kids, so she can do some self-care stuff, like go to the gym and do her nails and get her hair cut and colored. In this, she may see that her need is self-care. Something she feels is selfish to need.          
4. You can also recognize your disowned needs in what you desire that you are afraid of. What do you want that you are afraid to want? Part of this is recognizing what you won’t let yourself have. Notice where you force yourself to do things, things you “should do”. And with each of these things, ask yourself: What am I secretly craving instead? For example: I should go to college to get a sensible degree. What are you secretly craving instead? Maybe the answer is: To travel. Or for example, maybe you are forcing yourself to clean the house. But when you ask: What am I secretly craving instead? The answer may be rest!       
5. You can also recognize your dis-owned needs in what you have been trying change that isn’t currently changing or that has never worked to change. When you think about what you have been desperate to change about yourself, but it hasn’t worked, there is usually a desperately disowned need in the mix. The “problem” behavior is often a strategy that your system uses to meet the need. For example, say you have been passive your whole life. You may stay passive so that you never have to face the fear of trying and failing. But if you ask what the perceived consequence of failing is, it may be being judged negatively and pushed away by others. When you ask what need you have that being judged and pushed away prevents, it may be: Closeness.  
6. You can also recognize your disowned needs in what you feel you need to woefully let go of for some purpose (especially if you did this or are doing this and things are not getting better). There are actually needs on both sides of this equation. What might you have woefully let go of or what may you currently be trying to let go of that fills you with sorrow to let go of? And why are you letting go of it? What needs might you be throwing out with the bathwater? What might you be sacrificing that you can’t actually sacrifice and feel good in life at the same time? For example, say that a person realized they are woefully letting go of time with horses to pursue their career. They may realize that the need behind making this choice is: Purpose. So, this is a need. But they may also realize that in spending time with horses, they feel this incredible bond and total awe. They may realize that being with horses is actually a need. That life feels empty without them.       
7. You can also recognize your dis-owned needs in what need you feel is impossible to have met. When it feels impossible to meet a need you have and everything in your life is reflecting that you won’t get it met and can’t get it met, you tend to try to un-need the need in order to be in less pain. You become convinced you must dis-own the need you feel most powerless to meet. These needs are usually more obvious and available to the conscious mind. What is it you want deeply, but feels impossible? Just because a need feels impossible, doesn’t mean you should or can give it up. And if you try to dis-own it, it will lead to consequences. Another way to get here is to ask yourself: As a child, what did I want and need, that I had to give up on wanting and needing because it was impossible to get. These are likely still deeply suppressed needs within you, maybe even needs that are hiding under your denial of needing them.  
8. You can also identify disowned needs in all the things that you learned were not acceptable in your childhood. These are things your family reacted poorly to. This may take the form of things that caused you joy, such as “I used to be delighted by doing things together, but I was taught that needing quality time from them was a burden. Quality time was my need”. It could take the form of traits you exhibited. Such as “I was very sensitive as a child. And this was constantly scoffed at. What I needed because I was so sensitive was for the adults in my life to be attuned to what I need and to put me in an environment and in situations that were soothing. The need may be: People who are attuned and responsive and a soothing environment. Thinking back on your childhood, what about you garnered negative reactions from others, especially your parents, teachers and even peers? How did you need to adapt in your childhood? What needed to go away in order for you to do that? Ask yourself: What deep needs are revealed in the picture of my story of childhood adaptation?   
9. You can also recognize your dis-owned needs by deep diving into your shame. We love to avoid shame and do anything to try to get it to just go away as fast as possible, because it is a super painful to experience. There are needs on both sides of shame. We triangulate against ourselves to get a need met, usually to the detriment of another need that we actually do need and can’t actually sacrifice. For example, say that a person feels so much shame around having homosexual tendencies. On one side, they are pushing this aspect of themselves away to get the needs met of connection and belonging and confluence with other people. But at the same time, they are pushing away a need for a sexual/romantic relationship with someone of their own sex. And within this need, they are pushing away potentially many relational needs. A good way to become aware of these needs is this: When you feel shame, examine what about yourself you are ashamed about/in rejection of. By rejecting this aspect, what need gets met? By not rejecting it, what need doesn’t get met? And to the opposite, if you were to accept that this would never change about you and you could not get rid of it, and instead, you had to hear out what it needed, what would this aspect of you need?            

Once you have discovered the disowned need, what you need to do is to reverse the shame. The way that shame is reversed, is by re-owning the aspect of you that you are ashamed of i.e. pushing away and in rejection of. What does it mean to take ownership over something? To own something is for it to belong to you or with you. And because you have decided it belongs to you or with you, you are responsible for its wellbeing. A sense of ownership is what causes us to take care of the thing we feel that sense of ownership towards. We are committed to it. It makes that thing or that person’s best interests indivisible from our own best interests. It makes it so our commitment is to find a win-win scenario, which is the basis of trust. A sense of ownership is a divine responsibility. When you take ownership of a part of you, its needs matter greatly to you. By re-owning this part of you, you start to integrate it into the rest of your system in ways that benefit the entire system, and by doing so, you can align with a life that is far more in alignment for you. A life that feels joyful to you. 

This goes hand in hand with reversing shame… In order to re-own a disowned need, you must work directly with any resistance you have to that need. Directly address anything in the way of meeting the need. This may mean changing beliefs you have that are oppositional to the thing you need. It may mean working directly with any part of you that is in direct opposition to the meeting of that need or to the aspect of you that has that need. It means changing behaviors that oppose the need. For this reason, it would be a good idea to watch my video titled: Parts Work, What is Parts work and How to do Parts Work. This means it is time for some deep diving into what is on the other side of your needs, opposing and preventing them. And guess what? Within these aspects of you, are other needs. Most people are in fact in a needs conflict when they have deeply dis-owned needs. But the good news for most people is that a lot of this is down to flaws in perception, rather than the impossibility of getting seemingly opposed needs met.  

The next thing you need to do, is to meet the need directly. Obviously, what this looks like is going to depend on the specific need. When you have seemingly conflicting needs, it is about finding a configuration that allows for them both to be met. For many people, this will require changes to be made to the life they are living. And in some cases, drastic overhauls. For example, say that you discovered that the deeply suppressed need you have is to be in your feminine energy and to have a life that is conducive to this. But the life you currently lead is not conducive to this at all. The task at hand is how to overhaul your life in a way that is conducive to your femininity. To choose relationships that are conducive to your femininity. Now imagine that you find that the need that seemingly opposes your femininity is your purpose. The task at hand is to find a different, femininity conducive way to carry out your purpose. This doesn’t mean that your life will have no contrast. Contrast comes with everything. There is positive and negative in everything. It doesn’t mean that it will only ever feel good. You simply can’t choose a contrast that requires you to disown a need you have. It wont even work if you try to do it. It is so important to become aware of your needs and to find direct ways to meet your needs. If you want to learn more about this, you can watch my video titled: Meet your Needs.     

People are in an internal war. On the one hand, they would do anything to get specific needs met and are going about it in all kinds of subconscious ways. And at the very same time, they would do anything to get those same specific needs to go away. They are designing a life to be able to cope with not having what they need and to avoid the shame and the powerlessness inherent in needing that thing. The vast majority of people are currently living their lives in denial of their needs and this has got to end. And so, the universe is putting you in painful and difficult situations right now, and it is pinning you in your shame, so that you become aware of your needs. Those needs that you have suppressed, denied, rejected and disowned. An unbelievably big part of the picture of getting out of the pain you are currently in, and getting back into alignment with the universe itself, is to recognize your disowned needs, to re-own them and to change your life accordingly.