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Someone who read my post about how I see the world informed me that my description of how I perceive the world, sounds very much like someone experiencing an LSD trip or DMT trip.  He commented that he thought living like I live, would be very much like living permanently on a “trip’ and that it would be very challenging to live like that.  I agree with his assessment.  Many people, who partake in Ayahuasca, come back saying that they experienced the world like I see it while on the medicine.  Speaking of which, my sensory integration “squeeze” vest came in the mail yesterday.  This morning is the first time I’ve tried it.  And what is my opinion?  It is heaven!  I’ve already been able to successfully stop a panic attack with it.  I’ve decided it will be really good to use in order to help myself come back from my nightly out of body excursions.  For whatever reason, it grounds me and helps me re orient in this dimension.  I’m quite in love with it.  It really does feel like being hugged tightly in all of the perfect places.  I feel secure with my rib cage and chest being compressed.  The static buzz of life is sedated by it.  It is heavenly and now I’m attached to it.  I still have it on as I type this.  Enough about that, I have more exciting stuff to talk about that was discussed out of body last night.

Independence is bullshit.  So is powerlessness dependence.  Both opposites, are illusion.  Self-sufficiency and self-reliance has been glorified.  Indeed, it is an empowering idea when we feel powerless to each other, which so many of us do.  But self-sufficiency, like anger is merely on the way to true alignment.  It is not all the way there.  We need each other.  End of story.  People need each other.  And need, while it may imply focus on the lack, is still indicative of our deepest desires.  Which are love, intimacy and connectedness.  And we will not live if we do not allow ourselves to line up with our deepest desires.  The most self-loving thing a person can do is not to become self-sufficient and try to become a fulfilled unit in and of themselves.  The most self-loving thing a person can do, is to allow themselves to accept themselves fully and merge with others.  Only then, can we become the living embodiment of oneness.   The independent self-reliance that has been glorified in the modern, western world is indeed one of the unhealthiest patterns that has ever emanated from our time space reality.  Empowerment is not the same thing as separate individualization.

We tell a lie in the self-help industry, that we cannot hope to be in a good relationship if we are not ok in and of ourselves first.  But a crucial part of our well-being is merging with others.  A person cannot be a universe in and of themselves.  The ego is the only one that says they can.  We have all attached to a profoundly sick ideal, because we have been raised on it, we believe in it so deeply, we do not question it.  We feel guilt for our level of “need” for each other.  But this “need” is simply a universal truth peeking through, telling us that we are not and cannot be separate.  In an interdependent world, dependency is an absolute of our existence.   It is as much a truth as you create your own reality is a truth.  This world is a mirror, and you are dependent on the reflection because in this universe, it is every bit as much you, as you are.

anger-18658_640.jpgSimply put… anger feels better than powerlessness.  That is why it benefits people to get angry.  And independence feels better than powerless victimhood.  That is why it benefits people to get independent.  But if our progression stops there, we will never find true happiness and our civilization will never progress.  The teaching of independent self-reliance, is a step on the ladder from powerlessness to empowerment, like anger.  But we worship it as if it were all the way there.  As if it were empowerment.  True empowerment cannot be experienced in individualization.  Happiness is meaningless, if it is not shared.

I am sure a great many people will see this blog entry as a justification of my own desires to merge with another person.  After all, I wrote an entire blog about Monophobia, as if that desire was only the shameful byproduct of negative circumstances.  But the truth is this situation has forced me to do excessive searching within the universe for answers.  And I’ve found many of them.  And some of them contradict the sacred truths we all believe in today’s society.  I cannot tell you how many people tell me that I need to learn how to be ok alone.  This contradicts basic human biology, which is resistant to ourselves.  It is taking an avoidant position to dealing with attachment.  Which is in and of itself resistant in nature.  And it implies that you cannot find yourself within a relationship.  This is all illusion.  Separation of any kind is ultimately illusion.  It only benefits us to indulge in that illusion, if we are suffering as a result of our perceived enmeshment.  Dependence is not powerlessness.  That is... it doesn't have to be.  Especially, when we have the power to create our own reality, and thus create what we are dependent on.

people-2616695_640.jpgDoes it really benefit us to believe that we can never be satisfied by someone else or with someone else?  This is it's own kind of powerlessness.  Every bit as much as it is powerless to believe that we can only be satisfied by someone or someone else!  We've come out of one trap only to fall right into another one!  A painful one that causes us to have to pull ourselves up by our own emotional boot straps, invest in ourself as a single unit, which is the very definition of ego.  And so, ego has caught us again.

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This idea of empowerment while acknowledging dependence on other people has honestly been a difficult concept for me to grasp. My mind tends to view dependence as a bad thing and independence as a good thing. I definitely think it's due to our Western Society, but it's also due to the emotional incest that I grew up with (which I think is more common in nuclear families than most people will admit). I was taught at a young age that I needed to take care of my parents - be their therapist, marriage counselor, or real-life teddy bear (so icky). Subconsciously, I recognized their inappropriate dependence on me and felt angry at them. I also felt like I couldn't trust them to hold or take care of my needs. I thought "I can handle all their problems AND my own problems all by myself." It's a horribly isolating way to live, but it's definitely encouraged by our society...

Anyways, I look up to you, Teal. From your example (and through therapy), I've been opening up more. I've realized that other adults can hold me and my needs. I've also been learning how to have boundaries and be authentic with others. All these things I wouldn't have been able to do on my own. I need relationships with other people to heal, learn, and grow. It's just a balance of not becoming too dependent or independent.

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