I grew up in the wilderness. I have never felt so much like a byproduct of the wilderness as I do today. Most people in the cities of Europe cannot comprehend ‘wilderness’. They will not comprehend of it until they see it with their own eyes; mile upon mile, upon mile of wild landscape, untouched by the hands of men. Man does not rule over the wilderness. He is a small, rebellious child of the wilderness. He has built this metropolis of concrete, cobblestone, metal and glass over the top of the wilderness. Like a teenage child, who slams his door shut, so his parents cannot interfere in his life. He shuts love out too. Just as the concrete that covers every square inch of the city shuts out life. The ill vapor of this polluted sky is seeping through my pores this morning. Walking on the streets here in the heart of the financial district of the city,
I am struck by the feeling that there is no heart here. People here are in a state of decay. Besides a general Vitamin deficiency that occurs in nearly everyone here, their skin and muscles droop around their skeletal structure. It is as if you are literally witnessing the vitality being leeched away from them. There is a mass dissociation amongst the people here. There is a mass dissociation because there has to be. No one could live here (with no time spent removing oneself to recharge somewhere else) and be fully sensitized. No one seems to notice the trauma anymore. Without a second thought, they walk by drunken men, pissing on the building walls and passed out in the alleyways. They walk by people whose faces have been painted white with cuts and blood, advertising horror tours. They walk by monuments and castles, whose histories are rich with beheadings and public executions. They walk by each other without looking each other in the eye. The “city people” here in London are a brutal race of people. Cut off from their own emotion, they do not feel the impact that this lifestyle has on them. They have all kinds of physical ailments and don’t know why. Cut off from each other, there is a feeling that every man is out for themselves and that they have to spend their days surviving each other. It is a sad, driven disconnection that has made most of the men act sociopathic and has left most of the women bitter.
I was hoping that coming back to London under new circumstances would change my view of the city. But it has intensified it. The “void” that can be felt in this part of London is more evident now than ever. This is still the most vibrationally low city I’ve yet been to in my life; and the emotional death here reigns supreme. If a person lived here long enough, I imagine that they would find a way to cope with the city. They would find places within the city to gain respite. They would find familiarity and build good memories there and then associate the city with those things and those places, whilst tuning the rest of the malady of this city out. But to fly here as an outsider and take it all in, is soul crushing. This city could overwhelm even the most basic individual. Being one who cannot filter the energies around me, this city is torture.
The jet lag was so bad yesterday that it, coupled with the energies of the city, made me have a complete melt down. It felt like my “higher self” vacated the building. I finished my day in tears, contemplating the course of my entire career and my ability to travel to certain places that my career requires me to travel to. Yes, I’m admitting it here… every once in a while, Teal has a complete breakdown. The thing about a breakdown, is that it attracts “when it rains, it pours” scenarios. I got online to try to watch funny videos and I was a match to a news flash that a bunch of animals are suddenly vacating the Yellowstone park. This mass migration of animals happened before the tsunami hit and so biologists are thinking that the animals are escaping the seismic activity there and that they “know it’s going to blow”. We have known about the underground “supervolcano” there that will erupt in the future (no one knows when). It is a plaguing topic if you live in the vicinity of that eruption because we know it is imminent, but there is no way to plan your life around it when you don’t know if it’s going to erupt now or a week from now, or a hundred years from now. But last night, because of my jet lagged, fatigued, tortured state, I could not approach that news with any amount of objectivity. Instead, I fell into despair. Park City is in the “kill zone” of that eruption. Within a matter of an hour or so, the ash would consume the entire town and kill every living thing there. You could not drive away fast enough to get away from it. So, mentally where do you think I went? I went to the place where I am in Europe, and I left my son behind to drown in his own blood from volcanic ash inhalation. There was nothing left to do but shadow work. As a result, my breakdown last night lead to some very great teachings and Ask Teal topics.
I met my mother in law and brother in law briefly for the first time yesterday. Oddly, it feels quite natural to be near them. It feels as if I’m fitting into a place that a puzzle piece is supposed to fit into after it has gone missing from the rest for a long time. Oddly enough, I think the fact that it felt so natural to be in each other’s company, tinted the meeting with some awkwardness. It made a meeting that one would expect to feel monumental, feel mundane. I am seeing them for a longer period of time on another day during this trip, which is good because I was in my “coping mode” yesterday. Coping mode does not allow for the deepest of connections with others. It is created to ensure survival. I have a full schedule here for the remainder of the trip. I’m sure there will be many profound experiences to write about in the days to come. I am looking forward to “taking everyone with me on the trip” through the use of this blog. This blog has turned into part life journal, part spiritual insight, part travel journal. Anyway, I hope you like reading it. I hope some part of reading about my “'journey' helps you or gives you enjoyment in some way. With love always, Teal