• Self-Trust

    The rock music is blaring from the overhead speakers in this little sports bar I am sitting in.  I visited the doctor’s office today.  The doctor and I have challenged each other to a bet.  He thinks that being vegan has greatly negatively affected certain parts of my body and that it will be reflected in various blood tests.  I have explained to him that I don’t agree and that not only am I a medical intuitive, I’m also not an “unhealthy” vegan.  In fact, I am a health Nazi vegan.  So, we have challenged each other to a game of who is right.  He has put me on a twelve hour fast starting at 8:00 tonight so I can get blood work done in the morning and so, I’ve rushed around the city to find the closest restaurant, so I can sneak in one last salad before I must abstain.

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    Out of the corner of my eye, I’m watching the “bad hit” football montage on one of the twenty television monitors.  Collectively the people in the restaurant have turned to watch the replays of injury after injury as they occur to the players.  Audible reactions of shock and awe rise from the crowd.  It is both fascinating and sad that we cope with becoming part of our human society, by numbing out to our emotions and numbing out to how we feel, only to spend the rest of our lives seeking experiences that make us feel something again.  It’s the only proof we have that we are alive.  Horror films make us feel alive.  Sports injuries make us feel alive.  Our bodies become addicted to the adrenaline.  We don’t want to risk tuning back into our emotions.  We’d rather feel when we want to feel.  We’d rather have a convenient relationship with ourselves. 

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    We hope to find someone in our lives that will love us exactly as we are.  Someone who is ok with how we feel.  Someone who will stay by our sides through everything and who will be present with us and be there for us.  But we are incapable of doing this for ourselves.  We are not ok with how we feel.  We try to run from it.  We don’t stick with ourselves.  We abandon what we think and what we want for what other people think and want.  We try to escape from ourselves.  We are not there for ourselves when we need it.  We prioritize other things, like our job or our family or societal expectations or our goals.  We need them to do it, because we never give ourselves the permission to do it.  It has blown my mind to figure out just how NOT there for myself I have been.  I have watched myself abandon myself and realized that this is the real reason why we don’t trust ourselves.  People don’t trust themselves when they feel unsafe with themselves.  And we feel unsafe with ourselves when we watch ourselves make decisions that don’t feel good.  When we ignore the way we really feel, and abandon our personal truth, we become in essence untrustworthy to ourselves.  The only way to begin trusting yourself (if you don’t currently trust yourself) is to learn how to tune back into how you feel and honor how you truly feel.  If we want to be happy and feel good in our own skin, there is no other way to live.  I want to be happy and feel good, so this is how I'm going to live...who is with me?

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