• Romance

    download (6).jpeg The buzzing creeps up on me like a vapor in the bones.  I am familiar with the pain that follows resisting it.  I have become adept at letting it devour me… Turn me to cosmic dust.  This part of my life has been a blessing and a curse for over thirty years.  Spontaneous increases in personal frequency will seemingly eject me from this physical world.  ‘Astral planing’ it was called the first time I heard someone speak of it publicly.

    You become adept at letting go of yourself entirely when it isn’t a conscious choice to leave.  On higher dimensional levels, the personality and the personal story lines that feed it cannot follow you.  It feels freeing, like someone taking off a really tight coat.  But there is both beauty and ugliness inherent in everything.  As some would say, there is a gift to knowing and a price to knowing.  Any out of body traveler will tell you, there are gifts and there are prices to be paid.  To come back to your personality and then body and then life, is like a crash landing.  Disorienting doesn’t come close to describing it.  When timelines are distorted (as they are in dimensions where time does not exist) I have on occasion experienced entire lifetimes that take place in the span of five minutes where my body lies.  I come back unaware of which timeline is ‘real’.  I come back unaware of who I am.  Beneath my bed, I have a sheet of lined paper.  I keep updating it.  Today it reads, “Hi there, your name is Teal Swan.  You have just come back from a multidimensional out of body experience.  Take three deep breaths, holding your breath at the peak of each breath for 7 seconds and then continue reading… The year is 2015 and you are on earth right now.  You are 31 years old and a female.  You live in an intentional community.  You have a son who is six years old now.  You are a spiritual teacher.  People all around the world tune in to hear what you have to say, which is part of why you just went out of body.  The tingling in your arms and legs is normal.  Lay back and let yourself remember who you are in this life you have returned to.  You can bring the experience you just had with you and make it a part of who you are here.  They go together I promise.  Lie back and you’ll see.  Just lie back, open up and let it all come back to you now.”

    colored-pencil-T2-image.jpgIn the minutes that follow, my memory fills in like colored pencil filling in the lines.  By re-attuning to this life, the story line that accompanies it comes back.  I am putting the ego associated with this lifetime back on.  It is amazing how “grippy” the ego is.  How real it makes life seem and how deeply it enrolls you in its perceptions.  But the ego is not just a prison, it is also beautiful, like a feeling flavor that is so unique it could never be replicated.

    On the other side of that buzz last night (often called the vibrational stage), I was taken to watch two lovers.  The year was 1942, in Italy.  The two were in their early twenties.  The girl was wearing a knee length navy dress with pleats and a fiercely colored scarlet sash tied in a bow around the middle.  Her black hair curled its way in deliberate, shining waves just past her shoulder blades.  Bobby pins held her bangs off her face to expose a pale, circular face that was powdered to perfection.  Large, innocent brown eyes and lips that matched the sash on her dress.  The boy towered over her by at least a foot.  In brown plaid pants that (characteristically of the day and age) came up too high on his waist.  Over broad shoulders, he was wearing a navy colored button down shirt with a scarlet tie that nearly reached his pant line.  His black hair was slicked to the side in a stylish wave.  His eyes were green; they sparked under his overhanging brow.  He wore a smile as he looked at her like she was the only thing left in the world worth notice.  It was obvious to me that they had dressed to match, most likely having returned from a social dance.

    Hepburn_Stewart_Philadelphia_Story_0.jpg I watched as they flirted and chased each other around the empty street, oblivious to everything else but each other.  Their worlds spun around one another.  Each was the sun in the center of each other’s orbit.  I watched her skin flush as he picked her up and spun her with ease, refusing to let her down again.  I saw the pulse in his arteries.  I watched the light glint off of the moisture on their lips as they locked, like magnets finding their way across space again and again.  I watched them breathe when they were close, deliberately drawing each other’s fragrance deep into lungs and heart and veins.  There are so many things that fall under the simple word ‘love’.  This kind of ‘love’ is known to make fools of those that are under its spell.  On a purely biochemical level, it is a drug.  But to call it a drug, diminishes its capacity and truth.  Even rational people want to experience this drug.  Without it, there would be no procreation and thus no universal expansion through our species.  Love makes two become one.  It unites.  But becoming bonded (emotionally attached) to another being in a time space reality that involves egos, can turn into a painful experience.  It brings both the potential for euphoria and despair.

    I watched this couple from the perspective of a spiritually aware self.  A self that is fully aware of the dangers involved and fully aware of the trap of attachment.  And I couldn’t help but think… If the goal is to avoid suffering at all costs, then this kind of romantic attachment, called “limerence” should be avoided at all costs (if that is even possible).  But I am not yet convinced that the purpose of life on earth is to avoid suffering.  That is resistant in nature.  What if the purpose of life, is to embrace life?  If attachment is consciously instead of unconsciously chosen, is it still attachment then?  Is the point of life to remain unattached to things, or to consciously feel the full range of human experience, even the parts that can only be felt as a result of becoming attached to something?  These questions arose in my mind.

    falling-in-love-11.jpg Many extraterrestrial beings agree that one of the best experiences to come to Earth to sample is romantic love.  They also agree that one of the worst experiences to come to Earth to sample is losing or being denied of romantic love.  Romantic love is and has been the enemy of many spiritual traditions.  The argument is that it ‘gets in the way’ of spiritual practice and real love.  And yet, it is widely understood that romantic love is the #1 collective desire that human beings have.  And you cannot un-want what you want regardless of how good an argument is for not wanting it.

    Regardless of how ‘rationally dysfunctional’ it is for two people to kill themselves if they can’t be together, secretly the intensity of loving and being loved that much is something that so many of us want.  This is why we love Romeo and Juliet.  This is why Nicholas Sparks has made so much money.  This is why I would have preferred to watch the Italian couple for years instead of return to my own bed.

    So today, instead of offering my opinion, I am interested in putting forth a question for you to answer:  What is so different about a romantic relationship that causes you to want it above all other relationships? 

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    Romantic love is the truest essence of being so completely present yet so far away from this world, vulnerable yet completely confident, and absolutely in tune and aware with another being. When two physical bodies merge entirely, breathing eachother in, becoming complete, thier energies melting together in total oneness, it's as if the world stops, time has no meaning, suffering is obsolete, and nothing else matters.

    I experienced moments like  this with someone once and I almost died trying to hold onto it- I would have gladly followed Juliet if I knew it meant being with him, like that, in that space forever. I have never wanted anything so much in this life. But unresolved past wounds & ego drug him so far away from me. Every day I wake up longing for him and I try to make new connections and build a new relationship that, in my hopes, will feel the same, but it does not- the energy that was within those brief moments in time with him, is just not there. Yes, the attachment I created to that unique connection with him is dangerous, as much as it is amazing. The reward of knowing such intensity in humaness, does not come without due penance for the guilt of letting myself succumb to such a sweet and yet toxifying pitfall.

    Sadly, I cannot find anything else in this world that excites my soul so, and now I struggle to find sedulous care and reason for my exsistence. My mind is a daily battlefied of giving in to the suffering of loss and continuing to make each day count. It is almost worse than as if someone had died, because even beyond death there is connection and peace, but when life's social circumstances and wound's reciprocating emotions rip away your beloved to a place of no return, where does one go from there? What left is there to do that could ever compare to the bliss that was felt?

    I remain in hope, but devastated.

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    One of my favorite blog posts. I can read it over and over . 

    "What is so different about a romantic relationship that causes you to want it above all other relationships? "

    Adrenaline rush that no one can resist ?❤

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    Experiencing the pure positive loving focus through someone's eyes being freely chosen to be directed at me at that moment. Makes me feel valuable, like I have a reason and meaning to be here. Like I am worth something.

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    What is so different about romantic love? Attention.

    We crave personal acknowledgment. We NEED to be seen, heard, responded to. We need it so badly that even negative, painful attention is better than being alone.

    Perhaps part of this is evolutionary. Screw that. Humans are incomplete, and the craving is a manifestation of our desire to find that which completes us. It's easy to say that we only find completion within ourselves. Screw that. How does one find an aspect of self, that one has NO experience with?

    So we MUST seek it externally, in the physical. We must LIVE it.

    Then we can become it.

     

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