• Mirrors

    swing-1188131_960_720.jpgFrom the fifth dimension, the sound of the swing set creates visible, discordant ripples across the quantum field.  She goes back and forth, back and forth.  Trying to disturb the isolated torment of silence with her movements.  The sunlight comforts the strands of her hair.  It shines gold wherever the sunlight touches.  Her cheeks are dry.  There are no tear stains where there should be.  She has grown accustomed to the reliable consistency of pain. 

    I am out of body again.  I have gone back in time. From the fifth dimension, I have access to all potential timelines branching off of an individual’s life.  I am viewing a moment in the life of one of my best friends.  She is 11 years old.  She has no awareness of me.  But she feels like she is being watched.  I know that any movement I make will alter the course that her life has taken.  And so, I keep still. 

    under-the-water.jpgI can see that so far in her life, chasing light in the future has been nothing but a recipe for disappointment.  Pleasure brings uncertainty.  The only certain thing is pain.  Pain has become the only thing that is real.  The only thing that is permanent, the only thing that can be relied upon.  If she doesn’t expect anything good to happen, she is safe.  And so, she keeps her mind and heart immersed inside of it; like an amphibian hiding under the surface of the water.  The pain has become her safety.  It protects her from having and losing.  It protects her from experiencing the loss of her dreams, the loss of her hope, the loss of her wants and needs, the loss of happiness.  She does not see that expecting pain keeps her safe.  But it also keeps her unsafe.  She is surviving the ineffable torment of uncertainty by making pain certain.  I identify with this girl.  The identification is a strong enough vibration that it acts as a vehicle.  I am transported somewhere else.

    rusty-nail.jpgI am hovering over the top of a large hole in the ground.  It is loosely covered with a circular array of wood planks.  They are nailed together in a lattice pattern with rusted nails.  The wood is weathered into a silver grey.  There is a girl in the hole underneath the planks.  She rocks back and forth, back and forth.  Trying to disturb the isolated torment of silence with her movements.  The sunlight coming through the slits in the wood, comforts the strands of her hair.  It shines copper wherever the sunlight touches.  Her cheeks are dry.  There are no tear stains where there should be.  She has grown accustomed to the reliable consistency of pain.

    I am still out of body.  I am watching myself on the exact same day at the exact same time.  I am 13 years old.  The younger me is aware that I am standing over her.  But does not know who I am.  When she sees the image of me at 32 years old, she comes to the conclusion that I am simply another spirit guide.  This happened to me so often as a child.  I would see my adult self coming back to ‘guide’ me.  And I would have no idea that it was in fact my future self. 

    Me_ahogo6-1973.jpgLooking at my younger self I can see that so far, chasing light in the future has been nothing but a recipe for disappointment.  Pleasure brings uncertainty.  The only certain thing is pain.  Pain has become the only thing that is real.  The only thing that is permanent.  The only thing that can be relied upon.  If she doesn’t expect anything good to happen, she is safe.  And so, she keeps her mind and heart immersed inside of it; like an amphibian hiding under the surface of the water.  The pain has become her safety.  It protects her from having and losing.  It protects her from experiencing the loss of her dreams, the loss of her hope, the loss of her wants and needs, the loss of happiness.  She does not see that expecting pain keeps her safe.  But it also keeps her unsafe.  She is surviving the ineffable torment of uncertainty by making pain certain.

     

    Life-under-the-water-_tvax.jpgTwo girls, living out the same life.  Perfect mirrors of each other.  Miles apart in the same country.  Unaware of each other.  Unaware that in the future, their paths will converge.  They wont be alone anymore.      

    We expect bad things to happen because bad things did happen to us.  To one degree or another, tragedy did strike for us.  And when it struck, we felt so blindsided, so powerless and so unable to explain why it happened, that we decided we had no control over our lives.  We decided we were at the mercy of a cruel world that could harm us at any moment.  We decided that the only control we did have and the only way to ensure that we would not get blindsided again, was to immerse ourselves in the pain so we never had to feel the torment of having sunlight and losing it.  We started to expect and prepare for the worst.  Preparing for the worst is a coping mechanism.  It is a survival strategy.  It is a survival mechanism for people who have been hurt and especially for those of us who have been hurt again and again.  The most painful part about expecting the worst is the feeling of grieving for things before they have even happened.  We miss people before they are even gone.  We feel disappointment before we have been let down.  We feel the crushing weight of the loss of people we love, even when they are alive and well.

     

    9b0b5c46b0ce752b-Vanessahand.jpg

    I come back to my body at 32 years old.  Lying in bed.  I can feel all the sensations we don’t normally notice day to day.  The blood flowing in my finger tips.  The alveoli expanding and contracting in my lungs.  The smooth muscle contractions in my intestines.  My pupils dilating and constricting to find balance with the moonlight. 

    I cannot sleep anymore.  I am thinking that it is possible to identify with and love a friend so much that it hurts.  She walked into my life and it felt like she had been there all along.  To see her in pain, fills me with pain.  Some call this healthy.  They call it love.  Others call this unhealthy.  They call it identification.  Either way, it is.  I see her.  I see her reflected in the moments of my life. 

    familyfighting.jpgThere is a kind of inauthenticity that is unintentional.  It just happens because most of us are inspired to share beautiful things.  When you look through a photo album belonging to a family where incest or alcoholism is going on, you don’t see pictures of a father fingering his daughter when she’s in diapers.  You don’t see images of her arms cut up when she is a teen.  You don’t see pictures of alcohol bottles and beaten faces.  You don't see pictures of the kids hiding in the closet.  It’s not that they are hiding it intentionally.  It’s that no one feels inspired to take those pictures.  No one feels inspired to make a scrapbook out of them.  No one wants to keep those moments, regardless of how the mind is haunted by them.

     

    thumbnail_IMG_0775.jpg

    I look through my own Instagram feed.  My life is epic.  My life looks like a dream.  I hang out with the best people.  I go to places around the world that most people will never see.  I get everything a girl could ever want.  I seem lucky.  In every picture, I look happy.  And I think about how inaccurate people’s impressions of me really are based on these photographs.  I can feel people looking at them, wondering why their lives are so mediocre in comparison.  I can feel them wondering where they have gone wrong.  I realize that I am guilty of the same line of questioning.  Sometimes when I see pictures of people having new babies or getting married or belonging with the people in their lives etc. I feel like something is wrong with me.  I feel the same way about them that they feel about me when I look at their photo albums or Instagram or Facebook feeds.  We have no way of knowing if the picture we are looking at is a picture taken of one smile amidst an entire day of tears.  We don’t tell people to take pictures of us when we are in a fetal position on the floor wondering if we can continue with life.  We don’t snap a selfie in the middle of an anxiety attack.  The wedding photographer is not there to capture you in the middle of a couple fight.  And honestly, even if it wasn’t about not wanting people to see those moments of our life, who would want to take a picture of those moments?  Who would even think to get a camera?  It just doesn’t seem like the time.  And yet it’s REAL. 

    tumblr_mhum4cw3IL1rnymjho1_500.jpgI wish that Instagram would dedicate a day to realness.  A day where people were encouraged to post whatever is real that day, regardless of whether or not it is ‘good’.  Perhaps I can encourage the ‘tribe’ to create a hash tag for it like #realifemoment.  Everyone loves a beautiful photograph of a wonderful moment in life.  But they also paint a picture of life that is only part of the picture.  They paint a picture that isn’t real.  They lead us to believe that life should be a fairy tale for us, because they lead us to believe that it is for everyone else here.  It isolates us in our pain.  It makes us wonder what we are doing wrong.  It makes us assume things about each other’s lives that don’t benefit anyone to assume.  

    Thinking about my friend swinging on the swing set at 11 years old, I am thinking about how different the inner world can be from the outer world.  I am thinking about the pain that can be going on beneath the surface of a life that seems to be kissed by sunlight from the outside.  And for her sake, I wish for this to be a world where we can see both the sunlight and the pain beneath the surface of each other’s lives.  I wish for us to really see each other.        

    friends.jpg                                                                                


      Report Blogpost


    User Feedback





    Teal, its really ok, you are my mirror, my soul loves you as deep as it can in this form. If we meet face to face, when you see my thoughts mirroring yours, words will lose meaning lol! Time will fold in on itself or some sht:)x


    Edited by Steve S

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Crying so many tears now dear Teal. It sounds like you are talking about me, I have felt this connection and fought with myself because I don't  want pain or disappoint by admitting I thought you were describing me and to find out you weren't would be disappointing. I remember feeling inferior to my friends growing up they had real pain that was visible, they were beaten by their families, raped or other horrors against their will and my pain was all internal my secret so shameful I didn't think I was as damaged, I didn't have a reason my life seemed so painful to me and my friends always said your life was so easy growing up compared to mine and the abuse I felt with. They didn't understand the depths of shame I was feeling having an incestuous relationship with my brother for a time as a child, they didn't see how my self concept and self trust and boundaries became so damaged like theirs. I thought you wouldn't understand my pain because it seems like nothing compared to the pain you have endured. But I have felt like your issues are mine and I couldn't understand how that could possibly be because my pain seems so small in comparison. I love you Teal, my ammunition at everyone's feet. 

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    "And for her sake, I wish for this to be a world where we can see both the sunlight and the pain beneath the surface of each other’s lives.  I wish for us to really see each other." I believe we will, we are. We are together in loving embrace as our future selves watching, waiting... understanding. 

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Thank you so much for being so authentic Teal, its absolutely incredible to know you feel the same way all of us do, I mean, you are getting rid of that 'spiritual guru' image that has been dominating the field for centuries, thank you, especially that none of us can do no wrong, the universe very much loves us, especially on how we love ourselves because we are the universe. I love you Teal, please continue to help those in desperate need of love, for they will be the people who will change the world alongside you.

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Thank you Teal. Your writing exhibits a wonder of true essence.  It is time to be real in all we do.... (So you guys can't really see what others have been through in this life or other incarnations  that have made an impression on the self/soul?)  Pain is a opening for many things and a connection to the universe.  Sending Love  and Blessings

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    You are adding value to the authenticity movement in this world Teal. 

    By doing this you are doing here with this blog: love it. I am not able to read your entire blog spots. Why? Focus. Luckily, i feel. This feels great. I don´t have much to say so this is it <3. 

    Thank you <3

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    It's beautiful how the desire to really connect and on a deeper level shines through what you are saying. Inspiring and reminds me to reach out too

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    This is actually part of the reason why I prefer being a little more serious. The majority have an over focussedness on happiness and fun to the point of denial. True though that in my case I could use more fun...genuine fun.

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    You've brought to light the future me. It's a dark shadow. I hope it doesn't mean I'll be in a bad place. And if it counts for anything. I don't envy your position as a teacher in actually really thankful. You're like the teacher I never had. You understand what it's like to not want to smile. #reallifemoment

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    When feeling in bad shape I try to practice triple-jump , because then the right technique is jumping as low as possible , almost hitting the ground ...

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Thank you, Teal. I love this post <3 Authenticity and realness bring people together. I like the picture of you moping on the ground, haha. I totally relate to that pose/expression. Isn't that funny how seeing someone vulnerable and "not ready for the camera" can make you love them more? see them more? It's something I've been trying as I get stronger - to be open and tell people "I don't feel good right now." Sometimes I get great loving responses. Sometimes people are repulsed by me. It's very interesting. Thank you again for your wonderful teachings. Fa'afetai tele!

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    Extremely relatable. I was just listening to the song "Dream" by Imagine Dragons and this synchs perfectly.

    "In the dark
    And I'm right on the middle mark
    I'm just in the tier of everything that rides below the surface

    We all are living in a dream
    But life ain't what it seems
    Oh everything's a mess
    And all these sorrows I have seen
    They lead me to believe
    That everything's a mess"

    To be completely honest with you, I didn't follow you on Instagramm because I thought you showed off and that it wasn't of any use besides making others feel bad. Now I see that you look beyond that and that there's more depth than I expected, which makes me quite glad. 

    When sorrow is all that's certain, you're even to low to only think a high vibrational thought, or to think about thinking a high vibrational thought. 

    So the only thing I am able to do is to take a look at the vibration that I am in this moment. Take the sorrow, go against my resisting instincts, pull it right into my heart chakra and see what happens. I either die or I see the sorrow for what is is, the shadow of love.

     

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites

    When the beholder beheld is also my mir-her, perfection is in the thigh of the beholder. 

    Share this comment


    Link to comment
    Share on other sites



    Create an account or sign in to comment

    You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

    Create an account

    Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

    Register a new account

    Sign in

    Already have an account? Sign in here.

    Sign In Now