The morning hit me like a semi truck. It is cruel against the veins and tissues that I am so estranged from in the night. I tensed against it. My whole body trembled and I was frozen somewhere inside that tremble. “You are Teal Swan, you are 32 years old. You are in your house. You just woke up. This happens a lot when you wake up. Nothing bad is happening.” I can hear my own inner voice talking to the aspect of me that (having just come back into the body) has no idea where I am and no idea of my identity.
The worst thing about out of body travel is that your reference for time and what is ‘real’ completely changes. You realize that what is ‘real’ to you is just an illusion created by your sensory perception. You realize that much of why we think this waking life is ‘real’ is because of time. We come back to the same linear timeline again and again. This consistency makes it seem more real than dream time and more solid. This is why when we wake up from a dream, we can say “ah…. that wasn’t real”. This starts to not be the case when you can see that linearity is not an indication of ‘realness’. It is simply a way of experiencing things so that progress and expansion can be better perceived. It is a construct.
I spent time last night surveying one of the human conditions. The lose-lose scenario of connection. The reality is that for the most part people are not emotionally safe to be in relationship with. Most people walking the earth have experienced some kind of trauma and as a result, they have armored themselves against the world. In fact, personalities and ways of being have developed as a protection to wear within the world. Instead of vulnerability, we interact with each other’s armor. We mistake that armor for ourselves. Armor and protection mechanisms are not safe for the person who is left outside of them (other people). This is why we usually never take off our armor around one another. No one wants to be the only one walking around a battlefield with their flesh naked against both shield and sword. But this creates a world where pain in relationships is inevitable and people’s degree of comfort with this fact has to do primarily with three things:
1. Whether their past experiences have shown them that the hurt caused by other people (the rupture in a relationship) can be remedied and reconnection can be achieved.
2. Whether they have developed the ability to regulate their own emotions so that if they get hurt, they can make themselves feel better regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do.
3. Whether they can disconnect from other people as a coping mechanism.
Sadly, many, many people do not fall into these categories and so the human condition is this: UNSAFETY. The lose-lose scenario of choosing between being completely alone and isolated as well as the starvation and unsafety that isolation entails. Or being around other people and trying to establish relationships with them when you will inevitably be superbly hurt by them and the unsafety that connection entails. Either way, you are committing to pain and therefore it is unsafe. In other words, one of the basic human conditions is not feeling good (safe) emotionally if you don’t have relationships with other people and not feeling good (safe) if you do have relationships with other people.
Last night, when I spent time exploring this human condition, I did not come back with any concrete answer for how to solve this ‘between rock and a hard place’ dilemma. Rather, I came back with a solid awareness of the condition and the inability to speak. This has made for a day of silent concept digestion. I was also left with the awareness that having a different experience within the context of relationships is also the only possible way to heal relationship dysfunction. Relationships that are safe, teach us to be safer towards others in relationships. None the less, I did not want to write anymore of my new book in this attitude. So instead, I recorded a new guided meditation. This new meditation is called ‘Discover Your Self Concept’. It puts your conscious mind in a state where your subconscious mind can reveal the hidden truth of the actual self-concept you hold. The idea is that you will experience the authentic truth about the way you really think about yourself, feel about yourself and see yourself.
I’ve been changing the way I do things lately. The tide of energy in the world is changing and so I have had to change with it. I’ve been hosting more intensives lately than one day workshops. I’ve been writing in waves as opposed to for days and months straight. I released premium content finally and I’ve committed to being less of a recluse by connecting to people through daily update videos. It feels good to be leaving some of the first phase of my work in the world behind. I feel sentimental towards it but not sad that a metamorphosis is taking place.
I have a confession. I discovered an aspect of my personality that really, really does not like being on stage and that is soft and receptive and ultra feminine. I buried her years ago to accomplish what I wanted to and to stay safer in the world. I’ve decided to name this aspect of me Lavender. She moves slowly, is quiet, loves simplicity, loves lace and even pale colors, she can feel people’s physical needs. She’s not much of a thinker and she’s really, really sweet. When I’m allowing myself to canvass this side of me, I feel sweet contentment. But most of all, she’s a kitchen witch. I mean this side of me eats, sleeps and breathes cooking. I’ve committed, for the sake of my overall health and wholeness, to letting this side of me out once a day at least. The result is that I have developed at least 60 new recipes over the past two weeks. I have been so happy in my kitchen I cannot even tell you.
For this reason, today instead of leaving you with something epic to finish this blog (like the other sides of me want to do), I am going to leave you with one of the new recipes I’ve developed in the hopes that you will try it for yourself.
Because I live in an intentional community, I developed this recipe to feed about 30 people. So, feel free to scale it down for a smaller family!
Teal’s Seattle Soup
10 cups Vegetable broth
8 cans (16 cups) full fat coconut milk
20 cloves garlic (crushed)
5 Tbsp sea salt
5 large butternut squash (peeled and cut into large chunks 3”x3”)
5 large sweet potatoes or yams (peeled and cut into large chunks 3”x3”)
8 green onions (chopped)
10 pinches (large pinches) cumin powder
6 Tbsp dry parsley flakes
8 Tbsp. Vegan butter (or coconut oil)
5 Tbsp. Olive oil
Place butter, oil, salt, sweet potatoes, squash, garlic and green onions in a very large put and sauté 5 minutes. Add broth, cumin, coconut milk and parsley flakes. Bring all to a boil, turn it down to a simmer and cook until veggies are tender. this takes about 35-40 minutes. Mash the big chunks up a bit so it is both creamy and chunky. Serve it hot.
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