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Another Painful Chapter

kila.jpgFor as long as I can remember, menses has been a time of torment. There was never a painless cycle in my life. I was 15 years old (the same year that I started my period) when I was first diagnosed with acute endometriosis. I was 20 years old when the doctors started talking about hysterectomy. For those of you that understand the mind-body connection, this will not come as a surprise because of my history of sexual abuse. And it will not come as a surprise because I grew up in a cowboy culture in the Western United States where it was better to not be born a girl in the first place. Menses was never a time of sacred feminine power, of renewal and of introspection. Instead, it was re-traumatizing. Every month, the kind of pain and bleeding that induces delirium and sweats and nausea and an immune system nose dive that no amount of medication (alternative or mainstream) could relieve. 

I spent 22 years exhausting all options for resolution from acupuncture to laparoscopic surgery to energy work to traveling to find herbal "cures" from all over the globe to insane diets to hormone therapies to electric devices that prevent pain signals from going to the spinal cord etc. Until I spent an entire year in a women’s circle doing feminine processes and shadow work with this as my primary focus relative to personal expansion and healing. When you look at a problem square in the face, dissecting every layer that goes into it, it is no longer a mystery why you have had no success solving it before. When I did this, every layer of the problem and every solution that it pointed to, led to the same thing. In order to heal my womb, I would have to change my life. I would have to change it so that I could finally be in conditions that were conducive to femininity. It sounds straightforward at face value. Until you realize that the entire life I currently lead is not conducive to femininity; most especially my career. And so, I found myself at a crossroads. All core health crises are like that. They put you in a choice point.

1.jpgThis entire story could be the length of a bible or longer. But here is a summary. I have spent my entire life trying to straddle two roads. Each road leading to two separate futures I have dreamed of. The left-hand path which is in alignment with my feminine needs. A path of a woman, a wife and a mother. To give you an image of what I mean, on this left-hand path, I have married a man because I am in love with him. It is a man who contains and provides and protects and in response, I am feminine and soft and nurturing. My life is smaller than it is now, but it is both warmer and sweeter. Because of all of this, I can blossom and my womb wants to bring forth new life.

And on the other side, the right-hand path, which is all about my purpose. The deep knowing of what I am and of what I am meant to be in this life. Destiny. The pursuit of achievement. To give you an image of what I mean, on this right-hand path, I am on stages across the world. I am a leader. I belong to the world instead of to a traditional family. I have chosen the people that I keep around me according to the needs of this purpose. My partner possesses entirely different qualities than the other man would. My life is very, very large. But it is a path that is much harder.  

win + mom feb2012 (44).JPGFor years, I did what any woman would. I tried to have both lives. But what no woman wants to admit to is that if you choose to have both, you must have less of each than you could achieve by committing all of your energy to one of them. If you are going to dedicate yourself to career life and to family life, you will have both. But less of both. For some people, that is right. For some people, a degree of both is exactly what they want. But the more successful I became and the more dedicated I became to my purpose, the more I suffered. Because the reality is that we live in a world made for men by men. A place not conducive to femininity, most especially if you are in pursuit of greatness. The choices I needed to make to continue to expand down the right-hand path, were completely juxtaposed to my femininity. And so, I had a choice to make. Was I going to choose a different life? Was I going to do what it takes to my life so I could experience what I knew would heal my womb? Consider what the impact of me making that choice would be on you. And the hypocrisy of thinking I should choose any differently, while at the same time benefitting from the content I produce on the right-hand path.       

The day I made my decision, the decision to choose the right-hand path, I went on a walk in the snow. I passed a dead fox (my spirit animal). It was an omen that a part of me would die. In February of this year, both the feminine and masculine polarity within me dissipated. Each offered those qualities of itself that could stay with this incarnation in this life and on this path I have chosen. I laid the dream of the alternative future I could have had on the left-hand path to rest. And I did so knowing that by choosing this path consciously, the very problem with my womb that I had been desperate to solve for 22 years would get worse. I did so knowing that it meant that I would have no more children. I did not play a zero-sum game when I did this. All parts of me found alignment before I moved forward, including my own womb. And I decided to take a step that I would not recommend for women in general to take. As a result of this extreme process of integration, on March 24th, I had a hysterectomy. It was one of the most physically and emotionally painful experiences of my entire life. It was also one of the most significant chapters of “The Making of Teal Swan”.

 I arrived at the decision to go through with hysterectomy on a spiritual, mental and emotional level. But at the time of surgery, to the total surprise of the surgeon, the endometriosis (which extended all the way up onto my diaphragm) was not my only issue. As it turns out, I had ascending salpingitis that had created 3 fallopian tube cysts. The surgery was medically necessary. There were so many poetic synchronicities that occurred during that experience. Things like the surgery taking place in a city called Phoenix, which is the symbol for personal re-birth. And opening the door to the home in Phoenix (the home that we rented during the procedure) to find it completely decorated with paintings and images of Frida Kahlo, whose own womb was impaled by an iron handrail in a bus accident. To a visitation by a scarlet red cardinal; the symbol of a departed loved one coming to visit you.          

24bc91f4-cd01-4703-babc-10eb57629f45.JPGI was not even remotely healed from this first surgery when the Deep End TV series was released. And the amount of pressure and pain and stress that slam series caused is worthy of its own novel. But that’s one of the terrible things about the elements of the right-hand path. It has no respect for what is good for you or whether you are healed or not. In fact, your adversaries prefer you to be vulnerable. Despite all of this, I decided to go through with the planned European Tour.

After Basel in Switzerland and Prague in The Czech Republic, my manager Matthias decided to take myself and the team to see his old homeland. We took a detour on our way to Budapest, Hungary and rented a house in Schliersee, Germany. And the day after we arrived, misfortune struck again. I experienced a rare complication called a cuff evisceration and dehiscence, where the suture line they make at the time of a hysterectomy tears open, and the intestine protrudes through the tear; which is a serious medical emergency.

2.jpgI was taken to the hospital and within the hour, I was back under the knife. All my newly healed abdominal laparoscopic scars had to be cut through all over again. Everything had to be put back into place. And I had to be completely re-stitched and then put on intravenous antibiotics for several days. As a result, instead of being on stage in Budapest, I found myself in a hospital bed in Germany. The German doctors and nurses were both exceptional in their craft and also caring. Still, there was nothing empowered about this dehiscence experience. It was incredibly traumatizing. It was the kind of experience that makes you insecure about your own body and its ability to heal right. It makes you feel as fragile as tissue paper and adds even more pressure to what can’t take any more pressure to begin with. Now, I am back at square one and I have to attempt the healing process all over again, which is very hard to accept. But there is no other choice than to accept it. And commit myself to the process all over again. For I have chosen the right-hand path.  

It seems only fitting to end this blog with the poem I wrote about my hysterectomy, on the day that the cardinal visited me...

The Death and The Bloom 

Maybe you were asking in the way you cried,

where it has gone to,

where it has been.

Sometimes a flower cannot bloom

for lack of adequate light.

All its sweetness

all its luster

all its feminine warmth

will never burgeon to be seen.

The question is...

when the unrelenting grasp of that darkness

quells its hope for life,

where does that latent flower go?

Maybe you were asking in the way you cried,

where I have gone to,

where I have been.

The answer is...

I am all around you.

Death can have no edict

where energy can neither be created

nor destroyed.

I am converted.

So do not stand at my grave and weep.

Faith is a thing with feathers.

It sings at the break of day.

It finally flies free.

And I am a bird now.

a859546e-8cbb-46bf-929f-f889744b0e86 copy.JPG

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Dear Teal, Ithat is a looot what you have been through... I am sending my best wishes, blesings, a lot of healing on all levels again❤️ and much love for you❤️👼🏼 Julia 

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You have been talking about the very things I have been experiencing as if you know me intimately, like you have first hand knowledge of the events in my life. I have never felt more connected to someone I've never met. Thank you for all that you do. I hope you feel supported and loved through your healing 💝

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I have always known how strong you are but reading this has sent shivers down my spine. You are incredibly strong and the brightest inspiration for me. I was worried when i saw the medical emergency announcement on your account, and now learning what happened, i am so sorry for that and i am wishing you a fast recovery Teal. The desicion you had to make is so heartbreaking, but also seeing your strength, fortitude, integrity and honesty is so inspiring. As someone who has been using your teachings nearly everyday for almost three years and has managed to at least start to build back my completly broken and lost self up, I thank you so deeply fir the sacrifice you made. I am really, truly grateful for your presence on this planet. Thank you so much for sharing your great wisdom for all of us who needs it. I am wishing you again, a fast recovery and many blessings Teal, you are truly one of a kind 🌌🌠✨💛

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Teal, it breaks my heart to read this. I feel so strongly about this. It is a tragedy that as women we have to sacrifice our femininity for our purpose or destiny. There are no words i could say that would explain that i empathize with how much pain you have to go through. I wish you to recover as best as you can, in your own time, and I hope the best for you in this extreme difficulty 😢❤️❤️❤️

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Dear Teal! 

I have so much respect for you making this decision, even though you knew how harshly it would effect you personally. I love and appreciate you for this, although I would even if you made a different decision. 

However! Please, take some time out to rest and heal... You chose this path, but please don't go to the point of sacrificing your health and yourself completely! It's very much adviced against to fly on a plane, but also to travel long distances in general within weeks of having gone through surgery....

I adore how important you consider us, but please, take good care of yourself. We love you and appreciate you anyway, you do so much for us, the least we can do is be patient for you to heal. So we will, if you decide to prioritize your health, at least for a while. 

Love, Petra

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Your ability to choose pain, choose negative consequences and choose contrast willingly in your life, fully knowing you could make easier choices for yourself blows my fucking mind. From woman to woman, this situation feels beyond unfair. When you talked about this situation in your last workshop, I had violent nausea, throat and womb pain just hearing about it, like I have on the first day of my period. The irony in all of this is that so much of the suffering you're teaching people to heal was caused by the suppression and abuse of the feminine polarity to begin with. You suffered that abuse on femininity first hand to an unspeakable degree, and now you're met with the same re-traumatizing resistance from society who literally will no hear a professional or pay attention to a message if not carried out in a super masculine way (fast-paced, hyper productive, constant marketing and constant showing up for people). It's like you have to be a hyper-functioning robot, constantly putting out more content for people not to forget you and to have the discipline of actually sticking with your teachings. 

I understand you chose this because you know yourself to not be separate from the people you help, thus abandoning them is abandoning you. But I can't help to think so many of these traumatic experiences shouldn't be here in the first place. It's a tragedy that the state of the world makes it so you need to make choices like this to remain in alignment with your purpose. It's a funny position to make super loving choices towards a collective that doesn't consciously love you back. It's like people are fighting you for helping them, defending their own demise, and even making it harder for you to give what you're meant to give. 

I wish you to find safety and rest, as much as you can find. I wish you more allyship with more women and men so you feel supported, even maybe to lighten the work load for you a little. I really hope there won't be any more complications with your physical health. I know I will continue to show up for you and your content long-term no matter what happens, because the more time passes, the more I see how needed and precious it is. This is a very hard path but we can make it so much easier if we don't give up on each other. 

Lots of love and support 💚

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It makes me boil with anger that someone so committed to humanity, to create a better world, someone so committed to being open hearted, has to face never ending torment. As if your painful past wasn't enough, as if your haters and complicated relationships weren't enough, now even your body becomes an instrument of pain.

These things make me angry at our very souls for choosing to go through hell from their detached perspectives. So often I find myself thinking that I would rather cease to exist altogether than to go back to spirit after I die... Not like I have a choice in that matter as person though.

I wish you all the love in the world.

As a silver lining, nothing stops now from becoming even more influential than the pope! 😎

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Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us in this way, Teal. 

Part of me would never choose this for you and my heart breaks and I am overcome with tears because the grief of your loss on every level is so profound. And yet, I 100% admit that another part of me would have you choose no other way. And every time.

Your choices have saved and utterly transformed my life (and the lives of so many others). Witnessing the way you choose to be with the themes of abuse, uterine dis-ease, and betrayal (themes that are mirrored in my own life) has brought me a clarity, validation, resolution and confidence that I was unable to find on my own. Your content has and continues to deepen, transform, and catapult my expansion and growth in ways that were previously unfathomable to me.

The level of gratitude I feel for you is indescribable. And brings me to tears every time that I touch it. 

I’m envisioning you surrounded by the exact support and love you need during this time.  Seeing you healed and vibrant and joyful with even more strength to carry out your mission. Please do take the time and space you need to heal your precious body and heart in whatever ways that feel best and in alignment for you... however that looks and however long it takes.

With my whole heart, thank you for your being…
Zoe. 💗✨💗

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I love your words and your vulnerability and your human-ness Teal.

All the love in the world to you beautiful 🧡

Have you heard of the 13th rite of the Munay-Ki womb healing process. I can't tell you how powerful it was for me and the other women in my group whether we still had wombs or not....

...It was apparantly channelled and created by amazonian women for Western women xx 

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Wow. What a destiny. I think you're so brave for making a choice and committing to a path, which I think a lot of other people would not have had the courage to do. The grass may be equally green on both sides but it is still greener there than in the middle. Just continue to put one foot in front of the other, and you will always be fine. I wish you a good and full recovery and to see you back, fit for fight on the road again, but not before taking the time your body needs to recover. You seem to be doing well, though.

Take care

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I am sending you healing energy. You are the strong woman I have had the pleasure to experience this lifetime. May your body heals to the best of its capacity to hold your life energy 💙🦢🕊

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Thank you for sharing this Teal. You have been such a guide on my journey. I wish I could support you in the same way that your wisdom has supported me. In the mean time: I will hold an image of you fully healed and skiing down the slopes this winter. Let me know if you need any administrative help or if there is anything else that I could take off of your plate during this difficult time. 


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