The Worst Habit Men Have in Romantic Relationships - Teal Swan Articles - Teal Swan Jump to content

The Worst Habit Men Have in Romantic Relationships

For most people, the goal of a romantic relationship is to establish a secure, feel-good partnership with someone who is truly compatible. But there are some behaviors that make this virtually impossible. Let’s take a look at the worst, unfortunately common, behavior that men have in romantic relationships. A behavior that gives a relationship 0% chance of working. 

The process of socialization that the vast majority of us were put through as children was a painful experience that laid the foundation for our social interactions as adults. Why?  Because it is a process in which we learn what about people in general and what about us is bad, wrong, unacceptable, unwanted and unlovable. We learned that in order to stay safe in our social group and get our needs met, we must alienate ourselves from and hide those aspects of ourselves. To the opposite, we must identify with and put forward whatever is seen as right, good, acceptable, desired and lovable.

In our adult relationships, this means that whether we are male or female, we spend our time trying to employ a strategy for how to get someone we want, rather than spending our time advertising who we genuinely are so that a person who would value us can actually recognize us. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: The Great Dupe of Dating. 

But the worst habit that men have when it comes to romantic relationships, is that they take this thing to a whole other level. The worst habit that men have in romantic relationships is that they become one man during the hunting phase of pursuing a relationship, and then switch to a whole other man when that hunting phase is over and they have actually achieved that relationship. 

When a man spots a woman that he wants to pursue a romantic relationship with, it can easily be compared to a man who is hunting. Just like a hunter has his mind on one goal, getting the kill, he has one goal in mind, get the girl. But a lot of men don’t play it out further than that. And he employs many of the same behaviors that a man does when he is hunting. He learns everything about her, so as to increase his odds of being able to achieve his aim. He uses deception such as camouflage to disguise anything about himself that might scare off the object of his affection. And bait, such as the woman’s affinities, needs and desires to lure her in. He becomes one track minded and obsessively focused on her. What all this amounts to, is that he is simply doing and being whatever it takes to get the girl. And it is very likely to work because he is behaving in a way that indicates to her that he is what she wants. But then, once he has the girl, he feels he can relax and drop the act he put on in order to get her. But low and behold, this is a bait and switch. This is a dupe. The man he is without those hunting behaviors, is not the man she wants. But she has only figured this out after she has already committed to him. 

Don’t think this dynamic only applies to heterosexual relationships. This behavior that is embedded in male psychology is rampant when homosexual males are pursuing other men as well. And men have different “goals” when it comes to hunting the object of their fancy. And a different definition of “getting the girl” or “getting the guy”. For example, for some men the goal is sex. So, they will put on this hunting act until they achieve intercourse. For others, it is for the woman to commit to them exclusively. So, they will put on this hunting act until they feel the woman is committed to them. For others, it is marriage. So, they will put on this hunting act until the days following the wedding day. And a big warning here. Some men perceive that they get more out of the pursuit and win than they do out of the relationship itself. So, some men are habitual and perpetual chasers.  

The thing is, there is no possible way for a relationship to actually be secure, actually please both people, actually be compatible and actually last if this is how the relationship was achieved for two glaring reasons. 

1. When a man does this, the woman is not actually signing up for him. She is signing up for the character he is playing in order to get her. So, when he shows his real character, she will reject him. The same is true in homosexual relationships.  

2. Men hunt down the object of their fancy because they are after something they think they will get as a result of getting that person. The person is a means to an end. Because of this, men have a nasty little habit of not actually caring or evaluating whether they actually are or are not compatible to the object of their fancy. When they have their eye on a prize, they tend to re-frame or ignore things about the other person that are not in fact a yes for him. And this sets things up for him to shower the other person with approval first, only to reject them later, even for the very things he initially showed approval for. In other words, the hunting behavior in a relationship usually also means he is not signing up for her (or if it is a homosexual relationship, he is not signing up for him). He is signing up for something he thinks he will get by virtue of being with her or him. 

Meet Julian. Julian has his eye on Brooke. Brooke is just about the prettiest girl he has seen. She also happens to be a dancer, which Julian loves. Julian feels very attracted to Brooke and subconsciously imagines that by getting into a relationship with her, it will be a huge self-esteem boost. It will increase his status, which he imagines will make all his other life goals easier to achieve. He wants to get her to commit to him as her boyfriend. So, Julian begins the hunt. He knows that girls like flowers, so he anonymously sends some to her dance studio. To peak her interest and let her know she has a secret admirer. He spends hours online, figuring out everything he can figure out about her. Because he found a picture that she volunteered for a dolphin rescue organization, he knows she likes sea life. So, on their first date, he takes her to an aquarium. On that date, he listens to every word she says and watches every reaction so as to build a profile on what is a yes and what is a no for her. So that he can become more of what is a yes for her and less of what is a no for her. He finds out she is a vegetarian, so he does not order meat at any meal they eat. He notices her scoff at a man who doesn’t help his wife carry the diaper bags, when she is visibly struggling to do that and to deal with their three kids at the same time. So, he makes sure to act as helpful as possible. He makes sure that he is the one to carry their food tray to the trash cans and open doors for her and also take the trash out to the curb when he drops her off at her house. Julian knows that in general, women don’t like it when they feel they have competition with other women for a man’s attention or feel insecure about themselves. And so, he makes sure to hide his porn addiction from her. Over time, he learns more and more about her and makes sure to mirror himself in the image of exactly what she wants and needs. An uber present man, whose number one priority is the woman in his life. A man who likes animals. A man whom fluently speaks the love language of service. 

It takes Brooke two months to decide to tell Julian “I love you”. And they slip into the land of exclusivity. Brooke is now Julian’s girlfriend. Now that the hunt is over, Julian begins to change. One night, he gets irritated at Brooke’s French bulldog snoring and demands that the dog sleep in another room, or he will go sleep on the couch. With Brooke now secured, his attentions go back to his work and his new method of hunting for status, which is to break records on his sales team. He is less and less focused on Brooke and she finds herself feeling lonely and not prioritized. He complains about feeling protein deprived and suddenly, there is more and more meat appearing in the fridge. When he comes home from work, it is obvious that what Julian wants out of a relationship, is a woman who is there to support his success, not a woman whom he has to serve. So, all the things he used to do to help her out, he no longer does. In fact, it becomes obvious that he expects her to do them for him instead. And she becomes aware that Julian has a serious porn addiction, which makes Brooke feel a deep sense of inadequacy. Brooke is superbly confused. How could this man she is now with be so different than the man she committed to? When she confronts Julian about this, he seems to always have excuses that pertain to the surface behaviors she doesn’t like, rather than the underlying issue, which is that he is acting like a totally different man. A man who wants a totally different kind of woman, but for Brooke to be that kind of woman. How did they go from being so compatible to it seeming like they are actually so incompatible? Needless to say, after months of tears and fights and complete confusion, Brooke ends the relationship in favor of another man.                    

It goes without saying that this problem amongst men is made much, much worse by the entire genre of material out there that is made for men about how to get a girl. Rather than realizing the entire dysfunction in this dynamic and encouraging men to attract a female with what is real about him, “experts” have made an absolute fortune teaching men how to have game, psychological tricks to use to make a woman fall in love with you, how to make any woman want you, how to get a girl’s attention, how to be a player, the secret to getting any woman into bed, seduction techniques, how to convince your girlfriend to marry you etc. etc. etc. 

Here is the critical truth that all men need to accept. That feel good sensation of having found a strategy that causes you to be wanted by someone, isn’t actually the result of you being wanted. In reality, they don’t want you. They want whatever you put forth so that they would think you are what they want. And you can’t keep an act up forever. Even if all you are after is to get someone to have sex with you, it’s not you they are having sex with, it’s the character you played. So, you are using them and you are actually alone because you have carefully crafted an overlay for them to sleep with rather than you. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: Overlay (What Prevents You From Having a Real Relationship). 

         When we are interested in a relationship with someone, we want them to approve of us and to want us. That is our goal. But we cannot go about securing relationships by figuring out what it is that will guarantee that we will be approved of and wanted by them and then putting that foot forward. Or by figuring out what it is that will cause them to reject and not want us and then hiding those things. We are not showing them all of who we are. We are hunting, rather than accurately representing our truth. And when it comes to a relationship, just because you have spotted something that you want to hunt, doesn’t mean that the relationship you are setting up is the one you actually want. If you are presenting only what allows you to “get the object of your fancy”, you are prone to changing the truth of who you are as well as changing the truth of what you want. And when you do this, you have effectively carried out a ‘bait and switch’. You are likely to dupe the very person you profess to have fallen in love with. This spells pain for both them and you. For this reason, what men need to keep in mind when it comes to relationships is this: Start as you intend to continue - forever. Why forever? Because imagining doing the things you are doing to “get the girl”, but forever, will show you very quickly what you do and don’t actually want to do and what is and isn’t actually true for you. The areas where the incompatibility between you and them may actually exist. It is those areas that will turn into fights and pain later. 

If the goal is actually to have a working relationship, you should definitely not give your all, in order to get into a relationship, only to drop the effort once you are in one. The behaviors you displayed in order to get into a relationship, are the very behaviors that will keep that relationship good once you are in it, those are the behaviors to which they said “yes, I want to be in a relationship with this” specifically by getting into that relationship with you. Another way of putting this is: To make a romantic relationship work, never stop courting the person you are with. And doing that makes it very important to make sure that whatever you are doing to get into a relationship is actually intrinsic and authentic.”                



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