The best way of describing indecision is that you are in a “frozen state” where you are stuck and you feel powerless to get free. The course of our lives is determined by decisions and so the happiness of our lives, depends upon them. We are on this earth for the purpose of expansion and progression and so when we are stuck where we are, especially if where we are is uncomfortable, our soul pulls at us to move forward and expand and the resistance we have to that movement is felt as extreme negative emotion.
First off, it is important for the sake of awareness to be aware that if you have a difficult time making decisions as an adult, you often find that as a child, you experienced one or both of two traumatic “freeze states”. The first is an experience (or many) where you felt like you couldn’t win no matter what you did. The classic damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario. The second is an experience (or many) where there was a high degree of value placed on right or wrong, success or failure. So you experienced painful consequences as a result of making the choice that your adult caregivers thought was wrong. This created a fear of making the wrong choice.
Let’s just jump right into it… what the hell should you do about you indecision?
1. If we can’t make a decision, it is because we fear the consequences. So ask yourself, “What do I think the consequences are of each potential decision?” In the western world, when we feel stuck because we can’t make a decision because we fear negative consequences on both sides, we call this being stuck between a rock and a hard place. So the question to ask yourself is, “What is the rock and what is the hard place?” What bad thing will happen if I make either decision? What does this consequence mean?
2. When you find what you are afraid of… face it. You will find that your worst-case scenarios deal directly with childhood wounds. Re-visit these wounds. Grant them your unconditional presence. Let’s say your worst-case scenario is abandonment. If you can feel the feeling of abandonment, be with the feeling of abandonment and use the feeling to access the memory of abandonment that is being triggered by the scenario you are currently in. To learn this process, watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Heal the Emotional Body”. When we integrate these childhood wounds, we will not feel the same way towards what we are afraid of. Potentially, if you chronically struggle to make decisions, you will even be lead to memories where you suffered as a result of making decisions as a child or memories where you are stuck in a lose lose scenario. Also, release resistance to the fear by allowing yourself to go to the worst case scenario and deliberately find thoughts to soothe yourself into feeling better about the worst case scenarios so they don’t preoccupy so much of your focus. The more aware we are of what we are afraid of, the more conscious we are and the less power these fears have over us. Find the beliefs you have about those worst-case scenarios. For example, if I think a consequence of making a decision might be, I’ll lose my whole family, then I ask myself, “Why would that be so bad?” and “What am I really afraid of about this worst case scenario and what it means?” The answer might be, if I lose my family, I’ll be all-alone. This is a belief I can work with. I can question the belief and change the belief. My favorite process for questioning a belief is offered by Byron Katie, it is a process called “The Work”. If you want to change a belief, you can watch my video on YouTube titled ‘How to Change a Belief”.
Remember that the meaning you give something controls how you feel. We have to be willing to alter the meaning of an experience if we want to feel better about it. And how we feel about something controls the decision we will make about something, or whether we will make a decision at all.
3. Once we have done that, we can take a look at each of these worst case scenarios and ask ourselves, “What is this potential consequence making me aware that I want?” Any time we are experiencing negative emotion or fear, we have keen awareness of what is unwanted. To the opposite side of that unwanted experience, we are coming into the awareness of what is really wanted. This is one of the main gifts of indecision. When we are in a space of indecision, we are gaining clear awareness about what it is that we truly want as well as the awareness of who we really are. First and foremost, we are becoming aware that what we want is clarity and to know ourselves and what we want. From there, our job is to focus on what we want. Focus is everything when it comes to decisions. If I focus on the fact that I don’t know, I’m giving more energy to not knowing and so I get more of that in my life. If I focus in an unconscious way on what I don’t want, I get more of that in my life. And so, I must focus on what I want, for the clarity of what decision to make to come into focus. If you’re struggling to figure out what you want, watch my video on YouTube titled “How to Discover What You Want”.
4. If we really can’t make a decision, we need to release resistance to the idea of having to make a decision and instead focus ourselves into alignment. In layman’s terms this means we have to deliberately focus at anything that causes us to feel good. In the universal sense, the minute we know what we want (which can be conscious or subconscious), our higher self already becomes the vibrational equivalent of that thing and we are then pulled towards it as if by a huge magnet. When we are focused on things that cause us to feel bad, we are turned in the opposite direction of it and when we are focused on things that cause us to feel good, we are turned in the direction of it. So if we will focus upon anything that causes us to feel good about any subject, we are allowing ourselves to flow towards what is wanted and then the opportunities and people and circumstances that are a match to what we want, come into manifested reality. It is very easy to then feel clear about the decision we need to make. The decisions made from a space of feeling good, are always the right decisions for you personally. The actions taken from a place of feeling good are always the right actions to take.
When it comes to making an important decision, unless you feel so inspired about taking an action that nothing could keep you from it, you are not ready to take action yet and so the order of the day is to just focus positively and release resistance to the negative that arises until the action you need to take feels undeniable. So, how does this look practically? Let’s say that you have to decide whether to end a relationship or not. But you just can’t decide. It seems like pain either way. You face and release resistance to the potential consequences of both staying in and ending the relationship by revisiting and integrating the wounds that are being triggered from childhood. You soothe yourself into feeling better about the potential consequences and question and change your thoughts about the consequences. You then focus on what this scenario is causing you to know that you want. So let’s pretend that it is causing you to know that you want to know yourself and what you want so clearly that you are confident of what decisions to make. Perhaps it is causing you to know that you want a partner that you are sure you want to be with because the relationship feels supportive and safe and consistent. You visualize what already having those things in your life would look alike or feel like. You think about why you want those things. You deliberately choose thoughts and things to focus on that make you believe it is possible for you. You look for ways you already do have those things you think you lack in your life already. OR if it’s too hard to focus on what you want, you focus on anything general that feels good like gratitude lists, funny movies, exercise, inspirational speeches etc. What you will find is that eventually, with enough alignment, the decision will become clear to you. You may find that when you are in alignment and thus feeling good, you know that the best choice is to end your relationship and instead of it feeling terrifying, it feels right. Then, you might feel the impulse to call your partner and ask to meet up so you can end the relationship. In other words, your inspired action or inspired decision will become clear to you. And it will be the decision that will bring you to the doorstep of what you want. And then, instead of trying to go find the opportunities and circumstances and people who you think will fulfill your desires, they will come to you and all you will have to do is say yes or no to it. But because you are already in alignment, the saying yes or no to the opportunities will be an easy choice or as we say in America, a no brainer. If we are in alignment and feeling good, the decisions we need to make come to us with no effort.
That sums up the way we intended to make decisions in this life before we came into this life and decided that making decisions was terrifying. But here are some more tips that may help you with your indecision.
1. You need to recognize that no decision is in fact a decision. It is a decision to not decide and this takes you out of the driver’s seat of your life completely. When you decide to not make a decision, a decision will be made for you by life and by those around you. You cannot stop the stream of life and you can’t stop time. There is no pause button on life and so, you have to ask yourself, is it serving me to be in the back seat of life and let the universe or other people decide my life for me right now, or does it not serve me? We have to be really honest with ourselves about the answer to that question but keep in mind that sometimes it absolutely is the best decision to just sit in the back seat and let life make the decision for you. Other times, it is absolute self-sabotage to let life make the decision for you. You already intuitively know whether your decision to not decide, is a beneficial practice of allowing or whether it is self-sabotage and the unwillingness to take responsibility for your own life.
2. No matter what decision you make, you can always make a different decision. Knowing this will help you to feel less stuck and trapped by the decisions you make. This universe is a free will universe and so, you retain the freedom to change your mind always. You can change course at any time and go in a radically different direction. You always have the ability to choose again. Choice is in fact the freedom that no one can ever take away from you. And every single decision we make, brings us closer to knowing the right decision for us specifically. Every decision brings us closer to knowing what we really want. This is important because to create the life we want, we first have to know what we want.
3. You can’t get this life wrong. Because every decision you make only brings greater clarity about what you really want, you are only ever moving closer to the life you came here to live. If you make a choice that feels emotionally wrong to you after you make it, all you did is gain more clarity about what you wanted and thus ads more to universal expansion. And the universe has not decided what is right and what is wrong for you. Free will is about your ability to choose and know what is right for you personally and not anyone else. So, you ultimately can’t make a wrong decision.
4. Take a serious look at your addiction to rightness and goodness. Why do you have to be right or good? What are you trying to get out of it? You cannot struggle with making a decision without first having an addiction to rightness and goodness. You need to look at the universal truth that there is no right or wrong because right or wrong is a matter of perspective. Right and wrong is born out of cultural relativism. Don’t believe me? Look at the world today. If you lived in an Eskimo culture, you would believe there is nothing wrong with killing your infant if you could not reasonably support it. If you lived in American culture, you’d believe someone who killed their infant should go to jail for murder. Your definition of right and wrong depends upon the society and family you were raised in. Hope they were right! And if you’re searching for a universal truth that will allow you to know what is right, here it is… there is no such thing as right or wrong. You can only make decisions based off of what feels in alignment for you personally and we may call that a ‘right decision’. Even if you just took any action and made any decision, that would be progression and movement and would give you more information about what is right for you and what you want.
5. The thing that we may hate about indecision is in fact uncertainty. Sometimes, when we feel the need to make a decision so strongly that we begin to resist indecision itself and feel the desperate urge to make a decision, we hold ourselves in a place of indecision. Whatever we resist persists. When this is the case, we have to take an opposite approach to indecision and become ok with it. For this reason, I want you to watch my YouTube video titled “How to Deal with Uncertainty”. I also want you to get outside the box and think of as may reasons as you can think of for why it is ok to not make a decision. The bottom line is, you will eventually make a decision. As your desires become more obvious to you through your life experience, they will gain strength and momentum and so it will simply become more and more uncomfortable to stay where you are until one day, you will know and the decision will be made. So, if you are feeling desperate to make a decision but don’t know what decision to make, repeat after me… I’ll know when I know. 6. Make your life practice, the practice of increasing your self-concept. The more self worth and self-esteem and self-love you have, the easier it is to make decisions that are right for you. You will have the confidence to know your heart and mind and other people’s approval or lack thereof will not factor into the decision making process. You will no longer be obsessed with how you appear. If you struggle with self worth, watch my videos on YouTube titled “How To Overcome Shame” “How To Develop Healthy Boundaries” and “ How Do I Discover Self Worth”.
7. Trust Your Gut. Trust your intuition. Most of the decisions we are faced with, we already know the answer to; we just don’t have the courage or readiness to act according to the answer we already have. Your intuition will not compete for airtime with your ego, which is ruled by fear. So it will often be the stable, solid, subtle knowing that is always there, just below the surface. The more you live according to your intuition, the louder your intuition will become. Your logical mind is ruled by a very limited perspective where as your intuition is ruled by an objective perspective. Analyzing your choices, often paralyzes you instead of helps you to make decisions. And often no matter how much information you have, making a decision does not get any easier. No matter what, your intuition will never lead you in the wrong direction. But know that the eternal soul has no intention to avoid pain. What it is after is expansion. And so, it often leads us to a learning experience that will provide us with the most expansion and growth. Sometimes this will feel amazing. Sometimes, this will feel like pain. But pain is often the greatest teacher and pushes us to become so much more. So ask yourself, “Is my goal to avoid pain, or is my goal to experience the things that I am wanting?” They are very different things. Also, if you struggle with intuition, you struggle with self-trust. For this reason, it is a good idea to watch my video on YouTube titled: “How to Trust Yourself.”
8. Flip a coin. If you simply must make a decision, you can flip a coin to make the decision and one of two things will happen. Either you will end the stalemate and move forward in the direction that the universe has decided for you, or by flipping the coin, you will become aware of which choice you truly wanted to make and then you can make that decision you are now aware you want to make.
After having outlined my suggestions for dealing with indecision, I could not fail to mention that when we think we have to make a decision between two options, it is often because we are inhibited and limited by our own perspective. If you get outside the box, you will find that almost always, there is a third option or more. So, when you feel trapped between two extremes, practice the art of thinking outside the box and looking for this third option. It is often a blend of the best of both options.
Once you make a decision, do everything you can do to find alignment with the decision you have made. As a creator, do not waste any energy doubting or second-guessing the decision you made. Do everything you can do to find ways to feel good about the choice you made and you will experience joy as a result of consciously allowing yourself to flow with the current of your own expansion. And remember, you cannot make a wrong choice.