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  • Self Soothing Process


    Your mind is meant to be a tool that you can use to assist your intention for this life. But this is simply not the reality for most people. For most of us, our mind uses us. When painful things happen, our mind is pulled into the vibrational range of the event that occurred and is then a point of attraction to which like-thoughts are drawn. Soon, we are spiraling downwards and spiraling fast. You are the junction where two aspects of you meet, your eternal aspect and your temporal aspect. The way you feel is really about the vibrational similarity or difference between these two aspects of you. If they are far apart in vibration you experience negative emotion and if they are close together, you experience positive emotion. Your thought influences the vibration you hold. Therefore, you can use your awareness of emotion and deliberate thought to close that vibrational distance between your eternal self and your temporal self. The mainstream psychology community would call this process self-soothing. So I’m going to introduce you to a self-soothing process that bridges the distance between your eternal self and your temporal self. I like doing this process through writing or typing, but some people can do it in their heads.
    Just as you would if you were planning on getting from point A to point B and had a map sitting in front of you, you are going to first decide where point A is and then you’d decide where point B is. And then you’d figure out how to bridge the distance between point A and point B.
    Point A is decided by answering three questions.
    1. What negative thing happened? What negative thoughts did it cause me to think? How did it make me feel?
    Point B is going to be decided by answering three questions.
    2. What did this experience cause me to know that I want? What did this experience cause me to know that I want to think? What did this experience cause me to know that I want to feel?
    And now, the final step in the process is that you are going to bridge the distance between where you are (point A) and where you want to be (point B) by thinking or writing down anything that causes you to feel a little bit better and a little bit better than that and a little bit better than that until you feel as if the things you have written for Point B are reachable, accessible, believable or current truth.
    Here is an example of a self-soothing process.
    Point A:
    What happened: I wrote my crush a letter six days ago and he has not responded to it at all. He has not been contacting me at all.
    What thoughts did it cause met to think: It caused my to think that I am worthless I am unsafe, that I was stupid for writing that letter that no one cares about me.
    How did it make me feel: Uncertain, unstable, confused, sick to my stomach, afraid, punished, like I did something wrong. Afraid of the future, worried, waiting for the axe to fall, unsafe, at his mercy, not cared about, like I’m falling for a merciless person. Abandoned. Forsaken. Alone. Unresolved, like there’s no solution, stuck and in a purgatory of waiting.
    Point B.
    What did it cause me to know that I want: I want to have a partner in my life who prioritizes the way I feel and who wants to actively work towards resolve and solution badly when conflict arises. I want someone who creates the third entity of the marriage with me and puts effort into it. I want someone who genuinely cares that I feel good and does what it takes to add to my happiness and take away distress. I want a man who values my time and values me enough to not make me wait on him to decide things. I want healthy boundaries.
    What thoughts did it cause me to know I want to think? I want to think, “My partner loves and values me” I want to think, “my happiness matters and the people in my life love me enough to add to it”. I want to think, “I am emotionally safe”.
    What did it cause me to know I want to feel? I want to feel empowered. I want to feel valued and like I am special. I want to feel excited for the future. I want to feel safe and feel the trust inherent in knowing I can keep myself safe.
    Bridge the distance:
    It is understandable why I feel this way, I expect to lose love and be punished every time I do something that displeases someone because that is what my mom did to me all growing up. Now I’m feeling like love should feel this way. But I’m open to the idea that it doesn’t need to be that way. Mom taught me that love is painful. In truth, I don’t have to feel like an idiot because I’m trauma bonded with this man so I feel like if I don’t latch on, I’ll be harmed by him or abandoned by him and thus and hurt by someone else. I am seeing that connection should feel good because it feels loving and supportive and warm, not because it is the only guarantee of not getting hurt. This is not an emotionally safe relationship. And I’m dedicated to keeping myself safe. I can close the door to this pattern of mine without closing the door to the person. To me, closing the door to the pattern would mean I would spend my time focusing on what I like to do and remind myself that I do not want to spend my life chasing after a man. I can’t know 100% why he is not writing back. I might in fact not be hearing back because of all the healing I’ve been doing lately. He might not be in my presence because I am now a match to a different kind of man, one who is committed and who honors my boundaries and who cherishes me and really wants a relationship with me. By not pursuing a man and leaving the ball in their court, I’m selecting for a man who really wants to “play in the game”. I am excited for someone who will not be passive in my life. I am so looking forward to the feeling of being with a man who really wants to be with me. I am so looking forward to being with a man who puts real effort into the relationship and real effort into my happiness/wellbeing. I am so looking forwards to being with a man who feels so lucky to have found me. I am feeling that a man who is capable of really participating in my life is right around the corner, waiting for me and that he will come into my life according to the law of attraction not because of bells and whistles. I’m super proud that I haven’t contacted him since writing that letter and I haven’t begged him to tell me what he’s thinking. I’ve been playing this correctly saying “you come forward and if you don’t come forward, I’ll eventually take that as your answer.” A solution is on its way. I don’t have to know until I know. Each day is getting better and better so one day I really will have the answer and I will have resolve and I will have closure. It’s ok to be where I am.
    There is only one wrong way to do this process and that is by not being tuned into your emotions enough to know whether a thought makes you feel better or worse. Think of this like paving a bridge between where you are and where you want to be. Follow the feeling of relief. But express as much as you need to in order to find relief. We might find that we need to express a lot of anger in order to feel good when we think a pessimistic thought. The exercise can be ended whenever you feel relief relative to the whole situation. Feel free to involve other people in this process if you feel inclined.
    It takes a bit of practice. But by doing this process, you are consciously deciding to alter your vibration relative to a subject. You are consciously drawing closer to the things you want to have manifest in your life, you are releasing resistance to unwanted things and you are experiencing the empowerment of being able to self sooth. This is an exercise I use in my own life on a weekly basis at least. So I encourage you to try it. And remember whatever you make a habit, your brain will learn to do on it’s own!