We must suspend our idea about right versus wrong as we learn about pedophilia because it doesn’t actually address the root of the situation at hand. It is as useless to debate whether pedophilia as a sexual orientation is right or wrong as it is to debate whether being homosexual as a sexual orientation is right or wrong. It is an urge, not an action. Many pedophiles feel the way they feel without ever acting out on it and molesting a child. When it comes to pedophilia, we are addressing a feeling. We are addressing an urge. And you can’t make a feeling go away just because you think the feeling is wrong to feel. I will be referring to people who experience a sexual attraction for children as pedophiles throughout the course of this video. This is for the sake of understanding, but the label of “pedophile” is not meant to shame, discredit or objectify anyone who feels sexual attraction for children in any way. We are born whole, but that wholeness is short lived because we are relationally dependent. Being born relationally dependent into families that socialize us into a society that is not fully evolved yet causes us to learn that some aspects of ourselves are acceptable, and others are not. What is acceptable vs. unacceptable depends on the perspective of the family you’re born into. The aspects of us that are seen as unacceptable (both positive and negative) are rejected by our family and the aspects that are seen as acceptable are not. So, being relationally dependent, in the name of survival, we do anything we can to disown and deny and suppress those aspects in ourselves that are disapproved of whilst exaggerating those that are approved of. We dissociate from what we disapprove of. This creates a split within us. This self-preservation instinct is in fact our first act of self-rejection. We have lost part of ourselves and so we begin to feel anguish and an emptiness inside. From this point on, we are attracted to people into our lives who mirror the aspect of us that we have suppressed, denied and rejected. We are a perfect match to them even though they seem to be the opposite of us, because that denied self is still part of us (it’s just suppressed from our awareness) and is still therefore, subject to the law of attraction. We fall in love with our lost self and as a result of connecting with them, we get to have our lost self back. For this reason, when we are with them, we feel more whole.
We also become sexually attracted to our subconscious definition of intimacy. This is why it is so common for people who were sexually abused as children to go on to become perpetrators of sexual abuse. This subconscious definition was set up in very childhood through our interactions with our attachment figures. As sad as it may seem, if the intimacy in our family is abusive, we often develop sexual fetishes that involve some level of abuse. It is true that for many of us, the craving for orgasm is the craving for relief, relief in the form of release. This feeling of relief becomes it’s own addiction. This is a big part of what we are addicted to if we are addicted to pornography. But ultimately on a higher level, the progression towards orgasm and the craving for orgasm is the progression towards and craving for oneness. Just like love is the movement towards oneness. To love someone, is to include them as you. To orgasm with someone as a byproduct of love, is to become conscious of the experience of being one. It is to move beyond the physical world, which separates us from one another and separates us from our eternal self. We do it to feel more whole. What does all this mean for a pedophile? The pedophile was hurt so badly as a child, that his or her entire child-ness and innocence had to be suppressed, denied and rejected for the sake of emotional, mental or physical survival. There is therefore an aspect of them that had to grow up way too fast and thus could not develop naturally and thus there is a part of themselves that they dissociated from that is frozen in a state of childhood. Now most people think that pedophilia cannot be cured, that the feelings will always be there, but that one can learn to manage those feelings so as to not act on them. But I do not agree. Pedophiles can eliminate their attraction to children if they regain their own innocence. This view upsets people who prefer the idea that sexual orientation is something that you are born with. But I can assure you that sexual attraction is much more complicated than we currently know and much more complicated than we are currently making it out to be. Sexual orientation is not as simple as “you’re born with it and you can’t change it”. There are also people who will point to developmental issues in the brain as a cause of pedophilia, but they fail to comprehend the possibility that consciousness exists beyond the brain and that the brain may form the way it does as a result of consciousness and external experiences that our consciousness encounters. What is innocence? Innocence is a lightness of being. It is a worry free state. It is a state where one has not compromised themselves or their morals in any way. There is a purity to the state because in a state of innocence, there is nothing obscuring our light. Most people associate innocence with ignorance or with weakness. Innocence is neither of those things. When we gain knowledge, we do not have to lose innocence. This only occurs if the knowledge we gain causes us to move into a space of pain or fear. And contrary to popular opinion, there is an immense bravery in innocence. Innocence is a state of openness. It is a fundamentally unafraid state. It’s light is not guarded. It is benevolent and untouchable. We may be able to obscure the light of our innocence to the degree that we have no awareness of it, but the light itself cannot be burnt out. We lose touch with our innocence when we become hurt and afraid. Under hatred there is always hurt and under hurt, there is always innocence.
It is sad to me that people associate naivety with innocence. It denotes the idea that people collectively feel that ignorance is bliss. It also denotes that there is a biblical holdover in society where we feel that knowledge is a sin. In fact the more wise you become and the more you understand about this universe, the closer you get to a state of innocence.
Pedophiles are not monsters. And not all pedophiles act out on their desires by molesting children. Many live in quiet desperation, unable to ever tell anyone. In many places there are mandatory reporting laws that say that if someone informs a therapist that they are afraid they might be a pedophile or that they have sexual inclinations towards children, regardless of whether they have or have not acted on those feelings, they must be reported to authorities. We hoped of course that this would cut down on child molestation. However, all this has done is cause pedophiles to stop seeking therapy entirely. Many people are too afraid of the legal consequences and the societal disgust to admit to their feelings and get help for them. And so there are in fact more pedophiles circulating in today’s society with no psychological or emotional support at all.
When a pedophile was young, they were hurt badly enough on a physical, mental or emotional level (or all three) that they suppressed, denied and rejected the aspect of themselves that was a child. First and foremost, they suppressed, denied and rejected their innocence. As a result, in order to become whole again, they are attracted to the aspect of themselves that they have lost. They are attracted to children because by being with a child, the innocence that they are missing can be a part of them again. It causes them to feel more whole. Pedophiles, who seem like monsters to the rest of us, are in fact just desperately craving to get their own innocence back. Ironically, by trying to get their own innocence back, pedophiles sometimes take innocence from the children they become attracted to, thereby inflicting the same wound on those children as was inflicted upon them. For this reason, it is best if the cycle of pain is stopped, but punishing the pedophile will not stop it. This punishment just makes their innocence even more unreachable. What needs to happen is that the pedophile needs to reclaim their own innocence again.
The person, who lost their innocence as a result of pain, often feels utter powerlessness. Assuming that they also lost their ability to really connect on an equal level with other people as a result of pain, their subconscious definition of love now revolves around subjugation, domination and often humiliation. Many truly believe that a person who submits to them, loves them. They feel a sense of power when they are dominating and in control and an adult can easily dominate and control a child. Unwilling to delve into their feelings of being powerless, insecure, incompetent and out of control of their own life, many pedophiles turn to sexual contact with a child as a way to feel powerful, secure, competent and in control of their life. There are some pedophiles who justify their sexual exploits with children as ok. While it is impossible to pick a definitive age after which children are capable of knowledgeable consent, most pedophiles do not understand sexual development in children and so they do not understand how damaging it actually is. It is easy to damage a person sexually as a child, either by equating sexuality to shame (such as making sexual curiosity wrong) or by doing the opposite and forcing sexuality on the child. As much as we may not like to admit it, children are sexual beings but this does not mean that children want to have sex with adults.
Children desire comfort, connection, and touch, and many are also curious about their own and other people's bodies. Children seek out this connection and express physical curiosity without a clear sense of the difference between sexual touch and friendly touch. But sexual offenders often confuse children's openness to touch and desire for physical attention as readiness or wanting to participate in adult sexuality.
Offenders even claim that the child initiated a sexual encounter or enjoyed the experience while it was happening. But children often find an adult's move to explicit sexual activity deeply confusing and harmful, and frequently they do not have a clear way to understand what is happening. The child in this scenario submits to what is happening regardless of whether or not they wanted or liked it.
Children's bodies physiologically have the capacity to respond to sexual touch, but that does not mean that the sexual touch was understood, wanted or that the child liked it. The child, who is usually nowhere near the age that their body is capable of conception, wants connection, not sex. That being said, it is not the sexual touch itself that is the most harmful thing to a child who is sexually abused. It is the other elements that accompany the sexual touch that are the most harmful, things like blame, shame, feeling powerless, secrecy, feeling like they do not get to have boundaries and do not get to choose what to do or not to do with their bodies etc. I do not enjoy the idea of aversion therapy. It may short cut a behavior, but it does nothing to heal the cause. But I am giving you this idea as a tool only because in our society, the damage you can do by engaging in a sex act with a child and the implications of being arrested for sexual abuse are too great not to mention it.
If you wish to program yourself in order to not act out on your urge to have sex with a child (knowing that this is not healing the cause, but is rather a behavioral control technique), you can set up associations in your mind between sexual excitement towards a child and negative things. For example, you can become sexually aroused and then switch to thinking about police arresting you or look at pictures of police making arrests. You can also become sexually aroused and then think about or look at pictures of snakes getting ready to bite or spiders. Choose something you have a very bad association with and use it to associate it with your feelings of arousal towards children. This can create a neural pathway where eventually, your arousal at the thought of having sex with a child, will ultimately lead to a negative reaction. Keep in mind that the damage done by aversion therapy itself may be something you will need help to heal in the future.
All this being said, how do we reclaim our innocence? We start with the knowledge that Innocence cannot ever be lost. Then we look to uncover our own innocence. Our innocence is hiding under our pain though. So to gain back our innocence we must stop trying to sedate our pain or escape from it and we must instead dive deeply into our pain. I have demonstrated a process for this in my YouTube video titled “How to heal the emotional body”. Somatic therapy is particularly helpful for people who struggle with pedophilia. We must rescue the child selves that have been suppressed, denied and disowned. The child self is the seed of innocence. For this reason, inner child work is literally essential for anyone struggling with pedophilia. Seek to fully understand yourself with compassion. You cannot regain your innocence if you are still looking at yourself like you are a bad person, like something is wrong with you and like you are a monster. The more you understand yourself in the context of someone who was hurt, the easier it will be to see your behaviors as what they are, a symptom of being hurt; rather than as a defect with no cause.
Develop self worth. If you are struggling with self worth, watch my YouTube video titled, “How Do I Discover Self Worth?” And work on developing healthy boundaries. If you want to learn about healthy boundaries, watch my YouTube video titled, “How to Develop Healthy Boundaries”. Boundaries will help you develop authenticity and integrity. And the more you develop authenticity and live from a place of integrity, the better you life will get and the less you will loathe yourself. Start meditating every day in whatever way works the best for you. Meditation benefit us in too many ways to mention, but one of these ways is that meditation gifts us with presence of mind and heart and thus gives us the capacity for great peace and great self-control. Most people, who struggle with pedophilia, feel utterly out of control of themselves and their lives. But control is such a resistant way of thinking about it. So instead of self-control, lets say that meditation puts us back in the driver’s seat relative to ourselves and as a result, urges do not compel us the way they once did. Start connecting with people with the intention of creating true intimacy. Intimacy is not about sex. Intimacy is about seeing into another person and letting them see into us. Practice being truly present with other people. Listen to them not just to understand them intellectually, but also to understand them emotionally. Begin to let yourself feel them and empathically connect with their experience. Be genuine with other people. Be authentic with people. And most especially capitalize on the bravery inherent within you by being willing to be vulnerable with other people. Connect with the aspects of yourself that are uncorrupted or untouched by doing things that cause you to feel light hearted… Do thing that make you laugh and play. But what exactly is play? Play is defined as engagement in an activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than for a serious or practical purpose. This is where we have to stop and think. In the very definition of the word play, we find the dysfunction of the society we have co-created. We have all grown up thinking that play is not synonymous with any purpose. We have been led to believe that there is something more important than happiness itself. Then we grow up and wonder why we aren’t happy without realizing that we aren’t happy because we don’t take the straight path to it by prioritizing enjoyment. Rather, we spend our lives beating about the bush hoping that our happiness will come as the end result of other priorities like keeping a reliable job or reaching our goals. Instead, consider that enjoyment has a serious practical purpose and ask yourself, every day, how could I play today? And do it.
If you’d like to protect your child from being taken advantage of, the best way to do that is to help your child understand his or her own sexuality as their sexual curiosity naturally develops. And even more than that, teach your child from a very young age about healthy boundaries. Keep in mind that we cannot violate our own child’s boundaries and teach them to have healthy boundaries.
I often see the parents of little girls, demanding that their daughters do what they want them to do; things like “kiss your auntie or uncle now” when the child doesn’t want to. Then expecting that when another adult comes onto them sexually, they will protest. They wont, we have trained them not to. We have trained them to ignore their own feelings and wants and needs. We must allow them to know its ok to set the rules for their own bodies and honor the rules other people have for their bodies. If you make your child obedient to adults, they will be obedient to every adult. Also, give them plenty of connection. See into your child’s heart and soul. Explore their wants and needs, likes and dislikes. A child who feels lonely or misunderstood or ignored or outcast is at serious risk for seeking that connection from an adult who in fact has sexual intentions towards him or her. See pedophilia as what it really is, which is a hurt person who is trying desperately to reconnect with their own innocence and the childhood that they lost and the inner child that they had to dissociate from to survive in the environment they were raised in. If you are a therapist, this is your prerogative when assisting someone who feels sexually attracted to children. This will be difficult because they will have to willingly re-visit and spend time with their own vulnerability and hurt, which is the last thing they will want to do. But it is doable. And it is also a beautiful process to facilitate. If you are suffering as a result of being a pedophiliac, you’re not evil and believe me, a much higher percentage of the population struggles with the same urges as you do than you realize. If you are a pedophile, reclaiming your own innocence is your new goal. Make innocence the central theme of your life. Allow the universe then to place people and circumstances in your path that will assist you to reconnect with your innocence. Treat everyone that crosses your path like they could be a messenger directly from source with part of the puzzle piece to reconnect with your own innocence.