In human society, the most liked people, are the people who are nice. These are the people who are agreeable, polite, friendly, considerate, placid and pleasing. We like nice people because we can find confluence with them very easily and thus, we don’t experience conflict. We feel at ease and even safe around them. You could say that nice people are the people who are the best at keeping a sense of social cohesion, peace and calm.
At face value, being nice is a good thing. But there is a dark side to niceness. And that dark side, can in fact be damaging enough to make overtly mean people seem better. Now, as it applies to men, despite the fact that nice people are so liked, it didn’t used to be that men were the most valued for being nice. But this is changing. It is a rather new developing trend within society. And believe me, it is a very, very dangerous one.
What I want to expose to your awareness today, is the dark side of nice men, the ways they damage others and the implications of us continuing down this path of valuing niceness in men more and more. Keep in mind that in this episode, I’m not going to help you to understand and have empathy for the origins of nice guys, nor am I going to offer solutions for it. I am simply going to show you how nice guys kill.
- We need to not confuse niceness with kindness. A person can be nice but not kind. Or a person can be kind, but not nice. The difference between nice and kind is the difference between day and night. Nice is in fact a self-centered behavior pattern where you are acting in a pleasing way so as to get people to like you and to avoid conflict. Kind is an other-oriented behavior where you demonstrate that you can act in the best interest of others. Kind people perform good deeds for others. You don’t have to be a nice person to be a kind person. In fact, a nice person, often acts against the best interests of others in favor of being liked or avoiding conflict themselves. Ok, so a nice person is self-centered and behaves narcissistically. A kind person feels empathy and acts in the best interests of others. A nice person is exhibiting weakness. A kind person is exhibiting strength. A nice person acts from self-interest and fear. A kind person acts from care and love.
- A nice man is not necessarily going to act in your best interests. I’m going to say this again… A nice man is not necessarily going to act in your best interests. He is going to act in his own best interests. What he cares the most about is the perks of being liked and avoiding conflict. The reason this is so hard to see, is because we perceive nice people to be good. And the way they do the damage that they do to others, is not by being mean and bad tempered and displaying overt zero-sum game behavior. Here is an example of this. Angelica was born to a narcissistic mother that was prone to verbal abuse and a nice father. When Angelica’s mother would verbally berate her, her father would stay silent, just watching it happen. She would be sent to her room. And her father would sit with her mother in order to de-escalate her. When the waters were calm and she was allowed out of her room, her father would pretend nothing happened and go to work on a project around the house and invite Angelica to join him. The whole time, he was acting nice, but he was not acting in the best interests of his daughter or his wife. He is keeping dysfunction alive and well in his own household. He is enabling abuse; he is preventing his wife from focusing on and healing her own negative patterns that will harm her and others in life. And he has abandoned his own daughter, without actually leaving the house. He is teaching his daughter to fend for herself and that she doesn’t deserve to be positively owned or protected by him. This will set her up for a life-long relationship with men who will fail to protect her and fail to really be there for her. Men who will abandon her for their own best interests, leaving her to fend for herself, even though they are technically still in her vicinity. Nice men are very dangerous men. But no one will see it, because that danger has a mask. An agreeable, polite, friendly, considerate, placid and pleasing one. This means, the whole world is unlikely to see it and will invalidate the damage they cause.
- A nice man is often an enabler in the worst sense of the word. An enabler is someone who encourages, indirectly supports, justifies and enables negative behavior in others; behavior that is harmful to others and behavior that is self-destructive. And they will do so whenever it is in their best interests to do so. They will do so whenever it gets them liked and guarantees them the perks of being liked. And they will do so whenever it allows them to avoid conflict and guarantees them that they will avoid the negative consequences of not being liked.
- A nice man is inauthentic, dishonest and can even be a downright liar. Because of this, they are actively engaged in deception. They just have to keep you from knowing it! To be agreeable, polite, friendly, considerate, placid and pleasing all the time, a person has to not reveal their actual thoughts and feelings. They also have to hide anything they do that people would find displeasing or cause conflict, from view. They do not reveal any truth about themselves whenever the hiding of that truth would get them liked and guarantee them the perks of being liked. And they will not reveal a truth about themselves whenever it allows them to avoid conflict and guarantees them that they will avoid the negative consequences of not being liked. This pattern of deception that they are committed to, can even become self-deception. They may even deceive themselves and hide the truth of their thoughts and feelings and personal truths from their own awareness and or acknowledgment. To understand more about this, you can watch my video titled: The Human Hyphen Pattern. Nice men will dupe you. What you thought you were getting with them, is not actually the truth of them. And you’re not actually in a relationship with a nice guy. You don’t even know who they are.
- A nice man is often two faced. How can a person be perceived as agreeable, polite, friendly, considerate, placid and pleasing if they are in in the room with two people that disagree or are opposed? They have to stay silent or find a creative way to validate each person’s perspective, but in a way that doesn’t upset the other. But if the two people happen to be in two different rooms, this is not a problem. They simply speak and act one way with one person and totally different, or even the opposite with the other. Nice guys are so good at doing this, they make the ideal double dealer or double agent. At the end of the day, you never know what is actually true about them. What they actually think, what they actually feel, what their actual opinion is, and what is really going on. So, the compatibility and confluence you experience with them, is false. And this two-faced behavior can easily become betrayal.
- A nice guy will harmonize discrepancies or contradictory pieces of information about themselves by separating them into individual compartments within his own mind. He will be a highly split and fragmented individual. He will be highly compartmentalized. When you start to notice these discrepancies and contradictory things about him, you will feel like you are with someone with split personality. To learn more about fragmentation, you can watch my video titled: Fragmentation, The Worldwide Disease. A nice guy will then come up with good guy affirming stories to justify these discrepancies. To give you an example of what I mean, Jim does not want to have to check with anyone before he makes a decision to do something. But he knows that this is not ok in a marriage and part of him really wants to be married. So, he’s got his wife trapped in an intermittent reinforcement pattern. One day he makes a decision to go camping without even telling her where he is. And the next, he prompts her to make every decision for the both of them. Of course, on the day he went camping, one of his friends got into a car wreck. While he was camping, he called that friend to see if he needed any help. When he got home, he had told both himself and his wife the story that one of his friends got in a car wreck and that he needed to be there for him during the time of emergency, without needing to focus on anyone else’s needs but his friend’s. He apologized profusely, but didn’t realize that he had revised history. And didn’t bother to address the discrepancies and contradictions within himself that led to the incident.
- A nice man fails to protect. This is the one that explains why the nice guy doesn’t get the girl and why people like to say that women like assholes. To protect, you can’t be nice, you have to be kind. You have to act in the best interests of someone, despite the fact that doing so puts you at odds with and causes you to be disliked by someone else. It is to step into conflict. Nice guys won’t do this. It goes against what they are wanting for themselves. Protection is one of the most important elements of masculine energy. It is one of the things that women, children, other men and indeed society at large need most from men. To understand more about this, watch three of my videos. The first titled: Why Women Like Assholes. And the second titled: What Every Man Needs to Know About Women. And the third titled: Containment, What a Woman Needs From a Man in a Relationship. What you need to get is that refusing to protect has MASSIVE consequences. And refusing to protect, is to enable the thing that is posing a threat, creating danger and causing harm and destruction.
- A nice guy will neglect you. He will leave you alone and leave you to fend for yourself in many ways. And he will do so without actually leaving you. He will do so with the whole world watching and thinking what a nice and therefore good guy he is. So many of the things that a child needs from a father or a woman needs from a man or a partner needs from a partner or a friend needs from a friend, he will simply not do. And not because he can’t… Because he chooses not to. He will choose not to because doing those things don’t suit his own personal interests. For example, you may need things like security, trust, reliability, containment, safety, to feel seen, positive ownership, reassurance, consideration, loyalty, to be able to count on him, genuine intimacy, emotional availability, truth, understanding, consistency, honesty, empathy, prioritization, genuine connection, compatibility, protection and to know what is real and make decisions in the relationship based on what is real etc. But doing those things, providing those things, might put him in the position to not be liked or to line up with conflict, either with you or with someone else he is more afraid of not being liked by. And so, over time, you will end up getting that he provides none of these things. So many of the things you need a man to do in a relationship or within society, a nice guy will not do, if doing so causes him to risk not being liked, and a nice guy will not do if it means he will get into a conflict. And what you have to get is that the pain of this, is not just about needs not being met. That implies it’s only about the absence of something, or starvation. It is about that. But it’s also about the dire consequences of being neglected in those ways and therefore those needs not being met. For example, a husband who is nice may fail to provide containment for his wife. As a result, she may become anxious, hyper masculine, armored and controlling and because of it, not act in a nurturing way towards the children. Those children will grow up to perceive the world to be a dangerous place, where they can expect no warmth. And they may develop harsh protector personalities as a result, behavioral self-preservation tendencies that damage their adult relationships and also their own children. There are extreme consequences to neglect of any kind. Not doing something that is needed can be as damaging and sometimes even more damaging than doing something that is harmful.
- Nice guys often flip the polarity in their relationships. And even remain in their little boy energy and mentality. This is especially visible in male-female dynamics. They gradually make it so that the female child or woman in the relationship is providing for him, the things that he should be providing for her. For example, he might make his daughter responsible for making sure that his need for security is met, by holding her responsible to encourage him. Or he might put the woman in his life in the position of providing for him. Or he might behave so passively that all the initiative and leadership must be taken by the woman in his life. Or he might behave like a child when he encounters a problem, running away from it or breaking down or saying he “can’t”, leaving the woman to solve it for the both of them. A woman cannot maintain her femininity in a relationship with a nice guy… A nice guy will do whenever gets him liked and guarantees him the perks of being liked. A nice guy will do whenever allows him to avoid conflict and gives him the biggest chance of avoiding the negative consequences of not being liked. And he is willing to do so against the best interests of any woman in his life." To maintain her femininity, she will have to distance herself from him. I also need to remind you that in general, niceness is an adaptive behavior that occurs when someone has to endear themselves to someone with more power in order to stay safe and get their needs met. Therefore, we could say that niceness is a little boy behavior, rather than a masculine behavior in general.
- A nice guy is giving to get. Most of what he does, comes with strings attached. After all, he is being nice and doing nice things, because of the personal benefit he thinks he will get by doing so. And if he doesn’t get what he wants, he will find other, manipulative ways to get it. The result will be that more and more, you will find yourself totally drained to the core by him. Also confused. He is so nice, but somehow, you will feel like it is a one-way relationship.
- You will most likely be put at the mercy of someone else in their life. And or in constant conflict with someone in their life, as if it is you vs. that person. You are not actually safe with a nice guy if you are the person that he is most interested in being liked by and in confluence with. It will simply seem like you are at first. When someone else becomes the person they are interested in being liked by and in confluence with, you will either be put at that mercy of that person’s best interests. Or, you will be put in a position where they scoot themselves out of their position of holding any boundaries for themselves, and instead, find yourself having to duke it out with each other or even over him. Here is an example. Ethan is a really nice guy. He has always had a very close relationship with his mother. She is his “best friend”. Ethan married a woman named Isabel. Isabel feels like she is at the mercy of Ethan’s mother’s needs and wishes. The reason being that though Ethan validates the fact that his mother is demanding and often rolls his eyes at her requests, she always ends up getting her way, despite Isabel’s best interests. Ethan’s mother is the one he is the most interested in being liked by and the most afraid to displease. So, he will require Isabel to accommodate and comply to his mother, for his sake. On more than one occasion, these conflicts of interest have escalated into conflicts between Isabel and Ethan’s mother. What Isabel needs to wake up to, is the fact that there is no Ethan’s truth in this whole matter. He is not asserting his own desires and his own boundaries with his mother or with his wife. Doing so would displease them both and cause conflicts with them both. He couldn’t be seen as a “nice guy”. Instead, he is taking himself out of the equation and is presenting their desires and their boundaries to each other, as if he were not even a factor in the equation. And he is arguing his mother’s needs, to his wife, not his own needs in the situation.
- Nice guys are actually very controlling. They are covertly controlling. They want their world to run smooth. They want to avoid conflict and negativity and experience confluence and positivity. And so, they manipulate specifically to try to control the people around them. They will do so by creating consequences that ‘seem’ out of their control, but that actually are within their control. For example, imagine a man feels threatened by the presence of another man in his girlfriend’s life. He will say “I think it’s good that you have him in your life, you can’t spend all your time with only me!”. But every time this man comes around, he will shut down and withdraw. His girlfriend doesn’t even need to be conscious of it, she learns that on an energetic level, the consequence of being around the other man is her partner’s withdrawal. So, she will develop anxiety about spending time with other men, and gradually become isolated from everyone but him. He has successfully managed to control her behavior that threatens him, without her even realizing what has happened. Their controlling behavior will ultimately leave you in a place where you are responsible for the wellbeing of their self-esteem and responsible for the smoothness of their world, so that they can be there for you.
Nice guys will gravitate towards someone unlikable, fuel their unlikability and benefit by them being the unlikable one. Nice guys gravitate to unlikable people for two reasons. First, unlikable people are the external reflection of what they are suppressing, denying and disowning in themselves. Second, being near unlikable people makes them even more likable by comparison. The more disagreeable, impolite, unfriendly, inconsiderate, aggressive and displeasing someone is, the more agreeable, polite, friendly, considerate, placid and pleasing you seem, both to yourself and to others. If you are in a relationship with a nice guy, you will always be seen as the unlikable, bad and wrong one. This is a dangerous position to be in because it means they can easily scapegoat you. And people will be on their side, even if they, themselves are the problem, because people automatically assume that the nice one, is the good guy. And they know that!
On top of this, they will not only enable, but fuel the unlikable person’s behavior, keeping them unlikable because they benefit personally from it. People will see them as even more of a nice person and like them even more if they are such a saint as to maintain a relationship with a person who is so unlikable. Essentially, if you are in a relationship with a nice guy, prepare for them to be the problem, but for you to be seen as the problem instead. Prepare to the bad guy.
And don’t fall for the apologizing or the “I take ownership of what I did wrong” act. People who genuinely take responsibility, change their behavior that is problematic. Instead of actually changing problematic behavior, nice guys simply apologize and take responsibility for their actions when they are caught because they know this ends conflicts, gets them out of the pressure of being disliked and makes them get liked even more.
- By signing up for a relationship with a nice guy, you will be signing up for a unique kind of toxic cycle. By definition, nice guys are suppressors. Feelings and needs are meant to be acknowledged and expressed and when they aren’t, they will find another outlet. The pressure and frustration and resentment starts to build in them. They will suppress that and never show it. They will suppress anything negative. This means their partner is being tanked. Their partner, or the people around them will feel and express whatever they don’t acknowledge and suppress. This means that the people around them will grow more and more explosive and more and more unhinged. On top of this, that internal pressure builds to the point where it leaks. It leaks as passive aggressive behavior, snarky comments, strange choices or actions that don’t seem consistent with the truths they’ve expressed, sarcasm, whining, needling and physical ailments. And it is coped with through addictive behaviors like spending sprees, alcohol or most especially, fatty, sugary, starchy comfort foods. When you respond to the tanking and leaked truths and addictive behavior with surprise and get upset or even worse, angry about it, this will reinforce their belief that their negative feelings and their truths (that would be disliked) should never be expressed. And this becomes a vicious cycle where the behaviors become worse and worse. And you will find yourself confused and frozen, not understanding what is going on, feeling like your security is dependent on solving the Rubik’s Cube of them and of your relationship alone. You will be alone, trying desperately to figure out what their truth is, what is right for them, what to do to make things better, what your part in the vicious cycle is, what they want and why they are doing what they are doing. And the worst part is, they will not tell you.
- Nice guys are highly manipulative. They can’t risk conflict or being seen negatively by coming out directly with their needs. Instead, they have to manipulate other people and manipulate situations to get their needs met. And you will find yourself in situations you would never have agreed to, because of it. For example, Dwayne is a nice guy. But Dwayne does not want to be responsible for doing the dishes. So, instead of asserting his need for there to be a different solution to him doing the dishes, he loads the dishwasher with the crockery in the way of the spinning blades or pretends that he didn’t understand his partner when he was asked to do the dishes. He is forcing other people to take care of it in a manipulative way. Or for example, Oliver, who is also a nice guy, has wanted to be supported in his own personal success goals for his whole life. But he was never allowed to go for his own success. He was only ever allowed to be the support to someone else. So, he gets a job on a team designed to support a professional athlete. But slowly, he flips everything so that the entire team is supporting him. They are running errands he asks them to run, so he can be more effective at his job. They are fetching him food at lunch time, so he can be more effective at his job. They are covering for him when he makes mistakes or drops balls, so it doesn’t affect the athlete. They are supporting him emotionally, so he can be “on point” in his position. He convinces them that supporting him, is them supporting the athlete, but even though Oliver is happy finally being supported by everyone, everyone else feels confused and angry because they didn’t sign up for putting their energy towards Oliver. The energy of the team is being diverted, making the team and the athlete much less successful.
And one more I’m going to give you is that nice guys will not and do not grasp the depth and seriousness of their beliefs and their behaviors and do not actually see the damage they are doing to you. Imagine this like someone setting fire to your house, but when you scream and cry for them to stop and try to get them to understand and see what they are doing, they will not respond appropriately. They will either deflect, as if someone else or something else is the reason for it. Or they will respond as if what they are seeing that they did to you, was to shut the door too loud.
By definition, this means that they are in a different reality than the people around them, including their own partner. The depth of desperation and despair that people around them feel because of this, is quite frankly indescribable. And people often end up having to leave them because with this behavior (and so many others that I have already mentioned) they behave so incredibly unworkable. The reason that they do this, is because they are identified with being nice, and cannot rectify their knowing of themselves as being nice, with being told that they have done something bad enough to qualify as a bad guy. It is too threatening to their self-concept and to everything they need and want in their life. They pride themselves on being a good guy to the degree that they literally refuse to see the true depth and seriousness of what they have done and what they are doing. And so, no action they take to try to remedy the situation or create repair in the relationship, is taken from reality. It rarely addresses the actual problem. Because they are not in reality about what is happening and what they are doing. And because they are not in reality about the seriousness of their beliefs and behavior and the things they say and do or don’t say and don’t do, they are intensely gaslighting. And this, makes people around them not only feel alone. But alone in pain. Not only alone in pain, but alone in pain that was caused by them. Not only in alone in pain caused by them, but also as if they are losing their mind and their grip on reality.
There is a far bigger picture than the one that emerges from the picture of damage that nice guys cause in personal relationships. A bigger picture that applies to the world at large. We need kind men. This world needs kind men desperately. A kind man will act out of a deep-rooted love for his fellow living beings. He will do what is right and what is needed, and consciously choose the consequences, even to himself when necessary. Men, when they are in their masculine center, are not mean or cruel. They are kind. But the world does not need nice men. The implications of continuing down this road where niceness rather than kindness is the standard that men are held accountable to, is that we will end up with men that do not embody any of the qualities of masculinity. Desperately needed qualities. And the absence of these qualities within society will lead to drastic consequences for us all. A nice man conforms his behavior to what he believes others, especially society sees as “nice” for his own benefit and to avoid consequences to himself. This man, may just be the most dangerous man there is, because of what he will not only fail to do, but choose not to do, in a time when he is needed most. If the men of a society become agreeable, polite, friendly, considerate, placid and pleasing in the face of a threat to the wellbeing of the members of that society, what will become of the people then? And who might love to capitalize on that? The reality is that we are being systematically weakened. And we are actively participating in that process of weakening. And we will suffer the consequences of doing so.
The nice guy is not a good guy. The nice guy is a very dangerous guy. He just has a different method of destroying himself and the people around him.