A great many of us on this earth expect disappointment in our lives. We live painful lives of constriction. And the restriction we suffer from is the restriction of joy. We do not let ourselves get our hopes up. In fact, we do not let ourselves feel positive emotion because feeling positive emotion makes us feel vulnerable to hurt. We feel a kind of familiar, safe comfort when we are feeling negative emotional states, like depression, because when we feel that way, we can be certain that there is no further to fall and so we will not experience the fall of disappointment. This is important to understand, if you are a person who thinks that depression or sadness feels real or that there is a kind of familiar, homey-ness and a settled trust in negative emotional states like depression and sadness, the reason is that you not only expect disappointment, but you are also are desperately afraid of disappointment. The only time we are guaranteed emotional safety, is when we are already feeling unhappy.
Those of us, who expect disappointment, panic when things are looking up. We are always looking for the negative in every situation so we don’t get blindsided by it. We experience love as a kind of nostalgia. We miss the object of our love before the object of our love is even gone. We feel the most powerless and desperate when things go well for us, because we live our lives according to the belief that the universe is out to get us and “the higher they rise, the harder they fall”.
Most of us who expect disappointment, experience ourselves as a disappointment. We experience ourselves this way because growing up, we felt as if we were a disappointment to our parents or teachers or some other authority figure. We are hyper critical of ourselves. Nothing we ever do is good enough to mean that we have worth and value. If things went well for us, it would mean that we are worthy of them going right for us; and we simply cannot believe that. We believe we are not worthy of positive treatment by the universe. We think we do not deserve things to work out for us. We think we do not deserve that big break or that perfect mate or that pay raise. We do not know why we deserve life to go badly for us, or what we did to deserve that pain. All we know is that we must deserve it because that is what we have become accustomed to getting. What’s even worse is that those of us who expect and fear disappointment, train ourselves to always expect the worst-case scenario so we never have to be disappointed. Mind creates reality, so in reality, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But it is important to remember that if you are currently expecting disappointment or are helping someone who expects disappointment, the very worst thing you can do is to remind yourself or them that thinking this way does no good because it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. This will not help you or them to stop thinking this way. All this will do is add worry and shame on top of the feeling of impending disappointment.
If you expect disappointment, begin a list of times when you expected the worst-case scenario (which is the advanced version of expecting disappointment) and the worst-case scenario didn’t happen. Maybe we expected to be stood up on a date, but they just ended up being late because of a traffic jam. Maybe we expected someone to die, but they ended up recovering. Maybe we expected an opportunity to fall through that just took a little more time to come through. When you are looking at proof that disappointment does not always happen, your brain cannot attach to the expectation of disappointment with such fervor anymore.
The basic fear that lies beneath the surface of those who expect disappointment is the fear that powerlessness is the truth of our existence. This powerlessness stems from the belief that you do not create your own reality. The only people who fear disappointment are those who think that they do not ultimately have control over their lives. They think that life happens to them and that their experiences are determined by something larger and more powerful than them. The question is, what? Many of us who believe that we create our own reality do not carry this belief to our core, because the belief in our powerlessness runs even deeper and is a holdover from our childhood experience.
Here are some suggestions for transforming disappointment if you are currently dealing with a disappointment:
Let yourself feel and express that disappointment. Admit to it. Most of us are not adept at allowing ourselves to go through a process without trying to speed it up. This resistance to the feeling of disappointment keeps us stuck in disappointment. Let yourself express to others or/and into a journal how disappointed you feel and let yourself sink into and explore the sensations and emotions and feelings associated with that disappointment, without having to change it. You need to be genuinely ready to move forward in order to move forward and you can’t do that until you’ve faced the disappointment that you feel. You should never expect yourself to just get over it.
Gain some outside perspective. Allow others to know how disappointed you feel. Involve them in your healing process. They just might have a way of looking at the situation that you never though of before. Getting a broader perspective is always helpful when our own perspective is limited (which it is when we are in pain). Keep in mind that this step cannot be done until you have allowed yourself to feel the feeling of being disappointed. Do not use other people’s perspectives to invalidate yourself by talking yourself out of allowing yourself to feel disappointed, only do it when you’re really ready to shift your perspectives.
Don’t take it personally and don’t blame yourself. This step is easier said than done. But most of us make it personal when we experience disappointment. We begin to look for what we did wrong to deserve the pain. Insight about the experience can only come if you are not taking it personally. You aren’t going to learn anything if you’re beating yourself up, or shaming yourself, which is what self-blame is. It is important to understand that our experiences have nothing to do with deserving or not deserving, being good enough or not being good enough. It has to do with our thoughts and our true desires. The law of attraction is not a personal process. It responds by mirroring your vibration (which is dictated by your dominant thoughts) and your point of desire exactly. It is not selective about who or what it applies itself to. It is as impartial as gravity. It is not here to punish you.
If something disappointing happens, look for or remain open to the possibility of a silver lining. You cannot completely exclude the possibility that it was in fact not what you have been asking for and something that is in fact what you have been asking for is right around the corner. Finding approval for something that disappointed us is the ultimate form of acceptance and acceptance is what enables us to move beyond the disappointment to something better. If we are thinking outside the box, it is possible to find something positive about every situation. One of the best exercises to counteract disappointment is to write a list of positive aspects about the disappointment in your positive aspects journal. Not only does this help to make you feel better about the situation, it prevents your mind from winding its way into a downward spiral.
Practice non-attachment. It is possible to desire something while at the same time, not becoming attached to that certain outcome. Detachment is not the same thing as non-attachment. To detach is to emotionally defend yourself against pain. To practice non-attachment is to practice trust and allow the universe to deliver your desires to you in ways that you cannot even foresee yet. This process helps you to not limit yourself to one outcome. It is to recognize that your desires could come in completely unexpected ways and the more attached we are to a certain thing, the more we exclude other opportunities and possibilities that could be even better.
Make a new plan. Disappointment provides an opportunity to re evaluate. When we are disappointed, often it is an indication to change something about our approach to getting what we want. What insight was gained from the disappointment? What needs to be done differently in the future? There is always something valuable to be learned from disappointment. But keep in mind, this is only valid if the thing you learn is empowering. If you are thinking “I learned that next time I need to just expect that I’m going to be disappointed”, you are not opening up to learning. You are closing off to pain. Remember that it is fine to switch horses mid stream or change course unexpectedly. Some of the biggest successes come on the heels of the biggest disappointments because those disappointments were jarring enough to cause people to make radical changes. Radical changes that really worked.
Take note of the things that are going right for you right here and now. When we slip into disappointment, we begin to see our lives in terms of lack. The tease and loss of what we wanted has made us more aware of the absence of wanted things in our life. To counteract this tailspin, we can simply sit down and take note of all the things that we do want in our lives that are already part of our lives. What are you grateful for? What do you love about your life? What successes do you already have under your belt? What is good about your life? This will enable you to see the bigger picture. Don’t just think big. Think small too. If you enjoy your cup of coffee in the morning, that is something good that you have. The more good things you recognize that you have, the less absent your life will seem of things that are wanted; and the less deprived you will feel.
Don’t take action. Take a break. Wait for the inspiration to come back to you before you take another step in the direction of what you have been wanting. We tend to be quite desperate after a big disappointment and taking action from a place of desperation is a really bad idea. You do not want to DO anything from a vibration of disappointment. And when you do begin again to go in the direction of what you want, think baby steps. Disappointment is a real blow to self-confidence. When you accomplish steps, your confidence will increase and you will find it easier to work up to positive expectation again and believe that what you want is meant to be yours.
Be open to new opportunities. There is saying that I love regardless of its religious orientation. It goes like this, “When god closes a door, he opens a window.” It reflects a truth in this universe. Opportunities are everywhere. One opportunity cannot close without another opening. And so often, the new opportunity is way better than the last. Just because you feel disappointed today, does not mean that you should be. In fact, most of the time we are simply “taking inventory” too soon. We cannot yet see that what we have been asking for is right around the corner and that in years to come, we will be glad the thing we thought we wanted, didn’t come through.
- Never stop going in the direction of what you want. Never give up. Life is meaningless if it is not lived in the pursuit of happiness and passion. Disappointment is a ditch in the road to that happiness. If we let that ditch stop our progress completely, our life becomes meaningless. A life that is full of nothing but an endless chain of disappointment is still a million times better than a meaningless life. Anyone who has given up on their dreams can tell you this.
Expansion can only happen if we actually achieve desires, otherwise we are atrophied where we are. We have no new platform from which to expand and that does not benefit the universe at all. The universe only experiences expansion when you have a new platform of perspective based on having lined up with and lived out your desires. This means, you are not meant to come here to be disappointed and the universe doesn’t want you to be disappointed because being disappointed does not serve the universe’s best interests. You are meant to experience every single thing you want to experience in your lifetime. Disappointment can and will only ever be temporary.
Choose Your Message
Designed to provide you with the specific message that you are the closest vibrational match to at the moment.