I realize that I have been on a “love tangent” lately. That is because love is the theme of my healing cycle right now. And so, as this blog is essentially my living, breathing public journal, In order to maintain authenticity, I must continue to talk about love. In all honesty, this subject has turned into an obsession for me lately. My life is doing its job nicely. It is running me up against all the circumstances I could possibly need to be run up against so that my shadows relative to love will be shaken from me. It is arduous. I’m tired of being in pain. But it is the truth of my current state and so; I must try to release resistance to the fact that I am in pain by being with the pain, admitting to it, exploring it and letting it teach me. This is not a graceful process.
I feel the absence of love in every corner of my life here in Utah. I feel it when I wake up in my bed alone. It is the wintertime now and so every morning, I wake up to the dark of the pre dawn morning in the cold and I feel forsaken. I feel it when it is breakfast time and I cannot emotionally force myself to make a single serving. I feel the absence of love when I am up against the pressures of running a business and maintaining a public profile and just need someone to hold me, but no one is there. I feel the absence of love when I am going to sleep at night. After all of the communal family members have gone off to bed and I am laying in the dark again, listening to the noises in the house, pressed up against my hot water bottle, trying to stay warm and trying to fall asleep. It’s not a glamorous picture really. I have not done a good job of manifesting in this particular area of my life.
Today, I was thinking about my desire for love and I had to ask myself, what is it that I think love will bring me? I limited myself to a list of the ten most important things. Here is what my list said:
- The desire to be alive
- The feeling that everything is ok and will be ok
It is crucial that we meet our feelings with understanding and compassion. This exercise helped me to understand my feelings today and have compassion for them. It is understandable why you want the things you want so badly, as soon as you understand what it is that you’re really wanting as a result of getting what you want. Those are the things you feel as if you lack. Those are the things you think you wont ever have if you don’t get what you want. I think that without love, I wont get any of those things on the list. No wonder I’m feeling a desperate sense of urgency! I found out something today… I’m an absolute bad ass. I’ve been living my life without these things. Looking over that list, it’s surprising that I’m even functioning. I highly suggest doing this “What is it that I think (whatever you desire) will bring me?” exercise with whatever it is that you want, especially if what you want is love. It is worth it just for the sake of gaining clarity and insight about yourself.
I’m going skiing for the first time this year today. I need the snow-covered mountains so much right now. Skiing is the only thing that I can do alone that increases my feeling of security.