I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I thought was worth sharing. In the beginning of the dream, I was being washed off by my mother (who was different than my real life mother) by a washcloth in a little mud hut in a country with lots of sand. Older women were painting my hands and feet with a type of dye. My hair was pinned up ornately with little blue flowers. A knock sounded at the door and a man came in and put three bags full of gold coins on the table. I felt instantly afraid and sad. I knew that my mother had sold me to a man for marriage. She wrapped me in a silk outfit and hugged me while she cried, thanking me for being willing to send my brothers to apprenticeship (I assume what the money was going to be used for). I looked in the mirror. I looked unreal and young. The man led me out to a platform that was carried by two men…one on each side. He gestured for me to get onto it. I did. I was so afraid. I knew I would never see my family again. I kept waiting for my mother to run after me, but she never came. Mile after mile in the caravan, I looked out over landscapes that I’ve never seen before. After three days of being carried through the day and night, we arrived at a city. It was a city comprised of nearly entirely white marble. We passed row upon row of soldiers and the common people stopped to stare at me. Some of them threw flower petals over the top of me.
I was brought inside the courtyard of a palace and placed in the square at the feet of two men who were keeping guard of a giant door. After the two men spoke to the man who had retrieved me about where to take me, they turned around to face me. I could see instantly that one of these men was someone I recently met in London in this life. I was told to wait there and so I did. It was silent suddenly, a bit awkward. This man was trying not to look at me. But he did. I looked at him like he was the only familiar thing in the universe… my life line. And he eventually smiled at me and then looked away. I was carried shortly after that into a room filled with many other women. They took me into an area of the palace reserved strictly for women. They laughed and spoke at me in a language I didn’t understand. They were rubbing my inner thighs with a yellow powder like paste. The one who did speak my language was nearly 80 years old. She explained that once I was married, my husband would bite me to leave his mark on my skin, which would tell other men that I was already claimed by a man. They explained that I would bleed as well and gave me a silk towel to catch the blood for good luck. And then they started laughing.
The wedding was scheduled for two months later. I was shown a painting of him, but nothing else. He was about 60 years old. For who knows how long, I explored the palace in the dream. I got lost in corridors and multiple kitchens. Looked around rooms and hid from footmen who were regularly patrolling the grounds with military like footsteps. I made a habit of sneaking into one of the kitchens to steal apples. I didn’t like the exotic taste of the food, so I was getting skinny and was hungry and one of the days I went to get an apple, I heard someone clearing their throat behind me. I was startled and turned around and saw the familiar man from London standing there. I thought I was going to be turned into someone and get in trouble. So I started crying. He came over to me and put his hand under my chin and lifted my face up and said, “these eyes are too beautiful to cry”. And he turned and walked away. For the next few days, I caught him watching me. He would smile and avert his eyes and I would sneak to watch him talk to people and spar (practice fight) in a sand ring in the courtyard. The women were teaching me the new language I had to learn to communicate with my betrothed.
One day, this familiar man and I found ourselves alone when we were outside behind a corner of the palace. We nearly ran right into each other. I was startled by the run in and jumped a bit. But smiled when I realized it was him. He put his hand behind the back of my neck and used his body to push me up against the wall. He kissed me so passionately I thought I was going to pass out. Then he put his forehead against my forehead and said “I can’t live without you”. He stepped back and stood there. After my shock wore off, I smiled, kissed him on the cheek and ran off around the corner. I went back to my room and wrote him a letter. I had a footman deliver the letter to him. In short, the letter said that I felt the same way about him and that I wanted to marry him instead.
That night, I was asleep and I felt a hand on my hip. Slowly, someone’s body came up against mine. I was enfolded in two strong arms and I could feel slow, steady breathing against my skin. I turned over to see his face. It was that same familiar man from London. His eyes were shining in the moonlight, which was coming in through the window. We started kissing and he started pulling at my hips and waist. My whole body was flushed. He stopped and sat up. I felt rejected and didn’t know what I had done wrong. So I sat up and pulled myself into a ball and waited for him to leave. He got exasperated and stood up, pacing and whispered in an angry tone “I don’t want to hurt you”. I said, “I don’t mind, I’d rather it be you”. He looked at me with this stare like he was about to let himself loose. And then, he came forward towards me. He was being tender. I could barely move because I was nervous and in the dream I didn’t know what I was doing. He pulled my clothes off and ran his hands over my skin. He took my virginity that night. We made love three times throughout the night and he stayed in the bed, holding me until the palace started stirring with the sounds of people. He kissed me and said, “I’m never leaving your side”. And then he went to his post.
The next day I could see he was visibly upset. He was pacing and short tempered. I did not understand what had suddenly changed. I had to help the women make all kinds of decisions on this enormous wedding that was being planned. I was brought in to meet my future husband for the first time. He was very tall and walked around me and winked at me. When he leaned in to smell my neck, I felt gross. I did not want him to touch me. But I figured it was my fate.
I cried in my room after that. Each night, the man I was really in love with came to me. And each night, our love got more and more painful because we both knew I belonged to another man. He was afraid I would be killed when on my wedding night; they discovered I was no longer a virgin.
I started getting very sick. I couldn’t get out of bed. I told the man I loved that it was because my heart was broken. The other women just assumed I was home sick. He couldn’t bear watching me like that and so he planned a kidnapping. He set up an entire plan to make it look as if my future husband’s mortal enemy had taken me just to spite him. And in the middle of the night, he had two men smuggle me out of the palace walls in a rolled up carpet. They put me into the back of a horse and cart and I stayed hidden as the horse galloped for hours. Once we were clear completely of the city, the cart stopped and I was unrolled from the carpet and he sat me up and made me drink some water. I was smiling from ear to ear. I couldn’t believe we had actually made it out. We were together. Neither of us knew what to do now that we had run away and could finally be together. There was no longer anyone to separate us. We slept there behind a tree that night in each other’s arms. In the morning, he informed me that we would be boarding a very large ship and would be on the ship for three months so we could start our life together in a place where no one would ever find us. So we set off towards the ocean. I was still really sick. He started teasing me… He said “I thought you were sick because your heart was broken, now we’re together and your heart is still broken… how can I make you feel like I love you?” I laughed but didn’t answer. After a full day of me being sick, he got worried enough that he decided to barter off some type of coin for a visit to the doctor in the next town that we came up to.
I sat in the doctor’s office. The doctor prodded me all over while he was in the hallway. Afterwards, the doctor went out into the hallway to talk to him. I could hear their voices, but not what they were saying. When the man I loved came back into the room, he looked nervous. He sat by me on the bed and took my hand in his and kissed it. I thought to myself “something must be seriously wrong”. He proceeded to tell me that I was pregnant. I had no an idea what that meant obviously, but I didn’t know what that entailed for me or for us. I stared at my stomach in disbelief. I couldn’t tell how he was feeling. He seemed to be excited but really, really stressed out and in shock. The doctor gave him all kinds of instructions about what needed to be done with me. He carried me outside to the cart and told me that it was more important than ever that we get away from the country. So we rode off. He kept trying to feed me the entire way there and he kept asking me if I needed to take breaks.
When we finally got to port, we had to wait for half of a day to board the boat. He sat me down on a bench overlooking the ocean and asked me to look at him. When I did, he asked me if I would marry him. I asked him if he was only marrying me because he thought he should. He told me that was ridiculous and “no” and that he was planning on marrying me in the church in town before we got on the boat already before he found out that I was pregnant. So I smiled and said yes and kissed him. I looked through a pile of dresses in the cart for one that looked pretty. I put it on and we went to the church. I waited outside. The priest there put his robe on and came out to get me. He led me up to my soon to be husband and asked us to say vows and we were married. He gave me this ring he had been carrying in his pocket. He told me it was his grandmother’s ring. We both boarded the boat and when it took off, we felt relief. We stood against the railing of the boat watching the shoreline disappear.
The next however long in the dream was spent on the boat. I was really morning sick. The morning sickness was made much worse by the rocking of the boat. I’d be up for hours some nights, and he’d sit up with me and rub his hand across my back. As time went on, I started showing. The people on the boat started to compliment me. And by the time we got off the boat (which took much longer than expected) I was already very large, about 6 months pregnant. I remember very vividly that one day on the boat, I was lying in bed and I asked him to put his hand on my tummy so he could feel the baby kick his hand. He told me it felt like little bubbles hitting against his palm.
When we got off the boat, we went straight to a little house in a country that was very green. There was rolling meadows outside. The house was stone, but it was white washed. I spent months making it up nice. We had many romantic interludes. I was so happy to be falling asleep next to him. We got into little fights about the fact that he was not letting me do anything I normally did because he considered it to be “risky”.
One morning I woke up because I was in pain. My husband was not awake yet. I tried to walk across the floor to open the window and didn’t make it. I fell on my hands and knees and sat there breathing hard. He woke up and saw me like that and rushed over and asked “is it time?” I nodded my head. So he ran outside to find a friend who could fetch a midwife. He came back and asked what I wanted him to do to make me more comfortable. I said I was too hot. So he opened the window, took my nightgown off and started wiping me down with a sea sponge dipped in a basin of water. The images were in slow motion. The midwife showed up. She was a very beautiful woman only slightly older than me. She told my husband to sit behind me and hold me tight so she could feel how progressed my labor was. She smiled and said “only a few more hours I suspect”. I nodded at her and continued to breathe hard. She said “I’ll come check on you in a few minutes” (but she didn’t come back in a few minutes). We sat there. My husband put his hand on my stomach and felt it contract and counted down for me until it had let up and we changed positions in between contractions. He even pulled me up and walked me over to the window to see the moon outside. I turned back towards him knowing that another contraction was coming on and I put my hands around the back of his neck and my forehead against his chest and tried to breathe slowly. My cheeks were flushed. I was so overheated. He kissed me and I said that I needed to sit down, so he took me over to the bed. The midwife popped up again and she came over and told him to sit behind me again. And he did. She said, “You’re ok to start pushing whenever you feel like you have to” I didn’t have to, so I sat there breathing and we walked back over to the window. I leaned against it. At this point I was making some noise (whining a little bit). I suddenly was hit by the urge to push, so I sort of crouched down and he came over and sat on the windowsill and put my arms over his knees so I could squat and push with his legs there as support. He petted my bangs off of my face and spoke loving words to me about how good I was doing and reminded me of how beautiful the baby would be and about how proud he was of me and then he’d tell me to push when he could tell that I was contracting again. The midwife was in front of me. She kept talking to me too. After an hour of that, I felt an intense burning sensation and felt like I was going to split in two, but couldn’t stop pushing and finally the baby’s head came out. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and in a firm tone of voice, he kept saying, “yes you can”. He told me to just wait a minute and take deep breaths. He even showed me how to follow along with his breathing because I was so out of it that I needed firm directions. Another contraction came on and I pushed again. The baby’s shoulders actually hurt worse than the head. I let out a little painful yell and the baby came right out into the midwife’s hands. I sat on the floor breathing hard and crying. It was a little girl. She cried immediately. The midwife handed her right to me. She was covered in blood still and I felt her wriggle against me. She was so precious.
I held her until she fell to sleep and then my husband took her off of my breast and washed her off with sun-warmed water smiling at me. She was all curled up in his hands. All three of us fell asleep together in bed. In the dream, I kept being woken up by the feeling of soreness and I kept seeing the image of him holding her and staring at her and smiling at her as she slept in his arms. I woke up after that to this life! It was one of the most intimate experiences I’ve ever had while out of body in a fifth dimensional thought scape. I guess only time will tell what it means. Any guesses?