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To Ask For Understanding

acupuncture-1211182_640.jpgThe needle stings when it enters.  The energy of the body rushes up to meet it, like a radio tower calling a signal.  It causes involuntary twitches and then, the emotion floods in.  I went to see my ingenious Holistic MD/ Acupuncturist today for a treatment.  It catalyzed an incredible healing, unlike any acupuncture treatment I’ve experienced so far.  It seems a personal transformation is happening at warp speed.  Each day a different layer is peeled away to reveal more of the full picture.  The puzzle pieces keep falling into place. After several needles were already set, I felt ready to do three points today on my lower belly, corresponding to my womb.  When they were set, the triad of them gripped me with pain.  I could feel my womb recoil towards my spine, trying to hide as if it was trying to escape the needles.  I felt panic rise from my sacral chakra like a wave of static heat, demanding that I move.  But I didn’t move. As a result, quite suddenly I unintentionally separated from my body.

obe.jpg With out of body travel, sometimes you can be out of body but in your body; like a very large butterfly hovering in a very small jar.  At first it feels like you just can’t quite fuse with yourself.  Or like you are wearing your own organs and skin.  I recognized this sensation and the subsequent loss of body feeling.  Instead of resist, I told my body to take me where it needs me to go.  I was sucked backwards into myself, as if through a wormhole that implodes instead of explodes.  I closed my eyes so I could focus more fully on the internal journey. I arrived in my own pericardium, the sac and space around my heart.  It was dark, cold, vacant and isolating.  Similar to the feeling in a building where atrocities happened once, but a building that was abandoned long ago.  It appeared blackened with trauma.  The fluid around my heart had the exact same frequency as tears that are shed at a funeral.  I could see the light of my own light body penetrating into the space and flickering out as it approached my heart.  I could see the damage the trauma had done to my heart.  It actually appeared swollen and macerated, like my womb, it too was recoiled in my chest as if trying to escape within the pericardium.  Similar to a wounded animal crouching in the backside of a cage with nowhere to hide.

dark-2602803_640.jpgI sunk into the space and sat there, feeling overwhelmed about what I was seeing.  The inescapable pain in my chest that i’ve always lived with made sense suddenly.  I felt like I could be lost there and I didn’t care.  A bit like when someone is drowning and they stop struggling for the surface.  It is a moment of peace within the horror of what is happening.  I started to see memories flooding forward, like bubbles with moving images in them. Shortly thereafter, I felt another presence there with me.  It was a voice that would not reveal its identity.  It asked me to look deeper into the images and to find out what they all have in common.  I realized they all had a similar feel to them, but could not find the words for it.  The presence there with me asked me what kind of grief they all had in common.  It began to feel as if in all of the traumatic memories, the desperation I was feeling and subsequent grief, was the result of not being able to get something I desperately needed.  I searched my mind for words… Love?  Happiness?  Freedom? And none of them seemed to fit.  The presence pushed her energy through my own mind and in front of me a giant word appeared… Understanding.

head-2147328_640.pngThe presence withdrew and I stayed, suspended there, watching this giant word.  Understanding, to comprehend someone or something so as to grasp the idea of it, be thoroughly familiar with it and to clearly apprehend the meaning, character, nature, intention or subtleties of that thing.  Suddenly, I saw the thread that wove all the overwhelmingly numerous isolated incidents of trauma together.  This, was my core wounding.  This was and is my primary unmet need.  This is what I am really grieving.  This is the emotional energy that makes up the bulk of my ‘heart wall’.  My heart has literally been bathing in the agony of grieving about not being understood. When my mind began to run wild, sewing conceptual understanding to emotional experience, I was popped back out of myself and thus into myself once more.  I could feel the energy rushing between the needles through my meridians.  I felt at once heavy and light.  Heavy with the grief but light with personal revelation.  I could see in my mind’s eye, the image of myself crying in my crib, desperate for someone to understand what I needed, but unable to communicate.  I could see my parents saying, “Teal, we love you, but we’ll never understand you”. I could see the confused and disapproving looks on my teacher’s faces when I would write or draw art that was not normal art for a young child to draw.  I saw myself sitting alone at recess, watching the other kids connect and play.  I saw the Mormons ostracizing me from their lives.  I saw the cult group, confusing my abilities for demonic possession.  I saw all of it, leading up to today.  I suddenly realized that I have never felt understood.  I’m grieving for not being able to feel understood.

It is as one would expect.  The world is ready for a change and so; I have come because the world is ready.  But what it always feels like to those of us who come to break the mold is that we have come to this earth before the world is ready.  I have been so different all my life; there was no one there that could understand me.  It has been so lonely as a leader out on the leading edge of expansion. 

one-979261_640.jpg When you are very, very different, people don’t just not understand you, they misunderstand you.  They try to understand you from inside the confines of their own paradigm and so; they can’t really see you or hear you or feel you or interact with you.  They can only interact with their own conceptualizations (mostly projections) of you.  You can’t ever connect with people.  It feels like your surface bumps up against the surface of them and bounces off. This would be torment enough, especially when this happens with people who you are desperate to be understood by.  But the matter actually gets worse.  You also become unsafe if people do not understand you.  My life is perfect proof of that.  If people don’t understand you, they come to their own conclusions about you and treat you according to those conclusions.  They reject you and condemn you and attack you for ideas about you that are not reflections of what is ‘real’ about you.  Just look at all the revolutionaries and change makers throughout history.  Look at the hate groups that have formed to try to prevent me from continuing my work today.  I’m virtually drowning in conflict and controversy in both my personal and professional life because people can’t or refuse to try to understand me.

face-985977_640.jpg To be honest, if there is a ‘shadow’ behind this very blog site, it is my need to be understood.  This is also one reason why it can be so terrible to read comments associated with these blogs.  It feels like heaven on earth when someone ‘gets you’.  But inevitably, there will be those comments left by people who just don’t get you. And as a result of not getting you, instead of asking questions and delving deeper into an attempt at understanding, they will tell you all the reasons that you are bad, wrong, unjustified and inferior.  This re-traumatizes someone who has experienced trauma as a result of not being understood. I am running into this ‘wound mirror’ in a big way lately in situations where my perspective is entirely different about ‘the way things aught to be done’.  I feel like no matter what I say, people’s minds are already made up and I can’t make them understand me or why I am doing what I am doing.

ethics-2991600_640.jpg I realized something after feeling some of the reaction to the last blog I wrote.  I realized that as your awareness and therefore perspective changes, your values change.  When your values change, your priorities change.  They change to reflect your true self more accurately.  But this is often an affront to the values our society tells us we should have.  Then, when we act in congruence with our true values and true priorities, people who have bought into the values and priorities society approves of, flip out. So many of the major conflicts we have with others, especially in intimate relationships, are about priorities.  And priorities are chosen subconsciously according to one’s values.  Watching arguments from this perspective, it is easy to see that we are mostly arguing about our values.  We are arguing to get the other person to adopt ours.  We want the other person to have the same ones we have in the same order of importance.  Conflicting values are so often at the heart of the incompatibility that separates people from one another.  I think the time has come to try to understand each other’s true values instead of to impose our values upon them.  This way, we can find people who are truly a match to us. This awareness I have had is just the beginning of the healing of the grief that holds my heart.  I can feel its grip loosening.  It is not loosening because I have decided to no longer care about being understood.  I have not said “to hell with what everyone else thinks”.  That would not be real, because I do care.  It’s grip is loosening because I have decided to consciously do 3 things… 1. To understand myself.  To give myself the presence of focus backed by the intention to understand myself, which is what I never got from other people. 2. To just admit to people that I want and need to be understood and to directly ask for it when I feel that need arise. 3. I’m going to approach other people with the idea that I first and foremost want to understand them. So, in honor of today’s blog, I want you to publicly admit to one thing you desperately wish that people understood about you.

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I understand you Teal, to a level of my perspective, and welcome you in my heart. I understand what you are doing here and praise you immensely for it. Focus on us who thirst for your knowledge and look upon the ones who throw the sharp daggers of hate and misunderstanding in to you heart as ones who had been hurt so immensely that they had separated themselves from the truth. Those poisonous remarks are distorted cry-outs from their hearts and they should not hurt you as much us understanding  how much suffering they go through every minute of their daily life.

 With understanding, your humble student.

 

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I also love when people understand me and love me and support me, but since I follow you I understood that I have to find love and support in myself and not expect so much love and same-thinkers around me? I find your work very very inspiring, you changed my life so please continue with you work despite the fact that some people do not agree with you <3

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Could it be, at some level - and if it is, in wich level? - that the word UNDERSTANDING that manifested to you means in first place that you desperately needed to understand what was happening in your surroundings and within you?

I'm just trying to throw some light and dive deep here... 'Cause you manifest what you are. It doesn't mean that there isn't in fact a lot of misunderstanding in this world, it just means that whatever we foccus on our attention grows and a lot of people DO understand what you say and i know that i do realize the images that you see and pass through your communication and it's being helpening me to enlarge and clean my view of the world. And i reconize myself in you when it comes to shadow aspects and now this: i have a profound want/need to be understood AND TO UNDERSTAND the world, my surroundings and myself deeply.

Bruna Green

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Dear Teal,

Thank you for sharing!

 

How do I differentiate my own projections from this particular person and truth of this person i longer to find out?

Meaning, if certain quality of this person i perceive i am not sure about it , how would i know if it is just my projection ?

Thanks

Leafsofm

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Thank you for sharing this with us Teal.  I came across this article and it makes so much sense.  I can relate to the feeling of being misunderstood, maybe not to the extreme that you've experienced, but I know how it hurts to be misunderstood.  I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about understanding.  One of the biggest things about me that people misunderstand is the way I listen.  It's caused a lot of issues in past relationships.  I try really hard, but sometimes I get easily distracted and lose focus and I unintentionally tune out complete conversations.  This has caused major issues.  This is something I've been trying to work on, but there are close relatives who know this about me and understand it and don't take it personal.  I do know how it can come off and how frustrating it can be.  It's been a major issue with my past three partners.  I'm not saying that it's not right or wrong with the way that I listen, but with all 3 relationships, I deeply cared about them but they took it as I didn't care.  It was frustrating on both sides.  I've been spending some time lately thinking so much about how this started, the feeling of being misunderstood.  Perhaps it goes hand in hand with the way I focus and listen and remember things.  Either way, I want to find the root causes of all of these.  I just want to be the best me that I can.  I don't want to be in another relationship where we are causing each other more frustration and heartache.  

I think I said more than I intended to on here.  

But, really, thank you so much for all that you do.  I watch your YouTube videos too.  I can't imagine what horrible things others have to said to you and I'm sorry for any pain that that has caused you.  I love you.

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I completely resonate with this to the full degree. As a child I watched my family misunderstand me n reject me. I watched kids connect n play while I sat alone n they would come to their own conclusions about me and treated me according to those conclusions. I was severely bullied and mistreated.  They reject me and condemned me and attacked me for ideas about me that are not reflections of what is ‘real’ about me and even as an adult I can't ever get people to accept my ideas. I can’t ever connect with people.  It feels like my surface bumps up against the surface of them and bounces off. As an adult, the loneliness n trauma is so gripping that I don't even care when I'm talking to them and they tell me, "you know that I completely space out when you start going on about certain topics you love" or when I've chit chatted for awhile they'll readily admit n say "I'm not even really listening or trying to understand what you're saying". I'm OK with it cause talking at someone about what goes on in my head is better than not at all. I feel like no matter what I say, people’s minds are already made up and I can’t make them understand me or why I am doing what I am doing, especially if it is about trying to understand me by doing the work that you, Teal, have been teaching me. They can’t really see me or hear me or feel me or interact with me. 

 

After meeting you last night and dropping my friends off, I balled my eyes out the rest of the way home. I couldn't understand what I was grieving. I feel this it's the truest thing I can readily admit to myself about what I was grieving. This was and is also my primary unmet need, that we ran out of time to discuss and expose on stage.  This is what I am really grieving.  This is the emotional energy that makes up the bulk of my ‘heart wall’.  My heart has literally been bathing in the agony of grieving about not being understood. I hugged you, took a picture with you, and walked away from you, someone that has the most potential to give me what I need but circumstances confined that connection and I was rewounded again.

 

I think it's why I found this article just the day after n I hope this comment finds you. It's like I'm terrified fulfilling this connection cause of how I'm recieved, I have a fear of intimacy. But atleast this is a step, however scary and however long it takes to hit send, I'm choosing my truth over my fear.

And so it is. 

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Very timely throwback, thank you. The one thing I wish my people understood about me is my Awareness: It gets lonely once you see things as they really are. I have very recently been wondering how to interact with loved ones who seem trapped in lower consciousness. Their lives could vastly improve if they were more aware. But how do I approach? How can I get through to them without them telling me I’m crazy? To some, I’ve suggested your YouTube channel, but none of them bothered. Idk. 

Thank you so much Teal for showing that you also have to continually work out your traumas. The more I learn about you, the more I learn about myself. I have so much gratitude for you and your guidance. Your teachings make me feel safe and understood. It really does “feel like heaven on Earth when someone gets you”. Thank you!

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Teal 💖

Thank you so much for sharing, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it!

The one thing I want people to understand about me is that I am always trying my utmost best to live my life according to integrity. That is why I get very upset when people call me sinful or unconscious just because I am gay. I get so angry because the people who call themselves the most innocent and conscious judge me just by a label.

Thank you again for providing us another chance to become conscious of our thoughts and emotions. I love you so so much! 💗

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