The needle stings when it enters. The energy of the body rushes up to meet it, like a radio tower calling a signal. It causes involuntary twitches and then, the emotion floods in. I went to see my ingenious Holistic MD/ Acupuncturist today for a treatment. It catalyzed an incredible healing, unlike any acupuncture treatment I’ve experienced so far. It seems a personal transformation is happening at warp speed. Each day a different layer is peeled away to reveal more of the full picture. The puzzle pieces keep falling into place. After several needles were already set, I felt ready to do three points today on my lower belly, corresponding to my womb. When they were set, the triad of them gripped me with pain. I could feel my womb recoil towards my spine, trying to hide as if it was trying to escape the needles. I felt panic rise from my sacral chakra like a wave of static heat, demanding that I move. But I didn’t move. As a result, quite suddenly I unintentionally separated from my body.
With out of body travel, sometimes you can be out of body but in your body; like a very large butterfly hovering in a very small jar. At first it feels like you just can’t quite fuse with yourself. Or like you are wearing your own organs and skin. I recognized this sensation and the subsequent loss of body feeling. Instead of resist, I told my body to take me where it needs me to go. I was sucked backwards into myself, as if through a wormhole that implodes instead of explodes. I closed my eyes so I could focus more fully on the internal journey. I arrived in my own pericardium, the sac and space around my heart. It was dark, cold, vacant and isolating. Similar to the feeling in a building where atrocities happened once, but a building that was abandoned long ago. It appeared blackened with trauma. The fluid around my heart had the exact same frequency as tears that are shed at a funeral. I could see the light of my own light body penetrating into the space and flickering out as it approached my heart. I could see the damage the trauma had done to my heart. It actually appeared swollen and macerated, like my womb, it too was recoiled in my chest as if trying to escape within the pericardium. Similar to a wounded animal crouching in the backside of a cage with nowhere to hide.
I sunk into the space and sat there, feeling overwhelmed about what I was seeing. The inescapable pain in my chest that i’ve always lived with made sense suddenly. I felt like I could be lost there and I didn’t care. A bit like when someone is drowning and they stop struggling for the surface. It is a moment of peace within the horror of what is happening. I started to see memories flooding forward, like bubbles with moving images in them. Shortly thereafter, I felt another presence there with me. It was a voice that would not reveal its identity. It asked me to look deeper into the images and to find out what they all have in common. I realized they all had a similar feel to them, but could not find the words for it. The presence there with me asked me what kind of grief they all had in common. It began to feel as if in all of the traumatic memories, the desperation I was feeling and subsequent grief, was the result of not being able to get something I desperately needed. I searched my mind for words… Love? Happiness? Freedom? And none of them seemed to fit. The presence pushed her energy through my own mind and in front of me a giant word appeared… Understanding.
The presence withdrew and I stayed, suspended there, watching this giant word. Understanding, to comprehend someone or something so as to grasp the idea of it, be thoroughly familiar with it and to clearly apprehend the meaning, character, nature, intention or subtleties of that thing. Suddenly, I saw the thread that wove all the overwhelmingly numerous isolated incidents of trauma together. This, was my core wounding. This was and is my primary unmet need. This is what I am really grieving. This is the emotional energy that makes up the bulk of my ‘heart wall’. My heart has literally been bathing in the agony of grieving about not being understood. When my mind began to run wild, sewing conceptual understanding to emotional experience, I was popped back out of myself and thus into myself once more. I could feel the energy rushing between the needles through my meridians. I felt at once heavy and light. Heavy with the grief but light with personal revelation. I could see in my mind’s eye, the image of myself crying in my crib, desperate for someone to understand what I needed, but unable to communicate. I could see my parents saying, “Teal, we love you, but we’ll never understand you”. I could see the confused and disapproving looks on my teacher’s faces when I would write or draw art that was not normal art for a young child to draw. I saw myself sitting alone at recess, watching the other kids connect and play. I saw the Mormons ostracizing me from their lives. I saw the cult group, confusing my abilities for demonic possession. I saw all of it, leading up to today. I suddenly realized that I have never felt understood. I’m grieving for not being able to feel understood.
It is as one would expect. The world is ready for a change and so; I have come because the world is ready. But what it always feels like to those of us who come to break the mold is that we have come to this earth before the world is ready. I have been so different all my life; there was no one there that could understand me. It has been so lonely as a leader out on the leading edge of expansion.
When you are very, very different, people don’t just not understand you, they misunderstand you. They try to understand you from inside the confines of their own paradigm and so; they can’t really see you or hear you or feel you or interact with you. They can only interact with their own conceptualizations (mostly projections) of you. You can’t ever connect with people. It feels like your surface bumps up against the surface of them and bounces off. This would be torment enough, especially when this happens with people who you are desperate to be understood by. But the matter actually gets worse. You also become unsafe if people do not understand you. My life is perfect proof of that. If people don’t understand you, they come to their own conclusions about you and treat you according to those conclusions. They reject you and condemn you and attack you for ideas about you that are not reflections of what is ‘real’ about you. Just look at all the revolutionaries and change makers throughout history. Look at the hate groups that have formed to try to prevent me from continuing my work today. I’m virtually drowning in conflict and controversy in both my personal and professional life because people can’t or refuse to try to understand me.
To be honest, if there is a ‘shadow’ behind this very blog site, it is my need to be understood. This is also one reason why it can be so terrible to read comments associated with these blogs. It feels like heaven on earth when someone ‘gets you’. But inevitably, there will be those comments left by people who just don’t get you. And as a result of not getting you, instead of asking questions and delving deeper into an attempt at understanding, they will tell you all the reasons that you are bad, wrong, unjustified and inferior. This re-traumatizes someone who has experienced trauma as a result of not being understood. I am running into this ‘wound mirror’ in a big way lately in situations where my perspective is entirely different about ‘the way things aught to be done’. I feel like no matter what I say, people’s minds are already made up and I can’t make them understand me or why I am doing what I am doing.
I realized something after feeling some of the reaction to the last blog I wrote. I realized that as your awareness and therefore perspective changes, your values change. When your values change, your priorities change. They change to reflect your true self more accurately. But this is often an affront to the values our society tells us we should have. Then, when we act in congruence with our true values and true priorities, people who have bought into the values and priorities society approves of, flip out. So many of the major conflicts we have with others, especially in intimate relationships, are about priorities. And priorities are chosen subconsciously according to one’s values. Watching arguments from this perspective, it is easy to see that we are mostly arguing about our values. We are arguing to get the other person to adopt ours. We want the other person to have the same ones we have in the same order of importance. Conflicting values are so often at the heart of the incompatibility that separates people from one another. I think the time has come to try to understand each other’s true values instead of to impose our values upon them. This way, we can find people who are truly a match to us. This awareness I have had is just the beginning of the healing of the grief that holds my heart. I can feel its grip loosening. It is not loosening because I have decided to no longer care about being understood. I have not said “to hell with what everyone else thinks”. That would not be real, because I do care. It’s grip is loosening because I have decided to consciously do 3 things… 1. To understand myself. To give myself the presence of focus backed by the intention to understand myself, which is what I never got from other people. 2. To just admit to people that I want and need to be understood and to directly ask for it when I feel that need arise. 3. I’m going to approach other people with the idea that I first and foremost want to understand them. So, in honor of today’s blog, I want you to publicly admit to one thing you desperately wish that people understood about you.