Being in the public eye is hard even when you are in a good feeling emotional space. But being in the public eye is enough to kill you when you are in a bad feeling emotional space. Not only do you have to endure the negative experience like everyone does (which is hard enough as it is), you have to endure the running commentary and criticism from people all over the globe about your negative experience.
Despite my commitment to transparency, and the views I’ve expressed about deliberately intending to smash the traditionally accepted illusion of the enlightened guru who is “above it all”, a lot of people still do want and expect me to have it all together and maintain that public image, like so many other spiritual teachers do. I try to make a point of not reading comments or e-mails because I need to maintain my focus and not get discouraged (which is hard to do when you’re reading death threats). Also, I get so many of them that I can’t read all of them and do my job at the same time; with everything I am in the process of creating. But, even I can’t avoid them completely. I see them every once in a while. Of course, in accordance with typical human psyche, the ones I end up seeing and that haunt me are the disapproving ones.
I’m catching a lot of flack right now for being “too negative” on this blog and also, some of my new teachings which have come as a result of this new perspective are being dismissed as inaccurate based on my current “negative vibration”. The argument is that the fact that I’m going through so much in my personal life right now, makes it so I’m no longer a reliable source of in-alignment information and therefore my teachings should be taken with a grain of salt. Reading these perspectives, upsets me greatly; most especially because despite what I say to other people, I expect myself to be “above it all”. So their words feel like knives in an already open wound. But yet again, being in this position has put me in a different perspective and from this perspective, I can see more than I previously did see. I can now see first hand the extreme resistance we have to negative emotion and negative thoughts. I can see the extreme resistance we have to the breakdown phase of transformation. I can see the extreme resistance we have to people suffering. We will do anything we can do to invalidate negative experiences and the perspectives that come as a result of them. It is ironic that those of us who fancy ourselves to be “in alignment” would have so much resistance to “not being in alignment”. I wish everyone approved of everything I did. Everyone secretly wishes this even if we know we “shouldn’t” care what other people think. But I’m unwilling to write off the value of this experience, or deliberately get more positive so my blog feels better to read. My commitment is to being “real”. This is the only way I’m going to remain relatable enough to teach people or help them with what is. And sometimes what is… is unsavory. Besides, I happen to know that today’s negative experience is going to greatly benefit people.
I felt today first hand just how impossible it is to focus positively when you have something that you are trying to avoid (especially strong fear or other strong negative emotion). I woke up with anxiety again. It hit me like a semi truck. And I wanted to get away from that feeling as fast as I could. I took a shower. It didn’t work. I tried to do breathing exercises, it made the anxiety worse. I sat down and tried to write a list of positive aspects about today, nothing was coming to mind. I was drawing a total blank and that made the anxiety get worse. And I could feel the vibration within me of being desperate. I always get that desperate feeling when I’m trying to get away from something and go towards something else. And obviously, any time we’re trying to get away from something, we are resisting it and therefore focusing upon in in a subconscious way. Whatever we resist persists. If we would quit resisting it, it would cease to exist. And so, there is only one option… To positively embrace the negative emotion.
The positive embracing of negative emotion is one of the most crucial skills to learn. Your emotions are like clay. You can learn to mold them by virtue of your thoughts. But to try to mold your life into something pleasing when you are unwilling to acknowledge, touch and embrace anything other than positive emotion, is like a sculptor being unwilling to work with the clay as it currently is in it’s raw and cold form. It is to reject the clay and demand that you will only touch it once it is warm and soft. This will never work because the thing that transforms that raw, cold clay into soft, warm clay is the non-resistant, loving embrace of the sculptor’s hands. Until we are willing to approach our negative emotions with acceptance, compassion and most especially willingness to feel them, we cannot mold the clay of our life into anything different than what it is. There will be no change; our emotions will remain negative in the same way that the sculptor’s clay will remain cold and raw.
You have been taught that negative emotion means you have gone wrong. In fact, one of the things I hate about positive focus communities is that they tend to see negative anything (especially thoughts and emotions) as something bad, shameful, and un-evolved. Do you feel the resistance to negative in that mentality? This is not an evolved state. And honestly, it is what gives positive focus philosophies such a bad name. We only seem like “Polyannas” when we are ignoring, glossing over, and avoiding negative emotion. We only seem like “Polyannas” when we have gone into denial and are currently rejecting and resisting the negative. Negative emotion is part of your guidance system. That means, negative emotions are valid. Negative emotion is a part of life for every person in existence. When we say otherwise, we ostracize each other. We condemn them to being alone in their pain and in shame about their pain. If we really had a comprehension of the way this universe works, we would be encouraging people when they felt strong negative emotion to embrace and explore those negative emotions before encouraging them to then focus positively on something that makes them feel better. You can’t focus positively while you are resisting something negative. It’s like getting caught or snagged with a fishhook on the bottom of the stream you’re paddling down. You have to turn around, unhook the fishhook first and then go on your merry way. And sometimes, it takes longer to get un-snagged than other times.
This “phase” I’ve been in lately has sucked. But, it has been so beneficial for my career, because I’m getting the opportunity to be in the hot seat relative to my own teachings. I’m realizing much clearer what needs to be said to people who are in powerless and painful vibrations. I’m realizing first hand what does and does not feel good to hear from others. My perspective has shifted and so I’m seeing things I have never before seen and probably never would have seen without this experience. Chief among them, i'm seeing the intense level of resistance we have to that which we see as "negative". And so, I can say with the utmost confidence, let’s all stop being ashamed of our problems, negative emotions, thoughts and experiences. I, for one am ready for it. It’s the main reason why I even started this blog in the first place.