Today, I have decided that instead of using this blog to have a high vibrational discourse with you or present any solutions, I am going to use it to be honest about my thoughts and canvass some shadow work by using myself as an example. I have been exploring a deep vibration within myself that keeps reflecting out into my life experience. Again and again, I experience “haters”. I especially experience people turning on me. I guess you could call it a form of betrayal. They go from being very close to me and “loving” me to “hating” me with verve and passion. They go out of their way to try to injure my credibility or my success. They become obsessed with breaking me down as a person. It becomes impossible to reason with them once they have made up their mind to turn against me, which gives rise to a feeling of being powerless to emotional injury. I will tell you that when people enter into a relationship and begin opening up to loving something, that love begins to heal them. Part of the process of that healing, is that all of their shadows will begin to surface. Many people are not prepared for that to happen and so, they cannot deal with those shadows coming up. It is too painful to look at those aspects of themselves and to own that those things are a part of them and so, they either project it back onto the other person or they lash out at the person who caused them to feel both the love and those painful aspects flushed up by the love.
The most common scenario for lashing out externally due to internal shadows reflecting themselves can be seen with jealousy. If one person has self worth insecurities, those self worth insecurities will come to the surface when they are confronted with love or when they are confronted by someone who IS where they want to be in life. Instead of recognizing the shadow buried deep within themselves, owning up to the fact that they feel jealous and being present with that feeling within themselves, they lash out at what they think caused the feeling. They make it about what’s bad about the other person so that they can feel validated in their negative feeling towards the person. They reduce their jealousy by convincing themselves and others that they should not be jealous of the other person, because the other person is bad or defective somehow. This scenario plays itself out with ferocity when fame or perceived success is involved!
I trigger people a lot. Even as a child, I seemed to deeply upset people’s cozy, familiar homeostasis. That is in fact how I was labeled with the moniker “The Spiritual Catalyst”. My clients would warn people that like a catalyst, if I came into their lives, they would never be the same. Either my presence would cause someone to go into crisis by pulling up all of their shadows or else I’d cause them to heal by throwing them into the light. Even though I desire to (and do) bring people together and unite them so they feel a deep sense of belonging, like most intense personality types, I tend to polarize people. People don’t meet me and have a moderate reaction to me. They either really love me, or they really hate me and there is not much in between. As a result, I tend to kick up lots of controversy. Growing up, this sucked. And being as sensitive as I am to criticism, it still sucks. It turns out that I care what other people think. And I’m torn because on the one hand, I feel like it is my downfall because I am so easily wounded by things people say and on the other hand, I feel like it is one of my greatest strengths because I am open to people, even to my opposition. Deep down I feel like taking the viewpoints of those who “hate me” into consideration, sets me apart from teachers who become so convinced of their own rightness that they develop blind spots and become errant leaders because of it.I could blame this tendency to attract massive opposition on a great many things and make it about them, but the only variable in the situation, is me. So, I decided to look for what it is within me exactly that is being reflected in the form of this manifestation.
First, I searched for the hidden positive intention. I found out that the hidden positive intention for attracting haters into my life is: People have reason to defend me and that makes me feel loved because I didn’t get defended as a child when I was getting hurt by the man who abused me. Also, I get to justify my lack of trust in other people’s loyalty instead of feel bad about the fact that I am not a trusting person. Second, I looked at my childhood. I realized that I am playing out a vibration related to one of my primary caregivers. They did not like my personality. I was unable, due to my sensitivities, to conform to the fantasy that they held for my personality behavior. I could not figure out how to please them. As a result, I was treated as if I was willful and difficult. I was “the problem child”. My primary caregiver personalized my behavior, developed resistance to me and resented me on a deep subconscious level. They saw me as a threat on a subconscious level. The environment between this primary attachment figure and me was an emotionally hostile relationship. As a result, I did not attach to my primary attachment figure. I attached more to a family friend/mentor figure who told me he was my real father and who was simultaneously brutally abusing me as a child. I developed a selfish and hostile worldview because I felt unloved and unsafe. I believed that the world is without warmth, acceptance and love. To make matters much worse, I grew up as a Non Mormon, extrasensory female in a Mormon town. I was born a very serious child. I made the Mormons in town very nervous. Without going into all the terrible details, lets just say that I was ostracized like crazy. The Mormons in town hated me and made sure that I did not spend time influencing their children. I felt hated from all angles. I could not understand why my presence or words or actions unsettled people so much. I figured that if I upset people so much, there must be something wrong with me. I lost hope for being lovable.
In grade school, middle school and high school, again and again, the females who I would try to develop relationships with would let me get very close to them and then turn on me. In grade school, I had developed a relationship with a timid little girl named Jenna, who was also interested in ballet. A much larger, gregarious girl in class named Meaghan, who had turned into somewhat of a bully towards me, decided she wanted to be friends with Jenna instead. She managed to convince Jenna to refuse to play with me for the remainder of the year and even sent her across the playground to inform me that she couldn’t be friend with me because she was now friends with Meaghan. We never played together again.
In grade school, I developed a relationship with a girl named Diana who moved into a house nearby enough to play with me. I thought my days of isolation were over. I was so excited to finally have a friend. Two months into the friendship, I got a call late at night from two girls giggling. It was Diana, who called to tell me that she was at Megan’s house (yes yet another Megan) and that she had only been pretending to be friends with me and that she hoped that my horse would get run over by a truck like the horse in The Horse Whisperer movie did. We never played together again. When she started cutting that year, her family blamed it on my influence.
In high school, I developed a relationship with a girl named Jasmine. In my last year of high school, I was involved in a situation where a boy I was dating (from another school) came to my school and beat up a boy on the swim team badly enough to send him to the hospital because the boy on the swim team was doing things like pushing me up against lockers to feel me up and calling me “cunt’ through the hallways. I was called into the principal’s office, where there was a police officer. The officer explained that I was in deep trouble and would most likely be expelled from school because they had received three hand written letters testifying that I had orchestrated the beating and had convinced and even hired the boy I was dating to beat up the boy who was heckling me. I asked to see the letters. They wouldn’t show them to me. My parents ended up getting me off the hook with the police because I was such an emotional wreck at that point in time and at risk for suicide. A month later, Jasmine’s family decided to move to California. I was so sad to lose yet another friend, so I told her that I wanted her to make sure to tell me where she was going and give me her address so I could write to her. She told me “I can’t”. I asked why and she said it was because she felt too guilty. She then confessed to having enlisted two other friends to write the forged letters that had almost resulted in me being expelled from school. I asked her why and she said, “I don’t know” and hung up the phone. I never heard from her again. The only friend I had growing up that didn’t turn on me, lived in a different state and I was lucky if I saw her twice a year. So in reality, I had no friends where I lived growing up. And after all this hatred and betrayal, I felt completely unworthy of love. I learned quickly that it hurt less if I just began to expect this kind of thing from people. But carrying this expectation of being hated, and being turned on came with me into adulthood. I am not over those traumas. I recreate them because in my mind, if I can either convince people who hate me to love me, or if I can win them back after they turn on me, I have healed those primary relationships.
Without fail, the people I attract into my experience that express their hatred of me, bring up points against me that are already insecurities within me. It is as if the original insults brought against me by my primary caregivers or by these children or by the community around me when I was young, play themselves out over and over across the lips of the “anti-Tealers” today.
This realization has left me feeling weak today. I am applying my follow the feeling process to the emotion that is arising because of it. Just like I advise other people to do, I am taking time to be present with the emotions before I proactively switch my thinking about these aspects of insecurity within me. Somewhere in me, I wanted to heal my insecurities so badly that I decided to be famous. Hilarious choice don’t you think? I can almost picture myself sitting in the clouds, planning out my life… “I know, I’m insecure about parts of myself but I’m also brave and desperately want healing, so I’ll get into a profession where I’m guaranteed to be hated and opposed by lots of people, that way I’ll have to heal my insecurities in order to even continue!” Sure sounds like me! I’m sure after I go through more healing about this, I will be teaching about how to deal with opposition/haters/ negative people.
I want to end this post with a universal truth. It is a truth that could serve as the very foundation for shadow work. Take some time to consider it…
The people who trigger us, or cause us to feel negative emotion are messengers. They are messengers for the unhealed parts of our being.